#I can’t promise my friends will forgive you (trans or cis)

[dethronedfm]

˚ *ﾟ𝗧𝗛𝗜𝗦  𝗜𝗦  𝗔𝗡  𝗘𝗫𝗖𝗟𝗨𝗦𝗜𝗩𝗘  𝗜𝗡𝗩𝗜𝗧𝗘  𝗙𝗢𝗥  THE MUSES BELOW  –  you  have  been  invited  to  ring  in  the  new  year  with  only  the  best  at  the  infamous  club  nouveau  !  start  2021  off  with  a  𝑩𝑨𝑵𝑮  ,  a  toast  to  a  clean  slate  ,  and  good  riddance  to  those  regrets  that  you  can’t  seem  to  shake  .  make  sure  that  you  RSVP  within  𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐲  -  𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐫  𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬  or  you  will  be  taken  off  the  guest  list  .

[ abby, she/her, 24, est ] — only five minutes ‘til midnight , and we just spotted SILAS KINGSTON at club nouveau , ringing in the new year ! the TWENTY-ONE year old is usually known for their job as an “INFLUENCER”, but tonight , they’re just another reveller in the crowd . when they wrote down their new year’s resolutions , they wished TO REACH FIVE MILLION INSTAGRAM FOLLOWERS, BECOME A MEMBER OF THE MILE HIGH CLUB, & FOR MEGAN THEE STALLION TO REPSOND TO HIS DMS . funny enough , they had also mentioned how they hoped to forget about the time that they REDACTED . for what it’s worth , i truly hope they can put the old year past them . [ arón piper, cis man, “bottoms up! - son of real housewives of new york citystar takes a moment to expose his backside to our cameras as he’s escorted from manhattan nightclub” ]

[ bean , she/her , 25 , EST ] — only five minutes ‘til midnight , and we just spotted KATSUKI ‘SUKI’ (HARUE) BEAUFORT , known for their SEQUIN DRESSES REFLECTING THE FLASH OF PAPARAZZI CAMERAS, PRIVATE PLANES AND EXCLUSIVE PARTIES, AND DESIGNER DRUGS AND GOWNS, at club nouveau , ringing in the new year ! the TWENTY TWO (NINETEEN) year old is usually known for their job as a SOCIALITE , but tonight , they’re just another reveler in the crowd . when they wrote down their new year’s resolution , they wished to GET FRONT ROW ONLY INVITES TO FASHION WEEK, LEARN A LANGUAGE, and DRINK MORE WATER. funny enough , they had also mentioned how they hoped to forget about how REDACTED . for what it’s worth , i truly hope they can put the old year past them . [ mika scheinder , cis woman ,“french heiress suki beaufort spotted at JFK, landing just in time for new year’s celebrations!” ]

[ sam , she/her , 25 , est ] — only five minutes ‘til midnight , and we just spotted NICOLA ‘NICO’ HART , known for their VINTAGE MUGLER SETS, SIGNATURE SCOWLS & CARTIER PROMISE RING , at club nouveau , ringing in the new year ! the TWENTY FOUR year old is usually known for their job as an INFLUENCER & FASHION STUDENT , but tonight , they’re just another reveler in the crowd . when they wrote down their new year’s resolution , they wished for HER BOYFRIEND TO PROPOSE . funny enough , they had also mentioned how they hoped to forget about the time that they REDACTED . for what it’s worth , i truly hope they can put the old year past them . [ teddy quinlivan , trans female , clip clop! nico hart stuns at fashion week in tabi boots, claiming to onlookers: ‘these are my hooves bitch!’  ]

[ v , she/her , 26 , est ] — only five minutes ‘til midnight , and we just spotted OLIVER AQUINO , known for their FLASHY STREETWEAR FITS, INFECTIOUS GRIN & SIGNATURE PINK BUZZCUT, at club nouveau , ringing in the new year ! the 23 year old is usually known for their job as a PROFESSIONAL SKATEBOARDER AND INFLUENCER , but tonight , they’re just another reveller in the crowd . when they wrote down their new year’s resolutions , they wished to BUY HIS MOM A BEACHFRONT MANSION, COLLAB WITH A HIGH-END FASHION HOUSE ON A PAIR OF LUXURY SKATE SHOES , & START DOING 10 MINUTE DAILY MEDITATIONS. funny enough , they had also mentioned how they hoped to forget about the time that they REDACTED . for what it’s worth , i truly hope they can put the old year past them . [ evan mock , cis man , "defying rumors of relationship troubles, skater-slash-influencer oliver aquino shares playful selfie with girlfriend, getting ready for party of the year at new york’s iconic club nouveau.” ]

[ a , she / her , 21+ , pst ] — only five minutes ‘til midnight , and we just spotted KELLEN WOLFF , known for the PRIDE TAPE ON HIS HOCKEY STICK , BESPOKE CLOTHING , MESSAGES LEFT ON READ and SINGING DEF LEPPARD’S BRINGING ON THE HEARTBREAK IN THE SHOWER , at club nouveau , ringing in the new year ! the TWENTY-FOUR year old is usually known for their job as a PRO-HOCKEY PLAYER , but tonight , they’re just another reveller in the crowd . when they wrote down their new year’s resolution , they wished for WINNING THE STANLEY CUP THIS YEAR . funny enough , they had also mentioned how they hoped to forget about the time that they REDACTED . for what it’s worth , i truly hope they can put the old year past them . [ herman tømmeraas , cis man , ‘ can’t check this! two-time norris winner kellen wolff’s projected to make his fourth nhl all star appearance. is it his skills or his fab hair? stay tuned. ’ ]

[ eb, she/her, 22, aest ] — only five minutes ‘til midnight , and we just spotted MASON GRAY , known for their BRUISED KNUCKLES, LYRICS SCRIBBLED ON A NAPKIN, UNKEPT HAIR, at club nouveau , ringing in the new year ! the TWENTY THREE year old is usually known for their job as a/an MUSICIAN , but tonight , they’re just another reveler in the crowd . when they wrote down their new year’s resolution , they wished for MORE SEX, RELEASING ANOTHER ALBUM & TRULY NOT GIVING A FUCK. funny enough , they had also mentioned how they hoped to forget about the time that they REDACTED . for what it’s worth , i truly hope they can put the old year past them . [ Charles melton , cis male , “musician mason grey gets into yet another fight at his local pub - check out what witnesses are saying about the incident!” ]

[ starrla , she / her , twenty-one , cst ] — only five minutes ‘til midnight , and we just spotted JULIET ROBINSON , known for SITTING IN THE BACK OF A CROWDED ROOM , STEALING GLANCES ACROSS THE TABLE , and THE SOUND OF ACRYLIC NAILS TAPPING AGAINST A HARD SURFACE , at club nouveau , ringing in the new year ! the TWENTY-TWO year old is usually known for their job as a MODEL , but tonight , they’re just another reveler in the crowd . when they wrote down their new year’s resolution , they wished for THE OPPORTUNITY TO TAKE A BREAK & A LOW-KEY VACATION WITH HER CLOSEST FRIENDS . funny enough , they had also mentioned how they hoped to forget about the time that they REDACTED . for what it’s worth , i truly hope they can put the old year past them . [ zendaya , cis female , SUPERMODEL JULIET ROBINSON CAUGHT SNEAKING OUT OF PARTY WITH MYSTERY BEAU ]

[ lia , she / her , twenty , cst ] — only five minutes ‘til midnight , and we just spotted SOFIA ROMERO , known for their OVERFLOWING GLASSES OF BUBBLY , SUN-KISSED SKIN GLISTENING WITH SPECS OF GLITTER , & PRETTY LIPS SPEWING UGLY WORDS IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT at club nouveau , ringing in the new year ! the TWENTY-TWO year old is usually known for their job as a REALITY TV STAR , but tonight , they’re just another reveler in the crowd . when they wrote down their new year’s resolution , they wished for A NUMBER ONE PODCAST RATING & A HEALED HEART FREE OF ANY PENT UP ANGER OR RESENTMENT . funny enough , they had also mentioned how they hoped to forget about the time that they REDACTED . for what it’s worth , i truly hope they can put the old year past them . [ cindy kimberly , cis woman , ‘our favorite love island ship has sank : break-up rumors confirmed by sofia romero during latest podcast episode’ ]

[ jasmine , she/her , 19 , est ] — only five minutes ‘til midnight , and we just spotted VIVIAN BUI , known for their TWO OR MORE AESTHETICS , at club nouveau , ringing in the new year ! the TWENTY-TWO year old is usually known for their job as a/an HEIRESS , but tonight , they’re just another reveler in the crowd . when they wrote down their new year’s resolution , they wished to GAIN THE COURAGE TO SPEAK HER MIND, BE MORE INVOLVED IN CHARITY & NOT LET BOYS DISTRACT HER . funny enough , they had also mentioned how they hoped to forget about the time that they REDACTED  . for what it’s worth , i truly hope they can put the old year past them . [jessica vu , cis woman , vivian bui is in the headlines yet again–only this time, it seems ms. perfect isn’t as innocent as she seems. learn more about the real truth behind the heiress to the bui dynasty at nine.]

[ gi , she/her , nineteen , est ] — only five minutes ‘til midnight , and we just spotted NISRINA VASQUEZ , known for their A SINGLE DIAMOND HANGING BETWEEN COLLAR BONES , PAINTED FINGERS ,  &  THE EAGERNESS TO LOSE HERSELF IN THE MOMENT  , at club nouveau , ringing in the new year ! the TWENTY ONE year old is usually known for their job as a UPCOMING MUSICIAN , but tonight , they’re just another reveler in the crowd . when they wrote down their new year’s resolution , they wished to FIND FORGIVENESS NOT FOR HER MOTHER, BUT FOR HERSELF , RELEASE HER FIRST ALBUM , & BREAK IT TO HER FATHER THAT SHE DOES NOT WANT TO TAKE OVER HIS HOTELS  . funny enough , they had also mentioned how they hoped to forget about the time that they REDACTED  . for what it’s worth , i truly hope they can put the old year past them . [ lala baptiste , cis woman , “ upcoming singer nisrina vasquez spotted in a screaming match with an unknown women        who could it be?  “ ]

[ sophie , she/her , 20 , est ] only five minutes ‘til midnight , and we just spotted VAUGHN HARMON , known for OPALESCENT RHINESTONES STAINED A SHIMMERING SUNSET ORANGE, RECREATING SHARON TATE’S MANNERISMS TO NEAR PERFECTION IN A PAIR OF WORN OUT SOCKS AND A LACY FLEA MARKET FIND, AND SUNDAYS SPENT TANGLED UP WITHIN EGYPTIAN COTTON SHEETS at club nouveau , ringing in the new year ! the TWENTY - ONE year old is usually known for their job as a SOCIALITE & ASPIRING ACTRESS , but tonight , they’re just another reveler in the crowd . when they wrote down their new year’s resolution , they wished for LOVE INSTEAD OF MERE LUST, AND FOR BETTER JUDGMENT WHEN IT COMES TO THE PEOPLE SHE SURROUNDS HERSELF WITH. funny enough , they had also mentioned how they hoped to forget about the time that they REDACTED. for what it’s worth , i truly hope they can put the old year past them . [ isabella jones, cis woman, ' spotted : vaughn harmon leaving club nouveau’s nye party on the arm of yet another rumored partner days after speculated split from co - star .’ ]

muns , we are so beyond excited to write with you all ! this was far from an easy decision but a worthwhile one nonetheless , and we can’t wait to see what you guys have in store for us . you should’ve received your invitation in the mail by now , but just in case you haven’t , please let us know so we can send one your way ! thank you so much for applying and for letting us get to know your lovely muses , and welcome to the club nouveau family ! - admins

#accepted

[aqmollyroll]

fic list & tags

hi, i’m dumb and can’t get the tags to show without breaking the theme 

for the full list of tags please click the ao3 links

individual fics are indented, series are sunflowered (unless the fic doesn’t belong in a series)

2019 - 2020 - shalaska - craquaria - aesthetics - multichapter -  one-shot - my aq tag -  aq asks for me 

🌻 Rent-a-Friend (shalaska, mentioned scyvie, lesbian au, rating: T, wip)

Pregnancy brought out many emotions in Sharon, the main was loneliness.

aesthetic -  ao3 -  1 - 2 -

9818 words

🌻 Snatched Diamonds - ao3

Call you by my name (craquaria, shalaska, lesbian au, rating: M, wip)

Brianna thanked her lucky stars when she found an ID card whose original owner bore an uncanny resemblance to herself.

Little did she know, she would soon find herself in more trouble than it was worth.

aesthetic -  ao3 -  1 -  2 -

3293 words

🌻 Mercury Retrograde - ao3

The ritual (shalaska, lesbian au, rating: E, one-shot)

Alaska swore to herself she would never return. She wasn’t good at keeping promises.

aesthetic -  ao3 -  x

8183 words

At the Gates of Hell (shalaska, lesbian au, rating: T, one-shot)

Sharon promised herself she would never forgive. But now she wasn't so sure.

aesthetic - ao3 - x

3803 words

🌻 Stuck (craquaria, mentioned shalaska, lesbian au, rating: G, one-shot)

It wasn’t exactly love at first sight. It took a faulty elevator and a lengthy chat to realize how good they could be together.

aesthetic -  ao3 -  x

2303 words

🌻 1 Night in Alaska (shalaska, cis boys au, rating: E, one-shot)

Aaron was no saint. He had been around the block a few times and done pretty much every hard substance known to man during his teen years. Lately though, he had cleaned up his act. Partly thanks to the woman he would call his wife starting tomorrow. He thought he loved her, but old habits are hard to break.

aesthetic - ao3 - x

7521 words

🌻 Thirst (shalaska, cis boys au, rating: E, one-shot)

Coming to this abandoned shack alone had been a mistake. He was intruding in its territory. If he had asked first, or told anyone where he was going, maybe he wouldn't be in this predicament. Entirely too close to a dangerous creature he now found irresistible.

aesthetic -  ao3 -  x

1438 words

🌻 Lockdown (shalaska, mentioned katlaska, cis boys au, rating: E, one-shot)

Being locked up sucked, even more so when they had gone through their entire supply of alcohol and weed. Aaron raked his nails over Justin’s bare leg and watched as his warm skin immediately broke out into goosebumps. He and Brian were friends, friends' boyfriends were usually off limits. But maybe Brian wouldn’t mind...

aesthetic -  ao3 -  x

1969 words

🌻 The sea in your eyes (shalaska + others, lesbian au, rating: E, multichapter, collab with @aqcitrus)

Pirates, lesbians, trans women, and adventures. What more do you want?

aesthetic -  ao3 -  1 -

3064 words

🌻 To do list 🌻

Rent-a-friend 3-5ish

Call you by my name 3-??

Prequel to The ritual

an unrelated boy shalaska plot bunny i might write someday

#masterpost

[splatoon-discourse]

@sapphicsage Mouthwash here Sorry people keep on asking if you mod this blog? I mean personally I always thought it was pretty clear who we are but sorry anyways. I can see how that would be a pain in the ass. Personally I never saw your messages so I have 0 on that. Other mods are away for a few days, and I wanted to clear this up now as I can see you’re antsy to get a response. Sensitive content below just a warning.

Okay, while I really can’t talk about anything aside from Minty, due to being a new mod and having nothing to do with that stuff, the other mods can. I knew Minty very personally, that’s true, and I can assure you that they are not one to be defended, and people should be warned. They know what they are doing and continue to do it while digging holes. Most of the stuff we post is in response to questions that people have sent us anyways. Minty was well aware that a playboy bunny style outfit was sexual, and would often point out how asks they would respond to with art of their at the time underaged characters were also sexual. (Not to mention the actual child porn they drew whoops). While coping is defiantly a thing, it shouldn’t be posted online for other people, minors included, to see, that’s appropriation, as I’m sure you know. You’re not the only victim I’ve talked to about Minty with, and it has honestly made one of my friends almost throw up due to the panic. Not disclosing names for privacy, of course. Your thoughts on the matter are important, but don’t speak for everyone. We don’t provide information without something to back it up, and these issues could not have been solved in pms with them, trust me I’ve tried and it backfired like hell. It’s been almost a year since I started this fight and I refuse to go down quietly. Minty has been known to also enjoy a fare bit of r*pe so if that’s your thing you know where to go. On my personal I try not to start shit, no one likes a witch hunt, but on here I feel a little bit more comfortable venting, and others do too. It’s that kind of place. I never said I was a pure little tumblr baby uwu, I’m not, like any person I get pretty pissed off when I see disgusting stuff. About the trans thing, I am a transmale so I feel like I have some say in this. I have, in no way, never called Minty a ‘fake trans’. Minty (the person not the oc here) is not cis, not a transgirl, afab, and their sona is also not cis, but a transgirl. I’m personally a transmale, and I wouldn’t make my sona a transgirl, as our struggles and situations are very different. Having a cis sona is ok though because like you said, it’s a comfort thing. Someone who isn’t a transgirl shouldn’t have a sona who is. Someone who isn’t a transboy shouldn’t have a sona who is. But, I don’t speak for everyone.   And yeah I’m kinda mean, I’m not afraid of that, but I try to be as realistic as possible and don’t spread lies or cause witchhunts. I personally back up my stuff, why start a fight you can’t win. If any of the info I posted above doesn’t seem right I can provide stuff for you, but there isn’t really anything to prove here. All this being said there is no rule saying you have to like us, but a lot of people do, apparently, and we get messages thanking us for coming out and saying what other people can’t. We aren’t a bunch of flower children here, but this isn’t the place for that, this is a place to get it all out in the open. I will never, ever, feel bad for being a bitch to a racist, a pedophile, an anti-sjw, or anyone who is trans/homophobic. Ever. They deserve it. Here’s a message from another person who was involved in the Minty situation who I know off the internet: “Hey so, you mentioned your story about your experience, so I’ll mention mine. When I was in kindergarten, 5 years old by the way, an older kid who was a fifth grader I believe assaulted me. Perhaps you wouldn’t consider that ‘pedophillia’ since you think the age of the person is all that matters. But the fifth grader, his name is Troy, unzipped my jeans on the bus and reached down my pants. When i was nine to eleven years old, a guy seven years older than me, he’s 25 now, asked me to date him and send him nudes.(edited)When I was twelve I dated a guy named Andrew who was a year older than me, who guilt tripped me into dating him, camming and sending him nudes, to which he shared with our adult friends in our group chat because they also wanted to see. Perhaps this wasn’t with adults or anything, but a lot of times, adults were involved in these situations. When I got older and Troy graduated high school, when I was a freshman his friend came up to assault me and insult me. When I entered middle school, the guy seven years older managed to hunt down my skype info and tried to figure out where I lived so he could 'pick me up and take me somewhere fun’ like he promised. When I was a freshman I got into a relationship with a guy named Dominic, who, later I found out, assaulted a friend of one of my future friends and right before I broke up with him, tried to assault me. He continued to give me weird looks and faces at school until he graduated. He was 19. The story here is I too am a survivor of sexual assault, pedophillia, incest as well but we’re not gonna go into that right now. Just because you’re a survivor doesn’t mean you speak for all of us. As a survivor of pedophillia I personally believe mintysquids is a pedophile. Though I suppose I don’t speak for everyone who’s a survivor and neither do you. Do not undermine other survivor’s voices because you believe that minty isn’t a pedo. I believe minty is a pedo, many of us believe minty is a pedo. And you do not have the right to say what we think is wrong, I am a survivor with my own opinion, and you your’s. So get the fuck out of here with this whole pedo defender shit and look at the people you’re addressing.” That’s about it. Another mod has also been prayed on and knows all too well the dangers of aging up a character, and has some stuff to say but is way too busy at the moment. Please use actual information before calling us out, and back up your sources. I know this is a longer post but hey, a lot of ground to cover. Our word is far from final, but there is my take on it all. I’m not going to continue to argue with someone who feels the need to twist words in order to sound right, so please forgive me if I don’t waste more of my time on this publicly. If you would like to talk about this in PM’s, I’ll be more willing. 

#mod mouthwash #tw: pedophila mention #tw: rape

[ineffectualdemon]

Hiya! I'm a bit confused about how I identify as well...(obviously I'm not the anon from before, but I saw your response to their ask and was wondering if you could maybe attempt to help me as well...If it makes you uncomfortable you 100% don't have to answer, I totally understand). (Also, I have social anxiety, so I hope you don't mind me being on anon...). Anyway, I'm a bit confused about..what gender is, I guess? If that makes sense? Basically, cis doesn't feel "wrong" to me (1/4)

but I literally do not understand what gender is, so I have noway of knowing if that’s what I really am. I see a lot of posts that say thingslike “there is no difference between a "boy’s” brain and a“girl’s” brain, and that boys can be feminine and girls can bemasculine and trans boys can still be feminine and trans girls can still bemasculine and agender people and genderfluid people and nonbinary people etc.all exist…but if all of this is true (not saying it’s not), then what (2/4)

exactly is thedifference between these genders and identities? How can you tell what genderyou are if there isn’t any difference? What is it that makes someone a“boy” or someone else a “girl” or someone else a differentgender than that? Or even having no gender? What makes these genders what theyare and not anything else? I’m really sorry if that’s confusing, I can’t reallyexplain it very well. (I’m also really sorry if I accidentally offended you oranyone else, and I promise that (¾)

that is definitely not myintent). Thank you so much if you are able to answer, and even if you aren’t(and I’m sorry to bother you! I hope you have a nice day!) (4/4)

 ____________________________________________________________

Hoo boy…okay I’m goingto do my best to explain but forgive me if it’s a bit disjointed because I’mnot an expert at all and I’m usually very incoherent

The most basic truth ofgender vs sex is gender is what your head tells you you are and your sex isjust what genitals you have.

While it’s true thatthere aren’t as clear divisions between most “male” and “female” brains thereare in people who have a very clear and definite feeling of their gender beingone or the other. This applies to both cis people who strongly identify astheir assigned gender and trans people in relation to the gender they identifyas.

As in a trans woman whostrongly identifies as such will have a ‘female’ coded brain.

Most people have a vaguerbrain map which falls between the two. In other words most people are in someways technically non-binary. (I don’t have references for this because I learned it from my super smart friend but now I can’t find the post she made about it.)

Some ways having a gender that is different from your sex can affect you:

Gender Dysphoria:

Some people feel thattheir genitals are very much at odds with what their brain tells them and theyhate their body because it’s not what their brain tells them it should be.  

Some people (like me)don’t hate their genitals but either all the time or sometimes feel the ache ofwhat should be there but isn’t. It doesn’t come with self-hatred but it’sprofoundly uncomfortable.

Gender Euphoria:

This is a joy and happiness that comes from being correctly recognisedas your actual gender. It’s a sense of “yes that’s right” It’s perfectlypossible to have this and not dysphoria and still be non-binary or trans.

_____________________________________________________________

Knowing what gender youare can be difficult. Some people prefer to avoid labels altogether otherpeople embrace labels.

For me growing up I didn’thave tumblr or any access to even the idea of non-binary or genderfluid at all.

I used to watchdocumentaries on transgenderism with fascination knowing it wasn’t quite rightfor me (I didn’t want to be a boy) but that it spoke to a part of me.

When I was a teenager Ifound a book of short stories by Neil Gaiman in my local library. I believe itwas the book Smoke and Mirrors.

Anyway, in the story titled Changes apill is developed that cures cancer but also changes a person’s sex. It hadpeople who changed it for the weekend, or often switched back and forth and Iremember thinking at the time “I would love that. I would take that pill allthe time. Just constantly switching back and forth” it was the first thing inmy life that suggested fluidity of gender and I nearly cried. I read that storyso many times because it spoke to me on a deep level.

Still I didn’t reallyrealise I was gender fluid until the last couple of years when I became familiarwith the concept.

Now…here’s anotherthing. There is a difference between gender and gender expression.

Someone who identifiessolely as a male can wear a dress because they “look good” and that’s fine. Thatdoesn’t change the fact that they identify as male.

A non-binary personwearing a dress is also doing it because they “look good” and that’s fine anddoesn’t change the fact they identify as non-binary.

A person who identifies asfemale can wear a dress because they “look good” and that’s fine etc etc.

What a person wears oracts is individual expression and it doesn’t change the gender that they feelthey are.

If wearing trousers forinstance made you male a lot of cis women would be classed as men…but that’snot how it works. Style and fashion and personal expression can complement thegender a person is but it does not define it.

Personally because I amgenderfluid I tend to wear more stereotypically male things when I feel maleand stereotypically female things when I feel female and that’s solely tocombat dysphoria and to feel more comfortable in my own skin.

I can see how that couldbe confusing to someone on the outside but as I said to my cis husband whenthey wondered if Kiddo was saying they were bi-gender just because they likethings that stereotypically ‘girly’: “You’re CIS, have you ever reallyseriously questioned your gender or felt your head and your bits didn’t match?”to which he replied “Oh…yeah okay I get it now”

Because he hasn’t everquestioned it or felt it at odds and it’s a big claim to make if you don’t feelit inside.

But it’s also okay to beconfused. To not know.  To think you’re Aand then realise later you’re actually B.

Figuring it out takestime when you’re discovering both yourself and the very concept of genderbeyond the binary.

It’s not a new conceptin the world. A large part of the world has always known and understood thereare more than two genders. Western society is just catching up to the rest ofthe world and it’s okay to be confused and unsure. There is no time limit onwhen you can figure these things out.

Here is a link to acomic that explains a lot about gender and sexualities

Here is a link to KatieCouric’s exploration of gender for the National Geographic. I haven’t watchedit but I included it as my mom has said it was really helpful for her.

I hope that helped abit! Despite my rambling and disjointed explanations!

#gender #gender identity #nonbinary #non-binary #long post #ask #text post #genderqueer

[zorilleerrant]

I say I can’t figure out how to go to sleep, my body doesn’t get tired on the right schedule, when it does I beg it to stop sitting up, go lie down, but I can’t figure out how to get there, when I lie down I stare at the ceiling trying to figure out what the important thing was, what I forget, if the anxiety quiets, I lie there unthinking, so tired I’m not even sure I’m awake, wondering why sleep isn’t taking me as I sink into blankets and pillows unable to move.

you say you stayed up too late, you woke up and answered too many emails, you had trouble sleeping with a cold, you didn’t want to sleep yet

I say my sexuality doesn’t work like that, I have these attractions that don’t go hand in hand, that feel different from each other, separate, that happen in different ways, and how I used to spend half an hour explaining them to people, how I used to laugh it off and go home and cry because I didn’t know how to say it, how I found these words and this system and it was so simple, so fast, so easy to understand, how I could say it to someone who’s never even heard of it before, and, oh, they could take a guess, even if they didn’t get it

you say you used to have this self-esteem problem, you thought you were feeling something you didn’t, you don’t get it, why do we need labels

I say there’s a way it feels to be mixed in this monochromatic society, this place where everyone is white without their token dispensation, where everyone else is just this or that or the other thing, where you have to choose, where you’re not allowed to choose because they won’t accept you and they won’t accept you either, because you’re too much or not enough, because you try to say something when the grown ups are talking about more important issues sweetie and no one really has a problem with these privileged mixed people who could just decide to be white if they wanted to, that I always feel like my words are too loud but no one ever hears them

I say I hate my body, but it’s the same hate, always the same, and it gets to me, and sometimes I cry and sometimes I want to die and sometimes I plan surgeries and sometimes I just try to hide between all these layers stifling my skin, soft and formless like a blanket by a campfire, but I don’t hate my gender, whichever one it is, or more than one, how it changes day to day or maybe hour to hour, how it’s something hard to define most days, and most days there’s a label or two or three that I like, how I can make guesses and averages but I can’t explain really, how my body isn’t my gender, how much it hurts to hear people say that, trying to put words in my mouth about how gender really works, what I really feel, what I really want, how I’m fake because I won’t toe the party line like a good little soldier in this war on normativity that we only fight on one front

I say something happened, I say nothing happened, I say something happened but I don’t want to talk about it, but there’s so much to talk about and how can someone look at me in a little glass case and determine what I’m allowed and not allowed to think?

It’s all the same. None of it’s the same, but it’s all the same, because differences make it harder to make points, to make sure everyone is being Good and Correct, because nuance opens us up to being Problematic and if we can just determine who’s the most oppressed we’ll never have to think for ourselves ever again. It’s all the same. Everything is the same.

if I want to write about someone in a wheelchair or with an artificial hand, I have to be hurt first, lose some of my body. maybe it’s okay if I have a chronic illness, but I have to figure out what kind. I have to sit in a room with a doctor long enough to be accused of being a drug addict, subtly though, they don’t even notice they are, long enough for them to wonder if this is some sort of insurance scam or I just want attention, long enough for ‘well there’s your problem’ any number of things I already know - but doctors don’t do that. too much of a man to write women, not enough of a man to write men, and anyway, if I write about who I am, just me, only me, there’s too much problematic there and I don’t know what I’m talking about anyway. not trans enough, not nonbinary enough, or maybe just the wrong kind, so how could I present it in such a way that - hold on, why are all your characters cis? do I stand with the character who looks like me, or the one who’s coded with my history, or the mixed one even though they’re the wrong races and it’s not for me to touch, or only the white ones, the ones I can’t identify with in so many cases, or the ones who are coded like racism which is wrong because they’re white, or the ones from racialized minorities, from xenophobically othered groups, the ones in other times and places and cultures who aren’t the dominant race, but headcanons are bad and they erase real life issues and anyway there’s never been anyone who was black or latin or asian or native or middle eastern or anyone else who looked white. I was born here and I never had to worry, never tensed when the police promised not to call INS, never learned anything from another culture, never got confused when my worlds collided, never had someone walk up to me and say - hey, you speak Spanish, hey, you’re Muslim, hey, what really happened on this anime, hey, where are you really from, though. don’t ask relatives and family friends, just trust the nice white man on the tv to tell me what it’s like to be an immigrant, write my story like his, assume that being british if that is all the insight anyone would need. let the cis man dictate being trans, let the straight man explain what coming out is like, let these men describe womanhood, let these men tell you well I don’t know but I’d imagine, because these are real books, real movies, and fandom writers aren’t perfect enough. it’s not the same.

but it’s the same if you write about Ben, reluctant jedi, confused, sometimes tempted, living at his school with his uncle, loving his mom and dad, helping the younger kids, with a voice in his head that he’s scared of, in love with a girl he just met, this action hero from a world of sand, learning how to levitate things with her mind, just the same as if you write about this torturer who killed his own name, his own family for love of evil, who never had any motivations past being the worst villain he could be, who doesn’t and cannot love, who rapes and mutilates his helpless, hapless victim while she lies still and sobs I forgive you I forgive you I forgive you. it’s all the same.

there’s always context but the context never matters just the same.

#my writing