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read when you leave.
If someday you find comfort in the arms,
of some more suitable affair
I will hold myself back, I swear
And if there's a thought in your mind
of going back to your hometown
and staying with the love of your life
It's all okay, I want you happy. I want you good
even more than me, I've understood
I will die happy for you
If someday the sun doesn't shine
And all the roses in the garden die
You can search for a new balance in time
I'm not the best of lovers, I'm aware
I'm unstable beyond repair
And there'll be happiness after me
So I'll keep singing our love through the streets
Not ever to bring you back to me
But to remember the best love I've seen
And I promise not to interfere in your life again
I'll leave you happy with the girl with the chance
And I'll only watch you from afar
And it's okay, I want you happy. I want you good
Even more than me, I've understood
I will die happy for you
I know one day
Soon, or in an age
I will die happy for you
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Flowers
I never hated you as much as I do right now
Still, I'm packing my bags to go to your hometown
Only cause you asked me to dive head deep
And I'm not a liar as much as I'm weak
My favorite poet wrote the same words 36 times
And I can repeat I’m alright as much as I'd like
But that will never make it come true
I think I’m more comfortable when I’m feeling blue
And if I dreamt of flowers, it must have a meaning
Or i am just convincing myself to believe it
I feel like im dying a bit everyday
And this is not something you can change
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Commotion
I should just stay still. I've figured if I just lay in bed, not moving an inch, staring at the ceiling, not saying a single thing, maybe I won't ever cause a scene again. Perhaps, if I try hard, I won't ever cause any commotion and just rest my days silently. I should prepare beforehand, and tell the people I've encountered a new meditation method and tell the closest ones I've been just studying hard for a test and then, never show up again.
I wish I could just live like Rapunzel, trapped in a long huge tower in the middle of nowhere, with no one to disappoint and not a single soul to bore. I don't even need magical creatures to make me company, maybe I should just have no one at all to witness my embarrassing attempts of living.
It would be easier to die, I wouldn't have to pay rent, or buy food and water, or worry about sickness or plagues. I would just lay forever in the ground and never be the mess of me in front of someone else again. However, I concluded I don't want to die, or disappear forever, I just don't want to live, because I never knew how to do it. I've never known how to wake up everyday and bear the weight of being alive.
It's not that the traffic annoys me, or the taxes are increasing, or global warming is slowly making its way into a bigger worry, it's just that I don't know how to be alive. How to keep it all inside: the fear, the agitation, the torturous thoughts, the messing up, everything.
Everyone goes through stuff, I've seen it closely and listened carefully enough to know that. Everyone is getting fucked by something bigger than themselves. Yet, everyone is living. Everyone is sucking it up in the morning, going to work while hating the guts out of it, drinking a beer or two on the weekends and coming home a little lighter than how they've left it. But I'm not everyone. I can't do this. I let things get out easily. I'm not a great liar, I tend to mess it up repeatedly and make it everyone's business. I do too much and think too little, while whining, crying and muttering "I'm fine" a little bit too much. And it gets annoying. My friends are tired of commotions, my friends are tired of the tears, my friends are tired of the scenes, my friends are tired of all the mess I make in front of them while promising I'm okay. And it's excruciating to every single person I cross paths with. It's embarrassing how much crying I did in front of people I don't even know. It's humiliating how many times I've come home and had to send dozens of texts saying: "I'm sorry for everything, I hope you had a good time despite everything I did." It's pathetic how many times I've had long talks with people about the same pathetic petty things that are always too much for me to handle.
I hate being taken care of, I hate being the one people have to be careful around, I hate to be the one that forces everyone else to leave a place earlier because they couldn't get their shit together. Yet, I'm always doing it. Repeatedly, over and over again.
So It's easier if I just stop everything. If I go to work quietly, if I only open my pathetic little mouth to talk about the weather and forecast, if I come home silently and lay on the bed with my eyes open and retrace all my steps to make sure I did everything but be myself. Because myself is tiring, I am petty, and emotional, and sad. And I should just survive as a quiet mute little robot until I learn how to live properly.
I should never go out with friends, or have them in the first place. I should break up with my boyfriend and stop making every conversation be about how bad I'm doing. I should just go unnoticed forever and maybe, just maybe, I won't ever cause a commotion again.
#spilled thoughts#prose#writers on tumblr#writing#writerscommunity#writers and poets#commotion#thoughts
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