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captain-danwilds · 3 years

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One Step Forward

Hi @avengerpercy! I realize I didn’t take Brazil’s timezone into account when posting this so I’m sorry this is technically late, but here’s your @aftgexchange gift. I hope this is good enough for you Cristal. This is my first time playing in the AFTG sandbox, so I wanted to live up to your expectations. I ended up using your prompt “Andrew and Aaron talking and solving their problems” for a little outsider POV Andreil fluff with a large helping of twinyards.

A few quick notes. Betsy and the joint sessions set the backdrop for this fic even though I am not a therapist and also not trying to make some statement about therapy in general (Personally I’m a big fan, but also recognize that Aaron really doesn’t seem to be in we’re in his POV.) I’m not trying to demonize Aaron or Andrew here. Aaron just fundamentally misunderstands Andrew. Also Raven King/Drake Incident references.

Ever since Aaron had found out Andrew existed, he’d felt unsteady. It wasn't just the sudden knowledge of how different his life could have been if Tilda hadn't decided to come back to get him or even if she'd just taken the other baby. It was the fact his brother was a mass of contradictions piled on top of each other and every aspect of their relationship was built on the idea of one step forward and two steps back.

Aaron wasn't an idiot. When the officer at the stupid game had mentioned Andrew, Aaron didn't expect his long-lost brother to immediately love him. This wasn't a television show. He knew by now that blood only went so far, that it hadn't stopped his mother from raising her hand to him or Uncle Luthor from sending Nicky away only for his cousin to come back a shell of himself. But he couldn't deny he wanted it to work desperately, for there to be another little boy out there whose life might be made better by having a brother in it.

His first step forward a letter that had to be rewritten at least twice because everything sounded wrong. His bedroom trash can overflowed with pieces of notebook paper crumpled in frustration or with ink smeared from tears he'd never admit to anyone he'd actually shed. Aaron must have spent hours writing the letter, typing it up in stolen time at the school library and sneaking to the post office while Mom had been out of it.

Hours completely wasted when the only reply was two words: "Fuck Off."

That should have been the sign to leave things well enough alone.

But instead, he'd taken the return address and written a second letter to "the guardians of Andrew Doe."

And instead of an answer from his brother, Aaron had gotten a voicemail saying Andrew had gone to Juvie.

Even the slightest hint of progress was met with resistance.

Gaining a brother meant losing his mom and never being in control of his decisions anymore.

Andrew lived by his own rules, an unspoken tally system of betrayals where Aaron would never be the one who measured up. Andrew wouldn't say it, because Andrew didn't say anything now that he was off the drugs. Aaron knew his brother only cared about him in context of proving that he'd never broken their deal. Until he called the whole thing off for Josten.

Josten, the idiot that would say things like "Andrew doesn't lie" as if he actually believed him. As if there truly was some magical code his brother followed that made sense.

"If you really don't care about Andrew, why does Neil bother you so much?" Dobson asked during their Wednesday session.

Aaron dug his fingers into the couch. He hated this. Hated that the only time he could get answers out of Andrew was when he was sitting in front of a shrink. A shrink who was undoubtedly on his brother's side. And that in order to get answers he had to rip himself raw first.

"I understand that therapy isn't for everyone," She'd said smiling gently during their first mandatory meeting freshman year. "More than that, therapy with me might not be your answer, so don't let today stop you from seeking help in the future if that's what you decide you want. I can direct you to one of my colleagues who you might feel more comfortable with."

They'd been meeting for almost a year now and Aaron still wasn't comfortable with her, no matter how many cups of hot chocolate she offered or how many smiles she gave. They'd come a long way from the complete silence and blank expression of his first individual session or even the harsh words the first time he'd shown up to Andrew's session, but it wasn't comfortable by any means.

The point was he wasn't about to pour his heart out to her even if Andrew wasn't in the room. With Andrew there, Aaron had no good way to answer the question without giving too much of himself away again, of being hurt when everything went to hell. Still, Aaron couldn't help but let the multitude of answers flow over him.

Because Josten waltzes in, every ounce of him screaming lie and danger, and this team bends over backwards for him. Because Aaron's seen enough to know Josten is dangerous. Because he will kill him if Josten doesn't keep his big mouth from bring the mafia down on them again before Aaron graduates and he can't handle another murder trial. Because Josten makes it so easy, throwing as many insults back as he gives. Those are the easy answers, because Aaron's life doesn't revolve around Andrew. He can hate Josten because Josten is a piece of shit who makes every aspect of his life harder.

But that's also not the whole truth. Because he saw the way Andrew looked at him in Baltimore, the tender movements in his hands completely at odds with the angry spark in his eyes. Because Andrew hates people touching him and yet he doesn't hesitate to wrap his hand around the back of Josten's neck. Because there's something aggravating in the way that Andrew can look at Josten and see something precious when he never looks at Aaron like that.

Aaron doesn't want to think his life revolves around Andrew, but his hatred of Josten certainly does. It’s partially jealousy. Why does this nobody get easy answers from Andrew? What makes him so special?

But the larger issue is that Aaron has seen Andrew broken. As much as Aaron wants to wish Drake away, he can’t. He’ll never be able to get Andrew’s face out of his head or the manic laugh left by the drugs. There are nights where he wakes up feeling like he still has the blood on his hands, that he’ll never be free of the feeling of Andrew knotting his fingers through his hair in worry when Andrew’s the one covered in bruises. Seeing his brother like that once was enough to break him. He doesn’t understand how Andrew can let Josten so close when Josten is a walking danger magnet. He doesn’t know what he would do when Josten inevitably hurts Andrew, because that’s the type of danger Andrew can’t just stab with a knife.

Betsy gave a small cough and Aaron knew he'd been quiet too long. He avoided Betsy's gaze to look at the clock. They were already a few minutes over their time. He wouldn’t have answered at all, just turned back to glare at Betsy until she dismisses them both for the day except he saw Andrew.

Andrew was still angled away from him on the opposite end of the couch. His mouth was still turned in a slight frown, but Andrew’s gaze had sharpened. Even months ago, Aaron might have missed it. It was a sign of amusement, slight exasperation maybe, but also one of want. Aaron had never seen that expression for any reason other than Josten, and now it’s directed at him.

“Josten isn’t safe.”

Andrew gave a huff that might even be considered laughter.

“I’m serious. You’re giving him the power to hurt you. Just because you don’t care about your own wellbeing, doesn’t mean I’m going to stand by and let him get away with it.”

“I don’t need you to fight my battles for me.” Andrew waved his hand dismissively. “Which is good because you’re shit at picking the right battles.”

Aaron groaned. “And what do you mean by that?”

“Neil won’t hurt me.” He said it like it should be obvious, like he can’t believe Aaron missed something so fundamental.

“But how can you know that?”

“How do you know Kaitlyn won’t hurt you?” The words were thrown like a weapon to end this conversation.

But Aaron isn’t about to rise to the bait. Andrew seemed to think that every girl was just going to be another Tilda, that Aaron would let them hurt him for the scraps of affection. He knew Andrew didn’t decide Kaitlyn was safe out of the goodness of his heart, so his answer made no sense.

“Why shouldn’t I be worried about Neil hurting you?” Aaron repeated himself more directly, even calling the idiot by his first name as a sign of good will.

Andrew looked down at his hands, his right-hand tracing seemingly random places around each of the knuckles on his left. The gesture seemed both familiar and wrong. Finally Andrew took a deep breath and looked directly at Aaron.

“He listens when I say no.”

The words are simple, but Aaron can hear the depth of meaning there. He gave a slight nod.

Andrew must still see that he doesn’t fully understand, because he continued softly, “He promised he’d stay” before nodding at Betsy and leaving the two of them alone in the room.

Aaron doesn’t hear Betsy’s chipper goodbye or even comprehend most of practice afterwards. His mind is reeling and even though Andrew only gave him ten words, it feels like one hell of a step forward.

It’s only later at one of the Fox movie nights that Aaron realized why Andrew’s fidgeting looked wrong. He’d seen that gesture before. Andrew’s right hand gently tracing the scars on Neil’s as they sit side by side in silence, barely acknowledging each other but still taking pleasure in each other’s presence. It’s easy to miss the moment when Neil leans easily back into Andrew and Andrew only tugs their scarred hand closer.

Aaron hated that it’s this little action is what finally makes him understand. Andrew’s words about Kaitlyn no longer felt like a dig. It was his brother’s roundabout way of trying to phrase his relationship with Neil in a way Aaron would understand. When you love someone, the world seems safer with them in it. Andrew might not have said the word love, but he didn’t have to.

#aftg #aaron minyard #andrew minyard #neil josten #twinyards #andreil #aftg fic #my fic

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trialnerror · 3 years

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Karate Kid/Cobra Kai survey

Tagged by @pohjanneito and @cobraking thank youuuuuuuu

It's the year 2021 and you're obsessed with The Karate Kid. How are you feeling?: tbh it’s gotten to the point that everything that I do is based on this franchise. I can’t do anything except quote it, talk about it and obsess over it. But to be fair, I’ve always loved this franchise and the fact that in 2021 I still obsess over it, doesn't surprise me much.

Did you grow up with TKK or are you new to the series?: I kinda grew up with TKK even though its about 15 years my prior, but its one of my all time favourite movies so I rewatch it at least once or twice every month. In regard to the series, I’m just glad they made a comeback because I missed my boys.

We gotta do the basics. Favourite character: At first it was Daniel because I felt for the little new kid who was getting bullied, but as I got older it went straight to Johnny. That cocky blonde boy with his ocean blue eyes made me crazy and especially now that I watch him in Cobra Kai, all he needs is some love and a hug...plus I would legitimately kill to have a drink with him because he knows where the party is at and I just love him with all my little heart.

Favourite ship: I don’t really have one, but the whole “Lawrusso” one is interesting from different perspectives.

Underrated character: the man, the myth, the silent legend - Jimmy..... but in all seriousness I love the dynamic that Johnny and Bobby have so in that case Bobby.

Underrated ship (don’t say therapy, lol): the friendship of Carmen and Amanda. I want their friendship to THRIVE!!! Those queens gotta deal with hormonal teenagers and unstable partners, so they might as well just become best friends and drink wine together.

Wax On, Wax Off or Sweep the Leg?: .....Sweep the Leg (Get him a body bag Johnny!!)

Which of Daniel’s dumb little outfits is your favourite?: It’s a tie between the black tank/burgundy shirt and jeans or the grey crewneck and red sweats because he looked hot in the first and comfy cozy in the other and I can’t pick between the two.

Character from the films you most want to return, who’s not Terry Silver: Honestly it sounds bad but I'm so ready for Terry to come back....I want to see the chaos unfold especially considering the fact that Johnny has no idea who he is, so I’m ready to see how the two of them interact. I’m also ready for Mike because you know he and Johnny have similar personalities of the whole “I’m a macho man who's the hottest thing since sliced bread” and I kind of want to see them duke it out a little with Daniel in the back just being like “w-why must I attract these types of people...?”

Scene that lives in your head rent-free: Got 4 of them that just run through my head like a hamster on a wheel....

1) the smirk. Johnny knew exactly what he was doing when he noticed Daniel and that little smirk just sent me

2) when Daniel is describing Ali to his mom (and to himself) and he goes on his little schpeal of “Her smile. She's got an excellent smile. She's really smart. I don’t know- I think she’s beaut- I’d say she's beautiful. I think she's beautiful. I think she’s something else.” straight to “She’s hot. Definitely hot.” like way to get all cute and sappy to “yeah she's a fox” and that little chuckle at the end

3) when Daniel goes up to the Cobras, post-Miyagi takedown and says “You guys be careful not to go stepping in front of any more busses now, alright?”

4) Johnny Lawrence’s most iconic part in all of Cobra Kai (so far) is “ and put one of those hashbrowns at the end like Hashbrown Team Cobra Kai or something and then SEND IT TO THE INTERNET”

Will Anthony LaRusso ever be relevant?: will he....? honestly forget he was actually a character in the show, but I do hope he joins in the karate antics that go on, and if he doesn't I’ll happily take more Anthony/Johnny interacting scenes.

You live in The Valley and are forced into the karate gang war. Which dojo do you join?: Cobra Kai 110%. The Way of the Fist. Strike First. Strike Hard. No Mercy.

What’s your training montage song?: I vibe with a lot of songs but probably Thnks Fr Th Mmrs by Fall Out Boy because it’s so hype.

It’s the crossover event of the century! Which TV show are you combining with Cobra Kai for an hour-long Saturday night special?: I don’t really have one but I could so see Johnny and Daniel as an unlikely pair of cops on Hawaii Five-O with Daniel being the brains (and the rational one of the two) while Johnny is the brawns (going in guns blazing - and by guns I mean both muscles and actual weapons) but yeah they'd be great as cops, especially in Hawaii...

Gonna tag @macchios @sonnycorleone @crimsonandclover27 @banzai-larusso @likethegardensofbabylonn @kingkarate @strikelikeacobrakai @hesjusttoocute

#tag you're it #karate kid #cobra kai #johnny lawrence #daniel larusso #tag game #this was cute

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geekkatsblog · 3 years

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Grey's Anatomy season 17x10 Review

Sorry I'm late again.

Meredith

I'm not gonna lie I was getting tired of the beach scenes, I miss Meredith walking down the halls doing surgeries and risking her career to save life. The hospital isn't the same without her so when I saw Lexie was coming back I wasn't really excited anymore because I was over the whole beach thing. But I was pleasantly surprised in my opinion those were the best beach scenes we had all season. I really enjoyed the interaction between them and when Mark showed up I was even more giddy but it was still a bitter sweet moment seeing what Mark and Lexie could have been it was truly painful yet amazing to see. They finally talked about Bailey, when Meredith and Derek spoke they kinda skipped over him but today we actually got to hear about him which was great especially because he seems like an awesome kid. I hope that Meredith really does take their advice to heart and enjoys every moment of her life, she's been in pain for so long I want her to be able to accept happiness and not be afraid.

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Amelia and Teddy

An unexpected friendship but a good one nevertheless, she brings out an interesting side of Teddy. I can't express how much my love is growing for Amelia Shepherd, it was an interesting road but I can truly say she's finding the way to my heart. Her encouraging Teddy to go to therapy was a piece of advice I hope Teddy takes Owen also took that step and is on his way to being at a good place. The way Teddy and Owen looked at each other just shows that they still have a chance. Tom seems to be completely out of the picture do at least that part is over. I'm looking forward to seeing where things go from here.

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Haynes and Jo

I'm gonna start by saying, I don't like what they're trying to do with Jo and Haynes here, I can smell the potential love triangle and I really can't right now, we just got over the Teddy, Tom Owen one. Also this may be the first time I'm against a relationship without even seeing it first but I just don't see it, however I don't want to be too quick to judge so I'll wait until I make a decision on what I feel.

Hayne's sister in law showed up with kidney stones and understandably he was upset after all his kids already lost their mother and now they were on the verge of potentially loosing their aunt who clearly is very close to all of them, she also seems to know a lot about a certain Meredith Grey due to his less than hidden like for Mer.

For a moment in thought this was going to be another moment like Bailey's mother I'm glad it wasn't one family member loss was enough, but in the end it turned out fine thanks to Catherine Fox, who I honestly almost forgot is an actual surgeon so it was great to see her strutting her stuff in the OR.

I'm waiting to see what they do to Jo, she's already attached to Luna and if they're going to make her adopt Luna then she probably isn't going to be able to switch specialties and do the whole intern thing again, like in season 5 when Bailey decided to stay in general surgery because she was about to become a single mother either way it'll be interesting to see which path she takes. Same with the Jackson or Haynes thing.

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Maggie and Winston

Truly was the shock of the week, when he proposed I was grinning from ear to ear. Through all of Maggie's relationships I don't think anyone has really understood her or been able to match her personality but Winston does and he's so sweet and understanding so I was really excited but then I remembered this is Grey's and it's never that easy.

I really want them to be endgame but at the same time I don't know what's going to happen because it seems so soon not to mention weddings never go right on this show, I don't think any went off without a hitch. Then the promo for the next episode came out and I got even more nervous because Link asks Amelia if she wants to marry him and we all know whenever there's pair something doesn't work out just ask George and Izzie, George died and Izzie lived or Amelia and Bailey with their pregnancies. Bailey lost hers, Amelia didn't so I'm here hoping that this will not be the case here because I'm definitely rooting for both of their happily ever after. They surely deserve it.

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Owen and Tom

Managed to put aside his hate for a day to ease Tom's fear. I'm glad to see he was able to do that because Tom isn't in a good place, he wasn't even before he had Covid except he doesn't have the support groups which Teddy does. He's all alone so for that brief moment at least Tom could feel a little bit of sympathy which was also a nice thing on Owen's part as well because it shows he's growing and being able to move on.

Also can we take a moment to talk about his conversation with Cristina. It was pure gold her asking him to take a picture of the monitors despite Owen already telling her the stats.

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Webber

Is fed up with the whole pandemic along with the feeling helpless, I'm just glad they were able to solve the vent problems because I was really becoming scared for his blood pressure. But by the end luckily enough things got better when they were able to take Meredith off the vent and share the ventilators.

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Link

Is not with Amelia this week and has gotten a moment to work again, however he's used to kid talk and now finds it hard to speak with or to adults.

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Jackson

Using the teachings of Mark Sloan and being with Jo

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Levi

They're really starting to show my baby the bad parts of life aren't they? I hope they don't take the spark out of him. Him Amelia and Maggie are the only ones left who aren't completely dark and twisty.

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Its Question time 🎉

• How is Meredith going to react after she wakes up and hears Deluca has died? I know she'll probably remember it as some sort of subconscious thought but she literally went into a coma, woke back up to find out that her ex boyfriend was stabbed and died. Not only that, but a lot of things happened besides that as well so I'm waiting to see how she'll take it all.

• Are Teddy and Owen going to get back together? They looked pretty cozy by the end of the episode so I'm pretty sure something's going to happen.

• Will Tom ever find happiness? I mean come on he's barely been on the show for a little while and already he's been through more than some other characters who were there for longer.

• Will they actually let Maggie be happy and allow her and Winston to get married without complications

• Will Teddy go to therapy?

• Will Amelia marry Link

• And last, What are they trying to start with Haynes and Jo here?

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hatlvs · 3 years

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hi .. it’s cecy again, i’m so sorry skfdsl i’m the mun of OPHELIA AYDIN, now bringing u my son, atlas ! just hit the heart if u wanna plot ! @mapleviewstarters

『 jonathan daviss. twenty-two. cis-male. he/him. 』 oh heavens, is that ATLAS HOLMES from CHESTNUT DRIVE i see roaming around mapleview? minnie may’s always calling them -APPREHENSIVE & -RESOLUTE. i happen to think they’re not that bad! they’re a pretty cool VET INTERN and every time i’ve seen them, they’ve always been +DILIGENT & +INTUITIVE. i hope i see them around again!

tw: drugs, physical abuse, stabbing.

THEN:

atlas is born and raised in mapleview, been here his whole life, his family has been here for several generations and the name is very respected. his grandparents were very involved in town politics and stuff

his parents are the town’s weirdos like they’re very open, very fun, were definitely hippies once upon a time and still kinda live by that. everyone who’s met them and are friends of atlas’ are adopted by the holmes’ now. i don’t make the rules

atlas has an older brother, orion, yes his parents had a theme, and after they got him things became really hard for two ppl who weren’t really used to taking responsibility. they started using a lot and whilst they were always very loving, they also tended to unintentionally neglect their son

things got worse when atlas came around, definitely a mistake and his parents tried their best to fit him into their lives, but there really was no room for children in their then current lifestyle

a long custody battle erupted between atlas’s parents and atlas’s grandparents. most of atlas’ early childhood was spent bouncing between them, but at 7 his grandparents won custody over him. orion, 14 at the time, got to stay with their parents

his grandparents were a literal nightmare, very religious people, atlas was not allowed to do pretty much anything he wanted to do and was expected to be the perfect grandson at all times. any mistake was punished, any time he spent w friends outside of school hours were punished. that didn’t stop him from sneaking out to hang out w lane tho

he was very often physically abused, would show up with new wounds and bruises every week at school, but would ofc blame it on being clumsy etc etc. it’s a small town so some people definitely had an inkling

at 13, atlas had a fight with his grandfather which resulted in a kitchen knife in his chest, a sudden but deliberate action not meant to kill, but definitely to harm. he was hospitalized for a week and it was then he was given back to his parents as his grandparents would never see him or any family again really. today atlas has a scar, but no other wounds/ailments (except the trauma).

his parents really did their best all those years to get him back, but in a town where atlas’ grandparents were so influential very few wanted to get on their bad side — and who would believe a reckless couple who couldn’t care for their own children after all?

NOW:

the holmes-case got a LOT of attention not just in mapleview, but nationally. it was a huge scandal, a heartbreaking case, one of the biggest court cases the town had seen. atlas doesn’t like to talk about it simply because he doesn’t wanna be pitied or defined by it. of course, he’s never going to escape it entirely

after atlas moved to chestnut drive at 19 to live by himself, his parents moved out of town and have opened a fox sanctuary where they save foxes from fur farms. they have about 15 foxes in total and atlas has a large outer area at his own place for his own pet fox, malakai

loves his parents, doesn’t get along w his brother bc atlas is lowkey bitter and has trust issues

works as a vet intern just outside of town and loves his job

PERSONALITY / MISC:

*aggressively* “i’m FINE”

atlas is a really chill and respectful dude, gets along w everyone for the most part. be nice to him and he’s nice to you, it’s always been that simple

he’s pretty logical and intelligent, has a tendency to let that rule over his feelings tho

does not shy away from physical touch, if you need a hug or some cuddle time he’s got your back

not the most gregarious type, he’s quite the introvert, but he makes exceptions if u get close to him

has a lot of respect for animals and the environment. there lives a tiny sjw within him

loves nature!! wants to live in the woods. hozier probably wrote a song about him

atlas struggles with (rarely, but it happens) anger issues. he never learned how to deal with his emotions and when he was finally back in a loving home the only thing he dared to feel was anger — anger that a whole system let him down

he smokes a LOT of weed, it helps him calm down

a n x i e t y

it’s clear his past has left some imprints bc he still flinches when people around him move very suddenly, but he’s getting better gradually

he goes to therapy, but he hasn’t told anyone but lane

abandonment issues, big time. does get kinda clingy on his closest friends bc of it

has a big old van he drives around in like the lil hippie he is

TL;DR:

nice boy who has endured a lot of pain in his childhood. loves his friends, has a pet fox rescued from a fur farm. calm and pragmatic most of the time, but can react with anger if he’s facing difficult emotions he doesn’t know how to respond to. anxious and doesn’t know how to trust himself. has the aesthetics of a witch honestly.

POSSIBLE CONNECTIONS (whatever gender is fine)

a neighbor of his grandparents (they lived on main street), someone who probably sorta knew what was happening there whilst atlas grew up. could be someone older or someone around his own age. could’ve tried to report it or not

former classmates !

a flirtationship ! they lowkey look like they’re dating, but they always brush the comments off. could be just platonic but could also turn romantic !

someone atlas used to crush on and it was super obvious and he’s still awkward about it

someone he babysits for, or he walks their dog, or something like that idk i’m not great at these

exes on good terms

exes on bad terms

sibling-like friendship

protective friendship

neighbors! chestnut drive gang come thru

friends !!! lots of them

someone he lowkey dislikes bc they’re part of the system that failed him ? idk how this would work but i’m throwing it out there

anything anything anything at all

#mapleviewintro #( 𝕠𝕠𝕔 — ❛・° › is there anything better than pussy .. yes a really good book.#sorry about the tag i just rly miss vine KLSMDFK

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masked-buffoon · 3 years

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Chapter 13: Filled emptiness (Part 2)

Warnings: cursing, angst, mentions of addiction

Author notes: that one is a very long part (around 3k words...). I tried to separate it, but it just wouldn’t fit, so here you go...! I think it’s been too long since we’ve had angst, so, as an author, it is my duty to write some for you XD please enjoy it!

"Kunikida-kun is so annoying~" Dazai whined as we arrived at his place "I did help the two of you~"

"Won't you admit that you could have done so earlier…?" I raised an eyebrow, removing my shoes.

"Well, it isn't wrong that it was funny to see you struggle…~" He chuckled.

"See…?" I sighed "That's why Kunikida is so tired of you…"

"Is that so?" He shrugged it off "I didn't know~"

I gave up trying to reason him. After all, messing around with our coworker was also something I did, although less than Dazai.

Even though it had almost been half a year, I still did not have a place of my own. The money I had started saving was not enough to rent an apartment, after all. For the moment, I thus stayed at my friend's, who had not lent me his bedroom. His place was divided in two rooms; a bedroom and a living one, where he was supposed to eat. I was his guest but he had graciously accepted to make me sleep in the living room… What a perfect gentleman Dazai was… Hopefully, I would soon be able to get my own apartment in the Agency's dormitory and sleep in my own comfortable windowless bedroom instead of waking up everyday because of the daylight.

"What about opening a bottle of sake to celebrate the end of the case?" He suggested.

"I don't want to drink tonight…" I declined "Tomorrow, I have an appointment with Yosano-sensei for my… Detoxification therapy…"

"Oh, I see." He did not insist "Let's just have a quiet evening then~"

"I'd like that." I smiled "By the way, did I tell you Uemura-san would teach me how to cook?"

"You didn't. That's great~"

"That's obviously not to feed you." I huffed "It is so I don't have to eat crab cans my entire life."

"You're mean…~ I do eat instant noodles as well…~"

"I can finally eat properly after all this time, it's not to have a diet based exclusively on junk food." I said simply.

"You might be right after all." He hummed "So, should we order something tonight?"

"... I'm still saving money..." I looked away.

"And I'm already indebted to the cafe beneath the Agency… I suppose that's either instant noodles or crab can tonight~"

He had tricked me again…

After eating frugally yet another evening and taking a relaxing bath, I unfolded the futon I borrowed from Dazai and let myself flop down on the mellow blanket, exhausted. Unexpectedly, my friend lied next to me.

"What are you doing…?" I questioned, eyebrows furrowed.

"I'm too lazy to go to my room…~ Besides, can't I stay with my friend~?"

"You've never done that before…" I noted. Is there a reason for your sudden behaviour?"

"You're wrong…" He chuckled, pulling a book out of nowhere "We've already been in a similar situation… Numerous times…"

"Cancelling my ability doesn't count…" I looked away.

He sighed slightly and casually started flipping through the pages.

"What are you reading? The same book about suicide methods again?" I asked, changing the subject.

"A good book is still good, no matter how many times you've read it~ Should I try committing suicide like this?"

He showed me the weirdest picture; a man sat in a large can, legs above his head. The method was supposed to kill him by eventually ripping his body in half. I stared at Dazai.

"Do you want my approval or my opinion?"

"I already know you won't give me your blessings for my suicide~" He grinned "Just tell me what you think~"

"Well… The chances you die are very low… It looks more like a… Torture method to me…"

"Eh? So it's painful…?!" He exclaimed, dramatically "I'm not trying that then…"

"I hope not…"

I took a book too, a mystery novel, and tried to distract myself from his annoying humming. I wanted to solve the crime before the fictional detective, but hearing Dazai sing next to me did not help me focus. After a moment, I put the book aside, and turned towards him. He had not turned a single page.

"Dazai…"

"What is it, Ogawa…~?"

"Let's get changed. We're going out." I said, standing up.

"Eh? But I've already taken a bath…~" He whined.

"Don't question it."

I should have doubted that this day would be strange, and that he would feel even more bothered by his usual torments. While he was putting his shirt on, I called the Fox.

"Do you know what time it is…?" He grumbled.

"Early enough, since you're awake." I smirked "I need you to find me something important… I need them in an hour…"

When I told him what I wanted, he yelled at me, but it was quick to hang up and avoid his scolding.

"So? Where are we going?" My friend asked me.

"You already know the answer…"

A shadow clouded his face, and he simply nodded. It had already been three years since that tragedy, yet it still seemed as present in our mind. Softly, I opened the door for him and called a taxi. It was dark, outside, a moonless night only enlightened by the stars and the lampposts in the streets. In that part of the world, humans still had the luxury to protect themselves against the monsters of the darkness.

The Fox was waiting for us in front of the cemetery, a bouquet of white lilies in his hands. As he gave them to me, he whispered:

"You owe me one."

I only nodded, and asked that we were left alone. Far from the entrance, under a majestic tree, which branches gently flustered with the wind, laid a single gravestone which bore the name of Dazai's late and most precious friend. When I looked at him, despite the lack of light, I saw he was expressionless. And motionless, too. I took his hands into mine, and placed the bouquet into them with a smile.

"This is important for you… Take all the time you need."

"... Thank you… You remembered…"

"In all honesty, I thought you'd slack off to pay him a visit, today… I'm sorry I was wrong…"

"Don't wait for me and just… Go back…"

I pulled the key to his apartment from my pocket.

"You know, I closed the door earlier. And…"

I placed them in his coat.

"I can't go back if you have them."

"Ogawa, I —"

"I'll be just at the entrance."

Surprisingly, the Fox was still there when I went out of the cemetery. I grinned at him.

"So~ What can I do to repay you for your help~?"

"Aren't you tired, Ogawa-san?"

I narrowed my eyes at him, and crossed my arms.

"What's with the sudden politeness? It's unlike you to be so formal…"

"I thought you might take me more seriously like that."

His face was severe. It was the first time I saw him without a childish expression and, suddenly, he did not seem like a teenager anymore. That reminded me we were the same age.

"Alright. Tired of what, Fox? I'll answer you, just… Drop that "-san"... I'm not used to it from you…" I gave up.

"Sure, I didn't plan to call you that endlessly anyway." He shrugged "Just tell me… How long are you going to pretend you're happy?"

"What are you talking about? My life really has changed for the better. I never thought I'd reach twenty-one years old, in the first place and I can even control my ability…" I sighed "Everyone in the Agency is so friendly, and I'll finally get treated for that damn morphine addiction, how can't I be happy…?"

"Well, since humans are all different, we all have various ways of being happy. Ogawa, I'm afraid your own happiness revolves a bit too much around… Him." He pointed at Dazai with his chin.

My friend was joyously chatting with the tombstone, as though his surroundings had disappeared, and as though I did not exist anymore. In his world, there was space only for him and Odasaku… I smiled slightly.

"You look as though you revealed me the purpose of my existence." I chuckled "I already know that, unfortunately… But he is my precious friend, the one I want to be happy…"

"At the cost of a fulfilled life of your own?"

"Nothing will fill the emptiness in my chest, except for his smile, maybe… I'm touched that you are concerned about me, Fox… But I assure you I am fine."

"What's the point of fighting so hard to earn the right to live, if it is to give it all up to a person who doesn't even see how soaked in blood the heart you give him is…?" He angrily shoved his hands in his pockets "Don't you ever tell me I didn't warn you…"

"I promise I won't." I giggled "You remind me of someone, a man I knew… I think you could call him my friend. Behind his rough facade is hidden a very sensitive poet…~ He usually had the right words to put me back on track…"

"Let me guess… You didn't listen to him at all…?"

"Am I so predictable?" I laughed "You're right, though… I didn't listen to him… So, I became addicted to morphine, then entered the Armed Detective Agency to be with Dazai… I don't regret it, nonetheless."

"I see… So you're the type who doesn't care about advice. That's good to know…" He mumbled "Anyway, let's talk about business."

"Mmh. I do owe you a favour. Do tell me what it is." I said, leaning back on a wall.

"In fact, I've been meaning to make that request to you a moment ago, but that's just the opportunity I needed." He told me, pulling a picture out of the pocket of his jacket "I have a friend. We grew up together, then got separated. I lost my parents and… Forget it. He's now a brilliant chemist, and he wants to open a laboratory in Hokkaido for his research. The government already agreed, but the locals aren't too fond of the project. He's already survived three assassination attempts… Could you protect him, please?"

"Being a bodyguard, eh…?" I took a look at the picture "You know I'm not bad at this kind of job. Well, I'll accept your request. I've been meaning to visit Hokkaido, after all…"

"I know. That's where I told you your sister is…" He remembered "Will it be alright for you?"

"I never said I'd meet her… What is your friend's research about?"

"It's complicated, but I think he's working on a formula to create petrol, you know… Instead of importing it."

"That's a very polluting business… I do understand the locals…" I frowned "I don't want to support him…"

"I know right? It's just… It's been more than five years since our ways have drifted apart… When he reached out to me, I couldn't help agreeing despite being powerless… I thought I could count on you." The Fox rubbed the back of his head.

"Of course you can. I'll handle the case for you. You've done so much to help me, I can't refuse a friend's request either." My lips turned upwards.

"I knew working with a detective was the best…" He snickered.

"That's because you work with the best one." I winked "I'll leave as soon as possible, maybe in a week."

"Oh, you're going to start therapy tomorrow?"

"... How do you know…?"

"You told me you would get treated soon, and I guessed you believed you'd feel better after a week, which is wrong, but I can only support you from afar." He shrugged.

"Why don't you work as a detective, too?" I laughed "I know it's going to be hard… But I'll manage, somehow. I have to… I'm this close to getting rid of that disgusting habit of mine…"

"Is that so?"

I nodded, and shivered. Although it was a summer night, the sudden breeze felt cold, and I tightened my tattered coat around me. My last trench had been ruined by my first case for the Agency and, since, I had only been able to afford an old, second-hand one which had already been well-used. Before buying new clothes, I needed to have my own place. These holes were not a bother to me, anyway…

"It's almost two…" The Fox noticed "If you start your treatment today, you may want to sleep, Ogawa… Otherwise, it'll be unbearable for you."

"Are you worried about me? That's so nice~ You're showing me your soft side today~"

"I've been worried about you since the first day we met…!" He suddenly raised his voice "Even though you were wearing a mask, your hands were so thin, and your clothes looked too big for you. And when you spoke… You would frequently pause to take your breath. You regularly came for the Mafia, and I do worry about my customers. If they die, I can't be paid…"

"... Was I really like that…?" I muttered "Whatever… I'm glad to have such a caring friend~"

"... Are you never going to take me seriously…?"

"I do take you seriously. However, as I said, you need not concern yourself with me. I am and will be fine."

"Idiot…"

It was touching that he cared about me to this extent. Five months ago, when I had come to him again to seek his skills as an informer, I had been such a troublesome customer, I had believed he would never want to work with me again. Thanks to Uemura-san, the Fox had dedicated his time to the cases I managed for the Agency, but, more importantly, we had gotten closer, to the point of becoming friends who playfully teased each other. However, I had never predicted that he would be so concerned about me. He had gone out of his way many times to help me out, going as far as finding Ruriko-chan and giving me, without charging me, all the information he had gathered about her life. I had not considered that I could be a person one could ever care about… It did feel nice, and I was ashamed that I had not, indeed, taken his feelings seriously.

We remained quiet, listening to the peaceful night of Yokohama. My eyes closed, and my ears were filled with sounds of all sorts. Above us, the wind danced in the tree leaves, gently accompanied by the distant song of the sea, which gently undulated under the thick veil of darkness covering the sky. Even Dazai had stopped chatting to silently honour his late friend's memory. The lamppost which enlightened the space around us started flickering, tired and old, before suddenly turning off. We moved towards another one, without a word.

I thought time had stopped, suspended by the beautiful concert nature was offering us, but I noticed I was wrong when I raised my eyes and saw the sky had cleared up, slowly taking its usual blue shade. That day would be a sunny one, I thought when my gaze fell onto the clouds coloured in warm orange watercolour by the rising sun. It was already dawn… We had spent the entire night out, and I had not gotten a single minute of sleep, unlike the Fox, who had succumbed to Morpheus as soon as we had moved to another lamppost. He was still standing, arms crossed and faced down. One could think he simply closed his eyes, but his slow and heavy breathing betrayed him. So, the best informer of Yokohama had the special skill to sleep anywhere, at any moment and in any position… It was a valuable one, yet a weakness he would not want his enemies to know of. This was proof that he trusted me… I could always use this information to tease him.

"... Is it… Already morning…?" He mumbled, sleepily.

"It seems so…"

"He's still not done…?" He frowned "For f*ck's sake, he made you wait the entire night and —"

"It's important to him… That's his late friend's death anniversary, after all…"

"... Aren't you his friend too…? And a living one, on top of that…!"

"Fox, it's enough… I'm tired, I can't bear your shouts so early, this day…" I stopped him.

"Right.. I'm sorry." He shoved his hands in his pocket "Well, do as you wish. I have work, today, so I'll head to my place. Thanks for accepting my request, by the way."

"You're my friend, it's my pleasure." I assured him.

He glanced at me, a strange, indescribable feeling reflecting in his eyes, before turning around and walking away. I could understand why he disapproved that I supported Dazai; any sane person would have already gone back to sleep, after all, and I knew no one who would be able to wait as much as I had. Even so, I felt it was my duty to be with him, from afar, so I could be there when he would be tired and broken by this peculiar night. It had always been my role…

I jumped in surprise when I sensed a coat suddenly covering my shoulders, on top of mine.

"I'm sorry, Ogawa… You must have been so cold… And it is the start of your treatment, too… I'm sorry…" Dazai apologised.

His hands did not leave my shoulders, and I pleasantly felt warmer, simply by being close to him. I smiled, gently.

"It's alright. I promised I would wait for you, after all. Besides, I wasn't alone. The Fox kept me company. He left just a few minutes ago." I told him.

"Is that so…? That's good."

"Yes… Are you ready to go, now?"

"Mmh. I'll go back to my place and slack off as usual~ What about you?"

"I guess I'll come with you. Yosano-sensei said she'd be waiting for me in front of the dormitory anyway." I told him.

"I see… It must be ready then~"

"What is…?" I raised an eyebrow.

"That's a secret~" He chuckled "Let's go~ I want to see the face you're going to make~"

"I'm a tad afraid of what I'll see though…"

"I can't say a thing~" He hummed, putting his hands on his hips.

He would usually put them in his pockets… But…

"Dazai…! Your coat…!" I followed behind him.

"You can keep it, I'm not that cold~"

"It's barely six a.m.…! There is no way you aren't cold…!" I protested.

"I'm not taking it back~"

"Dazai…!"

#bsd #bsd fanfic #bsd dazai #bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs oc #dazai #Dazai Osamu

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shannendoherty-fans · 4 years

Photo

Shannen Doherty Is Not Signing Off Just Yet

Fighting Stage IV breast cancer has forced some self-reflection, but the ’90s icon and so-called diva refuses to slow down.

By Kate Pickert Sep 29, 2020. Photos by Kurt Iswarienko. Elle USA October 2020 issue

On a cool evening in February 2019, Shannen Doherty invited some friends to a Venice, California, rental house for a dinner party. Doherty’s actual home was in Malibu, 20 miles north, but she and her husband, photographer Kurt Iswarienko, had fled the property a few months earlier, when a wildfire that started inland burned nearly 100,000 acres on its way to the Pacific Ocean. The couple’s house survived the blaze, but Doherty says the property sustained significant damage that made it uninhabitable.

The guest list for the dinner included only people Doherty trusted: her husband and the friends who knew the real Shannen—not the 1990s tabloid caricature, the loudmouthed bad girl with a temper. Actress Sarah Michelle Gellar was there, along with model Anne Marie Kortright, Malibu real estate agent Chris Cortazzo, and a Los Angeles doctor named Lawrence Piro.

Doherty had compiled the guest list, but it was Piro, her oncologist, who drove the conversation. Less than two years earlier, the actress had finished treatment for breast cancer, and Piro was at the dinner to explain that Doherty’s disease was back. The cancer, Piro said, was now metastatic (also known as Stage IV), meaning it had spread beyond Doherty’s breast and lymph nodes. “The way he presented everything to everyone was matter-of-fact,” Doherty, 49, tells me when we speak in June. The news was devastating, of course, and Doherty had invited Piro so her friends could get answers to the questions she knew they would have. Would she die of this? Probably. Would she die soon? Probably not. Why did this happen? It was impossible to know. Could this be treated? Yes, to a point. “Everybody got to ask questions and know what we were looking at as a group, as a team,” Doherty says.

About 300,000 American women are diagnosed with breast cancer every year. In the majority of cases, initial treatment for the disease is effective, curing the patient. But in a significant share of cases, the breast cancer returns, either to the breast or nearby lymph nodes or to other parts of the body. In Doherty’s case, despite the surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation she had undergone after her first diagnosis, it seemed that some cancer cells had survived the assault and made their way to her spine. Eventually, the disease will most likely spread further, to Doherty’s brain, lungs, liver, or some combination thereof.

Still, there was reason for hope, Piro told the group. Treatment for metastatic breast cancer, which was once an automatic death sentence, has advanced in recent years, with patients living longer and having a better quality of life. Some survive for a decade or more. Doherty’s treatment would include hormone therapy to block the estrogen fueling her cancer, plus a second targeted drug that is often effective at stabilizing metastatic disease. If this didn’t work, there were other drug combinations to try, but the bottom line was that Doherty would be in treatment for the rest of her life. As Piro explained all this, his patient sat at the table, listening.

Nearly 30 years after she played Brenda Walsh on Beverly Hills, 90210, Doherty is still striking, with high cheekbones and shiny, jet-black hair. “I think people have a mental picture of Stage IV cancer as someone sitting in a gray hospital gown, looking out a window on their deathbed,” Iswarienko, tells me. “I don’t see a cancer patient when I look at Shannen. I see the same woman I fell in love with. She looks healthy and vital.”

As if a massive wildfire and a metastatic cancer diagnosis weren’t enough, there was more bad news to come. Weeks after the Venice dinner, Doherty’s 90210 costar Luke Perry died suddenly of a massive stroke. After the show, they had grown apart, but they’d reconnected in recent years. They were even talking about working together, developing a new television project.

At a memorial service for Perry in March 2019, Doherty saw Brian Austin Green, the only other 90210 castmate she could call a close friend. Green had known Doherty even before they were onscreen together, and she shared the news of her metastatic diagnosis with him, even though she was keeping it under wraps publicly. Doherty and Green chatted at the memorial, and the conversation eventually shifted to the latest reboot of the show, called BH90210, a scripted-reality version of the old nighttime drama set in the present day. Castmates Tori Spelling and Jennie Garth had helped come up with the idea for the series, which had been green-lighted at Fox, and all the principals of the original had signed on—except Doherty.

Even before her cancer diagnosis, Doherty was dead set against doing the show. “I had already done two 90210s by that point,” she says. “I didn’t really see it as something that was going to help, but I did feel that it could stir up stuff from when I was 19 years old.”

The 1990s made Doherty a household name, but the decade also left scars. She had helped build 90210 and the Fox network into juggernauts, but on and off set, she seemed to run into problems wherever she went. Celebrity tabloids regularly published stories about Doherty fighting with producers, writers, and actors. She was a diva, according to reports. She was a bitch, they said, impossible to deal with. A 1993 People magazine cover declared Doherty “Out of Control!” after the actress’s ex-fiancé accused her in court of threatening him with bodily harm. The story itself, one of many like it, reported that Doherty had “left a trail of bad debts, trashed homes, exhausted friendships, and wasted relationships.” There was even an I Hate Brenda newsletter devoted to bad-mouthing Doherty and her onscreen character. “The more stories that were written about me, the more defensive and closed off I became,” Doherty tells me. “And the bigger the walls I built around me. I had a lot of resentment.”

Doherty had worked hard to move on from that time. When the newest reboot came around, she had long been out of the spotlight, but her relative obscurity had an upside—privacy, which she prized more than anything. She didn’t want to go back, to the tabloids or her castmates. But Green asked her to reconsider. “I was really pitching her: ‘I know it’s going to be fucking hard, but come do it. I think it’ll be really good for you,’ ” Green says. The actors had grown up and were all different people now, Green told her, and so was she. He would act as a buffer if she needed one. “ ‘This is a rare opportunity to experience each other again in a much different way,’ ” Green says he told her.

Perry’s death shifted things for Doherty. Maybe the show could be a sort of tribute to him. Maybe it was a chance to prove to herself that metastatic breast cancer didn’t mean the end of working. Maybe it was both. “Things happen and you go, ‘All right, this is what I’m supposed to be doing at this moment,’ ” she says.

This moment would be different. Doherty had changed, yes, but so had her ability to fight back against negative stories in the celebrity press. “I knew that once I signed up for the show, the bullshit would start all over again. And, in fact, it did,” she says. The reboot’s showrunner and several writers quit before the new show began shooting, and rumors swirled that Doherty was once again acting out. “I addressed it immediately,” Doherty says. On Instagram, she wrote, “I refuse to be cast in the same villain role because ‘journalists’ lack imagination.… I am a woman with my own story.” She wrote that the rumors about her causing upheaval with the new show were untrue and that she was a more complicated person than the headlines made her seem: “I promise,” she wrote, “you don’t know me.”

Part 1 - Part 2

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xlady-saya · 4 years

Text

someday there won’t be scowls [fic]

Relationships: aaron and neil, andrew/neil, aaron/katelyn

Summary: Neil finds that even with his mind's best efforts to hang onto the wounds of the past, his opinion of Aaron just isn't what it used to be. He can thank Andrew and Katelyn for a lot of it, but his own observations certainly help.

When he sees Aaron like this, the mix of worry and adoration on his face as he thinks of Katelyn, Neil can't help but feel too exposed himself.

It's a start.

Tags: neil and aaron bonding this time y’all, the usual fluff, references to canon violence

Read on ao3!

Contrary to popular belief, Aaron had not been drunk when he lost his phone.

No, no. He's just an idiot.

A couch cushion hits the coffee table as Neil rounds the corner, nearly knocking over a stray glass of water Nicky had furiously gulped down before disappearing to some party.

Neil watches it wobble. It's a needed pause, because he's not quite sure what to do.

He's not necessarily shocked to find Aaron here in their dorm. Now that he and Andrew aren't at each other's throats, the other twin is often around, either playing videogames or studying. It's the small concessions; the twins don't always talk, but the calm presence has done wonders for them. Especially in those first few months, the exposure did just as much as the therapy sessions.

It had been worth it. Even with having to feel Aaron eyeing Neil warily for months...Neil wouldn't take it back. It's because of those tense afternoons that they can all go on Katelyn's outings without a fight breaking out.

Besides that...Aaron does his best not to say anything too cutting, and it's good for Andrew. The slow acceptance, the effort, on both their parts.

At the thought, Neil smiles to himself. Andrew would never admit it, but having to war between his need to protect Neil while still looking out for his brother had been stressful with Aaron constantly antagonizing him.

These days, Andrew has been more relaxed, lighter. While Neil knows it's not all because of Aaron, their growing relationship is a huge part of it. Neil would never get in the way of that, so the sight of Aaron isn't unwelcome. Still, it's rare for him to be here without Andrew.

That's the bridge Neil has yet to cross, and doesn't really believe he has to. He and Aaron don't have to be friends for them to have Andrew's best interest at heart.

Aaron seems to agree.

He tends to avoid Neil when he can, or all the time really. Neil can't help but smirk at that; he’s certainly made it difficult for him, being friends with Katelyn and all.

It's not intentional, but it's too late to stop.

Vaguely, Neil remembers Matt planning a romantic night with Dan, and well...it explains why Aaron is here. He believes Nicky used the term 'sexiled,' which at the time was hilarious to Neil. When told by Kevin to 'shut up,' he simply employed the tactic later that night.

Served him right.

Another pillow flies to the floor, and Neil tracks it like a cat. He debates his next move.

Deep down, he already knows Aaron will do shit to help clean this up, and his frown deepens.

Normally, he'd turn himself back around into the bedroom, curl up with Andrew's hoodie and listen in on whatever exy podcast Kevin is listening to, but...

He probably can't leave Aaron like this, partly from curiosity, and partly because he's supposed to care.

He does care, he just sometimes wishes he didn't.

Neil dodges a flying plushie (a gift from Allison) swiftly, leaning against the door frame as he observes Aaron's frantic search for...whatever he's looking for. The twin looks two seconds from pulling his hair out when he finally spots Neil, and for all their progress, this part never seems to change.

Aaron's posture goes rigid the same time Neil stops breathing, their staredown freezing them both in place. It's habit after many, many fights. Neil waits for Aaron to say something insulting, to insinuate something about him and Andrew, and Neil's already mentally preparing for the retort. He knows the same is probably true for Aaron, except in his case he's prepared for lies and manipulation to fly out of Neil's mouth.

Or a fist to the face.

They expect the worst from each other, still. It's hard to break the cycle, especially with their history, and Neil stands stone-faced as Aaron squints at him.

Neil is stubborn, and he's not one to give up, another reason Aaron can't stand him. It just makes Neil embrace the trait more.

Knowing this, Aaron breaks first, sighing heavily at their own ridiculousness. They're supposed to be better, they shouldn't need Andrew to buffer, but Neil still wishes he was here.

Aaron grabs another pillow, seemingly just to have something to do with his hands, and scoffs.

Ah, so that's how this is gonna go.

"Make yourself useful and call my phone," Aaron orders, because he can't not have some of the old loathing in their conversation. Neil is fine with that; a nice Aaron would be creepy.

He's not ready to deal with it.

"I dunno where my phone is," Neil says with a shrug Aaron can't see, and it's the truth. Why Aaron expects anything more from him is his own fault.

Neil hides a laugh in his palm; it sounds like something Andrew would say, accompanied by the crunch of teeth on a lollipop.

"Typical," Aaron mutters, digging through the couch once again. He fusses with his hair, fingers itching from the stress. It's similar to when Andrew needs a cigarette, but Neil knows Aaron's poison.

Yet, there's no beer in sight, and Aaron doesn't seem to be moving to get one. It's odd enough to have Neil committed.

"What's the big deal?" He finally asks in the silence, walking forward to lean against the armrest and effectively blocking Aaron's search efforts. The blond's eye twitches from the harshness of the glare.

Good thing Neil is immune.

But again Aaron surprises him; the scowl doesn't last, the rare mask of defeat washing over Aaron's face. It's like the glare doesn't have a chance, can't possibly stay locked in when Aaron's thoughts are so opposite to the feeling of contempt. Before he even speaks her name, Neil has a feeling it's about her.

"Katelyn went out to a party," Aaron says, clearing his throat. Neil almost wants to laugh; Aaron is so terrible at keeping the affection from his tone. It's the opposite of Andrew, who can't keep it from his actions. "I wanna be available if she needs me, or just to know she's okay."

Some of the tension leaves Neil's shoulders. He understands in a few ways; while he and Andrew aren't the most frequent texters, they do let each other know their locations, and lately...

Well, lately Neil has noticed Andrew uses text to convey some of the things he can't in person. There's no grand confessions or love notes by any means. Andrew is still Andrew; there's just a new layer of vulnerability between the lines, inflections which Andrew's monotone would not allow. Neil's heart flutters, uncaged.

But in another sense, he's argued with Katelyn about this before.

They'd been having lunch one day without the twins, and Katelyn tearily confessed to asking Aaron not to drink some nights.

And well, that's what Neil deserved for seeing Katelyn as someone predictable, easy to read. He'd been sucker punched by that confession, but Katelyn's guilt drove her to ramble. She always framed it with an excuse of some kind she said; the vixens wanted to try a new club in a sketchy part of town, she was feeling paranoid because of exams, she'd had a fight with her parents, etc.

And Aaron, so devoted, never backed down from one of the promises. Neil had been impressed, watching Aaron dutifully drink sodas at Eden's instead of taking his shots from the endless trays.

Katelyn's worries about Aaron's addiction problems spurred the situation at hand, and Neil nearly made Katelyn sob from how against it he'd been. Not necessarily because it wasn't a concern, but due to the lack of trust.

No matter how Neil feels about Aaron, he knows Katelyn is his beacon. He'll do anything for her.

So, the least Katelyn can do, as someone with no gritty past or things to hide, is be honest with her boyfriend. Neil told her as such, not holding back. It wouldn't be an easy conversation, but one day she'd need to have it.

Aaron had yet to break her trust or lose control again, so Katelyn's betrayal of that sent Neil on a verbal onslaught.

Of course, Katelyn didn't take it personally. Something about Neil telling it like it is...

"It's why I tell you anything at all," she sniffled that day, her smile shaky.

Neil's never been known for being gentle, but perhaps he should've tried it. That, or Katelyn's still just working up to confronting this problem.

Tonight, she fell back on a bad habit. Hopefully, she comes back with something to show for it.

Aaron collapses into one of the beanbags on the floor, fed up with his search for the moment. The lines of tension and internal strife are all over his face, Neil nearly tells him to stop being so open about it.

But well, Neil blames himself for a lot too. It's easy to do, to imagine the worst case scenario, to already see something as his fault even when it hasn't happened yet.

He gets it. For once, he's annoyed he can't call Aaron's phone, but his could be anywhere. He winces to himself; he hopes Andrew doesn't find out.

"She's okay," Neil says, sinking slowly into the beanbag across from Aaron. From the way the twin raises his head, he's just as shocked as Neil is at the concession. Neil has always been spectacularly bad at the accepted forms of comfort. Maybe because a lot of the time they're a waste. But, he tries.

His foxes taught him hope, and he can't take the lessons for granted.

Besides, he's sure Katelyn is fine. And not his apparent definition of fine. More than fine, probably tipsy and gossiping about that one guy from chem class.

That's as far as his comforting skills go. Aaron waits for him to say something more, but Neil tucks his knees up to his chest, guarding himself.

Aaron frowns, but his eyes drift to the floor, rationalizing through it. The medical student in him kicks in, the one who is all statistics without room for paranoia, and he relaxes with a nod.

"Yeah," Aaron whispers into the awkward silence. "I hope she's having fun."

Jeez.

Okay, maybe Neil should've kept the conversation going. Katelyn and Andrew are safe topics, because they both have a lot of good things to say about them. It takes them off more dangerous paths, like the one they're currently on, sitting in silence and waiting for the other to snap.

'You don't have to be here,' the Andrew in his head critiques, unhelpfully. Mostly because it's the truth, he could abandon Aaron here and save himself from the weighted quiet, marred with tension and mistrust.

However, it frustrates Neil to no end, how he and Aaron seem incapable of having a conversation. Aaron is family, Andrew's family, blood which hasn't been poisoned by heavy hands and abuse. Neil should probably be able to carry a conversation with him.

He's sure Aaron's not thrilled about it, but the truth is, Neil plans to be around a long time. Andrew can say he doesn’t care as much as he wants, but ultimately, Neil knows he does.

Aaron regards him with a stony expression, perhaps feeling the same itch in his veins, the need to show he's improved as Andrew's brother.

Aaron clears his throat. "So, where's Andrew?"

Neil rolls his eyes. What the fuck was that?

But at least he's no longer in charge of making the first move.

"Eden's," Neil mumbles, pulling at the strings of his hoodie.

He doesn't expect Aaron's head to snap up, suddenly more awake as he straightens in his seat. There's a look on his face, Neil can't quite pin it down. Staring too long at Aaron freaks him out sometimes.

It's not often Aaron looks even a hair similar to Andrew in Neil's eyes, but the intensity shining there is hard to miss.

If he had to guess, he'd say it's suspicion.

"Eden's? Alone?" Aaron asks, and Neil doesn't know what to think. Aaron wasn't planning on drinking anyways, so who cares?

Under the scrutiny, Neil fidgets.

"Mhm," Neil hums, which only seems to draw Aaron's brows tighter together. "He said he had something to take care of."

At the wording, Neil bites back a smile. What sounds like secret-keeping to most people is more of a gift to Neil, something to wait for, something worth it.

"I need to talk to Roland," Andrew says, tangled up in the sheets with Neil. It had been a good day, Andrew pressed close and not crawling out of his skin to have space. It'll wear off eventually Neil knows, and soon Andrew will be forced to separate them slowly, pushing Neil to his side of the bed.

Still facing each other, still close.

Neil plays with the chain around Andrew's neck, tracing the metal cigarette at the end of it.

He feels the small font, can almost make out the words by touch alone...

"Neil," Andrew says again, firmer, and Neil's eyes shoot up. The fact Andrew's eyes are still so bright in the dark sends a shiver down Neil's spine.

Neil smiles sheepishly, but catches the lines of tension in Andrew's frame. He almost looks angry, but Neil's not sure who it's directed at. The storm locked in his expression swirls in a mixture of tension and consideration, trying to pick out any sign of discomfort in Neil.

Immediately, Neil's eyes narrow, heart cold. "What did he do?"

And well, he likes Roland, but if he's done anything to upset Andrew then...

Neil won't stop until he does something about it, and he tastes copper on his tongue before he can help himself.

But, the sight of a genuine threat in Neil's eyes actually softens Andrew's posture. Weird, how Andrew always finds the murder beneath Neil's calm facade to be a comfort. Andrew scoffs, fingers finally itching for a cigarette. Nerves. "Nothing. I just need to settle something."

And like that, Neil can see Andrew's not talking about a confrontation, and it settles Neil's own anxiety.

He's intrigued, but he knows Andrew well enough to understand it's not an invitation to pry. It's confirmed when Andrew turns back to him, a vow creasing his expression before the words leave his mouth. "Later."

'I'll tell you later.'

Neil sighs, content beyond measure. Yeah, okay.

And the words feel like a key, pressed hot into Neil's palm.

Aaron's voice brings him back to the present.

"Aren't you worried?" The twin says, incredulous. His eyebrows are in his hairline, like he can't fathom how big of an idiot Neil is. Something hot and ugly begins to simmer in Neil's blood. Andrew trusts Neil to believe in him, to let him know there's something itching at him and he needs time to get all the words together.

"Why?" He bites out; he doesn't like this, doesn't like the intrusion, the assumption he can sense coming. Neil knew enough that night with Andrew to guess that whatever Andrew needed from Roland was a vulnerable subject. And if he's being truthful, Andrew has been a bit off kilter all week. The anger he'd seen in Andrew's body had been at himself.

It means the blond is mulling something over, which he only ever does with the important things, because if he gets it wrong...

He doesn't want to get it wrong, not when it involves Neil.

It had probably taken a lot for Andrew to even admit to Neil he needed to go.

Neil doesn't take kindly to Aaron's old biases rearing their ugly heads. He thought Aaron stopped seeing Andrew as an uncaring asshole months ago. Guess he was wrong.

Aaron locks his knees together, searching for words which make him sound less awful. The search comes up short. "Well...he used to...hook up there, you know?"

Neil's knuckles crack from how hard he tightens them.

He can't kill Aaron. He knows that. Yes.

"I know--" He pauses to keep the sneer down. It's for nothing, since the viciousness leaks into his tone. Aaron's face falls in an instant, ashamed. Good. "I do trust Andrew you know? Don't you?"

Aaron opens his mouth quickly at the jab, but well, Neil's temper hasn't gotten any better. In true bitterness, he goes for what Aaron cares about, because he's never hesitated before. "Are you worried about Katelyn hooking up with someone at whatever bar she's at?"

Going for Katelyn is a cheap trick, but effective. It's always gotten a reaction in the past, normally violent and loud. He expects Aaron to jump out of his seat, to lunge for him. It's how he deserves to feel, an insinuation that his person, the one he'd do anything for, would go behind his back.

What he doesn't expect is for Aaron to freeze, for his jaw to fall open in quiet shock. The lack of answer is deafening. Neil's eyes widen, ever perceptive to the ugliness in people. It's so stupid, how he can't read so much about others, can't tread lightly with their sadness or embarrassment. It makes for awkward encounters, tactless comments. He has no idea how to read a mood, a room. Hell, he had no idea Andrew felt anything for him before Roland exposed the truth, and it had been going on for months.

But here, seeing the shame and insecurity in Aaron's features, it's so obvious it's laughable.

The silence envelops them again, heavy with a confession Aaron did not mean to give him.

Neil breathes in sharply, and some of his anger drains out of him. "Oh."

At that, Aaron's expression tightens, tone like a slap. "Shut up! I know it's ridiculous."

But not surprising. Aaron has only recently started to have good things in his life, not unlike Andrew. His possessiveness and wary attitude aren't exactly things he hides well. According to Andrew, Aaron's bouts of jealousy are pitiful.

Neil narrows his eyes right back.

"No," Neil says, before backtracking. "Well, yes, but it's mostly insulting."

It's a blow that lands; Aaron flinches from it. He has to know why.

Neil stands his ground; Katelyn's loyalty rivals Neil's own. He even got Andrew to acknowledge it, back when he was poking fun at how similar Bee thought he and Katelyn were. It's not fair for Aaron to be doubting her, when she's given him so much without hesitation. There was nothing but support from her during the trial, during the tumultuous months of therapy between him and Andrew.

Katelyn tries to bridge so many of the harsh gaps in Aaron's life, and trusts Aaron to do the same with her.

Neil may not be good with people, but he thinks he's spent enough time with Katelyn to know she'd never be unfaithful.

He almost can't fathom the extent of Aaron's hopelessness if he really believes she would be. If Katelyn knew...

Aaron sighs, burying his face in his hands. "No that's--It's not that I really think she would okay? It's just..." Aaron chews on his bottom lip, trying not to mess up the words. He can't be as careful, as deliberate, when it comes to these things. The fact he's even telling Neil this at all...Neil doesn't get it. He and Aaron aren't close, he doesn't even think he'd call him a friend. That's how much Katelyn means to him though, he can't have even Neil misunderstand those feelings. "I get scared sometimes and my brain thinks stupid shit, I know it's...I'm trying to be rational."

Rational.

It feels a lot like a crutch, like something Aaron is trying to convince himself of.

It feels a lot like 'I hate you' or 'there is no this.'

There's nothing rational about any of it.

Aaron will feel how he feels, the most important thing is how he expresses it. From how Katelyn smiles and swoons whenever Aaron looks at her, Neil knows he's done a good job of making sure Katelyn knows nothing about his deep doubts. Just like how Aaron knows nothing of hers when it comes to his drinking.

For her, the jealousy is just that, cute and harmless. It's not hiding dark doubts.

Neil leans back, contemplating. Comfort isn't his goal, at least he doesn't think so. Even still, the words tumble out. Kinda like a cheer move, but way less peppy and enjoyable. "Katelyn isn't the type to be with you unless she really likes you. While I don't get your appeal, and you're a grade A asshole, I never hear her stop telling me how happy you make her. Stop being pathetic."

He sounds like Andrew again he realizes.

'Stop letting it bother you or deal with it.'

From how Aaron glares, he probably thinks the same. Neil smirks.

"It's not so easy you know," Aaron grits out, fuming, and Neil worries he might leave the beanbag deformed from how hard he's twisting his hands in it. "I love her. Imagining it ending is hard, thinking of not having her around is unbearable. After everything...I just always think of the worst case scenario. Surely you have to get it."

Aaron doesn't manage to keep the sneer off his face for the last bit, and like that, Neil knows he doesn’t mean general paranoia. Aaron may acknowledge how important Neil is to Andrew now, but somedays it's easier to remember than others. Right then, when Neil is being particularly insufferable, it's a great feat.

Neil's never heard him actually acknowledge Neil and Andrew's bond before though, and Neil's not prepared for the assumption.

Or the derailment of his own thoughts.

Love.

It's not...it's not a word they use. Love is complicated, something that's been clouded for him due to heavy hands and harsh rules. His mother loved him, but to this day he finds himself wondering if it's the kind anyone should want.

His father hated him. Lola loved to hurt him. Neil never got the chance to explore the feeling until his Foxes, and he could probably say he loves them. He'd die for them, wouldn't hesitate to. But unlike his mother's own brand of sacrificial love, Neil would never think of hurting his friends. He likes spending time with them, getting to know them. There's warmth in his new family where his mother only knew frigidness.

Still, that's not the love Aaron is speaking about, and Neil tries not to grimace at the montage of cliché romantic comedies which fly through his head. He's not sure why he watches them, but it's hard to say no to Allison when she has him trapped in a chair for his monthly haircut.

The kind of love in those movies is not real to him.

Of course, Neil's not so stupid he hasn't wondered about this. After his feelings for Andrew became too hard to ignore, free of the weight of Neil's impending doom, Neil had to start thinking about how exactly to define them...

And yet, he still comes up short every time.

He's not quite sure what love is. He knows what it's supposed to be; devotion, protectiveness, comfort, affection.

Based on those qualifications, he and Andrew fit the bill, though people would probably debate the last one.

That's fine, fuck them.

Neil sees love reflected in Matt's eyes whenever he looks at Dan, the gooey kind, all open and adoring. He even sees it reflected in Kevin when he talks about Thea, except in his case it's expressed in pride.

Those things, Neil understands better. The actions, the tone. Those are the best ways to express anything. The words feel cheapened, lackluster.

He's not sure he will ever say them.

Aaron stares at him, expectantly, almost accusatory, as if he'll punch Neil for denying it. Funny, since Aaron would've loved nothing more than for Neil and Andrew to end things a few months ago. Now, Aaron simply doesn't want his brother manipulated.

As if Andrew would ever let anyone do that to him.

But in that realization, Neil finds his answer. He may never say it, but if someone were to ever ask, 'so, do you love Andrew?'

Neil would never even think of saying no.

And maybe that's all there is to it.

"Yeah, I do," Neil whispers, nodding and pushing the realization to the back of his head for now. He and Andrew haven't talked about it, Neil always assumed they'd never say it, he doesn't exactly need to. But...maybe...maybe it would be nice. Maybe one day Andrew would find it nice.

Aaron's shoulders sag in a mixture of relief and shame over his own feelings, no doubt seeing Katelyn's smile in his mind. Neil wonders what Aaron's go to image is, if it's Katelyn cheering him on at a game, or a much more private, intimate moment.

Neil sees Andrew's calm facade, lips around a cigarette, with a whole universe locked in his eyes. His expression is usually the same, squinting, like he's torn between 'stop staring' or 'never stop.'

Neil shivers.

Yes, if he didn't have Andrew...he's not sure what he would do. Andrew always told him he wasn't Neil's answer, but at this point they're so entangled Neil can't imagine a future without him.

Would he survive and make a good life for himself without Andrew? Most likely, but he really doesn't want to.

For Aaron it's the same, and Neil hates having to admit he's wrong. Looking at Aaron now, a war on his face and fingers itching for his phone, Neil gets it. Aaron has come just as far as the rest of them. He's much more alive now, in no small part thanks to Katelyn. Neil thinks he gets the pessimism, because he sees it in Andrew so often. Hell, his own paranoia has him in the same state somedays.

Aaron's feelings are the same as Andrew's, he said it himself. The assumption everything can fall apart at a moment’s notice is always looming in his mind, and he's never not expecting a catastrophe. The difference for the twins is now, despite that mindset, they fight against the urge to give up.

It's admirable, it's devotion, things he'd never thought he'd say about Aaron.

But here he is; it sucks to eat his words, even in his head. Finding out new things about Aaron is not something Neil planned to do when he walked out here, but he's not disappointed.

It's a start.

"I may not like you," Neil begins, as if to smother the unplanned warmth in his chest. He grimaces instead.

Aaron's head snaps up sharply, like lightning. "Like-fucking-wise--"

"But Katelyn does," Neil stresses, and enjoys watching Aaron's glare relax. It's impossible for him to be upset when she's mentioned, not even when he's angry with her, not really. "If you don't trust that by now you're a lost cause."

It's miles away from touching, from soothing, but it must work for Aaron well enough. It's Neil's own way of saying Aaron doesn't have to expect the worst with Katelyn, because he already has proof she'll weather through anything with him.

In the back of his mind Neil remembers grabbing Andrew's jacket sleeve before he could walk out the door one day, one very bad day. He remembers the words which left his own mouth: ‘don't give up on me.’

Eventually, Aaron settles back into the beanbag slowly, releasing it from his death grip. He tries to scoff, but he sounds too tired for it to be effective. "You're sure comforting for someone who doesn't like me."

And like that, it feels lighter in the room, because Aaron being annoying is normal.

Smartass.

Neil almost smirks; he's one to talk, Andrew would say.

"I don't like you, but I don't want to see you hurt." Neil shrugs. It's the truth; he has to keep Aaron from sinking to rock bottom, so Andrew doesn't worry. Neil knows Aaron still might not believe it, but Andrew will do most anything for him, and by extension..."I'll still watch your back."

Aaron quirks a brow, because he's an asshole like that. "That doesn't sound like dislike."

Neil's not quite ready to think about whether or not the statement is true, in the long run it doesn't matter. The outcome is the same.

"You're family," Neil states, and it holds all the explanation needed.

He's never hesitated to protect his family with his life, with all their awful baggage and selfishness. They stick together.

Aaron's eyes widen as he leans back into the chair, letting the words sink in. Neil tries not to show his own reluctance on his face, but he has to admit this is another way Aaron has gotten better.

He used to not acknowledge the upperclassman's existence outside of practice, but the fight has pretty much left him.

Essentially, even he has to admit he won't be rid of any of them any time soon.

"Yeah," Aaron breathes, breaking the awkward pause. He twiddles his fingers, fidgeting in a way which makes him seem so much younger, so much more vulnerable. His face settles on a glare eventually; he's not ready to look at Neil any other way. "Thanks for...watching out for Katelyn too."

It sounds like Aaron has a mouth full of nails when he says it, but it doesn't lessen the impact.

Okay, yeah. Maybe he's more progressed than Neil thought.

This is the man who wanted to beat him for even approaching Katelyn the first time.

Neil wants to open his mouth and refute it; he didn't do anything Katelyn hadn't already thought of in the past. When he gives her ideas, she sees them through. She's shown time and time again she can make even someone as hardheaded as Aaron bend, she's never needed any help from Neil and honestly, he's never given it unless he was pushed.

Before he can open his mouth, Aaron pins him to his chair with a steely gaze, voice quiet. "And...for Andrew too."

Neil feels his jaw click from how hard he tenses; Aaron is daring him now, daring him to argue. Bastard. He knows Neil's weakness.

And Neil hears the unspoken statement, sees it in Aaron's eyes, so loud and consuming: 'Even from me.'

Even from you.

Of course, Neil thinks. He'd kill for Andrew.

There's no way for him to deny it; Aaron has seen glimpses of it in Neil's eyes, the urge to throttle, to destroy anything in Andrew's way.

Out of respect for that fact, Neil keeps his mouth shut about Katelyn.

Fine.

It's so stupid, that Aaron has to corner Neil in order for him to accept even a piss poor attempt at kindness. It makes Neil grin, sharp and rueful.

It's the closest thing to an apology Neil is going to get from Aaron, his way of saying he was wrong to expect the worst from Andrew, to treat him like some unfeeling monster. Neil will take it for now, but if Aaron shows how little he believes in Andrew like that again...

Neil can't be held responsible for what happens.

Aaron throws up his hands, as if reading Neil's mind. "But no offense, I can't imagine you two having the 'we're exclusive' conversation."

Neil snorts, full on smirking now. "In Andrew's words 'you take up too much of my time for me to think about anyone else,' and that was that."

It was in fact not.

In reality the real conversation was much rawer, strung painfully along three days of trembling touches and long looks. The heaviness in Neil's chest had been unfamiliar, hollow and weighted all at once. He wondered, briefly, if it was what people felt like when they cried.

He hadn't cried in so long he wasn't sure. Sobs ripped through his chest with no outlet, no tears, no snot.

Like thunder, his heart pounding in his ears and pain beneath his skin.

Shockingly, it had been Andrew to put an end to the tension, to crowd him harshly against a wall and force them to talk about things Andrew hated talking about.

"I'm not supposed to be this for anyone, I wasn't supposed to live..."

"But you did. You are."

It's not a memory Neil plans on reliving here with Aaron; he won't be able to control his expression, his breathing.

He digs his fingers into the beanbag this time, and as hard as he tries, he can't get rid of his smile completely.

The night ended with Andrew holding him for the first time while they slept, and oh did they sleep. Almost twelve hours, the emotions taking a toll.

So yeah...

It's him and Andrew, until the end.

He knows Aaron must see through the lie too, at least a little, but he doesn't comment.

"What a bastard," he says instead, giving Neil a way out. It's not like he wants to hear Neil gush about Andrew either.

Not that he would.

Probably.

"You have that in common," Neil replies.

Aaron shrugs, not put off in the slightest. They didn't get to where they are now by being nice people. "Well either way I'm...that’s good or whatever. You know if he cheated on you I'd have to kick his ass."

Neil barks a laugh, so loud and out of character he claps a hand over his mouth to stop it. The idea of Aaron getting so much as a hit in is hilarious.

He can't even imagine it.

Then, Neil really processes his words. He's not sure what look is on his face, but it's disbelieving enough to ruffle Aaron into raising his voice.

"What?" Aaron shouts, and seeing him flush is so unusual without Katelyn around Neil almost can't comprehend it. "I don't care for you either or get what he sees in you, but I didn't go through all the trouble of breaking our deal and going to therapy to let him throw away something that's actually good for him."

Neil lets the annoyance roll off his shoulders; he could just as easily hurt Andrew, but people never assume it's him. Not like he would, but he wishes people would stop placing the blame prematurely. Aside from that...

Aaron admitted Neil is good for Andrew. Aloud. To Neil.

The smirk which grows on Neil's face is absolutely shit eating. "Sounds to me like you like me."

And, either from exhaustion or the inability to fight it any longer, Aaron lets out a heavy sigh. "Maybe one day, Josten."

"Like-fucking-wise," Neil parrots, and for once, the silence is almost comfortable. An itch under Neil's skin tells him it might be the first of more to come.

But, everything ends.

Neil's phone dings on the kitchen counter, and Aaron's head flies to it before he sees it's not his own. Neil, on the other hand--"Oh! There it is!"

He knew he left it somewhere.

Aaron's scowl is something Neil dutifully ignores as he hops up to swipe his phone. It's got twenty percent. That's an improvement, if you ask him. "I swear to fuck, Josten--"

Neil waves him off, swiping his lockscreen (it's a blurred picture of Andrew, because he refused to let Neil take one). He frowns when he sees Andrew's name in his new messages. It's not that they don't text, but it's still new for them to do it without reason.

It's early in the night, for Andrew anyways, and for a moment Neil worries something happened.

A: heading back

Relief floods his chest, mixed with what Andrew would no doubt find an annoying dose of curiosity. Neil can feel Aaron's eyes on him, like he's a zoo animal. He's used to it; the Foxes are improving, but his relationship with Andrew is a mystery in their eyes.

They're not exactly subtle.

N: that was fast. how was Roland?

He doesn't mean to sound suspicious, and it's not for the reasons Aaron might think. He's not sure why Andrew needed to go to Eden's, but if it ended in some kind of fight...

There's a pause, which he notes with some tension in his stomach. Andrew texts fast usually.

A: ok. didn't get to spend much time there so we didn't talk

Neil's brow furrows, but Andrew knows him well, and his explanation comes quickly after.

A: katelyn was there, I'm bringing her back

A: idiot rolled her ankle

Neil's eyebrows shoot up to his hairline. And Andrew says he's the interesting one. Neil can't help but be amused at the thought of Andrew being trapped in a car with the bubbly girl. Katelyn isn't exactly scared of Andrew anymore, but they don't talk directly. It really is a night of developments. Neil bites his lip to keep his grin at bay, feeling Aaron's eyes on him.

Oh, Neil is going to enjoy this.

He's not worried about Katelyn, just a bit surprised Andrew would bother with her. But, like with most things Andrew does, Neil accepts the facts and doesn't dwell on much else. If Andrew wants to explain he will.

It's not like Andrew will hurt Katelyn unless she deserves it.

N: okay. I'll let aaron know

He tacks on the purple devil emoji, the one Andrew showed him in a rare moment of instruction, and hopes his intent is received.

A: I should've never taught you what those mean

N: you're amused I can tell

A: maybe

Neil smiles then, a little less evil. The warmth which comes with Andrew pools in his gut and he shivers, unable to help it. The ghost of Andrew's fingers graze his cheek; if he were here he'd push Neil's face for smiling that way.

He never thought a 'maybe' could mean so much, but nowadays it's as good as a 'you're right' to Neil's ears.

Neil thinks that's the end of it when another message comes in.

A: Neil

He pauses, waits. Nothing. It feels like the clench of Andrew's jaw, the consideration before he speaks. Never impulsive, because he doesn't believe in regret.

N: yes?

The little speech bubble pops up to show Andrew is typing, and it starts and stops over and over. The tapping of fingers on a whiskey glass, Neil throwing off the rhythm of Andrew's routine.

It's something Andrew welcomes now, most of the time.

A: you'd probably like the stupid song they played in the club

An incomplete answer.

Neil's smile is uncontrollable at that point, it splits his face in a better way than hot coils, lifting the scarred skin and giving him wrinkles. Andrew isn't always able to say what he's thinking, what he feels, and this is one of those times. They're frequent, proof of progression which is always a tug of war. A few steps forward, some back. But every time it happens now, Andrew offers him a concession, licking wounds which aren't there just because.

Just in case.

But Neil's never hurt, Andrew wouldn't hurt him. The effort means more to him than he can possibly say, because he never asked Andrew for it, doesn't need it. Andrew is giving it, trying anyways.

Even when he doesn't get to the end of the road, Neil can see the destination.

He might not get to hear whatever Andrew really tried to say, not anytime soon, but he knows the truth in what Andrew did say: 'I'm thinking of you.'

Neil releases a shuddering breath.

N: I want to listen later

N: with you

N: drive safe

He won't.

A: maybe

'Okay.'

Neil pockets his phone as it hits below ten percent, and when he hears Aaron cough awkwardly, he remembers the rest of his objective.

Keeping his face blank is a talent he can only thank his boyfriend for.

"Andrew's with Katelyn," he says, as innocently as possible, moving to brew some hot chocolate for when the blond returns. He gets as far as pouring the powder when Aaron looks up, eyeing him as if he's trying to parse through his Spanish homework (without Neil's help).

"Oh, okay," he says, unsure. Neil raises his head as he stirs, watching Aaron blink once, twice.

He clinks his spoon against the rim of the pan, and hears a scream.

"WHAT."

Neil counts the night as a win on account of Aaron jamming his hip against the dorm railing in his haste to haul ass down to the parking lot.

The roar of the Maserati's engine is music to Neil's ears. He and Andrew spend time apart often, but he simply prefers to have him home.

He ignores the look he gets from Andrew as his eyes flit between Neil and Aaron, a silent question. Neil tries not to groan; he knows he'll have to admit it eventually, but his new Aaron revelations aren't things he wants to return to so soon.

When Aaron nods at Andrew, the hint of a smile present and Katelyn against his shoulder, Neil is the only one who knows it for the apology it is. Andrew didn't let him down, of course he wouldn't.

As Aaron turns towards the dorms with Katelyn, fussing and kissing her cheek, Neil doesn't miss the brief glance he sends his way. 'Sorry for doubting.'

And it's not enough for Neil, but it's a start.

With Aaron gone, Neil takes a bold step in Andrew's direction. The magnetic pull is too much, and he raises his brow at the twitch in Andrew's face. People who believe Neil can't flirt have never seen him get under Andrew's skin; it's shockingly easy for him.

Andrew, ever one for reciprocation, takes his own step forward. Neil sees the amused glint shine through the dark, barely there but so apparent to him.

Despite that, Neil doesn't close the gap. He sees the lines of tension wrapped over Andrew's shoulders, not put there by him. They've been there since he got out of the car with Katelyn; something had put him on edge, making him extra cautious, over thinking.

But Neil is there to smooth those points of tension.

Maybe Andrew and Katelyn did get to talking, it sure would be fitting after the night Neil had.

He walks over slowly, letting Andrew set the boundaries if he needs to. He doesn't budge.

"Can I help?" Neil whispers, and expects Andrew to roll his eyes.

'Don't be dramatic,' or 'I don't need help’ seems impending.

Instead, Andrew sighs, tugging at the chain around his neck.

"You tend to," he says, like it's an annoyance. "You do."

Neil grins, wrapping one hand in Andrew's jacket sleeve. He can tell Andrew is still trying to say something, but he's not ready. Neil doesn't need him to be. Though, with the urgency Andrew took with him to Eden's, Neil figures he'll find out soon.

In the meantime, Neil bats Andrew's hand away to pull out his necklace. The little cigarette had made him crack up when he saw it; he didn't think Andrew would actually take to wearing it, but then he'd seen ‘pipe dream’ engraved on it…

Neil hardly sees him remove it.

"You need one too," Andrew mumbles. "I'm tired of being the only one looking like an idiot."

"Get me one then," Neil shoots back, not bothering to point out how Andrew doesn't give a shit what people think of him. It's a joke, but sometimes flustering Neil is more important to Andrew than keeping his pride intact.

"I'm looking still," he says, yanking the chain away from Neil's fingers and stuffing it below his shirt. The movement is irritated, his body language is not.

And oh, that smile on Neil's face must be back, because Andrew snaps at him not a moment later. "Stop it."

"You first," Neil retorts, stupidly, definitely not his best work. But he can't focus with Andrew reaching out for him, pulling at his forearms until Neil's wrists are settling gently on his shoulders. The few inches he has on Andrew never fails to make him laugh, but Andrew's stare is so intense at the moment, the sounds dies on Neil's lips.

The lips Andrew keeps looking at.

Neil leans in, and as his lips graze Andrew's, he smirks. "Did you enjoy your girl talk?"

The blond tenses up in an instant, like hell has frozen over. The stare he levels at Neil is about as unamused as it gets. "You have never heard of a mood in your life."

Andrew makes a show of shoving Neil away while he laughs, but Neil latches on, because he's a shit like that and Andrew loves it. "No, I just know getting you back into the mood is easy," he whispers in Andrew's ear, his thumb sliding down his neck. He delights in the shiver he gets in return.

"Your arrogance is putting you on thin ice," Andrew grits out.

"Do something about it."

When Andrew kisses him, his hands hold Neil's face, and it's his favorite. Neil is pretty sure Andrew knows it, but he'd never point it out, for fear Andrew would stop in retaliation.

Neil is taller, but somehow he ends up surging up to the tips of his toes, the kiss electrifying for something so chaste, a kiss Andrew doesn't even deepen. They're in public, he won't do it, but it leaves Neil yearning anyways.

"It wasn't revolting," Andrew admits when he pulls away, his thumbs rubbing firmly into Neil's face scars.

For a moment, Neil's mind is so hazy he doesn't get it, and he blinks until Andrew catches on.

"The cheer--Katelyn."

Oh. Neil lets his eyes widen; it's not that he sees Andrew as an unfeeling monster, he would never. But...Katelyn is not his type of person. It almost makes Neil laugh, imagining Katelyn with her neverending stream of talking points, attempting to fill the silence of Andrew's Maserati.

Again, it's a start.

Maybe he can trade his conversation with Aaron for Andrew's with Katelyn.

"I'm proud of you," Neil says with a grin, and doesn't elaborate that he means he's proud Andrew is fixing things with Aaron in more ways than therapy. One gap at a time, he makes the necessary choices to sew up the majority of the wound. He'll always be Andrew, holding his brother and Katelyn at a distance, not compromising his own self and beliefs.

It'll never fit together quite right, far from perfect, but they're making their own way.

"For what?" Andrew scowls at him, moving his hands from under Neil's eyes to tug at his mouth. Neil fights him, but the grin can't hold up against the roughness.

Neil lets it go with a wink, which only makes Andrew frown more as Neil turns around. Katelyn moves slow, and he can see Aaron making her even slower by worrying too much. They're barely at the door. Neil sighs, shaking his head. "Ready to go up?"

They may not have privacy, but they'll have more than this...

"No," Andrew says, grabbing the sleeve of Neil's hoodie.

Neil reaches up to tap at Andrew's pulse, patient but not willing to be completely passive in this case. He's missed Andrew all day; he hopes his touch is enough to communicate to Andrew how he doesn't have to try so hard right then.

Neil doesn't need him to keep trying to force out words he's not ready to say; Andrew already had a lot taken out of him after tonight.

Neil too, honestly.

Andrew grunts, turning back to the car. It's the only answer Neil needs, and he gratefully hops into the passenger seat. Neil will follow Andrew wherever he decides to take him, for however long Andrew needs to clear his head.

It's nice, to run without running away.

Andrew's hand grazes his before clutching the gear shift, and they veer out of the parking lot with zero caution.

This is it, he thinks. Andrew's reckless driving after midnight, and a hand in his, with lots of time left to say what needs to be said.

This is it. Four truths: sunrise, Abram, death, us.

Briefly, as he remembers Aaron's confessions, he wonders, hopes even, that the twin feels the same about his life. No, he knows Aaron feels the same way about Katelyn.

That's not even a question.

Neil smiles as he rolls down the window, ignoring Andrew's comment about how he's like a dog, and jots down another line on the list of things to admire about Aaron.

Begrudgingly, of course.

#all for the game #neil josten #andreil #aaron minyard #andrew minyard #katelyn minyard #bc they're married in my heart already

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heatherjeff · 3 years

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2020 Book List

It has been ages since I have written and, like everyone else, there seems to be a bit more unstructured time in my everyday life. It makes perfect sense the impetus for a return to blogging is books, reading is fundamental!

My friend, KDaddy, annually shares the list of books he’s read. The first time I noticed his list I was thrilled, took notes, commented on how happy I was, and proceeded to read many of his recommendations. When it became clear 2020 was going to be a little different books became an even bigger part of my days as well as an escape from the grind of the news and the pandemic.

When KDaddy tagged me with his book list this year, it occurred to me I have a little platform where I can post my own year in review. Books are the best and reading has served me well my whole life, 2020 was no exception.

First, a few facts. This year I read 35 books, for comparison I read 24 in 2019. That makes me happy especially since there are not a million things about 2020 to invoke a sense of accomplishment. I have long kept a book journal since my title and author memory is similar to a sieve. At the start of the pandemic everyone in my house was gifted a kindle, I was not a fan of the plan, paper books are my love language. As this time has worn on, the kindle has proven to be a brilliant and magical purchase. Libby is a completely modern wonder and the next time I am in NYC I will, for sure, treat myself to a library card from that library system.

With no further ado let’s talk books.

Definitely Read:

The Nightingale: A Novel by Kristin Hannah

Two sisters reacted to the unfolding atrocities of WWII in very different ways. Both were fierce, suffered in ways unimaginable to most of us, and illustrated the many ways women are impacted by a war. Such a powerful read.

The Home for Unwanted Girls by Joanna Goodman

Great read based on a true story about a teenager who became pregnant. Her family forced her to give up her baby and it was placed in a mental institution for the sole reason the child was an “orphan”. Many more plot twists follow, this was a gem of a book.

Women in Sunlight: A Novel by Frances Mayes

This book kicked off as total cliche and morphed into complete life goals. Three older women, all single for a variety of reasons, strike up a friendship and move to a Tuscan Villa. I want to be them someday in Italy living with the locals.

The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind by William Kamkwamba and Bryan Mealer

YA This came highly recommended from my youngest. It opened his eyes to the world in a huge way and he was very committed to sharing this story with all of us. William is a complete force of nature and against (truly) all odds changes the trajectory or his family, his village, and his life with ingenuity and desire. Love this book so much.

Little Fire’s Everywhere: A Novel by Celeste Ng

Heard so much about this book and completely loved it all. So. Many. Plot. Twists.

Dear Martin by Nic Stone

YA read from my kid, a MUST read. This book was chilling on a 1,000 different levels. Race, police profiling, education, culture- Nic Stone packed it all in and it opened my heart and sparked some good conversations in our home.

Girl, Woman, Other: A Novel by Bernardine Evaristo

This thoughtfully constructed book was a gift from another reader friend and is one of my favorite reads of the year. It shares multiple first person layered viewpoints from British women who span every part of society. Great read.

Dutch House by Ann Patchett

Let’s be clear, I love Ann Patchett. Love. Whenever she authors a new novel I am jazzed and the Dutch House is no exception. The house becomes an actual character in the story and has everything to do with the brokenness of family who moves into it.

Shoe Dog: A Memoir by the Creator of Nike by Phil Knight

Unpopular opinion, I am not a fan of Nike. I am a tremendous fan of Phil Knight’s innovation and hustle. Phil is a visionary and expert storyteller.

The Tatowist of Auschwitz: A Novel by Heather Morris

The novel is based on interviews with Lale Sokolov, a Slovakian Jew who used his position of relative privilege to positively impact the lives of as many fellow prisoners as possible. I had to read this book fast since it impacted my sleep, which it should. Incredible read.

American Dirt: A Novel by Jeanine Cummins

Ooofff, this book is hard to read. I started and stopped because I could not sleep and opted to read it during daylight hours only. It is seriously terrifying in a million ways. It is about a family who has to flee from Alcopulcio to the United States due to extreme violence from the local and very well connected drug cartel. This book is a testament to the grit of illegal immigrants and an eye opening read about the terror they face.

Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption by Bryan Stevenson

True story of Bryan Stevenson’s quest to navigate the criminal justice system in the rural south where he aims to help the most disadvantaged in the system. Timely, eye opening, and full of action items we all need to help with for the betterment of our society.

City of Girls: A Novel by Elizabeth Gilbert

Books by Elizabeth Gilbert are some of my favorites and I was concerned when I started this book, it was a struggle. It came together and I ended up loving it. A story about NYC in the 1940’s centered around a girl/woman who is sent to live with her aunt at her playhouse full of showgirls. It was such an unrelatable read, it transported me to a time I have never really considered and it was a trip worth taking.

Totally Enjoyable:

True Colors by Kristen Hannah

Reads like YA fiction and I loved it. It’s about a ranch family, their horses, land, siblings, their live father and deceased mother. It is not deep and is a fun read.

In a Dark, Dark Wood by Ruth Ware

This book was intense, fun, & slightly scary. A “hen party” in a, literal glass house, becomes the scene of a murder.

The Queen of Hearts by Kimmery Martin

This is a fun read about two best friends who become doctors together and then the plot thickens. Can’t say more, it is complicated.

Freud’s Mistress by Karen Mack

This was my last library loan before the pandemic. It is a fascinating read based loosely on the dynamics of Freud’s family, drugs, affairs that feel a bit like incest, a huge male ego, this should not sound familiar in any way!

The Sun is Also a Star by Nicola Yoon

YA, loaner from my kid (which came to my nightstand highly recommended). This is a sweet, sweet love story of two teenagers who have very different backgrounds and lots of big feelings. The whole book takes place over the course of one day.

It All Comes Back to You by Beth Duke

This was a surprise hit and it sucked me in. The story is about a nurse in a retirement community who befriends a resident who lived a big life.

The Queen’s Fortune: A Novel of Desiree, Napoleon, and the Dynasty That Outlasted the Empire by Allison Pataki

I admit, I am a fan of royalty, it is so intriguing and this book was completely spellbinding. The story is based on Napoleon's France and it was messy.

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks by Rebecca Skloot

NF This book is amazing. A poor black woman has cancer cells removed from her body, these rapidly reproducing cells become known as HeLa cells and change the trajectory of modern medicine. There are so many consequences from this seemiling small discovery and the impact to the medical world and to Henrietta’s family are far reaching.

The Woman in the Window: A Novel by A.J. Finn

Read this in one day at the beach, I was sucked into this story of Anna Fox and her salacious neighborhood drama.

The Last Romantics by Tara Conklin

I know I liked this book and made a note about the “pause” taken over the summer when the kids in the family basically ran wild. That’s all I’ve got.

Untamed by Glennon Doyle

There was a ton of hype around this book and it is well deserved. Glennon tells it like it is and, like it or not, she has a lot of points that hit. I read this on my kindle and think I would have liked reading the physical book more.

This is the Story of a Happy Marriage by Ann Patchett

Short stories from Ann Patchett? Yes, 100% yes. The story of her relationship with Lucy, of Truth and Beauty: A Friendship, was wonderful as was the explanation of her book store in Nashville.

After You: A Novel (Me Before You Trilogy) by Jojo Moyes

I have zero idea that Me Before You was a trilogy! It is a total candy read, you are not going to learn much about your soul or the universe, but it is fun and better than TV. And yes, I will read the third book in the trilogy because candy is good!

The Saturday Night Supper Club by Carla Laureano

Also a trilogy, another happy surprise. This book is fun, another candy read, and so appealing. When I was a kid I wanted to have a restaurant so this story made my heart happy. It is a bit too clean, a bit cliche, and an enjoyable read.

Daisy Jones & The Six: A Novel by Taylor Jenkins Reid

This novel will transport you to a land of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. I read this was loosely based on the story of Fleetwood Mac, true or false, this book captures a moment in history and reads a lot like a play and is completely enjoyable.

Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng

This is the book written before Little Fires Everywhere, similar deal- family strife/mystery, kind of riveting with lots of twists. Solid read.

Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, HER Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed by Lori Gottlieb

NF, look at a therapist who finds herself in need of therapy. It is kind of a russian doll type of read with layers, upon layers, hidden within each other.

With the Fire on High by Elizabeth Acevedo

YA, another loaner from my kid. Such a great book about a kid who wants to be a chef and express herself through her cooking. She is a teen mother living with her abuela, it is a heartwarming book and I love the main character’s spirit.

Sidenote: schools around here are closed for the duration yet students can reserve library books and go to the local library of your choice where their school librarians greet them, warmly, in the parking lot for a drive by pick-up. It is a wonderful and much appreciated service being offered to our kids.

Nine Perfect Strangers by Liane Moriarty

This book is ridiculous, it had a strong start, went sideways but was fun and overall enjoyable. The premise is nine people descend upon an exclusive health retreat. The woman who is in change morphs from motivating to overlord, obviously.

No Thank You:

13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher

YA read, loaner from my daughter. I did not like this one bit, it made sucide seem so glam. Glad I read it and am always happy when my kids share books with me and I will always hate stories of kids’ suffering.

There There: A Novel by Tommy Orange

This book was hard to follow, had too many characters, and there was a very dark thread that I did not enjoy.

The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood

This book hit me at the wrong time this year. The dystopian nature felt a little too close to home. I know it is a work for the ages but it was all ouch.

Wow, that felt good to reflect on and process. I have never really looked for threads in my own reading and knew a few things already but like seeing the balance of candy books and hard, timely topics. All in all I feel great about my 2020 reading list and hope there are titles that interest or resonate with you too. Here is to libraries reopening someday in the near future so we can browse the shelves with abandon.

#bybye2020 #don't call it a comeback #maybe a comeback

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tessatechaitea · 4 years

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Justice League International #8 (1987)

Is it weird that I have a newsstand copy of a comic book when I definitely was shopping at my local comic shop in 1987?

This cover has so many jokes to talk about that I probably won't have time to review the entire issue. My stomach is already sore for laughing so hard! Look at how the box marked "fragile" is about to fall onto the floor thanks to the carelessness of Blue Beetle and Booster Gold! Ha ha! And they're carrying the large box upside down! According to the label on the upside down box, it's going to Paris, France so it must contain Crimson Fox who is almost certainly swearing in French because have you ever tried to masturbate while upside down in a box being jiggled by two men?! The incompetence of those guys is hilarious! But the best joke is the one where the only woman on the team doesn't lift a finger to help and also can't make up her mind about the placement of a gigantic box that hasn't been opened yet! See how funny that is? Because who cares where the box is placed?! It's not like they're moving a desk or an end table and Black Canary is coming up with a floor plan! It's just a box that will need to be opened and then broken down and then thrown out! The other funny part is that yellow spray around Beetle's head and the shape of his mouth because I think it suggests he's about to call Black Canary a bitch! Ha ha! I probably left out the joke about the hernia although that one might just be implied. Also, it'll probably be a blatant joke later in the story. The issue begins with Jack Ryder on his right-wing radio call-in television "news" program fiasco of a show Hot Seat trying to get the masses to shit blood over the Justice League. It'll work because the masses in comic books (as well as the masses not in comic books because we've all seen how people who listen to and watch right-wing radio call-in television "news" programs easily believe the alternate reality fed to them because it speaks to their inherent biases and selfishness) are idiots. (That might be my favorite interruption by parenthetical reference I've ever written.) I also know that it will work because Glorious Godfrey only recently did the same thing a year or two ago and it worked. But comic books don't recognize time and space in the same way that we more logical and real readers do so the masses won't remember that they were fooled just a year ago by idiotic television pundits who don't mind seeing the world burn as long as they can cash a fat check over it. I doubly also know it will work because Millennium is coming up and I think that might be proof that maybe Jack Ryder was sort of right because aliens have infiltrated Earth and are pretending to be heroes and possibly even right-wing radio call-in television "news" hosts. I don't really remember much about Millennium except that it was weekly and there were Manhunters in it.

My favorite comic book characters when I was a kid were Blue Falcon and Dynomutt. I bet Jack Ryder was Sean Hannity's favorite. Tucker Carlson's favorite was probably Hitler.

This issue begins the long running joke that Martian Manhunter is addicted to Oreos. I fucking get it, man. Have you ever tried to melt an Oreo into a spoon, fill a needle with the liquid contents, and inject it straight into your bloodstream? Me neither because that's stupid, you dumb idiot. Why would you even suggest it? You need to inject them straight into your taste buds. J'onn, Mister Miracle, and Captain Atom are setting up the New York Embassy which leads to lots of jokes about shoddy construction and terrible wiring and lazy movers. At one point Captain Atom electrocutes himself and then destroys all of the wiring because he's the guy the United States wanted to represent them on the new international team. I'd say his penchant to escalate a situation straight to violence proves the United States made the right decision. Batman and Guy Gardner oversee the outfitting of the Russian Embassy with a little help from Rocket Manhunter #7.

Even Rocket Red has heard about Guy's serious brain trauma and yet nobody has even discussed getting him a medical check-up. What a bunch of bastards!

This is also the issue that begins the "Bwa-ha-ha-ha" gag (I think. Did it happen in an issue previously? Maybe?! Anyway, it really gets going here). That's the gag where somebody laughs when something terrible happens to somebody else. It's a great team building exercise, to laugh at a co-worker's pain! Or if it isn't, it, at the very least, helps develop personal morale. Nothing better than laughing at your manager after her credit card was stolen by a prospective new employee while the entire company was in a meeting, especially after learning that said card was pretty much just used at The Honey Baked Ham. Does that make if funnier? Or is this one of those dark humor things like when the same manager was super pissed at an employee I was training for not showing up for work the day before Thanksgiving only to learn later that she had died of carbon monoxide poisoning the previous night which caused her to erupt into crying jags for the rest of the day which I'm positive weren't for my poor co-worker but for her guilty feelings of being so angry at her. That's dark humor, right? The "Bwa-ha-ha-ha" gag begins when Booster tries to hit on a Parisian woman and gets shot down. Later, she winds up being the League's Paris Bureau Chief. And also maybe Crimson Fox?

This scene is well done in a book that often tries too hard for stupidly silly humor.

I'd say that these three pages (the scanned page being the third of the three) of interaction between Blue Beetle and Booster Gold is ground zero for what would become a great best friend relationship. Any interaction before this was just of the generic Blue Beetle making a stupid class clown comment to the group. But this foundational scene in Paris already feels like these two at their closest which, admittedly, is mostly Blue Beetle laughing at something dumb Booster Gold did. But I like to view this entire relationship through the lens of a Booster Gold mostly driven mad and insane from having to live through so many alternate timelines. Sure, the reader doesn't know about that aspect of Booster Gold yet (and won't for more than a decade). But I can't help but understand Booster Gold through that lens now. And his need for some kind of consistency and whimsy and, almost certainly, a need to be able to laugh at himself must be expressed through this relationship as a kind of therapy. In a universe where not even the timeline lacks consistency, Booster Gold finds solace in getting his balls busted by Blue Beetle.

Maybe I'm a dick who doesn't understand true friendship but this is totally what it looks like, right?

The issue ends with a Keith Giffen drawn story about the end of the Global Guardians, or at least the end of their United Nations backing. I'm sure it's a set-up for a future story but even if it were just a couple page story acknowledging the Global Guardians and how they're affected by a new United Nations backed team, it would remain an interesting moment. I don't need iron clad continuity in my comic book universe but I am entertained when writers acknowledge the waves their stories are making in that continuity. Plus it's drawn by Giffen which always makes it seem like I'm reading a story from the perspective of a madman. Justice League International #8 Rating: B+. How come when I publish a manifesto, people refer to it as a 'zine?! How do you get the fucking power to have your photo-copied screed with "art" considered a manifesto?! How many people do I have to rant at to get some Goddamned recognition?! "The Truth About Star Trek Transporters" is not a fucking fanzine, people! It's a manifesto of the alternate reality we're being asked to accept! The alternate reality of an alternate reality where people are being sent to their deaths every fucking mission only to be replaced by clones of themselves and nobody fucking cares! Probably because they're all clones of clones of clones and their ability to think rationally has diminished to the point of dogmatic stupidity! Am I the only one witnessing this while others simply think its some kind of retrograde perspective?! Does my antediluvian intellect subquester the means of proliferating the parallax of reality?! Does the inclusion of three hilarious dick jokes deny me the mantle of manifesto writer, oublietting my ego into an infinite mirror trick of endless zineian declarations?! Fuck this shit! And fuck that satellite that's been following me throughout this meandering conclusion!

#Justice League #Justice League International #Kevin Maguire #Keith Giffen #J.M. DeMatteis #DC #DC Comics

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camillemontespan · 4 years

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us & other stories [AU. TRR] [part one: drake & camille]

This is the first part of this series that I plan to write more of in the New Year. This will be the only series I will focus on now, as opposed to the hundreds I had going. Nice and simple, back to basics. I do love an AU.

*****************************************

The therapist sat settled against the plush velvet chair and crossed her legs. On her lap was a notebook and a dictaphone was set on the table in front of her. She studied her two subjects who looked anything but settled on the other side of the table.

'So, Drake, Camille,' the therapist started, speaking in a calm voice that dripped like honey. 'Why are you both here today?'

Camille's jaw set and her eyes glistened. She quickly turned to look away, not wanting to embarrass herself.

Drake exhaled and raised his hands in defeat. 'We want to be happy again,' he replied, his voice weary. 'All we want is to get back to how we were. How we used to be.'

The therapist nodded and made a note in her notepad. 'How long have you been married?'

'Seven years,' Drake said. The therapist eyed Camille who was looking studiously at the floor. Clearly, she wasn't the talker in this relationship.

'And what made you both decide to come here today?'

Camille looked up quickly, her brown eyes flashing. 'He decided,' she said bluntly.

Drake closed his eyes. He was obviously counting to ten. 'Camille..'

'No Drake!' Camille interrupted. 'I'm all for saving our marriage but couldn't we at least do this in private? As in, no therapy? Just us, alone, over a bottle of wine, talking it out? I don't want to air our dirty laundry to this.. This person! Why can't we just talk in private -'

'Because I've tried that a hundred times!' Drake burst out, whipping his body round to face his wife. 'I've tried so hard to get you to just talk to me but you're never there! You're always on your laptop checking work emails, or you're taking important phone calls at 11pm-'

'I'm sorry that I'm trying to provide for our family!' Camille shouted. 'I'm sorry I have a job that demands a lot of me! But I need to keep this family afloat-'

'I do that too!' Drake cried. 'I'm the one who stays home all day looking after the kids, I'm the one who gets them ready for school! I've taken being a fucking house husband as a second job, which normally I'd be fine with, except I don't get any thanks!'

Camille stared at him. 'I do thank you!'

'Hardly,' Drake said dryly. 'We barely talk anymore. In fact, this is the most we've spoken all fucking week-'

'Enough!' the therapist called out sharply, pressing her fingers on either side of her nose. The warring couple looked at her and kept their mouths shut.

The therapist sighed and leaned forward, adopting a pose that encouraged support and confidence.

'Clearly, you both need to talk,' she said, 'which is convenient since you are here. But this is only going to work if both of you are ready to talk to each other in front of me. It can't be one sided. Camille, do you want to work on your marriage?'

Camille nodded, deflated. 'I do. I really do. I've just.. Never been to therapy before.'

Drake smirked. 'Usually she's the one who is always talking about feelings and being open. Oh how the tables have turned.'

'Stop being a prick, Drake,' Camille bit back, clenching the edge of the table.

Drake shook his head. 'Hypocrite,' he murmured. 'You're happy to help out our friends with their problems but as soon as its you under the microscope -'

'I don't want to be here because it means I've failed you!' Camille burst out, tears spilling down her cheeks, unable to hold back her true feelings anymore. 'The fact that we couldn't even talk to each other and end up here, seeking professional help..' her voice became low. 'I've let you down.'

Drake swallowed. His face had turned pale. 'You.. You haven't failed me,' he whispered, his eyes now boring into hers. 'I didn't take you here today to make you feel like a failure. That wasn't my intention. I just want to talk to you. That's all.'

The therapist studied them before making a prompt decision. 'Sit closer together,' she instructed.

'Why?' Drake asked, wrenching his eyes away from his wife.

'Because if you are going to talk about your marriage, you need to know this is a safe space. That means you can talk to me and talk to each other. Sit close together and support each other. Ignore your anger and hurt. Sit close, hold hands if you need to, and just talk. This is a safe space.'

They both reluctantly moved their chairs and sat closer together. Camille warily placed her hand on the table, closer to Drake's side- he rested his hand on hers. The therapist noticed that Drake discreetly squeezed Camille's hand.

That was a good sign. Often, the couples she saw refused to even sit closer. The therapist found that some couples didn't want to share more space than was necessary. The fact that Drake and Camille had followed her instructions and Drake squeezed her hand showed that there was still love there. They still wanted each other.

'You are both so busy keeping your family life together that you have forgotten that you are both each others family,' the therapist said. 'You have to make time for each other-'

'We're so busy,' Camille said, her voice cracking. 'We don't have time.'

'You do,' the therapist told her softly. 'If this marriage is worth saving, you will make the time.'

Camille fell silent. A tear slid down her cheek. 'I want to make the time,' she whispered. 'I do.'

Drake looked at her now. His eyes were filled with anguish. 'The world isn't going to end because you missed an email or work call,' he murmured. 'But..' He looked like he was about to say something else but decided against it. It didn't matter, the unspoken words were what Camille heard. Her eyes filled with more tears and she squeezed Drake's hand.

'Let's talk,' she whispered. 'Please.'

**************************

The therapist learned that Drake and Camille Walker had been married for seven years and had two daughters. Lily was seven years old while Luna was two.

Camille worked as a partner at the prestigious law firm Pearl and Goldfinch, while Drake worked from home as a freelance graphic designer for a distillery company based in Brooklyn. He gave up working in the office as he wanted to be there to look after the kids while juggling his job. Their family situation was a modern and progressive one, but in the past six months it had become fractured and full of tension.

'I'm exhausted all the time,' Camille admitted. 'All I do is work and I barely see the girls as I get home late. I want to take reduced hours but I'm sorry, I don't mean to be arrogant Drake, but my paycheck is the one keeping us above water.'

Drake had understood and didn't argue. He knew the logistics. His job, as much as he loved it, didn't pay near enough to what he liked but it was flexible which was what mattered to him. It meant he could pick and choose his hours without sacrificing family life. Camille didn't have the same luxury.

'I feel like your job takes precedent over everything,' Drake told her. 'I get you want to support us and keep the family thriving, but I barely see you. We're like passing ships in the night.' His voice cracked. 'I miss you.'

The therapist noted the sadness on both their faces.

'When was the last time you had a date?' the therapist asked.

Camille and Drake blinked.

'Uh..' Drake mumbled. 'No idea.'

The therapist nodded. 'Thought so. Okay, this is going to be baby steps. But your homework after this session is to go on a date. A proper date. Don't talk about kids or work, just focus on each other and appreciate the moments. Reconnect.'

Camille nodded eagerly. 'Okay, Um, I'll block out a night -'

'What about right after this?' Drake asked Camille. 'The girls are being babysat by Bertrand. I'm sure he would understand.'

Camille smiled softly. 'Sure. Okay, let's do it.'

The therapist put down her notebook. 'Perfect but remember, baby steps here. Same time next week?'

***************************

Drake and Camille stepped out of the therapist's office building into the New York street. It was December and the air was biting cold, causing Camille to wrap her purple trench coat closer around herself. Drake studied her for a moment. He could see that her entire demeanour had changed in the past seven years.

The old Camille had been carefree, confident and easy to talk to. But something had changed in her and she had gradually become serious, anxious and prone to an argument. Drake just wanted her old self back. He missed the woman he fell in love with.

Not that Drake was perfect. He knew he had changed too.

'So, where do you want to go?' Camille asked, breaking the silence.

Drake thought to himself. 'Drink? Think we need alcohol after that hour under the microscope, heh.'

'Which bar do you want to go to?' she asked, scuffing her boot on the sidewalk.

'I imagine you'd like a fancy wine bar,' Drake said, without sarcasm, 'though a dive bar would be more my scene. But hey, it's ladies choice. You pick the wine bar and we'll get the best bottle there is.'

Camille stared at him for a long moment. Crossing her arms, she slowly wandered towards him until she was close enough for him to see the gold flecks in her brown eyes. He adored her eyes.

'Dive bar it is,' she whispered, taking his hand and leading him down the street.

Drake felt warm surprise. Surprise because she had chosen a dive bar, the type of date he used to take her on before they got married. Surprise because she was holding his hand. He couldn't remember the last time they had held hands but this felt nice.

*************************

They found a bar down the street called Black Fox. Drake told Camille to take a seat and he'd get the drinks in.

'What do you want?' he asked.

'Whiskey,' she replied.

Drake smirked and went over to the bar to order. Camille shrugged her coat off and delicately sat down at a high table, tucking her dark hair behind her ears in that anxious way she did. It was an anxious habit of hers and she hated herself when she did it.

She watched Drake at the bar. He was so tall, so broad. He commanded attention just from his stature alone. But he was also handsome, with dark hair, kind brown eyes and big hands that made her feel safe when they took her own. He smiled at the bartender, that lazy smile Drake had that Camille loved. She felt a tug on her heart. 'Be normal,' she whispered to herself. 'Don't fuck this up.'

She was secretly glad Drake had taken her to therapy today. Sure, he had sprung it on her as a surprise this morning which she had been furious about, but in the end, she was glad. She had been feeling low about their relationship for some time but had been too scared to mention anything. Too scared in case Drake turned to her and said, 'You're right, we're failing, let's get a divorce.'

She could see now that she had been overthinking it. Camille did a lot of overthinking these days.

Drake came back to the table with two glasses and a bottle. 'Thought I'd push the boat out,' he joked, setting the glasses down. He sat on the high chair opposite her and gave her a wobbly smile. Camille suddenly reached out to rest her hand on his cheek, her heart wrenching at the wobbly smile.

Drake's breath caught as his eyes roamed her face. 'You.. You okay?' he asked.

Camille nodded. 'I will be.'

****************************

Dive bars had been their thing at the start of their relationship.

Drake hated fancy restaurants with starched white table cloths and hard to pronounce dishes. He preferred bars with low lighting, smoke and dark corners where he could sit and be alone.

He had taken Camille to bars at the beginning of their relationship which he could see now wasn't the most romantic. A woman like Camille deserved better, he thought in hindsight. But she had been so easy going and told him she wasn't keen on fancy places either. She just wanted to get to know him without frills.

They had shared many bottles of whiskey over the years. Drake felt it only appropriate to share a bottle now.

'I'm sorry things got heavy in there,' Camille told him, pouring a double measure for Drake then for herself. 'I let my emotions get carried away.'

Drake smiled. 'You've always been the emotional one. I'm used to it.'

'I just felt like a terrible wife,' Camille said. 'And mother actually. Have things gotten so bad that we need a professional to help us?' she broke off and looked down at the table.

Drake reached out to take her hand. 'It's not so bad that it can't be salvaged,' he whispered. 'I love you.'

Camille nodded mutely. She was chewing the inside of her cheek, trying not to cry.

'Let's have a drink,' Drake said, raising his glass. Camille mimicked him and they clinked their glasses together.

'I love you too,' Camille murmured. 'I really do.'

Drake squeezed her hand. 'Then we're halfway there.'

***********************

Words tumbled out over the next two hours. Words of hurt, of frustration, of love.

'I guess I stopped being me after we had Lily,' Camille admitted. 'I'm not blaming her of course not. But I became so wrapped up in being a mom and wanting to give her the best life possible. I thought to do that would mean extra hours at work so my boss would recognise me and I'd be rewarded with pay rises and promotions. A pay rise so I could send her to the best school and make sure she never went without. I didn't want to give her the same childhood I had. It only got more full on after we had Luna.'

Drake nodded. He knew that Camille loved fiercely. She didn't want to repeat her parents mistakes.

'But I lost sight of everything else,' Camille continued. 'I began to work too much, put pressure on myself. I let my marriage become grey and cracked.'

Drake swigged his whiskey before he interrupted her. 'Camille, don't take all the blame for this,' he said, his voice steady. 'I'm at fault too.'

'No, you're like the perfect dad and husband,' Camille muttered, sipping her drink.

'No,' Drake replied bluntly. 'I put added pressure on you. When you came home late, exhausted after a long day, I would get at you. I'd complain I never saw you. I wouldn't ask how your day was because you being away made me resentful. Not because I think you should be at home like a good little wife but because all your time was dedicated to other people. I wanted a slice of that. But you were trying to keep this family afloat, as you said to the therapist. You were working hard for us. I just was too selfish to see it.'

Camille nodded slowly. 'Neither of us have been so good, have we?' she joked half heartedly, giving Drake a wry smile.

'No. We're meant to be a team at the end of the day,' Drake agreed. 'We both let our sides down.'

Camille exhaled and tossed back her whiskey. 'Can we get back together? As we were?'

'I want to,' Drake said. 'We've just got to put the work in. Be ourselves again. Drake and Camille.'

Camille smiled. 'You've become so in tune with your emotions,' she said. 'When we met, you were so closed off. Now you're the one saying we need to talk, see therapists..'

Drake smirked. 'I learned from you.'

Camille giggled. 'When did we switch places?!'

Drake grinned and poured another two glasses of whiskey. 'I know right?'

Camille raised her glass and fixed her eyes on his. 'To moments in between.'

Drake blushed, remembering the old toasts they used to do. Moments in between. Those moments in life that were to be appreciated and remembered fondly. Moments like stolen kisses, declarations of love, freshly brewed coffee in the morning with the love of your life. Cuddles with Lily. Playing with Luna. Making love with Camille. Moments in between.

Drake smiled and clinked his glass against hers.

**************************

They stumbled out of the door after finishing the whiskey. Their vision was blurred and minds were hazy but damn it, they were having a good time.

After their serious talk, they had found themselves gradually joking and flirting over the bottle of whiskey. The alcohol had loosened their inhibitions and made them more cosy, more social.

Now, stepping out of the bar, the cold air hit them and Camille shivered. Drake smiled and gently brought her into him, wrapping his arms around her. 'There, there,' he said, patting her head. 'There, there.'

Camille dissolved into giggles. 'Thanks DAD.'

Drake chucked and held her tightly. He inhaled the scent of her hair - always coconut - and appreciated this cosy moment.

'I'm kinda hungry..' Camille said, her voice muffled against Drake's coat.

'Same,' he replied. 'What do you want?'

Camille wrinkled her nose, deep in thought, and Drake was struck by how much she reminded him of Lily. Their oldest daughter adopted that expression when she concentrated too.

'I want.. a cronut,' Camille decided, swaying. 'All the cronuts.'

Drake took her hand. 'Let's search for cronuts!'

**********************

They wandered to Central Park. The trees were decorated with fairylights that were starting to glow against the twilight sky. The ice rink that dominated Central Park at this time of year was full of people, all laughing and screaming as they either skated well or fell down. The smell of hot chocolate, cinnamon and cloves mixed together.

Camille pointed to a food stand. 'I see cronuts.'

Drake led her towards the food stand. 'Two cronuts please, good sir!' he said to the vendor.

Camille snuggled into Drake as they waited for the cronuts. She looked up at him when he wasn't paying attention to her and she felt warm. How had she forgotten him? How had she neglected their relationship? He was a good man. He made her happy. Happiness was more important than money and targets.

Drake handed her a cronut. She took it gratefully and they found a bench to sit down on and watch the ice skaters.

'This is nice,' Camille said.

'Meh, smores are better,' Drake replied, shrugging.

Camille grinned. 'I meant this. Us. Cronuts are just a bonus.'

Their eyes met and stayed on each other for a long moment. Drake looked away first, taking a bite out of his cronut.

They ate in comfortable silence as they watched the ice skaters. When they finished, Drake took Camille's hand and guided her down the path to the ice rink.

'Uhh Drake..'

He gave her a wink. 'Ready to show them how it's done?'

Camille stared at him. 'But.. We've been drinking!' she hissed. 'This has disaster written all over it!'

Drake frowned. 'Like what?'

'Like we fall over! Or I fall and someone skates over my finger! Or we fall into people! Or things become all blurry! Or-'

Drake sighed and placed his hands on her shoulders. 'Camille,' he said firmly. 'Live a little. Come on, you would've done this years ago without overthinking. Why do you overthink so much?'

Camille bit her lip. 'I don't know.. I just worry more now, I guess. I worry about everything. Little and big things.'

Drake leaned down to press a kiss on her forehead. 'I got you.'

Camille looked out at the ice rink. Everyone looked happy. She wanted to be happy. She wanted Drake to be happy.

'Let's do it,' she decided. Drake grinned and they rushed to the booth to rent skates.

****************************

Drake held Camille's hand as they skated around the rink. They hadn't skated since they visited Vienna a few years ago with their friends. This was better. It was just the two of them.

Sure, their tipsyness from the whiskey wasn't helping their skating ability but who cared? Drake twirled Camille around and she threw back her head as she laughed, that throaty laugh she did that Drake loved.

'Ahh fuck Drake, I'm falling!' she squealed, losing balance as the twirling became too flamboyant.

Drake grabbed her and held her tightly to him. 'I got you, kid,' he said.

Camille flashed him a warm smile and they continued to skate in circles around, dodging kids that were skating fast.

They skated to the edge and rested for a while, looking up at the skyscrapers and fairylights that lit New York. Camille looked over at Drake who's cheeks were pink from the cold. His scarf was pulled up tightly around his neck.

Camille hesitantly moved closer. Drake looked down at her and smiled softly. Feeling brave, Camille leaned up and kissed him.

It was a deep kiss. A kiss that said so much that she had left unsaid. To Drake, it was familiar and cosy. They hadn't kissed like this in.. weeks. Weeks and weeks.

Drake's hands pulled her in closer before they raked through her hair. Camille moaned against his lips. He tasted of whiskey and cronut.

They slowly pulled apart, their cheeks flushed now from something else. Drake gently tucked a lock of Camille's hair behind her ear, his eyes locked on hers.

'I'm sorry I dragged you to therapy,' he murmured. 'I just wanted to talk.'

Camille smiled wobbly and wrapped her arms around his neck. 'Let's keep talking.'

******************

The following week, the therapist listened as Drake and Camille talked honestly about their feelings. They didn't raise their voices and they didn't interrupt each other. It was a good conversation, flowing easily. They held hands the whole time.

'Are you spending more time together?' the therapist asked.

Camille nodded. 'We have decided to have a date night every week. And I've blocked out three nights a week in my diary so I can leave work early. I want to see the kids for dinner and read bedtime stories. No work phone after 5.30pm.

The therapist made some more notes. 'Anything else?'

Drake leaned forward. 'I’m going to be more supportive and try and be there for us as a couple. But we want to continue therapy. There's still a lot to unpack but I think we can get there.'

The therapist looked up and smiled warmly.

'Mr and Mrs Walker, I have absolute faith in you. So, same time next week?'

#trr fanfic #drake walker #drake walker x mc

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