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shio-tothemax · 6 years

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History repeats

It’s happening again.

When everyone is being a part of something in the world.

I stumbled again. Staying at the same position while everyone is in motion.

The first time I have ever felt this is in 2012. I was diagnosed with tuberculosis. It literally held me back from engaging in any activity that move me forward. I was alone. Wasting time working in the factory that my father works with. Meanwhile, all of my friends went for their tertiary studies.

Me?

I am just a fucking loser who stay at my parent’s home and waste their fucking money. Every single time I scrolled through Facebook. I saw how far the distance between my friends and myself. I am always an introvert. Not good at socialize. While all this happens to make me feel even more smaller.

About the same timeline, my grandmother passed away and my mother’s eye just got a fucking ulcer on it which is a fucking big deal and later on even when she is recovered. Her vision is permanently damaged unless she goes through cornea transplant which has a risk of failure as well.

These things are the major recipe for brewing the most toxic creation, Depression.

I have struggled with it for many years. I don’t know how to get rid of it. Or surpass it. People have been make it seems so easy to overcome with. But I just couldn’t.

Today, 9th of May is the day, the key moment to decide whether we get the same devil, tyrant that enslaves us for another 60+ years or another devil whose intention is still unknown to everyone. As politician could not be trusted.

Everyone, almost everyone had went back to their respective hometown to cast their vote. To fulfill their responsibility as a citizen of Malaysia.

My friends are asking me did I go back and vote, I replied “No.”

My depression told me that, there are a lot of hatred and discrimination happened after they hear the reply “No”. None of them reply to me anymore, doesn’t interact with me on social media. Don’t even bother to support the drawing I have posted recently.

I just wanted to say, from the bottom of my heart. I really wanted to go back to vote, aside from being a responsibility of a citizen. I wanted to feel the experience of voting as this is my first time that I am qualified to vote. I wanted to be a part of the contribution of triumphing over the tyrant that has stepping on us for so many years.

And the election day was announced very last minutes. Just when I was checking the flight tickets. The tickets are getting priced up. And I hesitate, because the day before and after of 9th of May still has classes. I can’t just buy ticket and fuck everything. This is a short semester and it only has 7 weeks. Imagine if you absent class for one or two time. You are basically almost being barred because of the attendance.

I was about to ask SRC (Student Representative Council) whether we have a holidays around that day but I remembered they are pretty fucking useless anyway because I asked about Chinese New Year holiday too before that. They couldn’t give me an answer because it was too early to ask. Same shit happens again. Almost like one-two week before the election day, they announced 8-10th May are holidays and that doesn’t include Monday which is my volleyball class which also means that I could not go back earlier. The class was also informed cancelled a week before it.

Just when I check with the flight ticket again, it is already expensive as hell. 8th May ticket basically sold out before they announced the holiday. 9th May tickets sell after 4pm. So basically it is fucking useless. I checked for train ticket, Sold out. Don’t even think about bus.

These few day, as I walk on the street. I have only sadness and jealousy when I saw students packed up and drive back to their hometown. Yes, I said DRIVE.

It is a Privilege.

I stopped explained myself to people when they asked me about voting because in their eyes and mind. I am just a fucking piece of shit who gave reasons and excuses. So I am just gonna leave it for them to imagine and judge how fucking shitty person I am. I can’t control.

Not everyone has the privilege of owning a car and can drive back to home whenever they want. Not everyone are financially stable to be able to buy tickets whenever they want despite the high price. I know I shouldn’t complaint how fucking poor I am. But I always wanted to earn by myself even it pays fucking less. Every cent matters to me.

Right now, its just me. In this house. An empty street. Alone. Physically and mentally.

History repeats, I am not a part of this society once again.

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