#Can't let myself become too attached XD

[inkabelledesigns]

I know I'm posting a day late here, but Happy Birthday Bendy! February 10th, 2024 marks the 7 year anniversary of when Bendy and the Ink Machine came out. And boy, has it been a wild ride. Normally I would reserve this for my Bendy sideblog, @angelofthepage , but I'm posting it here because this is where I started years ago, and I want some of those people who don't see that blog to have a chance to see this. Because you guys are a part of this story.

In about three months, seven years ago, I was in finals hell, working through my process book for my packaging design class in one of the dorm lounges while my roommate had taken the room for herself again. And the only thing keeping me sane was putting Can't Be Erased and Build Our Machine on loop as I worked. BATIM only had two chapters out, and I didn't know everything about it, but I was so intrigued by what its deal was. I took one look at Sammy Lawrence and I wanted to know everything about him. Something about this barely started game, the idea of your characters coming to life to kill you, it thrilled me, intrigued me. It was something I was really afraid of, being so attached to my characters and putting so much of my identity in my art. And while the story isn't really all that much about cartoons themselves being alive, it gave me something else that ended up changing my life.

Over that summer, I would become obsessed, and for the first time in years, I let myself be a fangirl again. And maybe one day I'll pull up the timeline and tell you how it all went down. But right now, after all the celebrating of yesterday, I just wanna take a moment to appreciate the last seven years. All the people I've met, all the friends I've made. All the experiences we've had together, big and small. Some have been incredibly close, and others have been people I still smile about whenever I see them on my feed, even if we're not all doing stuff in the same fandom anymore. There's some people I've fallen out of touch with that I likely won't ever see again that I miss. There's some I'll be lucky if I never see again. There's the official voice actors for Dark Revival, which I've had the pleasure of working with on community things here in the fandom. I regularly moderate their livestreams (or Lovestreams as we call them) where they sign prints and interact with us fans (and sometimes I'm tech support, once an ink machine technician, always an ink machine technician xD). I'm honored to call a lot of them my friends, we've had some truly wonderful conversations. I've spent a lot of time in a variety of servers, trying to uplift people and make for a positive fandom experience for everyone, fans old and new. Sometimes it lands me in interesting places, like helping out over on the Inky News channel. The host, Brandon, invited me over to guest star on his anniversary stream yesterday, and in the past I've been fortunate enough to showcase my art on two of his interviews, one with Dave Rivas and one with Adrienne Kress. Sometimes it lands me on fun projects, like working on a fan game, and for the first time it's not as a voice actor! I'm a writer. I've had my work uplifted in turn too, meeting people who value me for me and also cheer me on when I try new things (sometimes entirely new mediums like doll customizing). I got my first helpful constructive critique in this fandom, and it was something I ASKED for. That is a huge personal milestone! I have a really complex and twisty set of feelings about critique, and finally, I feel better, because someone helped me start to unravel that just by being themselves and being thoughtful. It's inspired me to want to be better in how I handle critique and problem solving with others.

I spent so much of my life putting my self worth in other people's hands. I thought I would never be good enough to have friends who didn't treat me like garbage. I thought I'd never be a good artist in any sense of the word either. But I was wrong. I've grown. I'm valued, I'm wanted. I don't have to hide parts of myself to be desirable. Sometimes being the silly, goofy, fangirl that is Kat is enough. My art is enough, my ideas are enough, my flavor is tasty, and I am a goddamn treat. And after so many years of not knowing that, I'm glad I finally do. And it's all because of the people. It wasn't ever that my flavor was bad, it's that I hadn't found people with a taste for it yet. Bendy's greatest gift was giving me a fresh start, a chance to meet new people, good people, and for that, I'm forever grateful. Even though things have changed, I'm glad I met each and every one of you, you all taught me something valuable along the way, and I think about those experiences we shared often.

I won't lie to you, I've been rather frustrated with Bendy lately. And I think a lot of it has to do with the games not truly having grown with me. At some point our paths deviated, and there are elements of what's come and what's coming that are getting away from what really enticed me about the very first entry, the things I valued most in it. But in some ways, analyzing that has led me to figure out what made that first game so special. It was human. It was a character focused game, and each of the characters, while vague, gave us just enough about themselves that we could feel for them, get invested, imagine, maybe even sympathize. Everyone is a tragedy, but they're all different flavors of tragedy. And it was seeing people explore that, seeing people write these characters in ways that were so human, that really built a connection. For some people, Bendy is another indie horror experience. For others, it's something to indulge in that hits hard on a personal level. In many ways, it attracts a lot of us who feel like misfits. It's many things. But to me, the magic was in the people. The people in this universe, and the people in its real world community.

It has solidified my belief that people should play with fiction however they want, no matter how far it deviates from the canon, no matter how weird it is. Go be interpretive, go tell your story, go be free to make what speaks to you! (All I ask is that you're thoughtful about tagging it so people can make smart choices about engaging with it.) All stories are worth telling. Even if no one gets into it, having told it makes a difference.

Whether you're someone who's been there from the beginning, or someone that's new to Bendy, I hope you're all having fun. Whether you've finished exploring the world or you've just begun, I hope you've found something valuable. Thank you, for coming along for the ride. Here's to many more fun experiences and stories, be they official or be they in the fandom. Happy Bendyversary!

#long post #bendy and the ink machine #batim #bendyversary #personal thoughts #bendy

[bylightofdawn]

Are ya'll ready for: El seriously overthinks video games + minor FF7 Rebirth spoilers hour?

I'm finishing up the mission on Junon where Cloud and Co go undercover and just watching Cloud lose himself in the role, genuinely getting ATTACHED to the Seventh Infantry and me then having to escort my baby infantry ducklings around as they murder other Shinra troops out of the mistaken belief they are on the other side made me FEEL A LOT OF THINGS. Like holy shit that’s insane even typing it out. And kinda dark and a little twisted. And potentially fucks those poor Infantry troops over yet they are STILL rode or die for Cloud. I wasn't expecting to get socked in the feels as much as I did.

Because Cloud is so detached and emotionally standoffish, watching him seriously get into the role of playing at the Captain of the Seventh Infantry is hella significant.

And I think it's because it's so familiar and something he is missing. He misses the camaraderie and brotherhood of serving. Sure, he moved onto becoming a SOLDIER and who was his damn role model/sempai? Zack Fair who is one of the most big-hearted, best big brother energy dude ever. So of course he would subconsciously internalize that's what a good leader should do. Sure, there was also Sephiroth but he's clearly the worst and reflects what bad leadership skills would be.

So yeah, I think there's a part of Cloud that misses serving, or at least misses that sense of brotherhood. He's been a lone wolf for so long, I can't imagine he's not starved for that kind of connection. It's also prolly easier and less complicated than the relationships he has with the main party.

Okay so that's me being all philosophical. Now let me be a degenerate and horny on main for a second.

Holy fuck nuggets Rufus is so hot. He's ALWAYS been hot but he's especially hot and v. Ice Prince-y and I fucking love it. I am laughing at the absurdity of his clothing and how it continually gets more complicated and ridiculous. He legitimately looks like he's wearing a fucking farthingale with that ridiculous belt collection he's wearing. Or yanno....bdsm gear. XD

Somehow they have managed to take Roche who was already at Maito Gai levels of over the time 100% energy and made him even MORE ridiculously and over the top. I lowkey wish he would stop talking. I have an excellent solution on how to do that and that is for Cloud to shut him up by fucking him until his brains bleed out of his ears over his stupid bike. Or yanno, there are other ways to shut him up varying from gag and other creative things to occupy his mouth with.

Even though it's clear Cloud is pretty hetero-coded but after like 25 years of soooooo much Sephiroth/Cloud, Zack/Cloud fan content, I don't think that's going to stop the internet (or myself) from shipping him like a fandom bike. Hell I actually love Cloud/Tifa cause I am a disgusting multi-shipper.

Ahem. Anyway I hope Cloud gets to reunite with his Seventh Infantry people at some point. I think I'm like.....1/3 of the way through the game and holy shit. I've discovered I detest minigames. I love side-missions in games but fuck DDR minigames or that damn in real time strategy game Fort Condor. There's a reason I've never been interested in FF Tactics.

EDIT: OMG Red XIII going full on Karen Mode and demanding to speak to the bartender/employee who won’t let him play in the Queen’s Blood tournament because he’s an ‘animal’ is the funniest shit I’ve seen so far in this game. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

EDIT 2: never mind, Red going full on Chester Cheetah/Michael Jackson absolutely takes the cake. I’m ded.  I also stayed up way too late beaten this freaking queens blood tournament mini game and I really gotta go to bed now.

#el plays video games #ff7 rebirth #ff7 rebirth spoilers #final fantasy rebirth spoilers

[sky-squido]

K, N, X, Z? ^u^

K: What’s the angstiest idea you’ve ever come up with?

i knew what K stood for before even opening the post. hi silver! hope you're doing well XD

almost perma-death'd hyrule once. it was gonna be a whole huge fic, like a full LU novelization that really convinced you it was going to be a whole big funtimes quest. but it was going to have the MCD tag from the very beginning and a boldface warning that "one of the 9 boys will die and he will not be coming back."

somewhere between the one-half and two-thirds mark i was gonna murk him. it was going to have all the story weight and be a gorgeous scene (on mount satori, blupees and fairies gathering around him, his malice-induced suffering finally relieved when the lord of the mountain takes his life with the touch of the forehead, i even did art of it, i was seriously planning on writing it). and he was gonna be DEAD. like not even a ghost or anything and never brought back. like he was just gonna be GONE.

i was gonna split up his triforce amongst the others, too, with i think sky getting power, legend getting courage, and wind getting wisdom (there would have been a reason they couldn't use it to bring him back and those three would have been the ones he was closest to. he would have given power to sky because he was so sure sky would have the emotional fortitude to handle his death the best and then be proven utterly wrong very shortly thereafter. i also remember legend would have gotten courage because courage was something hyrule knew he would need in the aftermath of his death. i also think two of his spells were tied to each triforce corner).

obviously i never wrote it, and i don't intend to anymore. it was part of a phase where i was like "nobody writes stories where one of the actual main characters (not like a mentor or a clearly death fodder best friend) dies like halfway through and the others have to continue on and finish the journey without them and don't get them back at the end because that's not how real life works." then i realized why. because they're SAD! like clearly i don't mind writing sad things, but the biggest factor that dissuaded me from doing it was the knowledge that i would have to finish the fic without being able to write hyrule. no more lines from him, no more playing with or experimenting with his character—and i couldn't kill any of them, not just hyrule, because i knew, somehow, deep down, that it wouldn't be doing their characters justice to cut them from the narrative. they all either have something vital to contribute or deserve more screentime to give their characters the depth and complexity they deserve. to quote myself in poltea's dms, "I'm grieving for someone I haven't even killed yet!"

without mentioning anything specific to avoid spoilers, i've written character fakeout deaths before and do you know how HARD it is? i've just taken a fully developed, nuanced, interesting character (if someone isn't those things, then it's not even worth pretending to kill them) and deleted my ability to write them! what?! why would i do that! bring them back i have stuff i want them to do and say! their story isn't over!

so yeah. that's the story of the gut-wrenching quasi-grimdark shameless hyrule MCD fic i didn't write.

and JEEZ i was going to spend so much time building up all these relationships at the beginning because i wanted his death to hurt as much as possible. not just a 1k oneshot where a character gets a pretty death scene and the fics ends, but you really become attached to this world and these people.

and that's why this fic doesn't exist. i literally don't think i could write it. i wouldn't be able to. it's so completely different than committing to keeping legend blind in what hyrule hadn't seen. i just. i can't do it. let the record state that i am too much of a softy to write permanent MCD.

N: Is there a fic you wish someone else would write (or finish) for you?

uh. see above? it would destroy me but if someone wrote a full novelization of LU where everyone was given depth and complexity and then legitimately, believably, murked one of the nine halfway through and then sat with that grief and forced the boys to deal with it in all their messy, terrible ways, and then ultimately rise above it and save the world, i would read that and sob a lot and hate you for it but i also think it would be something so incredibly powerful.

oh, yeah, another reason i never wrote permanent MCD hyrule fic is that i've been fortunate enough not to have lost anyone incredibly close to me that i was old enough to remember. i feel like it'd be so far out of my comfort zone trying to do justice to emotions i've never fully felt the weight of. maybe i'll re-evaluate if i ever do lose someone and need to work through it somehow, but for now, this fic idea is perma-benched.

X: A character you enjoy making suffer.

i also love bullying legend. specifically because i know he can take it. and he's so SASSY. my question is never if legend can overcome something, but just how he'll manage to pull it off and how brightly i can convincingly get him to smile at the end.

i also also... have a new punching bag. kind of? i'll be playing with him eventually and i really wanna see how much fun i can have shoving him around and seeing how he reacts >:3

Z: Major character death–do you ever write/read it? Is there a character whose death you can’t tolerate?

uh. see above 2: electric boogaloo? i actually... *leans forward* conspiratorially.

i like reading mcd fics. but long ones. where characters are actually given time to really deal with their grief. that's why i wanted to write the fic described above and why i've read as many mcu fics as i have.

the only deaths i can't tolerate are deaths of characters who didn't feel fully developed. you didn't kill a person, you killed a decorative wall hanging, calm down.

anyway, that's that. i should have (and 100% did) expect these from silver, the angst gremlin themself XD love ya, nerd.

#squido answers

[thegrinningkitten]

Inspired by the many times Alaina was asked about MCQ versions of Dream and Nightmare, I present to you WorldView-style bios for the twins + Killer. Obviously, not canon, but they were fun to make!

Dream and Nightmare belong to Joku.

Killer belongs to @rahafwabas

MommaCQ and WorldView belong to @alainaprana

#Dream #Nightmare #Killer #MommaCQ #? #WorldView #fanart #Jass' art #Technically I even have a sort-of story for them in my head but eh :P #Can't let myself become too attached XD

[magicbench]

what inspired you to write fujiwara and CoF? :)

[Sorry for the following wall of text, please bear with me lol] For Fujiwara, at first I actually didn't plan to make it a story this long...The project actually has a "first version", a really short game named "Fujiwara High School Festival" if I remember well the name and that I did for a visual novel's challenge called Nanoreno where you have to make something to start from fnish in 1 month. At the time I did it only to prove myself that I'd be able to do something on my own and be proud of it and the game only featured Ikki and Yuta who were simply called Delinquent-kun and Prince-sama. As you can see I didn't put much thoughts into giving them proper names xD And though they had "cliché" personalities, they didn't have a backstory at all either. Basically, the MC (who didn't have a name either) was a last year midle school student going to prospect a certain -but random- high school during its school festival's day, bumping either into Delinquent-kun or Prince-sama and doing a tour of the festival. Minami did already exist though ! And there was a super mega random classmate guy wearing a ghost costume too. That's pretty it.

But...the more I wrote about them, the more I got attached and in the end when I released this tiny project I realized it wasn't enough for me and started to give Delinquent-kun and Prince-sama names, friends, families, brainstorming why there personalities were like that, etc etc. More characters were added, Ikki would have childhood friends called Toshio and Ryu, Yuta would have a secret, and a smart rival (for studies and popularity) called Haru and who also have a secret. And this mister-random-ghost-guy ? Let's call him Kenji and be one of Minami's good friends ! Aaaand after that...I decided "Oh well...at this point I just want to write them all main and backstories. Let's make them LIs too !" I also tried and changed a lot the art style until I finally settled on what is the one in the current game ~ And there was finally born the Fujiwara Bittersweet that we know today, with Aya and the 6 sad boys x)

Now, for Colors of Fate, it was also after I did a Nanoreno on my own. Unfortunately you can't play it anymore (or was it Fujiwara V.1 ?) as the website where I uploaded it is down ^^" But maybe I'll share it on my Discord server someday since I still have the project's code O/ The only notable thing which change with CoF V.1 is that the prologue is way shorter than the demo's current version and that it has a end somehow, where you see the characters grown up after the incident. There was only one love interest at the time and the idea of adding more came after that, when I decided to make it a longer project. But...as you probably realized, this time I am not the one taking care of either the art of the writing and the reason is really simple : I thought that my style wouldn't fit a CoF's longer project at all and I didn't like my art for this kind of story either. I wanted something with a more flowery and poetic writing which I was totally unable to do myself, one of the main reason being that english isn't my native language and that wasn't confident in my capacities about conveying this kind of feeling in my writing x) Cirro did and I'm so glad she accepted to be CoF's writer ! The same goes for Aria's (sprite artist) and Kat's (backgrounds artist) art, I just fell in love with their work and couldn't in any way do such a good job as they did ! And with all the other members (music, code, proofreading/editing) I have no doubts that Colors of Fate will become a really beautiful project (I mean...the demo already is !) and that people will love our little Melia's story ! ❤ Also...for those who aren't aware, we decided to add the duke Aiden in addition to the other LIs. If you don't fear a fabulous "sadistic trash man", then you'll probably enjoy the experience with him too ;')

----- Phew, wow that was a lot of words ! Your eyes are doing okay ? ;-; In any case, I hope I was able to answer your question properly...don't hesitate to not read all of this in a one go xD

[writingonesdreams]

Will I let myself care?

Acacia's POV. Feel piece. Set later in the story after the trio has been travelling together for some time. Acacia wonders if she will let herself care about her companions or not. I’m apparently producitve these days XD. Still experimenting with voices. Wip Stormkeeper

***

Maybe a person only has so much capacity for feelings.

We only have one heart, right, so maybe if we pour it into something strongly enough, we don't have space for anything else.

We can't be hurt by anything else.

I didn't know what to do. It felt like being at a crossroad, like I had a big decision to make although I didn't know what the choices were.

Sitting in the cafeteria I was gnawing at my pencil, watching Kyler opposite me. He looked calm and distracted, watching other people. I knew on some level that it was only a facade, that he never let his guard down. I could feel how tense his body was under the table, a pulled string ready to snap.

I couldn't believe my opinion of him could have changed so drastically in the few weeks we have travelled together.

How I could go from being irritated by his presence to being drawn to him, from being apprehensive to being this...interested.

I wasn't even sure what to think of him, how to place him. He was full of contradictions and I myself was full of assumptions, that was clear.

I didn't understand him. I didn't understand how he could go on a job he disagreed with so much, and yet be so dedicated in fulfilling it. I couldn't understand how he could stand my presence when he loathed my work, or why he would ever show interest and make the effort to find more about it.

I didn't understand. Did I want to?

I never cared all that much about my colleagues. They changed a lot, Shifters came and went, students changed, my fellow researchers worked in their own regions so even if they spend a few weeks at the institute, and I made lots of connections to visit and meet on my journey, I didn't make friends. I didn't get attached to them, not really.

Everyone was a puzzle piece, the next step on the journey. Each opinion was important for the goal, for the research, each person had something relevant to contribute. But they themselves? They didn't matter. As if I just didn't have the capacity or time. They didn't serve a purpose so I threw the sympathies away.

Sometimes it scared me. Sometimes I regretted it, missed company or a kindred spirit to talk with. But was it for the research again or for me?

I couldn't decide. When you find your purpose like that, when you find the one thing you wake up for every morning and that your heart beats for, do you have the space to care about anything else?

Most of the time I didn't. Most of the time it wouldn't have resulted into anything.

But looking at Kyler right in front of me, feeling myself interested, I felt the choice.

Do I let myself care? Do I try to get closer, to get to know him? Will I risk getting attached when I might never work with him again after this is over? Or will this only disappoint me?

Sometimes it's better to let things look nice. Sometimes by approaching them you will only ruin your impression.

Wes's laughter carries to me from the side, breaking up my thoughts again.

That's Wes for you.

Laughing so loudly and carelessly like he didn't have a worry in life. Standing by the bar making conversations with the waitress.

Knowing we would move on from the city the next day. Knowing it wouldn't have to work out.

He confused me. We got along easier than with Kyler, with the Shifter being so open and honest, often serving as a peacemaker between us. His eyes sparkled with excitement, he talked a lot and without thinking, but somehow tended to say the right thing.

He was so open yet I couldn't relate, couldn't do things the way he did.

How could he not worry like that? Throw himself at things, every chance, every opportunity, with a smile and confidence like it couldn't go wrong?

Wes was even less experienced with travelling than me. He didn't have half the background knowledge of each region and city we crossed. Yet he tended to make friends easily, laugh loudly and ask shamelessly, somehow bringing out more out of each visit.

I bit my lip and chanced a look at Kyler again. Watching the bar. Then flicking his gaze to windows, always keeping watch.

Yet somehow pointedly not looking at me.

What does it mean? Do I want to know?

Do I want to care and take the risks that come with it?

I twisted the pencil in my hand, swirling it through the air. Kyler's eyes immediately flew to me, the quick movement almost alarming him.

Always watching out and around me. I could get used to this, having someone so attentive around. I felt safe now, his presence becoming invisible, comfortable. Natural.

It almost made me smile. My heart was beating excitedly, as if I came across an important realization, a connection to note down.

In science it was always important to stay open to new connections, new unexpected possibilities that came out from the fieldnotes and their analysis. To keep an eye on realizations and knowledge one didn't expect or looked for at the beginning of the research.

Being open, being changed, wasn't just possible, it was necessary. Encouraged. Desired.

Maybe that's what I should do with this dilemma too. Open myself to the possibility and see what happens next.

Maybe I will open my heart a little. Just a tiny bit.

For the possibility something will connect.

#writeblr #creative writing #writers on tumblr #etherealcove #amwriting #my writing #my wip #wip: stormkeeper #Acacia #the trio