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chelsfic · 4 years

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Vampire Seeking Familiar - Nandor x Guillermo Fanfic (One-shot)

WWDITS Masterlist

Summary: Nandor places an ad for a human familiar and Guillermo responds. My take on how they first meet!

A/N: I woke up with the urgent need to write this. I was inspired watching Harvey’s AMA where he mentions that maybe Nandor placed an ad on Craigslist for a familiar. Hope you enjoy!

Warnings: Fluff, Crack, Smooching, Light mention of sex (not explicit)

---

"Greetings, peasant. I require your assistance with the electronic computing device."

Nandor hulked over the reference desk, looking like an anachronism standing amidst the dull, institutional decor of the public library. He wore a floor length cape trimmed in gold embroidery over a brocade tunic and deerskin pants. He attempted an awkward smile, putting his fangs on full display.

He wasn't the strangest thing the librarian had seen that day.

“Sure,” she replied with a guarded smile. “What are you trying to do?”

"I am attempting to post an advertisement on a list kept by a man named..." he glanced down at a scrap of paper in his hand, "...Craig."

Ninety painstaking minutes later the librarian breathed a sigh of relief as the strange man finally clicked “publish.”

“Now, you just keep an eye on your email,” she kindly explained, “and wait for someone to respond.”

Nandor’s eyes lit up with a kind of hungry delight as he switched tabs to his empty Hotmail inbox.

“Your assistance has been most appreciated,” he thanked her, reaching into his tunic and flicking a heavy, gold coin in her direction.

She flinched as the coin flew at her head, awkwardly catching it and placing it beside the keyboard.

“You’re welcome, Mr. Relentless. But I can’t accept a tip. Have a nice night.”

She stood up and walked back to her desk with a look of repressed hilarity on her face. She doubted anyone would reply to this guy’s post. But then, she reminded herself, she’d certainly seen stranger things happen…

Nandor clicked refresh and frowned when his email remained stubbornly empty.

---

Vampire’s Familiar (Staten Island)

Attention Mortals!

Do you weary of your pathetic human lives? Do you wish to find purpose in serving your evolutionary superior? Can you lift at least 50 lbs without assistance?

I, Nandor the Relentless, Conqueror of Thousands and Immortal Vampire, seek a human familiar to do my dark bidding. Duties include, but are not limited to, daytime errands, cleaning of a large mansion, laundry, personal valet services, securing the house against sunlight, blowing out candles, and waste disposal. The successful contender will be provided room and board for a fair rate ($1200/month) and the promise of eternal life after their term of service (length TBD).

If you possess the courage, kindly respond by electronic letter.

---

It had to be fake, right?

Guillermo sat in the break room at Panera Bread, idly scrolling through job ads on Craig’s List when the heading “Vampire’s Familiar” caught his eye. For a second he felt his stomach swoop with excitement before he got a hold of himself. It was probably just another jerk looking for attention. Guillermo knew in his heart that vampires were real, despite never having met one in real life. And it was his dearest, secret dream to become one of them. But so far, his internet sleuthing had uncovered nothing but a whole lot of pathetic internet trolls.

But what if this was the one?

He clicked the link, biting his nails as the text of the job posting loaded on the screen. He read through it, a smile tugging on his lips. He really shouldn’t get his hopes up, but his eyes kept darting back to that name. Nandor the Relentless. Conqueror of Thousands. What a cool vampire name.

He opened his Gmail app and started a new message.

---

Dear Nandor the Relentless,

My name is Guillermo de la Cruz and I am writing to you in response to your Craigslist posting seeking a human familiar. I have long been an enthusiastic admirer of vampires and it would be a dream come true to meet one and work for them.

I’m a responsible, hard worker who’s eager to learn new things. While I have never worked as a familiar before, I do have a background in customer service and a Bachelor’s Degree in History from Stony Brook University. I have attached a copy of my resume.

Looking forward to hearing from you,

Guillermo de la Cruz

---

Guillermo suggested they meet at a Panera Bread on Staten Island because it was familiar and, more importantly, public. He was less worried about meeting an immortal, murderous creature of the night than he was about the possibility that the guy could turn out to be a regular human serial killer.

He picked a comfy armchair by the window and sipped his tea while he watched the door, feeling a thrill every time it opened. He was early. If this guy turned out to be the real deal, then he desperately wanted to make a good first impression. When a tall, darkly handsome man with long hair and a cape walked through the door Guillermo gulped and raised his hand in a shy wave.

“Nandor?” he asked, just to be sure.

The man turned to him and there was no mistake. Guillermo’s breath caught in his throat. His skin was pale, almost glowing in the restaurant’s warm lighting. His eyes were dark brown and penetrating. Guillermo felt struck when the vampire’s gaze fell on him, as if he could see straight through him and into the most secret parts of his soul. He stepped closer, looming over Guillermo and looking somehow both self-important and unsure.

“And you are…” Nandor glanced upward, searching for the name. “Guy...Gil...Gilbert?”

“Guillermo,” he corrected with a shy smile. He shifted on his feet and adjusted his glasses nervously. He knew vampires were sexy by nature, of course. But he hadn’t been expecting to feel an immediate attraction to his prospective employer. This guy had his own gravity and he was sucking Guillermo in.

“Guillermo, of course.”

Hearing his name in the vampire’s rich, accented voice sent a tingle down his spine.

“Shall we, uh, sit down?” Guillermo stammered and then smacked a hand to his head, gesturing to the display case of pastries, “Unless you want something…?”

Nandor hissed dramatically and Guillermo got his first good look at his fangs. Honestly, he felt faint. This guy was either an excellent cosplayer or he was for real.

“Vampires cannot consume human food,” Nandor announced with a grimace of disgust. “Lesson number one.”

Nandor sat with a sweep of his cape and Guillermo followed suit.

“Oh! Of course! I have a lot to learn… Mr. Nandor--Mr. Relentless, sir,” Guillermo stammered, finally picking up his tea and taking a big gulp just to shut himself up.

“Master will do just fine,” the vampire replied as he adjusted the fall of his impressive cape around him. “That’s how you’ll refer to me if you get the job.”

“Oh! That’s--um,” Guillermo tilted his head and narrowed his eyes as he pondered the right word, “very...antiquated?”

“Well, hello! I’m a vampire! Kind of comes with the territory,” Nandor scoffed dismissively. “If you’re not interested--”

“No! No, I’m...I’m definitely interested,” Guillermo insisted, blushing furiously at his own words. He was interested...in more ways than one, apparently. He couldn’t stop glancing down at the vampire’s mouth, his full lips and the delicious hint of sharp fangs. God, what would it be like? To be bitten…

Nandor watched as the human’s full cheeks darkened with a blush. He parted his lips and inhaled longingly, scenting the sweet, spicy aroma of the man’s blood and barely suppressing a growl.

He cleared his throat, shifting in his seat and abruptly asking, “So, you want to tell me a bit about why you are wanting to become my familiar?”

The interview--oh my god, I’m having an actual interview with an actual vampire!--flew by somehow. At first, Guillermo was all nervous stammers and sweaty palms, but after a few minutes he couldn’t help the natural urge to gush and he found himself barraging the vampire with fascinated questions. Not just about the job, but about himself. How old was he? Could he fly? Turn into a bat? Use mind control? What about sunlight, was that really a thing? Garlic?

Rather than becoming annoyed, Nandor seemed to preen under the human’s obvious admiration. He held his head high and his word choice became increasingly grandiose as he waxed poetic about his existence as a creature of the night.

As the meeting finally wound down, Nandor turned his deep, liquid eyes on Guillermo, capturing him in his gaze as he spoke.

“Now, Guillermo, you must tell me one thing. If I choose you for this job, are you willing to give up all this,” he gestured around at the interior of the Panera Bread. A cashier wiped down the glass display case and an infant wailed somewhere in the back of the dining area. “And come and live with me, putting yourself under my control and becoming subject to my dark power?”

Guillermo gulped down his nerves, feeling the momentousness of the occasion as he whispered, for the first time, “Yes, master…”

“Wonderful!” Nandor cried with a clap of his hands. “I will reach out to you through the ether after the checking of your background.”

The vampire stood, moving away from the table before Guillermo could formulate a response.

“The...ether?” he finally asked, his brows knitting together in confusion. “How will that work?”

Nandor waved away Guillermo’s confusion with a flick of his wrist and answered, “Very simple. My voice will come to you in the evening before you are a falling into the slumber.”

Guillermo was silent for a beat, wondering how this answer was meant to clear up his confusion.

“Right,” he finally murmured. “Of course…”

Nandor turned to stalk out the door and Guillermo jogged after him, “Wait! There’s just...just one more thing, before you go.”

Nandor turned back with an annoyed expression, “Yes, what is it? I’m getting pretty hungry over here!”

Guillermo choked down an enthusiastic squeak at this admission and attempted to school his features into neutral calm as he asked, “How do I know you’re legit? Can you...show me proof?”

Nandor’s eyes darkened and he seemed to grow even taller as he turned his full focus on the human man, “You require proof? You require proof from Nandor the Relentless, who has twice turned the waters of the Euphrates red with his enemy’s blood. Proof, you say?!”

“Yeah,” Guillermo shrugged, holding onto what he hoped was an aloof calm as he quaked internally.

Nandor sighed and rolled his eyes as he answered, “Fine! Come with me. Fu-cking guy…”

He led Guillermo to the alleyway behind the Panera. During the day you might find a delivery truck back here or an employee taking out the garbage, but it was deserted at this hour of the night. Nandor stomped ahead of Guillermo, clearly aggravated at this request. He stopped and turned to face the human with a dramatic flare of his cape.

“Prepare your puny mortal brain,” he warned and then, without ceremony, he transformed into a bat.

Guillermo gasped, his face splitting into a wide grin as the tiny, squeaking thing flew circles around his head, landing in the lush curls of his hair for an instant before taking flight once more and erupting back into his vampiric form.

Guillermo rushed up to Nandor’s side, positively gushing, “It’s true! You’re real! A real vampire! Oh my god, I--”

Nandor suddenly broke out into an aggrieved hiss, grimacing and turning his face away.

“Watch it with that shit!” he complained loudly. “You can’t say...the g-word around vampires! You understand?”

Guillermo tilted his head in confusion for a second before realization lit his eyes.

“Oh! The g-word, of course! I’m...I’m sorry, master. I promise I’ll learn quickly,” he babbled. Now that he knew for certain that Nandor was a vampire, he was desperate to land this job. It was everything he’d dreamed of since he was a little kid first watching Antonio Banderas as Armand.

“Yeah, well--you’d better!” Nandor griped, but his face smoothed into a self-satisfied smirk at Guillermo’s obvious hero worship. A thought occured to him as he watched Guillermo’s adoring gaze. “There’s one more thing--I’ve just remembered. You can never fall in love with me, human. I know a lot of vampires who get into the whole sex thing with their familiars and it always ends up...messy. Understand? That’s a condition of your employment.”

Guillermo felt his face once again heating up with mortification. Had he been so transparent?

“Of course, master. I understand,” he murmured.

Nandor nodded, looking satisfied with Guillermo’s answer.

“Alright, then. Remember, you will hear my voice through the ether! Night, night!”

And then Nandor braced his knees and leaped into the air, soaring over Guillermo’s head and into the night sky.

“Wow!” Guillermo sighed, watching the tiny pinprick that was his vampire disappear into the darkness. “He’s so fucking cool…”

---

Some years later…

Guillermo sat in the fancy room with his legs tucked up underneath him, typing away on his laptop as Nandor fed another piece of wood to the fire. He paused long enough to enjoy the view of his boyfriend’s ample (yet firm!) backside as he bent over the fireplace.

“Guillermo,” Nandor started, dragging out the last syllable adorably. “What are you working on over there?”

“Why don’t you come here and see?” Guillermo replied with a shy smile. He patted the cushion next to him. He was still bashful about flirting with his master. Their relationship had finally--finally!--advanced after years of longing and pining. But even after a week of learning everything Nandor had to teach him about the joys of vampiric sex, he still felt unaccountably shy about their new relationship status.

Nandor settled down beside him, pressing their sides together and peering down at the thin computing contraption with a look of trepidation.

“You need to be careful with these things, Guillermo!” Nandor admonished, wrapping an arm around his familiar and pressing his face into the warm crook of his neck. He breathed in his delightful scent before continuing, “There are witches on the internet who can curse you through the electronic post!”

“Don’t worry, mas--Nandor. I’m being very careful,” Guillermo assured him.

The night they first made love, Guillermo had been overwhelmed, beside himself with a heady mix of physical sensations and emotions. He’d cried out at Nandor’s touch, using the title that he’d been trained to use for almost a decade. Nandor had felt his stomach drop and ice flow through his veins at the sound. “No...no, my Guillermo. Call me Nandor. Please. Call me by my name…”

“What do we have here…?” Nandor pondered, squinting his eyes as he read the text on the screen. “Guillermo! What is this all about!?”

“You said it yourself, Nandor,” he replied with a sly smirk. “Not falling in love with you was a condition of my employment…”

The words hung in the air between them for a moment and Guillermo felt as though he’d just opened up his chest and revealed his beating heart to the vampire’s hungry gaze.

Nandor’s dark eyes softened and sparkled in the firelight as he murmured, “Oh, my Guillermo… I--I love you too.”

Nandor took the laptop and set it on the coffee table before taking Guillermo into his arms and laying kiss after kiss across his sweet face.

“Are you ready?” Nandor’s voice was hushed. Guillermo looked up at him and was awestruck all over again at his luck. That such a man could love little ole Memo.

“Yeah, just--hang on a sec,” he said, leaning over Nandor’s lap to reach the computer and hitting “enter.” He fell back into Nandor’s arms, looking up at him with perfect trust and saying, for the last time, “Yes, Master. I’m ready.”

---

Vampire Couple seeking Human Familiar (Staten Island)

Do you long to explore the hidden world of magical creatures all around you? Do you have a strong stomach? A career as a vampire’s familiar might be for you!

Nandor the Relentless and Guillermo the Great seek a human assistant to do their dark bidding...

#nandermo #nandor x guillermo #guillermo x nandor #nandor the relentless #guillermo de la cruz #wwdits fanfic #what we do in the shadows fanfic #wwdits

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beccarooni-watch-later · 4 years

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Tainted Soil

(A.N: My second wwdits fic! This is my take on nandor’s original turning, since it hasn’t really been discussed in the show and i thought it had good potential for some angst. Thanks to @woahthisguy for all the help - ily <3)

He woke to the feeling of rain upon his skin.

A damp, icy coldness soaking into the fur of his collar, droplets finding their way through cracks in his armour and leeching the warmth from his skin.

Birds circled overhead, diving out of the mist above to claim what the battle had left behind. A ruffle of feathers yanked his mind further towards the light of consciousness - a raven perched at his feet, head cocked in confusion at what lay before it. The line between the alive and the dead had not yet been crossed, but the bird knew that it would not be long before Nandor the Relentless left the land of the living.

He had frowned, shaking his foot to send the bird back to the skies, and thought nothing more of it.

The battle had been long and arduous, more than most. Although, tired as he was, he fancied it a testament to his title. Relentless - another battle had been won: the battlefield soil soaked in blood from the enemy forces, brown and fertile earth turned red and scorched.

Nothing would grow here anymore. It would be left barren, decades passing before the smallest blade of grass dared to mark the ground again.

But that was the way of it, he supposed. There would always be casualties, reminders, names of the fallen etched in stone and bones cast to rest at the bottom of the ocean.

One of those names could have been his. Should have been his, if his position was anything to go by. It was not often a lord of battle fell and then rose again when the camps were empty and the survivors had left. It would’ve been enough to sting him, being left behind, if that had not been what his men were taught to do.

Those who fell behind, were left behind.

And he had fallen. A warrior, although not one wearing the colours of his enemy, had sprung upon him from behind and sunk his teeth into his neck - which was a pretty unorthodox method of attacking, but Nandor had felt some respect for the confidence that maneuver took.

One bloodied hand rose to trace the wound on his neck - and drew away sharply with a hiss as he was met with a stinging pain. It was more akin to plunging his fingers into a firepit than any other wound he had received before - and the rest of him felt...cold. Not from the rain or from the end of battle, but a cold that clung to his bones and seeped into his chest.

That probably should have tipped him off that something was wrong - but situational intelligence had never been his strong suit.

His men followed him because of his relentless...ness. His tenacity. His ability to plunge into conflict and come out on top without fail, without one black mark on his record. They did not follow him for worries or doubts. That was how great men fell - when they began to question themselves. Because if they questioned themselves then the men who followed them would do the same. Questioning led to demanding led to yelling - and it was all a bit of a headache that Nandor was more than happy to avoid.

So he picked himself up. He moved along, picking his way through the corpses and the mud and did not worry over why his men had not come back to collect him.

He did not worry, even when the fire in his wound began to spread through his veins, leaving him collapsed and shivering on the roadside.

He did not worry, even when his jaw began to ache and the rays of sunshine seemed to burn his skin.

He did not worry, even when all the water in his canteen could not sate his thirst. Or when the food he hunted turned to ash in his mouth.

He kept walking until the ground under his feet began to feel more familiar. Until the air smelt of home, his home, and the doors of his palace opened under a push from his palm.

Maybe he relented a little bit then. Once he was home, and he could rid himself of the bloodstained clothes that clung to his body. His servants would remove each piece of armour from his aching shoulders, and one of his more favoured wives would wash the blood and dirt from his hair and soothe the aching in his muscles.

He had rested for days after that. The physicians had kept calling it unnatural, until he had sent them away so that he could have a few minutes of precious silence.

Everyone had wanted something, in those days. His men wanted an explanation for his return - they wanted to know how a man could fall in battle and arise again the next day. His wives wanted to know how he was doing - why he was sleeping day in and day out, why he would not eat with them, or attempt to cool his fever with wine or water.

He had no answers for them. At least, no answers that he understood.

He had fallen in battle, he knew that. But he hadn’t...Fallen, fallen. He hadn’t died - and that seemed like the sort of thing he would remember. He’d simply taken a nasty hit, and had dealt with it the way all men in Al Quolanudar dealt with injuries.

The pain faded, eventually. Or morphed into something else. Sunlight burned and not just in the way that would result in itchy skin and mild discomfort. The one time he had allowed his hand to stray in front of an open window, it had burst into open flame, and he’d spent the rest of the day ordering scarves to be hung over every opening to the skies his bedchamber had.

The hunger was proving more difficult to assuage. He would push it down for as long as he could but eventually something in his mind took over.

It was servants, at first. He’d awoken from a sleep he didn’t remember entering to blood on his hands and face, caked under his nails, and a body in his lap.

Nandor had killed many men in his lifetime. Being the leader of a nation, a conqueror of thousands - it took spilling a couple of gallons of blood to earn the reputation of Nandor the Relentless. And dying in battle was an honourable thing - it was the way he wanted to go, if he had to go at all. The soldiers who fell to his sword died in glory.

There was nothing glorious about this.

People started to leave, after that. Killing a servant was something that most noblemen could get away with, but Nandor got the sense that those around him were using this as an excuse. Men who would’ve followed him into any battle, who would’ve died for him, now packed their bags and called him a monster.

His soldiers left, his wives left, and he was alone again.

Dying on a silk lined bed, it seemed, was no warmer than dying alone on a battlefield.

Remaining relentless didn’t seem like much of a priority when the mob arrived. His people waved their torches and his soldiers brandished their weapons - and while he was angry, he couldn’t say he blamed them.

When his palace crumbled to the ground, he was almost grateful. He’d spent the best years of his life there. Rising through the ranks of the Al Quolanudarian forces, claiming a title and forcing thousands to bend to his will, making nations across the vast ocean afraid of his name. He’d drank wine with friends, he’d had 37 weddings, and countless celebrations of victory in those halls.

But when it burned, all he could think about was the past few weeks. Wandering the empty halls, alone. Watching as the food he could not eat decayed before his eyes, and feeling the familiar itch of an unnatural hunger grip his stomach again and again.

It had been his destiny to die on a battlefield. And part of him had. Whatever was left died when he left Al Quolanudar for the last time.

***

Nandor shut the book of memoirs with a sharp sigh, turning to face the camera.

“And that is why you should always wear a neck covering when getting involved in a skirmish. Otherwise someone might take a nibble of you.”

Guillermo choked out a gasp from between his fingers, sinking slightly against the wall.

“Master,” he sniffed, rubbing at his eyes under his glasses. “What the fuck.”

#wwdits #fanfic #nandor the relentless #angst #whump #tw blood #what we do in the shadows tv #human nandor #ficlet

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