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cathyparrlyn · 4 years

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Calling myself out, part 1

Just a little tid bit of me calling myself out, some of these are inside jokes, but I hope you all enjoy this. It will hopefully describe me as a person better cause I am not an amazing writer in real life, just a chaotic disaster that wants to hug her stitch plush.

Shout out to @toomanyfamdom @dannixy @all-my-love-cathy @little-bit-lost-and-found @boleynhowards @saria-malinas @flat-dr-pepper-chasers @shilly-shally-disaster @prisky0731 and @thatbolxyngirl as they would understand this post the most, lol.

And @lakes-other-sixes who is baby and I blame my sleepy brain for forgetting to add, I am sorry it’s like 5 a.m. here lol. I love you my holy body of water 💙💚

Me: Time to do something productive.

Also me: *stares at a wall for three hours thinking about my 28637026 parrlyn fic ideas cause I am a bi disaster who has sold their soul to this ship.* Or not.

Me: *insert random emoticon as a response as I am bad at texting.* perfect.

Me: B A B Y.

My online daughter who is both taller and more mature than me: no...

Me, almost 17 year old with no brain cells and is short: Y E S B A B Y. IMA HUG YOU. PREPARE TO BE HUGGED AKHSHEHHWJWJHSJEH I LOVE YOU

My online daughter: okay then.

Me: PRINCESS CAN NOT BE A STRIPPER.

Princess and baby girl and my smol bean noodle: but mom!

Me: N O! Not in this online fam!

An amazing bitch (they know who they are): *exists and pole dances*

Me: Fuck yeah, do what you want girl!

Princess: HOW IS THIS FAIR?!

Me: ITS NOT JABSNVENWBSJJSG

Me: BABY BABY BABY

Baby: MADDY MADDY MADDY? What?

Me: hiiiiiiiiiii. (8th time I have said hi to them in the past hour.)

Baby:....... hi?

Baby girl: *exists*

Me: my life has purpose, you are beautiful and I shall protect. You could do no wrong. If you murdered someone and blamed it on me, I would be fine with it.

Baby girl: *holds up scissors*

Me: N O.

Me: They are so coo-

Baby: I’m not a them.

Me: ajgshshsvjsbsjjsbsk WHY AM I DOING THIS???

Me: Morning!

Baby: it’s 1 p.m.

Me: time is a meaningless concept.

Also me: also, I went to sleep at 5:30 a.m. because fuck consistency and a healthy sleep schedule.

Me: *tells my friends they are beautiful*

Also me: I AM A DEMON SPAWN THAT WAS ACCIDENTALLY SUMMONED FROM HELL WHEN SOMEONE MESSED UP MAKING A MUSTARD SANDWHICH!

Me: I have an idea! Let’s add it to the parrlyn fic list!

The lists word count for just (insert AU!AU):

Me: *texts online six friends* I think my brain has a problem.

Also me: *laughs at 69*

Me and my fake wife: * yelling arguing for ten minutes on a group chat call about a show we only know.*

Also me and my fake wife after agreeing to take the argument to our dms: *has a civil discussion and continues to talk about the show and have a fun while we lead the fake fam to think we were arguing and at each other’s throats for a whole hour.* Lol.

Me: Precious smol chaotic bean noodle! I write poetry.

Them: It’s good.

Me: shush. No you.

My fake wife: you are so evil.

Me: but evil is hot?

My fake wife: yes..... but like, please don’t.

Me: I love you.

Theyby: you shouldn’t but thanks, I love you too.

Me: ACCEPT MY LOVE OR I SHALL THROTTLE IT DOWN YOUR THROAT BY HUGGING YOU AND COMPLIMENTING YOU UNTIL YOU SMILE YOU BEATIFUL HUMAN PERSON.

Theyby: False.

Me: I made an oath to only tell the truth. Newspaper.

Theyby: I know.

Me: I mention it a lot.

Theyby: yeah, you kinda do.

Also me from last post: human person? How is English my first language.

Me: *has all these angst ideas.*

Also me: *has only published fluff.*...... I didn’t think this through.

Me: my writing sucks.

Everyone else: maddy no.

Me: Maddy yes.

My son: Dale is the best boi, I am the okayest boi.

Me: No, you are the bestest boys and precious, I love you baby boy, let me hug you through this phone.

Also me: *continues to kill him every time we play Minecraft as he has mob skin and I joke pretend he is a mob.* I love you!

Him: Why do I deserve this, my arms [virtual] are now glitching.

Me: I’m a great mom!

Me: my crush gave me a bed time, so ima follow it cause I’m whipped.

Me: *after losing my crush* let’s sleep at 6 a.m. tonight.

Somebody: *literally says anything.*

Me: *bursts in out of nowhere* I have a parrlyn idea.

Me: ima have over 100k on this fic.

Also me: *continues to talk about fic, but doesn’t write anything. If I do, it’s a future chapter that can’t be posted until my current chapter is done.* .......Fuck.

Me: *sees fanart of Cathy in a stitch onesie.* :0000

Me: *one month later sitting in a stitch onesie.* I have accomplished in life.

Everyone else: *answers a question with one word.*

Me: *answers same question with three pages of words for content*

Also me: *wonders why everyone is staring and refers to me as the one in English with a 96*

Also me again: *giggles at 96 being the flipped version of 69*

Me: *asexual* good howdy dandy morning you beautiful lovely people who I graciously call my friends as they deserve the world and make me smile! Have hugs.

Also me: *inserts a sex joke at any occasion and teases my online friends as the annoying introvert I am.*

Me when I accidentally hurt any of my children in the most minor way: I have failed you, for I am a terrible, awful, horrendous person who doesn’t deserve to succeed in life.

Them: Nuuuuu.

Me: I am the worlds biggest disappointment.

Nobody: ......

Me: So Katanna is totally perfect for an insert fic with Tangled, agree or perish.

No one:

Me: ha ha, I’m no one, read my user.

Not a single soul: .....

Me: LETS ENTER THE CHAT IN ALL CAPS WITH A BUNCH OF EMOTICONS CAUSE I CANT TEXT LOL :D ;) :P :333 :0 ^0^ ;-;

Me: *bored* let’s call myself out.

Me, my first time entering the tiefs chat: Hi you all, you are so amazing and beautiful and I am so happy to be here. Let me give you hugs. Your writing is amazing, if you ever need help or just need to rant, I’m here.

The group chat: #MaddyTheHypeMom.

Me:..... Well I feel called out, but I can’t deny it. This is it. I am the hype mom. I shall adopt all of you, I don’t care if some of you are 5 years older than me. I am the mom now and I will love you all.

And finally~

My online chat peacefully minding their own business:

Me sending a text to them: 😇

Them: oh god, this can’t be good.

#I am a mess #chaos #group chats lol #love my online fams #😇😇😇😇#💙💚💙💚#exposing myself #maddy the hype mom #tiefs #chaos admins #i hope you enjoy #kinda six the musical #parrlyn #parrleyn #mentions of wajms #i like to write #epitome of a cooc disaster who can only funtion between 11pm - 4am #love you all~

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malachi-walker · 4 years

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Some Really Heavy Thoughts on the Relationship Between Scorpia and Catra

Fair warning, guys: I'm gonna get into some deeply personal stuff involving abuse recovery and past mistakes here. I will not be making excuses for Catra or her treatment of Scorpia, but well... Let's just say there's a reason why their relationship has always me wince. Because it touches on some stuff that is likely relevant to a lot of ex-abuse victims.

This entire meta stems from an epiphany I had while discussing with @johannas-motivational-insults how I have a really hard time writing Scorpia, and me trying to pinpoint what exactly makes me so uncomfortable working with her or looking at her relationship with Catra in detail.

Let me back up a bit. We all love Scorpia. She's a big cuddly sweetheart without a mean bone in her body. She's fantastic, a bright point in the overall suckage that is the Horde, and she gives GREAT hugs. So why does their relationship bother me so much?

Well... It's because I've been there once before in my own life. And it's one of my deepest regrets, so seeing that play out on screen and instinctively knowing where this is going fucking sucks.

Personal stuff under the cut.

We've already covered Scorpia being a good kid. That said, I feel like a lot of people just flanderize her into being this perfect wonderful friend who wholly accepts Catra (and conversely either woobify Catra or make her a horrible monster who doesn't appreciate a good thing) but... the truth is a lot more nuanced than that.

Scorpia doesn't wholly accept Catra because in order to truly accept someone you have to see them for who they really are, warts and all, and Scorpia doesn't. She idealizes Catra and either ignores or downplays her very real flaws and problems, and tries to excuse any actions she commits that don't live up to that constructed image, which is of course what she confronts in s4 (and I’m proud of her for that.) It's not done with any ill intent, but it's still not a good thing in any relationship; romantic, platonic, familial, any kind.

Here's where things get real personal. Also, I wanna specify that I am not forcing myself to talk about this, even though it still hurts in a lot of ways. Though I am probably gonna bring this up with my therapist when I next see her.

I've mentioned before in previous meta that I am an ex-child abuse victim who followed a very similar trajectory to Catra once I got out of that situation. I was angry, I was hurt, and I was ADAMANT that nobody get close to me again and fully prepared to lash out as much as I needed in order to make that happen. Occasionally people would slip through my guard anyway, but on the whole I was very successful at that goal and torpedoed a lot of bridges back in those days.

And as much as it kills me to admit it... I had my own Scorpia too.

Her name was Amy, and I met her in my freshman year of high school after I ended up in a private school for the “gifted and talented” (which ended up being its own mistake, but that's a story for another day.)

To put this entire situation into perspective: at the time I was struggling to process and cope with my abuse, I had just been misdiagnosed with major depression after an entire year of contemplating suicide, and I had been put on a ridiculously high dosage of the antidepressant Wellbutrin--literally the highest dosage they could legally give an adolescent without the risk of seizures--which cranked my rage up to a constant underlying simmer and also gave me horrific fucking nightmares, to the point that for about a year and a half I was consistently only getting two hours of sleep because I was waking up screaming nearly every night. This is not me making excuses for being such a dick, but I do try to keep in mind that younger me was dealing with an absolute shitshow when passing judgment on myself. I was trying to survive a situation that absolutely no one was equipped to handle at all of 14 years old.

And then here comes Amy.

Amy was one of those people who was relentlessly optimistic to an almost suspicious degree (more on that later.) The kind of person who will reply to any statement of "I'm having a bad [x]" with generic look-on-the-bright-side platitudes and a big smile without actually addressing anything you said. She was also one of those people who was aggressively Christian, not in a mean way, but in an "it was her answer for literally everything" way, which given that I was struggling with my own faith at the time was practically a recipe for disaster.

But for whatever reason, this girl latched onto me, no matter how much I tried to get her to do otherwise.

I wanna note that I wasn't wholly devoid of friends at the time; my best friend, Michael (who is still my best friend/bro to this day) had also gotten into the school along with me, but the rest of our friend group hadn't and those relationships drifted apart in the ensuing years, which only served to compound the underlying issues. And I will always be thankful that the guy was able to roll with the punches and stick by me even through my absolute worst, but it was also pretty irritating having to switch between my bro who understands me even if he didn’t always agree to my much tenser interactions with Amy. So back to her.

Basically, this girl just kinda inserts herself into my life, refuses to take a hint or back off, and any time I try to talk about my issues or get her to understand a little and make an actual connection, I'm met with the overwhelming feeling of "You're not really seeing me. You're not listening." So I responded by being a fucking bitch. I would ignore her, make fun of her, treat her like a third wheel, etc. In hindsight, it was a dick move, but at the time it made sense to me. I genuinely felt like it was her fault for never listening to me in the first place, so I justified it by telling myself I was just paying her back in kind.

I lost touch with Amy after I was kicked out of school at the tail end of freshman year due to a Wellbutrin-induced rage episode (nobody got hurt, but my attitude at the time was so consistently extreme that the school administration literally had an inch thick dossier on my behavior and what the other kids thought of me, so that incident was just what they needed to justify kicking me out.) Afterwards, my parents made the decision to relocate to another town since my expulsion meant I would be banned from going back into school for a full year unless we changed systems--and even then I was required to go into a continuation school to prove I had been rehabilitated, but I digress. Point is that I was uprooted from that environment and I didn't bother keeping in touch.

I actually found out years later from a friend who went to that same high school--though we didn't actually become friends until after my expulsion--that the reason why Amy was the way she was is that in the year prior to meeting me, her mother had committed suicide and she had been the one to discover her body. So in hindsight, her entire deal made sense: she was trying to survive in the only way she knew how and cope with a situation no one should ever have to, same as me.

But that didn't mean we were able to connect. The great tragedy of that situation, and the thing I regret the most about it, is that we were just two horribly damaged kids that were utterly incapable of actually seeing each other as we were at the time. And it ultimately wasn't anybody's fault, which ironically makes it even harder to accept.

I regret the way I treated her. I wish I could have made her life a little better, and I still hope and pray she got the help she needed elsewhere.

That's what makes Scorptra so incredibly tragic to me as well. Scorpia is a good-hearted person who does genuinely care for Catra, but she also willfully blinds herself to the things Catra is dealing with and her relentless optimism often just ends up rubbing salt in the wounds. Catra is wrong to treat Scorpia so badly, but I also fully understand those feelings of resentment and anger you develop towards someone when they consistently refuse to see you as you are, because I've been there. And that's also why I've always had a hard time with Scorptra romantically (though if you ship it, good for you! I honestly wish I could), because those issues have always been present in their relationship and made it unsustainable from the very beginning.

Something was always destined to break between them. And that's what makes it so damn hard for me to write Scorpia as a character, because in many ways she reminds me of one of the things I regret the most in my life: how I treated someone else who had the best intentions horribly when I was at my absolute worst. These days I try to be kind to my past self as part of the healing process, but when I think of my actions in that year it is really fucking hard. I don't like to think about it, even though I know I feel like I need to (which is also why this meta exists.)

Neither Scorpia or Catra were at fault for the fact that they couldn't see each other properly: it was just a really bad case of wrong place, wrong time. And that's what makes it hurt.

Also, if you made it this far, I'm sorry this was so depressing. Please have a happy cat and scorpion to hopefully feel a little better. Also huge shoutout to @yesbpdcatra for encouraging me to get this out there. You're the best, fam.

#hoo boy #tw: child abuse #mention of suicide #the sometimes ugly messiness of the recovery process #hard personal truths #scorptra #spop meta #my meta

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theartoflivingalways · 4 years

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i’ve been awake for over 24 hours

I haven’t been on tumblr in years. i stopped using it after high school, but I don’t know why. but now I’m back tonight, because I needed someone to talk to, but I have no one to listen. i have friends, i have family, i have a boyfriend. i have a therapist. but no matter what: i feel so unheard, so unseen, and so ignored by everyone in my life that i literally feel like i have no one to truly turn to. for anything. so, here i am. hope i get a warm welcome!!!

here’s the thing: i’m NOT a depressed person. i’m not sad, i don’t have any major mental health issues apart from anxiety and some adhd. and before you take that the wrong way, please don’t. i just got my master’s degree in social work and i’ll be starting my new job as a therapist in a couple of weeks.

but, i’m also NOT a happy person. tbh, i can’t really describe my overall ~mood~ or whatever you wanna call it. i kinda just wake up and survive the day, every day. i take it one day at a time ... kinda like what AA says to do; but no, before you ask or the thought crosses your mind, i’m not an addict. at least not a alcohol/other drugs addict ??? sorry

maybe this is why there’s no one to listen when i need them to. i fucking ramble about literally nothing before getting to the point.

it’s weird that i’m writing right now (ok, typing???). i haven’t done this since i was little. it feels good to do this, to have some sort of outlet when you feel so fucking unseen and unheard by every. single. person. around you.

so i haven’t slept in over 24 hours. it’s my own fault for sure and i have adderall to thank for that (yes i’m prescribed). i decided to start a blog again because i’m sitting here, still wide awake in my apartment, alone, while my boyfriend is sound asleep in my bedroom.

so what’s my fucking problem??? why do i want someone to talk to?? i don’t know honestly. i just feel like lately all i do is listen to others, help others, give myself completely to others. and in return, i get nothing. nothing even close to what i give, or to what i’m capable of giving. which is sad. not for me particularly (maybe?), but for others, yes, i think so.

i’m not saying that i expect anything in return for helping others, because i don’t. i didn’t enter the field of social work for the fucking money. and i know a lot of fucked up shit is going on in the world right now, and in no way do i want to minimize ANY of that. i’m just feeling a little lost and lonely, so i’m hoping this is a new outlet for me to sort out those feelings.

the last couple of hours, i’ve had a LONG string of thoughts. if you read through, you’ll eventually found out how they started. but one of the things i’ve been wrestling with in my mind is the type of person i am.

you see, it’s difficult to be “that” person for others your whole life, especially all the fucking time. if you’re anything like me, you know what i mean by that. and if you aren’t anything like me, well, first of all congrats!!!!, and secondly, i’ll explain what i mean.

when you’re “that” person for others, like myself, it’s easy for other people to walk all over you. take advantage of you, take you for granted, expect you to ALWAYS be there no matter the cost. and of course, why wouldn’t they? you’re always there to help. you’re ALWAYS there to offer support, guidance, and advice. you’re nurturing. you listen. you’re a fucking irreplaceable, loyal to death friend. if you’re VERY much like me, you’re also the one person in your family who isn’t a total fuck up (at least not publicly?)

you’re also nonjudgmental, and you were blessed with the curse of being empathic towards others at all times. empathy of course is beautiful and a very good thing to have in this life, but do you know how hard it is to feel for every single person around you.. and not have anyone feel for you???? damn

also, you never let anyone down!! ever. you’re reliable, dependable, trustworthy to the point where it’s almost sketchy because like??? who can be that way to everyone else at all times? you guessed it- people like me and people like u!! (if this is even semi-relatable, i’m sorry)

but people like us, like you, like me, tend to do this thing where we keep the same shitty fucking toxic people around that have hurt us, continue to hurt us both indirectly and directly, and who have let us down time and time again, because we continue clinging on to the fucking useless hope that “someday they’ll change”. someday, they’ll realize how fucking important you are to them and how shitty their lives are, and would be, without you in it.

you- we - also live by honesty and truthfulness, and assume others just live by this as well. but then you’re proved wrong over and over and over again, yet you never fucking learn your lesson because you are STILL hopeful that somewhere, somehow, deep down, other people DO stand by the morals you try so hard to stand by in life. most of the time, though, you’re completely avoiding the reality of other people and their experiences and who they really are, only to try to fit your own narrative of how you see things and how you think things should be.

if this sounds anything like you... i’m sorry. i know it all too well.

i grew up as the “golden child” in my family. not just my immediate family. my entire fucking family. the pressure to be perfect has lead me to develop debilitating anxiety in my 20′s, and it is what it is, but like, why the fuck couldn’t i have anxiety in high school like a normal teenager? why now?

so yeah my anxiety’s pretty bad. it’s pretty bad tonight, which is why i turned here. to tumblr. to try to write out my thoughts. which, by the way, i’m sorry, because this is an absolute fucking mess and makes no sense. if you are reading this, though, thank you. thank you for listening when no one else seems to.

anyway. growing up with the pressure of being *perfect* has a cost. at least for me it did: 1) anxiety of course, and 2) perfectionist tendencies. these have literally- LITERALLY - ruined my entire college and graduate school experience. perfectionism combined with anxiety is a recipe for fucking disaster, and i’ve been cooking it for years.

i am deliberately writing this without proper punctuation/grammer/whateverthefuckyouwanttocallit, not capitalizing my letters etc., because i want to not have to be so perfect all the time on here, if this is something i’m going to stick to. i know that sounds silly but it’s actually been very difficult for me to write in all lower-caps and i’m very worried that no one will even read this and HEAR ME because of my literacy negligence (i have no idea if that’s even a real thing or if it even has meaning but it sounded right)

do u want to know why i decided to write this though, truly? what lead to me feeling like i’m “spiraling” - apart from no sleep in over 24 hours now? well, get ready to laugh, because i truly think i’m pathetic and going crazy.

i went to dinner tonight with my boyfriend and his fam. our waitress was a girl i used to know years ago in high school. my boyfriend knew her too. in fact, he knew her VeRY well. for the sake of my anxious overthinking, i don’t feel like going too much into the details of *that* situation, so thanks in advance for understanding.

anyway. this corny bitch made a joke about the current political environment. i won’t say what exactly, because i’d really like to keep my identity as concealed as absolutely possible on here. but long story short, no one really laughed - every one just kinda smiled awkwardly. but you know who did laugh? my boyfriend :)

TO ME, it seemed intentional. she wasn’t fucking funny, for one. she made a bad - no, a very bad- joke. like one of those corny dad jokes. not even a dad joke actually. a step-dad joke, except your step-dad is a loser that you hate, who treats ur mom/dad bad, has no sense of humor or a horrible sense of humor and idk, just fucking sucks you know ???

sorry that got kinda dark and it was unnecessary but do u know what i mean??? and no, that was literally not relevant to me or my family system/structure in any way. just kinda came to me, ya know? ...writing works in mysterious ways man

alright so if you don’t agree, that’s fine. i already told you to get ready to laugh, because i am well aware of how insane i fucking sound. but you know what makes anxiety & perfectionism 100x harder to cope with? insecurities. and i’m FULL of them.

so anyway. we left dinner. him & i were driving home. i will admit that i did have some wine at dinner, and i wasn’t drunk but i definitely was feeling cocky enough to stir the pot with him. so, i casually said, “hey... didn’t you date _____?” *insert annoying waitress’s name who i knew once upon a time*

i said it very calmly. very coooool. v collected and nice. he said “no? i’ve never even talked to or hungout with that girl”.

i wish u could see my face as i’m writing this right now bc i cannnot. like i gave u a choice.... the opportunity. tHE SIMPLE opportunity - a chance - to be fucking honest................................

this dude. straight up. lied to my face. about this fucking girl. ???????

YEARS AGO, they most certainly did talk. a lot. in fact, my crAZy ass searched their names on facebook to find their old little love notes to each other that they posted on each others’ walls. which were very cringey but nothing that made me feel jealous or insecure (for once). after all, they were from years ago- i’m talking 5+ - so likeeee.... why would he lie (:

oh and they definitely did hang out because.... i remember clearly.... a PICTURE OF THE two of them *together* *hangin* (prob bangin too) (sorry) years ago in this now-waitress’s bedroom. i believe it was a ~webcam photo~ that they took on the new mac computer her parents prob bought her. so this photo is now NO WHERE to be found. and believe me, i looked. no, i LURKED. i went to the beginnnning of her instagram posts and deep into her uploaded facebook pictures. ok, not ‘deep’, i literally got to the first pic she ever posted on FB just to try to find this damn picture. and it took me for. fucking. ever. because this bitch has prolly posted a million pictures in the last 5+ years like who does that???

but i swear to fucking whatever the fuck that this picture exists. i have fucking seen it. i’d describe it in perfect detail right now as if i saw it today, but, once again, i’m concealin my identity, yo, so i can’t do all that. v sorry

anywho. this dude - who i call my boyfriend (and yes i love him very very much and our past is absolutely fucked but that’s a whole other story for a very different time) - had the nerve, the audacity, to tell me to my face, that he “definitely doesn’t have a picture with her” because “they’ve never hung out or talked before” ... ?!??????

obv i sent him screenshots of the dirt i dug up on facebook from 5+ years ago (i.e., the old posts between them in case ya forgot during my rambling) bc like, caught ya in a lie sir. red handed.

i might be late on mentioning this part, but here’s the fucking kicker (and i’ve never used that phrase and i don’t know why i said that but ok?): TODAY, for the first time in MONTHS, literally!!!, bc of the virus and the quarantine and all that, i got ready today for dinner with his family. like actually got ready. i spent HOURS doing my make up. i don’t even remember the last time i did my make up, ok. i dressed in a really cute outfit. i felt fucking very good about myself. i thought for sure when he’d come pick me up to go to dinner he’d at least say something. at least acknowledge it. he has literally only seen me in raw form for too many days now. like, complete bare face and sweat pants basically every day since march.

but. did he even look at me twice?!!? no. did he mention anything about how i looked? how it was drastically different from my everyday attire the last couple months? did he take 2 seconds out of his day to say something corny or flirty to me? even just, “you look beautiful”??? honestly i would’ve even appreciated, “you look beautiful, for once” ???

did u guess the correct answer? well if u didn’t, it’s N O.

but u know who he did look at twice.

our waitress at dinner.

i think i wrote enough for one night. if u think this is my anxiety/perfectionism/insecurities combination spiraling out of control after being tamed incessantly for 20+ years, PLZ TELL ME.

but also, if you have a fucking brain, you’d know that:

1) this is definitely NOT the first time i’ve responded to something like this the way i did, and

2) i really just needed to ramble on and vent about all the shit that’s been going through my mind the last 2 1/2 hours, so there’s that.

have a good night get some sleep!!! thank u for ur time.

#why #me #cantsleep #upfor24hours #adderall #waitress #insecure #perfect #anxiety #sorry #helpme #help #needsleep #dontwanttotho #goodnight #getsomerest #ily #thanku

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aka-willow · 4 years

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When We Come

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Words: 1298

Characters: Willow Wren, Father Jake, Gooblin, Pip, Pingu, Burr, Spark, Danny, Manny, Dew, Fanisimo, France, Sabbath

Prompt/Tag:

“have you lost your mind?”

“I’m a monster.”

Summary: Willow creates a new game plan, one that her siblings oppose

Timeline: December 2015

Song: Little Drummer Boy - Low

A/N: is my “raised catholic” showing? oop thanks fam

—————————————————————————–

I left that same night, Christmas Eve. The bombshell of a discovery on the flash drive was enough to get me running again, and now, I felt like I couldn’t stop. I had never felt this angry before. This robbed. My time as a kid… gone. I’m never getting that back. Those weren’t even assassinations… those were just murders. That family… they were innocent. They made us do that and we didn’t even fight back, we didn’t even try to stop them. All for whatever fucked up 4-D chess game they were trying to play.

I packed my bags and my laptop, zipping my coat shut for the freezing flight back. I could feel the wind gathering at my hands again—I was close to losing it.

“Are you seriously leaving now?” Pip asked. “Right now? After all…”

“Yup,” I said. “The only thing that’s going to make me feel better is a few more old Facility agents down. I’m going.”

“We should stop that plan,” Danny said. “I think we should put a pause on the Rat Revolution.”

“Are you kidding?” I asked. “They’re still out there, possibly hurting other people, other experiments. I know we’re not the only ones. You’re going to sit there and say we should stop?”

“It’s not safe,” Manny, said, agreeing with his twin. “We have to look out for ourselves.” He sighed. “I don’t want to hurt anyone else. I just… I need time.”

“Pingu,” I said, turning to her, the friend that always seemed onboard with my schemes. “Can you talk some sense into these guys?”

The look she gave me nearly made me lose it then and there. “I can’t,” she whispered. “I’m done trying to save the world. I’m so tired. This isn’t the way to do it.” Pingu looked up at the sky, then back at the sparks leaping from the fire. “The best thing we can do is live our lives as normally as possible. Put all this behind us. Don’t be what they made us.”

“Whatever, I’m going,” I said, again. “See you on the front-page tomorrow.”

“Are you out of your mind?” France said.

“We are what we are,” I said. “They gave us these gifts and they’re going to regret it.”

“No,” Pip said firmly. “This isn’t us.”

“I’m a monster,” I said. “You’re a monster. That’s what we are. That’s what they made us to be. You saw the files just like me. You saw what we did. So, instead of being useless and tapping out, it’s time to balance the scales.” I snapped my fingers, trying to remember the phrase. “It’s like in the Bible,” I said. “Penance.”

“I’m not doing this with you,” said Burr. “I love you, but I’m not doing this. Pingu’s right.”

I stared at the Lab Rats in disbelief, even though some part of me always knew this was coming. Even back at the Facility I had been the one with a grudge, the one who refused to give up on a fight. It’s what got me put in isolation so often. It’s the reason I remember being put in that chair so often. But I didn’t fight back on Monster. And now I have to.

“Well, I’m leaving. See you guys.” I started walking towards the open clearing beyond the tower, looking for a place to take off and start on back to my base. It was around nine at night, still early. I bet I could get another two agents out by tomorrow. There were footsteps in the grass behind me, someone running, and when I turned, I saw Fanisimo jogging after me.

“Wait, Heckergal, wait.”

“Are you coming?”

He cast his eyes down and shook his hand, his mouth turned downward. “No. But I have the chip for you. To inhibit your powers. Let me at least insert it before you go.” He held it out and I watched as the metal glinted in the moonlit.

“No,” I said quickly. “I changed my mind. I don’t need it.”

“Look, you really should…”

“No!” I said again. “I’m fine. I’ve got it under control.”

Fanisimo sighed and dug into his backpack. “Then at least take these.” He passed me a pair of goggles, metallic and built to last, well-made. “It’s for when you’re flying. You know, for the wind. I know you used to use all sorts of things. These are better, and there’s a bunch of screen functions on these too. Super useful.”

I took them from Fanisimo and tucked them over my head as I took a breath. “Thanks, dude.”

He ran a hand through his black hair and scratched under his nose as he looked down at the ground. “Yeah. You know we’re always here for you. Stay safe?”

“I’ll be safe,” I said, but as I took off, I had a feeling it would be a long time before we met again.

I flew back to New York City in record time, the goggles allowing me to go faster than ever without my eyes completely drying out or being sealed shut by the wind, and I played around with the display as I shot across the sky, the wind like a cannon around me. I looked up two more agents from my files. Oliver and Lisa Bassi. Married, met on the job, based on their shared Facebook account. Home for the holidays. Merry fucking Christmas.

I had too much nervous energy that night when I got in, around midnight, and instead of sleeping, I stood in the back of Father Jake’s midnight mass at St. Giles. I hadn’t been in a while, but if I was going to do what I planned to do, I should at least make an appearance. I knew I was spiraling, on a collision course to disaster, but I couldn’t stop myself. I was going to find Doctor Turner. Destroy the Monster Book. Those were my only objectives. What happened after didn’t matter.

HYDRA made a mistake. I have nothing left to lose now.

In the back of the candlelit mass, I said a prayer, even followed along in the second-hand bible that Father Jake had given me ages ago. This is what they wanted. This is what they’ll get. After the service, I found Father Jake back at the altar, long after everyone else had left. He put out the remaining candles and nearly didn’t see me in the deepening gloom of the church.

“Willow?” he asked. “You’re still here? Santa’s not going to come if you’re still up.” He chuckled a little at his own joke, but then sobered up. “Is everything okay? I know you’ve had a rough few weeks.”

“I don’t think Santa’s coming for me this year,” I said, reflecting back on his previous statement. “I guess… I just wanted to… I don’t know. I have a lot of things I regret and I don’t know what to do, or if was even my fault. I… found out about it. Tonight.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, not really,” I sighed. “Um… when it comes to penance, you’ve mentioned it before, what do I have to do? I mean, what do you usually tell people to do?”

“Do you want to do a confession?”

“Not really.”

The stained glass above the altar seemed to glow as the moonlight poured in. “Well, it comes down to serving others. What can you do to help others? Will that make it right?”

Oliver and Lisa Bassi were dead by seven the next morning. Two bullets from Heidi Rye’s gun. Two more HYDRA agents gone. By eight, I was visiting the old lady to deliver her daily grilled cheese sandwich and wish her a Merry Christmas so that she would not be alone.

#ww writing #willow wren #father jake #gooblin #pip #sabbath #spark #burr #pingu #danny #manny #france #fanisimo #dew

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