#'it's almost like I grew up thinking I'd have a terminal illness and so now I am unexpectedly living and doing so as a ghost'

[trans-xianxian]

in high school I would write little poems after almost every therapy appointment about what I talked about in them and I have them all in a google doc and reading through them I'm like damn. he doesn't even know that cql is going to kill him

#looking at the things I was struggling with like yeah no wonder that show grasped me by the shoulders and hasn't let go!!! #17 year old ben writing abt terrifying anger and being tired of putting evryone first and being alive alive alive after being dead dead dead #honey you've got a big storm comin #like two months before I watched cql I wrote #'it's almost like I grew up thinking I'd have a terminal illness and so now I am unexpectedly living and doing so as a ghost' #he doesn't even know that cql is going to kill him!!!!! #I really did watch cql at the exact right time #thank you wei wuxian for being there at the closing act of my teenage angst and climax of my recovery from severe trauma #ghost posts #text

[hamburgertomyhelper]

I feel like I'm not a real person.

For many years now I've felt like I don't even really exist, or at the bare minimum I'm not really a person.

I'm a prisoner physically and mentally to myself. I can't take care of myself at all, If it wasn't for the fact I live with my mother I'd be dead already. I almost never shower, I don't brush my teeth, my teeth are falling apart, my health is deteriorating mentally and physically. I think about suicide everyday, or at least getting terminally ill and dying so I don't have to disappoint anyone with my suicide.

I sit in my room alone for 16+ hours a day and sleep the rest, I don't have any friends, no one talks to me. I leave my house MAYBE 10 times a year on a good year, and that's typically only for emergencys where I don't have much of a choice. I hate myself and I hate my body, I had a tinder and after 5+ years the only 2 matches I had ever recieved are a prostitute and a bot. Not that I blame anyone, I'm fat and ugly, I have no job, no future, no dreams, no aspirations.

I see all these happy and successful people online, or even that I grew up with/went to school with and I'm so incredibly jealous, because I know I will never be able to have any of that. My entire life is basically "Can't because I'm depressed, depressed because I can't." I've basically given up because I've lost so much time at this point and found so much comfort in just existing at a bare minimum that I can't change anything and honestly 99% of the time I have no interest in getting better.

I'm just truly miserable and its getting harder and harder to handle.

Everyday when my mom leaves for work, I have thoughts of putting an "I'm sorry, and Thank you for everything. There's nothing you could of done." sticky note on the TV in the living room and hanging myself in the back yard.

#ugly #fat #loser #pathetic #disgusting #no friends #tired #sick #death #kill myself #suicide #suicidal #depression #depressing