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nexxussy · 2 years

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alone again - [ hinted ] shin soukoku.

reposting this bs from my ao3 bc i flopped lol anyway its hard angst suffer

my ao3 is kaeyascologne hi its me if ykyk

If hell felt like this, Akutagawa doubted anyone wanted to feel it. It felt as though his body was being engulfed in flames, the smoke entering his lungs - resulting in harsh coughs wracking his frail body. Breathing, no matter how hard it had always been for him, now felt like a luxury. His mind fogged, he wasn't sure how he'd gotten himself into this position. His eyes lidded, now half-open: and yet even the ability to see was a luxury. The light blinded his blurred vision, he could only muster seeing a blurry figure on top of him.

His ears rang, but he could hear a voice - although a muffled one, calling to him. He attempted to speak, only for a weak whimper to come out of his chapped lips. His throat felt ragged, hoarse - almost as if someone took a piece of chalk and smashed it into his throat. The most he could feel in his body was pain, someone wrapping something around his torso - which oozed of a liquid he couldn't make out.

Right as his consciousness faltered, he managed to utter out a single name - a calling, a plead of validation he knew he'd never receive.

Dazai.

The moment he regained consciousness was no more pleasant than the last. At least his past state of delirium managed to numb most of the pain, now - he felt everything. The sheets surrounding his body almost teased him, every part of his body reacted with stinging pain. Yet all that ran through his mind was failure. He failed. He failed Dazai. Mindlessly, his name stumbled out his lips - would he be there when he opened his eyes?

There was no ounce of disappointment when he opened his eyes to an empty room. Perhaps it was the shock factor, or the pain overriding his emotional capacity. Not that he had much of it regardless. There was nothing besides the beep of the heart monitor to keep him company. He swore at times he could hear Dazai's voice echoing in his head, he would replay the moments he failed him - or the one moment he received the smallest amount of validation.

The small click of the door opening resounded with an echo across the room. Akutagawa didn't bother to turn his head, knowing it'd result in pain he'd rather not experience again. Footsteps rushed to the side of his bed, ones he made no effort to acknowledge. It almost seemed as if he were dead, if not for the slow rise and fall of his chest - as well as the beeping of the heart monitor. For a moment, there was no action from the person beside him. Not until he heard a familiar voice call out his name.

"Akutagawa? Are you okay?"

He recognized it, a person that fueled him with an amount of anger he never knew was possible. He isn't Dazai, so he doesn't want him. Or at least, that's how he fooled himself into believing he needed no one but himself to succeed. He knew he was wrong, he knew he was being toxic - but what could be a better way to turn people off than that? A mentally scarred toxic adult with the mindset of a teenager, who seeks the validation of only one person who will never accept him as he is.

"Leave."

His hoarse voice echoed across the walls, he sounded pitiful. He might as well be the textbook definition of pitiful. An idiot he was, lying in a hospital bed - injured by his own fault, and rejecting the emotional support of anyone who wasn't his past mentor. Not even on his deathbed, would he accept the comfort of Dazai's new subordanite. Atsushi, Atsushi - perfect Atsushi. Better than him in any way, he was the person Dazai wanted to mold him into. But he failed him, he was the failed experiment who was eventually discarded into the void of his own helplessness.

"Right, sorry. When you're better, do you want to go to lunch?"

There was a long silence, and yet no answer was provided. With that, he heard the once rushed footsteps slowly back away from his bandaged body. He'd done it again, he'd succeeded in fending away anyone who he cared for. Gin must truly be tired of him, after all, it was she who had received approval from Dazai. The door clicked closed, and once more - he was left to the beep of his heart monitor.

Alone, as it should be. As it's always been.

#akutagawa #bsd #bungo stray dogs #bungo gay dogs #haha im so funny #no im not #anime #my writing #writers on tumblr #gay #hard angst #angst #hurt no comfort #nakajima atsushi #i love them #little gays #no i havent read the manga dont ask #no i dont write x readers #looking at u josh

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