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Have you ever put on a shirt that was a little too tight? BUT you decided to wear it. All day you’re tugging and pulling and just feel completely uncomfortable. Today that’s how I explained my overwhelming anxiety to my therapist.
It’s so hard to explain the feelings when nothing is wrong but in your mind everything is.
Mental health is so real.
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Today My Father sent me a picture of my children playing with the neighborhood kids. And looking at that picture I saw myself and the neighborhood gang I use to run around with.
Those time were so simple. There are times when I wish I could go back to those days when the world seemed much more innocent and kind to the unexposed mind. There was nothing important to worry about, the definition of success was measured by who’s team won man on the run or who could jump from the highest part of the flood wall. Responsibilities were merely washing dishes and taking the trash out.
I miss the joys of being so carefree. Running around bare foot, staying outside until the street lights came on, but always being close enough to hear my name being called to come inside. Pulling the honey out of honeysuckle’s, putting a dandelion under your chin to see if you like butter, playing double Dutch, Simon says, red light green light. Those were the days we had no tension for the future.
Makes me so happy to see my kiddos outside making memories… memories they’ll share for the rest of their lives on the same little dead end road as my childhood.
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But I pray, with everything in me, lord please do not let me fail my children. Give me the guidance and strength I need to always be their safety net. Help me find the time management I need to provide my children with the best emotional support team. I know the last couple of months, they don’t understand. I know their hearts are breaking and I hate like hell I can’t save them from this heartache their going through. I know I have to be strong, I know I have to love them extra hard because I know they are missing Daddy.
For another time….
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Leaving off on that note. I still get angry.. sometimes I wrongfully get angry at him. Or maybe it’s not at him at all, but more at myself. In todays time, it’s hard to survive. I know I’m not the only one. I use to be able to afford rent, water, electric, gas, phone bills and cable bill. During Christmas/Birthday’s I was always able to pull something out of my ass, which always lead to debt.. but I didn’t drive. I didn’t pay for gas, I didn’t have a car, car payment or insurance and let’s not mention all the debt.. Now I live in a paid for home. *My Children’s Father* his name is the only name on the deed. Which was another one of my stupid screws up, where I don’t know who to be angry at, him or myself. BUT finally before I turned 30, I finally got my damn drivers licenses that everyone hounded me about. But what do you know, just because I’m not paying rent, I’m now paying, car payment, insurance, gas and whatever else seems to come with owning a car and the upkeep. Sheesh. But I always, always mange.
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I’m 30… single, struggling, parent with three children, who have the sweetest souls. I know my children deserve the absolute world, scratch that, universe. It crushed my heart knowing I will not be able to protect them from all the cruel in the world, all of life’s challenges. It took me so long to realize I haven’t failed them by not having their parents living together. I mean, I never went through that, how was I suppose to help my kids? It was a rough road, I won’t lie about that. The hardest part through my journey was watching, “my family”, include someone else. This wasn’t me being jealous, this was me coping with heartbreak I’ve never experienced in my life. This was a learning process. But at the end of the day, my children were happy and their father was happy as well. And seriously what more could I ask for? My kids still had their dad. Just because I wasn’t his happiness and he wasn’t mine, doesn’t mean he doesn’t deserve happiness. He’s a lot of things, but the main thing, he’s a good dad.
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When I got pregnant.. I absolutely knew I was not ready to be a Mother. Did My Mom teach me enough? Would it come naturally? These are the questions I asked myself, a lot. I knew I wanted a different life style, I knew some of the things I would change. But one thing I never thought would change was having, “Mom and Dad” under the same roof. Of course it’s not uncommon, but I never experienced something like that. And what do you know… something life doesn’t prepare you for. Something life can’t prepare you for. It comes with so many twists and turns someone wouldn’t even imagine.
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I always imagined raising my children completely different than how I was raised. Now don’t get me wrong, hear me out. I could’ve had it a lot worse and I’m fully aware of that. 31 years later, my parents are still married, still living together and completely happy. But as a child, I got away with a lot. I didn’t exactly hate it when I got older.. but after many years of soul searching I realized how much it actually bothered me, as an adult. I lacked a safety net. I was missing the love and guidance from the two most responsible. And looking back, not sure why I took so long to understand.. alcohol. Alcohol is what took that guidance, that love and most of my self worth.
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Almost 3 months ago something occurred that has totally knocked my ass on the ground. During this, I don’t know, aftershock phase, I’m still trying to stand up.
Today is the day I had a real eye opener. Despite the shitty hand I’ve been delt, I will keep playing. But first, I must master the “poker face”.
I’ve always had a huge heart, I’ve always worried myself to death about what someone thought of me, or if and why someone would be mad. I thought that was something I’d grow out of.. especially after high school. Now I realize what exactly it was that I lacked. Self confidence. I’m able to love hard, however I can not receive love. I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s this, “poker game” I believe everyone is playing. Are they bluffing? Will they fold? Or is there actually someone that will go all in?
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Stay tuned for the most massive brain dump! There are definitely somethings I’m dying to get off my mind. Talking about it just doesn’t seem to help. If only someone could point me in the right direction.
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Late 20’s-Early 30’s is such a weird time in life. Some friends and classmates start getting married, having children and just in general starting their own life. They’re often too busy to hangout and let’s face it sometimes it’s hard to even plan a get together. That’s when I realized, time really does go by so fast. In between work, raising children and making sure they have what they want and need, then on top of that you have school, homework and transportation to and from extra curricular activities. When I do, “catch a break”, I like to spend it alone. Gathering my thoughts, running an errand I nearly forgot about or just taking a minute to catch a nap. Do not feel guilty for putting yourself first. Do not feel guilty.
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Day 5
I spent the day off social media, well actually my phone all together. I was off work & I took the day to solely spend quality time with my children. We had an awesome day as well. We all prepared a huge breakfast, wrote in our journals, had a scavenger hunt, colored pictures and tons more exciting things.
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Day 4
Journal your feelings ✨
#mental health#mental health matters#positive mental attitude#positivemindset#challenge#momlife#self care#self care challenge#affirmations#support
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Day 3
Watch a movie, you love. Since it is October… I decided to watch the original Hocus Pocus & the new one with my children 💕
#mental health#mental health matters#positive mental attitude#positivemindset#support#challenge#momlife#self care#self care challenge
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Day 2
Virtual doodle
#mental health#mental health matters#positive mental attitude#positivemindset#support#self care challenge#challenge#work on yourself#be yourself#biggest fan#self care
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Stop the cruel inner voice inside your head. Feed your mind with POSITIVE.
You are enough
You are loved
You are trying your best
You will get through the day
There is happiness in every day
FIND IT!
#mental health#positive mental attitude#positivemindset#support#mental health matters#you are powerful#be your own best friend
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It’s hard to believe how vivid this story still is to me. When I was in 2nd grade, I was horrified. I didn’t have parents that sat down and tried to “make” me learn. I had the “fun” parents, the “go play outside” parents. When we began reading out loud to the class.. my stomach felt so uneasy like wasps making a nest. Some people call it butterflies, but this wasn’t pretty, this wasn’t beautiful. This was pain. I remember sitting in class, pinching myself, reading ahead to make sure I knew the words. Nearly in tears when I realized it almost looked foreign to me. My daughter is now in 2nd grade and I pray she never has to feel this.
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