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#things i should say in therapy instead of on tumblr
macrocosmus · 8 months
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no words make me more upset than "you live in america, speak english." my great-grandparents were forced to assimilate and now a century later the same bullshit keeps getting pushed on folks... i felt so much joy in high school when all the asian kids across different cultures realized they all never spoke english that much at home, so they didn't need to speak english with their friends either. i feel so much joy when im just out at the grocery store and hear so many different dialects and languages, it's mostly spanish i think, and that's just good. and now im jealous. i wasn't born to be monolingual. im mourning something that was taken from me decades before i was even born. im supposed to know italian, i was supposed to be at least bilingual, and now im stuck monolingual throwing myself at language learning resources as an adult, desperate to try to wrap my brain around something that should have been there since before i spoke my first words. and its a slim chance i'll actually be able to walk along side someone and have a conversation in anything other than english, at least for a long time, because its not just knowing another language that i need, its speaking it, not as an exercise, but in mundanity.
i wasnt supposed to be monolingual, and now im struggling to fix that as an adult
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nthflower · 1 year
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Tumblr is always like social norms are evil and stupid and hurt people that doesn't fit in (which is extremely true and I say this all the time too)
But the moment someone do something here stupid everybody is like turn into hive mind and bully them.(not racism or bigoted stuff like terfs idk I am talking about just weird things)
Like people preach be yourself, current social norms are fucked up then mock you for not following Tumblr culture or whatever.
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trans-estinien · 2 years
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Sometimes I feel like doing this with my brain
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#its 12 am and i should probably sleep instead of rambling but#man. its rough having your fav blorbo be a fucking terrible person#cause on one hand you have the villain woobifiers and people who just completely ignore major aspects of a character for a fucking ship#and on the other hand you have people who hate you for enjoying a character. and thinking said character is interesting#and yeah yeah i know not everyone will like me and i should just ignore it and keep on doing what i enjoy but. ugh.#and im also constantly worried that ill fuck up and become a villain woobifier myself#and im also constantly worried that when im writing my cannon blorbos ill fuck up and write something super ooc and people will get mad.#i think fandom was a mistake#but i also wouldn'tve met the besties without fandom so? you know. everything's got two sides#this is such a stupid thing to get all upset over but.#unfortunately i am a horrible man enjoyer this has been consistent my entire life.#and people usually dislike people who like your typical tumblr sexyman type character. which is fair most fans are insufferable#veils if you read this far this isnt abt you it's abt someone else. dont want to like start shit so i wont say names#but i saw. a vauge post from someone i thought was cool and i just. i knew it was directed towards the tags i left on their post#and i felt bad so now im having big anxiety over it. its really stupid i know#i am just going to retreat to my corner and hope to creation that im left alone. im just playing dress up with the blorbos#and like. they're entirely allowed to have their opinion im just. brain is convinced everyone hates me now for no fucking reason.#i gotta. work on this but idk how. therapy fucking failed cause i forgot about it 💀#but. i should sleep. its past 9pm so my brain is not to be trusted.#ok fuck it ill just say it i feel guilty that Emet-Selch is not only my favorite character but also my comfort character.#im not going to stop liking him because that wouldn't be fun. plus others opinions dont really matter i can like whatever characters i want
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Spring Fling
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(gif by @pedropascalsx. I've given up using Tumblr gif search)
Pairing: Marcus Pike x virgin f!Reader
Rating: E (explicit smut, 18+ only)
Word Count: 19,228. Oops.
Warnings: Significant age gap (almost 20 years), college-age reader, sexual tension, mentions of: strained familial relationships, divorce, unhealthy breakups, stalker(ish) behavior (PAST), therapy. Virgin/inexperienced reader, fingering, oral sex (f! receiving), unprotected PIV sex and a lot of it, comeplay if you squint, Marcus’s filthy filthy mouth, happy ending
Summary: When you and your friend, fellow pre-Law student Emma, plan to go to Washington DC for spring break instead of the typical beach destination, she makes plans for the two of you to stay with her estranged father for the week to save money on lodging. You never expected Emma’s father, a man she says she’s barely seen throughout the years, to be so sweet, so troubled, and so unfairly pretty. Neither did you expect for what you'd thought was a one-sided attraction to turn into a spring fling... or maybe something more.
A/N: I got an ask asking about 'Best Friend's Dad' Marcus Pike, so I now post a question to you, dear reader: What if Marcus Pike had a college-age kid from his first marriage, one that he'd entered into at a very young age because of an unplanned pregnancy? Anyway to find out the answer read this almost 20k fic LOL
Masterlist
"We should go somewhere for spring break."
Your friend and fellow pre-Law student at the University of Texas, Emma, laughs. "Go somewhere? Like what, the fucking beach? And with what money?"
"No, no beaches. Somewhere cool. Somewhere unusual."
"Like what?" Emma asks, shoving another handful of chips in her mouth.
"I've never been to Washington, DC," you comment thoughtfully.
"I thought every public school in the entire country went to DC at some point," Emma remarks. 
"I had the chickenpox."
"Ew."
"Do you think that would be fun? Going to the Capitol for break?" you ask.
"I guess," Emma shrugs. "It's better than going to writhe on the beach with fifty thousand wasted twentysomethings."
"There's still the issue of how to pay for a trip. For any trip. I think I could cover airfare, but a DC hotel? Ugh," you say with a groan. 
"I could put the hotel on my credit card and work a bunch of extra shifts at Pizza Express afterward to make up for it," Emma says. "But that would pretty much max out my card."
"I can look up the cheapest spots outside the city," you suggest. "And we can take the metro in."
"Outside the city isn't going to be much better," Emma remarks. "We could… nah."
You look up, curious. "We could… what?"
"Well, my uh, my dad actually lives in DC."
"Your dad?" you repeat incredulously. "You've literally never mentioned your dad. I thought he and your mom were estranged?"
"Sorta," Emma says. "The official story is that they married too young and eventually separated."
"...And the unofficial story?"
"My mom found out she was pregnant at nineteen, and my dad wanted to do the right thing, so he married her. But I guess they weren't right for each other, because they were already divorced by the time I was two."
"Do you see him much?" you ask.
"I used to," Emma says quietly. "But my mom was never really enthusiastic about spending much time together, so it wasn’t very often. And then he moved to DC when I was a junior in high school, and I haven't seen him since. He always sends me cards on my birthday and Christmas, though. And…" she suddenly blushes, looking down and away.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"What, Em?"
"He pays for my tuition."
"What?!"
"Yeah, I've barely had to take out any loans. It's just for housing and stuff."
"You ass, you never told me that!"
"It's not common knowledge," Emma mumbles. "Besides, no one wants to admit they've got an absent, divorced father paying the bills."
"But you'd want to contact him for this? For a place to crash over spring break for a week?"
"He's nice," Emma says quietly. "I always got the feeling that he wanted to do his best by us."
"I mean, if you're cool with it, it kinda sounds fun," you admit. "Better than Galveston, anyway."
Emma laughs. "Yeah, way better than Galveston."
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"Holy shit, Em, you can see the Capitol from here." 
The two of you had emerged from the underground tunnel of the metro station, trailing suitcases behind you, into what feels like the middle of the city itself. The busy street is flanked with large condominiums on both sides, with--unbelievably--a view of the Capitol building in the distance.
"I think it's this one," Emma says, squinting at the address on her phone and back up at one of the buildings. 
"How do we get in?" you ask. 
"He just said to text him," Emma answers. "Hang on." She taps out a message on her phone before sliding it back into her pocket. "And now we wait."
You barely have time to check your email before the front door opens and a man emerges, striding quickly toward the two of you. You think he's about to envelop your friend into a crushing hug, but he stops short, eyes wavering with uncertainty as he looks his daughter up and down. His hand reaches toward her arm, but he hesitates just short of touching.
"Emma," the man breathes, the emotion evident in his voice making you want to duck your head and turn away from the scene. 
"Hey, uh, Dad," Emma says, giving him a sheepish smile. "Been a while."
"It's been six years," the man says emphatically. 
"Yeah."
You watch as Emma's father's fingers twitch toward her. "C-Can I–" 
Emma shrugs. "'Course."
The man carefully steps forward and wraps his arms around her, pulling her to his chest. His eyes close, his eyebrows pull upward to reveal a deep crease in between them as he holds his daughter for apparently the first time in six years. This time, you do look away from what feels like surprisingly tender and private moment. 
"I'm sorry I wasn't there for your graduation," you hear him say softly. "I was undercover for a case, and… Anyway, it doesn't matter. I'm sorry. You don't know how badly I wanted to be there."
"S'okay," Emma says cooly. She steps back, and, for the first time, her father seems to notice you. 
"Hi," he says brightly, and his pained, heartfelt expression melts into an easy smile as he extends his hand to you. "Marcus." 
You don't know what you had been expecting. Maybe someone older. Maybe someone less… attractive. Not this frankly gorgeous man, with his boyish smile, pretty eyes that crinkle around the edges, slightly mussed brown hair that falls over his forehead, and the light smattering of facial hair that only seems to soften his features further. Not that he needed any help, in that respect. Slightly stunned, you step forward and take the man’s hand, trying not to trip over the syllables of your own name.
Marcus’s smile widens, and he repeats your name, which does nothing to quell the sudden burst of butterflies in your stomach–and are your palms sweating?
"Thank you for allowing us to stay for the week," you say politely, forcing yourself out of the trance.
"Not a problem," Marcus answers. "What a great destination for spring break! Whose idea was that?"
"Mine," you say with a little laugh. 
"My kind of girl," Marcus jokes. "Keeping my daughter out of trouble."
"Dad," Emma groans. "I'm not a kid."
"Well, last time I saw you, you were fifteen," Marcus says pointedly. "You're gonna have to let my brain do a little catch-up, here."
"Well, to start with, I'm not a beach party kind of person," Emma says. "I'm a nerd–y'know, being pre-Law and all."
Emma's father beams. "So I've heard. Well, I'm happy to host two nerds while they do a little sightseeing in the nation's Capitol. I can even," he adds with a conspiratorial smile, "give you a tour of the J. Edgar Hoover building. If–If you want," he finishes awkwardly, appearing hesitant and unsure again.
"Oh, cool!" you exclaim automatically, without thinking.
Marcus grins widely at your enthusiasm, and you find yourself staring at your shoes, biting your lip as you flounder under his attention. You're being weird. Stop it. 
"Y-Yeah," Emma adds, nodding hesitantly. "That would be nice... Dad. Thanks."
“C’mon,” Marcus says, grabbing both Emma’s bag and, before you can protest, yours. “Come on up. I ordered some pizza for everyone. You can get settled tonight and… go do whatever you two want to do in the morning.”
The two of you follow Marcus through the lobby and into the elevator. You can’t help but keep stealing little glances at him–the way his shoulders fill out the maroon henley he’s wearing over jeans, the way those shoulders taper down to narrow hips, the way he’s got the top two buttons of his shirt casually undone, showing you a hint of collarbone that has you damn-near salivating. Snap out of it. Oh, God, snap out of it. You’ve known the man for five minutes, and you feel like you’re losing your mind. It’s gonna be a long week if you don’t pull it together. 
Marcus opens the front door and gestures the two of you in before him. You stand awkwardly in the living room, looking around at the furniture and at the decor on the walls, looking anywhere but at your best friend’s dad, whose very presence seems to fluster you beyond all reason.
“I just have one spare room, hopefully you two don’t mind sharing…?” Marcus asks.
“That’s fine,” Emma says good-naturedly. 
“It’s just through here,” he says, walking past you. “I’ll set your bags down in there and show you around.”
The room is clearly his workspace–there’s a desk and a chair shoved into a corner to make room for a comfortable-looking guest bed. The side wall is covered with floor-to-ceiling bookshelves, and you subconsciously step toward them, eager to see what titles this man keeps on his shelves.
“Sorry, it’s kind of an… all-purpose room,” Marcus says sheepishly. “Bit cluttered.”
“I like it,” you murmur absentmindedly, still scanning the spines.
“‘Gardner’s Art Through the Ages’” Emma reads, crinkling her nose. “How many editions of this book do you have?”
Her father laughs. “It’s work stuff, mostly. Although there’s a few thrillers here and there. And some classics.” He approaches the shelves as well, and you can feel the hair on the back of your neck start to stand up on end at the sensation of his body hovering just behind you. You’re so… aware of him. You don’t know if it’s because Marcus seems to naturally command every space he’s in or if there’s something electric that’s pulling you toward him, but either way, your entire body feels as though it’s on high alert.
A sharp buzzing makes you jump comically, making Emma snort.
“That’ll be the pizza,” Marcus announces. “Be right back.”
You glance over at Emma, who is still staring disinterestedly at the bookshelves. “It’s a nice place,” you say conversationally. 
“Mmmhm.”
“You okay?” you ask softly.
“Oh, yeah,” Emma scoffs, waving her hand. “Just been a while. It’s weird. You know.”
“He seems nice,” you say.
“He is,” she remarks. “I told you he was. I just… don’t know him very well. Like he said, I haven’t seen him in six years.”
“Maybe this will be good, then,” you suggest. “Get to know him now that you’re an adult and all that.”
Emma shrugs. “Maybe.”
You look back at the shelves. Emma was right; Marcus does have an alarmingly large number of editions of Art Through the Ages. You furrow your brow.
“What does your dad do in DC?”
“Oh, did I not tell you? He’s in the FBI.”
You feel as though you’ve swallowed your tongue, but before you can garble out a response–something like, “Mmmgnnbbllgffnhh?”–you hear Marcus coming back.
“Get it while it’s hot!” he says cheerfully. “You guys must be hungry after traveling all day.”
“Oh wow, Dad, that’s… a lot of pizza for three people,” Emma says, her eyebrows raising in surprise and confusion.
She’s right–there are five boxes sitting on the small kitchen island, along with several options of drink.
“I had no idea what either of you liked,” Marcus reasoned. “So I got a few different options. Cheese, pepperoni, supreme, hawaiian, and some kind of vegan thing, just in case.”
“You know, you could have just texted,” Emma remarks, at the same time that you whisper, “Thank you.”
Marcus looks sheepish. “Wanted to surprise you. Anyway, dig in–there’s obviously a lot.” He laughs quietly to himself, grabbing three plates and setting them down on the counter. You grab three different kinds–supreme, hawaiian, and the vegan option, out of curiosity–and sit on one of the barstools opposite Marcus. Emma grabs two cheeses and sits down next to you.
“So,” he says after a few minutes of surprisingly companionable silence. “I know Emma is pre-Law. Are you pre-Law too?” he asks, looking at you with a friendly, curious smile. 
“Mmmhmm,” you nod, tight-lipped. You hate this conversation–the college-age version of ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ Everyone asks the question with good intent, but it always leaves you in an anxiety spiral, an existential crisis, because no matter how many times you’re asked, you have absofuckinglutely no idea. 
“What kind of law do you want to go into?” This question is addressed more to Emma, who immediately launches into an explanation of Environmental Law and the impact of climate change on public health. Marcus nods eagerly, giving Emma his full attention as she talks, watching her with a small smile. 
“What about you?” he asks when she’s done, turning to you.
You gulp. 
“I don’t—I don’t really know. Not yet, anyways.” You brace yourself for the judgmental eyebrow raise, the well-meaning advice.
“That’s okay,” Marcus says, smiling. “No one says you have to have it figured out at… how old are you?”
“T-Twenty,” you mumble, feeling more naive and inexperienced than you ever have before.
“Nah,” Marcus says, shaking his head playfully. “No one has it figured out at twenty. And the people who think they do? They change.”
His eyes go far away for a split-second, and you wonder what he must have been like at twenty. Did he already have Emma at that point? Did he just find out that his girlfriend was pregnant? Was he panicking, trying to figure out how to make things work? You wonder what it was that he had wanted to do, and what he had sacrificed for Emma and her mom. You wonder if he had wanted the divorce, or if she had been the one to suggest it.
“Anyway,” Marcus says, casually waving a slice of pepperoni as he talks, “I mostly work with criminal lawyers. If that’s something you’re interested in, I could arrange a chat with someone this week.”
“Oh,” you say, too stunned to say anything else. “Yeah, maybe.”
Marcus shrugs good-naturedly. “Think about it,” he says, giving you another crooked grin. His eyes crinkle around the edges when he smiles, and it makes your stomach do somersaults. 
“Yeah,” you say again, a little breathlessly. Your next bite of pizza misses your mouth entirely, and you manage to stab yourself in the cheek with your slice, transferring a glob of tomato sauce onto your face in the process.
Emma laughs, and Marcus’s eyes glitter with amusement as you frantically reach for a napkin. 
“So you do, um… FBI stuff?” you ask him clumsily, trying to break the silence.
“Yep. FBI Stuff. Says it on my badge and everything.”
“Why do you have a bunch of art books?”
“I lead an international task force dealing with art crimes,” he answers patiently. 
“What constitutes an art crime?” Emma asks, her mouth full.
“Theft,” Marcus lists, “forgeries, black market sales, dealing in antiquities, looting of archaeological sites…”
“Oh, wow,” you breathe, a dopey smile on your face. Emma shoots you a funny look.
“So it’s like, nerdy FBI stuff,” she says.
“The nerdiest,” Marcus agrees, smiling.
“Do you still have a gun and stuff?”
“I do,” Marcus says carefully, frowning slightly. “It’s in the safe for the week, though, while you’re here.”
Your stomach flip-flops at the mental image of Emma’s dad holding a gun, those warm brown eyes dark with focus as he stares down… an art thief. Or something. 
“Enough about your old man,” he says with a self-deprecating chuckle. “What are you two looking to do tomorrow on your first day in DC?”
“Think we’ll hit the museums,” Emma says. “Get them out of the way first. We want to see the Library of Congress, obviously. Plus walking around to all the monuments and stuff. Oh, and the zoo!”
“Do you want my advice?” Marcus asks, and you both nod. “It’s supposed to be unseasonably warm tomorrow, and sunny. I’d do the monument tour or the zoo tomorrow if I were you. Save the indoor stuff for the end of the week, because it’s supposed to rain.”
“Monuments it is!” Emma exclaims. “Hey, can I… can I use your shower? I feel kinda gross from the travel day.”
“Absolutely.” Marcus hops up, leading Emma over to the guest bathroom. You listen as he points out a stack of towels intended for the two of you during your stay, the extra shampoo he’d bought, the spare toothbrushes just in case… Eventually he returns, hands stuffed in his pockets, looking hesitant again.
“Thank you,” you say again. “You went through a lot of trouble, and–”
“It’s no trouble,” Marcus says quickly. “No trouble at all. I–I have to admit I was surprised when Em–when she called, but I’m–I’m more than happy to host you two for the week. It’s no trouble at all,” he repeats.
“Okay,” you say dumbly. You’re staring again, unable to help the way your eyes are drawn to the way his arms fill out the shirt he's wearing when his hands are in his pockets like that. 
"You alright?" 
Your eyes flit up to his at the question. He's looking back at you, his head cocked to the side as he watches you. And suddenly, you can just tell–you can tell that he knows how flustered you are in front of him. 
You nod rapidly up and down in response, not trusting yourself to answer.  
"Good. Had enough pizza?"
"Mmhmm."
"Anything else to drink?" he asks. 
"Got any beer?" you ask with a quirk of your eyebrow.
"You told me you were twenty," Marcus reminds you. 
"Oh."
"And I work for law enforcement," he says gravely. 
Oh. 
"Oh, f-fuck, I um… I was kidding. Holy shit. I'm sorry. Seriously, I'm not a-a bad… student, or anything. I swear, I–"
As you continue to frantically backtrack, you realize that Marcus’s shoulders are shaking with laughter. 
"Oh, you're funny. Real funny. Ha. Ha."
"Next you'll be saying I should quit my day job," he says, his eyes sparkling. 
"I'm not sure what kind of art… crime… solver… you are, but I have to believe you're a better agent than you are a comedian," you deadpan. 
"You can come to my stand-up show on Tuesday and see for yourself."
Your jaw drops before you realize Marcus's lips are quivering with the effort of keeping a straight face. 
"You're on fire, tonight," you say, rolling your eyes. 
"You'll have to forgive me," he says, a gentle, more wistful smile gracing his lips. "I don't have company often, and it's been even longer since I've seen–" his eyes flick to the bathroom door, and he looks troubled for a moment. 
"Strictly off the record, if you do want a beer, I happen to have some," he says, changing the subject and smiling back at you again. 
"Nah, I'll save that favor for later in the week," you tell him.
"Noted," Marcus replies. He's looking at you again, still. He seems to be one of those people who gives all of his focus to someone when they speak, and the attention is starting to overwhelm you. 
"Hey!" Emma calls from the guest bedroom. "I wanna get started early tomorrow. Those monuments aren't gonna monument themselves."
You laugh and roll your eyes. "That's my cue," you say with a little smile. "Gonna grab a shower myself and call it a night."
"If you need anything, I'm a room away," Marcus says, but it only serves to remind you that this man will be sleeping in the next room.
"Got it," you say, nodding thickly. "Um, good night."
"Good night," he answers softly. 
When you reach the bathroom door, you turn around again–you can't help yourself. 
He's still looking at you. 
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"Get up!
"Get up!"
"GET–"
"Okay!" you whine, throwing an extra pillow in the general direction of Emma's voice. "Fuck. I'm up."
You throw on a pair of jeans and a faded tee, scrubbing your hands over your face as you stumble out of the guest room and into the kitchen, where Marcus hands you a cup of coffee, which you accept with a grunt.
"Emma warned me that you weren't a morning person," he says. 
"God, it's both of you, isn't it?" you grumble. "Morning people."
"I guess we turned out alike after all," Marcus says with a soft smile, watching as you take a grateful sip from the mug. "What's the first stop on the list?"
"I dunno, she's got it all planned out," you murmur. "Of like, seeing the farthest place first and working our way back."
"Sounds like a plan," Marcus says. "You two have fun."
"What are you doing today?" Emma interjects, coming into the kitchen, grabbing a bagel off of the counter, and stuffing it into her mouth. 
"Well, it's Sunday, so… grocery shopping," Marcus says. "Any special requests?"
"Filet mignon," Emma says. 
"You got it. Want some lobster tails as well?"
"Mmhmm."
"I was thinking more along the lines of spaghetti and meatballs. Anything else you ladies would like?"
Emma shuffles her feet, and you frown slightly. You've never known her not to immediately say what's on her mind–and clearly, something is. 
"What is it, Emmie?" Marcus asks softly.
"Do you remember that one time that we came to your family's for Christmas–I think I was maybe twelve?–and you made…"
"...Tamales?" Marcus asks, his eyebrows shooting upward. 
"Yeah," Emma answers, her voice smaller than you've ever heard it. "I still remember those. They were really good."
"Jesus, I haven't made those in…" he shakes his head. "I don't even know. But uh, sure. We can do that. Tamale night. It's a deal."
"Thanks," Emma says, smiling. "And… really? 'Emmie?' Dad, I'm not seven anymore."
"My mistake," Marcus says with a playful wink in your direction–which might make your heart stop. "You girls stay safe. Text if you need anything."
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Marcus was right–the weather is beautiful today. It’s perfect for walking endlessly from monument to monument, which you do all morning. You try to stay focused–thoughtfully reading the names on the Vietnam War Memorial and not thinking about Emma’s dad, in the plain white t-shirt he had been wearing this morning, in the produce section picking out apples. Even worse, you try not to imagine the sight of him cooking tonight.
He’s becoming a bit of an obsession for you, you can admit it. You want to know everything about him–what his job is like, what he does on the weekends, what he likes to read, what he did in the past to alienate the mother of his child enough that he’s barely seen his daughter–who he very clearly cares deeply for…
As you walk around the Washington Monument, you can’t stand it any longer. 
“Sooooo. It seems like things are going well between you and your dad,” you say conversationally.
“How do you mean?” 
“Less awkward, I guess.”
“It’s not that we don’t get along,” Emma says with a shrug. “We always used to. Like I said, I always thought he was nice. My mom…” 
“She didn’t like him?”
“She didn’t want to be around him. I don’t know why. They tried to protect me from the messy parts of divorce, but part of that means that I have no idea what their history is. She never talked about it. Neither did he.”
“Huh.” You stare in silence at the large white obelisk. “I wonder what happened.”
“I thought about asking my mom,” Emma says. “Lots of times, but I never got up the courage.”
“You should ask him,” you say quietly. “I get the feeling he needs to tell the story.”
Emma gives you a funny look. “That’s a weird thing to say.”
You shrug. “I’m weird.”
“Fair.”
The two of you walk until it feels as though your feet are going to fall off. 
“My feet are going to fall off,” you announce. “Surely there are no more monuments in the entirety of Washington, DC.”
“We’ve still got the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier.”
“Uggghhhh, how important can he be? He’s unknown.”
“This was your idea,” Emma points out. “Go to DC for spring break! Stay with my best friend’s estranged dad! Walk around and see all the monuments and shit!”
“Too many steps,” you groan. “They should all be concentrated in one square mile of land.”
“One more,” Emma promises. “And then spaghetti.”
“And laying on the couch watching TV,” you counter.
“And laying on the couch watching TV,” Emma agrees. “...And tomorrow we go to the zoo.”
“No!”
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Marcus chuckles as you stumble into his condo just after six. You immediately collapse onto the couch with an exaggerated groan.
“I’m staying right here for the rest of the week,” you announce.
“It’s been one day,” Marcus points out. 
“My phone’s step counter measures over thirty thousand steps,” you mumble. “I’m done.”
“That’s a lot,” Marcus concedes. “Hopefully that means the two of you are hungry this evening.”
“Fucking starving,” Emma agrees, crashing onto the couch herself and nearly colliding with you as she does so. 
“Well, since everyone is so tired,” Marcus says, the playfulness evident in his voice, “I’ll make spaghetti and meatballs tonight. Tamales are a group effort, so you two better be ready to work for your food.”
“I shall endeavor to do so,” Emma remarks with an exaggerated accent, causing you to laugh giddily. 
While Emma’s eyes are closed, you take advantage, watching Marcus–still with that same fitted white shirt–in the kitchen, boiling water, heating the sauce, and adding the meatballs. He must sense your gaze, because he turns, a characteristic crooked smile on his lips as he acknowledges you. 
“I know they’re frozen,” he admits, speaking of the meatballs, “but they always taste the same to me anyway.”
“I can’t wait,” you say, truthfully. “It’s been a long day.”
As if to demonstrate the fact, a loud snore emanates from the body next to you, making you grin.
“I’m glad you guys came,” Marcus says softly. “I don’t often have the opportunity to cook for… more than one.”
“No girlfriend?” you ask conversationally. 
Marcus laughs. “I’m… in between things, I suppose.”
“In between,” you parrot with a laugh. “How long have you been ‘in between?’”
He huffs. “Too long,” he murmurs. 
“How come?” you ask quietly.
Marcus frowns, thinking. “I dunno. No one recently has been… exactly what I’m looking for.”
“And what are you looking for?” you ask breathlessly.
“Spaghetti,” Emma mumbles from the couch.
“Spaghetti,” Marcus repeats, giving me a slightly melancholy smile. “Exactly. Come and get it, you two.”
Emma stirs, stumbling into the kitchen where two giant bowls of spaghetti and meatballs are awaiting the two of you.
“Holy shit,” she remarks. “Thanks for this.”
“Of course,” Marcus says. “I would never agree for you to stay and then not…” he trails off, unsure of himself.
You’re starting to realize that the bulk of Marcus’s most emotional statements go unsaid. I would ever agree for you to stay and then not take care of you, is what he hadn’t said. 
“Still doing the zoo tomorrow?” he asks, changing the subject, as always.
“Yup,” Emma answers.
He huffs, smiling wistfully. “Been ages since I’ve been to a zoo.”
“D’you wanna go?” you ask, before you can determine that it’s a bad idea.
Marcus looks at you, indecisive for a few seconds before he seemingly comes to his senses. “Nah,” he says, grinning. “You two have fun.”
“Are you sure?” Emma asks. “Apparently there’s a new panda baby.”
“That’s a hard bargain,” he admits.
“You should come with,” Emma decides. “It could be fun.”
“All right,” Marcus agrees hesitantly.
“It’s Monday,” you point out. “Don’t you have to work?”
“I’ll call off,” he answers quickly. “Not everyday one’s daughter is in town for an impromptu zoo trip.”
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“Look at the little lad,” Emma gushes. 
“The what?” Marcus asks. 
The three of you are staring at the panda enclosure, watching the newest addition to the zoo cause chaos.
“The chonky boi,” you agree.
“I have no idea what you two are saying,” Marcus admits. 
“The baby panda is cute,” Emma offers. 
“That I can agree on,” he decides.
The three of you, you’ve decided, make a good team. You try not to think about how your heart burns whenever Marcus looks at you, how your stomach does flips whenever he laughs. If you’re going to be a good friend to Emma–and you are–you’re going to have to put this silly crush aside and accept the fact that he’s a package deal with your best friend. 
That doesn’t stop the way the man looks at you, though. 
You think you’re imagining it, at first. After all, Marcus seems to be the type of person who focuses completely on whatever anyone has to say. The more you’re with him, though, it’s hard to deny that he seems to look at you just a tiny bit longer.
You start to notice it all day–when you’re looking at the exhibits, Marcus is looking at you. 
He’s watching your reaction to them–smiling when you smile, laughing when you laugh. You can’t parse out the meaning behind his actions–does it mean something? If so, what? What does it mean? 
You can’t admit the truth to yourself until you’re in the insect house. Emma is giddy with interest, and you… are trying. 
“Are you okay?” Marcus asks softly in your ear–and you try not to shiver.
“Great,” you squeak. “Just don’t love the bird-eating spider.”
“I don’t like them either,” he confesses with a smile. “Do you need to leave?”
“Idunno,” you mumble, slurring the words together. 
“Emmie,” Marcus announces, “we’re going to take a little break, okay?”
“Mmm.” 
You and Marcus escape into the bright sunshine, and you let out an awkward laugh. “I can’t believe they have some of them loose in there–without glass or anything!”
“I’m not going back in that building,” Marcus agrees, laughing with you. “The giant orb weaver was the last straw.”
“That was awful,” you say, nodding.
“Come to think of it, I might be more of a baby panda guy, myself.”
“I’ll take the snakes over this,” you agree.
You sit down on a nearby bench, still giggling together as you wait for Emma.
“Is it weird if I say I’m glad you came?” you ask quietly.
“I’m glad I came, too,” Marcus says beside you.
“I think–” you begin, but Emma emerges from the insect house, grinning ear to ear.
“You think… what?” Marcus asks, but you shake your head and shrug.
“I dunno,” you mumble. “I just… think.”
“Hey, wimps,” Emma shouts. “They let me touch the tarantula.”
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Marcus takes the two of you out to dinner at a casual burger spot near his place. While the tension between him and Emma has lessened significantly since the first day, it feels as though it’s been replaced by a thick cloud of tension between the two of you. 
There’s something about the man that speaks to you, something within him that seems to vibrate on the same frequency as something within you. Twin souls, you’d say, if you were in a mind to be romantic, except… it can’t be. He must be nearly forty–and almost twice your age. There’s nothing you have that he would want–nothing you could offer a man who has his entire life together while yours has barely started.
Still, the way Marcus laughs at your jokes and gives you knowing glances–as if the two of you are sharing some type of inside joke that you’ve had for years–keeps you flustered and breathless throughout most of the evening.
The glass of wine he offers when you arrive home doesn’t help, either. You watch the red liquid swirl in your glass and wonder how it would taste from his lips, instead. And, when you’ve reached the bottom of your glass, the fuzzy-headed feeling you get from the alcohol combined with the way your stomach swoops in its place every time Marcus’s eyes meet yours has you feeling dizzy and enraptured in equal parts. 
When he locks eyes with you over the rim of his own glass as he drains the last sip, you freeze, afraid that you’d been caught out–that he can read every dumbstruck expression on your face and knows exactly what he does to you.
But all he does is shoot you a little smile, announce that he’s going to bed– “Back to work for me, tomorrow”–and leaves you in the living room alone with Emma, trying not to look as though you’re checking out her dad’s butt as he leaves the room. 
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The next day, you and Emma spend most of the day at the Library of Congress while Marcus is at work. As a result, neither of you are too tired to help when Marcus suggests making the tamales tonight. 
“I’m going to preface this by saying I’m not very good at making these,” he says with a laugh as he struggles with the dough. “My grandma only made these on special occasions, and I’ve done it myself approximately two times without her.”
“Well, the good news is that I’ve got no frame of reference,” you tell him. “So as long as they’re edible, they’ll be the best tamales I’ve ever had.”
Marcus chuckles and ducks his head; you can see the pink tinge on the tips of his ears as he continues to stir the mixture.
“Emmie, do you want to do the dough or the filling?” he asks. 
“Filling.”
“That leaves you with the fun part,” Marcus says to you with a playful wink. “You get to spread the dough out on the corn husks like this–” he frowns as a glob of dough gets stuck to the spatula. “I told you I’m not very good at this. But you get the idea.”
You really don’t; cooking has never been your strong suit. You do your best to spread the dough out, but after just a couple of repetitions, your fingers, your shirt, and the counter around you are sticky with dough. 
“This is not going very well,” you mumble. 
Marcus looks up from the tamale he’s currently folding and laughs joyfully. “That’s part of the process.”
“I really don’t feel like it is,” you shoot back. “It’s sticking to everything but the corn husks.”
“Here,” Marcus chuckles. And suddenly, he’s right behind you, his chest nearly touching your back as he reaches around you to gently guide your hands himself. “Like this.”
You can’t possibly focus on your task, not when you have to remind your body to keep breathing while Marcus’s hands are on you. Your eyes stare unseeingly down at the corn husk until he releases you. 
“Better?” he asks.
“Mmhm,” you hum, abnormally high-pitched.
“You’ve got some on your cheek,” he remarks with a soft smile. His thumb gently swipes across it, catching the stray dough and wiping it on a towel. 
In the end, the tamales are hideous, but they taste incredible. They might be the best meal you’ve ever had–or maybe it’s just the way Marcus had smiled proudly at you when your technique improved after his intervention.
After dinner, the three of you sit on the small couch and watch a movie.
“It’s in black and white,” Emma remarks, wrinkling her nose.
“Double Indemnity? It’s a classic!” Marcus protests.
“Old movies are always so boring,” Emma says. 
“It’s not boring,” he pouts. “The unhappy wife of a wealthy oil baron starts a dangerous, illicit love affair with an insurance salesman, and they hatch a plot to murder her husband and collect the insurance money.”
“That’s wild,” you laugh. “How have you seen this before?”
“I’ve always been told I’m an old soul.”
“Are you sure you’re not just old?” Emma teases.
“Hush. Watch the movie.”
The film is engaging, but all of the walking around of the past few days starts to catch up with you about halfway through. Before you know it, your eyes are drooping, and your head tips back on the couch cushion as you start to doze off. When you wake, the credits are rolling, and you’re no longer upright on the back of the couch.
You’re drooling on Marcus’s shoulder.
You startle, sitting back up with a frantic gasp and wiping your mouth in horror.
“Shh,” Marcus whispers, placing a calming hand on your forearm. “Emma fell asleep, too.”
“Fuck. I’m sorry,” you babble, taking in the little wet spot on his shirt.
“Hey, it’s okay,” he assures softly. “You’re tired. You needed the sleep.”
“Still,” you say. “I didn’t mean to…” you trail off awkwardly. 
“It’s okay,” Marcus repeats, even quieter still. His hand still rests on your forearm, his thumb subtly moving back and forth across your skin. 
Neither of you speak for what seems like an eternity, until finally, he breaks the spell.
“Should go to bed,” he murmurs. “I’ll wake up Emma. Go get some rest.”
“Marcus,” you whisper shakily.
“Go,” he whispers back. 
He squeezes your arm once, then releases you, and you reluctantly get up from the couch and cross to the guest bedroom door. You turn again, watching as Marcus gently smooths Emma’s hair back from her forehead as he rouses her from the couch. There’s so much tenderness in his eyes, and you wonder how much different he might be if Emma had been a more constant presence in his life. He seems so lonely–does he have friends outside of work, you wonder? Does he ever date? 
Emma sits up blearily and pads across the living room, walking past you and collapsing on the bed. You take one last look at Marcus, and follow her. 
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The next morning, you feel as though you could cut the tension between you and Marcus with a knife. There’s something there–and you both know it. He seems to be doing his best to ignore it, avoiding eye contact with you, and busying himself with pouring a thermos of coffee and messing with his tie absentmindedly as he gets ready to leave for work. 
“Where are you off to today?” he comments lightly.
“Smithsonian,” Emma answers. 
“Sounds fun. I’ve got a deposition this afternoon that’s probably going to run late, so go ahead and grab something for dinner while you’re out. I’m not sure when I’ll be home.”
The only time Marcus’s eyes fall on you is in the moment just before he steps through the front door. He pauses, hand on the doorknob, and glances back in your direction, dark eyes watching you for a moment before he nods subtly and leaves.
It’s funny how just a simple, seconds-long moment of eye contact with this man can turn your insides to jelly. Your breath stutters as the door clicks shut, and you try to gather yourself again.
“What’s first?” Emma asks. “Natural History or Air and Space?”
You put Marcus out of your mind for most of the day, although he’s never far away; you’re able to call up the feel of his hand on your forearm at any given moment. You can imagine the burn of his eyes even as you walk through exhibit after exhibit.
True to his word, he’s not home for dinner. You and Emma grab sandwiches from a shop around the corner and eat them in the living room in front of the TV. It’s nearly seven when Marcus finally gets home, opening the door and greeting the two of you with a tired smile and a heavy sigh.
“How did it go?” Emma asks.
“Shit,” he answers, shooting her a crooked grin. “But I’ve got leftover tamales to look forward to, so the day is looking up.”
You watch another movie–Emma’s choice this time, and something a bit more current. You don’t fall asleep this time; you can’t, not with the way your body feels on high alert tonight. Marcus is sitting beside you again, as he was the night before, and all you can think about is how much you want to sink into his arms again–and this time, intentionally. You want to lay on his chest and have him wrap his arms around you; you want him to slowly turn and press you down on the cushions, to feel the weight of him on top of you, the light scrape of his beard on your neck, his breath in your ear.
A wave of arousal washes over you, heating your skin and sending a little trickle of damp into your underwear. You wonder if Marcus can feel it–feel the elevated warmth of your skin from where he’s sitting. You wonder if he can tell how much he affects you. 
When the movie ends, you can barely meet his eyes as you bid him goodnight, following Emma to your room. You can’t turn around to see if he’s watching you; you can’t stand another glance at that deep, burning gaze of his. 
Sleep evades you. You’re too hot, so you kick off the covers. Then you’re too cold, so you cover up again. You flip over the pillow, turn from your back to your stomach, and back again. The fantasy plays once more in your head: Marcus’s hand cradling the back of your neck as he kisses a path down your neck and to your chest. You want to feel the weight of him between your thighs, feel him pressing against your core. You’re dripping for him, and he doesn’t even know it. 
No one has ever done this to you, but he has. And he hasn’t even touched you. 
You wonder if he’d be bothered by the fact that you aren’t exactly sure what you’re doing in that department. You wonder if he’d be put off by your inexperience, or if he’d be happy to guide you in the act of pleasure. 
You’ve had a couple of fumbling encounters, rushed, frenzied moments as a teenager with boys who haphazardly stuffed a finger or two into you, but it didn’t feel like anything to you. Not really. No one has ever made you cum–just you, in the safety of your own bed at night, your fingers seeking relief that no one else has been able to provide.
Could he give it to you?
Your past experiences have been with boys; and Marcus is a man. 
Your legs shift, rubbing your thighs against each other as you try to find a more comfortable position.
You can’t find one.
Eventually, you give up–getting out of bed with a sigh. Maybe if you grab a drink of water and sit on the couch for a while, sleep will win out in the end. You pad into the kitchen, filling a cup in the sink and taking a few long sips. The cool water is a relief, so you run your hand underneath the water next and scrub it over your face. Finally sated, you set the cup down by the sink and turn.
To see Marcus sitting on the couch, dimly lit by the glow of his laptop screen.
You nearly double over with shock, the unexpected sight causing a spike of adrenaline to course through your body.
“Sorry,” he says apologetically. “Couldn’t sleep, so I was… catching up on work.”
The mirror image of a popular news site reflects through the glass picture frame behind the couch, exposing the tiny lie.
“Yeah, me neither,” you admit quietly. “Thought I’d sit out here for a while and see if that helps, but… sorry, I’ll leave you to it.” You make to turn back, to retreat to the room again, but Marcus speaks softly behind you.
“Come sit,” he says. “I don’t mind.”
Breath caught somewhere in your throat, you hesitantly sink down on the couch beside him. Marcus closes his laptop and sets it down on the coffee table, and the silence stretches out between you. 
“So, are you liking DC so far?” he asks.
“Yeah,” you answer eagerly. “I’m having a great time. I’ll… I’ll be sad to leave,” you admit. “Is that weird?”
“It’s weird if you’re talking about missing the Washington Monument,” Marcus teases. “Or the traffic.”
“I’m talking about the metro, obviously,” you joke. “The rest of the country could stand for some public transit options.”
“I’m not sure they should be taking their cues from DC,” he chuckles. 
“Pssh, I like it.”
“The novelty wears off, believe me.”
You lapse into silence again. You’re sitting close enough to Marcus that you can feel the warmth from his skin, even though you aren’t touching. You want to sink into him, to have him envelop you, consume you.
You feel yourself unconsciously shifting closer to him. 
Is it just your imagination, or did Marcus subtly lean closer to you?
The pull is inevitable; your eyes flick up to his, and you can almost feel the point of no return pass the two of you by. 
You lick your lips, and his breath catches in his throat.
“I wasn’t talking about the metro,” you say breathlessly. 
“I know.”
And suddenly, his lips are on yours. 
It’s not fast, not rushed or frantic; he doesn’t surge forward to take you. It’s simply that the two of you are close enough that at one moment, Marcus Pike is not kissing you, and then the next moment, he is. 
As with everything this man does, the kiss is soft and tender. His hand comes up to cup your cheek, and he gently tits his head as his lips move against yours. His mouth opens ever so slightly, and you feel a wave of pure want rush through you at the light flick of his tongue against your lower lip.
You make a ragged sound in your chest as your lips part for him, and your tongues slide against each other for far too short of a time before Marcus pulls back, suddenly, his eyes full of worry.
“Oh, shit,” he murmurs. “Shit, we… we shouldn’t.”
This time, you kiss him back. The neck of his soft t-shirt crumples in your fist as you pull him closer, opening your mouth to him, and his protests die at the feel of your lips on his. Instead, it seems to light a fire within him; one hand curls around the back of your neck and the other grips your hip and you gasp softly into his mouth at the feel of his hands on your body. 
Marcus breaks the kiss again, but instead of pulling back to give you more reasons why you can’t, this time he kisses a path across your cheek and down your neck. You’ve imagined the way his light beard would feel against your skin so many times over the last couple of days, but nothing compares to the reality of having him gently scrape his teeth against your neck as you arch your back to him. 
“Fuck,” Marcus whispers. “So sweet, honey.”
You whimper at the term of endearment as Marcus gently starts to shift positions, turning and guiding you down onto the couch, just as you’d imagined. 
Now that you’re horizontal, the kisses that started out tender and sweet start to grow more and more lascivious. You can feel the weight of him between your legs and his hot length pressing against you, his hips rocking slightly as he lazily explores you with his hands and his mouth. 
One hand creeps up your inner thigh and slips under your thin sleep shorts and underwear, gently grazing your folds and feeling the obscene amount of slick that’s already gathered there. 
“Shit,” Marcus hisses softly, reverently. “You’re so wet. How are you so wet?”
“You,” you answer earnestly, staring up at him with wide eyes. 
He laughs breathlessly in response, his eyes raking up and down your body, taking in your nipples peeking through the threadbare material of your tank top. His finger explores deeper, slipping inside your tight channel and immediately finding… something… that makes you gasp raggedly. 
“So responsive,” he murmurs playfully. “I’ve barely touched you.” He starts to slowly pump his finger in and out, his thumb pressing on your clit as he rubs against that little spot inside of you every time, and all you can do is squeeze your eyes shut and cling to him as this one little movement threatens to take you apart. 
“Honey,” he whispers disbelievingly as he feels you start to tighten around him. “Already?”
“I–” 
Whatever you had been about to say dies on your lips as you suddenly fall over the edge, shaking as the pleasure overtakes you. Marcus soothes you through it, whispering in your ear as you come down from your high.
“Wow,” you murmur. “Holy shit, that was amazing.”
Marcus pulls back and gives you a funny look. “What’s going on?” he asks, frowning slightly.
“Heh–you’re going to laugh,” you say, giving him an awkward grimace. 
He raises his eyebrow, waiting for you to continue. 
“I’ve–kind of never done this before,” you admit, pressing your lips together sheepishly. 
“Oh shit,” Marcus breathes, sitting up fully as his eyes frantically sweep over you. “Oh, honey–no. I can’t–we can’t do this.”
“Why?” you ask, wincing internally at how whiny it comes out.
“It can’t–it shouldn’t be me,” he says softly. “That’s more than I deserve to take.”
“You’re not taking anything,” you protest. “I–I want it to be you.”
Marcus shakes his head again, but you can see the cracks in his resolve, the way his eyes are searching you, devouring you with his gaze.
“I don’t want it to be some boy at a frat party back home,” you tell him. “I want you. I want it to feel good. Please?”
Marcus’s expression is inscrutable as his eyes rake over your form, disheveled and sated, underneath him. Your heart sinks when he stands up, shame sinking down into the pit of your stomach, but then he extends his hand to you, and you look up at him, questioning. 
“I’m not going to let your first time be a quick fuck on my couch,” he says quietly and resolute. “If we’re going to do this, we’re going to bed.”
Wordlessly, you accept his hand and allow him to pull you to your feet. You wobble slightly, still shaky from the orgasm, and Marcus draws you into his side, steadying you. He guides you forward, keeping you close as the two of you walk to his bedroom. 
Despite the fact that you were more than ready to let this man take you right there on the couch, the change in venue has your heart hammering in your chest. Now, it feels real. It feels intentional. 
“C’mere, beautiful,” Marcus murmurs when he feels your steps falter. His hand slides up your arm and across your shoulder until it curls gently around your neck, causing goosebumps to rise to the surface of your skin. He presses a couple of soft, chaste kisses across your opposite shoulder, and your lips part of their own accord. 
“I need you to tell me if you don’t want to do this,” he says softly in your ear.
“I want–”
“I know, I know,” Marcus interrupts. “I want you to tell me if that changes.”
He gently guides you onto his bed, one hand on the small of your back to keep you from going too fast. 
“I wanna know what you like,” he murmurs as he hovers over you again, his hand coming up underneath the thin material of your top. “I wanna know what you don’t like.” 
“I–I don’t really know–”
“I know,” Marcus grins wolfishly, his eyes sparkling with amusement. “That’s the idea.”
He starts to push the material of your shirt up, up, up, until your nipples are pebbling in the cool air of his bedroom. He gently pulls it over your head and casts it aside, looking down at you with undisguised hunger. He trails the backs of his fingers down the side of one breast and underneath. “I get to find out what you like,” he says. He circles one areola with the tip of his finger, making you shiver. “And I get to be the first to do it.”
He gently drags the pad of his finger across the little bud of your nipple, and you gasp for him as if you’d hit a live wire. 
“I’m gonna take a guess and say you liked that,” he teases. 
“Marcus,” you whine. 
“Shh,” he whispers again, just before his mouth engulfs your nipple. Your hand darts out unconsciously, tangling in the hair on the back of Marcus’s neck as you squirm under his hot tongue. You can’t tell whether you want to pull away or push toward him, but in reality all you do is whine and take what he gives you. He switches to the other one; lathing and flicking his tongue and pressing down until you whimper.
“So… fucking… responsive,” Marcus murmurs in between kisses as he starts to mouth his way down your belly to the band of your sleep shorts. His fingers dip underneath, poised to pull them down over your hips, but he waits–eyes flicking up to yours to gauge your reaction. 
“Can I taste you?” he asks quietly.
“I-If you want,” you laugh shakily. 
“If I want?” he parrots disbelievingly. “You’re saying that like it’s not a given–like I haven’t been thinking of burying my tongue in that sweet little pussy all night. If I want,” he chuckles to himself again, slowly dragging your shorts and underwear down your legs. “I need to taste you. I need to feel you fall apart on my tongue. The first one was kind of a surprise, and all I want is to feel you shaking again.”
You’re bare before him, but you don’t have any time to be self-conscious, because Marcus is laying back down on the bed, his face inches away from your pussy. He gently guides your legs over his shoulders before lowering his mouth to you. 
You aren’t sure who groans louder at the first touch of his tongue through your folds. 
Marcus makes a pained noise in his throat before murmuring, “So sweet, honey–fuck, you’re so sweet.”
His tongue is delicate, but precise; he flicks it back and forth against your clit, then dips down to lap at your entrance until you’re trembling for him. He’s tireless and patient, cataloging every whimper and moan he pulls from you as the pleasure slowly builds inside of you. In no time at all, you’re dangling on the precipice, your hips locking into place as you start to reach the point of no return. 
“I–I–” you stammer, trying to warn him.
Marcus hums enthusiastically in agreement, concentrating his efforts on your clit until you fall apart with a gasp.
He groans again, licking you through each little aftershock of pleasure until you’re boneless. 
“You squeeze me so hard,” he croons. “Can you feel that? You’re so tight around my tongue.”
“Shit…” you murmur. You’re too fucked-out to say anything else. 
“Gonna have to open you up a bit with my fingers,” he says softly. “So I don’t hurt you.”
You look up at him with half-lidded eyes. He’s still clothed–wearing sweatpants and a shirt, while you’re completely naked, and you frown slightly at the disparity.
“Everything okay?” Marcus asks, seeing your expression. 
“Can–Can I see you? You’re so… clothed,” you say with a little pout. 
He laughs, smiling widely so that the corners of his eyes crinkle, and your heart soars. 
“Of course,” he agrees, stripping off his shirt. “Of course.”
You raise up on one elbow, gazing up at Marcus’s broad chest, the light smattering of hair, and the soft swell of his belly. You can’t help but reach up and touch him, pressing your palm to his sternum and trailing down, tracing the little path of hair until it disappears under the band of his sweatpants. Your fingers curl underneath the band, looking up at him with wide eyes. 
“These, too?” he asks with a teasing chuckle, smiling wider when you nod eagerly. 
His cock bobs free as he pushes his pants down his hips, and your eyes widen at the sight of him, thick and hard and heavy with want. Curiously, you wrap your hand around him, and you’re rewarded with a little ‘hnnngg’ of pleasure and surprise as you touch him. 
You gently trace the little ridges on his shaft, traveling up to the flushed, purple head, where the skin is even softer, and back down again.
“F-Fuck,” Marcus muttters. “Can’t do that too much, honey, or I’m gonna lose it before we even get started.”
“I like it,” you say with a little giggle. “I never realized they were so… soft.”
Marcus makes a broken, choked sound. “Jesus. You’re gonna be the death of me.” 
He falls onto one elbow, giving you a messy, passionate kiss before sucking his fingers into his mouth and gently sinking one finger into you again. His lips stay close to yours, noses almost touching, his eyes watching your face intently as he slowly opens you up. His fingers are so thick, and just like before, he seems to know exactly where to press up inside you to make the pleasure spark inside of you. He adds a second finger, and you whimper–you're already so full. 
"Little bit more," Marcus murmurs. "Doing so well for me–fuck–so tight."
He gently starts to slide a third into you, the heel of his hand pressing against your clit to offer some relief.
“Is it greedy if I say I want you to cum for me again?” he asks softly. “I want to feel it again. Can you do that for me?”
You nod dazedly–wanting to do anything, everything this man asks as long as he keeps making you feel like this. 
His fingers press up against your walls again, and you sob loudly into the room.
Marcus immediately muffles the sound with a kiss, swallowing your whimpers and cries in an attempt to keep the sound from carrying across the apartment. 
“Gotta stay quiet for me,” he whispers against your lips. 
“S-Sorry.”
“No, shh, don’t be sorry,” he murmurs. “I wish you could be loud. Wish I could make you scream for me. Just–fuck, honey, you’re right there, aren’t you? I can feel you squeezing me–fuck, you get so wet. Give me one more. One more, and I’ll give you my cock. That’s it, that’s–yes–” 
Marcus breaks off on a groan as you clamp down on his fingers. It’s so much, you’re so full, and you buck against his hand, your lower back rising up off of the bed as he pulls it from you. 
You slump back down, breathing heavily, as he carefully withdraws his fingers. 
“Hey,” he says quietly, trying to get your attention. “Hey, I should have asked this sooner, but–are you on birth control? Do you want me to use a condom?”
“I-I’m on the pill,” you tell him. “If you… you know, if you didn’t want to. That would be–I’d like that.”
“That’s perfect,” he whispers, giving you a tender kiss. “I’d like that, too.” He pauses, and mutters a soft curse under his breath. “I wish I had some lube,” he remarks. “Just to be sure I don’t hurt you.”
You watch as he spits on his cock and takes himself in hand. 
“This will have to do, though,” he says as he slicks it over his cock and crawls over you. “And I’ll just go slow.”
He cups the back of your neck with one hand as he lines himself up with the other. His lips are inches from yours, but he doesn’t lean down to kiss you–no, he seems to want to watch your reaction as the tip of his cock notches at your entrance. 
“Don’t want to hurt you,” he whispers again.
“You could never hurt me,” you say confidently, and you watch as his lips part in surprise. “Marcus–” you add, as you shift your hips impatiently. “–just do it.”
Your eyes widen as you feel him push into you, his girth splitting you open. It can’t be much bigger than three of his thick fingers, but still, it just feels like more. It’s longer, certainly; he keeps pushing in, and even when you’re sure he’s reached the end, there’s still more. 
“Oh wow,” you hear yourself murmuring again and again. “Oh, Marcus.” 
“I know,” he returns, kissing your cheekbone, your forehead, your nose, and then finally, your lips. “I know, honey.”
He starts to rock his hips, slowly undulating them, letting his cock drag back and forth against your walls. It feels incredible–you never imagined how fucking good this would feel–and you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it’s because it’s him. It’s Marcus–a man you’ve admittedly only known for a few days, but you feel as though you know him already–and you trust him completely. 
“Does it hurt at all?” he rumbles softly in your ear.
“No,” you answer emphatically. “It feels–holy shit.”
Marcus laughs breathlessly. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. Can–can we do this again?”
He chuckles. “We’re currently doing this.”
“I already want it again.”
He starts to go a little harder, his thrusts a little deeper. His hand grips your hip for leverage, the other still cradling the back of your neck. He kisses you, a deep, messy, passionate thing, before burying his face in the crook of your neck and sucking a gentle mark into your skin.
“Feels so good,” he murmurs. “I’m not gonna last, not when you feel like this.”
“Like how?” you ask, smiling widely. 
“So fucking tight,” Marcus groans. “And wet, and hot, and–” he brings his thumb to your clit and starts to rub little circles around it. “I need you to cum again,” he says. “Fuck, you–you feel too good, honey, I’m not gonna last.”
“I—I don’t know if I can,” you murmur. 
“Please,” he says, a hint of desperation in his tone. “Please, baby, you’ve gotta do this one last thing for me. Let me feel it, let me make you feel good. Let me–let me–”
Your mouth falls open as you feel it wash over you. This is better than anything you’ve ever felt before, any relief you’ve been able to seek with your fingers–the drag of his cock along your walls only serves to prolong your pleasure, making each little aftershock feel like a new wave of pleasure. 
“Oh, fuck,” Marcus groans. “Fuck.” He buries his face in the crook of your neck as he shoves his hips into you one more time, emptying himself within you with a deep groan. 
The aftermath is quiet. After gently, tenderly cleaning you up with a damp cloth, Marcus collapses on the pillows and pulls you to him, wrapping his arms around you as you settle with your head resting on his shoulder.
“Was this a bad idea?” you ask quietly as you trace little shapes on his chest.
Marcus huffs a laugh. “Probably,” he answers.
“I don’t care,” you say resolutely, causing his hold on you to tighten. “...Do you regret it?” you ask, feeling unsure of yourself again.
“No,” Marcus says immediately. “No. I was drawn to you from the beginning. I’m sorry, I–I should have tried harder to prevent this, but…”
“I felt it, too,” you murmur. “Maybe we weren’t meant to prevent it.”
The two of you bask in the afterglow, reveling in the feel of your bodies pressed together. You can’t help but think of how tender, how loving he is–not just with you, but with Emma.
“Can I ask a personal question?” you ask, breaking the silence.
Marcus shrugs. “Sure.”
“This is probably weird to be thinking about right now, but… why does Emma’s mom not want you around?”
 Marcus sighs, his lips pressing into your forehead–not really a kiss, just a caress of your hairline with his mouth.
“That story doesn’t exactly paint me in the best light.”
“I want to know. I just… don’t understand.”
“What don’t you understand?” he asks.
“You’re… you’re such a good dad–a good man. I don’t understand how her mom wanted nothing to do with you. I just don’t get it.”
Marcus nods, pressing his lips together. “I wasn’t always a good man,” he says quietly. “I tried to do the best I could for the both of them–for Emma and her mom–but I’m afraid I fell very short, in the beginning.”
“What happened?”
“We were in college when we found out she was pregnant,” Marcus says with a sigh. “She was nineteen, I was almost twenty-one. We hadn’t been together long; maybe a couple of months. She was terrified, of course–and so was I, but never told her that. I asked her to marry me because I thought it was the right thing to do.”
“Did you love her?”
“I cared for her, very much so. And even if we weren’t quite right for each other, knowing–” Marcus swallows thickly, “–knowing our child, my child, was growing inside of her made me feel deeply connected. If you had asked me at twenty-one, I would have sworn up and down that I was in love.”
“But not now?”
Marcus huffs softly. “I know a little better, now.”
“What happened?” you ask, tracing the line of his collarbone with the tip of your finger. “What did you do?”
“Well, the first thing I did was drop out of art school,” he says with a little laugh. “Didn’t think it would pay the bills, especially not with a wife and a baby.”
“You were an artist?” you ask, surprised.
“Wanted to be,” he chuckled. “At least at that time. So instead, I applied for the FBI. Joined the Art Crimes division. And shortly after I completed training… Emma was born.” His eyes are far away, a small smile on his face as he remembers. “And she was perfect. And I remember thinking, all the struggling, all the hardship, all the times Denise and I didn’t get along… it would be worth it, in the end. No matter what happened; because I had her.”
You swallow past the lump in your throat. “What went wrong?”
“Nothing in particular, at first. We struggled to make ends meet. We were two young parents with no idea what we were doing, and even though I might have known deep down that we weren’t right for each other, I just wanted it to go right. I wanted us to be happy, but in the end we were just too different. We didn’t work–and while I might have been blind to it at the time, Denise wasn’t. When Emma was barely even two, she filed for divorce, and I–” he sighs heavily again. “I went a little off the rails.”
You tilt your head and look up at Marcus. His eyes are stormy, and you can see the remorse etched into the lines of his face. You don’t ask how, you just wait patiently for him to continue.
“I didn’t want to be divorced at twenty-three. This wasn’t–it wasn’t the life I had expected for myself, not what I would have chosen, but because I had Emma, I didn’t want anything else. I always knew I would want a family, and so what if it happened… a little out of order?”
“What did you do?” you whispered.
“I tried to convince her to change her mind. She took Emma and went to live with her parents, and I’d call them every day, asking to talk to her. I wanted to persuade her–I thought that if she could just see that we had plenty of time, we could raise Emma and be good parents and still… still have time for whatever we wanted. That we could still build lives.
“When she never returned my calls, I started stopping by,” he confesses, his voice even quieter. “They’d always tell me she was out, so I started showing up at odd hours, trying to… trying to just catch her one time–I thought if I explained that she could do whatever she wanted, as long as we could just stay together and raise Emma, she’d agree. But the more I tried to contact her, the more she pulled away, and rightly so, honestly. I was badgering her. I tried to justify it at the time, said I was doing it all for Emma, but I, uh… It took me until much later to admit I was actually doing it for me. I was so scared of being a failure, and scared to be alone.
“Anyway, the court didn’t look very kindly on what looked to everyone involved like stalking behavior, and Denise was afforded full custody.”
“M-Marcus,” you murmur, unable to help the water gathering at the corners of your eyes. 
“Broke my heart,” he whispers, his voice full of emotion. “And I was angry about it for a while, but when it comes down to it, I was just angry with myself. It was my actions that lost me my daughter, and… well, I’ve had twenty years to come to terms with that, now.”
“How did you finally… come to face all of that?” you ask quietly.
“Therapy,” Marcus says with a genuine laugh. “And that is another story for another time.”
“God, what else happened to you?”
“Nothing,” he chuckles, “just another relationship that I fought way too hard for.” He playfully runs his finger down the bridge of your nose before tilting your chin upward for a soft kiss. “And you,” he murmurs, “need to go back to bed.”
Your emotions still running on high alert after Marcus’s emotional confession of his past, you surge forward and throw your arms around his neck. 
“I’m sorry,” you whisper. 
“I’m okay,” he promises. “It was a long time ago.”
“You should tell Emma,” you say softly. “She never knew why her mom didn’t want you around.”
“Not really something you want to tell your daughter,” he says with a sad smile. “That you basically stalked her mom.”
“She’s grown up. She’s older than her mom was when–”
“Believe me, I know,” Marcus groans. “Don’t remind me; it makes this feel very… wrong.” He gestured between the two of you.
“Just trust me,” you murmur. “She’d want to know.” With herculean effort, you extricate yourself from his arms, grab your clothes, and redress. Feeling unsure in the way the conversation ended, you tell yourself not to turn around again when your hand lands on the doorknob.
“Honey,” Marcus calls out softly from the bed. “Good night.”
“Good night,” you whisper back, and then you’re gone.
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“Where are you two off to, today?” Marcus asks conversationally over coffee. He’s made it stronger than usual today, and it makes warmth pool deep in your stomach at the reminder of your very sleepless night last night. You’re grateful for the extra boost of caffeine as well, of course–the morning seemed to come far too early after being up half of the night. Sleep had still been hard to come by when you finally returned to the guest room, after all; the conversation about Marcus’s past was still swirling around in your head, and every time you closed your eyes, you could still feel his hands on you. 
You never knew it could feel like this, never knew how good it could be with someone who really knew what they were doing. Someone so giving, so gentle and yet so ruthless in pursuing your pleasure. Someone brimming with passion, capable of both the softest prase and the most depraved filth in the same sentence.
If you had thought your thirst would be sated after finally getting what you’d fantasized about and more, you were a fool. The flame burns hotter than ever this morning, and the sight of Marcus in a suit with not a hair out of place only makes you think about how he had looked between your legs last night–that devilish smirk as he teased about wanting to taste you.
You wonder if you’ll ever see him that way again, or if last night was a fluke. 
Had he noticed when your fingers had trembled around the coffee cup he handed you? 
He had given you a soft, tender stare when you had first entered the kitchen, but that’s the only evidence you can find so far that Marcus is even half as affected as you feel. You can still feel him this morning, a subtle ache between your legs when you sit down, and you wish you could see some outward sign on him that this actually happened.
“Not really sure,” Emma answers Marcus’s question. “Kind of ran out of stuff to see.”
“Impossible,” Marcus chuckles. “Well, you can hang out here if you want, or if you're really looking for a distraction, you can come to the office with me.”
“The fucking FBI office?” Emma asks. “Are we allowed?”
“Yeah, why wouldn’t you be?” Marcus shrugs. “Plus, I might be able to set up some time for you to talk to someone in Legal,” he says to you. “Are you still interested in that?”
“Oh wow,” you breathe. “Really?”
“‘Course,” he replies. “I said I would.”
You nod, smiling up at him beatifically. “I’d like that a lot.”
“Perfect,” he grins. “Well, if you’re coming, we’re going to need to leave soon. Are you almost ready?”
“I’m ready,” Emma announces, shouldering her bag.
“Yeah, me too.”
Marcus winks at you, and you try not to let yourself react to it.
“Let’s go, then.”
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You had assumed that you’d spend most of your day at the FBI holed up in Marcus’s office, doing nothing. You had imagined that, out of necessity, you’d be barred from attending any meetings or hearing about his department’s day-to-day activities, but when you arrive, his team seems enthusiastic to have you and Emma there. Much to your surprise, they even let the two of you sit in the back of the room while Marcus conducts a briefing. 
You listen, enthralled, as he discusses a recent forgery case that the team is working on. His demeanor, as it is at home, is good-natured and easygoing. He’s easy to smile, and engaging when he talks, and as a result, he utterly commands the room. His style of quiet, unassuming authority has you subtly squirming in your chair. Even though you have no idea what’s being discussed, you can tell simply by listening to his cadence of speech that he’s incredibly knowledgeable, and fucking good at his job. It’s clear he loves the work–and when you think back to the night before and his whispered confession that he had once dreamed of being an artist, you find yourself beaming with happiness that he’s clearly found something he loves to do. 
“People change.”
You suddenly recall his words the very first night you were there–his assurance that it didn’t matter that you had no idea what you wanted to do at your age, because there’s no promise that you’ll still want the same things in ten years. After last night, you realize that he was talking about himself in that moment.
You hope he’s happy and fulfilled.
He deserves it.
You watch him wrap up the meeting–delegating work to each member of the team and asking for updates–and every so often, as his eyes sweep around the room, they always seem to land on you.
As he promised, Marcus introduces you to Kimberley Alexander, the lawyer that his department works with most of the time. You’re nervous at first–you aren’t sure what you’re going to talk about, but you end up staying in her office through lunch, spending almost an hour and a half longer than you had intended, talking about potential jobs with the FBI.
Not because you suddenly have the desire to return to Washington, DC as soon as you can, nope. It does interest you–quite a bit, actually–but you can’t pretend that you aren’t excited at the prospect of living in the same city as Marcus. Would he want to see you again? Is he really interested in you, or is it just the forced proximity–because you’re convenient and available? If you had your own life here, would he be interested in a place in it?
When you find Emma and her dad again, they’ve clearly just come back from lunch. Emma thrusts a container into your hands, which you discover, with an exaggerated moan of satisfaction, is pad Thai.
“Must have been a good talk,” Marcus remarks. 
“Yeah, you were there for two hours,” Emma adds.
“It was good,” you nod. “Talked about, y’know, internships and stuff.”
“You wanna live here?” Emma asks, looking surprised and curious.
You try to shrug noncommittally. “Sure,” you say lightly. “It’s as good a place as any, and it would be kind of fun to work for the FBI, right?”
“I’m afraid I can’t give you an unbiased answer to that,” Marcus says with a wry smile, “but I think you’d be a great fit.”
Your heart swells at his words. “Really?”
“Absolutely,” he says earnestly. “And I hate to do this, but I’ve gotta run to do a witness interview, and you guys have to stay behind this time.”
You watch as Marcus gives Emma a quick kiss on the forehead, and your eyebrows raise in surprise at the action. They’ve gotten more comfortable around each other in the time you’ve been here, but neither of them had seemed to be very comfortable with physical affection. Marcus, for his part, is always so hesitant–wanting to reach out, but seemingly afraid that he doesn’t deserve it, or worse, that it won’t be received well. You still remember the first day you saw him–when his hand twitched toward his daughter, seemingly desperate to wrap her in a hug, but he hadn’t allowed himself to do it.
What changed?
Marcus glances at you, and gives you a slightly awkward, stiff nod before leaving for his meeting.
You busy yourself with eating lunch, digging into the container they brought you.
“Tomorrow’s the last day, huh?” Emma says conversationally.
You gulp. You’ve purposefully been putting the fact that your time here has an expiration date at the back corner of your mind. Whatever you have with Marcus, it’s temporary by its very nature, and you know it.
You just don’t really want to think about it right now.
“Yup,” you agree, mouth full of noodles. 
“What do you wanna do? I’m kind of out of ideas.”
You shrug. “We could ask Marcus if there’s anything he recommends seeing that we haven’t already been to.”
“I think we should go as far out as the metro line goes,” Emma says.
“Why?”
She shrugs. “See where we end up.”
“Whatever you want,” you tell her. “Last day is up to you.”
“How’s the pad Thai?”
“Good,” you nod, mouth full. “What’d you get?”
“Calamari,” she answers. “Never had it, wanted to try it.”
“How was it?”
“Chewy.”
You laugh, taking another bite of noodles. “Think I’ll stick to my favorite.”
The two of you huddle together on the small, two-seater couch in Marcus’s office, watching YouTube videos and laughing together until he comes back near the end of the day.
Your eyes automatically brighten when you see him return, drinking in the sight of him–the crisp lines of his suit paired with the slightly unruly hair. You discovered last night how soft it is, and how much he loves it when you thread your fingers through it and tug gently. 
He meets your eyes, but quickly drops his gaze, and you try not to sink in disappointment. Did it not mean as much to him as it did to you? Or is he just better at hiding it?
“You two hungry for dinner?” he asks, putting his stuff back in his messenger back and throwing it over his shoulder.
Emma groans loudly beside you. “Gonna be honest, I’m not really feeling dinner.”
“That was a lot of pad Thai,” you agree.
“Good,” Marcus says with a smile. “Me neither. Let’s go home and have a lazy night eating popcorn on the couch.”
The moment you arrive home, though, Emma makes a beeline for the bathroom. 
“She okay?” Marcus asks you.
You grimace at the faint sounds of retching. “Doesn’t sound like it.”
When she emerges again, Marcus hands her a glass of water with a concerned expression. “Everything okay?”
“No,” she mutters pitifully.
“Was it the calamari?” you ask.
“Please don’t say that word ever again,” Emma groans, flopping down on the couch. “Fuck. Everything hurts.”
“What do you need?” Marcus asks, looking a little lost.
“Distraction,” she mumbles. “Long movie or something.”
Emma takes up the entire couch, so you and Marcus have to sit in opposite armchairs while you watch Lord of the Rings. It’s almost unbearable to you, being so close to him and yet not being able to touch, not being able to look at him for fear of giving everything away. If you two were to lock eyes, you know that you wouldn’t be able to hide your reaction to him. So much so that even Emma, who’s still alternating between running to the bathroom and collapsing on the couch, would have no choice but to notice. 
The pull to him feels overwhelming; the only thing you can think of doing is crossing the living room and sinking into his arms. It makes you feel guilty–your best friend has food poisoning, Marucs is trying to help by refilling her water and encouraging her to drink, and here you are, with nothing to do but yearn for your best friend’s dad. 
When the movie is over, it’s late; Marcus brushes Emma’s hair back from her forehead and suggests she go lie down. As she’s stumbling toward the guest room, Marcus touches you for the first time since last night–lightly wrapping his fingers around your wrist while Emma isn’t looking.
Your eyes meet, and he gives you a coal-black stare, trying to communicate without speaking. He nods subtly, and his meaning is easy to understand.
Come to me tonight.
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You come to him in the dead of night. You lie awake, listening for Emma’s breathing to even out, and then waiting another thirty minutes after that, just to be safe. 
It’s nearly midnight when you slip into Marcus’s bedroom, but he’s still awake; his lamp is on, and he’s reading a book.
Waiting for you. 
The moment the door creaks open, Marcus casts the book aside without even marking his place, and rises to his feet. He strides forward and you meet him in the middle, a clash of mouths and hands as you come together desperately. 
“Fuck,” he whispers against your lips. “All fucking day, all I could think about was this.”
“Me too,” you mumble hastily in between kisses. 
“No idea how hard it was to concentrate on giving that meeting this morning,” he confesses, “with you in the corner looking at me with those eyes of yours.” 
He grabs your top and pulls it over your head in one swift motion and ducks down to lathe his tongue against your nipple, making you arch against him. 
“Ah!–Really?” you gasp. “I didn’t–you looked so… calm the whole day. Like it didn’t affect you the same way it affects me.”
“Doesn’t affect me?” Marcus repeats incredulously. “Honey, I am out of my mind with wanting you.” He pulls back, his palms cradling your cheeks as he stares at you with a disbelieving smile. “Do you not have any idea what you do to me?” he asks softly. 
Stunned, you shake your head.
Marcus laughs breathlessly, as he reaches down to encircle your wrist with one large hand and brings your hand forward to press against the front of his pants, where you can feel him, hard and straining against the fabric. “You feel that?” he rasps. “Do you fucking feel what you do to me?”
He shoves your flimsy sleep shorts down your legs and all but tosses you onto the bed. He strips off his own shirt and follows you down. “I’ve been half-hard all day,” he confesses. “I had to fuck my own hand in the shower this morning and still,” he groans. “As soon as I picture your face as you fall apart for me, I’m done for.”
“You thought about that?” 
“All fucking day,” Marcus promises. 
“That all you thought about?” you ask, your voice turning coy as you gain more confidence.
He chuckles darkly. “Thought about a lot of things,” he murmurs.
“Such as…?”
“Just–all the ways I want to have you.” 
“Show me,” you demand.
Marcus chuckles again. “Show you what, pretty girl?”
“All the ways that you want me.”
“That would take a lot more time than we currently have,” he says wryly. 
“Then show me how you want me most,” you say. 
“Let me get you ready first,” Marcus murmurs, starting to kiss a path down your body, intent on his destination. 
“No.”
“Hmm?”
“I want it now,” you say frankly.
“Honey–” he protests softly.
“Consider the fact that I’ve done nothing but think about what happened last night and fantasize about what’s going to happen tonight foreplay,” you tell him. “I can’t–I can’t wait. I don’t want it to be slow. I need–I need—” you trail off, searching for how exactly to find the words for what it is that you need. 
Marcus nods slowly, his eyes darkening as he watches you plead for him to take you now.
“You really want me to show you?” he asks quietly.
You nod.
“Then get on your hands and knees for me, honey.”
You comply with a shiver, your heart in your throat as you turn around and put yourself on display for him.
Marcus mutters a soft curse behind you as his palm strokes up the skin on the back of your thigh and up over the swell of your cheek. 
You hear him spit in his hand, and you know he's coating himself in it behind you, easing his way in. He does it again, and this time you whimper softly as he cups you, transferring more wetness to your folds. 
"Already so wet," he teases softly. "Tell me if it's too much."
He slides forward, sheathing himself in one fluid motion, and your elbows nearly buckle at the overwhelming feel of it. 
Marcus doesn't wait for you to adjust, this time. He starts thrusting right away, his hands grasping your hips for leverage. He's pressing right on the spot that makes pleasure sing throughout your entire body. Once he's sure that his pace isn't too much for you, he starts giving it to you harder, snapping his hips into you over and over.
Last night was overwhelming in its own way, but this–this is devastating. You thought last night was the most pleasure you could ever feel, but you had no idea that this could wreck you so completely. 
You're crying out with every thrust, each punishing snap of his hips punching little pathetic noises past your lips as you take what he needs to give you. 
"Shhh," he reminds you. "Gotta stay quiet, honey."
You drop to your elbows, burying your face in the pillows to try and muffle the involuntary sounds, but you can tell it isn't enough. 
"M-Marcus," you whimper frantically. "I can't."
"Do you want to stop?" he asks (making you shake your head rapidly), "Or do you want me to help you be quiet?"
You nod frantically, although you have no idea what he means. You'd do anything to keep feeling his cock like this. 
Marcus’s hand wraps tightly around your mouth, quieting your cries and forcing you to breathe through your nose. Something about the action makes your pussy clench violently, and Marcus makes a quiet groan of pleasure above you. 
He fucks you harder and faster, one hand sliding underneath you to rub tight circles over your clit. 
"Cum for me," he rasps brokenly above you. “Fuck, please–” 
The soft plea is enough to end you. You wail into Marcus’s hand as you come undone, and he tightens his grip, muffling the sound. 
It doesn’t take long for him to follow–just a couple more minutes of brutal thrusts that have you whimpering into his hand, oversensitive from your orgasm. The minute he stills, his cock slips from you as he immediately collapses on the bed and pulls you into his arms. You’re both still breathing heavily, but he smooths the hair back from your forehead as he looks you over.
“Are you okay?” he asks softly. “That was a lot, I’m sorry.”
“‘Re you kidding?” you slur. “That was… amazing.”
Marcus laughs and pulls you close again. “I’m glad,” he whispers, and you can hear the smile in his words. 
“Can I stay here for a little longer?” you ask. “Just a little.”
Marcus pulls back again and looks down at you with an amused smile. “It’s cute that you think I’m done with you, honey.”
Your eyes widen. “You’re not?”
“Mm-mm. Don’t think I’ll ever get tired of the way you look when you come undone,” he murmurs, tracing the tip of his index finger down the side of your cheek. “You didn’t think I’d be satisfied with just once tonight, did you?”
You giggle. “I guess not.”
He fixes you with a fiery look. “Do you trust me?” he asks quietly. 
“...Yeah?”
He raises one eyebrow. 
“Yes,” you answer, with more conviction this time. “Yes, I trust you.”
Marcus kisses you tenderly before sitting back on his heels beside you. His fingertips trail down your chest, over the peaks of your nipples, and down your stomach, as though he can’t get enough of the feel of your skin. One hand travels further down, stroking the soft patch of hair on your pubic bone before he slips one finger gently inside you. 
You cringe slightly at the wet squelch of your combined release, but Marcus shushes you gently. “Love how wet you get,” he teases affectionately. “And I like knowing I’m there inside of you.”
You clench involuntarily at his words, your lips parting as you exhale shakily. 
He chuckles. “You like that? You like knowing that I get off on the idea of you carrying a little piece of me with you?” he asks, as he starts to slowly fuck you with one finger.
“What if I told you that I was thinking about it during that meeting this morning?” he continues. “I kept wondering if there was still a little in there from last night, leaking into your underwear as I talked.”
“Shit,” you mumble. “Marcus.”
“Wanna fill you up again tonight,” he remarks casually. “So it’s still there when you’re walking around tomorrow.” He groans softly. “Fuck–Can I–Can I give you my number? I–I want you to text me. Tell me you can still feel me.”
“Oh my god,” you murmur. “Yes.”
“Good.” He adds a second finger and presses the heel of his hand against your clit, working you up to another orgasm exactly how he now knows gets you off quickly. When you start to clench around him, though, he doesn’t stop. He starts to rub quickly back and forth on that little spot inside of you until something else starts to build. 
“M-Marcus,” you murmur. “W-Wait, I–something is–”
“Shhh.” He keeps going, rubbing harder and faster until he suddenly rips his fingers from you as you gush around them, soaking his hand and the bed.
“Oh! Shit,” you cry out, panicking. “What the f–”
“Fuck, yes,” Marcus groans, the sound coming deep from within his chest. “Oh, fuck, do that again.”
When he notices your expression of utter shock, though, he pauses, a slow smile of understanding spreading across his face. 
“Honey,” he says soothingly. “Was that the first time?”
You stare up at him, mouth hanging open. “I… I kind of always thought that was a myth,” you admit, ducking your head in embarrassment. 
“Oh, baby,” he breathes softly. “No, it’s definitely not.”
He lays down beside you again, gently tucking a wisp of stray hair behind one ear. “That was so good,” he praises softly. “So good to me.”
You smile shakily, but something is starting to nag at you.
“What’s wrong?” Marcus asks, noticing your hesitant expression. 
“I just… feel really inexperienced,” you admit quietly. “You know all this stuff, and I–it must be tedious, having someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing, or–”
“No,” Marcus interrupts, his voice full of sincerity. “It’s not tedious at all. On the contrary,” he says with a little laugh, “the fact that I get to show you… that I’m the only one who can get you to do something you didn’t even know you could do–Well, shit,” he says with a crooked grin. He reaches down and palms his cock, which is hard and weeping again. “Look at what it does to me, huh?”
“Does that mean you’ll fuck me again?” you ask eagerly.
Marcus chuckles at your enthusiasm. “I did say I was going to fill you up one more time, didn’t I?”
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When you wake up (in your bed, next to Emma, after sneaking back into your own room after Marcus was finally finished with you in the wee hours of the morning), your travel companion is decidedly not ready to go. 
“I feel like I’ve been run over by a train,” she grumbles. “And my stomach is still in fucking knots.”
“We can just stay around the house,” you offer.
“I don’t want you to lay around being bored just because of me,” she protests, flopping down on the couch with a groan.
“Not feeling any better?” Marcus asks, coming into the living room. 
“No,” Emma pouts. “I’m gonna stay here and rest.”
“What are you going to do?” he asks, looking over at you.
You shrug. “I don’t really know. Stay here too, probably.”
“How about this,” Marcus says carefully. “I’m supposed to be going to the National Gallery of Art today to give a little talk about forgery detection. If you wanted to come, we could… walk around the museum a bit, afterward?”
You try to keep your face neutral at the prospect of spending a day with Marcus. Alone. 
“Sure,” you say, hoping it sounds nonchalant. “Could be fun.” 
“Great,” he says lightly. “It’s a d–it’s a plan.”
It’s a date.
You’re giddy as you wave goodbye to Emma–who’s watching daytime TV and holding a bottle of Gatorade–and follow Marcus out of the door. 
As soon as the door shuts, he rounds on you, taking your face in his hands and kissing you soundly. “So glad you said yes,” he says breathlessly. 
“Why wouldn’t I say yes to that?” you tease. “Spending the day with you.”
“I don’t know,” Marcus murmurs playfully, capturing your lips again. “Good question.”
“Is this a date?” you ask coyly.
He pauses, lips parting in surprise. “Do you want it to be?”
Taking a big leap of faith, you nod. 
Marcus’s expression softens, and he threads your fingers together. “Then it’s a date.”
After his talk–which you listen to with eager eyes and rapt attention–the two of you stroll slowly through the galleries, talking. Marcus occasionally stops, taking in the artwork, and tells you little tidbits of information about each piece. He seems to be using the quiet setting as an excuse to keep you as close as possible; his arm wraps around your waist as he leans down and talks quietly in your ear, making goosebumps rise on the back of your neck whenever he speaks. He seems to know the effect on you–you had no idea art could be described so sensually. 
You lose the afternoon to each other; having lunch in a small cafe and then walking down the National Mall, hand in hand.
You pick up a sandwich for Emma, just in case she’s feeling better, on your way home. As you get closer and closer, every step starts to feel heavier and heavier. You never want this to end. 
Just before you arrive at his building, Marcus stops and spins you around, cupping your cheek and pulling you to him for a soft kiss. 
“Today was–” he starts, but breaks off, shaking his head. 
“Yeah,” you agree.
“Listen, I don’t–I don’t know what your plans are after you leave tomorrow, but–”
“I don’t know.”
“Okay.”
You’re both dancing around something big–both of you afraid to say what you really mean, and you know it, but you can’t bring yourself to take the leap. 
You had been hoping that Marcus would.
“It was nice,” you say lamely. 
“It was,” he agrees softly. 
Emma is looking a little less green when you arrive back home, and accepts the sandwich eagerly. 
“Sorry about today,” she says, her mouth full. “I don’t know what the hell that was.”
“It was the cal–”
“Don’t fucking say it.”
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At first, when you hear Emma start to fall asleep beside you, you're paralyzed. You want to go to Marcus. This is your last night; if you want to say goodbye, you need to go to him this one last time.
You just don't know if you can face goodbye.
You don't know if you can face him. 
You aren't under any reservations about what this is. Marcus is a man, and you're nothing special. You're also nearly half his age. You gave him 'fuck me' eyes for three days, and he when he gave in to the temptation, you came willingly. But this was never meant to be a long-term arrangement. 
It was never meant to be in the first place.
You just wish your first time hadn't been with the total package. Marcus is sweet, kind, attentive, and can apparently make you cum like it was a competitive sport. How are you supposed to go back home, back to being around boys your age, and expect them to measure up?
You debate staying in bed. It would be the easiest thing to do. You could begin tonight: stuffing your feelings down and burying them deep, never letting them see the light of day again. You were on spring break, and this was a fun romp. A fling. You could leave it there and never give Marcus the goodbye he probably deserves. 
On the other hand… 
What's the harm in delaying for one more night?
You slip into his room for the third time in three days, and carefully close the door behind you. Marcus is shirtless in bed, and he beckons you over with a crooked, affectionate smile. 
"Fancy seeing you here, beautiful," he says, drawing the covers back with a playful raise of his eyebrow. 
Despite your heavy mood, you can't help but grin back and enthusiastically hop into bed beside him. 
He takes advantage immediately, grabbing you and turning you, and pulling you back against his chest with a playful growl. You're caged tightly in his arms, and there's nowhere you'd rather be.  
"This is nice," you hum contentedly. 
"Oh yeah? This all you want? Just a little cuddle?" Marcus teases, nipping gently at your shoulder. 
"What if it was?" You wiggle your hips playfully against his hardening cock.
"If that was all you wanted? Then I'd think really hard about dead puppies and my childhood neighbor Mrs. Fitzwilliam in order to calm myself down a little," he answers. 
"Mrs. Fitzwilliam?" you laugh. "Why?"
"When I was a little boy, I was convinced she was a witch. I couldn't so much as talk to her for years."
"Stop it, no you did not."
"I wouldn't joke about that," he laughs. "I was really scared of her!"
"Do me a favor and don't think about her," you tease. "I like how it feels against me."
"Would feel better somewhere else," Marcus says darkly. 
"Have somewhere in mind, do you?"
"I've had it on my mind all day," he says softly. 
"Show me," you murmur. "Show me what's been on your mind all day."
"Wanna know what I was picturing while I was giving that little forgery talk?" Marcus asks.
"Obviously."
"Then sit up, pretty girl."
He loosens his hold on you and you sit up, unable to keep the grin off your face. He sits up too, gently taking hold of the hem of your shirt and drawing it up over your head. He hooks his thumbs under the waistband of your shorts. 
"Help me out with these," he commands quietly. 
You shimmy them down your hips and kick them off, still kneeling before him, now completely bare. Marcus sits back on the headboard and pats his thigh suggestively, giving you a wicked smile. 
"C'mere."
You giggle and bite your lip nervously as you crawl forward and straddle him.
"Wanna see you just like this," he murmurs. 
"I–I've never–"
"I know," he interrupts with a wry smile. "I've got you. Just wanna see you like this," he confesses, palming your jaw and rubbing his thumb across your cheekbone.
Your eyes start to flutter shut as you feel the tip of him breach you as you sink slowly down. 
"Eyes on me, honey." 
With a shaky breath, you open them again, holding Marcus's intense gaze as you impale yourself on his cock. Your lips part, eyebrows pinching together at the stretch of him–you don't think you'll ever get used to the feeling of being broken open for the first time. 
"That's it," he whispers. "Just like that." 
You slowly rock your hips, rising up and sinking back down again. You feel so full like this; your lips part and a breathy gasp escapes you as you feel the drag of Marcus’s cock inside of you. 
This is the first time you've chased your own pleasure with him like this; Marcus's eyes rake over your form greedily and as you ride him, you start to feel overly conscious of his scrutiny.
"Do I look okay?" you ask shyly.
Marcus makes a disbelieving noise and surges up, his hands starting to guide the movement of your hips as he kisses you messing, trailing from your mouth to your neck as he flexes up into you.
"Are you kidding?" he asks softly. "You're ethereal. A fucking goddess in my bed. And if you're thinking about that, I'm not fucking you right."
"That's a lie," you say with a lazy smile. "You're very thorough."
"Oh yeah? You like how I fuck you?"
"Mmmhmm," you hum. "Liked what you were doing last night."
Marcus chuckles deep in his throat. "Is that so? Cum for me like this, honey, and I'll put you on your knees again."
When his thumb presses into your clit, rubbing in small circles, it doesn't take you long to start to feel the pleasure growing in your core. You start moving faster, bouncing on his cock, no longer caring if your body is jiggling too much or that your face might look silly contorted with pleasure; all you can think about is chasing that feeling that’s building inside of you. Marcus helps you along, thrusting up into you, and you swear he must get deep enough to feel the very end of you. 
He whispers little praises and encouragements in your ear in that deep, raspy way his voice gets when he’s drunk on pleasure. You can recognize all his little foibles, now–the way he wiggles his wrist back and forth when something’s on his mind, the way he talks with his hands when he’s passionate about a subject, and the way he sounds when he comes undone.
You’re going to carry all of those things with you, now–the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles, the way he raises one eyebrow when he’s being playful, and the way he sometimes mouths along to the words of his favorite old movies.
Is it possible to miss someone so completely after just one week?
You’re so deep in your emotions when you cum, you barely even realize that you’re about to until you’re clenching hard around him, grinding down on his cock as he works you through it, guiding your hips with his fingers pressing hard into your skin.
You’re still in a daze as Marcus flips you over, depositing you on your back and then turning you over onto your stomach on the bed. Rather than pull you up to your knees like the night before, he straddles you like this and sinks back into you, draping himself over your back as he starts to really fuck you.
Oh. This might be your favorite position yet–it’s the same angle as it was last night with the added bonus of getting to feel the weight of this man pressing down on you. His chest is against your back, his ragged breaths in your ear. His elbows cage your face and he entangles your fingers together over your head. It’s a sensory overload in nearly every way, and you’re drowning in the feel of him.
It’s so good that you feel your core start to tighten again.
“So soon?” Marcus teases breathlessly in your ear. “Fuck, I can feel you shaking. How are you so fucking perfect, hmm? You always feel like you were made to take me.”
His words inexplicably cause a lump to build in your throat. Made to take him, but this couldn’t, by definition, last. The statement only makes you wish that your compatibility didn’t have to be so fucking temporary. 
You’re teetering on a precipice–on the verge of both an orgasm and inexplicable tears. When Marcus gently brushes the shell of your ear with his lips and murmurs one last, soft sentence, you finally succumb to both.
“You can let go, honey. I’ve got you.”
You convulse with a wet sob, pleasure and sorrow overtaking you simultaneously. Blessedly, with your face buried in the pillow, Marcus doesn’t notice yet; he starts fucking into you with abandon until he lets go with a deep groan in your ear. 
When he finally stills, and he starts peppering kisses across your shoulder blade, you can feel him stiffen when he realizes that, mortifyingly, there are tears on your cheeks.
“Shit,” Marcus breathes. He carefully slips out of you and turns you over underneath him, quickly brushing the tears at the corners of your eyes. He kisses them away, whispering softly to you.
“Did I hurt you?” he asks frantically. “Honey, look at me.”
“No!” you exclaim emphatically. “No, I–I don’t know why I’m doing this.”
“Talk to me,” he demands softly.
“I don’t–I don’t want to go home,” you whisper. “I don’t want this to end.”
“Oh, honey,” Marcus whispers. “Really?”
“Sorry,” you mumble. “I’m sure this is exactly what you’re looking for–for some girl to get attached to you after one whole week of knowing you…”
Marcus smiles and brushes his thumb against your cheekbone. “Attached to me?”
“I didn’t mean for it to happen,” you say. “You’re just really nice, and you’re gorgeous, and you’ve been so good to me–”
“Don’t cry,” he whispers. “Please don’t cry.”
"Sorry," you say again.
"Hey," he says softly, still stroking your cheek. "You know something? You're wrong. You're not 'some girl.' You're sweet, and funny, and cute, and maybe having this girl right here be attached to me after one whole week of knowing me is exactly what I'm looking for."
"What are you suggesting?" you ask bluntly. 
“All I’m suggesting is that we stay in touch,” Marcus answers. “No pressure, no expectations. We talk, and we get to know each other better, and when you graduate, Miss Pre-Law,” he teases, lightly touching the tip of your nose, “if you still feel the same way, come back to me. Go to Law School at Georgetown. Get an internship at the FBI. And whatever it is that you do, I know of a place you can stay.”
"You'd really want that?" you ask, a slow smile starting to spread across your face.
"I'd be a fool not to grab onto this with both hands," he murmurs, stroking his hand down your side. "A damn fool."
"What about Emma?"
Marcus pauses, biting his lip. "She's a grown woman," he says carefully, "and I haven't had much of a place in her life growing up. I would hope that… once we see where this goes–if it goes anywhere–she'd understand."
You nod slowly. "Okay."
"I've rushed into things in the past," he says softly. "More than once. But I'm not in any rush right now. I want to take my time, get to know you, and if you're still looking at me the way you're looking at me right now in a year, I'll consider myself a lucky man."
Your smile is brilliant. "I'd like that."
"I'd like that, too. And that means tomorrow isn't goodbye, anymore." 
"No?"
"Nope," Marcus says with a grin. "Just 'see you later.'"
"Can I still get a goodbye kiss?" you ask.
He shakes his head playfully, but his lips descend to meet yours anyway. 
"Not a goodbye kiss," he teased.
"A 'see you later' kiss," you correct. 
"A 'you are so goddamn beautiful that I can't help to kiss you' kiss."
"You're making this too complicated."
"An 'I'll call it whatever I damn well please' kiss."
"An 'everything's gonna be alright' kiss?" you ask hopefully. 
Marcus smiles and kisses you long and deep. "Especially that."
– – – – – 
One year later…
“May I present: the graduating class of 2024.”
Along with Emma and the rest of the seniors in the auditorium, you throw your mortar-board hat into the air, shrieking happily as someone else’s crashes down on your head, instead. 
“Fucking finally!” Emma shouts beside you, and you grin widely. 
The last year has been a whirlwind for the both of you, and you know it. 
After reconnecting with her dad, Emma made an effort not to lose touch again. Eventually, he had opened up about his past and the circumstances surrounding his divorce, and at her urging, even began the process of making peace with her mom. They even had Christmas together, for the first time since Emma was two. 
And how do you know all this?
Well, Marcus hadn’t lost touch with you, either. 
True to his word, you both took your time and got to know each other from a distance. Talking to him was still as easy as breathing, and you’d spend entire nights at the beginning staying up far too late and talking well into the wee hours of the morning. 
It wasn’t hard to see that the something that was between you was still there and not going away any time soon. And the only thing you’ve found so far that rivals the strength of your friendship is the passion that you continue to have for each other in the bedroom.
Marcus would make trips when he could–some visits ostensibly to see Emma and other, more secret trysts where his only aim was to see you. (And see you he did; on most occasions, he’d barely let you out of his hotel room.)
Your beginning may have been a meteoric collision–two people forced into proximity that had no choice but to fall into each other–but the growth of your resulting love was slow and careful.
Eventually, you’d need to tell Emma, but it didn’t feel like the time was quite right, yet. Of course, when she visits you at Georgetown next year and you give her not your own address, but her father’s, the two of you will have to come clean. 
Right now, though, as you and Emma weave through the crowds of people looking for Marcus, you’re content to keep things the way they are. Everything is slowly falling into place, and that piece of the puzzle will fit into the rest when it’s ready.
“There she is!”
Emma beams as she hears Marcus call out, waving his hand frantically to catch your attention among the sea of people. 
She lets herself be crushed into a hug, her father grinning proudly and murmuring something unintelligible into her ear. After a few minutes, he releases her and turns to you.
“Congratulations,” he says–perfunctorily, but warmly. 
“Thank you.”
After a couple of beats, Emma rolls her eyes.
“Would you just kiss her already? Honestly, it’s more weird that you’re not.”
Two sets of eyes swivel to her in alarm.
“You… you knew?” you exclaim.
Emma gives you a disbelieving look. “Okay, the fact that you two both think you were being subtle means you might actually be meant for each other. Wow.”
“How?” you choke out.
“Are you serious? You two had bizarre energy when you met, and ever since, I see you smiling at your phone all the time,” Emma says to you. “And after that week, whenever he’s come to visit, you both act weird around each other.”
“Oh,” you say dumbly.
“Plus, you had a hickey on your neck one morning,” she says, rolling her eyes. “Real subtle.”
Oops. You shoot Marcus a look, and notice that he’s as red as a tomato. 
“Em,” he starts, looking pained.
“It’s fine,” she interrupts. “Look, it’s not like we had the closest of relationships when I was a kid. I'm getting to know you as an adult, and it just feels different than it would be if you had raised me. I’m not going to say it doesn’t make me feel fucking weird, and I don’t ever wanna know details about your sex life and I am not calling you ‘mom,’ but I guess I’ll just say… I get it. You two are oddly similar, and I wouldn’t want to stand in between you and happiness. Because I… you know. I love you.”
“Emma,” Marcus says, his smile turning watery for a moment. 
“Don’t… make a big deal out of it,” she grumbles.
“Wouldn’t dream of it,” he laughs, and gives her a sweet kiss on the forehead. “I love you too, Emmie.”
He pulls back and looks at you, his eyes sparkling, and you feel your insides start to heat up just from his gaze alone.
Those words are still new, between you–the first time was whispered softly in his ear in the darkness after spending all night wrapped around each other just a couple of months ago. Marcus whispered them back immediately after; he was achingly patient and careful to take his time with you, even though you’d felt that emotion emanating from each of you for months prior.
It was just–you didn’t want to rush things. Love was new to you. Everything was. And if Marcus was going to be your first experience with all of it, you had a feeling that you were going to want to savor it.
You know he feels the same.
Stepping forward, Marcus gently tips your chin up to meet him in a gentle kiss. The shape of his lips are so familiar now, you could probably draw them in your sleep. You know the way they move against yours. You know how it feels when he smiles against your mouth–which he does often, and right now.
“Congratulations,” he murmurs again. This time, the word is dark and full of underlying emotion–love, affection, friendship, pride–and you grin back as you kiss him once more.
“What now?” you ask with a little laugh.
“I have a few ideas,” he husks in your ear, inaudible to anyone else, before pulling back. “But right now?” he shrugs. “Anything you want. Everything.”
“What if I said that all I wanted was you?”
Marcus’s eyes soften. “Well, honey,” he says gently, “you’re in luck, because that’s the one thing I can give you.”
The end.
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anamericangirl · 7 days
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Wanna know something interesting? On my main, 10 years ago, I got banned from Tumblr and have been hiding and sending asks as Anon ever since, because I realized Tumblr is full of very hostile people.
The reason I got banned was because, in response to people screaming about "misgendering" and "using the correct pronouns" I said, and was very firm about this, "You are responsible for your own comfort, and nobody else is. If you are forcing other people to make you comfortable, you're an ass hole, and if they comply and aren't being paid, that's slavery. You're basically forcing people to be maids that fluff your pillows and bring you hot cocoa and giving them nothing in return other than not being screamed at or harassed or attacked or canceled. That's slavery. Be responsible for your own comfort, just like everyone else does."
It included a comparison.
"If there was a bully in a school who attacked people when they heard their first and last name, and it was so bad that they were attacking teachers and staff as well as students, there's two ways to solve it.
Way 1: Pull the bully out of school, contact their parents, and talk to them about potentially sending the kid to therapy or homeschooling them because they're biting people and attacking people. One way or another, do not keep the kid in school.
Way 2: Assemble the entire school of 3000 students and try to convince each and every one of them that there's a new rule in school: Never say the bully's first and last name.
I was afraid to say it before, but I wanted to say "The liberal left chooses Way 2."
Instead of convincing the 0.004% of the population that's trans to stop attacking people over pronouns and stop demanding to go in women's restrooms, the left is trying to convince 9 billion people to pronoun people correctly and 4 billion women to be comfortable with men pretending to be women walking into their restroom.
People need to stop trying to change the world for their own comfort levels, and instead focus on making themselves comfortable. And if being comfortable requires manipulating people and forcing people to act different, you need to either get away from those people, or get used to how they act because you have no right to force people to change their personality to fit your comfort levels.
It sucks you got banned for that because it's 1000% correct.
No one is responsible for your own comfort except you. You can't control the speech of everyone else and tailor it to your own desires. You need to toughen up and learn that people are going to say things you don't like and there's nothing you can do about it. If your identity, happiness and comfort depend on what other people say and think in regards then you will never be happy and you have no one to blame but yourself.
You don't have the right to make everyone else uncomfortable and unhappy just so you feel better and we need to stop catering to people who are trying to compel speech.
That is evil and under no circumstances should we allow it.
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fictionkinfessions · 1 month
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I've seen enough asks on here about the topic, so I just want to say:
If you identify as a system, GO GET THERAPY. Being a system is not a "normal" human thing and it definitely means you need fucking therapy. You can't just call yourself a system and call it a day. You cant just say you're KINNING, either, because the kin community goes back decades and it is bigger than some teenager on tumblr picking up kins from your mutual's posts. My honest, genuine opinion is that anyone with 100+ kinds or alters IS NOT ACTUALLY A SYSTEM. You are just young and impressionable and the world is in shambles right now and theres a sense of comfort in being someone else. Everyone wants to know who they really are and you will NOT figure it out until you're in your 40s. If it brings you comfort, fine. But go get therapy so they can tell you how to ACTUALLY cope with the real world instead of using "escapism." Escapism is not the answer to your problems and you still have to deal with them.
I say this as a person who felt inhuman since before I was 10yo. I even told my dad about it back then. And I've been watching the way the "community" has changed over time. You are not a polyfragmented system if you have 100+ kins, you are just trying to find an identity that fits you. Kinning nowadays is a good FIRST STEP. But I cannot stress enough that CPTSD, autism, and ADHD mix together to cause dissociative episodes. Maybe you should all look into it and find peace with yourselves before adding a new kintype to your list
All of this being said, yeah I do think having a bunch of kintypes is fine. It's okay for one alter to kin a handful of different people and shift between them. But you do not need individual listings for each separate one. You do not need to make a new proxy with pluralkit. I see people confessing to only seeing a character ONCE and kinning them. It doesn't work like that. Take some time to think about it. Its IMPORTANT to figure out if these similar kins are actually just the one person instead of assuming they're someone new. If you actually had 100+ kins (that you treat like individual alters) you would not be functional
...
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gougarfem · 5 months
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i don't know how to make this post, or if anyone really still follows me (tumblr has a new algorithm so i'm pretty sure you have to be active for posts to show up, i'm mad about it). i haven't been active on here in a long time, because. i wish there was a prettier way to say this but i had to make the decision to retransition. i've had severe dysphoria ever since i can remember, and was diagnosed with GID as a child; it's persisted and only gotten worse over time. i've been in therapy ever since my diagnosis with a variety of providers, most of them not particularly trans-inclusive, who did not try to push transition on me and instead helped me unpack my trauma and my feelings around my body (i've spoken about my experiences with GIDS in previous posts, that's a whole different story). detransition and therapy did not do for me what it's done for other dysphoric women, and i reached a point where i had to consider whether it was worth living miserably for the sake of being true to my biological sex or whether i should take the easy road and try to pass as male to wider society. i took the easy road, and i'm not proud of it, but life is short and my choices feel so limited despite everything i've done to work through this.
i still hold true to my radfem beliefs, even though i'm going through a process that seems to contradict them. i feel like i've betrayed this community, and i so badly wanted to be living proof for younger dysphoric girls that it does get better, that you don't need to pretend you're a man, but for some unknown reason the only way i feel okay is by doing that very thing. if you followed me for my detransition content, i'm so sorry, and i'm more than happy to answer questions about my decision, dysphoria/transsexualism in general, and what it means to try to survive in a society that shows few signs of change for women. i really hope people here are open to discussion, because this is the most lovely, supportive and critical environment i've found online, and i truly enjoy hearing your views and opinions.
take care and have a wonderful day <3 thank you for reading
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saltygilmores · 1 month
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Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls, Season 3, Episode 8, Part 4: "Let The Games Begin", the part where Lorelai says that if Jess was trapped inside her burning house she would save her shoes first
Lorelai Gilmore, you are no Jack Pearson. I won't complete that thought, even though I'm feeling nice and mean and I totally should.
Scene: Lorelai and Rory are discussing the upcoming road trip to New Haven with the Gilmore Grands. Rory forgot to pack. Lorelai goes into panic mode. Rory questions why she needs to pack her entire closet for a short road trip. Lorelai recounts a family vacation story from her childhood that would be best unpacked in a lengthy therapy session, frets that her mother will lecture them for under-packing, starts rummaging through Rory's dresser. Rory catches Lorelai making a double entendre about a meaty taco and declares it was dirty. The show makes another dig at New Haven after Lorelai brings home a pamphlet about Exciting Things to Do In New Haven but it's only a few pages long.
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You sound surprised, as if ya'll aren't wearing heavy coats and long sleeves in the spring and summer. I swear there's something in the drinking water affecting everyone's thyroids in this town, they can't regulate their body temperatures.
Could anyone tell I'm stalling here? Classic Salty.
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Rory: Mom, stop rummaging through my shit. Awwwe. Even Evil Villains like Lorelai Gilmore get the blues. I'm surprised she decided to go on this road trip to Yale instead of sending Rory off alone with the Grands, that way she'd have the house and Dean Forrester to herself the entire day. Since Dean's sexual stamina only extends to 1-2 minutes, they could have had sex hundreds of times in a day.
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Two quips that sprang to mind (couldn't decided which one was better): The only words Lorelai is thinking about right now are "Dean" and "Shower". Lorelai thinks Jess removed Rory's bracelet while they're in the shower together? Jess could only hope.
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Excuse me for a moment... *deep inhale*
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I went into the Tumblr gifs library and looked up "peaceful". Here is a nice, presumably not-evil, Peaceful Bunny.
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So not only does Jess commit attempted vehicular homicide, and steal Quarters on a String, he steals said QOAS by forcibly ripping them directly off the wrists of poor unsuspsecting delicate young ladies.
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Nice try. You think you're so slick, but you're not, Slick Gilly.
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You all don't understand the effort it takes for me to break down a scene like this without taking the cowards way out and simply rage quitting (which I have done before). I have to come up with multiple lines of witty, cutting commentary about what is unfolding before me, when all I want to do is KEYBORD SMASH. SO, YOU KNOW WHAT I WILL!! ITS A FREE COUNTRY ISNT IT! BALD EAGLE BASEBALL APPLE PIE! (Deep inhale) sagfshafgahfgasvxzcywtryqwuhajlkansjbkfagsfyafvabsfvsdgr2347527q2y4q#&$T%#^%^#*U@(%)&@tGSHFBSHFSVAGFSFS FUCKYOULORELAIGILMORE#^&#^%&#^WGHFSHGAS@$%@^@
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Thank for reminding the audience the reason why Lorelai thinks Jess should, ya know, die painfully and slowly. He was mouthy once. (the Netflix captions borked the line; Rory also said "and wrecked my car", but as if that makes Lorelai's treatment of Future Nephew any more justifable).
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I am told that in a later season, Lorelai bemoans the fact that unlike Dean, Jess never offered to change her water bottle for her. NOW WHY WOULD HE DO THAT? YOU'RE ABOUT TO WISH HIM A FIREY DEATH. AND WHEN HE WAS (FORCIBLY) APPOINTED TO CLEAN YOUR GUTTERS YOU DIDN'T WANT HIS HELP..
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Lorelai practically moans this, lol. We know "Change the water bottle" can mean two very different things. You ain't so slick, Slick Gilly.
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Welcome to Gaslighting and Emotional Manipulation Theater! See, here's the thing Slick Gilly, I watched an entire frigging episode about you accusing Jess of being a thief, it was called Lost and Found and it took me four frigging centuries to finish, I'm quite sure I have concrete evidence that you have accused him of stealing things. I am Jess Mariano's defense attorney and I will see you in court. Bring Rory too, she should also start getting used to what a court room looks like.
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Rory, honey. Sweetie. Sugar bear. It's best you don't wish for a crystal ball. Just strap in to the rollercoaster that is dating Jess Mariano while living with your mother, and pray.
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See, here's the thing Slick Gilly, I watched an entire frigging episode about you not letting Jess enter your house, it was called Swan Song and it will take me four frigging centuries to rewatch it.
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This "Jess talks in grunts" shtick is getting old and moldy.
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So not only does Jess commit attempted vehicular homicide, steal Quarters on a String, and steal said QOAS by forcibly ripipng them directly off the wrists of poor unsuspsecting delicate young ladies, but he's also an arsonist, and not only is he an arsonist, he's such a bad one that he'll apparently be killed by his handiwork? (he also can't be trusted to clean gutters). He was probably trying to off himself instead of live in Stars Hollow for another minute. Can we recall another time Rory tried to play this same grim hypothetical with her mom? Does Rory, like Jess, also have some kind of firey death wish? I mean, who can blame either of them. *twinkly flashback music to early season 2*
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I notice Pigtails didn't say "my daughter" this time, either. Sorry Rory. Maybe try playing a third time until she answers with "Some form of human life." Lorelai lies to Rory's face that she "promised you before and am promising you again that I will cut "this kid" some slack." Alright, I ran through my 30 screen shots, let's stuff this scene in a sack and throw it into the lake with Shane and her swan family.
Rory: "You're just waiting for the day I break up with Jess." Lorelai The Villain: "Did I like Dean? Yes. Did I worry less when you were with dean? Yes! I never expected you to be with Dean forever. I don't expect you to be with Jess forever." What a pile of rancid baloney. Maybe he won't be with Rory forever, but 13 years later Jess becomes her nephew and will be a part of her family forever and I will never, ever, ever stop loving that. What JUSTICE.
When I hit my lowest of low valleys listening to this wretched woman spew her many lies and Gilly-Nonsense, It's often the only thing that makes me smile.
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bellofthemeadow · 9 months
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Blended Heart and Bitter Brews | part 1/?
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Masterlist
Summary: Your life was boring, hoping for your big break, you were stuck at Starbucks for what felt like forever. The hot metalhead that just came through your door might just be the amount of shit-stirring fun you've been looking for. (2.4K)
A/N: Hey everyone, first time venturing into the Stranger Things fandom. I know I am late to the party lol, but I was off TUMBLR when the show came out and I've just recently started rewatching it and I had the need to write a series on everyone's favourite metalhead! Hope you all enjoy it and lmy what you think  😊
Warning: Swearing, suggestive language, reference to bratting and brat taming (18+)
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Working at Starbucks isn’t the most glamorous job in the world. It wouldn’t even make the top 500 hundred in your opinion. The hours were long, the pay was mediocre at best, and you didn’t even want to think about the tips.
After 3 years on the job, you came to the very scientific conclusion that there was a direct correlation between your empty tip jar and the ungodly amount of Frappuccino you’d have to do on a given day. To the point: right now it was just shy of 2 pm, and you had been making so many of those blended abominations that the front of your apron looked like a unicorn and a leprechaun had an orgy on it. And your tip jar was empty. Go figure.
Starbucks was supposed to be a temporary gig, something to keep the cash flowing between college and your big break. Unfortunately, there was no big break in sight, no producers had called you back because, your sound was “too 80s, but like the wrong 80s” so you were still there serving tweens their daily fix of sugar. You wanted to ram your head on the counter, maybe you should dye your hair platinum and get into pop. Maybe then someone would sign you since the whole metal vibe just wasn’t doing it for anyone. You sighed, just 1 hour and then you’d be free. At least for today, until you’d have to do it all again tomorrow. To avoid having a mental breakdown in the middle of the coffee shop, you distracted yourself by mentally running through the list of things you had to do when you got home:
Go grocery shopping. Nah you were positive you still had fruit loops; Grocery could wait.
Go over your demo. AGAIN
Therapy Oh yeah you couldn’t afford that. Maybe a good crying session to end the night.
Go grocery shopping. Nah you were positive you still had fruit loops; Grocery could wait.  GET BEN & JERRY
Yeah, that should do it.
As you were mentally ticking things off, you heard the shrill voice of a girl at the counter order, “I wanna Venti Caramel Frappuccino with extra whip and a blended cake pop inside. Oh, and with Skim milk!” Of course. Fuck that!
You groaned and pushed your way to the till where the newly hired 19-year-old was taking the order, “Swap with me.” You made sure that your tone left no place for arguments. “Ehhh, I’m taking an order.” Looks like new girl didn’t get the tone memo, “I’ll take the orders from now on, you go work the bar.”
“But I am in the middle of tak…” “Ok look, that’s great, hard-worker is such a good look for you. But I think I’m not making myself clear here; You are going to swap the bar with Me because if I have to make another fucking Frappuccino, I will set this place on fire with everyone inside! Capish?”
Silence.
Suddenly a loud guffaw reverberated from somewhere towards the end of the already long line. Your coworker and the girl at the till looked horrified. But your monumental side-eye was the last nail into the proverbial coffin because Emma didn’t try to argue with you and instead, scurried over to the coffee bar.
Victory.
You turned toward the girl and plastered the fakest smile you could on your face “And what did you say you wanted?” The girl looked like she was going to puke on your counter “… I’ll have a grande latte… Is iced, ok?”
You smiled broadly “One grande ice latte coming right up, did you want skim milk with that?” “Oh no, no. Just regular is fine,” She stuttered.
“Great just gonna need to add your name and that’ll be 4.00 $.” “… Its Josie.” Sacharine smile plastered on your face, “Great Josie, you can go and wait by the bar over there.” You dismissively pointed in the general direction of the farthest end of the bar, “I can take whoever’s next!”
For the next couple of minutes, your other customers were rather accommodating, ordering black coffees and lattes with no mod for once.  “All right next!” You passed down the cup for a “Grande Americano for Josh” toward Emma who was still doing her best to avoid any form of eye contact. You snorted a bit, to say that Emma might be a bit oversensitive was an understatement, maybe you’d apologized after your shift… Maybe.
You turned your eyes to the new customer in line and you couldn’t help but raise a brow at the yummy stud that just stepped up to your till.  You licked your lips appreciatively; the guy must be around your age, with shaggy brown hair, big brown puppy eyes and plush lips you wanted to snap between your teeth. The guy was totally your type too, you spotted how his slightly ripped 1991 “Wherever We May Roam” Metallica tour t-shirt was hiking up his belly revealing a toned stomach. But what really made you salivate was the sight of his numerous tats that decorated both his arms. You could also peek at some hiding under his collar.  Yummy.  
You gave him your best sultry smile, leaned forward, showcasing the unfortunate non-existence of your cleavage as it was all covered by your apron, and coyly purred, "And what can I get you today, handsome?"
Hot dude seemed happy with your flirting as he responded with a reciprocating smile before leaning forward. You were so close that you could almost trace the tattoos (were those bats?!) decorating his forearms. He hummed as though contemplating it, then offered you a sultry smile. You were more than happy to respond with your best fuck-me eyes.
Suddenly his sexy smile transformed into a wide shit-eating grin before he boomed loudly, “I’ll have a Venti Caramel Frappuccino, extra drizzle, extra caramel and extra whipped cream.”
Time stopped. Crickets chirping. Jaw Dropped
What in the actual fuck?!
You jerked your head back and grumbled. Displeasure etched on your face. Hot dude wasn’t so hot anymore as you reluctantly entered the order into the cash register. "Whatshisface" still wore that irritating grin as he leaned forward even further, granting you a clear view of his sharp collarbones. He began to toy with some of the chocolate-covered coffee beans next to your cash register. "You touch it, you buy it," you grumbled.
His Cheshire cat-like grin grew even larger, if that was even possible, and he let out a loud tut. “Aw sweetheart, you don’t have to get all bratty on me. Come on, I know under that little metal act you got goin’ on, you wanna be a good girl for me.” He finished with a little wink that made you want to shove the napkin holder on his stupid handsome face.
“That’ll be 9.85 $” Grin gone. Whatshisface looked completely flabbergasted, “9.85$?!? In what world do you live in that you think its ok to charge so much for a cup of coffee!?” He loudly gasped, affronted.
You flashed your most charming smile and fluttered your eyelashes innocently, much to your delight, you noticed the tips of his ears beginning to blush. In a syrupy tone, you purred “Well sir the caramel, the extra drizzle AND the extra whipped are all extra charges. But I understand if that’s too expensive for you, perhaps you could move over and explore other parts of the menu that are more… within your means.”
Hook, line, and sinker
Hot dude turned an even deeper shade of red and began to rummage through the bag he was carrying, all the while muttering less-than-flattering expletives under his breath. You were fairly certain you heard him mutter a rather pointed “disrespectful little brat,” which senta delicious shiver straight to your core.
You were feeling quite triumphant and began tapping your manicured finger on the counter, a gesture that seemed to further irritate him. After a minute, he forcefully slid a crumpled $20 bill your way, bringing a smug grin to your face. After making a show of counting his change, you grabbed the venti cup and the black Sharpie. “And can I have your name for that?”
“…Eddie.” You slowly captured the cap of the Sharpie between your teeth and started writing his name on the side of the plastic cup. You added a wide smiley next to it for good measure.  You triumphantly noticed that Eddie gaze hadn't wavered from your mouth, as if entranced by the sight of the cap being gripped by your teeth. Maybe he was imagining something else between your lips, you snicker to yourself.
After sliding the cup over to Emma, who appeared as though she had just witnessed a car crash, before hurrying over to start his drink, you coquettishly cooed at him, “Well Eddie,” you made sure to enunciate every word as you tasted how his name felt in your mouth. “I hope you enjoy your… expensive drink, Tip jar is right here.” You gestured with your impeccably black manicured nail towards the nearly empty box "Don't you think I deserve it? After all, I’ve been such a gooood girl for you and did everything you wanted?" You batted your eyelashes, ensuring to add ample emphasis to drive your point home.
As for Eddie, well he looked like he was about to suffocate. Red and blotchy all over, you could also spot some sweat gathering on his forehead. You almost started to pity the poor guy when he tried to stutter out a response to your teasing. Almost.
 In the end, Eddie dropped a couple of ones in the small glass before making his way toward the end of the bar. You also noticed how he had a slightly slouched gait—probably because you'd turn his attempt at embarrassing you on him. He finally stopped in front of where Emma was making his sugared monstrosity. As you were taking the next order, you could feel Eddie’s gaze burning your body. So, you made sure to give him a good show, laughing extra hard at the lame jokes from the college boy you were serving. Bending down a bit too low to grab an extra roll of receipt paper giving him a good view of your shapely ass, drawing large hearts on every cup and flirtatiously referring to every guy in your line with endearments like "sugar" or "handsome."
“A VENTI CARAMEL FRAPPUCINNO WITH EXTRA CARAMEL, EXTRA DRIZZLE AND EXTRA WHIP FOR EATDICK!!!”
“Jesus Christ, no need to scream in my ears like that.” Eddie, looking mortified, snatched his drink before sitting down at one of the empty tables. One of the only ones with a perfect view of the counter. You gleefully observed how Eddie nearly spat out his drink after taking the first sip, probably dying a little bit inside at the taste of the artificial sweeteners that must invaded his mouth.  Quite the smooth move, jackass.
You looked at the time, as your other coworker Jenson joined you behind the bar to relieve you of your minimum wage duties, “I’ll just make myself a drink and then I’m outta here!” You whoop, Jenson acquiesced with a shrugging smile before taking over the till. You shuffle toward the bar area and snicker as you start to make yourself an extra special drink.
“Hey Jenson, can you do something for me real quick after I leave?”
Eddie is grudgingly drinking the caramel monstrosity he ordered. His own fault really, he’s always been a black coffee kind of guy. When he was younger, he started to order it black because it fitted his whole metal vibe; “Black like my soul,” he’d ordered with a wink to the old-timey dinner waitress back in Hawkins. But now that he moved to Indianapolis to chase his music dreams, he realized that he couldn't enjoy coffee unless it was as bitter as the disappointment that people had in him.
While he wasn't usually a Starbucks person, he had stayed up until 4 am this morning after playing a gig downtown. And to top it off, he had to be at work on the dock by 6 am, leaving him with barely any time to sleep in between. At this point, he would have traded his soul for a coffee. So, when he spotted the Starbucks on his way home, he just had to stop. Mindlessly scrolling on his phone for any notifications of Corroded Coffin, you took him right out of his zombie-like trance when you shrieked about setting the place on fire. He hadn’t been able to stifle his laughter at your words. To top it off, you were hot, as fiery as the arson you threatened everyone with. So, when he reached the till and saw that his attraction was completely reciprocated, he couldn't help but tease you a bit.
He just hadn’t banked on you being such a brat. Now he was sitting alone with an almost inedible caramel concoction of his own making, swimming in the bitter disappointment of having made a fool of himself in front of you. As he was simmering in his annoyance, a cup of steaming Americano was placed in front of him. He raised his head fast and looked at the sheepish expression of a lanky guy with a freckled face, “I didn’t order that…”
“Eh, well she made it for you. Told me to give it to you after she left.”
Eddie’s head snapped back to the bar where you had disappeared. A bitter taste of disappointment coated his mouth as he realized he hadn’t even gotten your number, “Thanks, man.” The guy gave him a sharp nod in response before making his way back to the till where a line was slowly forming again.
Eddie took a deep breath, inhaling the tangy smell of the black coffee. Exactly what he needed.  As he was about to take a sip, black writing on the side of the cup got his attention.
Hey hot stuff, You looked like you wanted to put me back in my place back there 😉 I’d like to see you try, call me at xxx-xxx-xxxx -Little brat
A huge grin broke out on Eddie’s face as he took a sip of his coffee, letting the bitter liquid burn down his throat.
Today turned out to be pretty metal after all.
Part 2: The Phone Call
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I'm a bi woman who works with FOUR crotchety, old Boomers. They're religious and they're Trumpers. I mind my own business and don't take my personal life to work, but these are the last people on Earth who'd kill me for being queer (ik you don't care for that word, so I apologize). Like, I just know I could walk into work tomorrow and be like, yeah, I'm totally gay, and they'd be like, doesn't matter, Kid, just do your work.
My family is pretty anti gay, and I don't think they'd accept me, so I stay in the closet, but there is 100% no way they'd disown me, let alone want me dead.
Conservative friends just love me like normal, and it's not even a question in my mind if they care about my sexual preferences.
I'm sorry for every LGB+ person who's been abused. I know they're out there, I've been friends with some of them. I even know a guy whose parents sent him to conversion therapy in high school. It's terrible to know some people hate us.
But this across the board, black and white, right wingers want you dead mentality is nonsense. It's ignorant fear mongering. Spiteful.
Worst I've seen the conservatives do is threaten to pray for me. 😂
Of course, I don't have much of a victim card to show for. There have been times I was harassed or snubbed for my sexuality, almost always by other gay women. Liberals, at that. For the most part, though, people have left me alone, and you know what? It doesn't matter. I see the way you and others get treated right here on Tumblr, and I'm appalled.
My conservative friends, family, and coworkers would never talk to me the way these cowardly Zoomer brats talk to you.
And let's just say, I'm not remaining anonymous because I'm afraid of my conservative family and friends; as a matter of fact, there are libs (some I consider friends!) following me, and I don't need the aggravation of their whole, how dare you talk to that transphobic traitor schtick.
I don't think this is even the 20th ask I've gotten from someone in the original LGBT alphabet soup saying almost these exact same things. It's so weird how Republicans and libertarians hate us and want us dead, but instead of ever trying to harm us or attack us, they just...act like normal people as long as we do the same. It's almost like maybe a lot of bad interactions between gays and the right aren't because the right can't stop from hating us, but because so many gays these days are absolutely insufferable.
You're absolutely right and you should say it.
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respectthepetty · 4 months
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Hi!!!
I haven’t even fully watched Last Twilight (I think I’m on episode 2 lol) but I’ve kept up with all the gifs and metas and let me say I am ANGRY at Day after the snippets I’ve gotten on tumblr about breaking up with Mhork. I hope they don’t get back together in episode 12 because let’s be real, that boy deserves better!!! I hope Day realizes his mistake but it’s too late because he hurt Mhork so deeply. Mhork literally gave Day his heart and soul and explained all of his raw trauma and then Day threw it on the ground and stomped on it just because of his own insecurities!!! I’m so angry I don’t think I’m going to enjoy actually watching the show because I’m just going to be glaring at Day the whole time. I hope Mhork goes to Hawaii and finds happiness and Day reflects on his life 😤
-MA
MA, I can't encourage you to finish it or not. That's not my style. But I know Aof deserves my watch. He has given me great show after great show and all have featured excellent queer stories. Not only has he written some of these shows, he has directed them as well as produced even more!
I respect Aof.
Which is why even though Only Friends is in Petty Prison and I hated it unlike others who greatly enjoyed it, I finished it because Jojo, much like Aof, has given me so many other great watching experiences like The Warp Effect and 3 Will Be Free. Because what is one bad moment in the grand scheme of Jojo's career or Aof's outstanding career?
And here is the other thing:
I hated Bad Buddy.
Which was also from Aof. I hated it while watching it when Pat was shot on Christmas Eve. I hated when it was done because of that "breakup" at the end of episode 11 and the continued ruse in episode 12 even though the audience had been in on all their shenanigans up until that point. I hated that it was paired with Aof's masterpiece A Tale of Thousand Stars in the Our Skyy installments just so I would have to see Pat and Pran keep pretending they weren't in a relationship even they were actively watching a queer couple breaking up. And I'll always hate it.
But the crowd loved it.
So . . . I believe the crowd is going to love the ending of Last Twilight too while I'm still chilling here six years from now mad about the ending of episode 11 since I'm petty.
I hold grudges and water them daily like plants in a garden. Be My Favorite forgave Knot even though he was awful every second of his screen time. *points hose in its direction* Teh stayed messing up in I Told Sunset About You then had the audacity to cheat in I Promised You the Moon. *blasts some water in its direction* Team needed therapy in Between Us not sex. *turns sprinkler on* HIStory 3: Make Our Days Count exists. *dumps a bucket of water on the ground*
Perhaps wait until the last episode has aired and check the tags. I assure you there will be plenty of people who love it. They will be singing the shows praises and how amazing the narrative was. People will be laughing about how we even questioned the genius of the show after this episode instead of trusting the process.
But as for me, hopefully Night and Phojai are getting married and the simple fact that I am rooting harder for the hets in a BL finale should tell y'all all you need to know about my petty ass.
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Now excuse me as I need to go start digging a little hole for the newest addition in my Grudge Garden.
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larktb-archive · 2 years
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I wanna make one more post about Sarah Z being a dumb white hoe because I'm tired of speaking about the most milquetoast of libs on this site masquerading as radicals but i saw a post she made saying that basic abolitionist tenant is to "not harm those who have harmed you" claiming that doing so is carcarel logic.
As always with the most logged on people online this is about callout posts which to white people who haven't left their gated community in months and clutch their handbags when they see someone two shades darker than a paper bag is the exact same as the prison system and the modern enslavement of millions across the globe and the continuation of chattel slavery in the USA.
Now obviously it's really simple to see that no actually, someone making a post saying that "this person has done x negative things and gets off to these things so be wary of them" is not the same as the state sponsored imprisonment of people for monetary gain and the entrenchment of white supremacy. However they'd argue that the kinda thinking that fuels callouts is the kind that fuels the carcarel system, ignoring both historical societal standards of social conduct prior to the prison system as well as like... the actual real structures that fuel these systems.
There is very much criticisms to be made of shame based societies, but these have existed long, long before prisons or the modern prison system and the continuous misinterpretation of abolitionist work which detail the systems that form the basis of the prison system proves that these people, for all their bluster have not read abolitionist works. If they did, they'd know the problem with the prison system isn't "wanting to harm others who have harmed", it's the enslavement of others and the. To turn common rhetoric on its head because I love to be snarky: it's catholicism. The idea that you need to suffer in silence and turn the other cheek? That's Catholicism. I don't know how many times I heard turn the cheek not 7 times but 77 times in high school but this liberal "we gotta sing Kumbaya" with those who are racist, misogynistic and predatory is very much in line with Catholic conceptualizations of the forgiveness of the other. I don't really believe this, I think it's more to do with American ideas of liberty and freedom to do whatever without any consequence for your actions, but I think it's funny you can turn the "callouts are basically Christianity" on its head incredibly easily.
Anyways what's really the kicker here, and the reason im making this post, is that there are people in the notes saying "oh if there's a pedophile online you shouldn't make a callout you should call the police"... which... like... "we need to stop carcarel thinking with callouts... and instead need to contribute to the actual carcarel system of prisons" is definitely not a take I thought I'd see here but surely is one that has that fresh tumblr "I'm a white person who has never faced adversity in their life please listen to me" smell on them.
I'd also point out that the original callout post that Sarah Z is talking about in these vague diatribes is one that describes a major transmisogynist who gets off on conversion therapy for lesbians and transfems, and as a white person she said that saying the slur abo isn't a big deal if youre talking about omegaverse or what.
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rabtownsend · 4 days
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following up on that last reblog:
As someone who shoots nude photography, I don't actually get a lot of blowback for sharing it, but I still worry about some unforeseen consequences because somebody with power over my life was a prude. I just kind of have to live with that worry if I want to keep doing the things I love doing. Back when Tumblr let you mark your own blog as nsfw, I refused to do so (and look how it backfired on people), because I felt that artistic, non-sexual nudity was not "unsafe." There's nothing inherently dangerous about Titian's Venus de Urbain, or one of my photos of a 30 year old art model with pubic hair posing in a bunch of coloured lights in 2024. It's not meant to be consumed in a sexualized way, and by making it taboo and treating it as if it is sexual content, we impose that context on the viewer's experience, whether they would have had it initially or not. We teach them to think of it in that way. I'm not saying someone couldn't find my images arousing, but it's not my intent, but if they ended up in a context that presented them as sexual, I can see how someone might.
We don't always see the ways in which we are being manipulated as it's happening. Whether that's being manipulated to think all nudity must be sexual, or that body hair is unclean, or that a certain weight or dress size is fat. The sooner you notice, the more enraged you become by it, though. Everything in my life up to around the 2010s told me that certain bodies were "chubby" - and if I look back at them now, it's not so much that I see that they weren't, as that the concept of "chubby" has become something I can't really meaningfully apply to any body. What's fat? What's skinny? What's unhealthy? Anything. Everything, if you're taught to believe one way or another about it.
I've said this in some other post somewhere, but being on tumblr in the last 15+ years and being in the circles of tumblr that I've been, was a really big part of deprogramming me from some of the baked-in societal expectations about appearances and how people and their bodies ought to look. I have seen so many body types, and there is always beauty in each of them. I don't mean that in a platitudinous way - I mean it literally. And definitely, I'll admit, there hasn't been as much diversity as i would like from my own photography work, but there are a wide variety of body types in that world as well. And maybe, to some extent, surrounding myself with relatively attractive nude people all the time has undone some of the work that tumblr has done. But I am recognizing that when I'm feeling that.
The sheer diversity of bodies (and voices) out there is what's important to remember. We can unlearn weight policing. We can unlearn stigmas about gender presentation or lack thereof, people living with physical deformities or disabilities, racial prejudices. The fact that anybody could post a nude, in the context of their choosing, and I could stumble upon it was amazing to me when I first discovered the naked-on-the-internet community on tumblr. It was the best kind of exposure therapy. It didn't matter if it was my thing. It was just fine. Bodies as they should be, doing what they're supposed to do. A body being a body. A success at body. Perfection of doing body.
It goes beyond nudity and sexualization. Just exposing yourself to opinions you might never have been exposed to otherwise can change you for the better.
All this to say that diversity representation works. It's very important. But also, be conscious of the contexts you place things in. That context will influence how others interpret it. Know when you're upholding a societal expectation instead of forming your own.
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heynowisavedyouright · 11 months
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you are The main swagdoons person to me so i want to just brainrot in your asks sorry. im going to put some things out here that i haven’t seen explicitly mentioned on swagdoons tumblr yet (i don’t have my own tumblr blog). have you noticed that in ash’s video about their block wars 1 victory, ash gives each teammate roughly equal attention in his storytelling, and structures his story around his lag’s impact on his tournament experience, but in RED’s video, red edits his own footage to disproportionately feature ash, making sure to include all of ash’s victories, his funny lines, his struggles, clips of his POV, etc, and ALSO partly structures his story around ash’s lag?? and red always tries to position himself next to ash in their group photos and whatnot. he repeatedly pursues ash to ask his opinion on whether red should wear his jacket sleeveless or no, and, upon noticing ash’s one-sleeve-cut-off look, red wordlessly changes his own skin to match with him. SPECIFICALLY not by cutting off the same sleeve, but to mirror ash, so they can hold hands in photos and match. yknow. like an exclusive couple . red does All This while way outplacing ash in points (red 6th place, ash 22nd), being the team’s designated top frag/leader, and caring a lot about his own personal performance – from what he says aloud, red’s full VOD of the event gives the impression that he’s mainly focused on his own individual placement, but his edited final video gives the impression that he is fixated on ash. who, btw, has only participated in block wars if he’s teamed with red. and fun fact, did you know that on their next team together, red said to their team that ash is a top 20 player (factually inaccurate as of yet – ash placed 31 & 22). of course, red could have said that so that ash’s substitute would be someone with a high-ish average individual placement, instead of because of [GAY REASONS] (red is disproportionately attentive to ash’s contributions, red has a constant habit of talking up ash), but isn’t that forced indistinguishability between practical/greedy motivations and gay motivations the main appeal of swagdoons? yea. aaaand, generally in videos in which swagdoons are part of a larger group, they sort of gravitate towards each other and stick together. im a little obsessed with the small moment from boosfer’s “deepest fears” event of ash tossing his illegally acquired extra ballots into the vote collector in front of only red, as if they’re sharing a secret, and both boosfer and red including this into their edited videos. and only red has ash & boosfer’s “this is not a therapy session!!!” funny moment in his video. cuz he loves ash’s personality and random stories. also there’s the blink-or-you’ll-miss-it moment within all the chaos of boosfer’s video, in the spleef round, in which ash says “dev just tried murdering me” and red takes immediate note of it like “it’s dev, it’s dev.” (or something), and dev tries to justify himself but they end up spleefing each other into lava and red barely survives, eliminating dev who turned out to be the impostor all along!!! swagdoons power couple. AND in red’s video, he gives this lots of special focus (he zooms in on dev almost killing ash, then immediately kicks in boss music as red single-mindedly tries to eliminate dev for the rest of the round). umm. yea tl;dr i am obsessed with how red is stronger than ash in much of minecraft canon and yet red is utterly loyal and fixated on ash while ash primarily looks out for himself. best dynamic
you are amazing anon i am putting you out there
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thi$ i$ you now ^^^^ bigbrain
( and winkwonk thi$ i$ why i love a$h$wag god arc$ every time to put another $pin on it )
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doggernaut · 5 months
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INJURY FIC INJURY FIC
Oh hello, you've found the fic most likely to be published sometime soon, if only because when I was looking at it I realized it's really just a short little Jack character study and only needs a little bit of work to make it publishable.
I have posted about this more on my main Tumblr account, but I'm a runner and in the past year and a half have been struggling with what seems like endless post-Covid lung issues and injuries. I went from running a PR marathon in April of 2022 to barely being able to run three miles at a pace five minutes slower than my PR pace. For somebody who has never really had to contend with injuries over almost 30 years of running (I took several months off when I strained my calf in 2016, but got into barre classes during that time), it has been humbling. And frustrating. I spend like an hour a day doing my stupid PT exercises and it feels like I've accomplished nothing. And I figured I could take all my feelings about being an aging athlete and give them to Jack. Because you know who would be pissed off about being forced to slow down due to a minor injury? Jack Zimmermann.
(Projecting all of my feelings onto Jack, by the way, has not really helped. But maybe other readers will see themselves in this fic and feel not-so-alone?)
“Can you explain it to me?” Bitty asks. “Euh … I’ll try.” Jack isn’t sure if he can explain what he’s feeling to Bitty because he’s not sure he understands it himself.  Bitty gives Jack’s shoulder a little squeeze, a nonverbal cue that he’s ready to listen whenever Jack’s ready. It takes Jack a minute to gather his thoughts. “I know I need to rest,” Jack begins. “I know I need to slow down and let things run their course, and I know it’s good for my body. Healing. But my mind just …” Bitty presses a kiss to the back of Jack’s neck. “I know.” “Sometimes my thoughts get a little out of control,” Jack admits. “Not in a bad way. Not like before. But I’ve been wondering if this is it. Maybe this time I won’t heal. Or I’ll fall so far out of shape that I’ll never get back to where I was. And I’ll just keep falling behind until they tell me I’m done. I’m not as young as I used to be. There are new guys who are faster, hungrier. Whenever I face off against some young kid I think about how I was at eighteen, how I thought guys my age had one foot out the door.” “Well, first of all,” Bitty murmurs soothingly, “nobody is gonna tell the Jack Zimmermann that he’s done.” Jack manages a smile in spite of himself. “I know it’s not rational.” Bitty presses another kiss, feather-light, to the back of Jack’s neck. “Honey, I know how you feel about slowing down, but maybe you should try to change the narrative,” he says gently. “What do you mean?” “Well, instead of telling yourself you’re lazy, try thinking of it as recovering. Right now the best thing you can do for yourself is rest a little so you can start the new season healthy and strong. When’s the last time you gave yourself permission to slow down?
Permission? That’s a new concept. Jack can’t recall ever giving himself permission to slow down. His overdose forced him to slow down, but that wasn’t a choice. This doesn’t feel like a choice either, but Bitty is right. Jack’s been in therapy long enough to know that there’s a difference between then and now, that slowing down now is something he has to do if he wants to keep moving forward.  “Just remember,” Bitty adds, “every rest day, every easy PT session, is an investment in a stronger, more resilient you. And it’s all gonna pay off big time next season.” “You’re good at this. You sure you don’t want to get into coaching?” “Oh, it’s hardly me at all! I’ve just been spending a lot of time on the inspirational, body positive side of Instagram.” “You have?” Seven years together, and Bitty’s still surprising Jack. Bitty shrugs. “I know it was a million years ago, but I used to be an athlete, too. Long enough ago that my body definitely isn’t the same.” There’s a hint of resignation in Bitty’s tone. “I know that’s not a bad thing, but it’s still hard to accept sometimes. Especially living with you, looking like you do.”  “Bits, you’ve never said anything,” Jack says, feeling a little guilty for not picking up on the fact that Bitty’s been going through this too. “And I wasn’t gonna,” Bitty says, “because most days I don’t think about it. My life is a lot different now, and that’s a good thing! But I can’t lift as much as I used to at the gym, and you know I can’t always keep up with you on our morning runs. And it’s my choice, I know. I’m happy with my yoga class and running most mornings and doing the Turkey Trot once a year, but sometimes it’s still—” Bitty shrugs. “Honey, you’re a professional athlete. It’s hard not to compare myself to you. Or who I was just a few years ago, for that matter. So I follow a few accounts that help keep things in perspective. There’s this whole community of former athletes, and people who are recovering from illness or injury, and people who are just starting on their fitness journey, and they remind me I’m not alone. Your pace isn’t my pace, and that’s okay.”   Jack laughs in spite of himself. “Okay, now you sound like an influencer.” “And you honey—” Bitty places a gentle hand on Jack’s chest—“your pace today doesn’t have to be your pace yesterday, or last year. We’re all works in progress.”
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shedidntevenswear · 1 year
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It’s my 30th birthday!
which means i’ve had this exact tumblr account for literally half of my life lol embarrassing
Because I am my mother(Taylor Swift)’s daughter, I decided to take a page from her book and share 30 things I’ve learned in my 30 years of life so far:
It’s the people, it’s the people, IT’S THE PEOPLE. In anything you do, any space you inhabit, the people around you are what actually matters, not the dogma or the process or whatever. Act accordingly. 
Some things can go to the group chat instead of out on the internet.
Listening without trying to fix things is an important skill, especially when talking to yourself. 
Therapy is worth the money. 
Not everything that is great or meant for you is meant to last forever. Embrace ephemera.
You really can find everything you need on NOT Amazon, it just takes a little more work. Generally the work is worth it. 
Different things work for different people, you don’t need to apply whats best for someone else to yourself and you definitely don’t get to decide that what’s right for you is how everyone should be living. 
I read so much more after embracing audiobooks and 2x speed. 
Liking things is so much cooler and more fun than hating things.
WEAR SUNSCREEN EVEN WHEN YOU DONT THINK YOU NEED IT.
The best way to live in community is with a soft front and a strong back. 
Getting outside and moving my body actually does make me feel better, damn it.
Take the Uber sometimes. Don’t be a hero.
You can’t always believe everything you read on the internet. 
Relatedly, you don’t always have to believe the opinions of people on the internet about you or the things you care about. You don’t always have to give the same weight to the things internet people say as you would to people who know you. 
Feelings need to be felt. 
Things you enjoy doing are worth doing even if you aren’t “good” at them. 
I’ve learned how to be alone with myself without descending into crippling loneliness immediately #justextrovertthings
Check the weather before you leave the house.
Certainty isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The vulnerability that comes from uncertainty is where connection happens. 
It’s actually totally fine to eat the same thing every day if you are getting the fuel you need and you like how it tastes. Not everyone has to be a chef.
Opinions are not facts. 
You’ll enjoy life so much more if you just let yourself have a little treat every day. 
You can have fantastic, budget-friendly European vacations if you simply don’t care about the quality of where you sleep. (aka I’ve slept on a lot of overnight buses and in the most basic BnBs)
Nine times out of ten, it’s not personal. People are thinking more about themselves than they are ever thinking about you when making the decision to do or say something. 
There are so many things out of my control. Wisdom is realizing what I can control, and satisfaction comes from concentrating my effort there and letting go of the rest. 
There *are* good men out there, they are just exceptionally hard to find. Very few of them are single though. 
The goal of life is not to be a “good” person, it’s to be a person who does good and acknowledges and apologizes and improves when they’ve done something bad. 
Nobody notices or cares if you wear the same shirt two or three days in a row when you work over Zoom. Save those laundry coins. 
It’s never too late to start something new. Discovery and learning new skills and trying new things has no age limit. 
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