#I'm just trying to articulate how I feel about it

[hephaestuscrew]

A book asks the reader to imagine any sensory input of the story, whereas a film or TV show provides both sound and visuals. Audio fiction lives in the space between these two approaches. I think there's a unique power to that middle ground. I love how audio drama asks the listener to co-construct their sensory experience of the story.

Audio drama allows me to simultaneously experience 'This character feels real to me because I've heard their voice' and 'This character feels real to me because I've pictured them myself'.

What the characters are experiencing is both directly presented to me and left to my imagination. There's no page or screen between me and the story. It's there in my ears. It's there in my mind's eye.

There's a strange sense of intimacy to that, the intimacy of feeling like a fly on the wall during a conversation or of hearing a character speaking as if directly to me. Perhaps it sounds contradictory to say that experiencing a story only through sound allows me to feel uniquely connected to that story, but that's one of the reasons why I love audio fiction so much.

#I am conscious that this is very much the perspective of a sighted and hearing person #and I hope that doesn't come across weirdly #I'm just trying to articulate how I feel about it #This is no shade to books/films/TV btw #They are also excellent mediums with their own strengths #Honestly the main reason why podcasts are my primary form of media consumption #is probs that I'm bad at setting aside time to read/watch things #rather than necessarily because of the specific power of audio fiction #but the particular magic of audio fiction is a nice bonus #I don't really buy into the idea that reading is 'active' while watching video is inherently 'passive' #but under that way of thinking audio fiction is kind of between passive and active in an interesting way #podcasts #audio drama #audio fiction #the empty man posteth #I'd be interested to know if this resonates with anyone else or if it's just me #Also another element to this which makes it weirder is that I have a pretty weak visual imagination #so when I say 'mind's eye' that tends to mean vague concepts for me rather than actual images #but it still helps me feel connected to the story in a unique way. Idk

[unopenablebox]

i admit that i find it a little bit frustrating how Wildly Astonished other antizionist jews act when i tell them my israeli jewish family have lived in the region since [some unknown length of time before 1800 when there start being records about it]

#and then they're like ''ohhh they're mizrahi!'' [connotation nonwhite‚ virtuously indigenous] #and i have to be like. no. it's just that‚ as palestine was in fact ottoman-administered greater syria for most of the last 600 years‚ #you could get there from other parts of the ottoman empire. such as the part of now-ukraine your ashkenazi family is also from. #it wasn't actually a hermetically sealed arab-only ethnostate that evaporated immigrants on sight. it was a pretty decent place to live as #a jew by at least some accounts. or better than the front of the hapsburg-ottoman war anyway which is where they were coming from. #i'm not sure who you think it's serving exactly to believe that there were literally no ashkenazim in the middle east before the 1st aliyah #however there were some. and this information does not actually threaten a modern anti-state of israel position like at all. #but since apparently you've constructed your new Diaspora-Centric Identity around the idea that 'palestine' and 'diaspora' #are the two mutually exclusive nonoverlapping regions and the former is ontologically a no-european-jews-allowed zone #i guess i can give you a minute to try to figure it out. #ugh sorry this is nothing it isn't anything. for one thing it's fantastically unimportant #and for another thing i don't know how to like talk about it in a way that doesn't make me sound at least kind of like im trying to justify #myself as being somehow less complicit or something. i mean i think my complicity as an american dwarfs the rest of it honestly but. #i just feel really insanely alienated where the rhetoric of my theoretically most closely politically aligned group is not really built to #like. accommodate the facts of my family history. #sorry. i have honestly no idea why im so obsessed with articulating this concept ive just been chewing on it pointlessly for days #box opener

[scintillatingshortgirl19]

as much as i despise john house tbh i wish we'd gotten more episodes with him . . . partly for more of that sweet sweet Daddy Issues content but also. because there are so few scenes with this man i have to do so much fucking guesswork when writing him

#i'm trying to make his characterization feel accurate but like. what even IS accurate for him #we see him in only a couple of scenes with a little bit of dialogue in one specific context #it helps that house talks about him now and then #so there's a lot i can infer about his personality based on the info we have #but it's hard to know for sure what he's like/his speech patterns/etc #at this point i feel like he tended to be very cold and methodical when punishing house #and actually rarely lost his temper #he was always sort of . . . chillingly calm #which maybe actually added to the effects of the verbal abuse #because he would tell house how worthless he was in just. the most reasonable and articulate tones #and that made it even harder for house to keep from taking what his dad said to heart #like i'm sure house got yelled at sometimes but #i think john was more of a 'dangerous quiet voice' type of dad #anyway hi i currently have 3 wips dealing with house's childhood trauma :') #house md #john house #em writes #op

[wundrousarts]

What is your favourite thing about nevermoor (series)?

Omg this is suuuuuch a hard question for me to answer!!! I love basically every aspect of the series, from the characters and their dynamics, to the settings, to the story...... idk if I can truly give One Singular Answer to this because I love it all! There's something truly special with the series that really makes it resonate with me and has kept me glued to it for almost 5 years and will keep me into it for many more.

IF I had to choose One Thing to answer this....... I would probably say the lore of the series and the magic and the way that the worldbuilding relates to those and fleshes out the world, giving it a history that makes Nevermoor (the city and the series) feel full of so much depth. You really get a sense that things, both big and small, happened in the past that affect the present day, and that things in the present day will have an effect on the future. It makes it fascinating to think about how the world was Pre-Massacre, and how things have changed in the last 100 years since then, and why things were the way they were and are the way they are now! I love thinking about Wundersmiths and their role in society and their rise and eventual downfall!!! Ahhhh!!!!! There's just so much I could say.

I just love everything about the worldbuilding and the lore and in-world history Jess has created. You can tell as you read that literally every aspect of the world has so much thought behind it that probably only exists inside Jess's head, but it oozes through the pages anyways and makes the world seem so full of life. I swear once she mentioned possibly releasing some sort of “rule book” / notebook companion book sort thing that explains a lot of behind the scenes lore and how the world and everything works, why stuff is the way it is, etc. after the series and I hope that happens because I can't stop thinking about it.

A silly comparison: I don't really know how to explain it to those unfamiliar with the 2000s guide books, but the worldbuilding of Nevermoor kinda reminds me of the worldbuilding of Uglydolls (no relation to the terrible 2019 movie) and I think maybe that’s partially why I love it so much lmao. Everything was so wacky and weird yet somehow it made sense. I remember reading the books and looking at the spreads of the city or the pictures of the weird vehicles and thinking about where I'd like to go and what I'd do if I lived in that universe LOL. It just felt full of life and for some reason reading Nevermoor reminds me of reading those as a kid.

Also: I've said this before (but maybe not on here?) that I credit a big part of why I'm SO into Nevermoor to the fact that I discovered it like a month or so before Adventure Time ended. I was a HUGE fan of the show (always will be!) and was really into analyzing it and theorizing about it and knew so much about it. I read Nevermoor independent of that, but I think the fact that Wundersmith releasing like a month or two after Adventure Time ended and it being the first new interest I had had in awhile just made my brain "transfer over" as I like to say. The energy I bring to overanalyzing and theorizing about Nevermoor stuff comes directly from how I was when Adventure Time was still airing.

Fun fact: My media overanalyzing led to me correctly guessing how Adventure Time would end, and I am eager to try and do the same with Nevermoor as the series continues.

#nevermoor #asks #idk if any of this makes sense bc the moment I try to talk abt my love for nevermoor I black out and can't articulate correctly #so sorry to anyone thats ever dealt w me gushing abt it both irl and online. it makes me go insane. my brain has been rewired. etc. #does anyone else love using readmores all the time or is it just me #my nevermoor thoughts always turn into nonsense rambles and I feel bad abt big blocks of that so I like giving folks an option to read lol #I just loooove nevermoor so much and theres something so special about it that makes me wish more people paid attention to it #it deserves to reach the same heights as stuff like HP (boo) + PJO (woohoo) and etc. bc I think it appeals to both young + old the same way #I love talking abt nevermoor so much even if half of what I say is nonsense bc of how much I love it. so thanks for asking me abt it. #always open to talking abt nevermoor all hours of the day. its on my mind 24/7 and i'm not rly complaining too much abt that lol

[gierosajie]

Raine and Nameless Bard could both be pretty intense at times and it's kinda terrifying but also wow

#*points at them* IT'S ALWAYS THE BARDS MAN #idk how to articulate it well at the moment because I'm just really too tired to think #BUT #I feel like they'd throw away anything if it means achieving their goal #even themselves #like please don't there are people that really care about you pLEASE- #still screaming shaking crying at Eda's Requiem and the finale #(and any episode involving them maybe Idk) #and then Nameless Bard is over there going from 'I really wanna see the birds and the sky' to TRYING TO KILL GOD??? and then succeeding??

[cadavercowboy]

.

#thinking how positively orgasmic it would be for me to delete all sm and any trace of myself from the lives of every person i've ever known #there's no point to this other than i'm venting and will delete shortly #the world is fucking awful and my life is fucking awful #feeling unimportant and hated by quite literally all people in my life #feeling generally purposeless and entirely a waste #yearning for things i can't even fucking identify at this point but most importantly...A FUCKING REASON!!!! for anything!!!! #i've never been this miserable and its alarming but there is literally no point in doing anytrhign about it anymore #i just want to fucking disappear and never ever be known #like? i've reached a level of pain words can't even articulate and i wish someone would listen but frankly i'm so tired of talking about it #idk everything is just so bad and i don't have the energy to try to be seen and heard so instead i make angsty post and then i go away!!!!!

[cinna-bunnie]

bleh

#having a bad morning tbhhhh #i envy the ppl who grew up here :| it's so much easier to make friends when u went to school w ppl and grew up with them #i have been here since 2016 and was just trying to get stability the first 3 years financially/housing-wise. #and when i was Finally ready to start making friends the pandemic happened. #the closest thing I've had to friends were made thru my ex and when we broke up they ghosted me. #to this day i have not made a single genuine friend and i can't articulate how hurtful that is to think about. #and i get excited when i might have a new friend but do the audhd balancing act where i tone myself down so i don't scare them away #but then idk. maybe i just come off as uninteresting or indifferent. idk what the perception of me is bc no one ever tells me anything lol. #i just get ghosted a lot 😭 it's Literally so much easier to find ppl to fuck than it is to find friends. idk why this is so hard but it's #frustrating. everyone has lukewarm interest in me at best and i have so much to offer when I've opened up to someone. #and i can't rly talk w ppl about how I'm feeling. and i can't do anything but keep trying over and over or else i WILL fr have no friends. #it's just. like. I'm not a normal person w normal circumstances and interacting w people who already have a ton of friends and stuff #going on is hard. there's like this burning desire for companionship in u as the person NEEDING it that no one else has #bc they already have it yk? ur just kind of a footnote on everyone's day/week. u don't have that kind of relationship where #u can Just Go Over or just have ppl over. ppl can hang like once a month maybe. i hate it here but also don't want to leave :| #everything is great except trying to make friends. idk i just wanted to vent lol I'm done ranting and might just delete #but this feeling wells up inside me and some days is so hard to ignore 😭 #'i have been here since 2016 and don't have a single genuine Friend' what the fuck 😭😭 #ik that wfh doesn't Help but i wouldn't be able to get anything done in person in my position lol. plus it's less about where ppl are #and more about how relationships (dont) develop past a certain point. #i have someone I've been talking with probs longest out of everyone so far and we're gonna hang this weekend #but I'm also perpetually afraid I'm gonna scare them away or something and be back at square 1 😭 #and idk im afraid that might translate into seeming shy or something and I'd hate for them to lose interest anyways ._. #but idk how much of that is valid vs my brain just being mean to me and paranoid over my other experiences. #anyways... yea thnx for reading if u did. i feel crazy 😮‍💨

[bigfootswashingmachine]

It feels so surreal and unbelievable to be living my life each day safe, fed, in my home, while half a world away Palestine continues to be bombed. I can't think about anything else. I'm crying every day, grieving and caring for people I won't ever meet, whose suffering I am helpless to stop in any direct way. I don't even have words for this, for 10,000 people to lose their lives, kids, families, first responders and reporters, hospitals and schools and refugee camps bombed while the world looks on. entire families lost to rubble. it is horrific. I am sorry. I feel insane. How is this the world we live in? How can this be allowed to happen? while all we can do is watch?

#I know it is far beyond me to act as an authority or like it's about my feelings at all and i'm not trying to do that. #i just need to get these thoughts articulated somehow #i feel like i'm going insane seeing how world leaders are responding. where is your humanity?? do you not understand what's happening?? #how are you not falling to your knees weeping and tearing your hair out? how can you see people suffering like this and be detached from it #i am so sorry. i don't know. this shouldn't be happening. #the resilience and hope and care palestinians are showing is incredible beyond belief. i wish they did not have to be strong like this. #i would pray but if god exists he should be begging the people of palestine to forgive him for allowing this to happen #i feel so helpless. so guilty. so full of grief. i wish i could hold all those kids and comfort them and rock them to sleep.

[queenlucythevaliant]

One of the most challenging experiences for me about having specifically a Narnia blog is (how to express this) the fact that I just don't want to share certain things about Narnia. They're just too intimate and I get really uncomfortable when I'm confronted with the fact that they're as important to other people as they are to me.

Case in point: something inside of me snarls a little whenever I see someone with "courage, dear heart" as a blog title or discussing the personal significance of those words. Like no. That's mine. You can't have it. Happens all the time around here.

This isn't limited to Narnia btw. Persuasion has always been my favorite Austen for some very deep, intimate reasons and since the new trashfire movie came out and everyone's been firing off Persuasion thoughts, a part of me has been very grumpy about it.

#I'm possessive help #incidentally i think that's why I kind of fell off of posting my reactions to the queen's thief series #a bunch of my mutuals started reading the series and posting their thoughts and I was like 'nope. my reading journey. not gonna share' #no shade on any of you who did that btw by and large i loved reading your thoughts #but I'm also a very posessive reader #I don't know how else to express it #also: it's definitely a different feeling than one on one conversations about these books where you're connecting over them #and treating the beauty with respect and gentleness #the thing that rankles is just. the peripheral awareness of others. not connected just there #anyone relate? i feel a little crazy writing it out like this #obviously not a /good/ thing about me but something that i wanted to try articulating #and again no shade on anyone else obviously this is very much a me -problen #pontifications and creations

[svartalfhild]

My kingdom for a Baldur's Gate 3 companion who doesn't have a massive ego.

#BG3 #I'm sorry but I'm always going to be mad about this #why does Larian have such a hard time making companions that aren't like this #even the 'nice' companions in this game are a condescending wizard #and a guy with the vibe of a minor influencer who's trying way too hard #I'd be fine if just a couple of the companions were like this but all of them? #it's too much and it's hard to feel like I'm building a sense of comradery #when they all seem to be existing in their own little worlds #idk how to better articulate this but basically I want at least one or two companions who are more like Zevlor or Nettie in personality

[outeremissary]

3, 14, 19 for Balthazar/Tristian for the OTP ask game :)

3. Do they wear each other’s clothes? (sweatshirt, bandana, necklace, etc.)

Not much, really. In a practical sense, it would be difficult. Balthazar’s a bit smaller and a lot more slight than Tristian, so Tristian borrowing clothes wouldn’t exactly be comfortable. And Balthazar has some terribly awkward wings by the time the two of them are together- his clothes have to be tailored to him to accommodate the wings, and it’s difficult to wear clothes that haven’t been altered. Although it doesn’t stop him from occasionally stealing Tristian’s cloak or robe just in the spirit of mischief (and slowing down the process of getting dressed).

Not clothing per se, but Balthazar enjoys using his own brooches to fasten Tristian’s cloak whenever he helps Tristian get dressed- something to serve as a subtle touch of connection even when they’re apart. Tristian always waits until they’re apart to check what he’s been given. It’s a pleasant ritual to discover it, and it’s a point of comfort to reach for over the course of the day. He always returns Balthazar’s things very carefully at the end of the day.

14. How do their personalities complement each other? How do they clash?

The ways they clash are probably more obvious. Tristian is earnest to a fault and a person with very strong moral principles that he lives by (theoretically), while Balthazar is an ambitious person who often gets what he wants through deceit and trickery. There's a lot of natural tension between them- for a long time after meeting they really didn't like each other at all. Balthazar was quick to write Tristian off as dull and uptight, while Tristian rankled at the callous disregard Balthazar had for others. Tristian is also someone who clings a lot to an ideal of celestial virtue that Balthazar has spent most of his life trying to get away from. Even though the initial hostility faded there's still always some degree of friction. It can seem that Balthazar is too careless or too cold, or that Tristian demands too much without compromise. Always some arguments in there.

As for complementing... really, some of the clashes can be ways they cover each other's weaknesses at times. Neither cold pragmatism nor strong optimism can solve every problem- there's a sort of balance there, in a way. Or at the least a way to keep Balthazar's Machiavellian tendencies in check. And also I guess I'd like to think that their positive traits can influence one another as well- Tristian being a bit more flexible and better able to see nuance in a situation, and Balthazar becoming more open and trusting. Maybe this doesn't really count as a "complementary" thing but also like... the ability to be very earnest with one another. Balthazar is someone who doesn't let his guard down easily, but over time he begins to trust Tristian to understand his experiences without condescending to him about them. While Tristian isn't as obviously closed off as Balthazar is, he still doesn't put himself out there easily and feels a lot of shame confronting things about himself. Balthazar doesn't judge Tristian for any of his choices. He has a lot of empathy for the situation that makes beginning to sort through it easier. (And Balthazar does sincerely love Tristian's flaws, even if Tristian doesn't)

19. How do they feel about PDA?

Not at all self-conscious, that’s for sure. There aren’t a lot of big, dramatic gestures, but certainly there are plenty of small, intimate ones: entwining fingers, leaning into one another, gently brushing hair away from the face, a soft kiss pressed to the hand… It’s about the reassurance of knowing the other is present. It’s also the case that Balthazar is a bit clingy (something that surprises him) and Tristian is somewhat touch starved so…

It's embarrassing to watch, really.

#hiiiiiiiiiiii answering this a uhhhhhhh month and a half late (Jesus Christ.) #whoops!! #not sure what happened with that. anyway. #I know romance isn't my strong suit so honestly I think I was just nervous. and also the executive dysfunction but #a lot of it was probably having a lot of thoughts and not really knowing how best to articulate. #it's probably a bit silly but I always feel like I'm trying to make a case for this when I'm talking about it #possibly because I was once asked “how does that work” and told my explanation made no sense ^^;; #living and learning though. #anyway I've rewritten parts of this many times and then finished it all in after midnight hours so! hope it's coherent. #it is so so long overdue. #ask game #ask me emithing #balthazar and tristian #turbulentpumpkin43 #just recently realized many people put the URL of the asker in the tags...? #trying to develop better habits. may dig up and link the prompt list post later but it's 3 in the morning right now

[niuxita21]

TFW the Girl You Love Tells You “Thanks But No Thanks. You’re Still My Best Friend, Tho!” - A novel by Ana

#madre solo hay dos #ana servín #shitty screencap posts (TM) #me: I will only be able to make a couple of posts about this episode bc it hurt so much and I can't keep rewatching this scene #also me: *spams the tl with ten million posts* #but LISTEN #I am ASTOUNDED at how well this bit captured that sort of weary disappointment lesbians are all too familiar with #when the girl they're in love with is like 'you're my best friend!' (unspoken second part of that sentence: 'and nothing more') #I'm gonna try to articulate why but like #from what we know of canon I don't think ana has ever in her life had feelings for another woman who friendzoned her #and yet here she is getting her heart broken by another woman for the first time and it's just SO RELATABLE #to those of us who HAVE been there before you know? #because I don't think she would have the same microexpression if mariana had been a dude #there's something there that screams 'yeah haven't heard THAT one before' and it's just... *chef's kiss* #(me? analyzing ana's microexpressions as a coping mechanism? it's more likely than you'd think!) #also this is just a friendly psa (although I don't think anyone is reading my tag vomit which definitely is for the best) #but my blog is a mariana hate-free blog and I'll start caping for her if I have to :) #I'm just here to have fun (and get my heart shredded by a silly mexican comedy apparently life is wild sometimes)

[welcometogrouchland]

I'm on hiatus from thinking for the next while. Discursive and analytical fandom practices I love you so so much you are in everything I do, including the silliest of headcanons and comics but FUCK I am not equipped to think about. Anything right now

#ramblings of a lunatic #tbh my art muscles are exhausted too so i think I'm just gonna. be a bottom feeder for a little while. #like a deep sea creature letting plankton drift into it's mouth on the ocean floor yknow #hard to do when half your dash is about stuff u are not a part of and the other half is abt the fandom that's in hiatus #and approaching it's finale (and the end of a show should NOT be the end of a fandom it should NOT but. i know how these things play out) #and i can't just rewatch the episodes bc I've literally seen them too many times now #and watching them is like. oh hey episode! blink. it's over #bc everything is MEMORIZED AT THIS POINT #the obvious answer would be to go watch something else rn but i keep TRYING AND IT'S NOT WORKING. I ONLY WANT THE SPRINTEREST RN #but i also don't if that makes sense. i want the spinterest to be new but also comforting and different but also the same #aka i want a new episode to release bc i dislike the quiet fandom during hiatus BUT i don't want it to air bc then the show is over #so I'm just kinda. sitting here. frustrated #sitting on all my art and text posts bc I'm in a funk rn and none of them feel Right™ #bc (CIRCLING BACK AROUND TO THE ACTUAL BODY OF THIS POST) they're all my usual hc/analytical fair #but i like to always have a good sense of character when i make those but those require REWATCHES FOR ME and i CAN'T REWATCH #BC OF ALL THE ABOVE THINGS I MENTIONED #oh man. i feel a bit better writing it down though. getting it out there somewhere in a semi-articulate way #I'm not done with my current hyperfixation- far from it depending on how the show ends- I'm just pre-bummed about the finale #and how it's gonna impact the fan environment that normally supplements my own fan activities like rewatches fanart etc #ohhhh my god that felt good to explain #it's to no one in particular but it felt good. this talking about your feelings shit actually works man #anyway please pray for me that i go to sleep some time tonight bc i slept for 5 hours in the middle of the day #after staying up the previous night #and i do not wanna throw my sleep schedule too far outta wack #(i think..i need to watch more movies? less commitment than series but distract me for a good bit. send reqs ig!)

[el-im]

I love consuming Quantum Leap only through your posts because it seems like an aesthetically pleasing romantic tragedy. You're the creative director of my mind's version of Quantum Leap now and no one else can compare, honestly v_v

ohh... in my mind's eye it totally is one. i take everything way too seriously and too personally and maybe i just have too much time on my hands but... oh, it really is just... wonderful. sam's forsaken by fate/god/time but his friends never leave him. they carry on hoping in the face of impossible odds. they give him all they can: their time, their devotion, their protection, even at the expense of their own safety. what i really love about ql is that sam beckett--with his memory wiped clean--is really a blank canvas. we know nothing about him beyond that he's selfless, and that he loves selflessly. but that's enough, because he's loved in return, by people who are alongside him undivided, and ceaselessly.

#i haven't really made up my mind abt how i want to respond to this because i have so many feelings they just well up and #all i end up being able to say is 'it's the strangest narrative about loneliness and isolation i've ever seen' #or talking on and on about how rich it is in selflessness and self sacrifice and love and love and love again over and over #but i am also aware of the fact that its. literally a sci fi show from the 90s starring scott stewart bakula that's dubbed 1/2 the time bc #neither he nor dean stockwell ever delivered a line as it was written once in their damn lives #but... the story behind it is just remarkable. it's really beyond words. which is fun for me because i'm continually trying to articulate #why i'm so compelled by it/the implications behind all the circumstances/arrangements/etc that they allude to in the show #asks #i feel like that 'its not that deep' meme with a parent holding their screaming child 2 (two) inches in the ocean #in which i am both the parent and the screaming child #also i cannot WAIT to be finished w this stupid fucking. thing. i am working on. if you think what you've seen so far is me being dramatic #abt QL then this is gonna knock ur socks off #it's the hardest i've ever worked on something not school related and it is so... so stupid. but. so am i <3 #anyway. i cannot thank you enough and cannot communicate how touched i was to read this #it is... one of the most remarkable compliments and i am holding your hand and very earnestly saying thank you for it #also? i love you. thank you.

[teaboot]

This is gonna sound rather conceited but I feel like it highlights an issue we have in Art.

I'm good at art. I've never had a hard time making art. I started using crayons before I could walk. Painting, Beadwork, sculpture, sketching, stippling, whatever- once I have a feel for the material, it doesn't take long to start doing what I want with it. It's been a common theme my whole life.

(Y contrast I'm awful at things like dancing, performance, sports, etc- in all things there is balance, right?)

Now, I've taught myself to use so many artistic mediums now that I KNOW how to most efficiently integrate them into the brain database. Once you really *understand* a material, it's much like memorizing the layout of your house, or flexing a muscle, or something in-between- it becomes PART of your brain in a way I cant quite articulate. But to get there involves just fucking around for a bit doing nothing in particular.

And I've found, especially in group settings, that nobody seems to be able to see you make something badly and leave you alone. Even if you say you're fine, you don't want help, you're happy, you're having fun, it's fine, they gotta ride your ass and hover.

I was at a class the other day for something I hadn't done before. The medium was one I've never used, so once the instructor told us the basics I started experimenting with weight, gravity, texture, viscosity, saturation, temperature, etc. The instructor had given enough info to know what was dangerous and what was safe, and beyond that I just wanted to absorb what I could about it.

And no insult to the instructor, but they kept checking in. Which was fine the first few times.

But then, without asking me what I was trying to do, started giving tips. That I told them I was grateful for but didn't really need just yet. If I had a question, I'd ask.

But they kept coming over. And touching my shit. And manipulating my project. And touching my hands. And using my tools. Without fucking asking.

And this happens every time. EVERY TIME. And by now I know the best way to get them to fuck off is to make something way beyond their expectations so they know I'm capable, then go back to doing what I want.

So I did. I wanted to keep having fun and learning, but instead I made something beautiful that I really didn't want to make, and wasted my time, and really didn't learn what I wanted to learn at all. I knew the formula to create a beautiful thing, so I followed that formula the same way I have a hundred times before, and didn't get to try anything spontaneous or ugly or exciting, just so I could be left alone.

And I know when I was a kid, I was aware aware people saw me puttering alone on something ugly assumed I had a special issue and treated me like I was stupid because of that. (I was neurodivergent.) And at at time I knew that I could do a neat trick for them like a trained pony and they'd go, "Oh, surely they aren't defective if they can do something like that!" And piss off.

But what if I hadn't known how to do that?

What if I hadn't been talented, or "special"?

What if I'd been just any other average kid trying to learn, and I couldn't pop something pretty out of my ass to get them off my back?

My problem my whole life has been that I haven't been allowed to make anything ugly in peace. I'm capable of beauty, so I have to make beauty, or get stepped on. And once people see what I can do, they get loud about it. "Look at this! Look what they did! We all know who the best is, don't we?". And that used to feel good, but it's tiring.

And how many people like me just wanted to play? Just wanted to have fun and experiment? Who were having fun with no goal in mind, or just took longer to learn, who gave up because of all the obnoxious helpers breathing down their neck with no way to shake them off?

How many of us are made to feel defective because we aren't doing things beautifully?

I have a lovely piece of art I didn't want to make.

I think I'm gonna frame it.*

(*I think I'm gonna burn it in my yard.)

[amarrymeinbostonwriter]

I would not suggest using the app Her. There are a lot of fake accounts on there. I was trying to use the app recently and three times the women I tried to talk to ended up being fake accounts. So I deleted the app. :/

Any other app suggestions of apps I should try? Good apps for bisexual women to use to find other gay friends or date?

#I feel like I didn't articulate this well last time I tried to post this #I'm trying to warn people and not complain too much since no one wants to hear that tbh #I've been catfished before...on a different app but it was frankly terrifying that time :( #I verified myself on Her so I could talk to real women but everyone was allergic to verification :/ #I'm pretty sure I'm bisexual which is why I was on Her at all #I tried both lex and Taimi before but they didn't work for me #it sucks that Her didn't work because age-wise there were actually options for a 29/30 year old #like I'm only 30 (tomorrow)... I was so happy to see other women my own age on there!!! :-: #by which I mean it wasn't all 20 year olds... (sorry but I'm ten years older so that doesn't work for me) #add in a gif of when Tiff was shocked and disturbed that Lexy was only 24...that's young to me too omg! #I think I had the Her app for about a month? I was using it in June but it didn't really do anything for me #most of the other real people were complaining about how other women wouldn't talk to them (I joined some of the groups on there) #same girl same unfortunately #I just think I don't know how to use these apps or my luck is bad or something?!? (bad timing maybe idk seriously) #dating apps #friend finding apps #bisexual women #wlw #mychatter