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Ask Culture and Guess Culture

“One of my wife’s distant friends has attempted to invite herself to stay with us, again,” writes the exasperated owner of a prime 2 bedroom apartment in New York City in this Ask MetaFilter question. “She did this last March, and we used the excuse of me starting a new job and needing to do x, y, and z as well as the “out of town” excuse for any remaining dates. This got us off scot-free, but we both knew the time would come again… and it’s here. We need a final solution.”

He goes on to list two different possibilities he can think of for getting this woman to stop asking for free room and board. The first is a little white lie, something about their keys being hard to duplicate. The other is to be vague, to say something like “Sorry, that isn’t going to work for us” and hope she doesn’t ask why.

The first few answers give this poster very direct advice: Just say no. No need to give an explanation, it’s her who’s being rude by asking. Others give him advice that was probably more like what he was expecting: other ways to be vague like claiming that it’s “One of those random `Life in NYC things.’”

Another thread of discussion popped up around whether or not the woman asking for a place to stay was being rude. Some posters couldn’t understand how simply asking to stay in someone’s apartment was rude, while another went as far to say that putting someone in the position “having to be rude and say no” was rude in and of itself.

It is into this context that user tangerine contributes this answer:

This is a classic case of Ask Culture meets Guess Culture.

In some families, you grow up with the expectation that it’s OK to ask for anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get no for an answer. This is Ask Culture.

In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you’re pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers. If you do this with enough subtlety, you won’t even have to make the request directly; you’ll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept.

All kinds of problems spring up around the edges. If you’re a Guess Culture person — and you obviously are — then unwelcome requests from Ask Culture people seem presumptuous and out of line, and you’re likely to feel angry, uncomfortable, and manipulated.

If you’re an Ask Culture person, Guess Culture behavior can seem incomprehensible, inconsistent, and rife with passive aggression.

Obviously she’s an Ask and you’re a Guess. (I’m a Guess too. Let me tell you, it’s great for, say, reading nuanced and subtle novels; not so great for, say, dating and getting raises.)

Thing is, Guess behaviors only work among a subset of other Guess people — ones who share a fairly specific set of expectations and signalling techniques. The farther you get from your own family and friends and subculture, the more you’ll have to embrace Ask behavior. Otherwise you’ll spend your life in a cloud of mild outrage at (pace Moomin fans) the Cluelessness of Everyone.

As you read through the responses to this question, you can easily see who the Guess and the Ask commenters are. It’s an interesting exercise. (#)

After this comment many users, including the original poster himself, began to use these terms in discussing the issue. And why wouldn’t they? Ask Culture and Guess Culture describe two valid yet opposing ways of interacting with the world with very little value judgment given to them. Framing the argument as such was a stroke of utter genius by tangerine, broadening the perspective of many who participated in the discussion and adding to the general lifebuzz.

#Ask culture vs guess culture #reference

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this tweet is making me choke to death

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Certain words can change your brain forever and ever so you do have to be very careful about it.

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MASTERPOST: Everything You Need To Know About Living Independently for the First Time

On leaving home for the first time:

Leaving Home before 18: A Practical Guide for Cast-Offs, Runaways, and Everybody in Between 

Ask the Bitches: “I Just Turned 18 and My Parents Are Kicking Me Out. How Do I Brace Myself?” 

Ask the Bitches: I Want to Move Out, but I Can’t Afford It. How Bad Would It Be to Take out Student Loans to Cover It?

How To Start at Rock Bottom: Welfare Programs and the Social Safety Net 

Advice I Wish My Parents Gave Me When I Was 16 

Ask the Bitches: How Can I Make Myself Financially Secure Before Age 30? 

You Won’t Regret Your Frugal 20s 

Master the Logistics and Etiquette of Moving Out 

Season 2, Episode 5: “What Do I Need to Know about Moving into My First Apartment?” 

On basic finance:

How the Hell Does One Open a Bank Account? Asking for a Friend. 

How Do You Write and Cash Checks? Asking for a Friend. 

Budgets Don’t Work for Everyone—Try the Spending Tracker System Instead

You Must Be This Big to Be an Emergency Fund 

A Hand-Holding Guide to Getting Your First Credit Card 

How to File Your Taxes FOR FREE: Simple Instructions for the Stressed-Out Taxpayer

Dafuq Is Credit and How Do You Bend It to Your Will? 

How to Save for Retirement When You Make Less Than $30,000 a Year

Dafuq Is Interest and How Does It Work for the Forces of Darkness? 

What’s the Difference Between Savings and Checking Accounts, and How Should I Be Using Them?

Dafuq Is a Down Payment? And Why Do You Need One to Buy Stuff?

Dafuq Is Insurance and Why Do You Even Need It? 

Investing Deathmatch: Investing in the Stock Market vs. Just… Not 

Dafuq Is a Retirement Plan and Why Do You Need One?

Do NOT Make This Disastrous Beginner Mistake With Your Retirement Funds

On managing your household:

How the Hell Does One Laundry? Asking for a Friend. 

How the Hell Does One Wash Dishes? Asking for a Friend. 

Ask the Bitches: Why Are Painted Mason Jars the Internet’s Only Solution to My Tiny Apartment Woes? 

9 Essential Tools for Apartment-Dwellers (and 6 That Are Kinda Useless)

Ask the Bitches: How Can I Survive in an Apartment with No Heat? 

How to Save Money on Your Beloved Pets 

Bullshit Reasons Not to Buy a House: Refuted 

How To Maintain Your Car When You’re Barely Driving It

25 Tricks to Stay Cool WITHOUT Air Conditioning 

On feeding and caring for yourself:

You Should Learn To Cook. Here’s Why.

How to Shop for Groceries like a Boss 

If You Don’t Eat Leftovers I Don’t Even Want to Know You 

I Think I Need to Go the Emergency Room?

Ask the Bitches: Ugh, How Do I Build the Habit of Taking Meds?

On maintaining relationships:

Season 1, Episode 8: “My Mother Demands Information About My One-Night Stands.” 

Season 1, Episode 3: “My Parents Have Bad Credit. Should I Help by Co-signing Their Mortgage?” 

Ask the Bitches: How Do I Say “No” When a Loved One Asks for Money… Again? 

Ask the Bitches: My Dad Sucks with Money. How Do I Make Him Change? 

You Need to Talk to Your Parents About Their Retirement Plan

Season 2, Episode 1: “I’m Financially Stable, but My Friends Aren’t. The Guilt Is Crushing!”  

On starting your career:

22-Year-Olds Don’t Belong in Grad School 

High School Students Have No Way of Knowing What Career to Choose. Why Do We Make Them Do It Anyway? 

The Actually Helpful, Nuanced, Non-Bullshit Way to Choose a Future Career

Your College Major May Not Prepare You for Your Job—but It Can Prepare You for Life 

The Ugly Truth About Unpaid Internships 

Your School or Workplace Benefits Might Include Cool Free Stuff 

#masterpost #living independently #moving out #financial independence #personal finance #important #reblog to save a life

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never in all of my years would i have expected to characterize a company’s rebrand as “actively hostile” and “potentially endangering lives” yet here we are

for context, that X sign is dangerously bright, directly faces an entire apartment complex, and to top it all off it fucking strobes

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why would you even drop acid? people are gonna slip on it and hurt themselves!

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between tumblr being found guilty of moderating lgbtq content unequally during the 2018 ban in court and @ sorryforpartyrocking being nuked for suggesting one of tumblr staff may have investment in defending terfs to now many different trans women having their text posts and selfies being flagged as mature without the opportunity to appeal in any meaningful way (one of which was nuked herself)… it’s very. hmmmm. it’s a bad look. as if staff wasn’t already on thin ice for refusing to engage in any effective way with hate speech. “queerest space on the internet” my ass

#tumblr #queer #trans #censorship #bigotry

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CGI animators should unionize next. normally, their jobs would be too precarious to strike, since studios would replace them without a second thought, but if it's part of this larger general film strike, they might finally have meaningful power to better their working conditions

#Listen I like Marvel shit #And that's exactly WHY I say fuck it LET EM UNIONIZE

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#bungou stray dogs #bsd #PLEASE Atsushi was so fucking CUTE in this scene! #Look at him #he's so eager #so excited #So ready for Ranpo to save the day

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holy shit

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i missed this when it happened but. oh my god.

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not joking I would kind of like to brutally murder whoever thought it was a good idea to take away clicking on a person’s name to see their reblog and make it borderline impossible to get to the original version of a post without spending ten minutes scrolling with ctrl f

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i'll never understand why some people have a problem with trigger warnings. if the content being warned for doesn't bother you then you can just use it as a recommendation. literally where is the problem. everyone wins.

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Concept: Zuko sending izumi to a regular school so she could have some semblance of a normal childhood, she doesn't realize completely yet that she's the crown princess and that she's any different from her classmates. One day teacher sends home permission forms for s field trip and asks parents to help chaperone and izumi BEGS zuko BEGS him to chaperone the trip and zuko cant say no so he works around his schedule to go on this field trip with izumi and the rest of her classmates are like wtf wtf wtf the firelord is here??????

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Sometimes twitter be hitting