anadress

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It's incredibly hard thoses days..

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doggy but with her hands held behind her back >>>>

[anadress]

I might not know

I might not know how to put right back the vaccum

But i know how you like your tea

I might not know where to put your computer

But i know where you like to be kiss

I might not know how to clearly clean as you do

But i know how to cook your favorite dishes

I might not fucking know how to act normally like a fucking normal human being because I'm not fucking normal

But i know how, at least, made you 1% happy, or at least I'm trying. Is that not enought ?

#angst #love #or at least i think #not reciprocate love #sad #sad thoughts #at least i'm trying #and then you get someone upset because you can't doing it right #i fucking hate that #I'm not perfect but i fucking try

[anadress]

How it's going

It's been a week I'm crying at any giving point during the day and it's so hard to deal with it.

It's hard to hide it from whom I'm living with. It's hard to fake it. But I make it.

It's hard not to feel like a burden when you used to be bubbly and smilly almost all the time. And now you can only give a soft smile before tiring into tears because you are so frustrated to not have the energy to be who you used to be Iike,, just,, three week ago?

It's how it begin.

I don't see myself into even a small snippets of my futur anymore. Fucl I don't even see myself into tomorrow or next week.

I'm not hungry. Food don't appeal me. I can eat but what's the point I guess?

I needa sort of things otherwise I'll drown again. I know it. I'll try í swear.

#mental health #fucking depression #eating disoder things #sad thoughts #mental illness #anxiety

[anadress]

What an autistic person says: "How long is it going to take?"

What they mean: "I want to know whether to activate my short term waiting mode where I just wait and do nothing else, or activate my long term waiting mode where I occupy my mind with something else. I fully understand that both are possibilities, and I have no problem whatsoever with either one, but I want more information so I can best adapt to the situation."

What neurotypical people hear: "I am impatient and demand that everything I want happen right now. Please scold me and publicly humiliate me for it."

#I'm not autistic but I related a lot to that #Wanting to know how to wait #Because it's either I wait doing nothing and ended up waiting for an hour staring at the ceiling #Or I began something very long and I'm upset because I have to leave it unfinish #That's why I like long travel

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Things no one tells you about when you’ve been mentally ill for years and it won’t get better

— everyone will give up on you. Some will say it upfront, some will have indirect ways of showing it (you’re a lucky mf if you still have someone )

— your symptoms/ breakdowns/ panic attacks are cute for a few months. Everyone wants to help. Later on people find them annoying and inconvenient

— you will be blamed for not getting better. Doesn’t matter if you’re doing therapy, taking meds, exercising, eating well and sleeping. You can do all of it, some of it or none of it. They will find fault in your efforts.

— desensitization to your pain. This one isn’t their fault, it’s human nature. But it happens and yes it hurts cuz you would wish you were desensitized to your own pain but you have to feel it no matter what. Doesn’t matter if it’s the millionth time. It demands to be felt.

— people move on. But you can’t. You see people cope and get over things while you simply can’t. And it’s so much worse if you’ve been mentally ill for years. Even the smallest things break you and trigger you.

— you slowly realize this world isn’t made for mentally ill people in any way

— you’re tired / fatigued all the time. You have been for years now. You simply exist but you aren’t capable of living anymore. Your illnesses have taken everything that made you feel alive. You’re nothing but a shell. A body.

[anadress]

Me : I want to see a specialist to see if anything is different in me!

Also me : *but if I failed the test I'll not be considered anything and it will just mean I'm an idiot that can't human*

Like, bro, being professionaly diagnostic as an idiot will hurt bad lmao

#How to be human #mental illness #Mental disorder #guess i'll die #Like for real #I just think I am an idiot at this point #Anybody have a guide for life? #Plz I'm not a reptilian I swear

[anadress]

OK Google, how to through myself out in a black hole and disappeare from the whole existence quickly?

[anadress]

Wait a minute,,, it's been 7 years I'm in that deep hole?? I tried to sincerely get better this years (and it's hard)

7 years... And in wondering why I can't have and digest a meal at 12... It's been 7 years I'm use to starve during the day after all... Hm

[anadress]

If only I could just... Erase... A period of time.. In my lifetime..

Or if I could just... Made thing work...

From thoses wrong turn, you've made so many right choice. And I don't think you would like thing differently

[anadress]

I'm so fucking done life's being a literal bitch with me

Like, can it leave me alone for a years and not hand me problem on problem? Thank I'd appreciate.

Well, still want life to leave ne alone please 🤙

[anadress]

I have that kinda type of urge that I wanna write and talk a about art because it's mesmerizing me so much...

All that technique, all that knowledge for artist to create...

All those story behind art, all those drama, all those hidden message form an artist to an other...

Even the work made in museum, how paintings at put oh the wall, under the light...

Art made me happy, even as a spectator, and I'd like to share it with the world so them can be happy with me,,

#personnal though #3am thoughts

[anadress]

I am feeling so empti right now I really do hate that

And despite the fact it's been years I know I feel that, I can't find thing to manage to feel better

You'll feel better à day. Not today tho, I can assure you. But you'll manage, you are strong. Go on, don't give up

[anadress]

From this post istg I'll stop ranting and venting negatively

It's not being negative that gonna help me in my life. I can spit my problem here, venting but no more self depreciation, no more spitting on things.

I cleaned up my blog to delete all that cringy stuff, I'm done being bad mentally.

I can at least use here as a journal. But. I. Want. To. Be. Happy.

Even thinking about deleting this blog at this point.

No more negativity.

Me from the futur : oops I failed

[anadress]

I might be a greedy trash, but all I want is a person wich I'm gonna woke up next to and to be sure they will be here and love me, and support me, for the rest of my life. No need for a king bed size, or luxury. Just me and them.

Is that to much to ask?