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markleesthighs · 3 years

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good 4 u

pairing: guitarist/singer!y/n (fem) x badboy!jeno

genre: angst, fluff (if you squint), smut, strangers to lovers to enemies

song: good 4 u by Olivia Rodrigo

a/n: mentions of cheating, breakup, depression, underaged drinking (please be safe!!) picture/GIF from @pureboyjun

Everyone told you to watch out, everyone warned you about him, Lee Jeno. You and Jeno weren’t in the same friend group, you were as what society called an “art freak” with streaks of colors in your hair and black eyeliner. You also always kept guitar picks with you, always wanting to sneak into the music room and practice on the electric guitar. The wannabe’s compared you to an Avril Lavigne-type girl. Your best friends were also your bandmates, supportive of you and your dream, unlike your parents. You and your parents had a deal, as long as you kept good grades you could continue to play music as a “hobby.”

You also worked at a music store, which is how you ran into Lee Jeno. He was looking for vinyl of a specific artist which happened to also be one of your favorites so you knew exactly where it was. He thanked you and you hoped that would be the last you’d see him. But he came in every day to talk to you and eventually had the courage to approach your lunch table. All your bandmates glared at Lee Jeno, knowing his reputation and his motives. Once he left they’d all trash him for trying to talk to you.

“y/n you shouldn’t really associate with him.”

“Yeah, all of his ‘fangirls’ will tear you to shreds.”

“Jeno hits and runs, you better stop talking to him before it turns into something dangerous. You’ll only get hurt.”

You didn’t think much of their words, since Jeno wasn’t really your type anyway. There’s no way you could ever fall for him. Oh boy, were you wrong. Jeno went out of his way to swoon you in any way he could. He’d walk you home at night, visit you in the music room and at work, he’d even invite you to his lunch table where you’d be met with his other ‘bad boy’ friends. He would get you your favorite coffee, just the way you like it, and get your lunch order so you wouldn’t wait in line. All of this attention grabbed the attention of his fangirls, constantly threatening you about how “Jeno is mine!” and bullshit like that. You honestly didn’t care because you reassured them you and Jeno were not dating.

That was until he invited you to a party, saying that you could meet his one friend that was also into music and could help you break out into the music industry. You agreed, excited to meet someone in the industry. When you arrived at the party, you met his friend who worked at Columbia Records, you bonded and everything got his contact information in hopes of getting an internship. Jeno met up with you again, asking you to repay him, in a game of fear pong (beer pong with truth or dare elements). You agreed, joining him on his team against Johnny and his girlfriend. One of the dares you guys had to do was make out for one minute or drink. You were about to drink when Jeno grabbed your face and started to make out with you.

God, did he taste good. His lips were soft brushing against yours the taste of beer and light cigarette smoke made his lips only more addictive. Everyone watching was hooting and hollering at the two of you. Jeno licked the bottom of your lip, which you opened your mouth to let his tongue enter, causing your tongues to fight for dominance. Jeno’s ultimately dominated and touched your throat. You gave a small moan which only made Jeno kiss you harder. Johnny coughed causing you two to stop.

“You realize you two were making out for like 5 minutes right?” Johnny laughed.

You pulled away but Jeno held on to you by your waist.

“What can I say, Suh, she tastes really good, I wanted to savor it.”

That made you blush. You guys continued the game and you and Jeno won, out of excitement (and slight intoxication) you kissed Jeno. He looked at you in shock and you apologized before he kissed you back. Since that game, you two were attached to the hip the whole night. Jeno didn’t feel safe letting you go home so he let you sleep with him in a bedroom upstairs. When you guys were tucking in for the night he wrapped his arm around you pulling you closer to him.

“y/n, I love you.”

You giggled “You’re drunk Jeno...get some rest.”

“No, I mean it.”

“You’re really funny.”

“Do you need me to prove it to you?” He spoke in a deep voice, shifting his body to hover above yours.

“If I didn’t love you do you think I’d be feeling like this right now?” Jeno whispered into your ear. When he leaned down you felt his member rock hard against your thigh.

“J-jeno, you’re confused, do you know what you’re doing right now?”

“If you want me to stop I’ll stop. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, I can take care of myself in the bathroom if you don’t want to do it.”

As Jeno was moving off your body you wrapped your arms around his body to pull him back.

“N-no, stay, please.”

“Are you sure y/n, you sure you want to do this?”

“Y-yes.” Little did you know that you would regret sleeping with Lee Jeno.

Jeno kissed your lips softly, knowing how tired you both are. You felt his member twitching with every kiss. He moved on to your neck, leaving soft kisses and a purple mark on your collarbone. He moved all the way down your stomach down to your flower. He kissed your thighs and ate you out vigorously, he was sucked down on your clit while fingering you. You were trying to hide your moans but Jeno hit your sweet spot almost every single time, causing you to not be able to contain yourself. You were tugging and pulling at his har which also caused him to moan. You were about to climax when Jeno pulled away which caused you to whine and pout. Jeno kissed your pouty lips as he pulled out a condom from the drawer (be safe kids!) and tore it open and put it on his member.

He looked at you and asked again for your reassurance and you nodded.

“I’ll be slow and gentle I promise.”

He slowly slid into you as you clenched around him you squeezed your eyes from the pain, he was a lot bigger than you thought. Jeno moans harmoniously along with you as he waited for you to let him move.

“P-please m-move..”

Jeno smiled as with every thrust he kissed you, he made you feel comfortable in his arms.

“F-faster, please...”

“What’s my name?”

“J-jeno! Please!”

“That’s daddy to you.” He said as he thrusted harder inside of you.

“Y-yes, daddy, please go faster.”

“Good girl.”

Jeno pushed harder and faster as you moaned louder and louder, finally climaxing with Jeno. Jeno removed the condom and threw it in the trash as he walked to the bathroom and cleaned you up along with a few kisses.

“Hey Jeno?” Jeno turned to look at you.

“I love you too.”

After that night you and Jeno were going steady for a couple weeks until he ghosted you. He stopped talking to you and his friends would laugh at you or Jeno would tell you to go back to your old table. You heard their conversation as you were walking back.

“I can’t believe Jeno got her to sleep with him.”

“Easiest fucking $100 he’s ever made.”

When you went back to your bandmates you were broken. Endless nights of tears and suicidal thoughts swamped your mind. Why me? Why did I have to fall for his stupid trap? He only wanted me for some cheap cash huh? How can he just move on so easily? Did nothing we have mean anything? Well screw that and screw you, Lee Jeno.

“Hey y/n?” One of your bandmates asked.

“Battle of the bands' championship for the school is coming up, do you know what song we are going to cover?”

You looked at Jeno. “Oh, I fucking know what song we are going to sing.”

You and your bandmates got the sheet music for good 4 u by Olivia Rodrigo and practiced it until it became natural for everyone. Finally, the battle of the bands' championship occurred. It was hosted by your school to fundraise for the music program and scholarships. Before your group came up, you all huddled, and they all gave you the words of encouragement you needed to perform in front of Lee Jeno.

“Sing it from your heart bitch.”

“Kill him with those words.”

“Make him feel like the shit head he is.”

As they hyped you up, you felt much better as you all walked out to stand on the stage. You saw Jeno in the crowd with his new supposed girlfriend. You began playing the first notes on the guitar.

Well, good for you, I guess you moved on really easily You found a new girl and it only took a couple weeks Remember when you said that you wanted to give me the world?

You stared right into his eyes singing every lyric, letting him know what a scumbag he was for dating someone new in a few weeks when he confessed to you after he fucked your brains out. What kind of a person does that?

Now you can be a better man for your brand new girl

You raised your hand and pointed right at him and his new girl who looked like every other bitch who wanted to get with Jeno, you couldn’t compare to her, you had to show Jeno he made a mistake leaving you for $100. You wanted to make those $100 worth nothing because he left you for someone who’s only worth $1.

Well, good for you, you look happy and healthy, not me If you ever cared to ask Good for you, you're doin' great out there without me, baby God, I wish that I could do that

You sang you heart out to those lyrics almost feeling emotional. How could Jeno sit there with a smile on his face while you almost crying during this set. You then realized Lee Jeno is an emotionless piece of shit. But just this once, you wanted to see him cry.

I've lost my mind, I've spent the night Cryin' on the floor of my bathroom But you're so unaffected, I really don't get it But I guess good for you

It wasn’t fair that you cried endless tears, while Jeno came to school with a smile on his face. Your eyes would be dark and baggy from all the crying and endless sleep, but he came to school happier and brighter than ever, fuck you Lee Jeno.

It's like we never even happened Baby, what the fuck is up with that?

Everyone forgot about you and Jeno the moment he dropped you. How come everyone took his side and let this slide past everyone? Did no one care about how you felt? How humiliated you were? How can someone forget something like that?

And good for you, it's like you never even met me Remember when you swore to God I was the only Person who ever got you? Well, screw that and screw you You will never have to hurt the way you know that I do

Jeno and you became strangers, nobodies, to each other just back at square one, how did this happen? He would complain about how his friends would make fun of his music tastes and hobbies, making you think you were the only one who understood him and supported him. You wanted to make him feel guilt and shame for toying with you.

Maybe I'm too emotional But your apathy's like a wound in salt Maybe I'm too emotional Or maybe you never cared at all

You’ve thought about how you were the problem, that Jeno didn’t want you for you. He would act reassuring when you were in bed, but once he left you, he brushed off every concern you had. He never had any feelings for you. He never cared about you.

Before the final chorus you pulled out a picture of you and Jeno printed out on paper and one of your bandmates set it on fire. The picture of Jeno’s face starting to well up with tears when everyone in the gym started to stare at him. It was music to your ears.

Good for you, you're doin' great out there without me, baby Like a damn sociopath

You were now crying in the last chorus not out of sadness but out of joy, finally, Lee Jeno knows what it’s like to have his heartbroken. All of the other girls and guys were screaming and singing along with you, you were jumping and high-fiving all of them, rocking out to the music. Your mascara was dripping down your cheeks and you looked emotional and powerful.

Well, good for you, I guess you moved on really easily

As you played the last chord on your guitar everyone was cheering. You thanked everyone for the performance as your group hugged your bandmates thanking them for getting you through the performance. You turned to look at Jeno one last time to see him crying. It was beautiful.

good 4 u, Lee Jeno.

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serenawitchwriter · 3 years

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BNHA fusion (Bakusquad/Deku)

BakuDeku

HE NUMBER ONE HERO

SCREAMS

DESTRUCTION!

is so insecure tho, don’t tell anyone

WILL ALSO TAKE ANY CHALLENGE

SCARY

YOU CAN’T HURT HIM??

SUPER UNSTABLE

ONLY GETS ALONG WITH KIRASHIMA

really wants to be friends with everyone though, please?

WOULD KILL YOU

NEVER SHUTS UP

BREAKS EVERYTHING INCLUDING HIMSELF, STILL COMES AFTER YOU

AND HE’S SMART!!??

HONEST

kinda hates himself, but in an apathetic way

NEVER GIVES UP

possibly Undyne from Undertale?

cries when frustrated

ADMIRABLE DESPITE ALL HIS FLAWS

UNSTOPPABLE WHEN HE PUTS HIS MIND TO SOMETHING

gets strangely flustered around people he admires, comes across as tsundere

KiriDeku

MANLY AS HELL

SO STRONG

FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE

WILL BENCH PRESS ALL HIS FRIENDS AT ONCE

A HERO FANBOY SQUARED

TOUGH AS NAILS

ALMOST ALWAYS SMILING

freckles and shark teeth

explosion of red fluffy hair, green roots

is very private with their insecurity. will go quiet and thoughtful when left alone

unshakably kind

MOTIVATES YOU

TRIES TO USE SLANG AND FAILS

has this weird habit of headbutting things and breaking them?

Bakugou hates but tolerates them? he acts more like a wet cat than sparky sparky boom man

they are LITERALLY the only person who can get away with hugging him

(Bakugou secretly loves them)

MANY

BRO

HUGS!!!

prone towards depression but makes himself feel better by helping people

LITERALLY EVERYONE LOVES THEM

gives off a strangely unattainable vibe

DekuMina

watermelon, freckled pink skin, green fluffy hair that is amazingly curly. horns

green eyes, with black sclara

cute beyond reason

really really excitable

#1 friend, always knows when something is wrong and how to cheer people up

socially conscious. can hang out with basically anyone and be liked

an ambivert

loves dancing and moving and fighting. incredibly flexible but also muscular. sorta Mirko physique only unmatured

has sick kicks and flips

hates bullies and will punch clocks out without hesitation

can be kinda obnoxious, especially because they don’t know how to shut up

will tease you accurately if you call them out. they’re not mean, but can pick out what’s actually wrong. getting called out when you’re trying to be mad is also obnoxious

extremely tactile and clingy. loves hugging and just touching their friends. Mido never felt like he had permission before, but combined with Mina they give out touches freely

slightly dark, self-depreciating humor but you can never tell if they’re serious

both intentionally and unintentionally funny

clumsy, a bit of a space case

makes fun of Bakugou the most

gets really creative in the type of acid they make and how they use it, particularly combined with the tentacle quirk

has no fashion sense. Mina might be able to claim her bright colors and patterns are an aesthetic. but DekuMina can make no such claim. they are an eyesore and they love it. ugly is their aesthetic and they will not apologize

unironically wears eye-searing Hawaiian shirts, bakugou hates this about them

unironically finger guns at every opportunity

KamiDeku

oh man, they are not okay

chronic pain

trying to cover up that anything is wrong with smiles and humor x2

yellow hair with more than once green lightning streak

electric green eyes that glow constantly

attacks with green lightning in general. it’s overpowered but they can control where it’s going now.

unafraid to go all out in a fight and suffers physically and mentally for it

really hard on themselves, low confidence

the kind of adhd where they have a million interest and skill-sets. they’ve learned so much, they genuinely are really smart. but they remember absolutely nothing

they get really frustrated and will often cry because of this. they know the information is there but they can never find it when they need it. they’re just reaching into their brain and finding nothing when they know something is supposed to be there. they hate it

pretty depressed

an incredibly loyal friend, always trying to help no matter how worn out they are

is genuinely really funny. they know how to do critical and aware humor, situational humor, improv. they could do standup if they tried.

probably eats really weird food. i see them combining bizarre food items together and really liking it. will put garbage into their body, shaggy style

easygoing when they don’t have any stressors

but extremely anxious when there are stressors (note: there are a lot of stressors)

stims with their hands a lot. their hands just can’t hold still. will flap twiddle, twitch, tap, anything

the friend that will try to put all the focus on you when it’s clear that they’re the one having a meltdown.

is baby

the friend groups come out in force for this one. they will not let them feel alone or bad. kamideku is getting the support they need

loves cuddles

JiroDeku

vibing

Jirou brings out Mido’s attitude, so honestly they are mean and sassy and sarcastic. they’d insult you and you’d thank them for it

straight green and purple hair in an gradient, keeps the earlobes.

trying and succeeding to be punk rock but is also adorable. like you know they can and will kick your ass, but they are also so short and they have chubby cheeks and freckles. they’re adorable

a short and compensating for it vibe except they are legitimately edgy

they might be nb, but they are also absolutely still a sword lesbian

sonic boom quirk. they will destroy building with their quirk, they will destroy eardrums

absolutely in a punk band and capable of rapping

probably does vocaloid/computer based music

could also see them using a gun

I could see them being into arson, too, hopefully only for good reasons

is wild and chaotic. they are genuinely having a lot of fun.

their grin is absolutely feral and a threat, and honestly that’s very valid and sexy of them

pretty chill when they aren’t up to shit,

constantly listening to music, always has a pair of good headphones around their neck

vibes with Bakugou more than Jirou does alone.

big sister to most of the class

probably kicks doors open

serodeku

spiderman

weird, not in an artistic or intentional way. they just have an off vibe

unsettling smile, freckles, eyes that are a bit to big. curly black hair.

on the plain side

lanky and scarred

can shoots energy, tentacles, and tape from elbows.

great a parkour, has fantastic mobility

full of nervous energy, but still 100% down to fuck with people

secretly a sadist.

will call anyone out when they’re being stupid or reckless

pretty social

loves fruits and vegetables

loves tv, could probably tell you everything about the show he’s watching

pretty bashful

besties with Kaminari and Kirishima

a great hype man

insane, slightly scary pranks

it’s hard to tell what they’re thinking, especially in a fight

fantastic at creating traps and pushing people into them

tries to pretend he’s not as dangerous or confident as he really is. would prefer to be underestimated

tends to talk down his achievements as a result

but knows exactly how powerful they are

(masterlist)

#fusion au #bnha #mha #bakudeku #bakusquad #kirideku #minadeku #jiroudeku #serodeku #kamideku #bakugou #Midoriya #kirishima #mina #jirou #sero #denki kaminari #serenawitchwriter

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cargopantsman · 3 years

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Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here

Trigger warnings: All of them, because I am lazy. Also none of this is sensical.

Utter, hyper-caffeinated brain noise.

The problem with the concept of a "sense of self" is it already tries to concretize an amorphous abstract. It makes us want to point at some thing and say "Well... that's me." Whether it is a set of ideals that we try to live by, a set of activities that brings us a sense of joy or fulfillment, or, gods forbid, and entirely different and other person that "completes us."

I've always had an affinity for trickster figures and shapeshifters. The wearers of masks, the truthful liars, the artisans of duality, yada, yada. Since I was a child my first instinct has always been to blend in. If into the background, great, but if need be, if I needed to blend into the social fabric around me, I could do that too. To throw this into the high school backdrop; I wasn't a social butterfly, I was shy as could be, but I got along with the jocks, the goths, the nerds, the art freaks, the band kids, the preps, the whatever. Where ever I was I could fake that I belonged there. I was comfortable drifting in between worlds. (Looking back, I could have caused a lot more chaos with the information I was privy to at the time...[Oh, there's a constant point. I'm good at keeping secrets, keeping confidence. I'll lie my ass off to keep a secret.]) Does any of that really help drive a sense of self though? When your natural instinct is to mirror, to blend, to fade? When your point of pride is walking into a room unnoticed and, even better, leaving a party unseen? Does being a ghost count as an identity?

"Expression of Will" comes to mind... what does that mean? Ok, so some abstract thing is inside of you and you manifest it objectly outwardly. I was an artist. I made images in my head and "kind of" manifest them on paper. Some times people see that paper... I was a writer... images in my head "became" words and some people saw that. I combined them into comics. Some people Saw that. Is that a lasting affect? Maybe the fights I've been into?! That time in 2nd grade someone was picking on a friend and I laid them out... the time in 8th grade someone was picking on me and clocked them down. Or in high school when someone decided to start some rumors and I held them up by their throat in the air until they turned blue? That was an inward thing that manifested outwardly. Nevermind good or bad, but was any of that... me?

Hmm. The beast. The primal... come back to that later.

"Expression of Will," "Expression of Will," "Expression of Will" ... What the fuck even is "Will"? Is this why philosophers get their heads so far up their ass? Is it a desire? The will to live.... living requires eating and the amount of times I forget to even do that... Maybe been looking at the phrase all wrong...

Will to Live (noun) It isn't a thing.

Will (verb) to (preposition) Live (verb)

Why does that sound better?

Desire to Live (noun)

Desire (verb) to (preposition) Live (verb)

Okay, that feels better even, but still... Sense of self, will, desire, expressions thereof. Are these just the aimless desires and wills? The fleeting flights of frivolous fancies festering forlornly in frontal cortices?

The self with the will can direct the desires towards living. "Get in the fucking robot Shinji!" "I don't wanna"

The (ghost) with the (strength) can direct the (impulses) towards (being). Getting too close to a concept of a soul on that one huh?

Forget self. It's a useless moniker right now. There is no self. It's just this mind alone for the first time in its entire life. (Not alone alone, there are friends, but they've learned more about me in the past two weeks than the past 6 years so...) "What did they learn?" asked the projection of self that defines itself by interactions with other.

I thought we were forgetting self.... not an option really. Sentience is a bitch like that. But they've learned I'll put up with a lot of bullshit under the guise of strength and integrity when I should've callously called this whole thing ages ago. That I can shut myself down completely in the interest of bodily-self preservation. (Not Self-self preservation, fuck the English language). What did I sacrifice? What did I shut down?

Everything.

That is less than helpful.

The Beast. Vince. Your Shadow.

My Shadow...

What do you desire?

Blood in the cut, tears in their eyes, power over someone that wants that power over them...

Do you want that? I don't want it, I just need it. No... I want it.

Is that all you are? A sadist? An animal?

Maybe... probably not though. A caretaker, and a sparring partner. A trickster and a shapeshifter. A crafter whose tools are destruction.

Next problem, grandeur. Mythologizing everything. But how to see a thing if you don't blow it up/magnify it?

You lack a sense of self because no one ever tested your sense of self. No one actually fought you for who you are. To find out who you are. The ex didn't. An old friend did until she got scared by what she found there.

You don't want to be yourself because it's not nice is it? You were raised to be nice.

College. I controlled the group. Never hit anyone after high school aside from set matches in classes or sparring for funsies. They all saw my eyes and stopped if they were getting out of hand.

The Dom-Friend.

Don't use the d-word on me.

Destroyer? Yeah, that one's fine. That one fits. He says as he carelessly tosses lit matches around his entire life. Can we bring up the phoenix or is that too grandiose? Why shouldn't it be grandiose? We spend every day of our lives going through the same kind of tedious bullshit all the time why not make our inner lives a bit bigger, a bit richer?

A bit darker.

Why do you want them to bleed? Hurt and comfort. That's a big theme, a trope if you will. Why not have both at the same? Why not let her think that I'm about to kill her but let her rest in the trust that I won't? Why not let me think that I'm about to break her while believing she is the most precious thing in the world?

Caretaker. A caretaker kills all the time. Tearing out weeds, uprooting the prized plant to move it to a better place for its growth.

Growth.

The self isn't going to be found just in ones self... not in another either. No, the self has to be found in everything. The things one wants to run to and run from. The soul (oops) is formed by what it crashes into right? The mind recoils from traumas races towards panaceas, why not, if one can, flip the polarity on the two. Bring the darkness screaming into the light so you can see it, bring the light quivering into the darkness so it can loose its terrifying brillance. Balance in all things right?

You're not a very positive person, they say. No... I'm not. It lashes out in bad ways sometimes, sure. Control, control, you must learn control. But being negative isn't bad. Not if you can grow from it. No plant can survive the sun for 24 hours. Trees sleep in the winter. We sleep, we heal, we grow.

Self-Destruction!! That's a fun one... seven fucking months downing a bottle of whisky a night. Whooo boy. Do Not Recommend.

Got a nice stay in the underworld though and trudged up a lot of shit. Now I'm sitting here with my ears ringing because I finally hit the personal limit on Monsters and my brain is overclocked enough I can finally see shit at 4 angles at the same time. I am a god damned quantum supercomputer of emotions right now.

Faith and faithlessness are the same thing. Have faith, trust the future, don't expect anything, don't plan your now for your future. Sounds sadly like live in the moment type bullshit, but life is weird and people are complex. Shifting drifting clueless animals that want to be safe but don't want to get stuck in anothers arms even when there is one whose arms are so safe.

The damage runs deep... and two people with damage running that deep. Hmm. How much healing can falling do? The other just puts a bandage over a puncture wound and both try to ignore it, but then the blood gets pumping, the heart pounds and poisons surge to the surface. It's neither one's fault really. Life is a trial of knives and we don't always have time or concern to tend the wounds properly. There's always something else that needs to be taken care of first.

Divorce is a helluva drug. It is maddening, the freedom to finally to be yourself is line having the lineart stripped off, there is a terrifying infinity in front of you and the only thing to do for awhile is melt. Let the slings and arrows just pierce and sink in. Anyone else tries to push the sludge of you into a shape might get hurt when they find the arrows. I want to go absolutely feral in a way. In a way the whole COVID mess is keeping me under lock and key so I'm just prowling around the empty house like I always have been, but now there's some sense... of purpose.

I'm raging against any depression, the executive dysfunction is going to have a talking to. The sense of self is going to be found in stripping this house down to bare walls and making a blank canvas. Bring everything down, ruin it all, start again.

My self is emptiness, it always has been. I can be anything, but I should be wary of ever wanting to be something. (My career options are AWESOME). But this is a different emptiness than before. Before I pulled the trigger and splattered the brains of the marriage across the floor I was just a void, and inky black pit of nothingness. Somehow, having the Shadow rise up and finally start getting along with the rest of me, the emptiness isn't.... void. It's just nascent possibility and that shouldn't scare me.

It does, of course, terrify me. First time in 40 years being legitimately alone is terrifying, should have done this kinda thing when I was 20, but... I was an idiot back then (60 year old me laughs from the future). But I think I can get a grip on the concept that "I" don't exist, but I'm real... ever changing ever dynamic, not who I was while I was married, but a mix of the me before, a angry beast now, and something yet unseen in the future.

#personal bs #vince rising #dan falling #don't try this at home kids

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ma-lark-ey · 3 years

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Lark headcanons to piggyback off my Grant headcanons B) I don’t have as many for Lark which is weird considering I took his name.

- He’s the younger twin

- mans SUCKS in a fight, he thinks he doesn’t

- He’s that one kind in your grade who no one really talks to or is friends with, but no one dislikes.

- always keeps stimtoys on him, always always always

- severely ADHD

- deffo has panic attacks (like his dad B) )

- He can’t handle much weight on top of him from the trauma of the pyramid.

- He has some pretty noticeable scars on his arm, neck and legs from the incident, when people ask he quickly changes the subject.

- He owns a chinchilla! her name is Snail. Sparrow has one named Slug!

- He likes to write!! He writes a lot of short stories, and will churn out stories of Sparrow’s characters.

- to go with that, Sparrow will draw scenes from the stories he writes. They’re a little duo.

- They want to make comics when they’re older. Lark being the writer and Sparrow being the artist.

- Lark is really good at calming people down and mellowing out bad situations, it’s a skill he had to learn from how often Grant and Nick would have panic attacks after Faerun, and he wanted to help them.

- He likes stirring the pot in politics classes.

- he has a LOT of pent up anxiety, but doesn’t admit it.

- If he’s not with Sparrow, he’s probably hiding out at a skatepark or a junkyard.

- He’s trans masc because fUCK you. Self projection.

- He expresses his affection through gifts!! He likes making all his cool friends gifts to give them

- He’s super socially awkward and doesn’t have many friends, even though he’s super charismatic.

- If he can’t do comics as an adult, he wants to be a special ed teacher.

- Lark will never admit it, but he is EXACTLY like his dad.

- Lark and his partner (Finch, obviously. If you don’t know who Finch is.... Boy do I have a piece of fandom to introduce you to) adopt a kid at like, early thirties. You would never think Lark would make a nice parent, but he’s a more strict version fo Henry. Takes good care of his little guy.

- The kid’s name is Dove

- Lark’s comfort food are those shitty muffins you get in little tiny packs of four and ate as a kid instead of a real breakfast.

- His favorite drink is... Whatever the fuck you put in front of him.

- One time when he was little he brought Henry a glass of water that was left outside for days ( you know the kind I’m talking about ) and told him to drink it. Henry couldn’t say no.

- Lark thinks a lot about what would’ve happened if he took over Oakvale after Faerun. He wonders how different life would’ve been.

- He doesn’t get along super well with Autumn, but he makes a point to keep in contact with her.

- Some nights, he’ll have a really bad panic attack and dissociate for a long time. Whenever he calms back down, he’s always protectively held in his dad’s lap in the living room floor with some kids cartoon on the TV, and usually Henry is mumbling to him about something.

- Lark used to only drink with plastic straws (he likes to chew on them and his hands shake too much for him to use a glass), but he started using rubber straws in eighth grade cause he liked the taste of rubber more.

- on that, his hands are always shaking like a mother fucker. The only thing he’s found that steadies his hands is cross-stitch.

- He listens to folk punk (oh no)

- If you get in the car with Lark, Hayloft by Mother Motehr WILL play, and he WILL go absolutely FERAL

- He plays the drums!!

- Whenever he gets drained in social situations, he’ll crouch. He’ll just *crouches down* and sit there. He’ll keep interacting with you normally and whatnot, but he likes being close to ground.

- He sleeps to the side of his bed instead of in the middle so in case Sparrow has a nightmare and wants to climb in next to him he can :((

- Lark listens to Welcome to Nightvale and The Penumbra Podcast

- His favorite color is green!

- His favorite video game is Forager

- Lark LOVES My Hero Academia, also watches a lot of short underground anime. He rarely gets into the big names, but MHA grabbed him by the throat and said “You’re gonna have the duality of relating to Izuku AND Katsuki, deal with it” and he said “Yes, Mr. ADHD and Depression, sir!”

- Lark listens Its Okay (To Punch Nazis) - Cheap Perfume on repeat because it scratches a good brain itch, also yeah, he’d clock a nazi without flinching.

- He has a playlist on Spotify titled “feral baby man” and it’s just a bunch of songs he legally has to scream along with

- Similarly, he’s that one friend with way too many Spotify playlists and all of them have hyper specific purposes.

- A collection of them are Stimmy Stimmy, Oh No Emotions, UWU Vibey Shit, Whoever Put Crack In These Songs, Thank You For Your Service, HOIST UP THE THIIIIIING, and more.

- He says a bunch of Australian and Irish slang and NO ONE knows where he got it from. (His favorite thing is to drop a new one and watch the confusion. The best one yet is Grant’s reaction to ridgey-didge of just “Literally what the fUCK did you just say??????”)

- He likes sewing

- Surprisingly, he likes soft music as much as he does really attention grabbing stuff. One of his favorite bands is Sleeping At Last

- He likes to have jam sessions with Nick :((

- He has a little sister! She was bro when he was around thirteen, and her name is Piper

- he’s the bEST big brother. Okay? He sits with his little sister in his lap in his highschool years as he does Homework and teaches her about math and English to help him study it better.

- He also reads her bedtime stories

- HE KEEPS HIS HAIR REALLY LONG CAUSE HE LIKES TO BRAID IT WHEN HE GETS ANSY AND DOESN’T HAVE ANY STIM TOYS ON HIM SEND TWEET.

This is all I have to give you on Lark at the moment.

#dndads #dungeons and daddies #lark oak-garcia

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helvetica12point · 3 years

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Hi the corona lockdown is getting to me. Could help me to talk. Please do not leave me all alone. Not in the darkness on my own...

Lockdown getting to you is 150% understandable and hella normal. Like, this shit has been going on for a year, everyone has been freaking out and for a lot of us we're within the 1 year anniversary (give or take a few weeks) of everything hitting the fan, which just adds to the stress.

The social isolation that has happened as a result of the pandemic has been crippling, even for people who are usually okay by themselves. Humans are social creatures, we have a psychological need to interact with other humans outside of our family unit or we get really weird at best, and incredibly depressed at worst. So, what you're feeling is not necessarily an unreasonable reaction. Like, the whole pandemic has been pretty darned depressing, you know?

So first off, you are not alone. Whether you've been stuck at home all this time, you've been an essential worker and had to go out in public this whole time, or if you're actually down with the Rona and quarantining, you are not alone.

But as you also know, just because you're reaching out, giving in to the depression-however sane a response it may be-isn't safe either. Like so many of the ways our brains try to protect us, letting depression hang around too long is just as bad as the stuff that causes it. I've been at the bottom of that pit, it is a horrible place to be. And finding the way back out isn't easy, either. But the good news is that there are multiple ways to get out of that dark pit, because we all find our own way that works for us.

If it's not presumptuous, I'd like to just give a list of some things that might help. I don't know your personal situation, so some of them may be useless. Others you may have already tried. So just ignore anything like that and focus on whatever will help you most here.

Since it's lockdown getting to you the most right now, think about how many people are getting vaccinated right now, and how many are already fully vaccinated! Vaccination is how we're going to get out of this, and the fact that it's going fairly well is a light at the end of the tunnel. The media and your brain will say, "yes, but-" and my advice in that case is to just say no and don't let your brain finish that thought. Focus on the good bit, you can worry about the rest later when you're in a better head space. Or maybe never, your choice.

The standard advice of drink a glass of water, make sure you've eaten recently, and make sure you're getting enough (but not too much) sleep. It's all stuff that's easy to forget but that will make a ridiculous difference in your mood.

If you are able, go for a walk or a bike ride (obviously not if you're in quarantine if you're going to be around people). Standard advice, I know, but it can help sometimes.

Go outside in the sun and experience something green and alive. You get a bit of free vitamin D that way, and plants make really nice friends, even if it's just grass and weeds. Apologies if you live in an area that still has snow; bundle up and find an evergreen tree (don't get frostbite).

Create something. This always helps me, but I'm also an artist. It does not matter if it's a brilliant work of art, a batch of cookies, or looks like something a five year old made. Take existing things, combine them in some manner, and create a new and different thing. It does not matter what, as long as the thing you make did not previously exist (please avoid making explosives or biological weapons). Look at the fingers us humans have! Look at how creative a species we are! Humans are designed to make things. If nothing else, it's a good distraction.

Watch a positive movie/show. There can be some leeway here cause what we find comforting is different for everyone, but try to avoid the grimdark post apocalypse stuff. Try to find something that has a bit of hope for humanity. If you want a totally random suggestion, I've been watching Rookie Historian Goo Hae-Ryung on netflix lately. It's a light hearted historical k-drama and it's honestly just cute and light and fun. My husband says it's a soap opera and I'm just like, who cares, it's fun.

Listen to some good music. If you'd like a couple of recommendations, nothing calms me down when I feel squicky like The Glitch Mob, they are my go to "I'm anxious as fuck and need to calm down" music. Delain is another good band, very positive (seriously, if you can listen to Delain and not feel at least a little inspired and like the world has some magic in it you have no soul), and I recommend Icon For Hire to anyone who has struggled with mental illness because, well, they get it. Like, I was in a bad patch when I got their latest album and I legit started crying a little on the first couple of songs because the lyrics were that spot on. Hella empowering for the song along, whether you sing on key or off.

Learn something new. Whether it's going down the rabbit hole on wikipedia, khan academy, or even just listening to a good podcast, find a topic that sounds vaguely interesting and get a little obsessed. This can even be wierd mysteries! My personal favorite wierd mysteries are Dyatlov Pass (which has arguably, if boringly been solved but it's still tragically fascinating) and Oak Island (people have been digging for over 200 years and I applaud the current group for chronicling their futile efforts via TV, which I suspect it's how they're funding it; it's adorable how they think they'll find something, although I really need to catch up).

I hope something in this list helps, and I'm sorry it took so long to get a response back to you. I'm somehow considered an essential worker and was at work all day (I can only access my phone on breaks).

I genuinely hope things get better for you. I know it's not much, but I hope something in this wall of text helps to ease things a little.

#coronavirus 2020 #depression #tw depression #asks answered

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surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

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Survey #374

“doctor, doctor, won’t you please prescribe me something? / a day in the life of someone else...”

Does someone have a crush on you but you don’t feel the same way? No. Who do you feel most beautiful around? No one. What’s one makeup item you cannot live without? I could live without any makeup. What’s the most expensive thing you own? My snake, I think. Or my laptop, idr. Are you more of a book person or a TV person? Book. Relationship status? Single. What color are most of your clothes? Black. Did you french kiss before you were 16? No, I was 16. Last song you listened to? "The Heretic Anthem" by Slipknot. Would you ever go back to any of your past relationships? Yes. What’s your favorite thing about life? That's a big question. I guess seeing acts of mass love and kindness, reminders that we're all in this together through all hardships. Who pays for the first date? Whoever asked the other person out, imo. Who has always been there for you? My mom. Have you ever written on a wall? No, at least not to my memory. Do you play any computer games, if so, what ones? I think anyone who reads these by now knows, haha. I don't much play anything else. I prefer console games. What would you name a baby boy if you had one? Probably Damien or Victor. What would you name a baby girl if you had one? Alessandra, no questions asked. What lyric means the most to you? I mean there's tons, but the first one that came to mind is "for such a little thing, you sure are in your own way" from "Get Up" by Mother Mother. Like in the big picture, we humans are so so so minuscule, but with brains that are too complicated for our own good. It's my own head that creates so many obstacles for me. Who is the smartest person you know? Probably my friend Girt. Have your parents ever been to jail? No. Do you share a bed with anyone? My cat, haha. Does it flatter you when guys open doors for you? It's flattering if anyone does, not just guys. Do you enjoy taking naps? Yeah. That's like part of my daily routine. If your friend asked you to hold their drugs, would you? Nope. Is there anyone you try to be a good influence for? My nieces and nephew, but I don't feel like I am. I'm a poor example of an adult. Do you own a pair of fishnets? No, but I have a pair of fingerless fishnet gloves. Which do you prefer: french toast, bagels, pancakes, waffles, bacon or cereal? All are great, but french toast. Yes or no: eyebrow piercings? I'd actually have one if I didn't have glasses. I think I'd look weird with one as I look now. When I say "The Beatles," what is the first song that comes to mind? "Hey, Jude." In your opinion, what is the very worst type of weather? Extremely hot and humid. You can only listen to one band for the rest of your life, who do you pick? Ozzy Osbourne, of course. Can you snap with both of your hands? Yeah, but it's harder with my left. What is something that you had to learn the hard way? For some people, promises don't mean shit. If you could re-paint your bedroom, what color would you paint it? Maybe like a light peach. When was the last time you got butterflies? I think not since Sara told me I look really pretty in eyeliner. ;_; <3 When was the last time you felt like your heart was actually breaking? There was this one time I was listening to "The Ghost of You" by MCR a while after finding out about Jason's mom's death and I just like... broke. When’s the last time you were in a line? When I was getting my second COVID shot. Do you trust the media? HA! Fuck no. If you could kill off one species of animal, which would it be? At first I was appalled by this question, but like... do wasps serve a purpose? Of all fauna, they annoy me the most. I mean bees are already endangered enough, and they prey on them. They don't pollinate, so like... why are you here. I may be mistaken and they have a valuable role, in which case I take all this back. Who’d you last say I love you to? My mom. What’s the most overpaid job in your opinion? I have on idea. Most jobs are underpaid. What’s the last thing you wrote down? I was doing some paperwork at the TMS office on my first day there. When’s the last time you heard a gunshot? I don’t know. What are you looking forward to? Now that my tattoo (which looks fucking stunning, by the way) is out of the way, I can focus on other things. I'm particularly looking forward to hopefully seeing the results of TMS manifest (which should take 3-4 weeks). It sounds horrible, but I'm also keenly awaiting this dog we're stuck with to go somewhere... The person who gave her to my sister to give my mom won't take the dog back, and we can't find another option that doesn't risk her being euthanized, which we absolutely do not want. We just don't know what to do, but she's driving Mom and me INSANE. Do you listen to online radio stations? No. Have you ever done something sexual that you regret? No. Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret? Multiple things. Have you ever ate so much you puked? Ugh, no. That sounds awful. Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance? Very much, sadly. Would you rather eat cookies or brownies? I gotta say brownies. Which YouTuber have you learned the most from? I mean, this depends on the subject. From Mark, I've learned most about life and how (I think) to be a good person, but there's a lot of pet channels I watch that have taught me loads about proper husbandry. This answer just depends on what knowledge you're talkin' about. Who would you want to be the flower girl at your wedding? Probably a niece. Do you want to be married within the next ten years? It'd be nice. Do you feel like your life is too fast-paced, or do you wish it were busier? Ugh, I wish it was busier. My days are a COMPLETE, routine drag. What are some hobbies which you want to pick up? I want to just be more artsy. I wanna draw and write more, and I'd love love love to be in healthy enough shape to handle going on walks with my camera. There are sometimes I miss editing videos, too. I'm unsure about completely new hobbies. Does anyone encourage you to go after your dreams? My family and a few friends. Oh, and definitely my psychiatrist. What group are you most active in on Facebook? None, really. I mostly just observe. Are you ashamed of anything? A number of things. Primarily not having a job at my age or even being in school. What were your favorite Disney rides as a kid? I loved Splash Mountain, I think it was called. What were your favorite rides at Cedar Point? Never been. What are some places you want to visit that you’ve never been? South Africa, Alaska, Canada, Yellowstone National Park, Bahamas, Venice, Rome... What are some places that you’ve been that you’d like to go to again? Disney World, Chicago, and this one super clear lake I swam in once a few hours away that I don't recall the name of. Have you ever owned a succulent? No. While they're pretty, I've never been much of a plant person. Do you support small businesses? I REALLY want to start doing that more when I have the option to buy my own stuff/have my own income. As someone who wants to be a freelance photographer, I get it. Starting an independent business is hard as hell. If a brand were to sponsor you, which brand(s) would you prefer? Uhhh I dunno. Have you read the entire Bible? No. Do you make bucket lists for each season? No. That does sound kinda fun, though. How old were you when you first dyed your hair? I have no idea. Do you dye your hair regularly? No. :/ I desperately want to, though. It's just not something we can afford to spare cash on. What is the most comfortable type of pants, in your opinion? Pajama pants? haha Do you think you could ever be famous? No. I'm way too boring and don't want to be anyway. What are some jobs you’ve had in the past? Sales associate, cashier, and deli worker. None lasted long whatsoever. What are some jobs you want to or would like to have? List five. FIVE? I don't know. I just know I want to be a photographer. Well, being an artist or poet would be very cool. And a reptile breeder, maybe tarantulas, too, but that makes me kinda nervous with JUST how many babies they have. What are some jobs you have considered? In rough order from youth to now: paleontologist, vet, movie director, game designer, author/poet, artist, music video editor, wildlife biologist, photographer... Maybe there's more that just aren't coming to me. Are you thankful for social media, or do you wish it didn’t exist? Depends on the day for me, but I'm generally thankful for it so I can keep up with the lives of people who are important to me. It's just that it's a breeding ground for self-doubt and rampant comparisons that can easily depress me when I see some people are "further ahead" and more "established" than me. What are some of the best medications you’ve ever had? The combined efforts of Latuda and Lamictal saved my life. What was a video you watched over and over as a kid? There were lots of movies, like The Lion King, a certain Barney one when I was very young, and I watched Finding Nemo like crazy. Do you know a lot of people who were loving, and then turned cold? Jason????????????????? Is that you??????????????????????????????????????????? Do you own anything plaid? Ha, what a coincidence, I'm wearing my red plaid pj pants. Are you good at remembering names? Definitely not. Have the cops ever gotten on to you for anything before? No. What email thingy do you use? (yahoo, gmail, rock) ... Rock? lol anyway my main is Hotmail, but I inevitably have a gmail to have a YouTube account. What game system(s) do you own? PS2, Wii, Nintendo DS Lite, and a GameBoy Advance. Are you any good at Guitar Hero? I used to be; I played most songs on Expert, then some really tough ones on Hard. I was soooooo addicted to those games. I remember when I got the first one for Christmas, I literally played it all day. Have you ever played Call of Duty? Nah, not my jam. What is your favorite/most visited website? YouTube. Is your bed comfortable? Sure. I've definitely had way worse. Do you have a garage? No. Fun fact, I've never lived in a house with one. Should you be doing anything right now? What? There's a number of things I could be doing that are definitely more productive, like finishing decorating my damn room. Do doctors or dentists make you more nervous? Not really. I only ever get nervous to hear my weight at the doctor's. Did you ever think you were about to die before? I don't quite know. When I ODed, it was more like I didn't care if I did. Have you ever really had a near death experience? Was it cool? "Was it cool." Literally fuck off. I guess you could technically consider my OD a "near death experience," especially given how many pills I took, yet I somehow experienced almost no ill symptoms. Maybe because we got to the ER for fluids quickly enough, idk. I'm just glad I didn't die. What is your favorite kind of weather? Snowy! Like a steady snowfall of large flakes with no breeze and total silence. *chef's kiss* Ever tasted beer? Ugh, no. Just the smell makes me sick. It was my dad's drink of choice when he was an alcoholic so I just have a very negative association with it. Have you ever seen a dead body? Yes, at an open-casket wake. Ever poured salt on a slug? As kids, my sisters and I would get our parents to do it because they grossed us out. So, so cruel. I still have this weird but pretty extreme phobia of them, but I wouldn't torture the things like that.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''don't let me get me'' by p!nk

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brokenfoetus · 4 years

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...Real Talk for a Moment....

This is gonna be a long rant post, so by all means... quickly scroll past. Parts may even be a tad emo feels for some folks for one reason or another... There’s no shame in skipping for reals. A lot of days I can’t bother to read anything too in depth... anyway... HERE goes.... While I absolutely love art, and performance, and surreal awkward characterization of myself I call “THE END”. I also value truth, and being understood. My blog here started more as a journal for me to vent, and place to post music and art for me to look at in order to try and just relax during a very difficult point in my life. Every now and then I like to stop and ground myself and post in a sense about the actual me. There’s frankly not anything magical here, everyone has a story and their experiences and struggles we all do no matter who you are. I suppose like I said, I just like to be understood where I am coming from typically can only be slightly grasped like anyone. Even if you agree with views and relate to feelings, things become clearer with details.... hence my rants. I get it out of my system and state my perspectives all at once and anyone who happens to be curious gets to read it. Maybe gets to relate and frankly that tends to help us sometimes. It helps people realize they’re not alone in their situations. Anyway.... I was born a tiny premature gremlin on the east coast of the U.S. I was raised a devout Catholic boy. At age 11 I was diagnosed with the chronic illness Diabetes. when the symptoms started my mother called doctors concerned. We had to wait a full month for my appointment. It was rough. Some people don’t know of the disease, but most people generally are aware. It typically doesn’t seem all too dramatic to most since people think of it as old grandma and grandpa taking their pills and measuring their food. When you’re talking juvenile onset diabetes it’s different... severity can vary. but, I caught some sort of virus, with flu like symptoms... I was very very sick for a week or two. Once it passed, I was okay but slowly started feeling gross in other ways. By the time we got to see Doctors it was too late, and the damage done to my pancreas made it so it created pretty much no insulin. The only theory Doctors had at the time was the virus freaked out my auto-immune system so it made my body attack itself. It seemed that my white blood cells had attacked my pancreas. I was 11, so... I didn’t know what diabetes was. I asked my doctor if there was a cure, and he explained that there was no cure. My little boy brain after feeling so awful for a month and a half assumed I was going to die. I burst into tears as I was very very afraid. My Doctor quickly explained I wasn’t going to die like I had assumed and that it can be treated. It doesn’t seem so scary most the time when you realize it can be treated. The thing is the hormone insulin can be quite dangerous, as low blood sugars are actually very much more dangerous than high blood sugars. Insulin allows glucose in the blood to travel into cells to basically use as fuel. without it sugar levels rise in the blood stream, and the body starts rapidly breaking down fat cells to use as fuel. Now, that happens normal some anyway usually after eating. Just not rapidly.... when it does, the fuel it breaks down creates ketones which can make the blood toxic... by making it acidic.... Like I don’t really think... there’s any way I can describe what high blood sugar feels like... or what it feels like when your blood starts to become acidic.... I can’t... but... minor low blood sugar attacks can happen to anyone just by skipping lunch or forgetting to eat... and those suck... bad ones... well... they feel like you’re dying. Not to be melodramatic about it all... but that’s all I can say to explain it... it just feels like you’re dying. Probably because you sort of are..... The brain runs on glucose so when the levels get too low... your brain panics and tries to save itself and alert you. It’s not fun. It’s been many years since I had anything dangerous or serious in terms of low blood sugars but, a couple times in my life when I wasn’t doing very well emotionally and mentally I wasn’t paying attention or being careful with my insulin dosages and how much I was eating. I’ve had 3 grand mal seizures in my life when I was younger.... it’s hard to explain the experience... in mine... I don’t know.... It was like not existing at all, there was nothing. I woke to pain, I couldn’t see or hear it just hurt. Everything hurt head to toe. Then I could hear myself saying it hurt, then I could hear the people around me, and then I could see the people around me. Then I knew what had happened. I felt a bit guilty for scaring my loved ones so much. That honestly made me more upset than the pain. The reason I spell all this out... is my life has mostly been surrounded by fear. I’ve been aware of my mortality and trying to avoid dying on a daily basis since I was a very young boy. The strange thing I suppose.... is after a while... you just get sick of being afraid.... you kind of stop being scared and just get angry... I was a shy timid nervous little dude.... I’ve had long long times where... I’ve felt worthless, I’ve hated myself, felt I didn’t deserve happiness, or love. I’ve let people use me, without standing up for myself. I’ve let people be toxic and cruel, while excusing their behavior. While at the same time condemning myself for any tiny mistake I may have made in any way. I’ve made myself a martyr in personal relationships, sacrificing myself and my feelings. I’ve frankly... done a whole bunch of fucked up things turned inward. The nice thing I suppose, is I don’t do that anymore.... I still make mistakes, and I like to take responsibility for them and make amends or fix them. You can get used to some really fucked up things. Especially when struggling with self worth. I used to think I was useless and undeserving. Today... I’m well aware I’m a PRETTEH PRETTEH GOFF BOI.... I have long time close friends who love me just as much as I do them. I have a wonderful beautiful lovely lady who has my heart and soul whom I want to spend every moment I possibly can with until my bones are dust. Who helped me a great deal over the past couple years or so. Helped me with myself and helped me believe in myself again. Just by being my friend and supporting me while I continue to be the eccentric artist asshole I am. and I have Scrambles... THE MOST CUTEST BLACK KITTEH KAT EVAR. I feel rather lucky to have all I do. I appreciate what I have very very much. I’ve been dealing with Diabetes since I was 11... and had been dealing with Severe Major Depression symptoms since my early 20s. over the past five years I finally started getting help, Turns out I don’t just have diabetes.... I have adhd and some kind of sleep disorder. we’ve been calling it narcolepsy but it’s hard to say exactly, it could be hypersomnia which is a super fancy way of saying I’m fucking always exhausted 24/7 which is pretty accurate. That is usually caused by narcolepsy or something else but... who knows... still trying to figure that part out. I have discovered though that, being fucking exhausted non stop for 20 years will make you very depressed. Sometimes depression makes you tired, and sometimes being tired makes you depressed. When I was a young lad, I gave myself one single life goal.... That was to finish an electro industrial album and play some live shows. I dunno, to some that might not be a big deal.... I never said it had to be “good” after all. But, when I was at a low point dealing with my stuffs, trying to take care of myself... I honestly spent most my days sleeping. I was awake maybe 4 hours a day. Things felt very hopeless, that learned hopelessness made me believe things were pretty much pointless. I would shrug... and talk to my psychiatrist about my suffering in a manner that people talk about the weather. I didn’t even care anymore it was happening. It was “oh well... is what it is.” Until I got angry, it was a good thing I was so frustrated.... because it meant I finally gave a shit again. I wanted to get better and I wanted it to hurry the fuck up. Anyway... I’m just rambling and ranting because I was thinking back a lot after doing a sleep study... probably the first in a series of them. I don’t have apnea so I mean... that’s good. I also got to see what some of my brainwaves look like... I also apparently wake up after dreaming some a lot... I also apparently yelled in the middle of the night hahaha. So back to the whole life goal thing.....my long time friend, who introduced me to shitloads of music and bands and has always been close through good and bad times. Was saying how he knew it was something I’ve always wanted to do, so he wants to help me. He’s starting to help me plan the performance and then later will help me setup my shows and come with me to what will be really awkward and silly first couple gigs I play. An open mic night will be particularly hilarious to me, since instead of hearing shitty rock song covers, it will be an insane goth punk dude screaming distorted vocals to weird electro noises haha. It’s taken a long time to get shit finally going... but... it’s getting there... it’s still going to take a lot more work... on both me and the music. I have countless things I have to do, but I’m just happy I finally got angry enough to scream fuck it... and go for it... I love a lot of various kinds of work. I don’t really fit there very well though. Now that the sleep disorder stuff has become worse over time... it’s not really possible anyway. That’s okay though, since now I’m just doing what I’m actually good at. Eccentric artist asshole has always been my key features. xD So, here’s some photos of me before and during my sleep lab and random enjoyable crap I suppose... and my general mood. It’s been a while.... -The End-

youtube

#Me #Personal #Random #Pointless #Update #THE END

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backstagepasta · 5 years

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Jackson Blue

Today’s blog features my good friend Jackson Blue, the 20 year-old self-proclaimed poet, loop artist, and sound experimentalist from Billings, Montana. Take a peek into his brain and sound.

When did you first begin playing and what inspired you to start?

Well, I started playing ukelele when I was twelve, and that was the first instrument I ever picked up. And that was mainly because I was just listening to the radio all the time and really liked music growing up. So much so that I was singing a lot and just thought that if I played an instrument, that it would be that much cooler.

How do you describe yourself?

I’m just an alien at this point.

People are constantly changing. Everything is constantly changing. How would you say that you’ve changed throughout the years?

That’s good shit. I think I’ve definitely just gotten more mature since I was sixteen, when I really started playing music. I’ve learned so much more about life since then. I’ve met like, hundreds of new people since then, so just having constant new life experiences sort of makes me a different person. Because we can become who we surround ourselves with, but I’m always surrounding myself with different people.

How would you say your music has changed?

How my music has evolved, would be much more boring had it all stayed the same. I mean, I started out just recording really shitty-sounding music on my laptop microphone, and I kind of liked it because the music I was writing was really sad and I was really depressed, so it was like I wanted my music to sound as shitty as I felt at the time. But that was also an excuse to just make music with the setup I had. Yeah, so being able to grow more and also get more equipment over time and become a better writer by practicing and getting better naturally. My style’s kind of evolved to where even the way I write sentences is different now. But it’s cool, it keeps it new. Always fresh. That’s how I like to live my life.

Is there anyone in Billings you have been wanting to collaborate with but have yet to do so?

I would love to make more music. I’d love to write a split album with Parker Brown and just have it as a singer-songwriter type thing, him and I. I’d love to do more things with Alex Nauman. Grant Jones has a really cool style that I could probably collaborate well with. I got to work with Ty Herman already and that was really great. Otherwise, I’m pretty much open to at least jamming with anybody and just see what works out from there. I like to mess around in all different styles.

Is there a show you’ve done that you consider to be your favorite so far?

It would have to be one of the few house shows that I’ve played. Probably any of the house shows that I’ve played, mainly because it’s a much more intimate vibe and you typically know most of the people that are there. They’re all your friends and you’re on the same level as them, meaning you’re not up on a stage, so you’re usually closer to the audience. You also kind of have that comfort of just being inside of a home at the same time.

Any advice for others looking to get into music?

Yeah! If it’s just anyone in general, of any age, I would just say to keep trying to constantly create things whether it’s music-related or not, as long as you’ve got this creative drive and motive to create. If you can pick up a musical instrument after that, you do kind of realize it is just for fun, and you don’t have to be good at it to enjoy it. Start small- start with baby steps, but also just be willing to create create create! As much as you can. And be original.

You told me the other day you joined a band! What is the name of said band, when did you join, and how did that happen?

The band is Skin N Bones. It was actually after a show that I played probably three weeks ago at Mazevo. The guy who was running sound that night is the lead singer slash main guitarist of Skin N Bones. After I finished that show, he just asked me to come jam with his band sometime. So I went and played with them a couple weeks ago, and I’ve been part of the band since.

I’ve compared your vocal sound to others in the past, like the singer for Bad Luck for example. When you get compared to others, does it bother you or do you take it more as a compliment?

I’ll take it as a compliment, yeah. I think it’s cool that someone would compare me to any famously recognized person. That means a lot, yeah. Obviously they had to work hard and sound good to get to their positions, so to be compared to that, I think is cool. I mean, if someone told me I sound like Justin Bieber I’d be like, “No, I don’t.” I guess- well maybe I do, I don’t fucking know. I think I used to sound like Shawn Mendes a bit back in the day.

Top three favorite bands?

Cage the Elephant. The Strokes. And man, I always tie a few bands into the third. It would have to be The Kooks, Spoon, Basement. Those three always come to mind. When I was just figuring out who I was as a teenager, I was listening to music pretty much constantly. Probably listened to music eighteen hours of my 24-hour day. Those were the only bands I listened to for a really long time.

What are your goals for the next six months?

Keep releasing music every month, at least one release a month; keep playing as many shows as I can. Stay alive. Try not to break any bones or lose any teeth. Feed at least one homeless person.

If you could recommend one song of yours to someone who’s never heard of you, which one would it be?

At this point, probably “Overthinking.” It’s the best-produced, it sounds the best I think. •

You can listen to Jackson Blue on Spotify, Soundcloud, Apple Music, and bandcamp.

Follow Jackson on Instagram @ jacksonsballoon.

Upcoming Shows:

- July 12th - Billings, MT @ Craft Local, 8PM

- July 16th - Billings, MT @ Mazevo, 6:30PM

- August 9th, 10th - Dreyfest, Billings, MT

https://open.spotify.com/track/3uHw6b61Tsfa9kwRjBSRpg?si=Sok8qNX0QLidmdnAF0kEsQ

Photo one by Liam McCollum via Jackson; photo two by Chris Lutton via Jackson.

#jackson blue #billings montana #montana #music #musician #music blog #music blogger #lofi #loop artist #poet #billings mt

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sow-ay · 6 years

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"I wish I could" Here's a long blog post about having multiple passions, being frustrated because of that and having mental illness that makes me think negative all the time. I've already been asked to make reviews for books and to share it online to help the writers. It broke my heart but I had to say no because, first of all, I'm incredibly bad at writing articles and I'd put a lot of pressure on myself for that. I don't want to relapse into a depressive episode for a book I'd have to share with people. But that's also mostly because I'd get more demands for reviews and I don't want my account to be about reviews, I prefer sharing my own content. I feel so sorry because I know that would be amazing books by authors that need to be discovered by more people. But, I still think I can share great books I liked and discovered by myself ! Recently, I read in "Share your work" by Austin Kleon that people like to hear the stories behind the work. (but that book didn't taught me a lot besides this, I preferred his book "Steal like an artist"). So I'll share my stories with my drawings if that is okay with you. If not, just don't read it ! The book "How to be Everything" by Emilie Wapnick I finished helped me a lot ! Emilie taught (actually reminded) me that's it's okay to have several passions and to want to practice them all ! That not being the best at something doesn't mean you're mediocre. I'm fighting this thought everyday. That's a simple message but that helped me a lot ! And I also want to remind you that ! This book also reminded me that I simply wanted to create things. Various things in various areas. (get ready for a big talk) There's a little line from a song by Muse that's always in my mind. "I wish I could", from "Stockholm Syndrom" (my favourite Muse song on drums). And I feel like this sums up my entire life. Sometimes I'm thinking about getting it tattooed. This line is in my mind since I stopped school and since I was refused in art schools. I wish so hard I had more time and motivation for all of my passions. And also more money for these ! Passions can cost a lot. In time, energy and money. I feel so frustrated to not be able to make it all. And the internet keeps showing me people achieving a lot more. (or at least that's what my brain tells me). Maybe I just haven't found my balance yet. Or maybe I'm just a lazy mess. You'll see if you read, my thoughts are contradictory. I draw a lot and in various styles because I cannot choose one and love having various projects. I make comics and even self-published one about music, I write and want to make child's books, I try to get better at digital and speed painting to have beautiful illustrations on art shows and to make an amazing artbook someday. I'd also love to draw for music, for tattoos and tons of stuff ! I don't want to limit myself. I'm scared to limit myself. And at the same time scared to look too unstable by doing many things. That makes it harder to define what I do as a creative. I think I'm already bad enough at simply talking, I don't want to add difficulty to this. Oh, and I try to share my thoughts and emotions through that ! That's the only thing that quite works for me when I want to express myself. Also, I'm trying to make a living out of that, I have to admit I'm not at it yet, that's hard (mostly because of my mental illness) and I hope someday I'll success because my illness doesn't let me handle a "real job". I have no idea what to do if all of that doesn't work and that scares the shit out of me. I play drums in a little band with my friends every thursday and that's always one of my favourite moments of the week. I also love concerts. Music is really what makes me feel alive ! I tried a lot to make music on my own and wish I had more time/motivation for this. (I have some old stuff on soundcloud.com/forsakenstar). I bought a guitar 4 years ago because I wanted to own the one my character has in my drawings. It was an expensive one but I loved it, it's a beautiful one. So I started playing guitar for fun and stopped. I lacked patience because learning guitar is super hard. I admire you, dear guitar players ! (then I also I broke my arm and that's still not repaired so the voice in my head tells me that this broken arm thingy is just a damn excuse to not practice, and that I'm a lazy piece of..."). It was A LOT easier for me when I started drums. I also want to learn to play a bit of keyboard. Just a bit so I can feel better creating funny sounds. I already have the keyboard. I have ideas for videos. I already made little things for little work commissions with old coworkers and that always was tons of fun ! I posted some of my experiments on youtube and each time I see it was already some years ago, that kills me. It reminds me how time flies and how I wish I could do more. And how much time I've "wasted" not doing as much as I would like. I have bigger video projects ! But I can't make them because I don't have the locations I need. I bought a VERY EXPENSIVE camera 2 years ago because, I don't know why, I sometimes get crazy and buy stuff that costs a lot. Like the guitar, like the keyboard. (that's also in the cyclothymia symptoms but I don't know if that's just me or the illness) And I often regret it because I need the money for something more important. I've almost never used the camera. But I could use it for my video projects ! For one of the videos I'd like to make I need a big castle to play something with a rich princess. I have the princess (my sis', I'm lucky to have her to help me in my crazy projects, I sometimes call her "Dobby". Yeah, like the house elf. I bought her the pop figure and all!) but if someone here has this castle and would like to invite me, I'd be super happy !! .... (I try, who knows ?). For another one, that would be a musical, I need a choreographer, dancers, amazing musics..

All of that just seems impossible to me. I would also love to make more motion designs ! I tried to make little animations and a lyric video and I loved doing this, I wish I could do more of these ! That's something simple but maybe someday bands will ask me to do that ! I need to practice a bit more before that ! (I'll maybe propose to do some for a really cheap price or something like that to practice more) I also wish I could animate more videos with my drawings ! I tried little stuff like making a character talk or walk and, even if that took time for a little thing, that was fun. Maybe I could try making an animation of that princess or musical project ! Or not. Making a full short film takes years of practice.

I spent TONS of hours learning a bit of all of that. And must still learn a lot in all of these areas. I tried them all. Loved them all. But I end up frustrated because there's so much to do that I get lost ! I always wish I could do more. If I'd have spent that time doing one thing, I'd be a god at it ! And I'm alone in all those projects. I'm so alone and selfish in my projects that I want to do everything by myself. If I wanted to make a full movie. I'd be the director, producer, musician, actor, make the scenario, film it, edit it, ... How could I do that ? How can I be this stupid ? I'm scared to share my projects. If I do share, let's say, a video project, would that make me a director for it ? Woaw, that's so cool ! But I suck, I can't direct something. I've never done that. How could I tell people what to do ? My mental ghost tells me the people I'll share that with will think I'm a pretentious mess making a project that sucks. And that the finished project will suck. Because I lack experience. ("But you never get experience if you don't try !" "yeah I know how stupid my thoughts are and how they manipulate me") I hate giving orders to people. I'd be like "okay, do this your way" even if I know in which way I want it to be. I did this some times. And I always end up frustrated. I'd be a bad director making bad stuff because of that. Why bothering ? That's why I keep my projects to myself. I know how I want it to be, I know I'm not good enough at it, I sometimes still try to make it and I only have myself to blame. Sometimes, I wish I could duplicate myself. Yeah, good idea, to duplicate the self-hate and frustration. Sometimes I regret no having been to school just for the experiment I would've got in group projects. I often tell myself that I should discipline myself a lot more to find a way and time to make it all. Or at least more. I should get more productive everyday. I MUST get more productive every day ! Why am I complaining and not actually DOING IT ?? *$^)_"*ù^. In the end, is that a matter of time or motivation ? Maybe all of that can fit in a week. Maybe I can find a way to enjoy my passions and make a living out of my drawings. But my other voice tells me that I'm too ambitious and that I cannot really do all of this. How could I do all of that and have a pay every month ? That's ridiculous. I always feel that all of my personal work is a waste of energy as I can't even have enough money to live every month. Would people still follow me if I share tons of various stuff ? Won't I annoy them with content they don't want ? (maybe some of you will say no) But can I do all of that ? I don't know. Damn. Can't I just shut up and do more ?? Can't I just stop thinking like that ? Unfortunately, a lot of the time I wish I had ends up eaten by my mental illness. Welcome into my head ! My brain ALWAYS thinks negatively. Even if I have an ambitious project, my brain will show me only how pointless it is and how that will fail. That's what the illness does. Sometimes it's so strong that I depress and cannot do anything for days. I fight the idea that I suck every minute of every day. And being a "jack of all trades" is hard because you don't have ONE thing to remind you that you're good at it. And I try to fight that everyday through my projects. Every thing I create is a little victory. So I want to do more and more and more and more [...]. I want to share more with people. I know I shouldn't be that hard on myself. But I just don't know how not to be. My mental illness feels like an excuse. After all that time, I still don't believe I'm ill and just think I suck. Well, that's it. Maybe you understand my frustration now. Or maybe just think (like I do) that I should shut up and work more. Sorry about this long post. I'll probably regret writing this in 2 days. If you read all of this, you get 15% more awesome !! (and sorry if I made mistakes !)

#artist #multipotentialite #jack of all trades #art

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tessatechaitea · 4 years

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Aquaman #1

In 1994, Aquaman was reduced to playing at State Fairs with only 1/3 of his original band.

It's as if the cover artist was only told that Aquaman would have long hair in this series three minutes before the cover was due. Or maybe Aquaman's insane hair is simply there to distract from whatever the fuck is going on with his legs. I know he loses a hand in this series but I didn't know he started off missing his left leg below the terribly misshapen thigh. Don't look so shocked that I own an Aquaman comic book! Think of it more as owning a Peter David comic book. And even Peter David couldn't keep me reading Aquaman because I only have two issues of this series. Cue King Beauregard linking to Ookla the Mok's song, "Arthur Curry," in the Disqus comment section. It's seems crazy to me that Aquaman has the worst costume of any major DC hero and yet he doesn't wear his underwear on the outside. Think about how unappealing the 1986 camouflage Aquaman suit must have been if editorial decided to go back to this orange and green eyesore? If I had been editing this comic book in 1994, I would have put this copy on the cover: "This isn't your father's Aquaman! This Aquaman is your father!" How did "long hair on an old guy with a full beard" translate into "Aquaman is super cool now, kids!"? I probably should just put this comic book back in its protective casing rather than read it since it's one of the few comic books I own that might be worth something. It's definitely in mint condition (or near mint since, you know, I breathed on it), probably because I never actually read it. I don't know for sure that I read it but it is an Aquaman comic book so Vegas is giving pretty shitty odds on my having read it. Unless I mean good odds? Which odds are good and which odds are bad? I would say shitty odds are things like winning one dollar for every five dollars bet. But that just means the odds of winning are good so that probably means they're good odds, right? So maybe read the opposite of what I wrote in that Vegas odds sentence.

"They" have never had a wet dream, apparently.

That previous caption might sound like I've eaten my own semen while having a wet dream but I totally didn't. That previous sentence might sound like I'm protesting too much but I don't know what that means and, anyway, you tasted your semen during your wet dream! Aquaman hopes he's dreaming but he can feel and taste and smell and remember and read, so he's pretty sure he's about to die. The way I know I'm dreaming is that when a dream becomes increasingly uncomfortable or horrific, I often think, "You know what? I bet this is just a dream!" And then I wake up. Which is totally a mistake! I need to train my brain to stop waking up once I realize I'm dreaming and start taking control of the dream. Although I'm not sure how enjoyable a dream would be if I were consciously in control of it. Then it's not a realy dream anymore and it just becomes an IMAX daydream. The great thing about dreams is that they're surprising. It's the only way a person can truly surprise themselves. Hallucinogenics help a bit but you're still in some kind of control. I once thought I invented comic books and that Jupiter was following me around a strip club parking lot while on mushrooms but I've never fucked a vampire as the sun rose and turned her to dust while I orgasmed like I've done in my dreams! Hey, some of my dreams might be problematic or completely gross but I didn't approve them! Like the one where I murdered the old lady so I could live in her house but I didn't want things to seem too suspicious by covering it up so I just propped her corpse up in the corner of the living room. Or the time a friend made me a personalized flavor of Moon Pie called "Murdered Baby's Soul." Dreams are like presidential campaign ads that don't have the candidate saying, "I approve this ad!", at the end of it.

Aquaman was dreaming. Also, he sleeps in a regular bed with sheets and blankets in a cave under the ocean. I would have had him sleeping in a giant clam shell with a manta ray comforter.

Garth visits Aquaman in his cave which isn't full of water so I guess the bed is forgivable. But it doesn't explain why Aquaman was floating over the bed tangled in his sheets. Maybe that will be explained in the post-Zero Hour continuity. Aquaman hasn't been seen in weeks and hasn't been answering his JL pager (Ha ha! Old technology! So funny!) so Aqualad has gone looking for him. He finds Aquaman sitting in his own filth and coral. He probably heard one too many jokes about speaking with fish and he's had it with topsiders.

Aquacave?! Guess who has Bat-Penis envy!

Garth was worried about Arthur and has come to help him which is why he begins screaming at him and pushing him around. I know being berated and treated like shit is the only way I've ever gotten any kind of breakthroughs in therapy. Garth and Arthur get in a fight and the art confirms that the cave is definitely filled with water. So that bed really doesn't make any fucking sense at all. At least it confirms that Aquaman isn't possessed by the devil. After Garth gets his ass kicked, Aquaman begins to feel better and is ready to go on an adventure with Aqualad. Oh, so that was Aqualad's plan! Smart kid whose willing to take a severe beating from a friend just to put a smile on their face. I never would have thought of that. I would have thought, "My friend is really feeling down! I should be empathetic and compassionate while listening to them vent their problems!" But now Peter David has taught me another way. Punch my depressed friends in the face so that they can have a good time fighting back! This is a game changer! Aqualad is on a military mission for the United States Government. A nuclear submarine has been sunk and it's lying too low on the ocean's bottom for the military to deal with it. For some reason, they think Aquaman, being the water guy, can handle a submarine leaking radioactive material. I'm just going to assume Superman was still dead at this point and Batman's back was still broken. I don't know why Wonder Woman wouldn't have been tasked for this mission unless it's just because the U.S. military is full of sexist jerks. Aquaman and Aqualad begin to investigate the ship when they're attacked by Lupo the Butcher.

Does Garth die?! That would make this Aquaman series cool!

Murder Chef was the one who requested Aquaman be sent on this mission. If the military didn't acquiesce, he was going to blow the nuclear submarine apart. I knew it was fucking suspicious that the military asked Aquaman for help! Even Aquaman should have known better! Aquaman is captured by Murder Chef who introduces himself as Charybdis. He wants Aquaman for his life force or something. Previous to capturing Aquaman, he's been draining Dolphin of her life force. I don't know anything about Dolphin except that she had nice nipples in her Who's Who entry. Let me dig it out and show you.

That diver just came in his scuba suit.

Don't be surprised or creeped out that this fact was lurking in my memory. I grew up in the pre-Internet era! You had to find sexually stimulating material wherever you could! And you were fucking grateful for it! This was as great a find as the succubus or the Type V demon in the D&D Monster Manual. Hell, I even jerked off to the Caryatid Columns in Fiend Folio! Aquaman #1 Rating: B. I might have given this issue an A+ but Dolphin lacked the visible nipples I'm used to her character exhibiting. But this issue still gets a worthy B because Garth was left bleeding in the ocean while the sharks circled. He's totally going to die, right? Although I never purchased Issue #3 so I'm guessing I was disappointed that Garth didn't die. Still, you'd think Aquaman losing his hand (spoiler for next issue!) would have kept me intrigued. I bet in 1994, I read this series and was all, "Fucking Aquaman! Like anybody actually cares about the environment! Fucking virtue signaler! [Sorry I Coined the Term "Manic Pixie Dream Virtue Signaler" in 1994 by Me] His excess of caring makes me love oil and corporations now! It's his fault I'm such a selfish asshole!" Man, I was pretty cool in 1994. Now I'm almost 100% pure virtue signaler! Oh, Aquaman! I judged thee by my youth alone and could not see past your idiotic power to speak with fish to lay my sight upon the wisdom of your passionate defense of our only world!

#Aquaman #Peter David #DC Comics #DC #Martin Egeland #Brad Vancata

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rewrite-the-wrongs · 4 years

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ever get in a fight with your own brain? / ADHD & RSD

I spoke in my first post about the pace at which I create, and the constant mental back-and-forth I go through when reading or writing. The thing I didn’t mention, though, is that it can take a nearly-insurmountable effort to get to the point that I’m actually producing anything.

For instance: After I wrote the first two sentences of this post and four words of the next, I left my computer on my bed and went to have a shit. While there, I spent about fifty minutes on my phone (it’s no wonder I have fucking hemorrhoids, my poor butthole). Even as I continue typing now, I can’t stop flipping to other tabs. Sometimes I even pick up my phone and look at the same fucking apps I have open in Chrome.

I spent about three years talking with a therapist about this same issue nearly every week. She would ask me, “Easy, do you still want to be a writer?” and I would feel this horrible knot in my stomach, like if I said Yes I would be lying, even though that’s just not the case. No matter what I would press through the discomfort and say, “Yes. This is what I want. It’s what I love.” But something in my assertion felt hollow.

The question becomes: Why? Why in the living hell does my brain try so goddamn hard to prevent me from doing a thing that I spent countless hours practicing as a child straight up through my early twenties? Why has it taken me so long--I’m 27 now--to get back on the horse, even when I know that holding all of this creativity in can very literally make me ill?

I present to you an article a friend of mine shared a while back, and the first time I considered the very real possibility that I’m dealing with ADHD that is most certainly comorbid with my depression and anxiety:

https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria#1

That’s a rudimentary rundown of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), a common symptom of ADHD. Basically, rejection (perceived or genuine) can trigger a stress response, which subsequently can lead to extreme emotional responses to said rejection.

Nobody likes to be rejected, but this shit takes it a step further, into a place that can be utterly debilitating. When I try to get creative, I often freeze up or get incredibly sad after a short time working. This is because, on some semiconscious level, I’ve convinced myself my writing will be rejected before anybody’s ever had the chance to read it. I completely overwhelm myself with the idea of an audience--I can’t help but think about how hard it is to be published, or how huge the internet is and how easy it is to be drowned out in a sea of voices, or how my absurdly limited human brain can’t possibly come up with something nobody’s thought of before.

This issue becomes even worse when I have a personal connection to my audience. I went to school for writing, and I was surrounded by talented people, some of whom I’ve maintained contact with. Many of them publish pieces in lit mags or online pretty frequently, and a couple have books out. I’ve contacted two of them directly to ask about writing reviews/essays on their work, and they’ve enthusiastically said yes. Unfortunately--and predictably, if you’re following along--that’s as far as I’ve gotten. Those messages both went out some two years ago.

I actually came out to one of those two writers on a whim recently, and mentioned/apologized for the lack of review--and she’d forgotten about it completely.

It used to be that most of my rejection sensitivity was aimed at my lack of social grace. I was a pretty hapless kid, lost in my own thoughts, almost never tracking the conversation around me. I would frequently offer non sequitur distractions in class, to the chagrin of my teachers and often my classmates. I can distinctly recall many occasions during which I

1) Patiently waited with my hand up for ten solid minutes, thinking only about whatever random fact or opinion the conversation had brought to mind;

2) Relayed said fact or opinion;

3) Was corrected or chastised, either by the teacher or kids around me or both;

4) Put my head down on my desk and began to quietly cry and hope nobody would ever look at me again.

But it wasn’t just in the classroom that I struggled to be social. Cue an image of me watching at least a solid hundred kids and parents do the Cha Cha Slide while I sat entirely alone in a corner of the gym. Cue an image of another gym, where I was watching my younger sister and several friends play in our elementary school’s steel drum band alongside every band in our county’s program; all of the players gathered on bleachers opposite our audience bleachers, and a few non-players traipsed over to sit and socialize, and I sat there thinking about crossing that gym the entire time I was there. Cue an image of a moment at a swimming pool when I misspoke and offended a friend-of-a-friend, and tried to make myself apologize but just sat there and felt queasy, and I never found the courage to speak to either person again.

When I got to high school, things got worse before they got better. I became so stressed out by rejection that I began vomiting simply because I was around somebody I was attracted to who didn’t reciprocate my feelings. In the span of maybe two months, I dropped from a hundred eighty pounds to about one-fifteen. RSD literally nearly killed me.

At this point I was writing fervently, producing upwards of a hundred thousand words between a few different shitty novel concepts. My art was the one place I could go that rejection couldn’t touch me, the one thing I would share with anybody who would have a look. I enrolled in those writing workshop classes I mentioned last post. Whenever I had a spare moment that wasn’t reserved for video games or books or my eventual girlfriend, I was creating. And my brain and I kept at it that way for years.

This is the internet, so you’ve heard of the Dunning-Kruger Effect, yeah?

I found myself very firmly at the peak Mt. Ignorance when I entered college. My high school program had prepared me extremely well, and before long I was singled out by more than one professor, and even a couple upperclassmen. It went to my head quickly.

Enter a very tumultuous, extremely unhealthy relationship that began with me cheating on my high school sweetheart (no way that could go wrong). By the start of spring semester, this older woman realized she’d invented a version of me in her head I couldn’t possibly live up to, and I--being a deeply closeted egg, still, and steeped in learned misogyny--collapsed in on myself and turned into a borderline stalker for a couple of months. (I have since apologized, and we’re still in touch, albeit it very, very distantly.)

I deeply internalized this rejection, to the point that I started to denigrate myself as an artist, and my brain connected RSD more inextricably to my writing. When I hit sophomore year, my confidence had begun to waver, and even though I was still learning and improving, by the time I was a junior that confidence had all but dissolved. I was flat on my ass in what a political scientist friend of mine calls THE VALLEY OF DESPAIR, or the trough at the very bottom of the Dunning-Kruger curve.

This lack of confidence culminated in an independent study that I should have failed. It was spring semester of my junior year. I had the opportunity to work one-on-one with my favorite professor and, in my opinion, the most talented writer we had to learn from. But I was nearly out of creative energy, and I found it nearly impossible to write anything I felt would be good enough, especially for someone I idolized so intensely. I wound up sending him stories I’d written for a fiction workshop the semester before, and even then I wasn’t able to complete the course. That professor left my grade unmarked until I graduated, at which point he aced me out of what was probably a mixture of pity and a need to keep our small private school’s GPA high.

Senior year, I found poetry, which gave me the opportunity to produce less in terms of volume. I stayed in poetry the whole year, and wrote less than I had since I was eight. When I left school, I stalled out almost entirely.

This is all a rather long-winded way of saying that my brain is my own worst enemy when it comes to writing. RSD leaves me prone to catastrophizing everything, and the general trajectory of my life felt downward for a long time.

But I went to therapy, and I came out to my partner just about a year ago now, and I’m happier every day. I’m relearning the patience with myself and my artistic process. I’m pushing myself to keep learning and gaining experience and knowledge. I’ve got a couple different creative projects going. And I’m here on Tumblr, blogging for the second time in a week (ish--where the hell are the time stamps on these posts?!).

Every time I start to feel the crushing weight of the world above me--every time I feel like I’ll never climb out of the Valley of Despair, like I couldn’t possibly contribute anything good to the world--I’m going to remind myself of this image:

TL;DR: Fuck you, brain. You’re not the boss of me. I’m a writer, and I will remain one. And my writing is for me. Any other readers are a bonus.

Much love, y’all--

Easy

#writing #ADHD #RSD #Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria #process #creativity #diary

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khoistop100 · 7 years

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#52 Doris - Earl Sweatshirt

I always appreciate when you can listen to a song by an artist and tell which album it came from. Like, for the majority of Green Day’s early discography, up to Warning I’d say, I couldn’t tell you what album any given song by them is on because they’re music wasn’t really evolving at a drastic rate. Each album’s sound blended into the next. Now, bands like Arctic Monkeys and newer Kanye West feature separate, different sounds on each album; no songs on Humbug feature the immature, rebellious sound of Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not just as none of the techno-infused tracks on 808’s and Heartbreak sound like the braggadocios Graduation (except for maybe Amazing but I digress).

Earl Sweatshirt certainly fits into the “every album is different” category, which puts me in a weird spot. Earl is my favorite rapper and I Don’t Like Shit, I Don’t Go Outside is one of my favorite albums, but the sound on his earlier works is different, causing me to almost resent it in a way. The logical part of my brains understands that these albums came first and are vital points in Earl’s progression. On the other hand, the dumb, caveman part of me simply wants more music in the world that sounds like I Don’t Like Shit and Solace (which I’ll get to at the end of this review).

It’s not like Earl’s earlier works don’t sound like Earl, in fact I’d say he sounds pretty unique on Doris (I can’t really comment on his mixtape, Earl. I don’t think I ever got through it all the way, which is weird to think about since he is my favorite rapper and all. Just wasn’t for me I guess). It’s just not I Don’t Like Shit and that’s affects the way I listen to the album. Luckily, it wasn’t too long ago that Doris was the only Earl I had listened to aside from his feature on Super Rich Kids by Frank Ocean, and I can remember what about Doris made me fall for the Odd Future graduate. To put things simply, Earl is really good at rapping. More specifically, I love the way Earl rhymes. It’s bars like “Prior to arriving to the studio, eyes glued to a gluteus maximus” off the track 20 Wave Caps and “You Know me, drugs out, front the telly, I’m couch-crunk and ready to fuck, count fetti and bucks” off of Molasses that show what Earl was about which is dope, intricate, immature rhymes. And when I say that the lines are immature it isn’t a slight, that was the vibe coming from the entire Wolf Gang outfit at the time. They were brash and vulgar and having fun being famous on the internet and, most importantly, they were really young. Earl was only nineteen when Doris dropped. I am nineteen. To think that millions of people are hearing what you create is wild.

Earl’s bars aren’t the only good thing he has going for him on Doris. One of my favorite things about Earl is that he produces as well as he raps and some of the music on this album is great (see tracks two through eight). The run of tracks four through six are some of the best music Earl has made. Sunday features the most beautiful boy in the world, Frank Ocean, with this spooky beat and remorseful verse from Earl and actual bars from Frank (and boy do I love when Frank raps I love everything he does), who addresses the Chris Brown moment at the Grammys perfectly. Hive is Earl’s most impressive song writing wise. It’s really clear that he’s someone who is inspired by MF Doom, as Earl’s rhyming and off balance/kind of on beat rapping style seems like a direct descendants of Doom’s. Also, I still lose it a little whenever Earl says, “So here I sit, eye in the pyramid/ God spit it like it’s truth serum in that beer and then/ disappear again, reappear bearded/ on top of a leer, steering it into the kids’ ear again.” Hive also features an incredible Vince Staples feature (one of Vince’s many incredible features and the first feature that started the “Vince is significantly better on other people’s songs” conspiracy theory I’ve been developing. Which is wild, because his music is so good. His features are just that much better). Finally, Chum, which is a first look at the deep dive into depression that would consume Earl’s later works. He talks about the struggles of his personal life, from growing up without a father to the difficulties of being in Wolf Gang and the fame that comes from it. Together, the songs create this seamless, timeless run that belongs in my personal pantheon of music.

The album still has flaws though, even aside from simply not sounding like Earl’s later works. For one, the album’s quality drops off after track eight, meaning that the entire last half of the album is underwhelming. Additionally, the album is inundated with features. Only three of the songs don’t have a feature and one of those songs, 523, is an instrumental. Some of those features are great: Domo Genesis on 20 Waves Caps, Frank on Sunday, Vince on Hive, and Tyler on Sasquatch. Yet, when your favorite rapper has an album you want to hear as much of that rapper as you can (after all, it’s usually takes a while for artists to drop music unless your name is Jeffery/Young Thug how does he make so much music goddam).

I shouldn’t judge this album for the fact that it isn’t as developed as Earl’s later works, I realize that. Still, even though I think that this album is severely lacking compared to I Don’t Like Shit, it’s a thoroughly rap album and, most importantly, is Earl! I like that guy a lot, which brings me to…

52.5 Solace

Super quick review on Earl’s ten minute, mini-album Solace. If you picture the transition from Doris to I Don’t Like Shit, I Don’t Go Outside as taking a step down into the darkness, Solace is what you hear as you’re falling and tumbling down the stairs. It feels disorganized and chaotic and every time you think you’ve found solid ground the beat shifts and you’re floating again. It might be my favorite ten minutes of music Earl has put out and it’s up there for top ten minutes of music ever. Worth a listen if you are sad and if you want to try something more experimental or if you care about me as a person.

#earl sweatshirt #solace #doris #rap #music reviews

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gigsoupmusic · 5 years

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mmmonika making happy songs for sad people - Interview

Los Angeles based band mmmonika is a group five friends that all happen to be incredibly talented musicians. Ryan Yoo started the band and brought in people that were friends first. One member of the band Gabe Durastanti was invited to the band before they even knew he played an instrument. Another Nick Velez is Ryan's roommate and the other half of their alt-R&B duo Common Souls. Grant Milliken and John DeBold are both multi-talented musicians that Ryan had worked with, or known in music school and the five to them come together to make up mmmonika. That background of the group is important because it is what I believe makes mmmonika special. Having a unique energy their upbeat music brings your mind to moments with friends. The music almost transports you to happy times at a backyard pool party, spike ball on the beach with your friends, or any number of fun memories you have. Describing their music as "happy songs for sad people" the lyrics often include subjects around depression and anxiety that is approached in a fun way. I asked Ryan more about this and he described "I write a lot of them (songs) by myself like the music and lyrics and so they tend to be as I mentioned like the lyrics are all like very sad, sad sack type of thing. But when I am with the boys and the band is all together it's just like the vibes that emerges is fully just friendship" That connection is something you can feel, and is contagious when listening to their music. It is something special and the music mmmonika creates truly does bring you to a happy place. Mmmonika has an ability to approach vulnerable topics in an upbeat way, of this style of songwriting Ryan says "I suppose part of the dream is like even if it is just one person that is experiencing something similar to what I experienced, I want them to be able to be like or show them that there is somebody else that is living with that as well." From listening I believe that dream is already becoming a reality as these relatable lyrics and creative visuals they create make one feel less alone, and make sad times happy. Read the full transcript from my interview with Ryan Yoo from mmmonika. We talk about how to pronounce mmmonika and how they became a band, the creation and concepts of their amazing videos, singing happy songs for sad people, their new video directed by Amber of f(x), karaoke, and so much more. I'm with Ryan from mmmonika and Ryan I have been listening to you guys all week and the music is really fun. I read on twitter that the band has three m's because it's extra delicious but how is it pronounced? Do you really go mmmmmm-onika or just say it straight up? Ryan: Um well that is a topic of hot debate within the band...the majority of us just do straight up Monika. But a couple others call it triple Monika which was begun by our friend Sachi from the band Joy Again. He started that and it just kind of caught and now it's been a hot debate. This is how religions split. (Laughs) That is funny and so mmmonika started out a bit as a side project and is quickly becoming more. Two of you from the band Ryan you and Nick have been making music together with Common Souls and so how did mmmonika come to be? Ryan: Yeah yeah. Well mmmonika... so it's myself and Nick in Common Souls and basically the way that we make music is just really meticulous and with like a lot of micro production and the process is just generally really slow and arduous. So I was feeling kind of burnt out creatively and so one day I was supposed to track vocals for a common souls song and Nick was leaving the house and said "hey man you're going to get that shit done right?" and I was like "Oh yeah yeah yeah, totally totally." He left the house, came back four hours later and asks if I got the vocals done and I tell hime "Nah, but I made this!" I showed him the first ever mmmonika song and he told me um "hey don't waste your time" then three days later he comes to me and was like "hey man, actually can you play me that song one more time?" So yeah it kind of just started like that. It was kind of like the equivalent for me of just like taking a musical shit after just being like really backed up. I was just thinking fuck I've got to do something. And so the something was to just set the bar really low, stop being a perfectionist and just go like first impulse - best impulse. That is how all the songs are currently being made and it has been just shutting the brain off and making music really. Thats so sick and what was that first song you showed him? Ryan: um the first song it was called bitches 1. The band was initially called Bitches and it was just me and I asked myself what describes this band? So it became Bitches but then after four more fully grown white men joined the band bitches became really aggressive so we changed it to mmmonika. But bitches 1 that songs not out yet but the second song we ever made was the first single we released which was called 'see me on the outside!' which was initially named bitches 2. Um yeah that was the concept at first is the band was called Bitches and every song was called bitches and we were going to make every single song five minutes in length and so if you go to Spotify or Apple Music and try to play your favorite song you're not going to know which ones which because they are all called bitches and they are all five minutes long. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3wBT3YIRx0 (Laughs) That is incredible. So you said you changed the name when the four other white dudes joined that band and so how did they come into the band? Ryan: So Nick was kind of the first one that I swept into it. We live together and we work together pretty closely so it was easy enough to ask him if he wants to do this with me and that was all it was. From there, I was just thinking about who it would be really fun to do this with? Nick and I both went to music school and we know some incredible incredible musicians but I proposed the criteria of who we want in the band was like not even necessarily on musical ability it was like intuition and good feeling I suppose. Like "Who am I going to be able to spend a lot of time with and like actually enjoy it and see a relationship like budding?" It was kind of like what does it feel like when a group of people get together and that's what I was thinking. So one of the guys in the band Gabe who is the cute one in the band. We inducted him into the band without even knowing if he played an instrument (laughs). It is a true story we were just like "Hey want to be in a band?" and he was like "sure" and it just so happens that he is an incredibly talented artist, vocalist, writer, and producer and so we lucked out there. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wzf4UE7ODn8 (Laughs) No way. That is so funny. If you guys need a sixth member I have no musical abilities but can bring an element of fun and so... Ryan: Oh Incredible! It is great to talk to you, you're already highly qualified. So then how did John and Grant get involved? Ryan: So John is this fantastic fantastic producer and I've known him for a little bit. So part of how John got involved is we had been hanging out and stuff, he works for this incredible producer named Ariel Rechtshaid who works for a company called Heavy Duty. So I called and emailed Heavy Duty one day and just to be like "yo I love your guys' stuff. I'd love to work for you for free." So they introduced me to John and John and I have remained friends since then and so when I started the band John was one of the first people I thought of to bring in because he is just a solid solid guy and in addition to be really skilled at production and having a really good sense for songs. Grant is one of the guys that Nick and I went to school with. He is actually a vibraphone player but I guess that those talents translated really naturally to the keys. He is probably the best pure musician of the group. Actually without a doubt he is. He is like fucking absurdly talented, so so good. He is like he's pretty fluent in a number of interments. So he is not even like a double threat or triple threat he is a fucking times twenty threat... yeah! It's a great thing. It's really cool hearing how you guys came together. You describe your music as happy music for sad people. What do you mean by that? Ryan: Um all of the songs are very upbeat. I really just designed them to be like just fun and gratifying to sing. If you pay attention to the lyrics they are all like about depression and anxiety. So that is exactly what it is, it's happy music for sad people. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdaSI7oN42E I love that, and how they really are happy songs about topics like depression and anxiety and mmmonika does that really well. Not only are your songs happy but I watched all of the mmmonika videos and all of it was so creative and artistically done. I watched the one for 'Unwind Me!' which was also going alone with what you talked about with depression and 4 AM can't sleep being away with your thoughts. Then the video is so fun and upbeat and you guys are throwing instruments in a pool and all of this wildly creative stuff, and even the lyric videos are very artistic. So what do these videos mean for mmmonika as well as the music? Ryan: Thank you so much for watching and asking that! I really appreciate it. Um with the lyric videos kind of to me it is just a way of presenting the song but the thing with a lot of the mmmonika songs is I write a lot of them by myself like the music and lyrics and so they tend to be like as I mentioned like the lyrics are all like very sad, sad sack type of thing. But when I am with the boys and the band is all together it's just like the vibes that emerges is fully just like friendship and like dry ass humor (laughs). Friendship and dry humor that's for sure. So I feel like that is what I want to communicate with the videos is just like what it is like to be with us. Just a bunch of boys that are fun to be around. And I think all the boys are pretty cute... if presented with the opportunity I would date any and every one of them (laughs). So we just want to present what it is like to hang out with us I suppose. When I am making like those videos and shit like for me one of the biggest criteria is I want to be able to look at it and catch myself smiling because it feels like what it feels like to hang out with them and it's always like such a blast. So that's that. With the lyric videos I suppose I kind of just wanted to have a concept for each one. So the very first one for 'see me on the outside!' I just wanted to present Nick and almost make like a dating profile for him in a way. He was telling me about Hinge and I was just like "Shiiiiiiiiiiiit I got this man. I got you." (laughs) and that was the idea there. For the second lyric video with 'Unwind Me!' I don't know what I was thinking actually. I just thought it would be funny if I just tried to do pushups like as many as I could and I just discovered how extremely out of shape I was (laughs). It felt right I suppose. Then the 'Swamp Time!' video was actually the first thing we ever shot for the band. The Swamp Time video and I was just thinking how John and Gabe are hard not to look at, I just want to have their face on it. The idea with that one was just make a really shitty tutorial about how to write a song like because there is like these great YouTube you could learn anything you know? So there are these great drum videos and they have like a camera on the left hand and on the right hand so you can like pick up technique. Then they have a camera on the foot and all this stuff. My idea with that one and the 'see me on the outside!' video was if we could make these tutorial videos that are completely ineffectual. We have those separate cameras with the close ups but they are actually even smaller than they appear in the wide shots. So the goal is to make a tutorial video that nobody can use (laughs). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_1PyiLIDyQ (Laughs) That's incredible. You guys are fun and funny man. I joked earlier about being a sixth member of the band and I don't think I'm the only one but like when watching the videos it is like you guys are like five guys that I think anyone watching would be like "I want to be friends with these guys." Ryan: Oh man that's awesome. I really appreciate that. Of course and along with the videos we talked about you have an upcoming video for 'Swamp Time!' you did and it was directed by Amber from f(x) the popular K-Pop group. How did that happen and how would you describe the video that's coming soon? Ryan: Yeah Amber is like my childhood friend. We like literally decided together that we were going to go into music and just do the fucking thing. Like in her childhood bedroom we were learning guitar, learning Blink-182 songs. We spent a lot of time learning 'Always' from the Blink-182 self titled album. We always loved that album amongst many others. But yeah Amber is just one of the most like consistent and loving friends and also just like amongst people that I know that have been in the music industry for a long time and especially like in the music industry in Korea which tends to be like really intense and like terrifying, she is just like one of the sweetest and brightest souls that I know and so I've very very thankful to count her as a friend. But Amber she like herself is kind of like a force of nature and is just like extremely extremely fun and charismatic. So like in a weird way like everything I wanted mmmonika to be Amber kind of is like her own version of that. Just somebody who is like endlessly fun to be around. So I thought it would make a lot of sense and I hit her up and it was a perfect storm of really mundane things. She happened to be in town, Gabe in the band happened to be painting his room, and it happened to be summer and just like hot as fuck still. I bought like a lake floaty, like a giant floaty that you can fit six to eight people in. We just put all of these things together and brought Amber to Gabe's house and we all painted his room and we just built a music video around us like actually painting his room for him. We set up the floaty in his backyard as well (laughs). You'll see all of that. In all of your answers you have really spoken glowingly of these people and talked about these deeper sounding friendships, your lyrics a lot focus around depression and anxiety and so how have these core friendships helped you as you have been all navigating the music industry together? Ryan: Oh my gosh friendship is everything baby. Friendship is the sauce. Like literally everything that I am doing like I for sure would not be able to do this on my own. Especially not on like the sail that I'm shooting for. I, myself, I have bi-polar disorder and so that's like where a lot of those songs come from is like me kind of like I guess trying to subconsciously like stream of consciousness like processing what I deal with there. That is where a lot of lyrics of the songs come from. But then like I guess part of the dream is I have received so much like love and support from my friends in the band, everyone in the band they were friends like first and foremost and we all just so happened to be musicians. So like with the mmmonika lyrics like a lot of them can be kind of raw like with 'Swamp Time!' especially if you like look closely (laughs) it's dark shit. But I suppose like part of the dream is like even if it is just one person that is experiencing something similar to what I experienced, I want them to be able to be like or show them that like there is somebody else that is living with that as well. And I like am able to laugh at it and I hope that it like breeds them to be able to do so. So let it be known I would be nothing without my friends. I am nothing without my friends. I have this questions I ask in every interview and it is about karaoke. I find it so interesting what actual musicians take on karaoke is on if they do it and what their go-to song is? So do the boys of mmmonika do karaoke? and if so what are your go-to songs? Ryan: Wow dude! That would be sick! I don't know if anybody in the band actually does karaoke except me. I definitely do, but it is because I'm Korean and Korean people fucking love karaoke. There is this thing called nolaebang which translates to song room. It is like a bunch of Korean people just go together and get fucking blasted and just sing songs like terrible songs and sing as badly as they can. Pretty much over like the last six years I have been going and just like not singing. I think I kill the vibe when I do because I'm like a vocalist. So nobody really wants to hear me actually sing. But prior to that my go-to was definitely Kelly Clarkson and the other go-to was One Direction. Both of whom are two of my favorite artists. I love One Direction they are one of my biggest inspirations. Oh yeah One Direction! So good! Ryan: They are so good! They are so fucking good! Their shit is like really underrated because everyone thinks that they are boy band with shitty pop music...it's not! It's masterfully crafted, it's beautifully done. But yeah so good. I love it so much. It bleeds into so much of what I do with mmmonika. My last question is just about what is next for mmmonika? What can we expect as far as new music? Ryan: New Music is coming very soon! We will be releasing our first EP 'Very American' soon. We have a second EP we are working on that we are keeping quiet for now. Then we will be dropping a full length album after that. Our goal is to have 50 mmmonika songs out by the end of 2020, and not 50 shit songs, but 50 slimy slappers. Check out more from mmmonika on their website, Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. https://open.spotify.com/artist/2kYklIrGwKMyDuVt6RiWgD?si=qaHRNTVXR1Ww89PVrFmoQA Read more GIGsoup articles below: https://www.gigsoupmusic.com/interviews/matt-and-kim-talk-grand-album-and-their-upcoming-grand-ten-year-celebration-tour-interview/ https://www.gigsoupmusic.com/reviews/gigs/judah-the-lion-express-live-columbus-oh-us-5th-september-2019/ https://www.gigsoupmusic.com/interviews/silver-pools-shares-the-new-psych-inspired-synthpop-single-a-kiss-for-the-swimmer/ Read the full article

#commonsouls #FX #mmmonika

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convndrums · 7 years

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here the FAWK she ( the semi-finished masterlist of all my characters ) is ! took way too long but hopefully as you proceed to click on the linque below you’ll know why smh but yep ! i’ll be adding their pages on my account when i’m done with them soon i hope and maybe come back with a bunch of connections for each character but for now this is all i got & smash this like or im me for plots i’d love to get on those finally xx

reintroducing amanda wheeler; intro & info page.

queen of irony. rich post- faux country gal who’s a loud homosexual and writes hetero fics/has an indie het smut for the absolute shits and giggles. dates a married woman she’s utterly in love with and will pull the life support cord for. said to be possessed by a possessed flapper. cute and knows it even though she looks like a republican. socially open & everywhere. morally grey.

reintroducing imogen yates; intro & info page. ( tw violence )

the grey area between your mom friend and your drunk aunt. happily vegan & owns a vegan restaurant called the fork, alt. the vegan cult’s lair. won’t kill you, but will convince you she really wants to. local brat tamer. minds her business via minding others. clashed head-first into nature’s very own reset button: amnesia. used to be satan and traumatized everyone. disgustingly active and accomplishing.

reintroducing ethan holland; intro & info page. ( tw suicide )

he is a sk8r boi, she said see ya later boy ( and meant it. they’re dating now. hey lourdes ! ) a nice person, so nice he doesn’t realize how fake he sounds/is. a certified headass. previously a bully/bully enabler, current guilty fuck. #torn. does the most for his loved ones. doesn’t remember his own birthday. googled foot fetishes once. trolls stan twitter with his fake selena gomez stan account when tumblr crashes. burned a sue of cide note with his name scribbled on it.

reintroducing sebastian miller; intro & info page ( tw violence )

kazimer sokolov whom. russian ex-cult member well-adjusted into a mundane life via lies, a fake canadian accent he’s ‘trying to get rid of’, being a twilight saga aficionado and a dickwad, a lame record store and a tumblr blog to keep himself sane by maintaining a general aesthetic and shitting on people and every discourse out there. knives/books sniffer. allegedly fucked a moose. probably kinkshames as a way to deal with his own “kinks” aka please keep the dead bodies away. ( im kidding i swear but [redacted] )

reintroducing prudence zima; intro & info page ( tw death )

parents died in a fire when she was two months old and it shows. idolizes avril lavigne & her favorite movie is lords of dogtown for aesthetics references. dude. social leech or effortless networker ? both. remains in her lane regardless. cry-types probably. here for a good time, not a long time. steals your stash and smokes you out with it. avid dick connoisseur. minimum effort lifestyle. either on her way to become a manager of some one hit wonder band that finds it’s demise in a freak accident, a drug dealer or god forbid, a guidance counselor; depends. mild cool girl syndrome.

reintroducing jennifer meade; intro & info page ( tw death, violence and abuse )

bi/pussy muncher and proud misandrist, first and foremost. remembers killing her brother very fondly. the one girl in a room to call when you want to kill a bug and you’re relieved until she kills it with her bare hand. tops. unstable & chaotic evil, respectively. the ginger devil. biased and has her minion whom she invests a great deal of her time in brain washing and obsessing over. supposedly here to make amends but that’s not happening any time soon.

reintroducing margot williams; intro & info page ( tw mental illness )

deserves better. very gay. all her friends are heathens xtra, take it slow. corrects typos in the gc. a nerdy editorial assistant daydreaming about publishing houses instead of the magazine she works for. lowkey shy and she’s angry about it. goes off if she must. jacks off to #knowledge and yuri anime. helps with homework and essays and takes the kids out. deadpan because we’re original but she swears it’s just the face & unresolved trauma. stans her therapist. unofficial older sister.

reintroducing chandler accardi; intro ( re-written ) & info page

needs to do better. dropped out of college for culinary school then dropped out of that too. was engaged to an absolute goddess he ultimately wronged ( with her damn best friend, bitch disgostin* ) and got kicked out to the curb. currently residing in the couch of his sister until things are resolved. thot-by-default & annoying. has like three ( 3 ) redeeming qualities. has never been told to shut up and it shows. works at buzzfeed.

reintroducing abel gautier; intro & info page

french and “confused”. lives a minimalist n’ expensive life. if american psycho & french kiss were the same movie. wine sniffer. the devil bakes croissants. will watch you die. takes grudges to the afterlife. gets attached but either ruins it or ruins it to spare everyone, himself included. falls in love a lot but knows how to calm the fuck down. very giving, fortunately. manipulative but isn’t too wild about bending everything to his will.

reintroducing simini gale; intro & info page ( tw abuse, violence & mental illness )

token white actress & character in rosie’s show. [ britney vc ] its me.... against dissociation. a loud mess with an intense mental state and anger issues dulled out by her prescribed meds and whatever pill she got in the bottom of her manager’s purse. dependent and distraught about it. grocery shopping for garbage food and attending comedy stand up shows half drunk as a hobby. stable ? where. very nice and super flighty. heels are hot. wishes she could fight someone without feeling the urge to actually fight someone.

reintroducing calvin o’shea; intro & info page ( tw mental illness )

it’s not just the depression more than the incredible self hatred. walks into rooms with his bad energy, grumpy mood and cunty attitude. graduated college just to shut his dad up. wants to die harder than edward cullen. just doesn’t give a shit. has a baby named freddie mercury ( also known as the antichrist, with alanis, his mortal literal enemy whom he absolutely despises and will not hesitate to put his dick back in again lbr ) who will probably grow up to talk shit about his parents whom he also mentioned in his tell-all book on ellen. works at his family’s bookstore that sucks the life energy out of college students nearing a mental breakdown.

reintroducing isabel pavia; intro & info page ( tw drug use )

contemporary dances her feelings away. too ambitious for her own good but knows what she’s doing. in a goth ass secret society ( here ) a.k.a her new found purpose. knows everything eventually. oddly trustworthy. doesn’t know what speaking loudly is, let alone yelling. loves the moon & has that moon app. had to take painkillers when she twisted her ankle very badly and would take them for a while for stress and performance reasons, but has stopped. a quiet angel.

reintroducing anastasia zeller; intro & info page

ambitious/multi-talented asshole. horror trash & an emotional/mental maze which translates well into her weird works on no sleep reddit and current horror comedy podcast. ( click here for info ). needs a therapist according to a friend, whom she dropped for saying that. will bite your head off. obsessed with her works to an unhealthy point. would love to establish a company and stuff out of it and is working on that. healthy relationships are a semi-foreign concept.

reintroducing morgan booker; intro & info page ( tw death )

vape-curious and takes photos of ghost towns and abandoned-everythings because #vision. had a roadtrip phase like the fake deep idiot he is. morally grey. genuinely here for a good laugh and spreading joy in the form of hover-friendships and taking lit candids of his friends. knows shit and comes off as a creep sometimes but does he really care. knows your mom’s name. lives in a disused hospital bc he’s marinating on that aesthetic.

reintroducing bowie harmon; intro & info page ( tw drug use & abuse )

part of a duo in a web series as the anxious n’ cackling mess. showcases her depressión & anxieté by her colorful wigs n’ new hair dyes. painful receptionist at a tattoo parlor. recovering addict who advocates for drug use. thinks tattooing a ruler on someone’s dick one day would be the peak of her accomplishments as a tattoo artist. daily bad decisions. “ it’s complicated. ” when asked about literally any relationship she has with anyone in her life. traumas include her failed singing career. an ex viner-by-association.

reintroducing shaheen bin baz; intro & info page ( tw violence & mental illness )

the physical deception of going through hell in a short amount of time with zero mental durability to begin with during midterms. trigger-anxious. will shoot your toes off your foot if caught off guard. aided in criminal operations with the brilliance of his mind in codes. would not mind dying. seasons your food. waters his crops in his balcony garden. the grey area between a super laidback dude and a crackhead with violent tendencies. nearing a mental breakdown probably.

reintroducing minka abbott-santos; intro & info page ( tw abuse )

defeats the evil stepmom stereotype one breath at a time. the human embodiment of a deer. gothic angel. alarmingly gets black swan. type to wake up to her staring at you from an armchair across the room, but lovingly, with a book she was reading in hand and two hot cups of tea; she was waiting to start the day with you. spooky until you get to know her and even more spookier when she’s ( note: calmly ) pissed but that’s extremely rare. gentle voice, soul and everything.

reintroducing reuben faulkner; intro & info page ( tw abuse & violence )

rekt hell prince. lived in an amish community with his family until he got kidnapped away from home when he was seven into an awful living situation. doesn’t remember if the gas leak that happened five years later and killed everyone was his doing or not. knows where his real family is after months of tracking them down but. blood kink under investigation. shady bouncer at a shady club. has issues he has no care or time to diminish. fights for the shits and giggles. leaves texts at read. leaves you alone for your own good and his own sanity.

reintroducing alexandra turunen; info page

wants to do everything and be everything and doesn’t know what to do with herself ( read: post-graduation identity crisis ) currently investing in a motorcycle for no reason. essentially jobless. a “retired” kathryn merteuil who “outgrew” her cunning ways since highschool but really only found new socially destructive interests. appears to be self-possessed but she’s #shaken. doesn’t care about how well she presents herself anymore after getting rejected by four universities and refusing to accept her father’s offer to pull some strings to get her in one. sleeps a lot.

reintroducing giuseppe del vecchio; info page ( tw death & drug use )

goes by pepe because well. son of italian oil peeps & is extra. said to be in a cult when all he’s in is this extra ass dining club that does the most for initiation ceremonies. ready to fall in love with you. goes to the king’s college in london and studies business & changes his minor way too often for everyone’s liking. into everything and will be down to do whatever. faux deep. mischievous shit. incredibly unbiased. had his rawrk n’ roll phase that died along with someone in a club literally. still has it but he knows god now & less drugs.

reintroducing kelian scott; info page ( tw death & drug use )

a father/father figure who tries™. runs a mechanic shop/chop shop because bad decisions and dire needs ( had his son to send to school and his daughter who passed away due to a disease he couldn’t afford to treat even after turning his shop into a chop shop. his wife then left him ). stares into the distance. wants the best for the kids but one of them is a junkie ( he doesn’t know yet ) and the other -- his niece -- is an orphan he’s worried about. thinks ahead 24/7. needs to pull out of this dull n’ depressing daily routine he has fallen into like the basic ass divorced dad he is.

reintroducing sal presley; info page

smexy trace & fingerprint detective. talks. the perfect illusion to bring home to your parents and friends. gets shit done which is both a good thing and a bad thing. looks calm, collected n’ well-rested but isn’t. his actual name is salvatore but no. knows how to mix drinks and more; used to showcase his multi-talented ass to make his ( currently ex ) fiancée look good now just himself. was engaged three times; two of those times with the same person. obsessive; gets into his job a little too intensely for no reason but #justice and maybe something else whom knows. loses sleep at least two nights a week as a habit at this point. has an extended family back home he misses occasionally. wishes he could calm down truly.

#smoke:intros #FINALLY RISING HOLY SH-#ill do some plotting n hopefully get on replies soonish hell yea lets GO!

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nothingbutwordsstuff · 7 years

Text

Just need to vent a little something.

Today has just been a trainwreck for me in general. I will be talking about sensitive topics here so I’ll leave it under the cut.

As a lot of you who regularly follow the news probably know by now, Chester Bennington, the lead singer of the band Linkin Park was found dead this morning in his home from possible suicide by hanging. He was 41, and he’s survived by his wife and six children. Hearing this news was bad enough for me on top of everything else that has happened to me last night, seeing as how Linkin Park is my favorite band (and by extension, Chester my favorite singer) of all time, so I’ve been taking a bit of time to honoring Chester’s memory by listening to the older songs and reading up on the various articles that reported on his death. It was a good way to reflect, a good way to remember the face of the band that I loved so much and grew up with since the Meteora days, before I even really understood what bands and musicians in America actually were because I was still relatively new to American media at the time. It was heartwarming to see that so many people shared in my sentiments and miss him dearly, paid their respects, and shared their experiences and fond memories of the band in their lives, how they’ve touched so many hearts and saved so many souls.

And then I read those other comments. The ones who say they are glad that Chester killed himself because his voice/music/band was shit, that his band had become a corporate sellout. The ones who say that they don’t understand why a man who apparently had it all just ended everything. The ones who call this icon of rock music selfish, stupid, idiotic for killing himself and leaving his family behind to grieve for him. To those people, I would like to say something. I can’t promise I won’t get upset, but I will promise that I will not stand for this kind of behavior no matter how much you dislike a person/what that person does/did.

You people don’t know what he was going through when he made the decision to end himself. Chester suffered from and struggled with drug and alcohol addiction for much of his early life. He was sexually abused by a male friend as a teenager for six years. That kind of shit doesn’t leave you no matter how old you get. That will leave lifelong scars. That probably contributed a lot to his depression.

Since I don’t have depression, I can’t claim to understand what Chester was going through, either. I don’t know what dark thoughts he was hiding behind his laughter and smiles and overall boisterous attitude. I don’t know how much he was hurting to the point that he felt that suicide was the best and only way. But for you detractors out there...I don’t care what you think of Chester. I don’t care what you think about his voice. I don’t care what you think about his band’s music. That’s your opinion and I won’t say that my opinion is the right one because it isn’t, and it never will be, so believe what you will about that, but please...is normal human decency so far gone now that we can’t even set aside that petty dislike and hate for just one moment to honor this man’s legacy? Is that so hard? And to the people who called his act of suicide “selfish” because he left his family alone and hurting - do you, honestly and truly, believe that he wanted to leave them? Do you think that he made the choice to escape his pain because he was a coward? Mental illnesses like depression don’t operate on such a rational level. Depression is an illness of the brain, and it ultimately won its battle against Chester. Would you say it’s “selfish” of a person who has cancer to die on their family and leave them alone because of something that they ultimately couldn’t help? Do you really think that, given a choice, either of them would have chosen to battle depression, to battle cancer, and decide to throw in the towel because it was easy? If your answer to any of those questions is yes, then your understanding of mental illnesses need some serious reevaluation. Chester probably didn’t want to leave them. He probably agonized over this decision for so long because he has a family that he loves so much, but those inner demons’ voices were just so persistent and strong. His depression could have honest-to-goodness made him believe that his family and his friends would be better off without him “ruining” it. He probably felt like a burden and wanted to relieve his loved ones of that perceived “burden”. That wasn’t him “taking the easy way out”. That was not him being “selfish”. He likely thought he was doing the best for them by taking himself out of their lives. He may have been a successful and influential artist, but none of that means shit when it comes to depression. It has no bias and it will attack anyone.

Depression makes it so that a person’s thoughts aren’t rational to the everyday citizen. Having depression is a Goddamned brutal battle, and I have nothing but the utmost respect to any and every person out there who lives with and battles this illness every day, to struggle to get up in the morning and live life even with their inner demons constantly whispering into their ears and nipping at their heels with every step. That takes immeasurable strength and conviction. It sticks with a person their entire lives and to live every day in spite of that, I...I just can’t imagine how much strength that would take.

So to those of you who shame Chester for being a coward for committing suicide, shame on you. To those of you who snip at him for being selfish for “taking the easy way out”, shame on you. To those of you who basically celebrated a man killing himself because of your self-aggrandizing attitude and need to uphold your opinion toward this man who, regardless of reception, gave his life to his music for whatever reason, I don’t even have anymore words for you. Just please; think about what you’re saying. You have no right to decide what Chester was thinking in his final moments. It is not your place.

Then again, I don’t know what you were thinking either when you said those things. I don’t know why you said what you said. I could be completely wrong and maybe you have your reasons that I shouldn’t condemn you for. But in the wake of Chester’s death, disrespecting him the way you are, no matter where it’s coming from, is cruel.

Don’t talk down on this man for his manner of death. Celebrate the life that this man lived with all his strength until he just couldn’t go on any longer.

I could say so much more, and I’m sorry for this being so disorganized, but I’m just such a mess after hearing this news that seeing those detractors’ comments just pushed me past the boiling point. I am probably misunderstanding what depression is because only people who have it can truly describe how hard it is. I probably even sound like a hypocrite since I don’t know if I worded this well or not, so to you people, I deeply apologize for any mistake or misunderstanding that I’ve displayed here in my fit of emotion and hope you know that I have no ill will.

To end this off, I would just like to pay my respects to Chester Bennington, the voice behind one of the greatest rock acts of this age, send out prayers to his family and the band and all his loved ones, that they would push through these difficult times and remember him for the inspirational, kind, and caring man he was. Suicide wasn’t the answer, but that was the only solution that he was able to see, and for that we grieve. I will always hold you in my heart, Chester, and I’ll miss you dearly.

God bless.

#my rambles #linkin park #tw: suicide #tw: depression #tw: abuse #chester bennington #I feel the need to tag this just because of the subject matter #I'm sorry if I offended anyone #really I am #I'm just so distraught that I don't even make sense to myself right now

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