lostlonelylotus

[lostlonelylotus]

- Shira Erlichman

for @lostlonelylotus happy birthday!!!

#Matthew Lawson #I AM UNHINGED IN THE HIGHEST #you have outdone yourself yet again and reduced me to incoherent rambles #i love the quote it fits matthew so perfectly I can't even #and the shot of Ballarat West? Genius. Galaxy Brain. ART! #and the coloring?! like so light and happy matthew as the center of attention 🤩 #it also has a ridiculous sixties glow i cant define or explain and so it fits perfectly with your font #I'm just this is so good i died #I'm back it was only temporary but i definitely died #aw geez i just love it so much 😍 #it's perfect on every level

[lostlonelylotus]

Bad idea Bad idea Bad idea Bad idea

#The Doctor Blake Mysteries #Matthew Lawson #Charlie Davis #Matthew/Charlie #Charlie's defensive intense posture in the 1st two gifs #and like idk about other people but i dont stand in my boss's personal space bubble #and Matthew isn't even looking away as he drinks even tho they're <1 ft apart lol #the frowning side eye that turns to confusion; Matthew is clearly trying to gauge Charlie there #and coupled with his little frown that says Nothing Nope Just Got Lost In Thought There Yep #Matthew's gonna have you figured out! :3 #but seriously tho these gifs are perfect: the FONT; the scenes you chose that now tell a different story; #each gif showing progressive body language; a proper story in four parts 😍 #also the pacing of each gif and how the second one starts with the slow pan of the teapot up to Charlie looking intense #then right to the most intense 'I couldn't be more obvious with eye-fucking Davis' look Matthew could give while there is 0 space #i am heart eyes when i look at this #and like even could be interpreted many ways #story could be charlie just thought they could be fwb but now he's in love #could also be that they've been getting closer and Charlie thought he could be satisfied as friends but now he can't #could also be that they're just falling fast and hard and Charlie's just afraid he's hurtling toward earth at break neck speed #just magnificent truly #oh OH and the coloring is so...warm? idk but the coloring gives a whole vibe that feels cozy #Matthew and Charlie stand out against the backdrop of the world and thats a deep layer #shit dont mind me rambling like I've gone totally mad (because i have)

[lostlonelylotus]

Drop Everything and Cry: thank you, Beverly Cleary, April 12, 1916-March 25, 2021.

[lostlonelylotus]

My url fits more than ever

[lostlonelylotus]

Ocean Vuong, On Earth We Are Briefly Gorgeous

#leaving them behind #The Doctor Blake Mysteries #Charlie Davis #Norm Davis #o u c h #all long lashes grief and rage #it messes me up that last gif being in color when Charlie is trying to extend the proverbial olive branch #because like norm is why their relationship is so screwed #but also he has physically left this token behind #~symbolism~ #something interesting I've noticed: Charlie's one thumbnail is shorter than the other considerably #doesn't he have a nervous gesture where he bites or puts it in his mouth? #and Ray has even shorter nails and i have to wonder if thats repeated trauma from punching or biting too #also Mitz the lighting on this is incredible tbh Charlie glows and the vividness of the last gif is just #so vibrant

[lostlonelylotus]

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#uninstalling the app #i just scream into the void here anyway and im sure it will be a relief to not read about my shit anymore #im sorry

[lostlonelylotus]

I wish that I wasn't invisible

#Lennon's Life #just call me fucking claude rains because I'm invisible man #no but rly imagine seeing someone you supposedly love vomiting from stress & pain & talking about how bad u have it #then imagine just ignoring the people in your life who need support bc you don't know how to react #and then you'll have my 'support' system #i don't need someone to hash out every problem in my life #i don't need ass kissing #but Jesus dont pretend i don't exist beyond you and what I'm supposed to do for you #i just want someone to notice that im in hell and fucking give me a hand to hold and help me think of something else #i just want someone to ask me how they can help for a change #i just want someone to offer me a cup of tea ffs #but I guess I literally only exist to help other people #and here we have the reason that I get so pissed when ppl say to think of the ppl who will be hurt if you commit s****** #some ppl are forced to live their whole lives putting everyone else first and so that rhetoric is fucked sorry

[lostlonelylotus]

So not only am I fighting a very severe drug interaction that my doctors and pharmacist missed, but unemployment has royally fucked me by sending me notice of an interview that was supposed to be on 3/11 on 3/15, four days after the interview and supposedly 11 days after they mailed it (...it took 11 days to travel 60 miles, bullshit.) but those dumb cunts also somehow changed my number back to the one I had a decade ago despite my digital pdf saying my current number. I may be fucked out of the money I need to survive because of either a series of fuck ups on some bureaucrats part or a system screw up. They haven't returned my call either and it's just like fuck.

Why do I even bother? Everything I fight for, no matter how hard, no matter how right I am or how much I need it just gets destroyed. This medicine I endured two surgeries, three painful or ineffective medications for, endless tests, begging doctors and insurance for it and it makes my pain medicine literally useless and sends me into withdrawal. It's why I've been so low and in agony lately. It's why I've been so depressed. I only found out by chance, too, because I happened to double check my meds because I wanted an antacid.

As for the unemployment, I had to quit my job due to them allowing my coworkers to not wear masks for HOURS around each other and medical cannabis patients' prescriptions as well as not giving a fuck about corona screenings or travel restrictions or quarantines.

HR punished me with an unpaid leave after raising concerns because my coworker who should have quarantined was allowed to work after traveling to LA for a day trip (his words), HR said it was because it was "a courtesy for my discomfort" but he was allowed to keep his hours and potentially infect the whole staff. Clearly, they could afford the loss of labor for 10 days, but they wanted to punish me for pointing out that their policies weren't followed. When I reported them to government agencies about the guidelines not being followed because it was clear they didn't care, HR grew even more pissed off and my managers were totally shit to me, suggesting that my reports were no longer anonymous. (That's illegal, as I should have been protected as a whistle blower) It became such a hostile, dangerous environment I couldn't go back. And all because I wanted them to follow the rules. And now I probably will not have any income due to unemployment fucking me over because I just had to do the right thing.

No good deed goes unpunished I guess. I just need the punishment to stop for a while. Jesus. Please.

What the fuck did I do to deserve this constant barrage of suffering?

#Lennon's Life #vent #fuck can't i win #just please universe quit fucking me over #COVID-19 #i just wish i could be an uncaring piece of shit #maybe then my life wouldn't be hell

[lostlonelylotus]

I'm not worth it, I know. I'm sorry to be such a disappointment.

#Lennon's Life

[lostlonelylotus]

Tips for Reading with ADHD

(or without ADHD, if they help regardless)

Physical print:

cover the page with a piece of paper and reveal lines/paragraphs as you read them

use a highlighter to emphasize important/interesting parts

take notes as you go to be physically engaged with the material

Digital media:

copy and paste the text into a doc/word processor

change the font size/style/colour to something more legible

make your own paragraphs and spacing

copy and paste one paragraph at a time to isolate them from the distraction of the rest of the text

install a browser extension like BeeLine Reader or Mercury Reader

zoom in on the page and scroll slowly so you’re revealing lines as you read them

physically cover the screen and reveal lines as you read them

if you do better with physical media, print it out or find a physical copy

Both:

read out loud

pace, move around, or use a fidget while reading

set a timer for 5 minutes and read in small chunks with breaks in between

divide the material into sections and read one section at a time with breaks in between

have another person, audio book, or text-to-speech program read it aloud as you follow along

[lostlonelylotus]

if it’s needed

[lostlonelylotus]

wow

[lostlonelylotus]

[lostlonelylotus]

#Lennon's Life #oh fuck ain't that the truth #i literally pile up pillows because I can't remember what a hug feels like so i just play pretend #i think i might sob if i were to be held #...i think it's been a year and a half since my last hug maybe longer #i don't think humans were meant to live like that

[lostlonelylotus]

#Doctor Who #Classic Who #Brigadier Alastair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart #I LOVE THIS

[lostlonelylotus]

I wish I could write an elegy for my sadness because it has suddenly died.

Elergy for my Sadness by Chen Chen

#The Doctor Blake Mysteries #Charlie Davis #poor Charlie this quote fits his mind state all too well #and the scenes you chose are just impeccable for this #its just like jeez cant someone love him the way he deserves?! #and the way his face contorts right before he pushes ray haunts me #thats 80/20 hurt/anger #the bitter laugh with Bernie where his eyes glow with rage #and that last gif of him pretending to be fine #also your colouring and editing is so flawless here #p e r f e c t

[lostlonelylotus]

#Lennon's Life #thank you #I feel so weak all of the time #what hasn't killed me yet has NOT made me stronger