ririretry

[ririretry]

A Brand Freaking New Year

My mom told me and my brother that we have to come up with some New Year's resolutions by the end of the week. I haven't started thinking about it, which is totally fine.

"It's only Wednesday," she says with no idea with what she wants her resolutions to be.

I'm not one that believes in New Year's resolutions. I used to, but then sometime, somewhere, someone on the internet told me that they're unsustainable. MAKES TOTAL SENSE! I agree! We write down a bunch of fluff that we think we can tackle by the end of the year, and by the 3rd week, we give up. That and my favorite argument that I always used was the whole, "why do you need one day to define your whole year" thing. Like, someone can make goals at any day of the year, why does it have to be January 1st - "if you really wanted to reach your goal, you'd start right now." And yeah, I get all of the sentiment. I understand. We're all little weak-minded individuals that need instant change and gratitude and can't handle the necessary means that it takes to set goals, fulfill them, and continue trudging through a generally sucky world.

But, here I am! About to write down some resolutions. I really think that I can do it this year. Looking back, I did do a few things on my vIsiOn BoaRd considering I looked at that thing once. It was very pretty.

ANyway. On with it

1. Reestablish healthy levels of dopamine

My only issue is my phone consumption and automatically, my social media consumption. THROUGH the roof. Embarrassingly too high. Makes me sick, frustrated, and unruly. I hate going on my phone, but I literally cannot help it. It really do be an addiction, so I'm gonna do whatever it takes to actually not be obsessed with my phone. Starting rn!! Timers to Snapchat and Youtube were set. I deleted Instagram off my phone because that's honestly an easier one to delete. Twitter and Instagram are still on my laptop, and I'm gonna keep that because I'm easily less likely to go on my laptop to scroll on the media. I also don't watch Youtube on my laptop that much?

2. Become my own best friend

Haha! I hate myself! Nothing new, but I’ve been slowly becoming my own friend again. Not yelling at myself all the time - allowing myself to make mistakes - not expecting perfection - not invalidating my own feelings - trying to build my own confidence again - being sure of my words and self even if I’m unsure, being sure of my uncertainty..... A lot. Yanno maybe take myself out on dates and make time for me. I just want to trust myself again, and be my own friend. I deserve that level of respect and love to myself especially if I provide that for my friends. 

3. Invest in my hobbies, skills, and interests

With my newly established dopamine, I will also make more times for things that matter in my life such as: painting, drawing, guitar, bass, podcasting, writing on here perhaps, etc.. This goes hand in hand with my first resolution, so hopefully this comes naturally. I am a little nervous because I have neglected these things before as I’ve gone on this journey multiple times. I am going to have to figure out how I’m going to allot time to these things. These things require effort, and being on my phone did not. I’m naturally a tired person, but maybe that was my phone. I dunno! We will SEE!

4. Create meaningful relationships

I haven’t been the type to maintain friendships. I’ve gotten better. I have three solid lifetime friendships, which is more than most people can say and I’m so endlessly grateful for them. I have 4-6 solid good friends, which is also awesome, and a bunch of acquaintances that easily could be great friends had I put a little more effort. I’m not looking for more friends because I am very content with the people that I have, but I do want to make every interaction I have with someone meaningful and positive. This requires a little more effort in reaching out, keeping and making plans, and establishing a solid friendship even if it doesn’t last forever. I say this mostly because I’ve closed myself off to people - mostly unintentional, and I want to understand others more. 

5. Mind, body, soul

Journal/Read, exercise/eat healthy, pray

Seems self explanatory, I’m pretty decent at like 1.5 of them. Praying is gonna be tough, but I do want to appreciate it more. But that want must turn into action, so I will pray. Maybe just listen at first, which I have done, but seriously like. It’s another outlet. I love my religion and what it stands for, so I should make time. 

6. Understand my career better

 Side quest, but a very important side quest. I wanna know what I might get into. How to do it. What can I do to understand it, so I wanna take a lot of time to really dig in and invest in my future. 

FINGERS CROSSED FOR NEW HORIZONS

#newyears

[ririretry]

I'm so desperately in love with him.

In a way that he's on an island, and I'm on a boat, passing him by.

And he watches me too, as he cups his hands into circles and mimics binoculars

Looking, noticing, but not in the same way

It's not something that's sustainable, and he is no unrenewable source

He is a subtle heartache that will never be more

[ririretry]

AVATAR

ANYWAY...

Avatar 2 was pretty epic. SO blue. SO stunning. I luv Jake. Tbh I wanted more Neytiri. Also more Kiri and Jake scenes because daughter-father relationships are important. I cried. Luv/h8 Spider - he's dumb fr. I also liked how there was no blatant romantic scenes, which shows the tragedies and brutality of war and stuff. Like yeah there were subtle couples (besides obvious marriages), but yeah it was nice to just focus on family <3.

[ririretry]

i am da issue

I find myself realizing that the issues in my life have nothing to do with the things in my life, but actually just me.

I'm also not the issue either. The issue is my mindset. I think I'm getting better at it though. I'm recognizing my actions, thoughts, and feelings. I don't think I'm moving backwards per se. I think I am genuinely moving forward with my life.

I don't think I'd ever admit that before. That I'm moving forward. I am. I am confident that I can choose to be content with these emotions of sadness and great longingness for comfort. I don't think it's too late to "start over." I don't think I'm hopeless. I don't think I'm a lost cause. I think this might just be the beginning.

[ririretry]

Sharing Online

I can write. I am a good writer. I enjoy writing!

I say this as I write simple sentences.

The point is... I loved writing on here. Reading back on a few of my old posts, I realize how much value I have even if no one really reads these posts. The question is, do I write so that others can read, or do I write in hopes of others finding it?

I consider myself a creative person when it comes to expression. I paint, draw, podcast, write, etc.., yet my qualms come in when I have to figure out if I want to publicize it. In the past, I struggled with creating for an audience rather than creating for myself. I think I have come to the point where I am able to create for myself without worrying, "what if they don't like it," yet at the same time, I just don't put in the effort to truly put out my works.

Sharing online isn't easy by any means. People criticize, people praise, people cancel each other, etc.. The combinations are endless, which is both fortunate and unfortunate. I have never really received any online criticism, but I am also uncomfortable sharing online because as much as I am pouring my thoughts onto this platform right now... Quite ironic. I think I feel better on Tumblr because I feel like none of you know me. There is a sense of anonymity since I know none of my high school peers will take the time to read this.

Besides the point

I was reading something just now, and I think another reason why I am cautious with expressing online is because I don't believe that my art, writing, or voice is that important.

BUT IT IS!

My thoughts, stories, art, feelings, opinions, and anything in between are just as important as any one else's. I don't know where I got the idea that *I* don't matter! I matter just as much as anyone else on this planet. My self-worth doesn't have to go down the drain just because it's... me?

There's no reason for me to think this - except maybe I think my art isn't good enough? At the same time, I don't really care about my art style, or at least enough for me to think that it's not worthy of being shared.

Sharing online means that I have to be vulnerable, but I also enjoy my privacy. Where is the fine line between privacy and vulnerability online. In my opinion, I think Emma Chamberlain does a great job with keeping her private and intimate life off of the internet, but still discuss what she wants without revealing too much. I really admire her as a person.

Another point is what if my thoughts are unoriginal and boring... That is another fear... that I have.... Look, I know that everyone's experience is unique... well. That's it. Everyone's expression is valid. That means... I am valuable and what I have to say is valuable. I just have to believe that.

Anyway, going back to my original question:

do I write so that others can read

/ or do I write in hopes of others finding it?

I think a better question is:

Do I create to purposefully gain an audience

/ or do I create and naturally find my audience?

I think I have to think on that a little bit more.

#sharingonline #creativity #vulnerable

[ririretry]

i'm starting over

I hate how something huge needs to happen in order to realize all the wrong things I've been doing.

I've quite literally strayed so far from myself that I either...

1. just don't recognize myself anymore 2. continue to just disappoint those around me 3. ruin relationships and connections w/ people 4. don't really even know what I value or care about anymore

I guess that's the exciting part of growing up. I just never thought that I would fall into the despair of questioning my own morals, values, beliefs, and decisions because I thought I was *so* strong.

#startingmylifeover

[ririretry]

I went to the beach with my friends today. It was a little chilly, but very beautiful.

#beach

[ririretry]

Things

I do a lot of things

I never realize how many things I do until I write them down

[ririretry]

I often catch myself watching people progress in their lives, doing the things they enjoy and love, and me staying stagnant, unable to move forward.

[ririretry]

The Power The Weather Has

The grasp that Mother Nature has on me is justifiably annoying yet understandable. We're living on Mother Nature's Earth, and so she decides our wellbeing.

I'm honestly just annoyed because I'm happier now that the weather is warmer. I feel like I can not say "nicer" or "more beautiful" because I do not want to insult Mother Nature and her other seasons. Fall is beautiful. Winter is beautiful (for the most part).

I'm annoyed because I want to enjoy life 24/7, 365, but the weather does not allow that to happen! I can only enjoy it for 6.5 months, which... is actually a longish time. It just does not seem long.

The good times go by quicker.

Anyway, I feel more productive and alive, but I do not want to rely on 6.5 months of the year to feel this way.

I suppose that is an issue to overcome 6.5 months later from now.

[ririretry]

I have to learn to give the right time to myself. It's actually really easy to be alone and chill out, but I'm not using that time correctly.

Doom-scrolling is not a healthy coping mechanism, or remotely relaxing.

I have to learn how to use that time for self-healing and self-discovery.

#selflove #self discovery #self destruction

[ririretry]

I remember what I wanted to tell you, except I can't and you'd already started snoring.

[ririretry]

The Journey Begins?

Day 1 of trying to love myself:

I am nervous (I learned how to say that in Spanish: Estoy nervioso) because I am highly encouraged - forced - to start loving myself. I guess I have tried to embark on this journey before. Still, they were all short-lived because I had other things to do - school, social life (or lack thereof), dealing with extracurriculars, another myriad of excuses that I thought of to avoid this.

I knew from the beginning that this is going to be complicated because a part of me enjoys the chaos, and that is because I feel like people like disturbed or vulnerable people. I do not know why; I suppose I appreciate the attention and feeling like people want to fix me or something. There definitely is some psychological thing related to that. I guess I felt like that people did not want to be around confident people because there is nothing to fix about them. Are we drawn to people we want to repair or confident people? I think to some, I exude false confidence, which is fine, but it is easier to be harsher on people that have themselves figured out because I think people either love or dislike confident people. Just as happiness is a choice, unhappiness is a choice as well, and I feel that I am just so used to hating myself and finding flaws that I have accepted it as my norm. That is bad! It is all a habit anyway. Just have to make a new one, I suppose.

My thoughts are very much over the place as I reflect. I am aware of my own sadness and lack of self-love and maybe why I do it. I never know the right way to begin. I am very much the sort of person that needs directions and steps to do something. I know I can research and look up hundreds of sources online, but that is overwhelming.

What if I love myself wrong?

Which part of me should I start at?

What do I need to fix first?

I gather that my lack of starting relates to my lack of self-confidence and assurance that I can do it. I am very open to change - physical change that is; mental and emotional change scares me. I am so terrified to change. :(

Weirdly enough, though, I think I am in tune with my emotions. I am not afraid to let them occur naturally, i.e., allowing myself to cry in every movie I watch because it is emotional. That's a plus, maybe.

I have to go to class now.

- Riri

#journeytoselflove #day1 #thisishard #learningtolove

[ririretry]

half baked green knight tarot card ideas

[ririretry]

Sirens of Titan!

Kurt Vonnegut scares me. Slaughterhouse Five not only ruined my perception of him, but also the perception of myself because of how abstract his writing seemed to me. Not gathering the relevance of prior historical knowledge set me up to utter confusion and disappointment reading this book in eighth grade. Also the fact that I did not think I was mature enough to be able to read his book in the first place.

I was young. I never enjoyed history or abstract writing- whatever that may be - until high school. I am sure that if I read the book again, I would be thoroughly intrigued.

That being said, I embarked on another Vonnegut novel, Sirens of Titan. Last year I started reading the book during Quarantine, and I do not know why I stopped reading it - I do not think I could focus on reading it amidst a pandemic.

Fast forward to college, and I am trying to finish reading all the books I did not get to finish in highschool/ been putting off because I have been lazy. . . . Going into the school year, I already had my forbearance against rereading Sirens of Titan, but I pushed through. . . .

I loved this book! Sadly I did not write down any quotes that stuck out to me, but this book gave me great Rosencrantz and Guildenstern vibes only because of the subtle discussions of existentialism and the universe.

Malachi travels from Earth to Mars to Mercury to Earth to Titan, a moon in Saturn’s orbit.

Understanding the multiple layers that Vonnegut must have had when creating this entire adventure - sci fi - commentary novel about our purpose in life, I cannot help but wonder if I like Malachi Constant or not. I think his purpose in the story is to reflect us. There was one point near the falling action of the novel where I pondered: [paraphrased] Malachi Constant could not think of one good thing he has done.

I am sure that we can all think of one good thing that we have done, but in the sense who are we to judge what kind of person we think we are. Actually, it might be two-fold: our opinions of ourselves matters, but also how we treat others and their opinions of us matters, as well. That was a mouthful. All I am saying is that the good that we think we do could be done more.

Malachi was “I was a victim of a series of accidents, as are we all.”

This line was repeated by Malachi when he returned to Earth, and it is endearing. This quote reminds me of Bob Ross because the connotation of “accidents” can be good or bad. Happy Little Accidents vs Bad accidents. Whatever one it was, it makes me feel almost safe in a way. The universe is so fast and unyielding that perhaps we are all accidents that happened to live and love each other on the same timeline, which leads me to the next line that I found online:

“It took us that long to realize that a purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved.” All the times love was mentioned in the novel, it was a task and not very glamorous, but I had not realized that there were so many more subtleties that love comes through as. The novel shows us love prevails all if we so choose to notice who is around us through it all.

The novel moved through space and time taking my attention with it because of how structured it was. Malachi’s downfall as a modern day anti-hero reflects us as we both try to accept fate and find our own sense of free-will within it. How much is written in the stars, and how much is up to us?

Vonnegut has created the universe that we wonder and ponder today as a place of mysticism and a place of which is an all-knowing that both watches how we exist. Everything that happens in his book, has happened, already happened, and will happen, which is how we live our lives now.

I could talk about the novel more than I could write about it.

Kurt Vonnegut does not scare me anymore.

- Riri

#kurtvonnegut #vonnegut #sirensoftitan #writing #reading

[ririretry]

This is Satisfaction

I never understood why I want everything to go my way. Had my life gone the way I wanted, I know I would be deeply unsatisfied - quite ironic. I think change and I were always good friends; we understand each other. Even though Change likes to bully me around sometimes, I think we have a connection that I would love to believe is rare in today's time.

It is always endearing to see myself or others try to make things go our way because as much as we claim to be selfless, we are selfish. Tugging and pulling between our self-interest and the natural occurrences of life constantly dissatisfies us. I feel like on a daily basis, we are dissatisfied. It is only when we give up our humility for others, ourselves, and life - whatever life is.

Had I realized this humility at the beginning of high school, I think I would be more satisfied with myself rather than feeling satisfied through superficial success. Understanding that particular attention of extrinsic factors allowed me to reach good opportunities, I still never felt enough for me. I did not have a chance to love myself or find others to share my love with.

Taking a risk in October, I reached out. I met a friend. Going into this, I was dissatisfied with myself. I had no friends. I wanted this. I knew this would change my life forever, and I embraced it. Embracing this friendship could possibly be one of the greatest decisions I have ever made. My first best decision was taking German class in 7th grade instead of Mandarin. Because of this one person, I learned to accept that I need to feel my soul much more than I need to be subjected to the semi-punishable crime of public schooling.

I started doing things that I love and fed my creativity more than ever. My friend showed me how to relax and force me to realize that things are not as deep as we wish them to be. Life is not that deep. It is enjoyable to make life bigger than us, but we are living within life; therefore, it is not as beyond as we think it is. Life just is not that deep. It is not worth fussing about.

Among this friend were two more friends that have similarly added a great deal of joy and opportunities to learn about myself. I learned about balance; I learned about addiction; I learned about trust; I learned about valuing each different person and relationship as isolated entities.

That is another thing. From November to now, I learned about valuing each person that I meet as their own person. I never, ever compare my friends in importance, time, or effort. Each friend I have has their own purpose, value, and place in my heart that no other friend that I have can provide.

At this point, I believe that I am rambling.

All I believe right now is that I am satisfied that I embraced change. Had you told me at the beginning of high school that I would be the person I am today, I would not have believed you. That may be why I am emotional right now. I surprised myself. I am finally satisfied with myself, and I am ready to move on.

-Riri

#satisfaction #learningaboutyourself #movingon #ilovemyfriends #friendship #change #embracingchange #satisfied #happy

[ririretry]

leaving soon