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What happens to our digital selves after we die?

One of our many limitations as a human is, we could not foresee when exactly we’re going to die. Also, the word death itself exudes somber mood or even mere shudder. It is uncomfortable indeed. But have you ever wondered for a split second what would have become of our digital selves after we die?

Abandoned that’s for sure –well no shit! there is no phone signal in one’s grave. Besides, when we reach rigor mortis, our limbs will all be stiffened and there’s no way one could hold a phone let alone typing :p

Long before social media even exists in the first place, people are remembered from by what he/she have done, how he/she treated one another and how he/she stand up and speak out for something they hold dear through word of mouth or diary entries. Generally speaking, it’s probably not the case with famous people where their every notable move was published in the newspaper or magazine.

However, thanks to the mighty Internet, our utterance and thoughts once posted would forever stay. Intact. For God knows how long. But have you ever wished that we could know where we’re going to die so that we could wipe our digital existence? Our inappropriate, racist, twisted, banal and trivial thoughts? Or even.. do you want to be remembered differently?

For all I know, we could never be our real self in social media. It’s a make-believe, a construct or the fancy way to call it ‘personal brand’. Why is it not real? Well, personal brand was sold to us on the idea of control. We want to be seen as we want to be seen. I don’t think nobody is their genuine self on social media. I mean no one wants to know that your failure, anxiety or deepest regrets displayed on their feed. What a buzzkill!

As a person of questionable moral fortitude and little to no experience with consequences, I personally wanted to be remembered as good as possible despite my human imperfections. I mean, it must be confusing to be Paul Gauguin with one google away we could see his beautiful and widely celebrated paintings while also notoriously known of marrying three Tahitian minors (all aged below 15) and infected all of them with syphilis. Devastating of course. One more example is Donald Trump with his cringe-worthy tweets or commentaries. Did they ever think what were they going to be remembered as?

This brings the question, why are we the way we are? I don’t have any definite answer to that but as terrible as this is, I get it. To quote from The Goldfinch book, we can’t choose what we want and don’t want and that’s the hard-lonely truth. Sometimes we want what we want even if we know it’s going to kill us or make us look bad. We can’t escape who we are and we don’t get to choose our own hearts.

Admit it life is a catastrophe. The basic fact of existence -walking around trying to feed ourselves and find friends ok whatever else we do is catastrophe. As Schopenhauer said that existence is pain, one made two mistakes: the first you’re innocent of – you were born, and that you could not really help. But the second mistake is that you still continue living. In other words of my nihilistic farce: better never born, than born into this cesspool. No way forward but age and loss, and no way out but death. Pretty grim, isn’t it?

This is no way a suicide note. Life is too short and fate is cruel. That nature (or death in this case) will always win but that doesn’t mean we have to bow and grovel to it. That maybe even if we’re not always glad to be here, it’s our task to immerse ourselves anyway: wade right through the cesspool with open eyes and open hearts. There are plenty of beautiful things to see and enjoy, places to visit as well as people to know.

But personally, I think we are such a ‘brave’ individual who has decided to sign our soul away to corporations whom we have a vague idea how their policy works regarding privacy. Of course, there’s no definite way to live one’s life, but one should understand that almost all of us are in the deep playing the “game of consequences” in our virtual life (including me and yes slightly not proud of it).

Also, things I have been thoroughly enjoying:

Facetime with my boyfriend to basically talk about anything, even random shit. Although sometimes I zoned out just to look at his face and enjoyed the sound of his laughter that I miss the most. Why don’t you try it with your significant others, family members or dear friends *wink wink*

Anne Carson writings, for the pdfs click here

Dark, a German science fiction series on Netflix

Camille Saint-Saëns Le Cygne arranged for Cello and Piano on Spotify

#bookshelf #books #bookclub #bookworm #bibliophile #daily life #rant #quarantine life #reading #goodreads #read #readmore #life story

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At the trial of God, we will ask: why did you allow this? 

And the answer will be an echo: why did you allow this?

—  Ilya Kaminsky, from Deaf Republic

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Being able to function normally during the pandemic and political turmoil sounds like a frivolous idea. This week, work was a little busier than usual and my plan to study German properly seemed to wither away (I mean how could you study, wenn alles irgendwie anstrengend!). So, this time I just want to share books I have read featuring female writers from different background i.e POC, LGBTQ, immigrants, cis-gender white female among others.

My Year of Rest and Relaxation – Ottessa Moshfegh

A strange novel about an educated, white, thin, pretty, young, rich (basically uber-privileged lady) who can afford to experiment in narcotic hibernation, aided and abetted by one of the worst psychiatrists. She lives in the Upper East Side of Manhattan paid for, like everything else, by her inheritance. In other words, she can live comfortably without having to do any jobs *gasp*. Reading this book is like an ode to go against the current and escape capitalism where our life is measured by productivity and if anything the heroine in this book could proof that doing nothing is a luxury.     

The God of Small Things – Arundhati Roy

This is a solid Greek tragedy and I am not even exaggerating. Set in Kerala, India, the story hovers around the life of a twin who went through A LOT (and still not exaggerating) including the caste system, religious tensions, communism, forbidden love, history and colonialism, class, culture, among others. I can imagine the atmosphere of book to be grim and uncomfortable, but the prose, choice of words and metaphors are too pretty to be missed (even when the ending was a little bit of a shocker!). Please read this, hmu when you have finished and let’s have an angry crying fest.

Alien & Anorexia – Chris Krauss

After I Love Dick and now this! Fun, tongue-in-cheek yet stylish and full of panache kind of title. Chris Krauss combined philosophy, part memoir, part biography, and art criticism in a whole ass book pondering the life and work of Simone Weil (an ‘anorexic’ French commie philosopher), Ulrike Meinhof (a West German far-left militant who allegedly committed suicide in her prison cell) and Paul Thek (an American artist).

The story hovers around those notable beings interpolated with Chris Krauss’ narrative and/or personal essays as a bulimic writer purging words from a mind that wants to empty itself, become alien, de-create. Sex. S and M phone sex with ‘Africa’. Her failed movie project, Gravity & Grace. Extra-marital affairs. Sounds like a recipe of a disaster but Chris Krauss managed to string them beautifully that I thoroughly enjoy this book. Brilliant -if not sublime. MUST READ.

A Mercy – Toni Morisson

A story of four females (three slaves and one mistress) trying their best to carry on with their lives in the 1680’s when slave trade was still in infancy where class division, prejudice and oppression were rampant. The four voices echoed through the book are Florens who were casted off by her mother to another master wishing to save her but ended up never able to exorcise that initial abandonment only to experience another bigger and destructive abandonment that change Floren’s course of life forever; Lina, an aborigine whose tribe was decimated by smallpox and was so damaged that she avoided love at all cost; Rebekka the mistress, who flee from religious intolerant England with the promise of new land in America only to be embittered by childlessness and husband’s early death; lastly, Sorrow, the weird girl with no re-collection of her earlier life trying to cope with her new life as a slave. Beautifully written but I feel the character development is lacking and when the book finally ended, I was underwhelmed and parched for wanting to know more about them.

Home Fire – Kamila Shamsie

The story focused around three orphans of Pakistani descent who lives in the United Kingdom. Another tragic story where family were torn apart when their father, who had been a jihadist had died in American custody. This is set at the time when the attraction of going to Raqqa, Syria to join ISIL was there for some Muslim youth and the family are being watched because of their father.

Another main character is Kamarat Lone, the UK’s Home Secretary, who were brought up as a Muslim but has been very critical against British Muslims saying that they are not British-enough (which I would like to argue that British-ness is a very vague concept). This book brings us the question of self-identity as a Muslim in a secular world where one has to follow the ‘norm’ in order not to be prejudiced as well as question about nationality, citizenship, loyalty and betrayal.

Self-Help – Lorrie Moore

A collection of short stories rich with characters and wit that it did not need to be a whole-ass hundred pages of explanation to get the points across and to evoke hear-pangs to the reader. It started strongly with ‘How to be an other women’ (which kinda explain why the anthology is called Self-Help) telling story of a woman who learns how to conduct an affair, followed by a tale of one’s life seized by a cold man, kid’s guide to divorce, a woman with terminal illness contemplates her exit (disclaimer: those who are suicidal please refrain from reading this story!), a woman contemplates ways to end a dying relationship, notes on how to talk to one’s mother and how to become a writer. Solid book! 10/10 would recommend.

Jenny Hval – Paradise Rot (not pictured, read the E-book version)

Ok I am tired of typing but I have so many questions after reading this book, is Carral (one of the main characters in the book) is real? If not is she a ghost? Monster? Zombie? Or a.. mushroom? Also did Jenny (also one of the main characters) were taking so much shrooms that she had her brain damaged and Carral was actually a figment of her imagination thanks to her rotten brain? Anybody wants to have discussions about Carral’s existence?

#reading #bookworm #bookclub #bookish #bookaddict #bookstagram #books #bibliophile #booktube #goodreads #read

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When the lock-down in Malaysia was first announced, I was basking in the sun with the wave sound in Bali. It hit me with the revelation that I could not enter Malaysia, my home for these past 10 years. Long story short, I ended up staying in Jakarta with my family.

Imbued with the sadness of parting with my boyfriend, I overcompensated the feeling with throwing myself back to work- from home, signing up to numerous free online classes, committing to several workout from home sessions and all. None of them were able to soothe my restlessness. Figured, one needs to be wooed by words and showered with imageries running through my head with every word, every sentence.

Without wasting more time, I indulged in Mount Analogue by René Daumal. It documents his allegorical tale of an expedition to a mountain whose existence can only be deduced, not observed. Weirdly captivating but it ends abruptly as the author died mid-sentence. Did he make it to the top? Nobody knows.

One day after the mellow-ness dissipated, I picked up a short story by Kristen Roupenian, Cat People. Don’t be fooled, it has nothing to do with cat or any felines whatsoever. It centers on the relationship between 20 years old Margot and 34 years old Robert. Margot who fell into Robert but not exactly real Robert. How’s Robert not real? Robert was a construct, he was built inside Margot’s head with statement supplied by Robert (which we have no way of knowing whether those statements are true or not) and cooked with romanticism. When things didn’t turn out as expected, Margot dropped him and ended up with him calling her with a classic, whore. After that I deleted it and ate my dinner. Do I dislike it? No. Do I like it? No.

After watching the news with mum on TV, brushed my teeth, and had few hours to spare before sleeping. So I picked up The Nose by Gogol. I know picking it up before sleeping might induce a nightmare. But ok I am probably a masochist so let me torture myself with a nightmare that would scare me for a lifetime so bring it on. The story follows an unfortunate tale of a status-climber, Major Kovalyov, whose nose went missing, gained its own consciousness, tried to escape and run away to Riga. Epic tale.

My restlessness is not entirely gone but at least it’s well-managed now.

Stay safe, stay home and spread love not virus.

#book review #bookclub #bookworm #bibliophile #reading #bookish #bookstagram #goodreads #rene daumal #gogol #cat people #kristen roupenian #the newyorker

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Books on separation, abandonment, loss of identity, womanhood and motherhood.

They hit me hard with the realisation that -quoting from one of the books, when a woman has to find a new way of living and breaks from the societal story that has erased her name, she is expected to be viciously self hating, crazed with suffering and tearful with remorse.

Many women stay in toxic relationships for plethora of reasons (and men too!). One of them is to avoid scrutiny from the society. Where i am from, being a divorcee is frowned upon despite the presence of highly valid reasons i.e abusive partner, promiscuity, financial related reason etc. Sad.

#goodreads #bookshelf #book review #bookworm #bookstagram #bookclub #reading #read #bibliophile

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but we have the choice not to succumb into whatever shown on social media and ads. just be you, do what you want to do (but do something that your future self will thank you for!)

i’m done hearing about small pores, i’m done hearing about smooth legs, i’m done hearing about frizzy hair, about under eye bags, about dull skin, short eyelashes, waistlines... how many more years can women take this constant scrutiny? from ads on public transportation, sponsored posts on social media, tabloid covers in the checkout lines, our subconscious minds are regularly noting all these subtle accusations that we are falling short of our duty to the world to be attractive. i can’t even sit in my own goddamn home by myself and watch tv without some corporation trying to make bank by paying an unnaturally pretty model to practically laugh into the camera and point out another imperfection of mine. i’m tired and i’d like to go just one day without being reminded that i’m on display

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https://www.instagram.com/p/BqZVvp3FlmD/

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Google summer reading list to the search bar and an endless list came out, among those are:

The Atlantic – What We’re Reading This Summer

Berkeley Summer Reading

J.P. Morgan Summer Reading List

The New Yorker – What We’re Reading This Summer 2019

I have nothing against the lists, instead really appreciate and welcome them to my heart’s content. However as someone who lives in the tropics where summer is all year long, I chuckled and puzzled (at the same damn time!) on the idea of summer reading list which offers broad choices of books to be read during summer vacation. Does it mean yall living in four seasons region have reading lists based on the season?

Without further ado, let’s make my trashy summer reading list but you live in the tropics where it’s summer all year long. On the list below you’ll find compelling fiction and nonfiction to fuel your escapade from humidity and pits smell during your commute to work.

My Year of Rest and Relaxation – Ottessa Moshfegh

A strange novel about an educated, thin, pretty, young and privileged lady who can afford to experiment in narcotic hibernation, aided and abetted by one of the worst psychiatrists. She lives in the Upper East Side of Manhattan paid for, like everything else, by her inheritance. I mean with this humid and hot weather who doesn’t want to sleep in a good apartment with air-condition blasting 24/7 for free. But then again we live in third world country with meager salary so it’s not happening sisters. Hence, read this book and imagine that you are in her position.

 Call Me by Your Name – André Aciman

As goodreads put it, Call Me by Your Name is the story of a sudden and powerful romance that blossoms between an adolescent boy and a summer guest at his parents' cliff-side mansion on the Italian Riviera. A sweet and poetic book to read during your commute to your 8 to 5 job, it helps to mask the smell of armpit sweat in the subway and divert your mind to Italian Riviera. I spent one Friday night right after work to finish the book and cried myself to sleep. 10/10 would re-read (and probably cry again).

The Shallows: What the Internet Is Doing to Our Brains – Nicholas Carr

This book explores how the effect of the Internet on our brain. Pretty compelling read to show how addictive the Internet is. I will beg you to put down your phone, turn off notifications and probably ignore your boss’ emails. YOLO, I am in a summer vacation (all year long). No don’t do it! Reply your boss’ emails, don’t get fired you need that money for rent and also your upcoming winter holiday.

Dead Souls – Nikolai Gogol

It’s too hot, too humid. You’re tired but restless. Read this for fun. No it’s not a self-help book with obnoxious titles such as The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck and The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k among others. This is not a book to describe millennials’ souls. Yes we might be dead inside due to climate change, increase in housing and education price as well as populism on the rise. In short, this book is about a guy hustling to be rich in a wrong side of business who ended up in not a good situation (talking about karma peeps!).

That’s all from me, finished my iced coffee 30 mins ago and now the waiter is eyeing me. No budget for another cuppa. Guess I’ve got to bolt. Ciao!

#reading #goodreads #book review #bookstagram #bookshelf #bookworm

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Charlotte Brontë: Here's my novel about a young governess who falls in love with a charming asshole edgelord who keeps his wife in the attic

Emily Brontë: Here's my novel about a tragic orphan and a young lady who torture each other and call it love

Anne Brontë: Here's my novel about a woman who leaves an abusive marriage and nabs herself a hot young Yorkshire sheepfarmer who Treats Her Right

Me: Oh thank God, at least one of you is sensible.

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“A cat has absolute emotional honesty: human beings, for one reason or another, may hide their feelings, but a cat does not.” ― Ernest Hemingway

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Ali Smith 

source

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Ornella Vanoni - Senza Fine