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player1064 · 2 months

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accidentally outing themselves on live tv? dunno how or if anyone else at sky knows but it’s something they’d do providing some images from the carraville discord that we were talking about yesterday

god they WOULD end up accidentally outing themselves bc they already can't keep their hands to themselves imagine how much worse they would be.......... I shudder to think............

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“I’m here pitchside with Gary Neville –“

“—Carragher were meant to be joinin’ us, but he’s late getting up from London.”

“Yes, quite. I’m sure he’ll be arriving soon. In the meantime – Gary, what are your thoughts on United’s starting line-up tonight?”

Gary is nodding along to something Kelly is saying when his attention suddenly shifts to something off camera. He rolls his eyes as Jamie comes crashing in, bag slid halfway down his shoulders, seemingly unaware of the producer holding his earpiece who’s trying to get his attention.

“Sorry, love,” he says as he hurries up to Gary, immediately stepping into his personal space. He ducks his head down to press their lips together in a quick greeting before he continues, “there was a crash on the M6 or summat, a whole section of the road was closed off. Bloody nightmare, I’m tellin’ ya.”

As he talks, he doesn’t seem to notice Gary��s wide eyed stare, the blush rising in his cheeks, or Kelly clamping a hand to her mouth while her shoulders shake in laughter.

Gary tries his best to compose himself and turns to the camera with an expression caught between terror and amusement, and he says “well, now that Jamie’s very kindly provided us all with a traffic update I think it’s time for us to hear from our colleagues in the studio.” When the light of the camera turns off, he reaches out to give Jamie a slap round the back of the head and hisses “live television, James, how many years’ve you been doin’ this again?”

“Wha?” Jamie looks over, already surrounded by a small hoard of tech people and a make-up artists trying to get him camera ready as quickly as they can.

“Oh my God,” Gary mutters, pinching his brow. “Jamie, you dolt, you just kissed me in front of our live audience of what – a million people?”

“I never,” Jamie says with an offended glare, far too confident for someone who definitely fucking did.

“Oh my God,” Gary repeats. “You don’t believe me? Check your fucking phone.”

“You don’t even get Sky Sports in America, Philip, how have you already seen it?”

“Tray sent it to me, it’s all over Twitter.”

“Oh, well that’s just great then in’t it?” Gary huffs. At Jamie’s questioning look, he repeats “it’s all over Twitter, apparently.”

For a moment Jamie looks almost proud that he’s a trending topic, but he shuts his expression down when he sees Gary’s glare and turns back to his own phone call (“no, Ma, I –”)

“I just don’t understand why you didn’t tell me, Gaz,” Philip whines down the phone. “I tell you everythin’”

“An’ I keep askin’ you not to tell me everythin’! Isn’t a man entitled to a little privacy?”

Group: STF Gang NO PARENTS > Jill: who had money on it being Jamie cos I’m pretty sure I’d said Gary > Roy: I think we all said Gary > Ian: statistically it was most likely to be Gary. > Ian: but Roy said it’d be while they’re covering a match so I think he wins it > Jill: :(((

(24 new messages)

Stevie G: > you’re trending on twitter what have you done now > NEVIlLE??? Carra have some self respect

J Redknapp: > you melt 😂 > everyone in the studio is running around panicking rn

MO: > did everyone know except me?? > you’re shite at texting I didn’t even know you had a boyfriend > I didn’t even know you liked men? > Gaz is nice though we should all go for drinks sometime

(57 new messages)

Scholesy: > twat why didnt u tell me > u was moaning about him just last week

Philip MU mob: > you hung up before I could say but proud of you Gaz!

Roy Keane MU mob: > does this mean we’re allowed to tease you two about it on camera now > here if you need anything > [image: a blurry, blank-faced selfie with a thumbs up]

BIG MEEKS: > you could do better 🙄😉

#made myself laugh writing roys texts tbh. im so obsessed with the fact that he just sends people selfies as a way to end the conversation #carraville #drabbles #also yes micah saved his own number into garys phone in this scenario. clearly.

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fibi-draws · 1 year

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the only complaint i have about the mario movie is that there was NO okie-dokie's. not ONE single okie-dokie to be found. there were at least 3 lets-a-go, did anyone think about replying okie-dokie? not one person said okie or dokie all movie.

mid movie 5/10

#im clearly joking im obsessed with this movie kahdkahd i was sad about the lack of okie-dokies tho thats not a joke #the super mario bros movie #super mario bros #the super mario bros 2023 #the super mario bros movie spoilers #kinda #shitpost on my art account?? yes

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hsmtmtsjoefrankie · 7 months

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I love how Frankie said it's their life, like singular

#they're a team #they're one #i know it's not news they're together and happy and in love but it's always so mindblowing to me #and every single little thing they say about them is making me scream #they're so casual about everything after 4 freaking years together and im still here freaking out over tiny details #like when joe said they hope to have the rehearsal room piano in the house someday and it will stay with them forever #im not over it #im obsessed clearly even more than i was few months before #so if anyone wants to scream with me or at me to chill for goodness sake hit me up #frankie rodriguez #joe serafini #joe and frankie #seblos #yes im still rewatching nail painting parties if anyone's been wondering

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widevibratobitch · 2 months

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moments like this when im really glad im a sad little cynic who always considers the worst possible outcome and never lets herself truly get comfortable and trust the good things in her life to stay there and builds her life around trying to soften the blows of the eventual disappointments just waiting around the corner lol never leaving my edgy teenager era peace and love

#i mean if the alternative is whatever the fuck is going on with my best friend rn then hooooo boy #cancelling therapy immediately i never want to change i wanna keep my trust issues forever and ever if its gonna save me from THIS #is he a dick? kinda. yeah. and a coward because if dude was sure he didnt want it since AUGUST and didnt have the guts to end it till now #actually he didnt end it. she was the one who finally snapped. but we seriously fought twice before because she just woudlnt listen #when i said that girl this isnt gonna work and you trust him too much and you're attachment styles are incompatible as hell #your*#but nvm. the least you could do when a 7 years younger girl who's clearly obsessed with you is breaking up with you #cause she just cant take it anymore. and you can see she's still in love with you because you've been lying to her for half a year.#imo the least you could do at that point is just. dont tell her that jfc. just say you're sorry it didnt work out etc etc #dont fucking tell her you stopped being in love with her in fucking august #and just 'didnt know how to end it' and lied when she asked if everything's alright #like my god. yes ig this would never have happened if she hadn't trusted him so completely and expected love to fix her whole life #but jesus dude. she's not even 23 she has a right to be naive. you're almost 30. you DONT get to be a man child anymore #christ. okay.#anyway i wish i could help her but telling her to 'trust less' and 'never truly rely on other people' sounds horrible and cringe and edgy af #but i genuinely dont have any other advice #like babygirl im sorry but your bestie is a piece of human garbage and she's doing the best she can but her best is Not Much alas

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jynxlovesluck · 1 year

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Kim Dokja is autistic, in this essay I will-

#clearly I just have to speed run my trauma to win #obvious #No but fr im right #orv manhwa #orv kim dokja #autism #No because he's clearly been stated not to show a lot of emotions (yes Blah Blah fourth wall. He got hit directly by his HS bully #and then was like )#He was obsessed with the same novel for ten years straight and has it pretty damn well memorized #(blah blah trauma. Have you considered im also traumatized autistic and have done the same thing with content that has FAR less Material)#Also everyone always comments on how fake he is. Its called masking bro #(i am looking directly at the webtoon NTs for this specific #especially when they start saying at the beginning they dislike Dokja and assume he doesn't care about anyone at all #when really?#Dokja ESPECIALLY when you know his past is going beyond for people he barely knows and he starts treasuring not only their lives #but their ability to survive. Just because it's not (to you) doesn't mean he doesn't care #and just because someone's primary thing for sense of Self is to put their own ambitions and #the ambitions and goals of their loved ones first instead of keeping up a moral high ground #doesn't make them someone who doesn't care nor isn't a reason to say they are incapable of care)#and im right ✌️

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cornleypolytechnicgoeswrong · 2 years

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I finally compiled my masterlist of mmni quotes

It's pretty long so it's below the cut

Lasers and Quasars

“I really think they shouldn't have a thing for brooms. I think it's unfortunate that our movie hinges on them having a broom fetish”

I Found it in the Bushes

“Sean, I'm Keith. Sean. Sean. Sean.”

“The actor playing the vampire is now openly laughing at the guy playing igor.”

“Yes dad.”

“I'm reminding myself. Sean.”

“Dad, Keith.”

“Yes. Thats me I'm Keith you're Sean.”

“I'm Sean you're Keith.”

“Yes”

“You're the fireman.”

“I've come to the conclusion that it is infact a fire and you should put it out. Good day.”

“The firemen in Versailles don't put out the fires themselves?”

“I'm just Piecing together to story of petunia. So she was a woman who did not believe in vampires but died at the hands of a vampire which meant that Keith delivered his life to try to kill a vampire but seconds before she died - of a vampire - he divorced her.”

“Nope, they're not allowed to.”

Who Bun It

“Are you alright? Your beak fell off your face. Must you possibly see a doctor.”

Flat Pack Attack

“May I have a moment alone with the boy?”

“What I like about Steve is only 2 seconds ago he was called ben.”

“No need to be angry, no need to grieve. Hello, Steve.”

“Of course I'll be upstairs preparing my finger.”

“It's Ben.”

“You look like you could use some advice well I'll tell you something extra special nice.”

“You have a feeling like the tightening of a sphincter. well that's probably just the feeling of amygdala”

“Theres a jar of preserves inside me. That's right I must get it out as fast as I can the only way I know how. I'm gonna use some of these things at the IKEA store to get it out of myself.”

“That was Delta Von Tassle: The Man With No Name (Self-managed).

From Russia with Gloves

“You've surely got a family koala. You could go away with them. You're such a good friend of mine.”

“Koalas are polygamous y'know... Polyamorous”

“You want to drive a speedboat to the amazon?”

“I love the full body glove, makes you're whole body look like hand and I like big hand.”

“I do”

“It'll take all bloody week”

“Sometimes I've wondered about slipping a hand in your pouch but then I've thought no, don't - resist”

“You are a useless man but you're damn fast on Expedia and I appreciate that.”

“Yes I've thought the same thing about you.”

“Im so sorry Georgina. You said they would all be adopted and looked after but instead they've been stuffed full of drugs and slit ear to ear. I don't know what to say really.”

“Together we got rid of the glove and now I'm ready for some interspecies love”

“It doesn't bother you that I'm all skin and no fluff....or a bit of fluff.”

A Cat in the Habit

“No, you don't have horses in america do you?”

“I love the moment where sister Penelope really thinks this scene has ended and the camera will cut away from me but then she is answered by God.”

“I've seen you up at that convent, riding around on your horse with your top off, all oiled up.”

“No no only camels”

“She's teaching me about how to be a person in the world. How to love somebody else. No matter who you are.”

“You know I like to be smooth dad.”

“How to do erotic drawings of men.”

“God can do all of that son.”

“Yes, God not massively known for his eroticism in his artwork”

“Celeste is it? I can smell you a mile off. Named after the sky but stinking of hell.”

“Perhaps instead of the harpoons, we could read scriptures from the ok! Magazine and pray for her.”

“You may try your harpoons but it will not work if you've a rogue nun on your hands.”

“Katie Price breaks up with her latest boyfriend”

“Victoria Beckham redecorates her kitchen”

“Pregnancies....galore”

Careless Whisper

“Well you know often these things first time round are tricky. Maybe you just need to give it another go. You know what they say, give things another go.”

“Listen I know you're my special special special boy”

“That's what they always say.”

“I'm 4 specials and nothing more.”

Dressed for Danger

“I must be alone with each and every one of you.”

“Do you need thin translucent cloth that is almost completely pointless? Well then you need muslin cloth”

“And if you must do that then you've gotta find us first cause we do that via the game of hide and seek.”

“OK 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1″

“Tony I see you behind the umbrella”

“Damn it you're good!”

“I know. I am French.”

“Yes you are moist and sad from crying”

“I am afraid you are in the midst of a murderer”

“This is not case closed. This is case wide open, like a clam.”

“I'm in the midst of a murder?!”

“Murderer!”

“In the - you are - as in -”

“I'm in the midst of a murderer?”

“No you are like-you are standing in the same room as a murderer.”

“There's a murderer in the midst?!”

“I am going to do scene 2 of the show. Celia opens the show and now you will show me what came next. And by showing me what came next, you will show me what went before.”

“Yes. Your midst! In our midst!”

A Cop in the Ocean

“I never stopped being dastardly in general did I?”

“Oh my god, a clown with a Squeegee”

“I guess not boss”

“No I just continued to be moist and dastardly but what I wanna do is get a whole crew of girlscouts fiddlin' cookies all over the good part of town.”

“Do a blood test on them and a urine test and you'll find blood in their system. Blood and- and drugs.”

“I can whip up some girl scouts for fiddling if you want that boss.”

High Tide School

“Kids have the spirit of a thousand... Enlightened Buddhists”

Suicide Squid

“I just believe fish shouldn't make people rich”

“Their horrid squid outward is my horrid squid inward.”

“Some people wanna be rich. Some people want fame. But others just wanna kill fish.”

“You were hurt, you were lost, so you killed all the fish. We've all been there.”

“It’s too late for us we are outward squid”

Now Museum Now You Don’t

“Don't try anything boys. My teeth are faster than a nun’s nugget”

“My teeth are definitely faster. Your nugget is essentially stationary.”

“Never try to take revenge on a small bitter man when its gone past his bedtime cause he will just make you go ‘shlum’ for 15 minutes”

“I'm not who I was and you are who you were”

Light Over the Rocks

“You know what they say, you know what I say your father he just-he just rubbed the rock and roll right out of me he ruined rock and roll for me forever when he ran off and left you and I and you and I, you”

“Us”

“Us that's the word I was looking for, us.”

“Y’know what they say about Oranges... They never stop being juicy. And that's why my hair is orange so I'm always juicy y'know what I mean. I've always been like this. Y'know what they say about lights... They're bright and they burn”

“Ooh dear oh dear oh dear. That's how it always goes down at the open mic night. Some people get recognised. Some people get left behind. But what do I know, I'm just Chesney Hawkes.”

The Quest for Escape a Lot

“How did you know my one weakness was nets Arthur?”

“Everyone's weakness is nets, tim. That's why they're called nets. It stands for not easily traversible.”

“What about the s?”

“System. Not easily traversible system.”

Look Out

“I only ever picked up sticks because I loved you. But now I'm scared. I'm scared, without any sticks, I'll have nothing. I won't be the same man I was before”

“Paul there is always a stick. The stick within Paul. Don't you know about it? Think about it, it runs all the way from your head to the bottom bit of the spine thing”

Enter the Elephant

“Well you know what they say about cockneys. Fly pluckers, the lot of em.”

“The Young one is foolish. Only a rash man snatches ovaries at a fight."

Love Behind Bars

“Yes you did your tax things and I did that thing where I stole... Hair... From the hairdressers... The floor...i took all the hair no one even wants that y'know”

“I know and here we are on the maximum security wing in prison”

“In what way is good mental health like a walnut latte? Like that-no! You can't just have a song and jig enough that it all makes sense. The next verse explains from a scientific point of view. How a walnut latte and mental health are in any way alike.”

“You know what, I always find walnuts so romantic. The way they look like a tiny brain. It makes me think of my brain connecting with your brain.”

“Well it makes perfect sense because, which camera are we on, okay you know I'm gonna explain this scientifically cause if you get a walnut and you like the taste of the walnut and it gives you endorphins which actually improves your mental health so if you're eating the walnut then you make your mental health better that's how a walnut oat milk latte improves your mental health”

Temple of the Red Giraffe

“I’m giving you the jewels”

“I thought you were burning my breasts off”

“No its a common mistake but I wasn't”

Nightmare on Bone Street

“You taught your dog to laugh?”

“pride comes before a fall remember”

“Yes he understands the rhythm of comedy very well.”

“yes but I don't believe in gravity”

“A wardrobe a wardrobe my kingdom for a wardrobe.”

“The lead less dog stops licking out the cream from that dead man. For God's sake get off the floor.”

Wishing for Wishy Washy

“I know most girls want ponies not a horrible sick old horse like me”

“Look at that horrible horse!”

“I've got an udder and I don't know why.”

When the narrative gets tough everyone else deserts Harry Kershaw to allow him to carry on on his own

“Congratulations on your womb”

Fraud of the Blings

“I've made the rope sentient.. Hello!?”

“You've given us our sense of purpose back. You've made us make sense again.” [just something Jonathan said that made me emotional]

“Help me I am a sentient rope. I have knowledge. For the first time I have knowledge. HELP ME! WHAT AM I WHAT AM I WHAT AM I WHY MUST THE ROPE EXIST. WHY DO I DANGLE SO?”

Over the Henge

“Yes, I remember our young days, days where we were young, young before we were old but after we were very young. We were young men not knowkng where to go. But we went there, then we came back from there. We were just young of course. Not old, young. Soon to be young - old. Soon to be old.”

“You do speak a tremendous amount of bollocks sir”

“As all kings must”

The Hound of the Wensleydales

“I was stuffed with a cheese puffed”

“Did cheese Radio just call him a ball bag? I think cheese radio needs to remember that this is a family show.”

“Yeah she's dead and it would appear The method of murder was cheese puffed”

Popes on the Ropes

“Vampires v popes that's how it's always been in the WWE.”

“Always and forever since BC”

“It's an old, old profession.”

“Popes were around BC?”

“That's right.”

“Yeah we were real forward thinking then.”

“All dinosaurs work for the catholic church”

“We knew it was coming.”

Zoomania

“We've got 8 minutes left and we've got story strands everywhere! We've got the elephant with a bomb on about to be dropped onto the earth, they’ve become gangsters about to kill people and our lead characters are frozen still.”

“Who's the tortoise pervert”

Singing in the Aisles

“Asda is a wizard it would seem”

A Dice with Death

“It is an unusual form of ventriloqy to begin with your mouth wider than when you were speaking yourself”

“It was all building nicely but now all of a sudden we found out that one of them is a cloud.”

“I’ve got my own show. I disappear into another man's box every night, I get confused, I don't know where I am, and then bang I'm in a curtain call”

“I am dissipating. Someone sprayed me with silver nitrate.”

“I am an elemental creature we cannot be together. Our children would be half human half vapour they would not survive.”

“No, I don't even know what that means!”

“It dissipates clouds.”

“What?”

“you need to know more advanced chemistry.”

“He's still putting his trust in the mass proposing ventriloquist”

“I don't think I do.”

Star Paws

“Of course the world needs intelligence but I'll tell you what else it needs, balls.”

“Which you come with many”

“I bring balls in spades not literally”

“Sir you can't keep your balls in the cupboard anymore you'll have to take them back”

“There we are”

“Did he just put his balls back on? So he's literally a man who has lots of testicles that's what's going on there.”

Angstronauts

“You make sure that this ship is ship shape ready.”

“Ribena shareth? Yee.”

“I was gonna touch your hand but then I thought it would be horrible cause they're so sweaty.”

“It's always in the shape of a ship.”

“Mine are like pickled clams.”

If it Wasn't for Those Pesky Kids

“It's unusual to blackmail someone during a press conference”

Abandoned Love

“I don't know what's weirder, that they didnt book or that the hats belonged to the premises”

“That's jazz.”

Good Guys Finish Last

“I convinced Dec that he should actually do the double act with a real ant but um...he said no. And that was a good call.”

“I am the sea! Deeper than a thousand lakes, wider than 10 lakes, sideways greater in measurement Than 40 lakes. I am the sea.”

“He ain't no friend of yours. He's been using you like toothpaste. Well it's time the toothpaste became the toothpastee”

Ipswitch it up

“These people with their newfangled things, internet, cars! I tell you what, I was very happy with the flip phone and a horse.”

Croydonosaurus

“That man-ladybird has been the only thing that I've had in my life the last 5 years that has made me feel again. It's why I'm so competitive with my daughter about love.”

“That doesn't seem healthy. Bringing a 6 foot ladybird into the family home.”

“I suppose it's about a 1 all right now.”

Back to the Tutor

“Nana you don't think my old friends will think it's weird or strange that my date is my grandma do you?”

“Before we went out to do this with a new team the one thing we said was let's keep it simple at the start. Already we have a half car assembled by a woman who is also the radio. Hold on tight everyone.”

“It's not weird or strange at all to have your - such a lovely busty lady as your date”

“No you're right. It's wasn't so much the busty as the grandma that I was worried about.”

Pier Today Gone Tomorrow

“You take a grudge and you nurture it like a small cat.”

No. No I don't think she's the strange one in this. It was the parrot, the sleeping bag man and the medieval princess in a tiktok office interviewing for the role of 'friend' they are the strange things! A woman trying to turn over a new leaf - that's pretty regular I'd say.

“What has happened. It was all going really well, I thought this was going to be a quick scene where we saw it was really hard for Mirabel to turn over a new leaf, but she puts some glasses on, suddenly everything changed and now she's meeting the mayor, the princess and a small gentleman in a sleeping bag.”

The Man Who Came in from the Cold Storage

“As we are in east London I got you some olives served on a bin lid with turmeric as requested.”

“You double killed Samson”

“Right,it's very very important - never thought I'd say this one - it's very important we don't shoot an unborn baby during the matinee. I think that's like, a theatre rule. If it isn't, it should be.”

“I don't care about Samson. His pool was tiny and not chlorinated.”

“But his heart was big and also not chlorinated.”

Fielding of Dreams

“Enjoying the fact that this is our life! There ain't no ups but there sure as heck ain't no downs. And that's fine with me.”

“I said one domesticated sheep. There's a flock of them. Ones a policeperson, ones a miserable old woman called Mabel and one appears to be smoking.”

“This really is the story of a child called felix who settled.”

Fire In the Hole

“A woman with independence is as strong as an oxen full of iron and a fire full of oxygen is as strong as that woman”

It's up to you, Newark Newark

“Here's a newark hotdog. It's made entirely of meat. Meat bun, meat dog, meat onions.”

“Here are the 4 horsemen. You are the apocalypse.”

“Dog meat?”

“Your old 15 year old hips can't handle it anymore.

“No no comma, meat, dog”

Ah I take olive oil every day.

Cause you have to. We just produce it naturally.”

“They see! We don't see. We don't see the pooing. I'm sorry I forgot about I forgot about the pooing. Pooing? Outrageous. That stops. That stops now and she goes somewhere private. But it's awful. And of course jiminys dad, is David really going to be proud of them now?”

“The books have gone away. How awful. They threw a family of books into the famous Newark River. He knows what it's like to have his mum kicked into outer space. That's how dark this gets, that's how dark sports get man.”

“Gillian wait - wooahhh”

“Susan quickly-”

“We gotta help we need to just- wooahha”

[general screaming and shouting]

“PAUSE. PAUSE. PAUSE. NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! I SAY NO!I CANT HANDLE THIS. I'M GETTING LIGHTHEADED CAUSE I AM SO DISGUSTED WITH THIS FILM AND THE PEOPLE IN IT. BUT OF COURSE THEY STOP FALLING OVER IN IT NOW RIGHT.”

“Gillian Gillian come on inside the medical tent.”

“And these were these were the highlights from day one at the games I mean I think it's fair to say that the Olympic games have been well and truly soiled in reputation. What an awful thing to happen”

Ashopocalypse Now

“My names Jack I'm a car mechanic and I've lost my companion”

“Control yourself Sybill Peacock Penis”

“Thank you for that précis”

“Who are you? Can you give me a précis of you?”

“I'm Jolene my husband is a slightly crazed military man who seems to have lost perspective on real human connection. Then there's a man whose actually a woman. There's a happy birthday prophecy. They're searching for me but I've lost them but mostly I'm looking for my daughter who loves Jane Austen and she got lost in a Waterstones I think she may also be somewhere else so that's who looking for.”

“It's time! For... Other characters.”

“We come from quite different worlds.”

Ashopocalypse Next

“Remembering when morrisons wasn't boarded up. People could go inside and-”

“Look at the fresh vegetables.”

“This sample isn't going to be enough to create an antidote. We're going to need all of your blood.”

“Moderately fresh yes.”

“All the brilliant characters we had and all we're left with is a guy who can't remember which character he is unless his peacock penis is out. I don't care anymore. Family friendly? I don't care anymore. We stop tomorrow. We stop tomorrow that's it. In for a penny in for a pound. Get your peacock penis out as much as you want. If you're not gonna try and stop it I'm not either. [...] what are you all applauding? Are you that culture starved that an umbrella penis gives you that much joy? What has happened to civilisation??”

“One second we'll - we'll need to get authorisation from the local council for that.”

Ashopocalypse Then

“You're one of those weird people aren't you?”

“Nothing weird about us. I'm simply a man who gets involuntary erections and this is Andrew Garfield”

“I'm a pigeon”

“Dressed as a Pigeon.”

The Day Harry Got Cut in Half

[Not a quote just a note that Lauren does a Scottish accent for 90% of her characters in mmni but the one time the film is actually set in Scotland she ends up doing a welsh accent.]

“Pray don't be fickle. Pray she won't be no pickle.”

#tag yourself #im 'Yes you are moist and sad from crying #or 'oh my god a clown with a squeegee'#obsessed with all of the suicide squid quotes tbh #I love how certain movies just have way more than others #like they were clearly just going off on one for that hour #there's definitely some important life advice and mottos in here - 'I just believe fish shouldn't make people rich'#and 'only a rash man snatches ovaries at a fight'#are definitely being incorporated into my moral codes #im obsessed with the pure unfiltered wisdom that comes from improv like this is humanity at its finest #anyway this post was brought to you by my inability to not note down every quote that makes me laugh #I would fully recommend doing that tho tbh I have a great time going back through my notes pages of things my friends have said #or quotes from things I've watched #anyway hope this is fun add your own if there's any I didn't include that you love #mischief movie night in #mischief theatre #mmni #mischief comedy #the goes wrong show

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astorically · 2 years

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translation: “i just saved him, why did you attack him again?”

i think they could be jianghu’s #1 comedy duo if the universe let it happen

[ID: Digital art of Wen Kexing and Ye Xiaoxiao from Word of Honor and Ancient Detective, respectively. They are standing together, with Wen Kexing holding his fan up to cover the both of them. The image is meant to mimic a film still, with the background of the street out of focus, and with black bars at the top and bottom. At the bottom, a subtitle reads, “我刚刚才救了他，你干嘛又去打他呢?” /End ID]

#this is sooooo niche n only like for. me specifically but like yes. so true me #ancient detective #wen kexing #ye xiaoxiao #shan he ling #no but like. think about it you have this surgeon who apparently has some kind of moral code but you have no idea what it is #bc clearly he doesnt mind killing Sometimes but other times hes like lying is such a bore and also im a doctor i dont kill <3 #and then you have mr ghost king i will do anything lol but also is . incredibly dramatic about it #where ye xiaoxiao is like. kind of quiet stoic demeanour but definitely has a sense of humour. anyway yes comedy duo them.#im just obsessed w them <3 #word of honor

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justagaycryptid · 2 years

Text

Frothing at the mouth when I realize there are a lot of parallels between Wkm and Marble Hornets

#this is what happens when I have two obsessions at once #I manage to conflate the two in my head #but yeah I thought about it too much and realized that Alex and Actor Mark are actually very similar #Actor Mark is just more obnoxious and presents himself with more grandeur #and easy parallels could be drawn between the operator and the entity #and dark is sorta reminiscent of tim #tho wilford doesn't really have a parallel in here unless you would count totheark/Brian #since he is sorta operating outside of the rules of the game that Tim/Jay and Alex are playing #sorta playing chess with everyone else without them realizing they're even on the board #but Wilford doesn't really have that sort of forethought nor is he manipulative in any sort of manner #likewise Jay doesn't really have a parallel unless you want to count us as the viewer #which would make sense since Marble Hornets is shot in first person with Jay behind the camera for most of the series #and much like the viewer in the mcu #Jay is trying to take the information presented to him and piece it together into the whole story #also Jay and us both get shot in the stomach and die lmao #okay never mind I changed my mind Jay is our parallel which works for me since I personally always related to Jay #Wilf still doesn't have one tho thats fine since these are two VERY different pieces of media #but tentatively I could place him as Brian since it would work with the relationship between Dark/WIlf #since there is clearly some time of relationship between the masked man and the hooded man #no Im not calling them masky and hoodie those are stupid ass names yes im pretentious fuck you /lh #so realistically it could work #is there even anyone else who is a fan of both Marble Hornets and the Markiplier Cinematic Universe #like I mean I'm sure there is #but like is there?#markiplier

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misfortunegirl · 9 months

Text

anyone who is inlove with me 👉👈

#Im sorry im having a bad episode rn and am most likely going to be embarrassed but oh well. i need validation.#also im like mostly aware nobody gives a rats ass about me on here but . still.#theres like a tiny part of me that wishes theres a person on here that actually cares about me very deeply thoufh they dont show it #but also i get anxious when i remember that literally anyone can access my crazy ramblings.😀#/⁠╲⁠/⁠\⁠╭⁠(⁠•⁠‿⁠•⁠)⁠╮⁠/⁠\⁠╱⁠\#finak thoughts for now HOPEFULLY: if youre like me . listen to your intuition. its never been wrong for me. yes i feel crazy and paranoid #but guess what i am also? always right. so. yeah. if something feels off its because it is. ☝️ stop beinf a dumb bitch like me and ignoring #your intuition. dont be like me please. ive been aware about so many things way before they happened but always disregarded my suspicions #bitch my suspicions have never been wrong. those whove made me out a crazy paranoid bitch. EAT SHIT.#anywho anywho. if something feels off and wrong. its cause it is off and wrong. people cant be trusted ever. most suck . truthfully.#see this is why therapy doesnt work for me. unless ive written thoughts like these down these revelations come and go on ther own and in th #meantime im as dumb as a rock!!!! because i literally forget everything that ever happens to me #anyways. the verdict is. i need someone who is obsessed with me so that i can be obsessed with them without being made out to be crazy😌#i cant love normally because at the end of the day nothing about me is normal.#im unsatisfied because normal life doesn't fit me.#normal life is made for normal and sane people. not for weird bitches like me who share their delusional ramblings on Toomblr dot com.#thats actually a sort of. calming realization. im constantly trying to fit into the mold of a normal person #when clearly im not. ive neverbeen. ive turned out this way because everyone ostracized me for not being like them #well. suddenly i feel better. dont get me wrong i still hope theres at leasr one person on here whois madly inlove with me🥶#but yeag. im jughead coded at the end of the day. Riverdale writers found outt about me and were like lets makes jughead based on her is #no “is” .sorry #based off on actually. i know english well i swear

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isimpoveryou · 2 months

Text

lestappen x sargeant!reader

fc: sabrina carpenter

{𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓} {previous part} {next part}

lovingf1wags

liked by y/ndailyupdates and 256,829 others

lovingwags singer and actress y/n sargeant, twim sister of logan sargeant and also the alledge girlfriend of a ferrari driver charles leclerc or a redbull driver max verstappen just arrived at the miami gp paddock.

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user01 Y/N WAG ERA?!

user02 AHHHHHHHHHH

user03 wait so who's her boyfriend? max or charles then?

user04 thats what we are trying to find bc both driver has been flirting with her under her post

user05 can be both honestly 😝

user04 @user05 y/n about to make lestappen a real deal

user06 @user05 if i was y/n i'd date both ngl

user07 let's see who's more downbad max or charles

user08 spoiler elert both of them are

yoursecondaccount stories

[HE'S CUTER IRL WHAT THE FUCKKKK] [charles 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 also he took a lot of pictures of me will post that soon]

babyolivia replied

TEAM LESTAPPEN

both at once 😋😋😋

graycoma replied

all two at once?! is this where you got your nonsense inspiration?

LMAOOOOO

i wish

williamsracing stories

[new admin reveal @/yourinstagram] [we can see clearly who's the better twin] [ ALBONOOOOOOOO I love lily more]

y/ndailyupdates

liked by charles_leclerc and 86,729 others

y/ndailyupdates Y/n today in the paddock greeting her fans 🥺🫶

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user01 SHE'S SO PRETTY LIKE WHAT THE FUCK

user02 LOL WHAT IS CHARLES DOING IN THE LIKES

y/ndailyupdates IM IN SHOCK RN BC HE FOLLOWS TOO

user03 mans down bad for y/n

user04 get me someone thats obsessed with me like how charles is obsessed with y/n

user05 I MET HERR THEREEE

y/ndailyupdates REALLY?!?!?

user05 YESSS!! she was so sweet and we talked a lot about her album and i asked her if there will be tours and she said yes!!! we also traded friendship bracelets. charles and max were behind a bit far away but they were watching over her.

*pretend thats both max and charles in the pict

yoursecondaccount

liked by babyolivia and 87 others

yoursecondaccount welp...

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graycoma i cant- 😭😭😭😭😭

yoursecondaccount DJJDJXXJJXJJS

graycoma so... how big?

babyolivia CONAN?!

graycoma WHATTTT?!?!?

yoursecondaccount I CANTTTTT 😭😭😭

babyolivia THIS IS WHY DONT DRINK TO MUCH

yoursecondaccount i was at a party?!??! HELLOOOO?!?!?

babyolivia we need a operation talk once you get back to LA

graycoma AGREED

yoursecondaccount Fineeee

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strawberries-and-summer-days · 3 months

Text

"The Dare"

Pairing: Show!Luke Castellan x demeter!fem!reader

Summary: You and luke have been best friends forever but after the incident things have been awkward between the two of you. Until you're forced to spend the night together...

Contains: percabeth, angst?? (i think? idk bro), swearing, fluff, kissing, ONE FUCKING BED TROPE

Word Count: 2223 did i get carried away? yes.

A/N: Im back bitches! yes i disappeared there lol, but i've resurfaced with my luke obsession (its never going to end). i've always had a small obsession with living in buses and so from that came this. i have little to no idea what im writing here im going off a random idea while half sleep deprived :)

You roll your eyes and grumble as you follow Annabeth out of the apartment.

"This is stupid," you groan. "I'm serious. Are we really going through with this shit dare?"

Annabeth just smirks, shaking her head. "Yes, y/n. We're not going to be chickens and back out," she turns around and eyes you. "It's one night, besides, Percy and I will be there."

You roll your eyes and grip the strap of your bag a little harder. One night with Luke Castellan? After the incident? No way. Nuh uh. You'd rather step on a lego than that.

"Annabeth," you groan.

"Y/n," she looks back with a dead serious look. "I will drag you there if I have to."

"It's a bus!" you almost shriek, but noticing the few people who turn their heads at you, you quiet down and pocket your apartment keys. "I'm serious. Where'd they even find a damn bus? It's a bus!"

"I know!" Annabeth grins, clearly ignoring your bad mood. "I've never stayed in a bus before. This is going to be so cool!"

"Who the fuck hires a bus out to live in?" you grumble clearly pissed.

"Percy-fucking-jackson- that's who," a voice in the distance yells. You look up and fight the wave of panic that overcomes you when you see Luke and Percy walking towards you both.

"I found the two best buses in the area!" Percy announces dropping his bag at his feet. Luke stands just behind him with a forced smile on his face.

"Wait two?" you ask suddenly, your face scrunching up.

"Yeah four of us couldn't fit in one so I hired two out," he says. "The guy was really chill about it and they're parked right next to each other!"

The cab pulls up and all four of you clamber in. Percy in the front, Luke, you and Annabeth in the back. Annabeth being squished between you and Luke.

"this fucking bet," you mutter to yourself, trying to ignore the palpable tension in the cab.

Luke was basically sweating through his t-shirt. He was so glad to have a sweater on, covering his nervousness.

When the four of you had arrived at the bus guys house two pieces of news reached him. One; that while buses look big, they can't fit more than two people. Two; he was going to be sharing a bus with y/n.

Y/n.

The girl he's been desperately in love with since the day she showed up at camp.

This was either going to be really bad, or really bad. He sighs as he picks his bag and climbs into the bus you're both staying in.

It's got a nice crisp, white interior with flashes of wood throughout it. Luke drops the bag on the sofa that runs along the edge of the bus meeting with the kitchen counter.

He sighs when he hears you enter the bus. You awkwardly shuffle past him and put your bag on the bed. The bed. There is only one bed.

Motherfu-

"Y/n!" Annabeth calls out to you climbing inside and dragging you out. "They have connecting rooftop decks!" she cries and pulls herself up onto the ladder. Chattering to herself about how cool this place is, and even though you can't help it you let a smile slip onto your face.

You think you see something inside the bus but it's just Luke's back.

Sighing you clamber on behind her trying your very best to forget the fact that there is ONE BED. ONE BED. Oh gods. You smirk seeing Annabeths cheeks turn bright red when Percy whispers in her ear.

"Am I interrupting anything?" you laugh when you see her whip her head around and blush even more.

"So have you changed your mind about the buses?" Percy eyes you.

You roll your eyes and move your shoulders in what you think is a half shrug but it just ends up making you look like you're trying to do a weird dance move.

"Ahh, so you think it's a dance worthy bus?"

"No that's not what I meant-" you start but Percy jumps up and starts to shimmy.

"I'm actually gonna push you off this roof," you mutter when a presence comes up behind you. You feel the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. It's him. You suck in a breath and force a smile.

"So what's for dinner?"

Three hours later you are all sprawled out in Percy and Annabeth's bus with boxes of pizza and containers of blue ice cream (courtesy of Percy, thank you) around you all.

"I'm not getting up ever again," Percy groans from his spot over the table next to Luke.

"Well, to make sure Percy dies in peace let's play truth or dare!" Annabeth smirks.

"No!" you and Luke both burst out at the same time.

"Relax, babies," Annabeth teases, and pats Percy on the head before groaning and pulling herself up off the seat. "I'm not going to put you through all that again," she says, picking up the boxes and putting them in the small bin.

The tension in the room suddenly increased. And you swore you could hear a pin drop. Silence descended and you slowly peel yourself off the seat. "I'm gonna go."

You slip out of the bus breathing in the night air trying your best to not blush.

Luke watches as you walk out of the bus and groans when he sees Percy and Annabeth's knowing looks.

"You couldn't be cool about it could you?" Percy asks Annabeth.

"What?" she shoots him a look. "They've got to get over it sometime! It's Luke and y/n. They're best friends. I feel like a grandma helping the two bozos get over whatever happened that day. Nobody even knows what happened!"

Luke sighs and collects himself. "Right I'll leave you two, and go deal with this incredibly awkward night by myself."

Annabeth starts to say something but Luke cuts her off. "I swear to god Annabeth! Please don't make this worse than it already is, I'm trying my very best to not focus on the fact that its weird between y/n. So please, please don't say anything to her that'll scare her off. I want to talk to her first."

Annabeth just smirks and nods pushing you out of the bus as Percy wraps an arm around her waist. "Of course lover-boy."

Luke rolls his eyes and walks over to his bus and clambers inside, shutting the door and locking it behind him. He makes his way over to the back of the bus.

You're sitting on the bed on top of the covers, in beach themed pj's (thank you again Percy) and playing with a small flower crown you'd made. Luke falters slightly when he sees you. You look so calm and at peace that he can't help the small smile that slips onto his lips.

Luke has been trying his very best to talk to you ever since the incident a few weeks ago - when this dare was made - but you've been avoiding him, scampering off whenever he tries to talk to you.

You still haven't noticed him and a bright grin lights up your face when you add some daisies to the crown. Luke's heart warms and he clears his turning around to dig in his bag for sleeping clothes.

Your eyes shoot up and your smile wavers. "Hey," your voice is meek. "Do you... uh want," you clear your throat. "Uh... um, which side of the bed do you want"

Luke spins around. "Uh, I'll take the couch. Don't worry about it."

You sigh, stifling your nerves. "Luke, it's a bench seat with padding. Just choose a side of the bed."

Panic flits into his eyes and you're reminded of the way he acted the night of the incident. It's been rocky ground ever since then and you've avoided him as much as you can. Being hopelessly in love with the Luke Castellan is clearly not an easy task.

"Choose Luke."

Luke nods to the left side of the bed and you move over letting him sit on the edge of the bed. His presence calming you while at the same time putting you on edge.

"G'night Luke," you mumble and he smiles at the sleepiness of your voice. "But don't you dare come on my side of the bed."

The first thing you notice when you wake up is that you're warm. It's cozy and you just want to snuggle into the warmth more.

The second thing is that you're lying on top of Luke's arm. If you roll to the right you'll fall off the bed and if you roll to the left you roll into him. Him, Luke. The reason you're so warm right now.

Pulling yourself up you try to move away from him but his arm wraps around your waist and you freeze. "No stay, sunflower," he mutters in a sleepy daze.

Sunflower. Luke hasn't called you that in a long time and it always makes your insides melt.

"Sunflower?" you whisper and Luke's head whips up.

"Y/n?" he says softly.

"Luke?" you whisper back.

"What are we doing?" he asks, noticing his arms around your waist and the fact that you haven't instantly pulled away.

You look up at him. His dark curly hair tousled by sleep and the focused look in his eyes making you very tempted to stay like this forever. But remembering the night of the incident you pull away and clamber out of the bed, cheeks flushing.

"Y/n," your name comes out of his mouth almost tortured.

You ignore him and continue to walk down to where the drapes aren't shut, peaking out to see if Percy and Annabeth are awake yet. And judging by the fact that it's first light.

A blanket wraps around your shoulders. You turn your head to see Luke standing there- shit, he's shirtless. Your eyes trail down his body in a daze. Woah.

Holy Shit.

Now you've seen him shirtless before, but this, this feels more personal somehow. You look up at him, an amused smirk gracing his lips.

"I'm going up onto the deck to watch the sunrise," you say, not looking at him. "Let me know when Annabeth and Percy are awake so I can get out of this dump."

You open the door and climb on to the roof deck, dragging the comforter up with you because yes, as much as you want to be all tough shit and all its freezing and you want the damn warmth - besides it smells like Luke as well.

Luke follows you outside after he puts a shirt on and plops down on the deck next to you. Without even thinking about it you open the comforter for him and he wraps it around himself as well.

"Sunflower, we need to talk."

Here it comes. The inevitable rejection.

"Okay," your voice is small.

"About that night..." he starts trailing off.

"Look," you cut him off, wanting to save yourself the embarrassment. "You don't have to say anything. I get it. That night I kinda jumped on you and I'm sorry. I get it, you were on the spot and then I started acting really weird. But I get it. You don't feel the sa-"

You feel a kiss press gently onto the corner of your lips. What? Pulling back you look at him in shock. "No, please don't humor me on this Luke." A lump forms in your throat.

"Humor you?" Luke asks, puzzled. "Sunflower, I'm not humoring you. I'm serious. That night... I freaked out, I was so surprised when you told me that you liked me, that I froze. Hearing the one thing I'd been dreaming about for years, shocked me," he looks at you, his eyes full of adoration.

"So you don't hate me?" you ask.

"Hate you? No Sunflower, I love you."

Your eyes flit up to his and in the few seconds you take to try and think of something to say Luke presses his lips to yours, pulling you close. You gasp and meet his lips with force.

Luke wraps his arms around your waist, laying you down on the deck, him hovering above you not breaking the kiss once. You wrap your arms around his neck and part your lips, moaning when he slips his tongue inside your mouth. The comforter, forgotten beside you both.

Luke kisses you as if he's never seen the sun before and you are the bright beams shining on the earth for the first time. He kisses you adoringly and groans when you slip your tongue into his mouth. He gently bites your lip and pulls back, gasping for air.

"I love you, Luke," you heave catching your breath. Luke's face breaks into a grin and he presses a soft kiss on the end of your nose.

"Love you, Sunflower."

"Love you, Luke."

He sits you up and wraps the comforter around you both. Resting your head on Luke's shoulder you settle in next to him wrapping an arm around his waist. You swear you can hear Annabeth and Percy cheering in their bus.

"I'm gonna kill them," you mutter.

"I got some ideas," he chuckles back.

#luke castellan #percy jackson #luke castellan x you #luke castellan x y/n #luke castellan x reader #luke castellan x fem!reader #luke castellan fic #luke castellan pjo #percy jackson fanfic #percy jackson fic #fanfic #fanfiction #emma writes ₊˚⊹⋆

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rafeandonlyrafe · 3 days

Text

sunny

words: 500

warnings: soft!rafe, established relationship, childhood stuffed animal, mentions of sex but no smut

“wait!” you gasp, suddenly pulling away from the kiss.

“what, what is it?” the worry is evident on rafes face as his eyes widen, not sure what he did wrong. maybe it was all moving too fast for you.

“i-um.” your hands splay against the door behind you, the same door rafe pushed you against and captured your lips. “i need to move some stuff in my room before you come in.”

rafe rolls his eyes. “i don't care if it's messy.”

“it's just some um… personal stuff.” you giggle awkwardly.

“come on baby, you're my girlfriend now.” rafe knows it's probably nothing, but there's something inside of him that's desperate to know what you're attempting to hide, to learn all your secrets.

“fine, but if you make fun of me rafe cameron-” you hold a finger up to his face. “i won't break up with you but ill be very pissed.

“no laughing, got it.” rafe nods.

you sigh and open the door behind you, letting rafe step past you into the room. his eyes sweep over the floor, expecting to see something embarrassing, but there's only a bit of clothes tossed around.

he shifts focus to your desk next, but it just has perfectly organized makeup. he looks at your bed last, a smile stretching across his face.

“i said no laughing!”

“im not laughing baby, this is so cute.” he coos out, stepping closer as he picks up the teddy bear, clearly old and well loved.

“be careful!” you squeal without even meaning to, rushing to stand next to rafe as he holds your childhood teddy.

“what's his name?” rafe asks.

“sunny.” you reply, pointing at the small embroidered patch in the shape of a sun, now faded to a pale yellow.

“this is what you didn't want me to see? baby, this is so cute. do you still sleep with sunny every night?”

“maybe…” you mumble. you don't take him on trips anymore like you did as a child, but he'll always have a place in your bed until he literally disintegrates.

“adorable.” rafe carefully sets the teddy bear down before turning to you, placing his hands on your cheeks. “you're the cutest.”

you roll your eyes. “i said no making fun of me.”

rafe shakes his head. “baby, it really is adorable.”

you furrow your brows, looking intensely at rafe, waiting for him to burst out laughing, but it never comes.

“you're seriously not making fun of me.” you hum out.

“in case you weren't aware by me asking you out, im kinda obsessed with everything you do.” rafe chuckles softly. “it's adorable, you're adorable.”

rafe glances at sunny, sat smiling on your bed, his brown fur carefully brushed through to keep it from matting. “but we should turn him the other direction when we have sex. it feels wrong.”

“oh, i got it!” you pick sunny up and move to your closet, opening it to reveal a small chair fit for a baby as you place him on it and shut the door.

“perfect.” rafe smiles. “now should we get back to what we were doing?”

you nod rapidly. “yes, absolutely.”

sfw taglist: @juniebugg @bejeweledreverie @ladyinbl00d

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fangisms · 8 months

Note

If you take requests can you write a fic about draco wanting the reader's attention all day but someone or something something always getting in the way ? Bonus if he gets a lil moody about it too

(Feel free to ignore if a bother tho ♡) :)

bellyaching

A/N: you GUYS i cranked this out in an afternoon, do u understand im OBSESSED with moody draco

Pairings: Draco Malfoy x Fem!Reader

Summary: Draco is desperate for your attention, and desperate times call for desperate Slytherins. 1.1k words

Warnings: fluff, very very minor boy angst, slytherin behavior, moody/dramatic draco, established relationship

“Babe.”

It’s hushed, Draco doesn’t want to catch Flitwick’s attention while trying to grab yours. But it’s not easy when you’re seated in the row in front of him, and he’s desperately leaning over his workspace to reach you.

“Baby,” he mumbles, and you glance over your shoulder with a start. Then, smiling, you wave, and he’s soothed for just a moment. You turn back around and he’s practically pouting. He taps your shoulder with the paper rose he had so painstakingly folded for you. He’s got the paper cuts to prove it.

Draco taps your shoulder with the stem. You turn your head and hold one finger to your lips. You shushed him. You shushed him. He settles back in his seat, arms folded over his chest, wilted paper rose forgotten on his desk.

…

After class, you’re walking beside him, arm happily tucked within his as he escorts you to your Advanced Mythology lesson. Though he’s feeling a little deflated, having you near makes him feel better. And realizing that you’ve got a few minutes to spare before next class, he pulls you to the side of the hall, abandoning his friends to walk ahead.

Tucked beneath one of the awnings, he holds your books beneath his arm and pulls you closer.

“Draco!” you yelp, resisting his onslaught of hurried kisses, “We have class, remember? It’s that thing we are required to attend five days a week? We learn a lot of subjects? Sometimes they give us lunch hour—?”

“We’ll have plenty of time to get to class,” he huffs, pecking your bottom lip and the apple of your cheek.

“Draco, you’ve been late to nearly all of your classes because of—”

“Not because of you. I am solely responsible for my tardiness—ow!” You pinch his side and giggle when he slumps into your shoulder—“‘S not fair you’re so kissable.”

You roll your eyes and press your lips to the side of his sad face, “fine. You can have one kiss. Make it quick.”

At that, Draco perks up. You playfully pucker your lips, and as he leans in—You’ve got to be kidding.

“There you are! Come on, we’ve only got five minutes to get to class, and I’d rather not be forced to polish anymore silver!” Pansy grabs you by the crook of your elbow, dragging you out into hall. You wave at Draco and quickly catch up with Pansy.

For Merlin’s sake, is he not allowed one moment alone with his beloved.

…

The rest of the day goes just as smooth. As in not smooth at all. As in Draco’s day has been a complete shit show, and you’ve been otherwise occupied for just about every second of it.

First, he face plants during a scrimmage. Then, you tell him you’re using the afternoon to study with the girls in the library. You said he’s welcome to join but he knows that means he would be the only male attending and, therefore, it would be excruciatingly awkward.

Suffice to say, he’s spent the last few hours sulking and moaning to himself. Enzo thinks it’s hilarious.

When you finally sit next to him at dinner, he’s still stewing in his anger. Yes, it’s gotten to anger.

“Good evening, dear Draco!” you coo. And he’s clearly not having it, picking away at his food and only acknowledging you with a curt huff. You look to Theodore in shock, eyes wide when he shrugs.

“He’s been like this all day,” Mattheo says, “Think you could be a dear and fix him for us?”

You look over at Draco, who’s taken to scowling at the two boys. So you brush his hair out of his face and flatten his hood against his back.

“What’s wrong? I feel like I haven’t seen you all day?” you say, tilting your head. He huffs.

“I think you mean you’ve been ignoring me all day.”

“Draco!” you say, surprised by his sudden volume and honestly amused by his apparent lack of awareness. “What’s with the attitude?” He doesn’t respond, so you cross your arms over your chest. At this point, you’ve got the entire Great Hall’s attention. And winner for most dramatic couple goes to… “Come on, Draco, don’t just sit there and sulk, talk to me!”

“Oh, now you want to talk? Are you sure? Maybe you should go and study with your friends or read a book or do anything other than ask me how my day has been,” he whines. Enzo can’t help but snicker.

Your jaw drops, and you mumble, "Lower your voice, drama queen, I’m—"

“No, I’ve been trying to spend time with you all day, and you just shrug me off and find something better to do! What if I wanted to walk you to class and study with you?”

“We can still study together this week.”

“That’s not the point, babe. I wanted to spend time with you today,” he says, defeated and back to prodding at his meal tirelessly.

You sigh.

“I’m sorry, Draco. I had no idea”—you list his hand from the edge of the table and fit your fingers gently between his own—“I didn’t mean to starve you of attention. How careless of me.”

Draco presses his thumb against your hand, and he just barely turns his head to look at you.

“You’re teasing me,” he huffs. You look down at your hands and smile.

“A little,” you say, “But I am sorry. I should have listened to you. And asked you about your day. How was it by the way?”

“Ate complete shit out on the pitch. Found out I’m too needy for my girlfriend. Other than that, just peachy.”

“Draco,” you whine, pouting and cupping his face. “I’m sorry. And you’re not too needy for me, I’m just a bit daft.”

He shrugs, trying not to smile so wide and failing. Just happy to have you near him again.

“Oh, I have something for you”—he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the floppy rose—“Made it in charms.”

You hold its fragile, wrinkled frame in your cupped hands, frowning at it then at him.

“You made this for me?”

“Yeah. And it says ‘you look pretty’ on the inside, but I think if you try to unfold it, it’ll actually disintegrate,” he says.

You lean in swiftly for a kiss, but pause on the way.

“You two? Look away,” you grumble at Theo and Mattheo, snapping a spell against both of their cheeks. They wince and apologize, and Draco snickers.

He kisses you, tugging at your open robe and smiling against your lips when you reach for his other hand.

masterlist

#draco malfoy #draco x y/n #draco x fem!reader #draco x reader #draco malfoy x reader #draco malfoy x fem!reader #draco #fluff #fanfic #hp universe #x reader #fanfiction #x fem!reader #established relationship

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uglypastels · 11 months

Note

Eddie knows you have a voice kink and decides to take advantage of it 👀

(ie not me having a voice kink, absolutely not)

this took me too long but i also tried to rewrite this like four times because ughhhhh you are so fucking real for this one. im obsessed. so yeah, i hope you enjoy it <3 and thank you for the request

warnings: 18+ only MINORS DO NOT INTERACT. porn without plot, straight from the beginning. voice kink, so obviously dirty talk. fingering. mention of oral (f receiving). mention of p in v sex. bondage. (soft) dom!eddie.

masterlist // inbox //

‘Fuck sweetheart, you look so pretty, all spread out for me like that,’ Eddie smirked as he looked down at you. His hair fell over your face as he leaned in for a soft kiss, and his hands found their place at your hips. You couldn’t help but arch your back, feeling that gravitational pull that Eddie exerted… as the handcuffs dug into your wrists, there was little you could do but thrust your hips his way.

‘So—fucking—pretty.’ He muttered between kisses over your cheek and jaw. ‘Could put you in a museum. Hang you up like this. Look at you all day.’ His voice was gruff, filled with the sexual frustration you were both tortured with over the past few hours, but the cheek and humour never left him.

‘Maybe we should, hmm?’ His low hum sent shivers all through your neck and down your spine. ‘Hang you up, I mean. I still got that hook in the ceiling from the–’

‘Maybe– maybe next time, Eddie.’ It wasn’t the worst idea he had come up with, but you were so far gone you couldn’t imagine yourself getting out of this bed. All you could focus on was the deep growl of his voice– the meaning of the words barely even settled in your brain.

‘It’s a deal, baby.’ He smiled and gave you another kiss which you returned with a moan. One of his hands had found its way up to your breast, pressing into the soft skin, thumb roaming over the most sensitive parts.

‘Eddie,’ you moaned his name out softly, receiving another hum in response.

‘I know, baby.’ He said after you got stuck on his name for a moment or two. ‘Don’t worry; I’ll make you feel good.’ His kisses were going lower and lower. Peppering your neck, breast, and abdomen. His path was marked out clearly. ‘So, good.’

But you whined in desperation as his lips reached below your stomach. If it hadn’t felt so good, maybe you would have been quicker on the notice, but despite it all, you still had needs.

Eddie halted in his moves at your word. His grip on you tightened securely, big brown eyes locked in on you, checking for any signs of worry. With everything put on hold, you became more conscious of the fire burning in your body for him. Couldn’t lay still, but Eddie wouldn’t move.

‘What’s wrong, sweetheart?’

‘I don’t–’ He was so far away, and you couldn’t do anything about it with those damn handcuffs locking you in. They wouldn’t budge even at your hardest pull, and with each second, it was becoming harder and harder to think. ‘Eddie, I–’

‘Yeah?’ He rubbed his hand over your thigh. It must have been meant as reassurance, but all the triggers were shot up straight to your core. ‘Baby? Hey, are you still with me?’

‘Yes, just...’ You didn’t want to say it. Eddie raised a curious brow as you tried to spit out your wish.

‘Don’t go down on me. Not right now.’

‘Everything good down there?’ He squeezed your thigh a bit harder, a playful grin on his lips again.

‘Yes, it’s fine, fuck me if you want, just not– not with your mouth.’

Eddie couldn’t help the small scoff that passed his lips. ‘Ok… may I ask why?’ He tried not to look offended. You knew how much he loved this specific activity, and usually, you did too, but this time, something different got you going.

‘Because I–’ you huffed out, ‘because I’m getting turned on by you talking right now, so I don’t want you to stop now just to eat me out.’ If you hadn’t been cuffed to the bed posts, you would have hidden underneath the covers in embarrassment.

There was a second of silence as Eddie processed what you said. He blinked slowly and started to climb his way back up to the head of the bed. Arms on either side of you, locking you in even more.

His lips were nearly on yours as he spoke again. ‘Speaking of talking, we should do something about this shyness of yours. You know I will do anything for you, princess, so why not just tell me? You’re a big girl, aren’t you?’

‘Y-yes.’ The small word got caught in your throat. Nevertheless, Eddie rewarded it with a brief kiss.

‘Hmm, so you want me to talk,’ he said after pulling away, ‘what should I talk about?’

‘Anything— sex!’ You added quickly, knowing how Eddie could be with his humour. ‘Anything that’s– you know.’

‘You want me to say what I wanna do to you? How I’m going to fuck you? Hmm, is that what my princess wants?’ With each word, his voice got deeper, darker.

‘Yes, please.’ While yours became breathless, encapsulated in moans. ‘Please, Eddie.’

‘God, I love how you beg for me, how you say my name. Gonna make you scream it tonight, baby. You’re gonna be my good girl and scream for me when I stretch your tight little pussy, hmm? Will you do that for me?’

‘Yes, yes, yes.’ You squeaked out the last word when you felt his hand down on you.

‘Thought so. Always so good for me.’ Eddie slowly started closing his fingers in on your slit, carefully approaching it with his next question too. ‘Would have loved to have my mouth on you now, sweetheart. Lick you fucking up… but my fingers will do for now, won’t they?’ He said it as if the feeling of having him deep inside you wasn’t ecstatic. Like you didn’t daydream about those fingers almost every day.

‘I want them in me, Eddie. Fuck. I need it.’ And as soon as he heard it, Eddie started rubbing those close circles on your clit, getting you even more hot and bothered and ready for what was next to come.

‘Fuck, you’re so wet, baby.’ He had a Cheshire cat smile across his face as he kept on teasing your slit. ‘All for me? All for my voice?’

‘You know it is.’ It wasn’t the first time you expressed your love for how Eddie sounds. You had told him on several occasions he had a hot voice, both on and off stage and in bed, but this time was certainly on a new level. Something in you felt like you could cum just from listening to him.

‘Perhaps, but I’d still like you to say it.’ He kissed your cheek.

‘Your voice turns me on so fucking much, Eddie.’ At this moment, he finally decided to insert his fingers and push them deep inside you. ‘Oh, fuck.’

‘I fucking adore you, baby. Taking my fingers so well– shit, I can feel you clenching as I speak. Oh, you really do love it, don’t you? Just wait until I really have my way with you– oh, fuck.’ He chuckled as you reacted to his words and actions. He leaned in so his words would be directly at your ear. Soft but nasty whispers to electrify your whole being. ‘Just imagine how good it will feel when I have my cock inside you, baby. Fill you up and fuck all thoughts out of you. Until you can’t say anything but my name. Until you can’t think about anything but me.’

‘Eddiee,’ you whined as he sped up his movements, making you shake with his fingers alone.

‘That’s right, baby. C’mon, don’t be scared to be loud. Do you know how hot you fucking sound like this? All fucked out, and because of me? Hmm, want everyone around to know how good you’re being treated here. My princess fucked like a proper queen, aren’t you?’

All you could do was nod. You could hear the wetness of your pussy by this point. The tight knot in your stomach was only getting worse, ready to burst, while Eddie had no intention of stopping soon.

‘Yeah, you’re close, hmm? Yeah, I can tell. Fuck, c’mon, come for me, baby.’ His was was so deep and aggressive that it felt more like growling. ‘Come on, my fingers. C’mon.’

When it finally happened, your whole body went limp as the pleasure overcame you.

Eddie praised you through it all, his voice now covered in honey. ‘Such a good girl. Fuck, you did so well.’ But it might have all become too much when he pulled his fingers out of you, now glistening in your juices, and put them in his mouth. He hummed with satisfaction at the taste and, once done, smiled wickedly once more and said: ‘Divine, I tell you, sweetheart. Fucking. Divine.’ His hand was soaked up to his wrist, so he went to lick his palm. ‘Might have to go in for more later on either way.’

‘Give me a moment, why don’t you,’ you laughed, out of breath.

‘Of course, of course.’ He kissed your forehead. ‘But don’t think I’m done with you just yet.’

the end.

yeah, kinda ironic ending there. lol. sorry.

but thank you so much for reading!! please consider supporting with comments and reblogs <3 (maybe leave a review??) I would love to see what you thought of it <3

#eddie munson #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x y/n #eddie munson smut #eddie munson pwp #eddie munson fanfiction #eddie munson fanfic #eddie munson fic #eddie munson blurb #fanfiction #fanfic #smut #pwp #fic #blurb #imagine #request

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bug-bites · 1 month

Text

batfam beach episode?? real not clickbait no glue no borax??

cw: nothing! pure vacation beach fluff (p≧w≦q) also barely proofread,,,

pairing: gn!reader x batfam (NOT ALL AT ONCE.)

characters: dick grayson, jason babygirl todd, cassandra cain, tim drake, damian wayne (all intended to be interpreted as either romantic or platonic unless its damian. ik in some comic runs he's like an adult but hes like permanently 12 in my head and i dont fw that :/)

a/n: im back with a new dc obsession tee hee (soz to everyone who wanted more abt the cod guys or spiderverse im comicsmaxxing and redhoodpilled) will probably make a part 2 w/ bruce, babs, steph, and duke eventually :3c

Dick Grayson haha dick

oh he loves the beach so much

the sand beneath his feet make him feel nostalgic from when he would practice tumbling with his parents in the circus ring i think there's sand in circus rings right? I dunno someone fact check me on that one

the victim of being buried in the sand, always asks for a mermaid tail but ends up with something like massive sand tits (courtesy of either tim or jason), he laughs it off anyways

somehow gets the worst tan lines. He wore a swim shirt one time and never again because the tan lines looked SO BAD which is a total shame because he tans gorgeously

will beg to do play shoulder wars i have no clue if this is the right name, again fact check me for this thing where you get a piggyback ride from someone and you try to knock someone whos also getting a piggyback ride over in the water

you’re on his shoulders since bro is strong asf and you square up against tim and damian

obviously you lose because hello that's damian wayne we are talking about but at least its fun!!

cass and jason are forever the undefeated champions of shoulder wars though, that goes without saying

Cassandra Cain

shes always seen beach episodes in animes that damian practically dragged her into watching so when she gets to actually go to a beach she is so excited peak sibling bonding is dragging your siblings into your interests

loves building sandcastles and writing things in the sand, watching it get washed away, and then do it all over again

hold her hand and jump over waves together on the shore and she will be the giggliest and happiest human being alive on planet earth

but out of all the beach activities she loves beach volleyball

shes actually scarily good at beach volleyball for someone who has never played volleyball before

dick thought it would be fun to teach her and have a friendly match between him and bruce vs you and cass

yeah bruce and dick were COOKED. huffing and puffing like they have a vendetta against the three little pigs at the end of it while cass is like “this is so fun, lets go again!”

ends the day with a little sunset stroll along the shore i need her so bad you do not understand please bbyg ill treat u soooo well

Jason Todd

beaches are fun on paper for him, in person not so much

PERSONAL HC INCOMING! He gets migraines after the lazarus pit so he can only have so much fun before needing to lie face down with his head covered with a beach towel to make everything less overwhelming or he wears sunglasses the entire time

he brings a book to read at the beach and stays in the shade the entire time yes he is that bitch

usually at home in the comfort of his little library he likes to read things that have an impact on him or just stuff that makes him want to analyze deeper. think books like frankenstein, lord of the flies, all quiet on the western front, just generally heavier stuff

but his vacation books? totally different. usually something super light, maybe a shitty romance book that you find in walmart which are clearly just results of book packaging, or a some booktok recommendation he got for shits and giggles because it just was so laughably bad, maybe even a childhood feel-good book like percy jackson or the little prince (mostly just books he would not grieve over if sand permanently got in between the pages)

he tried reading a colleen hoover book once and honest to God wanted to toss it into the ocean HE WOULD HATE HER BOOKS AND I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL

but out of everything he likes watching you enjoy yourself, his book wasnt that important anyways. show him that funky sand dollar you found or that really cool piece of seaglass, he’s probably gonna bring it home with him. a little keepsake along with the millions of grains of sand that never seem to go away

Tim Drake

Burns so easily

At first its kinda cute, like hes asking you to help him get that spot on his back he just cant seem to reach and its just a little sweet moment between you two as you rub the sunscreen into his sore muscles

But then it happens again. And again. And again to the point when he goes up to you, you automatically reach for the tube of SPF 100+

I just know his vitamin d deficiency goes crazy

Leaves the beach looking like a lobster, sunburnt, a crazy bump on his head from getting hit with a volleyball, and some god awful sunglasses tan lines

Overall, beach activities are not really his thing bros job is NAWT beach

Enjoys the boardwalk a lot more than the beach itself, likes the touristy stuff but still goes to the beach because dick loves it and he loves his older brother :(

Damian Wayne

i feel like he wouldn’t care too much for typical beach stuff. like at every beach that has sand and decently clean water you can do most beach activities

one thing that is never 100% consistent at all beaches is what lives on the beaches. this boy will spend hours staring into tidepools

bruce was lowk concerned because his son did not gaf about normal beach activities that kids do but eventually he reached a point where he was like "i mean at least hes having fun and being safe"

i feel like talia would always show him books of sea creatures when he was little but he never ended up being able to see them in their natural habitat someone take this boy to an aquarium now

tells you fun facts about each creature you come across

will scold you if you take a shell from the beach, definitely says some shit like “how would you feel if someone ran into your house and just took your bed?” based though, leave shells at the beach yall! taking them is like bad for the ecosystem

brings his notebook around and has little sketches of the sea creatures

even though typical beach activities arent his favourite, he doesnt hate it. he likes that he can catch a break from all the vigilante stuff and spend time with his family as a family and not just as a team

loves scuba diving. idk it just somehow makes sense and i think he would look really stupid in a wet suit

also i feel like he would never mention it but in his mind hes fully thinking "this is just like a beach episode" but he would rather die than say it out loud FUCKING NERDDD

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