healingfromabuse-blog

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Narcissistic Love versus Unconditional Love

From http://thehappysensitive.com/narcissistic-love-versus-unconditional-love/

Anyone with a giving persona, and a desire to help others, attracts narcissists. You give, they take. It’s a match made in heaven  hell. It’s an utterly confusing dynamic, not least because it’s so surreal. One of the keys to sanity is understanding that, when it comes to love, narcissists come from a completely different place.

Pick an electrical appliance that you use a lot. Maybe your computer, or cellphone / i-phone, or MP3 player. Got one? O.k. You know how an appliance like that can make a great contribution to our lives, to the point where, when it’s working, we really love it for doing all those things?

That’s a lot what narcissistic “love” is like.

You know how, when you truly love someone, whether it’s a person, or even a pet, you can get really angry at them, yet despite the anger, you still feel love for them? That’s healthy unconditional love. It’s not something narcissists are familiar with.

Healthy unconditional love requires a bonding beyond the surface appearance and behaviour of someone. It’s a love that connects you from core to core. You could say it’s soul based.  It’s a love that goes beyond appearances. This is not to say that there are no limits to what you will tolerate. You might come to a point where the relationship no longer works, yet, on some level, you continue to love the person, despite their behaviour. This is why letting go can be so hard. There is a loving connection beyond behaviour and circumstances.

Narcissistic love is more superficial. We love appliances, as long as they do what they are supposed to do. Who decides what they are supposed to do? We do. Similarly, narcissists decide what other people are supposed to do and, when expectations are not fulfilled, the scene can be a lot like someone swearing at their computer for crashing. It’s not a love based on any core connection, it’s a love based on functionality. I don’t know about you, but I don’t exactly grieve when an appliance breaks down and I need to replace it (I might be upset about the cost and effort required for the replacement though).

The Lack of Deeper Connection

Unconditional love requires an awareness of a presence beyond appearances. I imagine that, for a narcissist, it would be akin to asking you to sit in front  of your computer and connect to its soul. You might laugh, you might shrug, you might blink. Chances are, you’re not going to find anything to connect to.

Not everyone is able to see beyond the superficial image of others. While doing so probably comes quite naturally to you, it’s important to realize that it is not natural to everyone. The ability to see other people at a deeper level, requires the ability to see ourselves at a deeper level.

For many reasons, that deeper connection to self can be absent. Simply put, due to a combination of severe trauma and a collection of beliefs that state that ‘facing the trauma will just make things worse’ someone can actually become completely cut off from their inner experiences. It’s a recipe for disconnection so to speak. With such disconnection comes the inability to deeply connect to others. On the receiving end, this can feel like the frustrating experience of not being seen by the other, and not being able to get through to them or really communicate with them.

You know those days when electrical appliances break down, and you entertain the hope that if you just “do the right thing” they will spring back to life? That’s the point when we tend to talk to our machines (“nooooo, don’t break down!”). It’s also the point where our conditional love is apparent. There is no old-appliances home for no longer functioning computers is there? Of course not. Now extend that analogy to people, and you’ve got a sense of an extremely narcissistic world-view.

Gradations of Narcissism

Obviously, there are gradations of narcissism. A little bit of narcissistic self-centredness is necessary. We are not talking about the necessity to meet your own needs here. We are talking about the narcissistic approach of treating people as a means to an end only. Full-blown narcissism is a personality disorder. If you are dealing with someone who loves you when “you do things right” and who stops loving you when you don’t, then you are dealing with narcissistic love, which really isn’t anything like unconditional love at all.

Narcissistic love is the “look at my new i-pod / friend ” love. Later it becomes the “that used to be my i-pod / friend but it no longer does what I want it to”.

Recognizing Narcissism

Narcissistic love in the workplace is a lot easier to figure out than it is in our personal relationships. In the workplace, a person with narcissistic personality disorder will treat you like their best friend when they want something from you or when they somehow look better due to being associated with you. The next moment (perhaps when you are working on a different project), they will completely ignore you.

In our private lives, narcissistic love is harder to spot because you might be on the “positive” receiving end much longer. If your functionality includes:  a shoulder to cry on and a willingness to listen to a lot of venting, then you might be kept in the “appliances I love” category for a very long time.

They Love Me, They Love Me Not

Trying to understand narcissists from the perspective of unconditional love is endlessly confusing. It’s a flower with an endless number of petals: “they love me, they love me not, they love me, they love me not…” Think back to a time when you were in love with someone, and you weren’t sure whether that feeling was reciprocated. It’s agonizing, right? Usually though, that uncertainty wouldn’t last too long. At some point, you’d get a yes or no. With a narcissist, you’ll never get the answer, because it’s not unconditional love to start out with anyway. Whenever you behave the way they want you to, they love you, and when you don’t, they love you not. Yet if you ask a narcissist whether they love someone, they might well say “yes”. Translation: “Yes, I love this person like an appliance, when they do what I want them to”.

The Desire to Fix the Relationship

Being on the receiving end of narcissistic love can make us feel like we need to try harder. Yet at the same time, it can make us feel that, no matter how hard we try, we can’t really get through to or connect to the other person (which is true). We can come to believe that somehow, it is up to us to fix the relationship. For someone who has blocked their heart, to the point where they cannot connect to themselves, superficial functional connections are all that is possible though.

It takes two to have a healthy relationship.

It is impossible to love someone who will not let themselves be seen, even to themselves. The mystery of that can be addictive though. Again, the idea that ‘if we just try hard enough, we will find a way to create authentic connection’, can keep us tied up in a relationship that really only revolves around functionality, but, like a quest for a holy grail, holds the unspoken promise of one day becoming a connection of unconditional love.

For all practical purposes though, this is like trying to deeply connect to an appliance. Narcissists treat others like appliances, because that is as far as their own level of awareness about themselves goes. They are unavailable to us, because – in a deeper way – they are unavailable to themselves. We can’t have a truly loving relationship with a narcissist, no matter how hard we try, there is just nothing to deeply connect to. Trying harder is not going to unlock the magic door to their unavailable heart.

The Dream versus the Reality

When it comes to loving a narcissist, all we can really do is love a dream we have of them.

This dream can be so strong (and beautiful) that it becomes something that we come to superimpose on the true narcissist. Every little positive spark of something nice they said or did, enforces the “truth” of that dream. This keeps us at a seemingly safe distance from what is really happening. The dream keeps the painful reality at bay. However, at some point, it’s necessary to see the dream for what it is and recognize that it is impossible to love or be loved by the narcissist.  It’s not anyone’s fault, it’s just that they have made themselves completely unavailable to unconditional love.

(If, right now, you are thinking that – despite everything – you do truly and deeply love a narcissist, then ask yourself whether you have allowed yourself to feel any hate or anger towards them. Due to all kinds of beliefs about how we’re supposed to feel, our true feelings can become buried very deeply. When it comes to dealing with narcissists, however, any feelings of anger and hate are (as long as they are processed in a healthy way) extremely liberating and healing. It can be a great relief to realize that there is nothing wrong with your psychic radar: that you did know that this person is not a good person for you to spend time with! (You may just not have been able to face the reality of narcissists before and therefore had to deceive yourself into thinking that there was a solution.)

What About Helping a Narcissist to Heal?

If you’ve ever tried to really help a narcissist, you know that the closer you get to the heart of the matter, the closer you get to things blowing up in your face. The narcissist doesn’t want their issues to be solved, they much prefer to blame others for their problems. No matter how good your solution may be, share it with a narcissist and they will either find reasons why it doesn’t work or will suddenly come to the “insight” that the true problem lies elsewhere. It’s a diversion tactic. Blame energizes them and keeps them at arms length from their true issues.

Some people believe that sending/giving unconditional love will help, but here’s the thing: narcissists don’t want unconditional love. Unconditional love requires openness and honesty. It requires facing fears, feeling difficult emotions and being open to change. In the narcissist’s mind, these are all awful things that are to be avoided at all costs.

So, when it comes to helping narcissists, every time it seems you are getting somewhere, you are faced anew with an impenetrable wall. Face it, they want to stay behind it. It’s not your fault that you cannot love or be loved by them, they were never available for real love in the first place.

The best thing to do is to let them be and move on. If you can’t seem to move on, ask yourself: what am I hoping to receive?  What do I still want from them? Then  consider: Have I ever received this from them in the past?

If so:  what did I need to do/give/give up for that? Was it worth it?

If not: since the person in question is resistant to change, what are the chances that our relationship will change in the way that I want it to?

#narcissism #abuse #emotional abuse #toxic relationship #article

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#poetry

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#just abuse things

-looking over your shoulder every 2 seconds

-panicking and staring at the door every time you hear footsteps outside

-”don’t speak don’t say anything just take it and don’t make it worse”

-being too scared to ask for permission to do anything and then not getting anything done

-someone raises their voice a little and everything just goes to “IM SORRY PLEASE DON’T YELL AT ME IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY P LEASE DONT YELL”

-jumping out of your skin at every unexpected noise

#relatable

[healingfromabuse-blog]

can we please stop acting like abuse only happens in romantic or familial relationships? platonic relationships can be incredibly toxic and unhealthy, and just because you’re strictly friends with someone doesn’t mean they can’t abuse you.

if your friend hits you, for whatever reason, they are abusive.

if your friend makes you do whatever they want and makes you feel guilty for trying to give your opinion, they are abusive.

if your friend makes you feel bad for trying to talk to them about your feelings, they are abusive.

if your friend tells you that you’re stupid, ugly, worthless, ect., they are abusive.

if your friend gets mad at you for hanging out with people they don’t like, they are abusive.

if your friend tries to make you feel guilty for cancelling plans when you had a legitimate reason (like health issues, homework, family drama, ect.), they are abusive.

if your friend pressures you to do things that you aren’t comfortable with, they are abusive.

if your friend purposely makes you feel bad about yourself or makes you feel guilty for the things you like and do, they are abusive.

if your friend touches you in a sexual or sensual way without your consent, they are abusive. even if they do it “jokingly.” even if you’re both straight members of the same gender. and especially if they keep doing it after you make it clear that you’re uncomfortable. (this is a big one)

keep an eye out for red flags in your platonic relationships just like you would in a romantic relationship. if you have a friend who does any of the things on this list, please talk to them about it. let them know that their behavior is hurting you and is not okay. and if they don’t get better, cut them out of your life. letting go of toxic people is an act of self care, and you are not selfish or cruel for cutting ties with someone who hurts you. 

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They make you doubt your memory. They make you think that maybe you were wrong. Maybe it was your fault. Maybe you remembered it wrong. They won’t let you believe your own memory, because it makes them look bad. The facts make them look bad. So they have to to make you forget them.

but the facts stay the facts, and your memory is more real than their denial of it.

#narcissism #abuse #gaslighting #quote #q

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#narcissists #emotional abuse #toxic relationships

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Narcissists DO believe their own lies and will NOT back down or apologize, even when caught red-handed. When confronted, it’s incredible to watch the denial in progress. If they can’t deny the lies completely, they BLAMESHIFT and someone else is instantly responsible for those lies and for the Narcissist’s own behavior instead. Don’t waste your time, your energy or any more of your life trying to reason with or understand a Narcissist. Love yourself enough to walk away and don’t look back!

A.N

#narcissism

[healingfromabuse-blog]

#narcissism

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Me: *illness acts up* "I can't do the thing."

Parents: *parents get annoyed* "I'm having a bad day, therefore you shouldn't be sick. Suck it up."

#narcissism #relatable #q

[healingfromabuse-blog]

Being upset is not a justification for sustained, persistent abuse. Losing your cool is not the same as perpetually hurting the ones you're supposed to love. Having one bad day and taking it out on a friend is different to hurting them whenever you feel bad. Do not excuse abuse by saying tempers were high.

#abuse #emotional abuse #narcissism

[healingfromabuse-blog]

I think one of the most damaging aspects of verbal abuse is not just the abuse itself, but the people who guilt you for being upset with your abuser. The ones who say you were probably abusive too, or the ones who say ‘people change’ and tell you to just forgive your abuser. The friends who choose to cut you out of their life instead of them. It makes all the abusive things they said bubble back and seem true. Its fucked ok.

[healingfromabuse-blog]

abuser: what do you mean you're upset? look how upset you've made ME.

#abuse #emotional abuse #narcissism

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#advice

[healingfromabuse-blog]

How to Deal with a Narcissist

1. Don’t expect empathy, understanding or praise and recognition from a narcissistic person. Keep your private thoughts and feelings close to your heart, and don’t open up and make yourself vulnerable.

2. Expect them to be rude and to say offensive things.

3. Don’t be offended by the things they say and do as it’s not about you – they treat others the same way.

4. Make a lot of their achievements and praise them publicly as they’re always looking to be noticed and affirmed.

5. Don’t try to get a narcissist to see things differently as they’re not going to change, or be influenced by you.

6. Understand that a narcissist is going to drain you dry – and will guilt you into think that you haven’t done enough. But it’s actually not true. They just can’t be satisfied.

7. Don’t push for a meaningful relationship with them as it will always be one-sided … look for love from someone else.

#narcissism #article

[healingfromabuse-blog]

Let’s Talk About Reactive Abuse

From http://www.escapeabuse.com/?p=118

If you’ve ever been in an abusive relationship like I have, it’s likely your abuser tried to convince you that YOU are the abusive one: that YOU have PMS (a favorite accusation of male partners), YOU are over-reacting, YOU are the crazy one, that YOU are responsible for all the issues in the relationship, that YOU are the “time-bomb” that explodes on a regular basis. My ex-abuser even called me “Time Bomb” and mocked me about my reactions and responses to his constant abuse during the last 3-3.5 years of our relationship.

It’s a pretty safe assumption that if you’re getting this type of constant blame, mockery, and guilting from a partner in response to any and all issues that arise, you’re in an abusive relationship.

As for your partner’s assertion, yes – you may have sent angry emails or yelled or slammed doors or called names. So your abuser claims YOU were abusing him/her.

But it’s more likely you were REACTING to being abused by your partner. What can make it even more difficult for you to see and understand at this point is that some of their abuse may be subtle and covert rather than obvious and overt. This causes further difficulty for you in identifying the abuse – and makes it easier for your abuser to convince you that it’s all your fault, or the problem is really with YOU – that you’re “crazy”, or “imagining things”.

They’ll abuse you, and when you react to that abuse, they accuse YOU of abusing THEM and they play the victim role. They don’t call it “crazymaking” for nothing!

This is the stage at which an abused partner often describes as being in the “fog” of abuse. Their abusive partner has guilted them in to accepting ALL blame for the issues in the relationship, and caused them to doubt their own perceptions of the mistreatment they’re receiving.

It’s not at all unusual for a person in an abusive relationship to REACT abusively. This does not mean YOU are the abuser, that you are crazy, have PMS etc. etc. — though the abusive partner will try to convince you that YOU are THE problem and will often succeed in guilting you into believing it. I believed it for a LONG time before I began to recognize and question the pattern of abuse and the subsequent constant blame for the abuse, and worse, the ensuing mockery because I dared respond at all to having been hurt by it.

An interesting thing to note is that an abusive partner will often be very calm when you are upset and angry. This is because when they have finally succeeded in causing your reaction of hurt, upset or anger, then THEY are in power and control over you. THIS is what abuse is about: POWER and CONTROL. And like a drug addict, they get a lot of satisfaction out of that feeling of power and control. Abusers are very disordered people in this way.

The important thing for you to know is that this relationship and this person is toxic, unhealthy, and you need to get out of it and away from this person ASAP. They are emotional vampires, sucking away from you every iota of self-esteem and spirit you ever had. (then they will complain when you have none!)

If someone can drive you to be so upset on a regular basis (and abusers are experts at this – it gives them the sense of superiority, power and control they absolutely LIVE for) then the best thing to do is GET OUT and have NO FURTHER contact with that toxic person, if it is possible for you to do so.

The thing with abusers is that they are pathologically backwards people.

Lundy Bancroft touches on this in his book. Abusive, toxic people only consider and notice THEIR own feelings and their partner’s behavior. They never, EVER consider or notice their PARTNER’S FEELINGS and their own behavior.

When they’re abusive, (verbally, emotionally, sexually, physically, financially – covertly or overtly) it is always someone else’s fault. When their partner/victim finally reacts to that abuse with anger or upset at having been abused – then that is their partner/victim’s fault too.

In their minds, it never gets down to their OWN behavior and how it affects their partner’s feelings. They like to pretend that isn’t relevant, or anything they should ever be responsible for. They ALWAYS lack empathy for their partners (beyond the early “romance” stages when they’re trying to pull you in). This lack of empathy is the mark of the beast of abuse – more than anything else.

Here’s some information that may also help explain this “reactive abuse” concept a little more:

How do you know that you are not the one who is crazy or PMS’ing and that he is really emotionally abusive?

Answer

You are being abused if:

(1) He repeats a certain behavior (ie: pattern of behavior)

(2) You asked him to stop (for whatever reason).

(3) He refuses and continues to behave the way he has.

You may well be abusing him – but that does not mean that he is not being abusive towards you. Both parties are sometimes abusive towards each other.

People who are abusers rarely consider that they might be abusive. Even if the stresses of the relationship lead into what might be considered reactive abuse, anyone who honestly tries to adjust to the other person’s actual needs, actively listens to the other person, and makes every attempt to stop such behavior, probably is not an abuser.

Abusers do not take responsibility for their own behavior, and in fact often blame the person they’re abusing for it. When the abused person reacts to the abuse, the abuser claims their reaction is abuse, and will use guilt to try to get their partner to feel responsible for the abuser’s behavior.

This is one of the reasons getting away from an abuser is so important. Everything clarifies then.

#abuse #emotional abuse #mental health #recovery #article #reactive abuse #narcissists