Possessed by the idea of Ed sitting Stede down once he gets together with Izzy (just to be clear, I mean Stizzy getting together) and giving his co-captain a lecture about dating their first mate, since he's already got experience (kinda like Ted to Barney in HIMYM).
The rules are as follows:
1. No PDA. None. No matter how tiny the gestures might seem. Izzy Hands is not to be touched in view of others. Period. Unless Stede really wants to lose a finger or an eye.
2. No pet names under penalty of death. Ed has tried to call Izzy 'babe' exactly once. The screaming he got in return was not worth it.
3. All attempts at funny business during 'work hours' are strictly forbidden. Any tries result in a knife to the gut. Izzy doesn't let sex distract him from chores. Ever.
4. Izzy's hair is not to be petted, even if they look exceptionally fluffy. It's not done. Finger, eye, knife. You get the picture.
5. You do not coddle Izzy. Never offer him any comfy fluffy robes, bubble baths or such, even if he looks like death warmed over. It's best to leave him alone till he bounces back himself.
Stede listens to the list with rapt attention, nodding along, even starts taking notes at some point.
okay. Okay so. This is ridiculous but. The idea won’t get out of my brain ever since I started rewatching an old sitcom:
Izzy Hands as The Nanny
no no hear me out.
Izzy works in his bf Ed’s tailor shop (vs a bridal shop cuz even in an au I can’t stretch to see Izzy doing anything bridal for a living) until Ed wants to give Jack Rackham Izzy’s job and oh also he wants to start dating Jack too. So Izzy is out of a job and a relationship that’s been in the pre-engagement state for years. Izzy gets a part time job selling fine chef’s knives door-to-door (instead of makeup. Because it’s a good excuse to slip Steak Knife into the story and also because my bestie used to sell knives and I love him)
Izzy happens to show up at the Bonnet mansion household around the time they were expecting their newest nanny to come for an interview. Izzy thinks he is being invited in to give his sales pitch. In classic sitcom misunderstanding it takes a while for Stede to realize that Short Dark and Handsome here is not actually a manny with a resting rage face.
But by then Izzy has had a chance to interact with Stede’s kids and his household staff. Stede has fondness for anyone who is kind to his kids and has a secret awe for anyone who seems to get along with less awkwardness than he himself does. Izzy just talks to the kids like they are adults because he doesn’t know how else to deal with tiny people except to treat them like big people. Alma appreciates it.
The rest of the household (Buttons as the butler? Lucius as a PA? Roach as chef, Jim as driver, etc you get the idea) are surprisingly on board with hiring the guy who came to the door with a briefcase full of knives to provide daily childcare. He’s got no experience or qualifications but Izzy clearly does not take shit from anyone and won’t get scared off in under two months like the last nanny.
and look, the pay is really good. Even if Mr Bonnet is supremely annoying, he pays well and the kids seem fine, old enough to entertain themselves most of the time and not be very interested in interacting with some greying old man. He can get them to school and home from school, and deal with the occasional snotty cold or scraped knee for such a huge salary, with room and board on top! plus staying in the rich part of town cuts down on the chances of running into Ed and/or Jack.
So Izzy moves into the mansion and chases the Bonnet children around for a living. (Izzy quickly learns that the kids are still young enough to love playing pirates, something Stede started with them but has been too busy to do. Izzy, wearing an eye patch and brandishing a plastic sword, taunts Stede into joining their play by challenging him to duel (yes Stede smacks his ass with his sword))
obvious stede would never get full custody lol so there’s plenty of time when the kids are with their mother and Stede’s only company in the big empty house is Izzy Hands 😮😀
HILLYWOOD IS COMING TO THE NETHERLANDS! 🇳🇱 Meet Hilly & Hannah at Dutch Comic Con, June 21 - 23! Official schedule, Panel times and Booth location will be coming soon. Stay tuned! 🎉