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A weird and maybe very personal Thinsp0

buuut

I just wanna be able to sit on a chair folded up and look tiny but comfortable. No stomach fat that is in the way

#tHIS RIGHT HERE #OH MY GOD #PLEASE #need

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this kinda masc spo >>>>>>>

#need

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#sighs #need

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masc thinspo that hits me in the face

#gonna start tagging these with #need

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I don’t need to eat, I need answers.

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fuuuuuck me it feels good to hear my stomach growl again, it feels so clean to be this empty

#making myself worse

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#getting skinny so I can still wear baggy clothes but actually looking baggy #need

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Funny how my desk is filled with posts tagged with #studyblr and #motivation but also holds posts tagged with #depression and #suicide.

I scroll down and see pictures of steam rising from a hot cup of coffee, next to it books and notes from class, bullet journals and MacBooks. I scroll down a little bit more and pictures of half naked girls, thin like paper, pretty as angels dancing around with bones sticking out, a caption saying „goals“. A master post about weight loss listing the most affective ways how to lose the fat as fast as possible. Tips like: eat an ice cube with salt sprinkeled on it or suck in your stomach during the day to train your abs. The last sentence: „Stay safe“

I scroll down a little bit further and I see a post on how to cope with stress and burn-outs and how to manage your time and be disciplined.

I scroll down a bit more and I see a post about suicide and depression, how somebody wants to kill themselves or even tried it and failed. Underneath a picture of arms, cut open, blood running dripping in the sink, next to it a bloody razor blade.

My tumblr desk shows on one side what I wanna be, what I wanna feel like and what I aspire to be and on the other side it shows what I really am and what I really feel like. My tumblr desk is the only thing on the whole world who knows those 2 things: What I wanna be and what I am.

#realest shit #this website #and the internet in general #is fucking wild with this sort of stuff

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Ranking my safefoods because even though I’m coming up on year 5 of my ED, I only just got them

1. Wasabi peas

1000000/10

120 cal for 30g- sounds like a lot but that’s 1/4 of a packet and once I’ve added chilli powder for extra pain they can last me for an hour. Satisfies me greatly and are generally delicious. Fuck yeah.

2. Kimchi

9.9999/10 SCRAN. Love this stuff, 30-50 cals for 100g and god knows I ration it so it works out as basically nothing. Spicy, savoury, healthy (as much as I can be). Hell yes. Only downside is that it makes me crave cheese.

3. Sauerkraut

Eeh 4/10. Only good when eaten with kimchi using the spicy flavouring but for 20 cals per 100g it helps bulk up my kimchi ration. Pretty gross alone though.

4. Apple

Gotta be ridiculously thinly sliced but 6.5/10. Yummy, but can trigger a binge if it’s the wrong moment.

5. Stock!!

10/10 I lie to myself and pretend it’s soup. Enough said. Depends on the make but usually under 50 cals per cube. Inspired me to try miso soup but haven’t tried yet so ??? Maybe a 6th will join the gang

Alright, celebration over. I love finally having non-binge triggering foods.

#tw bulimia #tw ana #tw ed #tw anorexia #tw eating disorder #ed behaviour tw #tw ana trigger #tw ana shit #tw ed relapse #tw ed diet #ed safefoods #eating disorder safefoods #ranking my ed safefoods

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Being fat, actually fat, with an eating disorder is fucking hell.

People assume you have BED, and if you actually do have BED people are so gross about it. If you have a restricting disorder people get concerned when you start eating more. People get concerned if you start to like yourself. People love to see you fucking miserable, and will completely ignore your misery in the same breath. It makes them feel good. They benefit at your expense through weight stigma.

So many physicians prescribe disordered eating to us. ED specialists in many places won’t even consider how EDs affect us. Our own community uses our bodies as inspiration to hurt themselves. Because nothing could be worse than looking like us, right? How are you supposed to love yourself when so many people actively don’t want you to?

To the fat person reading who needs to hear this, I give a shit if you recover. I give a shit that you are hurting. So many people don’t notice, so many don’t give a fuck, but I do. You deserve better. I want you to eat even if it means you gain weight. I want you to be happy in your body as it is. I want you to feel loved, I want you to feel seen.

If you are fat with BED, I see you. There is so much stigma and it is not your fault. Your weight isn’t “your fault”, you are sick. It’s not a moral failing. You deserve compassion, and the extent to which people project their own issues onto you is awful. You deserve to be comfortable in your skin, and your body is wonderful.

If you are fat with purging tendencies, or with restricting ones I see you too. We get praised for hurting ourselves, or no one notices. I see you. I’m sorry.

I wish so badly the world were more compassionate to you, but if no one else gives a shit, I do. Fight for recovery for me, even though I know that journey can be so, so lonely when you aren’t thin.

To those of you who have recovered, to those of you that may. You are worth it. You may be fat for the rest of your life, and that’s okay. It’s wonderful, your body is wonderful, and I see you and I’m proud of you. Sadly I know many of us recover alone, but I hope you know you aren’t. I’m rooting for you.

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Hell is actually the knowledge that basically all of your friend’s friends are very thin girls with eating disorders who are recognised and respected for it, and they will never have any idea that you’re disordered as well because even though it’s been almost over 5 years now you’ve constantly flipped between restriction and binging and consequently are still pretty fucking fat

#personal vent post #tw disordered eating #tw ed #tw eating disorder #tw restrictive ed #ed #ed things #eating disorder things

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I am literally just a girl on the internet with severe mental issues and also autism

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image I.D. below the cut

image description start:

[a promotional picture of Sam and Dean Winchester, Sam on the left and Dean on the right, their images from circa 2010. They both stare challengingly into the camera with their arms crossed, though Dean also holds a large blade. The background is a two lane blacktop with an older style of power line and corn on either side. At the top and bottom are flames. Sam says "im restricting", Dean says "and im bingeing" and the flaming text gif at the bottom reads "the eating disorder brothers.]

image description end.

#Jesus Christ

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It’s those moments of cutting the shit out of your arm and leg for literally no reason. No anger, no upset, nothing, that really make you appreciate the fact you might be spiralling.

#If anyone needs me I’ll be listening to Tom Odell’s Long Way Down CD on loop #tw sh #tw self harm #tw s3lf harm #tw self h4rm #tw self destruction #tw eating issues #self harm #self h@rm #tw self h@rm #s3lf harn #self h4rm

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Me after a small inconvenience

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#currently am the fatter but oh well #future me will find this funny