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icequeenbae · 3 years

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Desert Flower (m) Ch. 1 | BBH

Pairing: Baekhyun x Reader x Baëkhyun

Characters: EXO and X-EXO (not all of them mentioned)

EXO vs X-EXO dynamics, complicated relationships, angsty, action, smut (as usual)

Warnings: sorta mingling with your ex’s ‘evil twin’, mentions of blood/ violence (nothing too graphic… I suppose), Y/N gets teary a lot(?), explicit content, rough sex, unprotected sex

Word Count: ~13.5k (full), ~3.7k (Chapter 1)

Summary: Baekhyun, your beloved boyfriend of three years, suddenly breaks up with you and disappears from the city in an attempt to protect you. But leaving you alone and clueless means trouble will surely find you. For it is easy to spot a flower in the desert.

Masterlist >> One >> Two (m) >> Three (m) >> Four (fin)

Author’s Note: Yay, this is happening!!! My first BaekBaёk, oml I’m gonna-

Ok. I’ll admit right off the bat that I wouldn’t be posting this any time soon without my lovely beta @baekshoney 🖤 She’s the person I turn to when I think there’s a million little things I could’ve done better, because that’s what I always think. I had to give myself a cut-off date to finally give up editing this 😅 So, I’d really appreciate it if you guys could share your thoughts and opinions on this too. My asks, dms and comments are places where you’re always welcome! Now, let’s get into this!

Tags: @blahblahblah-boo @baeklightsx @wooya1224 @baekklove

Chapter 1. The beginning of the end

It was all too sudden.

The words he’d said deafened you. Refusing to believe what you were hearing, you shook your head and took a step back, as if doing so could start the conversation you’d just had over. Or rewind the time and allow you to prevent the words from coming out of his mouth in the first place. But he was firm, unyielding in his stance.

‘I’m sorry,’ he repeated. ‘It’s my fault. I should’ve known better.’

Than to start this relationship, was what he meant. That he should have avoided getting in a relationship with you altogether, and breaking up with you would’ve never become an issue.

‘Why?’ You tried to speak, but your lower lip started to tremble, silencing you at once.

This was all wrong. It couldn’t have been true, what he was saying.

He licked his lips, looking away, hands forming tight fists at his sides as he tried to recollect himself and urge his body to stay frozen on the spot.

That did not work for long – the sight of you, so small, so stunned and defeated, with tears welling in your eyes while you tried to stifle them… He couldn’t. It was stupid of him to break his act so easily, but you were too precious to him to just leave you like this.

Sighing and cursing himself out in his mind, he took a stride towards you and gathered you tightly in his arms.

‘I am sorry, Y/N,’ he continued softly, hearing you hiccup in his unexpected embrace. ‘But I have to leave. We- I should’ve stayed away from you from the start. Forgive me for being so weak.’

You sobbed at his words, shaking your head stubbornly and clinging to his broad chest as an act of desperation.

‘I can come with you!’

‘No,’ he interrupted your crazy idea. ‘I’m leaving you behind. To keep you safe.’

‘Safe from what?’ You questioned, half-annoyed now.

He kept insisting that he wished to protect you, but how was leaving you all alone ensuring your security? And why would you even consider it, when you only felt safe while with him?

‘I cannot tell you. The more you know, the more dangerous it is.’

‘Baekhyunie, please,’ you wiped the tears and grabbed onto his vest as he moved to pull away. ‘You can’t just decide this on your own!’

‘Y/N,’ he took hold of your wrists, not removing them just yet. ‘I know it’s hard, and I never wanted to hurt you like this. But there’s nothing you can say that’ll change my mind. I’d rather break your heart than risk your life, so it’s not really a choice.’

He looked around as if to make sure you were not being watched, and then leaned in to place a farewell kiss on your temple – his favorite spot. You sniffled, realization of the inevitable setting in.

‘Just let me go, flower,’ his voice lowered to a whisper, and you sobbed at the pet name. ‘You’ll be better off without me, I promise.’

‘No,’ you protested as he freed himself from your grasp, and took a step back. ‘No, Baekhyun, don’t leave,’ you clawed at his forearm, trying to stop him. ‘We can deal with it together, we can think of something! I don’t want to be without you,’ you whimpered sorrowfully.

He shook his head, shying away from your touch, while you desperately tried to hold him back.

But you couldn’t. He gently peeled your hands off to walk away, and you missed the pained crease between his eyebrows when he turned his back on you to escape your apartment.

‘Please, don’t do this…’ You whispered, voice breaking in anguish. Just as your heart was.

Yet, Baekhyun kept walking. Leaving you to weep in the unwelcoming emptiness of your home.

Leaving you for good.

***

Your relationship with Baekhyun started almost three years ago.

Still new to university life, you found yourself in the midst of a soap opera worth of drama when a bunch of transfer students joined all at once, some even in the same year as you. All highly attractive, they usually hung out together and spent less time than needed socializing with the outside world.

Not that you cared too much – sure, the excitement going around was making you curious, but they looked too handsome, almost to the extent that you found it intimidating. Ironically, the most intimidating you found Baekhyun. His then long dark hair with strands of red and a mullet hairstyle, the sharp green eyes, the pierced eyebrow, and the lip ring that made him look like a very attractive hooligan... The piercings turned out to be just as fake as the eye color, which did not disappoint you at all.

Funny enough, you only got to know this bad boy because he took a liking to retreating to the campus library. Hiding from all of the attention, of course. While some members of his clique actually basked in it, he preferred to disappear to the remote aisles of the quiet space and read a book, or, more likely, sleep with one on his chest. You saw him like that often, since you were stuck in there yourself – essays for different classes were piling up rapidly. As a diligent student, you were determined to do well in your first year of university, so dragging yourself to the library to stay glued to your laptop was the best option.

Coincidentally, you also preferred to stay in the less lively spaces, as you tended to seek peace and quiet to focus on your assignments. Your attention span… wasn’t impressive, to say the least, so you did your best to avoid any distractions. However, you didn’t count on a certain sleep lover to be one of them.

It was not the first day you spent close enough to notice the tranquil expression he wore on his face as he was snoozing. It was, however, the first time he caught you staring mindlessly in his direction. Burning the deepest shade of red in your cheeks, you grabbed your books and quickly made yourself scarce, thanking heavens for the multiple aisles of books around. You walked around for ten minutes or so, actually placing your books back where they belonged and finding a secluded corner to check out what else was on the shelves. Squinting, you tried to read the name of the tome that had gotten your attention, and raised your arm to get it from the level that was clearly too high for you. Thankfully, someone reached over your head and helped you obtain the book. You turned around to say thank you but instead were suddenly pushed back into the shelf by the taller figure with neat red strands. Speechless, you only held your book close and gaped at him, as he leaned forward.

‘Ever heard about the cat killed by curiosity?’ He hummed, eyes piercing you from above.

You swallowed, knees getting weaker as you registered the fresh musky smell coming off of his brightly colored shirt.

To push your buttons, he decided to get even more scandalously close to you, arm holding onto the rack behind you to keep balance.

‘Nothing wrong with being curious!’ You jabbered. ‘In fact, if people preserved the curiosity they have as kids they would’ve had a much bigger learning capacity as adults.’

He huffed. You weren’t sure if he was shocked or amused, because your eyes looked anywhere but his face. In fact, they lowered enough to fix on your forearm, resting across his rib cage, and your fist pressing slightly into his pec to keep him at least at a minimal distance.

At this you gasped, eyes widening and returning to his face, only to catch an inquisitive spark in his retinas as he nudged the lip ring with his tongue. Sighing, he took a step back, finally allowing some space between you.

‘Can’t write a philosophy essay with this, little flower,’ he chuckled. ‘Or if you can… I’d be impressed.’

You looked down in confusion, understanding that the book you were holding was from a Botanics section. ‘The Oxford Book of Wild Flowers’, read the title.

But… How did he know about your philosophy assignment?

***

Only later had Baekhyun confessed that he had had an eye on you for a while by the time this incident took place, but the moment of your outburst was what got to him. When he looked down at your cornered form, holding a book to your chest so innocently, and keeping him away instinctively with one arm. He had to bite his tongue to prevent a smile from making its way onto his face. That was it for him, and even though he wanted to avoid you and keep interactions with you to an absolute minimum, he couldn’t help but find ways to draw your attention. Like that one time, when you walked out of the library because the loud noises from the outside made your concentration for the night crumble.

The source of that noise was, in fact, a certain convertible, blasting the music for the entire campus to hear. You would have come up to complain that your studying was cut short if you didn’t have perfect eyesight. It allowed you to see that there was a red-haired problem sat in the car, with a bare foot resting lazily against the panel. Ready to run the other way, you turned around, meeting a solid chest with your forehead. You discovered that it was a rather cheerful guy in the same year as you, Jongin, and the other one with him was Sehun. And those two stalled you long enough for Baekhyun to make an entrance.

It was the first time he tried asking you out. And got rejected.

However, as much as you wanted to take ownership of that and say that you were playing hard to get when you walked off and left him stunned by your refusal, that was not the case. This guy made your throat go dry at the mere sight of him! He was way too handsome, and he also looked kind of… well, he looked like he’d break your heart without thinking twice about it. And that you couldn’t allow.

But then again, good girls do tend to fall for bad boys. Or was he only pretending to be bad? You’d never heard anything that discredited him, except for the way he stared people down sometimes. That once happened to a fellow student in your class. After he sat next to you during lunch.

Actually, almost the entire week following that incident you had lunch alone because everyone kept making excuses to sit elsewhere. That was how you became friends with Jongin and Sehun. Having had a few classes together, you were more or less acquainted with each other, so you didn’t mind when Jongin suddenly appeared out of nowhere with a tray and asked you if they could join. He even had lunch with you when Sehun wasn’t around – you figured that it made Jongin even more chatty. So much so, that one day he leaned across the table to get slightly closer, and used his most clandestine voice on you.

‘You know, hyung could burn a hole in anyone next to you with his glare, but I’m immune to his ‘charms’, thankfully,’ he giggled and added, ‘Still, I think you should give him a chance. Baekhyun’s a good guy, and he’s kinda torn as it is. Asking you out was a pretty big step for him.’

Honestly, you had a hard time believing that. Baekhyun… was probably the kind of guy, who never even had to ask. You could look around and easily spot a dozen eyes that were fixed on him at this very moment. Why in the world would he want to date you, clearly not the ‘easy-going’ party type? He probably wanted to get into your pants just for sport, like the rest of the pretty boys.

‘Whatever you’re thinking, it’s far from the truth. Ugh, Junmyeon will kill me for this!’ Jongin cursed himself and continued, before you could ask. ‘Hyung looks rough around the edges, but he’s really a softie. Trust me on this.’

‘Are you his wingman or something?’ You snorted dubiously, getting a little timid from this discussion.

‘Ha, are you kidding? He’s gonna strangle me if he finds out. Like I said, he’s torn between staying away from you and persisting in his efforts to take you out. Just think about it,’ he ended with an attempted (but failed) wink.

As if to take away your chance to process the unexpected input, Jongin shoved Baekhyun in your direction the very next day. Disappearing from the cafeteria right after, of course. Envy his subtlety. But, apparently, what he said earlier had an effect, so you only nodded when a flustered figure asked for permission to sit with you. He looked quite different from the previous times you saw him up close – much less confident and intimidating. But he seemed sincere when he said he just wanted one chance.

And that was how your relationship picked up. It took a whirlwind course from the very beginning, and the hot summer before your second year of university was the most torturous time ever for the both of you. Still wary of getting played, you only trusted Baekhyun enough to get intimately close months and months into dating. And he was patient with you, going at a slow pace, letting you pull away whenever you wanted. Until you didn’t want to anymore.

That last leap of faith was a beginning in itself – a true beginning of you and Baekhyun. The final seal was broken, and you entrusted yourself fully to him, which he repaid by showering you in his affection and feelings that he himself had not come to acknowledge just then.

After a year together, you were not simply allowed into the inner circle, but also educated about the special abilities that Baekhyun and his friends had. You were first interrogated by their leader, Junmyeon, who wanted to make sure you had no ulterior motives and were not going to tell a living soul about them. He called it ‘a quick chat’ as he dragged you in a scarcely furnished room where he sat you down at the small metal table across from him. The leader asked you questions and tried reading your verbal and non-verbal cues, so it was clearly an interrogation. Junmyeon was pretty experienced in this, so he could instantly tell that you were harmless. And you also passed the test, answering the most ridiculous questions about Baekhyun – apparently, that was to make sure you were not ‘faking it’ – so, he accepted you into their family.

However, knowing too much was dangerous, so you only learned about their powers and how they came from the so-called EXO Planet when they were young (talk about dating an alien!), and that the organization they called ‘the Red’ amongst themselves wanted to hunt them down. They also used to be held hostage by these people – and that was just about as much you knew about the issue because Baekhyun kept you away from the ‘unnecessary details’. He only told you that they seemed to be hidden well in this town, surrounded by just enough people to blend in and disappear. And you worried, always, because you knew too little about the dangers surrounding the group, and even less about how you could contribute to their safety.

Baekhyun laughed when you once brought it up, finding your concern nothing but cute.

‘You don’t have to worry about it, flower. It’s my job to make sure you’re safe, not the other way around,’ he then said, playing with the curly ends of your hair.

You frowned at that. Why was it not your job to take care of him? If you could help, you wanted to help. But he always brushed you off, saying that the only thing you should do to help is staying out of trouble. Like that was a challenge – you either studied or hung out with him and his friends, not much room to stir trouble. The only other person you talked to regularly was your roommate, and she was also pretty harmless.

As time went by, you got closer to your own graduation, basically, one year left before you had to figure it out for yourself again. Your boyfriend was always supportive, but you couldn’t help but wonder how he imagined your future. He was always up to something but never shared it with you since it was ‘nothing for you to worry about’. Had he not shown you his actual abilities before, you would’ve certainly thought that it was a crazy lie he told you to cover up for some kind of illegal activity. In reality, some illegal activities were going on, especially since hacking and cracking was one of Minseok’s specialties (but mostly because they needed to keep their identities out of sight). Another reason why they didn’t all go to the same school when they arrived, and also why they changed their appearance ever so often. The lucky mullet was long gone by the time you had your first Christmas together, and you had had the pleasure of seeing him in multiple hair colors throughout almost three years of your relationship. Notably, the first dozen or so make-out sessions you had with him took place when he had just cut his hair and dyed it pitch black. And he still wore his fake lip ring at the time, which was an experience in itself. He did know how to use his mouth…

Admittedly, you were kind of used to being the object of the boys’ shameless teasing every time you hung out together. The way Baekhyun kept you close and fussed about everything was, apparently, atypical for their usually chill and humorous hyung. He was their second-in-command, after all, the genius behind the strategic planning of the group, and the mind that kept them hidden for so long in one place.

Because of you.

One of the boys had previously let it slip that they hadn’t lived anywhere for that long before, maybe not even for one full year. But this time Baekhyun was determined to stay for a while, now that he had an anchor.

But the day came. When he found out that they might’ve been compromised, he got scared. The way he’d never feared anything before. And he’d been through a lot, to put it mildly. Baekhyun could maintain a cold and sharp mind at all times, that was his thing, but not when it came to you. Once he figured out that there was a real chance, that they could’ve found the EXO hideout and, thus, could connect you to the boys, he couldn’t think straight. Overwhelmed by a sudden panic, he sought advice from the leader.

‘You know it’s not me who’s supposed to decide,’ Junmyeon sighed, looking at his disheveled second. ‘I told you a relationship wasn’t a good idea. I also think that keeping her close means putting her life in jeopardy.’

His words were cutting through Baekhyun as he paced the room, long fingers grasping his own hair.

‘But it still may be a safer option than leaving her here,’ the leader added, pinching the bridge of his nose. ‘We need to relocate fast, and you have the ‘better of two evils’ situation on your hands.’

‘I know I should leave her,’ Baekhyun stopped in his tracks, turning his head to the leader. ‘But what if they already know, hyung?’

‘Minseok had every trace of her erased, not a single camera in town had a glimpse of her with you. They might have found our footprints in the sand, but those don’t necessarily lead to her. I suppose they should move on as soon as they come here and realize that we’re nowhere around.’

‘Most likely, but what if-’

‘They can very well catch up to us while we run. Like I said, there isn’t a right answer, but a choice. And I think that you’ve already made it when you should give her a voice, too,’ the leader pushed.

‘I-’ Baekhyun turned away to hide the glassy eyes from Junmyeon. ‘I have to give her a chance, hyung. I cannot sentence her to a lifetime of running and danger. And I know she’s silly enough to throw herself into it if she has a say in this.’

‘And if you’re wrong? You’re going to break her heart as a precaution?’

‘She won’t die from a broken heart. Can you imagine what they’d do to her if they find out?’

Junmyeon bit his lip. This time, the choice was completely out of his hands. He thought his second was making a mistake, but it was not his place to decide. Exhaling again, he nodded.

‘Tell her in the morning. We’re moving out as soon as the rain starts.’

>> Chapter 2

A/N: So, what do you think? This is more of an introductory chapter, I know, but it covers quite a lot of their relationship with Baek. You must be excited to see where this goes and when Baёk appears? Or if Baekhyun is coming back? Me too, me too 🙈

#baekhyun smut #baekhyun x reader #baekhyun x you #baekhyun #exowritersnet #icequeenbae fics #x exo #Desert Flower #2baek #baekbaёk #exo fanfiction #baekhyun fanfic

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gallifrey1sburning · 3 years

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How not to comment on fanfiction

Alright y’all, buckle in, because I am in a mood about a comment I just woke up to in my fandom email.

I was going to quote, but I didn’t want anyone to go find or respond to this person, so I decided to synopsize. It starts like this:

Hi! I haven’t read this yet, but I want to share some thoughts on your summary because I’m nitpicky like that.

Friends, this is not a good start.

What’s even less good is that it goes on for FIVE PARAGRAPHS about what this person thinks is wrong with the summary of my work. Someone spent the time to write a literal essay that is at least 2-3x longer than the summary it is about just so that they could tell me that they don’t like how I wrote it. I can’t tell you exactly what it said, because I stopped reading as soon as I realized what was happening.

I don’t know if this person writes fic. I’m going to guess not, because I would like to think that anyone who knows how much time and effort and care goes into writing fanfiction (or anything, really), and how much nervousness and imposter syndrome an author might have to fight through to be brave enough to post it, would realize that this is not an okay way to interact.

Usually, checking my fandom email is a highlight of my day. I love seeing the kudos roundups and knowing that people have enjoyed something I’ve created. I love getting comments, even if they’re just a sentence saying “aww I liked this!” because it means something I wrote made someone happy enough that they took the time to tell me so. Long comments? They’re like a free shot of serotonin.

Long comments full of criticism? Those are a kick in the face. Always. And I’ve gotten some doozies—I had one where someone ripped one of my fics to shreds, complained about every tag, told me they hated my characterizations, and then told me I shouldn’t write about anxiety because I obviously haven’t experienced it. (For the record, I’ve been on and off every depression, anxiety, and mood stabilizing medication under the sun for more than half my life. I have been hospitalized for mental health issues. Don’t say shit like this to people you don’t know.) But a long comment full of criticism from someone who hasn’t even read the thing they’re commenting on? I don’t even have words.

...Well, I do; that’s why I’m here writing an irritated rant about it.

I am sharing this because I’m mad. But I am also sharing this because I think sometimes readers don’t think about the fact that there are actual human beings writing the things they read and waking up to comments tearing them down. These comments? The shitty ones with ridiculous criticisms that I am completely aware are ridiculous? They still haunt me. When I’m deep in the the throes of that anxiety that I supposedly don’t have, reliving every time I might have embarrassed myself or upset someone or been less than perfect, these strangers’ words sneak in and tell me “You’re not good enough. People hate what you do. Why do you even bother?”

Is it rational? No. But it’s how my brain works, because my brain is an asshole, and from what I’ve gleaned over my 30+ years of life, this is common. I am not an exception or an outlier. Most of the people I’ve talked to about this frustrating phenomenon say that their brains do the same thing.

It’s been said before, but it bears repeating. Fan works are created by actual people who are pouring their time and efforts into creating something, for free, because it means something to them and they want to share it with other people that it might mean something to as well. It can be an extraordinarily nerve wracking thing to do. And shit like this? It can make people stop writing altogether. Because why spend dozens of hours outlining and brainstorming and researching and writing and editing, just to have someone show up and say “here’s what I think you did wrong”? My first Harry Potter fic is a WIP that will probably never be done, because it got a few mean comments on the first couple chapters I posted and I just... couldn’t bring myself to write the rest of it.

So yeah. I don’t really know how to wrap this up, so I’m just going to reiterate the many posts on fandom etiquette that already exist: Please don’t be shitty. If no one asked for your criticism (“constructive” or otherwise), don’t give it. If you don’t like something, don’t read it. The back button exists for a reason.

#fandom discourse #I’m having a bad morning #please send cake #after writing this I went and deleted their comment so that I wouldn’t read it later to punish myself for perceived slights

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saintqueer · 3 years

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On Being 13

by saintqueer

Date Written: July 2019

CW: brief mention of an eating disorder

I will be posting a series of old creative nonfiction essays I wrote in 2019-20 every Friday and tagging them #a saintqueer original. Some might be a little outdated but I'm getting my feet wet in the experience of sharing my own writing again. Hope you enjoy! My inbox is always open.

Your name is Jordan. It is 2006 and you just turned 13. You are officially a teenager. Not a preteen. Nor god-forbid a tween. You’re in eighth grade at middle school in the Bay Area suburbs and you just got your first cell phone. It’s a silver LG flip phone without a camera. Modern social media has been born but is not yet widespread. Myspace and AIM are still the name of the game. And your friend’s Top 8s are literally worth crying over. You buy songs you like on iTunes for 99 cents. Songs like Far Away by Nickelback and Jesus, Take the Wheel by Carrie Underwood. That is, until you wizen up and start using LimeWire in 2007. By that time, you’ll think your tastes much improved. You’ll illegally download songs like Buy U a Drank by T-Pain, Wait For You by Elliott Yamin, and everything Chris Brown puts out. Every single feeling you have is so large it’s like it has the potential to kill you. Weird shit is happening to your body. You started puberty early but it shows absolutely no sign of stopping. Things just seem to be getting weirder and more emotional. You cut your own side bangs and they look hella cool.

Ok, let’s pause there. I’m gonna go ahead and break the fourth wall here. Reader, I was planning on doing this entire piece as a kind of immersive second person experience. But. I. Just. Can’t. It’s too hard and writing about being 13 is difficult enough. I think that intro was enough to get you in the right head space of Jordan circa 2006-2007.

Over the last year, there has been more truthful explorations of the adolescent experience in media than ever before. With shows like Pen15 and Big Mouth and films like Eighth Grade, I feel like for the first time I’m starting to come to terms with my own adolescence. Being 13 is really fucking hard. And 13-year-olds get such a bad rap when, honestly, they’re just trying to do the best they can with all the shit they’ve been thrown.

I first felt compelled to write this piece when reading a section of a book from my favorite podcaster, Karen Kilgariff. Karen describes a lecture series she went to in which one of the presenters made a case in defense of 13 year olds. Karen writes that being 13 “is the hardest age you ever have to be because of all the chemicals and hormones constantly raging through your body. It’s like you’re being drugged and then woken up with speed on a daily basis. All social structure implodes and resets itself in a totally unfamiliar way. You’re simultaneously the oldest version of a child and the youngest version of an adult, so you don’t belong anywhere. You don’t get babied, and you don’t get respect.” Basically, it fucking sucks!!!

At 13, my eating disorder was already in full swing and my body-dysmorphia-riddled brain had no shortage of reasons for why my life would be so much better if I weighed 25 pounds less. They would weigh us in gym class, one by one, and assign us our BMI classification (mine was “overweight”). I was constantly dieting, with resounding approval from family and peers; starving my growing body of whole food groups and then binging. My school used to sell these pizza hot pocket things in plastic wrapping called pizza sticks (they were so DELICIOUS). One time, I found an unopened and still-warm pizza stick on the floor next to a garbage can. Wildly hungry from my meager carb-less lunch I picked it up off the floor and shoved it into my mouth, facing the wall, in as few bites as possible so no one would see. OFF THE FLOOR…OUTSIDE. I think it was on a pile of leaves and other trash (though unopened, it was slightly flattened on one side so it might have been stepped on?). This is actually the first time I’ve told anyone that I did that. Blogging is fun.

I was truly beginning to understand that my body was a commodity in society. I couldn’t take up space as a girl and to be beautiful was to be frail. My body was a sexual thing but I was not allowed to be a sexual being. Boys were the horny ones, not girls. But boy, was I! The thing was I couldn’t tell anyone, only the bathtub faucet could know. This was heightened all the more by my church and my faith. Youth group taught me the importance of dressing modestly and how we had to do everything within our power to help easily tempted boys remain sexually pure. I had so much shame that I had any kind of sexuality at all.

A majority of us wanted to fit in when we were 13. And I wanted it desperately. It’s not necessarily that I wanted to be cool, it’s more like I just wanted to belong. I wanted to have best friends. I wanted boys to have crushes on me. I wanted to be wanted. And it never happened for me. I didn’t develop deep lasting friendships until my late teens. I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 21, for god’s sake. My friends at 13 were changeable and excluding. I felt like I was constantly vying for their approval and as I entered high school in 2007, my social life became the center of my world.

Admittedly, high school felt much more enjoyable than middle school. I had established my place in the cool crowd and shirked academics. I stopped listening to Christian Rock and started listening to Lil Wayne and learning how to twerk. I cut class with a friend to straighten my hair with my hot pink straightener in Starbucks. I got in trouble with the cops for underage drinking. I got better at actually starving myself for a few days at a time instead of just dieting. I was significantly better at swearing. However, every single thing still felt like the biggest deal ever and it felt like it would always be that way.

Now, over a dozen years later, I hardly ever think about how it felt to be 13. I always forget that I “fell in love” with a boy named Alex at church summer camp who I saw from afar five times and talked to once for two minutes. It’s hard to believe now that I wrote his name in sharpie on my converse sneakers and sang I Drive Myself Crazy by *Nsync while crying and staring directly back at myself in the mirror.

This might seem unforgiving but I feel like the one redeemable thing about being 13 is that it doesn’t last forever. It ends. You grow and you change and you work through your trauma. If you’re lucky, you get better friends and you go to therapy and do some healing over ten years later by watching tv shows and movies that remind you of every painful feeling. Then you look back and laugh. You laugh at that school dance where Peter said he’d never, ever slow dance with you. You laugh at the school dance less than a year later where you grind provocatively on a dude you don’t know to Get Low by Lil Jon and the Ying Yang Twins. You laugh (hysterically, I might add) at eating that pizza stick off the floor. You laugh at smoking weed for the first time using a plastic water bottle your friend somehow turned into a shitty bong. You laugh at shoplifting your first thong from Ross. You laugh at your self-cut side bangs. You laugh and you laugh and you laugh and then you, finally, move on.

#a saintqueer original #creative nonfiction series #honestly this kind of made me cackle out loud reading for the first time in two years #especially that pizza hot pocket story hahahaha im losing it lol #i remember this was very fun to write two summers ago #i was dating a girl for the first time and just having a wild summer and it was so nice to look back and reflect on my adolescence #with humor rather than cringing #anyways hope y'all get a giggle out of this #eating disorders tw

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yotd2009 · 3 years

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i am curious, as someone who’s only exposure to arthurania was reading jane yolen’s young merlin as a child, would you mind saying why hnoc is a bad adaptation? i’m super curious but no worries if not <3

this has been sitting in my inbox for months bc i kept telling myself i needed to write a full essay with proof from medieval lit to make myself feel smarter. however, since i’ve recently lost all credibility bc i can’t articulate points to save my life, and since i’ve realized that i could answer this in a just a couple paragraphs, now seems like the right time to answer this ask. sorry for the wait.

under a cut bc length

also warnings for mentions of racism bc this is hnoc we're talking abt and sexual assault bc this is med lit we're also talking abt

the basic problems are pendragon polycule itself, the story beats of the album, the fridging and lack of characterization of morgan le fay, the clear influence of pop culture arthuriana, and whatever the fuck happened with gawain/e.

pendragon polycule is... just not a good take. there’s a bit in the lancelot-grail abt arthur viewing lancelot like a son (and lancelot not giving a shit abt him). also arthur knew his parents for years before lancelot was even born. plus lancelot just Doesn’t care abt him and i can’t stress this part enough. arthur repeatedly tries to have guinnevere killed, mostly in the lancelot-grail, and guinn didn’t really have any say in marrying him bc she was a teenager. lancelot and guinnevere is a lot better but that’s not saying much. guinn doesn’t exactly treat lancelot too well... like at all, BUT it’s not intrinsic to their relationship and is completely caused by medieval misogyny and i’m all in favor of modern retellings saying fuck that. but also lancelot has multiple pseudo-canon boyfriends (this is med lit after all), and one pseudo-canon husband so like... there were better options. (also lancelot’s husband is basically in a lavender marriage with guinnevere’s maybe girlfriend who most authors just eventually forget abt as the story progresses).

this next one is a problem with a lot of modern arthurian works bc the inclusion of elayne of astolat is too much to ask apparently. the grail quest isn’t tied to the fall of camelot, it just happens to be one of the last grand adventures the knights of the round table have. the event that traditionally sets off the fall is the death of the maiden of astolat/the lady of shalott/elayne of escolat/she has a lot of names, her story has a few variations but usually she either is cursed to stay in a tower and weave and only be able to see the outside world through a mirror positioned across from her window, until lancelot rides by and she rushes to see him out of the actual window and her mirror shatters, setting off her death, or she lives with her father and brothers and takes care of lancelot bc he was injured for a time and she gets to go on adventures to find him and she’s friends with gawaine and she dies bc lancelot rejects her and this version’s a lot more fun but also more happens which makes it harder to explain. the way her story ends however, is that she dies after she makes arrangements for a glorious boat to drift from astolat to camelot carrying nothing but her dead body and a letter explaining that she died of love for lancelot du lac and the court mourns the death of such a beautiful and young maiden (her age varies a lot but i’ve always read her as a young teenager at most). but the important thing is, camelot is doomed from the moment she washes up on its shore bc she’s an omen of the end and has symbolic meaning and all that, the maiden of astolat washes up on camelot’s shores, the court mourns the loss of a maiden in her prime and she marks the end of camelot’s prime as well, morgan le fay reappears after being presumed dead and warns arthur of guinnevere and lancelot’s affair, aggravaine and modred conspire to bring lancelot and guinnevere’s affair to light, they succeed but lancelot escapes, guinnevere is to be burnt at the stake and lancelot rescues her, killing aggravaine, gaheris and gareth (gawaine’s brothers) in the process, gawaine drags his uncle and camelot to war bc he was driven mad due to the loss of his brothers, lancelot accidentally kills gawaine, his best friend and maybe boyfriend (i have RECEIPTS), and gawaine forgives him on his detahbed while lancelot and guinn rejoin arthur, meanwhile modred, who practically had the throne handed to him, usurps and invites the saxons in, camlann happens, and camelot is destroyed. no where in there is the grail quest.

morgan le fay is honestly the most questionable part of the album bc there’s not a single text where she dies. like.... at least with eurydice in udad she died in the original... there’s no basis for morgan dying. also she is NOT modred’s mother and anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar, she interacts with him once in the vulgate bc she had three of her nephews over and that’s IT. it’s a horrible take which originated in the mists of avalon by marion zimmer bradley who is an honest to god monster for reasons i don’t want to trigger tag this post for. also she’s one of the most dynamic and thought-out characters in the entire canon and they just made her a watered down morgause (modred’s actual mother, morgan’s sister, canonical milf)... there was no reason for it to be her apart from the fact that she’s more well known......

pop culture arthuriana is,,, one of my least favorite things. no, morgan wasn’t modred’s mother, no, morgause wasn’t abusive but her husband sure was implied to be, no, aggravaine didn’t kill his mother, that was gaheris, he loved his mother, you’re only saying that bc he has a reputation as the “evil” orkney, no, the once and future king is not a good descriptor for arthur, stop making me read it, no, morgause wasn’t the one to initiate the thing with arthur resulting in modred, no, lancelot and arthur weren’t friends, no, tristan wasn’t a self-centered asshole, tennyson is a fucking liar, no, galahad didn’t have sex or want to, he’s one of the first ever explicitly asexual characters out there, no, galahad’s conception was NOT consensual, lancelot was tricked, and no, elayne of astolat wasn’t galahad’s mother, she’s implied to be younger than him. those are just the big glaring ones, but i swear it’s bc of arthuriana’s reputation as a mythology and the connotations belonging to that word (no one true canon (which is true but there are still things that just AREN’T canon, not completely written down, passed by oral tradition) that causes ppl to see mediocre modern texts and go “oh. well this is abt as close to the original as i’m going to get” and don’t bother to look into so much as malory (who i only name bc he’s one of the most well known medieval authors with the most commonly used storylines, don’t read malory kids, he’s a mediocre-at-best writer even by medieval standards). the big perpetrators of modern arthurian tropes are the books the once and future king by th wh*te, who is a shitty person and lets it bleed into his writing (which isn’t like... nice to read or anything, seriously why do ppl love this book so much it doesn’t have redeeming qualities), and the mists of avalon by marion zimmer bradley (it’s poorly written, the story is a mess, and mzb is honestly a monster and one google search will tell you that), and unfortunately the writings of tennyson, which are mostly good but he clearly didn’t read the povest (a later text that’s also my favorite, known for significantly improving ppl’s opinions on tristan, isolde and co.) before deciding he hated both tristan and isolde and he has HORRIBLE takes on them. high noon over camelot is SEEPED in pop culture arthuriana and i think it would have been so much better if the band had read so much as a SUMMARY of the events of le morte. it’s evident in the song “the once and future king” bc it’s,,,, literally named after one of the worst books in existence. it’s shown in the morgan le fay thing, and it’s shown in the pendragon polycule thing. and hell, i think you can even explain away the lack of elayne of astolat with pop culture arthuriana, bc ppl have had bad takes on her ever since th wh*te combined her character with that of ela*ne of corbenic, and the band probably went “huh, let’s write lancelot’s abuser out of this” and they would’ve been right to do so if that’s who elayne of astolat was.

the final big issue is gawaine, the closest thing the genre has to a protagonist, he’s pretty much canon bi and, in some texts, arospec, he’s a dashing knight of great reknown and he derails every romance to steal hearts, commit murder, and make out with every knight and lady mentioned. and in hnoc he’s... racist. that’s it. it’s,,, almost completely unfounded by the arthurian canon and shows a major misunderstanding of his motivations (like i said earlier, he wants to avenge his brothers bc there’s a reoccuring motif of how much the orkneys value family). i say almost bc in one text it’s his motivations for killing palomydes but i’ve never heard it mentioned by name bc that’s just what it’s known for. most arthuriana fans just look away from it except when critiquing hnoc but that one text is an outlier, shouldn’t be counted, and i highly doubt the mechs made hnoc gawain how he is bc they found this text. it’s just a bad text.

hnoc has,,, quite a few more minor issues, such as villainized ladies of the lake (their ONLY crimes were sealing away merlin bc he tried to assault teenage nimue/ninniane (proto-nimue/vivianne from the vulgate), and that one time vivviane/ninniane kidnapped adopted baby lancelot), assigning brain to merlin (y’know,,, the predator who helped arrange the [redacted] of arthur’s mother and tried to assault a teenager,,,) although merlin is portrayed in a positive light throughout modern arthuriana so i don’t think they knew, giving a song to pellinore, who my perception of has been forever altered bc i was introduced to him through malory and the explanation of torre’s conception, which you can just look up “sir torre arthurian” to find out abt if you can’t just Guess, if they wanted a song abt the questing beast palomydes was Right There AND has been associated with the questing beast for longer, but once again i don’t think they knew.

also namedropping a bunch of knights in the fiction is... it Suggests a bigger world full of all these other stories but they just don’t work bc the world of hnoc wasn’t designed in a way where the appearance of half these characters would make sense. like,, tristan is referenced as dying in the grail quest in the same sentence as bedevere (one of the characters who is known for almost always surviving), but tristan Isn’t one of the knights who dies on the grail quest, his possible deaths (ignoring the potentially happy ending of the povest for a second) are either being murdered by his uncle, king mark (bc mark married tristan’s gf to try and get tristan killed and also to spite him), bc he was driven into a fury bc of tristan and isolde’s affair, or he’s injured and only isolde (the best healer in the world) can save him so he sends for her and if the ship he sent for her is supposed to fly white sails if she’s there, or black sails if she’s not, and the ship flies white sails but his wife (also named isolde) says it’s black sails (the why depends but usually comes down to jealousy), and so he gives up bc he thinks all hope is lost and usually succumbs to his injuries, either way isolde dies of a broken heart over his body. there’s no way for the tristan and isolde story to play out like it’s supposed to in the world of hnoc, just as there’s no way for any story with gawaine (and Oh Boy are there a lot of stories with gawaine) or pretty much anyone else, without severely altering the canon.

of course, there are still parts of hnoc i like a lot, most of the music i adore and i just like the idea of space cowboys and the secret good hnoc that lives in my head. and it has one of my favorite characterizations of galahad, even though galahad hnoc is nothing like galahad arthuriana. it’s not GOOD but i like it and it’s fun to turn my brain off too, and i’ll always value it as my introduction to arthuriana.

also there are modern arthurian tropes i do like such as characters being genre-savvy/knowing they’re fictional/knowing they’ve done this before (which hnoc does wonderfully!) and bedevere-as-the-storyteller (everyone say thank you lord tennyson).

WOW that was longer than expected, i feel very passionately abt this, when i was planning to write a fully sourced essay i meant to include a bit at the bottom with recommendations to get into better arthuriana and i think i’ll keep that in this post.

if you like hnoc for the arthurian music i’d like to suggest heather dale’s arthurian music to you, she does occasionally fall into the trap of modern arthuriana (some parts of lancelot and arthur being close, morgan as modred’s mother), sometimes she’s just wrong (galahad at lancelot’s trial, a lot of tristan and isolde), and her stuff is kinda straightwashed sometimes (sir gawain and the green knight, for example) but i’d be lying if it wasn’t catchy, and it’s not quite as bad as hnoc adaptation-wise. culwch and olwen is pretty accurate (albeit abridged bc culwch and olwen has SO many tangents), as is lily maid (it’s abt elayne of astolat!).

if you liked hnoc for king arthur... in space! then may i recommend to you my own fanfic? it's not posted yet but the second i finish writing the first chapter i'm going to make a Big Deal out of it that'll be impossible to miss!

if you want to learn abt arthuriana through tumblr-osmosis like i did at first, i’d like to recommend the love of my life @acegalahads, first and foremost (it’s me on a sideblog i’m just obsessed with myself), and i can’t recommend my arthuriana mutuals over there, @/gringolet, @/merlinenthusiast, @/jcbookworm, @/elayneofshalott, and @/elaineofascolat (the elayne urls have been popular recently), also i know for a fact that my mutual-in-law, @/itonje makes great arthuriana posts that i look forwards to whenever i open the tag.

here are a few good reference posts, a quick guide to the characters, a guide to characters of color, and a much more comprehensive intro to arthuriana post with even more texts linked to it.

if you want to ease into med lit, i’d like to introduce you to pre-raphaelite poetry, alfred lord tennyson and william morris are my favorites, although tennyson can’t be trusted with tristan and isolde. the poem the lady of shalott is basically a rite of passage for arthuriana fans, although when it comes to tennyson’s writings abt elayne of astolat, i prefer lancelot and elaine, which is part of his much larger story, idylls of the king. for morris, don’t trust what he says abt aggravaine killing his mother, but my favorites of his are sir galahad, a christmas mystery, which sounds like a shitty disney sequel, and palomyde’s quest, which i blame for my love of palomydes (that and the one bit of the povest where he asks tristan to be his greatest enemy and that he wants nothing more, gay ppl,,,,).

if you want to read abt lancelot and his husband, there’s the lancelot-grail cycle, which i believe was taken off of archive dot org and i think i found it on @/tobeisexhausting’s blog but don’t quote me on that.

the povest, which was a religious experience for me and i can’t reccomend enough if you want to like tristan and isolde, is here, i don’t know who scanned it but i think i found it on @/lanzelet’s blog

the dutch texts are just good in general, here’s a link to their section of a(n unfinished) site for hosting various texts by my former mutual @/reynier (who’s no longer on tumblr). i’d like to recommend lancelot and the white hart specifically bc it’s mainly just just gawaine being gay for lancelot.

if you want older works, here’s my scan of the history of the kings of britain, and here’s culwch and olwen and pa gur.

oh wow this is even longer than i thought it would be so i’m going to wrap this up by saying that i always love to talk abt arthuriana more than anything if you have any questions or just are curious!

#med lit on main #asks #hnoc #the mechs #romeo.txt

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adenei · 3 years

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Bad Blood

Written for The House Cup Competition - Standard. For this challenge, we were given a list of pairings to choose from and write a story. This is very much out of the wheelhouse of anything I write, so I wasn't going to post it here, but I figure I haven't posted anything lately, and y'all have been leaving my prompt/ask box empty so...

This is a [negative pairing] story about Remus Lupin and Marlene McKinnon. It was so hard to write Remus negatively because I love him. There's not much I know about Marlene, so it was kind of fun to play around with her character! There's a wee bit of Jily thrown into the mix, so I hope y'all give this a chance! It's quite angsty, but I enjoyed writing the Marauders era!

Bad Blood

“Hey, Remus,” Marlene McKinnon called from the other end of the corridor.

Remus cringed as he pretended not to hear her. His feet kept moving swiftly as he made his way to the library where he was supposed to tutor some younger Gryffindors before dinner. Unfortunately, Marlene didn’t give up and leave him alone.

“Didn’t you hear me calling?” Marlene asked as she sidled up next to him.

“Oh, hi Marlene. I didn’t, no,” he said curtly.

“Are you headed to the library?” she asked. Merlin, couldn’t she take a hint?

“Yes, I’m due to tutor a group of third years, and I’m running late. So if you don’t—”

“I’m heading there, too!” Marlene said quickly, cutting him off. “We can walk together,” she said with a sweet smile.

“Er…”

Remus always had a hard time saying no. He was the voice of reason with his inner circle of friends, always trying to see the good in people. With Marlene, though, she was getting to be a bit much.

Dismissing his hesitation, Marlene pushed on with her chatty nature. “So, are you going to Hogsmeade this weekend?”

“Haven’t decided,” Remus responded shortly.

It wasn’t exactly a lie, since he technically hadn’t. Sirius had his own date with a fellow seventh year Ravenclaw he’d been seeing recently, and Peter was serving detention because he broke a set of glass vials in Potions today. Slughorn was furious. James was trying to convince Remus to join him and Lily, but he had his reservations and didn’t want to be a third wheel.

“Oh, well, I’m free if you want to go together?” Marlene asked while she fluttered her eyelashes up at him.

Remus tried not to outwardly cringe, though he felt his insides shrivel in annoyance. This had to stop. This was the fifth time she’d approached him about going to Hogsmeade together. Apparently, politeness wasn’t going to work anymore. They reached the doors of the library and Remus stopped and turned to Marlene.

“I appreciate your tenacity, but in tandem with the other four times you’ve asked me this year, it’s a no. I’m not interested.”

Remus turned quickly so he didn’t have to see the hurt look on her face. He wasn’t Sirius. He couldn’t just turn someone down and not feel anything. So he chose the cowardly way out, as he quickly opened the door to the library. Marlene was left standing speechless outside the doors.

****

“The nerve of him!” Marlene complained to Lily.

“What did Sirius do this time?” Lily asked with an eye roll.

Marlene laughed derisively, “Not Sirius, Remus! You’re awful at paying attention to things ever since you let James into your life.”

“Remus would never hurt a fly—” Lily started to say.

“Ha! That’s what he wants you to think! But you weren’t there. Nooo! You didn’t witness the way he treated me outside the library!”

“Mar, I’m sure it’s nothing,” Lily defended, in an attempt to keep the peace between her friends and James’.

“It most certainly is not nothing! What have I done? I didn’t even specify that I wanted it to be a date! What is wrong with him that he won’t let anyone else in besides James, Sirius and Peter? Is he hiding some dark secret or something?”

Lily shoved her nose closer to the parchment as she wrote her essay, hoping that Marlene wouldn’t catch the slight blush on her face. She’d only just learned about Remus’ condition, and had sworn to James she wouldn’t tell a soul.

“Maybe he’s just introverted,” Lily offered, hoping to take Marlene off the scent.

“Well, he doesn’t have to be a jerk about it!” Marlene complained. “Maybe I just wanted to go as friends! To get to know him a bit better! Not everything has to be a date just because we’re seventeen!”

Lily shot her a look. “But you want to be more than friends, and you and I both know it, so stop trying to talk your way out of that.”

Marlene stuck out her tongue in a rather unbecoming manner. “Correction: wanted to be more than friends. Not anymore! Now, what am I going to do? Go to Hogsmeade alone? Stay in the castle and be bored out of my mind?” Her pout turned into an evil grin when she developed another thought.

“Ohh, what if I go wherever Remus goes. If he stays here, I’ll just happen to stay back in the Common Room or the library to study across from him. Give him a constant reminder of what he could have had if he just gave me a chance!”

Lily set her quill down. “Marlene, you’re crossing the line to creepy. Just let it go. Why don’t you join James and me at The Three Broomsticks for a drink? That way you can get out of the castle and not be alone all day. Then, you can go do whatever shopping you need to accomplish and head back up to the castle.”

Marlene folded her arms and thought about what Lily had offered. The sour look began to dissolve on her face. “I guess I could do that. Only if James promises not to be a prat, and that it won’t feel like I’m the third wheel.”

“You know I can’t promise a prat-free James, but I’ll do my best to make it not feel like you’re tagging along on a date. How’s that?” Lily reasoned.

Marlene’s eyes turned upward as she thought about the proposed plan. “Okay, I suppose that will work.”

*****

“Wait, wait, wait. Let me get this straight. Marlene McKinnon asked you on a date, and you turned her down?” James asked Remus.

“You weren’t there! You didn’t hear how pushy she was being, James! This is the fifth time she’s pressed the issue! I had no choice, but to turn her down. I’m not interested!”

“She’s not really that bad, Rem,” James countered.

“I never used to think so either, but I can’t stand it when people don’t take no for an answer! If that was me pushing her and she said no, I’d get detention for harassing her!”

“I think that’s a little extreme—”

“It is not! Look, I am perfectly fine keeping to myself. I don’t need to date anyone. I’m too dangerous. It’s bad enough that you three and Lily know.”

“You wouldn’t have to—” James tried to cut in, but Remus held up a hand to interrupt him.

“Can you imagine if she found out? She’s one of the head gossipers in this school. That’d be the end of me! I’ve gotten this far, and I’m not about to ruin it by laying false trust in her. I don’t know how Lily can stand her.”

James snorted. “Is this one of those things you’re going to ask me not to repeat?”

“What do you think? When you and Lily are too busy making eyes at each other in Transfiguration, I have to listen to her drone on and on about who broke up with who, or what the latest trend is in Witch Weekly. Doesn’t she ever get tired of hearing herself talk?”

James wasn’t used to hearing Remus go off like this. He always tried to be a pillar of reservation and neutrality. “Tell me how you really feel, Moon.”

“That is how I really feel!”

“Alright, alright. So Marlene’s just a pretty face, but pushy as hell. Anything else you want to vent about?”

“Have I mentioned how overbearing she is?”

“Once or twice.”

“Then I think I’m good. I’m sorry, I don’t normally complain about people,” Remus apologized.

“No need to apologize, Moony! I’m loving this side of you!” James said.

“Well, don’t get used to it. Looks like I’ll be spending another Hogsmeade weekend in the castle,” Remus sighed.

“Why don’t you join Evans and I? We’re going to The Three Broomsticks this time. Have a drink with us, get out for a bit. The full moon’s not for another week; why don’t you try to enjoy yourself for once. Let loose a bit?”

“I don’t know, Prongs,” Remus said, shaking his head.

“It’s one drink. That’s all I’m asking. Please? You and Lily can talk potions, or whatever it is you two geek out over,” James pressed, knowing Remus would fold when his favorite subject was mentioned.

“Fine, but only one drink,” Remus conceded.

****

James and Remus were sitting at a table in the Three Broomsticks when Lily and Marlene walked in. “Is this some kind of sick joke?” Marlene asked, immediately rounding on Lily.

“What are you talking about?” Lily asked.

“Very funny, Lily. What is he doing here?”

Lily looked in the direction that Marlene was pointing, and was shocked to see Remus sitting with James. “I—I have no idea. Why don’t we go and see? I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation—” Before Lily could finish, Marlene was already storming over to the table.

“So, you couldn’t accept my invitation to go to Hogsmeade, but you can come here with James and taunt me over it?” Marlene seethed.

“I didn’t know you were going to be here,” Remus responded coldly to her as he glared at James.

“Well, Lily invited me to spend the afternoon with her and James, so you can go get to your studying, or whatever excuse you had to not accompany me today,” Marlene said with a snarl.

“And James invited me for one drink, so I’m committed to staying for that as well,” Remus said, not backing down.

“I’m going to go get a drink,” Lily said quickly, noticing that there were only three on the table.

“I’ll come with you!” James said as he shot out of his seat. “I’ll be right back,” he mouthed to Remus.

Marlene and Remus both sat at the table and stared indignantly at each other. It was almost as if they were in a contest of who could glare silently at the other longest. It was Marlene who finally broke the silence.

“What did I ever do to you anyway?” she asked. “I’ve been nothing but nice to you over the last seven years!’

Remus was taking a sip of his Butterbeer and almost snorted it out of his nose. “You’ve been nice to my face, but who knows what you may have said behind my back. I’ve heard the things you say about Sirius and Peter, and even James before he started dating Lily. Why would I want to place myself in the presence of someone as toxic as you?”

He’d probably regret his words later on, but he always tended to get moodier a week before the full moon hit. Controlling his anger was difficult, and of course James had sought refuge at the bar, leaving him completely vulnerable.

“I’ve never had a single mean thing to say about you until this week! You deserve it now after the way you treated me. Apparently, your niceties and caring air is just a facade for your standoffish self-righteousness. I should have known you were too good to be true!”

Lily and James returned as Marlene finished her latest insult. They eyed the two nervously as they sat back down. Remus was seeing red, and it didn’t take James long to catch the wolfish look in his eyes.

He put a hand on Remus’ shoulder and said under his breath, “Easy there Moony.”

This brought Remus down slightly from the rage he was feeling. “Well, I’m sorry you took my disinterest for rudeness. Perhaps you should grow a thicker skin,” he said through gritted teeth.

Marlene was ready to respond when Lily intervened. “So, how about Sluggy’s Potions essay? I’m personally having a difficult time looking up the ingredients for Mopses Potion without utilizing the Restricted Section.”

Lily’s diversion was enough to prevent more arguing amongst Marlene and Remus, but did not help the next hour pass by any faster. The tension between the two never dissipated, and the awkwardness remained, as neither made an effort to keep the conversation flowing. Eventually, both decided they had enough and took their leave.

“Thanks for the lovely afternoon, Lily,” Marlene said, sarcasm dripping from her words as she glared at Remus.

“Yes, James. It was positively splendid. Now I know what I’ve been missing out on when I stay at the castle. I’ll see you later,” Remus said with a look that told James he’d be receiving an earful later.

James shot a grimace at Lily as they watched the two head for separate exits. “Well, that was a disaster.”

#remus lupin #marlene mckinnon #james potter #lily evans #side jily

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icycream-catqueen · 3 years

Text

Kindling (When You’re Burning Low)

Cinder would rather burn herself out than risk a low grade; fortunately, Neo knows how to make her relax.

Rating: T

Tone: Some angst, lots of supportiveness, and a fluffy ending

Word Count: ~5,000

Important Tags: College AU, Established Relationship

I was gonna post this before now but I had problems with writing it and I was nervous about participating in a ship week especially when I only have something written for one prompt, and also my cat was sleeping on me for five whole hours earlier tonight while I was trying to finish up and as everyone knows it is a crime to disturb a snoozing kitty cat. I hope it still counts. ^_^;

Considering it’s pretty long, I only have an excerpt (the first scene I wrote for this fic, actually) on this post; the whole thing is, of course, over on AO3!

On this fine Saturday afternoon, Cinder was taking advantage of the lounge in the dorm suite. The coffee table was half-claimed by various books and notes while Cinder herself was settled at the same end of the couch, her laptop perched on the arm of it and her right side pressed closely against the suede upholstery as she struggled with the perfect phrasing for her essay. Failure was never an option for her, and even the slightest error would lead to it when it came to this class. She was running on pure caffeine by now, from a supposedly unhealthy amount of coffee. This was her third or fourth solid day of being awake. After the first night, she’d moved her setup from her room to the lounge to help her stay more alert. Winter and Emerald had both tried to tell her what was best for her wellbeing, but she’d firmly shut down their arrogance; she knew her own limits, and she needed to get this stupid project done. Neo, thankfully, had been out of town from Thursday morning to last night, and when she’d come back to the suite, she’d trudged straight to her room and shut the door. Cinder had only seen a couple brief glimpses of her since. Just as well, considering Cinder couldn’t intimidate her into letting her be like she could to Emerald and Winter.

At the moment, Emerald and Winter were both out of the building. They’d each probably told her what they were doing, but she hadn’t bothered to remember it. Neo was apparently still asleep, which was a bit odd but not enough so to risk seeing the pitiful kicked-puppy expression that appeared when her sleep was disturbed. Still, if she wasn’t up and about in two hours, it would be worth it to check on her mental and physical health.

Speak of the devil, Cinder heard a door open behind her. She didn't bother to look, though, until she realized the shuffling footsteps were approaching the couch instead of the kitchen, bathroom, or shower. She took a brief glance, then did an immediate double take because Neo looked absolutely miserable. Her hair was unbrushed and her eyes were dull. The oversized black sweatshirt (which Cinder recognized by the fiery orange phoenix on the front as one of her own that had mysteriously vanished a few weeks ago) and the brown and pink plaid pajama pants were probably what she'd worn to bed the night before, and she hadn't even bothered to put on socks. It was worrying to see her in such a state.

"You certainly look worse for wear," Cinder commented. Neo pouted at her as she slowly made her way to the couch and sank to the cushions. Before Cinder could react, Neo flopped down, squirmed to lay her head in her lap, and rolled onto her back. "I'm busy," Cinder told her sternly.

Neo's response was a soft and pitiful keening sound. She fumbled to grab Cinder's left wrist, staring up at her with pleading doe eyes.

"Neo. I'm busy," Cinder repeated. Neo whined and tugged on her wrist, so Cinder rolled her eyes and stopped resisting, curious about what she wanted. She wasn't sure what she was expecting, but she was definitely taken by surprise when Neo gently guided her hand under the hem of her sweatshirt and pressed it against her lower stomach.

What is she trying to accomplish here? Cinder raised an eyebrow at the woman in her lap. Neo let go of her wrist to sign something at her. The odd angle made it hard to translate, so it took a few seconds for Cinder to understand what she was asking for and why.

"I suppose I can take a short break, if you're really in that much pain," she relented. "You're lucky you're cute," she added as she carefully activated her Semblance.

The reaction was instant. Neo sighed with relief at the warmth, eyes full of soft gratitude and affection. Cinder rubbed slow, small circles over her stomach, feeling the smaller woman go languid under her touch. After a few more seconds, Neo's eyes fluttered closed.

"Is this warm enough?" Cinder asked. Neo nodded, a content smile playing across her lips. "Just ten minutes."

Neo opened her eyes and pouted at her.

"There is a reason I've been awake for," Cinder checked the time on her laptop, "about eighty hours now." Neo looked positively outraged.

"You need to sleep," she signed—easily decipherable now that Cinder had gotten a little more time to adjust to her current perspective. Not that the message was very appreciated.

"No, what I need is to finish this ridiculous project so I can move on to my two remaining essays, do all the work for a 'group project' because the rest of my assigned group are immature and unmotivated idiots, and study for my three exams this week," Cinder retorted.

"When are your essays due?"

Cinder elected not to answer, since admitting the due dates were two and three weeks away respectively wouldn't help her against Neo's accusatory glare.

"Your group project?"

Okay, so maybe it hadn't technically been assigned yet and was scheduled to be due in a month and a half, but all the information was in the syllabus. Cinder's class was full of imbeciles, and somehow she always got stuck in a group with some idiot or another who didn't understand what a lesbian was, so she was getting it out of the way to avoid interacting with anyone.

"Are all three of your exams actually this week?"

Two of them, and one of those barely counted more towards the final grade in the class than a small quiz. Her continued silence was answer enough; Neo knew her too well.

"You're going to burn yourself out again." Neo's eyes were unbearably sad, so Cinder looked away.

"I'm fine," she dismissed the concern. A hand grabbed her chin and yanked her head down so her eyes met Neo's again.

"I watched you collapse in the middle of campus last year, and I almost got in trouble for pulling a knife on the paramedics to make them let me stay with you. I got a scared video call from Winter four months ago because you fainted in her fancy rich-person hot tub and nearly drowned," Neo reminded her. “Do I need to go on?”

"I can handle it this time," Cinder insisted, growing agitated. Neo took a calming breath before responding.

"No you can't. You always say it but you never can. You end up in an exhausted daze. You work yourself into a frenzy. You get into fits of rage...which honestly scare me."

"I would never lay a hand on—!" Cinder was cut off when Neo pressed a finger to her lips.

"Not for myself. I'm scared you'll lose control and take it out on yourself again," Neo corrected her. "You haven't in a while, but..." Neo trailed a hand down Cinder's left arm, tracing her scars.

"I just...I need to...I have to keep working. I can't let myself fall behind. I can't..." Cinder faltered. Neo sighed.

"I know," she acknowledged. She knew about the past, knew why Cinder relapsed into these desperate attempts to excel, to stay ahead. "But it's pointless if you destroy yourself trying."

"I've only ended up being sent to the hospital three times since I started college," Cinder argued. Neo was unimpressed.

"Congratulations! And you've managed to barely avoid hospitalization how many times now?"

"I—that isn't relevant!" Cinder hissed. Neo scowled.

"Really? It's not? How many times have you ended up so exhausted that you were bedridden for days? How many times have you gone into a mental decline because you were incapacitated? And how many more times are you going to make me watch you suffer like that?"

"If you want to leave me, just get it over with!" Cinder spat bitterly. Neo's eyes widened, hurt and shocked. Cinder flinched, realizing she'd crossed a very important line. "I didn't mean...I don't know why I said that."

"An abandonment complex, emotional instability, a mess of insecurities you mask with your ego, previous girlfriends who couldn't handle you or only wanted your body...and like I've been saying, you need sleep,” Neo replied, recovering. "Also, my cramps?"

"What?" Cinder realized she'd subconsciously deactivated her Semblance at some point and quickly remedied that. "Oh. Sorry."

"I'm going to make a deal with you," Neo informed her abruptly. Cinder raised an eyebrow, intrigued.

"What kind of deal?"

"The 'ridiculous project' you're trying to finish. Tell me about it, and I'll explain," Neo replied. Cinder clenched her teeth at the mere mention of it.

"It's an assigned experiment, a five to ten-page report on it, and an oral presentation. And the professor hates me. He goes out of his way to make every class, every test, and every assignment hell for me. I have to work harder than anyone so he can't get away with failing me out of spite. If I make even one mistake..." she growled.

"When is it due?"

"The day after tomorrow. It was assigned two weeks ago, but three days ago he realized he 'accidentally' gave me the wrong experiment. In other words, he's making me do a two-week project within five days—after I'd already finished the one he previously assigned me."

"Watts," Neo guessed. Cinder had come back from his class angry enough times that it wasn't even a question.

"Yeah," she confirmed anyway. Neo wrinkled her nose.

"I already hated that guy, and I hated him more and more every time you came back from his class in a bad mood, but this shit he's pulling now is the final straw, so I'm going to get him fired," she declared. Cinder let out an amused huff.

"And how will you do that?" she asked. She didn’t expect an actual answer but Neo didn't even hesitate.

"It may include breaking and entering, small and well-placed incidents, a flat tire, some bottles of the expensive alcohol he isn't supposed to have on campus, a sedative, and if we're lucky, a little inadvertent assistance from gravity and Ironwood."

"Just how long have you been planning this?" Cinder was taken aback at the immediate response. Neo considered.

"The time you locked me out of your dorm after his class because you were so furious you wanted to hit something, and you were worried you'd see so much red you might accidentally hit me in blackout rage. You've never told me what happens in his class to make you so angry, or even if it's actually him or just another student—though I was pretty sure it was him—so I planned for both situations."

"I'm impressed," Cinder commented. Neo smirked. “Now what was that ‘deal’ you mentioned?”

"You finish the report for your project, then eat something more substantial than coffee and whatever quick snacks you've been living off of for the past few days. And then we go to my dorm and you get some damn sleep."

"How did you know I'm working on the report right now?" Cinder was taken aback. "And how do you know I haven't been eating?"

"Because I can see it on your computer. And once again, you've done this before, so I know you don't take the time for more than the minimum amount of food to keep hunger from 'distracting' you," Neo pointed out, almost accusingly.

"I haven't even started working on the oral presentation. I'll do all that after I'm completely finished."

"Nope. You can start that part when you're well-rested. If you make me physically drag you to bed while I'm on my period, I'll make damn sure you regret it," Neo threatened with a scowl.

“Fine,” Cinder gave in reluctantly. Neo smiled brightly, and dammit, it was nigh impossible for Cinder to stay bitter in the face of such genuine fondness, joy, and relief. She wondered when she’d gotten so soft—even if only a select few people got to see that soft part of her—and realized she didn’t even mind anymore.

#spicecreamweek2021 #spicecream #cinder x neo #fanfic #rwby #cinder fall #neopolitan #college au #oneshot #mentions of trauma #mentions of past self-harm #fluff #cuddles #established relationship #tl;dr cinder neglects self-care so neo makes her take a nap #i could have just done a link like normal people but i wanted an excuse to use the spicecream graphic i made

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wecomrades · 4 years

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Hi Linda :) I’m here for some advice, I could’ve just send you a dm and reveal myself but then I thought that maybe others can take advantage from your answer. I don’t know why I’m asking you, it’s just that you seem such a nice and smart person and I trust you? Anyway, I’ve been wanting to write for some time but I’m afraid.. I don’t know where to start and I suffer from anxiety, I’m afraid I will get anxious over hits and comments. What do I need to do? Hope you don’t mind, thank you ☺️

Hi! First, I don’t have enough words to explain how flattered and honoured I am, I’m just not over the fact that you choose me of all people to help you out. And I understand why you went on anon, I respect that, but I wanted you to know that whenever you need help my ask box and chat are always open. That said, let’s jump into the sadness.

Sadness because to be honest, the moment I read this ask, I was both overwhelmed and sad. I just kept asking myself: “why would someone be afraid of writing?” It just doesn’t feel right that a person has to feel like that. But at the same time I know where you get this fear from, I’ll come back to it later.

Where to start? Well, writing doesn’t exactly have a rule for that. I mean, I started writing about 16 years ago (omg that’s very long time) and it just... happened. I’ve always had my head filled with random stories, so I just started writing them down. Now, I speak for myself, if I have an idea I can’t just take my computer and start writing like that. I love plotting, it’s my favourite part, so I write my characters’ personalities, curiosities, random things like their favourite colour or music taste or just aspects of their characterisation. Sometimes even lines and random dialogues. I create them, I create the world around them so I have a full view of what my story will be. Then I start writing, I just let my thoughts flow through my immagination and try to stick to my main plot. Obviously once you get into it, things might change, I did sometimes change the plot while writing bc it’s just how it goes. So my main advice for that, if you have inspiration for a story or for just one character, create a world around it. Start viewing a story in your head, then the writing itself will be easier than you expect! For example, I’m currently writing a Band of Brothers fic with a female OC: I’d never imagined to write a long fic with an OC, but one day I was reading about a woman who was a hero in WWII, and she used to parachute into enemy territory... so my head connected her to the tv show and that’s how she was born. And from that, from just her, I create a whole story. It also happened sometimes that I had in mind a fantasy world (I’m very much into fantasy, my stories are basically just that haha bc you have no limits in creating that, it’s not that you have to do research - even tho I do like research, but it takes more time and energy), and from that I created characters and laws and entire countries... writing is this, is creating things, and there’s no way someone can teach you that. You can get some advice - like the ones I just gave you - but no one can tell you how to do that. You can take inspiration from everything and everyone, for me personally I get inspired from random people I see on the street. My final advice is: just go for that. If you have an idea, or a character in mind, create a background and go for it.

About the anxiety due to views and comments... well, that’s another story. But if you like writing and creating contents, you first and foremost are doing it FOR YOU AND ONLY YOU. Don’t write just because other people do. I know the feeling of being proud of something and then when you post it it gets zero response, or barely a few. If you think about fanfictions, that also depends a lot on the fandom. Back in the day, when I used to write a fic every two days (sob, those were good days!), I was part of a few fandoms; for example when I used to post in the Harry Potter section I usually got loads of views and comments, same with Merlin and Glee. Because they were popular back then. But when I would write a fanfiction about Chronicles of Narnia or Lost, they barely had 2 views per day. And it was always me, like, Linda’s writing. Only thing different was the fandom. Obviously if someone loves your writing but their not into the same fandoms as yours, they happen to read your stories no matter what. Others don’t do that, and I don’t blame them bc sometimes I don’t do that either.

So, basically, you just have to get used to it and not let it ruin your creativity. Believe me, I know how it feels; I stopped some long fics just because I didn’t have enough appreciation and I learned just after that that it was wrong. Because again, you write for you. For example (sorry for so many examples but I find them useful), when I introduced my fic Hélène here on tumblr I got so many enthusiastic messages and 61 notes on the post, so in my head I was expecting at least 100 views the first day! Why? Dunno, I just did. The first day I posted my fic had barely 50 views, but it didn’t upset me bc I’m passionate about writing and especially about this story I’m just creating, that I won’t let a few views and votes let me down. It takes time to realise that, it really does, but trust me when I say it works eventually. It also depends on the website you will rely on. If you post on tumblr you have people reblogging and so your post reaches other people and so on. With Wattpad or Ao3 or Fanfiction Net or whatever, it’s just a matter of luck and honestly how you present your story: the title, the tags, the warnings, the summary...! Also, I learned that here on tumblr time zone does half the work. If I post in the morning no one sees, if I post from middle afternoon/night I get quite enough views! It might sound stupid, but it’s just how social media works haha same when I post on Instagram.

But I’m gonna say this: VIEWS DON’T DEFINE YOUR WORK.

To sum it up: you have an idea? Perfect, that’s your start. You upload a fanfiction and it doesn’t get the appreciation you expected? Don’t stress about it, if you keep stressing about it you won’t write anymore. I don’t know in which fandom you’re currently swimming, but in the BoB fandom I swear to you that everybody is so nice and supportive! I didn’t expect that at first, I was so surprised and in awe and I just love being here and share things with y’all. If you’re new to the writing obviously it takes time before people get to know you and your works, so just bear with that! And for the comments, I personally love leaving comments, because I like the feeling when I get them and so I want other people feel like that. I love critics as well, as long as they have a purpose, bc most of the time they help me as a person and as a writer. Remember: if someone takes the time to help you out, it means a lot.

Well, sorry for this never ending essay, I hope it’ll help you somehow! I’m not used to people trusting me like this, so I hope I made sense! Please know that whenever you need something I’m here for you always.

I wish you the loveliest of days 💛

#ask #anon #writing tips

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littlegalerion · 4 years

Photo

I couldn’t just reply directly to one because then it wouldn’t make sense, as the other two halves of the Asks would be missing.

I want to start by saying if you enjoy Almalexia, be it in a simple way or in a thirst way, good for you. You enjoy the game how you want to enjoy it, because that’s what a game is for.

Now, that being said, I see absolutely no case for trying to “reclaim” Almalexia. Mainly because these “years of injustice” towards gay or female villains have long since passed. Yes, it was a thing, and yes it was horrible. But we’ve since moved on. I mean, as a woman, I’m proud to say that I could be flicking through TV channels or various options on any streaming app and find a series featuring a strong, independent woman- or involving a complex female villain who isn’t just “ugly”, but just enjoys being evil OR has a complicated and sympathetic background that forced her to become the villain.

Off the top of my head:

Hunger Games Parks and Rec The Office She-Ra Steven Universe Owl House Rick Riordan collections Moana The Polar Express Song of the Sea

Wonder Woman

All these either feature one or both a strong female hero or a complex female villain, and they’re just the icing on the very real and very stable female empowerment cake.

Will we still see ugly women portrayed in some fiction as villains? Yes, but we will also see ugly men portrayed as the villains. Usually for a purely comedic effect. If it’s bad taste, it’s easily seen as bad taste and therefore not well received, especially online. As for the gay aspect, that too has been changing- and funny enough some of the examples listed above are testimony to that!

Now to Almalexia herself:

I have to disagree, and argue that stating she is a “poorly written female” is a total injustice. Almalexia is an insanely good female villain. Why? Because when you face her, you feel fear. You know you are faced with an actual threat, a real challenge of a boss fight. She’s clever, resourceful, and you know she’s powerful enough to do as she pleases. After all, earlier in game she asks you to go force some dunmer to start worshiping her again or she’ll send an actual fatal storm to wipe them out.

Please understand: the dunmer have a backwards and suffocating culture. They shove tradition down your throat, and even then will still hate you and say you aren’t good enough to polish their boots. It’s been like this for centuries, and why? Because the Tribunal never changed. Unlike other pantheons in Tamriel which adapted with time naturally, the Tribunal never shifted. Did you see Vivec and Almalexia ever lift a finger to stop the slavery in their lands? To stop the random wars between Ashlanders and the Houses? Did Sotha Sil even bother to change anything from the outside world in his Clockwork City for the better?

The Nerevarine is the change Morrowind needed. They’re this one outsider who doesn’t care about what anyone wants to try to force on them, and despite all the hardships, they ascend to power above any of these garbage people. They bring down the Tribunal, and Morrowind is able too breathe.

This is why Alamlexia is such a good villain. Because she doesn’t want this change. Male or female, any gender is capable to be corrupted by greed and power. That was her from the get go. Both Vivec and Sotha Sil expressed regret at killing Nerevar. They didn’t change their ways, but they expressed regret. Almalexia never looked back. She knew what she was doing and never regretted it. Now suddenly the temple is finally falling, and she’s loosing her power. Yeah, she isn’t going to let that happen.

So it’s you, the Nerevarine, who is responsible for a possible change for the better in the atmosphere of Morrowind, verses Almalexia, the last of the Tribunal who will keep things structured in tradition out of sheer greed. She literally worked out every movement you took from the beginning of that DLC up to point you see Sil’s corpse and she confronts you. This badass had a perfect plan devised, and I quote from her directly,

"Nerevarine. Here it ends. This Clockwork City was to be your death. You were to be my greatest martyr! The heroic Nerevarine, sacrificing all to protect Morrowind from the mad Sotha Sil. But you live! You live! Fear not. I will tell the tale myself when this is done. I will tell my people how with your dying breath you proclaimed your devotion to me, the one true god. Your death will end this prophecy and unite my people again under one god, one faith, one rule by my divine law. The puppet king will lay down his arms and bow to my will. Those who do not yield will be destroyed. The Mazed Band has allowed me to travel to this place. Here, I slew Sotha Sil. Here, I summoned the Fabricants to attack Mournhold. I will be the savior of my people! I alone will be their salvation! None may stand in my way. Not you, and certainly not Vivec. He is a poet, a fool. I will deal with him when I have finished with you. And Sotha Sil...he always thought himself our better, shunning us, locking himself in this hole. He spoke not a word as he died. Not a whisper. Even in death, he mocked me with his silence! But I think you will scream, mortal. For now, you face the one true god."

What a set up for a boss battle!

That’s insanely engaging!

Honestly, she reminds me of Mother Gothel from Tangled. Always gaslighting her people, always making them believe she does everything out of love for them, when in reality she does it all only for her own benefit.

Don’t get me wrong, Vivec and Sotha Sil aren’t saints. Even though they admitted regret, they didn’t do anything about that. They didn’t speak up, step down, or give the power back they stole. Instead, they tried to go under the excuse “we must continue on like this, the people can’t handle the truth.” Yeah, very convenient guys.

But Almalexia outshines them both as one of the greatest villains in TES history.

To Sum Up

There are things that need to be changed in Morrowind. The cringe, edgelord writing about Divayth and his daughters for instance. But the struggle between Tradition vs Progression, and the majesty of Almalexia’s final encounter do not need to be changed.

If you want female empowerment in TES, then please look to the real icons. Khamira, the young queen who faced an impossible rebellion.

Lyris, who doesn’t know how to express nor deal with her emotions, and who gets weird looks for her sheer size by everyone else but her fellow Nords, but she keeps swinging that axe regardless!

Valsirenn, who, despite having to revisit the painful reality of losing her daughter, still sought after her ex if only to find closure, and though Iachesis’ death weighed on her heart, she bit the bullet and saw things through to the end.

And those are only three jewels of a treasure chest full of gems, let me assure you. if I had any real criticism, I’d like for female heroes to have more flaws. Nobody is born perfect, and half of what makes the hero is their struggle but final victory in overcoming their flaws or complications.

This is the last time I’m reacting to Almalexia material on my blog.

I don’t want my blog filled with fandom discourse. Yes, I’ve blogged before about Greymoor disappointments, but to be fair I was reviewing a product I paid $50 bucks for, and some people paid even more for it! I’ve received hate anon due to the Almalexia topic already, and had my words taken out of context due to someone not reblogging my actual argument but screenshotting the tags and only posting those. People ramble in their tags on tumblr. That’s a common thing. And funny enough, the tags are meant to go along with the actual blog itself.

Any Asks sent regarding Almalexia will be ignored. If you have an excessive problem with my opinion on her, just block me.

Again, I want to state: If you love Almalexia, just love Almalexia. More power to you.

Just don’t attack people with long essays about how your opinion is correct and they are sexist for not agreeing with you!

#ayem discourse

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she-who-the-river-could-not-hold · 4 years

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Tagged by @kindclaws to answer her ten questions and then write ten of my own! I adore you and I adore this concept SO much thank you for tagging me!!! 🖤🖤

1. You can capture any smell in the world into a candle. What is it?

The smell of the forest after a rainy night, where the ground is still damp but the pine seems to have been awoken and the air is fresh from isolation and lingering winter from being at such a high elevation. There’s a hint of campfire burning in the undertones.

2. You can bring something back from extinction, whether that’s a dodo or a discontinued chocolate bar from your childhood. What is it?

Part of my instinct is to say “humanity’s belief that we can work together for a better future” and the other half of me says “Taco Bell’s Quesalupa”

3. What fictional world did you always wish you could escape to?

As a kid it was Harry Potter, my best friend and I would play the video games and just self-insert ourselves and like twenty OCs and characters we loved and play “as them” instead of Harry. Which now that I think about it was absolutely what got me into fanfiction. I was just so frustrated in school all of the time I longed for the idea of Hogwarts. I also made up a lot of worlds as a kid! I actually had a mural painted on my wall for most of my childhood that was a big fantasy scene set up with a castle and a forest with fairies, unicorns, elves, etc. and I’d fall asleep pretending I lived in the mural. I’ve been yearning from day one my friends.

4. If you did, say, fall into a portal to another fantasy world with like dragons and swords, what would you consider fighting to come back for? Would you?

My boyfriend because I’m a sap! But then I’d be down for us to go back in as long as I had a camera on me because SO COOL.

5. What would you love to study if there were no tuition costs, no exams, no pressure to be hireable - or why not?

No exams = astronomy. I love space and I’m so fascinated by it but as someone who’s really bad at anything science or math related, I just want to sit in classes and learn about it. No tuition costs = just writing extensive research papers analyzing different movies and shows. My favorite essays I wrote in college were either literature interpretations (ex: Pride and Prejudice through a feminist/marxist lens), the making of the Lord of the Rings series, and a feminist analysis of the Disney Princess film franchise using quantitive and qualitative research. I’d love to do more of that and just take classes that related to it (I would love to do one on religion/myths and the 100 for example).

6. Advertisements are now illegal. What do you fill the empty billboards with?

TAKE THE BILLBOARDS DOWN. Jk mmm. Probably like some type of activism thing either about the environment? Or something peaceful/visually interesting so that people felt inspired when they saw it! So idk maybe pictures or something historical that’s from that location specifically?

7. Best way to eat a potato?

Beyond just saying “every way,” at the end of the day I’m a basic and a sucker for french fries. But I will go on record and say my mom makes the best mashed potatoes and if you’re doing a baked potato don’t forget to hit the ends and roll it before cutting it open #just idaho things.

8. You have an unlimited home improvement budget and full creative control. What fun and zesty nonsense do you do to your house or workplace?

Oh THIS is a thrilling question. A really elaborate bar area so we could easily make all of our own cocktails and host parties. A room for all of our Disney memorabilia that we collect so it would need room for pins, posters/artwork, figurines. Probably Haunted Mansion or Tomorrowland themed. Honestly the living room would look straight out of a 50′s/60′s retro future modernist house. This isn’t even that wild but I just need a lot of surface area so I can have the coffee-table book collection of my dreams. Also a huge makeup room and office area for me to work in.

9. I’m running out of dinner ideas. Pls link me your favourite recipe.

aksldfjs I’m trash at cooking! Big fan of the simpleness of making spaghetti and buying a big ass baguette to split over a glass of cheap wine. Here’s an untested recipe that I’m hoping to try out this weekend though – Asado Chicken and Sauteed Lemon Zucchini!

10. What have you poured your soul into?

Making every thought and creative idea I have take over myself. Never stopping thinking about how things are made, how I could make it, what feeling it gives me. Immediately understanding colors and fonts and aesthetics so that I can try and create the worlds and ideas in my head. I’m consumed by the need to be making at all times and that’s from letting my imagination run the show.

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Tagging: @the-most-beautiful-broom, @formerlyjannafaye, @annabthschase, @dylanobrienisbatman, @immortalcockroach, and @lucascsinclairs! My questions are below the cut!

1. You’re given the chance to be naturally good at something without needing to practice it ever again – what is it?

2. What’s a tradition you have with loved ones (family, friends, romantic, any!) that you really enjoy doing? Even if it’s random or not connected to a holiday!

3. Is there something out there that gives you that aching, yearning feeling in your gut that you can’t quite name?

4. Tell me something that’s made you smile recently!

5. Is there something just out of reach right now? A goal? A dream? If you take a minute or two now, are you able to think of the steps you could take to get closer to it?

6. What do you want people to associate with you? Like if someone says, “I saw/heard/thought of [x] and I thought of you!” – what would fill you with delight because that means they really get you?

7. Think back, any weird childhood obsession or memory that is such a weirdly specific thing from back then that you haven’t thought about until I asked you this question?

8. Describe your life or yourself in fanfic terms like on AO3.

9. Quick! What’s something underrated that you love and that more people need to know about? Can be anything, doesn’t have to be fandom related.

10. It’s game night and you’re determined to be the victor. What game do you bring that you know you’re the champion of no matter how hard your friends try?

#get to know me #THIS IS SO FUNNNNN #I just want to do so many of these

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battleshell · 4 years

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THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm. tagged by: @dansiere whom im care tagging: extremely informative meme for ppl who have lots of cross-over interactions, i encourage u to steal it from me anyway BUT @sternenteile @twelvians @stellamris @grandtales

My muse is: canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO. [ he is a very, very minor NPC that i’ve essentially wrested from the game with my grubby hands; Gerson is a merchant NPC found in Waterfall, the third area of the game focused with water themes. he has less than 100 lines of dialogue (but jam-packed full of info) and doesn’t even have an overworld sprite. although noted to have a history with multiple major characters, it’s not often i’ve seen him be the main focus of any fanfics or art pieces. ]

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK. [ put that faaaaaaaar away from me please tyty ]

Is your character considered strong in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK. [ i personally believe that Gerson is a strong and potentially powerful monster with fighting capability that could rival some of the stronger Monsters in the Underground due to his background as a fighter during the Human-Monster War, but since has waned in both reputation and fighting skill. we never fight him in game and as such, will never see how he compares numerically, but it’s clear from his dialogue that he knows how to fight professionally/cleverly and would have given a hard challenge. ]

Are they underrated? YES / NO / IDK. [ i mentioned before that Gerson has ties with lots of major characters - I hardly see it being put into action or talked about! i also have a soft spot for elder/older characters in general since they seem to be overlooked in favor for younger characters that carry the action of plots - which I understand and totally get, but I still like to put these characters out there for the sake of it ]

Were they relevant for the main story? YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG. [ he was a funny merchant dude that said “wahaha” a whole bunch of times and carried a magnifying glass; sure he and Frisk would have been good friends after the golden ending but most people have forgotten about their interaction with Gerson once out of Waterfall ]

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO. [ as one of the older if not oldest Monsters in the Underground, or from his reputation as the “Hammer of Justice” from wartime. he is also a historian and is noted to have written a few of the books in the Librarby. definitely known in the Underground, but probably only in that community ]

How’s their reputation? GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. [ as mentioned before, a benefactor to the community and maybe even a sagely figure. a source of wisdom (even if cheeky) and a person of stability ]

How strictly do you follow canon? — ehhhhhhhhhh both extremely canon compliant and then hands off the wheel, let jesus drive me away~ i only have so much canon material to work with so i have milked as much as offered to me, then went off to forge my own path in order to patch up the missing holes then add a few sprinkles. the base of the character is all there, but if you really want to get invested with him (or me) then we have a lot to walk through.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals. — old tortoise (NOT TURTLE) guy sells knick-knacks and cracks jokes, knows everyone’s dirty secrets but thinks they’re just funny to think about them than use them. an elder in the community who has stories to tell and lessons to teach, who has lived through half of recorded history and now spends his time just trying to make things around him interesting. a war veteran who protects his community and understands the horror of the world, but keeps eyes looking into the future even in the face of grimness itself. plays the accordion and harmonica, could probably square dance if he knew what that was. will call you kiddo.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?). — little to no motivation to find a passion for himself that would benefit or service just himself; his entire sense of worth comes from servicing others in some way (being a soldier and protecting people; recording history in order to teach future generations; maintaining a shop in order to literally service others) and lack of action due to decrepitude in old age. close-minded compared to other Monsters, as he doesn’t actually take to think of humans or outsiders kindly; judgmental to the point of being racist. proud and dislikes being one-upped that it could lead to pettiness, and despite his positive outlooks, very pessimistic worldview.

What inspired you to rp your muse? — funfact: Gerson is my first tumblr RP muse ever, and since i was worried about duplicate anxiety when i first started i specifically wrote him since he was a smaller character with less attention - i’ve since learned i have no anxiety about it so it’s no longer a problem, but what keeps me going today is the challenge of writing someone so different from me. the elder aesthetic along with homely, almost cottagecore kind of vibe is also appealing, and the humor that comes with gerson is a joy to write out.

What keeps your inspiration going? — reading literature, music, artwork, pinterest, replaying the game, and doing little hobbies that would embody the character (collecting or sewing, for example) are things i can do by myself, but with other people i have the most drive when i can have friendly and nonpersonal arguments/debates about character motives or about source material like what made a character act like this or that, or about really anything as long as it makes me seriously think about characters critically and force me to recognize flaws.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice? YES / NO / I SINCERELY HOPE I DO? [ unfortunately i’m not a tortoise monster who lived for probably centuries if not decades older than myself, but i enjoy writing older characters and hope that other ppl see the potential gerson has like i do ]

Do you frequently write headcanons? YES / NO / SORT OF? [ you know when you have a concept and in your own mind you can see it clearly, without fuzziness or confusion, but you can’t seem to put it clearly into words without it turning into an essay because you need to connect all the other points that’s in the single concept you envisioned? yea. ]

Do you sometimes write drabbles? YES / NO [ bro i should.. ]

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO [ hmu if you got pinterest and i’ll give u tons and tons of boards ]

Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO / SORT OF? [ this is unfair to answer as (AFAIK) i am the only person writing Gerson in... any capacity. despite that i like to think i bring out the humorous side of him, and show ppl that he and other NPCs are tons of potentials and shouldn’t be overlooked because they aren’t popular ]

Are you confident in your writing? YES / NO. [ i always believed my style and my skill in not only PSDs or aesthetics, but analysis or understanding was always a bit plain, without much flourish or complexity. while that is appealing on its own and has its own merits, i can’t help but feel i can always push myself to do a little more, add a little flavor, or paint an image that could only be done in writing. although i am doing enough to get the job done, i’m searching for a certain voice of writing that i like and want to integrate into creative writing in order to make it more personalized and more engaging. ]

Are you a sensitive person? YES / NO. / SORTA. [ i despise pussyfooting and will often tell ppl straight up if i have a problem with them or something about them; straightforwardness, honesty, and integrity are some of my core values and that includes being harsh if it comes to it in order to keep order ]

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal? — assuming it’s rooted in goodwill or from a point of analysis, absolutely! it’s one of the direct sources for growth and getting better at any craft, but as Tumblr loves to be.... jumpy, i’m always cautious when its not from someone i know.

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character? — YEA BUDDYYYYY

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why? — absolutely, i thrive off friendly discourse as i mentioned.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it? — if we don’t discuss it as above, in lit any other case i’d say “well there are other blogs to follow” but since i’m like 99% sure i’m the only gerson blog that isn’t applicable lmao; the point still stands that everyone has the freedom to write a character as they wish. there are valid reasons to dislike a portayal but not a lot of valid reasons to attack someone for it - with the exception of ppl being gross. stop that, nasty.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it? — strangely. it’s not my job to make people like a character, you either like them or not. if you dislike them for unreasonable points then, to leave in the previous response, “clowns will be clowns, no matter what you do. I just don’t get why you would follow someone if you hate their character to begin with.”

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors? — of course, as long as it’s polite and all that jazz!

Do you think you are easy going as a mun? — depends on the meaning - i like making new friends and i find it easy to talk to new people, be it about roleplay or other things like organizing video game play sessions. however, i also have on multiple occasions have approached ppl privately saying “this is annoying/this is problematic/this is inappropriate, stop” and been met with general disdain for voicing such so Who Knows..... (tm). at least on a private level. here, publicly, i’m pretty relaxed! memes and jokes are abound. as long as a person can be mature and responsible for their actions we can vibe, yo.

#definitely plan to link this in rules or something #as a guide for newcomers #what a nice meme!#* verbatim ⟐ meme.

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batmansymbol · 4 years

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@montpahrnah tagged me in a meme to say goodbye to the 2010s!! thank you eve <3

the decade is ending, what’s changed for you in these past ten years?

have you moved?

i have, a few times. i left North Carolina for college in Ohio, then moved back south to Raleigh, then to NYC, then to Chicago. i’ve always felt pretty rootless, first because of having no family in the US and now because my job can go anywhere. in the upcoming decade i’d like to find somewhere that properly feels like a home, where i can feel restful, with no drive to pick up and go. or maybe i should commit to a nomadic lifestyle, give away all my possessions, and move every two months, before the panic that i’m wasting myself in some way sets in

have you graduated?

yes, from high school and then from undergrad. i doubt i’ll ever go back to formal education, although i’d love to take classes here and there! i’d especially love to learn more tactile and useful skills.

has your marital status changed?

hahaha absolutely not

has your parental status changed?

it has not

has your hair color changed?

i did a red ombre after graduation and then blue tips when i was working for the democrats. now i think i’m done experimenting in terms of hair. i like it long and natural, and i like when the only thing that happens to it is my mom trimming my split ends onto the kitchen floor.

has your job changed?

yes, sure has. i was a restaurant hostess in high school, and now i am an author. i also wrote for the Onion this decade, another former dream. i love what i do and always will, but i’ll probably also always wonder what else could be on the horizon, and if/how i could make a bigger positive change in the world.

has your otp changed?

yes - i have basically left behind my tomione days, and the johnlock phase between i guess... 2011-14? lol. these days i read more ginny/luna and remus/sirius and jaime/brienne, but i don’t really hunt down pairings the way i used to. i mean, one of my favorite pieces of writing from this decade is this charlie weasley/pansy parkinson fic. if an amazing writer writes it, i’m on board.

has your pet status changed?

(this isn’t a happy answer so skip it if you hate to read about pet death) in 2010, my family had 3 cats and 2 dogs: a calico (Zanzibar), two tabbies (Suki and Finn), a german shepherd (Juno), and a lhasa apso (Buddy). only one of them is still alive. Finn got PTSD after part of our house blew up in a gas explosion and he wound up running away. Suki died from diabetic complications, and Juno got cancer at the same time that most of Buddy’s systems failed from old age.

Zanzibar, though, is still living with my sister. she’s nineteen years old, deaf, and loves to yowl/scream at the top of her lungs. my sister and her boyfriend lavish her with stupid amounts of affection and never stop talking about her. whenever i think about pets, i remember this from zadie smith’s essay “joy”:

A final thought: sometimes joy multiplies itself dangerously. Children are the infamous example. Isn’t it bad enough that the beloved, with whom you have experienced genuine joy, will eventually be lost to you? Why add to this nightmare the child, whose loss, if it ever happened, would mean nothing less than your total annihilation? It should be noted that an equally dangerous joy, for many people, is the dog or the cat, relationships with animals being in some sense intensified by guaranteed finitude. You hope to leave this world before your child. You are quite certain your dog will leave before you do. Joy is such a human madness.

what new places did you visit?

too many to list, tbh. hong kong, where we visited my mom’s cousin and i nearly passed out from hiking up a mountain in 100-degree heat. columbus, ohio, where i saw the vvitch in theaters with a group of five people who will never spend time together again, after which we went to Raising Cane’s Chicken Fingers and talked in a particleboard booth for a couple hours before driving back to college. rocky mount, NC, where on election day in 2016 i frantically drove two voters to the polls and really really thought everything was going to turn out differently

what is an accomplishment you are proud of?

this is hard. i think i’ve become more self-aware and less self-centered over the last decade, but i don’t want to call that an accomplishment because i think the catalysts for those changes weren’t increased efforts at wisdom or nobility but rather just various forms of emotional or interpersonal damage.

my career is probably the best part of my life, but to be honest, i have a tough time saying i’m proud of any of my writing because i always want to forget i was involved with any of it. in retrospect it always feels alternately immature or pretentious, or in some other way critically flawed.

it makes me sad that i could list about fifty things that i’m ashamed of from this decade, but am grasping for one thing that brings me unqualified pride. i guess in many ways i feel that i’ve never meaningfully struggled, and in fact have fucked up over and over again, and so the idea of feeling pride rather than gratitude (or even like... you know, repentance) would basically be an act of narcissism. i know that’s not how this works, but wow, i’m feeling a lot at the end of this decade, and this is a lot of it.

ok. have sat on it for a couple hours. there’s a song i wrote in 2014 called Ohio, and that’s what i’m proud of. after five years i still think it’s a good song.

sending love to everyone for your new years and your goodbyes to the old years. :) <3

tagging @pkmndaisuki @uchihabat @mechanical-orange @tomriddlejr @thymoss @cocoartistwrites @captocie @goldentulips @ibuzoo @letter2hermione @muggleriddle and YOU if you would like to!

#about me #personal #long post #highly important text posts

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ghostsofmemories · 4 years

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Problems I’ve Been Having With Writing // How I Plan To Fix Them

Before reading this post, consider checking out the Teespring Shop with designs by myself and my friend Alexx, where 100% of the proceeds are donated to the Black Lives Matter organization.

It’s no secret that lately, working on my novel has been a struggle. I used to be able to write entire books with 80k+ words at 14, and now I’m struggling just to hit 10k in a project I’ve been working on for 3 months.

Some of this could be attributed to COVID-19, my crazy school schedule (with thankfully is over now), and my job. However, my main issues are with motivation, self-confidence, and remembering how prose works after over a year of writing only poetry. I did this under a cut because, well, it’s long.

Problem 1 - Motivation, Mental Illness, & Activism

Finding motivation these days is more than just difficult. As someone with chronic illness and also OCD, the urge to do things only when I’m feeling up to them and the desire to have a daily schedule (with writing included) are always at war, and neither of them winning. It’s impossible for me to do the same amount of work every day or week, but also hard to cope with the lack of stability.

On top of that, I’ve been trying using my platforms on social media to promote, donate to, and educate myself on the Black Lives Matter movement. As someone who uses social media (especially Tumblr, with its tagging system) to organize my thoughts on, and hold myself accountable for my writing, it becomes really difficult to manage both activism and writing on my social media - especially when the movements going on are more significant than what I have to say about my WIP.

The solution to both of these problems, as difficult as they are to manage, is finding balance. For OCD and chronic illness, I’m trying to figure out which parts of the day I’m feeling the most energized and motivated so I can schedule my writing around those chunks of time - which I think fall between 10am and 12pm.

For balancing activism and personal social media stuff, it’s a little more difficult. So far, I’m thinking the best way to deal with it is to link my main contribution to the movement so far (mine and Alexx’s Teespring shop) to all the posts that might lean on the personal/writing side, and continuing to uplift Black voices when they come across my dash, and actively seek them out when I have the energy to do so.

By no means will these completely solve the problems, but hopefully they’ll help me find time and energy to write when I can.

Problem 2 - Self-Confidence

Every writer has issues with not believing in themselves from time to time, but lately mine have become overwhelming. This could have something to do with the fact that I can hardly get words down in the first place. My mind has been very stubborn in allowing me to come up with words that flow in a narrative way, and I usually spend a lot longer on one or two sentences than I’d like to.

Similar with that issue, almost all of the writing I read is by, well, adults. Many of the writers I follow on Tumblr are also adults. I’m a month from seventeen, but I’ve always been told that I act or present as a lot older, so I guess I always expected my fiction writing would be as aged and confident as posts like this, my essays for school, and the research I put together for my own purposes. While my writing quality might read as a little older or more skilled than a sixteen year old, it still feels like it’s lacking in quality and like I haven’t progressed at all since my last novel (which directly ties into the next point, but I’ll get there in a minute).

The only way to get over this issue is to write and not stop because I think it’s bad. I know that. It’s easier said than done, of course, but I think that with time and a lot of forcing myself through is going to help.

Problem 3 - The Super Long Break I Took/Poetry

The last time I finished a novel was in December of 2018, so I’ve taken a break that lasted well over a year. I was still writing during this time, but it was pretty much all poetry, besides a few attempts that never got past a few pages and a WIP intro post (sorry about that, everyone).

Basically, I’ve forgotten how to write prose and storylines. That can be re-learned, though, which is why I’m sticking to OITW even though I’m beginning to realize I don’t love writing fantasy as much as I used to (I will still very gladly read it, though).

There’s another problem that came with that one, though, which sort of ties into my issues with confidence in my writing:

Poetry comes easily to me. I hear some novelists talking about their short ventures into poetry and how they would spend forever on a poem and how difficult it was, but that’s not what poetry is like for me. I grew up with my mom, my aunt, and for a short time my great grandma who were all poets. I was always exposed to poetry and felt a deep connection to it, which makes it simple (most of the time) to write.

Plus, due to the internet and me being me, I was exposed to the art of slam poetry when I was 13 (it’s something I daydream about, but my insecurities surrounding my stammer kind of stop me there. Plus I live in the middle of nowhere). Poetry is everything to me.

So you can imagine it’s a little frustrating that I can bust out a contest-winning poem in three minutes but struggle to write 200 words a week when I’ve been writing novels longer. This has honestly been one of the hardest parts of writing OITW - it’s harder than I expected it to be. The words don’t flow like they used to.

Combating this issue, while it’s taken a blow to my confidence, has actually been a little easier than I thought. I have to make myself write, of course, that one’s kind of obvious. But the one that I missed for so long was reading.

I’ve been reading almost nothing for the past year, minus a book I got for Christmas that, surprise surprise, got me inspired to write again. My best friend talked me into reading Carry On by Rainbow Rowell and not only is it awesome, I read the 500+ page book in under 48 hours. I can’t remember the last time I read a book that quick.

I’ve also been slowly making my way through A History Of Wolves by Emily Fridlund, but I think I need to re-start it because when I first started reading it, I was working a full time job, doing 5 classes for school, and struggling with my physical health (more than I usually am).

Reading isn’t going to make my prose read like water or anything, and neither are any of these other “solutions”. However, despite being a lot more easily said than done, I feel like they’re going to help. And let’s be real, I need all the help I can get.

Want to check out that shop but don’t want to scroll for a million years to get to it? Here it is again! We’ve raised over $100 for BLM and plan to continue selling these designs for donation indefinitely, unless we specifically take them down (though I can’t think of any reason we’d do that).

#writing #writing tips #writing advice #struggles #mental illness #writing with mental illness #oitw #writing problems #writing positivity

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lieblxng · 4 years

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I’m sorry I haven’t really been active recently. I have this blog free of my personal issues for many reasons, so I won’t go into any details. You can look below if you’re interested in the handful of details I’ll give in the cut. I’ll keep it short, but I suffered rather big emotional problems recently that took so much out of me. One of them, actually roleplay-related. I’m going to therapy, thankfully, and have been for over a year, and I have an amazing support system of wonderful people I love. Still, it’s really difficult for me to handle these issues, and it’s the most broken I’ve gotten in a long while.

I’m going to be a bit inactive because of these reasons (I need to be in the best mental state to roleplay, unfortunately–and I don’t want to tarnish the quality of my replies by just throwing stuff out when I’m not ready), so I apologize for that. Just know, I’m not leaving. I’m just starting to push myself in the FE and the Splatoon, but the Pokémon community is an incredible place I’ve grown attached to, surprisingly. I say surprisingly since I got anxiety attacks from seeing all these fancy blogs and long rules because I was all too used to the very chill Cookie Run RPC. I was worried I wouldn’t fit in, but when I came back from my hiatus in November, I’ve found so many roleplaying partners and even befriended some of them. I feel like I finally have a place in this community, and that I’m not a stranger. Pretty good for only a few months, huh? I’m entirely thankful for all the people who have given me chances and who have interacted with me. Even more thankful for those who have stayed and loved my interpretations!

I really mean it when I say roleplaying is for me to cope. I’ve been coping with it for, what, nine years? It’s something that I’ve gotten close to people from, and I’ve made unbelievable friends that I still have, years later. I even met my partner from these roleplays. It really is something that’s been helping me throughout all the chaos of my life in reality, and something I don’t know what I’d do without. So again, I want to thank everyone who has helped me and has had fun with me! I know it takes me forever to reply, but I value every roleplay I get and I don’t want to stop any of them. My motivation changes too infrequently to my own dismay, but I applaud those who don’t get angry at my low-attention span. Thank you! Now, below, will be the major reason for my sporadic activity that will involve personal issues (talking in heavy detail about abuse and a lot of it). Only go down there if you want to and if you’re able to handle such dark topics.

I will be vague as not to upset anyone–originally I was talking heavily of this, but I found it too graphic and too much of my vulnerable state being seen out in the open. I write this while my anxiety is attacking me, so that isn’t good either. Anyhow, I’ve been suffering all my life in an abusive household, physically and verbally. I remember my mother always insulting me harshly if I bothered her, hitting me as well. The worst of the emotional and physical abuse is from my older brother though. I dreaded whenever something bad happened, as he would always cause an entire fight for the family to get sucked into. Not just arguing, but full-on physical fighting. I remember trying to stand against my brother, and my mother was the only one to stop him from beating me into pieces. So much chaos, I can’t believe we’re still together.

Fortunately or not for me, I have the worst memory and I forget a lot that happens to me, but that doesn’t mean my feelings change easily. But at the same time, they do. I forget the bad things they do, I give them chances, something terrible happens. Rinse and repeat. This has been going on for years and years, and while the chaos has calmed down in a sense, it’s still an ongoing thing. I’ve developed anxiety and depression, so these things are even worse to me. I handle them better, yes, but at the same time, I’m more broken from it all. I can’t continue it anymore.

I’ve always wanted to move out of here, but as my mental health worsened over the years, so did my general performance. I was considered to AP classes when I was young and in school until I took such a heavy hit from everything. Then, I couldn’t even handle normal classes. I had the goal of going to college, to both better my life, and to finally be able to live without being with my family. However, now, I’m unable to due to how much I struggled. I would struggle even more in college and waste thousands of dollars doing so. It’s not worth it.

I can’t be here anymore. Fortunately, I’ve been asked to live with a friend of mine, though I was very unsure if I could, since my mother hangs like an overbearing hawk over me. I’m an adult, yet I have to ask to go to places. I have to write such an essay on who I’m going with. It’s downright irritating and demeaning. I’ve never been free until I recently started to hang with one of my friends from school. We drove in the night, even at 3 AM, doing what we pleased without even informing my mother of all the details. It was honestly the most fun I’ve ever had in my life, even if we were just screaming around like idiots. He’s the only one my mother trusts, but lately, my mother has been guilt-tripping me and accusing me of hating her and everyone in the family, all because I’ve been going to friend’s houses, and not inviting them over. Like, petty highschooler drama business, it’s really sad. She’s nearly 60 years old, and yet she still acts like that. I can’t invite anyone over in the place I hate the most. It’s a whole trip just getting the courage to ask, and it hurts to have shit thrown at me for it. I can’t even stand being here, so why would I bring people I love dearly to such a horrible place? I got an anxiety attack when my friend just entered my house to say hi to my mother a few weeks ago.

I’m going to get out of here, no matter what it takes. I hate this environment, it’s unhealthy for me and I’m not going to be my siblings who decide to stay despite everything bad. I finally got my ID recently (by my therapist; my mother would always say she would help me get it, but she never did–no matter how much I kept reminding her) and while it’s been difficult to find a job that doesn’t deal with Amazon or food (I have anxiety issues with fast-food chains, as my mom would always yell and insult the employees every time we went there), I need one so badly. I’m going to save much money as I can, so I can be prepared for moving out of this place. It’s hard for me to be so pro-self-care about myself, but I deserve better. No one deserves to be in such a toxic home. Hell, this place never felt home to me. I always looked forward to going to school to seek asylum, despite me being bullied there–anything was better than this house. Now that I’m grown and graduated, I don’t have that safe space anymore.

I’m going, whether she likes it or not. I’m going to talk about this to my friend when we next meet up, but I’m also going to take steps to get closer to achieving this goal from my therapist. I don’t even have to tell her I’m going, but I want to leave a message for her when I leave so she doesn’t hunt me down or say I’ve been kidnapped. My therapist said something to me that I’ve been trying to remind myself: I’m an adult, and I can do whatever I want, and I don’t have to ask permission from anyone or tell anyone what I’m doing. She has no legal ties to me since I was a ward of the state when I was a child, meaning she only had guardianship over me until I was 18. I’m nothing to her. I’m so afraid of making her upset or getting her angry at me, I nearly broke down mid-session at the thought of it. After all, I’ve been spending my years, hiding my real self away so I can blend in and not get myself killed in this place. It’s been damaging.

I feel like I’ve talked too much of this, but I did seal it off with a warning and a read more. I think I needed this though, I needed to let out my feelings out on a document. I wanted to sound more enthusiastic about leaving, so I apologize for that and talking so much about this. I will never talk about my personal life negatively again, and if I do, it’s something big. Just in case, I will be making a new tag (TW Personal), so if you don’t want to see this stuff, you can block the tag. Thank you, for whoever has read this far. You didn’t need to, but I’m ever appreciative and I admire how you could survive this heavy content. Take a rest if you can, alright? I love you!

#//IVE WROTE THREE PAGES OF THIS SHIT IM SO SORRY #TW Personal #TW Abuse #big boy anxiety | OOC #When I close my eyes lying next to you... | Updates #//heavy ass thoughts i guess #//sorry again for talking about personal stuff!!#//never was my intentions but i have a lot to say as of late #//thank you for reading!

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rhabakoli · 5 years

Text

Infinite White - 8

The text Fenja translates is the letter Gandalf writes about Aragorn (i think to Frodo? not sure rn), per @finnickfoxes request. And since I am a true dumbass, I actually translated it myself, instead of just look it up. But I like my version better anyway.

Previous chapters here.

Trigger warning: space talk. Anyone disagreeing with me will be blocked.

Taglist:@dreamwritesimagines @i-am-always-famished @marauderskeeper @superwolfchild-fan @thescarsweleave @cgn-99 @alicedopey @alwaysadreamingoptimist @atlas-of-the-world @finnickfoxes @rmwest9 (i’m just gonna tag u now, scream if you don’t want to)

“So, how’s his family? Did they suspect anything?”, Maeve asked. They were carrying their trays to their usual table, finally catching up with each others lifes.

“They are nice. A bit touchy. His uncle asked me if I know UNO, and then he kinda… welcomed me to the family?”, Fenja answered and then shrugged.

“They have quite a low standard to meet. They’d love you.” Maeve gave her a sour look, kicking at her. “You’re lucky my hands are full.” Her friend just grinned cheekily and dodged her half-assed attack. The mensa was filled with chatter, the sounds of dishes clattering and the occasional discussion escalating. “And did they say anything about your breakdown?” Maeve sat across her, cracking open her coke and taking a sip. “No, I don’t think they know.” Fenja halted, then looked up at her roommate. “Well, I think his mom might know. But she didn’t say anything.” Mave nodded and took a bite from her lunch. “That’s good, isn’t it?” Fenja shrugged, gaze focused on her plate. “As long as I don’t have to explain it to everyone, I’m fine.” “I think your man will be glad to do it for you, if you asked.” Fenja carefully tasted her soup, trying not to burn her tongue. Then, as she processed the words, she raised an eyebrow at Maeve. “Who?” “Ragnar.” “Ah.” She smacked her lips together, blissed out expression on her face. “Goddamn, that soup is delicious.” Suddenly, her spoon came up, pointing across the table, almost threatening. “Also, he’s not ‘my man’, where even did you get that from?” “He’s not?” “Nah.” Maeve shrugged, then ogled the bread on Fenja’s tray. “Can I have some?”

The lecture hall was packed, every single seat taken. Some poor souls were even sitting on the stairs, eager to listen in and maybe find some validation, and inspiration - who are we kidding, mainly they just wanted to hear that it would be worth it all and it’d get better. Fenja was sitting all the way up, last row, glad to even have found a seat. Half the literature department was here, some journalism majors too. “I heard she’s only doing this, because her husband is a Ragnarsson. Otherwise she’d never have gotten the spot.” Fenja scoffed, as she pulled out pen and paper, ready to take notes. Unfortunately, her neighbours heard her and turned. “You have something to say, honey?” Her eyes grew round, she twisted in her seat and shook her head. “No, sorry, I just misheard. I thought you said she only got the lecture because her husband’s a Ragnasson.” “Well, I did.” The guy leaned his forearm onto the back of his seat, his body angled towards her, chest puffed like a bird ready to dance. His friend mirrored him, twirling her thick long hair around her finger, smirking. “Which doesn’t make sense, to be honest. She’s been holding lectures and seminars even before she’d met him, so implying she’d need the help of a rich man is not only wrong, but also degrading to her, her achievements and other authors and writers that have made it by themselves.” He wanted to throw another comment in, probably just as entitled and ignorant as his first, when Fenja raised a hand to stop him. “I’m not interested in fumbled comebacks dragged from your misogynistic fathers mouth, so, let’s leave it be, yes?” “Listen, bitch-” “You better think of a new beginning for that sentence, because I can promise you this is not going to end well for you. I know for a fact that the dean is quite the feminist, and he does not tolerate such behaviour at all. I’d pull my head out of my bum, if I were you, because your view on the world is growing a bit old, don’t you think?” He opened and closed his mouth, looked like a fish on the dry, skin flushing. His friend was looking on with big eyes, absolutely shocked anyone would talk to him like that. “You will regret this-” He finally found his voice, anger radiating off him. Fenja sighed. “Listen, you educationally handicapped amoeba. I am not going to regret this, even if it gets me into trouble. Because I know for a fact, while I will have to sit through a serious conversation on properly handling my anger, you’ll have to face an angry dean about the way you view women and I bet you’ll get to go to a couple very educating lectures, which I doubt you’ll get credit for.” They now had enough, they were storming off, the girl tutting over him, while he almost rammed into Ragnar, who took a step to the side and watched them go. “Hey.” He gestured over his shoulder, into the direction the two asshats were fleeing. “What was that?” Fenja shrugged and sat properly, facing forward. Some of the professors were gathered by the podium, talking. She tried to get a good view, but a rather tall professor was in the way. Wait. She knew that back from somewhere. Also, that manbun beat her in UNO just last week. Ragnar sat next to her, typing away on his phone, when she poked him violently. He really felt that, even through the fluffy sweater he wore. Gods, did she have pointy fingers. He hastily grabbed her wrist, holding it so she couldn’t attack him again. “What?” “Is that your Uncle?” He followed her line of sight, chuckling. “Yep.” “What’s he doing here?” “He’s teaching, princess. He’s specialized on Viking history and Nordic religions.” He laughed at her face. Her mouth stood open, eyebrows raised and her breath left her with a silent “oh.” “By the way. Auntie asked me to tell you, that she’s in town all week, and I am supposed to drag you to dinner, so you can meet her.” Now, that really got her attention. “What?” She pointed down to the podium, where a small, dainty woman assumed position and straightened her papers. “You mean that auntie? The amazing, famous author/Journalist?” “Yep.” He’d really get himself bitch-slapped one day, if he continued to play down such important, impactful events. Fenja flailed in her seat, almost falling out of it. “You can’t just - what, I -” Ragnar caught her arm, pulling her back up like it was nothing. “Calm down. How about dinner this friday. Whole family will be there.” “Is that supposed to help me? In any way?”, she asked, her tone suggesting how it definitely did not help. “Bear too.” He grinned at her, chuckling at the speed at which her expression - her whole demeanor, really - shifted. “Okay.”

Down at the podium, Gala cleared her throat and welcomed them, introduced herself and explained why she was holding his lecture. Ragnar knew all of this, he had only come up here to deliver his aunts message. But Fenja was so cute, all attentive, eager to soak up whatever knowledge his aunt decided to share. How she sat there, focused, scribbling down notes and questions for later. She did it on seperate sheets, organized and thought-out. He watched her profile, let his eyes roam over her figure, how she was wrapped into a hoodie at least two sizes too big, how she had a foot up on the seat, and an arm wrapped around her knee, leaning into it. How she ran the flat of her thumb’s nail over her lower lip, - left, right, left again - lips slightly parted. He licked his lips, swallowing and then promptly snapped himself out of it. Shaking his head over his creepy staring and suddenly, uh… not-friendly mood, he turned to watch Gala talk about the struggles of writing, writer’s block and solutions that helped in her experience. The lecture took about an hour, with a Q&A session added. Here too, Fenja listened closely, checking questions already answered and noting them down. Ragnar caught himself staring again. He always had felt the need to kinda protect her, keep her close, in his arms, but- oh boy. Oooooh. He leaned back against the chair, crossed his arms and stubbornly stared ahead, until his aunt excused them and everyone was leaving. He’d have to talk to someone about this. Crap. Someone help him. He must have made a sound, because Fenja looked over, concern on her face. “Is everything okay?” “Yeah, I’m good.”

** “Okay, so, I’ve got some examples I need you to translate, please.” Ingrid laid down papers in front of Fenja and sat. “We’re gonna implement this in the program, we need to get clear on pronunciation and grammar and stuff.” Fenja looked down at the paper, then back at Ingrid. “That’s your example?” “Yep.” This whole family, for real. “Uh, you’re not gonna get accurate, actually used German that way, right?” It’s from Lord Of The Rings. The hell. “It’s not about that, it’s just an example, a start. It’s about the words, not what it means in context.” She nodded, then held her hand out for a pen. “You want me to do it on paper?”” Now it was Ingrids turn to shrug. “However you’d like, doesn’t make a big difference.”

It didn’t take Fenja too long to translate it, even when using old German, plush and polished words, to keep the feeling of the original. She caught Ingrid’s attention, as she put her pen down and leaned back in her chair. They were seated in the Ragnarsson library, spread all over the place with school stuff, research, Fenja’s papers for her essays and Ingrid’s paperwork for the Linguae Populi. “You wanna read it?”, the girl asked, and promptly put her chin into her hands, abandoning her work. “Sure.” Fenja cleared her throat and took a deep breath. In a sure, but soft tone, she read aloud:

“Nicht alles das Gold, funkelt; Nicht alle die wandern, verloren; Alt und stark nicht verdunkelt; Wurzeln in Tiefe nicht erfroren; Feuer aus Asche entsteht, wie Licht entspringt dem Schatten; Soll zerbarste Klinge nun heilen, Krone wieder auf Königs Haupte weilen.”

Fenja felt slightly uncomfortable under Ingrid's attentive gaze; she raked her fingers through her hair and looked down at the paper. “It's probably not perfect, and certainly not even close to the original translation, but I tried.” The girl stopped her immediately, waving a hand through the air and shaking her head adamantly. “no I'm sure it's absolutely fine.” “Sounded fine to me.”, Came from the door. “Dad!” Ingrid uncurled her legs, bound over to her father like a puppy and dove into his arms for a big old hug. “I didn't know you'd be home today! I thought you had a work trip to Ontario?” Ivar stroked his daughter's head as he looked down at her. “I sent your Uncle instead. Gala has some business there, so he'd have gone there anyway.” Piercing blue eyes fixed Fenja ij her seat, while Ingrid took her fathers free arm and pulled him over. “You speak german?” Fenja nodded, intimidated and shy. “My family came over during the war, and they never let anyone lose touch to their roots. They expect you to be fluent in german.” Ingrid pulled the paper with the translation over and showed him. “That's from Lord of the rings. She's a nerd.” “Then you must like her, no? Two peas in a pod?” He grinned playfully, his calm exterior and the way he bantered with his kid, put her at ease. He wasn't bad, in any way. He was just so… tall, and broad, and had this very hard and cold aura, if he wanted to. They talked for a while. Ivar asked her more about her family, if they came before the war, or if they lived through the harsh times there. Fenja tried to answer, even taught him a couple of words and phrases when he asked for it. Turns out, the big bad Ivar Ragnarsson was a very curious and eager-to-please puppy dog. Now it was obvious, where this part of Ragnar came from. Those two were so much alike.

Ragnar was minding his own business, concentrating on his work, as a body fell into the spot next to his and a phone was shoved into his face. “LOOK AT THIS!” He did. “What am I looking at?” Fenja grinned, eyes alight with excitement, her whole body vibrating with restless energy. “That's a photograph of a black hole!” She sounded so proud, you'd think she made it. Without having to prompt her, she started into an extended rant, explaining how and when, how big it was (very), and how she really wanted to go visit it (so damn much), and how it looked like Sauron’s eye (It really did, wow), and ‘what if there is some kind of alternate universe where hobbits exist and the black hole is actually a way to go there, or to look into other universes?!’ “You want to visit a black hole.” “Yep.” “You think it’s a way to an alternate Hobbit universe?” “Yep.” Ragnars eyes were skipping over her face, taking in the scrunched nose as she smiled, the tousled hair from her run over, the healthy color of her face, the twinkle in her eyes. She was so cute, this excited. So open, so warm. It was a glimpse of how she could have been, if her parents had survived; she'd be way less inclined to shut others out. He also noticed how close she was. Her arm was wrapped around his biceps, her front pressed into his side as she leaned against him, essentially hugging his arm, while she was still holding the phone up, her elbow on the desk in front of him, his forearm trapped under hers. “You’re crazy.”, he shook his head. “That’s my best personality trait, that are you talking about?” “But I’m coming with you. No way you’re gonna survive there. Either you’ll eat yourself to death, or you set one foot there and collide with some monster.” “It’s settled then.” She let go of his arm, laid her own arms and head on the table, face towards him. “Now the only things left are contact with aliens and society’s realization regarding Pluto’s wrong degradation from planet status.” Ragnar knew better than to dive into that discussion. She was very passionate about space. Instead, he plucked a hair hanging from her lashes. “But what if there are no aliens?” Okay, he was weak. Don’t judge. Fenja groaned, but didn’t move much. “People who honestly believe that we are the only ones out there, are either very stupid, ignorant, or just plain scared. I can respect scared cucumbers, because that means on some level at least they agree that we can’t be alone, that’s just not logical.”

They fell into a comfortable pattern, Fenja ranting, Ragnar working. Sometimes it was the other way around, sometimes it was almost completely silent between the two of them. It was like a bubble, a safe haven on campus. Other students usually tended to avoid the two of them, because rants could happen just about any time, and those two got really passionate, including flailing arms and sometimes even thrown pens. So, their table was a corner-table, but other than them, there were no others in close vicinity.

No one wanted to be part of… whatever they had.

Part 9

#Infinite White #IW #foh #faint of heart AU #slow burn #Ivars kids #vikings

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thesilverrqueen · 5 years

Text

[28]

I was tagged by the awesome @anagraves! Sorry that it took me so long to do it, but it’s finally here!

1. how tall are you?

167 cm i think... or 166 cm. i don’t know i should check it out soon lol .

2. what color and style is your hair?

I’m a natural dark brunnete. I always kept my wavy hair very long, especially this year and i seriously need to cut them. Even though medium hair length suits me better i refuse to cut them. I don’t style my hair because i lack the skills, so i leave them down to my waist.

3. what color are your eyes?

Grey blue.

4. do you wear glasses?

Yes! I wear glasses since i was 8 and my myopia is TOO high.

5. do you wear braces?

Yes i used to, for 2 years during primary school.

6. what is your fashion style?

Casual i guess?I’m very simple and during winter i’m bored XD I prefer summer because i love shorts and tops! I wear many fandom/movie t shirts and basic colours. On a good occasion i may put a little effort wearing a pair of hoops and a lipistick.

7. full name?

Sophia... and that’s all you need to know XD.

8. when were you born?

May 15,2001..

9. where are you from and where do you live now?

I was born in a town from Greece and i still live there.

10. what school do you go to?

A regular high school which is practically over.

11. what kind of student are you?

I consider myself to be a good student, especially in language courses ( ancient greek, latin,essays etc) and i fail miserably at mathematics and physics. Even though i have to say ,if i try , i can be more than decent to these subjects. I’m just bored.

12. do you like school?

Right now, no i hate it, i just want it to be over and move on to university.

13. what are your favorite school subjects?

I like literature, modern greek and english. But at this phase because i’m always studying i despise everything lol

14. favorite TV shows?

Well, despite the horrible ending, Game of Thrones will always be my favourite tv show( for now). From season 1 until season 8 episode 3 i loved everything about it. I would like to pretend the rest of the season doesn’t exist, and move on. My favourite characters ( and my OTP Jonerys)will always have a special place in my heart.

Peaky Blinders is my second favourite tv show, i love it! Thomas Shelby is so dark, yet who can NOT love him? Loved every season, i hope season 5 delivers too.

Stranger things is nice, i liked season 1 very much, but not that much the second season. I’m not that excited for season 3 but i hope it surprises me plesantly!

It would be unfair if i didn’t include Glee! I started watching it when i was like 12, i hold on so many beautiful memories from this show even though it is long over. Seasons 1-3 were AMAZING! I need to rewatch them soon.

Honorable mention : Skam! The original of course. I don’t usually like high school tv shows any more but i found it realistic and had cool and iconic characters!

Shows that i started enthusiastically but stopped watching because they dissapoinnted me:Vikings,Pretty Little Liars,13 reasons why etc

15. favorite movies?

They are SO many! I will make a make top 10 list for some of them:

1. Pan’s Labyrinth

2. The Shining

3. Black Swan

4.Perfume: The story of murderer

5.La la land

6. A clockwork orange

7. Rosemary’s baby

8. 2001 : A space odyssey

9.Schindler’s List

10. The godfather part 1 and 2 ( i consider them one film)

I could write a really long list but i decided to stop at 10 lol

16. favorite books?

My favourite book is ‘’Lolita’.Highly contoversial but it’s such a well written book and reading this i understood what is beautiful literature. I mean look at the opening! So beautiful! : “Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul.[...] She was Lo, plain Lo, in the morning, standing four feet ten in one sock. She was Lola in slacks. She was Dolly at school. She was Dolores on the dotted line. But in my arms she was always Lolita.”

Just keep in mind that this is NOT a love story but a twisted dark fantasy from a pervent who basically destroyed a young girls life.Okay i stop here, i just love this book so much. Other books :

A Song of Ice and Fire series. I don’t know if i want to read ADWD now, but they are excellent books. Also the World of Ice and Fire is hands down, BRILLIANT and the illustrations captivating.

The hunchback of notre dame. I can read again and again and not get tired of it.

Me Before You. Read it twice and cried twice like a baby. Heart warming. Same comment to the beautiful Light between the oceans.

17. favorite pastime?

Watching movies and tv shows. Sometimes writing crappy things. Going to the cinema.

18. do you have any regrets?

Yes but i try not to , and look to the future.

19. dream job?

A film journalist or a screenwriter. Anything related to the movie industry.

20. would you like to get married someday?

I don’t know. I would like to live the epic love story and have someone who will love me uncoditionally. Okay and after that i woke up and stayed forever alone. (probably)

21. would you like to have kids someday?

Yes, but iam too young to be that sure.

23. do you like shopping?

It depends. If we go 1-2 hours ( maximum) shopping and then go to the bookstore or somewhere to eat , then i love it lol

24. what countries have you visited?

None. But i hope to, in the future.

25. what’s the scariest nightmare you’ve ever had?

Can’t rememeber right now because my brain deletes unpleasant memories i guess XD

26. do you have any enemies? There are some people with whom I share a mutual dislike, but enemies.. No? Maybe one. Idk.

27. do you have an s/o?

Nope.

28. do you believe in miracles?

It depends. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.. ( my answer does not make any sense i know haha)

I’m tagging: @eleincanti @taestasha @fordaenerys @gleek-runner @mamadragon-daenerys @mar7tha @khalasass and anyone who wants to do it!

#personal #tag game #tagging #get to know me #tumblr games

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