sarahhail

[sarahhail]

hot mess

my father shot and killed himself. july 17th 

still can’t believe that is a sentence i am forever going to have to say. nothing will ever be able to change that fact. my father shot and killed himself. july 17th

only in certain circumstances have i ever spoke about it. never written  about it. in five days it will make five years since he committed suicide. since he quit. 

the details, in the long run, don’t matter. and if they matter to you, have fun googling that. the details mean nothing when your parent gives up.

no one, nothing, prepares you for that kind of loss. and it never gets easier. 

my pastor once told me that suicide is not a wound that eventually heals and scars. rather, it is a bruise. and it is there forever. you can walk around with it and function. but at some point, something will press or push against it, and you feel the hurt and ache all over again.

he was so right. 

five years later, and i can feel the waves of grief trying to carry me away. the undertow of mourning so strong, i don’t want to function. five years later, still so raw and feeling the current that looks so inviting to just drift away and not care about anything or anyone anymore. to want to just hide away in a dark, deep abyss of loss and despair.

i can still hear my own scream when i found out what he had done. i can still hear my baby sister crying and asking, “what are we going to do without a daddy?” i was 27 weeks pregnant with our son when he did this... i can still feel my body shaking as I held my newborn son, Jackson, and falling onto the hospital floor, while Mark went to go get the car, and crumbling because he would never meet my father. i don’t think i’ve ever told him about that moment. but it is etched into me forever. i have days where i am playing with Aubree’s hair, running my fingers through it, like my daddy used to do with mine and lose my breath because he will never do that to her. and now... now with another baby girl in my womb, due any moment, so close to the day that i have hated for the last five years... july 17th

i’m a hot mess.... like a heated mess so what once was a little messy is now ever messier. i have been for several weeks now. between this scorching summer, kids out of school, being extremely pregnant and getting ready to become a party of five... yeah, just a ridiculous, crying, can’t keep it together mess! 

i have no control. 

and it has just been destroying my heart and spirit lately.

my ED is ALL about control. i’m sure i’ve mentioned that. it has been the only way i have known how to cope with my life circumstances for 19 of the years of my life. everything else could fall apart, but i could control food, my body, my weight, how people saw me. 

in recovery now, i’m trying to navigate this new way of living life and giving the Lord, the Holy Spirit, the son of God - complete control

so, i’ve been trying to cling to any shred of control that i can find. my poor family. they have got to be over my nesting. over my need to know every detail of everything. and my dr must be exhausted with me and my need to go to the hospital every other day because i am so determined to have this baby before july 17th. 

i do not write this in order to be given antidotes or scripture references. believe me. i know them. i’ve recited them and repeated them. i have looked at the positive spin and perspective. i realize that God can take that date and it be turned into joy.  i’m well aware that the Lord has a plan, His own timing, and it is better than mine. that babies do better the longer they are in utero. i’m not without knowledge....

but how many of us have had the Truth in front of us and still try to say, “i know better. i want different”?

we all want control in some form or capacity. it all goes back to the garden. eve and adam were tempted and told that they could know more, be more, have more and take control of their own lives. it is infected in us to want that control over ourselves. and salvation, is the total opposite.

i’m grateful for a husband who knows my heart so well and holds me to a standard where i can’t go without the Word. he said i must get into my bible TODAY. so i did. and i felt prompted by the Holy Spirit to read Psalm 40. 

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,    and he turned to me and heard my cry. 2 He lifted me out of the pit of despair,    out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground    and steadied me as I walked along. 3 He has given me a new song to sing,    a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed.    They will put their trust in the Lord.

4 Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,    who have no confidence in the proud    or in those who worship idols. 5 O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.    Your plans for us are too numerous to list.    You have no equal. If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,    I would never come to the end of them.

it is funny because i thought He would take me to a verse about how to be in the waiting. something to encourage my soul AS i wait now... but no. instead He took me to a verse that rejoices in the need, the want, the desire, the cry already being met.

in no way have i been patiently waiting for this girl to come into the world. my desire to get this baby out of me has been pretty unattractive. i look back now and feel pretty terrible about it. and this girl isn’t helping matters. she is a tease and can’t decide when to come out. my days are long, filled with contractions and no progress... 

i reread these verses over and over again and am just in awe of His goodness. i have so much to be thankful for, a cup overflowing with blessings as i just look around my room, not to mention my love, my family, my church, possessions... i could go on and on. including how fortunate i am to be with child and we are healthy. 

am i now 100% better? over my grief? no longer broken hearted by july 17th? past my desires to do whatever it takes to get this girl out of me before sunday? 

yeah... no. i’m human. but, i’m getting there dressed in His grace.

and of course, our God loves songs, so He brought one forth through my sweet sister, Nicole. it is absolutely the cry of my heart right now. a song of waiting and praising and struggling and still worshipping in the midst of... 

https://youtu.be/hrSJwO5dJXg

[sarahhail]

granny

recovery has had its ups and downs. it isn’t a surprise to me. i’ve had an addiction and coping mechanism for 19 years, so I knew that it would be difficult. and by the grace of God and the blood of Jesus and the Holy Spirits power, i am still without incident over 400 days in. i claim no glory. i can’t boast in my own name one single bit. Romans 15:18, Paul said, “Yet I dare not boast about anything except what Christ has done through me…“ - and i am right there with him. i am amazed by the power that the Holy Spirit has given me to fight the good fight in all circumstances.

but i have had doubt.

about 6 months into recovery, i felt that the Lord was beckoning us to expand our family with a 3rd child. and i rejoiced! sadly, in my other pregnancies, i was still active in my disorder. to be honest, i often used morning sickness as an excuse to perpetuate my disease. eating for 2 was a gross understatement. i was an awful caregiver to my children in the womb. i literally stole food from them. i often would cry on my bathroom floor after a bender of eating and purging and grasp my belly, praying that God would spare them; that they not come out malnourished or in my terms, “messed up”

i still look into their faces and am in awe that God was faithful to me, despite my disobedience - defiling my body, the one He created for me. they are healthy, happy and know nothing of fearing food, hearing the word “fat” or “diet” or wondering if they are loved.

so when God blessed us with another babe in my womb, i was ecstatic. here was my opportunity to honor Him. to experience the beauty of pregnancy, embrace my growing body and see myself as beautiful. to nourish my child and care for it the way God intended. this was going to be the best 9 months of my life! glory to the King!

the first couple of months were great. i was able to experience glorious freedom in food and fellowship and celebration over the life inside of me. i conquered many fears and ate things I hadn’t in years.

and then my pants didn’t fit…

i’m 22 weeks in, and this time around has been a complete mess of emotions. i literally feel the arrows of the enemy fly at me in the form of lies from the world, expectations that make no sense whatsoever for pregnancy and fear that my body will never be the same. i have called myself names and pushed the envelope pretty far when it comes to the disorder. at one point last week, i truly believed i was going to regress.

and then we got a phone call that marks granny was about to pass away.

death snapped me out of that destructive spiral real quick. we got in the car and drove to her home in somerset, ky and were able to say goodbye in worship around her bedside. it was one of the most beautiful things i’ve ever been apart of. her family from ages 2 to 62 singing hymns and praying and saying goodbye.

she stepped into Glory the next day, March 19th, at 3pm.

the viewing was today. and it moved in me in a way i wasn’t expecting. as i sat and listened to many, many people speaking highly of granny… not one person said a word about what she looked like in this life. no one commented on the fact that she was a size ___ when she was 35 years old. no one spoke of what kind of fashion she wore, or that in some pictures on the slideshow she maybe was heavier than in other pictures. no one talked about the size of her butt, bust, waist… all they talked about was how much she loved Jesus, loved the word of God, loved to teach it to others, how she led people to Christ and the legacy she left by means of Kingdom impact.

i sat in the pew feeling like i got slapped in the face with an act right stick; as in “you better start acting right”

not really. it was more gentle than that. i came to a realization that stressing about fitting in my pants is a waste of time. worrying about how i look will not bring people to the altar of God. and that this baby inside of me will be apart of my story and legacy. all of my babies will be.

i was brought to tears thinking about how this woman made such a difference in so many lives through Christ. and that in the end, nothing else mattered. she couldn’t take her home, which we have been staying at, with her. the clothes she wore, her hairstyle, would not impact whether or not she was able to enter Heaven. Her size on this earth wasn’t going to define how she is worshipping Him with no pain or suffering.

i was in tears at one point, with an overwhelming sense of pride for a woman who i only interacted with a handful of times. i’m proud to call myself a grandchild of hers, even by marriage. she has no clue that her life is impacting my walk in this moment. that her faithfulness and love to our King is guiding me back to His grace in the wake of her death. that He has used her to help remind me of what a good God He is and that a life devoted to Him is priceless.

Lord, i pray, boldly, that i can leave a legacy like that of Helen Christine Hail. that when i leave this body, that my body will be the last thing anyone cared about. i ask that you keep showing me what really matters; a heart that looks like Yours, a desire to show love and mercy to Your people and the tenacity to finish this race well by means of caring only about what pleases and honors You.

“The hot sun rises and the grass withers; the little flower droops and falls, and its beauty fades away. In the same way, the rich will fade away with all of their achievements.” ‭‭James‬ ‭1:11‬ ‭NLT‬‬ http://bible.com/116/jas.1.11.nlt

“But as I looked at everything I had worked so hard to accomplish, it was all so meaningless—like chasing the wind. There was nothing really worthwhile anywhere.” ‭‭Ecclesiastes‬ ‭2:11‬ ‭NLT‬‬ http://bible.com/116/ecc.2.11.nlt

“Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can’t take anything with us when we leave it.” ‭‭1 Timothy‬ ‭6:6-7‬ ‭NLT‬‬ http://bible.com/116/1ti.6.6-7.nlt

[sarahhail]

A Living Sacrifice

And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice--the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Romans 12:1

i have been a mess about this scripture for several days now. not like a sweep it up and put in trash mess. like hot hot, runny cant wipe it up fast enough, out of control mess. my brain has been going back to it over and over again.

do i do this? have i done this? if i haven’t, do i actually want to? have i given my body to God BECAUSE of ALL HE has done FOR ME?! is my body a living and holy sacrifice? what is a living and holy sacrifice?! why does my brain hurt?!

what does that look like?

does this mean to legalistically eat clean and exercise every day? gluten-free? paleo? low carb? south beach? does this mean i must be a certain size, weight, have low blood pressure and cholesterol? crossfit? zumba? color run? pilates? if my body is participating in these things, will it then be acceptable to Him? will that be a holy sacrifice?

as someone who is in recovery for an ED, i’ve been pretty jacked up by this. you might think that because i am so active in my Jesus-loving community, that the language around me would be one of acceptance, not only for others but for myself. however, the constant language that surrounds me doesn’t change when it comes to body image, diets, good food, bad food. yes we claim, “love God, love people” but when it comes to ourselves.. it is a sham. loving ourselves is impossible when we take this scripture to a place where the only way for the body to be a holy sacrifice is IF it is (fill in the blank). 

the conversations that the local church is having these days is heartbreaking. here we stand with arms high and heart abandoned in corporate worship for 15-20 minutes and hear teaching and listen but then once service is over, we begin to count steps and calories. 

i have been with men and women whose testimonies are packed with painful pasts that find riveting redemption from our Father God. they have been able to experience forgiveness in a powerful capacity and now walk in freedom.. but the impact one donut or pumpkin spice latte can have on their day is so detrimental to their spirit! it is so painful to see. 

today i read this scripture, yet again, and i began to explore what it looks like to give my body to the Lord.

when i choose to wake with a positive attitude and have no agenda, other than to please Him, that is giving my body to God. when i choose to eat food that will give me energy and fuel my walk with Christ, that is giving my body to God. when i let go of the world’s expectations of what i should and shouldn’t eat and genuinely enjoy food and the company i sit with around the table, that is giving my body to God. because it is all about HIM and not me. when i choose not to be lazy but be intentional, that is giving my body to God. 

and this doesn’t have to tie into exercise. it means getting up and getting Mark a drink when he is thirsty. taking the time to sit and wait with Jackson for the mailman to come. carrying Aubree up the stairs even when i am tired. sitting patiently and listening to my Mom, even when i am tired and have used up all of my words. even something as simple as not answering a text when speaking to a friend face to face - these are all examples of giving my body to God.

1 corinthians 6:19 gets thrown around like a commandment, “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;”  

temples are structures created to hold spiritual activities such as prayer and sacrifice! not a structure that is meant only for bikini season or squats! it is a place for the Holy Spirit to whisper Gods intentions for your life! not to shame you because you ate pizza! 

the Truth is my body is not my own. and for me to present it to the Lord as a holy sacrifice = selfless service. each act of service, great or small, whether it is to serve someone else, or serves a means to glorify the Lord THAT IS A SACRIFICE! and when we do this, we are worshipping.

how wrong this world has it. how many times have we allowed the lies of this world to take this specific scripture and felt ashamed because of our size or body type or what we eat and drink? how many of us have genuinely been striving to chase and hold onto the Robe of Righteousness only to see this scripture and let go because the meal we previously had wasn’t “good enough”

the fact is that we will NEVER be a good enough sacrifice. Jesus was better and that’s why He came. we will NEVER be pure or clean enough. Jesus was better, so that’s why His blood was the exceptional cleanser of our salvation. HE is the sacrifice of all sacrifices and the greatest server of all! HE ransomed our freedom and bought our eternal lives. HE has served us eternity! the least we can do is respond in service to Him and to one another. giving our bodies fully to Him and allowing Him to guide our steps and choices, even in food. He wants to truly be apart of every decision that we make, every morsel we consume and every encounter we have and the words that leave our lips... this scripture is begging us to give Him all of us because He wants it and He deserves it. 

So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.  1 Corinthians 10:31

this piece of scripture is after Paul encourages the people of Corinth that when they are interacting with non-believers, to always be thankful and give glory to God. it is touching on meals, specifically. that when we are eating with unbelievers of Christ, jew or gentile, that we meet them where they are and eat what is laid before us and be thankful. because it is all about the relationship. it is all about love. it is all about serving and it is all about the One who sacrificed.

#recovery #jesus #eatingdisorder

[sarahhail]

200 days

200 days.

it has been 200 days since i last succumbed to the enemies lies that i am unworthy of love and the only way to deal is to purge.

this is by far the longest amount of time that i have gone consecutively without forcing myself to purge my meals.

it is overwhelming to be in this place. this place is so foreign but utterly beautiful. i had gotten to this point in my life where i truly believed that change was impossible. there was no hope. i had light everywhere else but in this one spot. and that dark spot, was all consuming. bending to a will that was not my own or Gods. prisoner in my body. and the devil was holding the keys. and God was just letting me go through it to teach me a lesson.

i was wrong. so very wrong.

you see, i have begun to discover more about the true character of God in the last 6 months than i have in the last 6 years. i went from relying on people and their expectations and opinions and began to really examine scripture. i went from reading my bible 15 minutes a few times a week, to now needing it daily. needing is the key word. it has become an essential, like air, food, water. without it, i grow weary. i had always heard of this kind of dependence on the Lord, but just thought it would eventually come. i would grow a taste for it, if you will. but now, it is the most incredible thing i can consume daily.

i will probably never be able to truly decipher and put into words what all i have experienced and felt and heard from my Father God. it is just too much. but this is one of the most powerful things i have been given… freedom.

“So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to Him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death.” Romans 8:1-2

even after surrendering my life to follow Jesus, i still felt the shackles of my past and present sins. they were disgusting, grimy, heavy and squeaky. each squeak with my movements of trying to break free were lies and whispers from the enemy. they would squeak things like, fatty, slut, idiot, spoiled, good for nothing, dramatic, liar, cheater, selfish, bitch. and i would sit in my cell, eat my food, stare in the mirror as i heard the lies and felt fear that they were true and throw up every single hurt i had inside of me. and then sit down on the dirty floor and pray that God would come free me.

but i was already free. when i gave myself to the Lord, i became free. because i belong to Him, the Holy Spirit freed me from the power of sin! and i had heard that but it never truly made sense until this season of life. i am free! the cell door has been opened the whole time! Jesus has been standing there, swinging the keys in between His fingers, waiting. all i had to do was push it open! i have been sitting in this prison and i have the ability to leave whenever i want. it is my choice! the shackles have no power! the squeaks are lies. and once i realized that, they fell off. and i walked out. and every morning, i choose to not walk back in there.

some days, i get tempted. i am human. i walk back in the cell sometimes and look around. i even pick up the shackles. they still call to me. i even have days where i miss the heaviness of them on me. and the lies seem easier to believe. stockholm style. but then i look back and see my Savior, standing there with the keys, waiting for me with open arms and a sweet smile. He doesn’t shame or condemn me for wandering back into my prison. and if i ever do falter and lock myself back up, in His unfailing love for me, Jesus will still be standing there waiting for me to come back to Him. but now that i know what freedom truly feels like, i can’t imagine going back. it is just so good.

i’m no longer a slave to fear. i am a child of God.

you want to hear this song. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XxkNj5hcy5E

#nolongerslaves bethel eatingdisorder recover

[sarahhail]

20 years

Today is my birthday. I am 32 years old. And it is the first birthday in 20 years that my eating disorder will not win. 

WILL NOT WIN!

Will… That word. It is bold. It is determined. It is an absolute. It. Is. Faith. 

Will can express the future tense. As in, “I will never regret this healing”. Will can express a strong intention or assertion about the future; such as, “come what may, I will succeed". Will can express inevitable events, like, “it will be hard”. But this has come to be my favorite part about will; it expresses facts about ability or capacity. 

My abilities are nothing. Pointless. Because none of them are of me. None of them belong to me. I have no power. None. Finding that out seven years into my faith walk was a real kick in the butt. I had heard that a lot. Not sure if I just was looking out the window every time someone told me that. Or I was just still thinking I could have the best of the lost and saved. Saved by Grace but still in control. Silly Sarah.

But God is good. And with that word, “will”, it carries the magnitude of “promise”. 

So many doubt how faithful and good God is. But, man, does He always come thru with His promises.

The word, “will”, is in the Bible between 5,000-7,000 times, depending on your translation. 

If you ever want to doubt God’s promises, go look up the word will. It is incredibly beautiful. Because in that small word is an astounding depiction of God’s almighty character. Old Testament God, New Testament God. Same God. Same heart. Same power. All His will. All His promises.

God says over and over, “I will make”, “I will destroy”, “I will take”, “I will give” and so forth…

Thru Jeremiah, God says… “And I will make an everlasting covenant with them: I will never stop doing good for them. I will put a desire in their hearts to worship me, and they will never leave me.” Jeremiah 32:40

Just replace the word “will” with “promise” …

“And I promise to make an everlasting covenant with them: I promise to never stop doing good for them. I promise to put a desire in their hearts to worship me, and promise they will never leave me.” GOD

How flippin’ good is that?!?! The promise of Christ! The promise of goodness! The promise of the desire in our hearts, the Holy Spirit, to worship Him! The promise that He will never leave, abandon, forsake us! Hallelujah!!!

I could go on and on about the power of “will”. Notice I didn’t say will power. Because if you’re in Christ, will power really doesn’t exist, in my opinion. That seems to put the power in your hands. But you truly don’t have it. Only Jesus does. 

I am weak. So weak. Weak. Another word that has been nails on a chalkboard for me most of my life. But now, that is changing. The world says weak is worthless. Weak is a mess. Weak is failure. Good. I want to be weak then. (Look behind me to see if my father, God rest his soul, heard me.) Because that means I have to press. 

I am 92 days without “incident” and I have not done one bit of it on my own. All the glory goes to God. If I have good days, it is only because of His strength. If I have hard days, it is because I am trying to take back the invisible power I believe I can harness. 

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:10

Because I am weak in Christ, I WILL succeed. Not, “I can”, “I could”, “I may”, “I might”… I WILL. I have that faith. I have that promise. 

This battle is literally one day at a time. And each day, I fall more in love with the man who has already set me free. I see myself more. And I am learning to trust Him and believe that what He says is true. 

New song to add to the playlist of Recovery? 

Cornerstone

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yb8qbJLO6ao

I dare not trust the sweetest frame But wholly trust in Jesus Name

Father God, that is my prayer. That I cling to Your thoughts and truth and how You see me and not what the world or a piece of a coated glass that is framed and adorned sees me. And while the past 19 birthdays have been hard God, You were there. And You will be there with me forever. 

You WILL.

#recovery #hillsong #cornerstone

[sarahhail]

Pants-less Press #jacks #ladya @markhail

#ladya #jacks

[sarahhail]

Just a lil jam sesh #jacks #addigrace @edgefam #worshipbabies

#worshipbabies #addigrace #jacks

[sarahhail]

Caught You! #stinker #ladya

#ladya #stinker

[sarahhail]

Lady waiting #ladya

#ladya

[sarahhail]

Evening drive #jacks #ladya #whateverworks

#whateverworks #ladya #jacks

[sarahhail]

Let's get some more views and spread this great song with a unique musician!

PLEASE WATCH & SHARE! Unique opportunity to spread the Gospel! Our son, Jackson. So cool that we got to play and sing to the Lord with him

[sarahhail]

Here is a link to help bring hot meals to Heather! The helper logon is used by family and friends that would like to sign-up to help a loved one. To access Heather Burris & Family's CareCalendar site, visit http://www.carecalendar.org/logon/210562 and enter the following information in the appropriate spaces: Calendar ID : 210562 Security code : 2898

[sarahhail]

This is what it looks like trying to workout at home with an 18 month old #ladya #pushups

#ladya #pushups

[sarahhail]

PLEASE WATCH & SHARE! Unique opportunity to spread the Gospel! Our son, Jackson. So cool that we got to play and sing to the Lord with him

#drums #drummer #kids #musician #christianity #jesus #philwickham #worship #music #joshfarro

[sarahhail]

Not sure if she is our last, so I will soak up as much of this as I can #ladya #spoiled #blessed

#ladya #blessed #spoiled

[sarahhail]

PLEASE WATCH & SHARE! Unique opportunity to spread the Gospel! Our son, Jackson. So cool that we got to play and sing to the Lord with him

#philwickham #jacks #worship #worshipbabies

[sarahhail]

#truth #heard

#heard #truth