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Day 4 - Saturday June 29th 2019
So it鈥檚 been a few days, trust me, you don鈥檛 want daily updates of working and generally chilling at home...
So many people look forward to weekends and here I am working a 12h shift just longing for Saturday to be over! Me and Xo are going out tomorrow which will break up the weekend pretty nicely, though of course it鈥檚 been amazing and sunny all week and now it鈥檚 cloudy!
Worked late last night and spent the rest of the evening not watching a movie with Xo and chatting with Nico, who in a moment of madness I actually asked about post Rue drama and he assured me he鈥檇 still be here. Maybe it鈥檚 because I don鈥檛 make friends easily, but I still don鈥檛 understand him... us?
I鈥檓 happy, happy with Xo, and have been for ten years, but lately that seems so much more like I鈥檓 trying to convince myself. Nico has rocked the boat. Even Xo likes him though, and we ARE just friends... (even if I find myself thinking about him a lot).
Work has been... work. Busy, as ever. I鈥檓 still the one covering for everyone who somehow can鈥檛 make it in, even if I don鈥檛 want to. I always fall into the trap of being the reliable one. I鈥檓 so tired. I don鈥檛 have any holiday until the middle of summer, but it鈥檚 meant to get quiet soon. I just feel so out of it. I need a break but I never seem to get the chance! It鈥檚 funny Xo works a lot but has regular time off. Nico is always working, he never seems to stop. I鈥檝e joked that he needs lessons in relaxing and doing nothing. I guess I鈥檓 somewhere in the middle. But I need to make better use of my downtime.
For now though, music on, and face another day! Off to work and just, well, try not to think about... him.
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Day 3 - Monday 24th June 2019
Got up- on time (yay!) sleepily got ready for work...
Had one of those feeling quite pretty kinda mornings... always on work days, whyyy!?
As ever the work part of work was pretty uneventful. Work is work. At lunch caught I up with Nico who basically chatted more about Rue, and of course was never heard from again (why do I do this to myself). I鈥檝e been really tired lately. I think I need more sleep. It鈥檚 making me less motivated at work, which is bad as I鈥檓 so busy at the moment! I really wanted today to be a positive start to the week but I鈥檓 just exhausted, work, life, Nico, Xo... it鈥檚 too much. I seem to overcomplicate my life, why am I such a magnet for drama?!
Ok, let鈥檚 try positivity. Got new moisturiser and it鈥檚 amaaaaazing, my hair is behaving itself (mostly) I am healthy. And. It鈥檚 so hot today. Summer is on its way!! Yay for pretty dresses and being outside lol.
Originally Xo (my oh) was going to study so I thought I鈥檇 chill with tv for a while tonight but Xo had other plans, and was home so instead we had dinner and watched a movie before crashing. We made plans for going to the cinema on Wednesday, after I finish work, and I said I鈥檇 cook tomorrow night as I have the day off.
Ok so not a very exciting day!! They can鈥檛 all be winners.
Feel free to ask me stuff.
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Day 2 - Sunday June 23rd 2019
Day off.
Actually had a lay in, much needed rest. Followed by much needed breakfast, which was pastries because, well it鈥檚 my day off!!
Caught up with you Nico. It annoyed me that you鈥檙e still having problems with Rue and their behaviour. Mind games which are hurting you more than you鈥檙e letting on. With everything else you don鈥檛 need this Nico. It鈥檚 making so angry, but you don鈥檛 want me to intervene, so I won鈥檛, though it鈥檚 getting harder whenever I see Rue, hearing the manipulative things being said. I know other people know. Surely I can鈥檛 be the only one who feels like this.
We were meant to be going out, mostly because he wanted to, something about making the most of my free day, but yet again it was raining so just watched tv for a couple of hours. In the end I worked on some art while he played Xbox and while we were in the same room, we barely spoke.
Evening we went to have dinner with friends, which was nice but I didn鈥檛 talk to anyone much. I sought out solitude and chatted with Nico about Rue some more. More drama. I realise that he only talks to me about her. What happens when she stops? Will you leave too Nico? Everyone leaves eventually.
Home again, late, spent the last hour to get ready for work tomorrow. Uneventful. But although I shouldn鈥檛 be, I鈥檓 happier because I got a few moments with Nico again... am I a terrible person?
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Day 1 - Saturday June 22nd 2019
I overslept, running in to work ten minutes late- lucky for me I鈥檓 usually early so it wasn鈥檛 a problem. The hardest part was the silence. Due to lack of time. Though checking when I had a chance, you hadn鈥檛 messaged or called me. All week it鈥檚 been getting worse. Will I hear from you?
I鈥檝e been exhausted all day. All week really. You鈥檝e kept me going. Those small glimpses of you. When we talk. Nico, I know you. A little. You don鈥檛 let me close enough to know you completely, though you tell me you trust me. I caught up with you at lunchtime, just a brief hello, some small talk, catching up on weekend plans. You still work too hard. I say working almost double my contract. Working on my art in what little free time I have. Playing my daily role as housewife which doesn鈥檛 fit me, but I wear it anyway. (I feel so alone). I shouldn鈥檛 feel like this. It isn鈥檛 who I am. You鈥檙e so not my type. Then again neither is he and it鈥檚 been a decade now. Maybe I don鈥檛 know myself as well as I think I do!
Post-work. Chill. Groceries fetched. Food cooked and eaten. Another evening passed. I lay here, alone. Surrounded by us and yet consumed by thoughts of you. I wonder if you think of me.
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