#wanna know the worst part about all of this? i just had therapy and basically told her everything's fine | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

shallowrambles · 6 months

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to the user that messaged me that doesn’t want to be known, you can ask as anon next time and i can answer that way instead. :)

in part i agree with you!!! - i actually do differ from the fandom on these aspects although im super sympathetic to the conversion therapy and “gender policing sam” readings!!!

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one, on sam policing dean’s grief and emotions - when he’s teasing, i agree that he’s not doing anything more severe than dean calling sam “samantha” or ragging on his long hair…

when he’s shutting down dean’s emotions, i agree that dean also sometimes encourages stoic resilience from sam. example: in season 12 dean tells sam to basically use his grief around eileen’s death to channel into hunting. “use that.”

so on the whole, i actually agree with you that it’s not a uniquely “sam” issue! both of them have expectations of each other that definitely has a gendered dimension, but i think it’s largely due to hunting itself. since they rely on each other in daily work and for safety during battle, they BOTH demand resilience and toughness of each other

DEAN and Bobby INCLUDED

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two, sam in season 8 - yeah i don’t ascribe to benny situation being wholly about gender either, so we partially agree here too. i do think this situation has stronger support for this particular reading if you wanna go that way. but i tend to agree with you that it feels more “wrong side of the railroad tracks” situation and yes definitely more analogous to ruby-is-a-bad-influence vibe.

benny saved dean’s life but ruby ALSO saved sam’s life. sam’s reason given to trust ruby was the same reason dean gave to trust benny. ruby had personal motivations, but benny also had motivations that weren’t wholly about dean’s wellbeing (escape hatch, revenge on his maker, even the reliance on him as a source of support/food/blood donation/“dealer”).

sam doesn’t have much reason to trust benny besides dean’s word…which if we take the deleted scene about benny “falling off the wagon”, that beautifully complicates the situation. (they should’ve left it in to underline the moral grayness of it all imho; it better demonstrates the push-pull theme of assuming the best vs assuming the worst)

sam can be unlikeable, but like it or not, he is mistrusting benny the same way dean mistrusted ruby…the way dean didn’t cut amy pond any slack for her ethical mistake. if ruby and amy had been handsome men like crowley and benny, i wonder if they’d have seemed less disposable? i don’t know. i think so.

all in all, i think dean and sam both pivot to black-and-white “hunting code” thinking after heavy losses bc they’re struggling for control in the chaos. dean went into white picket fence escapism post losing sam in season 5, and he went hard into hunting re:amy directly post-losing cas. likewise, sam went hard into escapism with amelia and then hard into hunting after losing dean, cas, and bobby. so the coping goes. it’s not one-to-one but certainly has a parallel dynamic. (cas too! he checked out in season 6 and followed it up with going hard in on dubious heaven trials and the “penance” of angelic civil war).

honestly, i reckon it’s tough tits for dean that his past behavior around “teammates from the wrong side of the railroad tracks” set up sam to echo it in season 8. (sorry, dean!!!! it's true!!!) sam also paralleled dean and bobby’s detox stuff during the season 10 demon dean “drug intervention”. …and that’s just my take on it. I feel like it's text.

if crowley is Other and demon dean represents Alternative Lifestyle… then so does Ruby. which is fine. i personally don’t think demonic sam or moc!dean were shown to have healthy endpoints, so I don't view them as super secret "true selves." but if you view those as false worst-case/fictitious fear-driven endpoints or even flat out “true self” endpoints, i think that is fine. so long as there’s acknowledgment that sam’s behavior isn’t so different from dean’s in earlier seasons.

i think the sam hate gets a little black-and-white sometimes, and i agree it can be frustrating.

yeah, in season 8, dean was idealizing a perfect war companion “who never let him down” to replace his brother, who was a flawed war companion that let him down repeatedly. However, the deleted scene implies benny did indeed “fall off the wagon” and fed on humans. even if it were more like amy pond’s necessity and carefulness, it’s certainly a more ethically gray scenario and likely comparable “failure.”

ergo, while sam was very classist and rigid/assuming the worst about the whole situation, dean represented the other idealist extreme. i’ve said a lot about how i view season 8 as being about extreme delusions of perfection/escapism/easy rules/not being let down, and benny is another example of that theme in action - the implication is that the situation is way more gray than it appears at first.

the implication is that sam was partially right about the situation being dangerous, which is a gorgeous dimension imho. like it or not, we as audience saw benny get tempted to kill dean at one point too, so…to ignore sam’s concerns is somewhat of a fandom idealization of dean and dean’s judgment. (season 8 is all about figments and idealization imho)

So yeah i’m with you here too on some points!

the more interesting part lies in the winchester hypocrisy itself, and that humans aren’t executed as rigidly for their mistakes! it’s about how we naturally emphasize with in-groups, even if that manifests as implicit bias. the human condition.

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point three, demon dean - you’ll be surprised to find that i agree with you here too. demon dean and crowley are often posited by fandom as dean being his “true self” but the series does not present it that way; it presents crowley as frankly predatory and exploitative. dean’s forgiveness of the situation is more analogous to claire forgiving those that wronged her (cas, even randy, dean).

dean explicitly states to Cas, the person he's most up-front with, that he doesn’t view his demonic stint as a good thing. to cas: “I can’t become that thing again.”

i view demon dean as a predatory manipulation of consent during a vulnerable time, analogous to metatron honing in on post-naomi-tortured cas. to me, the text shows an obvious and egregious manipulation, and with demon dean, the loss of inhibitions is underlined again and again…for example, when dean talks about the “jailbait” on the college campus and the blackout kills. I view the issue with the mark as being more centered on the loss of inhibitions and subsequent loss of free will, not the violence itself. dean verbalized his discomfort with this loss of control. sam doesn’t just make the judgment of dean's control on his own internal moral grounds. he listens to dean about his verbalized loss of control. so does cas, for that matter.

in the early eps, demon dean says he “loves the disease” because one of dean's primary modes is running from pain and disappointment. that’s not a “secret true self” imho - it’s more like a junkie who checks out, more analogous to sam’s addiction than not. or to cas's blissed-out, poetic "checkout" in season 7.

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as i said above, sam treats hopped up demon dean as dean and bobby treated him — with a forced detox!!!! i am sympathetic to the other reading but to me it doesn’t fully match what i see on screen. (in fact parallel detoxes are shown to be overall helpful, even for characters like crowley!!!)

if sam’s detox of dean is about “dean’s true self,” then sam’s detox is about “sam’s true self.” demon blood intake and the burden of the mark are in parallel: they wear down their markers, eradicating their feelings and inhibitions over time, transforming them into black-eyed demons…

even when they initially wield their dark powers in the name of good.

as for sam hating on crowley… despite our love of crowley, sam is working from what he saw out of crowley ; he’s very reasonable to be concerned and distrustful of him…the same way dean was reasonable to be mistrustful of ruby. crowley had a very fresh history of killing and torturing kevin’s loved ones…it was still in sam’s sight lines.

sam is NOT turning against crowley simply because crowley is “queer coded and sam is therefore homophobic" but bc crowley recently did a lot of really bad shit and showed no remorse. plus, he clearly acted in his own interests at dean’s expense. there’s no controversy whether or not crowley manipulated dean in order to getting rid of abbadon, then preying upon him after his inhibitions were destroyed. that’s text.

now, is crowley that black and white? hell no! like meg and ruby, he was also abused by hell and preyed upon by demons. he is in the process of genuinely rediscovering his humanity!!! i will defend crowley and rowena to the death, btw, but a lot of crowley’s shit gets overlooked in season 10 bc fandom (myself included!) can sometimes prefer a cool metaphor over entertaining that sam’s judgment can at times be reasonably founded (sam’s bad behavior notwithstanding).

crowley and metatron are both presented as ppl who target attack dogs in their moments of weakness to gain positional objectives/power.

(both of them also underestimate those attack dogs and bite off more than they can chew/control!!!! crowley HATED when demon dean became beyond his control; and metatron HATED it when "cas was good at war -> "I didn't think he'd be good at it.")

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summary / main pts

drug detox - on the whole, i find it a conspicuous blind spot that sam’s choice to do “drug intervention” gets layered with all this symbolic "extra shit "extra" when bobby and dean's “drug intervention” is sometimes viewed as justified/ for sam’s own good.

i view instead that they’re both heavy-handed interventions that are mostly about the wellbeing of the person (demon dean included). that's the rub about caretaking and parenting, after all--it inevitably involves a loss of independence in order to protect that person!!! balancing these two things is hard! that's the whole thing with family! security/firm boundaries vs independance!

anyway, detox/human blood is what created a more rejuvenated/jumpstarted Crowley’s humanity in season 8, after all—it dimmed the fog of his demonic non-feeling. it was a GOOD thing.

both choices of “drugs,” sam’s demon blood and dean’s mark, are shown to result in a loss of inhibitions/free will with subsequent demonic transformation.

side note//thats not to say humans don’t also behave in morally reprehensible ways—just that demon-ness is more “numbing” and and the MOC has a whiff of “loss of free will” about it.

2. ruby and metatron’s bad motivations get more emphasized than characters like crowley. but sam was reasonable not to trust him in context of crowley’s season 8-10 actions/egregious ambitions. crowley’s bad behavior can get virtually ignored despite what he freshly did to mrs tran. sam is working from this incredibly recent history!!!

3. lastly, the danger benny textually posed to dean sometimes gets ignored because he’s a nice guy. that doesn’t erase sam’s prejudice and classism; it does however complicate dean’s idealization…which was rather the point of benny and the meat of most of dean’s season 8 arc imho. dean was dealing with his own flavor of perfectionism/unrealistic expectations to avoid disappointment/getting hurt again.

#anon #pitchfork posts #sorry occasionally this one spills out #it's my most different take #though i think the truth is probably somewhere in the middle/a mix of things

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weebsinstash · 1 year

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Same abo person here

Dude you didnt have to come at me like that with that Izuku shit. I've already been feeling more down bad for him than I ever have because I just finished season 6 and vigilante Izuku in the costume just hit me different.

Ok but like secretary or assistant Izuku who slips some shit in your coffee or beverage of choice, maybe even lunch while already having taken something himself. Planning it just so your both in a small space when it happens, my thought is if your big(in terms of a company role or whatever) enough maybe a limo or maybe he might be personally driving you somewhere for work. Just for it to kick in and well we dont want to risk crashing right? Then Izuku insists that when the other one of you starts to show signs they must've gotten triggered by the other.

And if the two of you somehow end up not fucking the next time he sees you at work he is apologizing profusely. Apologizing for not keeping track of his heats or your ruts, apologizing for his begging and pleading because it must've be so hard for you to hold back, and how 'unprofessional' it was that he acted that way with a co-worker let alone a superior.

Worst part is this just pushes him to want you more. Afterall, your such a kind and strong willed alpha to be able to keep yourself off him, not wanting to 'force' yourself on him. Not having listened to any begging because he 'wasn't in the right state of mind'.

Thing was, he absolutely was at least in the beginning. He basically immediately started begging, crying, and maybe even screaming as soon as he felt the mildest twinges of his heat. Not like you'd know though, with the way he was acting he sounded like he was dying.

Bruh deadass I have absolutely awful at keeping with anime, I think a big factor is that my laptop I bought several years ago has severely degraded in performance quality so like I basically watch anime anymore unless it's on YouTube or like I can see if my TV streaming whatever has anime on it but. My dudes I've literally been meaning to catch up with MHA since season 4 which is funny bc I still have a draft w him I wanna finish. I've mentioned it before but, it's a quirkless AU where he's your wealthy renowned psychiatrist while you're involuntarily admitted into a hospital and it devolves into him extending your stay there on purpose just so he can spend time with you and eventually when he finds out another doctor discharged you while he was away for a conference he just decides to straight up kidnap you for further "therapy" that eventually further devolves into "I see you have problems being comfortable with men therefore I'm gonna fuck you as exposure therapy :) I am Totally Not An Obsessed Creep"

Izuku really is one of those yandere that, whether consciously/intentionally or not, fully takes advantage of the fact you think he's so sweet and unassuming. If he does something that wrongs you or upsets he comes back and apologizes so sweetly and tries to make it up to you and like, it IS genuine but he is also just wanting you to be completely on his side so, he be doing a little bit of lying sometimes

Izuku: oh my goodness I am so sorry about us "somehow" getting locked in that room I had a key for (I totally didn't sabotage the key so it would break and we would be locked in). I just couldn't control myself, I barely even remember what happened, I'm so sorry if I made you uncomfortable, please don't hate me 🥺

Izuku when you two were trapped in a car or elevator or broom closet or some shit just the day before, in heat but also lucid enough to know exactly what he's doing: *sits DIRECTLY in your lap so his scent floods your noses* oh my gosh I just think you would look so beautiful with a little baby belly 🥺🥺🥺 PLEASE let me see you with my baby *keeps wiggling his hips on purpose to try and stimulate you, keeps touching you with his hands trying to peel your clothes off* I promise I'll take care of all of you, PLEASE have my pups, I am IN PAIN right now 😩😩😩 *continues to whimper and whine and shit trying to make you pity him because he knows you have a good heart*

Just full on drugs you so you go into a rut, and then if you ever "slip up" and fuck him, well, he isn't going to let you GET RID OF any potential pups that might come out of it. NOW the tactic is to emotionally manipulate you "oh no, our pups are innocent, PLEASE don't KILL THEM, it ISNT RIGHT, they DESERVE TO LIVE, I WANT MY BABIES, I already TOLD MY MOM SHE HAS GRANDCHILDREN"

Izuku is one of those "and then when she gets pregnant we can move into a nice big house and it might be a little rocky at first but she'll definitely love me if I keep trying and show her my heart" kind of yandere but like, he definitely has the capacity to snap from stress. You're working in an office with him or wherever and for some reason a lot of your male and or Alpha coworkers keep getting mysteriously injured? Did you hear how Shouto somehow slipped down the stairs and broke his leg from a mysterious grease spot right by the stairs? Or how Bakugou got horrrriiible food poisoning after that cookout event held last week that Izuku DEFINITELY didn't bring poison to? God, did you hear about Yoarashi? His brakes failed and he RAN HIS CAR OFF A BRIDGE AND ALMOST DIED

And here's Izuku "oh gosh, there's been so much bad news around the workplace recently, so I brought you this little treat to help ease the stress ^^" and there's 'definitely' not any drugs in it cause he finally bought his dream home to steal you away to, 'promise'

#yandere stuff #sinprompts

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bi-bard · 2 years

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First Kiss (Pt. 2) - Hannibal Preference (NBC's Hannibal)

Title: First Kiss

Characters: Alana Bloom, Margot Verger, Frederick Chilton, Beverly Katz, Abigail Hobbs, Bedelia Du Maurier

Word Count: 1,894 words

Warning(s): (Alana's) very subtle hint to sex, mentions of attack (and Hannibal), (Margot's) mentions of Mason Verger, (Abigail's) mentions of bad parenting, (Frederick's) none, (Beverly's) none, (Bedelia's) none

Author's Note: Here's a Hannibal preference for more than just the murder husbands. If there's a character that I missed that you want me to write about, then let me know and I'll see if there's enough to make a third part (I kinda just put my favorites here).

If you wanna read the part involving the murder husbands, click here!

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Alana Bloom:

It was the first time I had seen Alana since her run-in with Hannibal.

The hospital had been hesitant about letting in visitors, so when she called me to join her for drinks, I was ecstatic.

She had a cane now but there was something else that seemed different. There was a clear shift in her behavior.

She leaned on her cane with a drink in her free hand. I leaned against the wall, almost studying her.

"You're looking at me like I'm a wounded animal," she pointed out.

"I'm sorry," I said immediately, looking down at my drink.

"It's okay," she replied. "I just want you to see that I'm okay."

"I see that," I promised. "It's just... I'm just worried, Alana. It's my nature."

She nodded, "The worst part of all this is the wasted time."

"Alana, you didn't-"

"I should've left Hannibal's house with you that night," she cut me off. "Would've saved me from that relationship, the fight, the physical therapy I had to go through."

I had offered her a ride home from Hannibal's dinner party. She must've seen that as her turning point.

"I could've been happy," she added. "With you."

I took a deep breath at the thought, "We... We still could... be happy together, I mean."

"After everything that's happened?"

"As long as I'm with you, I don't really care," I shrugged.

I walked over to her slowly. I leaned in and kissed her slowly. My free hand cupped the side of her face as she kissed me back.

Standing there, kissing her in her living room, was the time I felt most alive.

I let out a breathless chuckle when we finally pulled away, "Wanna make up for that lost time?"

"I can think of nothing better," she replied as she placed the glass on the counter and leaned in to kiss me again.

Margot Verger:

I had been hired to work on the Verger estate years ago. I was mostly confined to the stables. Feeding, cleaning, helping Margot. It wasn't a terrible job on its own. Mason just made everything miserable.

I basically had to turn a blind eye to everything he did. I had no idea what the consequences would be if I didn't. I just knew that I hadn't seen the last person who confronted Mason about his behavior.

The longer I was there, the more I saw, the more it broke my heart.

I had been putting Margot's horse away when she walked in to meet me. I tried not to stare, but I can see the expression on her face as she tried to hide any of the pain.

"He shouldn't treat you like that," I said softly. She looked at me. "You two are siblings. He just... it's disgusting how he treats you."

She softly grinned, "Thank you."

I nodded and went back to my work.

"You always have been very kind to me," she added.

"I'm pretty sure it's part of my job," I replied.

"But it's so much more than that," she continued. "I've seen you almost every day for about a year. Maybe more. You've become... a comfort to me."

When I looked back at her, she was standing directly in front of me. I immediately felt nervous. She took another step forward, mere inches between our bodies.

"Seeing you every day has been very nice."

"I feel the same, Margot," I felt my face heating up.

She hesitantly took another step forward before leaning in slowly. She pressed her lips against mine briefly. I tried to kiss her back, but she pulled away before I could.

"I'll come back tonight," she muttered. "Meet me here?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "I promise. I'll be here."

She grinned before stepping back and going to leave. I let out a breath once I knew that I was on my own.

Holy shit.

Abigail Hobbs:

Abigail and I had become friends when she entered the Port Haven psychiatric facility. I had been the only person who didn't turn a cold shoulder to her. Because I didn't think she deserved it.

We spent most of our time together. The only exceptions were during group therapy, at night, or when one of us had visitors.

There was one time when I violated those exceptions.

My mother had come to visit. It didn't help me much. I was left in this messy headspace that I couldn't get out of. My mother was the reason I ended up here and all she did was remind me of all the ways I was messed up. How unfair it was that I ended up this way because it looked bad on her parenting.

My brain was fixed on seeing Abigail. I found my way to her room that night. She looked up from her book when the door opened.

"What are you doing," she asked as I carefully shut the door. She looked worried when she saw my face. "Oh my god."

"My- My mom showed up," I muttered, wiping my tears. "And I just... I couldn't..."

She waved me over. I went and sat next to her in the bed. She let me rest my head on her shoulder.

"I don't know why they let her in," I mumbled. "You would think seeing how much harm it's doing would make them stop her."

"I'm so sorry," she grabbed my hand.

"You're the best thing around me," I continued. "Doctors just tell me all my symptoms and throw diagnoses at me. My mom seems to hate me. You... You actually listen."

"You do the same for me," she said.

I moved my head so I could look at her. She grinned at me. I softly grinned back before leaning over and pecking her lips.

It was maybe a second before I leaned back to look at her again.

"Was that okay?"

She nodded, "Yeah... yeah, it was fine."

I grinned before leaning my head on her shoulder again. I was okay with everything around her as long it was her.

She made whatever could happen worth it.

Frederick Chilton:

I was working as a nurse in the Baltimore State Hospital for the Criminally Insane.

I had fully intended for it to be a temporary job. Just a job to take the time until I could move properly. Once moving past how the patients would yell things at you, it wasn't the worst job ever.

Maybe the biggest annoyance came in the form of Dr. Frederick Chilton. He wasn't absolutely awful. He was just cocky. And the moment he had a second alone with me, he made enough flirtatious remarks to fill multiple pages of a notebook.

I didn't mind that much. It was just more irritating than anything.

"Dr. Chilton," I knocked as I leaned into his office.

"(Y/n)," he greeted before leaning against the front of his desk. "Come on in. What can I help you with?"

"I just wanted to talk about something," I said quietly. He nodded. "Do you flirt with all of the nurses or is it just me?"

He scoffed, "Very blunt today, aren't we?"

"I have to be when it's becoming an obstacle during my work," I replied, crossing my arms over my chest.

"And if I told you that I didn't?"

"I wouldn't worry as much about you just being an H.R. nightmare."

He chuckled and shook his head before looking at me, "Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?"

"Would there be a few problems with a nurse going on a date with an administrator?"

"Gotta make H.R.'s life a nightmare somehow," Chilton shrugged.

I walked over slowly.

He stood up a little taller as I got closer. I leaned in a kissed him gently, cupping the side of his face. He tried to follow me as I leaned back. I bit back a chuckle.

"I'll see you after my shift," I said before walking away.

"Yeah... see you..."

Beverly Katz:

Asking Beverly out on a date was one of the most awkward moments of my life. But after she said yes, it felt like a weight rolled off my shoulders.

I thought I'd never have to deal with that pressure again.

And then the end of the date rolled around.

I had been fine during the date. I had followed the conversation pretty well; I hadn't embarrassed myself. It had all gone very well.

But when I dropped Beverly off at home, I felt all of those nerves coming back. I walked her to her door and said goodnight. I was about to walk away when she stopped me.

"(Y/n)," she called as I was walking away.

I stopped to turn to her.

"Come back here and kiss me," she chuckled.

"What," I asked in shock. She smirked at me. "Oh, okay."

I jogged back over to her and pressed my lips to hers. She let out a laugh against my lips as she cupped the sides of my face. My hands touched her sides as I smiled against her lips.

When she pulled away, we both just stood there for a second, smiling at each other.

"I-I'll see you tomorrow," I said after a moment before pecking her lips again. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

I offered one more awkward wave before leaving for the night.

Bedelia Du Maurier:

Bedelia and I were working together on a paper I was hoping to publish. She only saw one patient now, but she had years of experience that helped me gather previous research and make sense of the results I got.

It was all coming together. She had just been doing a final proofread before we started the next big step in the paper.

I walked into her house anxiously, "Bedelia?"

"In here," she replied.

Her office was simple. The two chairs in the middle of the room were truly the center of attention.

She was standing over by the window, flipping through pages. My paper.

"Hi," I said as I walked over. I stood across from her on the other side of the window. "How does it look?"

"I think it looks good," she nodded. "We're getting to the final changes, which is very good. We got here much quicker than I thought we would."

I grinned.

"I've made some notes on this copy, so I'd advise you take this back with you and look them over."

I took the pages from her hand, "I truly can't thank you enough for all that you've done for me."

"It's been my pleasure," she replied. "Your research has been very interesting."

I looked down at the paper, ignoring how nervous she made me.

"If everything goes well, this work will help you get a lot of respect. I'm happy to be-"

I quickly leaned up and pressed my lips to hers. I leaned back quickly. I didn't have to answer any questions later because there was a knock at the door.

"I'll let you know when I get a chance to go over the notes you left," I muttered before quickly walking out.

I brushed by whoever was on the other side of the door.

As I sat in my car, trying to calm my breathing, I facepalmed.

I don't know which made me feel more stupid, kissing her so awkwardly or that I ran away so fast.

--------------------------------

Masterlist (Includes links to All Writing Challenges)

What I Write For

Some Original Characters

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yuukei-yikes · 1 year

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Tell us about Shinaya’s breakup :D

HEHDJEIDNEKFJEKDKEK ive had this ask since i posted i was thinking abt it MAN i cannot express to u i just. I WANNA WRITE A FIC SO BAD but AUGH im so bad at it it makes me cringe i cant do that but its basically like all my damn posts together u know. i keep thinking of shintaro's disastrous relationships post str going from ayano to kano to takane etcetc sorry im playing with him like a stress toy making him go thru hell but its so fun

srry i dont wanna have to rewrite a lot of stuff so erm im liking this answer 🫡🫡🫡 and i could link a bunch more just so u SEE MY VISION... but i think linking that is enough. ON AND OFF SHINAYA MY BELOVED

shintaro and ayano sort of having this ridiculous relationship because both are hurting and jumped in a relationship too quick but fighting/being sad about stupid shit is so much easier than dealing with their actual issues that they've got with themselves. like focusing on each other and what they don't like about each other and their relationship is so much easier than crying about how suicidal they are. lollllll SO LIKE this insanity sort of saves them at the same time??

i mean the most ideal would be that instead of getting together they got therapy and the normal kind not the relationship kind. you know. but also theyre traumatized and ugh. its so much easier to resent each other than themselves. its so much easier to be petty. its such a relief to cry over relationship problems than over timeline resets or dead parents and etc. YOU GET ME?????

they keep breaking up and getting back together ridiculously like it is 1000% so dramatic each and everytime. ayano crying her eyes out like its the end of the world and shintaro making 100 sad playlists. and it happens at least monthly. the first time everyone's like WHOA THEY BROKE UP!?!? SHIT!! the second time its like heyyy maybe they'll work it out like last time!! third time its like are you joking. fourth time they're already begging them to stop. by they i mean the dan but especially takane by the way. who do you think is picking up the pieces.

and by the way the one breaking up all the time and being dramatic as hell is shintaro. he gets angry and annoyed and weaponizes the LETS BREAK UP thing because he DOESNT MEAN IT. like he knows he and ayano will work it out later. he gets comfortable again. not to get on the ayano surviving thing, but i think ayano (and hiyori but especially ayano) making it out alive undoes a big part of the message abt moving on. like i love her so im not complaining thats i love having her alive :3 but i like to translate this into shintaro like. he's intensely trying to repress/process all the memories of the other timelines to cope and have a normal life and ends up being this way because he's sort of self sabotaging himself. like ayano's alive and she likes me??? lol. ok?? ill wake up any moment now!! and he feels guilty and undeserving and is sort of a dickhead to her in an unconscious attempt of keeping her away because that's what he deserves according to him. also why he's accepting of takane's intense obsession with him lol bc she's familiar and she is comfortable, unlike ayano who is so rare and one in its kind in all the timelines. he is sort of terrified of her in a way.

the lets break up isnt rly a breakup. its just a leave me alone see u later. LOL i think we talk too much abt kanoshin bringing the worst in each other but what about shinaya. they do that too. yeah we CAN have fluffy shinaya. but like i said it is so easy to focus all this bitterness and sadness into each other and it's so relieving to be sad and angry about this rather than everything else. because this is sort of in their control while everything else isn't, wasn't. and its so unfair. of course its unfair!! but they cant do anything abt it. so they just go crazy on each other. ayano is DESPERATE to be needed. i could link more replies but i will hold myself back. basically her siblings are used to being alone/know she has her own problems and ayano is dealing with this emptiness and feeling of failure bc no one needs her, from her perspective her sacrifice still failed to save everyone, her parents are gone so she needs to step up. like she puts herself under all this pressure and feels Not Good Enough for ANYTHING. and she is dating shintaro.

it's EASY to bother him and try to get him to open up and etc so she ridiculously focuses on that. but it gets on shintaro's nerves to say the least LOL plus all his other issues i mentioned 🫡plus she keeps being like we have to be normal. lets kiss and hold hands and cuddle. but she's too embarrassed to say it/do it and shintaro is even more pathetic about it. so theyre both frustrated about everything and can barely even sit next to each other without acting insane.

AND SORRY BUT I WILL TALK ABT TAKANE🫡💞💗💖💝💕💘ofc. codependent shintaka. of course. it drives ayano CRAZY because on top of all their problems takane is able to talk sense into shintaro each and every single time. and she is soooo jealous like she knows its stupid but she cant help ittt i ALSO TALKED ABT THIS SORRY I KEEP REPEATING MYSELF IM JUST SO CRzy abt it. hehe......the whole mess bringing drama to harutaka too bc shintaro and ayano are so messy theyre contagious is so fun to me. when it comes to shintaro and takane's horrible relationship both their romantic relationships suffer for it but deal with it completely differently. while both haruka and ayano deal with jealousy somewhat, ayano is so hurt and already at the verge of a mental breakdown so she's focusing so many negative emotions on it and AGAIN it just serves as another point of argument between shintaro and ayano while haruka is like. his mental state isnt as convoluted as ayanos, he's rather freaking out and terrified of being left alone. THIS IS ABT SHINAYA so i wont get into harutaka side but lol. heh. Looks at it. zooms in it. like what i mean is that haruka and takane talk and work through it and are like sighs yeah...this is messed up while shintaro and ayano are using it against each other instead of working on it LMAO

ANYWAYS. ayano breaks up with shintaro. vine boom. total breakdown moment like everyone out of the room i wanna talk to you alone. and this time its for REAL. like ayano isnt confrontational at all, all their arguments are always her being pushy abt idk mental health and shintaro's like godddd STOPPPPP and ayano crying and shintaro being like I CANNOT DEAL WITH THAT. IM SORRY I GUESS. CAN U GET OUT OF THE ROOM. WE'LL TALK LATER. but he also sucks so bad at letting the other person know they can count on him so he kind of assumes ayano will do it when she's ready because he KNOWS she's in pain. like. ofc it could go well. ofc shintaro and ayano could work through everything with kindness and comprehension for each other but they're both so sad and suddenly find themselves annoyed at each other one time and it felt so freeing to do that that they just keep doing it. especially shintaro. having ayano be mad at him is sort of relieving because he feels undeserving of her and its like yeah. Yeah!! i know its ooc but shinaya screaming match.god. sorry but all their bottled up emotions abt everything and they take it out on each other for no reason other than theyre giving each other the space and it plays out that way. theyre acting crazy about something so stupid like shintaro not wanting ayano to wear his clothes or whatever. like they scream about that but its not about that. it just feels so good to scream. it feels so good to scream and let it out even if they haven't given themselves the time to process that theyre not... actually screaming abt that at all. theyre screaming about everything else. not even about each other. its about themselves. its always been.its never been about each other. when it is, its stupid. thats why they do it. its just easier. God. they were just not ready for a relationship, especially not one with each other out of all people.

ayano breaks first, therefore dumps shintaro lol. he goes thru his own fucked up arc afterwards while ayano gets help. my man spirals DOWN. whether they get back together or not depends on my mood 🤨 but if they do, its by the time theyre in their mid twenties or something so a few years later LOL i picture them dating like for over a year maybe?? when theyre 18/19. hehe.

like. do you get it.

#ask tag #headcanons #HEH...#ayashin divorce

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arc-angel-o · 2 years

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I didn't realize I had a strong opinion on what happened after the 91 Days finale until i saw the worst take ever on it. Tw for canon typical suicide ideation and violence. Plus spoilers for the finale!

•

Basically this person (top comment on yt video!) said that they hope Angelo is dead instead of alive because it would "end his suffering" and that if he's dead at least he "could still be reunited with his family".

ANGELO'S SUICIDAL THOUGHTS ARE NOT GOOD OR ACCURATE. BECAUSE NO ONE'S ARE. BUT THAT'S BASICALLY WHAT THIS COMMENT IS SAYING. THIS IS LITERALLY JUST PROMOTING SUICIDE IDEATION.

I think there are interesting ways of looking at the ending as his death, but this is not one of them.

I wanna speak more on how like. It's pretty clear that the show's intentions are not to romanticize suicide, which is basically what the beach scene is even if it's at Nero's hand, especially when Nero said all that stuff about not needing a reason to live, it'd be pretty inconsistent if he basically talked someone down then immediately killed them, but I'm tired and you've seen the show you know

I don't say "go to therapy" over fandom stuff, but if you want a suicidal character to die so "they can be happy", that's genuinely very worrying, as someone who's been there.

Part of feels like I'm overreacting, but idfk. Again, I don't think it's wrong to interpret the end as his death, but this cannot be your reasoning.

#91 days #91 days meta #meta #angelo lagusa #avilio bruno #nero vanetti

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neon-green-reagent · 9 months

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You don't have to read this. I'm just having a rough time. A health and money rough time, which is such a double whammy, and I just had to get it out.

It feels like this was entirely out of nowhere, but I guess it wasn't. I've had hip pain for a while now. It's on and off. Like it would get aggravated, then heal, then aggravated again. I finally got an answer about that. I have old age problems. In my spine mostly. One of those things most Tumblr users truly won't understand and will go pale over as they sit comfortably in their 20s and 30s.

And like okay. Fine. My spine's melting slowly over time. That happens to lots of people. My age is usually when it starts. But also it suddenly hurts a lot. In the last two weeks, it got way worse all at once. I bent over, something wrenched, and since then I've been kinda fucked. The MRI showed that whole spine melting thing, which is supposed to be gradual, but also a bulging disc, and that's probably what I did right there. I slipped something out of place.

So the problem is... All this test taking happened because I had some blood tests that made it look like I had an autoimmune disease. So I went to the specialist you see for that: a rheumatologist. She ruled out basically everything, and when my MRI came back, she said welp! That's not my field! And waved goodbye and offered me nothing beyond that.

I went to a spine specialist, and they offered options. All of which were vaguely scary. Take a pill everyday. Get a shot in your back. Get physical therapy. So I said can I get some physical therapy? And they said yes. That's happening in about two and a half weeks. The problem is, since I made this decision, the back pain has flared to a new level.

Now when I get done with a day of work, no matter how low impact it was, I'm in pain. Two ibuprofen? What are you, NINE? No, we need at least four at a time. My already terrible GI tract is really hating this, by the way. Last night, for the first time, the pain woke me. I couldn't get comfortable. I couldn't lie in any position that didn't hurt. I was EXHAUSTED and couldn't sleep because the pain was too much.

So now I've stayed home from work, icing my back, taking four ibuprofen at a time, getting emails from my supervisor, still in pain, looking at a future with possible surgery in it and wondering you know... What happens if I can't walk? What happens if the pain won't stop and I can't sleep? How will I afford these procedures and specialists?

Because wanna know the other thing that happened? My car died. I had to replace it in a rather emergency fashion. So that was pretty much all the money I had saved up and a new car payment hanging over my head. My health insurance is... not the worst but far from the best. That MRI was covered by most of it, but I still have to pay a portion. So I may not be able to get the care I need at this point.

I'm feeling really overwhelmed and alone. Everyone in my immediate family has passed away. Everyone in my extended family is not interested in helping me out and are hyper religious to boot and do NOT know certain things about me. Keeping them at a distance is for the best. Everyone around me is getting their ass thoroughly kicked by inflation. There's not a lot of hope here. I'm trying very hard not to look at this pain as "this is my life now", where I can't sit for more than 15 minutes at a time and can barely sleep. But, hell, it might be.

The hopeful part... I'm trying to get my general doctor to fill out some paperwork that will make work easier on a lot of levels until I can figure out what I'm doing. So, you know, when I call in my supervisor can't email me and make me feel like shit, that sort of thing. And the physical therapy I'll be getting truly is the most highly recommended first course of action when dealing with something like this. But I sort of wish that specialist hadn't brushed me off after I just received a pretty scary test result. Because now I feel ignored and alone. And I really wish my car had made it a few more months, because now I'm broke, too.

TLDR: I'm broke, my back hurts, and it all sucks.

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rpking99 · 11 months

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Jessica Cruz Origin and how she was fucked up for a while

Ah, Jessica Cruz. My fave Green Lantern

Okay so to start us off simple... Why do I love her? Well... As someone who suffers from anxiety and depression, and has so for years, I always found her inspiring and good representation of what living with that condition can be like

She doesn't just magically get better after getting the ring. She is so scared that some days it's hard for her to leave the house

That pain hits me so hard because it is so relatable to me.

But it also shows why she is PERFECT for the Green Lanterns. Their power comes from Will, from their courage. Their ability to overcome Great Fear. And she overcomes great fear every time she gets out of bed.

Her origin though? Ironically, super complicated. Gonna go with her personal origin first before hero one.

Jessica Cruz and her friend went out camping when... They where basically caught in a slasher movie. All her friends killed. And she only survived thanks to lick

As you can guess: lots of survivors guilt and trauma from this, leading to her mental health issues

And then three months later... She was met with a magical ring

This is how she originally looked, using the code name Power Ring.

So... We all know Earth-3, correct? Evil earth. Batman is Owlman, Superman is Ultraman, Wonder Woman is Superwoman, Flash is Johnny Quick. Evil wins, everyone's the opposite of who they normally are. Going by the Crime Syndicate. We got that? We got that

Okay. So during an event called Forever Evil, the Syndicate invaded earth. Big dramatic fight. The Hal Jordon of Earth-3 died and his ring flew off to find a new user like every Lantern Ring

Now the thing of the Ring of Volthoom, the Ring Power Ring has, it that it is a parasite. It latches onto someone filled with fear and then uses that fear to control them

It found Jess... But so did the Justice League. And they all helped her. Helped her heal, supported her, helped her resist the ring

And then, eventually, she destroyed the Ring of Volthoom.... Summoning a new ring in its place

After all, what shows the ability to ober come fear more than literally shattering a parasitic ring that feeds in fear?

And she rises... As the sixth Lantern of sector 2814

And it was glorious!

What is Jessica Cruz about? Not letting trauma define you. She is about healing and true bravery. She has social anxiety, she has depression, she has self loathing. But she works had to over come it all

...

And then DC fucks or up and makes her a Yellow Lantern! Because heaven help us if we have nice things!

And the worst part for me?

I hate that she ACTUALLY LOOKS GOOD JN YELLOW!

Ugh!

Anyway. On to the Yellow Lantern thing and why THAT is bad.

So first off they turned a disabled character, as well as a character of colour, into a villain

Now. Onto the main issues

Jessica Cruz. She suffers from anxiety and depression. Social anxiety, stress issues, all this sort of stuff.

The Yellow Corps is all about GIVING INTO great fear, as well as being able to CAUSE great feed into others.

I feel like it should be super clear what the issue is here!

It's character regression, it's turning her into the type of person who slaughtered her friends, it's insulting to people with these mental health issues as it implies they should just give into them and lash out at others!

And they have Jess say that the reason she is doing this is because it is "exposure therapy"

Which... NO! NO! FUCKING NO!

Exposure therapy should only be done with a professional there in order to help pull you out when it becomes too much, as well as making sure the exposure is a gradual build. Stepping stones. Not jumping into LITERALLY ALL THE FEAR AT ONCE!

Also it is a bit dubeous on if it works with cases like Jess', classes built from trauma rather than pure paranoia/stress. But I'm not a professional and don't wanna give my opinion as fact here

Luckily she is back in green at this point of the comics but.... Yeah. It's been rocky

#mun talks #nerd talks

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thatgremlinkid · 7 months

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Hi I’m Grem!!!

I’m just here to have fun

READ THIS BEFORE FOLLOWING ME

Stuff About Me🔲

AroPan (Aromatic and Pansexual)

Transmasc

ENG/ESP🇩🇴

I have (undiagnosed) autism and maybe like 2 other mental health issues but I don’t have the means to get therapy and figure out exactly what they are but they’re definitely not pretty

I say super horny shit LMFAOO filter sex mention and sex talk of you don’t wanna see those xoxo

I make KYS/KMS jokes, mostly to friends but I will make some self hating jokes occasionally

I also will probably rant a lot!!! I try to tag everything appropriately so if I miss a tag please let me know! Mute #gremtalks since most of my ranting is there anyway

Current Major Interests🔲

Reverse: 1999

Vocaloid

TOUCHSTARVED

Honkai: Star Rail

The Arcana

Pathologic

Genshin Impact (Dropped playing it since Baizhu’s banner to play more R1999 but I was obsessed with this game for almost 3 full years dawg it had a chokehold on me like crazy.)

DNI🔲

Basic Criteria (Racist, Transphobe, etc)

Heavy Typing Quirks

Loli/Shotacons

AI Art Defensers

DSMP and QSMP (not saying y’all are the same one is obviously worst then the other just bad experiences with people from both fandoms)

Homestuck Fans

Ship RinLen or KaiLen

Rarepair Hater or Non-Multiship

Correlate the way characters names are ordered in ship names with sex positions (ie. who’s top and who’s bottom)

This last part needs extra context but for a TL;DR: Minor x Adult ships and sexualizing minors are disgusting, don’t talk to me if you think they’re ok just because it’s fictional

Alright lets rip this band-aide.

I am not proship nor antiship. People who engage with content that involve minors for sexual gratification disgust me in every way, I don’t care if it’s fiction and I don’t care if there’s a multilayered reason why someone would, but I am not procensorship nor do I support severe harassment. I think people should be allowed to make what ever content they like within their own spaces, it’s everyone’s natural right to do what they want, and I support the use of dark topics if it’s not just fetishization. I myself like gore and monsterfucking stuff so I’m no puritan. I do not go out of my way to harass people or send death threats. That’s all, over and out.

#intro post #blog intro

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waitwiah · 1 year

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Who am I?

\post00\ My name is Alia and motherf***** I’m ill. Like actually though. I’m twenty something and enjoy reading, watching movies, cooking & baking, singing, and watching anime. I’m on my diagnosis journey where I just have a bunch of symptoms that make my life a little difficult. I’ve always wanted to start a blog to share this journey with people who are going through similar things or just a way to share in general. My own personal therapy in lieu of a therapist I guess (while I’m trying to find one). I am trying out this blog thing to see how it goes. So – Welcome to my life. Back to the subject at hand.

What are those symptoms you ask? I’ll name the top five most annoying things:

1. I’m always so damn tired and cannot sleep. The fatigue is one of the worst things I’ve experienced in a long time. I fall asleep standing up, walking, talking, working, etc.

2. *TW talks of medications*: THE PAIN. Oh my goodness gracious the pain. Lay down – pain. Wake up – pain. There is always pain. I have abdominal pain that is officially chronic. I have abdominal pain with movement, rest, touch, and it is even unresponsive to pain medication which is fun. I have tried dilaudid, morphine, fentanyl, hydrocodone, bentyl, mirtazapine, olanzapine, nortriptyline – all of the pain medications and antidepressants out there. I lived an active thick girl life style. Traveling, working out 4 to 5 times a week, eating healthy, and weighed around 220lbs at 5’7”. I know that sounds very heavy. But keep in mind I was deadlifting and squatting 400lbs at one point and had just hit a bench press PR right before all of this happened. Ugh. Anyway.

3. *TW talks of sharp objects and w*ightloss & d*ath*: THE PAIN part 2. I have what is called “postprandial” abdominal pain. Every time I eat or drink anything I get what I like to call “the stabbies”. What are the stabbies you may ask? The stabbies are the sensation I feel whenever I eat or drink; like a million tiny razorblades slicing and stabbing my insides. SO I DO NOT EAT OR DRINK. I know, I know. It sounds crazy. “Just suck it up” one may say (just like most of my doctors say). But imagine being in the worst pain of your life because you opened your eyes or performed some other basic bodily function – it’s not so easy to suck it up. Because my intake had decreased so dramatically I was dying; skin mottled, lost 80lbs, bones sticking out, breasts deflated, ASS DONE FELL OFF. Not a single one of my clothing items fit me and I had to spend a bunch of money on new clothes that only temporarily fit because I continue to lose weight. Now I have a feeding tube that goes directly into my intestine so it completely bypasses my stomach. This has quintupled my caloric intake, but I still continue to lose weight…

4. Gastroparesis – kind of. According to Mayo Clinic, gastroparesis is a condition that affects the normal spontaneous movement of the muscles (motility) in your stomach. I have delayed stomach emptying and a slow intestine. This could be contributing to the pain that I experience but a lot of my docs don’t seem to think this is related and I’m not sure why. Because everything moves so slow and releases into the intestine spontaneously, my blood sugar takes random swings downwards causing me to have altered mental status. And because my intestines move slowly I’m prone to TMI fecal impactions (stool back ups).

5. THE SEIZURES. I have seizures whenever my blood sugar drops quickly that present as altered mental status or focal aware seizures where parts of my face jump or droop. Because of state laws, you cannot drive until 6 months of no seizures or altered mental status episodes. So that takes away a lot of freedom.

There are plenty more but these are the ones that make my life the most difficult. I’m always open to connect with others with similar symptoms or those who just wanna chat about things. I will try to blog about different topics once per week and do a little vlog action over on tiktok (@ro_lamperouge) weekly as well. Thanks for reading 💕

#undiagnosed #health blog #tiktok #vlog #new blog #wiah #health #healthy #health journal #health journey #chronically ill #chronic illness

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nothoughtsonlynat · 3 years

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Resurrect Me: Part 2 (N.R.)

Part One

Huge shoutout to @confusinggemini612 who requested this a loooong time ago and I’m just now getting to it (I am so sorry for the wait). I hope this is what you had in mind :)

Warnings: swearing; PTSD; mentions of suicide/self-sacrifice

Word count: 2.6k

EIGHT MONTHS LATER

The cool breeze blows through my hair, the hand in mine being the only source of warmth in the chill of the Russian countryside. As we walk closer, a chorus of pigs snorting fills my ears. Natasha had given me a brief rundown and a quick pep talk before taking me to meet her family. Now, it was game time.

“Are you ready?”

“Not in the slightest,” I respond to the redhead.

“Let’s do it then,” she says with a smirk, to which I reply with a scoff.

We walk through the gate and enter the small house, immediately hearing three distinct voices, each laced with a thick Russian accent. The voices hush as the door closes behind us, and a blonde woman is the first to greet us.

“Ah, сестра! Mom and Dad are flirting again, let’s make a run for it,” Yelena whisper-yells.

“So put a sedative in their vodka or something, I don’t know,” Natasha replies. I’m not sure if I should introduce myself or not, so I just stand there awkwardly.

“They are both spies, they’re not going to fall for- actually, Alexei would, but Mom would never fall for that,” Yelena pauses as she notices me. She looks me from head to toe and squints before her lips quirk into a smirk. “And who might this be? Is this your little girlfriend?”

“Yelena, don’t be an ass,” Nat grumbles with a scowl.

“Hi, I’m Y/N. It’s nice to meet you.”

Yelena hums before turning back to Natasha. “She’s definitely your girlfriend.”

“Oh shut up,” Natasha whines, walking further into the house. I look at Yelena and nod in confirmation before following Nat. I hear her whisper “I knew it” from behind me, causing me to laugh. Natasha turns to give me a questioning look, but I just brush it off with a shrug and a smirk. She narrows her eyes and opens her mouth to say something, but is cut off by a deep, booming voice.

“Natasha! Welcome home! Look at this, all my girls back together again! It is so nice to see you,” Alexei says, moving forward to pinch Natasha’s cheeks. She gently pushes him away with a scowl, and I can’t tell if she’s really uncomfortable or not. Either way, it brings my guard up, ready to defend her.

“And who might this be?” Alexei questions, turning to face me.

“Dad, this is Y/N,” she says before I can answer. I offer a kind smile.

Yelena, who had made her way to the kitchen table with a bottle of vodka, says “She’s Natasha’s girlfriend.”

“Thank you for the input, Yelena,” Natasha says with a tight-lipped smile.

“Girlfriend, huh? When did that happen? Natasha, I was not aware that you, uh, how do you say? Swing that way?” A dark-haired woman slaps his arm for his comment and he exclaims, “Ow!”

“Pay him no mind, Natasha. He is a bit slow, but Mama always knew. You were not very discreet about the way you looked at that Hannah girl in Ohio. And as for you, it is nice to meet you. I’m Melina, what is your name?” Her demeanor is friendly, but her gaze is skeptical. She’s probably already planning how to kill me if she decides that I’m not good enough for her daughter.

“I’m Y/N. It’s nice to meet you, too,” I say with a nervous smile.

“Alright, guys, that’s enough. Please stop harassing my girlfriend,” Natasha says with a sigh.

“Come, sit,” Yelena commands with a wave, still sitting at the kitchen table.

I sit across from her and Natasha sits next to me. Melina and Alexei follow soon after, with Alexei sitting at the head of the table and Melina sitting next to Yelena.

“Here you go,” Yelena says as she slides me a shot glass full of vodka. I clink it against hers in the air and down it in one go, grimacing at the burn. “Are you alright?” Yelena asks with a smirk, clearly enjoying my agony.

“Oh, yeah, I’m great. Just not used to Russian vodka, that’s all.” Yelena nods, satisfied with my answer, before going to pour me another shot.

Natasha stops her by saying, “Yelena, no more vodka. You’re going to kill her.”

“You’re no fun,” the younger sister says, but complies, nonetheless.

“Natasha, you are slouching again. Sit up straight,” Melina interjects.

“Mom, I’m not slouching. I told you I don’t slouch,” Nat protests.

“So how did you two meet?” Yelena asks, interrupting the banter.

“Oh, we met in New York during the invasion, when the Avengers were formed,” I answer.

“You are an Avenger! I knew you looked familiar. Tell me, does Captain America ever mention me, the great Red Guardian? I could kick his ass, you know. I’ve done it before,” Alexei says, causing the three Russian women to groan and complain.

“That never happened, Dad,” Yelena mumbles at the same time Natasha says, “He doesn’t talk about you because you guys have never met.”

I raise my eyebrows at them. They seem awfully familiar with this conversation; how often does Alexei say this crap?

“So, Y/N. What happened when you guys brought everyone back? How did you do it? Natasha won't tell me,” Yelena questions. I chuckle nervously, glancing at Natasha, who is clearly uncomfortable with this topic of discussion.

“Um, I don’t know if I should… It’s complicated, really,” I say, trailing off.

“Yelena, stop. It doesn’t matter. And don’t put her in the middle of things,” Natasha responds, defending me. An awkward silence fills the room until Alexei speaks up again.

“He really hasn’t mentioned me? Have you even asked him about me?”

<//>

“Why won’t you tell them what happened?” I ask quietly. It’s nighttime now, and I’m lying in bed next to Nat in the guest room. She seemed so uncomfortable, and it’s been worrying me since.

“They just don’t need to know,” she replies shortly

“But they got snapped away, Natty. Don’t you think they deserve more of an explanation than what they’ve seen on the news?”

“Don’t tell me what to do with my family, Y/N.” Her sharp tone feels like a blade to the heart, but I take a deep breath and soften my resolve, knowing that she’s only snapping at me because something else is upsetting her.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to push. I just, I can tell that something is upsetting you. You can’t just bottle stuff up, Nat. It doesn’t have to be me if you’re not comfortable, but you need to talk to someone about it.”

She doesn’t respond immediately. “I’ve told them. I gave them the basics: Thanos snapped people away, we time traveled, got magical stones, snapped people back, and then killed Thanos. That satisfied my parents, but Yelena wants to know the whole story.”

“And you’re not comfortable retelling it?”

“Parts of it are bearable, but… I can’t think about it. You almost killed yourself for me, Y/N. You did die for me. I can’t think about that day, let alone tell my baby sister about it,” she says. Her voice is quiet, breaking as the tears flood her eyes. I pull her head into my chest and run my fingers through her hair.

“I’m right here, Natty. I’m not going anywhere, I promise. You don’t have to tell anyone about what happened. I was terrified of losing you on Vormir. I hate talking about it, too.”

“Is that why you went to Dr. Garcia?”

“Partly. There were other reasons, too.” I hesitated before continuing. “I kept hearing the tortured screams. When I slept, in my head, everywhere I went. I heard them all the time. And I would get random whiffs of burning flesh. As you know, I went to the Underworld when I ‘died’ and I guess it just affected me more than I had originally thought.”

“Angel, why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve helped.”

“I didn’t want to worry you, or freak you out. The whole thing was pretty weird. For a while, I honestly thought I was haunted. It was probably pretty selfish, but I didn’t wanna scare you away.”

“You could never scare me away. But just to be clear, you aren’t haunted, right?”

I laugh quietly. “No, I am not haunted. A mild case of PTSD, but I’m doing better now. The therapy helped a lot.”

“Do you think it would help me? I still get nightmares sometimes...of you going over that cliff. I just, I close my eyes and you’re gone, and I hate it.”

“I’m so sorry, my love. I hate how much pain I’ve caused you. But I do think it would help. We can find someone when we get back home, yeah?”

“Yeah. I love you, Y/N.”

“I love you, Natty.”

<//>

“Just do it! It will be fun! I will go easy, I swear,” Yelena begs.

“Okay, fi-”

“No! No way in Hell. You are not sparring with her,” Natasha argues.

“I’ll be fine. Worst case scenario, she kicks my ass,” I say.

“Actually, I’m pretty sure the worst case scenario would be if I accidentally killed you,” Yelena says flatly. “But that won’t happen! Please, Natasha. I want to see what she’s got,” she pleads with a pout.

Natasha sighs and rolls her eyes, muttering something under her breath about us being a bunch of children. “Fine, but if you so much as scratch her-”

“Y/N will be fine. Come on,” Yelena says, grabbing my hand and dragging me into the backyard.

Thirty minutes later, I’m flat on my back in the grass, wheezing. I groan as I attempt to sit up, the whole world spinning as I do.

“Yelena! What the hell did I say?! You literally threw her,” Natasha yells.

“No, no. I’m good,” I say weakly.

“Well, I wasn’t expecting her to be so...defenseless.”

“I am not defenseless,” I counter.

“You cannot even throw a punch,” the blonde deadpans.

“That doesn’t make her defenseless,” Nat says as she helps me to my feet. “She could take every single one of you out right now without even moving.”

From a few feet away, Melina quirks an eyebrow and Alexei mumbles “she could not take me out.”

“You are delusional, Natasha. How are we supposed to trust this woman to protect you when she cannot even protect herself?”

“She can protect both of us just fine, Yelena. Not that I need anyone’s protection.”

“Your sister has a point,” Melina tells Nat. “Sorry, Y/N,” she adds. I open my mouth to speak, but don’t even know what to say. This is my worst nightmare.

“You must be able to punch when you are in trouble! Much like I did to Captain America back in the day,” Alexei adds.

“Alright, enough. I’ll have you know that Y/N is one of the most powerful Avengers. Actually, she’s a literal goddess,” Natasha snaps.

“Well, of course you would think so. You are her girlfriend,” Melina says.

“Guys, I’m being serious!”

“Do not get snappy with us. We are just looking out for you,” Alexei says.

“I don’t need-”

“Somebody has to be there to keep you safe, and this girl could not bring harm to a plant,” Melina remarks.

“I’m literally standing right here,” I mumble under my breath.

“She literally saved my life! How is that not keeping me safe?!” My eyes widen; what happened to not revealing that tidbit of information?

“What do you mean? You saved her life?” Yelena asks as she turns to address me.

“If it wasn’t for her, I would be dead right now. And you guys never would’ve come back,” Natasha retorts, clenching her jaw.

“What? Why? What happened,” Yelena rambles. I can see the worry etched on her face, and it makes her look oddly childlike. It almost makes me want to pull her into a hug, but I’m fairly certain she’d throat punch me if I tried.

“On a planet called Vormir. A life needed to be sacrificed to get one of the Infinity Stones. It was me, Clint, or Y/N. I tried, but Y/N stopped me. That’s what I mean.” Natasha is seething. She clearly didn’t appreciate her family’s doubts.

“You tried to kill yourself?” Yelena addresses Natasha, but no one has the chance to answer her before Melina speaks up.

“If you sacrificed yourself, then how are you here?”

“It’s complicated,” I say with hesitance. “I am technically a goddess. I have many different powers, but most of them deal with death. When I died, I went to the Underworld, where I met my mother, Hecate, who is a goddess. Then, I came back. Resurrection is one of my powers. I know it’s a lot to take in, but that’s the truth.”

It’s silent for a minute as everyone processes my words. Everyone is staring at me with bewilderment, except for Yelena, who hasn’t taken her eyes off of her sister. Her eyebrows are furrowed, and a deep frown rests upon her lips.

“You tried to kill yourself?” Yelena repeats, this time only a whisper. Natasha finally turns to look at her younger sister and her mouth bobs open and closed, seemingly unsure of what to say.

“I didn’t have a choice, Yelena,” Natasha finally says.

“You saved her?” the blonde asks me.

I hesitantly nod my head. “Yes, I guess I did.”

“Thank you,” she whispers, giving a curt nod before turning and walking mechanically back into the house. I awkwardly clear my throat and turn my gaze to the ground.

“Will you show us?” I raise my head to look at Alexei, confusion crossing my features at his request. “Will you show us your powers, I mean.”

“Dad…” Natasha warns.

“No, it’s okay. I can show you a little bit,” I say, right before teleporting away. I watch from a hill in the distance as Alexei looks frantically around him. I can hear him asking where I went, which makes me laugh.

I teleport into the house and walk around, looking for Yelena. I walk into a bedroom and find her sitting on the floor with a bottle of vodka. “Hey, are you okay? We didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I’m fine. Because learning that your sister almost died and there was nothing you could’ve done to prevent it is so much fun,” she scoffs.

“I’m sorry. We probably could’ve broken the news a bit softer.” I sit on the ground next to her, leaving about a foot of space between us.

“It’s not your fault,” she murmurs. “I’m sorry for doubting you.”

“Don’t be. I am a horrible fighter,” I joke. She chuckles slightly, nodding in agreement.

“That you are. Can I see some of your magic, or whatever it is?” I hold out my hand and black mist dances above it with eerie elegance. I close my fist as it fades away, lowering my hand.

“Cool,” she says with a crooked smile. We hear the front door open and three sets of footsteps entering the house. I hear Nat calling my name.

“You okay?” I check one last time.

“I’m good. Thank you, Y/N, for saving my sister.”

“I’d do anything for her, Yelena. You don’t have to thank me for it.”

The bedroom door opens and Natasha’s head pokes in. “Y/N, we thought you’d completely left for a minute. Everything okay in here?”

Yelena and I look at each other and I look back to Natasha, overwhelmed with love for the redead. I smile and say, “Yeah, everything is just fine.”

#natasha romanoff #natasha romanoff x reader #Black Widow #black widow x reader #natasha romanoff fic #natasha romanoff fluff #natasha x reader #yelena belova

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thebeautysurrounds · 3 years

Text

THIS CONTAINS SLIGHT SPOILERS FOR NEVER HAVE I EVER S2 READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

This is quite long I had a lot to unpack.

Since watching the 2nd season of Never Have I Ever a few things have been bothering me about the way people are reacting to Devi, and the show overall but mostly Devi. First of all she’s what a sophomore in high school? and she’s doing this all while being the only brown girl (up until kinda the middle of S2) and still dealing with grief and having absolutely no idea who she is yet. To me outside of being an honor roll student she is not doing things FOR HER she is doing this to appease her mother. Who while she means well pushing Devi to succeed to certain extremes which if Devi shows the slightest behavior of fucking up her mother makes harsh comments instead of understanding Devi is a literal teenager and needs room for fucking up.

Is Devi hella unreasonable at times? YES does she often times act strictly on impulse without a second thought…YES. But as a girl who virtually has no one outside of her friends who also are staring to drift from her and get into their first relationships themselves and have their own activities she essentially is left to navigate the world and her teenage angst alone. While I will give Nalini credit for all the work and time she has put in to not only being a single mother and navigating her own grief but also being a working mother who is a doctor and quite possibly has her own struggles with being a brown women in that filed. My problem lies with her not being able to balance or even let go of a strong arm parenting style that mostly focuses on Devi’s fuck up more than her accomplishments and makes comments on how her fuck ups that haven’t even happened yet. I’m not sure Nalini even realizes Devi is at the very very top of her class because I truly believe (after S1) even though Nalini apologized to Devi Nalini has a ‘hoping for the best but expecting the worst’ attitude when it comes to Devi and that’s in the for front of her mind so much she doesn’t realize Devi goes above and beyond not only for herself but to make her mother proud of her all for her mother to just not acknowledge that.

Now with Devi’s characterization I get where some people are coming from on saying Devi shouldn’t have been “boy crazy” or that they “ruined her character development” but here’s my problem those critiques while valid and your allowed to have those opinions…It’s just not really realistic and let me tell you why like I stated Devi is what a sophomore in high school and she has made it a abundantly clear her parents forbid her to date cause it’s school and extra curriculars only. Which will lead to a good college which thus will turn into a good career. While that’s all well and good. I don’t think y’all realize the FOMO of being in high school and growing up with very strict parents, and wanting to have your first relationship. Wanting to be an actual teenager and not wanting to think about 3-4 years down the line which most teenagers don’t/can’t visualize cause it’s not the right now. Devi wants to have those experiences and there’s nothing wrong with that does she go about it the right way…not exactly but y’all act like YOU have never been a teenager and said and done awful things out of anger or just pure immature stupidity. For the boy crazy part Devi is literally having her first feelings and experiences with boys she has 0 clue what she is doing outside of probably books, tv, movies and what her friends assume they know (even though they mean well) the only person Devi would remotely trusts is gone, and she can’t ask her mother cause her mother would honestly probably shut her down and make her feel guilty for even wanting to start having her first experiences with boys. Y’all have such a warped view of not only real teenagers and high school aged kids but also fictional ones. Y’all are so use to shows having protagonist being awful or starting off kinda okay but then their character turns awful and remains that way. What some of you fail to realize is actual teenagers and “teenagers” in shows can/are VERY morally grey.

Should Devi have been honest and possibly communicated to both Ben and Paxton that she has some sort of feelings for them both..possibly but Devi is a teenager do you think she is having a in depth analysis and talk with herself (outside of a pros and cons list) about what infatuation versus lust versus genuine connection versus romantic attraction looks like probably not. Let’s also analyze how she literally goes from being in her eyes forgettable to being noticed and even though it’s not talked about in the show explicitly she honestly probably struggles with self esteem/self image issues. To go from being a girl who to her no one cares about/notices to one who is getting the attention of two boys who are in Devi’s eyes attractive in their own right. She is so consumed with two guys ACTUALLY being interested in her that she fails to realize she is/and will hurt them both, Do I think Paxton is genuinely attracted to Devi…maybe. But I’m still on the fence about their relationship to me in the beginning I felt Paxton felt Devi is just another meaningless high school fling that he will forget about once he gets to college but to Devi here’s this guy who is “popular” very attractive and he pays attention to her is she looking at the semantics of the situation and how Paxton is more than likely just using her and is only engaging with Devi to get a passing grade and to basically give her the superficial experience of a “high school boyfriend” no she’s not she’s looking at it like here’s this guy who is attractive and he wants to be with someone like me. But do I also believe Devi in S1 was using Paxton and then fell for him DEFINITELY but I will give credit to Paxton for trying at a real relationship with Devi and I hope he will try to be more open and honest.

Do I think Ben likes Devi I honestly do, While the insensitive jokes (exchanged between both) should be discussed I think Ben over time started to see Devi as a girl who finally saw him not the rich, annoying, know it all. But in his view Devi and him are on equal playing fields because they are both overly driven smart individuals and when she said yes to going out with him it was probably the first time he felt like a girl saw the real him. While Ben too more than likely struggles with abandonment issues him dating Devi in a way made him feel like this was the first time he could actual be happy about something cause it was something he actually wanted and not something he just did to earn points in others books and impress people he genuinely got something on his own and that he was actually happy not a front he put on. To me Ben’s abandonment issues come out even more than in S1 when he tells Devi why he’s so hurt and it’s the night of the party when she runs after Paxton (who he sees has it all) and Devi doesn’t “choose him” Do I think Ben and Devi should date cause they share some form of the same trauma no. But again Devi is not use and doesn’t even know what to do with the attention of two people. Again is Devi looking at the semantics of her relationship with Ben…No. I don’t think Devi even realizes she’s quite literally hurting two people cause we could also discuss how Ben and Paxton probably have had other flings and relationships without a second thought while Devi having no relationship experiences and this is territory for her and she has no idea what she is doing or how to properly navigate this situation.

I’m almost done with this long ass rant I promise but it’s two more things I want to make light of/point out I don’t think anyone really gives Devi credit for still going to therapy, loosing a parent is unbearable especially loosing one as young as Devi did, especially when you feel the only parent that truly understood and supported you is gone. Devi doing things that are impulsive and unreasonable because she quite literally has no guidance her mother is only consumed with Devi not making the family “look bad” Devi’s grief is so heavy and she feels she’s going at it alone because her mother doesn’t take genuine time to talk to her. Now was Devi “stalking” her mother extremely inappropriate yes for sure but do Nalini and her need to communicate better for Devi to understand that her mother wasn’t dating sure even if Nalini was on a date their should have been communication there. Devi will probably never stop grieving her father hell he literally came to her in a dream to tell her she deserves better when it came to “dating” Paxton and Nalini will probably never stop grieving her husband but she deserves happiness too and I believe if Devi and Nalini were both honest with each other her slowly dating again wouldn’t have been a problem. Another point I wanna make connecting Devi, Paxton, and Ben is they all have this view that the grass is greener on the other side and that’s just not the case. Ben is jealous of Paxton cause he feels he has the “Perfect life” but in actuality Paxton is extremely flawed and honestly insecure his own family doesn’t believe in him and he knows people only like him because he is attractive, while Paxton looks at Ben like this, while annoying Ben is smart, rich, and no one ever questions Ben’s intelligence but in actuality Ben is very lonely and has spent most of his life alone or being raised by other people which has caused him to put on a huge front to people and often times overcompensate in his social life, and Devi looks at other girls like they have it all and have 0 struggles or problems (I.e her views on Anissa) but Devi fails to realize thy also struggle, are insecure, is struggling with mental illness, and don’t have themselves figured out, and Devi is looking at this man her mom is “dating” as if he’s taking something away but In actuality he is experiencing his own losses. All in all Never Have I Ever gets teenage angst and messy problematic morally grey teenagers right and the fact that y’all beg for more “flawed or problematic” characters and when you get them you don’t like that they are just that it’s odd to me it seems like y’all only want problematic characters if it’s how you see fit.

TL;DR: Y’all need to stop acting like y’all weren’t gross annoying and had fuck ups as teenagers y’all should really stop pretending like teenagers in real and some of us as teens didn’t have/engage in relationships that weren’t good but we learned from it while this show isn’t real it shows y’all will scream let people fuck up and let them grow but you don’t actually mean it. Devi is a teenager and requires room to grow she even admits she acts out and is impulsive but y’all act like she’s supposed to have the self awareness of a 60 year old.

#netflix never have i ever #never have i ever season 2 #tv show #never have i ever #devi vishwakumar #paxton hall yoshida #ben gross #nalini vishwakumar #maitreyi ramakrishnan #darren barnet #Poorna Jagannathan #jaren lewison #rant #analysis #spoilers #never have I ever spoilers #I wrote this at like 2am so if it doesn’t make much sense 🤷🏾‍♀️#I just had to get these thoughts out there cause it’s been on my mind

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nishisun · 3 years

Text

couples therapy w/ KUROO!

pairing: kenma kozume x reader

summery: y/n and kenma attend “couples therapy” little did y/n know, there would be a rather pleasant suprised.

genre: just fluff and tiny angst

a/n: this is really rushed because ik y’all are waiting for another dorm buddies part so i wrote this in the middle of the night cause i was bored. i hope you like it LWNAJDHAJDHD. also, i hate reading my works so if there’s any errors i apologize

[recording. patients: kenma kozume & l/n y/n]

[kuroo] hello, kenma-san, l/n-san. how are you both doing today?

[kenma] why are we doing this again?

[kuroo] well KENMA, i already told you, this is good for my training and even better for my resume!

[kuroo] back to the question, y/n-san?

[y/n] (sighs) to be honest, i could be better.

[y/n] uh, kuroo, no need for the honorific titles.

[kuroo] right. kenma?

[kenma] i’ve been.. okay.

[kuroo] okay, so, one of your close friends, kuroo-san i think it was, scheduled you both for this session in which you both agreed to take, am i right?

[y/n] ... aren’t you—

[kenma] ...

[y/n] (looks at kenma, and then sighs and looks back at kuroo) uh— yeah, we did.

[kuroo] okay so, first, i want to know the reasons why you both are here, starting with kenma.

[kuroo] kenma, why are you here today?

[kenma] because you forced me to

[kuroo] ...

[kuroo] A for effort kenma! but that’s not the only reason.

[kenma] well, i’m here to... better this relationship.

[kuroo] okay, why?

[kenma] ... what?

[kuroo] why do you want to better this relationship you have with y/n?

[kenma] ... i don’t know.

[y/n] (scoffs) kozume, really?

[kenma] (shrugs)

[kuroo] so, you don’t know why you want to better this relationship?

[kenma] ...

[kuroo] well, if that’s the case, why are you here? do you want y/n to leave?

[kenma] ...

[y/n] (scoffs) kuroo, thank you so much for attempting to help, but i think it’s just best i go—

[kenma] no! wait. please y/n, wait.

[y/n] kenma, you know i’m trying my best to be patient with you, but it seems to me like you’re not putting effort! i’ve really tried. i did. all i’m asking is to at least put some effort.

[kenma] i know, i know you are. i’m sorry.

[y/n] it’s fine, kozume.

[kuroo] alright then, kenma—

[kenma] i want to better this relationship... because i care about y/n. a lot.

[kuroo] and?

[kenma] and..? (looks at y/n) and uh.. because she makes me happy. i feel.. happier when she’s with me.

[kuroo] thank you so much for sharing. now, y/n, why are you here today?

[y/n] i’m here because i’m willing to give kenma and this relationship a second chance.

[kuroo] (writes notes) that’s very good to hear. thank you for sharing that.

[kuroo] now, it has come to my attention that you both are currently not together, am i right?

(kenma and y/n glance at each other)

[kenma] ...

[y/n] uh, yes, that’s true.

[kuroo] okay. (shuffles through notes) now, a week before you both came here, i asked you both to come here with a video—

[kenma] kuroo, maybe the video isn’t necessary—

[y/n] video? i wasn’t aware of a—

[kuroo] ah, yes. let me rephrase that. i asked kenma actually, he insisted.

[kenma] you forced me—

[kuroo] not important!

[y/n] kenma?

[kenma] (sighs) i... made a video... apologizing because i didn’t think you’d want to see me.. and i’m bad at communicating... kuroo thought it was a good idea.

[kuroo] would you like to see the video, y/n?

[y/n] yes please

[kuroo] okay, i’m just gonna leave and let you both watch the video.

[kenma] maybe i should come with you-

[kuroo] no. (slams door)

——

“okay, it’s recording!” kuroo says behind the camera, giving kenma a thumbs up.

“kuroo honestly, this seems stupid. i don’t even know what to say.”

“say whatever comes in your head. this is a great way for you to realize how important y/n is to you.” he reassures behind the camera. kenma gives kuroo an unsure look as he plays around with his fingers.

kenma sighs and gives kuroo a bored look as he’s adjusting the angle of the camera and once he catches kenma staring, he straightens up and sighs as well. “kenma, you’re not good with words. yes, i know this. making this video is a great way for you to release emotions that you’ve concealed. i know you may think it’s stupid right now, but you’ll be suprised how much you’ve said by the end of this. even if you decide to keep this video to yourself, you’ll feel better. trust me.”

kenma nods slightly, still giving kuroo an unsure look as he readjusted the camera once more.

“pretend i’m not even here!”

“i’m trying to but you keep talking.”

“right. i’ll stop”

“uh.. hi y/n. if you’re seeing this, i want you to know that I’m... sorry for not being there for you when you needed me the most. I’m sorry for neglecting you in our relationship. I’m sorry that it took me so long to realize you were the one for me.” kenma looks down at the ground, pursing his lips and sighs. he looks behind the camera to see a smiling kuroo who’s shaking his head, signaling that kenma should keep going.

“I love you, so much. The truth is, I’m not very good at expressing my feelings, which you already know and you’ve accepted me for it. i just wanna tell you that i really do appreciate that. not a lot of people can handle someone like me and the fact that you could just proves how amazing you are.” kenma is looking everywhere but the camera. he looks up at the ceiling and smiles as he reminisces the first time he met you.

“When you first told me you loved me, I warned you, saying ��You do know what you’re going to be dealing with, right?’ and you told me, and i remember, with a proud and positive voice you said , ‘Yes, I do. And i’m willing to have the best time with you, even if it’s going to end up being the best romance or the worst heart break.’” I laughed at that. You used to crack me up all the time. I missed that.

“Nowadays, I lay on my bed that used to be ours, staring at the wall for hours wishing you were there with me. Crazy, isn’t it? Because when you were with me I never wanted to do anything with you. Well, that’s not the case. It’s not that i didn’t want anything to do with you, i just... i don’t really know. As stupid as it sounds.. i didn’t think you deserved someone like me. You were— are still too good for me. I guess.. i always pushed you away because I wanted you to realize that.” kenma let’s out a silent laugh and sighs. He looks at kuroo for a brief moment and then looks away, fumbling with his fingers.

“uh... it’s been hard to do a lot of things without you lately. Remember when you’d always have to remind me to eat? Even though I pushed you away, you’d still try to get me to eat because you cared so much for my well-being. You always put me first and I hate myself for not doing the same when it came to you.”

“I miss you so much. I miss your voice. I miss everything about you and it hurts me so much that you’re gone... That I was the one that let you go. Everyday I lay in bed wondering if i should call you just to hear your voice. I wonder if you’d answer. Probably not. You probably hate me for letting you go. Trust me, I hate myself for it too. I hate that it took me actually letting you go for me to realize just how much i needed you.”

“It’s quiet at home. It doesn’t even feel like home without you, y/n. I miss the TV being on your favorite show at 9 in the morning as you’d sit on the couch with both our breakfast set on the table as you waited for me to wake up and eat with you.” kenma puts his hands on his face and sighs again for what seems like the hundredth time today.

“i’m an idiot.”

“kenma, no you aren’t. although you haven’t been.. the smartest recently, i’m happy you’re realizing your mistakes. you’re doing great by the way.” kuroo says, giving the faux blond a reassuring smile.

“thank you.” kenma nods.

“I’m sorry for all the pain I caused you. When I broke up with you, I hated the pained expression you had on your face. I thought I was doing what was best for you without even letting you have a say. You were begging me to not do this to you, but I didn’t listen.”

“I’m not trying to make this video to seek your forgiveness.. i’m probably not going to show this to you anyway. i’ll keep this as a lesson to not let go of the one person you love the most because i love you, y/n.”

“is that it?” kuroo asks,

“uh...” kenma thinks for a second, and then shakes his head “yeah. i think i’m done.”

—

By now you’re already tearing up. Tears of joy. You know how hard this must’ve been for Kenma but the fact that he was willing to step out of his comfort zone for you spoke volumes. He was sitting next to you, as you stared down at the phone that had already turned off covering your mouth and it’s your hands. Kenma didn’t know whether to comfort you, scared that you may reject his touch.

“i’m... sorry—“

“dont, kenma.” you sigh. kenma has a pained expression on his face.

You wipe your tears off your face and look up at him giving him a smile. Out of nowhere, a sudden urge of confidence came through you and you basically tackling him in a hug.

“you’re an idiot, you know that, right?”

“yeah, i know.” kenma huffs out a laugh as you chuckle. he hugs you back, gripping you tight with fear that this moment might end.

“i’ve missed you.” kenma places his head in the crook of your neck, inhaling your scent as he plays with his fingers that are wrapped around you.

“i’ve missed you too,” you break off the hug and sit up straight next to him. he’s looking at you— staring actually, you don’t think he’s aware of what he’s doing. “earth to kenma?” you wave your hand in front of his face and he rubs his eyes and chuckles.

“sorry.” he turns and faces forward, still having a small smile on his face.

“hey, what’s up with all of these apologies? are you gonna do something or not?”

kenma turns back to you in confusion, furrowing his brows and you cross your arms smirking, waiting for kenma to understand. Once he finally understands what you’re trying to say, he’s the one hugging you.

“will you take me back, y/n?” he asks— or mumbles. you don’t care though. he’s done enough today. what matters is that he tried. why wouldn’t you give him a second chance?

“of course i will, kozume.” you say, rubbing his back. “hey kenma,”

“hm?”

“a video, really?”

“shut up, i don’t want to talk about it. i just really missed you, okay.”

you laugh at that. you hear the door of that room open. it was kuroo, who was already having a smirk on his face. that idiot.

“a new couple in town, might i ask?”

“oh fuck off, kuroo.” kenma mumbles through your chest, you and kuroo laugh at how annoyed kenma seems.

“see kenma, i told you. chicks love romantic gestures.” kenma lifts his head up from where it’s resting in your chest and glares at kuroo.

“i wouldn’t say that was romantic, but it’s the thought that counts i guess!” you laugh, kenma turns back to look at you and you can’t help but laugh once again at kenma’s expressive facial expressions “but it was cute though. i loved it, baby.”

kenma drops his head back in your chest with a grumble and you caress his hair as kuroo crosses his arms and looks at you both with a smile.

“you guys are soulmates.” he says.

“you think so?”

“nah,” his shakes his head, “i know so.”

tags: @tazinva

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everything-withered · 4 years

Text

Tony in this and Bucky just bluescreens

I would like to solemnly remind you that this is your fault.

---

Basic lab and workshop safety dictates everything from protective googles and clothing, but when Tony can bend the rules, he does.

It's partly because, after the bunker, Extremis was pumped into his veins and he's now, against his will, indestructible, and isn't a hundred percent cool with it. But really, the main cause for his flippant approach to basic safety standards is for the look on Bucky's face when he's expected to be in for a maintenance session.

It's not really necessary. Shuri isn't the type to make anything that would require regular sessions, but well, Tony's not really complaining.

At least now he wasn't.

When Bucky had first arrived, Tony ranted and raved about the weekly checks Bucky's arm needed, loudly and often, but Shuri, who has sat through endlessly boring meetings with dignitaries since she was in diapers, had the stamina for it and the kind of unimpressed expression only royalty could master. Tony never stood a chance.

And Bucky, as a result, wouldn't either.

Because see, Tony isn't upset that he's being forced to make nice with his mother's killer. That's. For therapy. And BARF. And about a dozen other healthier coping mechanisms to deal with. No. Tony's annoyed because Bucky's been flustered and embarrassed and is always really really sorry for being an inconvenience, and Tony doesn't know how to deal with it.

So, he doesn't.

He acts like a little shit because that's his default setting, and turns up his personality to feign as much nonchalance over the whole situation as possible.

At first it's with the fancy suits and the tech and the busy schedule.

Bucky's eyes widen and he flushes again, and he's definitely a little impressed. Just a little.

It's glamorous and flattering until it isn't. Until it rubs wrong and rings of arrogance and breeds resentment because that's what always happens, that's what everyone thinks eventually.

Bucky is not everyone.

In fact, his apologies for the inconvenience he's causing Tony get more earnest, and it makes Tony's skin fit wrong when Bucky starts asking very seriously if Tony's taking care of himself properly what with all of Tony's other commitments.

"Especially with all the work you already do," he'd said, a concern furrow in his brow. "I don't want to put you out, the arm can wait, really. I don't want to be a bother. Have you eaten yet? I can get you something. When was the last time you rested because there's really no rush on the arm, we can reschedule, I don't mind."

And not enough people care to care about Tony when he's got that particular mask on that Tony can't maintain it. Not in the face of Bucky's sincerity and genuine concern.

Tony still thinks it's some kind of ploy though so he turns to Plan B: He gets comfortable.

The suits are exchanged for well-worn jeans and band t-shirts. The only product in his hair is engine grease, and he doesn't bother to hide the gleam in his eye when he gets really caught up in his work.

Tony looks the part of the manic genius, and waits for Bucky's concern to morph into hesitation and then annoyance because Tony doesn't have the time or consideration for the trivial matters of mortals.

Tony doesn't miss the softening in Bucky's expression though Tony can't say why there's an answering ache in his chest for it, so he takes to teasing and making off colour jokes and saying things he'd usually only ever say to the bots and Rhodey.

Bucky, to Tony's surprise, is entertained and amused, and to Tony's horror, very similar in his humour if more charming and polite about it. That Bucky remains persistently thoughtful about Tony's general well-being is particularly awe-inspiring considering how many people in his life have come to just brush his disregard to his health as an eccentricity.

Not that Tony has much time for that thought when he's still caught up on how it shouldn't be so attractive to him that Bucky gets his sarcasm and wit, and how the considering look in Bucky's eyes never seem to falter, only change and evolve with every new side to himself Tony reveals to him.

But all of it, Bucky's interest, Bucky's care, is tugging at something Tony hasn't given himself time or emotions to consider since Pepper, and Tony really does have the worst luck.

When he complains to Shuri -- because she brought Bucky to his doorstep so clearly she is to blame -- the princess gets a look in her eye, and says smugly, "I knew you two would get along."

"What makes you say that?" Tony scoffs to hide the little bubble of hope that's risen in his chest like a hiccup.

"Well," she says, casual as ever, "he hadn't stopped talking about you ever since I introduced him to the internet about a week after the defrost." Then, like an embarrassed younger sister, scoffs, "Fanboys."

And that.

That is an interesting revelation.

A revelation worthy of scientific inquiry.

Something Tony is more than happy to probe at if Bucky is amenable to a collaboration in their shared. Interest.

They don't get a chance, unfortunately.

The Rogues come back, and Rogers is determined to draw battle lines, with Bucky firmly behind his regardless of Bucky's opinion on the matter.

Bucky, for his part, seems resigned to Rogers' attentions and mostly ignores him, though he tenses when Rogers invites himself to Bucky's check-ups.

For the next few weeks, just as when Bucky and he were first starting their appoingments, Tony finds himself donning armour again: suits perfectly tailored and sharp enough to cut on sight.

It has the desired effect of putting off Rogers with the added benefit of distracting Bucky.

Tony doesn't miss the way Bucky watches him after all, like he's a piece of art to be admired, coveted. Bucky, Tony realizes, has always looked at him that way since he came to the Compound.

"I don't know why you're putting up a show in those get ups of yours. This isn't a fashion show," Rogers says one day, finally putting together how Bucky zeroes in on Tony the way he does. Then, purposely bland but challenging all the same, Rogers says, "Isn't there a proper dress code for a lab?" Like Rogers of all people would know; would care enough about Tony's safety to bring it up at all.

Bucky's teeth grind, the hypocrisy evident even to him.

And Tony would be angry too, but Rogers has stopped being worth his anger a long time ago. His pettiness, however, well. That's a different story.

With a smile of too many teeth, Tony says, "You're absolutely right, I don't know what I was thinking."

On the next visit, Tony hears Bucky's intake of breath before he actually sees him.

"Tony," Rogers is protesting, sounding scandalised which is when Tony turns around for the money shot, and oh, it's glorious.

Rogers is red in the face, practically turning puce when he reads want Tony's vest says. He thinks Rogers' brain is going to melt out of his ears from the anger of it all.

Bucky, on the other hand, is experiencing some kind of system reboot because his face goes blank and his eyes go dark, and --

"Problem, darling?" Tony drawls with a faux Brooklyn twang.

"Not a bit," is Bucky's garbled reply before he's urging a little softly, "Could you...uh, turn around again, I wanna.."

"Bucky," Rogers hisses which succeeds far enough in getting Bucky's gaze to clear and his cheeks to pink, and oh, that's adorable, Tony internally cooes.

Aloud, Tony purrs, "Anything for you, Sarge."

Which makes Rogers' head swivel between he and Bucky like he's on the verge of short circuiting, something that may actually happen when Bucky steps forward, sweeps Tony up in his arms and walks off.

"Bucky, why are you --," Rogers is protesting behind them, stopping short of chasing after when Tony flings off his vest. He figures the message on it is explanation enough: because fuck you, that's why.

#winteriron #buckyxtony #submission

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anxiouslyfred · 3 years

Text

Puppy Scratches

Summary: Virgil has always avoided getting any sort of injury, scared of infection among other things. Now his soulmate has started scratching words onto his skin from the flowers appearing and Virgil has no clue how to stop it or respond.

Warnings: Sort of self-harm

/\/\

Virgil did not like injuries, especially not of the level that would scar. They could get infected, and those stories of people losing limbs were not pure fiction. He did everything he could to avoid getting any injury, despite the encouragement people gave to at least get one.

His soulmate got injured enough for both of them. There wasn't any concern in Virgil's mind that he would recognise his soulmate if they ever met.

What was concerning, if not terrifying, to Virgil was when the scars got extremely pale, and started forming words. Apparently the lack of him getting scars had given the world opportunity to make his soulmate believe he didn't exist.

He spent a week freaking out, rambling about the scars if his friends ever gave him the opportunity. His soulmate getting hurt as much as the flowers suggested had always been concerning, but now it couldn't be anything but deliberate... That was the worst thing Virgil could imagine.

“Can I see these pale flowers you're talking about?” Logan asked, interrupting another ramble where Virgil was torn between trying to respond and the dangers that could cause. Infections were dangerous, and how would he even be able to write something using a knife?

Virgil blinked at his friend before rolling the side of his hoodie and top up. One of the questions had been written over his side in the pale flowers. “Sure, here they're asking for me to exist.” He muttered, thankful they were at his house when the request was made.

It was odd to have Logan move closer, pushing at the hoodie a little more, frowning. “I know better than to say you were lying about those flowers, but have you realised they are no longer visible?” He asked after a moment, looking up at him with a raised eyebrow.

“But- but they were scars. Scars don't disappear do they?” The thought of flowers disappearing astounded Virgil. He'd assumed, as did basically everyone that flowers only appeared for permanent scars, things that wouldn't heal any further.

“I'll have to do some research tonight, but I would theorise that injuries that scab over, even ones that wouldn't leave a permanent scar, will still show up if the scratch is enough to, say momentarily draw blood perhaps.” Logan stood again, fetching his notebook of things to research from his briefcase. “If that is the case, would you be willing for me to scratch a reply onto your skin? I could easily do so in a sanitary way and provide plasters to ensure the wounds remain clean and heal rapidly. It would also reduce the fears you've been expressing that your soulmate might continue to harm themself in an attempt to gain a response.”

Virgil nodded along with the explanation, trying to think through what his friend was suggesting and how it could work. “If you're the one to do the scratching then yeah. I can cope with that I think. Just don't make any deep cuts or anything.”

Whomever his soulmate was, Virgil didn't want any harm to come to them, especially not self inflicted as the words must have been.

/To Remus\

Remus had loved the adventures he'd managed to find over his lifetime, whether they ended in injury or merely in some new discovery he could chase after later. It was something that made him feel alive, wild and excited. He wished he could share the adventures with his soulmate when they met but after years of no flowers appearing against his skin, he was beginning to question if they were out there at all.

It took some of the fun out of getting into ridiculous situations to realise he might not have someone to share the stories with in a few years.

That had been when Remus started paying more attention to Roman an Janus. They'd met in school and had been fairly inseparable as soulmates ever since, but that wasn't what interested Remus. He wanted to know how the scars and flowers worked, whether any would disappear and if there was even a faint chance he could actively try to reach out for his soulmate without touring the world.

He managed one week to scratch Roman's cheek, thankfully on the side that hadn't already been covered in flowers. They'd been play-fighting and it had just happened, but it gave Remus a clear view of where the flowers might appear on Janus, regardless of how covered he attempted to be.

Sure enough, instead of the red tulips they claimed appeared for permanent scars Roman gained, there was a trail of pale pink flowers in the place of the scratch. Remus checked over the following weeks to see when it disappeared, and sure enough, long before the scratch had fully healed there were no flowers visible on Janus's face.

If Roman had known his plan after witnessing that, he'd have done everything he could to prevent it, to force Remus into therapy of some kind and keep him company for as long as possible. Whatever they say about twins having a connection was a lie of superstition and Remus happily traced over words on his skin with a needle until they'd actually scratched into it.

The pain and curiosity over if somehow he'd get a response had been enough to quiet the repeating thought that he had no soulmate or they'd hate him for doing this.

Two weeks passed after Remus had tried to write questions to his soulmate in scratches on his skin. He'd eventually come clean to Roman after a few unexpected hugs and attempts to battle because of some or other absurdity Remus had to share or figure out how to get to. He'd sat through the lecture and Janus's insistence on checking over the scratches with a pout.

You'd think that after all the injuries Remus had lived though the people closest to him would realise he knew how to keep wounds clean and safe. He just didn't always want to enough to miss out on a chance to climb suspension bridges and up onto rooftops.

He'd just gotten up, unbothered about getting dressed while grabbing breakfast and spotted flowers in the mirrors reflection.

There on his arm read “Puppy Village” in pale flowers, possibly lilac but Remus wasn't sure given how close to white the colour was. He now had a new quest to travel the country for, whatever his original intentions for asking if his soulmate existed was.

/Working with Puppies\

Months had passed since Virgil let Logan scratch the name of his workplace onto his side. They'd long since healed and his soulmate hadn't scratched anything else onto his skin, but Virgil still kept an eye out for any more flowers appearing.

He'd had some of the pale green ones appear on his wrists and forearms, as though his soulmate was playing with upset dogs with uncovered skin. They'd all faded with time and Virgil had mentally prepared a number of the lessons and explanations offered to people looking to buy or adopt a dog when they visited his centre.

Part of Virgil had hoped that soon after giving them a clue over where he'd be found someone with a scar on the left of their neck would walk in, introducing themselves as his soulmate. The reasonable side of his brain understood that even in America there could be plenty of places called 'Puppy Village' so even if his soulmate had decided to start trying to look for him, it would take them a while to find him.

Eventually he stopped checking the necks of customers as they came in, deciding to ignore any possibility that his soulmate might come. It was only upsetting Virgil to imagine who they might be and carry on getting no answers regardless.

“I'm here to get cuddles before I'm dragged back to dullville!” A man had tried to kick open the doors, despite them being automatic and already half opened by the time he reached them.

“I assume that means you only intend to help us look after the puppies for an afternoon before leaving town?” Virgil remarked, already moving around the counter.

Occasionally it would happen, generally families trying to decide if they should get a dog, or hoping to convince the kids just how much work and care goes in to having a pet. The occasional tourist wasn't unusual either, although then it would be dog owners from abroad missing their pets at home.

“Any dogs you need looking after... Did you know you have green flowers climbing up your neck?” The man leant far too close to Virgil looking at the flowers and showing off his neck at the same time.

“Have done for years. Kinda curious over the story behind it whenever I meet my soulmate.” Virgil shrugged off the concern, ignoring the scar he could also see as he led the man through to the kennels. “I'm Virgil one of the family for our animals. We treat them all as if they're our own pets until a family arrives to given them a home.”

The man was still trying to stay uncomfortably close to Virgil, looking around at the area, almost as much as he watched Virgil. “Wonderful way to keep them healthy. You know, my soulmate works somewhere called a Puppy Village. Scratched it on when I started to think I might not have any.” The words were deliberately spoken, a laser gaze directed at Virgil's face.

“Does that mean you have a large scar on the back of your calf?” Virgil immediately asked. He knew where all the flowers were on his body, and recognised this man was trying to figure out if they were soulmates. It definitely sounded like they could be.

He'd reached the end of the hallway before he realised the man had sat on the floor to roll up the pants he was wearing. “My right one yes. Got this awesome tattoo on the other and really wanna know how that's appeared on you?”

“Same place the patch I call moss. Logan said it is just a muddled patch, as though there are a lot of the flowers trying to layer up over each other. I guess it's because of how tattoos are done in layers or something.” Virgil muttered. He wasn't going to copy the action. “Get your pants on right, and we can go meet some of my favourite dogs. You need to know how to treat and act around dogs if we're going to be around each other.”

“Awesome, Remus and Virgil the best pairing together. Learnt to be calmer with dogs when I got into a few scraps with them. It got Roman to adopt that dog at least. My brother always was a sucker for a sob story and I definitely made it sound sorry.” Remus cackled, already jumping up again.

Virgil sighed, holding open the door to the kennels for their older dogs. “Glad to hear it. How long do I have you in town before we go to being pen-pals for a while?” He asked, not wanting to immediately let someone in if they'd disappear from his life soon, soulmate connection or now.

“Got a week and then I can get my office to transfer me here in no time. The boss has been looking for an excuse to get me out of there since I started calling him out for the harassment he attempted to do. Can't find an excuse to fire me with Janus on the watch, but also does not want me around.” Remus seemed excited at the plans, even when Virgil knew he had to be basically making it up as he went.

“Are you seriously talking about uprooting your life, just because you met me? Pretty sure anyone normal would want to get to know each other first.” Virgil was sceptical of the idea, but wasn't going to argue. He didn't like the idea of being cities or states away from his soulmate again after they'd just met.

Remus twisted around so much their noses were almost touching. “Is it uprooting if my main friends/ family will literally thank you for giving them a bit of a break from chaos and I can do my job as well from any of our offices? 'Sides, I haven't explored those caves on the lake edge yet and they are just screaming for exploration.”

“Or a cave in. Do you at least know how to get out of them? Or you know mind sharing the stories of the flower patches I'm covered in?” Virgil checked. He had wanted to know something about his soulmate's life with every patch of flowers that appeared. Now he was just a bit confused over how few there were, given Remus seemed set on chasing any impulse he had.

Remus bounced with the question, “Honey, I've been dreaming of sharing those stories with you all my life. Let's meet your dogs and I can start talking too.”

Life with his soulmate around was definitely going to be interesting.

#dukexiety #remus sanders #virgil sanders #logan sanders #platonic analogical #background roceit #cw self harm #soulmate au

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beetleboo · 3 years

Text

long post. one i’ve been trying to make for a while now. hell, i wrote this like... third week of may. didn’t post it until now because i didn’t know if I wanted to.

but something i want to lay out, been wanting to lay out for months. dont want to talk to anyone about it, just want to put the info out there for it to be seen.

if you re/blog this i will block you. i may put this on the relevant sideblog at some point.

because 2020 was the worst year on record for me for a number of reasons, and it’s torn me down to the lowest point i’ve been in a long time, and this is just. everything that’s gone down. not a callout post, no one gets named, but these are all the events

partially in relation to my fandom sideblog, because that’s where i had community, and where it’s all just. gone. doesnt exist anymore.

i started up a server, ages ago now. somewhere i curated to be a positive and safe space for things, and for a while, it was that.

around the end of 2019, spilling over to the start of 2020 when it picked up, i found, both on my blog and in discord spaces, in particular the server i ran, that people no longer talked to me. no one would hold a conversation with me past a few basic responses, no one replied to anything i shared, no one engaged when i tried to start discussions. so i pulled back from the main server - S1. thought it was just a lull in activity. stayed that way for weeks, months, and I just muted the server. no one ever cared about anything i had to say. was lucky if anything i posted got even a token emoji react

was in another, smaller server - S2. people i talked to damn near every day, even in voice. played games together - that became... no fun simply because everyone else was so much better/further ahead in the game. i was completely useless, so didn’t server a function in game and never really felt like anyone actively wanted me around, but i still participated in chat.

but again, no one ever responded to anything I posted beyond maybe a token react

couple people discussing something one day. I contributed with Theory A, and quite immediately got that shut down. few minutes later, they rephrased exactly what I said and happily nattered away. so whatever I said wasn’t worth it when it came out of my mouth but if they talked about it, it was all well and valid. so again, between that specific experience and no one interacting with me, nor anything I post. server muted. treatment taught me no one cared about my presence there.

gave admin rights to S1, my server, to someone I trusted. two requests only: dont delete channels and let me know if you want to invite anyone (since I kept it private)

RYE (i’m just assigning random three letter names to people to keep this straight) posted public invites several times. never asked me. one of the two things i asked. brought it up with them that it bothered me, just got vague noncomittal responses. more public invites. eventually, after having the server muted for months, i handed over full control and left. that was almost a full year ago. none of the people have talked to me in that entire year, through discord or here or anything.

except RYE who sent me a message after a couple months like ‘wow i havent heard from you in a while hope you’re doing ok’. i wasn’t. after a bit but still the same day, i said as much. that i wasn’t doing well. they never responded. and i don’t mean like, they didn’t respond that day. i mean i literally never heard from them until months later when they sent me a meme and also didn’t respond to me commenting on that meme.

and this is one side of things. all of the above was the first half of the year. this next bit happened about. march2020? I was in another server - S3. another place that was a good space at the time. was in voice chat with two other people. started talking about one thing. MIN very suddenly said something along the lines of ‘i don’t care about this i’ll come back when you’re done’

this is one of the very few things that can trigger me - i’ve had a lot of people talk down to me if I dare look excited about anything. when they came back, i asked if they could try to just. depart conversations more softly. MIN always said ‘if i do anything hurtful to you just tell me! i dont want to do that kind of thing!’

this was clearly a lie as they exploded on me, telling me they always have to walk on eggshells around me, that I ask so many things from them. before what I asked them that day, I can only recall one other thing i asked (which was not to talk about a person who was abusive towards me, and they were like ‘yea sure np’ about that, over a year prior’)

the whole thing turned into basically me having to shut down the fact that i was hurt by what they did, had to ignore that now and i had to fawn and placate them and the only thing i got out of that was that my feelings were irrelevant, only theirs.

(incidentally, I have had two other people turn on me in similar ways, accusing me of doing shifty/bad/terrible things, and not being willing to tell me what they are when I ask, only saying that ‘i should know what i did’ so that’s also now a Fun New Bit Of Trauma.)

and that entire weeklong event lead me straight to a breakdown. literal genuine breakdown i cannot convey how devastating that entire scenario was without going into far too many details.

so between all of these things happening in less than six months, with three different community spaces folding and collapsing and fading away from me, with many of the friends i thought i had just. moving on to other things and dropping me. people i talked to every day just not bothering with me anymore. they all have gone on to other stuff and no one ever went ‘hey beets wanna see what i’m up to’ or ‘wanna do this thing with me’

a handful of instances of me saying ‘yeah i’m dealing with these fears that have been reinforced lately that people aren’t safe to deal with, even thought part of me knows they’re probably irrational it feels like i have evidence to back it up’ and people immediately take it personally like i’m saying they’re not safe. despite. me outright saying. i know logically it should be irrational. but their reactions just reinforce it so it’s just a loop and tells me, again, never to bring up any of my problems with anyone.

so this all just reinforces that there’s something wrong with me. couple years back i spoke to a friend and how i was frustrated that I seemed to end up in bad spaces and they said ‘well you’re the one thing in common so its probably your fault’ and obviously they’re not my friend anymore but that has affected me so deeply. i can’t do anything without overthinking, whenever anything goes wrong i tear apart everything i’ve done and everything i’ve said or thought and i don’t know why things keep going bad. i try so hard but i’m just. not right.

so it all teaches me that there’s no point in reaching out in trying to talk to people because if i say ‘hey this hurt me’ i get ignored at best or torn down, yelled at, scolded. no point in trying to talk to new people because everyone just walks away at some point. not even a natural drift apart, i can handle that. but just very suddenly, they’re gone, off with better people doing better things.

roundabout, ties back to ‘consumption versus community’ - this is why i’ve been struggling so hard with lack of engagement on my sideblog. lucky to get a dozen notes on anything i make, unless it’s something other people can use (like mods) and even THEN it’s rare to see much activity. and that was FINE because i had people to talk to elsewhere, who would ask questions and we could back and forth and i shared my stuff and they shared those and it didnt matter if my posts only got a dozen notes because i had friends to talk to.

now i get (example) seven notes, six of which are likes and one is a reblog with no commentary. when i have something with a ton of notes, still, minimal commentary, no one talks to me. even on a mod with five hundred notes it just feels like i went ‘hey i made something :)’ and everyone picked it up and walked away with it, no one went ‘hey this is cool i want to talk to the person who made it.’

and it just feels like 95% of the time, i’m just overlooked.

and it’s worse than it’s ever been in my entire life, and I wonder, what’s the point of any of this anymore.

why bother to make the posts to share when it all just gets passed by. what’s the point in trying to reach out to new people and make friends when i get lashed out at or left behind? the social is gone out of my social media. i had community, and now it’s gone.

so this has all been going on for months and months and months and hey! suffering. and i dont expect it to get any better, don’t expect this post to fix these issues, but i’ve been trying to say something about all of this for fucking months and i think just, laying it all out is all I can do about it. i’m sure i’ve forgotten some things to touch on but as it is, all these events, all of it happening all together. new traumas, old traumas reawoken, reinforced, i’ve been torn to pieces i don’t know how to function, i can’t remember the last time i felt like even half a real person. taught that the safe, positive spaces that meant so much to me don’t actually exist and they’ll all turn on me and be torn away. nowhere is safe anymore, and trying to make it safe is just going to ruin me again.

people aren’t safe, places aren’t safe, been proven to me time and time again so i just. stay away.

no matter how much i try to fight that, it just doesnt work.

anyway tl;dr beets needs therapy probably

#beetleposts #miserytag

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