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apollyonsdarksecrets · 8 months

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You can call me, Sir.

Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six, Part Seven

Summery: She’s reserved, emotionally cut off, and spiraling down a dark path; one she can’t get out of on her own. Aaron Hotchner may be her only help, but at what cost? When he shows up to her hotel room, contact in hand, she realizes it may be more than what she bargained for.

Warning: 18+ Only MDNI SMUT. Language, BDSM, Dom Aaron, emotionally detached reader, typical CM violence, childhood trauma, abusive father figure, age gap (reader 25 Aaron 40) doesn’t line up with a specific time line, use of Y/n because story is set in 3rd person for the first half then switches POV, last name for reader is Smith,

Specific chapter warnings : Failed CPS case, implied abuse with belt, clothes shopping (I tried my best to be as body neutral as possible), sugar daddy Arron, sales lady is rude towards reader, Things are getting spicy, first rules, use of pet names, reader is described as having hair long enough to sweep over one shoulder, trying on clothes, Let me know if I need to add anything!

A/N: The amount of love that has been shown for this story so far has absolutely filled my heart! I’m sorry this chapter took a minute to come out, I got married last week sooooo 😍 that slowed the process down a little. Haha 💜

*~*~*~*~*~*

9 years ago

The worst part was the way her nose stung, like a million tiny needles stabbing her all at once. But she had to breath through it, because only selfish, weak, incompetent people cried. So she forced her thoughts solely on the older woman who sat across from her, her grey hair loose around her shoulders, and the bright pink blazer she wore with matching skirt. ‘I think name is Deloris?’

Not what you would have thought when you heard the term ‘CPS worker’. She smiles at the young teen as if she was Y/n’s best friend and there isn’t a care in the world as her fountain pen taps against her yellow notepad. “You’re mother must have been a lovely woman.”

A muscle in Y/n’s jaw twitches, but she manages to return Deloris’ smile briefly. “She was.”

“So is that really the reason you have been skipping school?” Her green eyes were full of mock sympathy, and Y/n can only assume how many of these ‘troubled teen cases’ she has had to work.

“Yes ma’am.” It was the 8th anniversary of Y/n’s mother’s death. Today. She can hear her father in the other room, moving about the kitchen, pretending to not be listening through the thin walls. Y/n squeezes the pillow in her lap tighter to her churning stomach, already anticipating how the rest of the night will go.

“I’m sorry, dear. I know losing a loved one can be hard, but that doesn’t mean we can go about making things hard for the ones we still have.” Deloris tilts her head, her lips in a slightly pout as she regards Y/n, who only bites her cheek to keep quiet. She drops her chin to her chest, fanning shame with a small nod, placating the woman. “Good. I’m going to go talk with your father now, I hope you understand the severity of the situation you’ve almost caused. I expect to hear you are in school tomorrow.”

Deloris doesn’t take long in the kitchen with Y/n’s father, her pitchy laughter grating on Y/n’s ears. Her father escorts the worker to the door, his hair is combed, beard neat and he’s dressed still in his work clothes. A fitted grey collard shirt and jeans. His usual Forman outfit. At one point in Y/n’s life she can remember thinking her dad had been very handsome, but that had all been before the drinking.

“Have a good evening Miss. Deloris.” Her fathers southern accent is always laid on heavy whenever he is trying to impress someone, or to get his way. And for most of his life it worked well. Y/n wonders sometimes if that is how he had charmed her mother.

As the pine door shut, Y/n closed her eyes, taking a steadying breath before the storm. When she opens her eyes again, she’s staring at the brown tweed couch across from her, out of the corner of her eye she can see her father’s still form in the archway of the living room.

The sound of leather hissing through his denim belt loops makes her stomach drop, her breath quicken in her already tight chest. “Gone an got me in trouble huh?” He folds the worn leather over in his hands, snapping it together watching as she jumps in her seat. Her gaze remains focused on the spot Miss. Deloris had occupied, the old springs and cushioning holding her shape. “You ain’t learned trouble girl.”

Present Day

It’s almost unbearable how cold it is outside, the dark clouds over head threatened to snow on the busy sidewalk as you shove your hands as far into your jacket as they will go. Aaron is pressed against your side, his arm wrapped around your back, directing you through the crowd and to the front of a large store.

Chic’s End

Your nose scrunches slightly at the different mannequins in the brightly lit windows who’s clothing is on the higher end of fashion. Pieces you’d never find in your own wardrobe. Aaron guides you towards the door but you stop abruptly shaking your head. “Hotch, aren’t there places a little less… fancy?” Your tone gives away your discomfort as you scan the nearly empty store.

Aaron sighs, stepping around you so he can look you in the eye. “Rule number one: call me Aaron when it’s just the two of us, Hotch is too formal. Now I’m sure there are, but you deserve to be a little spoiled…” He pauses, his phone vibrating in his pocket making him frown. “Now go inside, let me check this and I’ll be right in.” As he fishes for his phone he pulls open the door for you, letting you walk in with a small head rush.

‘Our first rule?’

You take the moment you have some to look around the store front, a few customers are mingling about the rows of clothing, associates putting away inventory or helping their guests. A brunette is standing at the register, her hair sprayed and pinned into a tight bun atop her head. She glances at you, her nose turned up at your simple outfit, without a word of welcome she goes back to her work.

The door is opening a moment later, a small bell going off as Aaron steps in, the icy breeze trying to follow. “Sorry, David was checking in.” His voice reaches the woman at the counter, grabbing her attention. She watches as he shrugs out of his winter jacket, her gaze fixing on the flash of jewelry on his wrist with a smile.

“Is he okay?” You ask, handing Aaron your own jacket as he hangs them on a coatrack.

“Oh yes, he’s-.”

“Good afternoon, is there anything I can help you with?” You turn, the same woman from before now standing in front of you. She’s wearing a form fitting black dress, the apparent dress code for the establishment, a silver name tag pinned to her collar reading ‘Denise.’ Gone is her dismissive attitudes from before, her blue eyes staring intently at Aaron with a sly smile.

You feel something in your chest squirm, making you take a step in front of Aaron as you pull your best smile into place. “Oh thank you, but we are just-.”

A warm hands is suddenly on your shoulder, pulling you into Aaron’s side. “We’re looking for some work attire; blouses, pants, skirts and such. Along with more casual wear.” He squeezes your shoulder as you slide him a disgruntled look.

Denise regards you with a tight lipped smile, nodding her head slightly. “Of course. Right this way.” She turns on her heel, an extra sway in her her step that makes you roll your eyes as you pull out of Aaron’s grip following her. He follows behind a few paces, regarding you with masked amusement.

She takes you to the back of the store, pointing out the sections of racks you’ll need and where on the walls you can find work appropriate pants and skirts. Denise turns to Aaron once again, stepping to close for comfort as she stares openly at his suit. “You know, we have the latest in Brioni’s suit jackets that I think would complement you rather well, Mr…” She brushes her hand against his arm and your eyes widen.

“No thank you. I’ll let you know if we need any further assistance.” Aaron comes to stand beside you, his expression hard to read as he places a hand on your lower back. Denise’s eyes narrow slightly, her smile faltering before she pulls her emotions back.

“Please do.” She saunters of, throwing one last look over her shoulder.

You laugh unbelievably, “Jesus… she was a bit forward.” You turn toward the rack beside you, picking up the first shirt your eyes land on. It’s a simple white blouse with navy blue pinstripes, the neckline is a little low for your taste but otherwise it’s very pretty. You pick up the tag and instantly drop it, your mouth falling open.

“What?” Aaron asks, sliding the clothes along the pole, looking through the selection.

“This! These clothes are way to over priced.” You turn the tag towards him, and he squints at the small numbers. ‘75.56’. He frowns slightly and you think he’s about to agree with you, call this whole ridiculous thing off until he shrugs.

“That’s not so bad.” He grins at the incredulous look you level him, showing perfect teeth. “Darling you’ll come to realize the value that comes with certain things. Soon enough you’ll see the value in yourself as well.” He chucks you under the chin softly and you think that’s it.

You’re going to explode.

Everything it too much.

“Hotch, I can’t just let you waste that kind of money on me. You don’t know what you will need it for later, bills, or -.”

Aaron steps into your space again, bending down until he’s eye level with you and you clam up. His eyes are dark, burning with an intensity that has your shoulders slumping slightly. When he speaks his voice is quiet but direct, leaving no room for misunderstanding. “What did I say our first rule was?”

You stammer, your grip tightening on the fabric still in your hands. “You said… to call you Aaron.”

“Correct. So that’s one. Now, when I say I am doing something for you, buying you something, getting you something; do not doubt me. If I couldn’t, I wouldn’t. Do I make myself clear?”

All you can do is nod, your throat dry and tongue stuck to the roof of your mouth. “Good girl. Now if you really find calling me Aaron to difficult, you can always call me sir.” You suddenly look like a fire had been lit underneath you, your face flushing a new shade of red he’d yet to see before. You turn away from him, trying to hide your emotions and aggressively shuffle through the clothes before you.

Aaron straightens with a satisfied smile.

*~*~*~*~*~*

An hour in and there is a mount pile of clothing in the cart in front of you. Everything you’ve selected draped over one side and everything Aaron selected on the other. You had found a discount rack, the red tags a twisted mess by now, but the 15% off sign did little to quell the guilt eating you.

“Okay… this is more clothes than I think Garcia even owns. I think we should-.” You’re talking absently, glancing up only to find Aaron is walking in the opposite direction of the checkout. “Oh for the love of all things holy.” You quickly follow, pulling the cart behind you as the hangers rattle together. He stops in front of a display of eloquent evening gowns and you follow his stare to the forefront of the display. A deep emerald green satin dress takes your breath away, with a sweetheart neckline and a slit that goes half way up the mannequins thigh. You peak around the back in awe, it plunges well down to the lower back, a sheer material with beautiful rhinestones occupying the negative space.

Aaron watches as you pick up the bottom of the dress, rubbing the buttery material between your fingers. “I would love to see you in it.”

You shake your head, though your focus remains on the dress. “There’s no reason to, when would I ever wear this? Besides we’ve been here for nearly an hour, if we don’t leave soon I’m sure Denise is going to jump your bones.”

Aaron chuckles at that with a shrug. “You might not be wrong, she’s been lurking around the corner ever since I took my jacket off and she caught sight of my watch.” You glance down at his wrist as he shows you a golden Rolex. You hum in understanding, putting the two together. A handsome, stylish man, with a nice suit and a watch that coasts a couple of grand. She sees dollar signs. “Go ask her for a fitting room.”

Glancing around you notice she’s no more than ten feet away, pretending to be busy with an already neatly arranged display of sweaters. You walk over, hands clasped behind your back. “Excuse me?”

She doesn’t bother to look up, her head tilted as if in contemplation as she stares at the stack in front of her. “Yes?”

Your jaw clenches slightly, but you smile regardless. “I’d like to try that green dress on, where are your dressing rooms?” That finally catches her attention, she looks around you to the dress your talking about and then to the cart beside Aaron, the red tags turned her way. With a bemused smile she finally looks you in the eye.

“Sorry, that dress isn’t on sale, dear. Maybe come back some other time.” Her high voice carries farther than she thinks, reaching Aaron who’s eyebrows raised in surprise before furrowing as anger bubbles in his chest.

Before you can say anything he is by your side, startling you both. “She didn’t ask you if it was on sale. She asked if you had a fitting room.” Denise pales, his voice is harsh and edged making her shift on her feet as she begins to stammer

“Well I… it was just-.”

“Just what? It’s a simple question, this is a clothing store so you must have fitting rooms. She would like one opened.” Denise can no longer keep eye contact, her gaze flickering from his face and away again. “Now.” The command in his voice makes her move, her mouth agape and she’s pointing indirectly over her shoulder. She turns, quickly walking away and you’re left to stunned to react. Aaron’s hand finds your back again, pushing you forward, his other hand on the end of the cart.

The dressing area is three beiges booths with deep red curtains for doors. A large mirror takes up one wall that is lit up like Time Square during Christmas, and there are mirrors in the booths as well. “You said the green dress?” You nod, giving her your size and she’s running off again, her head down and face red. Aaron takes a seat in one of the mahogany chairs, folding his arms across his chest. He’s watching Denise leave with that same look he gives every unsub as they are being hauled off to their final destination.

“Um… thank you, for… for that.” You speak up, breaking the silence waiting on Denise to return.

He doesn’t look at you as he speaks, his black shoe tapping the polished floor. “You don’t typically show when you’re upset or irritated, I had to step in. I also couldn’t stand by and let you be berated like that.”

This time it’s you who crosses their arms, glowering at him. “I wasn’t showing I was upset, so what she was being rude? It didn’t affect me.”

His lips pull into a sarcastic smile, head shaking. “Sweetheart, I’ve been working with you for three years, nearly four. When you get upset over something, even if it is trivial, you dig your nails into your palms. Most likely because you would rather focus on that then what’s stewing in your mind and your chest.” You blink at him, awareness washing over you as you shake out your hands, crescent indents marking your flesh.

Before you can snip at him Denise is back, placing the dress in one of the rooms and leaving without a word. Aaron raises an eyebrow and you huff, turning and walking into the booth before snatching the curtain closed. You take a moment to breath, your annoyance merging on anger as you begin to undress.

You have to force yourself to remember this is all apart of the contract, this is all small steps to whatever greater end goal he has. You can’t fully trust he’s doing this out of the kindness of his heart, no one is like that. Working a career where you catch murderers and kidnappers and rapists has shown you such. The thought lingers at the back of your mind that maybe he’s pushing you to break and go to therapy where they will force your leave. It wouldn’t happen, you’ve come to far to let anyone treat you that way.

You step out of your pants, bending down to pick them up when you notice movement in the mirror. You look up, making eye contact with Aaron from where he sits and you go still. The only thing that moves is your heart as it suddenly jumps into double time.

Aaron’s eyes slowly rake over your body, the hunger in his eyes evident even from where you stand and you can feel your body respond. Heat rushes through your veins, leaving you lightheaded. He shifts in his seat, your eyes dropping to where he tugs at his pants legs, a noticeable bulge in his lap that makes your guts clench. From anxiety? Want? Curiosity? You aren’t sure. You quickly look away, his smile turning wolfish as you straighten and spin around, giving him a full peak at the matching black bra and panties your wearing before yanking the curtain fully closed.

All you can hear is the blood rushing in your ears, your fingers suddenly tingling and your lungs working for air. Shakily, checking the curtain again and again you strip out of your bra, and pull the dress over your head. The satin is soft and cool, the green leaving your skin glowing in the light. It hugs your body in ways you wouldn’t of imagined and you… like it. It screams seduction, fun, and someone you’re not but someone you once might have wanted to be…

The only issue is you can’t zip it yourself. You struggle for a few minutes, contouring your body this way or that, but you can’t get the zipper more than half way up your back.

Reluctantly you pull the curtain aside just enough to peak your head out, your eyes instantly finding Aaron’s. He raises an eyebrow, his hands clasped together in his lap and you are more than aware of why. “I need her help.” Your voice is floaty and you clear your throat. “I can’t zip it up.”

“I’ll help you.” He stands, crossing the small distance in three long strides, quicker than you can reject his help.

“Wait- no, I’m-.” But he is pulling the curtain away from the other side and you curse the interior designer with a flourish of silent profanities. In the small space he seems larger than life, all broad chest and long limbs. He steps closer and you back up, an all to familiar dance you two have rehearsed before.

He holds his hand out, a gesture of reassurance but he is still looking at you like a starved man. “Spin around, pretty girl.” Your legs feel suddenly numb, like you’d never used them before in your life as you continue to stare. “It’s okay.” He whispers, taking another half step forward.

“It’s fine, it fits well enough without it zipped I’m sure it’ll fit great when it is.” You fight to keep your body lose and face expressionless, trying to mask the feelings bubbling in your guts. Aaron doesn’t say anything, only continues to stare you down, gaze never wavering. “Really.”

“Turn around.” You don’t want to listen, but the timber of his voice makes your body ache in a way that catches you more by surprise than anything else has these past 24 hours. Cautiously you lay your hand in his, letting his pull you in before spinning you around so you’re facing the mirror. He sweeps your hair over your shoulder, his fingers grazing across the naked skin pulling gooseflesh to the surface.

You stand as still as possible, hardly breathing as he gently slides the zipper up. His palms spread across your ribs, warm through the thin fabric. “What do you think?”

“It’s a beautiful dress.” You whisper quietly, trying not to back down from his stare.

“You make it beautiful.”

“You’re only saying that.” He pulls you closer, your back hitting his chest, your body molding to his. A gasp disappears on your lips, his hips pressing into you lower back his erection prominent making you shiver.

“I can promise you I’m not.” His hand slips to your stomach, splaying across your abdomen, and a small noise hitches in your throat. He tilts his head down, pressing a tinder kiss to the crown of your head and all you can focus on is where he’s touching you and where he isn’t, but where you want him to. Your panties are suddenly slick feeling as you shift against him, his erection digging further into your ass.

“Aaron…” You try to warn, and he watches the way your eyes flutter, the shields you’ve so desperately and carefully constructed cracking under the weight of his stare. Some logical part of your brain, buried beneath the mush of your thoughts, is screaming and begging to run away. But how long had it been since you’d felt that fire in the pit of your stomach, curling your toes and making your thighs pinch together?

You’re about to open your mouth, say something, anything at all, when he is suddenly pulling away. “Come out here so I can get a better look at you.” Aaron steps behind the curtain leaving you to your spiraling thoughts and an ache you’d never imagine. Your face is flushed, eyes wide and pupils blown out over the color of your irises. It’s hard to keep the air in your lungs from rushing out in soft pants.

All you can think is that if this is how you react to a few simple words and actions, you’re screwed.

*~*~*~*~*~*

The next half hour is spent paying for your clothing, a bill Aaron wouldn’t allow you to see, then moving the bags from the car to your hotel room. You stare at them now, laid out on your bed with furrowed eyebrows and your thumbnail caught between your teeth. How would you get these in your bag and on the plane with as little notice as possible?

“Maybe we can go get you another duffle bag tomorrow.” Aaron answers as if he could read your thoughts, and if you didn’t know better you would say he did.

“It’s okay.. Thank you for the clothing.” You manage, giving him a tight smile as you glance to where he is standing at the foot of the bed.

The entire car ride was filled with tension, his presence alone setting you on edge, all while he remained calm driving down the busy streets and helping you to your room.

“You’re welcome, sweetheart.” He smiles at you, possibly more so from your compliance, his eyes like coffee. “Would you like to join me for lunch?”

You bite your nail harder, looking back to the bags. “I’d like to just order my food to my room, I need to get this organized and finish my reports.” You expect him to argue but he only nods, coming around the bed and kissing the top of your head before he walks towards the door.

“I’ll check on you in a little while.” With that he leaves, and as the automatic lock slides into place you crumple. You sit heavily on the bed, running a hand through your hair like it might comb your thoughts back into place.

What are you doing?

What is he doing?

You groan in frustration, the feeling of not having control over what happens next beating on your bones and muscles. You haven’t relaxed since this began and you have a feeling you won’t for a long time to come.

*~*~*~*~*~*

If you would like to be tagged in the next parts please comment below and I will gladly add you! Thank you all for your support!

@kneelforloki @hmett20 @axionn @ncis0mrs0gibbs

#smut #apollyonsdarksecrets #aaron hotchner #aaron hotch smut #aaron hotch imagine #aaron hotch x reader #aaron hotchner x reader #aaron hotch fanfiction #criminal minds aaron hotchner #aaron hotchner smut #aaron hotchner x y/n #aaron hotch x you #aaron hotch fic #criminal minds smut #criminal minds

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randomyuu · 23 days

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so hold my hand (consign me not to darkness) [2/4]

Before you continue:

This is a fan comic of a GoYuu fic. I highly suggest you read the fic first, or just the fic, since I don’t think I was properly able to adapt it into drawings.

Title: so hold my hand (consign me not to darkness)

Author: qalb_al_louz

It’s ongoing, and as of this drawing, the fic is in its third chapter. While this is (sexually) SFW, always be mindful of the tags! Please keep yourself safe and sound.

Please read from right to left, and enjoy!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Fun fact: That bridge scene with Nue and Totality is the second last drawing to be finished. I deeply dislike the perspective and the bridge took me an embarrassingly long amount of time to search on Google Map lol

If this bridge is portrayed well in the anime, well... um. I still haven't finished Season 1, just so you know haha

Anyway, unexpectedly, I have lots of fun drawing the characters! Sure, some perspectives and angles are annoying to draw, but I found all of them fun to draw! Especially those adorned in black. I don't have to worry so much about the lines lmao

But of course, the best character to draw would be Gojou, both head and (later) his eldritch form. That little spotlight stealer. I love drawing his eyes and hair a bit too much haha

In second place, is our sunshine Yuuji! It's kinda weird talking about him when his spotlight would be in the next parts but haha lemme gush about how much fun I try to draw his eyes! His are extremely tricky. The thickness and the angle of the lines can really change his overall expression. It was a challenge, but one I enjoyed!

Third place for the characters I enjoy drawing would be Megumi and Mei-Mei, in a tie! Mostly because I love drawing Megumi's hair and Mei-Mei's eyes (part 3), but also because their outfits are just pure black lmao them designs help my hand a lot

Now, my least enjoyable draw would be the corpses in a later part. Too many limbs and blood and I can only use pure black to draw. Not fun at all. 0/10

The second least would be... Nanami. I'm so sorry. His outfit is pure white, and I suck at suits. Also his sunglasses(?) are unexpectedly really tricky. He's the character that constantly required me to pull up Google for images. His full body character sheet that I made was not enough at all lmao I still really enjoy pages of him without his glasses though!

Ok no third least favourite to draw because it's long already and you probably should head to another part or do your own thing.

#yuu's art #jjk-fic-fanart #jjk-ship #五悠 #goyuu #goyu #5u #gojou x yuuji #shibuya arc #shibuya arc canon divergence #nanami kento #fushiguro megumi #ino takuma #ijichi kiyotaka #I really like Nanami's section in the fic #of him slowly losing his sanity #it's hard to adapt it to drawn form tho #i tried

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raynelovesyoongi · 8 months

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Love me again

He wants me so bad. || Chapter Three

Paring:Xu Minghao x Fem!Reader

Warnings:cussing, slight angst(not rlly), drinking, mentions of menstrual cycle, flirting again (platonically)

Wordcount: 2,239

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"Y/n? Are you okay? Do you need pads? I have some in my car, I can go get them if you need them." You heard Miyeon knocking on the door; how long have you been in there for?

"Oh no! Don’t worry, I’m perfectly fine! it was just a false alarm, haha." You yelled back while pacing around the bathroom. You looked at yourself in the mirror and at your outfit.

"Thank god! I thought I’d be on my period next since we always sync, and I don’t even have pads. I said that so you could feel a bit of comfort. Anyway, I’m getting back to work. Hurry your ass up because we’re busy!" Miyeon laughed, but you completely canceled out her voice, thinking about how Minghao looked. FUCK! He looked so good today, and you were dressed in your lazy hangover fit; you hadn’t even put any make-up on. If you knew your ex-boyfriend was going to randomly show up at the cafe you work at for some reason, you would have gone all out for it. You can’t let him see you looking like a bum after your breakup! You did what you could and fixed your hair. You walked out of the bathroom, and Minghao was now the one ordering. Were you gone for long or not? Was the line really that long that it took him all that time you were in the bathroom to finally reach the register? It seemed that he was done ordering, so he went over to the "pick up" section so he could wait for the stuff he ordered. You went over to see what he had ordered, and you were surprised to see that he ordered an iced caramel macchiato. That was the drink you had introduced him to; he never really liked going to cafes, and if he ever did, it was because you dragged him to one. You respected his boundaries, so you never dragged him to a busy cafe; instead, you’d always drag him to the cafes nobody really knew about—those small family-owned cafes. You were lost in thought before you remembered you had to actually make the coffees. You got to work and started working on Minghao’s order; he also ordered a couple of pastries and an iced white chocolate mocha, which you were guessing was for his friend. Wait, who did he come here with? You looked over to see where he was sitting, and it was Seokmin. You quickly got to work on his drinks and pastries, and when you finished, you called out his name so he could pick it up. He looked up from his phone and looked at you. You don’t know what exactly he was trying to do, but he didn’t come closer to getting his order. You were puzzled, to say the least, but just set his drink down.

"Dude! Can you not hear? They called your name out hours ago!" Seokmin said it with a pained look on his face. "NOOOOO!!! MY ICE MELTED BECAUSE OF YOU!"

"Chill out, dumbass. they called my name out only a second ago. Jesus Christ, and your ice didn’t melt. Stop being dramatic. Could we go to a different cafe next time? This one’s packed."

"But… But what about Y/N? Wasn’t she cool? She’s worth going through all that line just to see her beautiful smile!"

"You talk like you're in love with her. Also, she was a total dick while taking my order. That’s why I don’t want to come here ever again."

"Really? She’s not the type to be rude to anyone. Are you sure you got the name tags right?" Seokmin paused before looking around and leaning into Minghao’s ear to whisper something. "It could’ve been Miyeon... She’s kind of mean to customers here, but I don’t blame her! These students are so annoying." Minghao knew you weren’t the type to be an asshole; he knew that better than anyone else, but he still continued on with his lie for some reason.

"Let's just go, please." The two of them left, and a certain someone heard their whole conversation. Jihoon was sitting down there the whole time, listening in on what was happening. What the hell was this random dude on about? Who was this guy? And why was he lying on your name if you weren’t even the one who took his order? Jihoon made a mental note to tell you about this later; he wasn’t just going to sit by and let someone disrespect his friend. You were a bit weirded out by how Minghao clearly looked at you, then pretended to act stupid. Did he not remember you? You couldn’t get the vision out of your head; you could feel yourself slowly losing your mind more and more when you thought about it. You were so lost in your thoughts that when your shift was over, you almost worked overtime because of how much you were thinking about Minghao. Jeonghan had to nudge you in order to bring you back to reality.

"Hey, you alright?"

"Ah, yeah, I’m fine. Sorry, what time is it?"

"Time for you to go home and rest. You look exhausted." He said while patting your back and walking away after. Jihoon was waiting for your shift to be over so he could drop you off at home.

He was waiting for you to finish your rant about your day before you suddenly perked up.

"OH MY GOD, guess what the hell happened today, Woozi! I fucking saw my goddamn ex! I don’t know if he remembers me, though, because he just stared at me, then back at his phone. Or maybe I’m delusional and thought it was him, but really it was someone else? GAAAAHHH, I’m going crazy. Woozi, help me!" You exclaimed loudly while running your fingers through your hair. "And guess what else, bro? HE STILL GETS THE DRINK. I INTRODUCED HIM TO OH MY GOD. HE WANTS ME SO FUCKING BAD!" Jihoon was trying to put everything together in his head; he’s sure he saw you call someone out, then have awkward eye contact with them as they ignored you and went back on their phone. It finally clicked that Minghao was the asshole lying on your name.

"Y/n…" Jihoon began but didn’t know if he should tell you. You were clearly excited to see your ex again. It was obvious you still had feelings for him.

“How long ago did you date him? And what was the reason for the breakup?”

You sucked in a breath. You looked off to the side before responding, "Uh, we broke up about two years ago. We broke up for a couple of reasons. I don’t want to talk about it." He looked at you before looking back at the road.

"So does he go to our school? Or what? Why are you just now seeing him?"

"Hmmm, now that you bring that up, I honestly don’t know why he’s even here, but as I said, it may not actually be him." You guys got distracted by other topics, and it completely slipped Jihoon’s mind about what Minghao had said, and before you knew it, you were home. You waved goodbye and said thank you to Jihoon for dropping you off; he said it was alright, and he’ll always be your personal Uber, whether you like it or not. You giggled at his humor and left while waving once again. When you entered your dorm, you went on Instagram, and that’s when you saw Joshua’s post. It was a photo of Joshua, Wonwoo, and Minghao. You clicked on the photo and saw that Joshua had tagged both of them. Yup, that’s him. You thought as you clicked on Minghao's You looked through his posts and saw that he hasn’t really been on Instagram ever since you two broke up. You went down all the way to the bottom of his page when you saw that he still had a picture of one of your dates posted. You clicked on it and scrolled through the post. You saw countless photos of you and him together; your heart was running miles, and you felt like your chest was on fire. Why were these still up? Why didn’t he ever delete them? Were you thinking too much about it? I need a drink. You made your way to the kitchen and found alcohol in the fridge.

"Drinking alone without us? Awh, you’re mean! My hearts shattered." Yeji spoke and grabbed herself a bottle as well; Miyeon was probably going to steal sips from both of your bottles.

"Guys, please, can you help me out?" You said it almost desperately while making your way to the living room, with two of your roommates following behind you.

"Yeah? What’s up?" Miyeon said as she popped open a bottle and took a couple of sips.

"What does it mean when your ex still has photos of the two of you when you were together posted on his Instagram?"

"Honestly, I feel like that means he still wants you, babe. I don’t blame him. You’re smoking hot." Yeji spoke, making Miyeon hit her shoulder.

"Gosh, Yeji, you sound like a middle-aged man who’s hitting on a young girl at the bar!" Miyeon giggled, "But yeah, I agree with Yeji. It’s weird that he hasn’t deleted them, especially if he’s still active on the account." You took out your phone to look back at the posts; you saw his most recent ones were from yesterday and today. You didn’t know Yeji and Miyeon were being nosy and reaching over your shoulder to see what you were looking at.

"THE NEW KID?" They both yelled out in shock, making you jump.

"Holy shit! You guys know him?"

"Yeah! I have a few classes with him, so does Yeji." Great. So Xu Minghao went to your school, and that means that definitely was him at the cafe.

"I'm going to sleep, guys. Goodnight." You rushed out while making your way to your room, you felt tipsy because you chugged your drink a lot while talking to those two. You knew you wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if you didn’t.

You woke up, ready for the day. You had a plan in your head: you would find Minghao and talk to him. You spent extra time getting ready; you wanted to make sure he’d take you back no matter what! When you made it to school, you were looking all over for him, yet you hadn’t once spotted him. You decided to go to class, and when you walked in, you said hi to Seungkwan and Seokmin. Seungkwan could tell you upset; he could read you like an open book.

"Y/n… come here." He got up from his seat and waited for you to come to him. He hugged you tightly and asked you what was wrong. The tears in your eyes were starting to slide down your cheeks. For some reason, ever since yesterday, when you saw Minghao, your mind has been going in spirals. You felt like all the memories came rushing in, and damn, you missed him. It was all so hard to accept that he was actually here at the same school as you. Seungkwan had no idea why you were crying, but he quickly hid you so nobody else saw you break down. He walked out of class, not caring whether you guys got in trouble or not. You were more important. As he hugged you, you only felt the tears pour out more violently. Every ounce of sadness you’ve ever held was coming out now, and all the stress you had built up in you was all coming out. It seemed that Minghao was the breaking point; you were fine with all the stress building up, you were fine with all the sadness you held in you, and you were fine hiding every problem deep inside of you. But for some reason, since you’ve seen Minghao, you felt like literal shit.

"Seungkwan, I miss him so much—so fucking much it hurts." You spoke in a raspy, strained voice; it was quiet, and only Seungkwan could hear you. He had no idea who you were talking about, but he still wanted to comfort you, none the less, so he just listened to you. "I can’t find him anywhere, and I’m just so damn confused. I just want to talk to him and clear things up! Maybe I even want more."

"Who? Who’s this ‘he’ you’re talking about, y/n? I’ll help you find him. Just let me know, please. It’ll all be okay, yeah? Just let me help." Seungkwan never once softened his grip; he was letting you know he was there for you, but his grip wasn’t so tight that it could hurt you. He knew what your limit was, so he never crossed it by hugging you any tighter to the point where you’d get hurt or feel like you were suffocating.

"Minghao! The new kid everyone's running their mouths about—that's what makes it all worse! Everyone seems to know where he is, yet I can’t fucking find him. It’s like he’s avoiding me." You were right, but it seemed like right now Minghao couldn’t avoid you after being dragged out of the classroom by Seokmin to find you. Minghao heard everything.

A/n: LMAAAAOOOOO BOOOO Y/N (i’m sorry ily) it’s abt to get interesting guys dw pls I know I said that last chap but fr this time😭😞🙏

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cidthesquid · 2 months

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A Quick Update! - Style Savvy Trendsetter #09

Hello all! I know many of you may have followed primarily for Style Savvy content, And that's 100% okay! I want everyone to be able to enjoy whatever part of my content they want, however they want!

I would actually start to feel bad if people felt obligated to read my extra ramblings, or check out posts that don't interest them. I make these post for my own enjoyment and journaling my digital fashion journey, across multiple games! So as Iong as I find new experiences I'll keep posting! (Questions/Comments are always welcome!) ----- Style Savvy tendsetter has slowed down quite a bit, so I have not had much to post about, But I feel like it's been long enough to share at least a quick update! First, Chad is getting a little worried about the massive amount of clothes getting sent to my apartment:

He's not very confrontational about it, and it seems like genuine curiosity, and he's a really nice guy, so I won't hold it against him. :) I also ended up entering another fashion contest! I'm still stuck in beginner rank, until the story progresses further. But I think I was able to come up with a cute outfit to match the girly theme:

There's not much challenge at this level, but it's a fun little distraction.

While I'm at least playing a few days a week now, I actually took a break for a while, my adhd just had trouble staying engaged with a game that was this laser focused on one specific activity. It actually being stuck in a waiting room for a doctors appointment, for me to boot it up on my phone again. (don't worry, it was just routine)

Contests don't really give you any money, and only give you a single clothing item for willing, so while replaying them is fun, it's not a great use of your time. I also changed up my outfit for the first time in over a month, I really liked the green kimono, but the pattern was a bit much for wearing around town. So I decided to mix it up a bit:

I found a really nice combination of items that offers a shoulder-less look that I did not think was possible in this game.

Yeah, it's fairly monochromatic, that's pretty much my 'panic play', when trying something new, even if it's not boring, at least it's not messy. haha!

The furniture shop also just opened, so I can now start decorating my character's room!

They seem very excited about it! haha

I decided to go with a mint/pastel purple color scheme, mostly because it's one of the few 3 color matches I could remember at the time for brown/tan, so I figured it would match the flooring well. I'd never want to live here IRL, but I think it looks pretty nice for the game.

Also, fun fact, your apartment's wallpaper will also be applied as your background for the apartment menu. And yeah, that's really it for this update, I'll leave you with one extra screenshot, and those who are interested/comfortable can stick around for the bonus existential stuff! :P

---- /!\ Caution: End of Cute screenshots, Mostly unedited Ramblings beyond this point /!\ Alright, so again, keeping this confined to thoughts I had when playing the game. I've already changed my character's name once, to make them better fit their new identity, and to match the name of the blog. But whenever I see the name 'Cid' printed out in game, It still feels a little weird, Maybe I had just gotten used to the other name as I used it in monster hunter, and other games? It may also because of the masculine connotations from that name, especially since I've been playing a lot of Final Fantasy XIV recently. Because of that and other FF games whenever I see that name, I think of a gruff older man who's also an airship engineer! XD So my initial thoughts would simply be to change it to something similar, like 'Sid', as that could have a more feminine feel that could feel less out of place. And I know most won't relate to this, but this line of thinking often gets me into meta thoughts like: "Why do you feel you NEED to change the name? It's all in your head!", "Is this what YOU really want, or what you think is expected based on others possible perspectives?", "Is this just your way of ignoring your feeling about being a guy playing these games?" So what seems as simple as changing one letter, brings up a whole lot of stuff I'm not currently equipped to unpack. It can be hard to keep track of how you actually feel outside of external pressure. Trying to find my own answers currently, feels like it's starting to unravel some of the stuff I already thought I'd worked through and processed. But it's not a huge deal for now, so I figure I can just focus less on finding a solution, it can take things one at a time, and come back to this idea when I'm better ready to deal with it!

#syn sophia #fashion game #style savvy #style boutique #3ds #new style boutique #trend setter #trendsetters #stylesavvy

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personinthepalace · 1 year

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I saw a local production of Legally Blonde the Musical today!

One of the local high schools in my city (my old school's "rival" in fact haha) is doing a production of Legally Blonde, and I went to see it today! I'm a huge lbtm fan, but this was my first time seeing a live production, and it was honestly very good!! I am very passionate about the door discourse so I was highly anticipating that moment in the ballad. And this production passed the test! As soon as I saw that they were wheeling out the door during that number, I was silently freaking out to my friend haha. Anyway here are some other random notes/thoughts that I had about the production:

Real dogs! Rufus was a golden retriever, and when he came out, the show paused for a bit bc of the applauding haha. Rufus also listened to Kyle's command to sit which was quite cute haha A HUGE ensemble (it's high school so it makes sense). But they bring back the ensemble for like every possible song Elle was great - she used some vibrato and trills during her solos. Most of So Much Better was kinda a mess (backing music/ensemble not really lining up well), but OMIGOD she held out that last note just like LBB did on bway so huge props to her! Warner was a good singer not as strong as the other leads but he has the best expression/acting choices - more on that later Serious: they didn't do the accidental proposal pose which I thought was a missed joke The violinist during Serious walked back out with some great sad acting after Elle left before playing the last notes of the song (I thought that she was someone from the orchestra but they were actually part of the ensemble so that was cool!) What You Want: Elle's white outfit was cute!! They used the "Jet Blue" line! The actors' school photos for the Elle x Warner poster which I thought was funny haha Harvard variations: they got rid of Sandeep's character so the song was shorter Aaron Sholtz and Enid Hoops were played by butch actors which was cool! Bruiser now loves the Bachelor Emmett - the actor playing him (who my sister knew from elementary school) is such a perfect emmett! Looks exactly like how one would imagine him haha Background acting: Emmett introducing himself to the students and shaking their hands while Elle and Vivienne had their first interaction in class Blood in the water: Callahan was also a very good singer. I think this was one of the strongest number of the show. They also added grey to his hair He was kinda touching Enid during his lines with her but she kept on pushing his hand away from her - foreshadowing! Paulette was amazing!!! I think she might be my favorite actor in the show. She sounds EXACTLY like Orfeh did on bway. Also asian representation!! Ireland - she killed it obviously - seriously amazing!! (though she did accidentally came in early at one part). The lyrics are different from the bway version though (they were about her grandpa) Playboy bunny costume - they added a little tutu to it which was cute! Enid sat near them near the end of this scene (in preparation for Elle stealing her glasses). She tries to drink from a bottle but Warner took it away from her and drank it instead Chip On My Shoulder: Elle wears Emmett's jacket! Emmett saying he hadn't slept since 1998 killed me bc this kid is definitely younger than me haha Elle and Emmett don't do any secret handshakes though :( Elle sat next to Warner during her squealing exit and I loved that so much haha Reclaiming Rufus scene: Elle ran back on stage and threw her arms around Emmett and Paulette - I am here for this trio friendship When Dewey re-exited the trailer and saw Elle, he twirled his long hair

So Much Better, as I said before, was sadly not the strongest number but I do like that Elle's parents appear offstage when she called them. And Elle held out that last note!! Once again no Elle x Emmett secret handshake :(

(Part 2 will continue in a reblog bc apparently I hit the character limit LOL)

#legally blonde #legally blonde the musical #legally blonde musical #elle x emmett #elle woods #emmett forrest #high school production #high school production of legally blonde the musical #rambles in the palace #guess what I just watched #door discourse #yes I am including that tag haha #THEY USED THE DOOR #an automatic win in my book haha #long post

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nullbutler · 1 year

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Season 2 but it's only when Alois is around

so I just finished rewatching season 2! I made TO THE SECOND time stamps of every time Alois Trancy appears on screen (as well as a few other notable things, such as when the explicit/violent parts happen, when Luka appears, and a few lines that were worth mentioning). here is your Tumblr Alois Stan Season 2 Survival Guide! While it's not everything (I didn't write down the post-mortem Hannah eyeball scene) it is 95% of the Alois content in that season!

This was using the version currently avaliable on Netflix. if the season has been cropped or altered on other streaming sites, I don't know how helpful this guide will be! sorry about that! Also, while I tried my best to warn potentially triggering subject matter, and I'm pretty sure I got all of it, I am not 100%, so if you're going to rewatch the season, please get in a headspace where you know, there is a small chance you might see something. The worst, however, has been caught

TIMESTAMPS FOR THE CSA

EP#1 CLAWED BUTLER -- 0:00-1:14

EP#8 DIVULGING BUTLER -- 9:06-10:36, 12:36-13.59 18.35-18.46

EP#9 HOLLOW BUTLER -- 16:43-16:57

Episode 5-7 have a lot of Alois scenes, but nothing in relationship to his trauma, so if you want an entirely 'safe' and non-triggering viewing, those are your best bet! Episode 1 is also fine, if you start it directly after the opening

TMESTAMPS FOR OTHER DISCOMFORTS

If I were to try to keep track of all of this, then the list would be extensive and long BUT in regards to Alois in particular, a few scenes did jump out at me as being potentially a little ... weird

EP#1 CLAWED BUTLER --

9:27-9:42 (Druitt says something weird and pervy)

EP#8 DIVULGING BUTLER --

0:00-2:02 (Nothing explicit, but he is naked, bandaged, and the camera is...you know how the camera is. Some weird dialogue too, between him and Hannah and Claude. It's nothing too bad)

3:39-4:31 (The Hannah scene. Some people told me they were uncomfortable with the way he tackled her, even if it was just the camera being a little weird)

(If the triggering stuff really bothers you, just don't want Divulging Butler, that episode was...weird)

LIVE LUKA REACTION

EP#8 DIVULGING BUTLER -- 5:02-9:04

EP#9 HOLLOW BUTLER -- 11:45-13:15

EP#11 CROSSROADS BUTLER -- 14:58-16:25

EP#12 BLACK BUTLER -- 12:05-12:28

ACTUAL TIMESTAMPS

It'll take ages to jot these down, so here are the pictures of the notes I was taking. Every time Alois Trancy was on screen, I took note of it

Uhhh fun fact my therapist called me halfway through and I had to write down a number. That's what that scribbled out thing is. Haha...oh, if only she knew...

ALOIS OUTFITS

Also, as per something @hateweasel said, I decided I had to keep track of what outfits he was wearing throughout the episodes. And I can proudly say the little shorts only show up in episode 1, 2 minutes in episode 5, all of the scenes of him in the present in Episode 8, and all of the scenes of him in Ciel's mind palace in episode 12. So about 20 minutes total. This is out of the approximate 50 minutes of Alois Time in the series, with his other outfits cycling in at the maid dress, the devil costume, his normal outfit but with trousers, and then Ciel's outfit while he's possessing him, and then his clothes as a kid.

Here is a diagram. I made up those numbers. I could have added it second by second, and that was my plan, and I started, but it was really really boring

NOTABLE LINES

Some things I just found funny

EP#1 CLAWED BUTLER - Druitt says 'Among us' at 9:55

EP#5 BEACON BUTLER - Alois licks Ciel at 15:34-15:40. It should be noted he spends like 10 seconds proceeding that playing with Ciel's hair and Ciel DOES NOT pull away from him or even seem that disturbed. Huh.

EP#7 DEATHLY BUTLER - There's these shots as the two butlers fight each other where they show the boys reacting. We get 'live Lois reaction' at 6:12, 6:19, 7:39, 9:01, 10:18,10:38, 11:27

In the same episode, the piss line is at 15:23-15:50

EP#9 HOLLOW BUTLER - Ciel actually says he feels regret after Alois dies. This is at 10:10.

Alois's village is also revealed to be called Arachnophile. Ah.

Alois is dead at 20:39

EP#11 CROSSROADS BUTLER - while possessing the body of Ciel Phantomhive, Alois actually tries to hurt himself. It's kind of painful to watch. This occurs at 6:23-6:59, 11:57-13:07

EP#12 BLACK BUTLER - Alois speaks last at 12:05

#alois trancy #kuroshitsuji #black butler season 2 #black butler #claude faustus #ciel phantomhive #long post

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reikeip · 2 years

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Crossroad ♱ Epilogue

Talks of death

Location: Repayment Festival

Season: Spring, the following year

Keito: …Fufu. Thinking back on it, you really were harsh, Sakuma-san.

And at the time I was an immature idiot, so very stupid. Such youthful indiscretion—I’ll be embarrassed by it for the rest of my life.

DEADMANZ, huh…

A three person unit consisting of me, Sakuma-san and Oogami. It was left behind on paper, because I just don’t know when to let go.

Until the very end, I held onto that hope; I really thought that if things got too crazy, I could just cling to Sakuma-san’s sympathy and beg for help, didn’t I? I’m such a fool.

Kuro: …What’s with ya, Danna? It’s weird—are ya laughin’ at memories?

Keito: Yeah… As expected of someone so close to graduation, I’m getting all emotional. I’m remembering all sorts of things, really.

Kuro: That so. But now ain’t the time to get caught up in old memories. We gotta get outta here and go to Kanzaki.

He seems to be workin’ pretty hard all by lonesome, yanno.

Keito: No, it looks like Hakaze is helping him out too… So Kanzaki isn’t completely alone, but I’m still a bit worried, so I’d like to get to him as soon as possible.

Kuro: Don’t get too hasty, though. Ya shouldn’t move too violently, the DEADMANZ costumes were hastily made, so the sewing is a lil’ weak here and there.

Keito: But it’s a costume made by you, Kiryuu, so I trust its durability.

Kuro: That right? Actually, I was feelin’ pretty moved myself, ya see.

I changed some of the details, but this is still a DEADMANZ outfit just like ya asked me to make for ya back then.

As I was stitchin’, I found myself thinkin’ back a lot too.

When I think about it, I realize we’ve come a long way. We ended up standin’ side by side like this…

Comrades chasin’ after our dreams together—I didn’t expect things to turn out like this.

Keito: Really… I’ll be honest, even back then, I sensed there was something special about you.

Kuro: Haha, is that right? Ya sure I’m not just your replacement for Sakuma or something?

After breakin’ it off with Sakuma, ya still needed a weapon to achieve that revolution ya wanted.

Keito: Don’t be mean. I won’t say that wasn’t my intent… But in hindsight, I’m glad you were my accomplice.

Thank you, we ran side by side to the end.

It may not have been what I envisioned back then, but because of you… We reached an even better, more glorious conclusion.

Kuro: It’s not over yet, Danna. Don’t let your guard down, you’ve always had a poor endgame.

Keito: I’m aware. But this time, I won’t lose. This time, I’ll run to the finish line without falling.

Kuro: Sure. If you’re too sloppy, I’ll beat your ass, Danna.

Rei: (...It seems Hakaze-kun has yet to make it.)

(Doggie too—I wonder, will he truly be able to make it to me as well?)

(It appears to be that Adonis-kun is lending him the support of a friend, so I’m sure he’ll be quite alright.)

(Spending time doing nothing but waiting—it is quite the prolonged form of suffering.)

(Since then… I’ve kicked the child who clung to my leg aside, henceforth becoming distant with Hasumi-kun.)

(From then on, I have lived a life of freewheeling, a life of self indulgence.)

(I took my fill of adolescence and savored it.)

(I traveled the world, I flourished, and finally, thanks to the five oddballs, I’ve been fortunate enough to meet companions that share the same capability as I, and the solitude which follows.)

(Together with dear Doggie, who waited for me with the remnants of DEADMANZ in his hands, so oblivious to it all…)

(I came back as a part of UNDEAD, with which I was able to enrich my time spent here.)

(In betraying and hurting my friend, I attained this glory stained in blood and sin.)

(I ask not for forgiveness, Hasumi-kun. If I were to bow my head and apologize to you now, I am quite sure you would only knit your brows.)

(Our roads have parted, never to meet again.)

(But unexpectedly, some hapless fate allowed us to meet fortuitously, and thus we appeared on stage together once more.)

(This must be a gift from some whimsical god, or perhaps they’re just being malicious.)

(Once more, that sin I must carry is thrust into my hands… And I shall continue to live as one egotistic, arrogant human being.)

(That day, due to a voice singing for the dead, I passed on…[1] I was born anew, able to set out as a human once more.)

(What the future holds, I know not. By karmic retribution, I may not obtain anything I desire, and may just rot away here.)

(But, if my wish could be granted.)

(God. One more time, would you please hear out “my”[2] selfish desire?)

(...It is quite noisy outside of the auditorium. That voice, is it Doggie?)

(Ah, he’s finally caught up to me. I am happy to see you’ve grown into a strong man, one who may grant my wish.)

(When we first met, you were just an adorable little Puppy.)

(Because of such things, life is truly fun.)

(Kaoru-kun should be showing himself soon as well. I, too, should really be rousing myself before long.)

(I must raise my spirits, and my voice… If not, I shall be mistaken for a corpse, and be thrown into a coffin.)

(It’s still too early for me to die, so… For a little longer, I shall enjoy my life.)

(~……♪）

← previous | all

Ok so. Rei uses the word 成仏 here, which can mean passing away and also... reaching salvation in Buddhist terms, reaching satori, or nirvana. It wouldn't fully make sense to take it only this way because when you do this, your soul isn't supposed to return to the mortal world, but the connotations are there no less.

Rei reverts to the pronoun he used in second year here, 俺 (ore), but keeps his current speech style.

#reikeiptls #rei sakuma #keito hasumi #kuro kiryu

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remimibanana · 6 months

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Supernova 2023 Day 1 Report!

I had the opportunity to go to Supernova 2023 at Adelaide where I cosplayed on Day 1! It was a big convention filled with so many people and cosplayers from all sorts of media!

I went with my good friend Pie (@piedivide) who you will see throughout the report! Thank you for the fun weekend!

I had to split up the report because I hit the image limit, here is Day 2!

The report is below the cut!

My Cosplay

I cosplayed as Sucrose in her OnePlus collaboration outfit! It’s a pretty simple but cute outfit! This was the first time I ever styled a wig, which turned out much better than I thought it would in all honesty lol

Day 1

I had to catch the train since the con is in the city, and the one I was on was fully packed since there was also the Christmas Pageant running (in November strangely…it’s not even December!).

Of course, I was the only one in cosplay on the whole train, so I had to sit in the corner with all these people staring at me.

I was surprised to see no cosplayers on the train, because last time there were a few people who were in cosplay so I felt less embarrassed sitting there in full cosplay.

One train ride later, and I arrived in the city!

I met up with Pie, who was dressed up as Casual Kazuha! I was heading to the usual bench that I sit and wait at, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

It was Pie! His cosplay was so cool! I especially loved the wig styling!

We had some Hungry Jacks (or Burger King as it’s called everywhere else but Australia) before going to the con! You know, for the meme. And because we skipped breakfast for it.

I ordered some chicken nuggets and large fries, while Pie ordered a kids meal lol

He got this Rubble spinning toy from Paw Patrol that I couldn’t recognize right away. It was really derpy and poor Rubble’s body wasn’t painted so it was just yellow.

See? Poor thing. Pie threw it in the bin rather heartlessly.

I took too long to eat the nuggets so my fries got cold ;;

Once we ate, we headed to the convention! It was at the showgrounds, so we caught the train there. It was my first time going to the showgrounds by train, so it was a cool experience!

Never been on that line before.

We didn’t know where we were going, so we followed the sea of people and hoped we were going in the right direction lol

There’s me in front of it all! This was the first time I was at the showgrounds since like…2016? Crazy.

Entering the convention was pretty simple once we found our way! We ordered tickets online so we just had to get the QR Code for them scanned. We received a wristband that apparently we couldn’t take off since it was meant to last for both days.

Not sure how great of an idea that is tbh, but I do get it. At least they told us we could always come back and get a new one if something happens to it.

This time I didn’t break the wristband! Are you proud of me?

Pie put on mine a bit loose, so it kept trying to fall off. It actually did fall off at one point, but at least I could take it off after.

So it was all good!

Inside the convention, as you can see above, was so cool! So big! You could get lost within all the stalls and places. I remember the first moment I walked in, I was in awe.

Pie and I walked around, taking in all the sights and seeing what the convention had to offer. We saw so many cosplayers as we walked, I took the time to admire them all and freak out.

Someone actually asked for photos of us right away, and it was so cool! I didn't think we would get asked for photos that quickly!

Speaking of cosplayers, we got so many photos with them! Last convention, we didn't get many so I'm glad this time we did! Well, it was Pie asking for me and me just being there haha (thank you Pieeeeee).

Let me go through each of the pictures and write a whole bunch of praise because everyone looked amazing!!!

FURINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

We didn't think we would see any Fontainian Cosplays at all, but there they were! We saw Furina during our walk through the Artist Alley, and knew we had to get a photo!

They seemed to be busy though every time we saw them, and we didn’t want to bother them so we sort of just kept walking and waiting until they were sort of free.

It seemed like we would never get an opportunity to.

Until Pie literally went over and asked for a photo once we saw they weren’t too busy lol

They were so kind! And pretty!

LYNEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Okay, so Pie and I talked about what Genshin Cosplayers would make us freak out before the con if we saw them walking around. Pie chose Neuvillette (based) and I chose Lyney because I love Lyney.

But I really didn't think we would see a Lyney cosplayer. I kept an eye out, of course.

Until we did.

Pie was the one who pointed them out and of course I freaked out immediately. It was Lyney! In the flesh!

And we beelined to them, waiting until they weren't busy so Pie could ask for a photo lol

They were at a stall looking around at all the products there, and so we decided to look around too so we weren't standing there awkwardly waiting.

To our surprise, the Lyney cosplayer was the one who came up to US and complemented us on our cosplay!

They were so niceeeeeee

Pie took this opportunity to ask for a photo.

We got our photos and I of course freaked the heck out after.

That’s all I wanted in life. Lyney photo. \(//∇//)\

MEW ICHIGO AND MEW BERRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

I saw them walking around and I was freaking out because I love Tokyo Mew Mew! It was my first anime before I even knew it was an anime! I watched the Serbian dub growing up, so it has a special place in my heart.

I really didn’t think I’d see both Mew Ichigo and Mew Berry here! Especially Mew Berry, it was my first time seeing a cosplay for her!

They looked so good!

I was staring at them from afar as we walked, until I mentioned how I’d like a photo with them and Pie asked for me (thank you Pieeeee).

They were so nice! They did such cute poses too, just like the ones in the manga!

Mew Ichigo complemented my cosplay and I was over the moon.

MAID XIAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

For context, at AnimeGO, Pie and I kept seeing a Maid Xiao literally everywhere we went. We joked that if we called them, they would come to us lol

We didn’t take any pictures since we didn’t feel as comfortable I suppose asking for photos without being in cosplay.

And to our surprise, we saw Maid Xiao again here at Supernova! They seem to be following us everywhere lol

Pie went to ask to take a photo, since we were in cosplay and it was our chance! We did all together!

The Ameno team! Maybe we’ll see them again next year lol

NAHIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I spotted Nahida from afar and knew I needed a photo!

Nahida is one of my absolute favorites, ever since I played Act II in Sumeru. My love for her only solidified in Act V, she’s an absolute badass!

The Nahida cosplayer was so cute and nice!!

They were with their parent or guardian (at least I assume) and they were very nice as well!

I was looking the wrong way for Pie’s photo of us because I was staring at their parent or guardian’s phone lmao

But I did finally stare into Pie’s phone aha (sorryyyy)

They asked for a photo with all three of us together and we did! I hope they liked the photo!

They talked about how much they loved our outfits and the fact we did a “casual spin” on them, aaaaaaaaaaaaa

Makes me so happy when I think about it hehe

IL DOTTORE AND COLLEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Fun fact, this is the elusive Il Dottore that kept evading me back at AnimeGO! It was awesome to see them again here as well!

Their friend was cosplaying Collei from the manga, which I thought so but I wasn’t completely sure until I saw them properly lol

So we all got a photo!

And that’s all the photos we got (at least on my end, Pie got some more, like with another Kazuha and 9S! I’d show them but image limit arghhhh).

I’m so happy we got loads of them! We mentioned we wanted to take more photos so I’m glad we did that successfully!

Food!

There were food stalls there! Such as a coffee/crepe stand, an Indian food stand, a Boost Juice stand, a hot chips stand, and a pretzel stand Pie and I went to!

Pie looked at me as soon as we walked past the Boost Juice stand and started going on about how much I love Boost Juice and I literally turned to look at him all deadpan and went "no" LMAO.

I don't really like smoothies, why is there pieces in my drink I'm trying to drink?! I'm more of a juice person that has nothing in it lol

We never tried a real Pretzel before (we only get those small baked ones prepacked here in Australia), and took this as our opportunity to have some! We both got the standard salted one, and it was really good!

So soft and warm, I loved it!

Games!

There were many games! All multiplayer and all were pretty fun!

We first played Melty Blood: Type Lumina (apparently, I'm taking Pie's word for this lol). I only recognized Mash from Fate/Stay Night, so that's who I chose!

I managed to beat Pie by spamming the circle button the whole time lmao

Then we played Sonic Origins, where Pie was absolutely amazing at it. And then there was me lol

We played Smash Brothers Ultimate where I managed to beat Pie's butt multiple times somehow. But Pie did win too at times! It was fun playing with all the DLC characters I never had the chance to play with before!

I got to play as Pyra and Mythra, Sora and even Steve!

I love fighting games, they're so much fun. It takes the right inputs to unleash combos and win.

For example, my favourite Street Fighter game is Street Fighter III: Third Strike. It's so good!

Chun Li is my main. Love her.

Anyway, fighting game supremacy.

Just Dance 2023!

I LOVE Just Dance. My favorites are Just Dance 3, 4 and 2014, being the ones I played the most growing up.

I don’t usually brag about it, but I’m pretty good at it. I can get 5 stars in many songs (at least on the Wii versions). I told Pie that one day I would show off my skills.

To my surprise, Supernova were going to have a Just Dance Area!

After telling Pie all about it before the con since he didn’t notice it before I told him, we decided we had to do some songs! It was a must!

I would dance.

I was glad to see it was the Switch version of the game, it’s pretty similar to the Wii (you use a joycon instead of the Wii remote). So, I knew I would be alright…probably.

Pie let me choose all the songs very kindly (even though I did ask if he wanted to choose a song because I felt like I was sort of hogging it all haha).

I was excited, you can't blame me!

The first song we did was ievan polkka, a classic Hatsune Miku song! My name is Miku, so obviously doing a Miku song is a must.

I already knew this dance pretty well, so of course I got a Megastar! Pie did really well too!

These are the new rankings in the later games, the older ones only went to 5 stars so I find them really strange lol

The second song we did was Livin' a Vida Loca by Ricky Martin! I love this song. This is one of the songs that I can get 5 stars every single time I play it.

No joke. One day I need to prove it somehow lol

Of course I got a Superstar, and Pie did too! Very impressive!

Now the last song I did was Rasputin.

We were meant to do it together, but uh…there were some complications lol

This was going to be our last song, since there were people waiting and I didn’t want to be a bother by dancing any more songs (although I really did want to! There were so many more I wanted to do!).

These two people came up to us and asked if they could join us since four people could dance at once. Of course, we agreed!

That’s when the trouble started.

You would think connecting four joycons would be easy.

For some reason, only three of them would connect at one time. We tried to many times to connect and reconnect them, even we went into the controller settings and tried reconnecting there!

Then the switch feed died randomly. The screens were fully black, and we didn’t even do anything! Things weren't going well at all _:(´ཀ`」 ∠):

Pie surrendered his joycon to one of the people very kindly, so he was off to the side watching us trying to fix the Switch. I remember looking back at him multiple times and shrugging in disbelief.

At the end, the screens were back up but we could only connect two joycons for some reason. At that point, we gave up and decided to just dance the song because clearly it wasn’t going to work any better than it was now.

I was one of the ones who had their joycon connected, so I was able to see I got the highest Megastar hehe

It was a lot of fun dancing! I absolutely had a blast, and I was tired by the end of it.

Next time I want to Just Dance again!

After our fun time with Just Dance, we took to the Artist Alley!

It was filled with so many different artists with so many different styles! It was so cool walking through them all and admiring all of the pretty art!

There was this one particular artist that such stunning prints from so many different media like Star Rail, Genshin, Disney and more! They were the same artist I got my Silver Wolf Print from actually! Absolutely incredible art.

We were tempted to buy them and there, but we told ourselves that Day 2 would be the day to go all out in terms of spending.

And then there was me buying prints from another stall lmao

I bought a Hu Tao, Wanderer and Nene and Aoi in their pretty Kannagi outfits from TBHK! I couldn’t resist as soon as I saw them.

I really like the Wanderer one—

We also bought some books! Pie and I both got the Ask Iwata book! I bought Volume 3 of Spy x Family, while Pie picked up Assassination Classroom Volume 14!

The bookstore chain were having a “buy one, get one half price” promotion. Got to capitalize on it.

Manga is my life.

We walked past two stands with swords, and one of them let us hold a sword! I never held a real sword before until that point, so I was excited to try!

Here's us with a Lion's Roar above, where Pie looked very epic and I just looked stupid lmao

Why was I holding it like that?

It was way heavier than I thought it would be, Pie passed it to me while I was holding my phone and I took it with one hand, where my arm literally dropped down at the sudden weight lol

Swords are epic.

Pie wasn’t able to go home right away after the convention since he had an inspection going on that wouldn’t finish by then.

And he asked me if I could stay back and hang out.

I, of course said yes. I had no objections.

I never told my mum when I was leaving anyway. She told me to send a message when I’m on the train sooooooo....yes.

And so, about halfway through the convention, I asked the faithful question: "so what are we doing after the con?"

That’s when we realised we had no idea what we were doing after the con lol

We thought about it for a while, giving out suggestions between us but it was hard since it was a Saturday and everything was practically closed after 5pm (the con ended at 6pm).

Library? Closed. The gardens in the city? Closed.

That's when I suggested Karaoke! Rather, I asked if the Karaoke place was even open on Saturday.

We found out it was, and there was the thing we could do!

We have always wanted to do Karaoke but it never seemed to align. It would always be dark by the time the place opened. We were in cosplay as well, so it was the perfect opportunity to!

I could only stay for an hour or so since I didn't want to stay too long after dark. I don't live in the city and the city gets sketchy at night, which was one of the reasons why we couldn’t do it earlier.

But it would still be really fun!

With that decided rather spontaneously, we spent the rest of the time on our phones mostly. Scrolling through social media, you know the drill.

We played these Instagram pause games of HSR and Genshin where you would get a scenario such as being in high school and then you would pause to see who is your best friend and the such. It was a lot of fun!

We got some crazy combinations, as expected from a game such as this.

Dan Heng wanted to kidnap me and I was okay with that lol

Mika was one that stalked Pie a bit too much during these games, so Pie developed a hatred for the dude lol

Once the con ended, we headed to the train station!

My eyes decided to kill themselves like usual as soon as we walked out because it was really windy, and we also went the wrong way for a bit aha

But we found our way to the train station! Don't worry!

Out of the train, we walked straight to the building where it resided! It's near the train station luckily, so I didn't have to walk too far in the dark once we finished our singing.

The building was kind of ugly and pretty sketchy in all honesty. There were these stairs we had to climb and the whole time I was like..."are we sure this is the place?"

But it looked much better on the inside! I was surprised.

There was a nice person behind the desk that had lots of drinks (alcoholic and non-alcoholic) behind them. It’s not like we wanted any but it’s cool to see them.

We were easily able to book a room, and they gave us two microphones!

The room we were in was a bit small but it had disco lights and a screen with large speakers! It was so cool, I felt so pumped to sing from the moment we walked in!

All you had to do was connect to the internet at the place and cast your phone to the screen with Youtube and boom! You could sing any song you want (as long as there is a Karaoke/Instrumental version of the song you want).

I won't write all the songs we did, since we did a whole bunch but:

Pie did Writing on The Wall by Will Stetson and Reach For The Stars from Sonic Colours, which was so cool!! I did アイドル by YOASOBI while being barely able to keep up aha and Super Sonic Racing from Sonic R!

By the time the hour was over, all we wanted to do sing for another hour! It felt too short in all honesty. It was such an experience singing and watching someone else sing too!

I was quite nervous to sing, but I did get more confident as the hour went on!

I also need to learn more Japanese songs because I don’t know enough Japanese songs fully lol

I did know one at least pretty well, being 光るなら by Goose House. I really like that song.

Since it was a duet song (well it has more than one person singing it), Pie and I decided to sing it together!

We were in the middle of duetting 光るなら but then the lights and music shut off instantly in the middle of the song Σ（・□・；）

It was so sudden! I was so confused, we were left in total darkness for a bit wondering what happened. The lights switched back on and the person from the desk came into view.

That's when we learnt our hour was up and we packed up and headed our way to the train station. I wanted to sing more…

We would redeem ourselves next time! We would do Karaoke again, there’s no way we wouldn’t!

I had to wait for a bit for the train to come, so we talked about our plans for Day 2...which you can find out what we did in my Day 2 report!

Thank you for reading my Day 1 report! I hope it was fun reading though my experience! *\(^o^)/*

#supernova2023 #supernova #convention #personal #day 1 #it was a lot of funnnnnn #this is rather late lol

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bees-tornado · 11 months

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hello stranger! I will ask you some questions! 6, 9, 26, 32!

thank you for the numbers stranger I owe you my life

6. Which route is your favorite?

I’m very biased towards Verdant Wind, largely because it’s my first route, but also because Claude is there + the way it explores and uncovers the game’s lore + it has the best final battle IMO. I really really like Azure Moon’s story though so it’s a close second.

9. What is your favorite scene in the game (can be in the main story or a support convo)?

Okay because this question is sort of open-ended I’m gonna do main story AND support convo.

As for animated cutscenes, I have two favorites. One would have to be the VW final fight, I won’t describe what I like about it in great detail because there’s a certain someone I know who will probably be reading this and still needs to finish VW cough cough, but it’s just a really cool sequence and I just think Claude really gets to shine in it. Two would have to be the Blue Lions’ Flame Emperor reveal because. Yeah. Uh. Wow. That was really something. The laugh? The shot of the spear flying by Edelgard? The way it really showed Dimitri’s monstrous strength for the first time? Very good. I had been looking forward to seeing how Dimitri cracks in that route and it did not disappoint when I finally got there.

As for supports, I’m not sure if I can pick just one, but a moment that really stayed with me was a Sylvain line from his B Support with Annette:

“There's just one thing I want you to remember. Guys like me who hate hard work and sorta get by on our wits? It all falls apart eventually. I'm smart enough to know that. So I respect people like you. I mean it.”

It’s a line that really personally resonated with me, and that was probably around the time I realized how much I liked Sylvain as a character.

Some of my other favorite support chains include Bernadetta/Sylvain and Bernadetta/Yuri, but it’s been so long since I’ve seen some of these supports that I’m sure I’m forgetting a few.

(Okay, I’m gonna try to reel myself in with all the text from this point on, because if I don’t I’ll never finish answering this ask lmao)

26. Who is your overall favorite character?

I love both Bernadetta and Sylvain very much but if I had to choose my overall favorite (looks nervously at merchandise on wall/shelf/etc.), I would have to go with Bernie. She was actually the first student character besides the house leaders that I knew about before the game came out and I knew I would have to recruit her.

I’m not sure how well I can put it into words unless I write a whole essay about it (that might be its own post one day), but I see a lot of both my gf and myself in her, and there are a lot of things about her character that are just really charming.

She caught me a little off guard early in the game because she had a lot more going on than I expected, but just like Sylvain, I think there was one moment when Bernadetta really captured my heart, that being when she showed up at the graveyard in Chapter 10. Not only was she (iirc) the only person to explicitly leave flowers for Jeralt, but she left her room and went all the way across campus during exploration hours for the first time to do it. She has several moments like this, where she goes above and beyond on her own volition despite her anxiety. I dunno, I just think she’s neat.

32. What is your favorite post-timeskip character design or outfit?

I love so many of the post-timeskip character designs, but there are two characters in particular that really blew me away when I saw them for the first time after the timeskip.

First of all is Bernadetta, they just made her soooo pretty for no good reason. I love her hair, her bow, her earrings, her pauldrons, her outfit, her color scheme, and how they kept her silly little bicycle shorts. Rip to the hoodie, but she has this sort of yellow cloak-like piece with the clasp that sort of gives off the same vibe.

Second is Lorenz, they took away his haha funny academy haircut and made him downright majestic. I also love how the rose is incorporated into his armor.

Anyways THAT’S IT! I’M DONE

#thank you again for the ask #sorry this took such a long time it’s because it took me a long time #you can tell I’ve been writing this bit by bit over the course of like a week because my writing style changes so much lmao #fe3h spoilers #my asks

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evelhak · 7 months

Text

This. This right here is the biggest question of my life right now. How do you sell your work. Really feels like a slap in the face for a real person. (KnB is being the most relevant for me in the funny little side notes lol...)

*personal vent coming* (That little line really hit a sore spot for me.)

I knew it when I was an aspiring author, and was dreading the fact that authors have to take part in marketing their books these days, because I'm hopeless. It's not like I don't try but I'm so terrible. I know nearly every author complains being bad at this aspect of their work but honestly everyone I know does so well compared to me. I just have zero ability to establish a marketable persona for myself and especially to keep it up. It is so draining. Whether it is irl or social media I just can't do it. I have no energy for it. I have a good eye, I'm artistic, so I can come up with a distinctive look, I've been trying to match the worlds of my books and I feel like I do fairly well in the outfit department by now, so at least for the time I'm in a book fair or something I should be more eye-catching than normal. (Even though it doesn't seem to be helping too much. Last book release party was I think the first where a reporter came, and took pictures for a big magazine of the authors standing in line. Guess who was behind a lamp in the picture? You would only be able to tell I'm there if you already know and recognize me by the corner of my vest. And this always happens to me.) Besides the fairs are no more than a few days a year after which I need to recover for a week from all the social interaction. And it's not even the interaction in itself, it's the fact that I should be initiating it and "networking" which is a hell for me. It takes a tremendous toll on me to start conversations, and most of the time I just don't know how. There's a lot more to it why big events are draining for me but this is a big part. I do not know how to initiate casual contact and if I figure out how to, once, I'm pretty much done for the rest of the day. Except if I have a clear goal in mind? Like you wanna be critique partners? That I have no problem initiating even with someone I don't know much, because I clearly already know that we would be compatible from their writing or what I heard them say in a panel. But the whole casual socialising thing I just can't do. I also can't keep up with social media and that's where authors are obviously supposed to be these days (Tumblr is different lol we're all just hanging here) and I can't talk to a camera. (Well, not regularly, and the result really doesn't seem worth as much as it drains me, I am quite boring to watch.) And it's a constant big stressor for me because the pressure to do all this is so big. And I know that my ability to keep writing could depend on it. But in the end... my brain is my brain. If I fry it by forcing it to do what it isn't going to ever be able to do, then I definitely can't write because my brain will be fried.

I know I'll have to come up with a way of doing this that is introversion and autism friendly, but I really just haven't been able to come up with anything sustainable yet. Because there is no way around the fact that you need visibility. I've never worked that part out in my life for more than moments. I haven't figured out the socialising part outside people who know me well.

Well, I am planning to go study graphic design so I'm sure the whole marketing your work topic will be covered there, so I am thinking I'll get ideas there.

I haven't given up, I was just somehow a little sensitive about something reminding me about this while I was in my happy world, not reality. Because it has been a life long struggle.

I'm wondering if I should even post this vent now.

Oh well, maybe someone will relate to it. Or have a kick ass idea to throw at me, haha.

#still rereading knb #but i got carried away being reminded of my irl problems

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erikanism · 10 months

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4 years later . .

hi tumblr! it’s nice to be here again~

actually almost every day i’m here to read fanfics haha. anyway, it’s been a long while, a long four years since i’ve last written here! a lot of things have changed obviously, if not all. having read my past entries, it may be all summarized into two words -- mentally ill haha. i clearly remember how it felt, how it hurt, how it was empty but very overwhelming. it was a phase i would never want to go back again.

i was diagnosed with depression three years ago, in 2020. i gathered up the courage to talk to a psychiatrist but once i diagnosed i kinda ghosted my doctor. i never talked to a psychiatrist again ever since, and i never planned to again, not until about a month ago.

to save you some time, yes, it did get better. everything went better for me. is this surprising? to me, it really is. one major concern that i was writing about four years ago was college. having been raised in a family full of UP graduates, i was expected to be one also, and four-year-ago me never believed i could. another was my parents. i couldn’t survive living with them -- i couldn’t survive them at all. next, well, my harasser haha. and another was just full of suicidal thoughts.

all lo and behold, i am in UP now. believe it or not, i’ve just actually submitted my thesis topic proposals to my thesis adviser a few hours ago. yes, thesis! i’m more than three years in with this college shit, with an unbelievably above bare minimum cumulative gpa. crazy, right? and i couldn’t even get a line of 8 in my math subject when i was in elementary.

my parents are, well, better. but, you know.

let’s unpack what i’ve written before.

i want to take my time with my friends without worrying about their scolding afterwards. i want to study my readings without worrying about their satisfaction on my grades. i want to take a philosophy course. i want to be an activist. i want to write. i want to have a tattoo. i want to have a septum piercing. i want to wear black outfits.

all that i’ve (thankfully) experienced already. almost four times a week i get home late at midnight from hanging out with friends. everyday i study my readings without worrying about my grades. i’m able to attend rallies. i’m writing (now haha). i do have a tattoo already. i have a very sexy septum piercing. and there’s literally not a day i don’t wear black

except one. i’m not majoring in philosophy. and for the past three years i think about it everyday. but it’s not worth hyperfixating on that yeah?

i acknowledge that everything got better to me. this is a phase that i never ever imagined i’d be going through. i experienced maximum level of happiness at times. and i’m surrounded with people who make me want to keep going everyday. i’m given responsibilities i never expected i could handle, and i receive bigger and bigger blessings everyday.

it is worth noting, however, that i also acknowledge having the same mental illness(es), haha. is this something to be sad about? perhaps yes, but not all the time. these four years taught me that this is really sickness. being depressed is not something we could cover up with “time will heal”, as i thought it would. continuously i believed that i’m completely okay. because i was laughing everyday, because i had all the reasons to smile everyday, and because i wasn’t sad anymore -- i couldn’t understand why there were still days that i couldn’t get up, that i couldn’t sleep, that waking up and functioning for the day were the hardest, hardest part. for the past four years, it took me time to realize.

i think the hardest thing about this, is that i never planned on living this long. i’m scared of graduating because i never thought i would. i’m scared of having to maneuver my own career path because i never thought i would. i completely thought i would kill myself, and i was always so sure, now i don’t know what to do.

i have goals, finally. i do want to graduate. i do want to maneuver my own career path. i want to experience touching my first designer bag for the first time. i want to book monthly appointments to maintain a sexy eyelash extension. i want my own apartment some day.

but having to do that everyday, having to wake up and get up for the day. i don’t often see the light to go through the process. i don’t think i can explain this properly. i know this feeling all too well. for years, most days, this is exactly how i feel. at times i don’t, which i consider the lucky days, but how do i actually work on having lucky days every day?

i know the answer is therapy. and i hope i’ll get there soon.

will get back to you when i finally get a job, i guess.

thank you for keeping me alive,

liwayway

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