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kyetalksshit · 7 years

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Update for the first time in SO LONG

Hey guys!

So it’s the 4th of july and I’m tipsy. Happy shitty ass holiday to all of u who care about it. I don’t. Fireworks are boring and sound like gunshots and loud ass cis white republican christian people get louder than usual about how “great” this country “used to be,” and get to celebrate the day this country was founded on native american genocide and rape and began an era of slavery and racism and a bunch of other motherfucking goddamn bullshit.

Anyway.

I told a storytime on my youtube channel about my ex who I called Gregg (bc he looks like Gregg Sulkin, or at least I thought he did back then. It’s actually a two parter so far. I have yet to get to the part where he dumped me over text and then tried to be friends with benefits with me, I refused, I tried, he refused, we fought a lot, repeat cycle. Wow that was a fucking shitstorm. Finally unfriended him a couple of months ago because of a shitty ass facebook post and I just didn’t have the energy anymore. Plus, he has a girlfriend now, and at this point any desire to communicate with him was based on a pure physical attraction and/or wanting to have some sort of intellectual conversation with him because, as much as I honestly still kind of resent him, I do admire his brain. Anyway.)

So when I told the storytime, I spent a good hour going through my tumblr for posts about him (and his, for posts about me, which I remember desperately hoping for back when I was still with him or right after we broke up) and it kind of made me miss blogging.

This has been the longest intro in the fucking world. Oh my god. Ugh.

Anyway.

I just kind of wanted to get on here and talk a little bit.

I don’t remember what my original pushing thought was, since again, I’m tipsy, and I got so sidetracked talking about “gregg” (though let’s be real, if any of you watch that storytime and have followed me for long enough, you know exactly who I’m talking about. He doesn’t even follow me on tumblr anymore. He unfollowed me a long time ago, actually. And now that I’m talking so much about him I’m kind of tempted to text him, which would obviously be a fucking bad idea, but you know. I’m a masochist. We’ll see what I do later I guess. I don’t know.)

I’m kind of miffed today. And by that, I mean I’m actually hurt but too prideful to say I’m hurt. My family is very clearly celebrating for this shit holiday, which they don’t know that I don’t care about, by the way, and no one even invited me. Yeah I was working most of the day but I got off at 8, and anyway I hadn’t told them I was working. My mother probably just “assumed I had to work and couldn’t make it” again. Even though she promised to make more of an effort to invite me to things. My heart hurts.

Yeah I don’t care about fireworks, but I love my family and I miss my niece and my sister isn’t talking to me because apparently I’ve changed and she misses “Amber,” not “Kye.” (Oh yeah, I go by Kye now. Just, btw.)

What she doesn’t seem to realize no matter how many times I tell her, is that Amber, that girl she grew up with that she apparently misses so goddamn much, she doesn’t exist anymore. She was a fucked up piece of shit too, if I’m being honest. I call my past self Amber instead of “past Kye” because I don’t know her anymore. You know why?

Because I’ve been through so much motherfucking goddamn bullshit since then. I was raped. I left my family for a goddamn year over some slightly shitty but WAY overexaggerated bullshit (that, let’s be real, I’ll never fully forgive myself for) that was twisted into a horror story by the evil ex whose name I can’t even fucking SAY because it makes me feel fucking nauseous. I almost killed myself a couple of times. I cut over and over and motherfucking over again because I was so goddamn depressed, I got kicked out of TWO apartments (once because my roommate was just a bitch and wanted any made up excuse she could find, the other because my alcoholic roommate who sexually assaulted me MY FIRST NIGHT THERE and who is STILL my dm for one of my dnd games and tries to pretend he fucking cares about me, hallucinated our neighbors trying to kill us and made me take him to the hospital and file a police report when it was just his goddamn mind). I’ve been so broke for the past couple years I was a camgirl for awhile. I did live camshows for money. I also sold photos and videos of me naked, sometimes taking requests. It made me fucking miserable and gave me flashbacks but I was jobless and had to pay rent. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been considering starting again because I’m broke as fuck and I want to cry from how stressed I am most of the time, but I haven’t yet. You know why?

Again, I was raped. And sexually assaulted, not just by that roommate, but also by two family members (like when I was a kid) who will remain unnamed (who never even said I’m sorry, by the way, even when I brought it up. I still hang out with one. How fucking sick do I have to be to still hang out with a family member who sexually assaulted me and apologized to my sister for touching her, but not me?). But also because I’ve been in this deep disgusting ass pit of self fucking loathing recently. I feel fat and ugly and nasty more often than not, every time I get a crush or a lust-crush on someone I start to feel guilty about it because how dare I burden someone with the weight of having to deal with my affection? I feel lonely and also selfish for feeling lonely, I miss my family but I also avoid them. And then I get upset when they don’t invite me to things.

This is the last holiday I’m ever going to spend living in North Carolina. Connor and I are leaving for Los Angeles on August fucking 5th. I’ll be around for my brother’s and my cat’s birthday (incidentally they’re both on August 2nd), but then I’m gone. I won’t be able to make it to Christmas this year because let’s face it, I won’t have the money. The soonest they’re going to see me after I leave is MAYBE Christmas 2018, and I’m not even sure that’s going to happen. Hell, I’m not even christian anymore, celebrating it feels weird.

Also, going back to this whole name shit and “I’ve changed” bullshit, Amber was an asshole. She made racist comments and used to say the “n” word back in high school. She literally laughed in boys’ faces when they asked her out if she wasn’t attracted to them, not even just because they were “out of her league” because she (rightfully) didn’t believe in “leagues,” but just because if she was going to say no, she was going to be a bitch about it. I remember one of my best friends’ little brothers asking me out in 9th grade, and he was in like 7th. He was OBVIOUSLY too young for me but I should have been fucking nice about it. Instead, I laughed at him, literally fucking laughed at him, and just said “omg bye.”

She also didn’t know how to stand up for herself. She was mousy and depressed and anxious and small and hated herself and so who gave a fuck if people used her because what good was she herself anyway? Like yeah, Kye is fatter and her mental health has gone down the fucking drain (no really, my counselor thinks I’m borderline and I really need to be medicated honestly because it’s so hard to function I’m scared I’m going to fail at trying to be alive) but at least she can mostly say no, and she can cut people out her life when she wants to. At least Kye can pinpoint when people are trying to manipulate her (though if we’re being honest here, and holy fuck we really are, since the fucking evil ex aka my rapist, my mind is warped as fucking hell and I don’t know what’s real anymore. The amount of manipulation I have imagined and overreacted to is insane. My uncle wallace won’t talk to me because I overreacted when he had a shitty opinion and posted it on a status of mine, and I took it as him attacking me. I want to cry every time I think about it but I already sent him one long message explaining why, and then the next day I sent a really long apology message. I don’t know why I keep fucking things up with everyone I care about. It feels like Connor and my cat are the only ones I have anymore, and even Connor can drive me crazy sometimes because obviously, that’s how people are who live together and have known each other for 8 fucking years, and I’m so hard to live with and deal with because of the bpd and the fact that my anxiety shows itself in irritability and the amount of times I’ve snapped at them for fucking nothing is absolutely ridiculous. I’m mad that they still haven’t learned how to drive and we’re moving in a month and it’s looking like I’m going to have to drive by myself from one coast to another while they blissfully chill in the passenger seat and doze off or play on their phone or whatever, but in reality they’re probably really anxious about it too and they probably feel bad but can’t make theirself do it and it’s just I feel so shitty all the time oh my god).

I don’t even know what the point of this post is, I just think I needed to vent somewhere that I don’t have to be careful what I say because no one reads this shit anyway. The second I vent where ANYONE in my family can see it, they’ll all jump down my throat for being “disrespectful to my parents” or some other bullshit. They fucking love bandwagons. One of their favorite phrases is “my army is bigger” and honestly that shit scares me because yeah, it is. And that goddamn army is too fucking prideful (like me) to accept when they maybe should hear someone out, and they will literally cyberbully you if they can. It may sound whiny, but I really do feel like I was cyberbullied that day with uncle wallace. I’m not even kidding (and again, no one reads this so I don’t feel bad saying this because it’s tru) I legitimately wanted to kill myself that day. Everyone was jumping down my throat AGAIN over something I said that hurt my mom when I didn’t even know it hurt her. If I had, I would have taken it down and apologized. They were also attacking me for an immature snapchat saying “fuck you and your shitty ass opinions” which was about my uncle, and yeah I deserved a little of that bullshit but I admitted that was wrong very shortly after. He wouldn’t even hear me out, but I was the bad guy, the disrespectful, ignorant black sheep who treated everyone like shit. I keep trying to pretend I’m over the whole thing but I’m so not. I won’t forget who said shit to me and who didn’t. Because that shit fucking hurt.

I don’t want to tell Connor how mad I am over something they may not be able to control, I don’t want to fucking rub my sister’s face in how ‘not’ Amber I am (also, just, sidenote, the main reason I changed my is really because I hated Amber and wanted some control over my life and it really has made me happier, but also honestly it was partly because my fucking rapist has never called me “Kye” and so when I’m having fucking rape flashbacks I can separate myself from it so when she insists that Kye is horrible and she hates me now (she didn’t say that but she said I wouldn’t be in her life if I weren’t family and let’s face it, I’m not in her life rn anyway and I may as well not be family with how I’ve been treated recently, not that it’s not partly my fault, but still) and that she misses Amber, who she grew up with, who is the one she misses, not me, not who I am now. Honestly, when we were fighting it felt like she only said that because she needed a concrete reason to be mad at me so she grasped onto the fact that I’ve changed, which my whole family complains about, but

Look at all the motherfucking goddamn fucked up shit I’ve been through in the past few years. OF FUCKING COURSE I’VE CHANGED. It hurts like hell that my ENTIRE family is mad that I’m not the same girl who left them for an abusive fiance. Like yes, I’m kind of a bitch now when I need to be, and yes I overreact to things BECAUSE I’VE BEEN THROUGH TRAUMA U DON’T JUST FUCKING GET OVER THAT, and yes I changed my name and I’m not the motherfucking goddamn same but how dare you want me to be?

I WANTED TO DIE. EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE. I HAVE NEVER HATED MYSELF AS MUCH AS I DID THEN. I HAD TWO EATING DISORDERS, AN ADDICTION TO CUTTING (for which I’m now getting urges so I’m going to end this soon), I HATED EVERYONE I KNEW, I WAS FUCKING SO DEPRESSED I COULDN’T EVEN, UGH, I WAS ONLY SLEEPING ONCE EVERY TWO NIGHTS SO I WAS HALLUCINATING, I PUSHED AWAY EVERYONE WHO EVER GAVE A SHIT ABOUT ME, I SNAPPED AT EVERYONE WHO WAS NEAR ME WHEN I WAS ANXIOUS AND I DIDN’T KNOW MY TRIGGERS. NOW I CAN AT LEAST SEPARATE MYSELF FROM THE SITUATION SO I DON’T HURT PEOPLE AS MUCH. I DON’T TALK ABOUT THE VIEWS I HAVE THAT CONFLICT WITH EVERYONE ELSE’S SO I DON’T HAVE TO ARGUE WITH ANYONE. I HAVE MADE MYSELF SMALL, THEN MADE MYSELF BIG, AND REVERT TO SMALL WHEN I’M AROUND THEM, BUT IT’S STILL NOT FUCKING ENOUGH FOR THEM.

WHEN, please fucking tell me WHEN, when will I be enough for them?

#angst #family #drama #blogging #update #happy fourth #fourth of july #independence day #trauma #survivor #venting

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imkhylatipay · 5 years

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Journal Entries ❤️

14th of November 2018, Wednesday

First class of second semester and first meeting for this subject. Me and my friends were a feeling mixed emotions because we are all worrying if our professor would be a terror one. Luckily, we had a very kind and considerate one. The meeting was all about introduction and giving out the house rules inside the classroom.

***

21st of November 2018, Wednesday

We had our first discussion this day. It was all about the famous philosophers and their own concepts about self. The only philosopher that caught my eye was John Locke. Because for me, his perspective of self was convincing. He believed that the experiences and perceptions of a person is important in the establishment of who that person can become. I find his concept more realistic because I also think that what I have become today was base from the experiences I had from the past.

***

28th of November 2018, Wednesday

Today, the meeting was all about the sociological perspective of self. In this lesson, I have learned that there are three role playing stages of self development. These are the preparation stage, play stage, and game stage. For me, this is the simpliest way to determine and understand the stages of self development. As I have already passed these stages, I think that what I had become now was all because what I had done when I was in my stages of self development.

***

5th of December 2018, Wednesday

For this day, the topic was all about the psychological perspective of the self. I have learned that there are different kinds of self. There is the perceived self which is about how the person sees self, the real self which is about how the person really is and the Ideal self is how the person would like to be. There is also the unified self and multiple self. Lastly the true self which is the real self and fake self which is our defense facade.

***

12th of December 2018, Wednesday

Today we had our long quiz for this subject. I am quite regretting that I didn't review for this quiz because I got a low grade but I still passed. I promise that I will do my best in the next quiz hehehe.

***

19th of December 2018, Wednesday

Today is my birthday ❤️ And there is no class today because its exam week. I am quite sad today because first, I am celebrating my birthday without my parents and siblings because my mom is in japan, while my little siblings is with her and my older brother is busy at his work. I just had a simple celebration with my cousins at home.

***

26th of December 2018, Wednesday

It is Christmas. It used to be my favorite time of the year when I was young because we used to celebrate with each and everyone in the family. It used to be so fun because even with just the presence of my siblings and cousins, it was enough. Since I rarely see them, I always look forward in December because it was the only time I get to be with them. Everything had changed when my mom started to work more harder. Reunions became less until I dont get to see them anymore. It has been six years since we had a complete family reunion. So just like the past few years, we just had a simple Christmas celebration and spent the rest of the day reminiscing the old days and thinking if it would happen again someday.

***

2nd of January 2019, Wednesday

New year had passed, and we had a weird celebration because we should have been celebrating loudly with music booming in the whole house but instead, we watched horror movies while we were having our mega noche. It is still sad like Christmas because we didnt get to celebrate with the whole family but nonetheless, Im still thankful because we still had simple celebration on our new year.

***

9th of January 2019, Wednesday

Its back to school and I actually thought that since its just the start of the year, we wont have any discussions for today but surprisingly, our prof had no intentions in letting this day pass without having a discussion 😂 So for today, we have discussed the physical self and self esteem. Physical self is about the tangible aspect of self and self esteem is about the overall self evaluation or sense of self worth. Sadly for me, I have a low self esteem because I am not confident with what I have. I wish to have high self esteem so that I can be more confident and satisfied with myself.

***

16th of January 2019

Todays topic was all about sexual self. The prof had just discussed the reproductive systems of men and women, body organs and contraceptions. In relation to this topic, I believe that having more knowledge about this will lessen the growing numbers of teenage pregnancy. I believe that the people who get pregnant early have no knowledge about how sexual self works thats why it is so important to understanding sexual self.

***

23rd of January 2019, Wednesday

For today, our prof had asked us to list the material things we own and the things we want to own. I have listed money, necklace, bracelet, notebook and makeup as the material things I own and for the things I want to own are House and lot, car, airplane, company, unlimited grocery supplies. Our topic for today was about the material and economical self thats why our prof had asked us to list those things. The material things we have can also define ourselves. It is connected in building ourselves

***

30th of January 2019, Wednesday

Our topic for today was about the spiritual self. In our spiritual self, I believe that religion and superstitions are the one that contribute the most. Here in the Philippines, it is in our culture to have religions and superstitions thats why we have grown up with it.

***

6th of February 2019

Today, we had a long quiz and thankfully I have reviewed beforehand so I was able to pass the quiz. I was thankful because I got to make up for the low scores I had in our last quiz.

***

13th of February 2019

Supposedly, we are going to have our exam this week but because of the exit exams of grade 12, our exams are moved. So for today, I kind of just stayed glued in my bed for the whole day. Savoring the days of no classes 😂

***

20th of February 2019, Wednesday

There is also no classes for today since its the exams of the first batch. So just like what I have been doing last week, I just kinda stayed in bed and played in my cellphone.

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