iwonderwhyitrysohard

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

i really dont know how im still here. if every emotion i feel is so extreme that i have somatic symptoms what do i do? just sit there and letit consume me? i feel like a bad person. i feel like i mess up all the time and ruin everything for everyone else. the whole idea that if i dissapear only a few people would truly care does feel real. i dont even get that sad when i think about it. when i think about dying and disappearing and being forgotten. it doesnt even bother me. sometimes i get a feeling like maybe today is the day i die. and its never right. but one of these days it will be right. i cant say im prepared for that. i really wanna disappear. just not be here. i dont care that im good to some people, for some reason i care that everyone likes me. all the time. but im sick and depressed and barely have a passion for life any more. thats not good. im on anti depressants and theyre helping i can tell they are but some of my mental issues arent possible for me to overcome. not that i cant deal with them, more that they never go away. ive got the genetic type of depression. the chemical kind. the kind most people think they have but dont actually. my serotonin receptors are shot, i have to manufacture happiness to feel something. ive heard my family members say the same things ive said in private and had that sinking gut feeling, knowing that this condition runs a lot deeper than i'll ever know. i constantly feel like im about to get the news that someone in my family has taken their own life and its terrible. every text i get every phone call, im hoping that wont be what i hear from the other side. but then i also wonder if one day thats gonna be the call my family gets. that i just couldnt keep fighting it and lost. and i hate that idea. i hate the idea of losing this fight. but also after its all said and done the depression will always be there. i dont think of it as a bad thing so much anymore. i mean i know it isnt good but i dont feel bad about it being a part of me unless it flares up. im just rambling at this point, typing and typing in the hopes that either nobody notices me in the corner of the classroom, shaking and holding it in, or that someone notices, and saves me. from myself i guess. i feel like if i try to speak i might cry or throw up or just nothing will come out. i let a friend down on a project. that caused this spiral. if i cant even function through a friend being slightly disappointed in me how the fuck can i ever function? thats terrifying. to have something so small send me into a spiral where i contemplate if life is worth it. i think thats what bothers me. if a few words can hurt me so badly i cant eat or drink or speak and they werent even mean words how do i continue to make it through?

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

i wish i could worry about the same stuff as people my age sometimes. but since i cant lets talk about something else i deal with that i actually think should be shared by more people.

fun fact: i have like no eyelashes! ive been growing them out for a few months now. i have a condition called trichotillomania. basically a compulsion to pull my hair out. started with my eyelashes, removed an eyebrow or two, and even took out the entire front of my hair.

the hair loss was enough to get mean comments and snide remarks. the eyelashes are easier to hide since i can use eyeliner to mimic lashes.

i grew my head hair back in 2019-2021 and i did a really good job. i still get the compulsion to pull my hair but im working on it constantly. i have a small bald spot on the like exact area where all of my hair parts but its easy to cover and im working constantly to redirect my behavior.

#trichotillomania #hair pulling

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

im so fucking tired of emotions and feelings and people and situations. i feel like all i do is complain because it sucks. i dont want to do this anymore. like not even in a depressed way im just annoyed. i dont wanna do this! i dont wanna put up with this anymore. my time is constantly consumed by other things. i grasp at a few hours to sit down and stop doing stuff then feel immense guilt for it. i try to use class time to do what i need to but theres too much shit. im supposed to be this impressive 20 year old but i just dont know that i am. i feel like im marching towards my own death. i wanna run away. get in my car and just leave everything behind. but also i love what i have here. i love my family and my pets so obviously i dont wanna really just leave. but sometimes i wish i could scare people bad enough for them to care. you think that being hospitalized with near kidney failure would net me any fucking sympathy with some teachers but nope! i have one professor who just continues to be a dick. do i have to spell it out? how can you sit there and tell someone who is so terrified of their own body that the stupid amount of work you've assigned is more important than anything else. how can you seriously think that? im dying. i could get an infection that kills me any moment. i live my life in fear. that at any second something will dislocate, something will fail, something will mess up and i will be back in the hospital. screaming about wanting to die. im upset. and i want someone to fucking validate this. but if i talk about it people pull away. nobody wants to care about someone as sick as me. im angry. im tired. im so fucking done.

#chronically ill #chronic illness #chronic pain #fibromyalgia #spoonie

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

being the youngest person in the waiting room and getting looks from everyone else is just… the worst. they’re calling everyone before me because why would a 20 year old be here? Probably waiting for a parent or grandparent right? no way that’s the person who needs help.

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

just a little bit more. i just have to keep trying and pushing for a few more weeks then itll be a bit easier. the weather will be warm. i'll get to breathe. take a glass blowing class, travel, idk stuff other than "RESEARCH PAPER 432432 CHILDREN GET DEPRESSED WHEN PARENTS TELL THEM THEY ARE WORTHLESS!?!?!?!?!?"

#chronically ill #chronic illness #chronic pain #fibromyalgia #spoonie

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

UGH!

so tired of things to do and people to send emails to and just stuff. im physically unable to carry my laundry to and from the laundry room now and luckily my mom was willing to buy me a little cart thing so i can do it but still.

a friend was jokingly making fun of how much laundry i hadnt done and how its all in a pile on my floor and it was just.... really embarassing. i dont really like to admit that i struggle to do things like dishes, laundry, and bathing myself sometimes, but i know i do. since i have to worry about the upkeep in my apartment i barely leave time to do these things.

i feel like the one thing that would make me just sit down and do it would be if my boyfriend spent less time with me. but i dont want to do that since he kinda is helping me get through my days.

but even then i feel like a burden to him.

i have so little motivation to do anything but school at this very moment. i have ultrasounds and an invasive procedure scheduled now but its like whats the point?

not in a "i want to die so nothing matters" way.

Just why? Why am I still pushing so hard? To get the highest grades and study and all of that while these other areas of my life get harder and more difficult to manage.

why do i still care sooooo much about my body and weight when i clearly have other things to be worried about?

why do i keep doing things like this to myself?

introspection is a big part of how i navigate this experience. and sometimes i guess i need to posit these questions and hope something will click for me.

#chronically ill #chronic illness #chronic pain #fibromyalgia #spoonie

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

not bad news not good news. nothing ever grew from the cultures so next step is to check for structural issues with my kidneys. that’s the leading theory. he didn’t know much abt it since it wasn’t his field but i really felt like he cared!

sitting in the doctors office. waiting. i hope they don’t tell me any bad news!

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

sitting in the doctors office. waiting. i hope they don’t tell me any bad news!

#chronically ill #chronic illness #chronic pain #i need to go to the bathroom!

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

curious how many people also had this happen:

were you ever told that you may have fibromyalgia, but due to the stigma around the disorder they wouldn’t actually diagnose you with it? they told me they would treat like a fibro patient, which i guess meant they didn’t plan on treating me and were gonna spend the next few sessions telling me i must have imagined the pain. but how many other people had something like that happen?

#fibro #fibromyalgia #chronically ill #chronic illness #chronic pain #spoonie

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

the best part about it all is that as i sit here, deteriorating mentally because i wasn’t prepared to be thrust into all this while taking 16 credit hours and working two jobs, that still nobody knows what’s wrong with me! honestly if the physical stuff doesn’t kill me im sure the mental stuff will. nobody can see it though. because i’m scared of letting people know i’d rather die than keep dealing with this pain. it’s not even an exaggeration. i’m just. tired of it. i used to say if i could flip a switch and turn off the world id do it all the time. what i really meant was that this is exhausting. and that the rest of the world doesn’t wait for you to get better. my brother is jealous of me for getting a good job while i’m still getting my degree. if he knew what my day to day was like i think he’d be a lot less jealous. i can’t take breaks, because my break was the hospital and ER visit i had to take. my breaks are literally just whenever my body is so worn down that i almost die. that’s crazy right? i’m lucky to have jobs that understand and bosses who are compassionate and want me to do well. but it won’t be like this forever. i’m cherishing what i have but the knowledge that i landed in a good spot and may not have it later is kinda scary. i try to end every post like this on a more positive note. i like to be happy. but today it’s just a bit hard. so i’ll do something small.

the weather is nice today. i like the way the few shines on the grass. this clay i bought is the perfect texture.

it’ll be ok

#chronically ill #chronic illness #chronic pain #sick #depressing shit #it’ll be okay

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

i haven’t even done anything that i’ve felt good about in months. no art to show, nothing. the one thing i do to relieve my stress has been pushed to the back burner because of everything else. i don’t enjoy anything anymore. i hate it. i want to feel happy again.

sometimes i think i forget that i suck. i’m stupid. i don’t remember stuff. i was never as smart as everyone else growing up. i was always behind. and even though i wanna think that’s changed it hasn’t. im stupid. it doesn’t matter if i write stuff down right as it’s said or if i put things into my calendar. i get it wrong or i mess it up or somehow just make it worse. im just the best at being terrible. i want to fight to live but a lot of days i just don’t see the point anymore. why am i fighting for a life that so clearly doesn’t want or need me in it? i don’t even have the motivation to give up anymore. so im stuck in a limbo of stressing myself out so much and wanting to just end it and let myself rest finally or being ok with life. i almost hope that i go in for these next few appointments and they tell me im dying. so at least the guilt of having done it to myself won’t be there. im constantly in pain, im not very smart or funny, like i just am not worth it. im not worth the energy it takes. and yet im still fucking here! i can’t even tell if im too much of a coward to try again or if i really am just content with life. everything is the same. every day is the same.

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

sometimes i think i forget that i suck. i’m stupid. i don’t remember stuff. i was never as smart as everyone else growing up. i was always behind. and even though i wanna think that’s changed it hasn’t. im stupid. it doesn’t matter if i write stuff down right as it’s said or if i put things into my calendar. i get it wrong or i mess it up or somehow just make it worse. im just the best at being terrible. i want to fight to live but a lot of days i just don’t see the point anymore. why am i fighting for a life that so clearly doesn’t want or need me in it? i don’t even have the motivation to give up anymore. so im stuck in a limbo of stressing myself out so much and wanting to just end it and let myself rest finally or being ok with life. i almost hope that i go in for these next few appointments and they tell me im dying. so at least the guilt of having done it to myself won’t be there. im constantly in pain, im not very smart or funny, like i just am not worth it. im not worth the energy it takes. and yet im still fucking here! i can’t even tell if im too much of a coward to try again or if i really am just content with life. everything is the same. every day is the same.

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

i'm still in so much pain, its definitely annoying. but ive been making it through my work, I said something during a zoom meeting and the team laughed, things are ok.

#chronically ill #chronic illness #chronic pain

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

right back to it with severe stomach pain this morning but i’m happy that yesterday was so good. i won’t let it get me down. i’ll just spend today enjoying being lazy if i can’t move much. i’ll get my work done and be comfy while i do it

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

i woke up without pain today! i went on a walk today! I GOT A SUN BURN TODAY!!!!!! today has been good. there is hope!

#chronically ill #chronic illness #chronic pain

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

its really hard not to get angry sometimes

i know im a full time college student so doing classwork and networking and whatnot is my job. but like i have two jobs, and im taking 16 hours of classes, and one of my professors is the worst.

this man told me he wouldnt excuse any absences for a surgery i was supposed to have this wednesday. but since i had sepsis and could have died i GUESS i can have that excused.

im on a very liberal campus. and i am a very liberal myself. but jesus christ i'm starting to get why disability gets denied so often and why nobody believes me when i seek help.

im sure some of it is just my anger spilling over, and i feel the need to get angry at people with less severe symptoms than me, but there are also just so many people here who don't have what they claim they have.

you would think as people studying mental health and illness and the brain you would know that not having any sensory or social issues prior to college means you dont qualify for an autism diagnosis. but that just slips right over so many people's heads.

im not even kidding, i had someone tell me that because im diagnosed autistic that i cant make autism jokes because it isnt fair to the people who self diagnose.

it isnt fair to some of the people who take the resources i need and delegitamize my illness.

ok!

and ofc not everyone who self diagnoses is wrong. i mean i cannot tell you the amount of people i know who suspected autism, saved up their money, and bam, autism diagnosis. Even those who can't go get a diagnosis are often correct, they have the symptoms!

but these people literally cannot stop themselves from divulging information about their pasts that proves they just have ADHD and social issues.

if you take psych classes in college people will trauma dump. its inevitable. but to trauma dump, give us a full look at you and the issues you've had, then claim a disability you don't have the symptoms of makes me upset.

i think its hard for me too because i want to pretend that autism is becoming more socially acceptable but it really isnt. the idea of "quirky childlike autism bean" is becoming popular. i miss a lot of social cues, and sometimes i say things that are not appropriate because i misread the room. accepting autism would be like my friends who explain to me why what i said isnt appropriate and help me understand nuance. accepting autism is understanding that i cant go to every social event we plan because i cant handle new people, so you plan events just for us.

it isnt people who coddle my destructive symptoms and let me get away with stuff because "well you have autism."

no autism isnt an excuse you can use for stalking someone. (yes someone tried this excuse after i reported them to administration for threats/harassment)

its not an excuse you can use for why you dont do chores or help around the apartment. (seen this one on our college yikyak)

its not a badge of honor that grants you access to some secret club.

its got perks but its got a ton of downsides. i have to consciously manage my symptoms daily. and its exhausting! but thats what its like to have something like this.

i dont wanna devalue other people's experiences, and i really just want to know why people think its so cool to be disabled. i guess i just wish i could be them. that i could have something mild or not at all and just get to claim the title and manage a couple symptoms.

but that wasnt what i got.

i think everyone who suspects a disability of sorts deserves recognition and the access to doctors who can help them for cheap or free.

even if you dont have what you think you do, you might have something else. or maybe you are even atypical!

i just get upset because i had to jump through all of these hoops and have so many people treat me different just because of some words on paper that i had to pay for. i mean seriously testing is expensive and its all for what? a piece of paper that says i cant make eye contact or handle loud sounds (/s)?

that i had to be so uncomfortable and treated so badly to find out thats whats wrong with me.

and some people just dont have to go through that.

im angry that i did and they didnt.

but thats life. its different for everyone. and i know that. i just wish i didnt get so angry sometimes.

#vent post #actually autistic

[iwonderwhyitrysohard]

you know i say "i hope" as if im not doing everything to make this a possibility. i wont let it claim me. my blog is titled i winder why i try so hard but its because i'll be damned if after 10 years of fighting my depression i let this physical stuff take me down. i beat my depression into submission and will also beat my uterus and kidneys into submission if i must

its painful again today. im hoping one morning i can wake up and it just wont hurt. that burning, stabbing pain in my stomach might just not be there when i open my eyes. my cat also accidentally scratched me. that hurt a bit.