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thepaintedlady00 · 1 year

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Burden

Chapter 12 | Chapter 14

Chapter 13: Eye for An Eye

An update at last! Sorry for keeping y'all waiting so long moving was awful but I'm finally finished! So I should be getting back into the schedule of writing and posting! 😊 Thank you all for your patience! Enjoy the chapter!

TW: Soft Dream, some minor sexual content, a few sadder memories here and there, Desire, depictions of violence, a bit of Dark Munin (aka Daunt), cliffhanger (though y'all have likely been preparing for this since that one peek like forever ago) My editing site is having some issues so this is mostly unedited, so take mistakes with a grain of salt. Thank you!

The Dreaming had been a realm of vast beauty as ever-changing and endless as the being that forged it. The Dreams and Nightmares that dwelt there had seen a great many wondrous things like a sky filled with shooting stars or the wind laced with hues of color as it moved through the town with music, and, of course, the multiple occasions of endless rain that matched their kings' downtrodden mood. Still, all throughout The Dreaming, they agreed they'd never seen something as wondrous and beautiful as this. The sky was alight with stars and night mixing like paint with the pink and gold hues of the dawn. Puffy clouds swept through the vast plane, a bed for the shining stars and the morning glow - dreams and memories sharing the sky.

Dream of The Endless had many lovers before you, but none had made him feel this way. Safely tucked within his private chambers, the great being of the unconscious mind held you as you slept soundly against him. The softness of your skin, the heat you produced, was something he knew in an instant he'd never get enough of. Your white hair spilled across his dark sheets like fallen snow as feathers still swirled along the floor in a delicate dance.

All he could do was look at you and watch you as you dreamt sweet dreams of him. He could feel the truth of the words you'd whispered to him the night before. Dream could feel the love and devotion you bore for him as though it were a natural law of this universe. And perhaps it was… Perhaps your fates had been so intertwined from the start. It was, in his mind, the only explanation for how deeply he felt.

Dream of the Endless loved you in every tongue, every word he knew - in languages so old even the earth and cosmos above no longer remembered. How could he not? How had he ever spent one moment of his life not loving you? Your lips quirked into a quick smile as one of your moonlit eyes opened. "I fear I may crumble under the great gaze of an Endless, should you continue to stare at me so."

He laughed, a sound so full of mirth and peace, accompanied by a genuine smile that made you wonder if he'd always been so… Adorable. "Forgive me. I did not know a mighty goddess would be so susceptible beneath a thing as simple as my gaze."

"Everything is susceptible to your gaze," you replied, lovingly lifting your hand to stroke his face. "Such a thing makes even the most stoic of creatures weep."

"Such flattering words," he whispered, kissing your wrist. "One must wonder what you seek to gain from such compliments."

Your smile was too beautiful as you shifted, pressing your lips to his chest. "Do I not already have everything I could possibly wish for?"

"That depends. What is it you wish for?"

"You." Your breath caressed his skin, a frozen thing that sent a chill up the Dream Lords' spine.

His night eyes sparkled as he stroked your hair behind your ear. "Then yes, you have your wish. I am yours completely, my love."

Your eyes fluttered closed. "Say it again."

"I am yours," he repeated.

"No," you replied, smiling brightly. "Say that you love me."

If he could perish, Dream was sure he would have then and there, and he could think of no better way to enter his sister's lands. He twisted his body, pulling you beneath him to press an array of kisses on your face. "I love you, my Munin."

Your hands combed through his messy hair. "As I love you, my Dream."

In his chilled embrace, you felt safe and loved. You felt a part of you, the part that held Daunt's hurt, slowly ease until the memories didn't feel so painful. You'd healed that piece of yourself you and Dream both had. Love was all she'd ever needed to feel whole.

As the sun began to overtake the gorgeous sky of The Dreaming, you and Dream knew that while you both longed to lay in bed, wrapped in only the silk of his sheets and the touch of each other's skin, you both had duties to oversee. Yet neither of you could seem to pull yourselves from the bed, from the gentle caresses and the soft-spoken words of adoration or the overwhelming pleasure you brought one another in strenuous bouts of intimacy. If either of you had the choice, you would spend the rest of eternity here.

The dreamer's voices slowly ceased as day woke them from their dreams and nightmares, and with the quiet Dream closed his eyes and let out a soft breath. “Though night has passed, there is still much that needs attending.”

“There is always work to be done for your kind.” You giggled, pressing a gentle kiss to his chin. “The Endless know no peace in this world.”

His eyes gleamed as you glanced up at his face. “That’s hardly true, I’ve had many moments of peace.”

“Name one,” you challenged.

“Last night.” The love sparkling in those damn starlight eyes made you burn with warmth. “Every moment spent with you has been one of peace, even when I was too blind to see it.”

You smiled, hiding your blush by burying your face in the soft planes of his chiseled chest. “Now, who’s using flattering words to gain favor?”

His whole body rumbled like thunder as he laughed, a sound you would never get used to nor get enough of. "I hardly have need of such. As you said, I already have all I could want.”

Oh, what a thing it was to be wanted. To be loved especially by one such as he. The weight of it was something that both soothed your soul and spurred it into restlessness. A contradicting combination that you’d deduced was something that simply came with the adoration of an Endless being. For so long, you were convinced you could never have that due to the nature of your being, and so the warring sensations that, perhaps, should have sent you into unease made you feel complete.

The peaceful quiet was interrupted by a brisk knock at the bedroom door before Lucienne quickly entered, eyes glued to the book in front of her as she walked toward the desk in the corner of Dream’s room. “My lord, forgive my haste,” she looked up, eyebrows furrowing at the sight of an empty chair.

“What is it that’s troubling you, Lucienne?” Dream questioned with that smug tone you’d grown to love. “It must truly be something if it brings you to my private chambers.”

The poor librarian was hardly prepared for her lord's teasing tone and even less so for the sight of the two of you bare and entwined with one another in the lavish bed. Her eyes grew wide, and her cheeks glowed, but the slightest hint of a smile spread on her lips as she stammered, quickly turning her back to the two of you. “Forgive me, my lord! I did not know you were… were… occupied.”

You shook your head, resting it on his chest once again as he struggled to remain composed. “It’s alright. Now I believe you had a pressing issue to discuss.”

“It’s hardly pressing,” Lucienne muttered. “I’ll be more than glad to give you the details when you’re… adequately dressed.” She bowed her head and made her way toward the door. “Good day, Lady Munin. My lord.”

“That was rude of you,” you chided softly.

He made a noise as he moved to sit up against his headboard. “On the contrary, I believe my librarian and my raven have had something of a wager with one another concerning you, and I’s… intimate affairs. It seemed only fitting to inform her of her victory with a glimpse of proof.”

You sat up, trying to ignore the way his eyes drifting along the naked planes of your body made you want to devour him. “How do you know she won?”

“They discuss their affairs quite loudly when they believe I’m not listening,” he admitted with a slight grin. “Besides, I am The Dreaming. There is scarcely anything within it that I am not aware of.”

“So you knew she was coming to knock on your door then?” You asked, tone light and teasing.

His grin never faltered as he arched a brow and shrugged his shoulder. “Perhaps.”

You shook your head at his antics and smiled, stroking his cheek. “Who would have pegged the great Prince of Stories to be so dramatic?”

“All of my subjects, or at least so they’ve told me.”

Rising from his bed, you bathed in the golden warmth of the sun that illuminated his room and closed your eyes with a content sigh. Behind you, Morpheus rose as well. He wound his arms around your waist, pulling you into his embrace as he pressed a kiss to your shoulder. “If only we could remain here forever.”

The bright array of his starry memories swirled around you as he set his head against your shoulder. “An eternity of you would be more than I could ever hope for.”

“An eternity we have,” you assured him, turning to look at him. “Sadly, not one confined to your bed-chambers.”

"I have something for you," Morpheus said, suddenly quiet as he stepped away, fully clothed in an instant, and carefully pulled something from the closet that appeared before him.

For a moment, you mistook it for a cloud, white and soft looking, but as you stepped closer, the garment's structure became apparent. A cloak, long and flowy, hung in his hands. The white material was purer than anything you'd ever seen, a mystical white rivaling the freshest fallen snow. Around the cuffs of the sleeves and the high collar, golden fabric wove in intricate wood-like patterns and silver leaves. Inside appeared to be lined with mist and a glimmering silver. It was the most beautiful thing you'd ever seen, shadowed only by the ethereal hands that held it. "Morpheus…"

His jaw tightened as his eyes stared at the fabric in his hands. "I made it some time ago. It was meant to be a gift to Daunt, you, one I'd intended to give after my meeting with Hob Gadling. But, as you well know, that didn't happen."

"All this time… You kept it," you noted, looking at his stoic face in awe. "Why?"

"I'd hoped you would return." His eyes sparkled as he finally looked at you. "After a period had passed, and we'd both calmed I… I hoped I'd find you walking along the beach so I could present it to you. A gift meant to act as an apology for my words, one I now know would have done little to atone for my cruelty."

Your heart filled with so many things as you took in the depth of his words and the gift he now extended out to you. “It’s beautiful.”

With a smile, you felt his eyes take in your naked figure before the feeling of soft fabric settled against your skin, a new gown gifted to you by his power. Holding the cloak up slightly, he asked, "May I?"

"Of course," you said, turning and pulling your hair over your shoulder.

The moment the heavy, yet all too light, fabric settled along your shoulders, you felt an overwhelming sense of emotion. This, you realized as Morpheus looked over every inch with a meticulous gaze, was worship. He had given you not only a simple cloak but a piece of art he'd perfected for who knew how long. And above that, he'd given you a garment that matched his own. A silent assurance that you were his and he was yours.

"How does it feel?"

You could feel the tears building in your eyes as your hands smoothed down the embroidered lapels. "It's perfect."

He hummed. "I could always adjust it or remove anything you dislike."

"No," you insisted, startling him with your sudden hug. "Don't change it. Not at all."

As you walked through the town of your lovers' creations, adorned in your new cloak of mist and moonlight, you offered each being you passed a smile and some light conversation before making your way to Cain and Abel's garden. You'd spoken to both of them shortly after you returned, the memories of each brother flowing back into your recollection as swift and smooth as a rushing river, but you'd not been available to simply sit with them since then. Tea in their garden was something you often missed in slower moments, their company was loud and filled with them interrupting one another, but you'd loved it all the same. With Dream busy attending to his work, you decided today was the perfect day to catch up with your old friends.

Sirius and Kat joined you, the owl sparing no formalities with her stream of too-personal questions regarding you and Dreams night together, while the wolf companion offered only a simple question, "Are you happy?"

Though the answer felt obvious, you looked into your companion's eye, so full of old pain and worry, and smiled down at him with a nod. "I am happy."

"Then I shall resist the urge to bite him. Don't expect me to be nice, though."

Your laughter seemed to bring light to his eye. "I would never deprive you of your grumpy comments, my star. I hold each one very dear."

Once you'd reached the garden and helped Abel set the table for tea Matthew swooped down, landing in front of his own cup with a loud caw. "Sorry, I'm late. The boss needed me to check in with Rose and Lyta."

Lyta. The name sounded familiar, but before you could dwell on it too long, Cain set the kettle down and sat in his chair. "If you intend to bore us with tales of the Waking, do make it quick."

"I like hearing about the Waking World," Abel replied with a smile as he poured tea into your cups. "There's so much new stuff to learn about. Like cell phones! Have you seen a cell phone, Matthew?"

The raven sighed. "Yeah. Had a few of them when I was human."

With a gleeful chuckle, Abel sat down next to his brother, who rolled his eyes. Kat's hop echoed through their garden, pulling Matthew's gaze skyward as she gracefully guided through the trees. Kat's golden wings cast a glow across Matthew's silken black feathers, and you watched as his beak fell open slightly.

He shifted between his feet, talons clicking against Cain and Abel's garden table. "Uhh, hi there."

Your friend's golden eyes looked the smaller bird up and down. "Hello, little bird."

Matthew gulped. "So… You're uh… Bigger." Cain shook his head from across the table as Matthew stammered on with incoherent words trying to make conversation with Kat. "What I mean to say is you're impressive!"

With a low hoo, the owl giggled, a sound you'd rarely heard. “Why are you always so nervous?"

“You… Well, you’re kind of intimidating,” Matthew replied with a nervous chuckle. “Talons and glowing eyes and all.”

“Fret not, little bird. I won’t scratch you.” Kat stepped closer to him, lifting a curled talon to gently scrape along the raven's beak. "That is unless you ask me to."

Shaking your head, you sipped the tea in front of you as you made small talk with the brothers, eventually moving to admire the flowers in their garden. You stopped, gaining down at the little pale plant that had sprouted new leaves but had yet to grow. With a hum, you kept in front of it, carefully stroking a leaf with a curious gaze. "Why haven't you blossomed yet, little one?"

You'd thought after your return, you'd find it large and beautiful, yet it had only changed slightly over the century since you'd planted it. Frustrating as it was, you had no intention of rushing its journey. Abel placed a hand on your shoulder. "Late bloomers are my favorite. They always end up being the most beautiful."

"Thank you for tending to it." You smiled at the little plant. "Even though it's proven to be more challenging than your other plants."

Abel waved off your thanks. "I enjoy challenges. It'll bloom. We just need to find the right motivation for it, that's all."

You felt that twinge of something missing bloom once again in your chest as you turned your head and looked over at the trunk of a nearby tree, and a hazed memory played in the mist. A tall figure leaned against the tree, only the form of it visible to you as your form moved closer. “What do you think, Corinthian?”

“I think we’ve been here for hours, and the tea party has gotten boring.”

“Boring, boring, boring,” your voice huffed, clearly amused. “Is that all you’re concerned about?”

The figure’s stiff posture relaxed slightly. “Oh, I got plenty more to fuss over.”

“Fuss as you see fit, Dear Corinthian, but do try to let us boring people have some fun as well.”

Your body burned, soul igniting with the remnants of a being your mind still shielded you from. Lifting your hand, you tentatively pressed your fingers to your chest, an action meant to soothe the ache but one that ultimately made you feel it more. Beside you, Abel kept talking, telling you about the flowers and the garden that now felt all too empty. Eventually, the pain subsided, and you were left with a hollow feeling, one you forced yourself to ignore.

Across the garden sat the large empty home that once belonged to the gargoyle Cain and Abel had been gifted by Dream long ago. You’d known of his fate for some time, and you’d mourned the creature, but you hadn’t spent any time among his empty home. Dead leaves crunched beneath your careful steps as your fingers traced his name. There, beside the large house, was a small one filled with small strands of shed white fur. Sirius’ name was carved above the entryway, and for a moment, you were filled with peace.

Dream had honored his word and taken Sirius in, had built him a place in his realm to wait. A pulling sensation filled your being as mist began to fill the small opening in the trees. The mist took Sirius’ form, curled into a ball, thin and devoid of the life you knew your companion to have. The memories of his tormented stay within The Dreaming plagued your mind until the softness of his fur filled your palm as he slid into place beside you, pressing his head into your limp hand. “Why do you weep?”

You hadn’t felt the tears until he pointed them out, and with a soft sigh, you wiped them away, sitting on the ground to envelop him in your arms. “I did not realize how my absence harmed you.”

The wolf made a low noise and pressed himself further into your hold. “There is nothing for me without you. But, cast those thoughts from your mind, my lady. For we shall never be parted again.”

“Never again,” you vowed softly.

When Dream eventually finished with his work, he joined you in the garden, the two of you slowly migrating to Fiddler’s Green, where it became impossible to ignore the empty feeling that had nestled deep in your chest. Your eyes fixed on a willow tree, the mist pooling around it bringing the memories of the nightmare in white back to your mind.

“I don’t think Fiddler’s Green appreciates your sarcasm.”

Once the lumps evened out, The Corinthian sat back down. “Fucking ridiculous.”

“Lighten up,” you’d said, bumping him with your shoulder. “If you’d be a little nicer, then maybe you’d have more friends than just me.”

“Nice isn’t in my nature,” he insisted, tilting his shades down.

You touched his cheek. “You’re nice to me.”

“You’re the exception, not the rule, fair lady.” He turned his gaze away from you again.

Laying your head on his shoulder, you sighed. “I adore you, Corinthian.”

The sound of his laughter made you draw a shaky breath. He laid his head on top of yours. “Yeah, me too, Daunty.”

“Munin?” Morpheus asked, his fingers stroking your cheek as he pulled your attention away from the willow and the memories. “Are you alright, my love?”

You considered lying, of sparing him the burden of your odd feelings and these memories, but then you shook your head and leaned into his chest. “The realm feels odd… or perhaps I do.”

Worry settled on his face. “Has something happened?”

“No,” you assured him, gently pressing your lips to his cheek. “I just feel… It feels like there’s something missing.” Your eyes turned to the tree again. “Something important.”

He followed your eyes, and for a moment, it looked like he realized something you had not, but he quickly turned his head back to you with another question. “Are you in pain?”

You shook your head, holding a hand to your chest. “No, not really. It’s an odd sensation, but it doesn’t hurt anymore.”

“As much as it pains me to part from you,” he began. “You have duties to attend to in your realm, and it seems mine are not yet finished.”

“Will you visit me?” You asked. “Or must I lord a kiss over your head?”

He laughed and shook his head. “I’ll not deprive you of anything again, my dear Munin.”

Pulling him in by the lapels of his coat, you smiled. “Good, I’d hate to have to torture you with… choice dreams.”

His eyebrow arched. “An evil thought, perhaps one we can explore later.”

“If you so wish it, my love,” you answered, pressing your lips to his. Kissing him was quickly becoming your new obsession. The softness of his lips and the taste of wild magic and dreams and night made the whole experience something you longed for. As you parted, you ran your fingers through his messy hair. “Goodnight, Morpheus.”

“Goodnight, my love.” Morpheus pulled your hair behind your ear before watching you shift into the white raven, showering him in white feathers as you flew up into the now-darkening sky.

The passing days were peaceful. You and Dream visited one another each night, sharing a bed as though you’d been doing so for centuries. Everything with him came more naturally to you than breathing did, and he felt similarly, as though your closeness was something as set in stone as your functions. Love became far too tame a word for the way you felt about one another.

Sirius had not changed his grumpy treatment of the Dream Lord, but he’d certainly accepted the newfound intimacy between the two of you. It had been awkward at first, especially when Sirius had leaped onto your bed and shoved between the two of you with his hindquarters snuggly pressed into Dream’s face. Since then, though, you could have sworn both of them began to like the night's Dream spent in your realm. You’d never tell them, but one night you’d risen to walk through the trees and returned to find the two of them lovingly snuggled up against one another. The rarest of sights, and something that only further warmed your heart to both of them.

Sitting among the children, helping them weave crowns of twigs and leaves, you happily basked in the blissful feeling of it all. It had been all you wanted once, and now it was finally yours. Sirius approached with a wary look in his eye. He let one of the children adorn him with a crown and settled beside you. “Something troubles you.”

“There is a dark feeling lingering in the forest.” He replied, eye scanning the trees. “I do not know what manner of beast it is, but I wish to stay close to you. If it comes, I will be ready.”

“Grateful as I am, my star, I am more than capable of protecting myself now.” You smoothed the haunches of his fur down. “Besides, it’s my turn to protect you, remember?”

He huffed. “Strong as you are, my lady, you are still the sovereign of this realm. Thus it is still my duty and my wish to protect you.”

You quietly bid the children farewell and rose from your place. “Come then, my dear protector, and together we will find the source of this darkness.”

The two of you walked the village first, agreeing that the safety of your people mattered above all. The homes and shops were complete now, all bustling with spirits as they lived their days happily. Many greeted you with bows and loving words, and many more greeted Sirius with scraps of food and hushed murmurs of respect. Seeing their love and their recognition of his importance not just to you but to your realm made you feel proud and happy. Hector rose from his work, mud caking his hands as he smiled at you. “Lady Munin!”

“Hector,” you greeted. “Why is it you always seem so much busier than everyone else?”

He shrugged. “It’s just my nature. Besides, my… project is kind of large, so it needs a lot of attention.”

Looking past him to the beautiful modern home nestled in a large open meadow, you nodded. “So it seems. Do you require any help?”

“No,” he shook his head and waved the suggestion off. “I enjoy the work. Besides, this is something I want to do myself.”

“Very well. If you require anything, please let me know,” you answered, looking at the two trees the home was nestled between for a short moment before continuing on your way.

It wasn’t until you reached the oldest part of the forest that you felt the thickness of the darkness overtake the air. You examined each tree carefully, searching for the familiar feeling of tampering magic poisoning your realm. The oldest trees hummed with power as you passed them, but one sang. You stopped, looking up at the tall tree limbs lined with veins of gold and puking red heart jewels hanging from them.

Sirius growled beside you. "I'd know that scent anywhere."

"Desire." Their name felt like lead on your tongue. "Surely they're not stupid enough to try anything after the last time."

"I know little of them, but I remember the sting of the blade they used to blind me." Sirius sniffles the air, and you watched as the look on his face shifted, pained. "They may be the cause of the disturbance."

"Then we shall greet them accordingly." The roots of their tree lifted for you, lined with golden flowers. "Come, Sirius. We have a debt to repay."

Desire's mind was all you'd expected. Self-obsessed, indulgent, and red. The walls that should have been earth were instead a glossy plastic red. You'd forgotten how much you hated the color. Soon you emerged in memory of an old family dinner, but Desire didn't seem to notice it was merely a memory. Something you intended to take full advantage of.

You strode up Destiny's garden stairs and met their golden eyes unflinchingly. Their wide smile, the one that usually made you want to hide away, only made you feel more confident. "Well, well, what a lovely surprise." They stood from their seat, not questioning how no one else acknowledged you. "A new face comes to join the family!"

"New face?" You questioned with a soft hum. "I suppose I do look somewhat different, but I've not forgotten you, Desire of The Endless."

"Disappointing," they purred, waving you off as they retook their seat, now sipping a glass of wine. "I suppose you're going to hold a grudge then, little mistake."

You smiled, walking toward the end of the table. "I was never very good at holding grudges. My companion, however…" Sirius leaped onto the stone table, snapping his teeth in their face. "He doesn't let go of things easily."

Desire never flinched as they looked at your beast with weary eyes. "Quite the entrance! You've clearly rehearsed! Sadly, I don't think you took into account exactly where this show of yours would take place."

Looking around the memory, you laughed. "On the contrary, I couldn't have planned this better myself."

"We are among my kin, dear. And besides, new face or not, your power is still nothing compared to mine."

"Perhaps, but I've quite the debt to repay. What is the old saying?" You asked, nails scraping against the stone of Destiny's table. "An eye for an eye."

Desire scoffed, setting their glass of wine down in front of your growling companion. "Oh, please. Don't make me hurt you, little mistake."

"Hurt me?" You asked with a laugh. "You'll find that far more difficult now."

Their golden eyes showed the fear they refused to confront as they leaned back in their seat. "Destiny would never allow you to spill blood in his realm."

You nodded. "That is true." Then, stepping closer, you smiled as white snakes began to slither around their arms. "It's a good thing we aren't in Destiny's realm then, isn't it?"

Finally, their mask fell. "What?"

You sat on top of the table in front of them, the mist of their memory slowly bleeding through. "Have you forgotten what my realm feels like already? Such a pity, for it has not forgotten you."

They opened their mouth to speak but were met with a swift shove with your foot, and their words shifted to screams as they fell through the mist and landed in a dark wooded glen surrounded by mist and gnarled trees and the glowing eyes of your companions. Desire watched the darkness spread along with the mist as the growling grew louder and more eyes appeared. Then, finally, they stood, gulping down their fear to call out to you, “Come now, mistake… you don’t want to do anything drastic, now do you?”

“Drastic?” your voice was everywhere while you were seemingly nowhere. “I believe this is all rather fair, given our history.”

"I am one of The Endless," Desire sneered as they stood, brushing off their gloss black outfit. "I will not be intimidated by you."

"Even The Endless are susceptible to my function. Memory. Remembrance. Inspiration. Distress. Discourage. Daunting. All are within my power." Your misty silhouette stood far in the distance, black wolves barking and snapping their teeth at your side, carrying darkness with them.

Desire watched you, their fear and denial filling the air almost as pungently as their sickening sweet peach scent. "You wouldn't dare harm me. It would risk angering my siblings after all."

A laugh, cold and entirely Daunt, echoed in the space between you. "The only one of your siblings that will care about what I do to you is that twin of yours. And she knows well enough to leave me alone. Something you never did learn."

"Munin…" Desire said, using your new name, as the black wolves began moving closer.

"Ah, now it's suddenly my name you choose to speak?" You inquired. "A kind gesture that will not help you now."

The black wolves circled them as they fearfully watched the shadows. "You'll regret this!"

One wolf larger onto their leg, another followed on their arm, then another after that until the memories of your companions held them against a twisted tree. You walked forward slowly. "I doubt that. Perhaps next time you'll not forget who and what I am so easily."

You looked into their eyes as you pressed your hand to their chest. With the simple touch, you passed the haunting memory, the ghostly sensation of the blade plunging deeper into your chest at their hands, into their mind. Desire bit back screams. "Now, every time you meet my gaze, you will feel the pain you caused me."

They fell away from the tree, your past companions fading with growls and howls. Desire chuckled. "I must say, I was expecting more."

White paws emerged in their downcast gaze. Sirius growled beside you, shaking and wrapping the mist. "They're all yours, my dear star. Just make sure they live."

"Yes, my lady." He said. You turned away, walking through the dark misty forest as the growls and desperate, pained cries of Desire echoed all around you. The last thing you heard before you released them from your realm was your companions' smug repetition of your words, "An eye for an eye."

The next time you returned to The Dreaming, you left Sirius to watch over the realm. Scratching beneath his chin, you bid him goodnight, silently admiring Desire's eye that now hung from a collar around his neck. "I'll return in the morning."

"The realm will be peaceful," he assured you. "I cannot say the same for the Dream realm."

"Oh, hush!" You playfully shoved him before you shifted into your bird form to join Matthew in the skies of The Dreaming.

The raven had become a fast friend, visiting your realm even without his master. You found it amusing how the lite bird yawned over Kat and how she also held an oddly intimate place for him. Flying had gotten easier, and once you'd truly mastered it, you enjoyed your time in the sky. Landing on the bridge, you smiled at Matthew. "Hello, how are things in The Dreaming?"

"Good," the bird replied. "The boss is just finishing up some last-minute project, and then he'll be here."

"It must be an important project if he's working this close to nightfall." You smiled. "Perhaps I'll get to see it once he's done."

Matthew cawed. "I'm sure you will. Is, uh, did Kat come with you?"

A knowing smile spread on your face. "No, but you are always welcome to go visit her. My realm will always be open to you, Matthew."

Bowling his head, the raven filled with glee. "Thank you, lady Munin."

You watched him vanish into the sky, stars simply beginning to show in the spots where the orange cast of the fading sun didn't touch. The restfulness of Dreams domain always made you melt. Anything that had brought you tension or worry faded from your mind as you gaze out into the sky and listened to the town of dreams and nightmares greet dreamers that had already begun to arrive. You could stay here for hours, perfectly content to just exist.

The soft hands of your lover slowly slid around your waist, pulling you into his dark form with a kiss to the back of your head. "I apologize for making you wait."

"Nonsense!" You turned, smiling up at him. "I cherish every moment in your realm, even ones spent waiting."

"A relief," Morpheus said. "I was just finishing a project."

"Matthew told me. Will I get to see this project?"

"Of course," he replied, kissing you. "It was done for you, after all."

Your head tilted. "For me?"

With a simple nod, Dream's eyes softened. "You said you felt like something was missing so I sought to end this feeling." With a shake of his head, his eyes locked onto something across the bridge behind you. "Lucienne was most displeased, but I think even she is coming around to the idea."

"What project of yours could displease Lucienne?" You wondered, searching his face for some hint.

“Hey, Daunty,” a familiar voice called out to you. “Long time no see.”

As you turned, pulling away from Morpheus, your heart filled with a deep ache and an even deeper pang of hope. You felt tears build in your eyes at the sight of the nightmare dressed in white. He looked just as you’d remembered, but everything about him felt new. He was new. Both the nightmare you once knew and not. Just as you were. “You’re different.”

The Corinthian chuckled as he lazily stalked toward you. “So are you.”

When he, at last, came to stand in front of you, a silence swept over the bridge. The dark glasses hid the rows of teeth that were his eyes from your view, and yet you could see everything playing within his mind so clearly. With a smile, you laughed. You couldn’t help but feel at ease with him back. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen this face.”

Lifting his hand to your cheek, The Corinthian smiled back. “Dream thought it was only fitting yours would be the first face I saw. He’s just as poetic in his irony as I remember.”

“Oh, my dear Corinthian,” you whispered, touching his cheek as he did yours for a short moment before you pulled him into a hug. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too, Daunty,” he replied, arms wrapping around you, surprisingly gentle for the nightmare.

Behind you, Dream kept still and silent, not wanting to ruin the reunion of two friends. The Corinthian held you for a long moment before he pulled away and frowned. "I-"

You shushed him with two fingers to his lips. "No apologies. That was our old life. Now we move forward in this one."

He nodded, the dark shades reflecting Dream's stoic face as he looked at his creator. Before, The Corinthian would have sent him a smug smile and an even more smug tip of his hat. Now The Nightmare did neither as he asked, "Why?"

The Corinthian didn't need to elaborate. With a thoughtful look, Dream settled his hands behind his back. "It came to my attention that something was missing with you gone. I merely sought to remedy that problem." Through The Corinthian's glasses, you saw the tender look Dream gave you when he thought you weren't looking. "Besides, you were right, in some odd… Misguided sense. I did need to change."

"Well," The Nightmare bit back a sneer. "I ain't gonna say thank you."

You could see Dream's lips quirk slightly. Whether it was in disapproval or in amusement, you couldn't tell. "I don't expect you to thank me."

"Then what is it you remade me for?"

"I simply ask you to fulfill your new function, Corinthian. Nothing more."

Dark shades slid back down to your face, and The Corinthian relaxed slightly. "Fine. It’s fair enough, all things considered.”

“Indeed.”

You turned and looked back at Dream with a soft smile, gently leaning into his solid form. “Thank you, Morpheus.”

The Dream Lord breathed in your scent as he pressed himself closer to you. “Your welcome, my love.”

“Great, this is a thing now?” The Corinthian whined, tugging on your arm. “Come on, Daunty, show me if anything changed while I was gone.”

Dream nodded you off, a soft smile tugging the corner of his lip up as he watched you and The Corinthian head off toward the village. The two of you walked every path of The Dreaming reliving every fond memory the place held for the two of you in your previous lives as outcasts. It felt right having him beside you again, even if the sting of the past lingered slightly in both of you.

You found yourselves resting in Fiddler’s Green, watching the sunrise. Your head was on his shoulder as you leaned into him. “I’m glad you’re back, Corinthian.”

“I’m glad to be back, Daunty.”

“It’s Munin now,” you reminded him once again.

The nightmare shrugged, looking down at you with a smirk. “You’ll always be Daunty to me.”

At first, Dream felt conflicted about allowing The Corinthian to resume his role in The Dreaming, but with much reassurance from Munin, he eventually leaned into trusting the remade nightmare. It took some time, months of complaints, and his subjects bringing concerns to him where the nightmare was concerned. He was grateful that his people were putting their trust in him. He only wished it was on a topic he could actually help them with.

The Corinthian was always a rebellious creature. He disregarded rules and consequences. It was nearly impossible to predict what the nightmare would do, but Daunt… Munin loved him. As much as he hated to admit it, his paramour was good with The Corinthian. She encouraged just the right amount of disobedience without risking his creation's function. The two of them were practically inseparable, spending every moment with one another, taking trips to her realm so the nightmare could bask in its glory. Dream was perhaps… jealous, but seeing her smile made all of it worthwhile.

They’d all settled in the library, Munin curiously flipping through books without fear and The Corinthian bordely standing by the door, trying not to seem interested, though it was obvious the nightmare enjoyed what Munin read to him. Lucienne kept her eyes trained on the nightmare, refusing to let go of what he’d done, no matter how sweetly Munin regarded him or how much trust Dream had given. Lucienne would remember, and she intended to make The Corinthian earn every ounce of her trust.

Munin had been reading for some time, and he found himself enraptured by her voice. It was better than any song or poem, more full of life and feeling and inspiration than he had ever heard. His starlight eyes were trained on her and her alone, admiring every inch of her as she finished her page before looking up at him. “What?”

“I should have you read everything to me from now on,” he said confidently. “The sound of your voice makes everything far more capturing.”

She smiled from behind her book, a light blush coloring her face. "Who knew the mighty Dream King would be so adept at flattery."

"Only when it comes to you, it would seem," Dream answered with a smile of his own. "I assure you Matthew finds me far less flattering."

The raven squawked loudly from beside him and ruffled his feathers. "Broody is the word I use. And dramatic… And maybe a tad irritated."

He sent the bird a look. "Anything more to add, Matthew?"

"Stubborn," Lucienne added.

"Soggy," Matthew chirped in.

"Self-important," the nightmare drawled from the doorway.

Munin giggled, erasing the exasperated sigh from his lungs entirely. He would endure a thousand years of his subjects' poor descriptions of him just to hear that sound. She gracefully rose from her chair, taking hold of her book. "Your people know you too well, Lord Morpheus."

"So it would seem," he huffed.

Matthew shrugged his tiny wings as Dream glared back at him when the loud thud of the heavy leather-bound book hitting the floor echoed around them. Munin gasped, her hand clutching her chest. He was on his feet in seconds, striding around the table toward her. "Munin!"

Lifting her head, her eyes met his, the gold within them swirling violently until it resembled roaring flames. Molten gold poured from her eyes as she laid a hand on the table, trying to steady herself. Long golden talons dug into the wood, leaving long marks etched into it as black began to consume her fingertips. "No," she whispered, consumed with a far-off look.

"Do something!" The nightmare hissed, a flash of white moving to stand beside him.

"Munin," he said again, reaching out toward her.

Anger and fear, and pain filled her face. "NO!"

In a wave of mist, she crudely shifted to her raven form, bleeding with gold and black as she forced her lithe body up and out the stained glass window. Dream moved quickly, following the path into the woods until The Forest greeted him. The sky was dark, filled with storm clouds humming with thunder and crackling lightning. The trees around him shrieked and groaned as their roots twisted. Mist consumed his vision as he followed his feet forward. "Munin!"

A trail of gold branched off into the trees, followed by a crater lining the ground with molting feathers. She'd crashed here…

"SIRIUS!" Her voice was all around him, desperate and afraid. "SIRIUS!"

Blood lined the path forward, and fear filled his lungs. "MUNIN!"

Breaking through the trees, he stumbled into the clearing where Munin knelt, crimson blood staining the wilting grass around her. Embers filled the air, sparkling with a cursed tinge of magic and sulfur. Munin wept, the broken sound of it lined with agony and unbridled rage as she cradled a clump of white fur in her hands. "Sirius…"

Dream stepped forward, and a surge of dark magic slammed into him as his foot stepped onto the scorched lines in the earth. A pentagram? He lifted his gaze back to the woman in the center of it. "Munin."The sobs stopped as she trembled, lifting her eyes to meet him. Black consumed them, a dark mirror filled with twisted and ancient memories he'd long forgotten. "They dare steal from me?" She hissed. "They dare scorch my forest and take from me that which is most dear?" She rose to her feet, darkness and mist engulfing her as screams and tormented voices filled the air. "I will lay waste to every Lord… Every demon that had any part in this!" Her hands curled around the white fur. "Hell will be empty when I am through."

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butididntpourthewhiskeys · 1 year

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I’m just scared to post it on here because people will send me so much hate for believing that stuff/ bringing it up on here…./ I mean we talk about stuff from gossip sites, we’ll just take it with a grain of salt but I’m so curious

okay I can share some things she said to me, after I cried her ears off for an hour about my own boyfriend lol. I was there for almost 2 hours! Please take all of this with a grain of salt and remember that none of this might be true / has to come true / have any meaning:

I didn't tell her that we spoke about a superstar (this woman is 82 years old) so I presented both their birth charts as "friends of mine" lmao and right away she was like "does your friend struggle with anxiety and panic attacks? because my hands are shaking and my stomach feels super upset, does she have stomach issues?" lmao accurate

she said Taylor has a lot of trauma and mistrust inside of herself and that has been an issue from the first day in the relationship. However, she learned a lot and got better in time. Still, she is the one that starts drama in the relationship (which was due to her insecurities)

she said she felt drawn to Joe because he was the first man who didn't react to her shenanigans. Like, she could go up the wall and he'd be like "okay babe, I'll take a shower and we'll talk later when you calm down" lol and that was like a first for her because before Joe she only dated people who didn't have enough confidence to stand that - so his quiet confidence and how he reacted towards her and challenged her was a big factor in their love

she said Joe really changed her in some aspects. Like, she has been wronged in the past but she also knows that she has wronged some people (didn't give any details) and that Joe taught her to apologise and admit her mistakes to others in a way she didn't do it before.

what gave me goosebumps is that she was like "did she break up or him? did she tell you it was her who ended the relationship?" I was like????? she goes "I almost feel like she wants people to know that she broke up, but it was him. She would've never broken up with this man" - mate I felt like puking 🤢

she said that Taylor holds a lot of grudges against people/things/being wronged in the past and for Joe this was the one thing where he felt like she didn't really grow up. Like, he doesn't care about these sort of ego things, but she does (which I get, I mean she's a legend) and so he didn't understand why she would always get so upset about things and people. It's almost like she's a very intense and temperamental person and he just wanted them to enjoy life and be happy (so it's like they struggled with an energetic imbalance together)

what almost made me cry is that she said "wow, this break up is killing her." and then she was like "she needs you to be there for her because this is the biggest wound of her life so far, this one goes deep." 🤮

then she also talked about Joe's communication issues and that because he never reacted to her emotions, he kind of triggered her insecurities of her thinking "he doesn't react to me because he doesn't love me"

she said Joe was clearly the one pushing for children and family and she felt like he made her choose because he wanted her to slow her career down - but not in like a toxic way. She was like "he just understands clearly that her job has such a big impact in her life right now, there's no space for him or children anywhere" and then she was like "what does your friend do for a living? I get really intense energies" LMAO I was like... yeah she's pretty successful in her job lol

she said that she feels like Taylor might want to make him jealous in the next weeks/months but that the door for him is sadly closed, because he's the type of person when if it's over, it's over.

what touched me is that she said that overall for Taylor's life, this is one of the most important lessons, because his purpose in her life was to teach her to let go of her grudges and understand that ego isn't that important. And she said she will realise this down the road and even though they won't be together she will reach out to him and say "hey, you were right back then, and it might took losing you for me to get it, but thank you for what you taught me" 🥹 so like, in the long run she thinks Taylor will be super grateful for him and see his role in her life

overall she said they had a great connection, but it couldn't work out in terms of family etc cause he was here to teach her this one important lesson + he needs to work on his communication

she thinks Taylor needs to focus on her career for the next few years because this will ultimately bring her to the place she actually belongs

what was interesting is that she was like "is there someone at work who she used to fancy a while back?" 😅 so apparently there's someone in her life she knows/works with and who she wishes could be different in a way (not sure how she meant it) but that the good news is that this person will become exactly what she always hoped for in a few years. Like, all the qualities she wants in a husband/partner/father. So apparently it's someone she works with. But it takes a few years until that person has actually evolved enough basically

Taylor has to take care of her health 🙃 she was like "she has stomach issues and needs to get it checked out"

She said Joe gives off dad energy and that's what she is looking for in future partners, like someone calm and caring

I can't remember anything else. I was there for almost 2 hours so.. don't mind me if I forgot something

#astrology #taylor and joe #take with a grain of salt

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maplefield · 4 months

Text

rambling about fujin and the white snake adeptus

ok so. i was watching videos of previous lantern rite playthroughs on yt (started playing at the end of january 2023 so i couldn't even take part in last year's) and looking back now after the 4.4 livestream, i thought maybe that 2022 mingxiao lantern was a nod to fujin, so i started digging and went down the rabbit hole basically and collected some things i found interesting.

NO LEAKS, everything written about here is mentioned in in-game items or is a part of chinese culture and legends, but some of it might be considered potential spoilers regarding chenyu vale

first, i wanna preface this by saying that i am no expert in chinese culture so please do correct me if i say something incorrect.

during the 2022 lantern rite they didn't mention which fallen liyue hero the lantern was for (or i missed it) but i found a really good post on hoyolab by Flora's cake.EN, talking about chinese customs and the celebration of the lunar new year. they say that the mingxiao lantern was based on the lantern with the fish pattern of the previous year's festival, and they also note that the lantern resembles carp and goldfish, how in chinese culture they symbolize wealth, fortune, and benefits, and express "people's yearning for prosperity, auspiciousness, and good fortune". this symbolism in chinese culture is very clearly transferred to the game too since we know from the stream that there is a well-known legend in chenyu vale about a carp adeptus named fujin and that "in local legends the golden carp is a symbol of good luck". they also talk about jademouth, a famous landmark left behind by an adeptus to protect the people from flooding, and mention the abodes of the white snake and the carp adeptus.

bai suzhen aka the white snake is the central figure of a chinese legend titled "the legend of the white snake". there are several versions and i'll be fully transparent, i haven't read them yet unfortunately. according to this article by Minjie Su, who researches medieval literature (and apparently had the same uni major as me lol) bai suzhen was originally an evil snake spirit, but later the story became a romance between her and a man, Xu Xuan. in one of the later versions, though she is still morally questionable (she "poisons the well to boost her husband’s pharmacy") she is devoted to Xu and sympathetic to humankind. Xu almost dies of shock when he sees her true snake form. (1) however, she "revives him and makes him believe the snake was but an illusion. Enraged, Fahai wages war against Madam White and holds Xu as hostage, Madam White commands water to rise from the lake to drown Fahai’s temple. She would have defeated the monk, if she did not feel sympathy towards the innocent townsfolk involved in her war. In the end, she surrenders to Fahai’s power and becomes imprisoned under the Pagoda, but not before her short reunion with Xu and the birth of their son. (...) she will never bee freed unless the palm tree before the Pagoda blossoms (...)" she is eventually freed by her son, though this action is not intentional, merely a coincidence. (2)

while searching, i also found this post by baoboatree on reddit, who did some huge work and re-translated the descriptions of the echoes of an offering artifact set. three things to note before i continue: 1) this part might contain POSSIBLE SPOILERS regarding the story of the new chenyu vale region, so proceed with caution 2) my chinese is not good enough to be able to compare the translation to the original and verify the information presented here (i am NOT saying it is incorrect and i'm certainly NOT trying to criticize baoboatree, just thought i should mention this) and 3) the post is relatively old, so some information might have been updated/re-written in-game and become outdated here. for these reasons, it's best to take it all with a grain of salt.

according to baoboatree's interpretation, the story "involves two adeptus - a "medicine adeptus" and a "carp adeptus". The two are bickering lovers/friends and lived near Chenyu valley. Until one day, the carp adeptus was sacrificed in an ancient ritual and loses her human form. She can no longer walk on land, but longed to see Liyue harbor. The medicine adeptus took her on a trip to Liyue harbor by taking her along in a Serenitea pot . (...) The fish adeptus is implied in at least four of the five pieces to have sacrificed herself again, becoming the sunken jade of Chenyu Vale. In at least one but maybe two legends, the medicine adeptus is implied to have become a tea tree that only grows in Chenyu Vale." they say the medicine adeptus may or may not be madame ping, which personally, i believe it's more likely they have something to do with the white snake adeptus (or is even the white snake adeptus themselves), whose husband was a pharmacist in the legend, and who stole medicine for him in another version of that legend.

i encourage everyone to read the whole reddit post, i found it fascinating and baoboatree really worked hard on it. i don't want to go into too much detail here bc this post is already way too long. when the medicine adeptus brings the carp adeptus to liyue harbor in the teapot, baoboatree also states that, in contrast to the official english translation, the teapot was not a gift from "a friend" but "friends", plural. now, this was actually something i could check, and it is absolutely correct. they theoretize that these friends might include madame ping, the role of the medicine adeptus and carp adeptus being clear. they also note in a comment that the fish lantern during lantern rite might have been representing the fish adeptus. looking back now, i would be surprised if it wasn't. hoyo has shown to pay attention to things like this.

as for why it were two fish, one might have been referencing this medicine adeptus, or one could have simply been put there to make it look more balanced, or to emphasize the wish for good fortune, or maybe there will be more to this that we'll uncover. either way, i'm interested in seeing how the story about this carp adeptus will unfold. if they try to stay close to the legend, it might have been the white snake adeptus that caused the flood which made the carp adeptus sacrifice herself. as for whether this white snake adeptus is the same as the medicine adeptus, honestly i think it could go either way. i could argue both for them being the same character and them not being the same. as of right now, i'm more inclined to think that they are different beings. (edit bc 1) i deleted my reasoning bc looking back it was just ehh and 2) bc i realized that i forgot to add this originally: obviously all of this is just wild speculation, and it could very well be that the story that we get, assuming we learn of these events, will be entirely different. the whole turning into a tree legend from the artifact set could also really just be an in-game myth, though i don't think that very likely, but who knows. either way, nothing even remotely certain can be concluded from the information i presently have.) of course i could very well be wrong, and hoyo will probably do their own take on this legend. after all, they have taken a looot of inspiration from nordic mythology as well (i might do some posts about that too, i was a scandinavian studies major so it's always interesting for me to see how nordic mythology is implemented in games/films etc).

anyway, if anyone read this whole thing, i hope you found it interesting. sorry that it was not very concise, i haven't slept in weeks so my brain is barely working lol. i'm really excited for chenyu vale and lantern rite and can't wait to see what this update brings!

(1) the author points out the storyline also has similarities to that of the french legend of mélusine but i don't have enough brain capacity to go into this as well.

(2) the wikipedia page states that Xu actually dies, and "Bai Suzhen went to Heaven to steal the immortal herb Lingzhi. She succeeded in her mission and used the herb to revive Xu Xian. (...) Bai Suzhen and Xiaoqing fought against Fahai and flooded the temple with water, hurting other living creatures.", however, i can't find this information in the relevant source.

Sources

Genshin Impact Version 4.4. Special Program https://youtu.be/abZdO3rWoVc?si=wA1QDAYqeCqh3yUA

Flora's cake.EN on Hoyolab

https://www.hoyolab.com/article/14973902 (accessed 20/01/24)

Minjie Su: The Legend of the White Snake: A Chinese Mélusine Story

https://www.medievalists.net/2017/11/legend-white-snake-chinese-melusine-story/ (accessed 20/01/24)

Bai Suzhen on Wikipedia

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bai_Suzhen (accessed 20/01/24)

baoboatree: Echoes of an Offering artifact lore re-translation and interpretation

https://www.reddit.com/r/Genshin_Lore/comments/tta8wo/echoes_of_an_offering_artifact_lore_retranslation/ (accessed 20/21/24)

#genshin impact #my post #chenyu vale #im also curious to see if any of the voicelines from the 4.4 trailer is referencing this story #mainly thinking of “you chose a path without a future” and “spare my innocent child i alone am the source of this sin”#they definitely wont be in the world quests bc those arent voiced but they still might be connected #although even i feel like this is too much of a stretch probably

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taleofturtleclan · 1 year

Text

MOON 4

Current squinted down into the tidepool, deeper than usual from the rain last night. Something down there shifted, rippling the surface of the water, and he leapt back, fur standing on end. “Sand, I saw something move!”

Current’s mentor looked up reluctantly from the section of the pool he had been inspecting. “Well, we are looking for trapped fish.”

“That thing is not a fish,” Current hissed, shuddering. The way it writhed… it was uncanny, to say the least. Sand peered over Current’s shoulder, eyes narrowing before lighting up with recognition.

“Ah, that,” he meowed lightly. “That’s an octopus.”

“A what?”

“An octopus,” Sand repeated, “And a large one at that.”

“I heard you the first time,” Current muttered, trying not to sound too embarrassed over his lack of knowledge. “I mean, what is an 'octopus'? It’s not like any fish or bird I've ever seen.”

Sand cocked his head to one side, looking thoughtful, “you know, I don’t really have a good answer to give you,” Sand admitted. “I guess kind of its own thing.”

Just then, the creature raised a glistening red tentacle from the water. Current took a nervous step back. The thing was eerie.

"It's good that you're cautious of them," Sand meowed. "Tidechaser says they can give a nasty bite."

"Tidechaser has fought them?" Current mewed unsteadily. He couldn't imagine contending with all those awful tentacles.

"Not fought," Sand corrected, “hunted. He says they’re not bad prey if you can get them on land.”

Current was speechless. What cat in their right mind would want to eat one of those things? He’d always thought Tidechaser was mysterious, but maybe he was just flat out weird. Sand, taking Current’s silence for an invitation to continue the discussion, added, “I don’t think I could eat one myself, though. Pearl told me a story about them one late night on the ship.”

Current barely remembered Pearl. Though he hadn’t been all that young in his mind when the ship wrecked, as moon after moon passed living on the beach, he found his memories from before growing more distant. By now, he had lived here almost as long as not.

“Pearl said that once, a ship’s cat named Octavian had grown tired of his life at sea and abandoned his boat before training a successor.” Sand settled into a sitting position for a long story, his tail wrapping neatly over his white paws. Current twitched an ear to show he was listening to his mentor’s tale. He didn’t really understand it himself, but Dustjump had explained to him once that ship’s cats had a simple but strict code of honor that they all followed, the old cats teaching it to the younger ones at port: never abandon the ship you keep due to hardship, care for any cat aboard the ship like your own littermate, and do not retire until you find or train a younger cat to take your post.

“Because of Octavian’s selfish actions, the ship he had kept met ruin on its next voyage when the rats got at the grain. Octavian knew what he had done, what the other ship’s cats would think of him, and so he ran, far from shore, far from water, to a place where he could not smell salt on the breeze. When he thought he had run far enough, he slipped inside a crack in a broken rock and waited. That night, the spirits of dead ship’s cats emerged from the tides to track him down for his transgression. They found him easily, but when they tried to drag him back to the sea, he slipped out of their paws, for Octavian was as sly as he was selfish. Suspecting that the ancient ship’s cats would come looking for him, had coated himself in fish oils. Eight times the spirits tracked him, and eight times he slid away from them, until the ninth time, when the fish oil had worn off his fur enough for the spirits to hold him. They dragged him back to the ocean, and on the shore they sentanced him, all the cats speaking as one: 'Because you fled the sea for the earth, we claim the air in your lungs and bind you to the ocean forever more.' In a single heartbeat, Octavian found he could no longer breathe the salty air. 'Because you used your legs to run from us eight times, we take your paws and turn your four legs to eight.' Octavian's paws shriveled away and fell off, and each leg split into two. 'Because you used a fish's oil to escape our grasp, we take your fur and coat you in the slime you stole' Octavian's fur fell out, and his transformation into a monster was complete. And yet, harsh as the spirits were, they respected the cunning mind that had evaded them for so long. Finally, they said 'In acknowledgement of your plan to flee us, we allow you to keep your mind so that you may use it to find a way to survive beneath the waves.' The spirits then dragged him down into the depths of the ocean where he would dwell forevermore, and so the first octopus was born.” Sand finished his story with a flourish of his tail directed at the disgusting creature.

Current blinked incredulously at the writhing mass of tentacles. Did Sand actually believe this stuff? Dead cats emerging from the tides to punish evildoers, cats being turned into eight legged monsters, it was all nonsense! Still, he wouldn’t be eating any octopus even if Tidechaser happened to bring one back to camp. Not that he would have wanted to anyways, of course.

#warrior cats #warrior cats oc #warriors #warriorcats #TurtleClan #Moon 4 #Sandtail #Currentpaw #clangen #clan gen #clan generator

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hologramcowboy · 1 year

Note

Interesting tidbits from my deep dive:

• rumors about Danneel being banned from SPN set dating as far back as 2008

• Neil Patrick Harris hated Danneel, apparently she was a huge bitch behind the scenes on both How I Met Your Mother (she was in one episode, s4e5, which aired in 2008) and the Harold and Kumar movies (she played Kumar’s girlfriend and had a small role in all three movies)

• Danneel bullying extras and other cast members (only girls of course) on the set of OTH. These rumors date all the way back to her very first appearance (season 3) in 2005, so pre Jensen meaning her stans can’t really attribute the rumors to jealousy

• Rumors about Danneel hating Gen // being jealous of her dating all the way back to 2009. Not shocking given that neither of them attended each others wedding and didn’t really start interacting until J+D moved to Austin, but I was a little surprised because for a few years (2015/16 until the end of SPN) it seemed like people were dead set on the narrative that they were friends

• Finally found those lesbian rumors! Dating back to 2008, people were convinced that she was dating Elizabeth Harnois because she brought EH with her everywhere (notably to the My Bloody Valentine Premiere and on a trip to Australia with Jensen) and EH has been a rumored lesbian for a very long time. Found a taptalk board about closeted lesbian actresses from 2013 and EH was a very big topic (and beloved by lesbians apparently). I wasn’t even aware that EH was famous enough to garner that kind of attention

And weirdly enough, the most interesting tidbits didn’t involve Danneel at all. The first is pretty relevant given how often Jensen has been speaking about all the opportunities he missed due to SPN, and the answer is apparently not that many. He wanted to break into the movie scene and film during SPN’s break from filming, but was unsuccessful and not happy about it. Would try out for things/have his name thrown out there, and wasn’t getting anything back which caused a rift between him and his agent. Jared on the other hand apparently had a decent amount of offers, specifically for action movies. Notable roles were lead role in Conan the Barbarian (2011) and Poseidon in The Immortals (2011). Inclined to believe this rumor based on a few factors. The rumor about off season work for J2 was posted back in 2009, and the poster claimed to work for the CW. All of their other posts (mostly about Gossip Girl and Dawn Ostroff who was the president of the CW at the time) have proven to be true, so I don’t think they would randomly lie about this one thing. Then you have Jared himself, who really bulked up in seasons 4-6 of SPN and had the perfect action hero physique. Why put in all that work unless you’re prepping for potential roles?

The second rumor is something that I had never heard before, and it’s about Jensen. It’s something that I think a lot of people don’t want to hear/are going to push back against, so I want to do a bit more research before bringing it back out of obscurity. The Ackles really do love to bury things…

A little disclaimer, all of this is obviously gossip and with all gossip we have to take things with a grain of salt. And for those that are curious, I found all of this information on old livejournal boards, datalounge threads, now defunct fan forums and blogs. Obviously these places aren’t great sources and won’t be passing any academic scrutiny, but gossip isn’t the most regulated field. I had to sift through a lot of J2 timhatting and obvious fanfiction, but there were some gems. My process for whether or not something was legitimate enough to include was how often it’s been mentioned throughout the years, what point in the timeline it was introduced, if someone was claiming to have insider have their claims been proven true in the years leading up to now, if any proof was attached, how biased the post was (if it was clearly a Jensen/Jared stan trying to discredit or take down the other I wrote it off), and my own discerning eye for potential truths (I’ve worked in archives, have a degree in history, am currently working on my masters and have been honing my gossip researching/lie detecting skills since I read my first tabloid as a preteen).

Her set track record matches her lack of credits currently. People don't want to work with arrogant actors. My guess is she burned a lot of bridges by acting like a b and also by acting badly, let's face it she has no talent and no technique so her career only went as far as her fake boobs took her.

Really curious about the Jensen part now, if you feel like sharing please know I can keep the secret.

Thank you for sharing all of that, I loved reading it and I love how you wisely added a disclaimer to it as well.

#anti danneel #jensen speculation

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black-klok-youth-pastor · 11 months

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Charles and MMA Theory

Okay, I came up with this theory a while ago (and has been sitting in my drafts collecting dust for months until this point) but haven’t really shared it in that many places. Bare in mind this is also a sort of weird fan theory of a fan theory, that being the popular Dadlacia theory (the one where Salacia is Charles’s biological father in case you don’t know) so feel free to take this with a massive grain of salt, as we gather around the Pepe Silvia board to ask this one question that just clicked one day. That being:

What if Charles Offdensen and the Metal Masked Assassin were half brothers?

Now admittedly both characters are wrapped in mystery, so of course there’s gonna be a lot of fan speculation on both of them, albeit the main smoking gun is that we at least learn MMA’s backstory in Doomstar Requiem (in song form):

“Born and left alone Never knew his mother Who was killed during birth but left him a brother”

This verse seems to suggest that MMA and 216’s father wasn’t in the picture, either by neglect or being absent altogether, essentially leaving 216 to raise MMA by himself (which is particularly messed up since they seem to be a bit close in age). Sure in complete fairness in a sung-through musical like this we don’t have time for every single detail, but the specific word choice intrigues me.

And if you know the basic Dadlacia theory y’know where I’m going with this, mainly the infamous scene in the cold open of Fatherklok where Charles is suspiciously wistful about how it feels to lose the strength of a father’s touch and that his father had strong hands. Now am I saying all fatherless characters in the series are Salacia’s children? Not really. Like for example, I’m kind of skeptical of the fan theory that Salacia is Skwisgaar’s father, if not the real dad of everyone in Dethklok. The Skwisgaar one I can kind of buy even if I have some theories that I think are better but the latter I’m not as fond of since it kind of ruins the point of the found family aspect (honestly the only variant of this theory I can see is the ones involving Salacia only being their father in a past life, like the sort of Kronos figure in the pantheon but we’d be here all day if we dwelled into that).

What I’m getting at is that part of it kind of goes into the “but why?” aspect since by all accounts. After all, Salacia is immortal as far as we can tell so on paper he wouldn’t exactly feel the need to sire children. Short version as I go to my now outdated headcanons post, my sort of theory to that is that he has a plan not unlike Ego from Guardians of the Galaxy vol. 2 that involves fathering as many children as possible that through trial and error would grant him offspring powerful enough to serve his machinations. Human beings to him are pawns after all, why would his own offspring be different?

Although I freely admit a good chunk of my theorizing has been on the thematic level. The lore of Metalocalypse has taken a lot of influence from various mythology and religions, and what better way to tie into the themes of brotherhood throughout the series than good old sibling rivalry which can be found everywhere from Set and Osiris to Kalervo and Untamo to (of course) Cain and Abel, particularly how one brother more or less (except not really) kills the other.

Although funnily enough, Charles is simultaneously Abel and Seth in this metaphor considering how they didn't even meet each other until after 216's death.

#Metalocalypse spoilers #CW: blood/gore #metalocalypse #dethklok #fan theories #metalocalypse army of the doomstar #army of the doomstar #charles offdensen #charles foster offdensen #metal masked assassin #mr. salacia #salacia #...actually wait...IS THAT WHY SETH (as in Pickles' brother) IS NAMED THE WAY HE IS?!!

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golbrocklovely · 5 months

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when we’re talking about the 2016 rn (refering to anon) i wonder why he didnt have serious relationship since 2016? was that relationship SO serious to him that he didnt want to be with someone else or anything? Its actually kinda sad to see this tbh, because that means it really hurt him somehow.

Also im so sorry his grandpa died, i can imagine, my grandma almost died because of sickness and i cant imagine lost her absolutely. hope that man will be okay soon, hope he knows people are here for him💜.

(this is a bit of an older ask, from a couple days ago)

sorry for the delayed response :)

with colby's past serious relationship, it's hard to tell what happened or how things played out bc he mostly keeps that info to himself; which is totally understandable. he's let slip some things, like how he was very needy and depended on her a lot and how he wanted to be with her all the time and overall - he was just too much.

the worse thing he's ever said about her is that she was a bit flaky, and in reality he only implied it. he's mostly blamed himself for things falling apart or that it was just draining to be that in love with someone.

this is all my assumption, so take what i say with a grain of salt. i'm just basing my opinion off of things he's said and also a lot of old tweets from back in the day (some of which have been outright deleted but i saved lol): i think he fell madly in love with this girl, and just depended on her too much. i think he came across as needy and clingy, and she pulled back. she didn't love him as much as he loved her, and then eventually things ended. and he spent the next year just being heartbroken and trying to move on. then by 2018, he tried dating again (and by that i mean putting himself out there, not really having any serious relationships), and it went south once again. and he became bitter to love and dating and everything else. which is why he said the infamous quote of "all the girls in la suck". and i think only recently has he "tried" to dip his toes back into actual dating, and not just hooking up. but even then, he's not really trying.

i think his past relationship really hurt him. bc, while i don't think he wanted to marry this girl, i think that's how much love he had for her. hence why he said in his deep q&a "i only want to fall in love that deeply again with someone like my wife". i don't think he wanted to marry her, but i think he saw a future with her when she didn't feel the same way. and when they broke up, her reasonings tied with his past self esteem issues, it all just became a lot for him to process. i mean, he only recently just started to like being by himself and alone alone (ie solo vacations). respectfully, he has a lot of dependence issues. i don't know if that's bc he doesn't feel like he's enough, or if it's something else entirely. but it's clear that he's been hurt a lot in his life, and it effects the way he goes into relationships.

and i'm in the same boat as him lol

i hope in the near future he allows himself to open up to ppl. i know it's hard, but holding that area of his life back and blaming it on work or whatever other issue is never gonna fix what happened. you also can't allow your heart to grow dark. i think he has a lot of love to give, and he shouldn't hide that in fear of getting hurt.

as for his grandfather, he seems to be a bit better now (according to what he posted yesterday), so that's good. obviously the initial shock is a lot. so i hope he eventually goes home to see family and is around them for love and support.

and i pray that next year is nicer to him.

#ask #personal #cb ll

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brothersgrim · 6 months

Text

@perditos || from [x] (it won't let me cut the post lmao)

She’s okay. She’s here. She's alive. It’s a mantra that keeps repeating in his head, over and over and over. She’s okay. She’s here. She’s alive. It’s all that’s really keeping him together right now, and even that is a generous phrasing. There’s a mechanical quality to the way he moves around the kitchen. Stiff, careful. No sudden movements. If you asked, he’d say he was doing it for her. He didn’t want to startle her. He had to be sure he didn’t pluck at any still-tight nerves. And maybe, just maybe, that was a part of it. But maybe, just maybe, he was doing it for him, too. Force of habit.

It’s a sandwich that he finds himself making. Rye bread, spread with butter, slices of turkey breast and roast beef, pickles, mustard, mayo, tomatoes, salt, pepper, swiss cheese. A few grains of salt get on the counter and they stand out to him like a beacon. Grating. Glaring. Gnawing. He dusts them into the sink and pretends that’s good enough. That nobody would notice.

The knife bites into the bread, meat, vegetables, cheese, easily. Slices through so smoothly. So smoothly. As smoothly as if it were– He blinks, grits his teeth. No. Don’t think about that. It’s over. It’s all over. (Everything is over. Paul is dead. It’s only just started to sink in recently, and it still makes his head spin when he thinks about it.)

“It’s fine.” He says, tossing the knife into the sink. It clatters a bit too loud, a bit too metallic. He tenses his jaw and turns away. Just ignore it. Focus on her. “You had business to take care of. We all did.” … It’s a way to put it, at least.

Business. It’s an easier term to digest. And yes, in a way, there had been business for him to attend to. Things he had to catch up on. Paperwork, orders, meetings, the Yard… It had kept him busy. Kept him distracted. Maybe it wasn’t the best strategy, sure, but it had worked for him well enough so far. Shove it down, bottle it up, carry on. Life didn’t slow down just because you were hurting. Life didn’t give you a break just because you were tired. Suck it up. Press it down.

She asks her question - the one he knew was coming - and stops.

Sighs.

“He’s-” Almost says ‘he’s fine’. The lie he’s used time and time again for the both of them. People pry into their business too much. People try to exploit any trace of weakness or vulnerability they could find. And while Xion had never done that - would never do that - old habits died harder than he did. But she deserves to know the truth if any of them want to move past this. So he sighs, brow furrowed and lips pressed into a line.

“He’s still not talking.” He says, setting the plate down in front of her. “I don’t think he will be for a while.” The floorboards creak under his weight as he moves towards the fridge. He needs a drink. He’d offer her one - she probably needs it, too - but she’s far too young. Too young to drink, and too young to have been through all she had. The world didn’t care about her age. He did. He and Kane, they hadn’t gotten a childhood, really - once, they’d had one, but Kane didn’t remember it anymore, and Taker– Well. It was complicated. Xion was in the opposite scenario. She’d had a rough start, to put it beyond mildly, but had a chance to be a kid now.

A chance he had taken from her.

“But he’ll come around, if you give him time.”

#&& rest in peace; deadman ic #&& fear the reaper; deadman threads #perditos #&& three become one; trinity taker

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uneducated-author · 11 months

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I know I said I wouldn't talk about it, but since you're wondering, yes the god-like character Dazai came into contact with but didn't nullify is Sigma. The theory I alluded to was that Sigma wasn't just created from the book, but is The Book itself in human form.

[https://www.tumblr.com/vampireonastick/694131792916152320/what-if-sigma-is-the-book?source=share] (The theory is almost a year old but nothing as of yet confirms or denies it)

It does have backing like Sigma being written directly into The Book rather than from a page and that the Decay couldn't have been the ones who created him because him going years being trafficked would have made little sense— especially when they could have written him as perfectly obedient to the ideology of the Decay and wrote him where they could easily locate him.

[https://www.tumblr.com/dazaistabletop/683826086154567680/guildsarchitect-ok-heres-the-sigma-post?source=share]

So if we take this theory and the fact that Dazai danced with Sigma and very much made contact with him but Sigma didn't go poof, we can say that The Book isn't an ability of someone because if it was, touching a creation of that ability would've caused it to cease to be (Like Q's doll). Also, by virtue of it still having anomalous powers of writing and rewriting reality, it's not normal. The Book is said to have every possible outcome that could ever happen that branches off in its own universe (If I remember correctly this is said in BEAST? I have not read nor have interest in reading BEAST so take that with a grain of salt) and something like that is obviously god-like just by existing.

There is also the theory that Dazai's dance with Sigma had an ulterior motive for which I will quote one of the two reasons why:

“2. Dazai wanted to touch Sigma because he wanted to use his nullification ability on him. Knowing Sigma is a product of The Book, seeing if Dazai’s ability has any effect on him could be beneficial to Dazai, especially if he is thinking of using The Book himself in the future.”

As far as I'm aware, the BEAST universe exists because Dazai got his hands on The Book and if Sigma is The Book, well... it's no wonder Dazai of all people got his hands on it if it's that close by. [https://www.tumblr.com/vampireonastick/694165005381287936/im-wondering-if-dazai-had-ulterior-motives-when?source=share]

For my last two points, I want to reiterate about Atsushi being the key to finding The Book as what this whole thing was about since the very beginning. In the Skyfall chapters, when Sigma is about to plummet to what would have been his death, Atsushi grabs him and tries to save him. Not just because they need the page and Sigma is the only one of the Decay they have access to that can give them that information, but because Atsushi empathized with Sigma about how the latter didn't know what his purpose in life was and Atsushi didn't want him to die like that. Sigma freely gave that information to Atsushi rather than take it to the grave (or really just never give it to him since Nikolai saved him) because he was touched by Atsushi's kindness.

When it was said that Atsushi was the key to obtaining The Book— if Sigma is The Book— then at that moment right there we see why. Not only that but, Sigma is similar enough personality wise that Dazai himself literally remarks that Sigma is similar to Atsushi.

So yeah, Sigma might be The Book but it hasn't been confirmed or denied yet but if he is, then he's a god-like being rather than simply an ability user created from The Book with this supported by Dazai's ability not making him go poof and the only other straight up God that Dazai came into direct contact with is Lovecraft because Atsushi's ability, whether a God or not, is still an ability and not immune.

Very interesting! Definitely makes the rampant Atsushi Sigma parallels and comparisons make a lot more sense. I thought Dazai dancing with Sigma was more a manipulation tactic to bring him over to the side of the ADA, but checking if he would discorporate is way more interesting (and low-key horrifying). I love the potential of Sigma joining the ADA as a manifestation of a literal reality altering artefact, and being the LEAST weird person there.

I had assumed then, like how Dazai doesn't disappear the dolls from Q's ability, just their power, he would merely strip Sigma's ability, but now I'm interested in how Dazai would interact with the Sky Casino. He seems (or maybe pretends) to be surprised at the revelation that Sigma and the Casino are written from the book 'can you even call that human?' and I wonder if a secondary part of him motivation for being is Meursalt is because at the time he was unsure on how the Casino would interact with him. It's also interesting that the book has had no real affect on him like it has with the detective agency. They have been posited in the position of killers, made to be suspected criminals with the mind manipulation of law enforcement, but Dazai, partially because he removed himself from the equation, has not yet taken any action under the control of the book.

I love the point you raised about Atsushi being the one to find the book, and how the 'Sigma is the book theory' opens up so many interesting plot points, as well as means that there are such different interpretations of other scenes.

Sigma's repeated self reference to himself as 'an ordinary person' then takes on a whole new light, especially if he's unaware of his... Not quite heritage, but reality. It would also make his working under the decay of angels an incredibly interesting sort of plot point.

Oh and thanks for the link to the fifteen translation. My exams just finished a few days ago, so I should have time to read it! I fear I shall become infuriatingly annoying to my friends as I overanalyse every written word 😅

#bungou stray dogs #bsd dazai #bsd atsushi #bsd sigma #thank you so much for all the fascinating theories you're explaining genuinely #you're completely incredible

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navree · 2 years

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This might be a jump that I’m only doing in my head, but so often a young girl not looking her age or not ‘acting’ her age is seen as enough of a reason to not treat them as their age. Like when pple say ‘ girls mature faster’ so some 20 year old guy can be ‘dating’ a 16 year old if she is posing on insta looking like a model in her 20s. Or like how a 13 year old black boy will get treated and seen as an adult while a white 13 yro still thought of as a kid.

So I just dunno if saying the show got it wrong from day one cause ‘if Elizabeth looked super young everyone would have understood it’s abuse’ is right. I don’t think Alicia looks her age, and I definitely get a young vibe from her performance. And the show states repeatedly her age and that she’s ‘a child’, if people still see it as a romance just cause they’re not automatically getting the ick watching it, I don’t think that’s really fair.

I get your point that with a younger actress the material would have been tamer, but the show obviously decided it was going to go there with the abuse which is why they didn’t cast someone super young, I don’t think that’s a fault of casting or Alicia, but a decision by the creators. But tbh even if the scenes had been much milder, I wouldn’t have liked to see the ’ ep 2 ‘rooster’ antics if Tom Cullen in his mid 30s was ripping the bed sheets off an 18 year old actress, never mind a younger one. I wouldn’t have been more tuned into Elizabeth’s age and abuse cause I’d be far too preoccupied seeing the actors behind the characters.

So I want to make it very clear since I guess that was opened to being misconstrued, I do not blame Alicia for taking the role and doing her job. It is not Alicia's job to manage the material, ask for rewrites, or do anything other than what she is paid to do, which she is doing. At no point am I blaming Alicia for choices made by the creators and nothing negative I say about the creative decision of the show is meant to be a negative about Alicia. Good? Clear? Great.

As I've said in my post, I haven't watched this show beyond clips. The information I'm getting is information from reviews and history/period drama reviewers I know across social media platforms that I've been engaging with on the subject (and also my mother who is watching the show, is as into the Tudors as I am, and is offering me her takes as she goes along). Take what I say with a grain of salt because I am currently not the audience watching the show (and probably won't be until the first season is finished).

But, all that being said: which is it? Is the show saying that Elizabeth's abuse is being excused by her abuser as her being "mature for her age", the way you mentioned, or is it repeatedly trying to let the audience know that she's "a child", the way you mentioned? And more importantly, my issue isn't about the show "going there" wrt to the abuse and my being upset it's not tame, my issue is that what the show is "going" towards is portraying a man in his forties fucking a fourteen year old in real time, that they're getting away with because they cast actors who have a more similar age gap to Elizabeth and Edward VI than Elizabeth and Thomas Seymour. My issue is that they are using Alicia being a grown woman, and thus not under the purview of things like child pornography laws, to make this as sexy and eroticized and graphic in the worst ways.

Like I said in my OG post, the problem is that the show's apparent mishandling of this abuse (particularly egregious, given how Anya Reiss was really hyping up that they were meant to be handling this sensitively and the end result is........This), combined with Alicia very much looking like an adult woman and not a girl who is meant to be starting this show who's been thirteen for less than half a year, offers ambiguity and thus cover for Seymour for people who aren't well versed in the history and are tuning into this show because they know who Elizabeth is and maybe saw Young Bess back in the day and were curious. They are presenting a scenario where, instead, of seeing someone barely into her teens being abused by a man practically the same age her own mother would have been, they're seeing two adults engaging in a tantalizing push and pull thanks not only to the apparent writing choices, but the choice to have Elizabeth be played by an adult.

On the subject of "I wouldn’t have liked to see the ’ ep 2 ‘rooster’ antics if Tom Cullen in his mid 30s was ripping the bed sheets off an 18 year old actress, never mind a younger one.", yeah, that's kind of my point. No one should be liking anything that's going on, nothing portrayed should be Open To Interpretation, considering how determined they were to hammer into everyone's head in pre-release material that they understood that the Seymour situation was abuse and they were going to sensitively handle it as such. Appropriate casting would have actually helped add to the story they were telling (assuming that's the story they wanted to to tell) by producing visceral shock and disgust and horror in the audience at Elizabeth's treatment at the hands of an adult man. Having it be two adults with the same age gap as my parents cheapens that.

Sorry to talk about GOT again cuz that's a shitshow if I ever saw one but the season 2 throne room scene with Sansa is legit awful to watch, meant to be awful to watch, and emphasizing the point of the scene, that Joffrey is awful and Sansa is in real danger and everyone is too scared of him to intervene save one of our core protagonists Tyrion, enhanced by the fact that Sophie was similar in age to her character (and it was still toned down from its source material due to the actress's age). And there's also things like cuts, filming tricks, editing, the use of body doubles in case things start running the risk, and obviously having appropriate counseling and anything else necessary available to the actress, so that they can avoid breaking the law and avoid causing undo harm to this hypothetical actress while still showcasing the abuse as abuse while having to deal with the fact that they don't get to add in ahistorical graphic sex scenes.

If you think I'm being unfair to Alicia, my apologies, none of these issues are with her and as I said, I think she's a good actress. If you think I'm being unfair to Anya, the rest of the writers, and their casting department (since casting is ultimately up to the creatives), then you are well within your rights to do so. But I am also well within my rights to feel that the casting choices made, compounded by the writing choices made, doesn't sit right with me, causes problems, and ultimately cheapens the tale they've told us they're telling, but failing to actually deliver on because of these factors.

#personal #answered #anonymous #becoming elizabeth #i genuinely do apologize if this is coming off as overly hostile #i'm honestly not trying to be rude i'm just covid addled and thus sleep deprived to all hell #and that tends to dull my abilities to not be super blunt #and also that means this answer is a bit all over the place #ultimately feel the way you want. enjoy it or don't. agree with it or don't.#mine is one opinion in a long list of them and if you're liking the show and what it's doing: great! happy for you!#but that doesn't mean i have to or that i'm somehow not 'getting' something with a critique #that i've had for a while and that i've seen become a problem in hollywood and that other people agree with me on

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sincelastsession · 2 days

Text

Vent post. Take with grain of salt.

My articulation is not how I wanted it to come out and so idfk if it'll read right. Just understand I'm not trying to act like a bitch. I'm processing.

I was gonna get food but now I feel like I can't fucking eat. I feel once again completely misunderstood and it's really frustrating.

I feel like assumptions etc are constantly made. I'm not even known yet. Have the charts for all the work I have done been found?

Am I just bad at being a person.

Sure I'd love to have a magical fix it medication but I'm on xanax (nessesary not only for psych but for other issues) and I smoke weed for pain and ptsd. It's highly unlikely I'll ever get Adderall to function unless I stop the weed. The weed is primarily for servere chronic pain. I used to get punished for CRYING so I'm not really ever showing how much I hurt.

I understand a conversation is turn taking. I am worried about time. I'm worried about being misunderstood. I feel rejected. Idk perhaps it was the delivery. I'm triggered. It just feels like the same as everyone else tired of me and when they tell me I'm too much. There's people that don't who have no problem with me being myself just talking how I talk. I understand it's not conducive to every situation. I don't like how this lack of hunger and anger and irritation and frustration is the result of that. Because how do I know I've been understood. How do I trust that?

It's incredibly hard for me to even be open enough to process it via writing in this blog.

I get it and I don't get it.

I really wish I could get my charts to save a hell of a lot of time. Yeah there's urgency for me. I never feel like I have time.

I miss my old psychiatrist because this shit wouldn't be happening. I'd be able to take my med and he would be brave enough to speak to the medical board.

I think a lot of people think I'm trying to discount how hard I'm struggling just being a person doing normal things. My executive dysfunction is terrible.

As far as meds go I've been on EVERYTHING and it's quite possible some of those meds contributed to fucking me up. I see a geneticist. I've had medical testing done. I have genetic mutations that cause me issues with a whole mess of medications.

I'd have to stop taking certain thinks to do the ket treatments and with my cptsd I'm not sure that that is a good idea. I don't want to experience side effects or an adverse reaction. I've almost died enough. I'd LOVE to try a SGB or TMS but my insurance doesn't cover it.

The sheer amount of adrenaline rush I felt and what I was able to absorb is not great. Just being told that even though no harm was meant was super triggering because it's not something I've been able to easily fix. The sheer amount of energy I'm putting into managing other things while I'm trying to listen etc I wish I could get someone to understand.

Idk if there's a different way it can be looked at. I'm not trying to be ride or take the session over. I know it's best intentions but honestly it felt like criticism and a cognitive distortion like an assumption directed at me. I understand that I'm not easy. But understand I don't have control over it fully. I don't always feel like im driving this fuckin flesh prison.

It is frustrating to have a brain that goes incredibly fast.

It's frustrating to feel completely rejected even tho I was told that's not what it was it still feels that way because it's very hard for me to trust anyone fully.

It's frustrating to be at a loss for words.

I do feel like I need to defend myself. Because shit I'm so fucking tired of hearing how I'm difficult basically. No it's not easy for everyone to talk to me an no not everyone can wrap their brain around what I'm experiencing.

I just feel gross. I want to eat I went to get food but now I'm sitting in a fucking parking lot with a cop staring at me as I cry and vent and feel overwhelming feelings.

You know it's not just family that hasn't heard or seen me. It's been therapists and doctors etc...

So that is related to trauma.

This is a controversial opinion of mine but I truly feel sometimes that a therapist will think they have me figured out and they don't, I feel like this process happens way too fast. I didn't even notice a cue or get a chance to jot down a reminder. I'm trying to listen to listen. I was trying to save time. I was trying to communicate.

I needed to talk about other things. But I feel like I've just been told everything I'm doing and saying us wrong and that is generally what people do to me when I try to speak.

It feels so shitty.

It takes forever to regulate when people point shit out that I'm aware im doing but can't really control. Like yes I get it. It does make things hard.

I feel that ppl think I'm trying to shoot down everything but this isn't new to me. I'm not trying to be defensive or whatever it looks like. I'm just trying to communicate before the thought poofs from my brain or save ppl the trouble of telling me shit that I'm completely aware of. I don't really plan to fuck up and interrupt etc it just happens and I don't feel that I have full control over that.

I am pissed because I'd really like to get my damn files from the last therapist I'd made headway with.

I originally thought I'd be doing emdr which we've discussed you aren't certified in.

I don't want to quit therapy. I'm scared I'll get the talk and it feels like I'm already about to be discarded so quickly.

Do I have proof that any of this is true? No.

It's just currently how I feel.

I had plans the rest of the day and now I can't even think to figure out where I needed to go and what to do. I can't pick a food. I'm not wanting to go to the post office. I feel like I'm shutting down.

I do have a suggestion that may actually help because I'm not sure if you know how you came across visually when you spoke to me.

I notice patterns I see micro expressions. I can see anger in people even if it's more a frustration.

So idk maybe put a mirror up and look at how the body language etc may come across. Or better yet perhaps say it to yourself in the mirror.

Look I'm probably still coming across in a way that will be misinterpreted or would be by someone else.

I don't want to build resentment so I'm sharing my CURRENT feelings which are subject to change.

I wish you could understand what's going on in my brain and could just magically understand but it takes time with me.

And yeah I'm always worried about everything.

I'm worried you'll read this along with everything else and just be like OH GOD NOPE

A Tree can't describe the Forest.

I have trouble wording things so sometimes also when I've got it in my head worded well and I'm telling people and I get chided even gently even just someone pointing out that I've interrupted and that is so triggering because it took me so long to try to figure out how to word it and then it goes unheard everyone feels unheard there's this mess and it's my fault and the import thing is gone. I get tongue tied. I stutter. I have trouble articulating sometimes.

I'll try to continue to not fuck up but I already feel I have with this post with my reaction with the obvious frustration which is not invalid because I know you're trying to help.

This is similar to how I react to my mom and dad via text but honestly 1000x nicer.

I don't even feel like I've said anything right in this post.

I feel like I'm completely not understood.

I understand locus of control. I don't feel that I even have a full locus of control though.

When you have autonomy when you first develop it and it's suddenly under micromanage control and you grow up with passive neglectful controlling fucking insane people who do the same shit you get fussed at about it's really hard.

I don't feel like a whole person. I feel like I'm just the manager or the pilot. Idfk where my core is my inner child etc. I know that I age regress sometimes. I know I do a ton of things but I'm not always in the driver's seat.

I don't understand myself either. I feel like parts of me are in charge of various things.

I hate this entry.

I just feel shame. I just want to hide.

Maybe I should play the 13-15 or so minute long audio I have of a past abuse so you can understand how absolutely nasty I'm spoken to and why it's so triggering to even hear constructive criticism etc...

I'll make more entries later. I still need to let my emotions chill out.

I am worried that therapy is now a trigger. Not because of you. Because it has always been me trying to tell people what is happening. I had times where cps should have been called but because I was interrupting etc... that was more of a focus than my own safety. No adult in my life has stood up to any abuser and done anything about it.

Now I'm an adult who is profoundly fucked up and like idfk how to be understood or to trust that I'm being heard or understood or anything

I feel like the people that get it in my life are the ones that have had a very hard life not the same as me but on level with me.

I don't know if this shit is gonna help you understand me any or if I've just unintentionally confused you more or whatever.

I have to go ahead and go home. I don't have the bandwidth to do anything else today. I'm pissed about it. I had plans.

Is it your fault? No. You don't know me. You don't know everything. You weren't not being professional. I don't know how to explain how it triggered me. If I could play it back to you I'd point it out the moment so you could understand.

I don't want to delete parts of this that I could go write better. It's hot, I'm trying to wrestle my emotions, I'm embarrassed, I'm still various forms of upset. I need to eat but im just sitting in this wholefoods parkinglot crying like an idiot. I feel like I've wasted a session talking about the wrong things thus creating a stupid kerfuffle.

I guess I'll see you next week.

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