obsessedwithreadingandwriting
Words falling like Raindrops
Sometimes it's a storm and sometimes it's a drought. Some drops are real and some are imaginary.
| 26, she/her, queer, aro-spec |
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"I want you", he said, his gaze slipping and landing on her mouth. "I want you so, so bad."
She smiled. He had no idea how long she'd been waiting for those words, waiting for someone to want her, need her. And yet.. And yet, she shook her head. "Not like this."
He frowned. His eyes searching hers for answers. "What do you mean not like this?"
"Just not like this", she said, stepping away from him while wishing she could step even closer. "You say, you want me, but I am not some shiny toy you can play with whenever you feel like it. I am a price to be won."
A smile tucked at the corner of his lips. He'd always admired her intelligence, her confidence. "And what game do I need to win?"
She shrugged. "It's simple, really. Take me somewhere."
"Like on a date?", he asked, puzzled.
"Hm", she cocked her head to the side. "Yes and no. Take me someplace that is real to you. Important. Show me who you are at your core and if I like what I see you might just have me."
This time a genuine smile spread across his face. "Deal", he said.
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The evening: A short story
Act 1
It started out with drinks. A round for the six of them. Drinks and smiles and laughter. She had fun. She felt at home.
Act 2
Slowly her friends disappeared. Going home to get changed out of the stuffy formal wear. She stayed. Just like him. He smiled, inching closer to her: "So, tell me something."
Act 3
They talked and talked. It was interesting. He was a good conversationalist. Mindful to include her and yet openly giving his own opinion. She didn't once check her phone. Two hours passed.
Act 4
Their friends returned, sitting down at another table. She didn't notice. She wasn't sure he did. They talked more. Twice she caught herself looking at his lips, wondering what they would feel like on hers.
Act 5
Another set of acquaintances arrived, laughing, wanting to share a drink. And even though she liked them, she wanted them gone. He seemed to feel the same, clearly not really listening to their chatter.
Act 5
He brought her home. Or well, to her street corner. A gentleman. They didn't kiss. Even though she was sure he thought about asking for one a second there. But she wouldn't have wanted to. Because for now, it was just a conversation. Tomorrow it may be more.
#spilled words#spilled ink#my writing#spilled thoughts#writers on tumblr#spilled writing#writers#excerpt from my life#spilled prose
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"I never gave a shit about my birthday", the girl insisted. But that wasn't true, it was just that nobody else had ever given a shit about it.
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Reasons why I should stay alive #11
For that giddy feeling when reading a book and slowly realising it's going to be a new favourite.
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Reasons why I should stay alive #10
My one year old nephew grinning at me.
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And me, I keep telling myself, it's okay.
I keep reminding myself, it's probably for the best.
I keep repeating to myself, you're unable to maintain any long-term romantic relationships anyway.
But then I see him smile.
And then I hear him laugh.
And my heart isn't so sure anymore.
#in my delulu era#spilled words#spilled ink#my writing#spilled thoughts#writers on tumblr#spilled writing#excerpt from my life
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And I keep smiling. I keep laughing. But inside I am screaming.
#spilled words#spilled ink#my writing#spilled thoughts#writers on tumblr#spilled writing#excerpt from my life
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And I keep rejecting myself into a corner. Saying no to all those suitors, those potential relationships until there is no one left who will talk to me.
And I keep rejecting myself into loneliness. Saying no to all these men, those walking eracted penises pretending to care for me.
And I keep wishing one just one wouldn't see me as a walking vagina they could potentially put their dicks into.
And I keep wishing some of them would just want to be friends. But none of them do. Because all of them leave as soon as say "not like that".
#spilled words#spilled ink#my writing#spilled thoughts#writers on tumblr#spilled writing#excerpt from my life
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Reasons why I should stay alive #9
Going out to dinner with a friend
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Reasons why I should stay alive #8
The high after a concert
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Reasons why I should stay alive #7
The stupid jokes of my friends
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Reasons why I should stay alive #6
Randomly finding beautiful flowers on a trail.
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Dear me,
I had a great day today. A perfect day, you could say.
Work was fun. I got the chance to listen in to a court hearing, a rare occasion and you know I eat that shit up. After that I got to work in a café, which felt somewhat nostalgic. I used to do that so much back in college but now I never get the chance, so it was something special.
Then I went to a bookstore, picked up a book and rushed through the first fifty pages right then and there.
I went to dinner with a friend rather spontaneously. She agreed immediately when I asked her, said she was excited to see me so soon and so unexpectedly. So I got to go to my favourite burger place and had a nice conversation with her, a person who seems to truly value me.
And to top it all off I went to a concert. Just three hours screaming some of my all-time favourite songs. What a rush that was.
So yeah, dear me, it was a perfect day. But why am I telling you this? Why am I writing this down? Simple answer: because I want to remember. I want to remember the endorphins you felt today. I want you to hold on to them for those days when there are none in sight.
Because, no, not all days are gonna be this perfect. On the contrary there are gonna be days that are hard. You know that as well as I do. So I want you to hold on to the endorphins of today for me. And I want you to remember. Remember that there are perfect days out there and those days are worth living for. Just remember that.
#a letter to myself#excerpt from my life#spilled words#spilled ink#my writing#spilled thoughts#writers on tumblr#spilled writing#spilled prose#writing
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Reasons why I should stay alive #5
The view from the top of a mountain
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Reasons why I should stay alive #4
A good Cappuccino in the afternoon.
#spilled words#spilled ink#my writing#spilled thoughts#writers on tumblr#spilled writing#excerpt from my life
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Today I climbed a mountain.
Because when things look grim it's time for a new perspective.
And what can I say it helped.
From up there, a thousand metres up in the sky, all my problems suddenly seemed small.
All these questions "What am I doing? Where am I going? What is my future?" suddenly seemed irrelevant.
All the repetitive thoughts that had been circulating in my mind were overruled by birdsongs.
No it didn't solve anything.
No my questions aren't answered and the thoughts returned as soon as I got down to the valley.
But it helped.
It was a reminder that everything is about perspective.
And with a new perspective I will find my answers.
One day. Not today, not tomorrow. But one day.
#spilled words#spilled ink#my writing#spilled thoughts#writers on tumblr#spilled writing#excerpt from my life#writers#writing
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Reasons why I should stay alive #3
A good book.
#spilled words#spilled ink#my writing#spilled thoughts#writers on tumblr#spilled writing#excerpt from my life
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