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markonasurface · 7 years

Text

Orontium

Fandom: The 100

Characters/Relationship(s): Bellamy, Clarke, Octavia, Miller, Monty, Jasper, Harper, Abby/Bellarke, background MontyxHarper

Word count: 9.7k

Summary: After Clarke leaves, Bellamy won’t talk to anyone. He has panic attacks when people get too close and everything just gets worse when he’s no longer allowed to leave Arkadia. His friends try and fail to fix him. They probably all know there’s only one person who can bring him back.

A/N: I wrote this without concern for the plot in the actual show. I was inspired by bellamyblake’s post sometime last year which you’ll find under the read more.

I started this a while ago when I saw this post

need a post s2 fic about Bellamy becoming silent after Clarke left, he just stopped talking and everyone’s trying to get to him but it’s not working. He gets panic Attacks when people get too close to him. After three months (or longer) Clarke is coming back or maybe Bellamy meets her surprisingly in the woods while he was wandering around trying to get lost (he is not allowed to go on missions anymore since he doesn’t talk and that makes him not talk even more) and she’s the only one to get him to talk. She stays with him then and helps him finding his voice again and deals with his fear of being with other people. And slowly Bellamy comes back and so does Clarke. I want all the angst and pain and crying and I want a happy ending ayyyyy 😊

by bellamyblake. I decided to finish writing it.

“This is bullshit, Bellamy!” Octavia slammed her fist down on the table and her chair toppled over.

Bellamy stared at the mug in his hand while everyone else stared at his sister. For a moment the only sound was Octavia’s angry breaths, then all at once there was the clinking of cups, loud talking, and Simon resumed whatever song he had been playing on the piano.

“It’s been two months, Big Brother,” she said more gently and a little bit sad. “You need to move on with life.”

He refused to look at her even as she left him alone in the middle of the crowded room. He liked being alone anyway.

Bellamy’s chest tightened as an old friend wrapped his arms around his shoulders.

The others had been about to go on a supply run - something Bellamy had long been banned from - when the sentries had noticed a group of people headed toward Arkadia. The group consisted of most of the people from the dropship that had been unaccounted for.

There were many happy reunions and deep in the back of his mind Bellamy knew that this should be one of them. Manny had been his only friend in space. Instead his breaths were becoming shorter and more painful. He felt dizzy.

“Bellamy? Are you okay?” Manny was alarmed.

Bellamy tried to shrug off his friend’s hands on his shoulders but he stumbled and Manny held on tighter. His eyes wide, he shook his head and clumsily swatted at his hands. He couldn’t remember how to form words out loud anymore.

He looked past Manny and saw Miller laughing with a boy and a girl. He willed Miller to look over at them. Black spots dotted his sight. Finally, his eyes shifted in their direction as Bellamy gasped and tears blurred his vision.

Miller’s smile fell as he realized what was happening. “Hey, hey, hey, hey.” He came quickly and pushed Manny back, away from Bellamy.

Bellamy fell onto his butt and pulled his knees to his chest, rocking a bit as he tried to remember how to breathe. A half circle had formed around him.

“What the hell?” Manny demanded.

“He doesn’t like to be touched,” Miller explained, still keeping his eyes on Bellamy to make sure he didn’t pass out. “We’ve all been through shit and we’re all dealing with it, yeah?”

Miller briefly met the eyes of the people closest to them to make sure they understood. Then he turned back, “C’mon, Blake.”

Bellamy pushed himself up off the ground and walked with Miller until they reached his room. With every step they took that got him farther away from the crowd, the easier he could breathe. He pulled out his key card and unlocked his door.

Miller huffed out a breath and Bellamy glanced at him. “Tell us how to fix you, man. We all miss you. Just ... tell us what you need.”

When Bellamy wouldn’t meet his gaze, he nodded. “Get some rest.”

“Bell-my, Bell Amie, Bell Lee?” Jasper slurred and tripped over a rock. He grunted and rolled over so that he was on his back. “What’re - What’re you doing - out here?”

Bellamy shrugged.

“Yeah, me, too,” he continued. “You know ... I-I-I was on a - I was on a run - supply and you ... not there? They let me go but - not you.”

He laughed even though there was nothing funny to laugh at.

“Maybe you should leave, too?”

It was said as a wandering thought as Jasper passed out for the night, but as Bellamy rolled him onto his side in case he threw up, he thought it might be a good idea.

All he could see were blistering faces. He saw the men who strung him up and kept him caged and thought, ‘good for them.’ But he didn’t feel happy or relieved or vengeful. He felt sick.

Then he saw Maya. The whites of her eyes were red with blood, her lips cracked.

She collapsed and Jasper was there, cradling her in his arms. He glared up at Bellamy and Bellamy took a step back.

Jasper sported the same look as Mount Weather’s people. Dried out skin, bloody eyes.

Suddenly he was surrounded by the kids remaining from the hundred he had arrived with. Monty, Raven, Harper, Miller, even Finn.

Then there she was.

Clarke looked at Bellamy and blood streamed down her cheeks. She’s crying.

“Look what we’ve done,” she said, but he couldn’t hear her. All around them people - children - were crying and moaning in agony. He felt her squeeze his hand and looked down.

His had was blistered and bleeding, too.

“Bellamy.”

“Bellamy, wake up!”

His eyes flew open and he screamed. Monty took a step backwards, arms raised to show Bellamy that he wasn’t touching him.

“I was monitoring the halls and heard you yelling,” he explained. “You were having a nightmare.”

A sound came from his throat, raw and painful. His vision was blurry and he blinked to try to see clearly again. When he realized he was crying, he touched his cheeks, confused.

He curled onto his side, sobbing. This was different from all the other times he couldn’t breathe and ended up in tears. Everything hurt inside of him and wouldn’t stop.

“Bellamy,” Monty spoke softly. “I’m here when you’re ready to talk. We’re all here.”

But that wasn’t true. They both knew it.

It was a dark, cold day when they ran into Clarke.

Monty had been trying to lift a crate but his arms were tired from carrying Jasper from the dropship to camp to the rover without Bellamy’s help. He heard a branch snap and his head whipped around.

“Clarke?” Raven’s voice was full of disbelief.

Before she had a chance to answer, Octavia had her pushed back into a tree, one hand at her throat. The others rushed over, protesting. “Where have you been?”

“I told Bellamy I needed to leave for a little bit.” Clarke didn’t try to break free but her eyes shifted from face to face to face.

“Well, that’s great for you,” she sneered. “You fucking broke my brother!”

“Bellamy? Where is h -”

Octavia tightened her grip until Clarke gagged. “Do you know what a little bit is? It sure as hell isn’t three months!”

“I know,” Clarke gasped. “I’m sorry.”

Raven put a hand on Octavia’s shoulder to get her to loosen her hold. “Come back with us.”

Clarke shook her head. “I can’t. I have important work to do at Polis.”

“Maybe you can fix Bellamy,” Monty stepped closer and pulled Octavia away from Clarke. She fell to her knees and let out a little cough. “He won’t talk and if anyone gets too close, he freaks out.”

She grimaced. “I can’t.”

“None of us can get through to Bellamy, not even me,” Octavia shouted. “And you just ‘can’t’ even try?”

“I’m sorry, Octavia.”

“Just the man I was looking for.” Raven looked up from the metal pieces in front of her. “Stop looking so confused. I need you to hold this in place for me.”

She beckoned him over, then reached out and pulled him closer by the hand. She felt him stiffen but ignored it. Helping him replace her hands with his, she continued talking normally, “Harper was supposed to help me but Monty said she’s sick. Just one more perk of coming to the ground, right?”

“So I guess that means Monty has double clean up duty now. Harper and Jasper. Miller and I have a bet going. How long until Harper and Monty get together?”

She grabbed a screwdriver and then moved Bellamy’s hands to another place on the device in front of them. “Jasper’s spiraling. He won’t talk to Monty at all these days. It’s sort of miserable having someone, then not having them, you know.”

Raven looked up at Bellamy. “At least Nathan has Bryan and Octavia has Lincoln, right? When I lost Finn - both times - I was angry and hurt. If it weren’t for you guys, I probably would’ve went crazy. In a way, I think - sometimes I think we were all lucky. We ended up with each other. We still have each other.”

Bellamy refused to look up from his hands.

“You’re right,” she smirked. “It was our need to survive that kept me sane; you guys had nothing to do with it.”

Bellamy was tired of the stares. He just wanted to be left alone. He didn’t want to be the “hero” who had helped massacre an entire group of people. He didn’t want to be the freak who couldn’t handle someone brushing arms with him in the hallway. He was tired of alternating between feeling sick and feeling empty. He just wanted to be alone.

Jasper had been right. Leaving was his best option.

A backpack on his shoulders, his gun tucked into a holster at his hip, he snuck past the guards at the gate and into the forest. It wasn’t hard to do. After all, he had helped make the plans for the gate and helped with creating the guard schedule.

He made his way to the clearing where he and the nearly one hundred juvenile delinquents had taken their first breath of earth air. He remembered looking at Clarke that first day and thinking this girl would never leave their people behind.

“Bellamy?”

He had lost count of how many times people had said his name just hoping to get one word out of him over the past three months. He didn’t think he even remembered what his own voice sounded like.

“What are you doing here?”

Clarke took a step forward and out of the dropship. Even though she was there and he was at the edge of the clearing, he took a step back.

“Bellamy? What’s wrong?”

She walked to the middle of the clearing where the moonlight cast a pale glow on her face. Her eyebrows were drawn together in concern and Bellamy felt anger course through him.

“I hate you,” he croaked, surprising himself.

Her mouth fell open. She struggled to find her words. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, but Bellamy was already gone.

He didn’t know why he returned the next night. There was no reason for her to stick around, especially not after he had declared his apparent hatred for her, but he still felt disappointed.

With each passing night, he found himself hoping a little more that she would be there.

It was on a night when the moon was full and Bellamy was sitting in the center of the clearing that she did return. She stepped past the line of trees and tilted her head at him.

“I want to help you,” she told him, quietly. “That’s why I was coming back to Arkadia.”

He stared at her and the wave of emotions that crashed over him was exhilarating and scary. He had forgotten he could feel so much.

“I know you hate me -” She stopped when he shook his head. “I just want to help. Can I come a little closer?”

“Okay.” She took five steps into the clearing when he only stared at her.

Bellamy felt his heart racing and his throat threatening to close. His eyes grew wide and she stopped mid step.

She sat crosslegged where she was and bit her lip. “If you don’t hate me, why did you say you did when I saw you two weeks ago?”

Because you’ve been gone for too long. He continued staring.

“Why did you stop talking?”

I don’t know.

“When did you stop talking?”

When it all became too much and you still didn’t come back.

“Did - I make you stop talking?”

Yes - no.

Finally, she realized they weren’t getting anywhere and she fell silent. She watched him and he watched her.

“We should move inside. It’s not the safest out here.” She stood up. He eyed her wearily. “You go in first. You can sleep upstairs and I’ll sleep downstairs. Okay?”

When Clarke woke in the morning she knew he was gone. She debated whether she should make it all the way to Arkadia or just stay at the drop ship.

Even if she came back to help Bellamy, she still wasn’t ready to come back to everyone else. She didn’t know if he would even return now that she had shown up twice. She just had to wait and see.

Clarke spent the day hunting and foraging. When she stepped foot into the clearing after the sun set, Bellamy was there, sitting under the circle of moonlight.

“You came back.”

Bellamy’s mouth twitched.

Clarke took five steps forward. She made it one step closer than the night before when Bellamy’s eyes started getting too big and she could see him holding his breath.

That was all the progress they made but every night he returned and every night she made it at least one step closer to him.

Two weeks later Clarke woke up to find Bellamy asleep on the first level of the drop ship. Even in sleep his eyebrows were furrowed and he looked worried.

It was surprising to find him so close after she watched him break down the night before. Every night she had woken up to him thrashing around in his sleep. When she heard him crying out, she climbed the ladder between their floors as quickly as her feet would carry her.

It was then that he spoke his first words since the night he told her he hated her.

“They’re all dead,” he sobbed. “We’ve hurt them all.”

She understood because she was there, because she decided they needed to pull the lever. She wanted sleep to be the escape she needed from thinking about Mount Weather but it wasn’t. Instead they followed her into her dreams. They turned her dreams into nightmares.

So she cried with him.

As if he sensed her watching him, his eyes shot open and he sat up.

Her heart skipped a beat and she bit her lip to stop herself from giggling, a drastic change from what she was feeling just a moment ago. “Good morning.”

She thought her eyes were deceiving her but Bellamy Blake was giving her an honest to God smile. She eagerly returned it, still biting her lip.

His eyes wandered the ship and he noticed the light filtering in from outside. Quickly, he stood up and ran outside, then into the trees.

“Where’ve you been?” Octavia questioned when she saw Bellamy approaching the gate. “I’ve been worried sick about you!”

Bellamy shrugged. He walked into Arkadia, Octavia following behind.

“You can’t just not let anyone know you’re leaving!” she continued berating him.

She grabbed his arm when they reached his room. He froze, shuddering, but his sister didn’t let go.

“Don’t do that again,” she warned. She gave a final squeeze before dropping his arm and walking away.

One more step and she would be able to reach out and touch him. They had gotten this far one week ago but he had a panic attack and she quickly backed off. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t handle being touched. He knew it was coming, he wanted her to be able to touch him again, but when her fingers brushed against the back of his hand, his body instinctually stopped working how he wanted it to.

He felt his heart beating in his chest and thought she must be hearing it, it was so loud. He could see she was holding her breath. Achingly slow, she was reaching for him now.

Her hand reached up and he squeezed his eyes shut. Her thumb was on his chin and he flinched.

Her pointer finger tapped his cheek and his eyes burned.

Her middle finger rested on his cheekbone and his chest was too tight.

Her ring finger smoothed over his stubble and his knees felt too weak to hold him up.

Finally, her pinky finger joined the rest of her hand firmly on his face and they both fell to their knees.

“It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay,” she repeated over and over, her face close to his.

He shook his head, trying to remember to breathe as she wiped away his tears.

“Open your eyes, Bellamy.”

He did and the concern in her eyes didn’t match the horrible monster he made her out to be over the last months. He focused on her features. Her drawn eyebrows. Her intense eyes. The slight bump in the bridge of her nose. Her chapped lips.

Bellamy forgot about himself and the intense fear he felt anytime someone got too close to him.

“I was so mad.”

His voice cracked and it hurt to talk, it had been so long.

“I know.” A tear leaked from the corner of Clarke’s eye and made its way down her cheek.

Bellamy caught it with the tip of his finger.

“I-I missed you.” His voice was gravelly and he was trembling.

She had both hands on the sides of his neck and her shoulders slumped. “I know.” She tried to stifle a sob.

“I needed you.”

“I’m so sorry.”

That night he laid his sleeping bag only a couple of feet away from hers. She whispered to him late into the night and though his answers were short, he was responding and that made her not want to sleep.

In the morning he tentatively touched her hand. He looked at her, eyes imploring, and tilted his head in the general direction of Arkadia.

Clarke shook her head. “I - can’t - I’m not ready, yet.”

Bellamy nibbled on his lower lip and studied her face, swallowed and asked, “Tonight?”

Once again, she shook her head. “I won’t be ready then either.”

“You can ... sneak in?” He paused. “My room?”

Her face felt hot but this time she nodded.

“Okay.” His smile was shaky but she didn’t have time to worry about it because he was already running out the door.

Bellamy sat on the edge of his bed, tense. Maybe he made a mistake inviting Clarke to hide in his small cabin.

It was dark outside and she wasn’t here, yet. Maybe she thought so, too.

He had just decided to sneak out so she wouldn’t sneak in when there was a quiet tap on his door.

He hurried over, tripping on his own feet. He opened the door.

“What is she doing here?”

“O-Octavia?” Bellamy’s voice squeaked.

“I found her pacing outside your door, Big Brother.” Octavia’s voice was accusatory and Bellamy blanched. “Is this what you’ve spent your nights doing? Clarke?”

Octavia turned on Clarke, whose arm was firmly in her grasp. “That could be considered taking advantage. Bellamy hasn’t been okay, he hasn’t been able to talk and did you say my name?”

His eyes were wide and he nodded, blushing.

She shoved Clarke into the room and closed the door behind herself. “What the hell is going on?

“N-n-n -” Bellamy closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He couldn’t remember the last time he spoke actual words to Octavia. “Nothing. Clarke - she’s been helping me.”

“With what?” she pressed.

“Remember.”

Octavia growled. “Remember what?”

“I don’t know.” Bellamy was getting quieter.

Clarke noticed and felt herself getting upset with Octavia. Her brother finally speaks after months and she causes him to regress. “I’ve been trying to get him to trust others and I figured what better way than to get him to trust me again? I was also hoping to help him realize he won’t hurt people so he doesn’t have to be afraid of being close to others. I think that’s why he panics when other people get too close.”

Octavia’s eyes were still narrowed and she looked from Bellamy to Clarke and back again. There were obviously so many things she wanted to say. She was offended and a little jealous that the blonde who left was the one able to help her brother. She was angry at her for leaving in the first place and angry that Bellamy didn’t tell her. She was confused. She was happy. She was hurt.

Without another word, Octavia left.

Clarke and Bellamy both watched the door as if expecting her to return. Finally, Clarke turned to him.

“Are you okay?”

Bellamy nodded. Then he forced a word out of his throat. “Yes.”

She stepped forward and held out her hand to him and she was surprised when he took it immediately. They sat on the edge of his bed.

She talked about Polis and what was going on there. He told her that Jasper was angry and drunk. She told him about being taken to Polis. He told her that Raven’s pain was really bad. She told him about Lexa standing up for their people and fighting Roan but killing his mother. He told her he thought Harper was pregnant.

“What?” she laughed.

Bellamy grinned.

“Who’s she been seeing?” Clarke questioned.

“I think Monty.” Bellamy thought for a second. “When you’re quiet, you notice things.”

“I missed seeing you smile,” she admitted. She lifted her hand and stroked his cheek. Bellamy swallowed, then took a strand of her hair and twirled it around his finger.

His hand shook and she grabbed it in her own. “I’m tired. Let’s get some sleep.”

Bellamy nodded.

“I’ll sleep on the floor.” She stood and looked around for a spot.

“No.” Bellamy grabbed her hand and pulled her back to his bed. “It’s okay.”

“Bellamy?”

“Hm?”

“How bad is it?” she asked, watching his face.

He kept his eyes on the ceiling. “What?”

“The panic attacks,” she clarified. “When do they happen? Does it happen around everyone or just certain people? Is there anything that makes it better?”

He was quiet and she thought he had drifted off to sleep but then he whispered, “The first time it happened, we were on a scouting trip.”

He thought back to that day that felt so long ago now. He stumbled over his words at first but then he realized it was easier to talk about things in the dark. No one could see him and he couldn’t see how they were reacting.

“We ran into some Ice Nation warriors and Jasper’s been really stupid lately -”

“Grief can do that to a person,” Clarke commented quietly.

“They took him and cut his throat just a little bit, enough to make him bleed.” Bellamy swallowed and squeezed his eyes shut. “And I froze. I couldn’t look away. And the next thing I remember is one of them grabbing me and - and I couldn’t see straight anymore, everything was blurry and-and-and I couldn’t breathe -”

“Hey.” Clarke reached out and pulled at his hand which made him realize he had been clutching at his throat.

Bellamy took a steadying breath. “I passed out,” he finished the story. “And that’s when I got banned from leaving the camp. They could handle me not talking - Most of us - we’re good together when we go scouting or fight together, you know? We don’t need words.”

She nodded and released his hand. She did know. She used to be a part of them. She remembered what it was like not needing words and still having each other’s back and shouting out little cues just in case. Now she wasn’t so sure she’d survive a fight with anyone even if they planned it out to a T.

“It drove me crazy,” he said, his voice breaking. “I didn’t leave my room for a week. I just felt so - disconnected from everyone else.”

“And after that no one could touch you?” Clarke tried to keep her voice steady so he wouldn’t know she was crying.

“It’s not so bad when Octavia or Miller or Monty, Raven, the others - when they touch me - accidentally mostly - it’s just kind of a shock but I don’t, like, have a complete meltdown. But they’re scared that I will and I make them uncomfortable but they don’t think I should be left alone so someone is always babysitting me.”

He turned over and she quickly hid her face in her pillow.

“Goodnight, Bellamy,” she mumbled. More quietly she said, “I’m proud of you.”

And she thought he couldn’t hear but he did and it made him smile.

The next day Bellamy went in search of his friends. He found them around a table. They looked so happy - like it was a good day - and it made him happy.

He walked over and took a deep breath. “Hey, guys.”

Their laughter died and the smiles gave way to stunned expressions. Lincoln looked worriedly at Octavia who was glowering at Bellamy.

“He speaks!” Raven broke the silence. Monty, Harper, Monroe and Lincoln laughed albeit a little awkwardly. Octavia stayed silent.

“Have a seat,” Monroe pulled out a chair. “Lincoln was just telling us about an old saying.”

Lincoln regarded him wearily but nodded. “Right so this elder ...”

Bellamy listened to his friends talk and although he didn’t say anything else, he considered today progress.

Clarke came to him every night for the next week and they talked about anything and everything and he held her hand as they fell asleep. She would wake him up before she left and whisper, “I’m proud of you.”

Every day he tried to speak a little more to his friends and they tried to pretend they didn’t notice but he could see how happy it made them - how relieved. He saw it in the way their bodies didn’t tense up when he showed up or the way they didn’t hold their breath when one of the others accidentally touched him. All of their smiles grew a little wider and their eyes shone a little brighter each time he contributed to a conversation. Only Octavia seemed upset when he would speak.

During lunch at Monty’s one day, Octavia got up in the middle of Bellamy’s sentence and started to walk away. Lincoln grabbed her arm and said lowly, “Octavia.”

When he let go, she made her way to the door.

Bellamy got up and followed her out.

“O.”

“What do you want?” she kept walking away.

“I don’t know. I just want a chance to explain.” He kept following her. “Please. Octavia!”

She froze. Bellamy never rose his voice these days.

“What do you want to explain?” Octavia turned to face him. “How even though I’m the only family you’ve got, you went to her? That even though I’ve been here and she left, I couldn’t help you?”

“It’s not like that, O.” He looked sadly at her. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like that. I didn’t go to her. We ran into each other in the woods and I didn’t think she could help me and I didn’t want her to. I just wanted to hate her but - but seeing her made me remember -”

“Remember what?” Octavia had tears in her eyes. “Seriously, Bellamy, what? There’s that stupid word again.”

He wanted to tell her he didn’t know but he did know. He knew from the first night he saw Clarke again. “Remember how to feel. Because of her I feel happy -”

“I don’t make you feel happy? I’m your sister.”

“I feel happy when I see you and Monty and Harper and Lincoln. When you guys are happy, I feel happy. Now. I lost that after everything that happened.” He shrugged. “Everything was this dull ache in my chest, no matter how much I wanted it to be more.”

He paused.

“I don’t know how else to explain it and I-I don’t know what else to say. I’m just sorry that I hurt you. Since you were born, you were the one person that mattered to me.”

“And now there’s Clarke.”

It was the calmest he had heard her speak in a long while. It hadn’t been what he was trying to say but hearing it out loud ...

“I guess so.”

Waiting for Clarke to come that night was agonizing. Bellamy paced around his room trying to come up with the perfect words to say to her. His eyes wandered around his room. It was mostly bare except for the standard table, chairs and bed. He didn’t have much to keep but now Clarke’s gun was on his table and her extra hunting knife was on a chair.

A light knock on his door jarred him from his thoughts and he began panicking again. He ran a hand through his hair.

Clarke pushed open his door and peered inside.

“Hey.” She closed the door again and took off her jacket. She shook her head and raindrops fell off of her blonde hair. Stepping out of her boots, she looked up at him. “What’s up?”

“You’re beautiful.”

“What?”

Bellamy mentally kicked himself. He had run through a lot of lines in his head tonight, none of them starting with “You’re beautiful.”

He grinned sheepishly and blushed. “I said, ‘you’re beautiful.’”

Her face was red and she told him, “Um, thanks.”

“I meant to start with hello and work my way from there but -”

“It’s fine. You don’t need to explain yourself.”

Bellamy normally would’ve taken that as an out, but he needed to tell her. “I want to though.”

Clarke nodded slowly. “Okay.”

“Can you, um, just come sit down.”

They both sat on the edge of his bed. “Okay. So I just - I don’t know when it happened but - over the months that you were away ... I, uh, I guess I forgot how to feel.”

He looked up to see how she was reacting. She was chewing on her lip again and she didn’t say anything so he continued, “You know I couldn’t speak and being around other people made me ... uh, panic. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten how to feel until you were at the dropship.”

“O-kay.”

“I’m in love with you, Clarke.” He stared intently at her face, trying to find any indication he should just stop talking. “You - I don’t know how long. I’m pretty sure I’ve been in love with you since before you left and then when you tried to help me and stayed and didn’t get upset when we had to take a few steps back it made - I just am so in love with you. I love you.”

Clarke’s lips parted but nothing came out. Bellamy started to worry he had scared her and that she would leave Arkadia for good this time.

Then her hand was touching his cheek and he was honestly shocked. She leaned in closer and whispered, “I’m going to kiss you now.”

When she didn’t move in, he realized she was waiting for his permission so he nodded and closed his eyes.

Clarke carefully touched his lips with hers, kissing him softly. She pulled away and looked up at him. His eyes opened slowly.

“Okay?”

In answer, he leaned forward and kissed her again. She grabbed his hand and placed it on her neck and deepened the kiss. She pulled him down so that they were laying on their sides.

When they separated, he breathed hard, trying to catch his breath. His eyes were squeezed shut and a familiar panic came over him.

“Bellamy, look at me,” Clarke spoke softly but urgently. “Open your eyes. Hey.”

She smiled when he did as she said. “You’re okay. You’re with me.”

He pulled her closer and pushed his face into her neck, trying to breathe deeply. She ran her fingers lightly over his back. “I’m here.”

“I’ll only be gone for three days,” Clarke promised.

Bellamy stared at her. Last time you said only a little while.

She sat back down on the bed so she could lean over and kiss him. “See you soon,” she whispered.

He nodded and when the door clicked behind her he pulled his blankets tighter around him. I’m okay, he reminded himself.

“Bellamy!”

He opened his eyes to find Raven leaning over him. Realizing he fell asleep, he rubbed at his face.

“You were supposed to meet me an hour ago,” she told him. She limped over to a chair and grabbed the shirt off of it. She threw it at him. “Hurry up.”

He nodded. “I’m coming.”

On day three Bellamy was torn between hope and dread. Don’t worry about it.

“C’mon, Bellamy,” Miller complained. “You and Monty still have to get Jasper.”

He shoved his plate of untouched food over to Lincoln and stood to follow the others out of the Common area.

“I think he made it back to his room this time,” Monty informed him.

His door was unlocked and Bellamy wrinkled his nose when they stepped through the door and were hit with a sour stench. He tried not to gag.

They rolled Jasper over, then Monty took his arms and Bellamy took his legs and they hauled him off of the bed. Jasper was a rock, solid dead weight.

When they got to the rover, they placed him on the cement and Miller poured a pitcher of cold water over his head. Jasper spluttered.

He sat up and glared at the others around him.

“Okay, guys.” Raven said, pulling herself up and into the vehicle. “Time to go.”

They piled in and rode in silence for an hour. They took a path Bellamy had never seen before and he realized how long it’d been since he was last allowed out to scout or do runs with the others.

“We’ve gotta pull over,” Harper moaned.

“Seriously?” Miller asked. “How long has it been now?”

“Have you gone to see Abby?” Raven questioned, looking for a good place to stop.

Bellamy shifted his eyes over to Monty who was staring at his hands in his lap. Monty looked up at Bellamy but Bellamy just continued to stare at him.

Miller leaned forward between the passenger and driver seats and grabbed the walkie talkie. “Hey, Octavia,” he spoke into the little device.

“What?”

“We’re pulling over.” The rover stopped and Harper threw open her door, falling out onto the ground.

“We’re not even to the clearing, yet,” she grunted.

Harper retched and Miller looked at her open door in disgust. “McIntyre’s puking. Again.”

They waited for a response but Octavia’s side went silent.

“Octavia?”

“Next time she stays home.” Octavia’s horse sidled up next to Raven’s window.

Raven reached out and put a hand on the horse’s muzzle. “I’ll take her to see Abby when we get back.”

Bellamy waited all night. He paced around his room until the confined space became too much. Then he took off, sneaking out of Arkadia and finding his way to the dropship.

He watched the sun rise and only then did he force himself to accept the truth.

Clarke wasn’t coming.

Lying down in the middle of the clearing, he stared up at the sky. She wasn’t coming and he had to find a way to be okay with that. He reminded himself that he knew better.

Still, his chest ached.

He couldn’t go back to Arkadia just now. He sat up and pulled his knife out. Cutting a piece of loose thread off of his pants, he decided.

He wasn’t going home.

If Clarke could leave so could he.

He woke up one night, covered in sweat and breathing hard. He tried to steady his breathing but the darkness was smothering him.

“You like to be alone,” he whispered to himself. “It’s better this way.”

Sitting up, his hands felt around on the little coffee table. His fingers closed around a tiny box and he opened it, pulling a small stick out. Finding the rough side of the box he lit the match.

He put the flame to the wick of a candle and breathed a little easier. He took in his surroundings as he did every night, and just as they did every night, his eyes found the blood stain from when Finn killed a grounder.

Nobody would look for him here. It didn’t have enough meaning to anyone and to her, it had too much meaning.

He pulled his knees up to his chest and rubbed his arms. It was cold at night and this metal box offered no warmth. The flimsy blanket he used had too many holes to be effective.

This is better, he reminded himself. Better than feeling alone, surrounded by friends. Better than risking freaking out when someone gets near him.

But he was hungry. There were little to no animals in the area and edible plants were dying.

In the morning, he would go back to the dropship. Clarke had stored food there. He just hoped she hadn’t taken it with her back to Polis.

“Bellamy!”

They were searching for him in pairs. So far he had avoided Monty and Raven and Jasper and Miller. It was too exhausting. He was weak from not eating enough.

Branches seemed to be reaching out to scratch at his face and pull at his hair. Roots tangled around his feet and he tripped so many times he lost count.

Finally, he saw a glint of silver through some bushes. He stumbled into a tree.

“Bellamy?”

He tried to push away from the tree into thicker foliage but someone grabbed his arm. He struggled but simply didn’t have the energy.

“Hey,” Kane now had both hands on his arms. “Do you know how long we’ve been looking for you?”

He reached down and grabbed a walkie talkie from his belt. “This is Kane. I’ve got him - hey!”

Bellamy went slack and Kane dropped the walkie talkie to catch him. He lowered him to the ground. He picked up the walkie talkie again and said, “Lincoln, bring the horse. Dropship.”

“Shh, he’s waking up.”

“Move out of the way. Bellamy? Can you hear me?” Abby was leaning over him. He swallowed, his mouth was dry and his tongue felt too big. “You’re in the Infirmary in Arkadia. You fainted.”

He tried to sit up but Abby held him down by his shoulder. “Don’t try to sit up, yet.” She looked back at someone. “Go get him some water.”

Bellamy looked down and saw that one wrist was cuffed to the bed and his free arm had a couple of tubes connected and taped down.

Abby noticed him noticing and told him, “You were malnourished and dehydrated. We’re getting some nutrients back into your system.”

Miller came back with a cup of water and Abby helped Bellamy lift his head to drink. He gulped it down.

“Do you know how long you’ve been gone?” She paused, waiting, then answered her own question, “Three weeks. Where were you?”

Bellamy looked away.

“You’re going to get yourself killed.”

Her voice conveyed how how scary that was but he only shrugged.

Suddenly a hand was on his face forcing him to look up into Raven’s angry face. “What’s that supposed to mean? Huh? You don’t care if you get yourself killed?”

“Raven,” Miller put a hand on her shoulder but she shrugged him off.

“No, no,” she continued. “Say it, Bellamy. Tell me you don’t care if you die. Tell me you don’t care that we’re friends now - that we’re a fucking family. That’s what we are now - even if Jasper hates most of us right now and most of us hate Clarke -”

Bellamy winced and Raven let out a short mocking laugh. “This is what it’s about? Clarke left and now you want to die?”

Her nails dug into his skin. “It’s been months, Bellamy. We’ve all been here with you, trying to get through to you. Who the hell are you? Cause I don’t recognize this pathetic little - baby - that’s trying to get himself killed over a girl. And neither would your sister if she would just wake up and stop dying!

“Oh, that’s right. You don’t know, yet. While you were somewhere, drowning yourself in self-pity, we were out there looking for you. Your sister -”

“Raven -”

“She was out there getting stabbed because she wouldn’t stop looking for you!” Raven pushed his face away. “Fuck you, Bellamy.”

A few days later they removed the handcuffs from Bellamy.

“Do you want to see your sister?” Abby asked. She grabbed his arm and helped him stand on shaky legs. “Got it?”

She led him past empty sick beds until they reached one blocked off by a curtain. Abby pushed the curtain to one side and Bellamy sucked in a sharp breath.

His sister lay completely still. Her face was pale and sweat lined her brow.

“Her fever finally broke today,” Abby informed him. “Her wound is producing less pus. We just have to wait for her to wake up which shouldn’t be too long.”

Bellamy nodded, relief flooding through his veins. “I’m sorry, O,” he muttered.

Abby finished checking Octavia’s vitals and wrote them down a paper. She placed it on the side of the bed before returning her attention to Bellamy. “You can sleep in your room tonight but I want to see you back here in the morning.” She looked past Bellamy toward the entrance. “Harper, hi.”

Abby moved around the bed and went to meet Harper.

“That thing we talked about?” Harper clasped her hands in front of her. Her voice was tight, like she was trying not to cry. “I can’t tell him. I tried today but I can’t do it. It’s gonna - I can’t - he -”

“He already knows,” Bellamy heard himself saying. He turned away from Octavia.

Harper looked at him like she just realized he was there. “What?” He watched the blood drain from her face.

“Monty knows,” Bellamy repeated, Raven’s words about them being a family running through his head. “He’s a smart guy.”

“What is it you think you know he knows?” She tucked her hair behind her ear and took a step toward Bellamy.

“You’re pregnant. Monty loves you and he’s a good guy. Just talk to -”

Harper interrupted, looking horrified. “Have you told anyone?”

“Just Clarke but -”

Both women gasped and Bellamy realized what he just revealed.

“You’ve seen her?”

Bellamy looked at his feet, shrugging, and started walking toward the door. He kept his head down.

“Bellamy?” Abby grabbed his arm but he pulled it from her grasp. “Where is she? Bellamy, please.”

She grabbed the back of his shirt and her voice broke. “Please, is she okay? Where is she?”

“I don’t know!” Bellamy shouted. “She left. That’s what she’s good at, okay?”

He stormed out of the room wanting more than anything to leave again, but he knew he couldn’t. Not when he didn’t even know how to survive by himself anymore. Not when his sister was so close to dying because of him.

He ignored the looks everyone gave him as he passed them in the hall. He didn’t want to be looked at the way they were all looking at him. Like he was crazy. Like he was pathetic, a basket case, someone to be pitied.

“Move,” he grunted when he saw Miller and Monty in front of his door.

“Just promise us you won’t do anything crazy when you see her,” Miller said.

“I don’t think you should go in,” Monty added.

Bellamy raised his eyebrows. “What?”

“Clarke,” Monty lowered his voice and reached out a hand. He refrained from touching him. “She’s in your room right now. I don’t think right now is a good time for you to be seeing her.”

“And I don’t think I’m the person you should be worrying about when Harper is at the infirmary with Abby freaking out about -”

“I get it,” Monty said, his nostrils flaring. “But I’m just saying you should take a minute and think about if now is really the right time to get into things with her.”

Bellamy studied his face, trying to figure out what he meant. “I noticed the collection of things being added to your room. An extra jacket, knives that don’t belong to you ...”

Miller cleared his throat. “I have no idea what either of you is talking about but if you guys need me, you know where to find me.”

Neither broke their stare to watch him leave.

“Go see Harper, Monty.” Bellamy finally sighed. He took a deep breath and walked into his room.

Clarke whirled around. “Bellamy,” she breathed and rushed forward. She reached up to touch his face but he pulled away.

“What are you doing here?” he demanded.

“I saw Kane and Lincoln pick you up,” she explained. “So I snuck in to wait for you but I guess my mom had you on lockdown?”

Bellamy shrugged.

“Where’ve you been, Bellamy?”

“Where’ve you been?” he countered.

Clarke’s lips parted. “I’ve been worried something happened to you. I haven’t seen you in three weeks. No one had.”

“Now you know how the rest of us felt when you were gone for three months.”

He ignored the look of shock and hurt on her face. “Just go, Clarke. I can’t do this.”

“You can’t ... do this?” Clarke was obviously offended. “I-I-I - You’re the one who left without telling anyone where you were going. When I left I told you I was leaving.”

“Yeah, for a little while!” he shouted.

“I know three months isn’t a little while, I know, okay?” Clarke yelled back. “But I came back for you! The others said you needed help so I came back!”

Bellamy rolled his eyes. “You never really came back, did you?”

“I’m here. Right now. I’m home.”

“Home isn’t a place you only come for a few hours of sleep. It isn’t somewhere where you sneak in and out to avoid seeing everyone who cares about you.”

“Well, then, I guess I don’t have a home right now. Does that make you happy?”

He shook his head. It made him sad. Sitting on the bed, he sighed. Just like leaving was what Clarke did best these days, it was beginning to look like sighing was becoming Bellamy’s thing.

“I get why you left. You felt like a monster killing all those innocent people in Mount Weather. You knew every time you looked at one of our friends, one of our people, you would see the face of a child dying of radiation poisoning. You didn’t think you could handle our people seeing you as a monster, or worse as a hero.”

Clarke closed her eyes and tears rolled down her cheeks. It was like he was reading her mind.

“I felt like a monster killing all those innocent people in Mount Weather.” She flinched, his words a knife in the gut. Every word after felt like he was twisting the knife. “I still do. Every time I had to drag Jasper out of a puddle of vomit or help Monty carry him to his room I saw Maya, her skin falling off, her eyes bleeding. I’ve had people give me dirty looks and curse me for killing innocents. I’ve also had people telling me how amazing I am and how they all deserved to die. It’s made me sick. Literally.

“I was so mad at you. I wanted to blame you for everything that went wrong. When I found out about Octavia I wanted to blame you for that, too. But,” He shrugged. “I could’ve asked you to stay, but I didn’t. Every day you were gone, I wished you would come back and I resented you when you didn’t. I wanted you to -”

“Share the burden,” she finished for him. She swallowed. “You didn’t let me pull the trigger alone.”

He nodded. “It’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid. I left because I knew you would stay,” she admitted. “I’m sorry.”

She felt him take her hand and fell against him. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I should’ve come home a long time ago.”

He wrapped his arms around her and held on tight. Her body shook with how hard she was crying. “Come home now.”

“Everyone hates me,” she choked out.

“I don’t.” He rubbed her back. “I mean, I know those were the first words I spoke in three months, but - After three months you’d think I would’ve been thinking very carefully about what I wanted my first words to be, huh?”

She laughed. It was pathetic. “I’m not ready,” she hiccuped.

“You don’t have to be.” Bellamy tucked her hair behind her ear. “You just have to decide to do it.”

He wasn’t surprised when she whispered her goodbyes early the next morning. Despite the fact that he tiredly begged her not to go, she wiggled out of his arms, into her pants, and out the door.

When he next opened his eyes, sunlight was peaking through his curtain and someone was knocking on his door. “I’m coming,” his voice was rough with sleep.

Monty stood there, an eyebrow raised. He stuck his head around Bellamy and said, “No blood, no body. Everything went okay last night?”

Bellamy thought for a second then said, “Yeah. We talked is all.”

“People reported hearing yelling from your room last night and Miller had to assure them you didn’t need to be checked on.”

“She said some things, I said some things ...”

“Where’s she been?” Monty asked.

Bellamy scratched at his shoulder absently. “Around. Most recently Polis.”

“How long has she been staying with you?”

“She hasn’t,” Bellamy cleared his throat. “She’s just come to see me a few times.”

Monty’s eyes told Bellamy that his mind was racing with hundreds of questions and scenarios. “Why hasn’t she been to talk to her mom?”

“I don’t know,” he answered.

“Haven’t you asked her anything?” Frustration seeped into his carefully crafted tone.

“Yeah,” he sighed. “I have, but it doesn’t mean she always answers. She’ll come back when she does. Until then we just have to wait.”

Monty shook his head. “We’ve been waiting. Her mom’s not seen or spoken to her in over six months. Nobody really has except you. When I went to find Harper ... she was with Abby who was in tears because you talked to Clarke but didn’t tell anyone.”

“I’ve been trying to convince her to come home. That’s all I have.” Bellamy shrugged. “I’ve gotta go see Abby for a checkup so ...”

When he got to the Infirmary he heard quiet murmurings. There were a few people surrounding Octavia’s bed including Abby, Harper, Lincoln and Raven.

He walked closer, each step feeling like he had boulders tied to his ankles. His head swam. “What’s going on?” he asked, trying not to sound too hopeful.

The others turned to look at him and that’s when he saw Octavia. She was sitting up in bed, looking worn and tired. She regarded him wearily.

“O?”

“Give her some space,” Abby told the others and everyone except Lincoln left the room.

Octavia glared at him. “Where the hell have you been? I told you not to leave without telling anyone where you’re going, remember?”

“You’re okay,” he breathed.

“No, I’m pissed!” Octavia screamed.

“Octavia, don’t,” Lincoln held her hand. “You can’t get worked up.”

She continued glaring at her brother. “Don’t ever do that again, Asshole.”

Bellamy nodded. He reached his sister’s side. “You’re okay.” He put his forehead against hers. “Thank god.”

“So do you want to go talk to your mom now or when we wake up in the morning?”

“I didn’t say I was coming back.”

Bellamy pulled away just enough to look at her. “But you are, right?”

Before she could respond, he kissed her, open mouthed and needy. He walked backwards and whispered against her lips, “Stay.”

“I don’t -”

He swallowed her words and they both fell onto the bed, his body covering hers. “Come home,” he said, the words tickling her neck.

“I can’t -”

His mouth was on hers again. He bit her lip and she let out a little squeak in surprise, her fingers pulling his hair. “Clarke.” He kissed the corner of her mouth, along her jaw, down her neck. “Stay.”

“Bellamy -”

He sighed, pressed a kiss to her collarbone, then lifted his head to stare into her eyes. “Stay with me.”

“I’m here with you,” she reminded him, arms around his neck.

“For tonight.” His thumb stroked the exposed skin over her hipbone. “Come home for good. I don’t want you just for tonight or for all the nights if you’re just going to keep leaving me -”

“I’ve come back every time.”

“Just for the night.” He sat up and crossed his legs. He waited for her to do the same. She looked at him expectantly. “You know what I mean. I don’t want to wake up before the sun rises to say goodbye so you can sneak out of camp. I want to wake up at noon and see you still here in my bed - preferably naked -”

She rolled her eyes but smiled.

“I want to kiss you awake and I want you to drag me to the shower. I want to hold your hand while we walk to the Common area to meet our friends for breakfast. I want them to roll their eyes at how fucking couple-y we are. Maybe I even want your mom to tell me I’m not good enough for her daughter just so I can prove that I am.”

He leaned forward. “Am I not enough?”

“Bellamy ...”

“I love you.” His lips moved against hers and she let him guide her back down onto the pillows. His hands ran up her sides, sending warmth through her. He paused, his lips by her ear, “I love you.”

He tugged her shirt up over her head before kissing her and telling her again, “I love you.”

She closed her eyes, feeling his lips trail kisses all down her body. He did things agonizingly slow and punctuated every action with an “I love you.”

When they were finally both naked, he hovered above her and looked into her eyes. “I love you, Clarke.”

“I love you, too,” she gasped when he was inside of her.

He rolled them over so that she was on top and pulled her close so that every part of her touched every part of him. He felt her trying to move so he gripped her hips to hold them still.

“I love you, too.” Her voice was almost pleading.

One of his hands reached up to push her hair out of her face. “Then stay.”

“Bellamy.”

Suddenly she was on her back again. “For me.”

“Stop fucking around,” she groaned.

“Say you’ll stay.”

“This is coercement,” she accused, biting his shoulder hard.

Bellamy smiled, cocky. “Nope, it’s bribery.”

“Fuck you.”

“I believe you meant to say, ‘fuck me.’” He laughed.

“Fuck you.”

He shook his head. “I believe you meant, ‘I’ll stay.’”

“Fine!” she shouted. “Fuck me! I’ll stay!”

“Shh, not so loud,” he said but he gave her what she wanted.

He was about to fall asleep when he felt her trying to lift his arm. He pulled her back against his chest. “You said you’d stay,” he murmured into her hair.

“You were being a tease.” She turned in his arms. “Haven’t you learned people will say anything if you torture them?”

He opened his eyes and looked down at her. “I love you, Clarke, but I already told you what I want. If you leave tonight, don’t come back until you’re ready to stay.”

She pursed her lips together and nodded once. The weight on his chest felt significantly lighter.

Then she slipped out of bed. His heart dropped. “Seriously?” he asked.

She walked to the door and tried to turn the knob. When she was satisfied, she ran back and jumped into bed. “I had to make sure it was locked. I can’t have anyone seeing me naked in bed with you before I’ve even gone to talk to my mother.”

She burrowed under his arm and snuggled her face into his chest. She looked back up at him and sighed. “What?”

He took her face in his hands and kissed her. It was sloppy and wet and she laughed. He pulled her on top of him, sitting up so she could wrap her legs around his waist.

Her breath caught when he pushed into her. She pulled his face away from where he was sucking a mark on her collarbone. She smiled suspiciously and he gasped out, “What?”

“What’re you -” She groaned. “What do you want from me this time?”

A grin spread over Bellamy’s face. “Shut up.”

When the sun was high enough in the sky that the room started feeling too warm, Clarke kissed Bellamy.

He mumbled incoherently and she smiled, kissing him again and again. “Wake up,” she whispered between kisses.

He blinked his eyes open and she watched him process what was happening. “Good morning.” He buried his face in her neck and placed a kiss there.

“Let’s go take a shower.”

“Mm.”

“Then after, I’ll go talk to my mom.”

“Mhm.”

“And then I’ll come find you.”

“Yeah?” She felt him smile against her skin.

“And we’ll hold hands as we walk down the hallway to go get some food.”