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myrcella · 3 years

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“I will hunt you, and I will break you!”

-—

This outburst far exceeded the vanity table incident a few days prior. Castle Dimitrescu seemed to respond to its mistress’ unbridled anger in tandem, croaking and cooling, and a flash of lightning broke through the window as if on cue—as if Alcina was equally as entwined with the village.

Your body jolted, but you were steeled by one of your daughters’ hands on your shoulder: Bela looked at you with unseen empathy. If it were any other moment, the gesture would have been a funny and fond one to reflect on—who was the elder and younger here?—but now there was pity in her eyes, and you were grateful.

“She will calm.”

“We have seen her worse...”

“But an ugly man thing never managed to touch us before.”

Daniela was the last to chip in, and her tone was clipped. She was skittish, the girl who played so often with fire and cackled when she burned. She was uncharacteristically afraid, now. It made you terrified.

Rose instinctively felt the panic in the air too. Four little limbs beat hard in yours, squirming and wriggling in a silken blanket, and an exhausted red face looked around, crying. Despite your wife’s reprimands to the man-thing who had been flung down several floors, the child was indeed in the castle, but very much claimed.

“Oh, Rosie...”

Your chest thundered but you ignored it for the baby, who needed your heart more than you did. You coddled her to your chest, pressed your nose into her downy hair that smelled milksweet. She was still human, so fragile and malleable. It wouldn’t be much longer...

“Mama is here. Don’t you worry... Don’t cry... You have all you need here, I promise... You’re better here...”

(Sometimes you did wonder if you said such things to yourself to soothe your guilt.)

Every minute was a small century, before the door to the room slowly opened. The familiar imposing figure of Alcina ducked below the doorway to sluggishly enter, and when she straightened, her eyes were glazed and jaw set firmly. She had not calmed completely, not yet, but you knew she needed you.

“Alcina...” It was barely even a whisper. Your voice was caught in your stomach.

“Mother, that awful creature! Just awful!”

“He shot me! In the chest! Right here! It hurt!”

“Even the flies didn’t want his stench!”

“And you had said he was tasty before!”

“No, definitely stale!”

Cassandra had crooned and glided over, shadowed by Daniela. Bela distanced herself as the air cleared, consigning herself to the darkness as she usually did. The girls were old enough to reconcile themselves, though. They could fight, they thrilled themselves in violence.

“Daughters.” Alcina was clearly struggling to level her tone. Her eyes were still fading away from the golden that they turned when she was annoyed... or excited. “I am glad you girls are safe. The man-thing is... displaced for the time being. However, I expect he will be back as a thorn in our side ere long, and I expect he will be harsher.”

Her gaze snapped from the girls to you, who would ordinarily wait in excitement.

“Go, you three. Keep hunting him. I want him broken. Never mind what I have been instructed.”

Bela, Cassandra and Daniela almost immediately fluttered away to whatever recesses they occupied when ordered. Then it was just you and your wife—the Countess who had to take a breath before gliding merely an inch away from you.

You were daunted. You stepped back at first and pressed Rose harder against your chest. You hadn’t meant to—you’d panicked and you were still anxious—but the hurt was clear in Alcina’s eyes.

“Do not fear me,” she said. She was agitated. Her voice was stressed. “Please.”

She had perhaps only said ‘please’ once or twice in all the decades. So your fear relented, and you melted back into your rightful place—against her large body.

“Draga mea, concubină mea,” Alcina breathed with raw adoration, having to kneel to meet even a fraction of your height. One of her hands dwarfed your head, easily. She placed both to your cheeks, cupping your face, pressing her forehead to yours with closed eyes. You copied her, the surprising warmth of her skin like a safety blanket when she touched you. And when she had a moment of reprieve, finally, she kissed your lips chastely.

“He didn’t hurt me...” you answered the unsaid question. He hadn’t, but he had grabbed the babe from your arms and unsuccessfully tried to wrestle her away, thus Rose’s distress. “He wants her. I can’t give her up, Alcina. S-she...”

“No.” Alcina’s word was firm. “You shan’t give her up. I promised you a child, you and I, and this is her. She was never his. I made it so for you.”

She looked down hurriedly at Rose, whose chubby face was stained with tear tracks. Her tiny hand was rubbing at her eye but she had seemingly soothed a great deal, her head tilted towards you.

“See, she seeks your comfort. She has forgotten... him.” Alcina hissed even the mere implication of the man through her teeth. “I will never submit.”

For a few beats, you regarded her. She had been your lover through so many eras, but she still reduced you to the young peasant girl you had once been, dying in the dirt, before she lifted you up and saved you with the gift. She had lived so much longer than you, seen and devoured so many, and yet she chose you as her equal in perpetuity.

“Hold me. Hold us.”

Alcina needed no further instruction. Her long arms wrapped very easily around you in your entirety, encasing Rose too in the embrace. It grew an uncomfortable position quickly, so she guided you to move to her lap when she sat in one of her favoured armchairs of this room. There, you were once again small and naive and her protege, looking to her for guidance.

You had known for some time there was something far more frightful beneath Alcina’s surface, something untouchable and something you were once unsure you would see. But the situation with the man-thing was spiralling out of control, and whatever secret was in Alcina’s skin was broiling steadily.

Still, when you met her gaze, you felt her love. Her kind loved deeper than what you had been born as. They loved for so long, so fiercely and primally loyal—bound physically as well as emotionally to each other. Since she had marked you the bond between you both had never faltered. It was in your very blood, and you were in hers.

“I won’t let him continue,” Alcina said, quietly. More to herself, you assumed. You kissed the corner of her mouth and she looked at you with gratitude. Then, hungrily, she took your chin between her fingers and opened your mouth up to hers, kissing you more resolutely. “Sângele din sângele meu.”

“In vecii vecilor,” you said, dutifully.

Rose quieted between you and her eyes had drooped closed. Whatever beast raged inside Alcina had retreated for the time being.

Another one, however, still stalked the bowels of your home.

#lady dimitrescu #alcina dimitrescu #lady dimitrescu x reader #lady dimitrescu x female reader #re8 #re8 spoilers #resident evil village

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sugarmaplewings-fics · 3 years

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Baby, You’re Perfect

Pairing: BNHA Boys x reader

Warnings: Weight insecurity, negative body image/icky thoughts, body shaming from relatives, talks about skipping a meal once, general stuff like that. Kirishima’s reader is actively trying to lose weight. Cursing/language throughout (but mostly in Bakugou’s)

Characters: Bakugou, Kirishima, Kaminari

Author’s Note:

And here we have yet another request that is super old. I’m talking this has been chillin in my inbox for three good months. My sincere apologies, anon. And again, I’m sorry that that had to happen to you. Your grandma has no right to speak to you in that way. You’re making great progress and that’s amazing! Keep going strong, I believe in you. Anyhow, I had a lot of fun doing this request! We all need more chubby y/n on this website.

Yes, it says Hawks but I contacted the anon and we switched it to Denki bc I don’t write for Keigo (and we had a lovely conversation. they’re very nice :D).

Also the first two insults are things that have actually been said/done to me irl (hehe tasty self projection) and the last one in Denki’s is from an episode from Tuca and Birdie (it’s a good show).

Anyway, be nice to people. Respect others and speak to them as equals. We’re all human beings here, trying to get by. We’re also like a month away from 2021, I shouldn’t have to say that >:(

Happy Thanksgiving!

-Sugar

━━━━━━ ◦ ❖ ◦ ━━━━━━

Bakugou:

You couldn’t take it anymore. You were tired of their faces, tired of their words. You were headed home early, and you would not be sorry.

You didn’t hate your family. They could just be a little . . . difficult sometimes.

At first, it had gone well. You’d arrived at your aunt’s house yesterday for a family gathering and met up with everyone. They’d hugged you and asked you how you were doing. They’d even asked after your pro hero boyfriend, who you had chosen not to bring along for the purpose of spending some quality alone time with your family.

But then it happened; the thing you’d been dreading, the type of comment you’d hoped against all things you wouldn’t hear this time. But there it was.

You were nearly done preparing for lunch, helping to place dishes of food out in the backyard for your family meal. Your aunt was starting to serve people food, and you happened to glance up to see one of your cousins making herself a plate.

“Do you want any more?” your aunt asked your cousin, ready with her ladle.

“No, thank you, I’ve got enough.” Your cousin flipped her long perfect hair over a perfectly narrow shoulder. “I wouldn’t want to get fat like—” her gaze wandered over to you, meeting your eyes pointedly, “—some people.”

You faltered. Had she really just said that? About you? Well, it wasn’t impossible that it would come from her, but seriously? Today?

You swallowed a lump that had started forming in your throat, setting down the new stack of paper plates. Your aunt shot you a pitying glance. Was she even going to say something? Would she call your cousin out on her words?

No. She just moved on. Moved on like you should have. But something about it stuck with you. Your cousin’s words and implications rang through your mind, making you feel sick to your stomach. You shouldn’t let it bother you this much. You were doing better, both with your habits and your confidence. So why did it hurt so bad?

The darker thoughts you’d kept at bay began to come back; you were worthless, you were ugly, you were undeserving. Why wouldn’t they stop? Why was your stomach churning and your hand shaking? Before you knew it, hints of tears began to prick at your eyes.

No.

You weren’t going to give her the satisfaction of seeing you this way. But you were no longer interested in staying, any sense of hunger leaving you for sick dread.

Next thing you knew, you had said an early goodbye and put your things in the car, headed back home. Maybe driving wasn’t the best idea, since now you were alone with your thoughts. But crying wasn’t worth it. It was a bad idea, especially since now was the time to focus on the road ahead.

You couldn’t have gotten home sooner, a sense of relief washing over you once you pulled into the driveway. You unlocked your front door, pulling your bags in behind you. You heard movement coming from the kitchen as you set everything down; the sound of the faucet turning off signaling to you that Katsuki had heard you come in.

Heaving a sigh, you tried to chase the negative thoughts from your head. They shouldn’t be there, and it wasn’t something to dwell on. You were home again, and you wouldn’t have to deal with your family for another few months at least.

Bakugou’s head peeked out from around the doorframe, double checking that it was you who had walked in. “What are you doing here?” he called, ducking back to whatever he’d been doing in the kitchen.

“Hello to you too.” You tried to keep the tartness out of your voice, but some of it must have crept back in. The sounds from the other room stopped again, and the house went eerily quiet. Huffing, you dragged your luggage into your shared bedroom.

You felt drained, that was the only way to describe it. You couldn’t even bring yourself to hang your clothes in the closet. Giving up, you laid down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. You couldn’t help but hear your cousin’s words ringing over and over in your head, reminding you of the countless years of both internal and external torment you’d gone through regarding your weight.

The sound of footsteps in the doorway made you glance down, registering a spiky blond head of hair approaching you on the bed. You said nothing as the mattress dipped next to you, indicating that Bakugou had come up on your side.

The two of you were silent together for a long moment, and a stolen glance told you that Katsuki was mirroring you with his head resting on his arms as he stared at the blank ceiling.

“Are you going to tell me what’s got you in this mood?” he finally asked.

You sighed. “My cousin can just be a pain sometimes.”

“She the one you were telling me about or is it someone else?”

“Same girl.”

“Hmm.” Bakugou continued to keep his eyes trained solely up above. “What did she do this time?”

“Called me fat.” You tried to keep your voice even. You were simply stating a fact. It shouldn’t bother you like this, right? Even so, the tears you’d been forcing back once again rushed to your eyes, causing your tone to pitch. You swallowed them down again, blinking rapidly. This wasn’t something to spend time crying over.

“Don’t let it get to you,” Katsuki said, a little unhelpfully. “I don’t want to see you hating yourself.”

You frowned at this. “I don’t hate myself,” you said, thinking about your words for a moment before you spoke them. “I don’t hate my body. It’s just that . . . sometimes I wish it looked a little better, a little different. Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m enough as I am.”

“Don’t tell me you think you’d be happier looking like everyone else.” Bakugou’s gaze had shifted from a blank one to a glare.

“I don’t know,” you said, shrugging. “It’s just . . . hard sometimes. Being like this.”

Finally Bakugou rolled to face you, taking one of your hands in his. “I know you . . . struggle with your self-image or whatever, but you can’t let it take over your life, got it? You can’t just waste it worrying about what everyone thinks of you. You’re never going to be able to please everyone, but if they’ve got a problem with you, then they can go fuck themselves. You want to know the one person’s opinion who matters most? Yours. You have to be the one who’s taking care of yourself.” Katsuki paused for a moment, absentmindedly fiddling with your fingers as he considered his words.

“You want to know who’s opinion is the second most important?” he continued, his voice starting to get a little more mumbly. “Mine. I picked you because I love you. I love everything about you, from your shitty, annoying personality to your gorgeous body. You are so much more than just ‘enough’ for me, so don’t go worrying about that. You’re everything to me, and you know that, right? I love you no matter what, so don’t let this ruin your whole day.” He kissed your knuckles, signaling that he had said his peace.

You smiled at him, a tear or two finally sneaking past your defenses. “How—how do you do that?”

“What?”

“Sometimes you say something horribly stupid and I swear I hate you, and then next thing I know, you’re telling me everything I need to hear.”

“Tch, I can be eloquent whenever I want. It’s a choice.”

“Alright.” You rolled over so you could properly face him. “Can I have a hug?”

Bakugou rolled his eyes, but nevertheless held open his arms. You happily snuggled into the hard, built muscle enveloping you, offering a beautiful contrast to your own soft body.

“Do you need me to talk to your cousin?” Bakugou asked. “I’ll do it.”

“Nah, let her go.” You nuzzled your nose into his neck. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

______________

Kirishima:

You honestly expected your family to last longer when it came to keeping from upsetting you. Nevertheless, maybe you were being a little too optimistic. But come on, did they have to ruin everything the literal second you walked through the door?

Even after the scathing comment, followed by a half-hearted, hasty brushing off, you forced yourself to spend time with them. It wasn’t often that you got to see this half of your family, so you decided to ignore it with the rest of them.

But as you sat on the couch sipping tea, you were unable to focus on the light conversation buzzing around you. The event that happened mere minutes before played over again in your mind, causing you to wince.

You’d walked into the house, prepared to greet everyone and have a nice time, when your aunt looked up from her position on her arm chair. “Hello, (Y/N),” she’d begun. “Ah, look, you’re still fat.”

Your heart had almost literally stopped beating in your chest as you froze in the threshold. Had she just said what you thought you heard? You must have been mistaken, right?

Any positive anticipation you’d had of seeing your relatives had plummeted to your feet, and you strongly considered turning around in place and leaving without another word.

But you couldn’t do that, of course not. Then your aunt had begun to babble something about how it made you look cute like a baby, but her words had already done their damage.

You tolerated the rest of your afternoon with them, but it was a great relief to you when you were finally able to leave and go home. As soon as you pulled into your driveway, you exhaled a sigh of relief. It was over with, and it hadn’t been that bad.

Eijirou wasn’t home, but you knew he wouldn’t be long after you. You went about making dinner, knowing he’d appreciate it once he got home. He was always so tired these days.

Even so, as you stirred broth in a pot, your aunt’s words rang in your head. You vaguely remembered telling her about your weight loss a month ago. You figured you’d been making considerable progress, and you knew that no one was more proud of you than Eijirou himself. But had it really made a difference?

After a moment of fretting, you turned off the stove. You walked into your shared bedroom, flicking on the light. Your eyes caught sight of your reflection in the mirror. You frowned, going up to it. Turning your body this way and that, you tried to see if you recognized a change in your appearance. You lifted your shirt, only to wince at yourself and tug it back down. You pinched at your arms, your thighs, and your cheeks, growing almost angry at the way your fingers sunk into the flesh.

Maybe you hadn’t been making as much progress as you’d thought. Or the progress you had made wasn’t enough. Without you even realizing it, your mind began to toy with ways to speed things up. Guiltily, you found yourself wondering if Eijirou would notice if you just skipped dinner that night.

You shook your head to clear away the intrusive idea. No, that wouldn’t solve anything. Eijirou had told you that he’d help you lose weight the right way, so you’d stay healthy and be able to keep it off. It would be best to listen to him.

Still, you found your eyes glued to your reflection. You wouldn’t consider yourself vain, but there was something in the way that your eyes traced over your curves, wondering just how they might look on you if only you were a little smaller . . . .

Movement behind you in the mirror caught your eye, and you were quick to recognize a head of spiky red hair. You must not have heard Kirishima come in through the front door.

“Hello,” you said with less cheer than usual.

“Hey, babe,” he greeted you, coming up from behind to give you a hug.

You leaned back into his chest as you both stared at each other’s reflections.

“Checking out my perfect girlfriend?” he teased, referring to how your eyes continued to trace down your body. “That’s my job, you know.”

You snorted, gently rubbing at his forearm.

“So how was your family?”

“Okay,” you shrugged.

“I saw you left something on the stove. Are you doing okay?”

Oh, Kirishima. How did he do it?

You shrugged. “I guess I didn’t really have a good time there. Got a little upset is all.”

Eijirou frowned. “What happened?”

You took one of his hands in yours and began to play with his fingers, now determined to keep your eyes from catching another glimpse of yourself. “My aunt told me I was fat.”

You missed the flash of genuine anger that shot through Kirishima’s eyes. He knew this was something you’d struggled with for a long time. Your aunt had no business making comments like that about your body, especially now.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, deciding to keep himself calm for your sake.

You continued to fiddle with his large hands. “I just worry sometimes that I’m not doing enough,” you mumbled. “What if it doesn’t work? What if I’m just meant to look like this?” You sniffled, hating the sudden tears that were beginning to fill your eyes.

“Honey . . .” Eijirou spun you around and held you to his chest, running a hand down the back of your head as you finally let the tears slide down your face. You nuzzled into his shirt, appreciating the warm, familiar feeling of it. “Even if you weren’t able to lose more weight, you know I’d still love you, right?” he said in a tender voice. “I’d think you’re beautiful either way.”

He tilted your chin up so he could look into your eyes, giving you one of the most loving gazes you’d ever seen. “And besides, we’re not together because of how you look. I love you for you. I love your personality, and how you always say and do the cutest things.” He bent down for a quick kiss, caressing your cheek as he pulled away. “I love your laugh, and I love looking into your beautiful eyes . . . .” He kissed you again, beginning to gently guide your bodies to the bed at the other wall.

Eijirou laid you down in the center of the mattress, hovering over you as he went in for another kiss. “I love your body too. This body, just the way it is. I love how it feels to hold you at night—” he kissed your neck. “—I love your chest, your butt, your arms, your thighs—” he nuzzled his nose against your face and neck. “—your cute tummy.” He pushed himself up and gazed down at it with such a genuine expression of love, you almost started tearing up again. “The cutest tummy in the world. And I love it because it’s yours.”

With that, he bent down again and lifted up your shirt just enough to give it a little kiss. You couldn’t help but let a giggle slip from your lips, which only made his ruby red eyes dart up to meet yours mischievously.

“You like that? What if I did it . . . again!” He placed a second kiss in a different spot, going for another and then another. You broke out into laughter, the sensation of his lips and nose brushing over your sensitive skin making you squirm in his hold.

Soon, he was laughing himself. He nuzzled into your skin one last time and blew a raspberry against your skin.

“Eiji—!” you began to protest through a laugh.

“What?” He smirked at you, moving up and settling his chin in the valley of your chest.

You smiled right back at him, bringing up your hand to brush the backs of your fingers against his cheek. “I love you.”

Kirishima took hold of your hand and brought it to his lips, kissing the backs of your knuckles as he looked into your eyes. “I love you too, baby.” He held your hand in his, getting lost for a moment simply looking at your face.

Eventually he sat up, laying down next to you and pulling you into his chest. “I’m proud of you too,” he told you, tucking your head under his chin. “I know you’re actively making a change for the better, and you’re doing really well. Results won’t happen immediately, you just have to stick with it sometimes.”

You sighed through your nose, taking his hand in yours again. “I know. I just get discouraged sometimes is all.”

“And I’ll just be here to put you back on track. You’ve got this, you know.” He hugged you tight against him, rubbing your back. “Are you hungry?” he finally asked. “I’ll help you make dinner.”

“Sure,” you said, chuckling lightly.

“What? We both have to eat, and you know me. I’m a hungry shark.”

You laughed again, leaning up to kiss his jaw.

“Feeling better?” he asked.

“Yeah, a bit.”

“Well, there’s always more where that came from.” He kissed your forehead. “I’m here for you, okay?”

______________

Kaminari:

If there was one thing Denki hated more than anything, it was seeing you upset.

He could tell something was off the moment you came through the front door. You were too quiet, and that bothered him. When you finally made it up to your shared room, Kaminari was already watching the doorway for you.

He noticed immediately that your eyes were puffy and a little red. Even your posture looked defeated and slumped over.

“Hey, Denks,” you said once you noticed him stretched out on the bed. His heart broke even further when he saw you try for a smile that didn’t quite reach your eyes.

“Hey, hey, what’s the matter?” Kaminari got up, clearing the space between you so he could put his hands on your shoulders.

“I—I just,” you began to stammer out, feeling the flimsy dam you’d placed behind your eyes begin to falter. “I . . . don’t know if I want to talk about it right now.” You covered your burning face with your palms. “It’s stupid anyway. I shouldn’t let things like that get to me.”

Kaminari frowned, trying to figure out what might have made you so upset. But he wasn’t one to pry when it came to situations like these, and he knew you’d tell him on your own time.

Even so, he led you to where he’d once taken position on the bed, pulling you up with him. He knew that sometimes you simply wanted to be distracted from things, so he decided to do just that. Allowing you to settle in next to him, he picked his controller up from the covers again where he’d set it down.

You noticed he’d been playing Minecraft. You let yourself take a mild interest in his mining session that you caught him in the middle of. You watched him wander through a cave system; placing torches, killing the occasional zombie, and mining out various ores he happened upon.

What you didn’t see was how often he shot you glances, studying your face for any signs of you getting upset again. He saw when you finally took your eyes off his screen, frowning distantly as you twisted the material of the blanket underneath you.

Before he could ask you again what was going on, you opened your mouth to speak. “Do you think this outfit is too much?”

Denki faltered, confused. “No? What do you mean by that? I think you look really pretty.”

You pursed your lips. Clearly that wasn’t the answer you’d wanted. “I just—I don’t know.” You frowned and went back to avoiding his eyes.

“Are you going to tell me what happened today?” Denki asked. A sudden idea struck him. Before you could answer him again, he stood up on the bed and walked over to a shelf you kept just above it. He pulled down a large stuffed Pikachu he’d gotten you a few years ago, and went back to sitting next to you. “Would it be easier to tell him?”

Denki positioned the toy in his lap, grabbing hold of its little arms and letting it go through various motions, starting with a little wave at you.

You couldn’t help but snort at Kaminari’s antics, looking from the plushie to the curious but concerned expression on your boyfriend’s face.

“Your Pikachus are worried about you.” Denki lifted it up higher on his chest, continuing to fidget and wave the arms back and forth in a little dance. “You saw your family today, right? How did that go?”

Your face fell again and you shrugged. “It went well I guess. My grandma just said something dumb and it made me upset.”

Denki frowned, lifting the arms of the Pikachu so its hands were on its pink cheeks. “What did she say?”

You shrugged again. “I was messing around with my cousins and I said I looked like a snacc. And then she said that snacks were probably what made me so fat in the first place.”

Denki’s frown deepened. “That’s not very nice.”

“I don’t think she knew what I was talking about, to be fair. And maybe it’s a little funny. I mean, she’s not wrong.” You rested your chin in your hands, sighing. “It just caught me off guard. It’s a dumb thing to be upset over, like I said—”

“Hey.” Denki met your eyes. “It’s not dumb. You have every right to be upset.” He held his arms open to you. “Come here.”

You sat up, letting him embrace you.

“Do you need me to remind you how beautiful you are and how much I love you?” he asked from next to your ear. “Because I’ll do it.”

He took your shy smile as a yes, letting you settle back as he proceeded to lift up the stuffed yellow toy.

“Are you hearing this, bro?” he addressed it, throwing a serious look on his face. “The most gorgeous person on the planet is sad. We have to do something about it.”

Denki put the Pikachu’s paw on its chin, tapping it for a second before removing it again. “What’s that?” he asked it. “You have an idea?”

He lifted the toy to his ear, pretending to listen to it for a moment as he nodded along. Once he was satisfied, Denki scooched himself even closer to you. He brought Pikachu’s nose up to your cheek and made a kiss sound with his lips. Setting the toy down beside you on the bed, he motioned for you to come sit in his lap.

You obeyed, settling yourself in between his thighs and wrapping your legs around his hips.

“There you go,” he muttered, slotting his nose beside yours as he touched foreheads with you. “I love you and you’re the most important person in my life. You know that, right?” He waited for you to nod before continuing. “And I know that you can feel a little insecure sometimes with how you look. You’ve got bad days, and you have good days. It’s my job to be there for you on these bad days, and you can be there for me when I have mine. I want you to know that you’re so beautiful and I wouldn’t want you any other way.”

He connected your lips to his for a long moment, trying to convey all his feelings for you into it. “And don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re less-than. They’re not the kind of person you should be listening to. Trust me when I say that you’re perfect just being you.” Denki wiped a tear trail off your cheek with his thumb, leaning in to kiss the skin there.

“Thanks, Denki,” you said, your voice just above a whisper.

He gave you a soft, caring smile; his fingers still lingering on your cheek. “Is there anything you want to do together to make you feel better? We could watch a movie, we could snuggle, whatever you want.”

You leaned in and hugged him tight. “I love you.”

He hugged you back. “I love you too. You’re my sunshine nugget, and it would take a heck of a lot to ever change that.”

━━━━━━ ◦ ❖ ◦ ━━━━━━

Taglist: @basicaegyo @fourteenow @iiminibattlehero @katsugay @nabo39 @onepieceask @pyrofanatic @sendhelpimstupid @xoxopam4

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my-writings-and-musings · 3 years

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Here's a commission from an absolutely wonderful person, with Drift and a human reader going from the start of their friendship to becoming Amica Endura, and being ridiculously cute and sweet all the way.

You'd been confused by the term at first, like you had with all Cybertronian phrases upon initially hearing them, but this one had been different in a way that didn't feel right.

Mostly because it sounded suspiciously like an insult.

Though the group of bots hadn't appeared to be especially troublesome, you had still seen Drift flinch when they'd referred to him as a Carnicon. That reaction alone had stirred immediate concern on your part, but their less than friendly tone and the sense of trouble they carried had made you act on the spot. Though the offending crewmembers had been gone by the time you managed to climb down the ladder attached to your designated lunch table, you'd still made it a point to hurry across the floor towards the lonely ninja bot, hoping that perhaps you'd just misunderstood what had transpired. Maybe the word was a nickname he hadn't heard in a while? Distracted as you were just trying to avoid getting stepped on by the other bots moving about the room, such optimism was still obviously hopeless even to you. Drift had looked wounded by the comment.

"Hey, Drift! Down here, hello!"

Waving your arms for added effect, you called up to the bot as soon as you reached the floor beside his chair. Though somewhat out of breath, you had practiced getting the attention of much taller beings enough times to make elevating your voice quite easy, and you were noticed quickly. Raising his helm in a flash, Drift looked down to the floor with surprise that turned to a soft smile when he recognized you. A hand was offered to lift you as had become customary amongst the crew.

"Hey, Y/N! Finish your lunch so soon?" He asked casually, all traces of his unpleasant encounter already wiped from his face. Hopping off his palm and onto the table, you had to sadly note the half eaten meal of his own sitting on a tray, untouched since he'd been called that word. The neatly organised arrangement of energon cuts and various metals prepared as tasty little morsels was his usual lunch, something you knew because its sushi like appearance had stuck in your mind, especially do to how quickly he always finished it and the delighted mood with which he did so. Something must have indeed been wrong for it to be pushed aside and ignored.

"Yeah! I just wanted to come over, and..." Words failed you at the realization you hadn't actually planned upon what to say, or even how to go about saying it, despite your desire to help. All you'd wanted was to check up on him as swiftly as possible, and due to the distance involved there hadn't been time to think of a tactful way to accomplish that. Perhaps you should just be honest and not beat around the bush? Drift was a bot who could appreciate good intentions, if nothing else. Finding your courage, you ignored your somewhat rapid heartbeat to look up at him, smiling softly and adjusting your stance in a way you prayed came across as reassurance. "Well, honestly, I saw that group of bots go by and... I don't like to assume, but I wanted to make sure they didn't give you a hard time."

"Oh, those guys?"

His tone was casual, but even he couldn't hide the hurt that flashed in his optics. Clearly, and unfortunately, your instincts had been right on target.

"Nah, they're just... Some mechs are a bit abrasive is all, it's how they socialize." He said, politely dismissing your concerns with fake sincerity that might have worked if you didn't know him as well as you did. Though not especially close, you'd spent enough time with him to learn he tried to play peacemaker on the ship, something made quite difficult by the past many crewmembers refused to let him forget. Somehow the particular variety of pain he earned from such a predicament was very easy to recognize. You could hear it in every halting word, and because of that you had to fight to keep your expression neutral as he worked his way through an explanation probably improvised on the spot. "I've been developing a more open energy flow in casual environments. It allows me to connect with others on a deeper level, but can make me a tad more... vulnerable, to such unexpected encounters."

Hearing the pain hidden just below the surface of his voice, you can't help but feel a protective stir in your heart, regardless of the fact Drift towers over you and is an experienced combat veteran. Size and strength clearly aren't keeping him safe from bullies, and you can't bear to think of him suffering that pain in silence. Perhaps it isn't your place, but leaving him to endure even another minute just isn't an option. Sitting down on the table, you keep your worry to yourself and speak plainly, one equal to another. "It wasn't so much them, as what they said that seemed to bother you."

Seeing him deflate a bit makes further conversation almost impossible, but you push forward with your question. "That word, Carnicon, was it an insult?"

"No." He replies, curtly but not aggressive as he looks down at the hands he's folded atop the table. Worried you might have crossed some cultural boundary, despite all but whispering the word in question to lessen its blow, you're relieved when he seems to decide against further deflection. Stroking his thumb over the back of his palm, he is open but not quite unguarded in his tone as he starts to explain. "Well, not in most situations. Carnicon is an older term for Cybertronians built to hunt or engage in combat with purely biological weapons; like claws or venom."

Now at least marginally caught up, though still uncertain how such a word could ever be used against someone, you gently encouraged him to continue when he paused. "But... in other situations?"

"Some look down on bots bearing features that are ascribed to Carnicons. Thus, the name is often levied at those with "beastly" attributes, such as tails, horns, or..." Momentarily worried he'd paused because the topic had indeed proved too much, you were too caught up in the sad implications of the explanation to notice it hardly applied to him in the slightest. It was only when he brought a hand to his chin that the pieces started to click. Tilting his helm, he opened his mouth just enough for you to catch sight of four incredibly pointed tips, all in the same spots as your own canines. Everything made a terribly sad kind of sense by the time he closed his mouth and returned his sad gaze to you with a single word.

"Fangs."

Heartache barreled past your defenses to show on your face in the form of an unrestrained frown, one that almost weighed you down under a dense kind of sadness you'd never experienced. Bots kept surprising you with the downright absurd forms of bigotry found on Cybertron, but this... You didn't even know how to begin processing it. This poor bot may have made some bad choices in the past, but he's worked tirelessly to be better, and the whole time you've known him he's been nothing but kind. More than kind, in fact. Drift is practically smiling every time he sees you. To think he has to endure exclusion for his past, on top of harassment for a physical trait that's impossibly harmless, you find yourself wishing wistfully you were large enough to embrace him. A reassuring smile on his face makes you ache more.

"Although I'm not a Carnicon, the fact that a number of my dentae are unusually sharp in a manner some might compare to those commonly found in Carnicons has occasionally resulted in... heckling." At the last word he cracks, and for the first time his fake unaffected front is completely ineffective, allowing you to see the pain that's almost overflowing just below the surface. Such a sight makes you certain you'll never be able to unsee his suffering again. Suddenly you understand him on a deeper level, as if this little incident has made something click into perfect place. You've never felt more determined to comfort someone than you do as he tries to continue. "But I'm quite accustomed to all of the reactions I provoke, Y/N! It does not bother me. Thank you for your concern though, I hope this feature does not perturb you."

A wonderful burst of clarity nearly makes you laugh, if only because being so caught up actually made you forget something about yourself, but you channel that energy into a bolstering smile as you scoot closer on the table.

"Why would it do that? I've got them too."

Optics going blank, it looked as if his processor had crashed like an old PC before he utters two quiet words.

"Come again?"

Tilting your own head, you gently pull your mouth open and push your lip back to reveal your own canines, all of which extend far enough that all he has to do is squint before his expression brightens in realization. Tapping the pointy tip, you let go to enable yourself to talk once again. Seeing him watch your face a little more intently as you speak is oddly endearing. "See? All humans have these teeth, they're called "canines", but mine are extra big and sharp. It's called Macrodontia."

"I... I never noticed..." He replied after a pause, speaking softly as his processor works over what you've just shared with him. There's hesitation holding back an obvious buzz of excitement, as if he doesn't want to take a risk and believe he's finally found someone who understands, or is worried you might be offput by the true level of his excitement. Equally concerned about not overwhelming him or overstepping, you reply using a casual tone to mask your eagerness to connect with him.

"As small as I am, no one here has." You say matter of factly, briefly wondering if any unpleasant sentiment would have been directed your way if your size didn't hide the feature. Flashbacks of taunts on Earth are overwritten by self admonishment, as you know for a fact nothing you've endured could ever compare to what he faces on a daily basis in terms of sheer isolation. No doubt the teeth also play into bot's assumptions on his "aggressive" nature too. Not wanting to make the moment about yourself, but also determined to let him know you would never do to him what others have done to you, you're left fumbling between what feels like two conflicting ideals. "Sometimes people made fun of me for it on Earth, so I... I know it's not the same as what you face, so I don't want to say I "understand" how you feel or anything, but-"

"Y/N... I think you do. A lot more than most." He says, not so much interrupting as reassuring you that the backpedaling isn't necessary. Letting out a breath you didn't know you'd been holding, the warm satisfaction of being able to help someone in a trying moment settled over your heart with a kind of fuzzy giddiness. There's a renewed brightness in his optics as he looks to you without shame and speaks openly. "Thank you for sharing this with me, and I assure you I won't tell a soul. But if anyone ever does find out, and gives you trouble..."

There's a gentle fade to silence as you lay a tiny hand on his.

"It doesn't have to be secret. I'm not ashamed of the way I am, especially considering who I share the look with." You say, and the effect is so profound his smile actually appears to brighten before the rest of his expression.

"I'll still be here for you, just as you've been here for me."

"Consider the feeling mutual."

---------------------------------

"Then there's this particular blade; do you see how it doesn't have any sharpened edge?"

Due to your size, you could probably see the finer details of the weapon even more clearly than your friend did, and thus the total lack of serrated sides was quite apparent. Thankfully the missing edge also made it easier to observe the features Drift was describing while he held the blade out for you to see, as you could get quite close without having to worry about excessive caution. It didn't hurt that you also wanted to observe as much detail as possible. Following along with him had taught you amazing things, and he actually seemed to grow more enthusiastic when you were attentive.

"Yeah! It's all just tapered to a point, like a stake." You said, sitting casually on the floor amongst the neatly arranged armory of swords and daggers of incredible variety. From the way Drift is gleefully chatting from his own spot in front of you, one might have thought he was discussing something more akin to collectibles than weapons of war, but this behavior had become so normal to you that the oddness didn't even register. As far as you were concerned, he was simply a friend sharing something he was passionate about. Seeing him smile so brightly made it even better.

"Precisely! This style is very unique; it's meant for close combat, either as a last resort in a sword fight or a single strike for assassination." He said, holding up the blade and flipping it elegantly over his palm. Optics almost shining with delight, he spoke so enthusiastically you could see his sharpened dentae peeking through every smile, which he only allowed to happen when he felt truly comfortable. Before you knew it your own cheeks were pushing up in an absolutely beaming grin, one enthusiastic enough to show your own little fangs as well. Seeing Drift this... free just stirred a kind of warm happiness in your heart you didn't know was possible. It seemed to only happen in select moments, but it was definitely becoming more frequent the longer you two were friends, and it was hard to miss how his happiest days seemed to occur only in your presence...

"Oh, and then there's this one!"

You startled as he pulled out a similiar but far more elegant blade seemingly from nowhere, moving so swiftly the fine edge made a whistle as it cut through the very air, but as he began to gush about the particular nature of this weapon you settled back in to listen eagerly. Truthfully you could sit here and let him talk through every weapon he'd ever owned. Being his friend was a reward in itself that you enjoyed each day.

---------------------------------

For the sake of the bot working so diligently, you tried to avoid moving in any significant way, going so far as to take shallow breaths whenever possible. It was resulting in rather minimal oxygen intake, but you saw it as worth it due to how little you disturbed his concentration. Unfortunately your metabolism really didn't approve of the sacrifice.

Thankfully, Drift had become familiar enough with human biology and you in general to notice just as you were starting to get dizzy.

"Y/N?" He prompted, getting you to crack your eyes open just a notch to look at him. Still unwilling to risk his work, you willed up the tiniest hint of air through your throat to respond without moving your mouth.

"Mm?"

A blurry smile came through your narrowly parted eyelids, his sense of reasurance shining bright despite the limited view you had as he spoke softly. "You can relax, I can do this fine with you moving a little."

Opening your eyes all the way, the words admittedly acted as a switch for your lungs, which sucked in a deep breath through your nose to catch up with your deficit. Relieved and feeling a little silly, you took a few more quick inhales as he paused his painting of your face. Apparently you'd been much closer to passing out than you'd realized... When dizziness finally faded away, you looked back to him with a sheepish smile and a permissive look for him to continue. Drift smiled right back and lifted the tiny brush again with another little reminder.

"But even if I were having a problem, you staying conscious is more important than not smudging paint."

"Sorry, just don't want to mess up your hard work." You replied, now content to breathe normally but still doing your best to stay motionless atop his desk. The sentiment seemed to touch him, as there was a hint of a delay in his next brushstroke, but a little merry flash in his optics. Being appreciated in anything was still quite new for him, after all. Even with you his list of true friends remained sadly short.

"Painting these symbols is just as much about the process as the result. Taking the time to get it right, even fixing little details, is all part of it." He murmured as the tiniest touch of a miniscule brush flicked under your right eye, his voice expressing his focus until he pulled back and relaxed with a quip. "Plus, you're actually doing better than I'm used to. Rodimus is always so twitchy when we try this."

A tiny snort of laughter escaped you at the image of a frustrated Lost Light captain getting antsy in a chair. "I can believe it."

There was an unusually long pause as Drift seemed to survey his work, mouth pressing into a thin line before he held up a bot sized mirror and looked at you with an expression just barely restraining hope for approval.

"Here, want to see so far?"

There was no need to exaggerate; you loved it. A part of you wished the intricate red could be permanent due to how beautiful it looked on your features, especially with how perfect the symbols were at accentuating what you liked most about your appearance. Tilting your head from side to side, you admired the expert craftsmanship with a smile impossible to hide, and were emphatic in expressing your thoughts.

"Drift, it looks amazing!"

"I'm glad..." He said on a sigh of relief, backtracking under the guise of a fake cough moments later. "I'm glad you like it! These patterns and colors are a very pure expression of friendship, so getting them right is... Yeah."

Seeing him so vulnerable pulled out the same desire to comfort him that had started your relationship, though unlike then you were totally certain now as you laid a proportionally tiny hand on his. "Marks or no marks, you're still my best friend."

Despite how casual the words left your lips, he looked just as touched as he'd been at your initial interaction in the canteen, and seemed quite affected as he lowered the mirror and replied. "You mean it?"

"Always." Came your automatic response.

---------------------------------

The Lost Light, being as massive as it was, had a wealth of rooms including viewing decks up for grabs at any given time. With one wall consisting almost entirely of windows to view the beauty of the cosmos, and plenty of space to set up furniture or whatever else one might need, they were a naturally popular choice for social gatherings. While some in ideal positions had become more sought after than others, they were plentiful enough that any given bot had no need to worry about being unable to find a space for any occasion. Thus they were perfect for gatherings of any size at any time for all who called the ship home.

Despite the ease of procuring such a space on demand, however, Drift had been quite insistent on the specific one he'd rushed you towards without warning. Accustomed to his often sporadic ideas, you'd happily let him carry your tiny form in his broad arms when he promised explanations would be coming. Admittedly the fact that he'd appeared nervous had given you some pause though...

Until you'd actually seen the viewing deck and what he'd arranged within.

Framed almost as if by hand, a brilliant red cloud of space dust sparkled in the infinite blackness beyond, giving the room a soft glow akin to a warm fire or a fantastic sunset. Spectralism heralded such a color as one of friendship and eternal bonds, and as you took in the recently arranged decorations around the room that made a brilliant kind of sense. From the gem studded light strings wound about the ceiling, to the crystalline flowers flanking the door, and the little table in the center draped in fabric to look somewhat like an altar, it's clear the whole room has become a Spectralist symbol of true companionship. With everything you two have been through together, you have a good feeling as to why. It's so touching you actually have to fight the urge to cry.

"I spent so long getting everything ready, the nebula kind of snuck up on me..." He said bashfully, still holding you in his hands as he walked forward with a little sigh. The story painted a clear image in your head of a studiously decorating bot looking up to be surprised by a giant anomaly in space, as if it was a guest arriving earlier than it was supposed to, and you had to chuckle at his adorable nature. "But I don't want to miss it, so I hope you'll forgive me if things aren't perfect. The backdrop is just too important."

Certain as you were about the purpose of all this, you still decided to open with a question, letting your friend take the lead with you as support. "What is it the backdrop for?"

"I think you know, but..." He said, smiling through significant nerves despite how clear it was you were fully on board. For all of his progress, the poor bot was still easily overwhelmed by doubt. The fact that he'd made this attempt all on his own, even with obvious anxiety every step of the way, made you proud as much as you were touched by his gesture. Approaching the little table, he set you down on it with a deep ventilation. Something quite positive but weighty needed to come off his chest.

"You've only been in my life a little while, yet every day our friendship has gotten stronger, Y/N. You're one of the few people who can look past my mistakes, and you remind me why I want to be better in the first place. I want to let you know how truly I value your companionship."

Though he spoke quickly, enough that he clearly had memorized the words and worried about saying every one, you were absolutely touched near to the point of tears. He'd spoken about Amica Endura in the past, particularly as of late when he'd dropped not so subtle tests to gauge your feelings on the topic, but nothing could have prepared you for him actually requesting such a thing of you. It was the deepest expression of platonic love known to his kind, meant for friendships that endured through their seemingly endless lifetimes. To be considered worthy of such a thing simply made your heart feel like bursting with gratitude.

Lowering his voice a tad, as if to separate his next sentence from everything else, he offered you a hand and smiled softly but warmly in the delicate light.

"If... If you're okay with it... I'd like to become Amica Endura. I know you mentioned the idea sounded good, and that I'm you're best friend, but I just want to check." He said, speaking so tenderly you might have forgotten he was multiple times your own height. Happier than you could convey in words, you nodded and had to sniffle back some tears. To think of the suffering this bot had endured, the exclusion and bullying he went through every day, yet still he found the strength to be so kind... What were the odds a little human would end up meaning so much to him? At your dotting of tears, he tenderly tilted your chin upwards. "Y/N?"

"Sorry, just... You know I can be a sap." You said through a laughing sob, brushing away the wetness from your eyes to see him clearly when you spoke next. Holding one of his digits, you put your heart and soul into every word. It felt somewhat akin to baring a spark of your own. "But I do want to be Amica, for real. You're my best friend and I want that to be forever."

There was an immediate dampness in his optics, but he pushed it back with a few quick cycles of his shutters. Putting on the most wobbly of smiles, he lifted both hands and had you lay your own atop his digits, the closest the two of you could get to clasping them together. "Okay, I... I just hold your hands, say some words, and then you say "today, tomorrow, and always" after I do. Got it?"

Nodding, you watched in awe as he leaned back and opened his spark casing, revealing the brilliant glow of his essence to blend with the soft light already present, making it look like a miniature star was flaring in his chest. Cycling another vent, he looked into your eyes as he began.

"I bid you stand in the glow of my spark, so that you may feel the heat of my words and know them to be true."

The fact that the words were meant to be purely allegorical didn't make them any less powerful. You really could feel warmth from him, but almost on a different level than you'd ever experienced before, as if your happiness and his were filling the air between you. Perhaps the Spectralist beliefs about color connecting to emotion was true in ways you hadn't expected. Light from the cosmic cloud outside almost seemed to give his words the backdrop they needed to truly connect as he wanted, allowing every one to go straight to your heart and fill it with all the warmth and love he felt for you every day.

"I invite you to receive my light and in doing so become my Amica Endura—from now until forever."

You squeezed his hands softly as he hiccuped just a little, encouraging him to continue, and his voice broke a tad as he did.

"Y/N, for your empathy... As you are to me, may I be to you—today, tomorrow, and always."

A bit of coaxing was needed when it was your turn, not because you were hesitant but rather due to how difficult speech was while emotions overflowed your heart. Shamelessly sniffling and letting happy tears fall down a beaming smile, you took a deep breath at his soft look of reasurance. He trusted you to take your time in this.

"Today, tomorrow, and always." You said to seal the bond, meaning it with every fiber of your tiny being to stand by this bot to the end of your days. The two of you had met by chance, had started to bond over the littlest of moments, and now you were here. It was more perfect than things often went for anyone. Yet there was no need to question the how or why, especially when it led to a friendship as pure as this one. As he closed his spark chamber, you felt residual warmth in the air like the lingering of an embrace.

Which became a very real one when he scooped you up for a hug that was wordlessly agreed upon. Unable to wrap your arms around him at all, you settled for holding them wide and letting him press you close, feeling the smoothness of his heated armor as it hummed with life. Despite being as tiny as you were, it seemed quite apparent the hug was as powerful for him as it was for you. Tiny, happy sobs occasionally bounced his shoulders like little hiccups. It was a moment you could have lived in forever.

When he parted to give you a grin so genuine it confidently displayed his sharpened dentae, you did the same, unable to believe such little things could have the most wonderful of outcomes.

Support me here if you like my writing! Every donation helps me secure more time to create, and the same goes for commissions, which are always available!

#transformers #maccadam #mtmte #more than meets the eye #lost light #ll #idw #tf #my writing #commission #kofi #kofi commission #human reader #self insert #platonic #amica endura #drift

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villainousshakespeare · 5 years

Text

Team Bonding

An Avenger!Loki/Reader One Shot

Warnings: drinking, implied smut, silliness

“No,” Loki said, crossing his arms over his breast.

“Please Loki,” you wheedled, batting your eyes at him.

“Absolutely not.”

“For me?” you tried, biting your lip and looking at him entreatingly.

“Stop that at once,” he commanded, taking an involuntary step towards you.

“Stop what?” you asked innocently. “I’m not doing anything.”

“You know exactly what you are doing. You are preying on my affection for you to try and get me participate in a pointless ritual with people I hold in disdain.”

“Is it working?” you asked, an impish grin slipping through your mask of innocence.

“Do you have any idea,” he asked in a growl, slipping an arm around your waist and drawing you against his hard, muscled chest, “what I would do with you tonight were I to stay here rather than waste my time with fools and drunkards?”

As his eyes bored a hole into your soul, you wavered a bit in your resolve to push him into this. The idea of spending the night lost in his embrace, letting him push you to the outer limits of your passions and then beyond, was so enticing that it was suddenly you struggling to resist his beguilement. When he started nibbling a path from your ear down the side of your neck while his hands roamed the contours of your body, you were more than ready to surrender to his plan.

“I suppose there will be other opportunities...”

“That’s my girl,” he grinned, moving to claim your lips.

“Did you convince him?” Thor demanded in his booming, jovial voice, bursting into your rooms without knocking.

Embarrassed at how easily you had succumbed to his temptation, you pulled away from Loki and smiled guiltily at Thor.

“Brother, go away. Now,” Loki snapped, looking at you with hot, hooded eyes.

“I will,” Thor smiled, ignoring Loki’s rudeness, “But I am taking you with me!”

“What?” Loki looked between the two of you. “Pet, have you been conspiring against me with my brother?”

“For your own good, Loki!” Thor grinned, winking at you conspiratorially.

“Hrumph!”

“Loki,” you sighed, stroking his arm while trying to keep from being pulled back into his embrace. “You are working with the team now. In order for this to work, you have to bond with them, at least a little. Going out for a drink after a successful mission is a part of this.”

“It is true, Brother,” Thor nodded sagely. “I gained much more respect for mortals after watching friend Stark drink. It was a truly impressive feat.”

“Please Loki,” you said seriously, looking him in the eye. “We want them to like you, to trust you. Spending some time socializing with you will help them see that you are not all bad.”

“Not all bad?” he echoed, raising and eyebrow.

“You did try to kill most of them,” Thor pointed out.

“This truly matters to you?” Loki asked you with a sigh.

“It does,” you nodded.

“Very well,” he groaned. “I will do it. But you will owe me, darling. I plan on collecting every bit of that when I return.”

The way his eyes raked over you as he promised this set your blood pounding in your ears and your pupils widening with lust. He kissed you deeply, just to show you what you would be missing by sending him away you were sure, and allowed Thor to lead him out the door.

***

It was hours later when loud, painfully off key singing startled you from where you lounged on your sofa. Marking your place in the novel you had been reading to pass the time while you waited for Loki’s return, you scampered across the room and opened the door.

Coming down the hall towards your rooms were the Odinson brothers. Thor, clearly not entirely sober himself, was all but holding Loki up as your personal God sang lustily as he was dragged along by his older brother.

“How did it go?” you asked, smiling at them.

“My woman!” Loki called out, halting his song. “Brother, is she not the most beautiful, sensual, desirable creature you have ever seen?”

You blushed as Loki eyed you lecherously, all but licking his lips.

“She is very lovely,” Thor said solemnly.

“How dare you!” Loki barked, pushing away from his brother to topple towards you, almost knocking you down as looped his arms around your neck. “Stay away from her! She is mine! My woman. Mine, mine, mine!”

“Of course, Brother, I would never seek to take her from you.”

“You could not,” Loki insisted, flopping onto the sofa and pulling down onto his lap. “She is completely devoted to me. Aren’t you, love?”

“Yes Loki,” you smiled at him, fondly. “So? Did you make friends? Did you bond with the team? Shall this become a regular event?”

“Actually,” Thor looked abashed, “I think it might be best if we put a pause on Loki drinking with the team.”

“Oh no,” you groaned. “Was he his usual standoffish self?”

“Not at all,” Thor quickly replied. “He was very engaged.”

“We are engaged!” Loki smiled, picking up your left hand and showing Thor the large emerald ring that decorated your finger. “Mine.”

“Then what happened?” you asked, as Loki began braiding a short section of you hair.

“I was sociable!” Loki assured you. “Just like you asked.”

“He was,” Thor nodded. “He and Barton had a lively game of darts.”

“Did anyone lose an eye?” you queried.

“Not at all!” Loki beamed. “We both hit the bullseye every time! I still won, of course.”

“He cheated,” Thor said flatly.

“You wound me!” Loki placed one hand over his heart.

“How?” you asked.

“Clint hit the bullseye, of course. But every dart he landed Loki split in two. With seidr guided arrows.”

“Prove it,” Loki smirked.

“You had never played the game before,” Thor accused.

“I am amazingly skilled with my hands,” Loki bragged, puffing out his chest. “Just asked my fiancé.”

“Loki, not now,” you scolded, moving his hand from where it was sneaking up the leg of your sleep shorts.

“In any case,” Thor went on quickly, looking away from the scene the two of you were making, “Barton became so frustrated, knowing Loki was cheating but unable to prove it, that he shot an arrow into the dart board.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad,” you said hopefully.

“He used one of his exploding arrows.”

“BOOM!” Loki shouted, collapsing into giggles.

“Oh dear,” you worried, chewing on your lip. “Was that the worst of it?”

“Well...” Thor tugged at his collar.

“Oh God.”

“Yes love?” Loki asked from where he had fallen backwards.

“You know how Stark is,” Thor said.

“Oh God,” you repeated.

“I’m right here!”

“He was singing the praises of a new scotch he had found. Very tasty drink, in its way...”

“For children,” Loki scoffed.

“So Loki offered him some Asgardian Wine.”

“From my own private collection,” your God put in. “He should have been honored.

“You also gave one to his spider child,” Thor said repressively.

“Loki!” You admonished him. “Peter is a child!”

“You’re all children,” Loki shrugged. “How am I to tell the difference in your ridiculous ages!”

“What did Tony do?”

“Drank both, of course,” Thor supplies the inevitable.

“He enjoyed it!” Loki insisted.

“Until he regurgitated in his armor!”

“Why was he in his armor?” You asked, looking from one to the other. “No, never mind, Tony is not my problem.”

“His conversation with Banner may have been the worst of it,” Thor mused.

“I don’t even want to know,” you groaned.

“I was graciously sharing my expertise!” Loki insisted.

“About?” You asked, dreading the answer.

“Women, love,” he grinned at you, taking your hand and biting your wrist. “What else?”

“He was giving him advice on how to court Natasha,” Thor sighed.

“Oh no,” you groaned.

“With Natasha right there.”

“Oh no.”

“I must admit, I have never heard ‘Hulk smash’ used in quite that context before.”

“Loki!” You took a deep breath as your mind reeled at the implications. “How is he still alive? I would have thought she would have killed him.”

“As if she could!” Loki was mortally offended.

“He stole her knives.”

“I’m stealthy,” Loki obviously was feeling proud of himself.

“At that point I decided it was probably best I get him out of there. For the sake of the furniture if nothing else. Tempers were getting a bit frayed.”

“Well, at least you escaped unscathed,” you sighed, giving Thor a weak smile.

“That’s what you think!” Loki grinned.

“What? What did you do to Thor?” You demanded, finally at your limit.

“Well, I did have those pretty daggers... it would have been a waste not to use them. And I wan’t ready to go yet.”

You stared at Thor in horror and he at last turned around and showed you the slice in his shirt and ths bloody bandage beneath.

“You stabbed you brother?!?”

“Just a little,” was Loki’s excuse. “And no where important.”

“Don’t worry,” Thor assured you. “I’ve had worse. From him in fact.”

“All quite deserves,” Loki insisted.

“Alright,” you shook your head, amused despite yourself. “Obviously you are not ready for socializing yet. Thor, thank you for trying, but I think you are right. Let’s stick to work only for the moment. At least until everyone calms down.”

“You are a wise woman,” Thor nodded owlishly. “And now, if you will excuse me, I will seek my bed.”

“Yes, leave,” Loki ordered him, pointing at the door.

“Loki!” Truly, you didn’t know why you even bothered. “Good night, Thor.”

Closing the door behind the blond god, you turned to find you beloved smiling at you, eyes dark and sly in his handsome face.

“And now, darling,” he purred, all hint of intoxication wipes from his voice, “I believe someone has a debt to repay.”

“You are not drunk!” You stated the obvious.

“On a few measly glasses of wine?” He scoffed. “Hardly.”

“You promised!”

“I said I would go,” he smirked. “I went.”

“They will never invite you again,” you said.

“One can only hope. After all love, think of all the better ways we have to spend our evenings.”

As he began kissing your shoulder as he said this, you found it hard to disagree. Well, you had tried your best. It wasn’t your fault Loki was impossible. He would have to bond with the team in his own way and time.

“Shall we retire pet?” He asked, already dragging you towards the bedroom.

“On one condition,” you giggled.

“And that is?” Loki raised one speaking eyebrow at you.

“You tell me just how you described ‘Hulk smash,’” you laughed.

“I will do you one better than that pet,” he said, tossing you easily over one of his broad shoulders. “I will show you!”

As you shrieked with fake indignation he carriesdyou into the bedroom. Maybe he was right. There were definite benefits to a quite, or even a very loud, night in.

@devilish--doll @thecutestlittlebunbunfairy @caffiend-queen

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mishamoonberry · 7 years

Text

It’s Not So Useless After All

A continuation of It’s Useless if Not With you and It’s Useless if You Don’t Realize

Also available on AO3

in which kakashi decides to confess... badly, that is.

Largely inspired by AKMU’S I Love You

It is caused by both encouragement and exasperation, that Hatake Kakashi, a healthy young man by the age of seventeen, finally decides to confess.

Mind you, it's only the decision to do it, not that he has done it... yet.

It's almost been three years since he fell in love with his former deskmate Haruno Sakura, a pink haired young woman who reeks of obliviousness and naivete. And it's almost been three years since his unsuccessful and helpless pining, to the point that even people who aren't involved in his love live--or the lack thereof--becomes so worked up that they demand him to just confess already.

The poor, poor spectators are including but not limited to Uchiha Obito, his childhood friend and best friend (despite what the both of them may say to each other's faces) who is so Done with every stupid shenanigans that erupts whenever Kakashi becomes too besotted near Sakura (which is blasphemy, in Kakashi's opinion, because surely he doesn't look that stupid when he gazes at her. This opinion, however, is quickly shut down by a deadpan stare from the Uchiha) and Nohara Rin, Obito's girlfriend and his bestfriend, who probably just tags along for her own amusement.

There are the little brats, the Uzumaki and his bestfriend tomato lover boy--whose name, for the love of God, Kakashi cannot remember--who is Obito's cousin, who also put their own yen in it, exclaiming that Kakashi-nii needs to stop being a coward, which probably fuels his determination to do it. Because as suave as he can be, he will not back down from a challenge, thank you very much. His healthy seventeen year old soul just won't permit it. He has to!

And, well, that, and the fact that he's getting tired of chasing her around as well.

(Like a puppy, Rin quips happily, her smile too innocent to be truly innocent, and Kakashi gives her the long suffering look she totally deserves).

He likes her, he really do.

He likes how she smiles, how she plays with her hair, how she laughs loudly without much care of the world, how she curses and flusters, how she's always ready to smack him whenever he says something way too stupid, how she's so smart and emotional and how she has some freckles on her cheeks, some blackheads on her nose that she doesn't care much to clean, the color of her eyes, the shape of her lips, and many, many things that he can list down.

He talks about it enough with Obito. The poor guy already says he knows too much about Sakura that it's becoming uncomfortable, and he totally doesn't want to know Kakashi's silly romantic fantasies, thank you very much.

Sometimes Obito wonders why must he has a sap for a best friend.

A hopeless romantic. Obito wants to barf.

It's not like you're any different, you know, Rin will always say that to him, her eyes twinkling in amusement, and Obito stubbornly refuses the implication that both of them are similar in terms of dorkiness, raising his nose and harrumphing to make his point.

Anyway, the point is that, Kakashi is finally ready to confess.

He's ready. He's finally ready.

He's....

"..." His body does a full tremble and he attempts to walk back to his home, "...maybe tomorrow would be better."

"Oh, hell no!" Obito shouts, pushing the flailing teen forcefully out of the gates of his house. "You promised to do this and you're going to do this now! Besides, you already invited her!"

"I can just say I got a stomachache!" Kakashi shouts back, his hand going toward his jeans pocket where his phone is, only to be seized by Obito's bigger hand. "Obito!"

"No!" The Uchiha growls, "you don't get to back down now that you already made up your mind, Bakakashi!"

The Hatake's face is red, whether from mortification, anger or embarrassment Obito doesn't really know. Although his face has been red ever since he managed to invite Sakura on a date. Not that he said it like that, or that Sakura would realize, being the oblivious girl that she is.

"My zodiac fortune today is very unlucky!" He says as an excuse.

Obito is quick to reply, "you never believed that shit anyway, Bakakashi!"

"Rin!" Obito shouts, and the brown haired woman moves, using her quick fingers to swipe Kakashi's cellphone from his pocket. The silver haired teen lets out a strangled whining sound behind his typical surgical mask, while Obito methodically practically dragging him toward a specific place.

[Are you on your way?] Rin types, sending the message to Sakura's chatroom. It's a good thing that Kakashi messages like an old man, all with correct grammar and everything else, so there will be no suspicion over suddenly changing messaging style whatsoever.

[Yeah!] Comes Sakura's reply. [I'm otw! Be there in 15m!]

[Okay. I'm on my way too.]

"She's on her way," Rin informs her boys, slipping the phone back to Kakashi's pocket. "No running away now, Kakashi-kun."

Kakashi groans, his cheeks still pink.

"It won't be that bad," she tries to placate him, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder as they get nearer to the restaurant he asked Sakura to meet him at. "At least after this, you would have already told her how you really feel."

Kakashi sighs.

Then, a few moments later, "...my stomach really hurts this time."

"Suck it up, Bakashi," Obito growls, crossing his arms. "Just go reserve a seat and wait for her. And do it properly."

"...I'm never helping you to plan for your dates ever again," Kakashi mumbles, ignoring how Obito's face explodes in red and Rin glances inquiringly at the flustered Uchiha. He rubs his stomach, mostlikely aching thanks to his nervousness, and takes a deep breath. "Okay. Okay. I'm doing this."

"Goodluck!" Rin gives him a thumbs up, and drags Obito away from the restaurant. It won't do if Sakura sees them, after all.

Kakashi lets out a shaky breath, and makes his way into the restaurant. The place isn't that fancy either. It's a family restaurant that serves tasty pasta, and both he and Sakura likes the place because it serves good food and that it's comfortable. He can't think of any other better place to confess to her. Surely, this place must be enough right? He doesn't really like the overly fancy stuff anyway.

I'm fretting again, he sighs to himself. Checking his watch, he thinks it's probably not much longer before Sakura arrives.

Well. Time to prepare.

Somewhat.

XXX

The remaining five minutes wait is nerve wracking for Kakashi. He tries to find a smooth sentence or any kind of way to smoothly tell Sakura on how much he likes her, but ends up being too corny for comfort or too rude. Perhaps this is why he always almost ends up kind of insulting to Sakura, thanks to his brutal honesty and bluntness.

And, well, perhaps, he should be exactly that? Blunt. Honest.

That's a great idea, he thinks then, I can just blurt it out and be done with it.

Steeling his resolve, Kakashi nods.

Okay.

He can do this.

XXX

When Sakura comes into view, he momentarily forgets his own apprehension and nervousness as he catches sight of her. She's wearing a yellow blouse and cream skirt, a yellow headband with white polkadots, and as she smiles genuinely wide at him, he feels that his heart skipping a beat is totally justified.

"Kakashi! Did you wait long?" She asks, taking a seat in front of him, setting down her peach colored bag.

Kakashi clears his throat. "No. Not really."

The first few minutes flow smoothly. They talk about their day, Kakashi expertly avoiding to mention about Obito and Rin putting up a fuss on his confession plan and bodily dragging him to their meeting place. It all goes smoothly until after they order their respective foods and drinks, when Sakura glances at him with a smile and those bright green eyes and--

Gosh. He's really too deep in this.

Clearing his throat, Kakashi tries to find something to say. He opens his mouth, and yet it seems his voice refuses to come out for some reason. His hands are clammy with sweat, and he curls them into fists, positioned perfectly on top of his lap. He clears his throat again.

"Kakashi?" Sakura's eyebrow furrows. "Are you catching a cold?"

"What? No!" He says, "N-No. I, ah," he raises his hand to flap them back and forth, "I was thinking."

"You never stop thinking, don't you," she mutters, tapping her finger on the table.

"Yeah, well," I never stop thinking about you, "I kinda want to tell you something, actually."

Sakura nods, "I figured. You don't usually invite me like this."

Kakashi raises his eyebrow, "I don't?" He certainly remembers other days he tried to ask her on a date and her thinking it as a simple outing between friends.

"Not on holidays," she clarifies, "you usually prefer to nap with your dogs."

"A very wonderful activity, I assure you," he nods seriously, elated when he successfully makes her giggle. "I think my dogs miss me already."

He glances at the two figures behind Sakura, hidden behind a cream colored wall. Kakashi wants to click on his tongue. Of course Obito and Rin would stick around. Of course. In fact, Obito is glaring at him, probably thinking he's going to use his dogs as an excuse to run off.

Rin just looks interested.

"Anyway," he continues, trying to gather his resolve. Just be blunt, he tells himself. Just tell them outright. "I called you here because, um."

"Because...?" She inquires, tilting her head.

"I want to, ah," he clears his throat, scratching his covered cheek with a finger. He's so very glad he's still wearing the surgical mask, it will be more nerve wrecking if it's the opposite. She will get a clear view of his expression after all. "I want to tell you that--"

Out with it! Obito's eyes seem to say to him through his glare.

"I like you," he whispers, clearing his throat once again and blurts it out, this time a little bit easier and louder than the first, "I like you."

Sakura blinks.

Her expression shows wonder, and there's color creeping on her cheeks before she seems to forcefully blinks them away, smiling easily as she says, "Oh? Sure. I like you too."

Kakashi's brain chooses that moment to short circuit.

"I mean, you're a great friend," Sakura continues, oblivious to his sudden internal screaming, "even though you're a jerk sometimes, you know? I think we even can be considered as best friends alread--"

He slams his forehead on the table.

Sakura yelps.

"That's not what I meant," he mumbles, his voice muffled thanks to the mask and the table.

Sakura seems to be fumbling, "K-Ka-Kakashi? What? Are you okay? What's wrong?"

"That's not what I meant," he says, stronger this time. His embarrassment has been washed away by some anger, and more mortification as well as exasperation. "I didn't mean as friends, pinky."

Sakura reflexively bristles at the nickname, "don't call me pin--! Wait. What?"

He glances up to stare at her, his dark eyes looking more tired than ever. "I don't like you as a friend. I like you as more than friends."

Sakura blinks.

She blinks again.

And then, realization seeps in.

The changes are instantaneous. Sakura's face turns red, her jaw drops as she lets out a loud "EEEH?". Kakashi chooses that moment to slam his head on the table again thanks to how ridiculous all of these are.

"W-Wait, you never told me!" Sakura says, her cheeks aflame.

"I just told you that!" Kakashi says, exasperated. "I like you, more than just friends!"

Another screech leaves Sakura's lips, her hands reaching up to cover her mouth as she lets out a stammer. "S-Si-Since when?! How? Why?!"

"Since three years ago," he deadpans at Sakura who chokes at his answer. "And I like you because you're... well, you."

"T-T-Three--" She stutters, before she seems to gather herself together and proceeds to berate him, out of all things. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?!"

"You think I didn't try to?" He says, straightening himself on his seat. "Those outings, the things I said to you, the fucking kiss-- What did you think of it as?!"

"I thought that was just you being a tease!" She defends herself, slamming her fist on the table. "I didn't think you'd like me too!"

"Well, I don't tease everyone!"

"You teased Obito!"

"That was different!"

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"Too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

"Not!" He shakes his head. Why is he doing this? "Anyway, I've said it! I'm not gonna say it again." He crosses his arms, looking off to the side as his eyebrows furrowed. He hasn't heard Sakura's answer to his confession. Has he missed it? Perhaps. Probably not. The point stands that he hasn't heard her answer just yet, and he despairs that it might be a rejection of some sort.

"What?" Sakura breathes out, sounding annoyed. "Why not? You said you like me!"

While it's hidden by the white mask, Kakashi is pretty sure Sakura knows that he's pouting, considering how close they actually are. "...You haven't answered it yet."

Sakura blinks. She looks surprised.

"I totally did!" She says, leaning forward. "I said, I didn't expect you to like me too."

It's Kakashi's turn to blink. He moves his gaze to Sakura, who smiles at her. Her gaze is warm, although there is still the lingering pink on her cheeks and the wonder in her eyes, as if she cannot believe what is happening with her at this moment. Kakashi can sympathize, really. He cannot believe this is happening either.

"Then," he breathes out, "that means--"

"I like you too, Kashi," she says, "and I apologize for not noticing it much sooner." Laughing nervously, she rubs the back of her head. "I always thought I'm out of your league or something... Or that you won't like me that way or something..."

"That's not true," he mumbles, "you're really wonderful. Though you were oblivious."

Sakura blushes, nodding, suddenly shy. "So... Does this make this... a date?"

Kakashi hums. He has thought of every outing with her as something similar as a date. But this is the first time the both of them has a similar line of thought.

It's... nice, he supposes.

He glances at his two companion. Obito looks exasperated, while Rin looks satisfied.

Focusing his gaze back to the pink haired teen, he smiles, eyes crinkling. "It's a date."

And there will be many more dates to come.

XXX

Bonus:

"Are they honestly screaming to each other?" Obito grouches out, his eyes staring at the childish pair throwing was too and was not at each other like the children they are.

"Oh my," Rin simply says, sounding both amused and worried at the same time. Obito doesn't know how she manages that.

"This is stupid," he sighs, "can we just leave?"

"Ah, but I haven't heard Sakura-chan's answer, yet!" Rin pouts, "at least not properly."

"I'm not sticking by until they're done with their... date."

"Of course not," Rin soothes him, "just until this part is over. After that we can go to the movies."

He perks up. "Can we watch Spiderman?"

Rin smiles. "Sure, big boy."

#hatake kakashi #haruno sakura #naruto #kakasaku #kakasaku au #misha writes

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thesinglesjukebox · 7 years

Video

youtube

KATY PERRY FT. MIGOS - BON APPETIT [3.53] In which the Jukebox is told it's not getting any dessert until it's finished its Monday singles...

Rachel Bowles: Musing about cunnilingus is the finest thing a person can do, if she's good at it. Narrowed down to just vagina-as-food songs, Perry's extended mixed-metaphor is still easily outclassed, even by Iggy Azalea. As evidenced in this list, cunnilingus anthems have been largely pioneered and perfected by Black women (Janet Jackson, Lil Kim, TLC, etc.) those with the double curse of misogynoir proudly contradicting the patriarchal capitalist message that vaginas are disgusting and only for fucking. A good cunnilingus song makes women high five on dance floors, feel sexy and genuinely empowered. Personally, I prefer obscene instructional songs (Khia, "My Neck, My Back") over those with faux-coquettish metaphor (Christina Aguilera ft. Nicki Minaj, "Woohoo") but in Blow, Beyonce found the perfect balance: sexy imagery with a direct order, delivered with female solidarity in the echoed "Turn that cherry out!" "Got me spread like a buffet" to some generic summer EDM synths just doesn't compare. [3]

Iain Mew: Weird to hear a Katy Perry single where the lyrical issue isn't awkwardly cramming in sexual references, so much as incoherence as a result of failing to properly commit to the obvious cunnilingus angle. The low-key sweetness of the production and her restraint still makes it a better listen than most, and the two note-four note hop-skip in the chorus works even better than it did in Anne-Marie's "Ciao Adios." [6]

Katherine St Asaph: Christ, without Bonnie McKee's involvement Katy Perry really does go right back to One of the Boys leftovers with an Anne-Marie melody. In a just world, such a demonstration of value over replacement songwriter would earn McKee something, like maybe, I don't know, sales. In this one we get midtempo blahs I guess are supposed to signify sexiness, a cursory Migos feature fresh off their Capitol signing, and likely not even a hit to show for it. [2]

Danilo Bortoli: Fabricating hatred has never been easier in 2017. "Bon Appetit" might have received all the negative press it deserves, but that happened for all the wrong reasons. Over time, however, consensus was formed: this is the most soulless Katy has been in years. Nothing works. Migos are out of place here (as a solo version proves). And, of course, the track seems like the result of a pun contest's last place entry (apparently, this is a real and tasteless thing). No joke intended -- but the song itself, that is. [2]

Alfred Soto: "Five-star Michelin," eh? I'll say this about Katy's latest amuse-bouche: it follows through on its conceit. Confirming their A-list status, Migos gets relegated to muttered quavering non-entities. [5]

Scott Mildenhall: You might feel differently, but Katy Perry singing "got me spread like a buffet" just has to be one of the worst musical moments of the year so far. As extended metaphors go, this one is executed very badly. "Table for two... I'm on the menu" -- is she advocating autocannibalism? "Bon Appetit" has the ridiculousness of Perry's worst, most affectedly wacky singles, yet sounds like it's being played with a straight face, and that's quite a weird place to be. The shimmering production is enjoyable, but the words are so egregious that they're hard to ignore. [4]

Cassy Gress: This is arguably the least sexy sex song I've ever heard. Katy Perry is singing through an A/C window unit, the song just rocks back and forth between B♭ minor and B major with no resolution, Migos stops by and contributes virtually nothing, and it's a bit too close to "GOBBLE GOBBLE" for comfort for me. It manages to come off as clinical despite never explicitly referencing sex; I know I'm sort of squeamish about sex talk, but blugh. I'd rather listen to "Touch It." [1]

William John: Katy Perry whispering unsexy, overwrought metaphors over boilerplate house reads poorly as a primer, but remains a more tantalising proposition than faded xeroxes of 80s synthpop with vacant "let's save the world" platitudes. A few extra marks for the intermittent whoops, which nod reverently to Crazy Cousins' classic "Inflation" (at least in my head) and Migos, who may have phoned in their guest spot but deliver it lithely nonetheless. [5]

Katie Gill: Turns out "Chained to the Rhythm" was just a fluke! No, Katy Perry's going to continue to make songs about sex with dumb metaphors stretched to high heaven, warped into near unrecognition. It's an even tackier version of "Birthday", where the best thing is the Migos break and the worst thing is the impossibly tacky dancehall stylings. Possibly the most interesting thing about this song is the cannibalistic implications -- "I'm on the menu"? Really? -- which has the potential to be thought provoking, so of course that means Perry's going to ignore it. [3]

Joshua Copperman: Between "lemiteiku" and "the worldsbestcherryPIe", this melodic math was a bit miscalculated. And that's before the chorus, which is possibly the worst Katy Perry melody ever, even counting "This Is How We Do". Unusual for Max Martin, as far as I can tell, the chord progression is limited to B♭m-B the whole way through -- apparently they couldn't even be bothered to use four chords. Migos' verses aren't bad, and I smiled at "appetite for seduction," but those are all the positives I could think of for this half-assed song that makes me wish a portmanteau of somnambulance and cannibalism was possible (somnamibalism?). I assumed that "Bon Appetit" would grow on me over the summer, but as it's currently flopping after just one week of existence, I'll never even get the opportunity to hate-then-enjoy it. [3]

Will Adams: Against my better judgment, I clicked on the Tasty video in which Katy Perry prepares the "world's best cherry pie" (take: this is an impossible task because there's no such thing as a cherry pie that's anything but gross). But my regret soon turned into high enjoyment as I listened to Katy ramble incoherently in some misguided attempt to create a Genius annotation live. As with "Chained to the Rhythm," there's so much effort to legitimize the nonsense pouring out of her mouth: 1. She claims there are "easter eggs" in the lyrics; I think she just means euphemisms. 2. What the hell kind of songs has she heard where "cherry pie" was not sexualized? 3. That she's trying to connect this to the cherry Chapstick in "I Kissed a Girl" shows she still hasn't realized she should probably disown that song. It's all so tiresome; "Birthday" worked because it leaned into the cheesiness, but "Bon Appetit" goes serious with its Cobb salad of food-based innuendo, a concept I've rarely heard executed well. Fold in some perfunctory Migos, overdress with the entire world's supply of reverb, and... oh fuck, now I'm doing it. [4]

Anthony Easton: I adore the gossip about Perry's fighting around her new aesthetic with the label, who apparently is worried about sales. I have no idea if this will revive her fortunes; it's not quite anonymous, but it pushes her against Migos, and Migos wins -- working against each other, doubling down on a cryptic chorus, becoming very close to being a hook singer. It's not sexy, even if it is about sex, and this kind of disembodied paen to the abstract idea of desire complicates Perry's previous perceptions. It's not quite a meal, but it does seem to have that vague whiff of nausea after eating too much candy. [8]

Thomas Inskeep: I guess, seeing that "woke Katy" didn't exactly burn up the charts, her camp/label/some-combo-thereof decided "we better go back to the clumsy sex songs, fast!" Because, you know, nothing's sexier than hearing someone say they're "spread like a buffet." (Pardon me while I throw up a little in my mouth.) I'm sad to hear Migos doing a clear cash-in bridge rap here, because they're so much better than this. Max Martin and Shellback's track isn't bad, but it's sonically awfully slight. Ironic to hear Perry saying "bon appetit," because there's no major pop star whose music I find less appetizing. [1]

Edward Okulicz: Pop stars get hot but they don't stay hot forever, and if this uninteresting ode to Katy Perry's vagina returns her to the top spot, then there is no explanation other than massive amounts of payola and a bunch of Capitol Records interns doing nothing but stream this 24 hours a day. I couldn't last 24 minutes of the title's non-punchline squeezed, against the laws of nature, into this non-chorus. [2]

Jonathan Bradley: I have a Spotify playlist of Katy Perry songs that runs for about 50 minutes. That's not an extensive running time for a ten year long career, but it contains some songs that are very good and some songs that are very stupid and also some songs that are very good and very stupid at the same time. Perry has had five songs off a single album reach the top of the Billboard Hot 100 -- as well as a sixth from a re-issued version. She's been risible and racist and homophobic and "woke" and "inspirational" and fantastic, and even birthed a meme from her Super Bowl performance, but on "Bon Appetit," she's nothing. This is a public-domain club groove and a Migos verse that couldn't deliver the rap group unto dance even as effectively as Calvin Harris did. If, immediately after "Ur So Gay" dropped, someone time-travelled to 2017, could you convince them off the strength of this single that, in the interim decade, Katy Perry had been one of America's biggest pop stars? [4]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox ]

#Katy Perry #Migos

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