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emotionally-enervated-conagher · 6 months

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Sometime in the late hours of the night, where the stars danced above the vastness of the New Mexico desert, Dell had left.

(cw: sleeping pills, depressing thoughts of death)

Most of his belongings still resided at the base, a sign that he would return eventually, but he couldn’t bring himself to stay at the base, his state of mentality eating him alive.

He needed to clear his thoughts.

So he headed to the nearest town around, a town that was once well acquainted with the mercenaries back in the Gravel Wars.

Dell slowly drove by the town’s bar, light shining from within the building as the saloon dwindled with its late night patrons. The old mercenary couldn’t help a small smile that formed on his lips as he remembered the countless times the boys had gotten kicked out for causing a ruckus each time they went.

His smile soon faded as he drove on, heart aching as he gripped the steering wheel. Those days were gone.

Dell pulled up to the town’s cheap motel, parking his truck near the front, it being one of the few cars in the parking lot. With rarely any tourism to bring people to this town, Dell considered it a miracle the motel was still open for business.

Soon enough, Dell let out a weary sigh as he opened the door to his assigned motel room on the second floor, grimacing as the stale smell of the room hit him, but he went in regardless, locking the door behind him. He tossed the dufflebag he had brought with him onto the bed and collapsed next to it, the old springs of the mattress creaking at the weight.

He shucked off his boots and tossed then haphazardly on the floor, not caring where they went as he buried his face into the blankets. The bed was dingy and the covers were scratchy, but it was still better than the recliner.

Like clockwork, Dell felt his heart rate quicken as his thoughts began gnawing at him, right on queue. The man squeezed his eyes shut, trying to shut them out, but it was as useless as covering a water leak in a rowboat with his bare hands.

The most recent events hit him first; Sylvester and that damn robotic bird. He meant no true intent to harm in what he said to the bird, just to get it to shut up, but Dell couldn’t shake the look Sylv had given him, how he had reacted.

He scared Sylvester. Sylvester was scared of him.

Tears sprung to Dell’s eyes, the guilt nearly suffocating him, feeling panic claw at his lungs as his breathing contracted.

He couldn’t have another attack now, he couldn’t-

The man sprung up and snatched his dufflebag, ripping it open and rummaging through it in a desperate manner.

It was in here somewhere, he knew he packed it-

His hand felt the familiar plastic of a bottle and pulled it out, the pills inside jostling noisily as Dell popped open the lid, shoving a tablet into his mouth. He slammed the pill bottle onto the nightstand and snagged a pillow, burrowing his head into it, desperately trying to escape his thoughts as he waited for the Triazolam to take effect.

DDON'T SSAY THHINGS LLIKE THHAT

Ah didn’t mean it-

IIF II MMAKE AANOTHER MMISTAKE, YYOU WWON'T TTAKE MME AAPART, WWILL YYOU?

No, ah would never Sylv, ah wouldn’t-

You’ve done nothing but hurt everyone since you came back. You shouldn’t have come back.

Ah jus’ wanted to set things right, ah jus’ wanted to see them again-

That Respawn would have failed if Ludwig hadn’t stepped in. Don’t you see? You aren’t meant to come back. You aren’t meant to be here.

The black tendrils of sleep started to pull Dell under as the medication took effect, but his mind made sure to punish him until the end.

It should have been you that the Respawn machine failed with instead of Jane all those years ago, Dell.

…Ah know.

#heed the cw warning!#but uh yeah :’]#im so sorry JDJFJJAA #dell will be back eventually #he just has very big demons fo fight #prob can’t do it alone but cant bring himself to talk about it with anyone else bc he doesnt want to be a burden #also feelin guilty as fuck #thinks he is causing all this bad stuff due to his return #domino effect or somethin #but yeah :’3 #im so sorry dell but you must get worse before getting better #sorry i dont make the rules hehe #for right now I’d say Dell is not available to stuff happening on the base but #im totally fine if someone wants to track him down ^^#kinda have a plan of what i wanna do but its bare bones rn #emotionally xyz mercs #emotionally enervated conagher #coffeetalks

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chilumi-shipper · 2 years

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Gosh im so fuckimg nervous this is my first time doing this EVER. Im not even sure if you're accepting reqs rn but I'll risk it. Also im in love with the pAIN. It hurts so good. I keep re reading every angst/fluff u write cuz ik they're all worth it OMIGAD oki,

may i req any angst to fluff with my bby man arataki itto?ㅠㅠ I keep looking for any but to no avail then came across your acc, (been rereading ur works for months i feel like a creep holy shiieet) like idk how u do it because I dont have a specific imagine in my mind OMG TF I talk too much okay I'll go

also ily HEHEH ♡╮ ( ´ ▽ ` ) ╭♡

My Favorite Girl

Arataki Itto x Shrine Maiden!Fem!Reader

Summary: You were definitely an odd couple, but it just worked out. Despite his somewhat idiotic attitude and the fact that he doesn't have a stable income, you loved him with all your heart. Although, you can never tell if he feels the same way about you, he definitely loves you, but... will you ever mean more to him than his gang? Will he ever gleefully talk about you like he talks about his deputy? Will he ever fondly think that you are just so amazing, like how he thinks of Kuki Shinobu?

Part 2

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Despite the Arataki Gang's infamous title of being a pretty rowdy and a troublemaking group of idiots, you were quite fond of them, they're a funny group, never failing to make you laugh, they stick by each other, you have to admire that loyalty, and they make your one and oni the person that he is. You have to appreciate that.

No matter the overwhelming differences between you and Itto, it seems that fate has brought the both of you together, it really shocked many of your fellow Shrine Maidens.

You were given the title of "The Arataki Gang's Honorary Maiden", you treasured that title just as much as you did your official title at the Grand Narukami Shrine. Whenever you could, you'd do some ordinary things for the Gang, just like a normal member would, send out flyers for whatever goofy festival or play or event they may be planning on doing, providing them with food and a shelter if they ever get themselves up to some trouble again, which they frequently do, you're the one that Ushi goes to for comfort when he sometimes gets fed up by all the stupidity around him, you're even the person to find if anyone of them manage to find themselves in a cell.

"Y/N!" You hear Itto's energetic voice call for you, though it wasn't only you he managed to get the attention of. As always, he manages to get everyone's attention at the shrine whenever he visits.

As the gang approaches you, all smiles like the usual, (except when their smiles linger with the look of guilt when they need to tell you that they messed something up) you see a familiar girl with green hair walk with them.

"Check it out! An official new member of the Arataki Gang." The way Itto spoke makes it obvious that he's so proud, you understood of course, nobody really wanted to join them before because of their neverending... conflicts.

Their happy expressions were contagious, you also couldn't help but smile. "Oh, I feel like I've seen you from somewhere." You directed your words to the masked girl. She seems to turn flustered scratching the back of her head.

"Yeahhhhh... I was here the other day... with my mother..." When the girl answered, it finally clicked, the other day, a woman and her daughter were arguing there at the shrine, the mother talking about her daughter being a shrine maiden, with a stable income and a good future and all that, whilst the daughter was arguing that the job just wasn't for her.

"Ohh, yeah, I remember now!" You smiled sweetly at the girl, unknowing of the blush that she hid behind her mask when you showed such warmth towards her. "I guess you found your real passion now."

Itto crossed his arms proudly. "That's right! This is Kuki Shinobu! Our new member, just thought I should introduce you two to each other, but now that seems unnecessary." Itto looked at the green haired girl.

"Heh, good thing Shinobu didn't choose to be a boring old Shrine Maiden." Mamoru, one of the members of the gang, stated, instantly getting elbowed by Genta.

"You idiot! Do you know where we are?!"

You took no offense, even laughing at their poor attempt of covering what he said.

"Oh, no offense, Y/N." Mamoru said sheepishly, "We like you! You aren't one of those stick in the mud Shrine Maidens!" Another elbow from Genta stopped him from speaking, as you pretend to be oblivious of the dirty glares they were getting from your co-workers.

"Well, we should definitely be going now!" Itto leaned down a bit, stealing a kiss on your lips as a goodbye. "I'll see you back home." His words were gentler when his forehead is pressed against yours.

"Try not to get arrested again." You whispered back, just as gentle despite the meaning of your words. "Or else I might how to cuddle with Ushi again tonight."

"Not gonna happen." Another kiss and he was off with his gang.

...

After that... it was like you've been replaced.

Ever so slowly did it show that you were no longer needed in the group. Kuki Shinobu was one amazing addition, so much so that she became a Deputy Leader a week after her arrival.

It seems like you're gently being pushed away, it felt like now that you have a replacement, they don't want you anymore.

You no longer received news about the group, it's like you're not gonna be invited to any more card games and beetle fights and 'festivals'.

At first you understood, you were kinda always busy, you aren't always gonna be there, so it's great that the idiots have someone to have their backs and get them out of trouble when you're not around.

"Where are you going?" You were standing behind Itto, as he was about to leave through the front door. He never mentioned any affairs he had to go to that night.

Itto looked back at you and smiled sheepishly, scratching the back of his head and said, "I've got some things planned with the gang. Is it okay if I come home late?"

You gulped, looking down a bit. "Y-Yeah, okay, sure." His smile turned bigger, going up to you and giving you a kiss on the cheek.

"Great! Thanks!" He left eagerly, whilst you sighed and tried to endure a wave of disappointment.

You walked to the kitchen, "He forgot..." You felt a tear run down your cheek, your hand quick to wipe it away as you take the pot of Itto's favorite off the stove and transferring a portion for yourself on a plate, the rest you just plan to give away to the nice seniors living next door.

Maybe it was just you that felt off with the changes, feeling bad that you don't get to spend as much time with your beloved as much as you would want to. But then again, that could just be you being overly attached.

Maybe it was just your own insecurities speaking when you see that Itto holds so much adoration for Shinobu, adoration that he has never showed to anyone before.

Maybe it was just your own jealous thoughts taking over when Itto keeps bailing on you and your plans in favor of going with his gang.

And from feeling like you're no longer a part of the Arataki Gang, it went to feeling like you were no longer an important part of Itto's life.

"Shinobu's basically the best gal there is!" He thinks so highly of her, you can't help but let jealousy cloud your mind. You were at the same restaurant they happen to walk into just now.

You knew it was wrong, but you listen in on the group's conversation, "She just got her school certificate from that big shot school in Liyue! We gotta celebrate!" You thought that eating at the restaurant might give you some time to think and feel relaxed, but it would seem like there was just a constant feeling eating at your skin everytime you think about the ever closing relationship between Itto and Shinobu.

"Hey, how about Tuesday next week, boss? I hear that there's gonna be this massive star shower that night."

"It's called a meteor shower, you idiot!"

"Yeah, yeah, that's pretty cool! Remember that nice spot we set up our Drumalong Festival? Let's celebrate there again. I bet we get a clear shot of the beautiful sky there!" Itto suggested as you feel your heart sink a bit.

"It's not like I have anything planned, we can get started getting the things we need to celebrate now." Tears started to burn your eyes, you couldn't help but just look down at your food, feeling devastated about what you heard.

Next Tuesday is your birthday.

You thought that maybe it would be nice to go on a night picnic with him and watch the nice show in the sky, you aren't much for big celebrations with tons of people, heck, you'd rather have Itto bring his gang along, they always makes things fun and entertaining.

You had it all planned out in your head too, you thought that it would make up for all the time that you lost when he would bail on you. You already asked him to join you a few days ago, it seems that he forgot that he agreed.

But at least now, you're absolutely sure of what you are to Itto now.

...You had your great times with him.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

"You're leaving?" Itto sounded like a kicked puppy, looking at your back as you pack a portion of your clothes into a bag.

You didn't bother looking at him, continuing to pack as you answered, "Y-Yeah, I have to go to Watatsumi Island for work stuff." You noticed that your voice started trembling, so you kept your answer short.

Itto looked over your shoulder, seeing a big pile of items in your bag. "That's a lot of stuff. Are you staying there for like... a week or something?" He chuckled, though it sounded as if it was in uncertainty, he really hopes you're not gonna be gone that long.

You sniff, you feel that your eyes are a bit sore from crying yourself to sleep the past few days. You felt fatigue, hopelessness, heartbreak, all that just in the span of a few days.

"A month, actually?"

The Oni almost couldn't believe his ears. "W-What? That's so long." He tried laughing a bit to ease a bit of the shock he felt, yet his laugh only came out awkward and confused.

"It's not like you'll notice I'm gone." It was what you wanted to say, however you kept it in.

"A-Alright, when will you be leaving? I can help you haul you stuff to the boat." You zipped up your bag before finally looking back at him.

His eyes narrowed as he looked at your face, it's not the first time these past few days that he didn't notice the tired look in your eyes.

You took something out from your pocket, taking out a purple envelope, you brought Itto's attention to the object.

Today is your birthday the festival in Kuki Shinobu's honor. And today is also the day that special meteor shower will be happening.

He still hasn't realized.

"Hey, isn't that the envelope for our festival. We'll go there together tonight, right?" He smiled sweetly at you, you were gonna miss that pure smile of his.

"Actually..." You sighed, handing him the invitation. "I'm l-leaving tonight, so you don't have to come see me off at the docks." You felt your heart ache as you see his face visible fall.

"O-Ohh..." It was a rare sight, Itto was at a lost for words, and despite your frustrations, your annoyance of being pushed away and being forgotten, you stepped closer to him before leaning down and kissing his forehead. "That soon, huh?"

"...Yeah." You shoved all the negative emotions down, hoping that your long trip to Watatsumi will clear your mind and void you of all the bad feelings you've been getting.

Itto's big arms wrapped around your form, he was sat on the bed as you were standing up, he rested his head on your stomach, feeling his disappointment grow by the second.

And he doesn't know why, but... there's been a part of his subconscious eating away at him all day, like... he's missing something important.

You pull away from the embrace much to your lover's dismay. You caress his face, smiling as he leaned in to your touch. This was actually one of the few moments that you get to spend time with him that isn't just you two getting ready for bed and sleeping.

"This is possibly one of the last moments I'll have with you."

You try not to let your tears spill out, you think that when you leave, he'll finally realize that... he doesn't need you...

A litte Shrine Maiden, boring and dull, in contrast with his exciting and kind of stupid way of living. You start looking back at what people have said about you relationship.

It's just a fever dream, it won't last.

He'll probably get tired of her soon enough.

She's just getting herself into more trouble being with an Oni. Especially that idiotic one.

You've never cared for what people have said about you, but they seem to be proving true right now.

You look into his eyes, smiling before leaning down for a kiss.

"One last kiss... Before I let you go..."

The man before you felt a strange feeling as you kissed him, the kiss was so passionate, yet it seemed full of sadness.

He shook off the weird feeling.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Itto sits at the docks of Ritou, waiting for a boat that would have the love of his life on it. There was a neatly wrapped present beside him, inside contained a beautiful jade necklace he bought with a portion of his saved up mora, along with a letter he poured all his feelings for you onto.

It has been 1 month 2 weeks and 3 days...

You were just a little bit behind on the schedule, he convinced himself. At some point, you'll be waving your hand, greeting him before you even come to the docks. He'll be coming to the docks everyday with the present until the day comes.

He's got a whole apology speech as well! If you got mad at him and chose to take the job at Watatsumi because he forgot your birthday, he has been practicing the words he wants to say to you.

He really misses you.

On your birthday, the meteor shower could apparently be seen from all over Inazuma, so chances are, you probably saw the glimmering stars as well. He just wished that he could have been with you.

Itto has been beating himself up for forgetting about your day ever since you left. He's been going to the Grand Narukami Shrine and have asked your co-workers almost single day about when you will come back and if there's any way you can come back early, they never give a preferable answer.

He understood the tired look you had now, the sadness in your eyes when he would come home late. You probably felt so alone when he's been going out so much, barely ever checking up on you, only ever being in the house to sleep and then leave immediately.

Itto held on to the precious moment you shared before you left, as he selfishly chose to go to the festival instead of bidding you goodbye, the last time he saw you was in your shared house. The sweet kiss you shared lingered in his mind, he clung onto that memory in hopes that you're not too mad at him to just up and leave and never come back.

"Woah... Didn't see you there, Beefcake." Despite trying to put some enthusiasm in his voice, the sadness the Oni felt was to obvious to mask.

Ushi slid by his side, looking at the see that his owner was previously staring at. Itto chuckled at the bull's action. "Yeah, I miss her too." He couldn't help but sigh.

The little animal reached for it's side, and it caught Itto by surprise when Ushi pulled out a single rose, before looking back to the horizon again.

"Hah, well, it looks like my competition for my Y/N's love is back huh?" He smiled. "Have you got a speech of your own ready?"

Ushi looked at his owner unimpressed, nodding before laying the rose on top of Itto's present.

Behind them, Kuki Shinobu was standing, feeling ever so empathetic for the two souls that seem to have lost their light.

The gang has been like her family, including you, even if you weren't around as often as the other members, you were the one that always made her comfortable, you were witty but also a fun person to be around with. If it weren't for you telling her that her path should be hers to choose on the day her mother forced her to go to the Grand Narukami Shrine, she would have never ended up with such amazing people.

She looked behind her, where Akira, Genta, Mamoru stood.

"Looks like we're going to Watatsumi Island."

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

There'll be a part 2, just don't know when ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I wrote this in very small increments over the course of two weeks, and the last part I literally wrote when I'm laying in bed at 3 am with 10% battery.

Anon, I hope you like it. I'm sorry if it's not Angst to Fluff yet like you asked, but it's kinda ling and I'm a bit tired. Still, thanks so much fir the request, I actually quite enjoyed thinking about this and writing this.

#genshin impact x reader #genshin impact imagines #genshin impact angst #genshin impact #genshin angst #genshin impact itto #arataki itto #itto angst #itto x reader

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eroticcannibal · 3 months

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It's like all understanding of access issues and just the fact that we don't really understand all that much of how the brain works immediately leaves people's minds the moment someone doesn't respond well or at all to current available treatment. Like shit. Maybe they can't get the treatment they need bc healthcare systems suck. Maybe the treatment they need doesn't exist yet. Maybe there are a bunch of other reasons but thinking hard rn. Idk. Maybe it's not someone's fault if they can't get better rn.

Like. I do not mean this in a hateful way. But I think this is just the inevitable result of MH spaces and discourse being dominated by people with certain, easier to treat issues that respond well to simple therapies, SSRIs and a bit of hard work. I've long said that I think we need a distinction between like, "average" mental illness and less treatable issues because its inevitable that ppl with complex trauma, dissociative disorders, psychotic disorders etc will get thrown under the bus because god forbid we admit that some CBT and anti depressants and a positive mental attitude cant fix everything. I dont think the egos of proffesionals helps, they CANNOT admit when they don't have the answers and would rather blame the patient than admit they are flawed, and many patients will internalise this instead of challenge it. Plus the whole attitude *everyone* has that "no things will get better if you try" which of course equals "if you arent getting better, its your fault" which is pushed by *every* mental health resource and service and charity....

People will admit access issues when its about statistics about suicide or something. But when confronted with a real person who is struggling? Its all "well just keep trying even though there's nothing! If it doesn't work its your fault!" And then they'll act all shocked when that person kills themselves. *then* they'll complain about funding and postcode lottery and oh why didn't they reach out... I've seen it play out the same way so many times... I honestly feel like shit is just set up to kill off the ones who don't respond to cheap treatment and a cuppa and a chat these days. The outright HOSTILITY and accusations and attacks thrown at anyone who doesn't respond to treatment. That wouldn't exist if people actually wanted them better. Its conform or die.

#excuse me im rambling #im dealing with a lot rn

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toxooz · 6 months

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The canvases aren’t even safe 😭 they used the Boroque era as reference for their search engines. Like I’m losing my shit constantly over ai art so bad. Like this is totally gonna be a rant so forgive me but it’s driving up the WALLS. Ai art being readily available is killing the incentive for people to be creative. I cannot tell you how many times I think I’ve found a really cool fellow artist on tiktok and then see #midjourney. I take psychic damage every time that happens to me. And I’m starting to see it infiltrating business too where they generate ai images instead of hire photographers. I also saw someone selling tshirts with ai art on it at my local farmers market. MOTHERFUCKER THE FARMERS MARKET??? HAVE YOU NO SHAME????

NAW PREACH IT cause its become a nagging issue for me for a while that i simply try to not think about and dwell on but dear FUCKING god is it everywhere and it's painfully obvious too! just about every ad takes me 3 seconds to find damning evidence that its ai and im 99% ready to just delete facebook bc #1 i dont give a fuck abt anyone on there anymore and #2 Literally every other post is the most deplorable ai shit ive ever seen that everyone is carelessly oblivious to i mean total abominations that don't make any sense as an image but ppl share bc its the most bottom of the barrel ''relatable'' shit and that's just the sad reality of it is most people don't even give a shit what they're looking at as long as it looks pretty to their eyes for 3 seconds they don't give a damn

and that's just on basic everyday world shit like u said there's so many mfs i think are decent artists where i legitimately cant tell its ai until i read their fuckshit bio or somethin, like that midjourney i didnt even know it was an ai program i would've just thought it was the name of a video game or some shit! like I feel like I'm kinda turning my back on the whole art community involuntarily bc i just dont trust any image i see most of the time and its fukkin sad i ESPECIALLY feel for the real artists prior to this shitshow who have art styles that now look so much like ai that they basically hijacked to feed the machine like I couldn't imagine spending thousands of dollars on an art college and hours of practice just for your art style to be The Blueprint for empty soulless photos cranked out at inhuman rates by any stupid fucking lazy ass clown like Fuck Man it all sucks so much and the worst part is I just feel like it's one of those things where it will not stop until Something caves and i honestly dont know which one it will be but i just know its only going to get worse idk i try to remember that i can pick up a paintbrush or even whatever the hell i want and make something beautiful while 98% of these ai sacks of shit are just limited to stealing other peoples art on the internet and they couldn't even paint a damn flower if their lives depended on it and if i was stuck on a deserted island I'd probably still find ways to make art with whatever tools and resources i have cause that's an artist baybay but as far as The Internet and its grasp it has on the world and trying to make it as a digital artist and trying to make money from your homemade artwork is very grim man and dont even get me started on art and artists in just about every job field rn my heart goes out to them

#me painting hammers at work using spray paint and a pen tip : ai mfs could never #its been irking me for a while and itll only irk me more its soOOOO #like i just draw for funsies atm and get anxious when money is involved but i am planning to start making money off of my art but with this #ai shit its gunna be fukkin hard i dread

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riftwalker-limbro · 1 month

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Some blorbo questions for you:

How do you think Verica would react to Luscinia? You think she'd go green like a certain playwright?

How would a standard Pule and Brusier interaction regarding science look like? And also, have Vince and Pule interacted before?

And say, how would potentially Vince and Pule react to meeting a certain operator/drifter duo who like to research and do wacky experiments respectively?

(Apologies for no more questions rn, if i think of any i'll send a second ask. Also, if me lumping my ocs in there as a question was a bit too gratuitous of me, youre free to just skip that one, i dont mind)

hi! apologies for not getting around to this for A While. i did let you know that the prediction for mgayrch was gonna be spotty on availability and it turns out i was right! anyway, the blorbos are back in my brain, so

Verica reacting to Luscinia: I'm afraid I didn't get the reference to green playwrights, do explain if you feel like it! I think at first she'd be both excited to meet a fellow musician and trying to hide the Strong Undercurrent of Jealousy (due to not being able to truly sing anymore herself). once she gets to know luscinia better i think she'd just feel sad for her and avoid her/the topic of her though

Pule and Bruiser with Science: Bruiser afraid in a corner as Pule cackles maniacally about some bubbly flask. Bruiser is just not very into the types of art that don't involve someone getting knocked out by way of Fist

Vince and Pule having interacted: Buddy have they ever /incredibly entertained. They were roommates on Deimos when they started uni, Pule kind of indirectly killed Vince and then died of misery himself and then they reunited and made up about it (there was never a Problem in the first place, thinks Vince. How is he so fucking easy about forgiving what I didn't know, Pule despairs). nowadays they're in a polycule with verica. pule's the guy who just hangs out and doesn't date anyone and they all love each other. i think they get married about it also (yes the three of them)

Vince and pule with Science Guys that i Can't Immediately Find On Your Blog: that sounds like a pretty immediate pairup between vince and Research Person and pule with Wacky Person. do please add links and/or explanations (again, if you feel like it) so that i may assess Closer. reasoning: vince is very used to the theoretical side of things and also used to teach it at university level. pule has only gotten more hands-on with warframification

#rift lore #i drew the triad today and now they're back living in my head rent fucking free #rift asks #thank you for the ask!! this is a great way to slowly get back into warframe lore production

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geeshiewiley · 5 months

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Swallowed my pride and double texted but whatever im not 16 i dont have that much pride and im not going to play text games at my old age. Really my only text concern at this age tho is mostly a gender one that men esp but really anyone will think im obsessed w them or crazy or overbearing or something even tho its just texting and i just want to hang out or have sex if it’s available besides that its not deep for me rn so why shouldn’t i text ……

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croneskull · 8 months

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i want to go over some of my personal history rn (it's going to be a long post) because that screenshot post I just put up made me think about my relationship with amy and how that would never in a million years have happened (so much of my current relationship dynamic would never ever ever have happened with her). that relationship was almost entirely the opposite of my relationship now.

This blog came about because of the breakup i had with amy. I initially created this blog to deal with that breakup (and god those posts are so cringe). I had to delete my original tumblr that I had since 2009 because I fucked up hard early in that relationship. Long story short, I had gotten into that relationship after having been single for at least 4 years. During that time I was getting a lot attention from people online because I was young and skinny, had a full mustache, and a big dick. It was hard transitioning from single life and how I interacted with people online when i got into that relationship. People were sending me nudes and i was still flirty with people online. Obviously that was a boundary I crossed and I lost her trust very early into that relationship. I spend the next 2, almost 3, years trying to make up for that fuck up and trying to be a better person. It was a lost cause and we should have ended it there. Those years of trying to get her to trust me again were just awful for the both of us. Resentment became a huge issue for both of us.

Now a days I dont flirt with anyone online. There's a little too much trauma there for me to just up and break those boundaries again. I really never did talk to anyone outside of my relationships/behind my partners' backs ever again. I experienced what it was to lose someone's trust. There is no getting it back.

I often chalk up my lack of wanting to chat with people online to being an introvert (which is very true) but honestly there is also an element of guilt that makes me hold back from even interacting with people on onlyfans. That was a part of the reason I made my page free so I didnt feel obligated to make myself available just because people were paying.

All that being said, never in a million years could I have predicted I would have the type of relationship I have now. Everything from amazing sex with just the two of us, to threesomes, to future group sex activities, to both of us having onlyfans and filming sex acts to be shown to whoever wants to pay for it! To literally her sending my snapchat to a random woman for her to send me nudes.

We do these things together and that's helped me to heal a lot. I don't think I could ever do an entirely open relationship where we date other people separately, at least for now. The experiences we have as a couple have just been such a lovely added zest to my life. Plus I just feel like we are so damn hot together that doing this stuff alone is just less fun.

#personal

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sorryimananti-romantic · 3 months

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this isnt fic related or anything but i need advice because my bestie is CONVENIENTLY not available to snap me outta my delulus (for some darn reason i cant make a paragraph space so this is the divider) anyways theres this pretty boy that i have taken a liking to and ive been literally following half the boys in my grade(and a couple seniors) instead of studying just to find his instagram. i cant find it and im thinking of heading to the school's unofficial confession page to anonymously ask if anyone at least knows his name. BUT. i found the insta of a dude in his class and sent him a follow request however he's not online rn. SOOO do i wait for the dude to be online and accept my request then check his followers/following list to find the pretty boy OR do i go to the confession page to ask? im in a CRISIS gosh itd be easier if i ask my classmates but i cant trust them w secrets 😞

JUST WHEN IM ABOUT TO SLEEP this pops in and i can't help but answer this right away so we can both sleep? in peace? JHSKJGHDFJKG

besties always gotta be unavailable at the most inconvenient moments n e ways pretty boy??? who's real?? and you actually like him??? eww (tell me more i'm so invested) also i just love it when we go all stalker mode to find ppl like we girlies got mad skills at finding ppl we could work for the govt or sth-

HERE'S YOUR ANSWER i think wait for the dude to be online bc chances are your pretty boy is prob in his followers/following but also your pretty boy might be using a weird ass username so that might be the reason you missed him so you gotta be meticulous LMAOO (happened to me like this one time in my entire 24 yrs of existence i found someone pretty and mans had the most strange username i had ever seen made no sense he started feeling unpretty)

IF AND ONLY IF you still can't find him i think with the confessional page you should only ask there if you'll really be anonymous bc we don't want your pretty boy finding out you've been trying to find him. you could also /casually/ ask a moot about pretty boy's socials might be the better route but again if you dont want them finding your little secret make 👏 sth 👏 up 👏

#nah how am i supposed to sleep i gotta know what happens next now #best of luck tho you got thisss #i will need updates btw #💌#pretty boy anon #yumi.asks

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dpurut · 11 months

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feet vent. lmao. im serious though

ok this is actually the smallest problem i have going on rn but i swear im at a tipping point and this may be my last straw. I am about Ta Explode. Right now.

I have the flattest feet in existence plus a joint disorder so what i have are basically full rectangles for feet. Ive had my current pair of shoes for 5 years i think. Theyre split at the seams, torn apart, the soles are worn, anything you can think of those things are Busted. I need to get new shoes because I can’t walk in these anymore, it hurts like hell. But YESTERDAY!!!!!!!!!!!! we went SHOPPING. FOR SHOES. oh swell.

skechers used to be the only brand i could trust to have wide shoes. None were available. I got frustrated. Tried a few more brands. Got even more pissed off. I tried on some converse for fun but i literally started ugly crying in the store when i put them on because they look like SHOE shoes not some excuse of a shoe made of foam like all the other ones ive worn since birth. I had to take them off really fast bc they were digging into my bones. Its still bothering me.

I know there’s no such thing as a normal human body and i wouldnt change anything about who i am right now bc its whats shaped me as a person. But for once i just want some “normalcy”. To not wear the ugliest shoe. For once. This has been going on forever. My elementary school principal used to stop me at the school gates every day to yell at me about wearing the wrong color shoe. I had to explain to her every time that we couldnt find a shoe that fit me in the right color and remind her my mom had spoken to her numerous times since the start of the school year to inform her. Every time, she called my mom again and held me up so I’d be late to class. Gym class was even worse for a million reasons but that’s another topic.

I want to take a walk. I want to hang out with my friends for more than an hour each time. I want to swim, play volleyball, football, whatever the fuck ball or something i dont know. I can’t do that. I just can’t. And I want to, but I won’t ever be able to. And as long as I can’t find new shoes that fit me, i cant do the rest pf the stuff that i normally can. These americans with their long ass thin ass feet dominate the shoe market and im just a fly circling around it. Im sick of it. All my ocs are gonna have box feet and theres nothing anyone can do about it and in THEIR UNIVERSE, GOOD SHOES EXIST.

#acepostale #vent #i wish i had more friends that i share a condition with. i love my current friends of course but its different when the understanding is #built upon lived experience #im so happy to have a father whos chronically ill and understands what i mean. and a mom whos willing to listen. but you sometimes just need #to curse the fuck out of some horrible shit youre going through. and it has to be away from family

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some-ghost-we-will-call-i · 9 months

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im thinking thoughts about how like. nehts wife (my wife i guess too?) being one of the only people currently in my life that knows about the dissociative stuff and can actually support me is probably not good because shes not available rn. and im struggling. im having a very hard time being back here and dealing with being stuck in a place that so much bad shit happened in. and i cannot rely on her to help, not just because shes busy and cant worry about it but also because she just, isnt around as much (and also physically isnt here). so the trouble is, i have to reach out to other people for help. and even without giving them nearly as much information, its still way too personal and vulnerable to tell anyone im struggling at all. nehts friends dont know about it and i dont really want them to anyway because like, they wouldnt even know what to do. how am i meant to ask for help and support if i dont even know what i need

#vent////#wyatt post #i texted our old therapist though so hopefully we can figure something out with that? idk

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luckyqueenreign · 10 months

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Girliee! I found a game similar to Love Island, it's literally like the US version of it since the contestants are Americans lol it's called Hot Island if anyone wants to give it a try while waiting for next Wed to come. I'm only halfway through the first episode though so can't really tell if the story is good, but the art style kinda reminds me of Chapters or Whispers 😂

ohhhh I dont think it's available in the US or at least I couldnt find in App Store but tell us more 👀

rn closest thing to LITG im playing is Too Hot Too Handle 2! it's based on the show...so its not *exactly* like LI but similar concept of singles thrown in a villa together.

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dacergirl369 · 1 year

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HELLO HELLO I WAS TAGGED BY @horse-music HI BESTIE THANK YOU!!!!

are you named after anyone? yeahhhhh my irl first name is named after my mums favourite movie but benny is a diminutive of my surname so im named after...... myself??? slay

when was the last time you cried? uhhhhh maybe last week??? I had a very frustrating time last week and im a real crybaby lmao

do u have kids? no unless you count my three beautiful cat children :)

do u use sarcasm? YEah i guess so. this question feels like a trap I feel like no matter what answer i say people are going to assume im being sarcastic. I'm STUCK.

whats the first thing you notice about people? I guess whether they seem nice or not?? approachability???? idk

what's your eye colour? grey blue

scary movies or happy endings? WHY PIT TWO BAD BITCHES AGAINST EACH OTHER

any special skills? not particularly!! I can't really think of any rip

where were you born? yorkshire. white rose for life innit

what are your hobbies? DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS OBVIOUSLY. but also I don't know if i've ever really talked about this on here but im SUPER into bookbinding. largely of fanfics but also notebooks and my original writing etc. i mostly do casebound books since thats what i enjoy making the most BUT i LOVE experimenting with new types of binding as well as binding adjacent crafts (paper marbling, paste papers, box building, etc). bookbinding is highkey the love of my life rn i love CRAFTS. Its fun its cool its easy to get started with and its extremely rewarding to create a pretty good book even first try. cannot recommend it enough. the only downside is that ive started pouring all of my limited money into Bookbinding Supplies and Machines bcs i am. Obsessed. but you don't NEED that shit to do well at it i just like it. :)

do you have any pets? YES i have many beautiful children including three beautiful kitties and two Very Large Dogs (technically they belong to my parents but those r MY KIDS).

do you or have you played any sports? im not really a sports guy but i played rounders through to the end of secondary and one time when i was in year 5 i think i got a last minute invite to come to a golf tournament bcs someone got sick and they were a person short for the team and i was like “sure, ive never played golf before but i will say yes to literally anything that gets me out of class” and so i went and i won the tournament so i guess you could say im a champion. full disclosure i dont know that any of those kids had ever played golf before that day think everyone was just picked for being vaguely sporty and i got picked for being generally well behaved and also available. plus the category was like “[city] year 5 golf champion” so it was SUPER narrow and not very competitive. lol. i dont really remember what the actual tournament consisted of but im like 75% sure it wasnt actually playing golf. I think it was just like a selection of golf adjacent activities. weird day

how tall are you? I don't know like 5’5? 5’4? something like that

fave subject at school? media studies my beloved <3 i never had more fun engaging academically than i did in gcse media.

dream job? I dont KNOW i like performing i like writing i like creating. probably like a podcaster or stand up or author i just got SHIT TO SAY. or a bookbinder. :)

TAGGING @acasternaut @blueberrybonbons @riverblujay @billhaders @tattoobedobedoo @pawpunkao3 AND ANYONE ELSE WHO WANTS TO. IF I DIDNT TAG YOU IM SOWWY :D

#tag game #HI sorry i love tag games i just take fifteen years to do them asdfgajsdhf

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throwingmuses · 2 years

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need 2 vent about the shit show that was the doctors appt i had yesterday 🤩 cw for weight ment and other eating disorder stuff

ok so basically its been an extreme pain to get into this ed program because i need medical clearance (including blood work) before i can start bc the clinic isnt equipped to help treat medical issues. essentially i have to have a doctor order the blood test or else id have to pay out of pocket and order the tests myself (which i definitely dont have the money for rn), but the soonest appointment my doctor had available was over a month out. so i tried going to several of those walk in clinics and all of them gave me some convoluded answer essentially saying they couldnt help me. finally i found someplace that let me make an appointment with another doctor that was a bit sooner than my other one, so i went ahead and did that. i walked into it expecting it to be pretty brief, and i was confused at first why the doctor was doing a psych assessment when all i needed was a quick physical checkup??? but i was really tired and confused so i just went along with it anyways. from the second i walked in the doctor seemed very irritated and was acting rude for literally no reason. i tried to just let it roll off my shoulders because i desperately needed someone to just order these goddamn blood tests and sign a paper saying im good to go. but then, when she asked me my current height/weight, i told her that i was 5'4 and 120lb, to which she actually fucking responded by saying "Wow, you weigh more than me!" which was EXTREMELY TRIGGERING and has been fucking haunting me in the form of obsessive thoughts ever since. she also implied that my current therapist/psychiatrist wasnt very informed because shes a recent graduate when in reality shes the most knowledgable and up front psych ive ever had and this bitch who thinks shes the hot shit didnt even know that there were different types of bipolar disorder. clearly her "knowledge" of psychology as a whole is extremely outdated. anyways towards the end of the meeting, she told me straight up that the clinic probably wouldnt accept me because im at a healthy weight which is total bullshit because thats not how it works whatsoever and i was already ACCEPTED into the program regardless of my weight. ive had this issue a lot over the years with providers not believing that im anorexic because ive never lost a significant amount of weight and the worst medical issue ive had was having low potassium and almost passing out at work, and im forever fucking baffled as to why that is because i often eat less than 1000 calories per day. like im grateful for my body continuing to take care of me despite all of the hell i put it through, but just because im healthy on paper doesnt mean this shit doesnt terrorize me on a daily basis. anyways at that point i just fucking snapped (which is very out of character for me cuz im rather shy) and i told her that she had no idea what she was even talking about, that anyone with half a brain let alone a degree in psychology shouldnt talk to someone with an eating disorder like that (which she KNEW i had walking into this bc thats what the whole appointment was about), and explaining to her that the stress i have around food is ruining my life and preventing me from doing pretty much anything i want/have to do. after yelling at her she changed her disposition entirely and started acting like a dog with its tail between its legs which was pretty gratifying at least. i was like openly sobbing very loudly afterward tho and like everyone in the office could hear me which i found to be embarassing but Oh Well. then me and my bf talked to her supervisior and told them what happened and they were actually very receptive and apologetic so heres to hoping she gets fired (: also she wasnt even a fuckin doctor so the whole thing was pointless but luckily i got an earlier appointment with my doctor cuz someone cancelled But Yeah Ive Been Fucked Up Ever Since

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mariska · 2 years

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idk if anyone on here is good at/interested in computer repair type stuff but im pretty much out of options on my end with my gaming pc that don't involve sending it anywhere and having to spend an unknown amount of money to be able to use it again so if by any chance anyone who sees this can help or has any advice for me i would be so so so grateful;

about a week ago my pc started completely freezing out of nowhere at seemingly random moments (its made by the brand 'CyberPowerPC', its a 'model C' series from 2020), and i've spent every day since trying everything i can think of to troubleshoot what the problem might be to no avail and meanwhile the freezing has gotten slightly worse.

when it freezes it does it completely, so no matter how long i wait and try to let the computer like, figure it out on its own, no buttons or keys or special number/letter combinations that usually bring up troubleshooting type screens do anyhing at all. a few times the pc has seemingly reset itself at random but when it has done that it can't re-connect to my computer monitor again (they're separate & plugged in to work together) until i step in and do the force-power down holding down the power button.

until like two days ago it was at least somewhat manageable even though it was extremely annoying, but i would let the pc run for a few mins after i turned it on (a few times it did freeze on just my desktop screen having done nothing since turning it on) and usually if i had any program at all, regardless of what it specifically is (like for example i tested out non-video games to see if the pc froze while those were in use instead of my games and it did still freeze, like google chrome and firefox), it would do the complete freeze after maybe 10-15 minutes, i'd force-shut it down because thats the only way it could be reset, and then when i turned it back on it usually didnt freeze again and i could use it for whatever i was trying to do (but it was also taking anywhere from one post-freeze turn on to like 6 or 7 attempts to turn it back on sometimes. once it was back on after freezing completely it would work without issue though).

now as of the past couple days it's just becoming un-usable and keeps doing the complete freeze constantly regardless of how many times i manually turn it off and back on again. the other day i spent all my time awake going through multiple big lists of troubleshooting ideas i'd found online, from windows 10 users to CyberPowerPC users to gaming pc users in general who just know way more about the technology parts of this stuff than i ever will; all of that work resulted in me thankfully having, now, a fully up-to-date pc (to such a specific degree that i had to learn what a 'BIOS' is and how i had to update it for my specific pc model/hardware/etc by placing the specific and correct-to-model BIOS update file on a flash drive that one of my moms went out to buy for me and then pressing like F2 when my computer booted up to do this whole flash drive update installation thing on that pc build-brand troubleshooting/info screen. which was. a nightmare. for me personally. but i did do it correctly!) BUT. it was still completely freezing randomly after all of that work to make sure everything was updated, clear out extra space on my hard drives (there are 2 in the pc build, one is like 900-ish gb and the other is like. smaller than that. idk the specific amount off the top of my head rn but they both have plenty of space to operate properly), update Nvidia graphics drivers, do any and all windows updates and triple check to make sure all of those regular drivers were up to date in the windows specific hardware list page thingy, im just. im at a total loss and i just dont know what else to do from here. this pc is probably the most expensive thing i've ever owned in my life and until a few days ago it was working perfectly for almost 2 years, its not something me or my moms could financially replace and i very highly doubt its something we could even financially get repaired if there is a necessary repair just because it is a really great high-power pc and i'm terrified of what even a hypothetical repaie bill would end up being for it. i also use it for making digital art, which as of right now is not a necessity for me because i dont have any job or requirement to make digital art for, but like. i just got back in to having enough motivation to practice again with that after months and i'm so bummed out about all of this stuff.

anyways, sorry this is a huge wall of text, but if anyone has any advice at all or has experience with this issue or similar issues and can help me out i would be so appreciative....i'm permanently disabled and very high risk in regards to the multiple pandemics happening at the same time in the US and i have not been able to leave my house for things other than drs appointments, therapy, and an occasional car ride with my parents for almost 3 years now. i just don't have a life outside of my home anymore unfortunately because it's inherently life threatening for me to take a risk and visit a store or go to a theater to see a new movie or anything....the things i have in here are my only life right now and i'm so stressed and anxious worrying that the One Good Gaming Pc that i've ever had is just broken and i won't get to replace it. idk if there even is anything i can do on my own aside from a total pc re-set and i'm not willing to risk that with my paranoia and lack of any technical skill. :(

#computers #pc help #computer help #windows 10 #cyberpowerpc #gaming pc #gaming rig #gaming setup #geforce rtx #idk what tags to use or if this will even show up in any tags im just so stressed and anxious abt this

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