itsmeglendaloraine

[itsmeglendaloraine]

Looking back to high school...

Recently I’ve been waking up from weird, random dreams. Mostly of my high school life. My classmates and teachers were there and we were talking in circles – the usual scene when we have vacant in between classes. My classmates and I talked about the shows on television and the little realizations of our lives so far. Oh, how little did we know!

My dreams were so vivid. It felt so real. I feel like I’m in that dream. Maybe I just miss the old days. High school to me seemed so simple back then and when I left town for college, I became a whole new person. I went to a university where I never knew anyone. I was totally an alien to the place. I met new people and it was a whole new life for me.

It’s been a while since I last visited my hometown. My family and I moved to another place two years ago so maybe this is just longing. The holidays were just over and I somehow missed the travel back home. When I get to pass the places I have memories with. That feeling of nostalgia.

Now that I dreamed of this, I came to think of my classmates if they felt the same. Have they thought also of me? Have I appeared in their dreams as well? Because to me, they have. Are we in the same boat?

The funny thing about every dream is that it ends with the boyfriend I had in high school. Maybe he impacted me so much that when I think of high school, I think of the boy who made me fall in love and then broke my heart. I never saw him for so long that is why it seems very strange why he is appearing in my dreams. Ah, the subconscious mind and its funny tricks!

Anyway, I was just reflecting so much this past week knowing that a new year has just started. I think these dreams are part of it. I was looking back on how far I’ve come and how I felt like it was so long ago when in fact, it really is. I’m almost at the age when I got to double my age when I graduated from high school. But to me, there still there. When I get to think of those days, I miss them a lot.

Oh, another funny thing in my dreams with the boy was that the scenarios were totally reversed from reality. He is nice to me. He smiles at me and talks gently. Back then, I was somehow walking on tiptoes because I’ll never know his mood and there was that fear and awkward feeling in me. Maybe I’m just very young and everything is a first for me. But one of the things he taught me is to learn to express my feelings when it’s needed and that it’s nice to be with someone whom I get excited to see every time. I look forward to class days and I even performed well academically.

I broke up with him two months before graduation and weeks later, he had a new girlfriend. And I was devastated. I was hoping he’d wait until graduation but nah, he moved on so easily. And I was just as broken and torn to many pieces it was hard for me to put the pieces back together. I just hoped a lot, planned a lot, and dreamed a lot for us but then they remained in fantasy land.  But I’ll always be grateful. Everything turned out to be the best.

I wrote this to process my feelings and work on that reflection. I still don’t know what those dreams are telling me but I’m thankful it happened because I got to think of the time that I first dreamed. I dreamed of a better life and a better future and my teachers made me believe that I can do great things. I’m still a work in progress, but hey, I think I am living the dream.

This is dedicated to my high school classmates, thank you for all the memories and the time we got to spend together. I hope you are all doing well and pursuing your life’s ultimate goals and dreams.

To my teachers who made me hope and dream, I wish you continue to leave an impact on young minds. Thank you for the learnings you’ve taught me.

Lastly, to that boy, when I think of high school, I think of you. You introduced me to young love and I learned a lot from it. You impacted my life way more than I can ever imagine. I wish you well and the very best in whatever you do.

To all of high school, cheers to all the memories we shared and the life we used to have! I miss all of you and I hope to see you all around. Until then.

#high school #nostalgia #reflection #writers

[itsmeglendaloraine]

It's my 3 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

#3 year tumblrversary #tumblr milestone

[itsmeglendaloraine]

A Letter to My Inner Child

Dear 10-year-old self,

We turned 30! Ahhh..you were just a little girl 20 years ago when you thought you'd figure everything out when you reached 30. Along the way, we realized that life is very far from planned and what we expect it to be. We just watched too many fairy tales back then because we always hoped for the dreamy happy ever after and the prince charming riding on a horse rescuing us from all our miseries. 

We learned that life is what we make it and most things don’t go the way we planned. They always turn out to be better than what we dream them to be. It was never a smooth ride. We had so many bumps and twists and turns but we have gone to places we never thought we could be. 

We learned that there is no prince charming. There won’t be someone who will appear out of nowhere to rescue us. We do it for ourselves. We are the charming prince that will save the inner child within us. 

We are slowly working on our tendencies: overachieving, people-pleasing, perfectionism. During our early adolescent and adulthood stages, they are the ones who have both our upsides and downsides. They made us who we are now, having all the things that we worked so hard on, but mostly, they’re also the ones who keep us up at night overthinking and over worrying about things that mostly are out of our control. We are trying to work on that and trust me, it’s way too hard. 

We learned so much about love - all its pain and wonders. We first fell in love during our teens. It was like the movies we used to watch but we cried too much. We dated guys who made us feel inadequate and small, but we ended up meeting a good man who sees through our soul and he listens to our quirks and craziness and never gets tired of it for almost a decade. Bottomline: we are marrying him soon. Isn’t that a happy ending? (Guess, we still got our version of “happy ever after”). 

We learned so much about friendships - that we only need a few good people who will stay whatever the season. We don’t have night outs or coffee dates with friends, but we have a best friend whom we can tell everything to, no matter where in the world we are. 

We learned that family is one of our treasures and that it’s important to create boundaries. They will take our blood forever, but it’s totally okay to be protective of our own mental health and preserve respect and not sacrifice our own peace. We know now that it’s the most important thing. 

Yes, we thought we would answer all those questions, but life happens and unfolds mysteriously in ways we can never fathom. We eventually learned to choose to let go and let everything flow the way the universe has planned. Trust me, it’s never fun to try to control everything in the way we want it to. We try so hard and sometimes, we don’t need to try at all. 

We’ve grown so much, but sometimes we feel we did not grow at all. We are still the same little girl who wants things, but this time around we know our limitations and accept that there is a right time and purpose for everything. 

Our 20s were so hard. Adulting slapped us real hard. We thought we could do everything in our teens because we are smart and special, but heck, we met people who taught us that we were still going to learn more. Because we know nothing. The world is never a fairytale. And reality? Reality is way beyond what we daydreamed of. It was never rainbows and unicorns, baby. It is brutal and painful and just slaps us right in the face. 

We have struggled with too many battles - mostly silent and we are suffering in the dark. Alone. Scared. But somehow we managed to go through and we learned to ask for help and put ourselves first. Our scars protect us and they serve as reminders that we conquered. That we overcame something. 

Honestly, unlike you,  I don’t know what to do in the next few years. I just stopped setting goals according to age. What will be will be. We will be fine no matter what. I let go of society’s pressure and just do what I feel is right at the moment. 

All I know is that I will continue to do my best and fulfill my potential and serve and contribute to society in my own ways. I know that I will always strive for excellence and learning and growth and, alongside all that, I want to heal from all the childhood trauma we’ve been through because it’s tough out here. You have managed to live in a home where there is imbalance, so that would be my goal: to get us through healing. To make peace with you, my 10-year-old self. 

I hope you are proud of me because I am proud of myself. We are 30 now. Who would have thought? Can you imagine? 

It feels like yesterday but it’s been 20 years. We're grown up now. You’ve grown up, little girl. 

Love, 

Your 30-year-old self

#inner child #writers #self reflection

[itsmeglendaloraine]

Nostalgia

Once there was a story.

Of a boy who liked a girl.

But the girl doesn’t have a clue

Because she was busy liking another boy. 

The boy she liked broke her heart.

Over and over again.

One time was two days after Christmas Day.

When she said something he did not like

Second was the summer break after.

When he went out with other girls

Third was a school dance.

When he danced with somebody else

She was badly sick for two weeks.

And was out of school

He did not visit her once. 

Her friends told her when she came back

He was flirting with other girls.

Too many betrayals 

She had already cried too much.

She had enough

So she called it off.

Just two weeks later, 

He was with another girl. 

The girl was badly hurt

“How could he?”, in her mind she wondered.

The last month before graduation was unbearable for her. 

But somehow, she managed

Because the boy who liked her was always there. 

He was there while she was crying. 

Because the boy she liked was dancing with some other girl. 

And now, so many years later,

Everything made sense to her.

Because she just knew that the boy liked her then.

Now she remembered all those gestures.

Him being there for her while she was crying

She just thought it was because they were friends. 

“Yes, it makes sense now”, said the woman.

The woman the girl became

And she is with a man

She tells him stories.

One of them is this

It brought her so many memories.

Of those days

Wished she had known better. 

“It’s supposed to happen that way.

It turned out to be the best.

Or else I won’t meet you”, the man replied. 

The woman smiled. 

Indeed, it’s true. 

She became what she is now because of that girl.

She visits her from time to time.

Down in memory lane. 

And that’s how the story went. 

Once there was a boy who liked a girl.

But the girl liked another boy. 

It was a long time ago.

The girl was me. 

#stories #once upon a time

[itsmeglendaloraine]

On breakdowns

And breakthroughs

Of heartbreaks.

Head exploding.

My head hurts

My heart aches

"Can I do this?"

"How can I do this?"

How am I alive?

Coz I feel dead inside.

But, you're there.

You get me everytime.

Even if all else fails

You said, you'll be there.

You'll be here.

Honey, that saves me everytime

Free me of this bandage.

Save me please. Will you?

#random thoughts #poemsbyme

[itsmeglendaloraine]

This is one of the scenes I captured from this week. To tell you a bit of story, being with nature has always been my thing. I don't know about you but it makes me happy to see sunsets and sunrises. With all the cool, fresh air, clear skies, birds flying. And... Grad school made me love nature more. And, open spaces. I'm specializing environment and natural resources planning in my masters and there, quality of life and overall well-being is greatly promoted. And with that, I have this desire and wish to see more people get to appreciate and enjoy nature more. To take a moment and just pause or walk or just breathe. To prioritize well-being. I'm sure the pandemoc taught us to prioritize health above all. Stress is everywhere and oftentimes, we can't avoid them. So, I encourage you to expose to nature more often and see and feel how a 30-min (or 10, you do you 😉) walking will do. Wishing you a healthy, balanced, and intentional life! ☺️ https://www.instagram.com/p/CqIWKh2pyDN/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[itsmeglendaloraine]

What A Broken Heart Has Taught Me

I got a message from a friend telling me that he saw my ex-boyfriend. When I got his message, I couldn't help but grin. What a funny coincidence! 

Just because, lately, All Too Well by Taylor Swift was the song on repeat at the moment. I’m very happy with my love life, with no issues whatsoever at all but it’s just that time of the month when I’m “extra” about almost everything. Too emotional. Extra sensitive. Maybe this is just hormonal or whatever. But since I am learning to be kinder and more gentle with myself, let’s just consider that this is all but just the hormones talking. 

As that song of Taylor is about venting over a bad breakup, I somehow can relate to it from this ex. He and I had a bad breakup. He never apologized even when I initiated a talk with him for “closure”. 

It’s been years since we had that talk. We were on the beach with all the chilly air coming from the sea. I poured all of my heart out. I told him, with all the courage left in me, that I don’t like hearing all the things he said about me without seeing and admitting what he did wrong. Then, he just said I was being pathetic. 

It was another level of damage. Because I was expecting an apology that night. I expected so much, I thought that the first thing that he will say is “I’m sorry”. That for just that one night, he will finally say he is sorry for using me. For playing with my feelings. For gaslighting me. For being selfish the whole time of our relationship. 

Right there and then, I realized, in the most unpleasing and harshest way, that I will never, ever, live with a man like him. I don’t want to be with a man who never sees his wrongdoings, who never admits mistakes; a man who is too proud and too arrogant to say sorry. 

I told him that there was no need to walk me to the dorm where I live because I want to stay for a moment at the beach. I did that to cry and I don’t want him to see my tears. They were tears that I held back for so long. I finally let them go that night. There goes all the pain. And hurt. And anger. Frustration. 

There were no happy memories of him, all I remember was the times he took me for granted, all the mean things he said about me, all those times he pointed out all my flaws – like how my hair is not to his liking and that I mispronounced the word “meter”. As if I am not already aware of my insecurities! 

On the bright side, he left a tremendous impact on me. He was a wake-up call. An eye-opener. He made me want to love myself first and assert what I want in a relationship. He made me realize that I don’t want to settle for less. He was the standard (of the kind of man I will never marry). He became the prick that I had to put out to end my misery. 

So when my friend told me about him, I was curious if I too will bump into him. Even before, I already have these scenarios in my head of what could happen if we see each other again. Will I be able to say hi? Will he say hello? Somehow, I want to see him and know how he is but I don’t think I can risk that again. Maybe he’s changed. But, I choose to not know and just let everything go. 

I do wish him well. I dearly, truly, sincerely hope that he’s happy. And that, he already found the one that he wanted - the one he tried to impose on me. 

I truly cared for him when we were together. But, there was too much caring, and I lost myself. I had to let go. 

In my pursuit of personal development, I always believed that there is beauty in everything. All the good. All the bad. And, everything in between. All he left me was too many questions and a broken heart. Questions that I answered myself. A broken heart that I healed myself. I learned to forgive him without him asking for it. What could be a more beautiful thing?   

[itsmeglendaloraine]

What Beauty Pageants Revealed To Me

Joining a beauty pageant is a revelation to me. It uncovered all my insecurities that I swept under the rug for years. The comments on my body, like stones thrown at me, wounded me for years – so long that the pain numb me. I was seventeen, then. I did not fully realize that when I got to twenty-five. And now, it’s a constant inner battle that I try to win every day. 

In my freshman year of college, I joined a beauty pageant for the first time. Sort of joined or shall I say I was just convinced to join. I was one of the chosen to represent our course in the competition. I said no. There was lots of convincing done until I finally agreed. Half-heartedly.

I was very hesitant because I never see myself as one of those girls – the “beauty queens”. I never considered myself as “pretty”.  

Way back in high school, in my junior year, there was also a beauty pageant held for the school. I was considered but not chosen because I was, as in verbatim, “Glenda you can be one of the contestants if you’re not that skinny. You need to gain more weight or muscle to be considered”. Duh. 

To summarize all the harsh things I heard from my teachers and peers, it is this: I have the face, and the brain, but not the body. (Ouch!)

High school is the teenage years and in those stages of life, there are a lot of changes in our bodies, especially for girls. For once, I never questioned why I am like this, or why I don’t look like that. It never came to me, honestly. Thanks to my Mama, at home, my sisters and I are welcomed as we are, never heard of any criticism coming from our mother. (I heard that from my aunts, but that’s another story.) 

So back to my story…

I finally joined a beauty contest. That one from college (freshman year). I never won and I knew why. It’s because I never gave my best. I just complied. At that moment, I just thought to get that stupid contest done and get it over with! 

As a first-time contestant, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to walk, talk, pose, or smile. As we see on TV, there is that “beauty queen standard”. The girls walk like they are floating or whatever and talk with all the eloquence and all the confidence in the world. Not even a bit of imperfection. 

While me, I was so self-conscious! I’m never confident. I never was. I never had the desire to learn, which is so strange of me. Because when I like something, I am very diligent. To put it, I never liked what I was doing. As I’ve said, it was more on complying with what I was required to do. 

I cannot remember most of how I performed that night because that was the part of my life that I chose to bury. I don’t want to remember. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want people to talk about it. I never liked to talk about it the whole time I studied at the university. 

But, there was one thing that I vividly remember: I heard lots of good words! Encouragements. Praises. Words that somehow made me survive rehearsals, even, gave me that one bit of confidence to get me to perform on stage. 

Those words came from my teachers, my classmates, my roommates, dorm mates, and even students I don’t know. Words of congratulations even if I did not win. The next morning, I woke up to a text message from a classmate saying I looked so pretty that night. I was shocked! I froze. Oh! Really? 

Everyone was so supportive. Talk about a change of environment. (Haha!)

Here’s one thing that resonated with me from all the books I’ve read and while growing up: Words have an impact. A big one. It is of great significance to our personal development. Sometimes, it will take a while to unravel them but eventually, they will resurface as one of our trauma. One of those pains that have always been there. Hidden. Asleep. 

I was twenty-five when I hit rock bottom. I came to a point where now, I considered a breakthrough. I never knew about anxiety or depression. I never knew them until I was caught in the trap of my thoughts – hurtful words resurfacing. 

I recently read the books, On Purpose by Jay Shetty and Master Your Emotions by Thibaut Meurisse. These books center on personal development and I liked what those books emphasized: that we are not defined by our thoughts or our emotions. All we need to do is self-evaluate and the first step is awareness. We must look into ourselves. 

Our emotions are there to signal us. When we are aware of them, we will be wise enough to be curious about why we feel that way or why a certain event happened to us. We should recognize how we feel. It’s a good opportunity to assess an area of our life that triggers the said emotion. 

Of course, it will not happen overnight. As for me, it took a long while to realize that I need to change some things in some areas of my life. It was quite a journey. Up to now, I am still a work in progress. 

I am at the point in my life where I am happy with how I look. And, every time I see my reflection in the mirror, I like and love what I see. I can’t help but remember that high school girl who was so insecure about herself that she can’t stand seeing her own body because all she hears is that loud, excruciating pain, screaming, “You’re too skinny, you need to eat more”. 

Mind you, I tried so hard on that eating part when I was in high school. I really forced myself to eat a lot but I remained so skinny so I keep on hearing that comment. When I enrolled in college, I heard praise for being one instead of criticism. I heard most of that in the dorm where I lived during my university days. It was when I started to like myself, which led me to love the body that I am in. Little did I know that our bodies are all changing in whatever phase we are in and mainly because of genetics. It’s just how we are made of. 

So, when I was experiencing the worst of my anxiety in my mid-twenties (after months of being depressed), I decided to take charge. That’s when I seek help. I consulted a mental health professional and educated myself on that department. I’ve researched. Read books, read articles online, and learned from stories of people who went through the same journey. I started to incorporate healthy habits such as exercise to release my thoughts. I chose to be healthy. I expressed my thoughts in a journal. I prayed hard to God to release me. To free me. 

I’m turning 30 this year. If I could say one thing to my 15-year-old self, who was rejected in high school, it’s this: “Toughen up! Let yourself be bruised. You’ll thank me later. I’m proud of you!”

Every day, I am choosing to be a better me. As of this writing, I am choosing to put myself first, to embrace all of my flaws and imperfections. I’m not that insecure anymore because I know I am not just pretty but beautiful in my own way. 

We’re all beautiful. We’re all unique. We should be happy and confident with the body we’re in. 

And to those who might be going through the same journey as me, congratulations! You made it here. You’ve come far! We still have a long way to go. 

And to those who are still silently, painfully battling their own demons, I hear you, I see you, I feel you. We can do this. 

I hope that you will join me. Together, we choose to love ourselves and shield our core to those harsh, mean things people carelessly say to us. Take it from Taylor Swift’s song, “People throw rocks at things that shine. But, they can’t take what’s ours”. 

Yes, they really can’t because we shine! Let us all walk with grace and confidence and even if we don’t get the crown, hell yeah! We make our own crown! 

[itsmeglendaloraine]

The black t-shirts

And the pimple patches

That annoying grin

You're so vain.

I rolled my eyes

And you did, too.

Those were the times

That I would never go back to.

Never. Ever.

Because, I was walking on eggshells

When I was with you.

[itsmeglendaloraine]

Nostalgia

I dreamed that dream again

That familiar feeling

Of that innocent, young love

Of that boy.

Memories of old

Vague yet so vivid

Haunting me

Like a ghost.

The tingling pain

From that familiarity

That pain from days past

Piercing through my heart.

Like a fresh wound

That hurts so much

As if nothing makes sense

Until it does.

It left a scar

And bruises and broken pieces

Of fragments

Of hopes and dreams

Shattered into tiny bits.

Then, one day

I’m okay.

They’re all but just memories

Tales of the past

Stories to be told

About that boy

Who broke my heart.

[itsmeglendaloraine]

9 years ago today was the day we first met. Here we are, 9 years later... May we all celebrate this holiday season with the people dear to us! Merry Christmas! https://www.instagram.com/p/CmX5EHup2Ac/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[itsmeglendaloraine]

Lately... I've been dreaming Of what was Of what if's, what could have been's I don't know why Longing? Maybe. Or yearning To go back And relive The life I used to have. Those were the younger years Days of innocence Of youth Of young love And hopes and dreams. Of fairytales That I learned never exist. Dreams... Absurd and crazy as they are Remind me of how fleeting Everything in this world No matter how strong we cling to them. There I was And, here I am The then and now Of what was and what is Of memories I hold on to Forever precious Treasured. Reminisced. Missed and longed for. Never forgotten Always there. Always was. https://www.instagram.com/p/ClpeYxtJ7Gx/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[itsmeglendaloraine]

A Little Bit of Magic

Whoever said there’s nothing permanent in this world is a very wise man. I’ve come to know that as I grow older. Through time, I’ve seen many changes. Days become years. Seasons fade. People come and go. Feelings change. Emotions, too. In myself, I can say I’ve changed so much, too – how I outgrew the things I loved and liked back then doesn’t get to me that much now. Heartbreaks, milestones, breakthroughs, and breakdowns. Bittersweet. Well…I guess life just…happens.

There are so many things in this life that I wish to be more than what it really is. There are things that I wanted to have and don’t have in this lifetime that I wish I have. I wish some people didn’t hurt me. I wish those happy moments last longer and forever. I wish it’s always the “good old days”. I wish I could go back to my childhood and still believe in magic. That I could solve every problem in a heartbeat and drown myself in colors and rainbows and chocolates.

But, I’ve grown up. I learned the hardest way that life can be harsh and cruel and mean to you. It never gave a warning or a signal and just…poof! It tore you down and break you and tears you into tiny pieces you feel like you can never be whole again. At the same time, life can also make you hope that somewhere somehow you can make it through no matter how hard something must be. After all, that’s been done, happened, and been said, you still cling to that hope for love and beauty in this crazy world and that someday, everything will make sense.

And yet, life never fails to amaze me. Though there were so many things I went through that I don’t want to go back, there were a lot of memories too that I’d like to visit from time to time. The excitement of opening Christmas gifts, simple gatherings with family, playing hide and seek with childhood friends, reading a love letter from a secret admirer, the dreamy feeling of being in love for the first time. Lots of memories that will forever be cherished. Along with those not-so-good ones that break your heart. Despite it all, we all love and get hurt, eventually. And life must move on. On the other side of the world, some person is going through something either the same, better, or worse than you. Amidst all these crazy things in the world and what I went through so far, there’s only one thing that I promised myself to live by. That no matter what, I’ll always, always choose to believe in love and look for the good in everyone’s heart. And even when I don’t find it in someone, I am always maintaining compassion and kindness and goodness in my heart – weapons I need to see that there is beauty and magic in this world. Most were hidden but never gone. Because experience-wise, no matter how hopeless and depressed I was, I managed to get through whatever obstacle I was facing back then. And that, I cannot fathom nor explain how. I guess…life? Or, maybe, a little bit of magic.

[itsmeglendaloraine]

A Penny for a Thought...

It’s a windy, chilly afternoon. I am walking my dog. Above are clear blue skies with white clouds scattered here and there. The cool wind blows my face, making my hair detangled from its bun. The afternoon sun gives that heat that is friendly to the skin.

I looked up to the sky, there’s a big bird. An eagle or a hawk perhaps and it’s flying peacefully. Spreading its wings and soaring as the wind blows.

And then I thought, “I could be that bird”. I could just let the wind drift me wherever it wants to go. I could just surrender to wherever the wind takes me. I could just peacefully, calmly, wholeheartedly give in to what nature gives me. I could be like that, you know.

I wish I can reach that point of surrender and let natural force work on me. Maybe, I am more at peace that way. But, I thank God for all the wonders He gave me. From those clear blue skies, the cool wind, my precious dog. Though there are things that bother me a lot, at least I have gratitude in my heart.

[itsmeglendaloraine]

Oh, solitude! Drown my thoughts.

Cleanse me. Embrace me.

Free me.

Help me breathe.

Let the wind drift this pain away

Take me to a place where no one knows about

I don’t want to go

Don’t want to let go

Free me. Allow me to breathe.

Oh, solitude! Take me away.

Far far away...

#poemsbyme #poetry

[itsmeglendaloraine]

Sometimes, when the world gets so loud and noisy, I walk away;

I walk towards you...

And, peace there is.

With you, there is peace.

No matter where you are,

You'll always be the place I want to come home to.

You'll always be my peace.

#poemsdaily #poemsbyme

[itsmeglendaloraine]

I love reading.

And, I love writing, too.

As much as I love you.