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cupcakegumbo · 6 years

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Panic!

Our best friend is diabetic and autistic. We all met around the same time, and my husband and I have been his closest friends since we met, so we have known him going on 30 years. Every other week, my husband and I run him around and help him do his errands, as he doesn't have a car of his own, and he really doesn't like to drive. This is a twice monthly thing that we do for him when he gets his paychecks. In return for our company and driving him around, he likes to end our trip into town by stopping somewhere to eat, and he picks up the tab. This is one of his favorite parts of the day. We have learned over the years, that there are things that our friend just doesn't think about due to his autism, and if we don't take them into account there will be issues with our anxiety as we try to readjust our plans. Due to being diabetic, our friend needs to eat rather regularly. Not wanting to inconvenience us, he often forgets to eat something before meeting up. We have tried to explain to him that it's better if he eats something before we leave, so that he doesn't start having issues with low blood sugar, as it really affects his ability to think and function. He does try, and we know that he isn't trying to make things difficult for us when he doesn't eat. He just doesn't notice when his blood sugar is dropping and assumes that he will be fine; this happens nearly every time. So my husband has simply started taking it into account that he will not have eaten anything in his rush to meet up with us, so the first stop we make is to get him something small to eat to bring his blood sugar up to level. For my husband, keeping everything outlined on a list, helps him to keep his anxiety in check. So now the first thing that we do when we all get in the car, is ask him if he's eaten anything. When the answer is no, my hubby immediately knows to add a quick food stop to the top of his list. Any deviation from his list tends to throw my hubby into chaos. Yesterday was such a day. It was a hot day, the temperature got up into the mid 90s'. (About 32 degrees Celsius, for the non Americans.) We started out asking our friend if he had eaten and the answer was no. So my husband nodded, and mentally adjusted his list. I started to comment and he gave me a panicked look and a wave of his hand. I nodded and told him no problem, I understood. He laughed and said that he had a momentary wave of euphoria because I had agreed with him and basically confirmed that he had this. So the day started out okay, things were under control. We stopped and got our friend a bite to eat, and were back on track. One of my hubbies conditions due to his anxiety and PTSD, is hyper vigilance. That means that his brain is constantly on alert for trouble or danger. This can be both a good thing and a bad thing. It's a good thing, because he is very aware of other drivers and is constantly on the lookout for dangerous situations. This is also a bad thing, because his brain never stops doing that. It is constantly looking for trouble and trying to adjust when it thinks it spots some. Which means that he's hyper aware of me as well, and is constantly trying to keep me safe. So if I negatively react to something, (even subconsciously) he notes it and begins to try and adjust to keep me safe. This of course makes him more anxious. My anxiety is triggered a lot of times due to my empathy. I tend to feel (in some folks opinion) too strongly for total strangers. As we were driving along the main street of town, there was a parked car ahead of us that had what looked roughly like a two year old little boy leaning out the open window on the traffic side, watching it go by. The mother in me immediately began to panic seeing him leaning dangerously far out of the window. My hubby picking up on my panic, became even more cautious as we approached the car. The child was laughing and smiling, and he leaned back in as we drove by. I looked over to see if his parents or whoever was watching him had a good hold on him, and realized that there was no one else in the car. I closed my eyes in absolute terror as my mind began giving me very graphic images of what could possibly happen to the child. My husband noted my increased panic, but did not know what caused it so assumed that it was just the child leaning out of the window in proximity to our car that had me panicked and got us past it a little quicker. I couldn't explain until we were a long way past the car, and then my hubby got really angry at the missing parents. Sadly our anxiety prevented us from going back to make sure the child was safe. Mine due to not wanting to turn back and see any of the horrible things that my imagination was conjuring actually happen, and my hubby due to not being able to handle trying to adjust his mental list to suddenly include trying to find somewhere to turn around, park, and go back to check on the child only to have someone think he was trying to kidnap him. So, both of us were already trying to deal with panic at this point. Our friend in the back seat, was blissfully unaware of what was going on and was happily enjoying the ride. Now I was not only rattled by this incident, but was also feeling guilty for not going back to make sure that someone elses child was okay. My brain was screaming at me to not get involved, and also screaming at me, that if anything happened to the child it would be all my fault for not going back and making sure he was safe. My husband had also noted at this point that due to the bright sunny day, more people seemed to be driving like idiots than normal. People switching lanes without turn signals, cutting dangerously close to other cars while cutting them off. That sort of thing. Someone (who was not in a turn lane) even took an illegal left turn against the light cutting someone off who was actually turning left from the turn lane. So my hubby was being extra careful with his defensive driving. We managed to make it through nearly all of the errands that our friend needed to run, so it was now approaching his favorite part of the trip. Sharing a good meal with us. We only had one more stop to make and then it was off to a restaurant we had already picked out ahead of time. We made our last stop, without incident, but I was so hot and tired at this point from sitting in the car while they ran into the different shops, that I had lost any appetite that I'd had. I'd had a minor panic attack in one of the stores early on due to asking to spend some money on a video game and then finding out that it would be $5 more expensive than I originally thought. We don't have a lot of money, so if I feel like we are spending too much on something frivolous that I asked for, it makes me panic. I actually wound up running out of the game store to hide in the car when I realized that the game I thought was only going to be $15, was actually going to cost $20. That may not seem like a lot of money to most folks, but since I don't have a job, every little bit that I ask to be spent feels like I'm taking food out of our mouths. My hubby on the other hand feels that if it helps to keep us sane, it's a worthwhile expenditure. So I couldn't go into any of the other stores, and there was never any shade to park in. Even with the windows open, it was hot as heck. Finally it got to the meal segment of our day. We had picked a place that we had enjoyed eating at the last time we were in town, so we knew where we were going and we all knew basically what we wanted. Since I had no appetite I told my husband that I would just be ordering my meal to go. My thought was that once I was home, cooled off, and felt safe again, I would get my appetite back and be able to enjoy the meal. Sadly for my hubby, that meant a disruption of his plans because he knew that our friend would feel bad if I couldn't eat while they were eating. I tried to explain that I would just sketch while they were eating and there wouldn't be a problem, but he was already trying to figure out how to deal with this disruption, his brain had already kicked into overdrive trying to figure out how to keep our friend happy, while decreasing his stress as much as possible. We were also getting into the area where the restaurant was, and it's always crowded in that area due to it being the main avenue where college students stopped for lunch. Traffic always got really bad due to all of the pedestrians, the college students that drove like idiots, and the meter cops who drive slowly along checking for expired parking meters, etc. We actually noticed a meter cop pull up behind a parked car, get out and begin walking along checking the meters as we were looking for a place to park. My hubby actually managed to find a free two hour parking spot mildly in the shade. As we were getting out, we saw the meter cop move up to an expired meter and begin writing up a ticket. My hubby laughed and said, "I bet that someone didn't bother feeding the meter because they figured they would just be in and out quick with a 'to-go' order." Sure enough, as we were walking to our designated eating establishment, someone ran out of one of the other restaurants with a to-go box in hand and began trying to wave down the meter cop and get her to take back the ticket. We all just shook our heads, you don't argue with a meter cop, once the ticket is printed it's done. So if you screw up like that you should just accept that you screwed up and deal with it. Sadly this guy was being a douche and continued to argue with her as we made it to our restaurant and discovered that it was not open, and wouldn't be open again for nearly a month. So here we were with our hearts and minds set on this, and it wasn't available. My hubby had to once again try to resort his mental list. Once again, I tried to help by giving a suggestion but he was already in a state of panic due to my earlier disruption, and now this. When he is panicking, too many options only serve to overwhelm him. So here we are, all hot, tired, disappointed, mildly panicky and him trying to figure out what to do while his brain is starting to hit overload while trying to keep track of everything else going on. So we head back to the car and start to head out of the area. The guy with the ticket has once again flagged down the meter cop and is standing in the middle of the road arguing with her. My hubby gets to the intersection in preparation for turning, while trying to figure out what to do next. As he starts to pull out to make his turn a guy on a bicycle goes shooting through the intersection in front of him like a bat out of hell, causing my mate to slam on his breaks. This rattles him enough that he decides to back up, not realizing that the meter cop has finished with the angry guy and is now right behind us. His brain in complete fight or flight mode had her still arguing with the guy a ways back. So he's unaware that she's right there in her little golf cart type meter car until she hits her horn, but it's already too late, his back fender already hit her front bumper. His foot once again hits the brakes, and he jumps out to check on the meter cop to make sure that she's alright as our hearts sink. He glances at me guiltily and whispers that he doesn't have any insurance on the car. "I know." I said as my head was sinking down to my chest, my eyes were already closed trying to fight tears of frustration, panic, and guilt of my own. Our friend in the back seat didn't even realize that it was the meter cop that we'd hit until my husband was standing in the street between the two cars looking for the damage. As he'd gotten out of the car, some stoned a-hole sitting outside of another restaurant yells out, "You're our hero!" at my hubby who is checking to make sure the meter cop is okay and that the damage isn't too bad. I'm already crying and shaking due to heat, stress, and guilt, knowing that this is going to be expensive. Our friend is trying to reassure me, so I tell him about our lack of insurance. He once again tries to reassure me stating that he will try and help us cover the expense, which just kicks my guilt in the teeth even more. The meter cop tells my hubby to pull off to the side, as she has to call in to find out what to do about the situation. So he moves the car off and parks to the side with her pulled off to the side behind us as we have to wait for a sheriff to arrive. All the while, my mate and I are trying to fight to hide the panic due to having to deal with authority figures, fear of him losing his license, and fear of having another huge bill on top of everything else. But like the guy with the ticket, we know that we have to swallow our pride and our terror and just deal with it as best we can. I wound up getting out of the car and asking the meter cop if we could move someplace else due to the heat and fear of heat stroke on my part. I guess I looked pretty bad as she went into helper mode, even though she couldn't let us move the car. She suggested that I maybe go into one of the restaurants and get some water. I explained about my anxiety disorder and being unable to handle going inside so she just had me sit down in the shade at an outdoor eating area and gave me the unopened jug of water that she kept in her cart and told me I could keep it. My mate was being very protective of me at this point and doing his best to help me to stay calm, but I can't control my tears or shaking. Another officer showed up to look over the vehicles as a witness because the meter cop couldn't get a hold of a sheriff. They both decided that there was no actual damage to either vehicle and the other officer called it in trying to get a hold of someone higher up to see what should be done. It was determined that no ticket was necessary due to the lack of damage, the state that I was in, and how helpful and honest my husband was being. After taking down his drivers license number, and giving him their cards, we were allowed to go on our way. Still shaking rather badly, we all loaded back into the car to get out of there. As we were leaving, the stoned guy got up and started yelling at the officers about police harassment. One of his friends got up and covered his mouth with his hand and told him to shut up and they started getting into a fight. We decided that food was right off the table for all of us and we just wanted to go home. The rest of the trip was spent in mostly silence as I did my best to calm my shattered nerves. My mate did his best to come down from the overload, and our friend did his best to be supportive. I won't lie, we got lucky. We were in the wrong, and if there had been any actual damage, that could have gone all kinds of bad for us. My mind kept whispering about all of the things that we would be dealing with if they had asked to see his proof of insurance, my husband could have lost his license, or we could have been saddled with a huge ticket that we couldn't pay. We would have had to either ask our friend, who only earns minimum wage, for financial help, or we would have had to turn to my husband's parents to bail us out... again. His mom already gives us money to pay our rent and bills, which we feel horrible about. We are in our late 40's near 50's and we have to rely on others to pay our way because we are too broken to be able to take care of ourselves financially. The rest of the evening was spent with me in the bedroom, playing a video game that I felt guilty even asking for, while my husband sat in the living room playing a game on his tablet until his sleep medication kicked in enough for him to be able to go to bed. I was about to turn in myself around 2:30 in the morning when I suddenly realized that I had only had one meal that day, and that my mate, (who's also diabetic) most likely didn't eat anything. So I got up, forced myself to have a quick microwavable meal and turned in. This morning, I sent my husband back into a massive panic attack by asking him to get insurance on the car. So yeah... dealing with that.

#anxiety #panic #panic attack #anxiety disorder #depression #clinical depression #anxiety and depression #traffic #accident #traffic accident

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