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hajimariwaquartet · 3 years

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y1 17-year-olds hcs!

"Put Settsu and Hyodo on shopping duty," Sakyo said one day, and Izumi paused. Her marker hovered over the whiteboard over the clean spot next to Kazunari's creative marker work of the words "Grocery Duty." She glanced between Sakyo and the whiteboard. She had already planned for Tsuzuru and Muku for shopping duty this month.

"...Excuse me?"

"It's good practice for Stranger since the two are on the same team," Sakyo replied, not looking up from the receipts he was recording. Other receipts laid across the table, and Izumi spotted the receipt that made her cringe outwardly.

"Is... this about the wall in the second training room that Banri and Juza broke a few days ago?"

"Yes." Sakyo scoffed, writing down on the ledger with more force than necessary. He scowled. "Tell those brats they're on shopping duty for the next two months for the damn wall. If they complain about it, tell them that it's from me."

Izumi looked between the fuming Sakyo and the whiteboard. Though things were certainly better now, she was still worried about the collateral damage from their fights. The hole in the second training room's wall was more than enough proof that their relationship needed... a bit more work. Internally praying to the gods, Izumi put her marker on the whiteboard.

"Okay, but I'm putting in Sakuya for.... insurance."

"Sakuma?" Sakyo echoed, looking up from his ledger. "And what do you mean by "insurance?""

"Ah... you see..."

Sakuya is absolutely thrilled to hang out with Banri and Juza after school since he looks up to them for being so cool and looking so grown-up (Clockwork Heartbeat Sakuya 2nd Flair Mini-chat)!

Of course, Banri immediately knows it's about the hole in the wall so he gets a bit irritated at being stuck on grocery duty for two months. Juza, on the other hand, is quite surprised and timider than usual. He never really hung out with Sakuya because they're not in the same troupe nor do they meet each other that often.

Shopping is way calmer than usual and the market vendors and supermarket staff are absolutely grateful for this sunshine boy who is able to easily diffuse the situation (perhaps even unknowingly!).

Even Banri is surprised that he didn't outright argue with Juza and how they even got the lowest prices available! Sakuya got some haggling tips from Citron and Citron tells the aunties at the shopping district about his dear roommate, so that's that!

They got crepes while going home (Banri doesn't know how he agreed to that).

Now, for actual hcs!

Banri (begrudgingly) tutors Juza and Sakuya for school stuff since Sakuya asked him for help nicely. It doesn't help his snide comments towards Juza, but at the end of the little tutoring session, the two actually understand the lesson!

Juza brings the two leaders a script to ask for help, and the three of them somehow spend an entire hour discussing that specific line. They also watch plays and street acts together!

Banri isn't particularly fond of sweets (out of spite), but he doesn't mind getting crepes/other bearable sweets when the three of them happen to go home together.

Even though Hana High was on the other side of town, Sakuya insisted that the three of them should take a picture together during graduation (since their graduations were on the same day!). People from Ouka were mildly surprised at the two Hana High kids taking a picture with the most intimidating guy in school, but they just let it slide out of fear. Omi printed out four pics later, one for each of the new graduates and one for the Mankai lounge! Juza and Sakuya treasure the picture so much, and though Banri won't admit it, he thinks the picture is pretty nice.

There was one time they ran into one of Sakuya's relatives that obviously didn't like him and was an ass about it. Banri and Juza teamed up to scare them away without letting Sakuya notice, and they grabbed Sakuya's favorite snack before going home.

You thought only Sakuya influenced them? Wrong. Aside from getting tips for action scenes and the like, Sakuya also got some of their mischievousness! He once joined Citron in a light prank against Hisoka, and Hisoka didn't even suspect Sakuya at all. Though Sakuya isn't too fond of casually making fun of others, Banri encouraging him (Juza just rolled his eyes) to be a bit more tricky was pretty effective and it always catches the unsuspecting victim off guard.

I also like to think that Sakuya's hairstyles in Clockwork and KniRoun were influenced by Banri and Juza respectively!

Though it might seem that their dynamic from the outside is like two delinquents and an innocent kid, Banri and Juza actually respect Sakuya! I think Sakuya might have mentioned his old family situation while the three of them were out, so the two understand his determination and cheerfulness. Sakuya also looks up to them!

Aside from the drinking party with the adults once they turned 20, the three of them also went out on their own to drink!

#a3!#a3! act! addict! actors!#a3! actor training game #a3! sakuya #a3! banri #a3! juza #sakuya sakuma #banri settsu #juza hyodo #a3! headcanons #this post was written once i realized that they didn't have a graduation event 0(-(#the three of them also happen to be high up in my oshi list

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matildaverse · 5 years

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Dummies guide to... Nygmobblepot!

❓= Riddler

🐧= Penguin

Season 2

- ❓ undressed 🐧 also there was only one bed in the apartment? They shared it!!!!!

- They sang tunes and murdered people like an old married couple??

- PHONE CALLS ™️ [even Lee thought ❓ was on the phone to to his partner!!]

- Jim “what’s the nature of your relationship with 🐧 ???” ❓ stops to think then 💔 says friends [yees I realise it’s because ❓ was put on the spot but he was still sad!]

- ❓ asks 🐧 if there is anything he can do for him when he’s at GCPD? He was 💯% ready to smuggle 🐧 outta jail??? Where HE WORKS

- ❓ makes mental checklist of what 🐧 asks him to do (and I’m pretty sure he kept his word)

- ❓ is ecstatic to see 🐧 when he is released from Arkham Asylum (crazy jail)

- ❓ rejects 🐧 after he is released from Arkham because he is busy and 🐧 has changed

Season 3

- 🐧 visits ❓ in Arkham, gave him sweater and cookies and found the most difficult puzzle box he could to gift 🎁 ❓

- ❓ knows how to make origami 🐧. Is so apologetic about rejecting him

- 🐧 talking to you is keeping me sane or something...

- 🐧 eat 🐠

- 🐧 knows ❓ suit size “I had to guess” da heck you staring at him??

- ❓ is like bruh you gotta win this election honest .🐧 : love you but nah I’m not good enough now shuddup

- ❓ *love riddle*

- *❓ reprises love riddle* *🐧 answers it* omg the PEOPLE LOVE ME . ❓ looks disappointed 😔 for a split second like “yah sure the people not me hahhahahahah”

- ❓ reaches out to protect the statue of 🐧 mummy from blowing up cause he knows 🐧 cares about it

- Husband moment ™️ - ❓ cleans 🐧 shirt sleeve after 🐧 spilt wine on it and 🐧 calms down around him but is also very open about his problems and insecurities.

- ❓ stands in front of 🐧 when butch attacks. Gets choked! Cue:

[In this scene 🐧 lets go of ❓for a split second in which ❓grasps quickly on 🐧 collar. They feel safe with each other 🥰]

- ❓” I hope you know 🐧, I would do anything for you.”

- The hug that we ALL know was gonna be a kiss like c’mon!! 🐧 had to physically push ❓ out of the way to hug him!!!

- 🐧 falls in love with ❓(canonically)

- 🐧 attempts to confess. ❓ looks a upset when 🐧 goes oh I forgot as if he kinda knew what was up.

- ❓EXTREMELY apologetic about not finding Butch (the guy who betrayed 🐧)

- 🐧” I would be lost without you”

- 🐧 basically arranges a date!!! ❓is down for it but gets distracted by Isabelle (an unhealthy relationship)

- “I understand that you’re meant to wait 24hours before filing a missing persons report buT SIR I AM THE MAYOR”

- Basically every 🐧 scene when ❓ is with Isabelle

- ❓didn’t figure out 🐧 killed her when that was LITERALLY HIS OLD JOB (love made him blind???)

- ❓love is about sacrifice! You didn’t love me cos you killed my gal pal!

- 🐧 actually agrees with him. 🐧sacrifices himself for ❓(even though he tried to murder him???)

- ❓ wth am I supposed to do now??? Panics and shoots 🐧 anyways (suppressing his feelings much)

- ❓ forces hallucinations of 🐧 to keep him for a little longer... 😭😭😭 nobody he met could replace 🐧

- Hallucination!🐧 SANG A LOVE SONG!!!!!💔

- ❓tells 🦊 stuff about 🐧. He CASUALLY mentions that 🐧 is the only one that understood him!

- calling each other names (hairpulling)

- Was that the only plan you had ❓to escape jail???

^You don’t have to hold him like that????

- 🐧 freezes ❓and KEEPS HIM 🥶

Season 4

- ❓cosplays as 🐧 making fun of him in the narrows.

Skip ahead... [I forgot this part]

- Evil❓breaks 🐧outta Arkham...

- ❓helps 🐧adopted son “let’s get ice cream” . ❓is now Martin’s 2nd dad!

- ❓🐧and Lee team up.

- ❓talks to 🐧 like they’re bffs again. *rants about how he had to dress up like and old lady for Zsasz or something???*

- ❓gets tortured and he doesn’t give up 🐧??????

- 🐧saves him. ❓ “you gave up your revenge for me?”

[Context: Sophia Falcons betrayed 🐧 threatened his adopted baby boi (forcing 🐧 to relocate him). 🐧chose to save ❓over killing Sophia which for him is like HUGE (he loves revenge)]

- “I trust you” 🥰

Yada yada.. ❓mildly betrays 🐧 for some reason (later 🐧 forgets it and he hates betrayal it’s like his thing: Rage revenge)

Season 5

- 🐧 saves ❓ life after he been 🔪 🔪 (with the help of a man who TORTURED them both)

- His “I’m going to fix you❓” is soft and sincere (in the 2nd version Idk why but the two times it played it sounded different to moi)

- 🐧names his 🐶 “Edward”

- 🐧 hates whoever 💣 haven! Until he finds out it was❓

- 🐧 *so soft* “ ❓ what have you done” I swear it’s like genuine concern!!!!

-❓🐧 reunite (again) ❓ is 😡 but 🐧 kinda calms him

- ❓: you saved me whyyyy???

- 🐧: “what was I meant to do LET YOU DIE?!” [love you idiot] “...friend...”

- Promise to never stab each other in the back (only the front) as friends 🔪🔪🔪

- Basically the weedding vows of murder husbands if you ask me but hey I might be biased!

- Oh and they’re holding hands in the leaked pics what kinda friend holds hand not to mention they’re hanging together after 10 YEARS (excluding the 4 years they were frenemies + 1 year acquaintances)

I may be looking into some stuff a little bit but I’m mad and it’s midnight. Maybe I missed stuff???

Side note : gifs are not mine

TL;DR

Penguin canonically loves Ed

The domestic phone calls and convos

THE HUGS (mostly the almost kiss)

Wedding Vows

Ten years time they’re still hanging out!!

#premature rant #in case it isnt canon #forcing my friends to read this #my ship will sail!#Gotham #Nygmobblepot #Nygma #Cobblepot #Riddler

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succ-season-4-when · 2 years

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I think this episode (E8) is the darkest the show can get. I don't think I can ever watch it again.

1) Just the funniest thing they did with Kendall. My line of thought still stands that if anyone dies at the end of the season, this is the best show I've ever watched.

I'll probably buy most of their merch and become terminally obsessed with this show.

2) Shiv deciding to freeze an embryo right after Caroline said that she made the right decision by not having kids...

3) Shiv's "dirty talk". I was cringing into another dimension.

4) I can't believe they showed a main character's dick pic on the show. For some reason I never thought this show would cross that line.

5) E9's promo not showing Ken is probably a very bad sign given where this episode ended. But again we can sort of tell that Tom's probably going to jail, so...

6) Would they be able to go through the merger with Gojo? I don't doubt Lukas didn't want to sell his company, but letting WR's executives handle his company?? Somehow I don't see that happening. I don't think Lukas knew for sure Logan would've said yes to the merger, and the way he talked to Roman was a bit alarming--judging by his disrespect to Logan in E9's promo, he's probably looking to buy WR (if he wants to be involved in a deal at all).

7) Shiv determined to fight the battle in the long run, which is somewhat motivated by Caroline...the 2nd funniest thing this episode, she's got her board seat & didn't even show to the meeting, and Sandi was expecting her (can the fic writers hurry up?).

8) They are really ramping up the misogyny this season (also the incest jokes, etc.), and it's--probably only funny to me? Like I perused audience opinions for a long while (during hiatus & now during airtime), so seeing this play out very realistically in a completely uncomfortable light is such a laugh.

9) Greg's conversation with Shiv & Tom, etc.: with the entire first half, the tone was still very jovial and merry; the scenes at night were plain depressing, and then the ending shots were just...I probably felt like Shiv, mildly entertained by a disaster playing out in front of me & somehow feeling nothing at all.

10) So Ken did want an out. My guess was that he wouldn't take it, but it does seem like he a) thought Logan wanted him gone, b) thought if he lost then there's no point to this all (aka still pretty fucking suicidal).

I thought if he wanted the money so he'll take it gladly, but he looked like he just thought there's no other choice (which is also true, since it's what I thought as well). It turned out Logan didn't want him out (to the surprise of him & me), so he's just left with his suicidal feelings and a broken heart (?).

He should have enough cash on hand to do something with his life, but I don't know what he can do with his shares & board seat in the company unless he wants somebody (i.e. Lukas) to try to pull another hostile takeover on the company.

We didn't see that shot of him walking around the pool of water & falling into it or something from the S3 trailer, so either it's cut or he's gonna do that the next episode (Lmao, can you imagine if he died off-screen? God this show is hysterical).

11) If the dick pic thing's what Logan "saves" Gerri from, then there's a big problem with the phrasing used for hints to avoid spoilers.

12) Ken becoming disillusioned with capitalism (?)...like, he's right, but for the wrong reasons...so, typical him.

13) The writers really wanted the audience to learn just who Shiv is, huh. The dedication deserves a few Emmys at least.

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cedar-woods · 4 years

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FwB seemingly turning (mildly) degrading.

I am in a fwb situation that is also long distance, like across the world long distance.

We've known each other since high school and had a few times that we played around/hooked up, but both of us were very shy/insecure in the sexual world then. We stayed friends, but haven't seen each other in 10 years. We briefly stopped talking for a few years because he got married.

He got divorced and reconnected with me last year. I was in a relationship up until the past few months(not because of him).

He and I have been "sexting," sending pics and vids etc.

Well one day recently to get us going, I sent him a pic of me naked, yet it was more of a "tasteful artsy" kind of photo. The only thing visible was one nipple.

His response to the pic was "Yo! You a freak!"

I was taken aback. Yes text is complicated and I know there are worse things to be called. However, I didn't expect anything much for him to say like "you're beautiful" or anything too deep and serious, but I definitely didn't expect that sort of reaction.

I asked "umm is that good or bad?" He said "depends...it made my penis excited if that helps your opinion.

In the moment it did, and we did our thing for hours(longer than normal) and he came twice during that time.

After thinking about it though it kind of really bothered me. The next time we were sharing pics I jokingly(albeit probably didn't come across that way through text) said 'I'd share but you may call me a freak again.' Then he responded with "I mean. Are you not?" I then said I guess by some standards but not what I would call myself. He said ok and we moved on in convo.

I'm feeling confused on if he's coming across as disrespectful. The 2nd convo about it made me feel so, but I dont know if I'm just being sensitive/overreacting. I guess it was just something I wouldn't imagine someone I'm "in relations with" saying to me. We do have somewhat of a dom/sub situation, but only recently talked that way mildly. That same night actually.

Does this seem derogatory? Should I let it go? Does it seem like he's taken the dom perspective to almost degration? Am I clearly just a sexual fantasy/object for him that he doesn't think needs respect or has feelings? Am I just being a prude?

We have always shared our sexual fantasies/endeavors and maybe I'm just feeling judged knowing that he knows a lot about me.

submitted by /u/quixoticnymph [link] [comments] source https://www.reddit.com/r/sexover30/comments/gq2bbl/fwb_seemingly_turning_mildly_degrading/

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todokori-kun · 7 years

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WELCOME BACK!

<3 I really missed you, and it’s so great to hear you had fun! (and omg yes so ready to see all those beautiful pics)

Yaaayyyy join me in MCU feels hell. And oooh, you have a ship for the fandom now! Like, Stoki’s still my favorite Steve pairing but Stony’s really cool too…you know I ship almost everything XD (also am I the only person who sorta hated almost everyone by the end of CW? Like, of course they’re still my favs and there are still some cinnamon rolls, but, come on. Why couldn’t you all just get along ;-;)

Speaking of Illumi, do you know that Hisoka/Illumi is an incredibly popular ship in the HxH fandom? Probably because both of them are so horrible that they have like 0 friends other than each other. Nobody else wants to hang out with these losers. (Chrollo tolerates Hisoka and the adults in Illumi’s family seem to spend enough time with him to give him orders, but that’s about it.) It’s a trash ship with two trashy people and tbh I love it XD

So continuing with the eye jokes, imagine. Hisoillu version of Helpless. Hisoillu version of Satisfied.

“Look into his eyes and the sky’s the limit”

“Intelligent eyes in a hunger-pang frame”

(I know you did thise one before but still) “But when I fantasize at night, it’s Illumi’s eyes”

just, I’m imagining animatics for this with the ‘camera’ zooming in on Illumi’s dead fish eyes every time the lyrics mention them. It’s hilarious and also mildly terrifying

(though I guess if we’re actually making a Hamilton AU Hisoka’s way more likely to do something like Say No To This…)

idk if I’d want to be a parent either really LOL. Kids are adorable but I don’t think I’ll ever be responsible enough to raise one…

If Ishida makes a plot twist or something about it being someone else pretending to be Hide I'm actually gonna get mad. Dude. Not only would that bring the Hide feels right back it’d just make absolutely no sense omg

(also you read the new chapter, right? So, let’s talk about Juuzou and that huge death flag)

I’ve heard of Soul Eater and considered reading it but it’s not really the kind of thing I’m into…artwork’s cute, though, and Death the Kid seems like an interesting guy so maybe someday XD

AGH I’M ACTUALLY SORTA JEALOUS BECAUSE WOW I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA HOW TO WATCH THAT LEGALLY HERE IN KOREA. (unless I ask my dad for help but he doesn’t like manga/anime at all, so…) But yes, I’m really happy Lizzy finally got her moment this time! Now anime-only fans can’t complain about her being a ‘shallow’ character so hopefully there’ll be less fighting over Lizzy in the Kuro fandom :D

FINALLY. Fellow Death Note fan <3333 Who’s your fav? Do you have any ships? Are you done with the anime??? :D (also do you know…you picked a really interesting time to join the DN fandom. The American live-action movie just came out and it sucks so freaking bad, like I haven’t even watched it yet and just from the reviews/clips, here’s what I got:

-They turned Misa into this Harley Quinn-type character. Only without any depth.

-Light/Misa is an actual canon ship, like, it’s not abusive or one-sided like it is in the anime/manga, it’s just…a thing. Light loves Misa. Misa loves Light. It’s like every cringey high school romance movie ever, only with more murder

-They freaking bent the Death Note rules just so Light could get away with all sorts of ridiculous stuff

-L cries, L rants, L is overly emotional

-Light tells L where he hid a page from his Death Note. Light doesn’t deny being Kira. Light shows Misa his Death Note when they like barely know each other and she’s still a complete stranger to him. Light acts like an idiot.

-Oh sure, he’s Kira, God of the New World, but he still cares about going to prom with his girlfriend and making stupid faces as they pose for pictures

-So much unnecessary gore. Heart attacks are Kira’s thing, Light isn’t that emotional about his kills, he doesn’t care as long as the 'villains’ are dead, so why???

-Apparently Rem does not exist. Sayu doesn't exist either. Light’s mom is dead (probably so he can angst over her)

-Light Turner. Light TURNER. Out of all the surnames they could have chosen…

-And now, for the most unforgivable sin:

How dare they not include the Potato Chip scene)

And then random things: JJ and Light have the same voice actor. Yurio and Mello (imo…have you met Mello yet?) could be long-lost twins.

Also:

I’ve fallen into Steven Universe hell and now I’m imagining so. Many. Gem AUs. Have you ever heard of SU?

(look:

1- don’t stress about the messages, and come on, I’d never get mad at you over something like this! You’re way too awesome.

2- I don’t really know what to say 'cause I’m bad at comforting people, but ugh, it sucks to hear that school’s tiring you out! Queen Luna’s gonna get through this, though. I mean, you’re great at so many things and you’re freaking smart and…this is awkward but maybe you understand Evans Language by now? XD Guess I’m just trying to say that I’m sure you’ll do great, and if you ever need someone to talk to I’m (almost) always free *hugs*

3- Um. So, other than tumblr, I think the only way I can talk with you right now is if we email each other? The email address I used this time is my real one (or rather, my dad’s, since I don’t have one of my own yet…) so maybe we can talk about this more through email and find a better way to contact each other? If that’s ok with you can you send me a message there?)

P.S:

I’ve started college and have no idea what I’m doing

*slams head against keyboard* guess who managed to get sick. It’s only been a week since school started. Whatever, I’m still going to school, but I woke up breathing like a fish on land, bc asthma. Yay.

I’m definitely gonna upload the pics today!!

Okay, but one thing I’m wondering about, is How? Not in a malicious way or anything, I’m genuinely curious to why you ship Stoki (and where it began). Was it that redemption fic you told me about or did you ship it before?

Tbh, I didn’t hate the characters in CW, I hated the situation. Because there’s so so much pointless conflict that could easily be solved if everyone sat down and talked like normal people. But nooo we have to go around attacking each other. ((ALSO CAP’S LETTER TO TONY, I AM DEAD))

I’ve already learned (and experienced) that shipping is a very weird and unusual thing, so I’ll be honest and say I’m not even surprised that ship exists. At least it has some basis XD

I’m actually tempted to go through the lyrics of the whole musical and find every single eye line there is, only to replace it w Illumi’s eyes.

Not only zooming in on the eyes, the word itself is louder than the rest XD man if only I could draw…

Tbh I’d say I’m responsible enough (HA, that’s more or less a lie), but I’m honestly way too irritated with the little ones to be able to have one of my own. My cousin recently celebrated her 3rd bday and I was stuck looking after her during the party, bc all the adults were talking among themselves and I swear to god, I haven’t moved that much since I had to run 2km for PE. Where do they get their energy. Not to mention the adults thought it would be a good idea to leave me w her, because I’d already drunk 3 glasses of wine (i was bored and not allowed to do anything other than stare at emptiness or look after a 3yo). Turns out my tolerance isn’t that bad after all.

Lol let’s be honest, Ishida would totally do that. He knows the fandom would riot and that’s the whole point.

All the death flags. Tbh I don’t know how I feel about it. It’s obvious that either Touka or Juuzou are probably gonna die and I wan’t neither (If I have to choose tho, I’d rather Juuzou survives.) Also Naki. HNNNNNNGH

I think you’d actually like the manga? It takes a pretty dark turn compared to the anime and deals with lots of mental issues (the whole theme of the later volumes is Madness). Also, lots of death XD Well, the artwork changes drastically, so which one are you talking about XD

The girl in the coat (left first pic, middle 2nd) is the same person for reference. Death the Kid was one of my first anime crushes. The guy has OCD and is a total badass.

MUHAHAHAHA I think someone uploaded the Lizzy fight to youtube so you can probably find it there, but I am in love. The animation is beautiful, so that’s also a huge plus. All in all, it was handled really well.

Death Note

So last I’ve watched is ep 25, aka the one WHERE L DIES. And i am not okay. I am nowhere near okay. Nope. Not at all.

Oh i’ve heard all about the adaptation. Tbh I find the whitewashing hilarious. Setting the movie in America removes so much of the series’s logic, so why? L being the way he is is probably my favourite mistake. They took the best character and ruined him completely. POTATO CHIP SCENE NOOOO But my question is: did everything go just according to the keikaku?

Have fun w SU! I’ve watched it for a while, but gave up at some point. I might pick it up again if I have the time ^^ Word of advice, watch out for the fandom, they’re among the most toxic ones I’ve ever encountered. One time, they almost drove an artist to suicide because she didn’t draw Rose ‘thick enough’. So yeah.

What did I do to deserve you as my friend TT^TT Thank you so so much, those words mean more than you can imagine.

Um. Looks like we’ll be staying here, because I never, ever check my mail, despite getting school assignments there, so yeah. If we used mail, you’d probably get a response every leap year.

How does the education system work in Korea? Like, at what age do you start going to which school?

Also, I’ve told you about Mystic Messenger? I think you’d like the newest update, because damn, it’s creeping me out. Also, it’s in Korean, so + ((My thoughts during the prologue of the new route: Nani the fuck))

#evans #submission

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amyvictoriali · 5 years

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Weight gain.

They say that metabolism slows down in your mid 20-s. I knew this day would eventually come, but I was nevertheless wholly unprepared. I think my height leveled off at 5′5 freshman year of high school, and since then my weight in high school fluctuated around 105-115 pounds, senior year being the heaviest. I went off to college feeling kinda chubby, and worked my ass off the summer before my sophomore year to get things back under control. Sophomore year I reached 105 again and felt like I was in the best shape of my life. Pic on the left = winter of sophomore year. Then, junior/senior year the weight started creeping back up, especially because I got so stressed applying to med school and would use days off to imbibe rather than workout (don’t be like me lol). Not to mention being official legal = going out to drinks all the freaking time. By the time I finished college, I was at 127 lbs. Big yikes. 127 isn’t that bad for a 5′5 girl with muscle, but it’s pretty bad for someone like me who is all fat and no muscle. I also store fat primarily at my waistline, making it even worse to be even mildly overweight. I went from wearing a size 0 pants to a size 5 and from a S to a M (and thus had to re-buy all my clothes). Once again, I tried to crack down on weight loss, and after my first year of med school I managed to get it back down, but only to about 118 :( It was still a 10 pound drop though and I felt encouraged that there was only 10 more pounds to go to get back to looking the way I wanted to look.

AND THEN 2nd Year/STEP 1 HIT ME LIKE A TON OF ROCKS (or, more accurately, heaping pounds of pasta)

Maybe it’s because David moved in my second year and we are always eating out, or maybe it’s because I became extremely sedentary studying for Step (no joke my day would be like wake up, study in bed, eat food, study in chair, eat more food, study back in bed, sleep ... maybe like 100 steps a day and this was for 3 months) ...

Whatever the reasons, I stepped on a scale recently and I am 126-7 pounds after a meal, 124 in the morning. GUYS. I lost all my progress in a mere matter of months. It is so disheartening. I feel like I’m back to the drawing board with 20 pounds to lose. And what’s even more pressing is the upcoming bachelorette trip and wedding. These pounds NEED to go.

I’m going wedding dress shopping this weekend with some of my besties, and there’s a part of me that already feels sadness about looking like an elephant as I try these dresses on. It’s supposed to be a fun day of feeling fabulous, but it’s hard to feel that when all you feel is f a t.

Tangent: period bloating or face bloat after sleeping too much is the worst. I was at a cat cafe earlier this week and my face was soo freaking bloated I saw the pic and wanted to cry. Salty food is also my vice ugh ugh ugh

Tangent 2: being overweight/storing fat in your belly is infinitely worse when you don’t really have boobs, b/c then you can’t even be like “oh hey I’m just curvy now” like no, I am still flat-chested and bearing giant 2nd trimester belly

Whining aside, I’m publicizing all of this to feel more held accountable. Losing 15-20 pounds in 2 years is doable, and I know this. I’m sure if I put in some cardio 2-3x a week and cut back on the takeout I could lose the first 10 easily. The second 10 will require more effort and intense dieting, but if it’s a pre-wedding thing I don’t necessarily have to sustain, it’s also do-able. I can...be content with a 115. Overjoyed with a 105, happy with 110. 115-120 puts me in anxiety, and >120 and I am the trainwreck you see now. Well, actually you don’t SEE all the panic that goes on in my mind, but my days are essentially covered with a veil of gloom b/c anytime I pass by a mirror or take a pic I’m reminded of how fat I’ve become. Btw, the pic of me on the right was taken a few weeks ago, and that’s even after I edited the photo a bit to slim my face slightly. In reality it’s even chubbier. When I was looking over engagement photos my bro took, I was like, “does the camera add 10 or do I just look like that now?” and he, being as honest as ever, was just like “dude that’s just you now...you’re not skinny anymore” and I died a little on the inside.

Y’all, I will do this. Will check back once I’ve hit 120. I am gluttonous and lazy but for the sake of an upcoming wedding, I must have self-restraint.

#getslim2k19

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in-the-midst-of-everything · 6 years

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Hey today was one fuck of a day!!!

Idk if I should bitch about it first or talk about yesterday, cuz yesterday was pretty good. But damn. Today just fucking sucks. I think I will do that first cuz ending with happy thoughts sounds like a better idea. And I gotta get this off my chest.

So we went to biolife yesterday and couldn't donate, so we both loaded up on iron and tried again today. Nothing. Both of us got turned away for one point below safe iron levels. Idk how?? I usually have good luck with donating, only if I haven't eaten enough I get turned away, but I had plenty of food in the prior 24 hours, ate a bowl of toasty-o's (80% daily iron value???) Which usually does the trick but nah. A wasted trip up to point, planned on coming home with $50 in gas money but NOPE. Now I'm down to 13 (?) on my biolife card and $75 to my name otherwise. That's it. That's all I got. So much for getting my shit sorted out in 2k18 cuz I am waaaaaaaaaaay behind on that plan. I have money coming from uncle Tim and Kathy, plus 2 art commissions I need to kick my ass into gear for, so I'll be ok but FUCK man. It's fucking July in a week and I'm STILL fucking scraping by

And I am PISSED at Sharon but I don't know how to tell her cuz I've been trained out of being confrontational my entire life and I don't wanna lose my damn job cuz she's been an absolute bitch lately. But I'm STILL getting half fucking paychecks cuz I guess I'm still paying off the forwarded money from this winter, I wasn't aware this would be going halfway the fuck into summer, I've drained my savings paying bills and fixing my fucking car I have next to nothing left. I can't buy food. I can't buy alcohol to cope, I can't do literally anything cuz I'm motherfucking broke. I was supposed to have money saved up to take the cats to the vet, get my motorcycle liscence and start looking for a bike, save money for a road trip this fall, but fuck ALL of that cuz I'm cruzing through the year by skin of my teeth.

And the big kicker, the motherfucking cherry on top, I haven't been getting my full 40 each week. Sharon has some kind of crisis going on that she's watching her money, so I missed 5 hours last week cuz she didn't have anything for me to do??? Bull fucking SHIT there is SO MUCH that needs to be done around that fucking place but she sent me home. ON TOP OF cutting my summer hours from 10/day to 9.5 to 9.75. Which isn't a huge change but really???? Just. WHY.

And I also mentioned she's been damn near unbearable all year so far, everything I thought she wanted from me is flipped now. I started clocking in right from the start 5 mins early. Cuz she specifically sat me down and told me last year she hated me being there on the dot, that I could punch in 5 mins early. Well now I guess I clock out early too, "just in case you go over time". Which is easy enough to fucking fix, just clock out sooner next day BUT WHATEVER. IDFK SHARON.

And I didn't say anything when she first told me this shit cuz I can't process information that fast and what it means on my end so I just agree on the spot and fuck myself over.

SO. I went into work today an hour later by her request, after a whole morning of low key panicking about money and doing the nasty ass dishes. She left almost immediately after showing me what to clean up by the big garage, and after I washed the rtv I fucked off and sat in the office with Holly for an hour. Cuz I needed someone to talk to, just bs with and not anything important. And it was pretty good. I had developed a migraine on the way home from point and chilling out in the office helped it. I spent the next 7 hours weed whacking the shit outta the mess around the big garage, pulling water line tubing from the matted grass, and organizing the trash into a burn pile and pick up pile. It sped time along really fast actually, and I was actually pretty ok for most of the day, aside from itchy, sweaty and frustrated. I cleaned the bathrooms at 10 and sat around wasting time for a bit to push my time to midnight to make the most out of my night, and on the walk back to put my shit away 2 things happened.

1st Sharon texted me at 11:40 asking if I was still cleaning bathrooms. Fucking yes, I have til midnight and I came in late, I'm not going over time in anyway ffs.

2nd one of Rome's buddies caught me on my way past and asked me over for a shot of his long island iced tea, which ofc I accepted. It was good, I haven't had hard liquor in so long it was actually really good. He asked what I was up to and told me about how Sharon busted them last night at 1am having fun in the camper. Cuz it was past "quiet time". On a Friday night, really Sharon? God, no fun allowed. He offered me a ride back to put my cleaning shit away, and I mentioned that I had to clock out and head home. Immediately after getting in my car I thought wtf, I should've made better conversation?? Like, at least act like I would hang around if they invited me, cuz I totally would, I've been so socially deprived lately it's not even funny. But I didnt??? I just was like....ya...I'm headed home. And he didn't push, but like. Idk. It all boils down to I have a paranoia about my image at the campground. As stupid as that sounds. But I'm literally always doing manual labor, usually focused on a job or have headphones as earplugs in so I can't talk (not that Sharon would let me anyway) and I leave right after I clock out cuz no one invites me over cuz I don't talk to anyone. Like I feel like my presence there isn't impacting literally anyone, I'm just the Employee That Does Work and that's it. And this paranoia was cemented recently when I finally followed the Facebook page, saw how often she updates and all the pics and videos she uses have like, Bill and Holly and other campers in them, she was showing off the jump pad and stuff and like...that wouldn't be there without me. I spent days digging the fucking trench for the electric line by hand, AFTER clearing the field and leveling the plot. AND I helped roll it out and set it up. Like idk I feel like I do all the hard work but don't get to join in any of the fun? And it just feels really shitty when none of your work is acknowledged. And going back to my intial(?) point, I'm so socially deprived and downright //lonely//. And I feel bad saying it cuz Hope and I live together, we're literally always sharing space together but I feel like I have no one else. Kenzie's barely existing being dragged down by work and money stress, I try to stay in close touch but it's hard. And out of this circle? Nothing. Kenzie has Dan and her coworkers to talk to, Hope is constantly on discord talking to the chat there, she tells me all about that. And I have...no one else. I message my sisters frequently but they're both insanely busy. I'm seeing Nikki and Cassy on Wednesday to help them move, but despite Nikki and I really hitting it off we don't actually talk regularly and that kinda makes me sad. But I'm conflicted there too, I'll rant in another post about that.

And idk. I'm just so. Genuinely. Lonely. I have no one to go see (not that I'd have the fucking time lmao) no one to talk to, starting new aquaintenceships is exhausting as all hell, and when I'm not around Hope I'm alone with my own thoughts. I've always been a loner, I'm comfortable in my own company and I can have fun by myself...but it's really taking a toll on me. Especially since Hope and kenzie seem like they can't keep up with me. I'm ready to do almost anything, anytime, but Hope needs several days' warning to do anything big and kenzies always tired. We managed a friend day out a couple weeks ago, we went out to Rabbit rock and I could've explored and climbed for another 2 hours, but their legs hurt and it was hot out, and they headed back to the car while I was still on the rock. There was plenty of daylight left and I would've loved to visit the woods or go hang at the lake, but we ended up heading back home and chilling at the apartment. Which was fine. I wasn't mad or anything, I just wanted more outside time. I miss the excitement, the sense of adventure. Kenzie and I made it out to the woods once this spring, and we didn't even wander. We just drove out to scope out the trails and left. And it's getting so hard to hang out in general, our work schedules never align and we're all broke af. I'm so exausted. I'm sick and tired of working our asses off but not getting ahead. We're all fucking behind yet despite all our efforts, it's just not good enough.

I came home tonight with all these thoughts knocking around in my head and doing all I could to hold back tears. Immediately grabbed my 2 beers from the fridge and got in the shower, tried to relax myself and drown out some of the panic, but it's not feeling like it's working. I'm just mildly dizzy Andy headaches coming back from crying. Idk what to do anymore. I have plans for once in my life but even the simplest goals are continuously just out of reach. I tell myself to just keep rolling with it, try to build momentum and you'll get there eventually. But I'm so far from making any headway. I'm keeping my head up but it's getting so, so hard....

#journal #june 2018 #ill continue in another post fuck it #i gotta break down a bit #ramblings

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