carinavi5

[carinavi5]

Writing helps me. And I haven't in a while.

I got out of my depressive tendencies and anger and frustration regulation issues I had as a teen by keeping a diary. Never went to the psychologist, but I feel confident saying that's what i dealt with. Those things affected my academic, social and family life, as well as my self-esteem and appreciation for life. But it could have easily been worse.

It could have ended with more than just pages torn by my pen, pressed so hard i made it bleed, break in half, leaving oh so many pages under it with a permanent scar. I yelled at my parents a lot, I wasn't the best friend I could have been, but I know that at least I only finished my notebooks, and not their complete faith in me. It kept me from a lot of damaging behavior, even if not all.

After, I wrote my journey with anxiety on a Wattpad diary. Most of it just me expressing as emotionally as I felt my love towards my friends. Thanks to them I managed to start using the public transport, to talk to cashiers or ask for directions. They stayed with me, not making me feel ashamed when i was red, trembling, stammering and butchering those interactions, just patiently waiting next to me, still wanting to spend time with me. A friend of mine has made me cry of love a few too many times, actually. They made sure I had a spot next to them on the bus when it was all gonna be full and I was running late, or forcing conversations between us both so I would stop picking at my skin after talking with a few acquaintances. So considerate in seemingly small ways.

Those changes stayed because I lived and listened to my emotions, while being able to see and feel proud of my progress and development.

I used Tumblr for a few months last year to help me with a new stage in my life, I could feel my thoughts get more and more organized. It was so nice.

But then i stopped. And I spiraled. Back to my bad habits, leaving everything "for later", to the side, messy… Not caring about my hygiene enough, my studies completely abandoned. Engaging in mentally and emotionally harmful behavior that I am now struggling to stop. The worst and harder to fix turn of events is my grades, pressed hard against the floor. But I'm still going to try, even if its just to be able to lie and say that I've worked hard for the class.

[carinavi5]

So I'm a monk😌

I don't really see it, but I feel flattered. I'll probably take it again later lol.

I was expecting anything but not Bard

[carinavi5]

anne commission!!

#WOW #THIS IS ABSOLUTELY INSANE #f #amphibia

[carinavi5]

Buff, I haven't been around here in a LONG time... It is true I'm not in any specific fandom rn, but mmm

Hi~~

[carinavi5]

I, um, I was thinking of buying myself a toy...

[carinavi5]

#teachers that embarrass students. #period.

[carinavi5]

Tweet by John Rogers: “I’m an infamously even-tempered man, but if you take Terry Pratchett’s name in vain for some small-minded bigoted fuckwittery I will push you down a set of fucking stairs and laugh at the bounce.”

#t #terry pratchett

[carinavi5]

Good :)

Ok, maybe that one not so much. But pretty good over all

#archery #v

[carinavi5]

I know it sounds bad, but being queer is a choice. Being out, being someone others can actively discriminate after only knowing for a short while, is a choice. And it's a hard one.

I have queer written in my bio on one of my insta accounts, but I think I should take it out. I had been openly queer with my classmates and friends from the ages 12 to 17 more or less. But now I am inside an unlocked closet here in this university, and I know I don't seem as queer as I did before.

It was so easy being openly queer and quirky when that's who I had been my whole life. Now I have brown long hair, and I dress more acordingly to my assigned gender. And I haven't told anyone here that I am queer. I don't even know how I'd explain it, I don't want to. Even when I'm asked, I push myself inside this closet.

I'm the victim of my own oppression. How do I expect others to be comfortably queer next to me, when I can't even do so with myself? After all, I'm just another white, cis, straight girl.

#v #lgbtq #lgbtqia #lgbt+

[carinavi5]

A few days ago, well, more like a few weeks ago, I did this :D

This isn't the smallest target i can use, but I'm quite happy i managed to do three great shots in one day.

I have't felt like I'm a good archer in a while, but I'm starting to regain my confidence. As long as I don't stop trying to improve and I keep going regularly, there's nothing to worry about.

I love archery. It has helped me so much with my anxiety through my life, and it has given me a great life philosophy to manage stressful situations.

It has provided me with a community, it's an individual sport but everyone is always kind, helpful and welcoming.

Not only that, It motivates me to maintain my body healthy. I usually hate doing sports and exercise, but because if i want to improve i have to maintain myself in an adequate health it gives me motivation.

#i just needed to talk about this beautiful sport that has helped me so much in so many ways #archery #v

[carinavi5]

#ive clicked the “more than one of these” option but im just halfway there in three of them lol #so #i have something like arachnophobia for sure but im most often than not just called exaggerated so meh #im not vegetarian but i am interested in at some point in my future having a more vegetarian diet(im not sure if ill get to do it full time) #ive dyed my hair on my own a few times and cut some parts and bits here and there #it never looked good but i absolutely loved it lol #v

[carinavi5]

oh i don't know what young adult needs to hear this but you should google what day your 10,000th day will be & set a reminder in your calendar. it happens somewhere in your 27th year. i was really bummed when i googled my own and found out i had missed it by like 2 months.

(if you missed yours too, no worries, we both get another chance to celebrate 15,000 at 41. Unfortunately you will be 54 years old before you are 20,000 days old, at which point we will have overthrown the concept of linear time anyway)

life is very cute, and you have struggled a very long time to be here, and i love you. sometimes i think we need to invent our reasons for celebration. maybe today you are 10,345 days old. or 12,345. or 8,435. maybe u should just celebrate because it is a weekday, and those are hard days. i love u , light a candle and blow it out. i'm proud of you for staying.

#in 45 days ill be 6666 days old :3

[carinavi5]

I had a teacher 7 or 8 years ago that I still mention in all the projects I can. He made such a big difference in my life just by showing me respect and what empathy and questioning society looks like.

I said something, or laughed at a random picture, and he'd ask me why was I laughing. Just that. And my whole perspective changed. It happened a few times.

And he helped me keep myself organised as much as he could. He was lovely. I hope I can see him again some day.

#im studying education it makes sense for me to mention him sometimes #v #im doing a project about what education ive received and hes obviously the main character lol

[carinavi5]

I think one of the best things to happen to me in my life is archery. I'm not even good, but it has given me tools to manage my anxiety, and is now helping me make friends.

#archery #v

[carinavi5]

I'm... making friends? What's this weird feeling?

#v

[carinavi5]

#but i can dislocate and relocate my jaw #v

[carinavi5]

It’s confirmed that he’s way more than happy to play the damsel in distress.

#ineffable husbands #good omens #f