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abtmemyselfandi · 4 years

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Moving out and moving on

TW: talking about past- traumas, anxiety and abusive relationships and some mention to depression and suicidal thoughts, and eating disorders. I’m serious, if you are not in a good place, then drop it and go for a walk with your friends or whatever you want to do, and above all, if you’re not in a good relationship and the other person is hurting you then seek out for help, please, because you do not deserve any of this. Plus, english is not my first language so I’m sorry if I’m butchering it.

So, yeah, I know I started this whole thing, reblogged a bunch of posts and then disappeared. But I completely changed my life and this kinda relates to the title of this rant that I’m very sorry for writing, even though I don’t think somebody is reading this, but in any case to my few precious followers, I’m sorry. But this is why I wanted to open this blog, because I still need to recovery, there still a lot of work that I have to do in order to improve and these last days have showed me this. So I think I’m going to start from the very beginning. This year I finished high school (I’m so sad about this, gosh, I’m going to talk about this when I’ll have the heart because I’m suffering a bit too much about this, it’s like an open wound), and it was time to move out, cause I live in a city where there isn’t a big educational offer. I moved to another city all across the country and I’m really trying to be happy, I’m with a part of my family, my boyfriend and my best friend cause they also moved in order to keep working or studying. So I’m still warming up to a new environment and new friends, cause luckily I find some nice people. But I’m also a very anxious person and right now I’m feeling a lot of anxiety pressing on my chest but I want to talk about it maybe tomorrow, cause I don’t want to throw everything in the mix. But in this situation there is also a big huge deal that I don’t have the heart to face or, more precisely, that I didn’t want to face but I was forced to these last days.

The point is that well my first boyfriend ever also lives in this city. We’re exes and he wrote me on my birthday and I kinda knew this would happen cause he added me on his closer friends on Instagram right after I moved in this new city. The point is that we’re not friends, we are not close and we have a lot of baggage. Our story was a tragedy, and I don’t want to appear like a dramatic person but it was. We loved each other deeply, I know this, but we also completely destroyed each other. Today I was talking with a friend of mine and I said to her “How can he keep loving me, when I can’t even remember the good memories ?”. Cause that’s the point, he still loves me. And this hurts me. I don’t wanna be loved by him because his love makes me feel dirty. I spent a lot of time just selling my self to people that didn’t deserve me because he messed up my conception of love. He thaught me that cheating in a relationship was okay, cause he cheated on me and I cheated on him and I remember I was on a trip and we were apart for a long time and one night he called me and said “I cheated on you” and I answered “Guess now we’re even”. It was so sad, and the saddest part was that I developed committing issues and I kept cheating to my other boyfriends and yeah I’m also going to talk about this but maybe another day, right now I can’t afford the trip down the road of guilt. And we hurt each other cause I can clearly remember kissing other boys, make out with them and just watching him straight in the eyes to see him hurt. And he kept going after every girl in his way and I was developing an eating disorder in that period so you can see that this was clearly the recipe for a disaster. But yeah, we hit rock bottom when he beated me. Even if it happened only one time, the red flags were all there and I didn’t want to see them, cause he was also a jealous mess and the signs were there. That moment shattered my life, destroyed everything, took away what last piece of innocence that I had. It was the moment that shaped me into the worst version of myself and from that moment and for a very long time I went to a dark place from where I couldn’t go out. The situation was clearly more complex of how I’m describing it but it is just to, you know, explain. And now he is back in my life, and he is still in love with me, because that’s what he said to his best friend that also “informed” me. A lot of years have passed and the point is that the person that he loves is dead cause I improved a lot. I can’t even say how much things changed: I’m not suffering from depression anymore cause I did 4 years of therapy, I do not have an eating disorder anymore even if in both case relapse is always a possibility (like right now, cause I’m feeling like drowning and I’m probably on the verge of a panic attac) but above all I am in a healty relationship. It’s my first one and believe me I’m going to talk a lot about this wonderful young man, my saving grace, and I learnt that love is comfy hugs and stay-ins night, is soft love making, is brushing teeth togheter and sleep togheter and I don’t cry, I’m not hurt, I don’t cheat and I’m not cheated on. So now the only thing that I’d like for him, for this person that I forgave but it drained me so much to do so that I had to lose myself, this person that felt so guilty that started hurting himself (I’m not justifying him, mind you, it was so wrong and you need to escape as soon as you can if you are in this situation) that loving me shouldn’t even be a possibility because he phisically can’t. It’s like we are two complete different people, because now I fought so hard for myself, to build my happiness everyday, that I’ve not even thought about answering him, not only for a second, because I want to feel at peace, I want to sleep well at night and right now I’m not doing it, cause I dreamt that he called me last night, and I remembered his number at heart. So yeah I still feel something but it’s more like an immense amount of sorrow and grief over two young people that were so carefree and that shattered everything. But then I’m just thinking about the healthy relationship that I built and even if I’m so sorry about all of this, I’m just letting it go, cause I deserve to be happy and I hope that he will find his peace too. Let’s hope this is the last chapter of this story, so that I can keep writing an happier one.

#write #writeaway #writeblr #my life #me my thoughts and i #art #to read #recovery #happiness #welcome

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its-chelisey-stuff · 4 years

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Farewell, EY

But... how do I say goodbye, to you?

*long sigh* Like the dramatic mess of emotions that I am, I waited until the end of the year (and after the MBC drama awards), practically a month and a half after the story of Danharu ended, to say my real (believe me, for real) final words on this amazing drama. Or more like what it meant to me.

You know, I’ve been a part of tumblr for years, yet, I was never that active on it. I think I’ve had this account since my my high school years but I only used it to follow some kpop accounts, and I was never one to post, or at least not much. My college years passed by and I think I barely looked at this account at all. After I graduated, I think I started to follow some accounts related to books and stuff like that. I never really had the impulse to write my thoughts on something, let alone do essays about a drama of 16 hours and I’ve been watching dramas for almost 9 years.

I have liked dramas. I have disliked some. I have hated, to the point of forcefully denying they ever existed, a couple of dramas. And I have loved dramas that meant a lot to me and spoke to me to a personal level because, somehow, I could relate to a piece of the story or to a character.

And it’s not like I relate much to the world of Extraordinary You nor have I felt or had a love like Danharu’s. But that didn’t made me love it any less. I love it so much, in fact, that I decided that reading recaps and ocassional comments on the episodes in forums or social media was not enough. I had to share what I thought about the story even if barely anyone read it. I just had to put it out there and that’s how I ended up here. Because of a drama found by chance.

And actually, this drama did spoke to me. Danoh reminded me that I’m the main character of my life and that even in the face of adversity and difficulty, is important to be positive and put on a strong front. Never go down withtout a fight. Danoh and Haru, with their infinite and pure love for each other, choosing, and finding the other, time and time again, showed us what true love looks like. Selflessnes, comunication, trust, respect, accepting the good and the bad and understanding the needs of the other above, while remembering that you’re not alone. You’re a team.

And despite what you might think, they were a team that not even the writer could win against. Their love was stronger than any setup and despicable acts the writer wrote for them, especially towards Haru. It won and survived everything, even 2 literal endings.

I don’t even care about the couple award, because every social platform I go to, and every fan of the drama on any news site, thinks of Danharu as the OTP of the show. Cause that’s what they were. And for me, the best of the year. No question about it. So I hope Rowoon and Hyeyoon (my poor girl only mentioned one award as the one she wanted, and that’s the one she did not get) don’t care about it either, because at the end of the day, they know how good of a job they did and how much effort they put into it. To me, their prize is the love of the fans and well, they’re getting just that, left and right.

(And I’m still amazed that two 23 year old actors, on their first ever leading roles, were the ones who managed to tell this powerful and tragical love story. They brought Danoh and Haru to life and I really cannot imagine other people in their places.)

And then, we have our Dohwa, who thaught us what real friendship, loyalty and kindness is. Even when you don’t get the things you hoped for. He managed to be happy because his friends were. And I have literally never seen a character like him in any other drama. Smart, emotionally intelligent and so, so, good. He was never a jerk or took advantage of a situation, even when he had the chance and that spoke volumes of him. What a good person and friend he was... and how sad I was to not see him in the new story, which served as a terrible reminder of the kind of world the characters we love, lived in.

Even the not so nice characters, thaught us something. I mean, I hated Baek Kyung (not the actor, he is a sweet pie!) but he serves as an example of something very important. Letting go. Because, no matter how much you want something (or someone), how much you think you deserve it, sometimes it’s not for you. It’s not your time. And if you don’t learn to let go, you’re only hurting yourself... and others. Terribly. Let go before you turn into a person that you will not longer recognize.

In a more fantastical tone, I honestly hope that crazy writer stops writing forever or at least, stops drawing Danoh and Haru after they had a meaningful and wonderful life full of love in a new story. If the writer wants to stop using either of them, it’s only fair they stop using both. As simple as that. They’re a package deal.

I don’t think I said anything like this in any of my rants or essays hahaha but I have this theory that self awareness can be a process. Not always and maybe not with everyone, of course (on this post I say falling in love gives you self awareness lol and I stand by that theory, but there are other ways). Even Squid Fairy said that given that they had to say the same lines, the scenarios were similar and the story was basically repeating, it would be weirder if they did not gained self awareness.

After Haru came back at the end of episode 8 (or 16), and started spending time with Danoh in shadow again, Danoh’s friends only thought it was weird for like an episode. Later in the drama, they didn’t even question the fact that they spended so much time together. And I swear Danharu held hands and did lovey dovey things in very public places in school and their classmates wouldn’t react anymore while on shadow.

Hmmm Now that I think about it, maybe Danharu was also doing a butterfly effect of their own with them being together... maybe, in a way, they were kind of planting the seeds of awareness on people around them. I know the story is over, but I believe that, in the next manhwa, Saemi and Soochul (which many believe are the new leads) could be on their path to self awareness. If they aren’t already.

And again, we go back to Squid fairy’s words. If they keep being recycled, it’s only to be expected that they wake up. AAHHRGG! Great. Now I can only think about the possibilities in a new story while I’m here trying to say goodbye to this drama.

Anyway...

This drama was really special to me. I don’t think it will be the last to get me this excited and immersed into a story and a main couple as shippable as Danharu was/is hehehe or at least I hope it’s not. But this was certainly a first on many aspects, that introduced me to a handful of new actors who are pretty brilliant and made me fall for Rowoon and Kim Hyeyoon (you bet your drama watching butts I will see whatever projects they do next). And I will always comeback to EY whenever I miss Danoh’s and Haru’s story of their world defiying love.

Is that not the point of having such a story immortalized like this?

See you around, Extraordinary You!

#extraordinary you #july found by chance #a day found by chance #kdrama #mbc drama awards #mbc drama awards 2019 #rowoon #sf9 #kim hye yoon #lee jae wook #lee naeun #jung gun joo #kim youngdae #lee tae ri #haru #danoh #danharu

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sassy-cat-demon · 4 years

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Ok it’s high school bully time so my high school was your basic stereo type school of if you don’t do a sport you are looked down upon. Wich is the worst seeing as it prided it’s self on only sports and did not realy care about students. So my first year there it was ok for the most part but I then met a guy who would be my boyfriend for a year and a half and then later on in my second year be my boyfriend again. He would constantly pressure point me and make me drop to my knees in pain. Make me read horrible yoi or how ever you spell it fics of wolfs rain he would always beg me for realy expensive things he couldent have and I would get him those things thinking he loved me. But he dident. I then met a girl who would become my frist bully. She had gone on to say “ oh he’s my boyfriend now” and would constantly tease me about it untill my second year I had had enough and told her that she was as dumb as a stump” and she had no idea how to respond to that and went to lunch. My second boyfriend was much better untill he kept geting clingy and kept calling me and screaming at me to call him or it’s not actual dating. So I ended that.

Second year I had been sort of ok untill a new group of bullies came along let’s just call them the heathers these three were the worst they were in almost every class I was on constantly picking on me or my friends saying things like “ oh can I copy off of you oh your hair is a mess let me brush it for you” They said that in trying to get me to turn to their side to wich I said “ why would I do that when you and your group keep bullying me and my friends. They got offended and walked off in a huff.

Third year: this year was the fucking worse mainly because even the teachers bullied me. So as a kid I had at the time a.d.d. Wich means I wouldent pay attention and was a bit slow. I have had this all theough out middle school as well. So my math teacher told me one day I couldent to my times tables Wich I couldent so he gave me an entire packet of adding and subtracting seeing as I couldent do them. Like I was to dumb to even do them when he never explained them to me or even took time to help me get them right. The next teacher who wanted to watch me fail was my science teacher and this class was my fav subject. So in that class was like only girls Wich was realy weird so one day I wanted to make friends with them so I went up and tried to talk to them. I was only met with harsh glares and a phrase of “ were we talking to you” Wich got me sad seeing as in high school many of my classes non of my friends were in them. So I went back to my desk to do my work. So when I got the work sheet the teacher told us to not go ahead of her when reading the questions. But how my mind works was I know it but if I don’t write it down like right now I will forget it. So I write it down all of the answers Wich were correct. So what does the teacher do she goes over to me and crumbles up my sheet and says “ I told you to not go ahead” like what kind of a teacher does this it’s not right oh and the kids laughed at me for it. The next thing was when we had an elements quiz and I forgot one that my teacher just so happened to ask me. So I panicked and said, “ uhhhhh duh” and my teacher said “ no duh is not an element” so I told her “ but that would be the coolest element ever”. Then there was the frog disection one where we did that and one of the girls got a bug in her frog so she started screaming and panicking so I said “ it’s just a bug why are you scared” so she starts to yell at me “ that’s not funny” so the teacher told me to leave her alone.

Next was the harsh substitute teacher she was also the worst seeing as one day I had to get my meds at 11 and she thaught I was going to play hooky so she wouldent let me go untill I kid you not the kid with the fish hook in his hat said “ just let her get her damn meds” the teacher was so shocked at this she let me go I thanked the kid he said no problem.

I Also once faced off my bully in a fight when she told me meet me at the flag pole after school so I walked down and waited and waited I missed my buss and no one came so the next day I asked my bully “ I thaught you were going to meet me at the flag pole” so she said “ oh well I had homework” and this girl was the biggest heather she could Probly crush me If she wanted to.

Little side story I told her to fuck off when she called my friend at the Time a fat ass I told her to fuck off and flipped her off. In middle school the shop teacher said I was to dumb to draw angles and shit so he gave me a conect the dots packet.

So in short my high school sucks and from what I have been told it still does.

#bullying story #my high school life

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rainbowcitrin · 6 years

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The causes WHY women accept rejection better than men

Men are frequently more sad about being friend-zoned. How comes?

Here are invalid, theoretical reasons for that, which are not based on any statistical relevant data and which are definitely not complete

also straight couple bullshit I guess not applicable to others who are smarter by pairing themselves up with someone of their own gender which brings advantages by being equally treated...

1) Women do like to have friendships with men

(you know men friendships differ from women friendships due to how women grew up and this is changing (very good thing). I always admired men friendships during school while girls complained about the things they weren’t able to do and were having their clique guerilla, boys helped each other to succeed challenges (math I wanted to join them so badly, sports)... and to bully girls based on their looks, they were also looking down on them or were jealous of the good ones and were trying to bring them down (frequently very successfully)... as groupeffort... as individuals they were actually quite nice but due to the hacking order and everything else they were assholes in groups you understand no need to ellaborate...)

2) Women desire in equal relationships or relationships not based on their insecurities in regard of look etc and due to the fact that females tend to be more competitive among each other to get the love of the most desired boy

seem to be attracted to boys love stories due to that

They are learning to love characters so much that they just want their happiness

even if they are not the ones making these happy so they are basically training compassion... well this and they have chocolate ice cream and girlfriends... professionally trained by life experience to get them through this dark hole

with sentences like

“He didn’t deserve you anyway”

“You will find someone better”

“or give me his address I will show him what he deserves to mess up with my friends!”

and they are patient... at least for the first couple of times... after that, they are kicking your ass and are playing an important role as a counselor before you are deciding to date a new guy who is definitely out of your league

3) Men having problems getting friend-zoned do not have many friends who are good emotional supporters if it comes to sth like that

(don’t worry you can buy chocolate in any store, who needs friends with empathy am I right.... *emo*)

4) Women are seen as trophies and as symbols for every good emotional nonsense and values which are hard to translate into jobs with a good income

look men controlling media, they do not know how to write women correctly

they are thinking people would understand their symbolism and that their readers would see their insecurity and incompetence in writing women after realizing the lack of them in their stories. And the ones invented are just invented because they are homophobic and wanted to create love interests, therefore, they end up as couples “miraculously*

WELL WE WOMEN DO because we know the difference between real women and Hollywood movie women

BUT MEN?

If they do not have sisters the only women they know is their mom and these Hollywood women

motherlove is unique

so do not expect that your girlfriend has to act like your mother as a sign that she loves you

also, I am sad in disappointing you but it is also not her job in completing you and to give you all human aspects of life they thaught you not to need as a man

emotional comfort, emotions, empathy, to believe in you etc. is something men should also learn for themselves and others to become more human and independent of women

and no to control and learn that is not easier than total oversized self-esteem, or what else you were learning as a result of being treated in a patriarchy

Also, your self-value is independent of having a woman or not

not only the heroes/best men are getting paired up in reality!

In contrast

women love great guys but end up with family-friendly guys in the long run

“BUT IN THE MOVIES!!!”

AS I TOLD YOU YOUR DUMB PRODUCERS ARE GIVING A SHIT IN WRITING ENOUGH DIVERSE WOMEN CHARACTERS

If he would write groups of characters containing 60% women and 40% men there would be a higher outcome of pairings...

However, I have to admit that we women would still ship our gay ships

sorry not sorry

and good things need their time

don’t be impatient

and there aren’t any chosen ones

No girl is born to be your girlfriend

You can befriend them and if you both want to have something more develop it together

#ships

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whatlifeis · 4 years

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Two Opposite

just like the winter that will never meet summer, we keep missing the timing. different timing.

As I got older, I learned two things. One, is to never take anything for granted. Two, to be aware of what you’re feeling and live in that moment.

I messed up with both of it. At the same time. I guess I just have poor luck. If only there’s such thing as next time, I wonder. But I don’t regret anything. In my 21 years of living, live has thaught me a lot. Started from the love that my mom and dad radiate around me when I was little, until the feeling of utter anxious facing my last year as a university student.

When I was little, I used to have some kind of “superpower” where I can sense something or ‘someone’ that most people can see. I can’t see it either but I can feel it’s presence. I had memories that I never knew it exist in my life until I understand that it was actually visions of something that has happened to someone or at that place. Such a weird but unique expirience, to be able to feel that. But it comes with side effect. The ability cause unstability of my emotions. For short: my emotion is a rollercoaster, almost ALL THE TIME. One time, my mom was carrying me around (I think i was 4 or 5 years old) but the next time i began to run around my house and ended up crying out loud because i feel frightened all of the sudden. My mom was panicking. Because how frequent my “episode” comes, my mom and dad finally decided to make the ability to disappear from my body and soul. And after that, I feel a lot better, the episode didn’t come as frequent as it used to. Or at least that’s how I feel because I was very small when all of it happened (I threw away my ability when I was in around 1st or 2nd grade of elementary school).

Enough of the bridging, the background of my episodes. Recently, since a few years ago the episodes came back. At first I thought it was just mood swings pms, because it came every month. But then I started to see a pattern, and it’s not always before my monthly bleeding. These episodes of mine comes in two different emotion:

One time, I was feeling very happy, energetic, full of positive emotion

Other time, the feeling worsen, worthless, depressed, I was crying for no reason, imagining sucidal things, death of love ones, and me killing someone.

It’s like two opposite emotion that comes and goes. Two polar. Bipolar.

I haven’t check to phsychiatrics, I’m not self diagnosing, It just feels like the best word to describe my episodes. I struggle a lot, controlling myself, trying to differentiate which feeling is the right one, while having a relationship. I usually gave up on them, I broke up with them. But not the last one. The last one hits the hardest because I actually started to feel the love I have for them. I finally knew the right feeling but they said they just wanna find their own happiness and other things that they wanted to have. I guess they just don’t find it in me or it was too late for me to say I love you.

I think it was the latter.

Aches. All over my body, especially my mind and heart. I cried, not a lot, but painfully. I even dream of them, three days in a row. It felt so real, that I almost think what actually happened was the dream.

Please, read the first two sentence in this text carefully. Understand and do it. You don’t want to realize it like the way I realize it. It hurts too much.

Please, live in the moment.

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