ace-exploring

[ace-exploring]

I spent most of my life thinking everyone else was weird and when I figured out I was different, I felt 'broken' for about the one or two weeks I researched asexuality and found the label for greysexuality, which fit me best.

I honestly did not understand how people would bone people they went to school or worked with? I didn't even find people of my same nationality attractive because it felt too ick.

I remember being pressured into picking a boy to crush on in high school and I picked the most aesthetic boy I could see. I never even knew his name. But the PRESSURE to have a CRUSH was UNRELENTING.

I also remember telling my best friend I was considering wearing a purity ring, even though I wasn't religious, just because I couldn't see myself having sex with anyone. My friend (who is the sluttiest slut I've ever known) was ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIED. She begged me not to. It was so weird. Like, just because you can't control yourself, you think I can't?

When I was 15 and got my first boyfriend my mother marched me DIRECTLY to the doctor's office (seriously, it was within a WEEK and I was FIFTEEN) and put me on birth control, even though I didn't want it, even though I wasn't planning on having sex until I was at least 18, and even though I asked the doctor if there were any alternatives to taking a pill every day because I didn't think I was going to have sex 'very often', to which he told me there were not. I didn't have sex for the first time until I was 22. I took a pill every day of my life from when I was 15 to when I turned 27 and got married. 12 years of poisoning my body! And for what? I haven't been on birth control in 10 years and I've still never been pregnant.

That derailed a bit, sorry.

i've been questioning if i'm ace for a long time and i'm tired of it. i wish i knew for sure. i feel like i'm not "allowed" to be ace because it seems a unifying experience among aces is feeling broken or like something is wrong with you, or left out of normal teen experiences. but it's confusing for me because i grew up in a very religious environment that heavily emphasized purity culture for girls. we weren't supposed to feel sexual attraction, or have sexual fantasies, or desire sex. we were flat out told that sex wouldn't be pleasurable but it was a wife's duty to pleasure her husband and bear children. so i never felt broken or outcast among my peers, i felt normal. even when the girls were talking about their crushes, and i said i didn't have a crush on anyone, they said "oh you're so lucky, it must be easier to resist temptation". i left the church several years ago but i still don't know if i'm ace or if i was just brainwashed by the church. i've read probably hundreds of how-to-tell-if-you're-ace posts and flowcharts but nothing helps, because if you were to apply any of the common ace experiences to the people i grew up with, every single woman would be considered some form of aspec. sometimes i feel jealous of the aces who grew up in regular society because even if it sucked, at least they know who they are. i don't know if i'll ever know for sure.

Submitted 04/04/24

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[ace-exploring]

#asexual #asexuality #ace #asexual pride #lgbtqia+ #acepride #greyace #grayace #exploring asexuality #pride #asexual heteroromantic #married asexual #asexual post #asexual positivity #sex favourable asexual

[ace-exploring]

Hi yes, it's me your local-on-the-internet married-for-10-years asexual auntie here to say that I FOUND MY ONE when I was 20 years old, we've been together for 18 years, and I am STILL asexual. In fact, finding my person made it HARDER for me to figure out I was ace! Because we had sex 16 times in 24 hours when we first got together and who in their right mind would ever think THAT was the actions of someone who doesn't actually feel sexual attraction?

I'm still ace and the act of having sex like a fucking rabbit doesn't change that.

What No One Talks About

You know what no one ever talks about? How meeting "the one" doesn't make you any less aspec.

Like, you know when aphobes are all like, "You just haven't met the *right person* yet"? It doesn't follow logically.

A few days ago, my queerplatonic partner and I decided that there is a romantic element to our relationship, and that "demiromantic" describes our romantic orientations better. So yes, I "met the right person" and developed romantic feelings. But does that make me any less aro? Absolutely not. I wasn't alloromantic all along and just needed to realize it. You don't NOT develop romantic feelings your whole life and nullify your entire aromantic experience just because you find out you're arospec more than vanilla aro.

So yes, aspecs *might* meet "the one" and develop romantic and/or sexual feelings (not me, though, I'm ace as heck 😂). They might find out they're gray or demi. But that doesn't make them ANY less aspec.

Fight me on this.

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[ace-exploring]

There's so much misunderstanding of what asexuality actually means.

When I came out to my parents, my mother assumed it meant I would no longer have sex with my husband. And I know a lot of people assume that's what asexuality means, instantly thinking it means sex-repulsed. But that's under the surface. That's part of the spectrum. Asexuality does not always mean sex-repulsed.

It's very simple, really. And the examples I'm using are things the Boomer generation would recognise:

You know how when someone says they're lesbian it means they're sexually attracted to women?

Or how bi people are sexually attracted to both genders?

Asexuality is very simple to understand. It simply means not being sexually attracted to anyone.

And yes, there is nuance and there is a spectrum and I'm not erasing greys and demis and anyone else who falls under our spectrum - I AM a grey, and I DO feel sexual attraction... sometimes... I actually vividly recall the last time I did, and it was last year... that's not my point, my point is that the VERY BASIC understanding of asexuality from people outside of Tumblr is very often WRONG.

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[ace-exploring]

Do I have any grayace book recs?

Short answer: no.

Here's why: I primarily read either YA or very adult smut. In YA, the characters are usually experiencing their 'firsts' and very few of them have the self-awareness or maturity to know that they are any kind of ace. YA is still under-represented in gay and sapphic lit, and 'ace' feels even more niche than that. A lack of attraction doesn't really mean anything as a teen, because a) everyone develops differently and b) it's so much more romantic if the love interest is your first love ever (barring unrequited crushes). If you're sixteen and experiencing sexual attraction for the first time, is it because that's completely normal or is it because you've met the exact person that you're sexually attracted to? (please read the rest of this post before you jump on me, I promise I go into this more and I am not erasing teen aces! I am only speaking from MY experience as an adult reader of teen books.)

Teen books with asexual but not aromantic main characters that I have read and can recommend:

What We Devour by Linsey Miller, however this also goes heavy into self-harm as a form of magic so maybe tread lightly if you're a teen, speak to an adult about it. Incidentally, THIS was the book that first triggered the idea that maybe my experience wasn't mainstream. I'm not sure if the main character is graysexual: I need to read it again.

Deathless Divide (Dread Nation #2) by Justina Ireland, but read the first one, too, because it's awesome. Also, I can't specifically remember if the character (Katherine) is aromantic as well, it's been a few years since I read it, and I read it before I realised I was ace, so I didn't actually pick up on Katherine's asexuality until much later.

I'm grayace and I didn't figure it out until I was 35, so I don't really expect teens to know and understand asexuality. I am still amazed that people younger than 18 identify as asexual, and that's purely because they're still in school and likely haven't travelled widely or met a whole bunch of people, so how do they even know who they're attracted to? Also, I'm asexual, so I never experienced sexual attraction as a teen and part of me still thinks it's all just an elaborate hoax. When I was 18 I had no idea I was asexual. I just thought everyone else were complete horndogs and I was the only normal person around.

That leads me to the very adult smut I read. I also don't expect to find a bunch of asexual people in adult smut. This is because, well, they're horny motherf*ckers. I'm still waiting (wading) to find characters who have an aesthetic but not sexual attraction. Unfortunately, most of the adult smut I read are very heavy on the sexual attraction and not so much into romantic attraction or development, let alone emotional or aesthetic attraction.

And part of the reason for this is because if you want to write a romance book, especially a smut book, with an asexual character, that WILL turn a LOT of mainstream romance readers off, because they do not understand what asexuality is. They think it means sex-repulsed.

Adult books with an asexual but not aromantic main character that I have read and can recommend:

Role Playing by Cathie Yardley - demisexual biromantic male lead.

More Than I Can Bear (Ursa Shifters #4) by Sam Hall - demisexual female lead, but she has multiple love interests so this is NOT a mainstream romance.

I also want to mention BUT DO NOT RECOMMEND AT ALL the Fifty Shades of Grey books, because I believe Anna actually is graysexual. Until she met Christian at age 21, she had literally never been attracted to anyone else before, nor experienced any kind of sexual feelings. I identify with that HARD, having had sex for the first time when I was 22. I have not read, nor will I ever read these books, and I do not recommend them to anyone, but I do think this could have been an amazing opportunity for an actually asexual character to be thrust into the mainstream. Now, this book is actually about an abuse victim and her rich and handsome abuser, so please do not read it expecting to find ace rep. This is my headcanon and the author does not have the skill to present her as asexual, relying instead on her naivety and inexperience as part of the titillation and submissive angle.

On a side note, I am a writer, and I am currently trying to figure out how to sell an asexual/graysexual main female character in an adult smut book while appealing to the masses. It's not the writing part that I'm struggling with (see this whole-assed post I just wrote). It's the marketing.

#asexual #asexuality #ace #asexual pride #lgbtqia+ #acepride #greyace #grayace #exploring asexuality #pride #asexual heteroromantic #married asexual #asexual post #asexual positivity #sex favourable asexual

[ace-exploring]

I'm more attracted to the fictional characters I write than my own husband sometimes.

Ace people, please help me with this:

Can you be ace while feeling attraction towards fictional scenarios?

I'm asking because I feel that, and I'm still struggling with figuring out if I'm truly ace or just traumatized.

#asexual #asexuality #ace #asexual pride #lgbtqia+ #acepride #greyace #grayace #exploring asexuality #pride #asexual heteroromantic #married asexual #asexual post #asexual positivity #sex favourable asexual

[ace-exploring]

i hate the “demi sexual/romantic doesn’t exist, all people are like that”. because if that were true i don’t think crushes wouldn’t be as common, hookup culture wouldn’t exist, and dating overall wouldn’t be such a big deal. allo people don’t realize what a major part sex and romance plays in our everyday lives. i mean, parents will talk about how their infant son is a “ladies man” or how their daughter is “going to break all the boys’ hearts”. since literal birth, people are expecting their child to grow up straight and experience attraction towards others. it just makes me upset when people try to say demi identities aren’t real or valid :/

Well said, Anon. I think a lot of the time people are also misunderstanding it, and confusing it with 'i prefer or am more comfortable dating/having sex with people I've already gotten to know.' (Which still isn't everybody, but is a bit more common.)

But yeah, there's a world of difference between that and literally not having the capacity to be attracted to someone you don't have a bond with.

Thanks for sharing, Anon!

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[ace-exploring]

Oh yes! They ask this because they want to hear that it's THEM that's made us horny. Looking at them, thinking about them, and it 'turns us on'. But when someone doesn't feel sexual attraction, this can be insulting to the other party.

Sometimes when I initiate, my husband will give a cheeky grin and ask, "Why, are you horny?" And I'll be like... "No?"

Like... I want to be close to you and do something you enjoy? I'm not just using you like a giant sex toy to gratify myself? Why is this difficult to understand?

Just thinking about something that happened the other day.

You don't have to wait until you're horny to have sex.

There is no requisite to already be 'in the mood'.

That's what foreplay is for.

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[ace-exploring]

#asexual #asexuality #ace #asexual pride #lgbtqia+ #acepride #greyace #grayace #exploring asexuality #pride #asexual heteroromantic #married asexual #asexual post #asexual positivity #sex favourable asexual

[ace-exploring]

how does casual sex and being ace work together?

Firstly, who said anything about sex?

I'm going to assume that you're not saying this in a derogatory kind of way and that you want to learn something!

Being ace has nothing to do with your sex drive. It has to do with sexual attraction to other people.

Being ace does not make the horny feelings Not Exist. It makes it so that no one is sexually attractive to you.

So, in summary, how DOES it work together?

Idk, it's frankly really hard to navigate. Lots of people can't understand or don't want to understand. Sometimes, things go very badly. Sometimes, they go great!

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[ace-exploring]

Enjoying sex in erotica/porn/fantasies/etc. doesn't mean you have to want or enjoy sex in real life.

#asexual #asexuality #ace #asexual pride #lgbtqia+ #acepride #greyace #grayace #exploring asexuality #pride #asexual heteroromantic #married asexual #asexual post #asexual positivity #sex favourable asexual

[ace-exploring]

In my personal experience, whenever someone is in the a- spectrum they tend to fall into one of three categories.

1) The single most dirty minded person you have ever met

2) Completely oblivious to anything sex-related

3) A really strange combination of #1 and #2

#asexual #asexuality #ace #asexual pride #lgbtqia+ #acepride #greyace #grayace #exploring asexuality #pride #asexual heteroromantic #married asexual #asexual post #asexual positivity #sex favourable asexual

[ace-exploring]

I think it's because we don't rely on sheer sexual attraction and sexual chemistry, so we write it other ways.

Asexuals write the best porn and nobody can convince me otherwise

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[ace-exploring]

acefluxness

as an aceflux person, sexual attraction is so confusing to me bc one day i'm like 'wdym you look at a person and want to nail them' and then the next day i AM that person and think, 'how did i ever not understand this' and then it happens all over again

i thought i was ace for so long until i started feeling sexual attraction and i was like, 'haha it was just me being immature' NO YOU ARE ACEFLUX. i proceeded to have a crisis and then discovered that being aceflux exists (shock)

the internet did not help you are either "normal" or "asexual and emotionless" like i still feel romantic attraction all the time don't listen to the internet people. unless it's a quiz you found on r/asexual. then indulge because ace people are icons.

i love all my aspecs everyone looking at these tags is an icon and you are worthy of love, romantic or not. also i love all the aceflux flags whoever designed them ily. and can i just say asexual does not immediately correlate with aromantic? different identities thank you very much.

all in all, if you are aceflux or any identity on the ace spectrum reading this, you are valid and i love you, and all of you are wonderful (provided you don't invalidate others' identities because i've seen a rise of that in the community recently and wanted to mention it) but yeah you guys are awesome :)

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[ace-exploring]

"Why do we have to use labels? Why can't everyone just be themselves and be accepted?"

It's to do with language.

Before I realised I was grey-ace, I didn't identify as asexual (I had some misconceptions about the definition of asexuality, and as I was in love and romantically attracted to my partner, I thought that was sexual attraction).

But I also didn't feel like I quite fit in with the heteros. Everyone seemed OBSESSED with sex, and yeah it's great, but so is chocolate and a cat on your lap and a good book and no work the next day.

I thought I was alone with how I felt and that everyone around me was SO WEIRD. It's weird to want to bang people you went to school or work with! How can you possibly find them attractive?

Even when I looked up asexuality, I still didn't really identify as ace because, as I found out when I found the label, I'm sex favourable. I don't usually initiate but I'm happy to participate. It wasn't until I read some books with ace characters talking about the same exeriences I felt, and then I looked up the term 'grey-ace', that I finally realised I was on the ace spectrum.

If there was no word for asexuality, I'd still feel like I was a loner and outcast, 'weird' among all the allos. If there was no label for gray-ace, I wouldn't have found my home on the ace spectrum. Because I could ONLY identify as allosexual, I would feel like maybe like there was something wrong with ME. It would affect my mental health. It affected several of my relationships in the past. Thinking I was the same as everyone else, just different, affected my whole goddamn life.

Once I found my label, I felt so much better, knowing that other people experienced this as well.

Labels can help you feel not so alone, and in that way, they are powerful.

#asexual #asexuality #ace #asexual pride #lgbtqia+ #acepride #greyace #grayace #exploring asexuality #pride #asexual heteroromantic #married asexual #asexual post #asexual positivity #sex favourable asexual

[ace-exploring]

All of the above, yes. ･:*+.\(( °ω° ))/.:+

We are also:

Awesome

Smart

Funny

Just like the coolest ever

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[ace-exploring]

I feel bad for people who think being asexual is because we're abused. Bitch I'm happy without sex it's literally that simple.

#asexual #asexuality #ace #asexual pride #lgbtqia+ #acepride #greyace #grayace #exploring asexuality #pride #asexual heteroromantic #married asexual #asexual post #asexual positivity #sex favourable asexual