freetheghost1

[freetheghost1]

November 23, 2018

Dear Love,

           I am back in the same spot I always am in. With me ‘coming down,’ people being rude, and me thinking that I am unable to cope. It is hopeless to see myself as a free person. They say it is you that I must talk to but my phone call to you the other day made me think that nothing that people say is real. I can not trust them for anything but what I am supposed to do? I have to listen to them, I have to take their shit, which I am sick of. It seems that they continue to bring the world to my doorstep; although I am thankful for the help last night, I never appreciated being left alone that much. I needed that moment to myself; not to think of a new ‘lie’ or strategy but to rest. Unfortunately, these moments don’t come that often and what I really need is for me to have a moment to myself without doing anything or possibly something. I am not sure yet. I don’t really have a plan. I just think that it would be the best thing in the world to think of something, like a dream and be able to break it down without someone making a rude comment. No such luck though and that is why you are probably seeing a different me. An angry me, a person that doesn’t ‘care’ although quite the opposite is true. I do apologize for calling you out of your name and constantly being mad at you for what seemed like bad reasons but I believe in being treated like a person who has rights. I do not like being harassed by ‘people,’ constantly pestered, and trivialized until I either get mad or start to cry. I can not understand why people seem emotionless and empty as if they are no longer human. What is their deal? I hate feeling like I am the only one at fault. I hate being blamed for things that I can not help at the moment. I hate that ‘they’ can’t have some compassion and help me out in my situation or at the very least leave me at peace.

           I do apologize if this second letter is not as romantic as any other previous writing’s that you have seen from me but as of late I been feeling down and as if this must be my lowest point in my life. I got kicked out of the University (withdrew), I talked to you (YL) about our friendship possibly being over, which saddens me, people are still harassing me, my dad still has cancer, my mom is tired of working with no 401K plan or savings, and at the end of it all I am still an addict. Eight months later I still find myself in the same situation that I was in back before all of this whole ‘Pertuvio’ thing started. I hope I get my freedom soon and I get to talk to you about everything or nothing. Either way I just want to let you know how much you mean to me. I don’t think that anyone could understand. I was surprised when we talked over the phone how close we have become, I felt something, was I wrong? I’m not saying it was love, just saying that there was (is) definitely something there, like a connection, no matter how much you proclaimed that we are only friends and that maybe even that might not work out I still have love for you and hope you change your mind. I hope that I am not wrong, because regardless of what happened in the process of getting to know each other I hope that you saw that I put one-hundred percent of my heart into this story. You saved my life more than twice these last two months and although you may not see it I still love you. Unfortunately, you might not feel the same so I do have to close up a little bit of those feelings that I have for you so that I can move forward with my life. Coming back to LA will not be easy. I do feel like a failure. I hope you understand and I hope that maybe one day, even si es de pasadaI can show you what I mean when I tell you that I love you. Take care.  

There is beauty in the struggle

PS-the rose is for you

#freetheghost1 #pertuvio #love #moderndaylovestory #yes or nah?

[freetheghost1]

Letter from Mom: Welcome back to LALA town

Eddie

No Salgas Afuera Porque no se si tengas llaves de la casa

Bienvenido a casa

Asi como estas contento

Asi sigue NO te metas con nadie

Voy a trabajar, vengo

A ser te de comer esperame.

Portate vien estate Tranquilo.

Esta es tu Casa.

Okay tu madre

#perritosindanger freetheghost1

[freetheghost1]

In the case of my demise

[freetheghost1]

In The Case of My Demise

Dear Love,

Fuck, shit is fucked up. They want me to talk to you in a better way, or so they say, but I get the feeling that it is you who is saying that. Was I right or was I wrong? I honestly do not know if I will be alive by the time you read this because I see the anxiety in the room. Nerves have been rattled, ego’s have been taken down, shame has taken over a few, and only the truest of emotions remain in those still left standing. How real was I in your eyes? Was I too real? Or did you still think that it was a fake persona trying to ‘tackle’ you as people say in the land of the lost. How can I express how I feel about you. There is no way to do it anymore because in order to get to you I had to go through people and that took so much out of me that there is hardly anything left in me that you would recognize as the me that met you 14 years ago.

            I am not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing but because I chose my heart as the thing to voice my love for you there is a possibility that I didn’t make it. What day is it? Is it close to your birthday? Did I make it to 2019? Happy Birthday, just in case I don’t make it to early April. I just wanted to let you know that I had to chose my heart because I genuinely……….

#freetheghost1 

PS- more than likely i was killed by cowards....

#freetheghost1

[freetheghost1]

Free The Ghost 1

I’m from LA, I wasn’t asked to be born there, I’m not bragging, it just so happened that I was from there. I consider myself a Chicano with a loving family and a somewhat bright future but I’ve had to struggle with a lifelong depression. Up until I reached the age of 25 I dealt with my depression with alcohol then I was introduced to drugs. That took my depression to another level and I almost completely numbed myself because I felt that I was too ‘sensitive’ and/or felt too much (emotions) at one time. I wondered if everyone felt the same. Hip hop helped me understand myself a little more and like Lupe Fiasco ‘Hip Hop Saved my Life through its stories and characters that were closer to my everyday life than pop, or alternative music. Regardless of what I did to stop feeling sad I could not find a way to deal with those feelings until I was introduced to cocaine and then eventually meth. I’m not sure if it was all those times that I felt so close to death, not to take life for granted, that allowed me to be able to enhance the natural abilities and senses that I was born with. But the vibes that I could almost make see visible and the warmth and coldness of a person’s energy was not worth the trouble that I endured. This is not to say that I am not grateful for these abilities, I am just saying that I would have been happier if I never lived with so much misery. For a while the world was lonely and cold. People were distant and at times even heartless but some how I found a way to finish my Bachelor’s degree in Political Science and a Master’s degree in Latin American Studies while at the same time writing an MA thesis on ‘The Social Effects of Deportation and how post-9/11 rhetoric changed Immigration Discourse.’ So, I knew before anything happened that I was capable of accomplishing the goals that I set for myself. But one day everything changed.

Everything was a joke, nothing was taken seriously. Laughter is all I could hear. Everyone was hearing me but no one was listening. I waited patiently for the day that people were finally ready to listen to me but as time passed I grew colder and more resentful. In those last days, if that is what could be said, I remember that I had cried more tears than before. I did not know how to deal with my suppressed emotions that seemed to come out to the surface all of a sudden. There was a clear explanation for why this was happening but, in part, a lot of those repressed emotions were my own and I labeled them as demons. How can I describe the scene/situation that I was in. If you were a visitor, un-announced just passing by you might have thought of me as a jerkoff, literally, but for all intensive purposes in this scenario I must have seemed like a person who was mentally unstable and unable to take care of himself. At first glance this fucked up motherfucker might have caused you to be mentally and physically sick, since everyone is allowed in his private space and the world judges him in the worst ways you gave him no chance and proclaimed his guilt he even had a chance for real justice. Could this scenario play out in the real world? Imagine for a minute a world gone crazy and you, the crackhead trying to make sense of it. Would you be surprised if in the end the crackhead was the one that made the most sense? It might seem impossible and highly illogical but it happened and it is continuing to play out. I decided to write this story because, at the time, I wasn’t sure if I was going to be alive past tomorrow. My intentions were not to get anyone in trouble rather I started to write bits and pieces of the experience so as to be able to make connections between things that these people said to me and past scenarios. Over the years my memory has failed me and I find myself not even having access to my own absolvable thoughts. Patience was something that I learned through the years because before this whole experience happened I had little patience. Even now I find that my patience is limited but I always remember the times that patience was my biggest attribute.

In this highly illogical world where nothing makes sense I was the person that made the least sense because they always saw me as their enemy. Labeled an ‘Outcast Unforgiven’ because no one could understand how I saw the world yet I believed that all I ever did was try to stand up for myself from what I considered an intruder. I remember those first conversations with these people I remembered feeling as if I was connecting with people from another realm and I still remember asking myself ‘if I had gone crazy? At the time I was a drug addict with a depression that seemed to be too much for me. I could not maintain composure without being buzzed, high, or ‘on one.’ Like every addiction I went through different stages and each stage left a different impression on me and of course those people around me. I thought this highly secretive group of individuals was everything from a governmental organization, the police, social workers, cults, and/or a political organization. For my safety I never really wanted to known to much because I really got frightened those first altercations with them. Was I that bad of a person 11 years ago that got me stuck in a real the whole time with people I didn’t like? I remember when a close friend came by one time and I couldn’t remember the reason that ‘they’ hated me. At that point, instead of fighting them I tried more and more to understand their ways but I didn’t know that it was too late.

’Everybody hated me yet everyone wanted to talk to me. Again, imagine having no privacy, living in a world so concerned with your trivial circumstance that as the days past by more and more people came in and as people came by so did any resemblance of sanity. My perspective is unique and is very different from those that actually belong to this group of people because I was on the outside looking in. What would you do If the act that got you in trouble was embarrassing? Would you continue to do it? Or would you stop? What if the people asking you to stop had an immense amount of power? I found out through out the years that almost every single person never stood up to these people and I always wondered why? As if I was the last person with heart. How dare I think of myself as the only person with compassion left. After many years in this place with the same messed up situation I learned that people have families, friends, loved ones, goals, dreams, and aspirations and if presented with an impossible obstacle most people in contemporary society chose to obey and become part of the bigger group instead of going against the will of the higher power who demanded such respect. My mind could only see that people seemed to live in fear which was not too far off from what I was experienced but their experienced must of differed from mines in the sense that they had the ability to close the doors that allowed people to enter their space. On the other hand, I did not have the, often taken for granted, luxury of privacy. As the years went by I was able to understand why people did the awful things that they did to me and my family. I say this with a light heart that both literally and figuratively led me down the road that I took. How could one person seem to perverse yet be able to make sense out of the grimiest situation that could possibly happen to one person. If it wasn’t for my spiritualism and those previous life lessons that I had learned I don’t think that I would of made it this far. But I digress, it is through assimilation that a culture was born that reminded me of old world customs and as one more person was integrated into this cultish organization the more and more they gained power. I recognized the power that they had but for the life of me and I can not explain to people who came along my journey why I stayed doing what got me in trouble. There was laughter, pain, sorrow, and rare happy moments. I wasn’t a criminal, I just did not appreciate someone coming into my private space and trying to talk to me without permission and at the same time talk about me and what made me a ‘messed up’ person’ to the rest of society…..to be continued.

#freetheghost1

[freetheghost1]

Mexico 2016

#mexico #mixcoac #traveling #photography #black and white #art #puebla #tlaxcala #ghost

[freetheghost1]

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=712eNuVEYzo)

Brothers from Sigma Lambda Beta speaking on the importance of supporting the marches. 

Women’s March LA 2017

The march was open to everyone who stands for human rights, civil liberties, and compassion for our shared humanity. We stand together in solidarity for the protection of our rights, our safety, our health, and our families -- recognizing that our vibrant and diverse communities are the strength of our country.

#ΣΛΒ 

#ΣΛΒ #sigmalambdabeta #la:x #womensmarch #womensmarchla #ghost #solidaridad

[freetheghost1]

The Anti-Trump Movement in LA (working-project/1st update)

We set out to cover the nations opinions on what a Trump era of politics would look like. This small note features profiles of the interviews done so far as well as the plans for future projects. Currently, this only features the left because of the unavailability of the right to express their thoughts (more to come). Also, I just simply don't know any conservatives and the ones that I do know are not willing to talk which I think is showing of just how explosive politics has become. The political spectrum seems to have changed from Trumpist or Trumpers to Anti-Trumpist or Liberals and the left or right have changed to conform to this spectrum as best as they could. I personally think that conforming to a left or right spectrum is conforming to an opinion about politics that is outdated and in need of change. Yes I believe in Social Justice, yes i believe everyone is entitled to their own opinion, I stand against racism, bigotry, sexism, the patriarchy, and oppression but where does that place me? Since I am broke and do think that the GOV does take too much money from my annual income tax. A fiscal-conservative liberal? NAW. Politics has to be rethought. Below is context on folks willing to express their opinion. Keep in mind this is a working project. More to come ;) #fucktrump #notmypresident #Politics #trump #anti-trumpmovement #socialjustice #thatwhichismorallyright #againstracism #againstbigotry #freedomofspeech #daleft #theleft #progressivepolitics #notinLA #altotrump #stopdeportations #againstallodds #buildingconsciousness 

[freetheghost1]

Interfaith Posadas at La Plazita Olvera. People united against the criminalization of families in Los Angeles. #altotrump

[freetheghost1]

Living Water International Project

So the past September i went to Mexico where i discovered that the town was in an uprising because there was a company (international) that was threatening to privatize the water supply of the town.

I do think that there is a real threat of the Mexican government going after my family or me even once i get more involved and for this reason i decided to keep a diary.

Yesterday i interviewed Oswaldo on the situation in Ocotepec.

I have gotten the information that i need to start the research so as to be able to prove if there is any truth to the allegations that Oz and his group are claiming.

Is the President, ‘Macaria’ involved in a conspiracy involving money, corruption and her connections to transnational corporations such as LWI and Coca Cola?

Is there any truth to what the towns people say about Macaria?

What is the role of Living Water International (LWI) in the town?

Is water even an issue here ? What is the real story?

Could the use of violence by local officials be used to quite the rising militia in Ocotepec?

How serious is the situation?

Did Oswaldo really come to the US to escape the situation in Ocotepec?

Is there any connection to the Mexican federal government?

Who is in the wrong ? and what are the motives of the victor? Money? 

The picture above i took while visiting last September 

#ocotepec #livingwater #whatisgoingon #ocotepecenpiedelucha #socialjustice 

[freetheghost1]

waiting for my ride to the airport, Calle Adolfo Lopez Mateo, Colonia Mixcoac, Mexico DF, July 2006.

My Revolution is Nationalistic, Indigenous in its roots, and stems from Bautista like conditions that create hate and aggression, Inspired by my better half, and exiled from the one not mentioned, Im a Peasant living amongst those trully priveledged, Sticking to faiths and traditions, hoping its enough, enough to raise up and not run but this struggle requires more than just a steady fight, It requires blood swet and tears, it requires abolition of our fears, it means creating solidarity, commonality within our differences, One strong enough to endure, the hardships of reality, a steady fight towards freedom, Freedom from opperssion, Freedom from the idea of freedom, seldom seen and only dreamed, Half awake i live, Half asleep i dream

#mexico LatinoAmerica writing poetry revolution Tlaxcala santaana chautempa traveling mexico mexicolindo

[freetheghost1]

‘The Color Blind Society’: 4 Months ‘Till TRUMP TAKES OFFICE, ARE WE READY? (self-reflection/Tumblr edition) 

Madness/Abstract writing: I am thankful for all my experiences, the good and the bad. It is especially in bad times that my will and strength is tested; it is also when I learn the most. Will I be seen as I really am? Or will they invent my story for me? I know what I am and am not. I am not a racist, i believe in Social Justice, i believe ignorance should not be encouraged, i do have my faults, thus i am human. I believe that in order for society to progress the problems with racism must be acknowledged. It should not be the center of attention, so as to move forward, but it should be acknowledged. It is easy to be sold on the idea that we live in a color blind society. It is through denial that racism continues to thrive and evolve. It is through our own passivity and comfortableness in the ‘luxuries’ [technology, smart phones, materialism] afforded to us that racism survives. We (progressives) acknowledge the exemplary job that Barack Obama has done as President but are not willing to critique the reason that ‘people of color’ continue to overpopulate prisons. 

The politics of race: My own politicization began through discovery of my Mexican culture, American mindset and natural tendency to fight for ‘Social justice. Not all of these notions and ways of seeing the world agreed with each other at once, they blended through a compromise, one which I still don't understand….. “No eres ni de aqui ni de aya,”…..  “Make America Great Again”…… “Keep your Head Up”…“they Win When your Soul Dies”…a good soldier once wrote.... America can be great again just not through what Trump is preaching. I don't see racism disappearing in my life time but I hope that future generations within this great nation can see how separated we became and learn from our mistakes. We got caught up with each other’s differences….We lost our vision. We were suppose to be the generation that could achieve anything yet we have only fallen behind. 

#watchthethrone #2016election #colorblindsociety #wakeup #trump #bernie #feelthebern #politics #us #makeamericagreatagain #immigration #latinos #allgood #2pac #ripali #social justice #social justice warrior

[freetheghost1]

Life

Do what you do in life, don't let anyone get you down, stick to your guts, no matter how silly your cause sounds, guts, balls, ovaries, that is what life is about