#Everything Youve Ever Worked For

[sea-buns]

Forgive me if I'm a bit nervous about Gorgug this season. It's just that the last Zac Oyama pc was Colin Provolone, who was arguably one of his greatest D20 performances, if not the greatest.

Zac always does great with every pc he plays, but Colin was something else. He came out swinging with actions and words that were teeming with unspoken emotional baggage. The way Colin's presence affected the other pcs; there was this level of depth that I don't think I've seen in any of his other characters. It was understated and quiet in that signature "just a guy" way that he tends to be, while still captivating everyone instantly with just how raw it was.

Not to say we haven't seen emotional depth in Gorgug. It's just that, compared to the other Bad Kids, Gorgug's journey and progression as a character has been very... impersonal? Like, yes, he found his birth parents, and he found friends who appreciate him, and he faced his insecurities about his intelligence, and he navigated relationship troubles, and his trial through the claustrophobic bug-tunnels was a horrifically-uncanny parallel to how he's spent his entire life trying to make himself as small as possible.

But how much of that has actually changed him from the Gorgug we started with? I would agree that he's definitely happier with his life, given all the loving and supportive people that have been added to it when it used to be just him and his parents. And he's certainly grown into himself and become more self-assured in his abilities, even if he's still, and always will be, our anxious little guy. And there's nothing wrong with that. I've always liked how Gorgug was a representation of all the little things. The subtle acts and kindnesses that don't seem like much to most, but to some are everything.

We don't need another Bad Kid living in fear that their mouth could be shit-in at any moment. We've already got one-too-many.

All that being said, I just feel like Gorgug's personal story beats are much easier to sweep under the rug than everyone else's. He has the same soft and understated quality that Colin held, but they lack that extra oomph that pushed Colin over the edge from being just another guy in a series of dudes, to a character that the vast majority of us could not get out of our heads. He took someone who was anxious and softspoken, who ultimately never wanted to be violent— someone who is remarkably similar to Gorgug in many ways— and maintained that demeanor and core in Colin's character while still hitting us in the feels with character development at max velocity at every turn.

I think Zac gets better and better at this with every season that goes by. With each new character, there is always something that leaves me stunned in awe. And it's been, what, three? Four years since we last saw Gorgug?

I'm just,,, I'm cautiously optimistic but also going into a bit of a worry about what violence this man may inflict upon us

#i got SO carried away LMAO #i dont think ive ever written any posts about gorgug specifically #i made a lot about colin. and some about pib. and some more about zacs performances in general. #but never anything gorgug-focused. i just wasnt on tumblr at those other times that hed been on my mind like this #you can tell i still couldnt resist talking about colin lol #he was just so fucking good. a fantastic character all around. i cant imagine a better example to get my point across than him #when i do posts like this its all very much just me taking a vague idea and working with whatever comes out in the moment #so when i tell you i very much did not plan to get lost in the counterargument and had to stop for a second to remember what my point was #my point still stands but so does everything else #you dont realize it. how similar gorgug and colin really are. or how metaphorical the bug tunnel was. #or how gorgug IS the epitome of little details. small acts. quiet rights and wrongs. the faint causes and the even subtler effects. #u dont truly realize it until youre writing it yourself in a free flow fugue state and it all comes to a halt cuz youve blown your own mind #anyway i love gorgug and i love zac pcs and i hope this post makes sense cuz finding the right words was fucking hard hah #dimension 20 #d20 #fantasy high #fantasy high junior year #fhjy #fantasy high sophomore year #fhsy #gorgug thistlespring #the ravening war #trw #colin provolone #zac oyama

[jirai-kei-freak]

why does it have to be this way

#Why #I was doing so good this past year #There were times I was literally crying tears of joy because I haven’t felt as happy as I was in years #Now shit’s coming back and I don’t like it #Every fucking time man #“Well life is supposed to have its ups and downs” HAVE YOUVE WENT THROUGH WHAT I WENT THROUGH #summer through all the way to the end of 2023 was one of two of the most miserable times I ever went through #I was almost never happy #Had cheap laughs for like 20 minutes then back to misery #There wasn’t a single day were I didn’t wish i was dead #Literally I would wake up and i immediately wanted to start crying #Thats how bad things were #You could see it in my face how lonely and miserable i was #I hadnt felt that empty for like a good few years since then #It was to the point where I thought there was never going to be light in my life ever again #I went through some fucked up shit and now im traumatized 10x more then i was before #The first day of school was a weak after some extremely traumatic stuff happened man #Then the new year started and everything was starting to get better #I started taking medication #I was much more happier #My self esteem boosted up #I started working on myself and became a better person #I dont think i ever had a period of my life where i felt THAT BETTER #Like I said i was crying because I had felt a massive weight lifted off my shoulders #It literally felt like i saw the light #I legitimately thought things were getting truly getting better #It’s just gonna be the same damn cycle over and over again huh? #For several months I feel depressed as shit #Then for a few months things start to clear up #Then suddenly and abruptly things go back to the shit

[ask-artsy-oncie]

Yeah I really have no patience for self-important people who desperately want to inject themselves into creative industries just because they consider "enjoying media" their defining trait that somehow other people don't have. Being a dedicated fan is a great thing for sure, but you become self-absorbed when you think that, alone, is why you deserve to cut out a hole for yourself in the industry and not maybe the fact that you've put in the work to hone industry-specific skills.

Creative fields are not easy money or easy clout or whatever. Believing so is such a disrespect to those skills and everyone who's worked so hard to get where they are.

#Stupid shit #Vent #Don't mind me just get really angry when I see the adult versions of the 'my uncle works at nintendo' types #A phenomenon most people grow out of after entering high school #It's so fucking embarrassing seeing full grown adults acting so childishly just so they can inject themselves out of selfishness. #This also applies to people who claim to actually work a creative field but have absolutely nothing to show for it #Oh you're a graphic designer? You're an animator? A producer? Where's your portfolio? Any posts with your work? #Any proof at all that you actually study and work at honing this creative skill???? #Any history of participating in projects and contributing??? Even just financially?? #ANY EVIDENCE OF ANY CREATIVE INPUT YOUVE EVER GIVEN?? EVER???? #no? You just wanna run your mouth under the guise of having authority on a subject you have literally no experience in??? #That's what I thought. #Be fucking wary of these people and don't fucking buy everything they say because they're gonna invent whatever lie gets them attention

[redcolourpalette]

TIL not everyone felt deep-rooted dread and anguish reading airplane extra and you know what at this point it's just a self report huh.

#svsss #shang qinghua #no but listen i fucking had to take a break when the noodles scene happened cuz #can you imagine watching everything youve ever wanted through media youve yourself created happen in front of you excluding you #no matter how happy you are for everyone involded this whole extra up until the end when it gets a promise of change is about #being FUCKING ALONE and still trying to make it work while feeling FUCKING ALONE and WITHOUTH THE ONLY THING THAT MADE YOU FEEL WORTH

[rosicheeks]

.

#welllllllllllllllllllllllllll #wasn’t expecting to have a nervous breakdown at 4am but hi here we are #do you ever look at your life and wonder how the fuck you got where you are #like little me dreamed such a different life #I had so many plans and goals #and now I’m just struggling to survive #didn’t I just graduate high school? #…….. no that was in 2016 #we are now in 2024????? #is time real #I know I need to go to therapy and all that but I have a question #does anyone else struggle with time? #like you’re always late (to everything - work/chilling with friends/family/ literally no matter how hard you try you’re always late) #or days and weeks and years just pass you by and all of a sudden you open your eyes and realize it’s been years since youve felt anything? #idk the last time I felt alive was probably 2016 when I graduated boy oh BOY was I not prepared for the real world #and it’s just been a downward spiral ever since #anyway I got distracted #if anyone else has a problem with time and has been diagnosed with something please let me know #I’m trying to figure out if it’s a symptom of something #like adhd or maybe it’s just my depression who knows #lol I hope this doesn’t come off bad or weird but y’all know what I mean #🤦🏽‍♀️😂 #shut up rosie

[camelspit]

biting and clawing trying to write an essay rn

#i can write essays! but this teacher drives me insane #because ik no matter what i do its not going to work #not a single person this year has written an essay thats gotten in the 90s in her class #i have an 89 on one and thats it. thats the highest. #we do everything she fucking tells us to do and its not good enough #on my last essay she went over it. and marked all the stuff she didnt like. And i fucking fixed it. #and she was like 'lol no. 89' #and she has like a billion comma rules that she hasnt told us. so all of us lose points for commas every fucking time. #same shit with projects. #for our last project she told our team that we had her favorite project and she really really liked it #I even spent like $40 getting shit for it #And she gave us a fucking 82 #We went over each fucking requirement she wanted like 5 times and made sure we had everything #We did everything she FUCKING WANTED US TO #AND SHE DIDNT EXPLAIN THAT GRADE EVER?? #agh. i hate her so much. like girl go back to south dakota and leave us the fuck alone. #she doesnt even teach. she tells us boring ass stories about her life in south dakota and how she hates grammarly #like girl clearly you need grammarly because youve spelled shakespeare as shaeksepare twice now #she makes me hate english

[prescienceofdawn]

.

#cant believe itll have been seven years tomorrow #youve been on my mind so much lately #last time i saw you was the protest after the election #i wish we’d gotten more time #i wish you were here fighting with us #i wish so many things #i wish youd had the chance to go to college to fall in love again to try out new recipes to complain about traffic to listen to new music #to see your sister grow up to see everything all of it #selfishly i wish you wouldve been down to spend more time with me if youd lived. wish i couldve explained why i got distant from the group #wish i couldve explained how badly i wanted to keep talking to you and why i couldnt #i wish you couldve gone to the equity meeting i wish we couldve cried together wish we couldve bitched together #i wish so many things were different #i wonder what youd think of me now. what youd think of all of us. i wonder if you’re watching #i wonder if ill get to see you again when i die #sometimes i think i see you at work at the grocery store on the sidewalk and for a second i think maybe somehow its you #i wonder if youd come back if you could or if youd still choose death #did your pain die with you or did it follow you? i hope youre happier wherever you are #i hope your rest is so profound it outshines everything that was killing you i hope you know no one ever forgot you #i hope you know how much they all still love you how much i still care for you even though we didnt get much time together

[goldenguillotines]

Mikaze teaching vs. Mikaze working is so fucking funny because he can be so patient or not at all.

#Its the well. Youre learning. Youre new.. you might not even know how to chop or dice something.. or know how to work a stove #vs. #You can make some mistakes but youve been working in food for HOW long??? and everything is coming back? Get the fuck out #puts he hair up into the littlest lil ponytail ever

[dot823]

im going through hell right now

#i can hardly make myself even do things i like doing #let alone things i need to do #even eating is a struggle #because the effort of getting out of bed and getting food is too hard #and also i cant afford to just buy food because my family is poor as fuck right now #i spend hours just on tumblr or instagram or talking with friends while doing nothing constructive and then i feel exhausted and pass out #i need to do my taxes and i need to deal with work things or get a new job and i need to be an adult #but i cant even get myself to play my favorite video game im so down #the idea of even having to leave my house for four hours to work is too much #putting on pants is a lot of effort #and i cant apply for disability bc ive tried and it's so goddamn hard and they expect you to remember everything youve ever done #and every penny you've ever held #and god FORBID you have family or friends who have ever given you money to help you #its literally ridiculous #not to mention the state of my house is horrible bc my whole family is depressed #and i want to move so badly but i cant even afford the gas to get to my friends house even if i just loaded my car up and left #im struggling #my mom gets paid in 8 days and until then i have approximately 2 frozen meals and some pasta i can eat #everything else in my house i cant eat because of dietary restrictions and most of it is expired anyway

[du-hjarta-skulblaka]

Also im spending most of my time lately playing Sunless Sea bc I've fallen in love with it again even though I'm. Quite bad and mainly doing the same gameplay loops. But I do have a little notebook with like 10 pages of notes on trade prices and quest requirements and for the first time ever I managed to buy thr cargo ship :)

#ive only died like 3 times #admitedly once was monumentslly embarassing #ran out of fuel like 3 feet away from the palmerston harbour #but yeah! i absolutly love fallen london its such a rad and fucked up setting #especially love how the lore works #like. you just kinda get tossed in #nothing is ever explained to you you just gotta peice it together yourself #and when you finally do you genuinely feel like youve unearthed some eldritch knowledge #plus everything is absolutly batshit and yet still makes complete contextual sense once you understand #looking at you parabola #v much current hyperfixation would love to ramble to someone about it

[gayday]

.

#chronically lonely and not havingn a good time #time to rant #long whiny probably triggering tags below youve been warned #im so fucking alone and its never gonna get better #nothing has ever been okay and nothing will ever be okay and tumblr post by people with so much privilege they have no idea #cant convince me life is ever gonna be okay because its not its just not thats a lie by people who already had money and friends and #stable lives at my age #‟youre too young to know‟ too bad i know how data analysis works and based on almost 18 years of data Nothing ever gets better and it rly #only ever gets worse #im not good at anything and no one likes me and no one ever will. or i will get abandoned by anyone i think i can trust because thats just #the way it always goes #the only escape and the only rational solution at this point is to put a bullet in my head #‟suicide doesnt solve anything‟ what is it not solving. I am the only reason i have problems #if i was not there to experience the problems I have. the problems would not exist #and theyre never gonna get better #if i remove myself from the equation ill never experience a negative emotion or a problem ever again therefore making there no problem #no one would miss me if i was gone and i serve no purpose besides being an annoying burden and a waste of resources #everything would be better without me #oh also i experience no positive emotions that last long enough to matter or that dont get tainted by 10x more negative ones #so staying around to experience positive things doesnt work bc i literally only feel numb or angry or hopeless #btw im in therapy and on 3 psych meds i think im just a lost cause #no point! #this is not a suicide note i have no means of doing so I'm just really frustrated and nothing is okay at all so i needed to rant ok byeeee

[chaos-and-cookies]

When I was a kid I didn't think I'd live past 27

I'll be 29 next week

God I wish she was right like holy fucking shit man *gestures vaguely* I can't live like this anymore lol. lmao.

#between late stage capitalism and my own health and hospital experiences surely giving me some kinda ptsd/cptsd ontop of everything else #why tf would i wanna live thru any more of this shit dude #almost 30 and no place of my own #cant work cuz of all my health issues #and my health is absolute shit dude like #I'm not gonna do the deed but god if im not the gods little punching bag idk what i am #life is the shittiest party youve ever been to and im the piñata

[pinkseas]

mnfgmfmgnn rambling

#IM LOSINMG MY FUCKING MIND !!!!! OVER THIS SONG #i dont wanna be here if youre not....... #ill remember you you said.................. #tough talk but im nice ive lived a lot of lives............... #theres at least a tiny handful of fox academy songs i feel fit c!karl pretty well #vampire banquet is a HUGE one #literally the entire thing being trapped somewhere knowing there's no way out and you're going to die #periwinkle murder mystery #everything youve ever known it goes away #everything you love the most it goes away #911 for more of a bad ending vibe #i had 3 others in the playlist mostly for vibes but those are gone now i REALLY need to work on this playlist #might do that right now #while im thinking about Him anyways #a lot of the songs i initially put in were very like. #surreal? maybe? to try and capture that not entirely here feeling #but its not Right or at least not entirely right #idk we'll see if i do anything with it

[yelloworangesoda]

this got away from me

#i wish i was a rich pretty guy or something but instead im a regular looking regular guy with parents that earn regular money #i was born to be one of those annoying bratty rich kids who dont work ever. that should be me #or something. i complain about work constantly but guys i do not want to go to school. i dont. i dont. i dont i dont. i dont i dont and i #dont know what to do about it. its spring. ive got like a month to figure out how im getting out of this #im not doing this i cannot do this. i cant i cant i cant. im so stressed i can tell im so stressed bc im getting acne and my eczema is awfu #its only a matter of time before i break out in hives or some shit i cant do it i cant do it. i cant. i cant #god everything is really getting to me. i cant i dont have a place here i dont i have no purpose in life and everyone just wants me to act #like. thats not true bc um. well! haha what are you gonna do! haha its fine. keep moving forward. ignore your anxiety and the fact that #everything makes you miserable constantly. and even the things that make you happy make you miserable. ignore that #go to college. normal ppl go to college :) no you want to sleep all day because youre not doing anything. which is a personal failure. #you should instead do something that makes you miserable. thatll fix it. dont kill yourself thats stupid. you have so much to live for! lik #um. well youre supposed to live. so. ignore yknow everything in the world and push forward. bc it will get better! once um. #um. yknow. you graduate in 8 years? be a dentist…. um bc. you like teeth. and it makes money. and well you need the money! youre going to #college!!!! you need that money to pay for it after all. dont think about it dont think about it dont think about it dont think about it #its okay we’ll do everything we can to make it cheaper. to do the thing you dont want to do at all even a little bit. no dont kill yourself #you have so much to live for! a career in something youve never been interested in! or yknow a different career youre not interested in #i dont want to kill myself!!! i dont want to kill myself i want something to fucking live for!!!!!! a want a life that doesnt make me feel #like i have to kill myself!!!!!!!!!! #simons spouting #vent :( #suicide //

[sleepyagent]

i had a crush on youbut then i got to know youand i fell in love with youand

#love #theres always always always the possibility im delulu #maybe im just in love with an idea of you #maybe im just in love with my interpretation of you #ik youre faulty #ik you make mistakes #and ik theyre all forgiveable #ik you arent the worst #ik you got other kinds of feelings #ik know you deserve whatever you wish for #ik you know urself best #ik we wont be together #ik ur loveable the way you are and will be #ik youre trying #ik youve been growing #maybe idk at all #anything ever #my brain is quite foggy after all #it doesnt work the way it used to #everythings 400% more effort #idk anything but i feel #words #mine #im prolly gonna feel a bit lost in a few years if i am still alive by then #as a 30 sth person being rid of years of unrequited feelings like over 10 years ago #im curious about 30 #i feel like its gonna be a turning point for me #idk in what way yet #ik the earth keeps turning #ik the sun hasnt imploded yet

[klonoadoortophantomile]

lost like allllll my motivation for making art what the fuck =(

#also i want to . play video games really badly but theres also a lot of Interesting Long Videos ive had sitting in my yt watch later for #like months now and the volume slider on dolphin wont work so i cant do both X( #cuz well the video game i wanna play is. unfortunately shadow the hedgehog and its really only fun to play when youve got something else to #do at the same time (well at least in my opinion) and normally i would talk to my sister or smthn while playing but shes busy #inquisitivewaltz.txt #im really sad abt the art thing tho i have so many things i wanna draw for artfight!!!!!!!!!! i have revenges i wanna get working on!!!!! #but everytime i sit down and try to Actually Get Things Done its like. no more ideas i forgot everything i ever knew abt art. yknow ? #maybe im just tired idk i didnt get any sleep at all last night #[the fireworks were going off until like 1 in the morning. pretty much all of our nearest neighbors were setting ones off. it was so loud #AND I HAD TO WAKE UP TO GET TO SUMMER SCHOOL AT 7:30 SINCE THAT STARTED AGAIN TODAY AHGHGGHHGHHG #it was fine btw. the teachers suck (theyre like really passive agressive and rude to everyone??? also dont explain things very clearly) but #im not gonna be having any homework so ill at least have freetime one i get home =3 #okay this is just turning into me rambling abt wahtever sorry lol