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crabbunch · 1 year

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“Scar!” Cub rushes into the room. Scar gasps loudly and falls backwards off of the balcony, dying on impact. “Oh. My bad, dude.”

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” Scar says, getting up from a nearby bed. “It’s not the first time that’s happened today.”

“Yeah. Anyways, did you vote for me?” Cub asks.

“Vote for you- oh! For the tumblr sexy-ma-doodle thing!” Scar says, gathering up his stuff. “Not yet! I’ll get on that right now.”

“It’s really close right now,” Cub says. “I think I can pull ahead, but it won’t be easy.”

“I don’t know what the masses are thinking!” Scar complains. “I mean, I know I’m sexy, but can’t they see your appeal? Don’t they know the power of the Convex?”

“You should make a calendar with both of us on it,” Cub suggests.

“Shirtless?” Scar checks.

“Shirtless,” Cub confirms.

“Yeah, okay,” Scar grins. “Hot Guy… Cute Guy… you can be Sexy Guy, I guess.”

“Sexy Man,” Cub corrects. “Tumblr Sexyman.”

“That doesn’t roll off the tongue at all!” Scar complained.

“It’s what I’m going for,” Cub smirks. “How quickly do you think you can get that calendar printed.”

Scar pulls off his shirt and out a camera. “You had me at ‘you should make a calendar with both of us on it.’”

- - -

“ETHO!” Bdubs shouts, landing face-first into the luscious, green, beautiful jungle grass. “WE’RE IN A TUMBLRMAN SEXY- AH- A TUMBLR SEXYMAN COMPETETION!!!”

“Oh snappers,” Etho murmurs, closing his shulker box and turning to look at Bdubs. “Wait, what-?”

“I voted for you, of course,” Bdubs says, holding up his phone to show Etho the bracket. “You’re winning by a landslide.”

“A tumblr sexyman competition?” Etho repeats, eyes darting between Bdubs and the bracket. “Like- a tumblr competition?”

“Yeah,” Bdubs grinned. “They love us.”

“That’s the place- is that where the- you made a tumblr account?” Etho asks, sitting on the shulker.

“Well, of course!” Bdubs brags. “I had to vote for us! Cleo, too, she’s doing good. She’s the one who told me about this in the first place, actually.”

“Oh,” Etho says. “Oh.”

“You’re winning,” Bdubs says again. “I voted for you.”

“I’m not making a tumblr account,” Etho folds his arms.

“Aw- come on, man! I voted for you, it’s only fair that you vote for me!” Bdubs whines.

“Nope,” Etho repeats. “Not on your life, Bdouble0.”

“Fine,” Bdubs says, pulling his phone out again. “I’m gonna rally the troops, though. I’m gonna make sure you win.”

“Wait, no, don’t-” Etho begged, but it was too late. Bdubs was flying off to who-knows-where to convince the masses to vote for Etho.

- - -

“Tango,” Zedaph says, frowning at his phone. “Are you-”

“Yeah,” Tango smirks. “I’m sweeping.”

“Oh, come on!” Zedaph whined. “Impulse-”

“I’m beating Fwip,” Impulse says.

“Jeez!” Zedaph throws his hands in the air. “Is it not enough to wear a catmaid outfit? Is it not enough to put catmaid pillows in my merch shop? It’s not my fault none of my fans made me a How Bad Can I Be animatic.”

“What’re you even upset about?” Tango teases. “Aren’t you crushing Schlatt?”

“I was,” Zedaph pouts. “The people rallied against me. Did you know Schlatt wears a suit? I should have worn a suit. I should have…”

“Oh, look at this!” Impulse pulls up the poll on his own phone. “You’re not loosing that badly.”

“I’m not sweeping,” Zedaph complains. “I’m not even winning! This is disgraceful.”

“To be fair, Schlatt is a pretty typical sexyman,” Tango says. “I’m surprised he didn’t get more nominations.”

“Fwip’s sexy!” Zedaph points at Impulse accusingly. “He’s a vampire, and Impulse is still obliterating him!”

Impulse shrugs. “No one’s campaigning for him.”

“Why’d they have to campaign against me,” Zedaph wails. “I’m sexy! I’m hot! I deserve this!”

“...there, there,” Tango reaches over to pat him on the back. “This is more of a popularity contest than anything.”

“That's not better!” Zedaph groaned. “The hermit fans practically rule the polls, and I’m loosing to SCHLATT?”

- - -

“I can’t believe this!” Iskal complained. “I’m loosing to this- this upstart! This young ‘un! Why’s he favorite to win?”

“You’re not even a man,” Stress giggles. “I don’t think-”

“I’m a man sometimes! And besides, I was their first example for a good sexyman!” Iskall whines. “I can’t believe this! I can’t believe it!”

“Oh, quiet your trap,” Stress laughs. “You’re perfectly sexy.”

“I know!” Iskall says. “I just need the masses to realize it…”

“You could try campaigning?” Stress suggests. “Everyone who’s talked about it or posted about it has been pretty successful.”

“Naw,” Iskall sighs. “I wanna win fair and square. Campaigning’s cheating in my book.”

“Everyone’s doing it, love,” Stress points out.

“It’s the principle of the matter,” Iskall shakes her head. “I can’t believe this.”

- - -

“Joe,” Cleo says, looking down at her phone. “Do you think we’re going to meet each other in the bracket?”

“Well,” Joe peeks over their shoulder to look at the bracket. “I’d say there’s a good possibility of it.”

“I won’t be voting for you,” Cleo says immediately. “I mean, sorry, but. Well. You know how it is.”

“I do,” Joe agrees.

“I’m doing a violence already,” Cleo giggles. “I’m destroying Zloy.”

“Oh, really?” Joe asks. “By how much?”

“Ninety percent,” Cleo brags.

“Oh, darn, me too,” Joe sighs. “I was going to rub it in your face if mine was higher, and conveniently forget to mention mine if it was lower.”

“I wouldn’t have let you do that,” Cleo says fondly.

“Yeah, but I would have tried,” Joe smiles back.

“I’m gonna beat you into the ground,” Cleo smirks.

“I don’t know about that,” Joe hums. “I’ve got a good campaign going. There’s a lot of users saying that you’re ‘too traditionally sexy.’”

Cleo scoffs. “This is a glorified popularity contest. It has nothing to do with actual sexyman merit.”

“Well, maybe I’m more popular than you,” Joe sticks his tongue out at her. “I’ve been campaigning.”

“We’ll see,” Cleo says. “We’ll see.”

- - -

“Come on…” Grian mutteres, watching the percent of votes between Mumbo and Grumbot wiggle back and forth.

“Father,” Grumbot beeps. “Please let me make an account. I need to vote for Better Dad.”

“No,” Grian snaps. “You’re not 13 yet.”

“No one will know!” Grumbot protests. “We can lie!”

“It’s about the principle of the matter!” Grian scowls. “We can’t commit voter fraud. It won’t be a real victory then.”

“I would commit voter fraud for Mumbo,” Grumbot mutters.

“I know, Grumbot.”

“I would kill to let Mumbo win,” Grumbot says.

“I know, Grumbot.”

“I could kill Scar,” Grumbot muses. “Everyone says he’s favorite to win.”

“He’ll still win if he’s dead.” Grian points out. “There’s a few- not everyone on here is alive. Or even real. Schlatt died years ago and he’s putting up a good fight. Mumbo’s doing fine. He’s beating you.”

“Good,” Grumbot beeps. “I’ll kill anyone who votes for me.”

Grian pauses. “Now there’s an idea. We’d have to kill them before they voted, of course, but that one’s got some real merit to it…”

- - -

“Jimmy,” Scott sings. “They love me.”

Jimmy looks up at him, eyeliner smudged. “They pity me.”

“I’m gonna wiiin,” Scott brags.

“They called me a wet paper bag!” Jimmy cries. “I’m winning, but not because they think I’m sexy! They just- they just-”

“...” Scott raised an eyebrow.

“Okay, they think I’m a little sexy,” Jimmy admits. “But only because I’m pathetic. That doesn’t count!”

“Take what you can get, Jimmy,” Scott says. “It won’t last long.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jimmy sighs and pulls out his phone. “I just- Scott, what’s this job you’ve done on the tags? It’s kind of cringe.”

“That’s one of my tactics,” Scott grins. “They love pathetic men on tumblr. I’m totally going to sweep you.”

- - -

“Oooh, Lizzie, I can’t wait to get curbstomped by you next round,” Joel says, lounging on a cat bed.

“I can’t wait to curbstomp you next round!” Lizzie crows. “Oooh, I’m a fish-cat-lady, and I’m so sexy!”

“No, that’s kind of my thing,” Joel sniffs. “...people are saying I’m trying too hard.”

“Well, you are,” Lizzie points out. “No one’s going to take you seriously if you go around announcing how sexy and tall and lore you are.”

“Oh, but it works,” Joel says. “I’m super tall now and everyone loves me.”

“I’m still going to sweep,” Lizzie smiles.

“Oh, yeah, absolutely,” Joel agrees.

- - -

“You know,” Connor says, sipping a bottle of vanilla. “The syndicate’s doing pretty good in the tumblr sexyman competition.”

“What are you talking about,” Techno replies, biting into a potato.

“Me and Niki might drop out this round,” Connor continues. “But you and Ranboo and Phil… you’ll keep going, I think.”

“What?” Niki wrinkles her nose. “What do you mean?”

“No, no, I get it,” Techno nods slowly. “I wouldn’t have known, I’m not on tumblr.”

“What’s tumblr?” Ranboo whispers to Phil.

“Mate, you have an account, you of all people should be in on this,” Phil whispers back. “You need to start campaigning, you’re barely beating Xornorth.”

“What,” Ranboo says.

- - -

“Aw sick I’m starting to beat Iskal in the tumblr sexyman bracket,” Quackity says, and doesn’t say anything else because he is annihilated by a nuclear bomb.

#mcytblr sexyman #i guess #idk where this came from but you're welcome. i think #i am not tagging everyone here #hermitcraft #empires #dsmp #yeah thats good

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