dearjuliet

[dearjuliet]

TBC.

I can never really give up Tumblr. I feel like I have too many hours spent scrolling, typing, learning, growing, changing here to throw it all away. It wouldn’t feel right because I feel like this website, as simple and intangible as it may be.. Has a part of me. Despite how long it may have been since I last posted an insignificant series of words here, I always feel like I’m still welcome to come back and pour my heart out. I’ve made a personal choice a long time ago to keep the sacred and private aspects of my life away from forms of social media. But I still feel that urge to type away and have my words fall on deaf ears, especially considering the only blogs that follow me nowadays are scummy porn blogs. So here we are..

Lets start off with something positive because I will never get over how much of a change I have made in my life. I’m so proud of myself for what I’ve overcome in the last year. Despite the shortcomings and challenges I still have ahead of me, I need to remember that I’m responsible for all the positive changes in my life and nobody can take that away from me. I’ve achieved more in the past 9 months all by myself than most people have, especially as young as myself. I can sit here today taking pride in the fact that I can say I’m 6 months clean of drugs. I can sit here today and say I’m succeeding in the career path I am in and although I didn’t necessarily choose it, I am so overwhelmingly grateful for having the opportunity to thrive in an environment where I’m respected as an individual, where I always have room to learn and grow and most importantly I am not miserable nor in a toxic surrounding. I can sit here and say I’m proud of all the positivity I’ve been able to maintain in my life. But sometimes I can’t help but fall into this unnerving spiral of emotions. Especially when I try to evaluate why I do the certain things that I despite that I do. Sometimes I get really lonely. Sometimes I rip myself apart trying to figure out why I can’t be in a healthy relationship. Every single person I would meet and try to form a connection with, I get bored of after I spend a certain amount of time with them, usually consisting of only a month or so. But yet I miss and long for those who either have done me wrong in the past or simply moved on with their lives. I start to question whether I just like the chase and the games that are played. Whether I still subconsciously believe I just deserve those who don’t treat me right, despite how much I have grown to love myself as a person. Old habits die hard, right? This just pushes me into the mentality that I should stay single. But don’t get me wrong, I have no objection to it. In fact, I love having my alone time. I just question why I’m almost incapable of being in a relationship again, especially since my last two ‘serious’ ones where nothing short of toxic. I love being able to have this time to really figure myself out - my likes, dislikes, interests, hobbies, aspirations; but sometimes it just gets really lonely and depressing..  I’m also starting to question my ability to maintain any sort of healthy relationship.  Overall, I’ve been a listener more than a talker in regards to sharing my personal feelings or difficult subjects with the people in my life. I’ve always felt like I’m capable of solving my own problems and don’t need to burden people with unimportant matters. And the funniest part is most of my relationships, be it friendships or otherwise, will always start off in the same way. X person will share a little bit about themselves, as would I. As we get more comfortable they start opening up more, whereas I progressively begin to shut down. Then it just becomes one sided. They talk, I only listen. And of course I take partial blame. But just because I don’t speak up, doesn’t mean I just want to listen. Just because I don’t speak up, doesn’t mean I don’t have something to say. I’m so sick of being that friend. I’m so sick of being that one sided support system. I’m so sick of being walked all over. 

I don’t think this was suppose to be the end, or even have an end. But instead be a “to be continued..” as Tumblr remains to be my little bit of solitude. 

[dearjuliet]

Its so funny how you can be doing so fucking well and one single thing can make everything come crashing down.

#fuck the progress right?

[dearjuliet]

Hi you're cute and we should date

Something could be arranged if you weren't in hiding.

[dearjuliet]

Kind of sad that it's almost April (also my birthday month, holla) and I've only had sex twice... Sad sex life is sad. 🙃

#sex was also weak af #ngl #what's a fuckbuddy again

[dearjuliet]

I really just want sleepy kisses and really hot sex 

[dearjuliet]

[dearjuliet]

[dearjuliet]

[dearjuliet]

Relax. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are living and learning. Forgive yourself and grow from the experience.

Anonymous  (via wnq-anonymous)

[dearjuliet]

[dearjuliet]

can’t be fucking with somebody that doesn’t make you feel special or different from everybody else. because trust there’s somebody out there that’ll do that & more

#seriously #that's why I left fuckboy over there #life's too short to not feel 100% happy with someone

[dearjuliet]

I'm so grateful that all the hard work and bullshit I've gone through finally paid off. I just got news yesterday that I got hired full-time at an amazing branch and I'm so fucking thrilled. It's closer than my training branch and I just hope I can meet some dope ass people!

#keep your chins up #hard work does pay off #just believe in yourself #positive vibes~

[dearjuliet]

Lane Boy // Twenty One Pilots

[dearjuliet]

Guys can be so ridiculous sometimes. Do you really think if you fuck up that I’m just going to sit around and try to work this out while you give me a half-assed sorry and some bullshit excuse? No buddy. I have five more of you lined up just waiting for you to mess up and for me to show you the door so they can finally get their chance. If you fuck up and don’t try to make this better, you’re gone. It’s as simple as that. 

#not wasting my time anymore #either you fight or i'm done #and you better believe I won't look back #fuckboys

[dearjuliet]

But can I just say I'm sick and tired of making friends with people and within a certain amount of time, they tell me they have feelings for me.

#this has happened to me with two jobs now #within like 3 months #i just want friends..............

[dearjuliet]

I think my biggest issue with “recovery” was trying to change every single aspect of my life all at once. I would put this immense pressure on myself to change every negative aspect in my life within a very small and unrealistic window of time. And when it failed, and you better believe it failed every. single. time, I would beat myself down and look at myself as such a failure. But I was the one setting myself up for a loss. I was setting myself up for something I sure as hell couldn’t win. I didn’t have the proper environment, support, resources or tools.. But I got lucky. I don’t know what incredible force I have to thank but at one point enough was really enough. I don’t know quite what did it but I slowly started to change aspects of my life. Over the summer I hit rock bottom, or at least my version of rock bottom. It wasn’t one day or one situation.. It was a ball of constant self destruction that kept rolling and just getting worse. And despite me thinking I was getting better.. I kept going one step forward and ten steps back. I’ve shared a lot over social media but I definitely haven’t shared all. But I’m sharing this. For me, for closure and for finally letting myself know I’m allowed to be fucking proud of everything I’ve overcome.

Over the summer I decided to make changes. I decided to finally leave the person who imposed abusive tendencies on me (but don’t call me a victim). I’m still ashamed I let this person in as much as I did, but he has no hold over me anymore. He deserves no more time than those sentences. I left the job that made me feel like I was wasting my potential. The job I felt I needed as a security blanket but one that did nothing but hinder my self worth. The job that helped fuel my addictions. I kicked a habit, shy of an addiction that took a toll on my wellbeing and bank account.. Let’s just call them “habits” and leave them at that. But I kicked them all by myself with no outside support. And I’m proud to say I don’t have the life-sucking urges I used to have. Goal in progress: cutting down on alcohol for good. But I still give myself mad respect for not drinking nearly as much as I used to. And being okay with just have one or two drinks over dinner.

I used to feel like such a failure for having to move back to my parents house. I moped for weeks that turned into months. I drank and continued my self destructive tendencies. I was hurt. I felt worthless. No job, no money, no motivation. I thought I was never going to feel any better. I don’t think I have ever been so close to taking my own life. In fact, I was too close but thankfully my body decided it wasn’t time for me yet.. But then all of a sudden everything changed. I can’t connect it to a specific date, time or event. I honestly have no idea what it was.. But all of a sudden I felt better. I felt lighter. Things didn’t seem so dark anymore. At this point I don’t want to jinx it, because I’m stupidly superstitious still, but it’s been at least two months and everything seems easier. Life doesn’t feel like a death sentence anymore. I have goals and wants for the future that I want to strive for. I don’t struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I feel hopeful for everything to come. It’s unrealistic to think I will never have a bad day again, that I won’t slip up again into my self destructive ways. I’m only human at the end of the day.

I guess the reason I wanted to write this to this extent, standing naked to the three people who actually read my stuff, is because I’m fucking proud of myself. I’m proud of what I went through, what I overcame, and what I have yet to go through. I don’t remember the last time I consistently felt happy but I love this feeling and you sure as hell know I will continue to fight for it. But I also wanted to write this in the small chance that someone reading this is going through their own struggles of mental illness, addiction, or helplessness.. and it sparks a small hope to not give up. I’m not someone to look up to. I’m only 21 and I still have a lot to learn and a lot of mistakes to make. I know what it’s like.. But things can get better.

#personal #recovery #addiction #depression #mental health #mental illness #abuse #chooselife

[dearjuliet]

Really feelin' myself lately.💯