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My Blessed Son—Chapter 19

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Summary:

For years, Jack Marston dreamed of killing Edgar Ross, the man who had taken everything from him, who had ruined his life. His obsession with revenge had given him a reason to keep going. But now, after it was done, he was left lost, depressed and without purpose. He was left to navigate life alone with the unforgiving eyes of the law slowly narrowing in on him. Though he soon comes to realize that perhaps he isn’t quite as alone as he thought he would be. A continuation from the end of Red Dead Redemption 1.

Word count: ~10.3k

Quick warning: this chapter touches pretty heavily on Jack’s trauma & grief, so if you’re sensitive to those things, please tread lightly and take care of yourself. <3

Chapter under the cut <3

Jack bounced his leg up and down, rhythmically shaking the dining room chair he was sitting in, no doubt scuffing up the wooden floor underneath him. His mother always hated when he’d do that, and he could hear the ghost of her voice in his head scolding him for it. The thought made his knee still, and he took to tapping his foot instead.

He was leaning forward against the table, his elbows propped up as his fingers fiddled with the little bracelet of flowers Lilly had given him a few days prior. Gently, as if it were the most valuable yet fragile thing in the world, he turned it in his hands, running his thumb along one of the tiny, wilted petals.

It had definitely seen better days, and as he examined it, he wished he had kept it somewhere safer— somewhere more conducive to its preservation than the cold, hard wood of his bedside table. The color of the flowers had dulled, and the edges of the leaves along the stem were turning brown and crunchy.

But despite the thing’s rapid deterioration, Jack couldn’t bring himself to throw it out. Lilly had given it to him, and he loved her.

He loved her.

Ever since that night by the chicken coop, that thought had been replaying in his head nonstop. It was hard to focus on anything else. And he had no idea what to do about it. He didn’t know how to talk to Lilly normally anymore, how to look her in the eye when his heart stampeded in his chest every time he saw her.

He hoped she hadn’t noticed his change in demeanor, and if she did, he hoped that she wouldn’t ask about it. Because what would he say? How could he possibly begin to tell her how he felt when he hardly understood it himself?

He had no experience with this kind of thing— he couldn’t even form a friendship with anyone growing up, let alone anything more than that. And beyond the cheesy romances he’d read in his books, he had nothing to draw on for guidance and no one to ask for help.

Well, maybe not nothing. Uncle— completely unprompted— had told him plenty of things. Things that would’ve gotten the old man skinned alive if Jack’s mother had overheard them. Things that should never be repeated, much less applied to his relationship with Lilly. She didn’t deserve to be thought of in that way. No one did. So none of that was of any use. In fact, Jack was sure he’d be better off never having heard it at all.

His parents were gone, and even when they were still around, they had never broached the subject with him. Maybe because he’d never brought it up, they assumed he didn’t have any interest in it.

And in a way, they’d be right. Before now— before he met Lilly— falling in love was never something he thought much about, and in the rare instances it did cross his mind, he’d always concluded that it would never happen to him. Love was for other people; it was for the characters in his books. Not for him. He wasn’t the type.

At least, he thought he wasn’t….

The sound of the back door swinging open startled him back to the present, and he closed his fist around the flowers in his hand, grimacing as he felt a leaf crunch against his palm. He tried to collect himself and act natural as Lilly entered the room, but the way his heart jumped when he saw her didn’t make it easy.

She came to the table, a spring in her step and a bright grin plastered across her face, threatening to melt his heart entirely. “You’ll never guess what I found,” she said, slapping her palms down on the table. Before he could even attempt a guess, she continued, “I found Chickpea.”

Chickpea— the name of one of the hens that went missing after the coyote attack. “Really?” He slid the fist clutching the flowers off the table, slowly so as not to draw attention, and rested it in his lap.

Lilly nodded. “She was hidin’ out in the barn— God knows how she got in there. She’s really shaken up and has a big chunk of feathers missing, but she’s still alive.”

“Oh,” he said, the mere mention of the barn making his stomach turn. Of course the chicken was in there. The one place he’d never dare to check. Swallowing his unease, he forced a smile. “That’s good.”

“Yeah. That means we only lost two of ‘em— less than half.” She put her hands on her hips, and her grin widened. “Things are back to looking up again. I can feel it.”

“I hope so.”

“I know so,” she countered, pulling out a chair on the opposite side of the table and sitting down. “The place is looking great; there’s barely anything left we have to fix up…”

Jack’s smile became a bit more genuine as she carried on, speaking about all they’d accomplished around the ranch. Her unwavering optimism was infectious, whether he considered it to be realistic or not.

As she moved on to talk about the work they still had left to do, Jack felt himself getting lost in his head again, his subconscious only picking up small bits and pieces of what she was saying. His eyes drifted down to her lips, to the dimples that graced her cheeks as she smiled, to the missing button near the top of her shirt and the small sliver of skin that showed through the gap it left.

What if he told her how he felt right now?— just blurted it out right here in the middle of her rambling. How would she react? What would she say? Would she think he’s some kind of creep or would she feel the same way? She had to be here with him for a reason, right? And that reason had always been a mystery to him. For a moment, he dared to think that it might be because she did feel the same.

But as always, the cynical part of his brain had to chime in to crush that idea. It told him that she may only be putting up with him to keep a roof over her head. Back when he invited her to the ranch, she was practically destitute; she was days away from being forced to be one of the saloon or hotel’s working girls. Maybe she’d just decided that staying with Jack was the lesser evil.

Although, if that were the case, it wouldn’t make much sense for her to stick around through all the trouble with the bureau. Surely, she would’ve left by now….

Jack was pulled out of his thoughts when he noticed that Lilly had suddenly stopped talking. He refocused on her face, his heart sinking to his stomach when she looked back at him expectantly, as if she’d asked him a question.

He swallowed hard and glanced off to the side, his mind racing to come up with some generic answer. He couldn’t admit that he hadn’t been listening to her; she’d think he was an asshole, or worse, she’d ask what exactly it was that had him so distracted.

As the seconds ticked by without a word from him, she asked, “Does that sound good?”

Some of his panic faded. She’d thrown him a lifeline: a simple yes or no question. But did what sound good? What had she been talking about before he zoned out? Something about the ranch, something about cleaning….

“Jack?” she prodded gently.

“Uh, yeah,” he blurted out. “Sure. That sounds fine.”

She eyed him for a moment, an inquisitive look on her face. “Okay. Great,” she said, though she didn’t sound all too convinced. Jack avoided eye contact with her, glancing up only long enough to see her smile return. “Well, I’ll meet you outside then.”

Jack gave a nod of agreement, and Lilly stood up, abandoning the table to go back out the back door. He watched her as she left, holding his breath and only releasing it once he heard the door shut behind her.

He slouched in his chair and loosened his grip on the flowers in his fist. As he lifted his palm to assess the damage done to the petals, a strange sense of dread crept over him. What did he just agree to?

He tried to shove the feeling away, reasoning that it couldn’t have been anything bad. It was likely just some tedious chore she needed his help with— something heavy she couldn’t lift or a rooster she couldn’t get to behave. But despite his attempts to reassure himself, he couldn’t shake his unease, not until he found out for sure what he’d signed up for. And there was only one way to do that.

Jack scooted away from the table, internally apologizing to his mother as the chair scratched against the floor again, and stood up. He stopped by his bedroom first, where he set the bracelet of flowers on his desk and placed a book on top of it to keep it safe. Then, he made his way outside.

As he exited the house, he scanned the area in search of Lilly, and when he spotted her standing by the barn, his blood ran cold. The dread he’d been feeling intensified, hitting him with enough force to stop him in his tracks.

She wanted to start cleaning out the barn, didn’t she? He should’ve known. God, how stupid was he? Of course that’s what she was talking about— it was the last big thing they needed to do to fix up the ranch.

She locked eyes with him and waved him over, the most blissfully ignorant smile plastered across her face. After a brief hesitation, he continued towards her, dragging his feet. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe they were just going to meet there and then go off and do something else. Please, God, tell him he was wrong.

Keeping his eyes trained on Lilly, he held his breath as he stepped into the big shadow cast by the barn. Any hope he had that she was planning to do something else was dashed when she faced the barn, surveying it with her hands on her hips. He stopped beside her, locking his knees to keep them from shaking.

She glanced over at him, still smiling. “Once we get this done, maybe we can get a cow,” she said, clapping her hands together in delight. “I don’t know how much they cost, but I’m sure we could scrape it together.”

“Maybe,” he replied morosely.

His tone caused her smile to falter, and she turned to him, her brows furrowing in concern. “Everything okay?”

He shifted on his feet. No. No, it’s not. Tell her it’s not. She knew that his father had been shot in front of the barn; he had told her. She should understand.

But she didn’t know that meant he was so afraid of the place. Because who would be? Who would be afraid of something so ridiculous— something so obviously harmless? His mother had never had a problem going in there. Why should he?

Shaking his head to quiet his quarreling thoughts, he answered, “Yeah. Just… not lookin’ forward to the smell.”

She chuckled. “Well, the sooner we get things cleaned up, the sooner we won’t have to deal with that anymore.”

“Right….”

With a shrug, she approached the barn and pushed open one of the swinging doors, poking her head inside then immediately drawing back. “Man, you weren’t kidding,” she said, her hand flying to her nose to cover the stench. She opened the door further, letting out a heavy sigh as she stepped into the doorway and looked around. “We really saved the biggest task for last, huh?”

“You’re tellin’ me,” Jack murmured.

He glanced up at the ridge overlooking the ranch, part of him hoping to see those couple of bureau agents standing there again— that could’ve given him a last-ditch excuse to get out of working on the barn. But of course, he wasn’t that lucky; there was nobody up there that day.

Lilly slipped the rest of the way inside, keeping a hand on the door to hold it open for him. He stared past her into the barn, his heart racing so hard he feared it would burst. It’s fine, he told himself. It’ll be fine. He needed to suck it up. It was just a barn; there wasn’t anything in there that could hurt him. There wasn’t anything in there scarier than having to admit how afraid he was of something so innocuous.

So despite every muscle in his body screaming at him to stop, he dragged his feet forward and followed her inside.

The door swung shut behind him, and he froze in place as he was enveloped in the dark abyss of the barn. For a moment, nothing happened, and he took a couple of steps forward, peering around and taking in his surroundings.

Then, slowly, they crept in. All of the memories of the hell that had unleashed around that barn. All of the feelings, the sensations, the things he pushed away into the darkest corners of his mind, hoping they would get lost there. The images of his father lying dead on the ground outside, his mother’s heart-shattering wails, the blood left on his hands after they’d dragged his body into the barn. He could still feel it on his skin, slowly rolling down his fingertips and dripping into the dirt. He wiped his hands on his shirt, trying to make the feeling go away, but it was persistent.

The distant sound of Lilly’s voice calling his name pulled him out of his stupor. She stepped into his line of sight and waved a hand in front of his face. He blinked at her, unable to speak as his heart pounded in his throat.

His eyes darted around frantically, and it felt like the walls were starting to close in on him. His limbs shook, and he couldn’t remember how to breathe; it felt like all the air had been sucked out of the building. A single thought ran through his head on repeat: Get. Out.

Regaining control of his feet, he stumbled backwards into the doors, slamming them open and launching himself onto the ground outside. The impact pushed all of the air from his lungs, and he gasped as he scrambled to his knees. He looked up to see a blurry image of Lilly rushing out of the barn after him.

“What happened!?” she asked, standing to the side as he crawled over to a hitching post and pulled himself back up to his feet.

“I can’t,” he stammered in between labored breaths, slumping over the post. “I can’t go in there.”

His stomach turned, and Lilly watched with a horrified look on her face as he let out a series of dry-heaves. Once the heaving stopped, he tightened his grip on the hitching post and groaned.

“O-Okay, that’s fine,” she said, waving her hands. “You don’t have to. I can do it myself. Don’t worry—”

“No!” Jack snapped, growing angry with himself. This was ridiculous; he was being ridiculous. He shouldn’t be acting this way; there was no reason for this. “You can’t just do everything by yourself. You shouldn’t have to!”

“Okay, um… do you wanna sit outside the door then?” she suggested, her voice starting to waver. “Or… or maybe we don’t need to do it at all. We can—”

“No, just— just stop!” he shouted over her, making the mistake of looking her in the eyes as he did so. The startled, almost fearful, look on her face gave him pause, causing a deep shame to settle in the pit of his stomach. He tore his eyes away; he couldn’t bear to keep looking at her. All he wanted was to run away and find somewhere to hide.

So that’s what he chose to do. He released his grasp on the post and began rushing towards the house.

“Jack!” Lilly called, chasing after him. “Hey!”

He turned around and put his palms up, shaking violently. “Just leave me alone, okay? I don’t—” I don’t wanna scare you away for good. I don’t wanna make you hate me. Tears brimmed his eyes, and he blinked them away. “I need a minute.”

Before she could say anything else, he took off running to the house, craving the safety and solitude of his bedroom. When he got there, he slammed the door behind him and sat down hard on his bed, still unable to stop his shaking. He squeezed his eyes shut and dug his nails into the mattress, trying to focus on taking deep breaths as he rode out the panic wracking his body.

———

He didn’t know how long it lasted, but when the anxiety finally began to fade, an overwhelming sense of grief crept in to take its place. It was just as strong as the night after his father was buried— when Jack lay in bed, staring at the ceiling while it sank in that he was really gone. He wasn’t going to wake up in the morning and find out that it was all a terrible nightmare. He wasn’t ever going to see him again. He would never have the chance to say all the things he’d left unspoken.

Jack stared blankly ahead as the feeling festered, not moving until there was a light knock at the door. As he turned to face it, the door opened a crack, and Lilly poked her head inside. He made eye contact with her for half a second before putting his head down, another rush of shame and embarrassment washing over him.

The door creaked open further, and Lilly, her voice soft as ever, asked, “Can I come in?”

Without looking up, he responded with a silent nod.

She slipped inside, her footsteps barely audible as she crossed the room to sit down on the bed beside him. They sat there quietly for a moment, Jack keeping his eyes glued to the floor and Lilly twiddling her thumbs.

The silence was broken when she gently asked, “Do you… wanna tell me what happened?”

His brow knitted together, and his cheeks burned as he recalled how ridiculously he had behaved. Unable— or unwilling— to explain himself, he buried his head in his hands and blurted out, “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” she said, placing a hand between his shoulder blades, slowly trailing it up his back in a soothing motion. “I just… wanna understand.”

Resting his fists on his cheeks, he stared at the floor for a few seconds longer before gathering the courage to look at her. On her face, he didn’t find any of the judgment he feared he would. Instead, her eyes were filled with sadness and a hint of remorse that broke his heart.

He lowered his head again. “My pa got shot in front of the barn.” He left it at that, knowing if he offered any more details about the event, he’d only set himself off again. “And now, every time I go in there…” He trailed off; it felt like there were no words to truly describe what happened in that barn— what he felt in there. It was like he still had one foot in the past. Like some part of his soul had broken off the day his father died and gotten stuck there, and the second he stepped into that barn, it reattached itself.

He sighed and shook his head. “I don’t know. It’s… all I can think about, and it almost feels like I’m right back there. And I know I’m not, but…” He clenched his fists when he felt himself beginning to shake again. “I can’t handle it.”

“So… that’s happened before?” Lilly asked.

“Yeah. A few times.”

She nodded and went quiet again, continuing to softly rub his back.

Quickly growing uncomfortable with the silence, he muttered, “I’m sorry. I know I overreacted. I know I was being—”

“Stop.” Her hand left his back, and she wrapped her arm around him, hugging him tightly. “You didn’t do anything wrong; you can’t control the way things make you feel. None of that was your fault. You know that, right?”

He didn’t answer; he knew she wouldn’t like the answer.

“Jack….” She squeezed him tighter.

He clenched his jaw. “I was bein’ weak.”

“You weren’t,” she said, her voice remaining soft but gaining a hint of defiance. “If that was true… you wouldn’t have gone in there at all.” She tapped the side of his chin to get him to look at her. “You said that’s happened before. So you knew you wouldn’t like it in there, but you went in anyway. What part of that is weak?”

Jack scoffed and looked away. She said that as if he’d forced himself to go in there for some great, noble purpose. As if the whole thing hadn’t just been a miserably failed attempt at saving himself a little embarrassment.

She grabbed one of his hands, and he widened his eyes at her. “I think you’re a lot stronger than you realize, Jack,” she said. “And this doesn’t change that.”

He pulled his hand from her grasp and lowered his head. “It sure don’t feel that way.”

“Well,” she sighed, resting her palms on her knees, “I think things rarely feel the way they really are.”

Jack couldn’t come up with a response to that, so they fell back into silence. He truly did appreciate her for being there— for sitting and talking with him and trying to help. But as much as he wanted to, he couldn’t see it the way she did, and he didn’t feel like arguing any further.

Without the conversation to distract him, he became painfully aware of how exhausted his episode had left him. Not to mention that lingering grief still festering deep in the pit of his stomach. Groaning, he stretched his legs out and rubbed his eyes.

Lilly eyed him. “Are you feelin’ alright now? Is there anything I can do or get for you?”

“I don’t know,” he mumbled, massaging his forehead. “I’m exhausted. I kinda just wanna go back to bed.”

“Okay, that’s fine. Here.” She stood up and walked over to the window, pulling the sheer curtains shut. They didn’t do much to block out the light, but he appreciated the gesture nonetheless.

She gave him a reassuring smile, and he tried to muster one up in return, hoping she could see the unspoken gratitude behind it. When she started heading for the door, he felt a pang of disappointment. Although he was tired and not in the mood to talk, he didn’t want her to leave. He missed the warmth of her sitting beside him.

“Wait,” he croaked.

She stopped in front of the door and looked over her shoulder at him, and when her eyes met his, the little bit of nerve he had left crumbled. He wasn’t sure what he was planning on saying anyway. He couldn’t very well ask her to stay and watch him sleep. He’d embarrassed himself enough for one day, and the awkwardness of that would make him vaporize.

“Uh, n-nevermind,” he said.

She turned to fully face him. “What?”

“Nothing,” he said, his heart rate kicking up again. “It wasn’t important. You can go.”

Lilly tucked a stray hair behind her ear, and for a moment, she seemed disappointed. “Okay, well… if you change your mind— if you decide you need somethin’— lemme know,” she said, giving him another smile. “I’m always around.”

The reminder that she wasn’t going anywhere tugged at his heart, making it beat even faster. He sucked in his lips and gave a nod in response. With that, she left the room, gently shutting the door behind her.

He sighed and flopped back in his bed, shoving the heels of his palms against his eyes and hoping that sleep would take him soon.

———

Jack tossed and turned for ages, but as hard as he tried, he couldn’t shut his mind off. Every time he closed his eyes, he was assaulted with gruesome images of his father, and he couldn’t shake the grief that kept gnawing at his aching chest. Eventually, he gave up and crawled out of bed.

Half-dazed from his exhaustion, he wandered back outside, keeping his head down to avoid catching sight of the barn. He didn’t know where Lilly had run off to, but he supposed it didn’t matter. He didn’t want to bother her any more.

For a few minutes, he meandered around the porch, hoping the fresh autumn air would help clear his mind. But when it didn’t, he strayed farther from the house, letting his feet take control and decide where to lead him.

He ended up at the bottom of the hill that led up to his family’s gravesite, and he stopped and stared up at the three wooden crosses looming over him. He hadn’t been up there since the day he buried his mother. And before then, he only visited his father’s grave a couple of times, never staying longer than a few minutes. Sticking around any longer had been too painful.

Still, he should’ve gone up there more often to tend to the graves, and that thought caused a pang of guilt to shoot through his chest. He pushed himself forward, slowly making his way up to the cliffside.

He approached the three graves at the top and stood a few feet away from them, his arms hanging loosely at his sides. Seeing the state of them— especially of his father’s— intensified his guilt. He took a step closer to his father’s grave, examining the makeshift wooden cross that bore his name. The wood was weathered and had split in multiple places from the water damage it had endured, making it difficult to read what was inscribed on it. Additionally, the mound of dirt was covered in unsightly weeds, most of which were concentrated around the base of the cross.

He glanced over at his mother’s marker, which was in better shape but still already showing some of the same signs of decay. And Uncle’s was no better than his father’s.

It tore Jack apart. He wished he had the money to give them something better. They deserved better. They deserved to have one of those nice, carved stones like the ones in the cemetery in Blackwater, and they deserved to have a son who actually took the time to pull up the weeds around their graves.

His breath caught, and he knelt down in front of his father’s grave.

After a moment, he whispered, “I’m sorry.”

The words were so simple, yet he meant them more than anything he had ever said before. They were behind almost everything he did. They were the reason he refused to leave the ranch behind, the reason he threw his revolver in the lake, the reason he now shunned the whiskey he so desperately craved. Yet none of that felt like enough, and the guilt that burned inside him threatened to swallow him whole.

He clenched his fists, digging his nails into his palms until it hurt. “I’m sorry,” he repeated, a bit louder.

Jack hoped that somewhere, somehow, his father could hear him. He hoped he knew how sorry he was for never coming up there and for always pushing him away when he was still around. And more importantly, how sorry he was for how far he’d fallen after his father’s death. For how he’d broken what was left of his mother’s heart in his quest for revenge and how he’d let the ranch his father built for them go to shit.

Jack hoped he knew he’d take it all back if he could.

A couple of silent tears rolled down his cheek, and he wiped them on the shoulder of his sleeve. But when they continued to come, he didn’t make any effort to stop them. He allowed the full force of his grief and his guilt to spill down his face unrestrained.

Gritting his teeth, he hunched forward onto his hands and knees and dug his fists into the ground, tightening them around the clumps of weeds at the base of the grave marker. With a gruff sob, he tore them out of the earth and threw them to the side. Then, again and again, he went back for more fistfuls, determined to uproot every last one.

When he finished with his father’s grave, he moved on to his mother’s, and then to Uncle’s, ripping up every weed in sight until his hands were red and raw. All the while, the tears never stopped rolling down his cheeks.

When the graves were free of weeds, he dragged himself underneath a nearby tree, panting and sweating from his efforts. His throat ached, and his chest was burning, yet strangely, the whole ordeal left him feeling lighter than he had in years.

He wiped the streaks of tears off his cheeks and closed his eyes, taking in the fresh air and the feeling of the breeze against his skin. As his heart rate returned to normal, exhaustion settled in again. He stretched his legs out, leaned his head back against the tree, and tugged his hat down over his eyes.

Within minutes, he finally drifted off to sleep.

The air was warmer when Jack awoke, and his skin tingled from the streaks of sunlight shining through the tree’s branches. He stretched and lifted the brim of his hat, squinting as his eyes adjusted to the light. Glancing up at the sky, he noted the position of the sun and concluded that it was now around the middle of the afternoon. He sat there for a moment longer, waiting for his lingering sleepiness to wear off before standing up.

As he got back to his feet, he brushed the dirt off his jeans and smoothed out the wrinkles in his shirt. Then, resolving to clean up the remains of the weeds he’d uprooted later, he passed by his family’s graves and approached the edge of the cliff to take a look around.

From that angle, he could see the entirety of the ranch, and he was struck by how much it had changed over the past few months. Most of the tall patches of grass and weeds that once littered the place had been trimmed down. The fence surrounding the property was free of holes. And the chicken coop, even despite the coyote attack, was bustling with life again.

It looked a lot more like it had a few years ago.

His eyes landed on the once-overgrown gazebo, where he found Lilly sitting and reading a book. As he watched her, her words echoed in his head: You’re a lot stronger than you realize. Maybe she was right. And maybe the proof of that was right in front of him.

Coming back to the ranch was one of the hardest things he’d ever done, but he did it anyway. And in that moment, as he stared down at the fruits of all his hard work, he felt that it had paid off. He felt that his parents would have been proud of him. Despite all the setbacks he had faced— and was still facing— he had managed to do something right.

But his pride faltered a bit when he looked at the barn, remembering the mess that was still inside. He’d made a lot of progress on the ranch, but he wasn’t quite finished yet. And he didn’t want to give up now.

Taking in a shaky breath, Jack lifted his chin and stepped away from the ledge. Then, with a final sorrowful yet determined glance at his family’s graves, he made his way over to the gazebo. As he approached, Lilly looked up from her book and then closed it, setting it in her lap and folding her hands on top of it. He stopped at the bottom of the stairs and stared at her as he tried to come up with what to say.

She gave him a gentle smile. “Hi.”

“Hey,” he greeted her back, scratching at the dirt with his boot. “I— I’ll sit outside the door.” He nodded towards the barn. “If that’s… still an option.”

Her eyes lit up, and the warmth in her gaze made his chest stir. “Of course it is.”

She set her book down on the table and stood up, brushing off her skirt as she stepped out of the gazebo to join him. She put her hand on his shoulder, and without a second thought, he grabbed her and pulled her into a tight hug.

After a sharp inhale of surprise, she wrapped her arms around him.

“Thank you,” he murmured into her hair. “I’m glad you’re here. I…” He trailed off, only able to finish the sentence in his head: I love you.

Lilly squeezed him then pulled away to give him another sweet smile. “Don’t mention it.”

———

They spent the next couple of days cleaning out the barn, taking it little by little so it was easier for Jack to cope with. Well, Lilly was the one doing the majority of the cleaning. He mostly stood in the doorway, watching and chatting with her to keep his mind from wandering. Occasionally, in an effort to make himself feel somewhat useful, he’d pick up a pitchfork and try to help clean the area within its reach, but he still couldn’t bring himself to go inside.

And despite Lilly’s insistence that he shouldn’t, he felt guilty for it. Cleaning out the barn wasn’t a pleasant task nor an easy one, and it wasn’t fair that she had to do it on her own. He was the one who let the place fall into such a state of disarray; it was his responsibility to fix it.

So on the third day, he woke up determined to do a bit more.

It was especially chilly outside that morning, and as he made his way to the barn, his feet crunched against the frosty morning dew that coated the grass. Lilly was already over there waiting for him, leaning against the doorframe with her arms wrapped around herself and her face pointed up to the sky. As he got closer, he saw that her eyes were closed, and she didn’t appear to notice his arrival, even when he stopped just a couple of feet away from her.

He stood there awkwardly, waiting for her to realize he was there, but when she didn’t move, he quietly said, “Hey.”

Lilly opened her eyes and turned to him, a bit startled. She blinked a few times before giving him a small smile. “Hey, there you are.”

“Here I am,” he said. “You alright?”

Shaking her head, she replied, “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.” She chuckled and pushed herself away from the wall, standing up straight. “Coffee just hasn’t quite kicked in yet.”

Jack responded with a short, polite laugh, but as he looked into her eyes, he felt a small pang in his chest. She looked exhausted, sporting the dark under-eye circles that he often saw on her when she was staying in Blackwater. Up until that point, she seemed to be doing better at Beecher’s Hope, but now, he feared that all the stress of the past week may be getting to her.

“We can start later if you wanna go get some rest,” he said.

“No, that’s not necessary,” she said, waving him off. “I’ll survive.” Before he had any chance to object, she nodded at the barn’s swinging doors and motioned for him to help her prop them open. “No use putting it off.”

He stood in place for a moment longer, watching her with a faint look of concern as she turned her back on him and pulled one of the doors open. Then, choosing to let the issue rest for now, he joined her and propped open the other door with an old sack of corn.

With the doors open, Lilly gave him another smile before strolling inside. Jack lingered in the doorway, feet rooted to the dirt as he mustered up the courage to follow her in.

Taking a deep breath and holding it in, he dragged one foot past the threshold into the barn. Then, with a brief hesitation, the other followed, and he found himself standing inside. His knees shook as he peered around, spotting Lilly in the corner of one of the stalls, her back turned to him as she surveyed the mess on the floor. He moved stiffly towards her, drawn to her like a moth to a lone light in the darkness.

When she turned around and saw him standing right behind her, she widened her eyes and let out a quiet, incredulous laugh. “What are you doing?”

He released his breath, trying to ignore how hard his heart was thumping in his chest. “Uh, helping?”

An affectionate gleam appeared in her eyes, making his heart pound harder. “It’s fine, Jack. I can do it.” Her voice was soft. “You don’t have to—”

“I know. I want to.”

That was a lie. He didn’t want to be in there; he didn’t hate it any less than he did before. Being within those four walls still caused an unshakable sense of dread to churn in his stomach; it still made it hard to breathe. But he needed to.

Swallowing the lump forming in his throat, he added, “Just for a bit.”

Lilly studied him for a moment, her reluctance clear on her face. But despite her concern, she nodded and patted him on the arm, quietly repeating, “Just for a bit.”

With that, she grabbed a pitchfork that was leaning against the wall and handed it to him. Jack took it with shaky hands and held it tightly, staring at her expectantly as he waited for her to explain what they were doing.

“I wanted to finish cleaning out this stall today,” she said, putting her hands on her hips and smiling at him. “With the two of us, it shouldn’t take too long.”

Jack agreed, and they got to work immediately. He stayed quiet the entire time, focusing intently on the task at hand and being careful not to let his eyes wander too much. Lilly filled the silence, talking to him about anything she could think of, and while he didn’t respond, he hung onto every word she said like it was the only thing keeping him on Earth.

She told him a couple short stories about her travels before she came to Blackwater— about how Chicago was the worst city she’d ever been to and how lovely the train ride through Ambarino had been. Then, when she got bored of that, she let him in on some of the scandalous secrets she’d overheard while playing piano at the dinner parties of Blackwater’s elite. And given what she told him, Jack wondered why those people thought they had any right to gossip about her and him.

Despite the distractions, his discomfort continued to grow the longer he stayed in the barn, and it became increasingly difficult to keep himself grounded. But luckily, just as Lilly had said, it didn’t take long until the stall was clean and all of the debris they’d cleared was loaded up into a wheelbarrow.

He wasted no time in getting out of the barn, taking a slow deep breath of fresh air the moment he stepped outside. Lilly followed behind him with the wheelbarrow. As she pushed it off to the side and removed the doorstops keeping the barn doors open, Jack leaned against the hitching post and lit up a cigarette.

He shakily brought it to his lips, closed his eyes, and took a long drag of it, relishing in the comfort it brought him. When he heard Lilly return to his side, he let out a puff of smoke and opened his eyes.

“You okay?” she asked, leaning against the post beside him.

“Yeah,” he said, his voice wavering slightly. “But… I think I’ve had enough for a while.” He raised the cigarette again. “A long while.”

“Okay.” She crossed her arms and nodded. “I think the coop’s about due for a good cleanin’ anyway; we can work on that instead.” She eyed him for a moment, a soft smile on her face. “You did well today.”

Jack let out a chuckle along with another cloud of smoke. “Thanks. I wasn’t sure I’d… um…” He trailed off as his ears caught a distant whirring and sputtering sound coming from the east.

Looking in the direction of the sound, he spotted a shiny black motor car coming up the road from Blackwater, half hidden by a hill. He furrowed his brows at it.

“Huh,” Lilly said. “There’s somethin’ you don’t see around here every day.”

Not taking his eyes off the car, he murmured, “No, you don’t….”

An ominous feeling settled into his gut. He couldn’t remember the last time he saw a car this far out from Blackwater. The dirt roads around the plains weren’t made for them. And even within the city, they were a rare sight and were usually only seen being driven by those who worked for the government.

The car disappeared behind the hill, reappearing moments later near the entrance to Beecher’s Hope. Jack held his breath, praying it would pass and continue up the road to Tall Trees. His heart lurched when instead, it began slowing down and turned in to the ranch.

Lilly took a few steps forward. “The hell?”

Jack extended his arm out to keep her back.

“What are they comin’ here for?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” he said, his breathing becoming more ragged. He threw his cigarette on the ground and grabbed Lilly by the wrist. “And I don’t wanna.”

He pulled her around the side of the barn and out of sight of the vehicle.

Peeking around the corner, he watched the car as it parked in front of the house. After a moment, the sputtering of the engine came to a stop, and out of the car stepped a man wearing a crisp gray suit. He dusted himself off and turned in a circle, taking a long, slow look around the property. Then, he slammed the car door shut and began making his way to the house.

Shuddering, Jack disappeared back behind the corner.

“Who is it?” Lilly whispered. “Cops?”

He swallowed and nodded. “Just one.”

“They don’t normally come alone— or get this close. What’s he doing?”

“I don’t know.”

“Look again!”

He did just that, gripping onto the corner of the wall and poking his head out further this time. The man was on the porch now, repeatedly knocking on the front door and pacing around in between knocks. When it became clear that no one was going to answer, he gave up on knocking and kicked the door in a fit of frustration. This sent a jolt of anger through Jack, and his grip on the corner tightened.

Abandoning the front door, the man crossed to the other side of the porch and started looking inside the windows. Jack’s anger increased. He couldn’t believe how bold these bureau assholes had become. From standing on the ridge, spying on him from afar to peeping in his windows. What would be next?

He decided he wasn’t going to stand for it. They could watch him all they wanted, but this blatant disrespect was going too far. This guy had been stupid enough to come alone, which gave Jack the courage he needed to step out from his hiding place, meaning to give him a piece of his mind.

Lilly scurried after him.

“Stay here,” he said, grabbing her shoulders and pushing her back behind the barn.

“Jack—”

“Please.”

She hesitated for a moment longer before sighing in defeat. “Don’t do anything stupid.”

He squeezed her. “I won’t.”

With that, he took off jogging to the house, fighting off the urge to give the shiny motor car he passed along the way the same disrespectful kick his front door had received. He got to the porch unnoticed and stopped at the bottom of the stairs, glaring at the back of the man’s head as he continued to peer through the window.

With a huff of anger, he stomped up the steps. “Hey!”

The man pulled back from the window and turned to him, looking startled for only a brief second before assuming a more nonchalant expression. He wasn’t wearing a badge or one of those stupid hats, but Jack wasn’t about to be fooled by that. He knew a bureau agent when he saw one.

Jack marched closer to him, fury behind every one of his steps. “Didn’t I tell you bastards to leave me alone?”

The man’s brows furrowed, and he blinked a few times. “Pardon?” he said, a laugh hiding behind his voice.

“Don’t act stupid.” Jack pushed himself further into the man’s face until he was inches away. “You heard me.”

“Christ.” The man leaned backwards, his nose wrinkling in disgust. “What do you want, a kiss? Back off.”

Jack took a small step back, the response catching him off guard and making his face flush. He stammered a bit before regaining his composure and growling, “Just get the hell out of here!”

The man stared back at him, unshaken. “Look, buddy,” he started, “I don’t know who the fuck you are or what in God’s name your problem is, but I think you might be a little bit confused.”

“Ain’t nothin’ to be confused about,” Jack spat. “I saw you peepin’ in that window. And I know you people have been watchin’ me all week; I’ve seen you!”

“Watching you?” The stranger let out a derisive chuckle of disbelief. “Why would I be watching you? You’re not that much to look at, sweetheart.”

Jack’s nostrils flared, and he could only imagine that his face was redder than ever. He grit his teeth, too livid to form words.

The man seemed to pick up on his increasing fury, and moreover, seemed to be amused by it. Jack clenched his fists, fighting back an overwhelming urge to smack that subtle, self-righteous smile off the bastard’s face. But he was paralyzed with anger, so he simply stared at him, breathing heavily through his nose.

The man sighed and put his hands behind his back, the corner of his lip turning upwards in a more obvious smirk. “Are we finished?”

Jack’s arm twitched. That was it. He was a millisecond away from raising his fists and tearing the guy apart, but before he could, Lilly’s voice from behind him pulled him back down to Earth.

“Tom,” she said quietly, the sound catching in her throat.

Jack looked over his shoulder at her, puzzled and still breathing erratically as he struggled to come down from his anger. Her lips were pressed into a thin line, her brows furrowed as her eyes scanned the stranger.

Looking back at the man, Jack saw that he had softened a bit upon seeing Lilly, and his confusion intensified, overtaking his anger. He stammered, “Wha—” Suddenly, he was shoved to the side, sent stumbling into the side of the house while the man approached Lilly.

She hesitantly stepped towards him.

“Hey, kid.” He pulled her into a hug but immediately flinched away and held her at arm’s length. “God, you smell like shit,” he said, his face contorting in disgust. “When’s the last time you bathed?”

She wriggled out of his grasp and scoffed. “I bathe every—” She bit her lip, pausing for half a second before correcting herself, “almost every day!”

“In what?” the man asked flatly. “Shit?”

“Shut up!” Lilly snapped, giving him a weak punch in the shoulder. Her cheeks pinkened, and she wrapped her arms around herself. “What are you doing here? You don’t belong here.”

“We’ll get to that in a minute.” His eyes darted back to Jack, and he scowled. “Who the hell’s this clown? He smells even worse than you do.”

Jack glowered at him.

Lilly answered, “This is Jack.”

Recognition flashed across the man’s face. “This is Jack,” he echoed, pursing his lips and looking Jack up and down. He wrinkled his nose and crossed his arms. “Hm.” He turned to Lilly and reduced his voice to a murmur. “Y’know, I think you might need to read up on the definition of a few words….”

Lilly responded with a glare, and Jack furrowed his brows, confused by the exchange. He stepped closer to the pair and, seeking some clarity, finally spoke up again. “Who are you?” he asked, a trace of bitterness still present in his voice.

The man smirked and faced Jack again. “I—”

“This is Tommy,” Lilly cut in. “My brother.”

At first, Jack didn’t believe her. He couldn’t. A part of him wanted to burst out laughing. There was no way this smug piece of shit could be related to Lilly— to his sweet, unassuming Lilly. But as he turned his gaze back to the man and took a closer look, he was struck by the resemblance.

The only major difference of note was the hair; his slicked-back blond hair was a stark contrast to her long, dark curls. But everything else was so similar— the dimples in the cheeks, the slope of the nose, the accent too.

His eyes were even that same shade of green, though they lacked any of the warmth and light that Jack found in Lilly’s gaze. Hers were the green of the grass in spring, his of a camouflaged snake weaving through that grass.

Related to Lilly or not, Jack had already made up his mind: he didn’t like the guy.

Tommy extended a hand out to him. “Thomas Schuyler.”

Jack stared at his hand, making no move to shake it. He offered only a mumbled utterance of his name. “Jack Marston.”

Tommy's expression soured, and he dropped his arm back down to his side. “Charmed,” he sneered.

“Great, we’ve all met,” Lilly interjected, tapping her foot against the porch— whether from impatience or nervousness, Jack couldn’t tell. “Now, what are you doing here?”

The man looked down in thought for a moment. “I wanted to come check on you.” He patted her on the shoulder and smiled at her. “Make sure you’re doin’ okay.”

Lilly narrowed her eyes at him, not seeming to buy his explanation. “Why? Why couldn’t you just wait for me to call you like you always have before? I’ve been tryin’ all week.” She looked down at the floor and dropped her voice to a mumble. “Guess I see why you weren’t answerin’ now….”

“Well, sometimes I struggle to trust the things you tell me over the telephone, and lookin’ around, I think I might’ve been right to be skeptical.” As he spoke, he looked around, taking in the sight of the ranch with a displeased look on his face. “You told me you were stayin’ someplace nice. Yet here we are….”

Jack pursed his lips, the thinly-veiled insult towards his home deepening his dislike of the man. The ranch was everything to him. He and Lilly had put so much work into it, as had his family before them— his father built the place with his own two hands. This lanky asshole, who didn’t look like he’d ever done a real day’s work in his life, had no right to disparage it. He clenched his right fist, fighting off the rage that he could feel building up inside of him again.

Lilly shot Jack an apologetic glance. “This is someplace nice.”

Tommy scoffed out a laugh and shook his head. “Right….”

They all went quiet, and Tommy leaned against the house, pulling a cigarette out of his breast pocket. As he lit it up, Lilly watched him warily, shifting her weight between her feet. Jack did the same. He didn’t like the timing of all this— the guy just happened to drop by right after Lilly’s slip-up with those agents? He wasn’t buying that.

Finally, Lilly spoke up, asking the question that was on both of their minds: “Is… is that it?”

“Why?” Tommy raised an eyebrow. “Were you expecting something else?”

“N-No.” She gave a nervous laugh and crossed her arms. “It’s just that I don’t understand why you would come all this way for something so trivial. That seems a bit ridiculous— even for you.”

He hummed and tapped on his cigarette, causing a sprinkle of ash to flutter down onto the porch. “Okay. Fair point,” he mumbled, shrugging a single shoulder as he brought the cigarette back to his lips.

Lilly wrung her hands. “So what’s going on then?”

He exhaled a cloud of smoke. “A little while ago, a couple of morons from the Bureau of Investigation showed up on Ma’s doorstep.”

Jack felt all of the blood drain from his face as the man’s words confirmed what he’d feared. He briefly locked eyes with Lilly, who wore the same subtle look of dismay that he was sure had spread across his own face.

Then, almost immediately, she dropped the expression and raised her eyebrows in feigned surprise. “Why?” she asked, refocusing on her brother. “What’d they want?” There was a small hitch in her voice as she spoke, so subtle that Jack thought he must have been the only one to notice.

Tommy took another slow drag of his cigarette before answering, “They just asked her if she happened to know anyone in or from West Elizabeth. They wouldn’t tell her much else, but of course, she thought it must have somethin’ to do with you.” He paused and looked her up and down. “And when she came and told me about it, I had the same thought too.”

Lilly’s face paled, and this time, she didn’t try to hide her dismay. “Wait, y-you didn’t tell her I’m here, did you?”

“No. I didn’t,” Tommy scoffed, waving the question off as if it were absurd.

She breathed a shaky sigh of relief.

“But,” he continued, “since I knew you were here, the whole encounter didn’t really sit well with me.” He shrugged. “So naturally, I went and harassed ‘em into givin’ me a little more context.”

The man paused to take another long puff of his cigarette, and as the silence droned on, Jack felt like he would crumble from anticipation.

“And?” Lilly prompted.

Tommy sighed, blowing a cloud of smoke into the air. “They told me that they were lookin’ for a suspect in a separate missing person’s case in West Elizabeth, and someone told them that person was up in Boston.” He furrowed his brows. “That someone also gave them Ma’s name for some reason.”

“Okay…” Lilly replied, dumbfounding Jack with her ability to keep her tone so nonchalant. “What does that have to do with me?”

“I just thought it was strange.” He raised an eyebrow at her. “Do you not?”

Lilly fidgeted a bit under his gaze. “I mean, sure, it kinda is,” she said, her eyes nervously flitting over to Jack again. “But that doesn’t mean I had anything to do with it, if that’s what you’re trying to imply.”

“Well, it was quite a coincidence then.”

“Stranger things have happened,” she replied, taking another reflexive look at Jack.

This time, Tommy followed her gaze, narrowing his eyes at Jack. “What do you keep lookin’ at him for?” he asked. “Have you got somethin’ to say?”

Breathing shakily, Jack scowled at him. “No. I don’t.”

“No?” He scoffed and pushed himself off the wall, turning his back on Lilly to march closer to Jack. “You sure had a lot to say to me before she showed up.” He nodded over his shoulder at her. “Where’d all that nerve go?”

Jack shifted on his feet, his stomach lurching as he recalled all that he’d unwittingly said when he first confronted the man. Fighting to keep his anxiety from showing on his face, he searched his head for a response. But with Tommy’s unwavering, suspicious gaze boring into him, he struggled to come up with anything.

He wondered how Lilly had managed to keep as cool as she did when he was staring down at her— maybe it was just because she knew him better. He peered over Tommy’s shoulder and looked at her, widening his eyes in a silent plea for help.

Catching on to his signal, she put her palms up and motioned for him to stay calm. Then, with repeated glances at her brother to make sure he didn’t notice, she waved her hands and mouthed the words, “Change. The. Subject.”

Without thinking, Jack nodded at her, kicking himself for doing so when the gesture caused Tommy to look back at her. In a quick motion, she dropped her arms back down to her sides, acting as if their exchange hadn’t happened. When his gaze returned to Jack, the suspicion in his eyes had deepened.

Heeding Lilly’s advice, Jack steeled his face and said in as flat a tone as he was able, “Are you gonna be leavin’ soon? We need to get back to work.”

For a second, Tommy seemed caught off guard by the response. Then, he gave a derisive chuckle. “Work, huh?” Taking a step back from Jack, he took another brief look around the ranch. “It sure doesn’t look like you’ve been doing much work.” He threw his half-spent cigarette down onto the porch, crushing it underneath a shiny, pristine shoe. “This place is a dump.”

Jack's face grew hot with anger, and he balled up his fists. This piece of shit was asking for it at this point…. It took every ounce of willpower he had not to knock his ass to the ground right then.

He opened his mouth to argue, but Lilly cut in to break them up. “All the more reason we should get back to it,” she said, grabbing Tommy’s shoulder from behind and pulling him until he faced her. “Everything’s fine, Tommy, honestly. You can go home now.”

He shrugged her hand off and pursed his lips, glaring at her with such intensity that it looked like he thought he could read her mind if he tried hard enough. She crossed her arms and frowned at him, holding his gaze for several seconds before faltering.

Then, to Jack’s surprise, Tommy’s demeanor suddenly softened, and a genuine look of concern appeared on his face, lasting only for a brief second before he wiped it away. “No,” he said quietly, folding his hands behind his back. “I’m afraid I can’t.”

Lilly sighed impatiently. “Why not? What—”

“Because,” he cut her off, “like I said, I wanted to make sure you’re okay. And so far”— his voice became strained, and he shot Jack another suspicious glare— “I’m not so convinced that you are.”

Jack glared back at him, resenting the implication that he was some kind of threat to Lilly. He hadn’t done anything to harm her nor had he even considered doing so.

“I am,” she said. “You’re being ridiculous.”

Tommy studied her for another moment before muttering, “Prove it.”

His words seemed to startle her a bit, but with only a brief hesitation, she stuck her chin up and said, “Y’know what? Fine.” She threw her hands up in defeat. “If you wanna hover around like a paranoid freak, be our guest. Just stay out of the way.”

Wait, what? Jack thought. She’s not really telling him he can stay, is she?

“Fine by me,” Tommy replied. “Wouldn’t wanna get too close anyway.”

Ignoring him, Lilly walked over to Jack and put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it a little too hard. “Just pretend he isn’t here, okay?” she murmured in his ear. Her hand trailed down to his bicep, and she gently tugged on it, beckoning him towards the porch steps. “Come on. Let’s get back to work.”

Jack looked at her like she was out of her mind. How was he supposed to pretend he wasn’t there? How were they supposed to get back to work if this guy was intent on breathing down their necks the entire time? He was already stressed enough from cleaning out the barn; he didn’t need this too.

He shook his head in disagreement, and Lilly gave him a look of pleading in response, her grip on his arm becoming tighter until it started to hurt. When he didn’t budge, she whispered, her lips barely moving, “Trust me.”

Tommy cleared his throat. “Is there a problem?”

Jack hesitated for a moment, keeping his eyes locked on Lilly, who continued to silently plead with him to just go along with it. Finally, he swallowed and gave her a short nod before addressing the man. “You heard her,” he mumbled gruffly. “Just stay out of the way.”

Tommy gave him a strained, sardonic smile and looked him over, scrutinizing him for what felt like the hundredth time. “As you wish, sweetheart.”

Jack scowled in response, and Lilly grabbed hold of his wrist, tugging him off the porch and over to the chicken coop. Tommy followed after them, lagging several feet behind as Lilly picked up the pace, never releasing her grip on Jack.

As they neared the coop, she gave his wrist a hard squeeze. “Just stay calm and act normal,” she whispered, her breathing heavy. “He’s just overprotective. Show him there’s no reason to be suspicious and then he’ll go.” Stay calm and act normal, Jack repeated in his head. Because that’s always been so easy for him to do….

#this one's kinda painful #i'm sorry #jack marston #adult jack marston #rdr1 #rdr #my writing #//my blessed son

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reddorkredemption · 4 months

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My Blessed Son—Chapter 18

|| AO3 || Chapter List / Story Info ||

Summary:

Word Count: ~7400

Chapter under the cut <3

Jack paced about the living room, arms crossed over his chest as Lilly watched from the sofa, anxiety written across her face as she waited for him to speak.

He didn’t even know where to start. All of the information Fordham had revealed replayed in his head, a jumbled mess of thoughts and theories that he struggled to make sense of. But what stood out above all was what the man had said about that fake name Lilly had given them. How it clearly wasn’t as made up as Jack had originally thought.

Abruptly, he stopped his pacing and turned to face her. He chose to start with a simple question: “Who is Lettie Hall?”

Lilly’s eyebrows shot up and then furrowed. With a surprised uneasiness, she asked, “What?”

“That fake name you gave them agents the other day?” he reminded, his tone already beginning to grow impatient. “Who is that?”

She was quiet for a moment, staring at him wide-eyed and fidgeting with her hands. “W-Why are you asking me that?”

Jack huffed and uncrossed his arms, letting them fall rigidly to his sides. Alright, maybe that hadn’t been the right place to start….

Fighting back his annoyance, he decided to start over from the beginning. “That guy that was watchin’ us? That’s Archer Fordham. He’s real high up in the bureau— he used to be Ross’s partner,” he explained. “He came up to me while I was gettin’ that horse and started questionin’ me and tellin’ me a bunch of stuff that didn’t make no sense.”

Lilly swallowed hard and nervously tapped her toe against the floor. “Such as…”

“They looked into the name you gave ‘em, and they found someone with that same name back where you’re from,” he said. “And that someone just happens to have a daughter your age who’s been missing.”

Lilly’s cheeks paled, and her mouth fell open slightly. “Oh.” She sighed and slouched forward, burying her head in her hands. “Shit…”

“So there’s clearly something you ain’t tellin’ me,” Jack continued, getting a bit fired up. “And— And I don’t get it. You’ve told me so much about yourself, yet somehow nothing at all at the same time. I-I’m not sure I even know what your name is anymore.”

She straightened up and rested her hands in her lap, giving him a look of remorse and dismay. “It’s Lilly.” Her voice had a slight shake in it, but her words were firm and certain.

“Lilly. Lilly what?” he asked. “Lilly Adams? Lilly Hall? Lilly… whatever that photo of yours said on the back; I don’t remember what it was. S— something.”

“Schuyler.”

Jack paused, breathing heavily. “Is that it then?”

“Yes.” She lifted a hand to reach out to him. “Come—”

“Why couldn’t you say that sooner?” he asked. “Why’d you have to lie to me?”

“Jack,” she said, her voice quiet and resigned. She patted the spot beside her on the sofa. “Come here. Please.”

The softness of her tone and the subtle pleading look in her eyes brought him down a bit, and his breathing slowed again. After a brief hesitation, he complied and joined her on the sofa.

As soon as he’d sat down, Lilly put a hand on his arm and looked him straight in the eyes. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I should’ve said something sooner. I understand if you’re angry, and I—”

“Not angry,” Jack corrected. “More… confused.”

And a bit hurt. Hurt that she would feel the need to hide so much of herself even after everything he’d shared with her. After he’d spilled his guts to her about Ross and his family. It wasn’t fair.

Lilly took her hand off of him and nodded in understanding before continuing, “I want you to know that apart from the name, everything I’ve ever told you is true.”

“But you left a lot out.”

“I did,” she said. “And again, I am sorry. I know that wasn’t fair, and I’m gonna explain it to you now if you’ll give me the chance.”

“Okay,” he said, taking a breath to fully calm himself down. “I’m listening.”

Lilly looked away and sighed, taking a moment to collect herself before beginning her explanation: “Lettie Hall is my mother’s name, though I’m sure you’ve already inferred that by now.��

Jack nodded— he had assumed that based on the information Fordham had given— but his mind caught on a minor detail. He asked, “You don’t have the same last name as your ma?”

“No.” She pursed her lips. “She got remarried a few months after my father died.”

“A few months?” he repeated, astonished.

He couldn’t wrap his head around that. His mother was an absolute wreck a few months after his father died; she could hardly pull herself out of bed in the mornings. And even years later, she still hadn’t come close to recovering from the loss. The thought of someone moving on so fast was unfathomable.

“Yup. Just a few months,” Lilly said softly, a slight shake in her voice. “She didn’t care about him. Or me. Or anyone else who was different from how she thought they should be.”

The anger rising in her voice made him pause, and he stared silently back at her, eyes widened.

“I’m sorry,” she said with a hard swallow then an uncomfortable laugh. “I’ve never been a big fan of hers.”

“Yeah, I’ve, uh— I’ve noticed.” Jack paused, trying to decide whether it was a good idea to ask his next question. Eventually, he just blurted it out: “Why, exactly?”

She chuckled derisively. “What, you want a list?”

“If you got one, sure. That’d be convenient.”

For a brief second, the hint of a genuine, amused smile appeared on her face, but it quickly fell. “Well, for one,” she began, “I never seemed to be good enough for her, and she had no problem lettin’ me know that every opportunity she got.” She scowled down at her lap. “It was like a hobby for her— findin’ everything wrong with me, pissin’ on anything that brought me any kinda joy.”

“That ain’t right,” he mumbled. “I’m sorry.”

It was a stupid response, but he didn’t know what else to say. And he hated that he could somewhat relate; over the years, he had become all too acquainted with that feeling of never being good enough.

Lilly sucked in her lips and nodded gratefully. “My father protected me from her wrath as much as he could”— her expression became pained, and her voice reduced to a murmur— “and boy, did she make him pay for that….”

She paused and closed her eyes, and Jack, not knowing what else to do, gave her an awkward pat on the shoulder in some lame attempt to comfort her. Luckily, it somehow seemed to help, and Lilly straightened up a bit.

She glanced at him and continued, “When he died, I was just… thrown to the wolves, y’know? The older I got, the more she took issue with me.”

His brows drew together. “What’d she think was so wrong with you?”

“Let’s see,” she sighed, looking up at the ceiling. She raised one of her hands and counted on her fingers as she listed out some of her supposed transgressions: “My hair’s too frizzy. My voice is grating. I waste too much time reading stupid books and playin’ stupid instruments. I get too tan in the sun— she kept me locked up in the house for that sin.”

“Jesus,” Jack breathed, horrified.

“Right.” Lilly scoffed a bitter laugh. “It was all so suffocating. I remember tellin’ my brother, ‘if I don’t get far away from here soon, one of us—either me or her— is gonna fuckin’ die.’” She pursed her lips. “And I meant that.”

The hatred that crossed her face as she spoke those words was striking, frightening almost. It was so unlike her. To him, she always seemed like she didn’t have a truly hateful bone in her body, but looking at her now… Maybe he was wrong.

She continued, “Anyway, I couldn’t take it anymore. So about a year ago, in the middle of the night, I went to the train station, hopped on the first train outta the city and never looked back. I didn’t want my mother to find me and drag me back, so I went by a fake surname and changed it every time I moved cities.”

Jack nodded then shifted in his seat and asked, “So… what’d you give them agents her name for?”

Lilly’s expression relaxed, and she stared blankly in front of her for a few seconds before letting out a heavy sigh. “I don’t know. When they asked for a name, I— I panicked, y’know? They were so… aggressive. I just blurted out the first thing that came to mind, and that was it.”

“Is that gonna end up causing a problem for you?” he asked. “Fordham said the police up there talked to her. And to your brother, I think.”

“I hope not.” Lilly pursed her lips in thought, a hint of worry showing on her features. “My brother already knows I’m here; he has from the beginning. He’s the one who dumped me off at the train station, insisting I call or write to him regularly.” Her brows suddenly drew together in anger, and she muttered, “He better not fuckin’ rat on me now….”

“It didn’t sound like he did,” Jack said. “Fordham said both he and your ma told ‘em they don’t know no one in Blackwater.”

“Good. I’d kill him if he—” She snapped her lips shut and closed her eyes. After a slow, deep breath, she put a hand up and said, “Nevermind. None of that’s important right now; you don’t need to worry about me.”

Without a beat, he murmured almost inaudibly, “I do though.”

She opened her eyes and gave him a sad, yet affectionate smile. Then, her face fell. “What about you? I feel like I’ve just made everything worse for you.”

He bit his lip. In a way, she had made things worse— for him and potentially for herself. The bureau now knew for certain that she’d lied to them, and that would only increase their suspicions towards Jack.

But he found it hard to fully blame her for it. He shouldn’t have told her to talk to them in the first place. He shouldn’t have dragged her down with him into the deep pit he’d been digging for himself. He shouldn’t have handed her a shovel to help him dig it deeper.

Jack sighed. “It ain’t your fault. You were tryin’ to help.”

“I could’ve done better,” she maintained.

“So could I.” He shrugged. “But it’s done now.”

She stared at him for a moment before giving a small nod. “Right. I guess it is.” After a moment of silence, she drummed her fingers on her knees and asked, “So what are we gonna do about that guy, uh— whatshisname?”

“Fordham,” he reminded her. “I don’t think there’s anything we can do about him. Not without bringin’ ourselves even more trouble.”

“Did he say anything about Ross?”

“He asked me where he is, and… it definitely seemed like he knew I had something to do with him bein’ missing.” Jack nervously shook his leg. “Or at least suspects I did….”

“But he didn’t do anything about it? Didn’t try to lock you up or anything?”

“No. He just wanted to talk.” Jack shook his head. “Seems that’s all any of ‘em ever wanna do: talk. I don’t get it.”

With a lilt of relief, Lilly said, “They must not have much against you then.”

“Maybe not.” He scratched his chin. “They don’t even know for sure that he’s dead. They ain’t found him.” Yet, an anxious voice in his head added. They hadn’t found him yet.

“Well, that’s good, right?” she asked. “They can’t prove you killed him if they can’t even prove he’s dead.”

“Let’s hope not.”

With that, they fell into silence, Lilly continuing to fidget beside Jack as he became lost in his thoughts. He hoped that she was right, that they really wouldn’t be able to prove anything without Ross’s body. And he hoped that it would stay missing forever. Maybe he’d get lucky, and the whole thing would just blow over eventually….

Suddenly, Lilly broke the silence by asking, “You don’t have a telephone by any chance, do you?”

Jack paused and furrowed his eyebrows at her, not expecting such a question. Once his mind caught up, he answered, “I do, actually. There’s one on my desk.” He nodded in the direction of his bedroom. “Why?”

“I want to talk to my brother. Make sure he doesn’t say anything to anyone, y’know?”

He raised an eyebrow. “What, you gonna threaten him?”

She let out a short laugh. “I suppose that is a more candid way of putting it, yes.”

Jack’s lip involuntarily twitched into a smirk. “I’ll go grab it for ya.”

She gave a grateful smile and a small nod as he stood up.

“Hey. One more thing.” Lilly reached out and grabbed his hand with both of hers, stopping him before he could take off. “No more secrets, okay?” She squeezed his hand. ”If you ever wanna know something, just ask. I’ll tell you.”

Jack nodded. “No more secrets.”

———

Over the next few days, Jack tried to return to normal. He and Lilly continued tending to the ranch, keeping a sharp eye out for anything out of the ordinary. And when the chores were finished, he’d retreat to his bedroom, where he would try to drown himself in finishing the story he was writing.

It had become increasingly difficult to focus on it, however. He often ended up just sitting at his desk, staring blankly at the wall and tapping the end of his fancy new pen against the paper. The words refused to flow the way they had before, and it irritated him. He was getting so close to the end, yet he couldn’t bring himself to write it.

And today was no exception. There he sat, his pen in his hand, a blank sheet of paper in front of him, and an overwhelming frustration pounding at his head. Giving up, he tossed the pen onto the desk, slamming his hand down on it when it threatened to roll off the side. Then, he leaned back in his chair and stretched, groaning in tandem with the chair’s creaking.

Once he’d settled back into the chair, he glanced out the window and sighed. Maybe a little fresh air could help to clear his head…. He had been cooped up at the ranch for the entirety of the past few days, and that never tended to do his mind any favors.

He didn’t have anywhere that he needed to go, but he knew Lilly had been wanting to go out riding outside of the ranch. So he figured that was as good an excuse to get out of the house as any.

Jack pushed himself away from his desk, stood up, and headed out of his room to look for her. He quickly found her standing at the dining room table, leaning over the telephone. She was holding the receiver to her ear while impatiently tapping on the table with her free hand.

It was a position he’d found her in several times over the past few days. Ever since he told her about his encounter with Archer Fordham, she had been trying to contact her brother over the phone without much success.

Jack approached her, and she put a finger up, signaling for him to wait a moment. He heard an unintelligible voice briefly come through the receiver before Lilly sighed and slammed it down into its holder.

“Still can’t reach him?” Jack asked.

“No. He won’t answer,” Lilly said, a mix of irritation and concern hiding behind her voice. “He’s probably busy.” She pursed her lips and mumbled, “Or he’s just bein’ an asshole…. Who knows?”

She glanced away and began to wring her hands, her tense posture contrasting the nonchalance that her words tried to portray.

Jack eyed her for a few seconds. “You’re not worried?”

“No. No, I’m not—” She bit her lip and paused in thought for a moment. “Maybe a little.” She shook her head and mustered up a reassuring smile. “But I’m sure it’s nothing. I’ll wring his ass out for it later once he finally decides to answer.”

“You don’t think he told on you, do you?”

Lilly blew a breath out of her nose and leaned against the table, almost sitting on it. “No. Let’s just not worry about it for now, okay?” she said, speaking quickly. “What are you up to? Did you need something?”

Taking the hint to drop the subject, Jack replied, “No, don’t need anything. Just takin’ a break.” He glanced out the window. “Can’t focus on writing, so I was thinking about goin’ out for a ride.”

A small smile crossed her face. “And I suppose you came to tell me this ‘cause you’d like me to come with you?”

He nodded. “I know you’ve been wanting to practice riding outside the ranch, and since we’ve finally got that second horse…” He trailed off and shrugged.

Her smile grew, and she stood up straight. “Sure. I’d love to.” She gestured in the direction of the master bedroom. “Just let me grab a coat first; it’s been gettin’ kinda cold out.”

“Alright. I’ll go get the horses ready. Meet me out on the porch when you’re ready.”

“Will do, Jackie.”

He scoffed at the nickname, reaching up and covering his mouth with a single hand to hide a smile. Lilly chuckled and gave him a light pat on the shoulder before turning away and heading towards the bedroom.

Jack went outside and fetched the horses, quickly saddling them up and getting them ready for the ride before leading them to the porch. By the time he got there, Lilly was already outside waiting for him, now wrapped up in a light coat. Slung over her forearm was his old tan jacket.

She hopped off the porch and came over to him, handing him the jacket.

“I ain’t cold,” he said, frowning at it.

Lilly pursed her lips and raised an eyebrow. “You really wanna argue about this?”

He sighed and grumbled, “Not really,” as he took the jacket from her.

She smirked at him as he slipped it on and then turned her attention to the horses. “So, who’s this?” she asked, patting his old horse on the side of her neck.

Jack rested his hand on the horse’s back. “This is Clover. She’s real friendly, and”— he glanced at Ace and let out a small laugh— “not quite as scary lookin’ as him.”

“Clover,” Lilly repeated with a grin. “That’s a cute name. Did you come up with that?”

He faltered a bit before answering, “No, uh, my ma did.”

Jack felt a slight stinging in his chest, an unwelcome reminder of the still unhealed wound his mother’s death had left on his heart. He shoved the feeling away immediately, forcing himself to stay focused on the present moment.

“Oh,” Lilly said softly, her smile falling. “I—”

Cutting her off, he cleared his throat and gestured at the horses. “Ready to go?”

She hesitated for a moment, seemingly torn between continuing what she had to say and just dropping it. To his relief, she did the latter and turned her gaze back to the horse.

“Yup. Let’s go,” she said, clapping her hands together.

Jack stood to the side and watched as she climbed up onto the horse, ready to help her if she needed it. But while her mount-up was still a bit clumsy, she was able to do it quickly on her own. As she settled into the saddle and got a grip on the reins, he hopped on his own horse.

“Where are we heading?” she asked.

“The river,” he said. “Follow me.”

He took off towards the river, and Lilly followed, lagging a few yards behind him. He stayed quiet as they rode, listening out to make sure she didn’t fall too far behind while keeping his eyes forward to navigate.

Once they’d gotten some distance from the ranch, Lilly called out to him, and the hoofbeats of her horse sped up to catch up to him.

“Huh?” Jack glanced over his shoulder at her, slowing his horse until she was riding alongside him.

“I’m sorry,” she said, wobbling a bit as she slowed her horse back down.

“Why?”

“For askin’ about the horse’s name. I didn’t—”

“It’s alright.”

The stinging sensation in his chest returned, and he grimaced, turning his head so Lilly wouldn’t see. He continued talking, trying to distract himself from it: “Uh, when I got the horse, I couldn’t come up with a name for her, so my ma named her for me.”

“Well, it’s a nice name,” Lilly replied gently. “She had good taste.”

“Yeah.” He breathed out a strained laugh, the pain in his chest beginning to fade into a strange, nostalgic warmth. “It was much better than pa’s suggestion: ‘Miss Horse’.”

She laughed. “I don’t know,” she said, sucking in a breath through her teeth. “Miss Horse is pretty good too. Very creative.”

“Right.” He chuckled and rolled his eyes. “You and pa sure would’ve gotten along well.”

As they came upon the river, Jack slowed his horse to a stop, Lilly following suit beside him. He took a moment to look around, taking in the sight of the river for the first time in a long while. He used to come there all the time with his father; it was their favorite place to practice while he was teaching Jack to ride, as well as his father’s favorite place to go fishing. The crystal clear water made the colorful fish easier to see.

Motioning for Lilly to follow, Jack spurred his horse to start slowly trotting down the trail that ran along the riverbank. He kept his pace slow, allowing her to ride alongside him with ease.

“It’s beautiful out here,” she sighed, a dreaminess in her voice that made Jack’s skin tingle.

He watched her, reveling in the way the sun hit the tanned skin on her cheek and how the stray hairs framing her face swayed in the breeze. “Yeah,” he said, a small smile crossing his face. “It is.”

They continued along the trail, stopping occasionally to appreciate the scenery. Jack would point out little details in the landscape: the small herd of deer cloaked by the bushes as they drank from the river, the tree stump he’d carved his name into years ago during a fishing trip with his father, the water lilies growing in the still parts of the water.

When they reached the end of the river, where it spilled out into the lake, they decided to take a break. They dismounted and sat down by the water’s edge, Jack taking to skipping stones across the water while Lilly picked at the tiny red and white flowers growing along the shore. She tied their stems together, forming a string not unlike the ones Jack remembered making as a kid.

They sat quietly for a while, enjoying the fresh air and the soothing sound of the waves sloshing against the shore. It was a much-needed moment of peace. He could almost forget about all of the trouble that was waiting around the corner for him.

Almost.

Before he could get too lost in thought, he turned to Lilly and broke the silence. "So… what do you think of the trail?” he asked as he dug through the stones on the ground, searching for another suitable one to skip. “You had fun riding?”

"Yeah, uh”— she twirled a flower in her hand as if it were a lasso— “yeehaw or... whatever it is you say."

Jack’s hand stilled as the phrase left her lips, awkward and unnatural in her accent. He eyed her for a moment, unable to hide his amusement. "Don't ever say that again."

Lilly snickered. "Yeah, you got it.”

He laughed with her.

She grinned at him. “Really though, the ride’s been nice.” Her expression softened, and she placed a hand on his bicep, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Thank you for bringing me with you.”

Jack’s skin tingled where she touched him, and he swallowed a lump in his throat. “O-Of course.”

Lilly looked back out at the water, her smile fading into an unreadable expression. “I never would’ve thought life would lead me here,” she said softly, shaking her head. “Workin’ on a ranch. Riding horses….”

His heart sank a little. “Is that a bad thing?”

“No,” she replied immediately, snapping her head to look at him. “I didn’t mean it that way. It’s a good thing.”

“Oh,” he said with a light sigh of relief. He grabbed a pebble and chucked it into the water. “Well, where did you think you’d end up?”

Lilly shrugged and stared at her hands, fidgeting with the string of flowers she’d made. “I dunno. A couple years ago, I’d look to the future and see… well, nothing.” She looked back at the water and frowned. “Just… blackness. As if I were… I don’t know.”

He went quiet, stunned and saddened by her admission. He didn’t know what was worse: the fact that she’d felt that way or the fact that he knew exactly what she was talking about. After his father died, he’d experienced the same thing— looking into the future to see a hopeless void staring back at him.

All he could ever picture was himself killing Ross and then after that, nothing. As if once it was done, he would simply cease to exist. As if he were dead.

“I’m sorry.” Lilly chuckled uncomfortably. “I don’t know why I—”

“No,” Jack murmured. “I know what you mean.”

She sucked her lips in and stared at him, sadness filling her eyes. “I know you do.” She choked out a humorless laugh. “Takes one to know one, right?”

He bowed his head and, unsure of what he should say, gave a single nod in response.

He’d never stopped to think about how similar the two of them really were— maybe because the thought of her being anything like him had been unfathomable before. How could this person who always had a smile on her face possibly have the same dark thoughts that went on in his head? How could someone who felt the same pain he did possibly find it in them to be so kind?

Then again, maybe that was the reason she was so kind to him and so patient with him. She’d been there before.

He wanted to ask her if she still felt that way, but some strange part of him was afraid of the answer. Even more so, he was afraid that she would ask him the same thing, and he wouldn’t have an answer at all. He tried his hardest to avoid thinking about the future, as he feared he’d only see something worse than the blackness he was accustomed to.

His thoughts were interrupted when he felt something tickling his wrist. Tensing up, he looked down at it to find Lilly loosely tying her little string of flowers around his wrist. He relaxed and looked up at her with furrowed brows.

“What?” she asked with a shy, lopsided smile as she finished tying off the stems. “It suits you.”

For a second, he stared stupidly at her, thrown off by her sudden change in tone. He looked back at his wrist, rotating it to examine the little red flowers adorning it. As he examined them, his lips automatically curved into a smile to mirror hers.

Returning his gaze to her, he snorted. “If you say so.”

She lifted her chin. “I do.”

Feeling his cheeks start to heat up, Jack took his eyes off of her again, looking out at the lake. He dug around in the dirt for another stone, picking up the first one his fingers found and skipping it across the water.

Lilly chuckled and returned to fidgeting with flowers.

They sat there quietly for a while longer, watching the lake and enjoying one another’s company until the sky began to get dimmer. At that point, Jack was reminded of all the chores they still had to finish before the end of the day, so reluctantly, he suggested that they return home.

———

About an hour after they arrived back at the ranch, Jack was working on pulling up the weeds around the silo when he spotted Lilly scurrying over to him from the other side of the house. Her arms were wrapped around herself, her posture stiff and uncomfortable. Her demeanor immediately sparked worry within him, and he tightened his grip on the weeds in his hand.

“Hey,” she said as she reached him, her voice hushed and serious.

The grim look on her face made his stomach turn. He dropped the handful of weeds he’d pulled and stood up. “What’s wrong?”

Her arms tightened around herself. “Look over my shoulder— subtly”— she nodded over her left shoulder— “at the cliff by the forest.”

He did as she said, glancing up at the ridge on the western end of the ranch just long enough to catch a couple of figures standing there, looking down at them. He didn’t get a good enough look to know who exactly they were— he didn’t want them to know he’d seen them— but he wasn’t sure he even needed a better look. Who else would be watching him besides those godforsaken government agents?

“I see,” he confirmed, locking eyes with Lilly again.

She whispered, “They’ve been up there awhile. I think they’re spying on us.”

Jack swallowed. “Seems that way.”

She looked down in thought, her foot anxiously tapping against the dirt. When she raised her head again, her expression had turned indignant. Suddenly, she whirled around and huffed, “I’ll go up there and tell ‘em to get lost.”

He grabbed her hand to stop her. “No,” he said. “Just let ‘em.”

Lilly froze and pulled her hand from his grasp before turning back around and gaping at him. “What?”

“We ain’t doin’ nothin’ wrong,” he said. “They can see that for themselves.”

She stared at him, dumbstruck for a moment. “Are you—”

“I’m sure,” he affirmed, his voice cracking a bit. “Can’t really hide from it no more.”

Lilly blew out a breath, the surprise still clear on her face. “Okay, then.” She crossed her arms. “I don’t much appreciate being spied on, but I guess I’ll… try to ignore them.”

Jack wasn’t fond of the idea of them spying on her either. They could watch him all they wanted, but he didn’t want her to be dragged down with him. She was trying to remain hidden from her family back home; he didn’t want his mess with the bureau to sabotage her efforts.

“Why don’t you go inside?” he suggested.

Lilly shook her head. “I still need to feed the chickens and lock them up for the night.”

He waved off her concerns. “Don’t worry about that. I’ll do it.”

She hesitated for a moment, her eyes flitting to the chicken coop and then up at the men standing on the ridge. When she looked back at Jack, she nodded and murmured, “Thank you.”

“Sure.”

With a small smile of gratitude, Lilly headed towards the house.

Once she’d disappeared inside, Jack’s gaze flipped back to the men watching him, no longer trying to hide the fact that he’d noticed them. He held their gaze, keeping his chin up in spite of the quickening of his heart and the trembling of his knees. He wanted them to feel that he wasn’t afraid of them.

Once he thought his point had been made, he lowered his head and returned to work. He finished pulling up the patch of weeds he was working on and then headed for the chicken coop to complete the night’s chores, keenly aware of the eyes trained on him the entire time.

———

“Jack. Jack, wake up.”

Jack opened his eyes to the sound of Lilly’s voice and the feeling of her hand on his shoulder, shaking him as he lay in his bed. Upon seeing that he was awake, she flipped on the lamp on his bedside table, the sudden change in lighting making him squint.

“What?” he asked, voice slurred from sleep.

“Get up.”

The urgency in her voice made his blood run cold, and every lingering bit of drowsiness gave way to panic. He sat up abruptly, tossing his thin blanket off of him.

“Why? What’s happening? Agents?”

“No,” she said. “Coyotes.”

��Coyotes? Wh—”

“By the chicken coop.” She pointed out the window. “They broke in somehow and started attackin’ the chickens. And I tried to scare ‘em off, but they weren’t phased. They— they scared me off instead,” she explained, speaking almost too quickly to be understood.

At first, Jack was overcome with relief, but the second he heard the sharp, eerie howling from the animals outside, his stomach sank. They couldn’t afford to lose their chickens.

He leaned forward to look out the window, seeing nothing but the all-encompassing darkness of the night.

“Crap,” he growled, standing up from his bed. As he scrambled to the corner of his room to slip on his boots, he addressed Lilly, “I’ll take care of it. Go get a lantern; there’s one out in the shed.”

She nodded and took off, the sound of her rapid footsteps echoing down the hallway.

Once he’d gotten his shoes on, he sprinted out of his room, heading for the attic where all of his father’s old guns and ammunition were tucked away in a large chest. He pulled out a shotgun and loaded it. It was caked in grime and beginning to rust, but it would have to do.

He rushed outside next, swinging the back door open to the unsettling symphony of howling coyotes and screeching chickens. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he was able to make out the vague silhouettes of the animals by the coop, and he ran straight for them.

What followed was a mess of poorly-aimed gunshots and the yipping and screaming of the coyotes. Jack wasn’t sure if he actually managed to hit any of them— it was too dark to tell— but it wasn’t long before they started to flee.

As their cries faded into the distance, he tossed his shotgun onto the ground and approached the coop. Squinting through the darkness, he saw the outlines of a few hens lying unmoving on the ground around the building, and his stomach churned. There was no sign of any of the others, nor of the rooster.

He inspected the coop next, a single question running through his mind: how had this happened? The hole he’d patched weeks ago was still covered, and a kick to the wood confirmed that it was sturdy. There were no new holes that he could see, and all of the windows were tightly shut.

He got his answer when he pushed on the door, and it swung open with no resistance. He had forgotten to latch it the night before. He had been so focused on those bureau agents watching him that he failed to do the most simple task to keep the animals safe. This whole thing was entirely his fault.

Jack stepped away, letting the door swing itself shut, and plopped down onto the stairs. He stared blankly at the ground, the shame he felt threatening to swallow him whole. Fixing up the ranch had been the only thing that seemed to be going right in his life. He knew he wasn’t the best rancher, but he was making progress; the place was looking better every day.

He should’ve expected he’d manage to ruin that too.

He looked up when he spotted a light out of the corner of his eye, rapidly coming towards him. It was Lilly, finally arriving with the lantern, which swung in her hand as she ran to him.

She froze a short distance away, cursing under her breath as the lantern illuminated the carnage surrounding the coop. Lifting her skirt a bit, she stepped over the remains of one of the hens to join him. Squeezing into the tiny space remaining on the stairs, she sat beside him.

She took another glance around and shuddered before finally speaking: “H-How did they—”

“I forgot to latch the door yesterday,” Jack muttered against his hand. He took a deep, shaky breath as his hand floated up to stroke his forehead. “Some rancher I am…”

“Hey,” Lilly said lightly. “You’re much better at it than I am.”

Without thinking, he snapped back, “That ain’t sayin’ nothin’.”

She scoffed, taken aback by his sudden hostility. “Well, shit,” she muttered, sounding halfway between offended and amused. “Tell me how you really feel….”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it,” he stammered, remorse flooding him immediately. “It’s just—” Jack clenched his fist and slammed it down onto his knee. “Everything’s fallin’ apart. Like it always does…”

Her face fell. “Oh… It’s not just about the chickens,” she said quietly, speaking more to herself than to him.

“No,” he said. “Not completely.”

She leaned closer to him. “What’s goin’ on?”

“I’m tired of everything always goin’ wrong. Just once, I want something to go the way it’s supposed to. But instead, everything just keeps getting worse and worse every day, and I—” His voice caught in his throat. “I’m scared.”

As much as he hated to admit it, as much as he tried to shove the feeling down and bury it under some delusional hope that everything would turn out okay, he couldn’t deny it. He was terrified of the bureau. Terrified of Archer Fordham. Terrified of how powerless he truly was against them.

He didn’t want to die. For the first time in forever, he could honestly say that with certainty. But it seemed that that wasn’t up to him anymore; it didn’t matter what he wanted.

His eyes began to sting, and he clenched the fist resting on his knee tighter. He bowed his head, his other hand flying up to his face to conceal any stray tears.

Lilly placed her hand on his fist, gently uncurled his fingers, and interlocked them with hers. “Hey,” she said, the sweet softness of her voice taking some of the tension out of his shoulders. “It’s okay. We— we’ll figure something out.”

Jack sniffled and looked up at her. “How? What are we gonna do?”

The look on her face told him she didn’t have any more of a clue than he did. After a moment of contemplation, she softly asked, “Are you sure you don’t want to leave here?”

“I can’t,” he replied immediately. “I— They loved this place.”

“Do you?”

“I do,” he said, the words coming out unsure. “Or… I did, and I want to again. I have to.”

Lilly hummed in understanding.

Jack shook his head. “Even if I did wanna leave, where could I go? Ain’t got no money, or… or anything.”

“I don’t know,” Lilly said. “But wherever you decide to stay”— she squeezed his hand— “I’ll be there with you. You can count on that.”

Her promise tugged at his heart, soothing one of the deepest wounds inside of it and filling his chest with warmth. He glanced down at their interlocked hands, and the feeling intensified. Reaching over, he placed his free hand on top of hers and held on tighter. Lilly followed suit, tightening her grip on him.

Jack locked eyes with her again, sucking in his lips to fight back tears as he gave her an expression of gratitude.

He didn’t know what he’d done to deserve this— to deserve a friend like her. She was perfect. Maybe not in the traditional sense of the word but perfect nonetheless— perfect to him. Perfect for him.

Her ability to laugh and wave off all of his social gracelessness. The way she could ramble on about anything, content to let him listen in silence. The sound of her voice and the way the accent in it came out full force when she was passionate about something. Her laugh, her smile…. He could go on for days. It was all just perfect. And he loved her for it; he really did.

He loved her.

The realization hit him hard in the chest, pushing all the air out of his lungs.

It was obvious, wasn’t it? So painfully obvious, yet he’d been too stupid, too in denial, too afraid, to admit it before.

He’d tried so hard to convince himself that everything he felt towards his friend was normal, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t normal how much he cared for her. It wasn’t normal for his heart to jump in his chest every time he looked at her. It wasn’t normal for him to think she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

Snapping back to reality, he realized he was still staring at her face, still holding her hand. She was smiling at him— the softest, sweetest smile he’d ever seen— and it made his stomach flip-flop.

Jack opened his mouth, but he couldn’t get anything to come out. What would he say anyway? What was he supposed to say? He couldn’t even remember what exactly they had been talking about anymore. Every thought he tried to form was drowned out by the increasing thumping of his heart.

He looked away and pulled his hands out of Lilly’s grasp before she could notice the sweat beginning to form on his palms. A glance at her face told him she was disappointed he had done so— or maybe he was just imagining that; he must have been.

Jack stared at the ground, breathing slowly through his nose and trying to ignore the strange tension in the air. He wanted to speak, but for the life of him, he couldn’t remember how.

Lilly folded her hands in her lap and toed the dirt with her shoe, pausing when the coop’s rooster finally made an appearance. It appeared completely uninjured as it waddled up to them, stopping a few feet away to peck at the ground.

Lilly snorted. “Look who’s decided to show up.” She crossed her arms and leaned forward, getting closer to the rooster’s eye level. “Of course this little asshole would survive.”

The rooster paused and cocked its head at her.

“Yeah, I’m talkin’ ‘bout you, buddy,” she said, a laugh hiding behind her mock-serious tone. “The fuck happened here? Aren’t you supposed to protect the hens? What have you got to say for yourself?”

It stared blankly at her.

Lilly clicked her tongue and shook her head. “Despicable.”

The absurdity of that exchange helped greatly to ease some of the tension Jack felt, and he managed a small, vaguely distracted laugh. He kept his head down, but he could feel her turn to look at him again, likely once again wearing that smile that kept turning him to mush.

When she spoke again after a few moments of silence, her voice was softer. “You can go back to bed if you want. I’ll clean all this up.”

Jack frowned, scanning over the mess around them. “I should clean it up,” he murmured. “S’my fault.”

Lilly tsked, rose to her feet with a soft groan, and moved to stand in front of him. “I think you’ve got enough on your shoulders,” she said, placing her hands on his shoulders and giving them a squeeze. “Just let me take care of it, okay?”

He finally worked up the courage to look at her, finding a reassuring warmth in her eyes. Those pretty green eyes….

God, help him.

Jack swallowed and broke eye contact. “Okay.”

She stepped away, allowing him the space to stand up. Keeping his eyes to the ground, he bid her a quick goodnight and rushed back to his bedroom.

#jack marston #adult jack marston #my writing #//my blessed son

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