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one-abuse-survivor · 1 year

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hi i kinda need some advice on how to deal with everything but dw if its too much to help with

i live with my abusive parents, but despite them being very 'chill' the past year or so im still constantly on edge around them, my dad is practically nonexistent to me, i ignore him and have cut myself off from him emotionally, and im still pretty close to my mom as i kinda have to talk to her so often but she can get angry really quickly and want to hurt me so im constantly making sure my tone and wording are always correct and that can be exhausting in itself ngl lol. i work nights, im only slightly on edge around my coworkers as im still a little unsure of them but ik thats just 'fake news' and its just my anxiety talking. the issue is that, when i saw my boyfriend a few days ago, (i left the country and travelled alone), it was heaven. i felt safe 24/7, i got hugs, kisses and affection AND got to give that to him too and honestly, i was the happiest i think i have ever been in my life. i felt so free. then i had to go home, and once i saw my mom at the airport and getting in the car with her, it all crashed down and it was hell. ive only been home 3 days and ive only just managed to settle it down in my head lol its crazy. its just so opposite to being with him. my brain was just acting as though it had been shocked very hard and it was hard to just focus or be happy and i got suicidal pretty quick. i did start my period too, and i get bouts of depression whilst that happens so it really really did not help my situation at all and it sucked lol. i leaned on him a lot for support and it was so so hard to process and i just dont fully understand why. its so confusing as to why i practically had a breakdown when i got shoved back into that environment like i mean ik it makes sense like going from safe to unsafe very quickly can do that ig but i mean more like its just weirding me out a lot lol. i just cant believe i have been so on edge with my parents and how high my stress is all the time at home. id gotten very used to it, and ig a few days without it was enough to make my brain forget about it all. but idk. ik i need therapy or something like that lmao but i was wondering if you could help me understand it a little more and if youve gone through this before and like if i can get some advice on how to get through it a little more smoothly. my bf and i had a talk earlier and he wants me to try learn how to do all that by myself as it exhausts him when he has to help so much even though he wants to help as much as he can. i understand that fully and dont blame him at all for feeling that way, cos yk, hes my bf not my therapist so ik i can go to him for help but sometimes, like the past few days, hes not the best helper for that haha but im just struggling to know the steps i have to take to get to the self sufficient person we both want me to be lol. ik this is probably a lot, im sorry about it, but i hope your day is going the best it can go, thank you for helping us all out 💕

Hey, nonnie! Sorry for the late reply.

I'm sorry this happened and you had such a strong reaction to going back to an unsafe environment after feeling safe around your boyfriend. This used to happen to me too, and I can really relate to your experience.

When I was still living with my mother, my dad lived half a country away, and every year on summer and Christmas, I would travel alone to spend a few days/weeks with him and his wife. Being with them always felt like an oasis in a desert, and at the same time, it made me forget my mother's abuse. It was... Blissful, but also numb? I don't really know how to describe it. But, if I combine that with my experience with cutting out my mother for good, I can tell you that traumatised brains are experts at repressing all memories of the abuse the moment they feel safe so that you can keep on living without having to process all of it at once, which would paralyse you.

So then of course, going back to the unsafe abusive environment can be really distressing. It's like getting slapped in the face with all of the fear and horror that your brain had already locked away the first chance it got. When you're consistently feeling unsafe, you barely even notice it because your whole being is focused on surviving. But being able to lock that away in the back of your mind, only to have it shoved in your face again? It's absolutely going to mess up with your mind. It's how I felt every time I returned to my mother's house as well. And, in my experience, the longer you spend away from the abusive situation, the more your tolerance for abuse decreases, and the harder it hits you if you're exposed to it again.

I think just knowing that this is a thing that can happen can help you a lot. I'm assuming this was the first time you went through this, or at least the first time you noticed it. First times in any context can be tough, because you can't know what to expect. But, now that you already know this can happen, it won't take you by surprise, and that in itself might lessen the blow a bit.

And now that you know this can happen, you can also plan ahead so you have ways to ride the wave of emotions when it comes. Can you think of anything that helps you during bad trauma moments? Talking to friends, being outside your parents' house? Writing, reading, listening to music? Hiding in a safe-ish space? Personally, it used to help me to talk to friends and vent to my diary about the trauma back when I was in this situation, and also being away from home as much as possible.

I hope you can find things that help you! But I also want you to know that these trauma reactions probably won't go away for as long as you're living with your parents. Brains aren't wired for happiness—they're wired for survival, and it's not realistic to demand them to stop trying to help us survive. So please, be gentle with yourself if you continue having this (or any other) trauma reaction while you live with them. Being self-sufficient is a great long-term goal, but it's absolutely not worth punishing yourself for if you can't get there while you're still actively living in an unsafe environment.

I also want to say that I, too, went through still having trauma reactions around my abuser even after her abuse had "calmed down". I know it can sometimes feel like trauma reactions to being around our abusers aren't justified if their abuse isn't as bad as it used to be, or if we feel like it's stopped altogether. But, nonnie, they are. They're completely justified. Again, it's about survival. These people have shown they can hurt you, so the possibility of it happening again is always going to be there. And your brain isn't going to risk letting its guard down and being defenceless around them.

Hope some of this helps. Sending a big virtual hug ❤️

#Ask #Abuse #Abuse tw #Abusive parents #Ptsd #Ptsd tw #Verbal abuse tw #Suicidal tw #Suicidal thoughts tw #Suicidal

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dear-tumby · 2 years

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just got out of a manic episode lol

yeah so im depressed now, no longer depresion haha funnys more like depresion no hahas and im pretty sure im scaring off my boyfriend so yeah, he stopped talking/hanging out with me when i was being honest about my feelings, like i was there when he relasped but i start talking my crazy shit and then suddenly mental illness is off the table??? whatever its not even like i like him or nothing like that. i dont understand why i do this to myself, this is just turning into a rant but ive been holding this down for so long it feels good to scream it out into the void that is tumblr yk? also like i drew on cut marks because it hurts less plus i can just wash that off, yk i do that a lot i put on makeup that made me look like i commeted suicide bc i was sad and suicidle(who would have gussed???) plus i just found this collage i really want to go to but no one belives i can do it and i act like that makes me wanna do it more but really it just shows how much people belive imma be a no body and im so scared im going to be suck here forever like my mom and dad. why does life have to be such a bitch like why do i always gotta screw up everything???? lke i have two boyfriends that care about me yet i want to date this girl thats never gonna love me back?? and when i say love i mean i actually love her so much and i cant talk about it because shell find out that im totally in love with her and shell flip out and distance herself from me and i need her shes my everything and if i don't have her in my life even just as a friend i think i need to switch schools again because that's what i always do, when shit gets rough go and hide because i cant handle all this shit and my parents are finally in a good place (mentally) and im gonna screw it up for them because ill stress them out by ignoring everyone and sleeping through meals and holidays and they'll yell at me because they don't understand and i don't blame them im a mess filled with self pity and gross tindencys so i cant have anyone love me truly because im so gross and i just want the felling of everything to stop, like i want to be so fucking happy that everyone thinks on on drugs, which i was on anti anxiety pills but then i felt nothing so i cut myself bu my dumbass was wearing white pants and my mom found out and yelled at me, and screamed and woke everyone up and my sibling still reminds me about it and every time he does i want to hold him down and beat the shit out of him, like does he even take my mental illness serously, does anyone??? are my parents just pretending to give a shit, at least my mom is, my dad cares for me but he just never says the right things, and i forgive him but i just want nothing to go wrong for once i just want everyone to stop. stop talking to me, stop trying to help but also ignoring my despreat cries for help doesn't make me feel any better and also i don't want to be lied toi want the truth even if it would hurt me yk? i don't know what i want, but i know it'd make me feel safe and happy and no long like everyone's trying to get me, i just want to have someone who'd look at all different sides of me and go "wow their awesome, and sure they do stuff i disagree with but there a good person who's gonna make it big and ill stand with them through thick and thin and its okay they have issues we all do and love every flaw" like im sure my boyfriend would say this but i don't want him to say it i want it shown i want to see and trust i can tell them anything and they'd stick around.

tldr: i was origanally posting this so everyone would know i didnt commet suicide but then it turned into a rant so, yah sorry, uh i read a really good south park fanfic so thats something good that happened, though it reminded me alot of me and me is my enemy rn so i was really angry but in a healthy good way, also thought my dad died but thats justsum good ol paranoia also sorry for all the typos, did ths on my computer at like 11:55 so im kinda half asleep

#tw vent #tw self destructive behavior #vent #but like #i missed tumblr #relationship problems?#im the problem #yipeeee #um #idk what tags to use #sh mention #$elf h4rm #but its not bad

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dreamii-yume · 3 years

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New Episode Update Let’s GOO!!!

Warning : This is just Yume having a mental breakdown, seriously. This episode update was WHACK.

~ MAJOR SPOILERS FOR 68-75 ~

I know we ain’t participating and all but the game reminding you that there’s 10 minutes left to prepare is seriously bad for my heart.

Aah, shiet. Vil is still hurt.

He still has small wounds and scratches that he hid make up. Daddy, I’m worried.

Apparently, yeah, I’m not the only one cause my homeboy, Epel just asked to switch the center role with Vil. THE CONFIDENCE.

Aw, he’s worried about him falling over during stage (And make the performance look bad) Come on, Epel just be honest-

...He finally became the ideal poisoned apple that Vil wanted, huh?

Vil being proud a mom.

But the queen inside him is STRONG.

He’ll embrace the villain in him, OUR QUEEN CAN STILL GO. INJURED, WHO?

...AAND he proceeds to roast Epel again lol Typical Vil.

I love how Epel just accepted a nickname like “Doku Ringo-chan” lol It’s so cute, senior-junior relationship goals right there.

HERE WE GO.

Everyone is actually really confident hahaha

I really wish Deuce’s mom, Ace’s brother, Jamil’s sister, and Vil’s dad were here in person to watch.

HECK I WANT KALIM’S WHOLE FAMILY HERE WHY NOT

T-THEY’RE REALLY LETTING US HEAR THE FULL SONG.

IS THAT JAMIL RAPPING.

Look at Jamil’s solo SD dancing. LOOK AT IT.

I really fucking love Vil’s singing voice aaa

HIS VOICE IS SO GOOD.

Album when disney.

Is Vil okay.

...aight im hearing some high quality panting here

...dont mind me listening to it a bit too much...

...they’re going to be great reference for some spicy- leave me alone

Vil panting is making me feel SOMETHING.

ANYWAY. THE CROWD IS A MOOD.

IS VIL OKAY.

Unmei no megami is giving me idia ptsd here.

Heartslabyul Senpais are watching their kids, looking all proud *sniff

Oh god, after playing Obey Me, it just occurred to me how similar Cater and Asmodeus’ voices are...

Watch these Senpai dorks act like Ace and Deuce’s second family. Trey being the dad, Riddle being the mom, and Cater being the supportive big bro. It’s so beautiful.

Riddle’s voice is a lot more softer now, I just realized...It’s so soothing...

God i miss u too octavinelle never change

Yeah, why tf did Floyd not audition for this

Bro, can you imagine Nobuhiko Okamoto in the squad as well??? IMAGINE-

Of course, he wasn’t in the mood back then. Of course. Why did i even ask.

IMAGINE FLOYD BEING IN VDC NEXT YEAR.

Omg i miss u too octavinelle never change

Azul’s gonna overblot again with Floyd’s marketing skills lol

Jade coming in like welp i guess thats that. Too bad, huh Azul?

GOD i miss u too octavinelle never change

SAVANA BITCHES HI

I wonder if these mfs knew that Vil just overblotted and malmal was the one who fixed the stage lol

oooh Leona’s sus about something he a sharp boi

Speak up my guy—

still so weird leona taking his job seriously

Malleus looking happier seeing this performance rather than Lilia’s lol

I miss the simpery in Sebek

Silver’s not in the verge of falling into a coma for once wow

Chenya’s so cute.

AND WE’RE BACK TO CUTE HEIGH HO TEAM

fcking shotacons man...im not one to talk

Aw, they didn’t show Neige performance...

The simping in the crowd is a MASSIVE mood.

WHO WINS TELL ME

These night raven fuckers better vote for us and not pull a “oh shie my hand slipped lololol” i swear to god- im gonna throw hands

*me holding my phone and pretending to vote as well

Suspense music intensifies be like-

HAAA

BOIS, ITS ONE VOTE DIFFERENCE WHO IS IT AAAA

WHAT.

HOW DARE- HOW!? HOW DID WE LOSE!?

WE LOST BY ONE VOTE!?

EVERYONE’S SO SHOCKED LOL

vil pls dont overblot again-

Noooo grim’s tuna cans-

WE REALLY LOST TO A LEGIT KIDS SONG.

These children do not have the right to be this cute. I wanna take Timmy, Toby, and Shelpie home.

I swear to god one of these dwarves sounds like Cheka lol Is it Toby?

EPEEELLLL DONT CRRYYYY

KALIMMMM DONT CRRYYYY

KALIM HAVING THE AUDACITY TO SOUNDING LIKE A BIG BROTHER AND THEN CRYING HIS OWN RIGHT AFTER LOLOLOL

I HATE THIS EPISODE YALL MADE MY TWO BOIS CRY IM FIGHTING THIS EPISODE. BURN THIS.

This background music too though im deeeeddd

KALIM IM SO SORRY FOR MAKING A SINFIC ABOUT YOU PLS DONT CRY-

Jamil impressed about Vil being “calm” and Vil just going “h e h. you dont even know.”

....ha...

Monsieur Rook. WHAT did you say.

ROOK VOTED FOR ROYAL SWORD. Are you kidding me. You snek how could you- i loved you

WHAT DID I SAY- Ya’ll night raven fuckers shall not slip by their fingers when voting rook.

Vil is in the brink of passing out aaaaa

I have never heard Ace this pissed before whoa- lol he sounds like Deuce in his delinquent mode

Aw...Rook felt that Neige’s performance carries a stronger bond than theirs :’( it’s hard to put the blame on him when he’s saying all these stuff

It’s just like what they said in the past episodes that it’s really hard voting for your own team when you know the opposing team is better.

Aww...He just wanted Vil to believe in himself more...Rook is such a best man. Im crying-

Oh noooo is Vil gonna cry too nooo- daddy turned to baby really quick SOMEONE GIVE HIM AN EMERGENCY HUG

Well- at least...at least the 100 year record of not being able to win is still going, yeah? Um...bad joke? Sorry, i’ll see myself out-

NEIGE NOT NOW AND YOUR VII-KUN BULLSHIT- we’re having a moment here

Neige is such sweetheart but aaaahh— This makes it worse, we can’t even hate him aaa—

OMG JUST WHEN I THOUGHT THINGS COULDN’T- AAAAA

MONSIEUR ROOK. YOU’RE A FAN OF NEIGE!?

MOTHERFUCKER just got exposed by Neige himself lol

Going to Neige’s shake hand events, sending him letters, buying all his merch and shie- HE’S A FULL BLOWN NEIGE STAN

WTF YOU SNEK GET OUT OF THIS SCHOOL-

OOOOHHH THAT FUCKING ALBUM- HIS “LIFE’S WORK” or whatever bullshit IS FULL OF NEIGE

...actually- my japanese is lacking- im not sure lol what is a ブロマイド??? Lol I feel like a clown.

Rook is sweating profusely LOL

...what do you have to say for yourself, monsieur rook.

Wait- huh is that-

IS HE GONNA CRY-

WHY IS EVERYONE CRYING!??!?!?!

HE’S SILENTLY CRYING AS HE INTRODUCED HIMSELF TO NEIGE WHAT. THE. FUCK IS THIS EPISODE.

Neige fanclub??? Eternal Snow??? What kind of creepy-ass- OH, HE EVEN HAS A MEMBERSHIP NUMBER TOO-

Props to Neige with his :) expression unfaltering.

I’m- I’m speechless.

Vil is just looking down at Rook in disappointment like- “you’re more pathetic than I am”

Queen just went “I think you need this handkerchief more than I do now” THAT’S RIGHT. REPENT MOTHERFUCKER.

Rook crying is cursed.

But damn, I’m kinda liking this new relationship this bitchy relationship they have

Neige just dragged everyone’s ass back on stage and his snow white energy just said “LETS ALL BE FRIENDS AND SING”

NEIGE IS FUCKING GREAT- HE REALLY DID GOT THESE BITCHES TO SING HEIGH HO LOL

ACE’S RELUCTANT SINGING AND DEUCE LOOKING LIKE HE’S HAVING FUN

KALIM IS SUCH A MOOD, SINGING EVEN WITHOUT KNOWING THE LYRICS AND JAMIL JUST HAVING THAT “i want to die” ENERGY

AIGHT. ROOK IS HAVING WAY TOO MUCH FUN AND EPEL IS TRYING HIS BEST. HE’S SO CUTE-

OMG NEIGE AND VIL HAVING SUCH GOOD HARMONY—

YAHOO Y A H O O TANOSHIINDA~~

YA’LL SURE ABOUT GIVING ME THIS BLESSED MOMENT??

What a somewhat happy ending, even though Rook just backstabbed us I’m crying Beauté 100 points!!!

LOL Vil realizing he’s having fun singing with Neige- “SOMEONE JUST END ME RIGHT NOW-“ The desperation in his voice-

I love how Neige’s yahoo yahoo is messing with everyone’s head, even Vil wants to pass out lol

haha Crowley is so depressed lol

WHA- WHO-

HEADMASTER OF ROYAL SWORD!?

He looks like your typical grandpa- and his outfit looks like that one mickey mouse wizard outfit but blue—

Old man just went “we won lol” just to piss Crowley off I like this guy’s energy already-

Crowley being most likely as old as this guy—

ooohh this man just sensed something in this stage- Leona did too, didn’t he???

* Damn. Crowley talking so fast sounds like he’s making a load of bullshit lol

Anyway, I’m just glad that it’s not mickey mouse who’s the headmaster— I would’ve lost my shit.

We’re back in our dorms and I forgot that the squad doesn’t live with us anymore. It’s suddenly so lonely now...

Grim is getting the yahoo yahoo ptsd too lol it’s too goddamn catchy

oooohh shiet- mickey is calling us again

YES we finally got a good picture of this motherfucker

It seems like nothing is disrupting our communication this time, so MC thought to call Grim but—

Grim is not here.

Uuhhh...Grim? Where you’ve gone??? We’re getting flashbacks of the first parts of the game.

We went out to find Grim and HE’S CHOMPING ON ANOTHER BLACK STONE ON THE STAGE-

GRIM SPIT THAT OUT YOU LOOK TERRIFYING

AAAAAHH GRIM HAS GONE FERAL— He’s attacking US

Is this because we didn’t win his tuna canss nooo

NoOO SWEET BABY COME BACK.

Legit I’m sad, please baby don’t overblot like this...

He learned a new move though- SCRATCH

Ooh— We’re seeing some Ignihyde scenes here~

P U H I H I

Idia getting a lot of emails from bigshot companies whoa—

THAT OLYMPUS—?! EXCUSE ME??? Ortho what- Are we finally getting that Hercules episode—

Damn getting a hot chance in olympus only to put them down the recycling bin oof— Idia why edit : Yume was informed that olympus is kind of a company that sponsored VDC sorry she was mind-fucked at this moment and the ability to understand proper Japanese just went whoosh lol Thanks to @starshiningsirius for pointing it out for Yume~ ♥︎ HONESTLY YUME’S JUST GONNA WAIT FOR ACTUAL PROFESSIONAL TRANSLATORS AT THIS POINT LOL Don’t trust me for important situation too much lol

Aaaahh...We’re getting this shut-in out of his room in the next episode, are we?

And that concludes the whole Pomefiore Episode! JESUS CHRIST 75 CHAPTERS ALL IN ALL!? How long is the Ignihyde chapter going to be, huh!?

This was a really, really fun episode lol I’d consider this a fan service episode actually cause of all the things we get to experience— The singing, dancing, and the new songs, THE DRAMA. (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

But then, the plot thickens, no? What’s going to happen to Grim? In the Ignihyde episode? And those reoccurring memories of us? And our relationship with Tsunotarou lol ALSO WE NEVER REALLY DID FIND OUT WHAT ROOK’S UNIQUE MAGIC IS. DISNEY EXPLAIN—

Thanks for reading this shitpost of Yume losing her shiet lol See you all in the Ignihyde Episode~ ❤

#twisted wonderland #spoilers #episode 5 #Talk with Yume

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knullanon · 3 years

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Dad Lex finding out his bby is secretly dating someone?

ohhhhh, thats a good one, thanks for the idea!

Lex was not the guy who you wanted as a dad. He really wasn’t. Yes, he’s rich, yes, he give you more attention then you could ever ask, but that comes with the price of not being able to talk to anyone else. It was tiring. It was tiring not being able to walk outside without having to be with your dad. It was depressing, as well. You were feeling more sad than you have ever been, and you really didn’t want to tell your dad about your problems because he would turn it against the world to try and keep you in the mansion.

You were tired. You wanted out.

Kit was the one who helped you out.

Or, at least, as much as he could. He was the kid of another rich man, you met him at a gala. He was one of the nicest boys you have ever met. He treated you with respect, and his demeanor didn’t change when he found out you were there with Lex. It felt like you were just talking to someone who cared, someone who was a friend. You two hit it off, and by the end of the night, he had asked for your phone number. When you said you didn’t have one, he was a little sad, but he said to be at the next gala, which was in a week and a half. That was the longest week you’ve ever been in, waiting anxiously for something to happen. When that night did arrive, you found him in the corner of the place, a small room with luxurious couches. He then handed you a small smart phone and told you that there was unlimited data there and that you should probably be able to use it in the place you were staying. You gave him a long hug and after that the both of you became very close

Not even a month after, he asked if you would like to start dating. You said yes. You wish you could’ve waited to say so.

Turns out, Mercy saw Kit giving you the phone, and reported it to Lex. He obviously wasn’t in a good mood because of that, and he felt a little hurt by your secret. But, instead of confronting you, he decided to play it his way.

Kit had tried to talk to you at another gala, but he was interrupted by the guards guarding you. Lex did not let you wander around like he usually would. Instead, he had you stay close to him and you weren’t allowed to talk to people.

He also made Mercy take your phone when you weren’t looking, and while going through it, he was not happy.

The next gala, he had a robbery of his things happen and he had them blamed it on Kit. He made it seem like the only reason why Kit was even talking to you was so that he could get info on Lex for his own family.

After that, well, you never wanted to speak to him again. It didn’t completely disable your trust in new people, but it put it very low.

#dad!lex luthor

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coco96 · 4 years

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LDAF - JB Romantic

Bare Left Arms (Bucky Barnes X Fem!Reader) Request: ... people have the names of their platonic soulmates on their left wrist/arm and the names of their romantic soulmates on their right wrist/arm ... R has REALLY long list of platonic soulmates ... Bucky ... isn’t on her left arm list, he assumes that it’s because he’s unlovable ... when Bucky fully lets her in for the first time ... then they get each other’s names on their right wrist ...

Losing Almost Everything (Clint Barton X Daughter!Reader) TRIGGER WARNING: ATTEMPTED SELF HARM Other warnings: Spoilers for Infinity War, death Request: Clint barton’s oldest daughter from a previous relationship. She’s enganged to bucky when the snap happens and goes into a deeper depression when she finds out from her dad and natasha that laura and her siblings were dusted and clint and natsha both stop her from harming herself just in time.

Old Thoughts (Bucky X Daughter!Reader) Warnings: Coming out, mention of homophobia and not being accepted, yelling Request: Hi! Would I be able to request a Bucky x daughter where he finds out she’s a lesbian and maybe isn’t so accepting of it at first but at the end he’s understanding/accepting and just rlly fluffy? If you don’t want to do it it’s totally fine

Anniversary announcements (Bucky X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Mentions of past abusive relationship and swearing. Request: … Bucky and the reader has been dating for a long time and one day they discuss for something stupid and Bucky move his arms in a strange way and the reader gets scared (because of the movement, not because she is affraid of him) and Bucky gets very sad and the reader try to explain him that she is not affaid? Like a lit angst with fluff. Hope you could understand it..

I’m Here (Bucky X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Claustrophobia, panic attacks Request: Can you write one where Bucky and the reader are ok with each other but there’s some tension thrown around? Tony decides to make them work out what ever it is and lock them in a small room together. The room ends up being too small for the reader and she falls to the floor hyperventilating and Bucky tries to snap her out of it while cussing out stark cause he knows they’re on speaker.

Inspiration (Bucky Barnes X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Mention of past serious accident Request: … Bucky Barnes x reader where she was recently recruited after him and she has a similar prosthetic leg or something (you pick) and they bond over their prosthetics? Thank you so much!! 💕

You Should Know (Bucky X Male!Reader) Warnings: Bucky’s past Request: Hey! Could you please write a Bucky x male reader one shot where they’ve been dating for a while but the reader doesn’t know that he’s dating the Winter Soldier so Bucky tells him? Maybe some angst and fluff?

Bad Day (Bucky X Fem!Reader) Warnings: minor swearing once Request: … reader has had a really rough day at work and is really frustrated and when she comes home Bucky accidentally makes a joke that just sets her off? Can it please be really fluffy at the end? Thanks in advance!

Sisterly Assistance (Bucky X Male!Reader) Request: Can I request a Bucky x T’Chala’s!Brother!Reader where Reader is older than Shuri but younger than T’Chala… He was taking care of Bucky with Shuri, and developed a crush on the White Wolf… He decides to tell Shuri about it and she plays match maker with them, because she knows that Bucky likes her brother, too…

Good Enough (Bucky Barnes X Asexual!Reader) Warnings: Self-consious reader Request: An asexual gender neutral reader x bucky where the reader breaks down bc they think they arent enough for bucky? Xx

Movies (Steve X Fem!Reader X Bucky) Request: … Just where they’re all just snuggling together with the reader between the both of anthem because she’s the smallest + they’re talking about stuff thats been going on with the avengers; theyre all just really comfortable with each other + care about each other a lot. …

I Still Love You (Bucky Barnes X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Spoilers of Civil War Request: With the stark reader and Bucky one, can you do where he blames himself for the death of readers and Tony’s parents, but she still loves him, even though Tony doesn’t allow it. Eventually Tony and reader have a heart to heart and gives her his blessing. Bucky puts aside his guilt?

Learning To Love (Bucky X Fem!Reader) Request: … Bucky and the reader are in love but he avoid her because he hasnt remember how to be with a girl. So the reader confronts him and he tolds her that he is affraid of hurting her and fluff (love your fic, your amazing) <3

Part Of The Family. (Bucky X Tomboy!Reader X Reader) | Part 2 Request: Could you write something where Steve and Bucky live in a house and they have a spare room and put an ad out for a roommate? Reader is a college student with a crude sense of humor and she takes the room. She thinks farting and burping are hilarious and on weekends the 3 of them get together with lots of beer and sports on the tv. Because she’s one of the guys they say she’s the best roommate to ever have.

Pretty Woman (Bucky X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Mention of cat-calling Request: … Bucky x reader by the song “Oh Pretty Woman"by Roy Orbison?

Late Night Truth or Dare (Bucky X Reader) Warnings: Alcohol and drinking Request: … the avengers with reader play to thruth or dare (they had been drinking so its more funny) and they said funny things until they ask bucky and he confess he is in love with the reader, and all ask them to kiss? …

I Can’t Leave You Here. (Bucky X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Drug mentions, prostitution mentions Request: ... Bucky is dating a ‘normal’ girl but she’s never taken him to her place cause she’s embarrassed that she’s very low income? One day he follows her home and realizes how bad off she really is so he asks her to move in with him at the tower?

I Can’t (Steve X Fem!Reader X Bucky) Request: … ‘Having a secret crush on both Steve and Bucky’ would include and I was wondering if you could do an imagine based on that with fluff and angst maybe where they try to make her choose and she gets upset and doesn’t choose so she ends up with either neither of them or both of them. Thanks in advance.

Starbucks (Bucky X Male!Reader) Request: … reader is a barista at Starbucks. When the reader is on his lunch break, he’s meets Bucky for the first time after offering him a seat at his table (because all the tables were full). They hit it off really well and become good friends. Later on, Reader notices that Bucky starts coming to have coffee whenever reader is on break so they can hang out.

Memories In A Nightmare (Bucky X Male!Reader) Warnings: Nightmares, harm to character. Request: ... reader who has pretty galaxy/space powers calming down his boyfriend bucky? Extra fluffy! Maybe in his mindwahsed state bucky hurts the reader but reader judt loves bucky and is like no this isnt u!

A little Persuasion (Bucky X Reader) Warnings: Angry/ upset Bucky, flirting, jealousy. Request: ... Bucky is in love with the reader but wont confess, so Pietro flirts with the reader trying to make Bucky jealous and it works out, and Bucky confronts Pietro in front o the reader and lot of fluff?

Surprise! (Avengers X Reader) Warnings: Sad emotions Request: … reader thinks everyone forgot their birthday but they were just planning a surprise party for them? …

Finally Complete (Bucky X Wife!Reader) Warnings: Infertility Request: ... They’re married and she finds out she can’t have a baby. So him and tony (her big brother) go adopt a little girl to surprise her. She gets in from work to see her super soldier snuggled up to a 4 yr old girl. She jumps up extremely excited and asks if your her new mommy. Reader is so happy she’s in tears.

Liebling (Bucky X Fem!Reader) Request: ... the Avengers make fun of the reader because she’s german and one day she pretends to insults them in german but actually she gives them cute nicknames? Maybe some Bucky x reader because he knows he’s got a special nickname? ...

I Brought Flowers (Bucky X Reader) Warnings: Mentions of PTSD and illness Request: Bucky X Reader

I’ll Kill Him (Avengers X Fem!Reader) | Part 2 Warnings: Mentions of Domestic abuse. Request: Reader is the Avenger’s assistant and like a little sister to them, and one day she doesn’t come into work and Bucky goes to her house to make sure she’s OK and finds out she’s in an abusive relationship and helps her.

Sleep (Bucky X Fem!Reader) Warnings: Mention of violence and fighting Request: ... reader kinda acts like a cat and is constantly tired, no matter how much sleep she gets! ... the reader have aerokinesis ...

Unfortunate Reunion (Bucky Barnes X Reader) Warnings: Spoilers of CW, Black Panther, swearing and death of character Request: Bucky angst here, maybe a break up? Or a reunion years later after a break up? Maybe reader death? Thanks!

New Member (Bucky X Fem!Reader) Request: ... Bucky x mutant reader? Maybe she has fire powers? She’s very shy when she first goes to compound too ...

#marvel cinematic universe #Bucky Barnes #james barnes #Winter Soldier #bucky barnes x reader #james barnes x reader #winter soldier x reader #marvel #mcu #lazydoodlesandfanfic #lazydoodlesandfanfic masterlist

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moons-and-stars-and-shit · 3 years

Note

Hii! May i ask for a slice of cake? (If you can ofc)

So im a INFP-T virgo im also 4"11 i have dark brown hair it because wayy lighter near the sun. Also dark brown eyes my hair is cut kinda like a shag like the front is cut but the back isn't (bc of my parents) my style is grunge ig? Im very inlove with fairy style Smm but because im broke i cant really fulfil my love for that style (also probably because of my parents). My body is???? Okay my boobies are medium size and no unfortunately I don't have a fat ass 😕 im not chubby but at the same time im not skinny. Like the most fat goes to my tummy I get rolls when I sit down bath blah you get my point (im pretty insecure about it lolol). One of my two main dreams is to study abroad and become an interior decorator.

I dont know how to describe my personality but I will try. My best friend always tells me that my sense of humour is downhill BAD. I would laugh at the dumbest shit ever for example i laughed one of those pixilated bugs pics with random names on the bottom 💀 also I laugh at my own trauma and stuff that shouldn't be laughed at. I kinda have anger issues 😕 I get unmotivated pretty easily. I rant to my best friend alot and she says that im ✨depressed✨ and have ✨anxiety✨ and that i need therapy. Im scared to rant to my parents because im "too young and its just my hormones". Something that I found out about myself this year is i have chill tics 😦 (from anxiety). Outside im nice and sweet but on the inside my mind is just saying other things. Im SOMETIMES cold and say what's on my mind but thats to my close ones like my mom dad or friends. I dont lie going Outside alot I think school is kinda useless. I like to draw and listen to music my fav artist are mother mother and mitski.

I hope i didn't say TOO much anyway thank youu I hope you have/had a great day :)

🍰 for @shotosimp2

Romantic Matchup

Oikawa Tooru

How yall met

Ok im ngl

Y'all had know clue who each other were

Well that's a lie

Of course you knew who Oikawa was

But you just didn't care

Now Oikawa always saw you around school

You know...in the school uniform

But one day

He saw you outside of school in all of your grunge glory

And apart of him was like bitch wtf

And the other was like ok queen i see you 😗

So he approached you and complimented your outfit

And you said thanks and then ran off to wherever you were heading

Wait

You just said thanks???

No fan girling????

Not even a blush??????

Nothing????????????

OIKAWA.EXE HAS STOPPED WORKING

Ok he would understand that reaction if you were just a stranger on the street

But you went to school with him?

So you had to know who he was right?

Yeah my mans had a whole ass crisis because you didn't have a bigger reaction

The next day he went to Iwa and told him about his interaction with you

And he was just like not everyone was to like you ya know

Oikawa: >:o

Then Iwa had a brilliant idea

Get this

Maybe

Oikawa should BEFRIEND you before expecting you to want to talk to him

Wild theory I know

So now Oikawa had a new goal

Befriending you

It actually wasn't that hard since you both had a lot of classes together

Soon enough you guys became close friends

And oikawa was happy with just being your friend

At least...he thought he was

But everything changed when you told him you were going to study abroad for 3 months

And even though you had each others numbers

Everything without you just seemed so dull

Omg

Did he really have feelings for you?

The more time that passed by the more he was sure that he liked you

Like LIKED liked you

So the day you came back to Japan is when he confessed to you

And well you'd be lying if you said you hadn't caught feelings for him too

So you said yes

What they love about you

He loves how normal you treat him

Now hell admit when he first met you he kinda wanted you to treat him like a celebrity

Expected it even

But the more time he spent around you

The more he realized how much he liked being treated normally

Ok screw what your friend says

He loves your humor!

Yall will laugh at the dumbest shit

If we were to look at you and Oikawa's messages

85% of it would be dumb ass memes

And honestly

This boy makes jokes about his trauma too

“Hey Y/N you wanna hear a joke?”

“Sure”

“My existence”

“...”

“Ayyyyy”

He loves how easy it is to talk to you

Like he's told you things he hasn't even told Iwa before

And Iwa is his CHILDHOOD BESTIE

So yeah

Trust between you two

ASTRONOMICAL

What you love about them

You love how supportive he is

If you say you wanna do something

He is right behind you cheering you on

You could tell him you want to commit arson

And he'd just be like

Period queen ill bring the gasoline 💅

You can always count on this man to be in your corner

Speaking of

You can always count on oikawa period

Which is another thing that you love about him

If oikawa is anything

He is a man of his word

If he says hes gonna do something

You know he's gonna do it

He's just overall a really reliable person

You love how he just seems to motivate you to do better

Fr after you guys started dating your grades went

Partly because you felt like you needed to compete with him

But mostly because he just motivates and pushes you to do better

And if you do improve on something

He is HYPING you up

“That's my baby! I knew you could do it!”

Favorite things to do together

Yall love to just go to the store and window shop

Im sorry but yall are some broke hoes

So most of the time it's just you guys trying on clothes in the dressing room

Taking pictures of your outfits

Then leaving

Yeah the store employees kinda hate you…

But who cares what they think

And if you two do have some pocket cash you'll buy one or two things

Then blow the rest of your money on that good mall food

Cause why not

Random Hc

He makes fun of your guys height difference ALL THE TIME

But like, can you blame him????

You're not even 5 feet tall!!!

“Imagine being the size of a 10 year old, couldn't be me”

Imagine being taller than the national average height 😐, couldn't be me”

“Touche”

He let you dress him up as an E-Boy ONCE

Ngl tho he dug the eyeliner look 😗

He called you every day while you were studying abroad

He even sent you a oikawa plushie

You may or may not have sent him a video of you drowning it

When you came back to Japan he legit TACKLED you in the middle of the airport

Astrology

Virgo + Cancer

Compatibility 80%

Cancer and Virgo can have a wonderful connection and are usually brought together by sexual understanding.

The main problem of their relationship is in the possible conflict between emotional Cancer and reasonable Virgo.

If they manage to overcome this, accepting each other’s shortcomings and learning to incorporate some rationality or some emotion into their lives, they could end up in an inspiring relationship that will last for a very long time.

In a way, they complement each other as much as the heart complements the mind.

If they share a spark of love, it would be a shame to miss the opportunity for happiness just because of someone’s irrational expectations or someone’s closed heart.

If someone can help Virgo build their trust, it is their Cancer partner.

Although Cancer is a cardinal sign, they are stable by nature, especially when it comes to emotional decisions they have made.

If they have chosen Virgo to be their loving partner, they will have no reason to lie or cheat.

This behavior would only endanger their vision of a shared life and a loving family they want with the partner they chose.

This is also a reason why Cancer won’t have an initial problem with trusting Virgo.

Their convictions are stronger than their doubt.

Overall Aesthetic

Grunge Glamour ✨

Songs -

Tia tamera (Doja Cat)

Verbratem (mother mother

Literal Legend (Ayesha Erotica)

Hayloft (mother mother)

Stupid (ashnikko)

#haikyuu!!#haikyu x reader #haikyuu fandom #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu hcs #haikyuu matchups #oikawa hcs #oikawa toru x reader #oikawa x y/n #oikawa headcanons #oikawa tooru

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faeriesuns · 3 years

Text

So earlier this week my sister called our mom and told her she was taking her dads name, that he likes all of his kids to have his name (he definitely didn't think that when he abandoned her for our mom to raise for 25 years), and that the name she has now she doesn't want it anymore. I mean she's an adult, if she wants to change her last name then thats up to her...

It just broke my heart having my mom cry because my sister didn't want my moms maiden name anymore

Also like when I talk to my sister she always complains that our mom is being stubborn and childish about not wanting to have a relationship with her dad, when he was the one who abused her and cheated on her multiple times and caused her to have a miscarriage

I just...I'm so tired of having my mom crying because of my sister.

My mom and I decided we were gonna try to be involved in my sisters life and we told her we would welcome like going out to the trampoline place or the museum or the zoo with her and her kids but she just said cool and then continues to ignore us and just not try to be in our lives, and then complains when we don't show up to stuff she didn't even tell us about

Like I had to bug her for weeks just to come out to dinner with us. I've told her multiple times I have a present for her and she ignores me, I told her I'd be happy to come down to her house on weekend and just hang out and she ignored me again

The only thing that is a bright spot is my mom decided not to give my sister anymore money. Our mom gave her most of my mom's savings when she needed money and then she came back a month later and asked for more

I asked my sister if she would be interested in spending one day in the weekend with me and we could go do shopping or craft stuff and she said yeah and then when I texted her to see if she still wanted to do it she ignored me

The funny thing is that she hangs out with our cousin all the time, they got a job at the same place together and my cousin always hangs out with my sister and like they have inside jokes and everything

I keep trying not to feel like I've been replaced, and I've tried really hard for years to get a better relationship with her

I've always been the one reaching out and making plans and basically trying to worm my way into her life

I think I'm done with it

I love my sister, she's funny and really outgoing and fun, but she's also selfish and ignores stuff if its not what she likes, she bashes on my mom and I and then continues to act like her fathers family had always had her back and that they matter more than us

She blames anything she doesn't like from her childhood on our mom, and acts like she's a perfect angel and that our mom is some kind if mega-racist who purposefully gave her a bad childhood when it wasn't even like that

She used to sneak drugs in the house and disappear at nighttime, causing our mom to take off work and try to find my sister

Shes repeatedly made fun of my symptoms from schizophrenia and depression, anxiety, etc

Also her dad keeps trying to talk to my mom and be friends, even when she asks him to stop. Like I dont blame her for it, even if it was years ago I wouldn't suddenly become friends with my abuser

And she eggs her dad on and acts like our mom is being the unreasonable one, when she just wants him to leave her alone

Also her dad has a lot of money so I guess thats where she can ask for some now

(And its not like our mom wouldn't drop everything or give her money if there was something serious happening)

I dont know...I love her but I dont like her, especially right now. I've tried and tried and tried to connect with her and tried to fix her and our moms relationship and...im tired

Im so tired of this and being treated this way

Sorry I needed to rant

#gracie talks #tw family drama #family drama #im just so tired

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blue-shaded · 3 years

Note

This is not discourse or internet tea. This is honestly asking for advice on something.

Before I start the issue I’m stating happened 4 years ago but as the story progresses it will catch up to present.

My junior year of HS I met this guy in my science class we will call him satan (it’s my nickname for him and he knows it). Satan and I became really good friends over the course of the year and I started to like him and enjoy being around him. Homecoming came and he asked me to help him ask a girl and I thought it was going to be me...news flash it wasn’t. He was later rejected and well i offered him to join me and my friends. Soon he was a member of our friend group.

Now this is where it gets interesting, my HS had a intro to cooking class (nothing like home Ec) and whenever he made anything he would always give it to me or offer me the food they had. So I assumed he had a crush on me and stuff so I just kept waiting for him to ask me out, but he never did. Come around November he asks my friend (let’s call her Elsa ((she likes frozen))). So he asks Elsa out and she asks multiple times do you like D—- (which is me I’ll refer to myself as D) and Satan kept saying no I don’t. And they were very happy and if I’m being honest I was okay with it because I wasn’t sure of my sexuality at that point.

Come December of Junior year me and my friends have our usual Christmas party and well in my friends basement he held me because I was upset and I thought nothing of it. Come later that month I’m off in NY with my parents for a birthday weekend to meet a friend and I get a text from Satan saying “what if I left Elsa for another girl” I said “I will kill you” and then he said “that girl is you” and at the time I was flattered but I wasn’t about to break girl code so I said to Satan “don’t break up with because of me just tell her it’s not working out.” Satan didn’t do that he went to her and said “I’m sorry I’m breaking up with you for D marry christmas” and hung up the phone. Three seconds later he asked me out. I was said no maybe in a couple of months.

Come January junior year I developed a crush on this girl (now my best friend) and I asked her out and she said yes. And well he became very hostile TW/// suicide, guns, knife.

He started texting me about my dads gun and asking me to give it to him with one bullet, threatened to stab my at the time girlfriend and threatened to kill my other friends so I respectfully told the school and they were dealing with it. His parents blame me for his depression to this day.

Come end of Junior year me and my ex broke up and well he took his chances. Every month he would ask me out constantly, bring me gifts, give me food. I kept saying no.

1. Because I felt like if I was in a relationship it would be very controlling

2. He was my friends Ex and I wasn’t about to that

3. My parents would disown me and his parents would despise me

4. I Just wasn’t interested.

Now just last year my freshmen year he asked me out AGAIN after 4 years of rejection. It’s upsetting me at this point I remained his friend so he would always have someone to lean on since he has nobody. But it’s bothering me always having to say no to him because I hate upsetting people. And I don’t wanna drop him as a friend at all but I wanna be able to hang out and have fun and not have to worry about him thinking it’s more.

Just a month ago I saw him before he went off to college and he said that he was tired of seeing soulmate tik toks because his dosent like him back, called me pretty, called me beautiful and that he couldn’t look at me. I’m flattered but it comes from a different place and it makes me feel bad for him. I dont know. Plus on top of that i dont know anything about myself to even step foot into the dating pool.

I’m sorry this is long and I’m sorry if I wasted your time I just wanted to set the scene. Anyways anons? blue? What would you do if your in this situation?

My apologies for grammar and run on sentences I’m just trying to vent and get advice.

I honestly hate to see how he developed from an opportunity, into a huge ass red flag. Can he redeem himself from that? Yes, but I’ve barely seen anyone ever get over their red flags. I’m going to use my situation as an example here. My ex was the same kind of red flag at the end of our last relationship. He projected it all on me. We were in the same group of friends so we remained that way but he was horrible. I couldn’t stand being in the same room as him since he’d just gaslight everyone into thinking I was the evil being that was the red flag. I left it alone, all my friends left the situation alone. And now its better. For his depression, he needs help, serious help to get over that. I feel like right now he’s sort of, trying to convince himself that you are the solution to his mental problems and thats a lie. No one can make you better than you, yourself. Be mindful of him, support him when he needs it, but don’t join his pityparty in the sense of letting him date you. That’s not going to be good for anybody involved. The only thing you can do is be a good friend where he needs it. The 2 of you need to figure out yourself, and love yourself before you can love anyone else.

#Anonymous

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sweet-xoxo-thatcares · 3 years

Text

Also I noticed, mom's engine is kind of fuel proof.

And when I say engine, I mean her temper. Thats why Dad would always break it down to me when I would ask "What's wrong with momma?" And he would break it down to me like a list of groceries, and where everything else would hidden under a car hood. But I think mom would prefer the word table. Because she wouldn't like the idea of being compared to a car.

In Daddy's instruction manual, he was in coach mode. He figured her out. And it took awhiillllleeeee for him to get to understand her fully on why she would do the things she said, and acted and reacted the way she would do or wouldn't do....especially had she not have drank around certain times of the day when she was upset, frustrated or just having a headache.

I know this sounds like my mom is an alcoholic and I would tell you she's not. But she still has this thing like one would do, but she would probably suggest to me that its just stress and wine, and that I don't know what I'm talking about. Because any type of criticism, and I mean aannnnnnnnyy type of criticism from me, my dad, or family in general....hurts her.

And she hates that thing about me where I can just know what's going on and what I need to do to not get hit or lashed out at by her words. I don't need to her to tell me what to do. Because I hate talking to her when she's upset and don't wanna see her get triggered again. There's been times where she would put the foot up on the gas and blast right through us like we weren't there listening to her every word, every comment and not being able to block her words killed me every time. So I would just zone the fuck out, to not be mean back to her. Either that or leave the room. Because lets be honest. I don't wanna endanger myself by adding fuel to the fire by reacting to an adult who sometimes does/sometimes doesn't has control over her temper. I'm even having a hard time typing this out because it makes me paranoid to even say anything bad or wrong about her. Because she wants to be seen as perfect, even in front of her friends, family members we don't know, and company.

I know neither of my sisters like putting on this facade of fake smiles and everything...and I think maybe my sisters thought I was over exaggerating when I would tell them "hey you need to clean this up before your mom sees it" and then they would say "like yo, just chill. I got it" and I would get cranky, upset, and confused so much for tolerating this big sister role, that I would go in my room to confront my emotions about this alone. Because if the reason why I was upset or crying didn't make sense to my mom, she would look at me like I was stupid, "Like what's the point in crying over that. What's the big deal?" Because even after I told her I was dealing with grief because I had to cut off some friends with whom I was deeply attached to (and loved) she said "What grief? You didn't lose anything?"

Daddy had to reassure me that she just wasn't the innocent-playing control freak who was insensitive to her daughter's emotions. She hated seeing me sad all the time, going up to my room, not wanting to spend time with my family because I was depressed. She thought I was just being rude and irritable for nothing. When I finally told them why after having a panic attack about me just being depressed and I wasn't getting back to happy fast enough for mom and them, it stressed me out. Because they wanted to feel better, when all I wanted to do was cry, (cringe warning) white cake icing that had been sitting in the pantry for like a year, and compulsively watching anime and korean dramas. And of course thats when I started doing music as a coping mechanism.

But any who back to my original intention to say...

Mom has a fuel tank, with an engine light, and a reader.

The more things that trigger, it gets added to the pot. Like she's not over the top neat-freak, but things add up. And Daddy was making a lot of sense about why momma cried when I told her the chocolate chip cookies she made were too crunchy when I was maybe 6 years old. I shut my mouth after he told me. He didn't yell at me, but I kinda wish he did. I told her I was sorry and she hugged me for understanding. That's probably how I started using context clues a lot better in most english literature classes. I had to survive my childhood with my mother. Escape the belt, escape the "whoopens" escape control, escape everybody telling me to do this and this right the first time or else.

Momma is sensitive too. Just like me. Cause I'm her daughter. And I think I became more entitled for her to take care of me and my emotions as I got older. Because I blamed her lack of care for my emotions and attention, when all I was doing was keeping myself out of harms way. It was either by feeding her negative emotions with kindness. Problem and solution. More compliments, complimentary breakfasts, cooking for something new or especially different, talking to her to make sure she was in a good mood first to talk, because I know she gets uninterested and cold if she talks. Kinda whatever I saw my Dad do for her to make her feel better, I would try to mimic that. He was like my calm down, cheer me up kind of guy. He would listen, understand, be patient with me if I was upset or just emotionally frustrated. But tantrums he would get more aggressive to get me to stop embarrassing him if I was upset in public, so I had to be quiet then and just let the teardrops drop and shut up. Because I hated disappointing my father too. Especially if mom had already made me feel bad for not pleasing her or not looking pleasing enough to go out to eat. She was very picky on clothes, and my taste was different from hers. I think maybe we were just too similar on wanting things the way we wanted things to go. Maybe I started turning into her, once I started dating these other people who I thought reminded me of these little piles of quarrels and abc debates with my mother. I don't like to argue, but I guess I have a fiery engine too. The little things add up and it gets on my nerves after awhile. Sometimes I can't think straight and just talk it out if I'm so damn frustrated. So I have to leave the room and handle the way my father would have wanted me to. Which was to not fight, to not lash out, don't let nobody get in your face, don't put your hands on them unless they put your hands on you. He made sure of that when I was going to school. He didn't want me to end up like him with a bad record of getting into fights with kids in elementary. This guy was a beast back then. He even challenged the big dudes, because of his height at the time. Especially if it was for justice for somebody talking shit to him. He wasn't taking no bullshit. A lil bulldog with aggression, that later on turned into passive as he got older dealing with the workforce. He probably saw some shit with corporate and certain types of people that he had to deal with. Dealing with people like that to pay bills and you got kids at home, I could see why he would find another better way to talk over someone who thinks less of them, because he figures people out too at work. Once he does, you can't fuck with him. He won't give you a reaction. He tries to see the logic of it so he never ever lets his emotions about something get to him. He moves forward and turns his heart off. Brain on. Like a robot, coming to an absolute conclusion so he never has to face that again.

That could be why I say I'm like a cool blend like my mom and dad. When Im hot, im like hot, coffee, acid,aggressive, passionate, fiery like my mom. Dad, he's cool guy, people smart, cold, blue, smooth, fast, speed, control, logical, offensive linemen, defensive line. He's a football guy, quarterbacks think in sight and what they observe. They have to learn to be on their toes. You can't fool him or lie to him, unless you changed. Like I did.

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bethanybyrne · 3 years

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Over the past week I’ve watched the show Euphoria, four movies, The Breakfast Club, Mean Girls, Mid-90’s and Kids. I would have to say when I was in highschool I would identify very similarly to Brian from The Breakfast Club. Brain was very shy and he was kind of considered a nerd. I was also seen as shy and was considered a nerd, I was far from a nerd and anyone who actually knew me knew that, but the glasses definitely didn’t help. I got intimidated by people very easily because I didn’t want any drama and the best way to not start any was by just letting them think they win or are in charge. His parents also had very high expectations for him and I feel like mine did of me too but they were different expectations. I come from a big family so my parents learned things from how my older siblings lived their lives, like my sister getting pregnant at 16 and then my brother getting his girlfriend pregnant at 17 and my other sister getting pregnant at 18, and I feel like they thought all of us would be like that if they let us live a certain way. I also feel like I was one of the kids that they took it out on the most. I would like to say I was a good child. I did everything by the book I followed every rule they had and it felt like I wasn’t really living my life. I watched all my other siblings go to parties and sleep over their boyfriend’s houses and just different things like that but whenever I would ask it would be a big deal so eventually I just stopped asking. I feel like I was just so afraid of disappointing them by asking for the same things everyone else got and I was scared of being rejected in a sense. I also feel like this stopped me from being myself and it did start to ruin relationships that I had with people I deeply cared about and at that point it led me to become depressed. I was starting to feel like I was disappointing my parents, my friends and my boyfriend at the time. I feel like that’s why I relate to Brian he didn’t want to disappoint anyone and it got to the point where he had low self esteem and was depressed because he wasn’t doing what he enjoyed or wanted. He was just trying to please everyone else. Don’t get me wrong I don’t blame my parents for any of this but maybe if I had stood up for myself and wasn’t worried about what other people thought I would be living a completely different life, but then again I might not be at the place in my life where I love myself and make my own decisions and I don’t care what anyone else in the world thinks about me, not one person. I’m living my life for me. A common theme that is represented in all of these films and tv shows is sex. Sex happens to be a big part of society and it controls a lot of things. In the tv show Euphoria, Rue’s best friend Jules her life revolves around sex. She meets men on dating apps and she is intimate with them even if she doesn’t have good experiences she continues to do it. In the movie The Breakfast Club they make sex a big deal. Bender keeps making comments to Claire about sex and making a big deal about whether or not she’s a virgin. At one point they all sit in a circle and talk about their experiences. Another movie this week thats theme is sex is Kids. This movie is all about their sexual experiences and talking about sexually transmitted diseases. In the movie we find out one of the girls finds out she has HIV and she tries to find Telly to let him know but he is onto his next “adventure”. Also the movie Mid-90’s they all talk about getting laid and the little kid Stevie also has his first sexual experience and all of his friends and the girls friends make it a big deal.

The soundtrack of a film or tv show can make a major difference in how you interpret a scene. For example if there’s a scary scene about to happen you usually hear suspenseful music to let the audience know that it’s coming up and this happens with happy scenes and dramatic scenes and sad scenes. There’s music for pretty much every scene or event you can think of. So I made a Spotify playlist that will define some key moments of my adolescent experience. The first song on the list is my all time favorite song it’s called “Anything but Mine” by Kenny Chesney. I feel like this song describes my last relationship. It’s a love song but at the same time in the song you know that it’s going to come to an end even though the both of you don’t want it too. In the song it says “I don't see how you can ever be anything but mine” and I feel like that’s how I feel, it’s like saying I can’t imagine you with anyone else or even you without me. Some days every once in a while I still feel that way. The second song on the list is a song called “Springsteen” by Eric Church. I listened to this song for as long as I can remember as well as most of the other songs on this list but this song just makes me feel good and it gives me hope and I honestly couldn’t tell you why. The third song on my list is “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield. This song kind of played a big role in my adolescent years, it told me that you don’t have to plan the future and no one else can tell you what to do because you have to do what you want to do. The next song on the playlist is “You’re Gonna Miss This” by Trace Adkins. This song taught me not to rush life even though it was hard to not try to, but like the song says you’re gonna miss this and to be honest I do cause I would try some things a little differently. The next song is “Mississippi Girl” by Faith Hill. This was my favorite song when I was a kid. In the music video she would be walking back and forth on a bridge and at one point she jumps off the bridge and I would be standing on my coffee table and I would jump off of it like I was jumping off the bridge I had to be like 8 years old but that’s one memory I can’t forget.

The next song is “Even if it Breaks your Heart” by Eli Young Band. This song helped me when I wanted to give up a lot. It's just telling you to not give up on your dreams even if that dream breaks your heart cause if you really want it it’s worth it. Another song on my playlist is “Letter to Me” by Brad Paisley. This song is another song that kind of just reminds you that everything works out in the end and that everything you’ve been through happens for a reason. Another song is “Fifteen” by Taylor Swift. This song kind of explains my whole high school experience with guys and how they don’t really care they kind of just have their own agenda.

This next song on the playlist I’ve only recently discovered but I love it. It’s called “Chapters’ by Brett Young and also features Gavin Degraw. This song is like the title of it, it shows how they're different chapters in life and how some are good and some seem bad but everyone’s in the same boat everyone just wants to get it right. My favorite part of this song is actually the part by Gavin Degraw. He sings “And right now I can hear God laughin' Guess he must have heard my plans, And my odes, thought it was a joke, Gave me more than I could ask, And I wish I knew back then”. I needed a lot of reassurance back then and sometimes even now and one place I’ve always found that is through god. This last song is the song I want to play for the daddy- daughter dance on my wedding day it just describes things from my childhood. At one point in the song he says “Sometimes you're asleep, I whisper, I love you, In the moonlight at your door, As I walk away, I hear you say, Daddy, love you more”, my dad used to leave for work at 2am so when he would leave every morning he would go to our bedroom door open it and tell us he loved us and that is something I treasure and keep near and dear to my heart. All of these songs on the playlist I made had some impact or remind me of my adolescent years in some shape or form. https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3qSUwhPYjqOG57Otyxrt4Y?si=bWmcJypVQnWeFuo8bfBRow

#Spotify

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bladekindeyewear · 4 years

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HS^2 bloggin’ upd8 2020-01-17

Alright, morningblogging yesterday’s 2020-01-17 upd8 to Homestuck^2 let’s go! Spoiler-free again. I kinda don’t want even the next chapter names image-spoiled above the cut anymore so I’m going to have to figure out WHAT to put above the cut in these liveblog posts for visual reinforcement... a unique silly icon? Going back once I’m done with the upd8 and posting something non-spoilery but weird-looking out of context?

Eh, can’t be assed. Just know that after this I’m going to pony up for the Patreon commentary and skim it for anything plot-useful to y’all (in a separate post). Let’s get started.

Okay, what’s next: Any bonuses? Oh, none! Phew. Unless those are coming faster too and just staggered differently, which would mean I gotta overcome my irrational pre-Homestuck-reading anxiety even MORE often. :T

No Homestuck you don’t GET to ask how my-- ah, right. :P

(FYI, HS^2 has been good to my emotions so far, quite a balm for the epilogues, so once I START reading I’m usually fine; but after being hurt so badly how could I possibly convince my lizard brain to trust it until it’s right in front of me? Seriously, just hearing that the upd8 has landed messes me up a bit until I come fix it by reading w/ y’all here.)

Okay, so whose feelings? As much as I’ve been waiting for Jade, I hope this isn’t about Jade.

> ==>

Ah fuck, we’re finally with the Pursuit Crew. Bracing myself. That means we get to see probably sleeping Jade ( :C ), full-swing DaveKat (approving nod), the first canon onscreen look at masculine-mode Roxy (<3), a probably pretty pissed off Kanaya (possibly either the feelings target, the one Saying How Are Your Feelings, or both), and uh... did they drag Callie along? Or leave her back there with her meta freakout? Probably left her back there, but... hm.

Let me turn up the brightness on this screen to sear these next pages into my retinas. (Also, it feels odd to still be using a four-person “==>” for these, although if Jade is still asleep the numbers might fit on both ends... :c )

> ==>

I don’t think Dad is in the spacefaring business, so this is probably one of Jake’s shittier spaceship designs.

> ==>

...well that’s a touch disturbing. Is that a Jade-occupied bed or are those just pillows?

Oh what the fresh fanfic’y heck is this command.

> i enter.

Okay that’s great. I got a kick out of that.

JADE [in calliope red]: the prince’s power grows.

--but that’s not. That explains the narrative command text, it’s alt!callie talking through a still conked-out Jade. Please let her wake up between speak-throughs, please tell me you’ve learned that trick?? I already know you’re gonna pull an “oh she was asleep pretty much all of those THREE YEARS OF TRAVEL” thing on me and that’s hard fucking enough to deal with.

KARKAT: JESUS CHRIST!

He’s actually using the full curse correctly, huh?

...These commands. Guess part of the puzzle is how much alt!Callie is being typically morbid and how much she might actually be wising up enough to get a kick out of this.

> the knight of blood falls.

DAVE: dude can you chill for like even a single fucking second DAVE: also are you ok

Has CallieJade chilled for even a single second this entire trip?? Is he asking just if Karkat’s okay or Jade too???

--yeah I’m overblowing things out of nervousness. Just wait and see a bit, boots.

Alt!Callie has at least learned to be more of a smartass:

> karkat is characteristically appreciative of the alarm call.

Shirt trade Karkat, nice. And uh, Jade’s dress sure is a... dress. Hm.

(Did alt!Callie alchemize adjustments to did she just luck out to have a red-symbol’d Bec belt and accent leggings? I’d prefer the former, because as much as it would be acceptable within Homestuck proper, using the transition between the epilogues and this new-author’d work to just HAPPEN to give her a fitting outfit without an excuse via providence is kind of lazy.)

KARKAT: OH, PARDON THE FUCK OUT OF ME FOR OVERREACTING A LITTLE WHEN MY GOOD FRIEND "POSSESSED JADE" BUSTS INTO MY RESPITEBLOCK AT 5 AM! KARKAT: NEXT TIME I’LL JUST PULL THE COVERS BACK AND LET HER CLIMB IN! JADE: i am uninterested in that scenario. KARKAT: GREAT! POSSESSED JADE ISN’T EVEN HORNY! HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT?

...please let that mean he’s not used to her being possessed all the time and she wakes up sometimes. PLEASE.

DAVE: but im pretty sure i locked that door JADE: i unlocked it with my mind. DAVE: fuck KARKAT: FANTASTIC. JADE: the prince’s powers are growing, but so are mine.

Dave, I’m pretty sure regular-ass no-Green-Sun Space powers can flip a few lock tumblers too. (--though, I guess from context this was a Jakeship technolock. Confirmation on the ship’s bad taste in design. --I think I’m foggily remembering it said in the Epilogues that they took one of Jake’s ships just like Dirk did, too... man, being depressed so much by the Epilogues sure took a lot out of my ability to recall them decently.)

KARKAT: LIKE YOU DON’T FLOAT AROUND LIKE A CREEPY PIECE OF SHIT ALL DAY AS IT IS?

God DAMN IT she’s been asleep and possessed the whole fucking time.

> sleep is abandoned, coffee sought.

More obligatory DaveKat being cute, somehow only emphasized by the embarrassing glowing-with-power observer who doesn’t really get any of it.

Ah, here we go:

> the rogue is also awake.

Oh huh. Cool!

Hero outfit, understated... her his choice of heart-shades color-coded to stand out from Dave more to avoid further mistaken identity cases. Works well! (Holy shit I only JUST remembered at the end to go back and correctly gender Roxy as him, that was close. I blame the epilogues for a lack of visual reinforcement; I shouldn’t have as much trouble soon enough. Seriously, I don’t remember ANYTHING without visual reinforcement, I think that’s why I remember so much of Homestuck proper so clearly.)

KARKAT: OH SHIT, THERE SHE IS! I DIDN’T EVEN HEAR HER FOLLOW US! ROXY: sometimes a girls just got to get her drift on i guess ROXY: it be like that

ilu roxy.

I missed Roxy so much, you guys. I need more of him remarking on all this crazy shit if I’m gonna stay sane though all this. (And I need more of him and AWAKE JADE kicking ass independently or together if I’m going to continue to believe there’s justice in the world.)

> ==>

We rarely saw Rose drinking anything but the rare coffee in canon, but I think Kanaya would have gotten her plenty into tea, yes. Or at the very least, wanting the aesthetic of drinking tea with Kanaya would have gotten Rose into tea even if it never crossed Kanaya’s mind to try the stuff.

ROXY: well i mean who knows what she drinks now ROXY: dirk probs tossed the coffee machine out the space window right away ROXY: dude doesnt "believe" in "substances" > the prince is contemplated for a moment in silence.

FUCK, Dirk can see the narrative all the way out here??? No wonder alt!Callie’s forced to have possession turned on 24/7. That’s fucking disappointing. How the hell are we going to get any proper Jade time with THAT hanging over our heads? She’d only be able to do anything when Dirk’s knocked out, and maybe not even THEN!

I was virtually promised more of actual non-asleep Jade getting shit done in HS^2. Now there’s an even longer wait on it than I expected. This sucks.

(EDIT: BOY did I misread that link line. Thinking “is contemplated” meant is sitting contemplating, when it meant "is being contemplated by everyone here". That was dumb of me.)

*clicks that next link*

Oh my goodness, Roxy joined the Bird Hair Crew. It makes him look like a fucking asshole but I kind of love it.

KARKAT: IS THERE MILK?

I can’t believe Karkat is okay with drinking milk. --yes, culturally Trolls are more comfortable with animal excretions than we are, but you would’ve thought years of railing against Equius would have purged any tolerance the idea of milk from his psyche.

I guess Dave introduced him to cereal, and it was all over from there.

DAVE: this is more like a castle DAVE: a castle of idk DAVE: twenty something ennui

Sounds like a relatable mood. Especially considering Dirk probably decided to conquer reality out of almost nothing but twenty-something ennui.

Alright. You aren’t going to turn Kanaya into an alcoholic or anything on us are you?

> the knight of time seeks a sylph...

--this is the shittiest shipboard starship aesthetic.

> ...and finds her, momentarily.

WOW that looks fucking depressed. :(

> ==>

...okay you know what? Never mind. That outfit has wrapped straight back around into Trying Too Hard and is now hilarious.

DAVE: you ever feel like our whole lives are eventually gonna end up like this DAVE: just blasting through space on a sweeps long journey to ""somewhere"" chasing after or running from some vague enemy thats sometimes a god modded pet dog and sometimes your dad DAVE: without the faintest fucking idea of whats going to happen when we get there DAVE: thats a little specific but you know what i mean

Why do you think the epilogues upset us so much? We thought we’d won free of that bullshit.

> ==>

Oh jesus christ that’s the most depressingly sad I’ve ever seen Kanaya drawn. :C

--Karkat got you to watch Serendipity? That’s amazing, Dave.

KANAYA: You Arent Reminding Me Of Her As I Rarely Think Of Anything Else KANAYA: I Close My Eyes And I See Her KANAYA: I Keep Them Open And I See Her

Fuck.

Y’know how little showing these two in love and actually HAPPY together we’ve seen in this entire comic and its subworks? Despite them having spent at least a few happy years together we only saw in tiny screenclips? And how Candy alluded super hard that they most likely couldn’t get that in this real timeline where shit’s going down?

Seriously, FUCK. You could at least pretend to give us some hope, here.

Oh no, don’t ask for the nursery story, Dave. Unless it turns out to be a funny one or a Rose twist on an old story or something. Which it probably is, I should stop worrying.

> ==>

KANAYA: Oh Its A Wriggler Story About A Young Prince And The Beloved Flower He Loved And Lost DAVE: flower DAVE: like a plant KANAYA: Its A Fairytale Dave DAVE: right KANAYA: A Singular Wild Rose He Failed To Cherish When He Had Her KANAYA: And His Journey Of Discovering What She Meant To Him All Along KANAYA: Culminating In A New Quest To Find Her And Win Her Back

Dirk you PIECE OF SHIT did you rewrite the narrative of the fucking STORIES SHE TOLD CHILDREN?!?? Does the fact that alt!Callie is only in the present mean he can rewrite ANY past event we didn’t literally SEE??? FUCK you. Seriously fuck all of this.

Please tell me she was kidding just then, or realizes there’s fucking something wrong with what she’s saying and getting angry or.

(EDIT: shoutyourporpoise replied: "Hey, idk If you picked up on this, but the 'nursery story' Rose told to the wigglers is just The Little Prince, which is maybe a BIT early for them to read, but I don't think that's a case of Dirk changing the narrative; its just Rose being Too Adult as usual." Oh, damn, I didn't even CATCH that it was that story. That makes all of this a lot more forgivable, even if pretty unforgivably leaning into the fiction that Dirk used to brainwash and kidnap her. Maybe that's exactly why it worked -- fiction, a story so blazed into the public consciousness? Hm. Thanks, shoutyourporpoise.)

KANAYA: But In A Way I Feel As If It Is the Greater Universe Trying To Tell Me Something

Mother fuck I’m even going to have to see our protagonists warped by Dirk when they’re ostensibly FULLY SHIELDED aren’t I. There’s only so much of that I would be able to take, you know.

KANAYA: It May Simply Stem From My Longing To See Her Again And How Much Is Indicative Of Something More Sinister KANAYA: She Is A Goddess Of Light And The Only Of Her Kind We Know Is Alive After All KANAYA: Maybe Shes Wrested Dominion Of The Entire Concept In All Its Appearances Within This Frame Of Reference

Hm. Well, it being a product of Rose’s ascension instead of Dirk’s is possibly a more charitable take, with Ultimate Rose projecting the delusion enforced on her backward, visible to past Rose’s Sight when she isn’t paying attention and thus paving the way for Dirk to paradoxically exploit that “ideal” as something Lighty and Important and “Perfect”. I still don’t fucking like it though.

> ==>

DAVE: sorry i know you say you got your badass monster powers but kanaya you look tired as hell DAVE: not that im tryna psyche you or whatever but youre waxing poetic in the dark which i guess is maybe on brand but still

Yyyep.

DAVE: unless terezi is lurking in the vents somewhere and now that i bring that up its actually not out of the question so im kind of gonna be thinking about that one for a while

Pffff.

DAVE: youre the only person i know whos still basically the same as when i met you

--Which is kind of going to have to change, right? She’s got some other cosmic purpose ready to change her a little more than she changed pre-human-troll-meetup, you’d think.

> ==>

Cute as hell.

> ==>

KANAYA: How Are Your Feelings

There’s the title drop. I’d think Dave’s doing pretty well, considering? Still fucked over by Dirk betraying and tricking Rose away who he’s been close with all his life, but.

> ==>

DAVE: except sometimes your best friend disappears and your other best friend goes into a ghost coma and your third best friend fucks off to space with your dad DAVE: the dude youve spent the last 7 years convincing yourself isnt an egomaniacal anime villain DAVE: and who isnt actually lying in wait to completely decimate your life and your emotions and shit

Ah... yeah. A little worse than my casual list, huh? Forgot that Jade vanishing into a possession-coma for THREE FUCKING YEARS is going to be hard on people inside the comic too, fuck.

DAVE: maybe it was naive to think that a bunch of twenty something trauma victims could run a society

I was honestly surprised they TRIED to run society at all. Jasp even just highlighted a big reason why not in the bonuses.

DAVE: cool how earth c existed for centuries then we show up and manage to ruin society in seven fucking years

Well, the trolls got THEIR lesson on why they didn’t deserve to rule over their new universe like gods; I guess some of y’all needed that lesson too?

DAVE: every serious conversation i have inevitably falls apart into riffing on a casual acquaintances ass

True.

Dammit, Dave didn’t feel like he could just be Some Guy even on Earth C. :(

> ==>

...don’t think I’ve forgotten that nursery story, though. I don’t want to think that it was something that ACTUALLY past happened, especially not without manipulation. Like maybe past Rose was foreseeing the false purpose that Dirk wrote for her or the like, a cooperative misunderstanding between the two instead of Dirk or Rose literally reaching back in time.

> meanwhile...

KARKAT: WAIT, WHY THE FUCK AM I EVEN ASKING? HE’S OBVIOUSLY NOT FINE. KARKAT: ARE ANY OF US? ARE YOU? ROXY: not rly KARKAT: EXACTLY.

--Oh right. I remember that Callie and Roxy were going reasonably steady in Meat even though it was only alluded to, she didn’t freak out and stay awol or what have you. That’s good to remember. But it means Roxy deliberately left her behind to go on this dangerous quest, for years. :C

KARKAT: KANAYA BARELY EVEN TALKS, CALLIOPE WON’T LEAVE THEIR CABIN, JADE JUST FLOATS AROUND LIKE A CREEPY BALLOON THAT’S MOSTLY MADE OF HAIR.

Oh, SHIT. I should have read one line further. They DID bring her. Alt!Callie being here too must really FUCK with her. ...maybe she can actually learn to accept that alternate way her life might’ve played out, though?

KARKAT: THE REALLY FUCKED UP THING IS I MIGHT BE THE MOST OKAY OUT OF ALL OF US, WHICH IS HOW YOU KNOW SHIT HAS REALLY GONE GLOBES UP.

Quite true.

ROXY: ur kinda an intense dude anybody ever tell u that KARKAT: NO.

Pff.

> ==>

KARKAT: AGAINST PRETTY MUCH ALL ODDS, AND DESPITE ME NOT DESERVING ANY OF IT, I ENDED UP GETTING PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING I WANTED. KARKAT: OVER AND OVER AGAIN. KARKAT: SOMETIMES IT ALMOST FEELS LIKE WHATEVER SLATHERING MONSTROSITY OF A COSMIC HELLBEAST THAT PUT ALL THIS SHIT INTO MOTION...ACTUALLY LIKES ME?

Well, if you want to blame Lord English for instance... we never saw Caliborn and Karkat interact much, but the parallels between the two were drawn so severely that Caliborn was basically the idealized, multiverse-threatening Ultimate Kismesis that he’d always dreamed of. And operated against him without him even ever quite realizing it.

If a level of “respect” went from Caliborn to Karkat, too, from his Lord-Englishy vision nigh-omnipresent, then this outcome isn’t very surprising at all.

> ==>

(I don’t quite feel I get why Roxy shifted to this exasperated-Dave expression, but I get logically that he’d been waiting for Karkat to make a breakfast choice... Homestuck proper rarely pulled a “last line said corresponds to next-panel’s expression” without either leaving the conversation blank or having the NEXT lines of the conversation reinforce it, to prevent this inelegant misunderstanding. Andrew was really damned talented in getting his point across visually, in that regard. Just like, that careful visual intent delivery.)

Alright, I guess that’s it for this short upd8! Meeting the pursuit crew was both more and less difficult than I expected. Hopefully I get desensitized a bit as the characters continue to feel semi-almost-sorta-fine.

I have NO idea how this group is gonna work as a proper crew when we get to whatever weird other-players’ session this shit is going down in, though.

#Homestuck #hs2 #Homestuck Liveblog #upd8 #bladekindeyewear #blastyoboots #spoiler #spoilers #shoutyourporpoise

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mxbitters · 4 years

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ohohohhohohh boy its a night. thinking my depression/dysphoria/daddy issues album of the night should either be black parade or bullets.. maybe i’ll go for bullets i dunno. but also i think either would help. hah mama is like me but with my dad hhhhh this is not a great night sorry im like vaguely venting i wrote the depressing triggering vent in a google doc and will later blackout poem it or write it down on paper and then blackout poem it or ? i dunno it just sucks to know i’m like never enough for him and he takes me being fucking depressed and staying in my room as a personal attack on him and when i say the days fade into each other and i cant tell this weekend from last weekend he says its fucking proof that ~i need to leave my room more~ and i’m too fucking scared to look him in the eye and tell him that i am fucking struggling even to get out of bed and do basic things most mornings and it feels like so much of the mental progress ive made is backfiring with everything going on and how i havent gotten any school shit done in at least a week and a half and all these nice things are happening but nothing feels like it’s about me anymore and ive always been doing shit for other people to distract myself but its built up so much and its gotten to the point where its like i dont even know what i want or what my value is except for the things i create and what i contribute or maybe these are all just what im thinking right now and i dont usually think this way but yeah i dont usually cry like i was getting close because of that you me at six song earlier but im just. yeah. rip thats so sad alexa play *sobs quietly* by mom jeans anyway um. yeah i dunno im not even crying anymore ive gotten better at switching it off because i really dont like people seeing me like this,, no its just like how can you look at your kid with a history of mental fucking problems and say its about you. not to mention that i came out thREE FUCKING YEARS AGO and he still calls me that stupid fucking name and “she”!!! that kid’s not coming back!!!! and the sooner you accept that the sooner i’ll be able to give you your goddamn tenth second chance or whatever the fuck it is. but dont fucking blame me for drifting away when you pull shit like this. i dont want to not have any fucking relationship with my dad and i try and connect in the only few ways i know. its not my fault he makes fun of my interests and shuts me down and doesnt do his part to oh i dunno fucking meet me in the middle or something i dont even know this is really frustrating sorry for making you read this if you did. this is a huge fucking word block i wish i could double space it’s awful oh man sorry ignore this i guess

#vent #depression tw #dysphoria tw #i dont even know how this has just been getting really at me and hes always trying to start a fucking fight #even though hes LITERALLY AT WORK ALL DAY and come to think of it im downstairs the same time-#-id be if i were at school and shit. were seeing each other the same amount dammit #except i fucking sleep more. whatever #i just sick of the fucking guilt tripping #hm maybe i could just listen to stomachaches #oh. yeah that feels right um #ohOHHHOHOHOHO BOYS WE'RE IN IT TONIGHT HUH <3 #no im ok though im fine now i just needed to vent here im sorry #but like these are the times i just. i wish i HAD A FUCKING THERAPIST HAH #long post

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johnnys-so · 5 years

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I recall you saying you don't know Day6 well enough for an analysis, but what about now? If you can, we'd love one. Thank you!

HEYOOO!

Umm a lot hasn’t changed on that front but I feel like the distance might be a good thing so I’m going to attach some small mini-analysis after the cut.

sungjin

Bob is literally the most dad friend ever and I think he really takes the cake (though GOT7′s JB comes a close second). He looks so constantly done with all of his members, and yet - probably the one who cleans the kitchen and makes sure to stock up on water/ramyeon/veggies etc.

I feel like he was born to be the hyung, you know? He is the responsible and primary caregiver type. Even though he doesn’t make a big show of it, it seems to be a big part of his personality that he takes care of other people

Also, my god his humour is just.... something commendable, truly. He can’t be funny to save his ass but atleast he keeps trying and i think THATS what so funny about him??? sungjin-ah.... never give up bby

I feel like he’s the least complicated of all members. He doesn’t seem to be the emotionally volatile type and seems very centred in his personality, he also seems oddly like he might have a sister? a younger one (does he? idk, mydays pls let me know). it’s just that other than the protective bear stereotype, he does seem emotionally well-adjusted. Maybe he’s just at that point in life where he can encounter a shitty day or some sort of hardship and look at it straight and say - ok, that’s fucked up. But I guess we gotta just work through it. (in comparison, wonpil would be shrieking through his lungs AND working through it)

in terms of a temper i think he most certainly has one but it takes him a while to get there and i don’t think he’d talk through it AT ALL. maybe cleanliness would be his pet peeve? (im just shooting in the dark here)

to wrap it up, sungjin is the sort of guy (in my opinion at least) who has a strong and steady value system and he’s sort of ok with dealing with the world as long as he has it figured out in his head. He knows who he is, and therefore there is little conflict he brings to the world. If he wasn’t playing in this band, I’d 1000% see him settle for the corporate life and clean9 to 5 job which lets him come back home by 7pm and have some cold beer while watching football and hearing his kids play in the living room

Jae

Aww man this skinny bitch. I feel like the fandom is sleeping on his ‘annoying prankster’ potential because i think he’d give peeves a run for his money

derives great joy from the misery and anguish of others (probably has Wonpil maniacally laughing in the background)

on a normal day Jae is the sort of person who’s probably going through memes on the phone while everyone’s having a serious conversation about their tour or like their everyday schedules. He has a few things he cares about in life and is okay to take a backseat when it comes to the other shit. As long as he gets what he needs (a possible slytherin mofo?)

But that’s not to say that he’s easygoing or wishywashy about the things that he does care about. Music, matters a lot to him. Even though he’s not academically musically instructed (as young k is) he has spent a whole lot of time and effort into educating himself to the point that it really shows in their albums (i could wax poetry about the complexity of Day6′s music and how its so refreshing in it’s personality of being both goth and peppy i-). So Jae is most certainly determined, goal driven and very intrinsically motivated

Also, very much in his head. If he doesn’t have a strong pisces placement, I’m willing to eat my foot. I feel like while Young K is very intense about his emotions, Jae gets very emotional about the people he surrounds himself with.

With people: not very trusting of everyone. Has a chosen few that he goes to certain things about. Might be the kind of person who distributes his troubles by categories to various confidants. But also, trust is something that is earned with jae. But that is not to say that he won’t get along with other people. He’s cordial and is good in engaging a crowd (as a performer, MC, friend, VJ) but he’s also good at drawing lines and boundaries

the most incredible part of his personality for me has always been his work-ethic and his drive to be better. He’s always challenging himself through his existing skill set, but also pushing himself to learn new things. Sounds like a bloody workaholic to me.

probably shit at figuring out his own feelings/emotions/attitude about certain things. But always up for being the wise advice-giver to other delinquents (read: jamie)

sarcastic wit to sass everyone for days. probably a loki over thor guy

Kink master extraordinaire. Likes cooking up shit and encourages people to sin.

Young K

emo baby af. But we all knew this so more on that later

The ultimate Onion of a personality. Young K, off the bat, seems like he hides so many layers. Not purposely at all, but simply because he’s unable to communicate the extent of his mental world to the public

one beautiful way he has found to channelise all of his thoughts and ideas about the world is clearly through his music and lyrics. But he’s also extremely creative in other ways (art and fashion). I feel like he’s the sort of person who feels most confident and assured in himself when he’s creating.

socially, what a mess. I wouldn’t say he has trust issues like Jae does but im pretty sure he’s made some foolish mistakes about choosing friends and not realising how to navigate that friendship (friendships where he has demanded too much or has been demanded too much of??). But otherwise a jovial fool the kind of person who laughs the loudest (and dorkiest) at a dinner with friends

how’s his alcohol intake? I have this super funny intake of a drunk young k trying to write mini love poems for all his friends and sungjin being called to take him home and the call actually begins with “did he try to be poetic again?”

while im trying to paint a picture of him as a jester (because young k also needs to be seen for beyond his emotionality) he’s the kind of guy that would surprise you with how brilliant he is. An actual wisecrack/genius, and very underappreciated. I wouldn’t be surprised if he someday returns to teaching

Right. Emotionality though. If he isn’t some pisces (sun or moon) i will actually yell. He’s the definition of ‘someone who navigates an alternate plane, is open to a world that most people don’t even begin to understand exists’. i feel like speaking to him about abstract concepts - such as the existence of truth, the point of life, the definition of beauty, other existential phenomenon - would be so much fun because he’s have such an interesting and unconventional take on things. I feel like he’s make me humble with the words he has (he already makes me feel so secure with all of his lyrics because i realize, even if the world is shit what a relief that someone like young k exists)

probably would be a guilt-ridden but a wonderfully emotionally supportive boyfriend. Someone who understands your demons all too well and would go the extra mile to provide whatever help he can

1000% has high neuroticism scores that would be cause for concern. someone give him a Beck’s depression inventory right away.

HAHAHAHAH probably the fucking kinkiest mofo, after Jae

Wonpil

An actual baby!!

No ok but wonpil has matured THE most in all of Day6 and i really didn’t realise it until i notice how his expressions have become more closed during airport pics, and his voice has gained a new level of emotionality in live stages, and he’s also a lot more reserved these days on variety shows

still the most extrovert in the group. I just think the fame, the crowd, the possible betrayals as a result of their growing fame and having to be an adult in this tough situation - has gotten to him. But that’s inevitable really. None of us can be protected from the reality of life that leeches away at our innocence

such a vibrant soul. Such a giver. As a friend, he’s literal sunshine. Not much of a protector, but more of an amicable I’ll-always-be-there-for-you sort of person (though im guessing the amount of people he extends this courtesy to nowadays has probably reduced.

fucking made to be an entertainer. He’s naturally funny and attracts all the energy (and eyes) in the room to himself. A very good mood maker if you will

in terms of neuroticism, I think he’d be more on the depression (from the constant stress workstyle and the increasing loneliness) than an anxious person. I think he probably is a bit volatile in his emotions but that’s because he gets lost in the moment. He’s literally someone who lives in the present far more than he lives in the past (sungjin or young k) or the future (jae)

don’t think he's intrinsically motivated much. Prone to a lot of lazy days, a lot of extreme gaming and just randomnly playing jokes and pranks on people. he’d need some strongly external guidance/deadlines to get his work ethic going

high extraversion and agreeableness, probably low on conscientiousness (especially discpline) but fascinated by aesthetic beauty (openness to experience).

Dowoon

Honest to god i cannot figure him out. I think it’s a case of - im trying to look deeper and harder but the truth is, it’s not even that complicated

underappreciated oppa potential 100000%

still comes through as a dork of a maknae. has zeROhand eye coordination outside of drumming. the kind of kid who breaks the glassware and blames it on his sibling (wonpil) and his parents totally believe him because he could do no wrong (aka sungjin grudginly yells at wonpil, again, about house rules)

just a man dedicated to his drums and his food. if he can play some solid beats, get some work done on the albums, play a nice set on a tour, have some chicken and beer while he is resting, have his hyungs fool around in the green room --> he good bruh

but by no means does that make him a fool (though i do think he’s a bit of a fool sometimes when it comes to picking up social cues about wonpil/jae making fun of him. he lacks the 눈치 you know what i mean)

Also (maybe I just love plot twists) but i think he’d be eerily good at picking up on people feeling sad/depressed/lonely/off in general. He’d be like that guy who just walks into the room and sees you just slinking away on the sofa and he thinks.... nah im just going to give them space and go get myself some food. But literally a few seconds later, he sits by you on the sofa, offers you food, and asks what’s on your mind. The silent supporter kind. Willing to listen, willing to be there for you

i don’t know much about dowoon so im just going to end this with: arms that can lift kids/ crush you in a bear hug/ pin you against a wall and leave bit marks on your neck

sorry if that didn’t cover much. I sort of only know day6 with their music. If im extremely wrong or way off about someone, please reach out and correct me!!

#day6 #character analysis #sungjin #young k #jae #wonpil #dowoon

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dashimba · 5 years

Text

THE 100 my thoughts of 6.07.

Well, me, finally, calmed down and rewatched the whole episode again.

The first thing is that this episode was splendid! I loved it all from first minute to the last once, basically was glued to the screen all the time.

I enjoyed the idea of space minds, because, firstly, it allows to see character deeper and feel their intention, fears and feelings through simple objects of reality, pictures, things. It also gave us a link to ‘Inception’ movie and pointed to Freudian concept of the unconscious. Besides, it also guides us to the Eric Burn theory that each person contains ‘child’, ‘adult’, ‘parent’ personality.

It was smart to use the rain as a metaphor of Clarke swings moods, chest with the code for her secret memory, also show us her dads video and Jasper glasses inside of it.

Her mind is constructed by series of locations. The reason behind is that Clarke really changed through all of her stages in life. Each one has its own meaning for her, as she grew from a young idealistic teenage girl to a grown woman, complicated and contradictory person. She became not only leader to her people, but also a parent figure. We could equate it to the thing of becoming a real mom to a child, who needs care and protection.

Clarke character this episode, her development was really thought through.

Lets try to analyze main locations.

First, we should compare how Clarkes personalities are connected with each stage of action. Second, we ll try to have a general concept of each mind space.

1.Spaceship

This place is where all Clarke memories lies, her story. I guess its just a hard drive to the whole computer, shortly her brain. There she is represented as ‘the princess on the spaceship’ and also as Wanheda, also as The Clarke ‘Madis mother’ ( Read it that way ‘child’, ‘adult’, ‘parent’) . These three parts of her personality show us the two parts of Clark, the peaceful one, rebelious one, guilty one. It’s her three sides, which are struggling to fight each other to prevail in behavior. She still has her child hopes. She still tries to be rigidity and consistency in her solutions. She now is accepting her responsibility, drowning in a blame for her decisions.

The Clarke on the spaceship is the Clarke, who believes that there is so much more than survival and fighting for life. She appears to be the most vulnerable one. Wanheda has the power of being more dark for the purpose of the survival and life. She is the dark side of Clarke who was formed by conditions of her living. Clarke from season 5 and 6 is Clarke who is trying find a peace for herself as a human, suffering inside from two sides of her world.

The lights and the colors in this mind space are truly melancholic and blue. I feel her depression and longing for sadness through this location. Clarke at the moment does not feel right at all, she is feeling down and she is losing hope.

2. The forest

Its totally the most dark place, therefore dark lights and night forest as the symbol of loss and deprivation. Its kinda blurry here too. The ruined throne of Lexa is her pain, which hides under the layers of self-control. There she loses her hope after fake memories of Bellamy. He is still that person, who has that strength and hope for her which she seeks. He is her last pillar of energy to survive and live, as the leader of her people. Because of him shes still trying.

‘You still have hope?”

‘Were still breathing’

But after the fake memories, she doesnt see any benefit to live as someone who can look for her people. Shes already dead, why bother?

3. The fighting pits and the Mountain weather.

Sharp and bright light. The fighting pits is another symbol of her guilt, though Bellamy forgave her, she coudnt do it herself. She didnt win her war with her demons. The BloodRena represent rage, anger for herself, crawled inside Clark. The Maya is the sigh of her moral system confused, her inner guilt for what she thought she would never have done as a child on Spacekru ship.

4. The home

The place where Clark feels most safe, focused and calm. Warm,

light colors and drawings not from her memories, bur from her feelings. The most significant drawings are Ebby, Madi and Bellamy. Its her family now. There she meets Monthy, there she finds her dad alive.

Its her heart in this home.

Her last hope is to live for Madi, as Monty reminds her. To be a mother to a child she raised. I mean, obviously, Madi is the last reason, why Monty as her mind protection appears. Monty was her friend, who truly figured that sometimes good and evil are twisted, and having burden of blood hands doesnt mean ure a bad person, but still means that its the best way to live and find peace.

There she is a ‘parent’.

Anyway, this Clark destination is to forgive herself and to start create something new through the ashes, to find something beside Madi, her people and Bellamy to live for. To heal and become more balanced.

Whats about Josephine?

Her line is connected to Clarke one, as their minds are tangled.

Let me say one thing, she is really hell of sociopath. I do not hate her as a character, but I do see the motivation of her behavior.

The thing is that in Josephine minds her father is the really important figure, affecting her the most through all stages of life. His voice is everywhere, in the library(her voice from childhood memories, calling him. reading letters). Through the door. He is shouting ‘The Sanctum is mine’. This pair could be compared to Odin and Hela relationship. Same spirit there.

Her brain structure is the library, completely rationalized and sorted. She doesnt feel mercy or regret, pity or happiness, pain or pleasure. She doesnt understand human emotions, as she is not able to comprehend them fully. By all sort, she is freaking genius(knows various language, deep in biology and science, gifted for art) but by the cost of her mental disorder. In her memories she adored herself so much that she could stop drawing her first body. She doesnt know what moral is. Its a blurry concept for her.

Her moral is to provide herself the immortality on all costs. She doesnt find it right or wrong to murder, to betray, to tortue. She doesnt care about anything but about herself. Not life of a newborn baby, her friends lover, her father could prevent her from achieving the goal. Its truly frighting and dreadful. She shouldn't be in the lead at all.

Read this to insure yourself that Jo is in fact sociapath https://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html.

And she knows that. Her hidden thing is the awareness on that. She doesnt accept it at all. She is savoring it, not trying to control or to restrict herself. Its caused by the trauma of guy who kills himself , but still not completely.

I also liked the referral to the predator behavior( dialogue of J and R, when they are haunting Clark), as the main concept of Lightbourne views.Besides, they regard science as the God for them, it means the complete refusal to moral question and ethics.

Josephin: I studied all species, insects are almost fascinated me the most,...ruthless. People theyre so messy, theyre too emotional.

Josephin: You, nulls, are more than worthless, you all don have positive value. You are less the useless. U delude the bloodlines...

So on.

From Clarks side theres a lot of talking whats right or what wrong, even with ALLIE. What defines God.

Its not a coincidence that she tells Monty about the God question, overshadowing Lightbournes things. About connection of moral and real life.

‘I dont want to decide for everyone, Just for myself’

Its a good thrust that through her mind projection of Monty she still thinks:

The end does not justify the means

Murder is still murder, whatever it brings after, peace or war.

She doesnt devalues the human life. Thats why Clarke is the best leader from the start. Her moral compass is always there to remind her that leadership should be based on clean hands, true intentions to help and grow, not in dark night, but in the light of a new day.

Clark also says: ‘Theres no joy without pain’.

For me, it sums up all of her personality. Meaning - to have something good, first sacrifice. To earn happiness you should feel the real anguish. But even after the pain, you are capable of finding hope and peace. Thats why she agrees to go with Monty and fight J.

That what differs Clark from Lightbourne.

She is still in a process of defining what decisions shed like to make, what person she should be. She senses and appreciates.

Lightbournes are in stagnation there.

The last few senconds

Bellamy is just the ‘heart’ all over the place. He is back to his natural statue.

That means head and the heart in work, which, I remind you, always the best.

Thanks for reading.

All the love :)

#the 100 #the hundred #bellarke #bellamy blake #the hundred watch #bellamy x clarke #clarke griffin #spacekru #russel lightbourne #theorythe100 #josephine lightborne #primes lightbourne #series #the hundred season 6

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