#what can we DO???? there's nothing TO DO. I CANT DO ANYTHING FROM HERE INCLUDING MAKE YOU LISTEN TO ME ABOUT GETTING OUT OF THIS SPIRAL | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mvltisstuff · 10 months

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911 fic - A fic of y/n begins like buck/Eddie begins please, but the reader is eddie’s sister 💗

angst, heartbreak, grief, fluff too if possible pls 🫶

thank you ❤️‍🩹

mr. rager - e.d

summary: request

eddie diaz x sister!reader

gif from @tawaifeddiediaz

a/n: i hope i included all the things you wanted in there, apologies if i missed anything 🩶 can we also appreciate kid cudi for a few mins thanks

ever since middle school, y/n was told about how much of a dream life she had. she had good friends, good style, she was pretty. she spent a lot of her time occupied with friends and out of the house to avoid the chaos and criticism.

she’d been the youngest of the diaz family, with two older sisters, adriana and sophia, and her older brother eddie. at home, she was just the little sister who was forced to live up to her siblings. when she wasn’t home, she was y/n and only y/n.

for as long as she could remember, it was her and eddie. when they were kids, they ran around the yard and had slumber parties in the basement. her sisters would be out with their own friends, sharing their time together. as time went on, eddie grew older. it’s natural, y/n knew. she dreaded the day that eddie would want to move on and stop hanging out with her.

then, eddie enlisted. y/n was immensely proud of him, but she then realized that she would be alone. her sisters wanted nothing to do with her, and her parents just put her to the side. y/n almost felt selfish for wanting eddie to come home, despite knowing all the good he had been doing.

eddie had been in the army for a few years, and that’s just how long it took y/n to adjust to life without him there. she didn’t know what to do with herself. she had no one at home who truly supported her. eddie came to all of her sports games, all of her award nights, every single thing that y/n was a part of, he was there. she prayed that her parents would come, to be proud of her and to cheer her on, but it seemed that everything she did was useless to them. it was impossible to form bonds with them. her sisters basically said they wouldn’t waste their time on her, and her parents didn’t have time for her.

the sneaking out started freshman year. the drinking with her friends and getting wasted pretty much every weekend continued for a while. her parents rarely even noticed her, so she didn’t think they’d care about any of that.

it wasn’t until her sister-in-law, shannon, got pregnant and had christopher that eddie came back. he instantly noticed y/n’s change. her style, personality, and she became a stranger. she held a lot of anger for him, somehow. he was the one person to look out for her, and then he just left again.

eddie was in the living room of their house, christopher and shannon sleeping in the other room. he had a bottle of beer and was watching a spanish show on the TV. he heard the footsteps that came from behind him, but y/n didn’t care if he heard. he wouldn’t say anything, he’s done enough by leaving her in hell already. it wasn’t his fault. she knows that, but some part of her broken self cannot realize that yet.

“hey, you’re up late,” eddie speaks first.

“so are you.”

“it’s midnight, where are you going?”

“out, edmundo.” the backpack on her shoulders was clanking, signaling that she very noticeably had stuff in there.

“why do you have all that? what the hell has gotten into you? sneaking out and drinking, wearing that?”

“this isn’t a new thing. besides, i’m like a ghost here anyway. with my friends, at least i get some type of attention. i’ll see you later,” she argues, trying to end the conversation.

“no, i cant let you go out now, y/n,” eddie replies, standing up and speaking louder.

“can you be quiet? it’s not like anyone would notice anyway.”

“y/n, this is so stupid, c’mon-“ he’s cut off by the sharp cries of christopher, sighing when he hears them.

“why don’t you go take care of your kid before you disappear again?” she asks, and turns around, quietly shutting the door and running to her friends car. her words secretly sting eddie. he had to support his family, and he had to finish his tour in afghanistan. he didn’t know leaving would cause so much tension between him and his baby sister, but it did and he didn’t know how to reverse it. eddie went back to the room, picking christopher up into his arms and looking at shannon, who was beginning to roll awake.

“is he ok?”

“yeah, yeah he’s alright.”

“are you ok?” she asks him, not taking her eyes off him.

“i don’t- i don’t know what happened to y/n. she’s changed so much and i missed all of it. and i don’t think it’s for the better.”

y/n arrives home from her friends house the next night to be confronted with her family at the table. “y/n, sit,” her father breaks the silence.

“papí, i have so much homework i need to get done-“

“maybe you could’ve done that instead of sneaking out,” he cuts through her sentence, ending it. y/n’s eyes immediately dart to eddie’s, not breaking the contact between them. “i don’t know what to do with you, y/n. what happened to the girl i knew?”

“what girl you knew? none of you ever attempted to spend time with me, so i found people who will. and you’re kissing up to someone who’s leaving tomorrow!”

“y/n, stop this now! your brother has to work,” her mom says.

“yeah, i know. i’m happier than i’ve been in months, months! no thanks to you guys, i might as well be invisible here!”

“what do you want us to do?” adriana remarks. “you’re not the center of the universe, y/n.”

“yeah, like grow up,” sophia comments, in her sisters footsteps. y/n forced back any tears of frustration she had, not letting them see her cry like a child. they missed everything important to her, they didn’t care.

it was finally graduation day. y/n was free of everything, and it was the marking of her adulthood. her family sat in the audience, and she looked at christopher who attempted his own sign. the words were unreadable, but y/n didn’t care. she had a plan and saved up a ton of money for school, and maybe even an apartment, eventually. she stayed for the summer, but left for los angeles in the fall.

she attended university of california in berkley, finally wishing to settle her life out of el paso. meanwhile, eddie had been having an internal battle with himself. shannon had left for her mother, leaving him with christopher. his parents begged him to give them chris, but he refused. the boy needs his father, and eddie would never, ever leave him again. he decided to go to los angeles for a job as a firefighter/paramedic. he knew y/n was there, and maybe he could find shannon too.

eddie and y/n had become strangers, almost. she moved away after school and barely spoke to her family. a direct cause of their treatment toward her. he missed her dearly, longing for the bond they had as children that had faded away. y/n wanted to see him again, but figured he was still disappointed in the person she was without him. she forgets that she was just a teenager. their brains are all hormonal and such, but the true reason was the abandonment she felt. she hadn’t been back to texas in years, content with her new life and friends she formed in california. it was completely different. she was in control of her life, not having to be under the spotlight of judgement every day.

after his shift one day, eddie was brought up by his motivation. he knew if he didn’t fix his relationship with his sister now, they never would be the same again. it’s such a fragile concept. one obstacle in a family can have a domino effect over everyone. so, he picked up his phone and pressed on her number, even if it was late. it rang for an uncomfortable amount of time, before her memorable voice came through again. he’d been stuck watching videos and tapes of the family out of fear to push her away even more, but he was relieved to her her voice live.

y/n sat in eddie’s kitchen on his day off with a cup of coffee in her hand. christopher had been out with buck for a while, so they could have a little bit of time alone. eddie sat down soon after across from her. he sighed, disappointed that he didn’t know where to begin. “so, what have you been up to? work, you know.”

“it’s been good, i’m working with some of the best in the field right now. i got promoted.”

“that’s great! you like it there?”

“i love it, i’m happier than ever right now,” she smiles and looks down.

“it’s been so long, i feel like we have too much to talk about.”

“i know, eddie,” she says. “but, how’s everyone at home?”

“they’re good, have you spoke to them?”

“not too much. just for the big milestones like weddings and babies.”

eddie pauses, thinking about whether or not he wants to mention the elephant in the room. “i never meant to put you in the dark, y/n.”

“eddie, it’s fine-“

“no, it’s not fine. i thought that they would care about you when i wasn’t there, but i didn’t realize how bad things were until i got back. i don’t know why they didn’t notice when you’d get back hungover as hell.”

“it sucked but-“

“i just think-“

“dude,” y/n speaks up, interrupting him while grinning. “you have to let me speak.”

“sorry, go on,” eddie laughs.

“it was awful not having you there. you’re the only one who gave a shit about me. i never got a ‘how are you doing’ or a real appreciation. and i tried so hard to get their affection and i don’t know what i did.”

“so you came here?”

“yeah. and i found what i needed. i get told thank you and get appreciated by people who’ve known me for a minute now. it took 18 years for me to get that from everyone else. i was crushed when you decided to leave, but i’m just proud of you now. and i was too blind to say that years ago,” y/n spills out about her life, and portrays everything to him to lay it out. it’s off her shoulders now, and eddie’s here. she can forget about it.

“i’m sorry, y/n. i’m never leaving again, and i never wanted anything more than to see you living the life you’ve always wanted.”

“stop,” y/n speaks abruptly.

“what?”

“you’re gonna make me cry, stop it!” she replies, trying to hide her watery eyes, but eddie’s smile is clear. it’s mocking, but in a beautiful way. “where’s my little guy?”

“he’s out with my best friend, buck. figured it would give us some time to talk,” eddie informs. “they’ll be back soon, if you wanna meet him.”

“i already know christopher, eddie. i haven’t been away that long.”

“no, buck,” eddie tells. “you’d get along, just a hello.” before eddie can keep ranting about buck and how he’s trying to set her up, the door swings open to reveal the brightest smile from christopher and the man behind him. christopher has always remembered y/n. no matter what she went through, she was there for him and he adored her. y/n decides to surprise him, moving into the doorway and hiding behind a wall.

“hi, dad!” christopher says, walking over to him.

“hey, buddy! i’ve got a surprise for you.”

“i love surprises,” christopher awaits what could be shown to him.

“your tía is here,” eddie says, in a singsongy voice as y/n steps out into the door.

“y/n!” christopher says, trying his best to move as fast as he can over to her. she bends down to his level and pulls him into a hug. “i missed you.”

“i know, kid. it’s been too long, but i’m here now. i’m here with you and my brother.”

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destinysbounty · 2 months

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GASP you have an “The Island” rewrite idea? TELL US EVERYTHING—

The Ninjago comics have some great ideas of other things that could have happened (like a boat race over lightning waters, a motorcycle escape from baby dragons, more on Misako’s pre-special adventures on the Island, etc.) but I’m so curious about your rewrite ideas :D

When we first got the trailer for The Island, I lowkey thought they were gonna take the "Misako goes missing and Lloyd tries to find her" premise and use it to at least briefly touch on their relationship. Which I was...cautiously optimistic for. Lord knows how badly Misako needs an actual character arc.

So that's the core of what I'd do with an Island rewrite. Use that plotline the facilitate a narrative about the past complications of their relationship, as well as Lloyd's fear of being abandoned/left alone.

For a long time, I've had this scene idea in my brain of Misako and Lloyd being lost in a labyrinthine cave full of strange glowing stone, and she explains that the reason she'd been seeking out the island is because of rumors that this very cave had the power to reveal secret information. However, the danger of the cave is that few people are ever able to leave it alive, as it traps most who enter. She reluctantly hoped the cave could tell her where she went wrong, what she did wrong - she did everything she could to prevent the Final Battle, but it happened anyway. She wanted to know if there was anything at all that she could've done to change that, or if her family was doomed from the start. This is also why Wu joined her for this expedition - he wanted those answers too.

As they walk through the cave in search of a way out, Lloyd asks more about her motives: how she knew he was the Green Ninja, why she left Lloyd at Darkleys of all places, and most importantly why she never came back for him even to visit. She explains herself, with the stones and stalagmites of the cave glowing as they reflect memories from her past. And finally, they have a little bit of closure from this conversation. It is then that they learn the cave only lets you leave once you have accepted the truth of the information you sought, hence why so few people ever escape - most people cant reconcile the harsh truths this cave confronts them with. Misako accepts that there was nothing she could have done to prevent destiny and Lloyd works through some of his abandonment issues, prompting the cave to set them free so they can go join the rest of their friends in the big climactic battle.

Idk. I may also include a scene like that in another fic or something. We'll see, I guess.

Also, I'd probably change the uh. Troublingly stereotypical human sacrifice depictions for the Keepers. And also just like, give Mamatus more of an actual character and personality. Maybe the islanders arent the villains but allies! Perhaps the rewrite focuses more so on Ronin as an antagonist - while also providing more in-character rationalization for his actions. Because while I do like the idea of Ronin as a villain, it feels a bit odd to have him go from a morally grey ally who at least sympathizes with the ninja even when he's not on their side, to a generically roguish villain. Let's dive into what prompted him to pursue such a high-scale crime!

Also, the keepers and Wojira talk may also prompt more discussion about some creation mythology and lore, Wojira's past and reign of terror before the FSM and Nyad came along, to really hammer in why they're so afraid of her. This would add some more setup for Seabound, as well as preemptively establish Wojira as a truly terrifying threat.

I can't say I have a thorough outline for what exactly the rewrite would look like, mostly just a few loose ideas here and there, but that's the general gist of what I've got so far!

#ninjago #ninjago the island #destiny post

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grimxark · 10 months

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cannot get over how absurd Sunstreaker’s and Sideswipe’s relationship is in IDW. Sunstreaker’s like. this is my brother. I love him very much. I do love showing off and being a menace but I always try to include my brother in my stunts and i dont see anything patronizing about what im doing, im just trying to be supportive and nice. I am now currently being tortured through means beyond your understanding because I decided to be cocky and then I got kidnapped and now im here. I need you to kill me. I need to be killed. The pain is unbearable. I can’t stand closing my eyes. I do not feel comfortable in my own body, because it feels alien, it does not feel like mine, not anymore. I miss my friends. I want help. Please kill me. and while all this is happening Sideswipe is like i fucking HATE my brother. I want him DEAD. i hope hes DEAD. hes such a fucking show off and he loves doing better than me on PURPOSE. He includes me in his stunts and tries to get me to do things instead of him bc he loves throwing it in my face how much better than me he is. He says he loves me but i KNOW hes lying and doing it to seem cool and like a good person. I dont even actually want to LOOK for him. Im just looking for him because then i can prove im better than him. I just want to be the one to rescue him so i can throw it in his face. Then when hes rescued ill be mean and when were separated ill send him videos and voice mails of my mission.

Sideswipe was filled with so much hate and envy towards Sunstreaker while streaker was literally just chilling out and being himself he literally didnt even seem all that much of a show off. he was doing the same thing everyone else was doing and sideswipe hated him for it. but they were still brothers. do you guys think about how they were brothers and streaker left in the lost light to heal from the war and then when he came to Earth for his brother he found a broken and battered corpse that resembled a compacted soda can. Do you think about the simple difference of Sideswipe not so much as blinking when they find Sunstreaker as nothing but a head and nerves vs Sunstreaker yelling we cant leave my brother hes in there! and Sideswipe! what did they DO to you?!

#i think abt it all the time.#why was sideswipe like that towards streaker it was so fucking funny #in one panel youd get sunstreaker begging someone to kill him while theyre having sex in front of his beaten and beheaded corpse and then #the next you have sideswipe like "when we rescue streaker hell be such a fucking jerk abt it i fucking hate him i hope something BAD happend #WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HIM #IM SO SERIOUS #sideswipe #sunstreaker #idw transformers #meta #they speak #mine #the ramblings of a mistful storm #maccadam

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https-shan · 1 year

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benny weir - cockblock

words: 809

"y/n" benny looked at me with puppy eyes. "what benny?" i smiled and looked at him.

"do you want to come over today?" he asked smiling like a goof. "benny?! she cant we're playing-" ethan came from aroudn the corner.

"hey guys!" rory walked up to all of us smiling. "whats got you all happy" i smirked well looking at rory.

"nothing, cant a guy just be happy?" he looked at me disgusted "not all of us are depressed" he joked with me.

"thats a new low, even for you rory" i rolled my eyes playfully. "hey" he put his hands up like he was surrendering "it was going to come out either way"

i saw erica and sarah walking down the hall. "hey ethan look, your girlfriends walking this way"he hit my forearm. "she's not my girlfriend, you know that"

i tried hiding my laughter. "deny, deny, deny" me and benny said at the same time, and laughed.

ethan put himself together by fixing his colar and fixing whatever rinkles he could find. i smirked looking up at benny.

"so benny-boo what do you say we leave and go-"

"hey y/n i need to talk to you about something" erica spoke up.

i turned to look at her "yeah of course, let's go" i pointed down the hall gesturing her to follow. she obliged

"whats the deal with you and benny? did you guys do anything yet" she smirked.

"well..." i sighed "not really, we get as far as making out and someone interrupts"

"oh.. that sucks" she turned to look at our friends. "i could get you guys alone?" she suggeted.

"E, i love you but i want to get this done myself" i sighed.

"its fine i get it" she turned around "are you coming?" she turned to see if i was behind her.

we got back to the group and talked until the bell rang. we all went our seperate ways, except for me and benny because we had the same class.

we got to Mr. G's class and sat in the back.

"why are we sitting back here?" he looked at me confused. i smiled "no reason, just a change i guess"

he nodded his head and looked up at the board.

we were writing down notes, well i waited for everyone to finish including benny, i was getting bored. Class was almost over but i was extremly bored, an idea popped in my head.

i put my hand on benny's thigh. "what're you doing y/n" he looked at me worried.

i looked at him innocently "nothing benny, what do you mean?" i moved my hand up higher.

"y/n-"

i moved my hand from benny's thigh almost immediately.

"benny" Mr.G clapped his hands together "do you know the answer to the question?" he looked at benny.

"i- uh what? sorry what was the question" he looked up at Mr.G with a slight blush on his face.

the bell rang, "ah next time benny, see you guys tommorow"

i got up from my seat and said goodbye to Mr.G.

i heard someone behind me, already knowing it was benny i moved to the side so he could walk beside me.

"sooo" benny said in a sing-song voice.

"what is it benny?" i smiled.

"no. no no. you dont get to act all innocent now-"

"hey guys!" rory came from around the corner. "hey rory" i smiled.

"how was class, batman" i smiled. "first thank you, no one calls me batman, and it was soooo boring" he chuckled "did not get a thing done"

"rory im sorry but me and benny need to get home, talk tommorow. kay?" i tried my best to get me and benny away from everyone.

once me and benny got to his house, i went in the kitchen to grab some juice.

"y/n, baby" benny was standing behind me. i hummed, i turned to look at him.

"can we finish what you started in class?" he looked at me with hunger in his eyes.

before he could say anything else i leaned up and kissed him, he took no time to kiss back, it was passionate. he put me onto the counter and moved so he was standing in between my legs.

he licked my bottom lip asking for entrance, i opened my mouth and he explored my mouth.

"benny!" we heard the door close. we both groaned, "in the kitchen grandma" i got myself off the counter.

"oh hello y/n, what're you doing here?" she smiled at me.

"uh me and benny have homework to do" i took a sip of my juice.

"mhm" grandma gave benny a look and walked out.

i looked at benny with a worried look "she defiantly knows"

he goaned "its grandma, she knows everything"

sorry if its bad lmao if you have tips to imrpove my writing please dm

#my babysitters a vampire #benny weir imagine #benny weir #ethan morgan #sarah fox #rory keaner #erica jones #slight smut #benny weir smut

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thenightfolknetwork · 3 months

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How do I even begin this? Ok. Hello. Im a creature. None of my creature traits are all that visible so I just look like a human. Still I will look in the mirror at night with glowing eyes, my teeth are sharper than any sapio Ive ever met, and the only thing keeping my nails from being claws is that I am being forced to cut them back

And that gets into my next problem. My parents don't think Im a creature. Well, in their words, they dont think Im a "monster." They say that these experiences I have are normal. They say that I am just trying to have something wrong with me

And while it is upsetting that my parents don't listen to me, my main issue is that I think they are also creatures. Your genus is often hereditary so at least one of them cant be sapio, but I think its both.

My dad is like me. I see his eyes glowing and claws growing and teeth sharp. I see his body hair being longer than any other sapio and needing to cut it.

My mom is a bit different. She will part her hair in a way to cover her neck, not wanting to show scales. She calls it dry skin. She will do anything to get into water- just as long as its private- and sit right below the surface.

Still, to both of them, we are a family of sapios. We are normal. There is nothing wrong with us.

I am a creature, I know I am and nothing that anyone says will take that frome me. I just want my parents, and maybe even my siblings, to see that they too are creatures. I want them to know theyre not just a weird sapio, but an amazing and beautiful creature

I appreciate your desire to see your loved ones embrace their liminal identities, reader. It must be very difficult for you to see them denying their nature in this way.

It sounds as if they have internalised a great deal of anti-creature sentiment over their lives. They use derogatory, outdated language to describe the community, and see your self-identity as a person of the night as a desire to have “something wrong” with you.

It is incredibly difficult to unpick those tangled perceptions of the world, especially when they've been rooted for so many years. But I'm afraid there is a hard limit to how much you can help them with this. You cannot force self-acceptance upon another person.

Coming to terms with one's own identity is something that needs to come from within. You need to respect their autonomy – and that includes their right to make decisions that seem unhealthy to you. Their perceptions and preconceptions are their own responsibility. If they choose not to unlearn those lessons, that's on them.

What's more, I worry about your own boundaries here. You are already handling your own identity, finding your way to a positive, celebratory relationship with your liminality despite the lack of support from your parents.

It is too much to ask of yourself, to take on the burden of doing the same for your family members.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your family is to concentrate on forging your own path. Lead by example. Show them that being a creature is nothing to be ashamed of, simply by being your own, amazing, beautiful, liminal self.

If they can follow your example, that would be wonderful. And if not, you will have your own rock solid sense of identity to hold you aloft.

#answered #the nightfolk network #monstrous agonies

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slightly-gay-pogohammer · 5 months

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As a non homestuck, what deos that mean👀

ough i wanted to be vague and quick but no i wasn't im so sorry fnsdmag tw for transphobia mostly i guess

homestuck ends. it's a somewhat open ended ending and they dont show the "proper" final battle, but it was implied in the comic already how it was going to go. a lot of people remained disappointed in that, but i personally think its a good one

people keep pestering hussie, creator of the comic, to continue the story

hussie, well known troll (haha) who more often than not both praised and made fun of the fandom directly in the comic, writes the epilogues. they're mostly awful and they're the umpteenth big fuck you to the fandom really; one is the "shipping" ending where everything goes bad bc everyone focuses only on shipping, the one is the "fighting" ending where everything goes bad and everyone fucking dies basically. it has some good ideas, there's more fourth wall breaking, but overall its an inconsistent sexist and misoginistic mess made out of spite by someone who clearly didn't want to work on homestuck anymore

it also features character assassination, be it "this character who's entire plot was about not wanting to be alone anymore is now a sex-crazed maniac who doesnt take no as an answer", "this character who was groomed all her life to be a dictator actually becomes hitler" or "this character who a lot of people hc as mtf is now ftm, but specifically in a timeline, in the other they still identify as female". you could argue it's bc the story is about one of the characters having a villain arc and managing to take control of the story and rewrite them, but he's also regressed to be someone who's obsessed with a character we were told he wasn't in love with anymore AND also says transphobic stuff so.

hussie actually opens the epilogues with one of the character saying pretty clearly that they're "beyond canon", and makes sure that everyone known that anything written outside of the comic itself, including sidecomics, videogames and the epilogues themselves, is as canon as you want it to be. unfortunately homestuck fans cant read and that + the fact that the epilogue end in a cliffhanger, homestuck 2 has to happen

hussie wants nothing to do with it and leaves the project to someone else. they give little to no details of the plot if not a few plotpoints, one of which being the fact that a character must be named yiffany

one of the people who was supposed to work on hs2 and the tie-in visual novel games "friendsim" starts fights with readers on twitter and is later on outed as a really bad person of the biphobic and ableist variety

on a minor note, some updates are patreon exclusive, and not in a "they'll eventually be posted" way, but in a "either you follow the patreon or you dont get the whole experience" kind of way

the story also has to follow the aformentioned sexist transphobic racist bullshit, to which they add terribly written "bury your gays" plot and also cheating!! no matter the timeline my girl kanaya gets shafted and cheated on and by now im gonna be real it really smells like lesbophobia in here

also futa jokes. like we all agree that the candy jade situation is fucked up right

in all of this, "what pumpkin" actually starts drama with a youtuber or something. idk. it's the team that sells the hs merch it's even more complicated. oh and also the videogame being so delayed that's a whole can of worms too.

anyway hussie actually says that they dont give a shit no more about homestuck and sell the rights to someone else. first thing we're told is that they're going to drop the 2 from the title of homestuck 2, turning it into homestuck: beyond canon. pretty much openly saying that no, this has nothing to do with homestuck, and it's officially Not Canon.

#gio replies #i love shitting on anything homestuck after homestuck

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yearningandpatheticaboutit · 14 days

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SPEAK FOR YOURSELF

CHAPTER 16: WOOYOUNG

wc: 5242

warnings: mention of death, violence, drugs etc, SMUT

prev chapter

***

san

i remembered that wooyoung was afraid. he was scared of what would happen if miss A ever found out he shot mingi and deliberately antagonized a hotshot black dragon. looking back, i thought the black dragons would be anatagonized anyway because we caused shit in their side of town to get yunho back, it shouldnt be this big of a deal.

so why are so many bad things happening?

i didnt go to school today. i emailed all my teachers a forged sick note, claiming i couldnt leave the house because i went to the doctor and got diagnosed with sinisitic dizzy spells. most of my teachers are really helpful and good people, so they sent me the work they did for the day so i wouldnt miss out.

being a 'delight to have in class' aka a quiet smart kid who wasnt a pain in the ass had its perks sometimes. regardless, i used my morning to get all my money ready, of which i had just over enough to go to miss A to get her off my back.

when i get there, the place is crawling with old gangsters. miss A is screaming at people and when she sees me she's shocked, as if surprised i actually had guts to show my face. shes propped behind a round steel table in her garage, leaning back in her chair and the room goes silent as her eyes are on me.

"look who it is," she says to me, dipping her cigarette in her ashtray. "Lucky, you better have good news for me."

i bow to her and put the potato sack of money on the table. unfortunately i didnt have anything really fancy like a briefcase. im a fucking gangster on a budget.

she glares at me. "potatoes? is this some kind of joke?"

three guys restrain me out of nowhere, holding a knife under my throat. my breath gets stuck in my throat and i only manage to force out one thing. "m-money."

she doesnt tell them to let me go, which pisses me off. what the hell did i do to make her this mad? she lifts the opening of the sack and only when she sees the cash does she wave the gangsters to get off of me.

they drop me so hard i fall with my butt on the floor and i make no real move to get up in case they jump me again. instead i get to kneeling. "miss A, that's the money from all the dealings."

"i can see that. oh wow, you actually decided to be useful," miss A says, getting up and coming up to me. she puts her hand down on my hair and gently scratches it like you would a dog and i struggle to not show any fear. "if only wooyoung could be like you."

her words make me sweat. "where is wooyoung, miss A?"

i swear, if she laid a hand on him. i dont know what i would do, but no one here, including me, would be left alive.

her eyes darken. "i was actually hoping you would tell me, Lucky. your brother has become a magician. a cold case."

she doesnt know? did wooyoung actually skip town?

"i told him to bring me the hand of who killed my boys or else i would have his. he hasnt been back in days."

fuck. this is bad. im actually starting to get dizzy.

someone rolls into the garage, and my face drops in horror at the man and his disfigured, burnt face. hes in a wheelchair, an armbrace and has a bandage wrapped over everything but his mouth and eyes.

"you and your buddy got changbin and a lot of good boys killed. look what they did to seonghwa." miss A says.

that's fucking seonghwa? he looks fucked. hes never recovering. he wouldve been better off dead. now he really looks like something out of a horror movie, a real, terrifying disfigured butcher.

"that hongjong motherfucker," miss A laughs but there's nothing joyful in it. "he came into MY warehouse, burnt MY cargo, killed MY men. and all because he was looking for you two."

im struggling to breathe. i dont show it but im silently breaking down. i cant take my eyes off seonghwa. thats it? thats my future? i might as well kill myself. seonghwa killed yunho, he was one of the topdogs in the gang. im fucking nothing. if thats what that hongjoong guy could do to him then its over for me.

"he said that?" is all i can get out. miss A lifts my chin and forces me to look at her.

"you're not a boy anymore, Lucky. you'll always be a baby in my eyes, but its time for you to get serious, dont you think?" she tells me. "wooyoung is gone. so someone has to fix this. you know the rules, you make a mess, and you clean it up."

"miss A-" i start stammering. i feel like im going to cry. "we didnt do anything. we never even met that hongjoong guy. wooyoung shot mingi because he tried to kill him. it was in self defence."

"did i ask for an account of what happened?" miss A's voice drips with sarcasm. "i dont care who did what. but my boys paid the price. i wont let an attack on my turf go unpunished. you find wooyoung and you two will go and kill that fucker or i'll have you swimming in a fishtank with the rest of yunho. am i clear?"

fuck no. fuck my life is over. i just started having sex and now i have to die. this is a fucking nightmare.

"yes, ma'am," i nod my head. "when do you want this done?"

"before my boys suffer another attack. he wants you, so let him come."

"you won't find him," seonghwa says and he sounds like a lays packet trying to talk. his voice is raspy and sounds terrible. "he only shows when he wants to be found. and he wanted to be found that day. so make him come to you."

i dont want him anywhere near me! i want to scream. look at what the fuck he did to you.

i have to run away. i have to do it tonight. i have to take everything. i cant think clearly, my brain is beating so hard i can feel it in my ears.

i nod and get up and miss A distractedly starts counting the money. "so you got the money fast. i always knew you could do it, you were just lazy before, yeah?"

i had help, i want to say. yaera's stealing, her savings, wooyoung stealing all mingi's gambling winnings, fucking jongho. i couldnt have done this on my own. i would have been dead by the end of this month.

i did all that, just to stay alive. only to have another target on my head. this...it never fucking ends. its only going to get worse. i cant win. this game, its unbeatable.

i almost want to laugh out of pure irony. and yaera wanted me to ask miss A for a fixed amount. she wanted to help me pay off my dads bullshit debt. im never going to be free.

my hopes and dreams are gone.

"you still have your dad's gun right?" miss A asks me. i say yes in the smallest voice.

she smiles. "you better get to using it then, Lucky."

i leave miss A's garage with nothing left in the tank. nothing but another assignment. an assignment that will kill me.

im the sacrificial fucking lamb. why is she doing this to me? because she thinks i can do it? because she wants to get rid of me? i did what she asked of me. i got her yunho. i got her the drug money. now she wants me to kill an assassin? an assassin that already has a bodycount of seven?

and hes brutal. four of those were other gangsters, luckily none of those were ours at the time, but he guts every one of his enemies. he was connected to a murder of a prostitute. and cut out the stomachs and sliced off the hands of two guys who apparently looked at his sister.

what the FUCK am i getting into.

i get home and i dont know what to do. everything comes crashing down on me. i throw my fist into the picture frames on the wall, sending glass bursting everywhere. i look at the picture of my parents, feeling nothing but burning hatred. i hate them both. i hate my mother for leaving me behind in this shit life and i fucking hate that bullshit excuse of a sperm donor for killing me.

he killed me. he signed my death sentence.

i start tearing everything apart. im ripping my apartment to shreds because nothing matters. this is all useless, nothing, i wouldnt fucking miss this place. i have nothing but awful memories here. but my anger doesnt last. it comes crashing down so fast that im left to collapse next to my bed and i cant stop myself from crying.

its over for me. everything is.

i had nothing to begin with. nothing except...

without even thinking, my bleeding hand reaches for my phone on my desk and calls her. she picks up on the first ring.

"san?" her voice is comforting and i dont know why. i dont fucking know this girl. she doesnt know me. but shes all i have. and i dont even reall have her. "are you okay? you never call me."

i cant even speak, im heaving into the microphone and sniffling uncontrollably.

"san?" she sounds more concerned. oh shes concerned for me. thats nice. i'll remember how nice it feels when i die.

"c-can you come over, please?"

i dont even recognize my voice. its cracking and its like the pained whimper of an animal. she puts off the phone and i wrap myself around my bedsheets, curling into a pathetic ball.

shes here within 15 minutes. i dont know how she got here so fast. she was supposed to be at school. it was still one period before lunch. she must have been skipping. i wish i skipped more class now that i know im not going to live very long. studying all that shit was pointless. i should have been living like her. like i dont have a care in the world. but i cant. and i never could.

she walks into my apartment with her eyes wide, dropping her blazer off her shoulders and onto my dirty floor. "what the hell happened? are you okay?" she runs and puts herself infront of me.

"did someone break in?" she holds my wet face. i never stopped crying. not once. she looks horrified seeing me this way. i cant imagine how bad i must look. "oh my god."

she hugs me. she hugs me and i grip her so tightly till i feel my lungs tighten. the tears are pouring harder now. im staining her white blouse.

"im going to die," i choke out. "they're going to kill me."

"what?" she gasps. "who?"

i try to speak but i dont stop crying. this is fucking awful. she shushes me and lets me continue, rubbing my hair in the softest way that makes me hope i wont die, just so that i'd experience it more than once.

"im here, dont worry."

of course you are. you're always here. always invading my apartment. always working on my nerves. always in my head since i fucking met you. i wish i didnt take that for granted for as long as i did. if i knew this was all i'd have left.

i dont know what possesses me. i pull away from her, my hands drift up to the buttons of her blouse. im careful so she knows i wont hurt her the way he did. she watches my bleeding knuckles, looking at me with tender eyes. she doesnt stop me. i flick open the first button as she stands above me.

"can i?" i choke out. "this is all i have."

she starts removing her own buttons. "you dont even have to ask," she tells me.

she trusts me so much. if this is all i have left then i dont want to destroy it.

she drops her blouse, revealing her bronze, skin bare skin and black bra. the sun in my blinds isnt doing her justice. i reach behind her and unclip her bra and her boobs spill out right in my face. her skin is warm. shes so warm. she lifts my ugly brown hoodie off my body, trailing her hand down my stomach.

her touch feels like satin. i dont deserve it. she doesnt deserve this.

"i-i dont want to use you as a coping mechanism," i tell her but im talking to a wall. i dont want to but i am. im going to die and all i want to do is fuck her one last time. there isnt enough time in the world.

she kisses me sorely, with way too much emotion for what we really are. two broken, fragile people. we have no business with each other, but she kisses me like i mean something.

"for you, san, i'd let you use me however you want," she whispers against my lips. "as long as its you."

i feel my heart pain. i want to cry again but my dick is hard and i can only focus on two things at once. so i deal with my boner first.

i slide down her thin, pink underwear from under her skirt and it drops to her ankles. she steps out of it and pulls my sweatpants out from under me, immediately sliding herself onto my dick.

she moans softly into my ear and it feels like heaven. shes like heaven wrapped in one complicated woman. she could destroy me. she could ask to end me and i would let her.

i'd rather it be you than anyone else.

i grip her softly and my hands are stinging but i dont care. i feel weak. but somehow with her here, it doesnt hurt as much. shes riding me slowly, its crazy how without any foreplay shes already drenched down there. i guess she does like me a little.

she peppers kisses all over my neck as i hold her up, losing my mind as she slowly sinks and rises onto me. i never fucking liked our stupid school uniform but seeing it on her like this, with her on me, just makes me lose my mind. jongho doesnt fucking know what he missed out on.

"you know i care about you right?" she whispers into my ear. "its about more than just the money. you know that right?"

my lips her are on her chest and i kiss her there slowly. "i know," i mutter. actually i didnt know that. i dont know what the fuck she sees in a dickhead like me.

"good," she says, then pushes me down to my back. she adjusts herself to straddle me properly but i cant watch her struggle to please me. i get back up and flip her under me, pushing her back down gently when she tries to protest.

"but-"

"i want you to feel the way you make me feel," i say. and i never thought i'd ever utter words like that. fuck, no wonder everyone thought i was gay.

i drag my lips down her perfect, sculpted torso and plant them onto her shivering, wet hole. she whimpers weakly as i stick my tongue inside, slowly impaling her with it. i dont care that im taking my time honestly. im going to die, so i might as well make this as long as it can.

i drink up her bitter juices, lapping my tongue across her slit. the moans she lets out are otherworldly, definetely worthy of a noise complaint. i dont mind it. i feel useful for once in my life. i slowly inch a finger into her warm hole, sucking on her pleasure button while im at it. i'd call it her clit, but thats too rough for me.

"san please," she begs. "i want you so bad, just fuck me already."

i stop at her request, getting up and over her. i line myself at her entrance, pushing in slowly. she throws her arms around my neck and the eye contact we have as i just lay there inside her is enough to make me drop it all. i'd drop it all and leave with her, wherever she wanted to go.

her hole feels like home. my dick fits perfectly inside her. its warm and hugs me and i cant get enough of it. i push in and out slowly, taking in her eyes. they havent left mine. her lips are parted in bliss, and i decide to kiss them. she moans into my mouth, and it feels like a fucking spell being casted on me. i accelerate the pace, and the lewd sounds of her squelching and our breaths syncing up are all that can be heard.

it turns around so fast. im fucking into her at a pace thats desperate. like if i fuck her any slower, its going to get taken away from me. everything will. her legs are wrapped around my waist and she clenches on me, as if she doesnt want me to ever leave. i dig my fingers into her skin, holding onto dear life as i feel myself getting closer.

"wait," she breathes. "i wanna do it standing up."

i pause mid stroke. "how?"

"against the wall. lift me."

i go along with it. we get up and she lays with her back against the wall, lifting her leg so i can put it in. i pick her up and she slides onto me perfectly, and this new angle makes my brain go foggy. its so much deeper and tighter, i can feel her soak onto me.

i start ramming into her against the wall and her hair is hanging down her face, making her look like a sexier version of the grudge. she looks utterly lost in it all, and its so enjoyable to watch. i feel like im doing something right seeing her looked so absolutely fucked out.

my legs grow weaker as i hit her walls, feeling myself getting closer to the edge. shes demanding, with her legs wrapped around me she wont stop till ive been emptied.

"you're so fucking perfect," she whisper-whines, and its enough for me to blow. i completely blow inside her and she creams on me at the same time, our juices mixed together like some fucked up smoothie.

i drop her and she doesnt remove her arms from my neck. instead she pulls my body towards her, till we're chest to chest, completely naked amd kisses me harder than she ever has before.

this isnt even because we're fucking. she just wants to do it. and honestly, i needed it so badly.

when she pulls away im left yearning for more. it makes me sick. "thank you," i tell her. "i needed this."

"i know," she says softly. "tell me everything."

***

after i tell yaera everything, we're sitting on the bed beside each other, a painful, weighing silence between us.

"what are you going to do?" she asks, sounding hopeless.

"i have to kill the guy. or miss A's going to kill me."

"the police?" she says but knows immediately it wont work.

"i'd die before miss A sees trial," i laugh emptily. "and i'd go to jail for sure. she has enough on me to make sure i'm wanted."

she's frowning. she's realizing money cant buy my freedom. or my life.

"after you kill that gangster...nothing will be the same," she says. "you'd have blood on your own hands."

i shrug and stare out of my window. "it ends here, yaera. for both of us."

she stands up abruptly and looks like she wants to break into sobs. "no you can't disappear after this. i still need you."

i smile weakly. hearing that makes me feel better. someone will miss me.

"when i'm gone, you can have my apartment. i have some money left over here, maybe you'll be able to get away for good. you'll never deal with that freak again."

she's not happy with my answer. "no, san. i dont want you to go. i dont want you to disappear. cant we catch a one way flight? can't we run? i'll run with you. i promise."

she actually wants to stay with me. when i dont answer yaera bends down infront of me, holding my hands. i cant believe how quickly things turned around. i have so much to lose.

"when you finish your business, we're getting the fuck out of here, okay? promise me. i'll get the tickets, i'll get everything ready. but promise me you'll come back to me."

i cant promise that i'll be alive. i want to, but i dont want to lie to her.

"i cant promise i'll make it back, yaera," i mutter. a tear rolls down her face. "and even if we run away, is this really sustaintable?"

"is what?"

"us?"

she scoffs. "i dont think now is the time to think of what we are. i dont care about defining this relationship, thats not important. all i know is, you're all i have."

"you're all i have too." i whisper.

"thats enough for me. so promise?"

"okay, i promise."

"good, now lets clean up here and pick a place on the map."

yaera and i spend the rest of the afternoon cleaning up my shattered apartment. i take my parents pictures and throw it in the spare room where i dont have to see it. when we're done, yaera makes herself at home and lays down in my bed watching youtube. i get dressed and she switches off her phone when she notices.

"where are you going?"

"remember those gangsters you met the night you followed me? im paying them a visit." i tell her.

"your dad's old gang...are you going to ask them to help you?"

"yeah. i wanna see if they've heard from wooyoung. get help where i can."

"okay. is it cool if i stay over?" she asks. "i dont feel like going home."

she doesnt even have to ask anymore. i say my goodbyes and make my way downtown.

getting into mao's place has always been shady, im surprised there are guys outside the door. they see me and are shocked to see me, letting me in and muttering shit in cantonese under their breaths.

i find mao sitting around a table and gambling and by god, i find wooyoung too.

he freezes when i see him and i have half the mind to beat the shit out of him. this is where hes been the whole fucking time?!

"sannie!" mao yelps with his cigarette dangling off his lips. "look we're finally good enough for him again! i heard you've been visiting everyone BUT me!"

i run across the room and catch wooyoung before he can run. then i pick him up and toss him into the closest wall. "you DICKHEAD!" i scream.

mao's men jump up from their seats and get between us. "woah woah woah!" mao shouts. "no fucking fighting under my roof! take that shit to the alley!"

"what the fuck man?!" wooyoung huffs. "arent you glad im alive?"

"you couldnt pick up a phone? you couldnt call me to let me know?" i snap. "i thought you fucking skipped town!"

"i had to toss my phone!" wooyoung stresses. "miss A is looking for me."

"i KNOW! I KNOW SHES LOOKING FOR YOU BECAUSE ITS BECOME MY PROBLEM, WOO!"

i start laughing hysterically. "we're fucked. we're both fucked because of you and i hope you know that."

wooyoung stands up, dusting himself off. he has a remorseful look on his face. fucking say something coward.

"i tried to keep you out of it," he admits shamefully. "i was gonna get it done."

"you were gonna kill hongjoong by yourself?" i scoff. "you'd be done for before you even do anything!"

"mao gave me a gun," woo says. i look to mao and he shrugs.

"you know about this?" i ask him.

"as long as he doesnt involve me, i dont mind helping out," mao says. "i dont want black dragons on this side of the world, but bae su ji is losing her touch."

"who the fuck is bae suji?" both woo and i ask angrily.

"Miss A."

"you know Miss A's government name?" woo questions. mao shrugs.

"we used to date in high school."

we're getting off track. im still fucking angry, i turn to wooyoung.

"so? let me hear this fucking plan of yours."

"i dont want you involved san. we cant both be dead."

it feels like my veins are going to pop. "she's going to KILL ME if i dont fucking do something about that hongjoogn fucker. he put seonghwa in a wheelchair and killed changbin. shes going to kill me if i dont get involved, woo, so just tell me the fucking plan."

"hongjoong's sister is getting married soon," mao interjects. "woo's gonna wipe him out there."

"and then im going to skip town for real," woo says with a dark look. "mao's arranged for me to go to hong kong. im gonna work for him there."

"you know who was also supposed to go to hongkong?" i laugh darkly. "yunho."

the room falls into uncomfortable silence aside from the sound of dominoes hitting the table.

"i'll be there, woo." i tell him. "im leaving town too."

"where are you going?" both mao and woo asks.

"im leaving with yaera," i answer woo only. mao is confused and wooyoung tells him its my girlfriend.

"you left Flor?" mao is shocked. i sigh remembering that yaera gave mao a fake name when she followed me. i dont dignify him with an answer.

"alright man," woo sounds defeated. "now you know. i didnt wanna keep in touch because i didnt want to make things worse."

"they're already bad, woo. you not telling me changed nothing."

ive calmed down significantly. i feel defeated but at least i know this bastard is alive.

"what about mingi?" i question. "he started this shit in the first place."

"im taking them both out," wooyoung says. "mingi's the groom. hongjoong's walking his sister down the aisle."

how convenient. two birds with one stone. now, how were we going to get out of it alive?

"WE, wooyoung," i correct him. "WE'RE taking them both out."

***

yaera

after i helped san clean up his rampage, i saw something interesting in his spare room.

i stare at the daewoo k5 in my hands, i never realized san was the kind to keep guns. with the way he lives, i guess i shouldnt be surprised. he needs it more than anything.

something dangerous popped into my mind when looking at it. the first thing i thought of was wiping santo off this earth.

wouldnt i be doing a good deed? taking that rapist, pedophile and fucking freak off this planet?

he called me again. from a different number. i never pick up unknown IDs because of him. but i picked up this time, and all i heard was him breathing harshly.

"i dont like being ignored, yaera. it hurts my heart. you dont want to know how i act when im hurt."

i wonder if yasmine found out, and thats how she ended up where she did.

i know he wasnt anywhere near her when she died, but the thought that he touched her the way he touched me...the fact that she enjoyed it. it was driving me insane. i feel myself losing it with every single thought that flashes by me.

i just want to leave. i want san to finish up his business, come out alive and free me from this place.

we decided on soroa, cuba. europe wouldnt be a good place for us to start over in. latin america would be fresh. its going to be better.

i tried to keep busy but my stomach ached for san. with every apartment i looked at, every beach and every municipality i imagined living in, i had a thought of san never seeing it. i feel so fucking helpless.

i cant fix any of this. i never could but ive never felt this cornered before now. if anything happens to him, i know im going to end up in a ward. i cant leave this place without him when he helped me get to this point.

my parents have left me so many missed calls. so have irina and claire. none from anya? thats weird. she always leaves me the most calls.

i decide to call irina back. i havent heard from them aside from drug related business so it'd be nice if she could take my mind off the fuckery thats been taking place. they always have the most interesting things to tell me. vacationing in saint tropez, partying in monaco, i'd love them to tell me about cuba.

irina picks up first ring. "hey girl–"

"you fucking bitch," she snares at me. i jolt up from the bed at her tone.

"hello?" i repeat in confusion.

"anya is DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!"

fire creeps up on my skin. it feels like all my hairs raising.

"w-what?"

"she fucking mixed whatever pill you gave her and she threw up all over herself. we fucking rushed her to hospital and she didnt make it!"

this has to be why my parents called me. oh my god. oh my god anya's dead.

"i dont know what you mean," is the first thing i say. probably not the best thing but its the first thing i could get out. there has to be people around her right now. i cant risk it.

"now you dont know what im talking about?" irina snaps. "you fucking killed her."

"anya has a history of drug abuse, irina. why are you blaming me for this? im sorry for what happened but dont call me with this bullshit ever again."

i quickly put off the phone and start hyperventilating. fuck this is a mess, my parents probably found out. they probably know. if i go home im screwed. i cant go home, they'll keep me there.

how do i stay out of this. i know i cant go to jail, none of them have any proof that i dealt them drugs. not a single shred of evidence. there are the cellphone records, but those calls cant get traced back to me. the phone's too old. i need to stay away from them.

i have to fix this, somehow. i cant unload it on san he has enough on his plate. but it sounds like ive made an enemy out of the closest thing i have to friends. i dont know what to do.

i look at the gun on my lap. i have to finish the story.

***

next chapter

tagslist: @sansonlygf @brown88 @yujispinkhair @mountiiny

#ateez angst #ateez imagines #choi san angst #ateez fanfic #ateez fic #ateez crime au #ateez gang au #ateez smut #choi jongho #choi san #park seonghwa #song mingi #choi san fluff #choi san smut #ateez x reader #ateez ot8

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astroyongie · 2 months

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i honestly feel like i was born in the wrong era. either im too old for something or someone or im past the point of being able to achieve something. then when looking at how all these kpop groups are so young yet successful and talented just makes me question why i didnt do something like that.

we didnt have kpop in my school time but why couldnt i have just picked something and stuck with it? on top of it i believe im never going to fit anyones ideal type so whats the point in existing cause no one gonna truly get to know me.

unless i can somehow pass away before im 50 then i dont have to continue to think about all this shit and how i shouldve done better or i shouldve picked such and such a career and i shouldve tried to put myself out there more but in my age theres really nothing out there to seek when its all handed to younger generations.

and i would want to have my own success based on my own effort but have fallen short in so many ways its impossible to not find something i could do about it bc im too far behind and it does get to a point where you think that it is too late bc in order to gain any talent you have to have done it from a young age.

i dont want to rely on someone else to do it for me but i couldnt do it myself due to personal situations. yet i feel like thats an excuse cause once again all these young idols seem to be ro have something about them that makes their life a success. like yes the end inudstry is far from perfect but thats what people have been seeking themselves so it cant all be that bad all the time for them if these groups including older age groups have went out got success and even they get all the benefits of the super rich lifestyle but at the same time money doesnt bring true happiness and it seems a very shallow way they live sometimes, they have a supply and demand contract with their audiences and rely so much on social media which although i use it im not attached to it and i cant relate to obsessing over latest dance trend. i also want to stop the woe is me narrative but its really fucking hard to not feel so ashamed, behind or negative about things.

the most advice people gove is bog standard like if ur bored, go out more but its hard not to feel left out, if ur loney go find someone, if u dont have an income go get a job its literally never that simple. even in education you still have to pay for it as an adult meaning you have to already have a job but even then theres still means of you getting misjudged for your age and classmates have already done that to me before it wasnt that fun. its like saying to someone depressed to go take medicine to take away the feeling.

idk what im doing anymore besides waiting to randomly pass away so i can be done with this shite. sorry for ranting so much but idk who else to speak too bc no one else never seems to understand my frustrations with the way things have panned out.

Comparing yourself to others people archievement is the worst thing you can do. because we are all different, we all go through different shits (just like you rightfully said) and not all of us have the same opportunities presented. beating yourself up for that is a cruel thing to do wishing yourself.

It does also seem like you struggle a lot with self worth, self love and that is probably because never once someone complimented you for the things that you have achieve (to this point were you believe you havent achieved anything).

Love, hatred that you carry is a motivator, and you need to accept one thing. as long as you are breathing nothing is to late to archive, as long as you are here you should be kinder to yourself. because why are you comparing yourself to idols? I often say this here but when was it the last time you appreciated life? when was the last time you went out, stared at the ocean, at the night sky, breathed into a forest, when was the last time you felt a sense of peace? seek that out. dwelling on what we could have been is cruel hun, and not helping you in any kind <3

its okay to rant, dont worry, I hope I dont sound to harsh either, its just that I pains me seeing you guys going through so much suffering when I promise you all, darkness cannot live without light. just find your way back to it, often you dont need a big reason. sometimes the most tiny thing can be a source of happiness, seek yours !

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jamisonwritestf2trash · 7 months

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can we talk about how much of a genuine coward spy is when it came to scouts death in the comics? He couldnt bring himself to tell scout the truth, so he "had someone else" do it for him by disguising as tom jones and THEN telling scout.

Sure, maybe he doesnt want Scout to jate him, but still. The rest of the team knows. He probably had to BRIBE them to keep their yaps shut.

Which got me thinkin of a little story. The guilt of both leaving scout and failing to admit the truth to scout is eating spy from the inside out, yet hes been trained and taught not to feel any emotions outwardly, so he doesnt express anything towards it.

But here's the catch: his body is literally being eaten alive inside by the "guilt". AKA, it's just failing on him.

It starts small, with the occassional smoker's cough, until blood starts to come up with the coughing. Its not mucj at first, just some specks, but it gets more intense as time continues until hes coughing out nothing but blood.

medics unable to identify whats wrong. Spy doesnt know what to do. he doesnt know why its happening. he has to get off the battlefield because its gotten so bad.

his teammates are concerned. spy brushes their concern off, saying that he'll be alright in a few days or so.

he was wrong. a few days later hes practically DYING. medic tells him that je cant do anything for spy, and that even if he brings spy back, itll just keep happening. spy finally asks medic to do him a final favour: Tell Scout the truth once spy's dead. Tell everyone to act like they hadn't known, so it seems like scout wasnt left in the dark about it. Medic agrees, sad that it had come to this and feeling like a bad doctor for letting his teammate down. Medic brings the news to everyone but scout and relays spys final request to them. They agree to pretend they hadnt known, including miss pauling, since she was there.

Spy dies a couple days later. Medic tells everyone at breakfast time that spy had passed overnight. Everyones saddened and stunned. Medic then relays spy's request to tell the truth.

Scout's devasted. Absolutely crushed. He wasnt a fan of spy, sure, but now knowing that spy was his dad, he doesnt know what to feel.

The mercs hold a makeshift funeral for spy, and scout doesnt attend. he cant bring himself to. He's upset, both bevause he wasnt told and because he'd never get to make up lost time with his father.

Anon you're killing me.

Uh, this was so good!

But dare I say on the Spy being a coward part, I actually look at that scene as Spy realizing that telling Scout now, while he's dying, won't provide him any comfort, it'll just make his death about Spy in a sence. So he turns into Tom Jones, knowing that's the thing that will provide Scout with the most comfort in his final moments. He also knows that his true feelings about Scout will mean more from Tom Jones than Spy. I mean, if you look at how happy Scout looks at being told that, Spy knows that if he would have been the one to say it, he would have killed the peaceful death that Scout deserved. (But I saw a theory once that claims that Scout knew that Spy was Tom Jones in this situation, and he just played along)

Also! I honestly don't think the other mercs would have to be bribed not to talk about it. They just wouldn't say anything, knowing that its a moment Spy and Scout need to share. That's why when Scout was dying Sniper only said

"Mate." And nothing more. He knew, and I highly doubt Sniper was taking money from Spy to keep keep secret hidden.

But anyway! This was really good. Thank you for sending this Anon!

#tf2 #team fortress 2 #tf2 scout #tf2 spy #spydad

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lokorum · 2 years

Text

ahhhh i wanted to share them for so long! but im so chaotic i cant even choose names for my oc that gonna stick for more than a week dfgjfdsgd ahhh but thanks to your super cute and heartwarming words i feel like you know, its not important if they half-baked - i can show them and talk about them a bit anyway! so yeah, some of my other tes oc! and nae!! wtih bad looking face injury!! because ofc!! let pretend he just fell on his way here okay my boi is a bit clumsy like that ;dlfkg;lfkg

へ_(‾◡◝ )>

so! the twins and satha! when i woke up a week ago they were refugees from morrowind, and yesterday? when looking at them? i was like ''hmmm looking pretty maormer for me ha……………..". so maormers they are………

nae spends a bit of time with this little family, after satha finds him wounded in the forest and decides to help, (later she teaches him basics of taking care of himself and other important stuff because a small reminder- nae has quickly progressing alzheimer).

but couple of years after that nae indirectly causes satha's death, shino's abduction and also sponsors isa's nightmares for the rest of her life while she witnessing all this shit, too young and terrified to do something.

nae tries not to panic and undone the whole situation but learns that wow death is death you cant do anything about it even if your magic mouth can speak magic words that make fire out of nowhere, you silly little biscuit, so he panics and flee and starting main quest which is lets be real the punishment in itself.

shino lives horribly as a servant\toyboy until everyone is dead and he isnt, and ended up in dark brotherhood. later in life he meets nae but because of the alzheimer nae doesnt remember neither shino, nor isa nor satha and its absolutely breaks shino's heart.

and isa has two main roots!

-> she may be ended up as neloth's apprentice; never seeing her twin-brother again, but she'll be safe and happy and really belongs there with this grumpy wizard's ass and his god awful tea

-> or! if she will meet nae again and as we established nothing good happens with anyone who meets nae her burning hatred and pain that she tried to soothe all her life will light up again, worse than ever. in her pursuit of justice she will join the vigilants of stendarr, then go rogue and then joins company of really nice fellows that may or may not include miraak. i 1000% roote for her choosing the first path but also i can wake up tomorrow thinking its a pretty good idea to make her daedric prince of bananas, so i probably? cant be trusted.

ehhh now when im rereading it i think i should have start with simple stuff like their fave food and colors, the clothes they wear but my brain were like DEATH MURDER SUFFORINGS and now we’re here. thank you for reading this mess! next time i write something about molag’s fave “do that go there what are you talking there’s no such word as vacation in daedric” xivkyn - aut’be and giant pain in everyone's ass and also mannimarco’s beloved punching bag - mazken ayasha! ʿʿ˅⁽ˆ⁰ˆ˺ ⁾˺

#tes #the elder scrolls #tesblr #tes oc #skyrim #morrowind #dovahkiin #dragonborn #original characters #artists on tumblr #nae #twins and satha

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marunalu · 2 years

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Its so funny how so many anti dfo people claim now afo cant be izukus father, because he "doesnt have freckles" and because hes not a 100% copy of him!

Sorry for bursting your bubble, but can even ONE person here show me ONE kid in this show, that is a perfect copy of one of its parent??? No, you cant!

First we have ochako. She looks a lot like her mother, has her hair and her cheeks, but also has the round eyes from her dad, his eye colour and his eyebrows.

Second we have bakugou. He comes A LOT after his mother, both in appearance and personality. His hair colour is a little bit darker then his mothers, because of his dads brown hair. His hair style is also from his dad.

Next we have tsuyu and her family. All of them look very different but also similar to each other. All three children seem to come more after the mother and have green hair. The boys hair is a little bit darker like his fathers. Tsuyu has her big hands from her mother. All three kids have their round eyes and mouths from their mother, but no one looks completly like her. Not one of them looks like their dad.

Now we have jiro and her parents. At first glance she looks a lot like her mom, but if you look closely you can see, that she only has her hair, the face shape and the same ear things (sorry dont know what to call them properly). But she also has her fathers teint and his eye shape and colour.

Second to last we have the todorokis. I dont think I really have to say much here, do I? Not ONE of the todoroki kids is a clone of one of their parents! ALL FOUR have traits of BOTH parents. ALL FOUR siblings look different to each other, but also share similarities like same hair colour or same eye colour from one of their parents. But not one of them looks COMPLETLY like enji OR rei! Each kid has something from their father AND mother!

Okay and now tell me again that THIS boy

CANT be the son of this woman and THIS man!

Tell me without lying to yourself he CANT be afos son!!!! Be honest!

Izuku has inkos big round eyes, her tiny nose (for now) and her chin.

He has afos face shape and jaw line. His hair line and curly hair (afos hair is just shorter, but you can see its curly, espicially in the anime). On the shonen jump cover afos hair had also light and dark highlights just like izukus. He even has his eyebrows. He has the same tooth showing smile.

Izukus hair colour is a mix of both of his parents. Inkos hair is dark green, but izukus is a lighter green/turquoise. Mix inkos dark green and afos white hair and you get izukus hair colour!

And most importantly izuku shares an other very important physical trait with someone else: yoichi! Afos brother! His EYE COLOUR! Izuku and yoichi have the EXACT same eye colour with white pupils! (Sorry I cant post a picture of yoichi. Tumblr only allows ten pictures in a post, but I think you are all big enough to search for one yourself).

So again: dare to tell me izuku CANT be afos son! Because if you do, this post proofed you are lying, because not ONE of these kids above looks COMPLETLY like one of their parent! NOT ONE!

And there is even more. Tenko and hana have traits from both their parents. And their grandmother. Hana has nanas hair and tenko has nanas mole.

And there is also an other factor who plays in the kids appearance. All of them, including izuku, still have babyfaces with a lot of baby fat, because they are still teenagers, while their parents faces are matured to full adulthood!

And for the whole freckles thing. Afo not having freckles doesnt mean ANYTHING, because freckles can vanish over the years. A person can have them as a child, but completly lose them till adulthood. Also freckles arent something a child can inherited from its parent. A child can have freckles while both parents dont have them, because it has nothing to do with genetics, but with your skintype and the sun! That also means afo COULD have had freckles as a child, but lost them over time. But even IF he never had them, it doesnt debunk anything!

Also lets be real now: if hori had revealed afos face in this chapter WITH freckles, pretty much NO ONE would deny dfo anymore! It would literally confirm the theory and by giving afo no freckles, hori makes sure there is still a lot of suspense and mystery around izukus father! Hori KNOWS that people want to know who izukus father is and he KNOWS about the dfo theory! He even helped fulling the theory with comments he said about izukus father in interviews! The manga is ending soon, its the last arc! At this point no one but afo makes any sense to be hisashi!

#bnha #bnha dad for one #all for one is hisashi midoriya #dad for one theory #bnha spoiler

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mochiwrites · 3 months

Note

“The plan has changed. I’ve hired someone to do what you couldn’t do the first time.”

NONONONONONONONONO GRIAN PLEASE GRIAN NO GRIAN PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GRIAN NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONNONONONONONO

THAT TEASER YOU POSTED SOME TIME AGO MAKES THIS SO MUCH WORSE NONONONONONONONONONONONO

He knows what he has to do, what he’s meant to do. It’s the role he’s been cast to play.

Secret life parallels oh lordy lord. i am SO UNWELL. no. NOOOOOOO. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH i legitimately dont have any words. the only way i can properly express how im feeling right now is just AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

He’s not naive and hopeful like Grian is, or as kind as Mumbo can be. He’s selfish and cruel, and his loyalty is fickle.

this is legitimately one of my favorite parts of scar's character actually. i don't have the brain power to properly analyze this, but something about how honest he is about this is so. augh. this trait is what's ultimately going to be his demise (at least, he thinks so). he'll lose grian and mumbo (possibly through death) because he chooses tubbo over mumbo and grian. he knows and he's not proud of it but it's vital to his survival anyways so he does nothing to fight it.

i dont think i make sense at all and theres a great possibility ive mischaracterized him entirely (it wouldnt be the first time, sadly) but i love it regardless. i love how flawed he is. how flawed they all are. i love how tragic their stories are. grian with his unwavering hope and optimism that gets constantly tested (and possibly crushed at some point) and scar with his insistence to not get close that eventually stabs him in the back and mumbo with his guarded but oh so big heart that he's tentatively given out only to get hurt in some way. please correct me if any of this is wrong, btw, id rather be corrected than live in ignorance of the truth

No amount of rope can pull him out. It’ll snap apart under the weight of his actions, so why try? There’s no real point in it.

this is why you need a grian, scar. sigh.

He needs to stop being Scar and start being the Grim Reaper. He sucks in a breath, throwing Scar away.

oh this is fantastic because scar cares so deeply for them and would do just about anything to protect them, because as much as he tries not to, scar cares and loves. but that's exactly the problem because he cares for and loves tubbo so much he'd do just about anything to protect him, including sacrificing grian and mumbo. but scar couldn't possibly do that when he cares for them so much. so he weaponizes the grim reaper, who doesn't care for anyone or anything besides getting the job done.

im genuinely just rambling here there's zero coherence to be found in any of this

“We figured we should take advantage of the peace while we can,"

wow youre really just pulling out all the stops to make this hurt as much as possible arent you

But even then… surely it wouldn’t take this long to heal.

this is SOOOOO CONCERNING are you KIDDING ME???? MUMBO PLEASEEEEEEEEE YOU CANT DO THIS TO ME MAN😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

“Maybe we can come back tomorrow earlier.”

i have you say you are incredible at setting the mood. having an idea of what's about to happen as a third party, watching it all unfold. grian and mumbo being right there and nearly getting to the truth, but not quite getting it because they trust scar. BECAUSE THEY TRUST SCAR!! grum and jrum being there adding to the innocence of it all and amplifying how unsettling scar's actions are. "maybe we can come back tomorrow" when there's not going to BE a tomorrow for them (assuming scar succeeds). it's so tense. it's so anxiety-inducing. it's such an intense sense of foreboding and it has my heart rate genuinely going up. infinite props to you.

He aims for Mumbo’s shoulder.

might be overthinking this but i hate that this implies the possibility that scar informed this assassin with ways to make the killing easier

He grits his teeth as he pulls another glyph from his pocket. He slams it between his hands, vines wrapping up around his arms.

GRIAN'S GLYPHS LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOO!! IT'S EVEN COOLER THAN ID IMAGINED HEHE

“Did you get hit at all?” He does a quick scan of the changeling for any injuries.

you're really making this hurt

“Dad!” the two boys cry, the word not registering to any of them in the moment.

AAAAAAAAAA YOURE GONNA MAKE ME CRY STOP IT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Blood splatters on the ground in thick drops, spilling in the grooves of the cobble path.

i havent read ahead and i swear to god if this is grian sacrificing himself for mumbo and he turns around and sees grian's body on the pavement and screams "GRIAN!" and that's what the teaser was and that's how it ends my brain is going to be filled with unspeakable screaming until it gets confirmation that he's okay.

“GRIAN!”

I WASNT SUPPOSED TO BE RIGHT. I WASNT SUPPOSED TO HAVE GUESSED CORRECTLY. I WASNT. THAT WASNT. IM. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

IM. I HAVE NO WORDS. I HAVEN'T A SINGLE COHERENT SENTENCE. I AM JUST. WOW. IM. WHAT. NO. NO?????? NO. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HFGJFHKFHGJFK WELL. HI LMAO

reading through all of this with a big grin because excitement and Also knowing what happens next >:3c I'd apologize about the teaser thing but I am Not sorry WHEEZE

but in regards to the scar stuff, you're 100% right, yeah, along with grian and mumbo. they're all flawed characters just trying to do the right thing with the cards they've been dealt. their best qualities are Easily their greatest weaknesses. and none of them realize it but y'know. that's what being human is all about! :D

aND THE GRIM REAPER YEAHHHH. I talk about it all the time but I genuinely love scar being the grim reaper. weaponizing it in this chapter. he's such an interesting character to both study and write

but !!!! very glad to see that the first bomb of three has landed appropriately! :D

#mochi speaks #songbird asks

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