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magical-makopi
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Dear Mama
I’m sad mama
I wish I could call you but you wouldn’t understand.
That I’m so weak. From years of having to be strong.
My defenses wore out before my own life had even begun.
And now I’m sad mama
Having to face my pain all on my own.
A hell called trauma.
A place where you go to burn all alone.
I hate my life mama
I hated it long before it had ever truly begun.
But you wouldn’t…
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The Blues of Tomorrow
I am sorrow....
I... am rain.
I am the sureness of tomorrow.
The... foundation of your pain.
I am... the vacancy in your eyes
The fog inside your brain...
I am... the will that never dies
The war...you fight in vain...
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Life in Serenity
I wanna live a life that is easy.
Gentle as a cool summer breeze.
I wanna love…as tenderly
As a boat swaying at sea.
I wish…to stay true to my soul
And find joy
Living a life so completely unremarkable.
I… wanna enjoy
All that is quiet and subtle.
I just… wanna exist
In my own benevolent paradise
A lovely sunny bliss
A home I can recognize.
Somewhere within you.
Somewhere…
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The Swarm
Like flies on shit, you buzz around my head.
So many thoughts, so much that needs to be said.
6,000 tweets a second, 10,000 ads per day.
I can’t even hear myself through this god-awful noise
And it’s all begun to look the same.
Wanna make a million?
Hop on YouTube, start some drama.
Teach the girls how to impress the boys or tell em why you hate your mama.
React to the reaction of a…
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Chronic
Alone with all my thoughts
Alone with my exhaustion and profound melancholy
My restless mind wars with a body sapped of energy
I’m sick of this fatigue
I miss the old me
I resent this hellacious disease
I miss feeling alive
I’m tired of feeling depleted and dissatisfied
I am a dreamer trapped inside
A body that is unchanging
A form continuously failing
I’m so completely unfulfilled
By this…
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Departed
Hello ethereal lover.
Lost in time, forevermore.
Consigned to heavenly oblivion.
You’ve left me all alone.
Ghost of my love
Is it too late to let you go?
And if so…
Can you whisper to the bitter wind?
What will become of my shattered soul?
Buried underneath this cold hard earth.
Confined inside the death grip of your deteriorating bones.
Goodbye my lost companion.
I lay across your…
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Soul Diver #5
If I could go without food, I would. I’ve been one a mission to obtain perfection since I was 8 years old. I’m sick of this obsession. Is there really nothing more? Count your calories, watch what you eat, watch how much you eat and justify your meals. Make sure they are earned. If you feel full, call yourself an overachiever. If you feel hungry again, you are an over eater. How can you even look…
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Soul Diver #4
Low
I feel so fucking low. I’m so damn angry.
Doesn’t he know? Doesn’t he know that I’m doing my best? Why did he have to say that comment? It hurt a lot! Am I being sensitive? But it hurt my feelings! We were supposed to be intimate. How can I do that when I am so angry at him? I won’t do it. I refuse. If he finds me such a joke, then I don’t have to do it.
I do my best! It’s so fucking hard!…
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Soul Diver #3
Suffering a bout of spiritual numbness, I have neglected all that challenges me and feeds my soul for trash Youtube and social media drama. The garbage I fill my head with is easier to deal with than my own shortcomings. The physical and the emotional.
It’s easier to ignore the things I’m supposed to do. It’s easier to not think of all the things I should or shouldn’t do. So I don’t do. Like a…
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Millions
A.R. Hennessy
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Femina
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Freedom
I haven’t been writing much, and it’s mostly due to me focusing on recovering from the symptoms of my hashimoto’s and partly due to a loss of identity as an athlete and writer. Two worlds that are utterly separate yet two enormous parts of me.
My loss of identity as an athlete comes from me not being able to train the way I used to. It comes from me having to be mindful of the way I train.…
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Autoimmune disease
The American lifestyle is incredibly stressful and I, a proud owner of an ego, thought that I could forever keep up with the fast pace of this life but so much stress is bound to cause damage eventually and at some point, we’re due to pay the price. This autoimmune disease isn’t something that I took seriously at first. Yeah I felt shitty, but I figured that treatment would be enough to make me…
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Hashimoto's
No, it’s not a cool Japanese restaurant. This is an actual condition I’ve been diagnosed with and I am writing this to talk about my health and weight loss struggles and why I haven’t been updating. The simplest answer? I wasn’t making any progress. To be honest, I thought that that sugar fast I did would make me feel better and I’d finally start to see weight loss. I felt a little better and saw…
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Sugar Detox Day 21
The picture on the left is me before the sugar detox and the two on the right are me towards the end. I REFUSE to take any pictures with these horrible fucking bangs. Refuse.
So today is the end of this detox and in a way, I feel a lot of relief even though my life isn’t going to change much. I will still monitor my sugar intake and I will probably not even have to carb cycle anymore.
I wanted…
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Sugar Detox Day 20
Day 20 of this shit and I am so close. I would give my ovaries for a coke zero right now. Even after the detox is over, I’ll still have to stay away because it was turning into a real addiction but Ughghg. I would give anything for just one more taste. If I had seen this detox coming, I would have enjoyed that last one a whole lot more. Oh well. I only have one more day and I am mostly just…
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Sugar Detox Days 15 and 16
Yesterday and today
Yesterday, I experienced a low day. I was exhausted both mentally and physically. My energy was down. I think I was just overwhelmed. I felt hungrier than normal, my head was foggy, and then it didn’t help that I had to track my macros so that I could see that I was getting enough protein and that my carb intake stayed low. It didn’t. I made a few mistakes and totally stuffed…
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