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aphrodite-would-be-proud · 1 year

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Lovers hand in hand

{ Mikasa x reader | tw:Suicidal thoughts, tw:Depression, tw:past abuse | comfort, depression help }

After your depression hits an all time low, Mikasa attempts to help and comfort you through a breakdown.

{Autumn Flowers (Aki no hana) 1909-1910, by Kamisaka Sekka, 1866–1942 }

She feels like the worst, most unqualified person to deal with this.

She loves you, she adores you and it's setting off all her alarm bells seeing you so scared and broken.

Being a very protective person by nature, she never batted an eye before stepping between you and danger, whether that danger is a bug catching you by surprise or a creepy person thinking you owe them your time.

And now, she's never felt more useless as she stood still and watched you cry your heart out.

Where is the danger, why can't she just see it and get rid of it, she's never learned how to fight something invisible.

Her attempts at comfort are awkward at best, there is no doubt her brain is following a step by step catalogue guide on how to help people in a breakdown.

And yet, it is very genuine, her efforts and words are coming truly from her heart because she genuinely cares.

You're her whole world, she can't stand to see you in pain, if she could she'd rather switch bodies so she'd be the one feeling it instead.

She stays by your side, on the bed or on the ground, under the desk or hiding in a closet, no matter what place your brain decides is the safest. She will make sure she is nearby for you there as long as you allow her.

And as flashes of the past and awful memories cloud your vision, she attempts to ground you back to reality as best she could, listening to you vent your heart out and reminding you of how you're safe now.

You have a future, she'll tell you, it's never too late.

She doesn't get phased nor shy away no matter how dark of a topic your trauma may include, she will never judge you nor force you to water down your own trauma just so you don't scare her.

She promises to protect you, she reminds you of that promise while holding your hand to heart chest, you could feel her steady heartbeat.

No one is ever hurting you again, they will have to go through her to even think about it.

You're wanted, she tells you, you're loved and you're amazing and fuck everyone else.

You do belong here, you deserve a place on this earth.

She stays there waiting, carrying the burden with you.

Guarding you with the devotion of a loyal knight, both from yourself and any horrible thoughts that crawl their way into your brain masking their voices as one of your own.

She reminds you they're not yours, they're just passing, they're the voices of people's cruelty's marks on you.

She helps you to get food, she helps you to the bathroom and she helps you to the bed.

Through every step of the way, through every intrusive thought she is there.

Words aren't her strong virtue, and so she helps you find resources that help with dealing with those thoughts and emotions.

It's not your fault, you're not a burden nor weak.

And if you have moments of vulnerability she promises to be strong enough for both of you instead.

She asks if she can touch you, she asks if she can come closer, she will respect your answer.

She has known fear, true fear and seeing you in this state she can definitely relate.

Wrapping you in a blanket, she tucks you in bed and holds you till you fall asleep, she sings and she tells stories that her mother used to tell her.

#aot x reader #aot x y/n #mikasa x you #mikasa x y/n #mikasa x reader #tw: depression #tw: angst #tw: past abuse #tw: Suicidal thoughts #comfort #depression comfort

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aphrodite-would-be-proud · 2 years

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Logged in to post this, cya when inspiration hits again

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aphrodite-would-be-proud · 2 years

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Apparently I'll only write when you take away my wifi and with tower of fantasy 21GB downloading nothing else is loading so yeah.

Imma go scavenge in my brain for an interesting prompt to write or something.

#talking🕯

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aphrodite-would-be-proud · 2 years

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My random need to have a new project and then go 150% into it is definitely linked to one of my disorders… I’m just not sure which. 🤷‍♀️

I hate to admit that sometimes I lose interest and a lot of projects have slowly died but I’m getting better at pushing through once the hyper focus on it ends because I know eventually I cycle back and have regretted deleting previous projects and blogs.

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aphrodite-would-be-proud · 2 years

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Ew i can sponsor my posts now

#talking🕯

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aphrodite-would-be-proud · 2 years

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Another tight hug

{ Ayato | tw:parental death, tw:depression tw:suicide attempt }

A short character study from Ayato's pov as he deals with his parents death, receiving his vision and inspiring others to receive theirs.

{"Group IX,SUW, The Swan, No. 1" 1915 by Hilma af Klint 1862-1944 }

"Perhaps, the Kamisato Clan were born to protect the Gods."

His mother used to say, in her ever so tender tone that never failed to soothe away his aching bones after each training session with his father.

Although he never said it out loud, never once did he fully agree with that statement.

The Kamisato clan belonged to the Kamisato clan, he would think. For in his adolescent's brain, his baby sister first steps towards him during that stormy day is far more precious than any Archon's weight in pure gold.

"Lord Kamisato, the Kaedehara clan have arrived to pay their condolences." A servant stood behind the paper screen door, their shadow contrasting against the candle lit room.

Ayato's breath paused for a second as his newfound title sank into the pit inside his stomach.

Gathering whatever's left of his composure and self will, he answered back using the formalities he has been taught to say when this day inevitably will arrive.

The words leaving his mouth never registered for him to remember what he said.

"As you wish my lord." Their steps echoed against the wooden floor, the house quiet than it has ever been.

He shouldn't keep them waiting too much, kazuha must be worried sick by now. And despite that, and the growing numbness in his legs for sitting on them for too long, he doesn't have the heart to move a muscle.

Not when his sister's head laid in his lap, the exhaustion of all those tears catching up to her and putting her mind to rest.

While he is older than before, she is still too young to have lost them now. Ayato can't help but feel guilt eating him at the realisation that he had more time with them than she did.

As his hand comped through her hair, deep down he knew that guilt would never compare to the guilt of knowing soon she will also lose him too.

The Kamisato clan have been leaderless for a while as his father's sickness worsen, all that work piling up will be hanged upon the neck of the first person able enough to bear its responsibility.

And it just so happened that today is his 18th birthday.

To think he'd be dressed from head to toe in black for his special day.

Meeting his parents eyes, he stared into those portraits on the table in front of him. What would they say if they saw him right now?

Would they feel proud of the fact he has not shed a single tear? Or would they scold him for letting ayaka cry? Would they feel pity for him for he has not met their expectations yet.

How would their faces look if he was just a bit early snd showed them the vision he had been granted merely a night ago. That the same gods they're sworn to protect looked down upon him and saw someone worthy.

Yet that damned blue orb remains locked away in a drawer inside his study. For how can they be so cruel to grant him a vision that didn't make him any less useless in standing there and watching his father wither away.

The irony, a non healing hydro vision.

And what of his mother? Why not grant her the vision instead, for he knows fair well she's stronger than everyone in his clan combined.

Yet in the same cruel twist of fate, she passed away alongside her husband on the same night.

For pain was from the gods, but they made no error.

He looked down at his sister, the sight of her in the black kimono made her look so small. Remembering their lasts words to him that night, to protect Ayaka.

"Mother, father." His throat felt dry as he spoke, "i promise you, i will bring honour back to the Kamisato clan."

Three days has passed since the funeral, and in this world of politics it's more than enough for people to start raising their expectations of him.

You've grieved and you've cried, now it's time to start moving with the world alas it leaves you behind.

For the common folk, Ayato is still a poor young soul pushed into shoes too big to fill, yet for the other clans he's akin to a clueless prey, a young sparrow that'll fall before he even gets to fly.

And as he strolls the shoreside of the beach nearby the Kamisato state, Ayato wonders if their brains are as empty as the seashells littering the sand.

Maybe true anonymity was his parent's last gift for him before their depart, his father was his teacher in almost everything he has known and his mother tended to his every need and want.

Servants sometimes were in sight but never close by enough to get a read on the young Kamisato.

They might have as well had the whole world fooled that he is some sweet lost innocent soul.

And he prefers it that way, with his hands full of cards and opponents so easy to read and steer, well at least for as long as this vail of youth remains clouding their judgement of him.

The smarter ones will catch on eventually, but for now he has a golden opportunity to reshape the Kamisato clan to whatever he likes and rebuild it from the ground.

Re-establishing the Shuumatsuban to be stronger and better than before was his first step, unless he can secure his and Ayaka's safety from assassination then he can't take any risky steps to get his clan back on its feet.

Training ayaka will be his second step, although with only 24 hours in a day he will have to give up his polearm lessons and rely on his sword more.

And his third step…

Stopping in his steps, Ayato leaned down towards the ocean waves, fingertips attempting to command the water to flow and weave itself around his hand.

But to no avail, the water merly bubbles up in offence before crashing against his feet.

Stepping away before getting his whole lower half drenched, Ayato looked in annoyance at the vision strapped against his hip.

Just another responsibility to bear and another set of expectations to meet, he needed to learn how to use it to his advantage and he needed to do it quickly.

Ayato closed his eyes, constraining all of his focus on the world around him. His hand brushing against the hilt of his sword as he took in the whistling of the wind and motion of the sea.

His mind was clear and despite not having vision, he could clearly conjour an image of the world around him.

A singular petal floating in the wind, heading towards him.

Faster than the eye could see, his sword split it in half before it fell to the ground, his finger running up the sharp edge of his blade as he attemped to get the water to flow through it.

Then he felt it, a drop of water hitting the tip of his nose, then another falling against his cheek, and a third one joined by a fourth and a fifth likewise.

His heart hammered against his chest as he slowly opened his eyes, more than a hundred raindrops falling around him.

Did he-

He looked at the sky and in a cruel joke of fate, instead of the clear starry night he faced a cloudy storm.

It's raining, it's just the weather.

He didn't do it.

The crack of thunder nearby felt like roaring laughter mocking him, the flashing of lightning growing brighter than his vision the day he got it.

Electricity filled the air, goosebumps traveled up his skin as his feet refused to leave the sand despite the slowly raising water levels of the sea.

In the horizon a bigger storm approaches, electric streams traveling through the water and heading towards his direction at an alarming speed.

And for a second, he thought about not moving and letting the electrocharged sea reclaim him.

The only thought echoing in his mind was, "mom, i miss you."

…

Only for the back of his white jacket to be tugged back, his unresisting body easily pulled away by the person behind him.

"My lord are you alright?" Thoma's arms kept their grip against him in case he might slip away, his expression sick with worry and he eyed him whole for any injuries.

Ayato didn't reply, shame surfacing up his lungs and choking him.

Only letting go after the other stood on his feet, Thoma fetched thr umbrella he dropped not a second ago as he sheltred Ayato from the pouring rain despite his own clothes starting to get drenched.

"At this rate you might catch a cold, please let's go back to the estate to dry you up." Thoma continued to fret over the other, his hand guiding Ayato against his back as he ushered him back to the steady ground.

Staying silent throughout the short walk back, Ayato stopped their steps just when he Kamisato state gate was in sight.

"Thoma" he looked in his eyes, facing him fully.

"Yes my lord?"

"You're free to leave."

Slightly taken back by his words, Thoma looked confused, "what do you mean?"

Remembering who he was and where he is, Ayato quickly rephrased it " Now that the situation in Inazuma is unclear, the trouble the Kamisato Clan faces will only increase. You are someone who can see what's at stake, so if you don't want to get involved, leave early."

Not sparing him another glance, Ayato thought it was for the best as he made his way towards the estate.

Worried and surprised whispers starting getting loader as the maids began to gather to check on his sorry drenched state, rushing him to get changed inside while supressing the urge to scold him.

He didn't meet Thoma for the rest of the night, only sparing a few minutes to have dinner with Ayaka before attending to his paperwork.

��

"Achoo."

Was how he woke up from sleeping against his work table, papers and chess pieces scattered everywhere and puddle of ink dripping down into the floor.

His orders to not let anyone disturb him till morning weren't taken lightly for none seemed to check if he had actually left his study that night.

Nose tingling, another sneezed followed soon.

Maybe it's just spring allergy, it doesn't necessarily mean he has a co-

And a third, then a fourth.

His nose starting running and he could feel his face heating up.

Okay yeah he does have a cold.

Trying to spot a box of tissues amidst the mess of paperwork galore, he almost slipped on the puddle of ink as the screen door to his study was slammed open.

"My lord, about yesterday I-" The rest of Thoma's word died on his tongue as he saw Ayato's state.

Letting out a heavy sigh, he quickly grabbed the tissue he keeps in his pocket as he helped Ayato.

"You should've gone to sleep in your own room." He gave him a disappointed look as his hand went to check his forehead temperature.

Any attempt for Ayato to argue back was interrupted by a sneeze, and so he was lead back to his room in defeat.

The soft mattress felt like heaven against his tired body, it was hard not to sink back into the pillows but he had to sit upright for the promise of breakfast that Thoma went to make.

"He hasn't left yet" was the only notable observation he made.

The smell of hot food made him sit upright again, a warm tray being places on his lap.

Opening his eyes that he doesn't remember closing, Ayato was faced with…a pyro vision instead of his morning eggs on the plate.

Thoma was looking at him earnestly.

Ayato looked back, then looked at the vision, then looked back at him.

"My Father has always taught me to be a loyal and righteous man" Thoma kneeled down, "If I leave at this time, I will lose my loyalty and righteousness."

The vision in front of Ayato began to glow, bright red and ablaze.

"I would like to do my best to do my part for the young master and the young lady. You will certainly need me as a helper in the path you embark on in the future. "

And for the first time in the last week, Ayato remembered how to smile.

"Think of it as an extension of your body, instead of two arms you have an arm and a sword now." Ayato breathed out as he helped his sister up from the ground.

They have been training for hours, and yet the look of determination on Ayaka's face didn't weaver for a split second.

She has been taking every word and advice Ayato gave her to heart.

"Draw your opponent's attention to the area you want them to focus on." Ayato demonstrated as he drew his sword and placing his left leg ahead, "then quickly move your sword to a different area."

Quickly attempting to block her right side, Ayaka felt the tip of the wooden sword press against the left side of her neck before being pushed her back on the ground.

Having enough self discipline not to show her frustration, Ayaka took a beavy breath as she got up herself.

"Again." She wasn't giving up.

The teacher side of Ayato was proud of her but the brother side was starting to feel a bit guilty.

"How about we take a break and get some boba-"

"No." Ayaka swiftly stricted, only for Ayato to dodge to the side.

She switched the direction last second, catching him off guard.

Only for her wooden sword to pierce a water clone of him instead, Ayato having moved back as swiftly.

"Hmm." He felt a proud smile creeping up his lips, "maybe a polearm would suit you better, it certainly has further reach which would make up for your reaction time."

Shaking her head as drops of sweat landing on the ground, Ayaka disagreed. "Mother used to use a sword, i want to be just like her and you."

Ayaka has never mentioned their parents before, not since the funeral.

Ayato's grip on his sword falters.

It has been two years.

He looks at Ayaka and he sees his father's hair and eyes, yet her soul is a mirror image of their mother's fighting one.

Having taken their mother's facial features and father's cunnings, Ayato chuckles at the irony of the situation.

Misunderstanding his laughter as mocking, Ayaka becomes even more determined to prove herself and she takes a steay pose with her sword ready. "Don't hold back." She says

"I won't." Water weaves itself around his sword and under his feet, as he lunges ahead faster than a water drop hitting the ground.

And Ayaka doesn't move away, instead she steadies herself to block, not a hint of doubt in her eyes.

Rising her sword up, a rush of ice freezes over the water, cracking the wooden sword into pieces and flipping Ayato on his back.

A white vision drops against her feet, both her an Ayato look at each other for 5 seconds not saying a word.

And then she jumps down to tackle him in a hug against the ground, the happiest smile ever on her face as she repeats that she finally did it.

In that moment, Ayato knows he fulfilled his promise of keeping his sister safe.

#genshin impact #kamisato ayaka #kamisato ayato #genshin impact thoma #character study🕯#character study #tw: mention of depression #tw: attempted suicide #tw: parental death

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aphrodite-would-be-proud · 2 years

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The last character i loved so much that it was actually painful and made me start this writing account because i was offended at the lack of fics for him was Armin.

Now that this spot is open again, ngl kamisato ayato is creeping into my heart so fast.

#talking🕯#i adore that man #i want to write so many things for him

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aphrodite-would-be-proud · 2 years

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Reminder to self to write that vampire Mikasa and Annie x fem!reader fic as a Halloween parody.

#talking🕯#maybe nurse reader or maybe works in a blood donation clinic

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aphrodite-would-be-proud · 2 years

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Breaking news! Local tumblr writer finds out they aren't contractly obliged to write every fic request they get.

Imma delete the old ones and open requests again. Also genshin requests are highly encouraged.

#talking🕯#nothing is wrong with the current ones i have #im just not interested in writing any of them #they're good ideas i just don't want to

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aphrodite-would-be-proud · 2 years

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Rivals with cadet Erwin pt.3

{ pt.1 | pt.2 | pt.3 | pt.4 }

{Erwin x Reader | tw: military, tw: almost fighting someone | romantic comedy, enemies to lovers, slow burn | canonverse}

{"The wedding morning" by Konstantin Johannes Franz Cretius, 1814-1901}

"Aren't you going to back me up on this?" You pleaded, hoping your mutual friend would be the voice of reason.

"You know he's on my side here right?" Erwin interjected, raising an eyebrow as he too eyed the tall figure sprawled on the bed across the both of you.

Despite the intense negotiations that have been going on here for the past 2 hours, Miche barely added anything of value to the conversation and he was adamant on keeping it that way.

Sparing the both of you a mere glance from behind the book he's reading, a shrug was all you got before he adjusted his grip on the leather cover, flipping the page.

"You know that coming here would give the impression that you'd add something to the conversation, Miche." Eriwn said, fingers rubbing his temple to get rid of the aching feeling of the upcoming headache following this.

"He's right" you crossed your arms, only to follow it with "for once." for good measures.

Knowing that ignoring two of the most stubborn people he has met in his life would only bring him more pestering, Miche begrudgingly set his book.

"First of all" he glared, "the 'here' that i came to, is my room."

"Our room." Erwin interrupted.

"My side of the room." Miche shot back, pointing to the invisible line that the two men must have agreed on years ago.

Without giving Erwin any more attention, Miche continued, "second of all. The two of you made the deal, therefore you deal with it yourselves"

"Well maybe if someone actually could understand basic words, then he'd know that a favour doesn't cover for what he's asking." You were getting more frustrated by having to go back and forth on this subject, aimlessly running in circles.

"You're blowing this out of proportion" Erwin 'gaslights you to your own face' Smith replied, " I simply asked you to…consider it and give it a lot of thought."

"And I did." You repeat yourself for the fifth time, "the answer is no."

"Then consider it again." He says with a straight face.

You're talking to a wall, a brick wall that calls itself Erwin and walks on two legs. "No means no, just how many times do i have to rethink about it."

"Till the answer becomes yes."

Feeling fed up, you lean closer to his annoying face as you stare him directly in the eye.

For a second, you actually see a glimpse of hope in them when your mouth opens.

"I'm not joining the scouts, Erwin."

And all hope vanishes.

"Then which branch do you plan on joining?" He's still determined he can get through to you.

The only thing keeping you from telling him to shove it and getting as humanly possible away from him right now, is his petty blackmail that he holds over you.

Big enough to get you to agree to have this talk with him right now as your owed favour, but not big enough that you'd risk your life over some horse theft accusation.

You lean back, the hard wood of the bed frame feeling rough against your back. "I don't know." You truly don't.

"Then let's go through them together." And when he says that with his all familiar smug smile, it hits you.

Oh god he's going to use one of his weird logic manipulation tactics on you again.

You swallow down.

"The most common choice for a cadet is usually the Garrison." He pretends to think as he pauses, like he didn't rehearse this whole conversation with an unwilling Miche hours before you came.

While yeah you're being forced into having this conversation, you still keep true to your word and actually put some effort into considering this.

Picturing yourself wearing the bi-roses jacket, being part of the largest military division which means you'll never be understaffed.

Maybe it's not so bad, they get holidays and are generalist in nature. You'd get the best of both worlds, being able to keep in touch with society while still walking the edge of danger when maintaining the outer walls.

"But then again, you'd be akin to a youth pastor without all the church health care benefits. Telling kids off when they try to draw on the wall, town people coming to you to find their missing pets, said kids or to solve some petty theft issue." He slowly begins to shatter your rose colored view on the Garrison.

And he goes on, listing how 90% of the people currently employed are completely unprepared and unqualified to face an actual titan wall breach, how it's all a bunch of drunks with wasted potential. You know just completely disregarding their complex lives as humans with struggles and judging them the same way a farmer would to livestock.

Yet still, he held some sense to his words, making a valid point through his long lecture of why the Garrison is a waste of resources 101.

"Alright I get it." You stop him before he could finish why the Survey corps should be getting the Garrison share of the government funding. "I'm not joining the Garrison."

With a satisfied smile, he says "Good." Like a fly to a spider, you fall right into his web. "If not the Garrison and not the Survey corps then…maybe the military police brigade?"

You already made it to the top ten so why not?

"Maybe" you reply, a part of you realises how little thought you've actually put into deciding what to join.

You've been so focused on your current position as a cadet and how to succeed in it that…you completely forgot it was temporary.

All the rankings, all the tests and all the friendships you've made would just be gone like it never existed the second you step outside this training facility with your belongings.

"They actually get good pay, you know, not to mention the noble reputation that comes with it." Maybe listening to Nile's ramblings on the many benefits he'd get once he graduates wasn't a huge waste of your time.

If he wasn't expecting you to actually show interest in joining the military police, he didn't show it at the start.

But instead of going into another lecture, he only said "Is that all you want?"

"Huh?" You didn't get to fully process what he said before he continued on.

"A good pay and a decent reputation is all you aspire to? You've put in so much effort so far and you're just going to throw it away to live comfortably as a glorified decor for the rich?"

Why was he taking this so personally?

"They protect the king, they're the closest thing to the noble knights the history books mention." You argue.

"Because a single person definitely needs hundreds of guards to protect him. Like I said," he looks you up and down, " a decor for the rich."

Turning towards Miche, your eyes dig into his back, "are you hearing this?"

Not bothering to turn around from his position, he replies, "you shouldn't be ashamed if that's what you want." He doesn't hide his yawn, "although maybe you should've considered marrying into aristocracy instead, definitely easier than being a soldier."

You were done with both of them, "you know what maybe i should've, Miche. Thanks for your thoughtful input." You couldn't have made your tone more sarcastic if you tried.

"You're welcome." And with that he stretches his arms, "it's getting late, unless you want to spend the weekend with the instructor cleaning equipment, you should get back to your own cabinet."

True to his words it is really dark outside, the moon illuminating the sky as the candlelights fade from the windows of each surrounding building.

A sense of relief fills you at the fact the day has finally ended, you've successfully fulfilled your end of the bargain and showed up here to listen to Eriwn's proposal like you promised.

No longer being obligated to stay, you don't waste a second to leave. "Well nice chat, how about we never do it again." You get up from where you've been sitting on Erwin's bed, feeling your legs waking up after sitting down in one position for so long.

Exiting the dreadful room quickly, you take a breath of fresh air, letting the cold night breeze surround you for a good minute.

And then you hear the wooden door open from behind you.

You regret not sprinting back to your room when you had the chance.

"Let me walk you back" Erwin says, "it still falls under the deal we made, you promised the whole night didn't you?"

You stare at him with an annoyed expression, "you're not planning on sharing my bed till sunrise as you repeat your argument, are you?"

"You have my word, I won't step a foot inside." He makes a crossing heart gesture.

Accepting your fate, you reason with yourself that It's just a 10 minutes walk, what's the worst that can happen.

Despite the lovely night and clear sky with each star rivalling the other, the walk is just tense and awkward with a suffocating slimy thick silence.

Maybe you should say something, it will help make this 10 minutes shorter.

"There's nothing wrong with wanting a comfortable life you know." Why on earth would you say that? You're just begging him to start the argument again at this point.

"Is that so?" He doesn't take the bait thankfully.

Still you feel a weird need to justify yourself to him, you've never cared about what he thinks about you but something about saying you're wasting all your efforts just hit a nerve.

"A lot of people would give everything to qualify to join" those words feel strange in your mouth, like they're not your own but you've heard people say them so many times it became a latching thought.

Not to mention a lot of people were actually giving their all in training, some even more hardworking than you. Yet for things they can't control, their best efforts couldn't surpass what came naturally to the people at the top rankings.

They had their skills and talents, but none that the world you live in would deem valuable.

Not hearing his steps beside you anymore, you turned back to look at him.

A shiver ran down your spine at the drastic change in his expression from just seconds ago, he looked absolutely pissed.

He started walking again, towards you this time.

Suppressing the fight or flight urges that have been trained in you, you try to deescalate the situation by taking slow steps back since you know he isn't the type of person to start a fight.

Not to mention is he really going to actually fight you over this?

As your back hits a wall, you tell yourself that you won't hesitate to break his arm if your gut feeling is actually right.

But he stops just before he gets close enough that you could justify shoving him away, almost like he knows exactly where your limits are and how far he could push the line before it snaps.

Still, it is close enough that he almost has you cornered, leaving a space you could escape from any second you want.

And yet you stay, he tests the waters and steps even closer. Gambling away his jaw remaining intact with each step you allow him to take.

"It's my own fault for thinking you were different from the rest." Betrayal and disappointment is crystal clear in his voice, eyes burning into you as if you've personally stabbed him in the back.

"I'm not going to apologise for ruining your imaginary image of me." You're not sure why he's making this a big deal, but you're not going to let him take out his personal issues on you.

Seeing your reflection in his eyes, the same twings of vulnerability shows itself just like that other day in the tavern.

He can tell that you can tell that he's desperate.

At any point you can just walk away, you don't have to listen to him just because he's in a sorry state right now.

Yet you remain still, not out of pity.

"What if…" he clears his throat, like he knows what he's going to say isn't going to be convincing, " what if we get married."

You blink.

He blinks back.

"Pardon?"

He looks away, "we're of legal age, i know a priest that will agree for a price and i can get us a respectable church with enough time and-"

Maybe he's actually lost it.

"Don't no, just…" you stop him as confusion fills you, what do you even say?

After giving him enough seconds so he would admit his poor attempt at humour and stop this joke, you're only met with anticipation filled eyes and nothing more.

"Why?"

He has the audacity to look confused at your question.

"Isn't this what you wanted?"

You almost choke, since when!?

"No?"

"Yes?" He replies, "You want a comfortable life, I could provide that eventually and exchange…"

His voice is right next to your ear, now more confident in the argument he's making. "I get you. I get your skills, your opinions and evaluations."

"You want me to unofficially work under you? By getting married as a front?" You're not sure that you're following his train of thought.

"More or less if you put it harshly that way." He gives you a bit of space, "the way i see it, is that you'll be getting your comfortable lifestyle whilst not wasting your skills and efforts, of course i will reward you for your consultation and only ask you to help with the on base operations once a week."

Only he can make a marriage proposal sound like a government job application.

For all the praise people and teachers throw his way for being exceptionally smart, you realise how big of a moron he is.

"You think you can bribe me into unofficially joining the survey corps by marriage."

"Yes, How is it any different from joining the military police? At least you'd help humanity more in this scenario and I assure you I'm not as pretentious as the people you'd be dealing with there, especially since I would be your husband after all."

"Do you even understand what marriage is? What makes you think I'd just agree to marrying the first person that offers a bit of luxury?"

He questions if you're messing with him, "you seemed disappointed that you didn't marry an aristocrat just a few minutes ago with Miche, I'm giving you another chance at your dream, so why aren't you taking it?"

"That…" you place a hand on his shoulder, "was sarcasm."

...

"Oh." He stares at you, embarrassment slowly creeping into his features as he avoids eye contact.

You would laugh if you didn't actually feel a bit sorry for him.

Clearing his throat, he says "so…you wouldn't marry for a comfortable life?" He seems keen on dying on this hill.

"No."

"Hm…" with a completely serious expression he continues, "i must have misunderstood. I thought my plan this time was foolproof."

The silliness of the situation is starting to down on you as the silence fills the air except for the chirping of a night cricket that could be heard nearby.

Maybe it's the leftover adrenaline from the fight or flight nearly activating or maybe you're just sleep deprived but you feel a smile creeping up your lips.

God this is just so silly to happen over a misunderstanding.

"What kind of person do you think I am?" You ask rhetorically, thinking of how this could've been avoided if he picked on your sarcasm.

Seeming relieved over the fact you're not angry, he doesn't care that he just embarrassed himself enough to last a lifetime, as he smiles back at you.

"That's what I'm trying to find out."

You snort, nudging his arm away as you get your personal space back.

"God you're just…something."

It's his turn to chuckle, "amazing choice of words, I've never been called something before."

The light verbal teasing continues as both of you head towards your original direction, it's been a really long day for everyone involved.

Till you finally arrive at your door, voices lowering into hushed tones to not wake up your sleeping roommates inside.

"Hey, I made sure to groom the horse every now and then… I think." No you didn't.

"Uh huh, you really thought the mud would magically disappear from him each morning?" He could see through your lies.

You shrugged, "maybe he's just a really smart horse? How could I have known you were taking care of him like some sneaky tooth fairy that cleans horses instead."

He covers his mouth to stop himself from laughing, steadying himself before removing it. " A horse cleaning fairy?"

"Shut up."

You walk up the small steps carefully so they wouldn't creak, listening closely to the door as you only hear soft snoring inside.

Bless your roommate's heavy sleeping.

"Hey uh…" Erwin whispers loud enough to get your attention. "I just wanted to say that…I'm sorry, for all of this."

This is the first time you've heard him apologise to you, at least sincerely.

"Well I don't forgive you." You reply, " but I appreciate the gesture."

He's smiled this night alone more than you've seen him do for all the years you've known him.

"Thank you." He looks sincere, "sleep well."

With that, he begins walking away.

You watch him from the door.

The light mood you've just had begins to sour, a melancholic feeling taking its place.

You've asked people around this morning before having this talk with him, only a handful is even considering joining the scouts.

The only people that actually had their join requests already written and sent waiting approval, were him and Miche.

Stepping inside, you tiptoe towards your bed, your sleeping roommate none the wiser.

As you lay under the covers that night, you begin to wonder what it is you actually want.

While the occasional indulgence in comfort is refreshing, you know deep down you're already too used to the military lifestyle to go back to the civilian one, it'd be like taking a bird's wings away just as it got used to flying.

Your eyelids become too heavy as you start dozing off.

The look of pure desperation in his eyes is the last image your brain conjures.

Taglist : @rapsgoddess

#Erwin🕯️#aot x reader #aot x y/n #fluff #snk x reader #erwin smith x reader #erwin x you #erwin x reader #romantic comedy #enemies to lovers #slow burn

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