jigglypuffinvirtualparadise

[jigglypuffinvirtualparadise]

What do you do when you don't feel like doing anything

[jigglypuffinvirtualparadise]

I just need to distance myself from this person. Because they are not honest or transparent. They don’t care about what I am saying anymore. Because the attraction has faded away. I have been in those situations before. And it does NOT feel good. NOTHING worse than you talking to someone and they don’t listen to a word and don’t even care to ask me to repeat incase they didn’t listen LOL. Such is life. Such is human. We create these ideas of understanding and romance. While there is no such thing. Maybe I do the same thing? Maybe I don’t listen carefully to people either? Maybe I’m zoning out too? Idk. It feels so much worse in reality than in hypothetical. It’s selective indifference. It’s not that they won’t help me out if I need it. They just don’t care about me otherwise. Unless they need something. I don’t think that’s a friend. Or is that a friend? It feels like they are just an acquaintance. I am so used to this selective indifference by now, that I don’t really feel sad. But definitely the uncertainty makes me a little anxious. That’s all. A more mature person would tell me honestly what they feel, if they really cared about me. I cannot expect that from someone who takes no accountability. I don’t care for transactions. It’s never fair. Just be honest with me and tell me truthfully what you feel about me. If we are to be friends at all. Or else, I am here with you just for the time being. I wish you well, but you will someday have no more of me.

#toxic friends #toxic love #weirdcore

[jigglypuffinvirtualparadise]

There is nothing more humbling and disintegrating than losing things. Losing connections. Losing people. Having something spectacular, and slowly watch it fade away. Watch it disappear. It’s gone. It has changed. They have changed. I have changed. Is there someway to not lose it? Can someone tell me how not to lose these moments? But then how do we prevent change. We cannot prevent change. Our systems do not accommodate change. Our schools don’t prepare us for change. What happens when everything you seemingly thought is working out slowly dismantles? What do we do? How do we cope? How do we recalibrate? How do we continue? How do we go on when nobody around understands? We just face it. We let it kill us. We let it destroy us. Either we persist at the end of it or we perish. It’s not that I choose to perish, I am depending on my life to let life show me the way. This crisis that I am in now will either kill me or make me something else. I don’t know. If I make it, I just have to keep convincing the universe that I’m sane enough to continue allowing me to exist in different spaces. And keep living. Because this life is also a privilege.

#crisis core #reflection #thoughts

[jigglypuffinvirtualparadise]

So I lost my job. Feels like shit. Because I fucked up. Was totally my fault. I hate myself for it. Because it threw my existence in this country under the bus. I can’t blame anyone. It’s over.

#jobsearch #lost job #unemployment #crisis core

[jigglypuffinvirtualparadise]

YUDHO

[jigglypuffinvirtualparadise]

Unknown, Solar Eclipse 1925 January 24, New York 

[jigglypuffinvirtualparadise]

Winged Victory of Samothrace - Photo by Cate Copenhaver

The Winged Victory of Samothrace, also called the Nike of Samothrace, is a 2nd century BC marble sculpture of the Greek goddess Nike (Victory). Since 1884, it has been prominently displayed at the Louvre and is one of the most celebrated sculptures in the world.

[jigglypuffinvirtualparadise]

Gordon a Newkirk Jr, Eclipse, 1970

Baltimore Sun archives

[jigglypuffinvirtualparadise]

It baffles me when someone falls for someone based on appearances within 24 hours, how? What does it mean you are seeing your future with them 👀 without knowing them too well?? They only know a little bit about you too? Human beings baffle me, I am also one of them. And I’m sure I am also baffling people around me. But this behavior is VERY NEW to me. Straight men amuse me, they really be living in a different world. How they feel romance is very different. I guess not all men but damn they be living in their own heads with their own little ideas of romances. Like bro you just spent 6 hours with this person ; you told me they don’t know you enough. And now you see a future with them and you suddenly want to consider monogamy with them?? They be assuming that if the other person is responsive to their flirtatious behavior that they want to sleep with them or that they love them. Nah bro. It’s fun to flirt, and it’s fun to be flirted with or receive complements. That doesn’t mean love or romance. Soooo amusing to me because straight men DO THE SAME and give the impression to other people that they are into them when all they want is attention or the goal is to get into the other person’s pants. But suddenly oh when they are flirting with someone they are “interested” in (mostly for physical or superficial reasons, especially in this case because this person said they don’t know much about the person they are interested in lmao), they are sooo disappointed that the other person doesn’t feel anything for them :/ The irony, the contradiction! And these people are running the world??? Running governments?? Countries?? You mislead people and yet you accuse the women for misleading you??

#straight men #the straights are not okay #the straights need help #reflections #thoughts #journal

[jigglypuffinvirtualparadise]

DONT STOP TALKING ABOUT PALESTINE! DONT STOP TAKING ABOUT GAZA!

DONT LET THEM MAKE YOU FORGET!!

[jigglypuffinvirtualparadise]

i needed to read this today so im sharing it to all of you!!

[jigglypuffinvirtualparadise]

Elden ring by 冯伟 Feng Wei（c12）

[jigglypuffinvirtualparadise]

Oh boy some days I don’t want to talk to anyone. And this has lead to a drift between me and people who are incredibly close to me. I’m trying to keep up with life and in that process I lose the people who are really close to me just because I can’t call or text them. I will be totally alone at this point and it’s nobody’s fault.

#socially inept #antisocial #socially awkward #alone with my thoughts

[jigglypuffinvirtualparadise]

I have this constant anxiety about being snooped on. About people going through my stuff. About people having cameras in my room. About my family somehow having access to my data. To my photos, to my private messages. I have this constant anxiety around being watched by the people I live with. I have this feeling that they are watching me. That they are going through my stuff. When I conveyed this fear/anxiety to someone, they told me that im probably not that important, that people don’t care about me so much, that they don’t care about me to know about me. And yes I completely agree with that but then idk why I feel like I’m being snooped on. I don’t like this. I hate all of this. I fuvked up my experiment today. I don’t even know how. I did everything right. Or so I thought. But it didn’t work. I am doing it for the first time. And it just didn’t work. Nothing makes me feel more defeated or humbled. It makes me feel like I am nothing. A gentle reminder. That I am not that great. Power is a nice feeling. It feels great to feel powerful. But then, it’s not real? The fact that we are nothing is probably more real.

Art by Kurovoid from DeviantArt

#job anxiety #thoughts #reflection #thinking #life

[jigglypuffinvirtualparadise]

The depression was fucking crazy today. The number of times I wished I did not exist. I realized that today’s depression is out of me seeking power. I want to feel powerful. Inspired by the movie Dune 2 lol. But I guess I want to feel power. To be loved is to be powerful and I will never feel that way again. I will never be loved like that again. I will never be understood that intimately again. But I still want to seek power. I still want to feel that powerful.

#reflection #thoughts #high anxiety #depression diaries #thinking #life

[jigglypuffinvirtualparadise]

[jigglypuffinvirtualparadise]

I can rant for days. So I sent an email to one of my PIs and a slack message to another one of my PIs and BOTH of them do NOT respond. The email I sent has something to do with my visa and it affects my STAY IN THIS COUNTRY AND THEY DO NOT RESPOND. It gives me so much anxiety. Like do you not want to me continue in this job?? Am I going to get fired?? Do you not care that I have to stay in this country?? :( like please respond. Anyways I’m giving them another day before I follow up again. This is stressing me out so much. It doesn’t take so long to respond so why are they not responding?? And more than anything, this is so important for me to continue my job and to continue staying here :(. Please respond :( :(

It’s not that they are bad PIs at all, it’s just that I am concerned about sending this out asap. And I would genuinely LOVE to continue working with them. so I’m wondering why they are not responding. What do I do :(

#work anxiety #thoughts #job anxiety